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00:00:09,934 --> 00:00:11,234
Now that Hope was three,
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00:00:11,268 --> 00:00:13,019
this was probably gonna bethe first Christmas
3
00:00:13,053 --> 00:00:14,270
she remembered.
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So I worked double shiftsto be able to afford
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00:00:17,891 --> 00:00:19,242
everything she wanted.
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00:00:19,276 --> 00:00:22,395
Of course, I wasn't justsacrificing my time,
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I was sacrificing my self-respect.
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We wish you a Howdy's Christmas
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We wish you
a Howdy's Christ...
10
00:00:30,737 --> 00:00:32,872
We wish you a Howdy's Christmas
11
00:00:32,906 --> 00:00:36,426
And a low-priced New Year!
12
00:00:36,460 --> 00:00:37,961
I'm guessing she has a coupon or two?
13
00:00:37,995 --> 00:00:39,712
Indeed.
- I'll take this.
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00:00:39,746 --> 00:00:41,580
Sabrina,
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extreme couponers need to be
dealt with by extreme cashiers.
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00:00:44,751 --> 00:00:45,635
Virginia.
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00:00:45,686 --> 00:00:46,636
Barney.
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What have you got today?
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I have half off from the manufacturer,
20
00:00:49,523 --> 00:00:50,523
which is stackable.
21
00:00:50,557 --> 00:00:52,892
That means she can combine
it with other coupons.
22
00:00:52,926 --> 00:00:56,562
So, I will also be using
this 20% off store coupon,
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00:00:56,596 --> 00:00:59,866
which I will them combine with a BOGO.
Buy one get one free.
24
00:00:59,900 --> 00:01:02,201
What do you need with this
many dryer sheets, anyway?
25
00:01:02,236 --> 00:01:03,403
They have thousands of uses.
26
00:01:03,437 --> 00:01:04,487
They're great for getting rid of bugs.
27
00:01:04,538 --> 00:01:06,122
You can use them as air fresheners.
28
00:01:06,156 --> 00:01:08,207
Deodorant, napkins.
And if you're in a pinch,
29
00:01:08,242 --> 00:01:10,460
you can use one as a coffee filter.
30
00:01:10,494 --> 00:01:11,711
You're abusing the system.
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The grocery store economy
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is very volatile.
33
00:01:14,381 --> 00:01:15,581
I'm already one broilworm
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larvae outbreak in Southeast Asia away
35
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from losing half my produce section,
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and now you're trying
to kill me in home and garden.
37
00:01:21,055 --> 00:01:22,472
Yeah, well, I really wouldn't worry about it
38
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because the world as we know it
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is going to end on Friday, Barney.
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So while the rest of you are fighting each other
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over a sip of water from a radioactive puddle,
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I will be sitting safely in my survival bunker
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sipping a nice, hot cup
of static-free,
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spring-rain-scented java.
45
00:01:41,525 --> 00:01:42,859
Did I not mention my mother thinks
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the world is gonna end next Friday?
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It all started about two years ago.
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And when you look at the
fact that the Mayan calendar
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ends on December 21, 2012,
50
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the only logical conclusion you can come to is
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the world is going to end.
52
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Can that be true?
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Now, let's take a few callers--
Wilfrid in Camden County.
54
00:02:01,829 --> 00:02:04,480
What you're saying is totally true, man.
55
00:02:04,515 --> 00:02:06,916
I heard it on a different radio show yesterday.
56
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Oh, my God.
57
00:02:08,285 --> 00:02:09,952
It's true.
58
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Are we all gonna die?
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That's my worst fear--
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to be here one day and gone the next.
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Like I never even existed.
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00:02:17,144 --> 00:02:20,563
I guess this means I need
to get my bucket list started.
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Bucket list?
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You're 114 years old.
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What the hell have you been waiting for?
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Hey, I didn't know what a bucket list was.
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The movie just came out.
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By the way,
spoiler alert-- it sucks.
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00:02:31,291 --> 00:02:33,626
The good news is I found out about this now.
70
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Now, I've got a plan.
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00:02:35,295 --> 00:02:38,247
The Chance family is gonna be ready for this.
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Mom was serious about us preparing,
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so she gave us all jobs.
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Dad was in charge of handlingany looters, mutants or aliens.
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So he'd know how to reason with them,
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he tried to learn
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some down-home psychologyfrom Dr. Phil.
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Aw, man.
