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Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
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BARNEY:
This year for Founder's Day,
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00:00:09,602 --> 00:00:10,606
we're going all out.
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00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:12,807
I've rented an authentic
Western stallion
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00:00:12,842 --> 00:00:14,542
to give horsey rides in the parking lot.
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00:00:14,964 --> 00:00:16,114
You can thank my connection
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00:00:16,132 --> 00:00:17,499
at a Canadian meat company for that one.
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This will probably be
his last weekend, so don't
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be stingy with the carrots.
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00:00:21,471 --> 00:00:22,620
Where were you?
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00:00:22,638 --> 00:00:25,056
I got a ticket taking Hope to day care.
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I haven't been drinking, Officer.
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And if you open up that door,
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00:00:28,094 --> 00:00:30,312
you'll see why I was driving so slow.
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Oh, no, please don't write me a ticket.
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Look, I have a van,
my fianc?e has a moped.
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00:00:38,521 --> 00:00:40,188
And when I spend the night
at my fianc?e's house,
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00:00:40,239 --> 00:00:41,472
I can't borrow my mom's car, and...
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Look, I swear it's safe.
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00:00:43,159 --> 00:00:45,694
I get in accidents all the time.
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Don't worry.
I figured out a way
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00:00:47,613 --> 00:00:49,498
to drive Hope that's even safer.
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00:00:49,532 --> 00:00:52,200
Does this involve the
text message you sent
24
00:00:52,251 --> 00:00:55,987
asking me to fill a shopping
cart with marshmallows?
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00:00:56,005 --> 00:00:57,822
We got to buy a new car.
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00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:00,425
These vintage cash registers are going
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to be a treat for the customers,
28
00:01:02,295 --> 00:01:03,762
but a terrible burden for all of you.
29
00:01:03,796 --> 00:01:06,164
They only go up to
nine dollars and 99 cents,
30
00:01:06,182 --> 00:01:07,549
and they may be plated in lead,
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00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:10,051
so whatever you do, don't lick
your fingers after using them.
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I'm talking to you, Frank.
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Buy a car, huh?
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It's just, it's a big decision.
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But maybe you're right.
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00:01:19,362 --> 00:01:21,813
Maybe I need to man up and do it.
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00:01:21,847 --> 00:01:23,949
I'll talk to my parents
about it after work.
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00:01:23,983 --> 00:01:25,784
Jimmy, you are a
25-year-old man.
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00:01:25,818 --> 00:01:27,485
I think you're a little bit past
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00:01:27,519 --> 00:01:29,354
having to ask your parents'
permission to buy a car.
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00:01:29,372 --> 00:01:31,373
So you input the price,
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you crank the handle,
and the drawer opens.
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(bell dings)
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Hmm. Must be stuck.
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(grunts)
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In sticking
with our Founder's Day theme,
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I refuse to accept any modern medicine.
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00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:48,840
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go read the scripture
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until the devil comes out of me.
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Look, I'll talk to my parents
about the car thing,
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00:01:56,015 --> 00:01:59,217
and if they say it's okay, I'll do it.
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00:01:59,235 --> 00:02:00,819
No biggie.
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(sighs)
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Hey, I know what you're thinking.
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00:02:05,491 --> 00:02:07,409
"Am I really getting married to a guy
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00:02:07,443 --> 00:02:09,361
"who has to ask Mommy
and Daddy's permission
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to buy a car?"
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00:02:10,830 --> 00:02:12,247
That's not very sexy, is it?
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00:02:12,281 --> 00:02:16,067
FYI, I haven't talked to
my parents in seven years,
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00:02:16,085 --> 00:02:19,621
I'm a free-thinker,
and I can do 25 sit-ups...
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00:02:19,672 --> 00:02:21,172
throughout the course of a day.
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I'm just putting it out there.
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00:02:24,075 --> 00:02:32,803
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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00:02:33,087 --> 00:02:34,919
A new car?
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New? Buying a
new car is nuts.
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00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:39,140
It borders on reckless.
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00:02:39,191 --> 00:02:43,612
But we need a new car,
and Sabrina said--
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00:02:43,646 --> 00:02:45,196
Sabrina says. Sabrina says.
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00:02:45,231 --> 00:02:47,065
Think for yourself, Jimmy.
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00:02:47,099 --> 00:02:49,267
And for God's sake, do as we say.
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00:02:49,285 --> 00:02:51,486
A new car is a complete waste of money.
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00:02:51,537 --> 00:02:52,937
They lose three-fourths
of their value
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the minute you drive 'em off the lot.
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That can't be true.
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00:02:55,875 --> 00:02:57,292
Doesn't matter, anyway.
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00:02:57,326 --> 00:02:59,277
There's no way you guys have
enough money for a new car.
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00:02:59,295 --> 00:03:01,663
We don't need all the money.
We're gonna take out a loan.
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00:03:01,714 --> 00:03:03,715
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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00:03:03,749 --> 00:03:05,783
Whoa. We don't take
out loans, Jimmy.
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00:03:05,801 --> 00:03:07,752
Credit is for chumps.
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00:03:07,786 --> 00:03:10,955
Credit is why this whole
country is in a deep repression.
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00:03:10,990 --> 00:03:11,890
BURT:
People went out,
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00:03:11,924 --> 00:03:13,058
and they borrowed more money
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00:03:13,092 --> 00:03:14,459
than they could afford.
85
00:03:14,477 --> 00:03:16,594
Now their houses are either
under water or upside down.
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00:03:16,628 --> 00:03:19,130
While that sounds fun for
a weekend, it's no way to live.
