Original subtitles

Goodbye, Brangelina's vacation.

Hello, "Modern Bio Physics."

What are you doing? I wanted to see

if Brad went shirtless while parasailing!

I'm trying to class this joint up.

Hey, guys.

Check me out. What do you think

about this outfit for the employee theft case?

Somebody is stealing hot dogs.

- Too many buns and not enough wieners. - (Squeaks)

Story of my life.

I just said buns and wieners in the same sentence.

- Nothing? - Charles, please.

Let's try to be a little less insouciant in the office.

Oh boy. You're picking your eyebrows,

you're using big words, you didn't laugh when I said wieners.

Your sister's coming to town, isn't she?

(Groans) She called half an hour ago.

She's stopping by.

Ooh, two Hamiltons! Double the pleasure, double the fun.

Don't get your hopes up. Holly's sister is nothing like her.

Oh, it's true.

She's a heart surgeon, a vegan,

and her boobs are real.

Listen to me, don't let her get to you this time.

Okay? I will be right here by your side.

I'll be fine. Really.

You don't get along with your sister?

No, we get along great!

She just doesn't respect me, my life, or any of my choices.

Yeah, last time she visited us on set,

it took Holly three weeks

and two eyebrow pencils to get back on track.

You know what? That was back when I was a silly actress.

Now I am a detective

with a serious job.

And a big eye. Wow.

Okay, well, go ahead and try on this wiener hat

and see if it fits.

Okay, this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

But maybe one selfie, I'm totally taking it off.

(Clicks)

(Theme music playing)

(Squeals)

Synced by YesCool www.addic7ed.com

Corrected by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com

Leave it!

I wasn't doing anything.

(Sobs) I'm okay.

What's wrong?

Late last night, my parents were abducted from their home.

- What? - Really?

- No, I'm acting! (Laughs) - Oh!

I signed up for classes with the Doofballz.

It's the improv class.

Since when do you want to be an actor?

Hello! Since George Clooney stopped me on the street

and said I had something special.

(Gasps) Seriously?

No, I'm acting again!

Oh my God, he's so good!

It's so fun!

It's like lying.

Look busy, people. Steph is always punctual.

She's gonna be here in six, five, four...

Sorry I'm early.

Crap. Steph-ascope!

Hollypop.

That was so nice.

Uh, you remember Charlie,

from that one time in eight seasons

that you visited me on the set of "Mystery Girls"?

Oh yes, that's right.

The Actress-Turned-Housewife-Turned-Detective.

What's next, clown college? (Laughs)

I'm kidding, of course.

Clown college is actually very difficult to get into.

Such a pleasure to see you again, Stephanie.

Now that's acting.

- Impressive. - Mm-hmm.

I'm Nick Diaz. Assistant

and improvisation master. Oh, guess what I'm doing right now?

Uh, desperately trying to win approval from a stranger?

Oh... What do we have here?

Aw, it's our first case.

See this pug? He didn't want to be found.

But you know what? We found him.

They called us heroes.

Wow. What else are you working on?

Uh, we have t-tons of cases.

- Tons, whoo! - Yeah.

Just recently Holly busted a bling ring.

- She speaks the truth. - Recently I held a man's heart

in my hand and massaged it back to life.

- (Phone ringing) - So hats off to us both.

Oh, excuse me. It's the hospital.

I'm waiting on some lab results.

She probably tested positive for bitch.

Yikes! You didn't tell me

- your sister was meaner than Charlie. - I know, right?

Aha.

I really thought being a detective would impress her.

- Who cares what she thinks? - I do.

I wish I didn't, but I do.

- Holly! - Sorry!

But she thinks I'm a joke.

And not all the missing pugs or wieners in L.A.

is going to change that.

(Laughs)

"Wieners." Okay, it's kinda funny, yeah.

- (Chuckles) - See, there's the spirit.

Now what do you say we go lock your sister on the balcony

and go for Sushi?

I'm not even in the mood for Sushi.

Oh my God, we've hit rock bottom.

I'm going to go get the massage table.

Saved another life.