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00:02:53,897 --> 00:02:56,065
He just said, "You can lie to yourself
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"and pretend you're on a
first-class flight to London,
81
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"but everybody else knows you're
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00:03:00,053 --> 00:03:02,721
on a freight train
to Stupid Town."
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That should make her stop huffing paint.
84
00:03:05,526 --> 00:03:07,026
And if reasoning didn't work,
85
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Dad was taking a Krav Maga class
86
00:03:08,579 --> 00:03:10,196
down at the community center.
87
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Come on, use your extra arms.
88
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He's got to be prepared
for anything these aliens
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00:03:14,618 --> 00:03:16,335
and/or mutants throw at us.
90
00:03:18,338 --> 00:03:20,206
Kick him in the neck, Burt.
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00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:22,508
We have no idea where these
aliens' testicles will be.
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And since I was the best in thefamily at the game Operation,
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Mom put me in charge ofpost-apocalyptic first aid.
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So, hey, before you tape his stomach closed,
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00:03:34,271 --> 00:03:37,190
can you show me which one
of those things is his liver?
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00:03:37,224 --> 00:03:39,642
Mom set up a survival bunkerin the cellar and filled it
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with all the thingsnecessary to survive,
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which she paid forusing extreme couponing.
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We're gonna be billionaires if I'm right
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00:03:46,266 --> 00:03:48,451
about dental floss being the new currency.
101
00:03:48,485 --> 00:03:50,269
And Maw Maw was figuring out
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everything she wanted to dobefore she died.
103
00:03:52,573 --> 00:03:55,208
Hey, Maw Maw, I found a coupon
for the tattoo parlor.
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00:03:55,242 --> 00:03:56,942
Wasn't that on your bucket list?
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00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:58,277
Well, it was until this morning.
106
00:04:01,215 --> 00:04:03,883
Now, all I got to do
is go car-surfing,
107
00:04:03,917 --> 00:04:06,636
get in a fistfight, sleep with a black man
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00:04:06,670 --> 00:04:09,555
and do stand-up comedy.
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Stupid breadbasket.
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Even when we had major changesin our lives,
111
00:04:15,229 --> 00:04:17,847
we were still planningfor the end of the world.
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00:04:20,184 --> 00:04:22,235
Hey, Sabrina, right?
113
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Oh, yeah, Johnny, right?
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Uh, close enough.
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00:04:26,490 --> 00:04:28,407
Do you guys have any more
Band-Aids in the back?
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00:04:28,442 --> 00:04:31,027
I'm supposed to get like 600 boxes.
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Planning on skinning your knees
a few times, are you?
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Nah, nah.
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We're stocking up for the end of the world.
120
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I'm sorry, what?
121
00:04:41,038 --> 00:04:43,789
Dad, the cute girl at the grocery store told me
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that all this stuff about the
end of the world is a fallacy,
123
00:04:45,876 --> 00:04:48,177
and fallacy doesn't mean
"penis," it means "not true."
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Shh. Watch it.
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You want your mother to hear you?
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Of course the world's not gonna end.
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You knew this?
For how long?
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00:04:56,386 --> 00:04:58,804
For years-- went to the
library and checked it out.
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00:04:58,838 --> 00:05:01,607
It's all a big hoax like bigfoot
or the Loch Ness monster,
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00:05:01,642 --> 00:05:03,309
or the Underwater Gorilla.
131
00:05:03,343 --> 00:05:05,311
Then why are we stockpiling food
132
00:05:05,345 --> 00:05:07,396
and learning how to fight aliens and/or mutants?
133
00:05:07,431 --> 00:05:08,998
Jimmy, we got four-years worth
134
00:05:09,032 --> 00:05:10,399
of ice cream sandwiches in the basement.
135
00:05:10,434 --> 00:05:12,902
Plus I get to spend my weekends
fake-fighting aliens.
136
00:05:12,953 --> 00:05:14,203
It's a win-win.
137
00:05:14,238 --> 00:05:16,021
Aw, I guess you're right.
138
00:05:16,039 --> 00:05:18,908
Besides Rosa's family's totally convinced.
139
00:05:18,959 --> 00:05:20,076
We're gonna look like jerks if we don't
140
00:05:20,127 --> 00:05:21,494
at least pretend to believe.
141
00:05:21,528 --> 00:05:23,346
And when the super volcano blows,
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the entire world will be covered
in ash and all of humanity will
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be plunged into darkness and
despair for thousands of years.
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It's true.
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Enjoy your caramel crunch.