87
00:03:19,148 --> 00:03:21,966
Jimmy, what's the worst cartoon character?
Wimpy.
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00:03:21,984 --> 00:03:23,218
Right. Because
he always wanted
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00:03:23,252 --> 00:03:24,969
to pay Tuesday for a hamburger today.
90
00:03:24,987 --> 00:03:26,971
With a gut like that,
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00:03:26,989 --> 00:03:28,606
he should have been
eating the spinach anyway.
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00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:31,026
I bet he got gout, and that's
why they canceled the cartoon.
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00:03:31,077 --> 00:03:33,111
That's why your dad
and I always pay cash,
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00:03:33,145 --> 00:03:35,280
and we never buy anything new.
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00:03:35,314 --> 00:03:37,165
That way we always get
a much better deal.
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00:03:37,199 --> 00:03:38,533
I mean, look at this fridge.
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00:03:38,584 --> 00:03:39,984
We bought it used.
98
00:03:40,002 --> 00:03:41,319
Freezer works too good.
99
00:03:42,922 --> 00:03:46,157
There are tons of cars
in The Natesville Courier.
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00:03:46,175 --> 00:03:47,676
We'll go looking with you tomorrow.
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00:03:47,710 --> 00:03:49,711
And if Sabrina gives you a hard time,
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00:03:49,762 --> 00:03:52,797
just remind her that she had
a boyfriend when you met her.
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00:03:52,831 --> 00:03:54,349
You got her used.
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00:03:54,383 --> 00:03:56,167
BURT:
Hold on.
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00:03:56,185 --> 00:03:58,720
Think I got something.
106
00:04:00,606 --> 00:04:02,691
Oh, it's your harmonica.
107
00:04:02,725 --> 00:04:04,192
I thought it would be refreshing
108
00:04:04,226 --> 00:04:06,728
to play a cold harmonica on a hot day.
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00:04:06,779 --> 00:04:08,730
(plays lively tune)
110
00:04:08,781 --> 00:04:10,815
(laughs)
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00:04:12,618 --> 00:04:14,185
(muffled grunting, plays notes)
112
00:04:14,203 --> 00:04:15,236
It's stuck on my lips!
113
00:04:15,287 --> 00:04:16,371
(plays notes)
114
00:04:16,405 --> 00:04:17,238
Don't pull!
115
00:04:17,289 --> 00:04:18,456
Don't pull.
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00:04:18,491 --> 00:04:20,024
(Burt groans, notes play)
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00:04:20,042 --> 00:04:21,793
(muffled murmuring)
No, no, no. That's gonna hurt!
118
00:04:21,827 --> 00:04:24,045
JIMMY: So we started checking
The Natesville Courier.
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00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:26,331
After the ten pages of escort services,
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00:04:26,365 --> 00:04:29,250
there were listings for a dozenold cars in our price range,
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00:04:29,301 --> 00:04:31,386
which was exactly $830 or under.
122
00:04:31,420 --> 00:04:33,922
What is with your guys'
irrational fear of credit?
123
00:04:33,973 --> 00:04:35,256
Everybody uses it.
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00:04:35,307 --> 00:04:38,009
But if everybody jumped off a cliff, would you?
I would.
125
00:04:38,043 --> 00:04:40,645
I wouldn't want to be the last
person left in the world.
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00:04:40,679 --> 00:04:42,880
I mean, it would be cool
to spend one night
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00:04:42,898 --> 00:04:43,982
in the White House and everything.
128
00:04:44,016 --> 00:04:46,050
But after that, right off a cliff.
129
00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:47,602
Now that we got
that major problem solved...
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00:04:47,653 --> 00:04:49,554
All I was trying to say is,
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00:04:49,572 --> 00:04:52,056
you're not going to find a lot
of decent cars for $830.
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00:04:52,074 --> 00:04:53,992
We're not looking
for a lot-- just one.
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00:04:54,026 --> 00:04:56,561
One diamond in the rough.
134
00:04:57,279 --> 00:04:59,247
(yells)
135
00:04:59,281 --> 00:05:01,065
Not a diamond.
136
00:05:02,118 --> 00:05:04,452
I can't believe this is so cheap.
137
00:05:04,503 --> 00:05:05,403
We'll take it.
138
00:05:05,421 --> 00:05:07,422
(car alarm chirps)
139
00:05:08,791 --> 00:05:10,959
(laughs)
140
00:05:11,010 --> 00:05:12,076
Not a diamond.
141
00:05:12,111 --> 00:05:13,244
Oh, come on!
142
00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:14,779
It's just like the nursery rhyme.
143
00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:16,247
I know another fairy tale.
144
00:05:16,265 --> 00:05:18,967
We don't get it,
and we live happily ever after.
145
00:05:19,018 --> 00:05:20,751
Not a diamond.
146
00:05:20,770 --> 00:05:23,605
It's just as roomy as an SUV.
147
00:05:23,639 --> 00:05:26,357
The poor guy would have lived
if he'd only worn his seat belt.
148
00:05:26,392 --> 00:05:29,978
That reminds me--
this doesn't have seat belts.
149
00:05:30,029 --> 00:05:31,813
Gomez, Morticia, Lurch,
150
00:05:31,864 --> 00:05:33,097
I'm out of here.
151
00:05:33,115 --> 00:05:34,265
If you're giving out nicknames,
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00:05:34,283 --> 00:05:35,933
I'd like a say in it.
153
00:05:37,319 --> 00:05:38,703
I'm not selling it.