Is that impressive? I don't even know. (Laughs)

Oh well, I should go.

I can see you're busy with nap time.

Oh, she wasn't napping. She was solving a case.

- Like "The Mentalist." - (Phone ringing)

I got it.

Mystery Girls. What?!

- What? - An heiress is missing.

- An heiress has gone missing. - Oh yes.

Oh yes, that's definitely something we can handle.

What, is that impressive? (Chuckles)

I don't even know.

Thank you for meeting on such short notice.

The family would like to keep this matter out of the press,

which is why we've come to you and not the police.

I wish Stephanie was here at this meeting.

She'd be blown away.

You realize we're still in the meeting?

Focus.

Tell us about the heiress.

Elizabeth Aldicott, goes by Lizzy.

That's the last photo she posted to Instagram before she went missing.

This girl needs a lesson in selfies.

Right? She's all chin and nostrils.

Lizzy moved to Los Angeles four months ago,

but her parents haven't heard from her in weeks.

They're concerned that she's become mixed up

- in a tough crowd. - (Quacking)

- Sorry. - Don't worry. We will find your heiress.

I'm practically an heiress myself.

I played Paris Hilton in a TV movie.

I gave great crotch.

Who's up for a little Afternoon Delight?

Nick!

No, it's the name of the new Thai place down the street.

Okay, catch me up on the case.

Give me every sordid detail, assuming, hopefully, there are some.

Well, once we inspected the photo further,

we noticed a shaft of light coming from the skylight.

(Taps)

That, along with the Kaskell's beer tap...

a rare microbrew... in the lower left-hand corner

allowed us to narrow down which bar the photo was taken in.

- (Taps) - Oooh!

Which is why we believe this biker bar,

the Filthy Bird, will lead us directly to Elizabeth Aldicott.

I have goosebumps.

And, like, real ones, not fake ones

I've conjured up with my acting skills.

Take that, Stephanie. Bam!

You're yelling at a chair.

- Oh, right. - Mm-hmm.

I know. Invite her to the bar

and she can see us in action. Double bam!

- Question. - Slight fellow in the blue chair.

Bikers aren't a trusting people.

- How are you going to get them to talk? - Hmm.

- This is true. - Mm-hmm.

Peter Pan has a follow-up.

What about disguises?

Remember "Mystery Girls" episode 111, "Leather and Lies"?

- We did look hot in that episode. - Mm-hmm.

Speaking of hot, why is Bradley Cooper on the board?

Oh, that section... it's my vision board.

He's gonna be my baby daddy.

(Hawks, spits)

What are you doing? We're not in a Western.

Oh no, I just spit on my boot.

Somebody here has to know something.

(Deep voice) How you doin'?

Now you're Joey from "Friends"?

No, I'm doing "Tough Biker Chick."

Lose the voice, okay? Just let the leather do the work.

All right, let's divide and conquer.

I'll take the skinny guy by the bar.

And you take the beer belly over there at the pool table.

Hey... no more spitting.

Hey, tough guy, you seen this girl around?

Right now all I see is boobs.

How 'bout now?

Yeah, I've seen her. What do you care?

You guys lovers?

No.

I like guys with sloppy guts

who know their way around a pool table.

- All right, well, I'll tell you what. - Mm-hmm.

You put that Seven in the corner pocket,

- I'll tell you what you want to know. - Deal.

How's it hangin'?

(Phone ringing)

Hello?

Uh, yea... Uh, yeah.

I put the lasagna in the fridge.

I told you. Yes, I did.

Yes, I did.

Yes, I did!

Okay. Uh...

Don't call me again or I'll murder your mother.

Uh... (Whispers) I'm just kidding. I love you.

Hey, can I get a beer?

A light one?

Don't want to tip over my hog.

Thanks.

You ever seen this girl?

I see lots of girls. You're a girl.

I see you. See what I mean?

(Quacks)

(Mutters)

Wait, what was that? What was that sound?

I-I... I didn't hear nothing.

- You didn't hear that sound? - Nope.

- You're Mr. Strand! - Mr. who?

I'm-I'm... I'm a biker who loves the open road

and nudie bars and...