146
00:05:36,093 --> 00:05:39,262
Mommy, we're all gonna die!
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So rather than havea big fight with Mom,
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we just humored her.
149
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Look what I bought online.
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Turns urine into drinkable water.
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00:05:50,157 --> 00:05:52,275
It's used but I got a good deal.
152
00:05:52,326 --> 00:05:55,278
Just needs a few go-rounds
in the dishwasher.
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00:05:55,312 --> 00:05:58,564
Six more months and this'll all be over.
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Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
155
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Nice work.
156
00:06:13,180 --> 00:06:16,465
No matter where I had testicles,
that would have hurt them.
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Three more months and it'll all be over.
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00:06:21,188 --> 00:06:23,522
Drill! Evacuation drill!
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00:06:23,557 --> 00:06:25,641
Sabrina, if you're gonna become
a member of this family,
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you need a job-- you're in
charge of figuring out how to
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00:06:27,277 --> 00:06:29,562
cook anything that survives
the initial... whatever.
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00:06:29,596 --> 00:06:30,946
Now, everybody get out on the front lawn,
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00:06:30,981 --> 00:06:32,698
tuck yourselves into a little
ball and hold your breath.
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You should be up to three minutes by now.
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One more month and this'll all be over.
166
00:06:39,823 --> 00:06:42,124
Which brings us to today...
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Offer expires January fourth.
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Coupon must be presented at time of purchase.
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Each coupon good for a maximum
of 12 boxes per customer!
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Customer can use a maximum of four coupons,
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00:06:51,718 --> 00:06:54,286
which means you and Burt can only buy 96 boxes.
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00:06:54,304 --> 00:06:55,621
You need to put half these back.
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Hopes buying some of these.
174
00:07:03,930 --> 00:07:05,981
You'll have to put 48 boxes back.
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00:07:06,016 --> 00:07:07,516
Jimmy, get in line.
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00:07:09,469 --> 00:07:12,104
Three more days and it's all over.
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Sure, for everybody else.
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00:07:13,857 --> 00:07:17,526
For us, it's just the beginning.
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With all the craziness
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of preparing for the world to end,
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it was easy to forget that
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Christmas was right around the corner.
183
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But I was stilldetermined to make Hope's
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first Christmas memory a special one.
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And that meant explainingall the traditions to Hope,
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00:07:38,052 --> 00:07:40,087
and making sure we didevery last one of them.
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And then he leaves
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presents under the Christmas tree for everyone,
189
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but especially you.
190
00:07:52,316 --> 00:07:53,650
Only six more days till Christmas,
191
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and then you get to get the big piece.
192
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Oh-oh-oh, not yet, honey.
193
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We have to wait.
194
00:08:00,174 --> 00:08:02,075
Can you please stop?
195
00:08:02,110 --> 00:08:03,894
Make me, Nancy boy.
196
00:08:03,928 --> 00:08:06,663
I've only got three things
left on my bucket list,
197
00:08:06,697 --> 00:08:09,533
and I need to get into a fistfight.
198
00:08:09,567 --> 00:08:12,369
Maw Maw, I'm not gonna fight
you-- you're a million
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years old and you broke your pelvis
200
00:08:14,005 --> 00:08:15,172
falling off the roof of that car.
201
00:08:15,206 --> 00:08:16,556
I'm sorry, what did you just say?
202
00:08:16,591 --> 00:08:18,375
I'm not fluent in wussy.
203
00:08:20,878 --> 00:08:22,179
I'll fight you.
204
00:08:23,998 --> 00:08:24,998
You will?
205
00:08:25,032 --> 00:08:26,416
Oh, yeah.
206
00:08:26,434 --> 00:08:27,684
I've been wanting to punch you in the face
207
00:08:27,718 --> 00:08:28,852
ever since you told me I looked
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like Ralph Macchio in drag.
209
00:08:32,756 --> 00:08:36,143
Let's do this.
210
00:08:40,815 --> 00:08:41,781
Hey, hey!
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00:08:41,816 --> 00:08:43,867
Fistfight's happening.
212
00:08:43,901 --> 00:08:45,235
I'd be careful, Sabrina.
213
00:08:45,269 --> 00:08:46,870
Maw Maw doesn't always play by the rules.
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I think I'll be all right.
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00:08:49,907 --> 00:08:52,626
Aw!
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00:08:58,132 --> 00:08:59,249
Ow!
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00:09:05,506 --> 00:09:07,224
No!