154
00:05:38,737 --> 00:05:40,605
I just thought this would be a good way
155
00:05:40,623 --> 00:05:41,823
to meet fellow Pacer fans.
156
00:05:41,874 --> 00:05:43,374
Now that you're here,
157
00:05:43,409 --> 00:05:44,959
you want to go get some pizza
158
00:05:44,994 --> 00:05:46,828
and talk about how awesome my Pacer is?
159
00:05:46,879 --> 00:05:47,996
BURT:
Whoa, look at this.
160
00:05:48,047 --> 00:05:50,465
I think Sabrina left too soon.
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00:05:55,454 --> 00:05:57,121
That's our diamond.
162
00:05:57,139 --> 00:05:59,090
But it's more than $830.
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00:05:59,124 --> 00:06:01,392
We'll just have to get creative.
164
00:06:01,427 --> 00:06:04,062
I promise you're going to love this.
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00:06:04,096 --> 00:06:06,181
Ooh, this is exciting!
166
00:06:09,502 --> 00:06:11,035
It's your mother's car.
Not anymore.
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00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:12,804
They gave it to us.
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00:06:12,838 --> 00:06:14,772
As a gift?
Well, sort of.
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00:06:14,806 --> 00:06:17,108
You see, we finally found
the diamond in the rough,
170
00:06:17,142 --> 00:06:19,244
but it was a bit
above my spending limit.
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00:06:19,278 --> 00:06:21,112
So my parents kicked in the extra money,
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00:06:21,146 --> 00:06:24,549
- and they gave us this car,
and they got their dream car. - Mm.
173
00:06:24,583 --> 00:06:25,983
(tires squealing in distance)
174
00:06:26,001 --> 00:06:28,002
175
00:06:36,762 --> 00:06:39,013
Is this amazing or what?
176
00:06:39,048 --> 00:06:41,683
Roads? We don't need roads!
177
00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:45,470
Please cover my eyes again.
178
00:06:51,525 --> 00:06:53,527
See? This car's not so bad.
179
00:06:53,643 --> 00:06:56,011
And once you get a feel
for how to pump the brakes,
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00:06:56,062 --> 00:06:57,462
it's actually not that hard to stop.
181
00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:58,847
Oh, yeah. That and the fact
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00:06:58,898 --> 00:07:00,932
that the radio shorts out
when the heater's on,
183
00:07:00,966 --> 00:07:02,684
the hood pops up
when you brake too fast,
184
00:07:02,735 --> 00:07:04,853
the power steering only works
on right turns.
185
00:07:04,904 --> 00:07:06,738
(grunting)
And... not...
186
00:07:06,772 --> 00:07:10,308
on... left... turns.
187
00:07:15,164 --> 00:07:16,665
JIMMY:
Where are we?
188
00:07:16,699 --> 00:07:18,256
SABRINA: At a place where
normal people buy cars.
189
00:07:18,352 --> 00:07:21,320
Look, this car is no safer
for Hope than your van was.
190
00:07:21,355 --> 00:07:24,640
Well...
Cars should not do this.
191
00:07:24,658 --> 00:07:26,642
I'm pretty sure if you pull
that hard on any steering wheel,
192
00:07:26,660 --> 00:07:29,648
it's gonna come off.
Let's find out.
193
00:07:34,590 --> 00:07:37,642
It adjusts up and down,
controls the radio,
194
00:07:37,676 --> 00:07:40,178
cruise control, Bluetooth and climate,
195
00:07:40,212 --> 00:07:42,230
but it does not come off.
196
00:07:42,264 --> 00:07:43,565
(grunting)
197
00:07:43,599 --> 00:07:45,016
(panting)
198
00:07:45,050 --> 00:07:46,267
Well, the seat's pretty comfortable.
199
00:07:46,318 --> 00:07:48,269
Oh, wait-- it gets better.
Hold on.
200
00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:49,437
Please be an ejector seat,
201
00:07:49,488 --> 00:07:50,605
please be an ejector seat,
please be... Oh!
202
00:07:50,656 --> 00:07:52,657
Oh, this is still cool.
203
00:07:52,691 --> 00:07:55,076
Huh?
(laughs)
204
00:07:57,896 --> 00:07:59,230
Heated seats are great, right?
205
00:07:59,248 --> 00:08:01,983
My ass feels like
it just came out of a dryer.
206
00:08:02,017 --> 00:08:04,452
That kind of luxury cannot come cheap.
207
00:08:04,503 --> 00:08:06,070
Just a few bucks more
on our monthly payment.
208
00:08:06,088 --> 00:08:07,571
That's it?
Mm-hmm.
209
00:08:08,707 --> 00:08:12,410
Your life is about to change, my friend.
210
00:08:14,847 --> 00:08:17,432
Fresh air and sunshine,
anytime you want it,
211
00:08:17,466 --> 00:08:19,017
for just pennies a day.
212
00:08:19,051 --> 00:08:21,519
It just seems that if
there's an open roof...
213
00:08:21,553 --> 00:08:23,137
There is no ejector seat, Jimmy.
214
00:08:25,024 --> 00:08:27,725
Oh, I can't get enough of that.
215
00:08:27,759 --> 00:08:29,427
It's called
"new car smell."
216
00:08:29,445 --> 00:08:31,262
How much do they charge for that?
217
00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:32,596
It's free.
218
00:08:32,615 --> 00:08:34,198
Oh, we'll take it!
219
00:08:34,233 --> 00:08:35,783
Congratulations.