Okay, please don't tell Nick.

I told him I don't have the range to play two characters,

but he was all like, "You gotta expand your craft!"

What does Nick have to do with this?

I'm in his improv troupe, the Doofballz.

He set this whole thing up.

Oh, I am calling him right now.

(Phone ringing)

- Nick. - Name's Cobra,

but you can call me whatever you want, pretty lady.

Ow! That's attached. That's attached.

What the hell is going on here?

Okay okay. There is no Elizabeth Aldicott. I made it all up.

The photo is of my friend Kayla. But I only did it

because Holly was feeling so down about her sister.

Okay, so, uh,

am I to believe that all of these "Bikers" are in your improv troupe?

Yup. See that guy Holly's playing pool with?

Mm-hmm.

His name is Gerald and he owns a candle shop.

Really?

Look, any minute now Stephanie's stopping by,

just in time to see you rough up a huge guy with tattoos.

He'll come clean, tell you where the heiress is.

You two will high five and it'll be mystery solved!

Why don't you work this hard at work?

Lemme think about that while I go pee.

Did you get any info from the biker with the cute butt?

I hate to break this to you,

but that butt belongs to Nick.

- Our Nick? - Mm-hmm.

He set all of this up. All of these bikers

are his improv buddies.

- There's no heiress?! - No.

Stephanie's on her way.

I'm gonna look like an idiot when she finds out this is all fake.

Well, not if we keep playing Nick's game.

Just keep going. Pretend like we're on "Mystery Girls," okay?

- Okay. - Could this neighborhood be worse?

I just saw a dog pull a knife on another dog.

Yeah, well, it's worth it.

We are this close to finding the missing heiress.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, why don't you go sit back and watch your big sis at work.

Just keep it down, blondie.

Ah, right on cue.

Okay, this is another one of Nick's friends.

- We just have to mess him up, okay? - Oh, okay.

Hey... hey!

Where do you think you're going, dirtbag?

- What did you call me? - Hey!

- Where is Elizabeth Aldicott? - Who?

Don't play dumb just 'cause you look dumb.

- You know you took her. - Time to start talkin'.

Yeah, or else we're gonna get rough!

- Ow! - Oh, oh my God.

- What the hell? - That's how we roll.

Way to commit to the fall.

I'm gonna tell Nick you did a real good job, okay?

- Who the hell is Nick? - I'm Nick.

- Who are you? - He's one of your Doofballz.

I've never seen this guy before in my life.

(Unison) Uh-oh.

- (Roars) - (Screams)

- Bye. - (Grunts)

You're not going anywhere.

Okay, I am very sorry about that

whole pushing-you- on-the-floor thing.

Is there anything we can do to make it up to you?

Maybe some Fro-yo?

I got a better idea.

I have to do a deal and I need back-up,

- so you're it. - What happened to your normal back-up?

They got killed during last week's deal.

Um, when you say "Deal," do you mean drug deal?

And when you say "Killed," do you mean dead?

Bingo.

- And when you say bingo... - Shut up!

Here's the thing, we're anti-drugs.

We did a public service announcement in the '90s.

Yeah, Daryl Hannah was dressed as a giant marijuana cigarette

and we pushed her off the roof.

In hindsight, it really doesn't make any sense. But it doesn't matter.

I don't give a crap

how you feel about drugs. Time to go.

I'm sorry, I'm terrified.

Would it be okay if I sat this one out?

Excuse me. (Clears throat)

- What? (Mutters) No! - (Holly yelps)

Whoa!

You feel like seeing this one again, you'll follow me.

Wait, you can't take Nick,

- he's the only one that gets my lattes right! - Help!

Help!

(Groans) Fine!

(Shrieks)

The plan is to meet the guys down by the river.

Nothing good ever happens down by the river.

No.

You know, none of this would have happened

if you had just taken me seriously.

Well, you put our lives in jeopardy. That's pretty serious.

- Job well done. - Okay, guys!

- Can you stop bickering, please? - I am not bickering.

- She's bickering. - It takes two people to bicker.

You don't even know what bicker means.