You're gonna have to be
218
00:09:07,258 --> 00:09:08,625
tougher than that, you skinny little
219
00:09:08,643 --> 00:09:10,477
Ralph-Macchio-looking bitch!
220
00:09:13,097 --> 00:09:15,599
Well, we're all stocked up.
221
00:09:15,633 --> 00:09:17,484
Guess there's nothing left to do
222
00:09:17,518 --> 00:09:18,801
but celebrate Christmas tomorrow,
223
00:09:18,819 --> 00:09:20,070
and then climb into our
224
00:09:20,104 --> 00:09:21,988
hazmat suits and wait for the Apocalypse.
225
00:09:22,023 --> 00:09:24,074
What do you mean celebrate Christmas tomorrow?
226
00:09:24,108 --> 00:09:26,409
It's the 20th--
Christmas is the 25th.
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00:09:26,444 --> 00:09:27,410
Jimmy,
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00:09:27,445 --> 00:09:29,162
by the time the 25th rolls around,
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00:09:29,197 --> 00:09:31,281
Santa Claus will just be a desperate old man
230
00:09:31,315 --> 00:09:33,500
in a red suit peddling reindeer meat.
231
00:09:33,534 --> 00:09:35,835
We're having Christmas tomorrow.
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00:09:35,870 --> 00:09:37,704
Sounds good to me, honey.
233
00:09:37,755 --> 00:09:39,005
Good thinking.
234
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:41,041
All right, this has gone too far.
235
00:09:41,092 --> 00:09:42,959
I am not celebrating Christmas tomorrow night.
236
00:09:42,994 --> 00:09:44,611
We've invested two years in this.
237
00:09:44,645 --> 00:09:45,795
We're not backing down now.
238
00:09:45,829 --> 00:09:48,215
We're still gonna have real Christmas.
239
00:09:48,266 --> 00:09:50,884
Consider this practice Christmas.
240
00:09:50,935 --> 00:09:53,103
We'll all wear matching pajamas,
we'll open some gifts.
241
00:09:53,137 --> 00:09:54,354
It'll make your mother happy.
242
00:09:54,388 --> 00:09:55,855
Fine.
243
00:09:55,890 --> 00:09:58,725
But I'm not giving Hope her real
presents until actual Christmas.
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00:09:58,776 --> 00:09:59,893
Do whatever you want.
245
00:09:59,944 --> 00:10:01,728
All I care is that
we're done by 8:00.
246
00:10:01,779 --> 00:10:02,946
Your mother and I have quite
247
00:10:02,980 --> 00:10:04,648
the End of the World Eve Love Fest planned.
248
00:10:04,682 --> 00:10:07,234
I'll spare you the graphic
specifics of the things
249
00:10:07,285 --> 00:10:09,286
I'm gonna do to your mother.
250
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:11,738
It involves quite a bit of pudding.
251
00:10:20,464 --> 00:10:23,049
I hope you didn't love her for her face.
252
00:10:23,084 --> 00:10:25,368
'Cause she ain't so pretty no more.
253
00:10:25,386 --> 00:10:27,504
So reluctantly, the next day weall celebrated fake Christmas
254
00:10:27,538 --> 00:10:31,057
with all of our Christmas traditions.
255
00:10:31,092 --> 00:10:33,977
And as it turned out,there were actually
256
00:10:34,011 --> 00:10:37,097
some traditionsI didn't mind doing twice.
257
00:10:37,148 --> 00:10:39,882
Like opening gifts...
258
00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:41,685
Aw...
259
00:10:41,719 --> 00:10:43,987
A Hundred and One Recipes for Insects.
260
00:10:49,110 --> 00:10:52,078
Sabrina, you shouldn't have.
261
00:10:52,113 --> 00:10:53,947
You know, I just thought when we were running
262
00:10:53,998 --> 00:10:56,032
through crowds of people
whose skin was melting off,
263
00:10:56,066 --> 00:10:58,702
this would be a nice way to keep things light.
264
00:10:58,736 --> 00:11:00,103
This is awesome!
265
00:11:00,137 --> 00:11:02,422
Somebody rip a big one.
Let's see if this thing works.
266
00:11:02,456 --> 00:11:05,458
...or watching Ernest Saves
Christmas three times in a row.
267
00:11:10,631 --> 00:11:13,350
But there are some traditionsyou can only do once.
268
00:11:13,384 --> 00:11:15,969
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
269
00:11:16,020 --> 00:11:18,438
You can't eat the big chocolate until the 25th.