220
00:08:35,818 --> 00:08:37,435
You just chose the most reliable,
221
00:08:37,453 --> 00:08:39,270
affordable, family car on the market.
222
00:08:39,288 --> 00:08:41,789
Now let's go do some paperwork.
223
00:08:41,824 --> 00:08:43,607
(sniffing)
224
00:08:43,626 --> 00:08:45,209
How about I stay, sign the paperwork,
225
00:08:45,244 --> 00:08:48,612
you pick up Hope, and I will
meet you at home with a new car?
226
00:08:48,631 --> 00:08:52,550
Jimmy, this is the first new car
in Chance family history.
227
00:08:52,584 --> 00:08:53,801
You should frame the title
228
00:08:53,836 --> 00:08:55,619
and put it up next to your college di...
229
00:08:55,638 --> 00:08:57,839
Next to your high school di...
230
00:08:57,890 --> 00:08:59,590
Never mind.
231
00:08:59,624 --> 00:09:01,342
I love you.
232
00:09:03,012 --> 00:09:04,128
See you at home.
233
00:09:06,131 --> 00:09:07,015
(inhaling)
234
00:09:07,066 --> 00:09:10,134
VIRGINIA:
The engine on this thing
235
00:09:10,169 --> 00:09:11,653
runs a little rough.
236
00:09:11,687 --> 00:09:13,738
You really think it can get up to 88?
237
00:09:13,772 --> 00:09:15,356
Only one way to find out.
238
00:09:15,407 --> 00:09:16,941
(engine revving)
239
00:09:16,975 --> 00:09:19,527
If you really could go back
in time, what would you do?
240
00:09:19,578 --> 00:09:21,362
Remember that time
we drove back from the lake...
241
00:09:21,413 --> 00:09:22,380
Mm.
...and I said I could
242
00:09:22,414 --> 00:09:23,531
make it all the way home
243
00:09:23,582 --> 00:09:24,982
without stopping to go to the bathroom?
244
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:26,200
I'd stop.
245
00:09:26,251 --> 00:09:27,618
I would go back in time
246
00:09:27,652 --> 00:09:29,370
and not make chili
when we were up at the lake.
247
00:09:29,421 --> 00:09:31,756
Here we go.
248
00:09:31,790 --> 00:09:34,859
(engine revving)
249
00:09:39,998 --> 00:09:42,133
(Burt laughs)
250
00:09:42,167 --> 00:09:43,167
Sixty...
251
00:09:44,186 --> 00:09:45,553
Sixty-five...
252
00:09:47,356 --> 00:09:48,389
Seventy!
253
00:09:49,341 --> 00:09:50,575
Seventy-three!
254
00:09:52,861 --> 00:09:54,362
Seventy-eight!
255
00:09:54,396 --> 00:09:55,396
(gasps)
256
00:09:55,447 --> 00:09:56,781
Ow! Stop it, Burt!
257
00:09:56,815 --> 00:09:57,865
She's breaking up!
258
00:09:57,900 --> 00:09:59,517
She's breaking up!
259
00:09:59,535 --> 00:10:01,869
(screaming)
260
00:10:01,904 --> 00:10:05,056
BURT:
Well, that was disappointing.
261
00:10:05,090 --> 00:10:06,424
I mean, I'm not an idiot.
262
00:10:06,458 --> 00:10:08,526
I know we don't have a flux capacitor,
263
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:10,194
but I thought,
if we could get it up to 88,
264
00:10:10,229 --> 00:10:11,389
maybe something would happen.
265
00:10:11,397 --> 00:10:13,231
It's probably best that it didn't.
266
00:10:13,265 --> 00:10:15,266
Remember that movie
The Butterfly Effect?
267
00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:19,053
We would have had to sit
through that stupid thing twice.
268
00:10:23,308 --> 00:10:25,259
Put down the pen, Jimmy.
269
00:10:25,310 --> 00:10:27,011
I just ran your credit.
270
00:10:27,045 --> 00:10:29,063
You've got a score of 91.
271
00:10:29,098 --> 00:10:31,065
Oh, that's an "A," right?
272
00:10:31,100 --> 00:10:32,383
It's out of 850.
273
00:10:32,401 --> 00:10:35,553
This is the worst credit score
we've ever seen.
274
00:10:35,571 --> 00:10:38,072
It's the hardest my manager's
laughed since I showed her
275
00:10:38,107 --> 00:10:40,742
that Internet video of guys
getting kicked in the jingles.
276
00:10:40,776 --> 00:10:42,726
Have you seen that?
277
00:10:42,745 --> 00:10:44,028
Oh, here, this'll cheer you up.
278
00:10:44,062 --> 00:10:45,363
I don't understand.
279
00:10:45,397 --> 00:10:46,864
I've never had a credit card.
280
00:10:46,898 --> 00:10:48,282
I've never taken out a loan.
281
00:10:48,333 --> 00:10:49,584
I've never even borrowed lunch money.
282
00:10:49,618 --> 00:10:51,119
How can my credit be bad?
283
00:10:51,170 --> 00:10:54,672
Well, according to this, in 1993,
284
00:10:54,706 --> 00:10:56,124
you opened a credit card,
285
00:10:56,175 --> 00:10:58,209
and made a bunch of charges
you never paid.
286
00:10:58,243 --> 00:11:01,245
Do you remember signing
any documents as a kid?
287
00:11:01,263 --> 00:11:04,849
Well, my mom used to make me
practice signing my autograph
288
00:11:04,883 --> 00:11:07,101
in case I ever became a movie star.