I can't take it anymore. Okay, Nick, switch spots with me.

I don't want to.

I didn't ask if you wanted to, Rico Suave, move!

- Move your butt. - I need the window seat. I get carsick.

- Okay, fine. Here, move. - You do know it's illegal

- to drive without seat belts. - I don't think he cares about what's legal.

- Oh, now I'm getting carsick. - No, you're not, you drama queen!

You just used to do the same thing when we were kids.

"I'm carsick, Daddy. Buy me a nose job."

Then he threw in boobs, so I guess he loved me more.

You know, I don't get along with my sister either.

She thinks I'm a failure.

- Why, because you're a criminal? - No!

Because I'm not a better criminal.

She's the head of our gang and she keeps threatening to kick me out.

Oh, that must put a lot of pressure on you.

Well, my court-appointed therapist says

she's just projecting her own insecurities, but it still hurts.

Well, I'm no expert, but you seem like a pretty great criminal to me.

Oh yeah. I'd give this kidnapping five stars on Yelp.

Thanks!

- That means a lot. - Well, great.

Now that we're all friends, any chance you'd let us go?

Hell no!

Haven't you been listening?

I'm trying to do better at my job.

This is my job!

You seem a little tense. Have you ever considered getting a cardiac evaluation.

(Unison) We get it! You're a doctor!

Now they should be here any time with the money.

Nobody better try nothin'

or J.Crew's gonna end up in the river.

I'm pretty sure she's wearing Ralph Lauren,

but we can agree to disagree.

You. Blondie.

- Me? - Me?

- You? - Her?

- You? - What?

- Which blondie? - The talky one with the mean sister.

Hey!

Grab my duffle bag out of the trunk.

- Pretty sure I didn't hear please. - You'd better...

Going.

Wow, you've got a lot of junk in your trunk.

- (Laughs) - Aw, Nick got it.

Thanks, Nick.

I can't believe these jerks are late.

Yeah, what kind of world do we live in

when you can't trust a drug dealer?

I got your bag of drugs here.

Crap. I ain't got no bars.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah. That I'm going to kill you if he doesn't?

No, fool.

From our episode, remember?

"Dial 'M' for Kidnap"?

It is really a beautiful night out here.

- Yes, the air is so clean. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, maybe I should send Demi to summer camp out here.

You are brilliant. You must follow up on that.

(Groans) I have got to get off my sister's plan.

- Now! - (Yelps)

- What the...? Hey hey, ow! - Shh!

- Wow. - Okay okay.

(Unison) Mystery solved!

That was just like our P.S.A.:

"Don't go tripping on drugs."

Yeah. And your sister is right.

- You're a crappy criminal. - Oh.

I'm sorry I got you into this whole thing.

I'm sorry I didn't believe in you. I do now.

And I'm sorry for making up that whole missing heiress thing.

Wait, what?

Uh, come on! Here, you got it?

- Let's get going. - Yeah.

Oh, what are we gonna do about that guy?

Uh, we'll strap him to the hood like a deer.

- Oh! - No no no no!

- I got his feet. - That's embarrassing!

- Come on! - Pull!

Here you go.

- Did your sister make it home okay? - Yep.

We stopped by the Filthy Bird to buy a t-shirt.

She wanted a souvenir of her kidnapping.

(Snickers) It only took a near-death experience

to bring you two closer.

- (Door opens) - (Groans) I've been hit!

- (Gasps) - By what? A missile?

By a real housewife!

Lisa Vanderpump ran me over on the corner

of Wilshire and Camden. (Gasps)

Oh my God?! Are you okay?

Do I look okay?

Come on, you're not falling for this.

- He's acting! - (Moans) God!

(Sobs)

That is the most ridiculous fake moan I have ever heard.

- (Scoffs) - Holly: No, it's not.

And I know a fake moan when I hear one.

I do them all the time.

I think I may have torn a knee ligament.

- What's that main one called? - The A.C.L.?

- The N.F.L.? - No, it's called...

Uh, wait, it's called...

- acting! - (Squeals)

- Bravo! - You're getting it.

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