270
00:11:18,472 --> 00:11:19,773
It's not the 25th.
271
00:11:19,807 --> 00:11:22,776
Yeah, but we're celebrating
Christmas tonight, so...
272
00:11:24,945 --> 00:11:27,731
You let her eat 21 through 24?
273
00:11:27,765 --> 00:11:28,931
Of course I did.
274
00:11:28,949 --> 00:11:30,433
What do we have to wait for?
It's Christmas.
275
00:11:30,451 --> 00:11:32,769
No, it's not.
It's not Christmas.
276
00:11:32,787 --> 00:11:35,155
Christmas is in five days, and that's
when we're going to celebrate it.
277
00:11:35,206 --> 00:11:37,490
I don't want her first memories
of Christmas to be weird.
278
00:11:37,541 --> 00:11:39,492
She's going to eat the proper chocolate
279
00:11:39,543 --> 00:11:41,211
on the proper day.
280
00:11:45,149 --> 00:11:46,549
What are you doing?
281
00:11:46,584 --> 00:11:47,667
I'm gonna get the chocolate hard,
282
00:11:47,718 --> 00:11:48,951
break it off my finger,
283
00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:50,387
and then put pieces of it back in the calendar.
284
00:11:50,421 --> 00:11:52,172
Jimmy...
285
00:11:52,223 --> 00:11:53,506
you're being silly.
286
00:11:53,557 --> 00:11:55,759
I'm being silly?
287
00:11:55,793 --> 00:11:57,560
We've got three cases of
dog food in the basement
288
00:11:57,595 --> 00:11:59,145
labeled "zombie bait."
289
00:11:59,180 --> 00:12:00,597
So what are you saying?
290
00:12:00,631 --> 00:12:01,731
You don't think something's
gonna happen tomorrow?
291
00:12:01,766 --> 00:12:03,483
No. No, I don't, Mom.
292
00:12:03,517 --> 00:12:04,851
The only thing I think is gonna happen
293
00:12:04,902 --> 00:12:06,069
is that you're gonna feel like an idiot
294
00:12:06,103 --> 00:12:07,570
for eating 21 through 24.
295
00:12:07,605 --> 00:12:08,655
Because you're crazy.
296
00:12:09,690 --> 00:12:11,408
I'm not crazy.
297
00:12:11,442 --> 00:12:13,076
Oh, please.
298
00:12:13,110 --> 00:12:14,577
We all think you're crazy.
299
00:12:14,612 --> 00:12:15,829
Even Maw Maw thinks you're crazy.
300
00:12:15,863 --> 00:12:17,664
Burt, is that true?
301
00:12:18,999 --> 00:12:20,250
Does everybody think I'm crazy?
302
00:12:20,284 --> 00:12:21,818
Not I.
303
00:12:21,836 --> 00:12:23,670
I think you're spot on with this whole thing.
304
00:12:23,704 --> 00:12:24,921
Really?
305
00:12:24,955 --> 00:12:26,256
You think that, huh?
306
00:12:26,290 --> 00:12:27,557
Yes, I do.
307
00:12:27,591 --> 00:12:29,158
Okay.
308
00:12:30,177 --> 00:12:32,328
Wouldn't even worry about Jimmy.
309
00:12:32,346 --> 00:12:35,215
He's not gonna last two weeks
against the mutant spider army.
310
00:12:35,266 --> 00:12:36,599
So... Jimmy, give me that.
311
00:12:36,634 --> 00:12:38,551
What's that?
312
00:12:39,670 --> 00:12:40,804
Since we're celebrating Christmas early,
313
00:12:40,838 --> 00:12:43,005
I thought we should open up all the gifts.
314
00:12:43,023 --> 00:12:45,275
Dad hid this in my room.
315
00:12:45,309 --> 00:12:47,394
Looks like it has your name on it, Mom!
316
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:50,864
Ow, ow. Ow.
317
00:12:50,898 --> 00:12:52,182
Pie-of-the-Month Club?
318
00:12:52,216 --> 00:12:54,067
"I know you're disappointed
319
00:12:54,118 --> 00:12:55,985
"that the world didn't end,
320
00:12:56,019 --> 00:12:57,704
"but at least we have pie.
321
00:12:57,738 --> 00:13:00,206
Love, Burt."
322
00:13:05,296 --> 00:13:07,297
You...
323
00:13:08,048 --> 00:13:09,866
Three hours.
324
00:13:09,884 --> 00:13:11,918
You couldn't wait three more hours?