289
00:11:07,136 --> 00:11:08,853
You're my favorite movie star.
290
00:11:12,808 --> 00:11:14,108
Can I have your autograph?
291
00:11:14,143 --> 00:11:15,643
Okay.
292
00:11:15,694 --> 00:11:17,228
Great.
293
00:11:17,262 --> 00:11:19,230
Sign here, here, and here.
294
00:11:19,264 --> 00:11:20,898
Initials here and here.
295
00:11:20,932 --> 00:11:22,773
And we're going to need
this one in triplicate.
296
00:11:22,785 --> 00:11:24,168
No.
297
00:11:24,203 --> 00:11:25,769
They wouldn't.
298
00:11:25,788 --> 00:11:27,938
Says you owe six grand for a hot tub.
299
00:11:29,158 --> 00:11:31,125
How can we afford a hot tub
300
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:33,244
and I can't get new shoes?
301
00:11:35,297 --> 00:11:37,498
Because your feet are gonna
keep growing, buddy,
302
00:11:37,549 --> 00:11:39,167
but this hot tub will fit us forever.
303
00:11:39,218 --> 00:11:41,669
Now go to bed, and don't
forget to wipe your toes
304
00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:43,004
before you go inside.
305
00:11:43,055 --> 00:11:44,788
Ugh...
306
00:11:44,807 --> 00:11:46,957
These debts are from over 20 years ago.
307
00:11:46,975 --> 00:11:49,444
I'm sure creditors
must have been calling you.
308
00:11:49,478 --> 00:11:51,846
(phone ringing)
309
00:11:51,897 --> 00:11:53,197
Hello?
310
00:11:53,232 --> 00:11:56,017
This is Dennis Powers
from the Bank of Natesville.
311
00:11:56,068 --> 00:11:58,302
I'm calling for James Chance.
312
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:01,405
Dad, it's that guy
who prank calls us again.
313
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:03,658
Let him have it, son.
314
00:12:03,692 --> 00:12:05,943
Say hello to my butt.
315
00:12:05,977 --> 00:12:06,994
(farting)
316
00:12:07,029 --> 00:12:09,947
That's not funny or effective
317
00:12:09,981 --> 00:12:11,815
since I can't smell it from here.
318
00:12:11,834 --> 00:12:12,867
(farts)
319
00:12:12,918 --> 00:12:14,669
If you continue to mock me,
320
00:12:14,703 --> 00:12:15,953
I'll freeze your credit.
321
00:12:15,987 --> 00:12:16,987
(farting over phone)
322
00:12:18,006 --> 00:12:18,989
(squirting sound)
323
00:12:19,007 --> 00:12:20,291
Uh-oh.
324
00:12:20,325 --> 00:12:22,326
I gambled and I lost!
325
00:12:24,847 --> 00:12:26,848
Wow, that sounds traumatic.
326
00:12:26,882 --> 00:12:29,833
Which makes it even harder to
ask for all this stuff back.
327
00:12:35,274 --> 00:12:37,275
Virginia, I did it!
328
00:12:43,348 --> 00:12:45,316
(makes whooshing sound
like DeLorean door opening)
329
00:12:46,184 --> 00:12:47,869
We're a DeLorean house now.
330
00:12:47,903 --> 00:12:49,987
Finally, people will be
pointing at our house
331
00:12:50,021 --> 00:12:51,155
for all the right reasons.
332
00:12:51,189 --> 00:12:52,323
(rattling doorknob)
333
00:12:52,357 --> 00:12:54,208
Mom? Dad?
334
00:12:54,243 --> 00:12:55,526
Back up.
335
00:12:55,544 --> 00:12:57,528
Just back up.
And be careful.
336
00:12:57,546 --> 00:12:59,863
I already smacked the mailman's
chin pretty hard.
337
00:12:59,882 --> 00:13:01,365
(whooshing)
338
00:13:01,383 --> 00:13:02,866
DeLorean door.
339
00:13:03,886 --> 00:13:05,303
Yeah, that won't get old.
340
00:13:05,337 --> 00:13:08,139
I cannot believe what you guys
did to me when I was a kid.
341
00:13:08,173 --> 00:13:09,757
I mean, you have done some awful things,
342
00:13:09,808 --> 00:13:11,592
but this-- this has
to be the worst.
343
00:13:11,643 --> 00:13:15,045
Oh, my God, he found out Maw Maw
performed his circumcision.
344
00:13:15,063 --> 00:13:17,715
She learned how to do it during the war.
345
00:13:17,733 --> 00:13:18,716
You barely cried.
346
00:13:18,734 --> 00:13:20,434
You stole my identity!
347
00:13:20,485 --> 00:13:22,720
What?
We would never do that.
348
00:13:22,738 --> 00:13:24,888
You took out a credit card
in my name when I was five.
349
00:13:24,907 --> 00:13:25,990
Oh, that.
350
00:13:26,024 --> 00:13:27,408
Yeah, we did kind of do that.
351
00:13:27,442 --> 00:13:29,193
But it wasn't our fault, Jimmy.
352
00:13:29,227 --> 00:13:31,112
We had no idea how credit cards worked.
353
00:13:31,163 --> 00:13:32,863
One day, your dad was at the bank
354
00:13:32,897 --> 00:13:34,949
and they were handing out
these really cool fanny packs
355
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,450
if he signed up for a credit card.
356
00:13:36,501 --> 00:13:38,286
It wasn't a lame one.
It was leather.
357
00:13:38,337 --> 00:13:40,922
And when the credit card
showed up with his name on it,
358
00:13:40,956 --> 00:13:42,406
we could buy all our dream stuff
359
00:13:42,424 --> 00:13:44,258
from those late-night
infomercials.
360
00:13:44,293 --> 00:13:46,127
Smokin' Joe Frazier Grill,
361
00:13:46,178 --> 00:13:47,428
Andrew Dice Clay Dicer,
362
00:13:47,462 --> 00:13:49,413
Rowdy Roddy Piper Popcorn Popper.
363
00:13:49,431 --> 00:13:52,082
The Henry Winkler Sprinkler.
The Bret Michaels Poison Control Kit.
364
00:13:52,100 --> 00:13:54,385
And a whole set of knives
that could cut through a can.
365
00:13:54,419 --> 00:13:56,771
I used to ask your mom if
she wanted to split a beer,
366
00:13:56,805 --> 00:13:58,285
then I'd cut that sucker right in two.
367
00:13:58,307 --> 00:14:00,474
But before we maxed out your dad's card,
368
00:14:00,525 --> 00:14:02,310
they sent us another one,
through the mail,
369
00:14:02,361 --> 00:14:03,444
with my name on it.
370
00:14:03,478 --> 00:14:06,147
And that's when we really went to town.
371
00:14:06,198 --> 00:14:07,648
Big-ticket items, Jimmy.
372
00:14:07,699 --> 00:14:09,317
Things rich people have:
373
00:14:09,368 --> 00:14:10,868
night-vision goggles,
374
00:14:10,902 --> 00:14:12,787
an answering machine/phone combo,
375
00:14:12,821 --> 00:14:14,271
an electric card-shuffler,
376
00:14:14,289 --> 00:14:16,874
a Darth Vader boombox
with a lightsaber antenna.
377
00:14:16,908 --> 00:14:18,242
We spent hundreds.
378
00:14:18,276 --> 00:14:20,294
So when you were telling me
that you never used credit
379
00:14:20,329 --> 00:14:22,580
because it was bad,
that was a load of crap.
380
00:14:22,614 --> 00:14:26,000
No, we were trying to protect
you from the evil, Jimmy.
381
00:14:26,051 --> 00:14:28,336
We knew we had a problem,
382
00:14:28,387 --> 00:14:30,671
but luckily, we reached
our limit on both our cards.
383
00:14:30,722 --> 00:14:33,257
So there's no way anyone was
gonna send us another one again.
384
00:14:33,291 --> 00:14:35,593
But the Devil had other plans.
385
00:14:35,627 --> 00:14:37,645
One day, a new card
arrived in the mail...
386
00:14:37,679 --> 00:14:39,180
with your name on it.
387
00:14:39,231 --> 00:14:41,515
The bastard went after our child.
388
00:14:41,566 --> 00:14:43,300
We could have easily
sliced through that card
389
00:14:43,318 --> 00:14:44,685
with our fancy new knives,
390
00:14:44,736 --> 00:14:46,520
then effortlessly cut through a tomato,
391
00:14:46,571 --> 00:14:49,473
but we were young and
we really wanted a hot tub.
392
00:14:49,491 --> 00:14:50,941
And besides,
393
00:14:50,975 --> 00:14:53,277
we thought there was a "statue
of imitations" on credit.
394
00:14:53,311 --> 00:14:55,029
We thought your record would be clean
395
00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:56,497
by the time you were an adult.
396
00:14:58,533 --> 00:15:01,619
We never meant to hurt you, Jimmy.
397
00:15:01,653 --> 00:15:03,170
Tomorrow morning,
we're going to the bank.
398
00:15:03,205 --> 00:15:04,839
We're gonna tell them what we did,
399
00:15:04,873 --> 00:15:06,173
and we're gonna clear your name.
400
00:15:06,208 --> 00:15:07,258
And then that's it.
401
00:15:07,292 --> 00:15:08,812
We're not making bad decisions anymore.
402
00:15:08,827 --> 00:15:10,594
While we're there, we can
grab some lunch next door
403
00:15:10,629 --> 00:15:11,995
at that Mexican-Indian
restaurant
404
00:15:12,014 --> 00:15:13,297
the health department finally reopened.
405
00:15:13,331 --> 00:15:14,498
JIMMY:
Oh, that's a good idea.
406
00:15:14,516 --> 00:15:15,966
I heard their power
went out the other day
407
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:17,718
for 18 hours and they're selling
anything with chicken in it
408
00:15:17,769 --> 00:15:19,167
for real cheap.
Sounds great.
409
00:15:19,287 --> 00:15:20,567
We'll take the East River Bridge.
410
00:15:20,657 --> 00:15:22,697
There's almost no traffic
since it started cracking.
411
00:15:27,501 --> 00:15:29,267
Oh, yes...
412
00:15:29,439 --> 00:15:33,358
I seem to have quite a few
notes on you in this file.
413
00:15:33,409 --> 00:15:35,861
Hah. "The phone farter."
414
00:15:35,912 --> 00:15:39,114
It's not his fault.
He was five years old.
415
00:15:39,148 --> 00:15:42,217
Isn't there any way we can
just pay back what we spent?
416
00:15:42,252 --> 00:15:45,120
Well, I suppose we could
transfer this debt
417
00:15:45,154 --> 00:15:46,572
to the two of you.
418
00:15:46,606 --> 00:15:48,590
Which, with penalties and interest,
419
00:15:48,625 --> 00:15:53,045
comes to $125,000.76.
420
00:15:53,096 --> 00:15:55,881
Two questions: can we pay
that with a credit card,
421
00:15:55,932 --> 00:15:57,666
and can we get a credit card?