325
00:13:11,969 --> 00:13:14,754
And there goes my End of
the World Eve Love Fest.
326
00:13:14,805 --> 00:13:17,006
Ah, I can't believe I was nice enough
327
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:18,308
to spare you the graphic specifics
328
00:13:18,342 --> 00:13:20,894
of what I was gonna do to your mother.
329
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:38,745
Live with that image for the
rest of your life, big mouth.
330
00:13:49,569 --> 00:13:52,287
Well, it's ten seconds to midnight, Mom.
331
00:13:52,322 --> 00:13:53,418
Maybe we should talk.
332
00:13:53,538 --> 00:13:54,979
I would hate to be mad at each other
333
00:13:55,023 --> 00:13:57,324
when absolutely nothing happens.
334
00:13:57,359 --> 00:13:58,526
That's funny, Jimmy.
335
00:13:58,577 --> 00:14:00,494
You're a regular Tosh period zero.
336
00:14:00,529 --> 00:14:01,696
Three...
337
00:14:01,747 --> 00:14:03,247
two...
338
00:14:03,281 --> 00:14:04,615
one.
339
00:14:06,451 --> 00:14:08,436
Good night.
340
00:14:10,188 --> 00:14:12,540
No one said it would happen exactly at midnight.
341
00:14:12,574 --> 00:14:15,126
We got 24 hours.
342
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:17,678
343
00:14:22,634 --> 00:14:23,684
Morning.
344
00:14:23,719 --> 00:14:26,437
Ah, another beautiful day, huh?
345
00:14:26,471 --> 00:14:29,473
Guess the Grim Reaper
must've hit the snooze button.
346
00:14:29,508 --> 00:14:31,675
Shut up.
347
00:14:31,693 --> 00:14:32,977
Hey, baby!
348
00:14:34,529 --> 00:14:36,697
I tried your pee water thingy.
349
00:14:38,366 --> 00:14:41,736
It kind of works.
350
00:14:41,787 --> 00:14:42,903
Smart purchase.
351
00:14:54,916 --> 00:14:57,334
Oh, hi, Mr. and Mrs. Gutierrez.
352
00:14:59,671 --> 00:15:01,371
This is not to you.
353
00:15:01,389 --> 00:15:02,807
Not for you.
354
00:15:07,095 --> 00:15:09,764
Kim Kardashian hasn't tweeted all day.
355
00:15:09,815 --> 00:15:12,549
The government obviously has
all the important celebrities
356
00:15:12,567 --> 00:15:14,551
hidden in an underground bunker.
357
00:15:16,371 --> 00:15:18,072
Oh, wait, never mind.
358
00:15:18,106 --> 00:15:20,091
She was just getting a colonic.
359
00:15:28,283 --> 00:15:30,251
Thanks.
360
00:15:45,083 --> 00:15:46,267
Mom! Mom, Mom, Mom!
361
00:15:46,301 --> 00:15:48,018
Mom!
362
00:15:48,053 --> 00:15:50,137
Everything's fine.
363
00:15:51,189 --> 00:15:52,189
Ah!
364
00:16:00,198 --> 00:16:02,783
Guys. Guys! Guys!
365
00:16:05,704 --> 00:16:07,404
Hey!
366
00:16:07,438 --> 00:16:10,574
Those marshmallows are not toys, okay?
367
00:16:10,608 --> 00:16:13,210
They're only to be used as possum bait
368
00:16:13,245 --> 00:16:15,379
or for celebrating the victory
of the surviving humans
369
00:16:15,413 --> 00:16:17,731
over the mutant aliens with s'mores, okay?
370
00:16:17,766 --> 00:16:19,250
Damn it!
371
00:16:24,756 --> 00:16:26,140
Hey.
372
00:16:26,174 --> 00:16:28,092
So, nothing happened.
373
00:16:28,126 --> 00:16:29,727
It's not the end of the world.
374
00:16:31,096 --> 00:16:32,479
I can't believe this.
This totally sucks.
375
00:16:32,514 --> 00:16:36,934
Look, I know you planned for
this to happen and everything,
376
00:16:36,968 --> 00:16:38,936
but aren't you the tiniest bit glad
377
00:16:38,970 --> 00:16:40,154
the world isn't over?
378
00:16:40,188 --> 00:16:41,355
No, I'm not.
379
00:16:41,406 --> 00:16:44,859
This was supposed to be my moment, Burt.