422
00:15:57,700 --> 00:16:00,302
Can't they just pay back
the amount that they borrowed?
423
00:16:00,336 --> 00:16:01,803
It doesn't work that way.
424
00:16:01,837 --> 00:16:03,672
Rules are rules.
425
00:16:03,690 --> 00:16:06,692
What do you think, there's
a magic button I can press
426
00:16:06,726 --> 00:16:09,144
that'll make your penalties
and interest disappear?
427
00:16:11,364 --> 00:16:13,131
Actually, there is.
428
00:16:13,166 --> 00:16:15,284
This one...
429
00:16:16,819 --> 00:16:18,253
...right here.
430
00:16:21,291 --> 00:16:22,991
Nice try,
431
00:16:23,025 --> 00:16:24,826
but these are the fastest fingers
432
00:16:24,860 --> 00:16:26,795
in the Natesville branch.
433
00:16:26,829 --> 00:16:29,081
That's why I've never been caught
434
00:16:29,132 --> 00:16:31,800
picking my nose at a red light.
435
00:16:31,834 --> 00:16:33,669
And I do it a lot.
436
00:16:34,704 --> 00:16:36,338
I'm not going to help you.
437
00:16:36,372 --> 00:16:39,258
I detest reckless spenders
438
00:16:39,292 --> 00:16:41,260
who live above their means.
439
00:16:41,311 --> 00:16:42,678
But we're not like that anymore.
440
00:16:42,712 --> 00:16:44,763
I swear. We never buy
anything we can't afford.
441
00:16:44,814 --> 00:16:48,433
He's not lying.
We all work hard at our part-time jobs.
442
00:16:48,484 --> 00:16:50,319
Plus, we coupon and
live in a crappy house
443
00:16:50,353 --> 00:16:51,770
with my crazy great-grandmother.
444
00:16:51,821 --> 00:16:53,438
Oh...
445
00:16:53,489 --> 00:16:58,193
I live with my elderly mother.
446
00:16:58,227 --> 00:17:00,862
Oh, it's not easy...
447
00:17:02,215 --> 00:17:03,849
...but I love her.
448
00:17:03,883 --> 00:17:07,703
I know exactly how you feel, Dennis.
449
00:17:07,737 --> 00:17:10,622
You got to take care of them
the way they took care of you.
450
00:17:11,841 --> 00:17:13,208
Does yours bite, too?
451
00:17:13,242 --> 00:17:15,644
(quietly): Not now, Burt.
I'm doing something here.
452
00:17:15,678 --> 00:17:20,415
It does sound like you've
learned your lesson.
453
00:17:20,433 --> 00:17:22,050
Yeah.
454
00:17:22,084 --> 00:17:23,352
I guess everybody makes mistakes
455
00:17:23,386 --> 00:17:24,753
when they're younger.
456
00:17:25,939 --> 00:17:27,689
I'm gonna help you folks out.
457
00:17:27,724 --> 00:17:29,591
Hey, Dennis,
458
00:17:29,609 --> 00:17:31,860
some idiot parked in my handicap spot.
459
00:17:31,894 --> 00:17:33,445
I'm gonna call a tow truck,
460
00:17:33,479 --> 00:17:35,113
but you might want to check it out.
461
00:17:35,148 --> 00:17:36,148
It's your dream car.
462
00:17:36,199 --> 00:17:37,482
(gasps)
463
00:17:40,703 --> 00:17:43,071
Whoa, Betty!
464
00:17:43,105 --> 00:17:45,073
I wish I was rich enough
465
00:17:45,107 --> 00:17:48,827
to waste money on
a sweet ride like this.
466
00:17:48,878 --> 00:17:49,911
Yeah.
467
00:17:49,945 --> 00:17:51,830
I feel dirty just being next to it.
468
00:17:51,881 --> 00:17:55,500
Maybe we should go back inside
and finish fixing Jimmy's debt.
469
00:18:06,562 --> 00:18:08,630
It's hot out, huh?
470
00:18:15,221 --> 00:18:17,618
You almost pulled one
over on old Dennis.
471
00:18:17,839 --> 00:18:19,840
Sure, you've changed your ways.
472
00:18:19,874 --> 00:18:23,332
Sure, you don't live above your means.
473
00:18:23,452 --> 00:18:26,313
You only drive the
sweetest car ever built.
474
00:18:26,348 --> 00:18:27,481
But you don't understand.
475
00:18:27,516 --> 00:18:29,316
They found their diamond in the rough.
476
00:18:29,351 --> 00:18:33,487
Stop. Just stop.
477
00:18:33,522 --> 00:18:35,389
Other than when I'm at
a gentleman's club,
478
00:18:35,407 --> 00:18:37,324
I don't like being lied to.
479
00:18:37,359 --> 00:18:41,529
I'm going to personally make sure
480
00:18:41,563 --> 00:18:44,832
that this debt follows
you to your grave.
481
00:18:44,866 --> 00:18:46,233
Uh...
482
00:18:48,253 --> 00:18:50,538
Wait, Dennis.
483
00:18:50,572 --> 00:18:52,790
It's probably hard to believe,
knowing we own that car,
484
00:18:52,841 --> 00:18:55,075
but as parents, we've
made tons of mistakes.
485
00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:57,595
But up till now, we've always
been able to fix it
486
00:18:57,629 --> 00:18:59,880
so they didn't follow Jimmy
around for the rest of his life.
487
00:18:59,914 --> 00:19:01,849
That's not true.