380
00:16:44,910 --> 00:16:46,694
I was finally going to show Jimmy
381
00:16:46,745 --> 00:16:48,245
that I could be a good mom.
382
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:49,697
Jimmy thinks you're a good mom.
383
00:16:49,748 --> 00:16:51,165
Oh, please.
384
00:16:51,199 --> 00:16:52,666
Every week he dredges up
385
00:16:52,701 --> 00:16:55,119
some parenting disaster from our past.
386
00:16:55,153 --> 00:16:56,871
How I didn't breastfeed him,
387
00:16:56,922 --> 00:16:59,373
how his first steps were
down a flight of stairs,
388
00:16:59,424 --> 00:17:02,009
how we forget him that time
at a Whitesnake concert.
389
00:17:02,043 --> 00:17:03,043
Oh, come on.
390
00:17:03,094 --> 00:17:04,345
What nine-year-old gets to say
391
00:17:04,379 --> 00:17:06,683
they spent a week on the Whitesnake tour bus?
392
00:17:06,944 --> 00:17:09,717
I just thought that he would
look at me as a good mom,
393
00:17:09,768 --> 00:17:12,770
if three-quarters of the human
population was wiped out
394
00:17:12,804 --> 00:17:14,605
and I was prepared.
395
00:17:22,564 --> 00:17:23,981
Just for the record,
396
00:17:24,015 --> 00:17:26,408
her pelvis was broken before I got here.
397
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:38,803
Oh...
398
00:17:38,821 --> 00:17:41,156
You got me dryer sheets.
399
00:17:41,190 --> 00:17:42,357
Get used to it.
400
00:17:42,392 --> 00:17:44,743
You're getting them for the next 374 years.
401
00:17:50,666 --> 00:17:52,534
Ai, thank God you're here.
402
00:17:52,585 --> 00:17:54,971
Oh, my God.
What happened to you?
403
00:17:55,091 --> 00:17:57,839
Since the world was going to
end, we sold everything
404
00:17:57,874 --> 00:17:59,925
and bought one-way first class
tickets to Disney World,
405
00:17:59,959 --> 00:18:03,178
so we could watch the end of
civilization from Tomorrowland.
406
00:18:03,212 --> 00:18:05,013
We thought it would be ironic.
407
00:18:05,047 --> 00:18:06,664
But then, when nothing happened,
408
00:18:06,682 --> 00:18:09,334
we had no money, and no way to get back.
409
00:18:09,352 --> 00:18:10,835
It's hard to get picked up hitchhiking
410
00:18:10,853 --> 00:18:12,020
with an alpaca.
411
00:18:14,107 --> 00:18:15,507
What was that?
412
00:18:15,525 --> 00:18:17,726
He tried to spit at you, but he's dehydrated.
413
00:18:18,561 --> 00:18:19,945
What are we going to do?
414
00:18:19,979 --> 00:18:21,196
Carlos sold his ice cream truck,
415
00:18:21,230 --> 00:18:22,680
I quit my job, we spent all our money,
416
00:18:22,698 --> 00:18:25,016
and all we have to show for it
is feet full of blisters
417
00:18:25,034 --> 00:18:28,537
and a souvenir mug we've been using as a toilet.
418
00:18:28,571 --> 00:18:29,871
Jimmy, go get
your first-aid kit.
419
00:18:29,906 --> 00:18:31,039
I'll get you guys some water.
420
00:18:31,073 --> 00:18:33,625
Burt, calm her down.
421
00:18:33,659 --> 00:18:36,461
You are gonna be okay.
422
00:18:36,496 --> 00:18:39,864
You're worried that you won't
come back from this?
423
00:18:39,882 --> 00:18:42,334
I'm here to assure you
424
00:18:42,368 --> 00:18:45,036
that dog don't hunt!
425
00:18:45,071 --> 00:18:47,088
What is he talking about?
426
00:18:47,140 --> 00:18:49,090
I don't know.
427
00:18:49,142 --> 00:18:51,643
But it's very folksy and comforting.
428
00:18:52,979 --> 00:18:55,313
Without even really thinking about it
429
00:18:55,348 --> 00:18:57,349
we all sprang into action.
430
00:19:02,305 --> 00:19:05,323
Dad found someone who didn'tmind using recycled water.
431
00:19:09,445 --> 00:19:11,413
Why are you recycling his pee?
432
00:19:11,447 --> 00:19:13,248
You could just give him water from the tap.
433
00:19:13,282 --> 00:19:14,749
We're settling an old score.
434
00:19:14,784 --> 00:19:16,401
Isn't that right, buddy?
435
00:19:18,704 --> 00:19:20,205
Damn it.
436
00:19:20,239 --> 00:19:22,674
Wacky Mexican pony, two;
Burt, zero.
437
00:19:23,125 --> 00:19:24,125
Oh!
438
00:19:29,348 --> 00:19:31,516
With so many people in the house,
439
00:19:31,551 --> 00:19:32,968
we had to figure out creative ways
440
00:19:33,019 --> 00:19:34,186
to be able to afford to feed everyone.
441
00:19:34,220 --> 00:19:36,271
I hope everybody enjoys this.
442
00:19:36,305 --> 00:19:37,906
It's glowworm tetrazzini.
443
00:19:37,940 --> 00:19:39,224
And if I cooked it right,
444
00:19:39,258 --> 00:19:40,525
there should still be a little glow left.
445
00:19:41,260 --> 00:19:43,261
Ooh...
446
00:19:44,897 --> 00:19:46,364
We let Rosa and her family
447
00:19:46,399 --> 00:19:48,766
move into the survival bunkerwe weren't using
448
00:19:48,784 --> 00:19:50,785
until they were back on their feet.
449
00:19:53,656 --> 00:19:55,790
It took a while,but Mom sold all the stuff
450
00:19:55,825 --> 00:19:57,542
she'd been stockpiling,and used the money
451
00:19:57,577 --> 00:19:59,578
to help Carlos buy backhis ice cream truck.
452
00:20:01,964 --> 00:20:03,615
And before we knew it,
453
00:20:03,633 --> 00:20:05,500
Rosa's family was back in business.
454
00:20:05,551 --> 00:20:07,385
It turns out Mom didhave us all prepared
455
00:20:07,420 --> 00:20:08,970
to deal with a disaster.
456
00:20:09,005 --> 00:20:12,724
The disaster just turned outto be someone else's.
457
00:20:12,758 --> 00:20:14,309
I gotta say, Mom...
458
00:20:14,343 --> 00:20:16,478
maybe you're not as crazy as I thought.
459
00:20:16,512 --> 00:20:18,630
Why, 'cause Rosa's crazier?
460
00:20:18,648 --> 00:20:20,515
The world still didn't end, Jimmy.
461
00:20:20,566 --> 00:20:22,400
I'm not gonna start patting myself on the back
462
00:20:22,435 --> 00:20:24,319
'cause Rosa's a bigger idiot than I am.
463
00:20:24,353 --> 00:20:25,904
Sure, the world didn't end,
464
00:20:25,938 --> 00:20:27,822
but when you thought it was going to,
465
00:20:27,857 --> 00:20:30,141
you didn't blow everything
to have fun, like Rosa did.
466
00:20:30,159 --> 00:20:32,494
You made sure your family was protected.
467
00:20:32,528 --> 00:20:34,829
That's pretty cool.
468
00:20:34,864 --> 00:20:36,698
That is pretty cool.
469
00:20:37,750 --> 00:20:39,167
Hey, where's Maw Maw?
470
00:20:39,201 --> 00:20:40,368
I don't know.
471
00:20:40,419 --> 00:20:42,987
She said she had something to do.
472
00:20:44,712 --> 00:20:46,879
If you ever voted for a president
473
00:20:46,881 --> 00:20:49,332
whose picture's on money,
474
00:20:49,334 --> 00:20:51,167
you might be an old person.
475
00:20:51,169 --> 00:20:55,004
If the expiration date on your can of peaches
476
00:20:55,006 --> 00:20:58,107
has Roman numerals on it?
477
00:20:58,109 --> 00:21:00,293
You might be an old person.
478
00:21:00,295 --> 00:21:03,396
You ever had a three-way
with Lewis and Clark,
479
00:21:03,398 --> 00:21:05,181
might be an old person.
480
00:21:06,534 --> 00:21:08,154
If you throw away your change purse
481
00:21:08,274 --> 00:21:10,495
and start keeping your quarters in your elbow,
482
00:21:11,384 --> 00:21:13,378
you might be an old person.
483
00:21:13,498 --> 00:21:16,368
If you ever bought or sold
484
00:21:16,708 --> 00:21:18,272
a human being...
485
00:21:18,649 --> 00:21:21,494
You might be an old person.
486
00:21:22,171 --> 00:21:24,474
You might be an old person.
487
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:37,075
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