It is true, Jimmy.
488
00:19:01,883 --> 00:19:03,134
We've been terrible parents.
489
00:19:03,185 --> 00:19:04,602
Oh, no, no, no, that part's true.
490
00:19:04,636 --> 00:19:06,470
But the mistakes you made,
they followed me around.
491
00:19:06,521 --> 00:19:07,972
You never made me do my homework,
492
00:19:08,023 --> 00:19:10,558
which is why I couldn't get any
job that required any education.
493
00:19:10,592 --> 00:19:11,872
You never took me to the dentist,
494
00:19:11,893 --> 00:19:13,727
so when the wind blows, my gums bleed.
495
00:19:13,761 --> 00:19:15,762
And you never let me
make my own decisions,
496
00:19:15,781 --> 00:19:17,931
which is why I rely
on you and my fianc?e
497
00:19:17,949 --> 00:19:19,483
to tell me what to do.
498
00:19:19,534 --> 00:19:21,735
Jimmy, we tried our best.
Oh, yeah?
499
00:19:21,769 --> 00:19:24,405
Was your best letting my
great-grandmother circumcise me?
500
00:19:24,439 --> 00:19:27,041
I mean, it's no wonder I always
pee a little bit to the left.
501
00:19:27,075 --> 00:19:28,375
What do you expect me to do?
502
00:19:28,410 --> 00:19:30,327
Pull foreskin out of my pocket
and reattach it?
503
00:19:30,378 --> 00:19:32,079
Please give Jimmy his credit back.
504
00:19:32,113 --> 00:19:33,714
We'll give you anything you want.
505
00:19:36,718 --> 00:19:38,385
Her.
506
00:19:38,420 --> 00:19:41,589
I want her.
507
00:19:41,623 --> 00:19:44,475
Well, I am flattered, but...
508
00:19:45,894 --> 00:19:47,895
Ah...
509
00:19:49,731 --> 00:19:51,398
JIMMY:
It wasn't how they imagined it,
510
00:19:51,433 --> 00:19:54,018
but Mom and Dad didget to use the DeLorean
511
00:19:54,069 --> 00:19:56,136
to go back in time and change the past.
512
00:19:56,154 --> 00:19:57,655
Ah.
513
00:19:57,689 --> 00:19:58,756
Oof!
514
00:19:58,790 --> 00:20:00,807
JIMMY:
And I got my credit back.
515
00:20:05,497 --> 00:20:06,947
In the end, the one good thing
516
00:20:06,981 --> 00:20:08,815
that came out of my parentsruining my credit
517
00:20:08,834 --> 00:20:10,835
was that I was determined not to.
518
00:20:14,456 --> 00:20:15,756
Oh! Should we get
the navigation?
519
00:20:15,790 --> 00:20:17,258
Ah, I know my way around Natesville.
520
00:20:17,292 --> 00:20:18,425
The rear-view camera?
521
00:20:18,460 --> 00:20:19,927
That's what back bumpers are for.
522
00:20:19,961 --> 00:20:20,961
The entertainment system?
523
00:20:20,962 --> 00:20:22,546
So many people have those.
524
00:20:22,597 --> 00:20:23,881
We'll just tailgate a mini-van
525
00:20:23,932 --> 00:20:25,566
and Hope can see as
many movies as she wants.
526
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:27,935
Sunroof?
We'll take the basic model.
527
00:20:27,969 --> 00:20:30,638
And is there any way
that you can finance that
528
00:20:30,672 --> 00:20:32,122
under the name "Hope Chance"?
529
00:20:34,109 --> 00:20:35,776
I'm just kidding.
530
00:20:42,183 --> 00:20:45,236
Come on, come on...
you're getting closer.
531
00:20:45,287 --> 00:20:46,287
Come on! Out of the way!
532
00:20:47,522 --> 00:20:48,489
Come on!
533
00:20:48,523 --> 00:20:49,573
Just a little more.
534
00:20:50,659 --> 00:20:52,126
Almost there...
535
00:20:53,211 --> 00:20:55,629
Come on...
536
00:20:55,664 --> 00:20:57,081
Yes!
537
00:20:57,132 --> 00:20:58,799
(laughs) Yes! Yes!
538
00:21:00,168 --> 00:21:01,335
Holy crap!
539
00:21:01,369 --> 00:21:02,536
Ah!
540
00:21:04,306 --> 00:21:06,140
(horse whinnies)
541
00:21:06,174 --> 00:21:07,291
Wha...?
542
00:21:12,531 --> 00:21:13,998
Oh, my God!
543
00:21:14,032 --> 00:21:16,200
It worked!
544
00:21:16,234 --> 00:21:17,201
What year is it?
545
00:21:17,235 --> 00:21:19,153
Is it 2013?
546
00:21:19,187 --> 00:21:21,855
Nope. Here at Howdy's,
it's 1829.
547
00:21:21,889 --> 00:21:23,890
Hey, why don't you mosey into
Howdy's General Store
548
00:21:23,909 --> 00:21:25,960
for a five-cent sarsaparilla?
549
00:21:25,994 --> 00:21:27,278
No time, partner.
550
00:21:27,329 --> 00:21:29,330
I'm off to the year 2008
551
00:21:29,364 --> 00:21:31,832
to marry Susan Boyle
552
00:21:31,866 --> 00:21:34,285
before she got rich and famous.
(laughing)
553
00:21:35,046 --> 00:21:43,552
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
554
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:47,059
Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player
555
00:21:47,109 --> 00:21:51,659
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