Original subtitles

You know them as Denise Parks and Veronica Grant,

television's "Mystery Girls."

Well, now years after the show ended,

Holly Hamilton and Charlie Contour are back.

This time as real life detectives.

And, ladies, thanks so much for sitting down with "E.T."

It's our pleasure.

Uh, it's okay to look this way.

You can look towards the camera.

Mm-mm. No.

What are you doing?

This is my good side.

I thought your left side was your good side.

It was, but now my right's my good side.

Your good sides don't change.

- Mine did. - When?

March, 2008.

So, you went a long time without speaking.

What finally brought you two back together?

Well, it was actually our current assistant Nick.

Oh, he should join us.

- No, that's okay. - Nick.

I'd love to!

Thank you for having me, Nancy.

Of course.

What are you doing now?

My right side is also my good side.

Okay, you two are obviously insane,

so I will handle this.

It all started a couple of months ago,

in the suburbs.

- (Theme music playing) - Hey, "Mystery Girls" rerun.

Both: Mystery solved.

Honey, turn that off.

I don't like to watch my boobs jiggle in slow motion.

No, I can't.

You look so hot I'm physically incapable

of changing the channel.

I can't believe you used to be cool.

Hey, I'm still cool.

I listen to Miley while I clean the oven.

What's that other lady up to these days?

I told you, I don't like to talk about her

because she is completely whackadoo.

Although I wish her well

and I'm sure she is doing great.

(Theme music playing)

I used to be famous!

(Weeping)

(Theme music playing)

Oh, my God, is that Holly Hamilton,

star of "Mystery Girls"... biggest show of the '90s?

March, 1995.

Holly, you have been reading the same magazine for years.

Let it go!

You let it go! Let my "people" go.

Mom, we can't keep giving the best table in the house

to someone who was on "Celebrity Beekeeper."

Excuse me, someone who won "Celebrity Beekeeper."

Oh, God, that's even worse.

You can have your precious table anyway.

I gotta get going. LAPD called,

they asked me to come down to the station.

- Why? - Wouldn't say.

Probably need me to solve a mystery for 'em.

Um, you realize you weren't a real detective, right?

Over 150 episodes of solving mysteries,

I might as well have been.

Hey hey hey hey hey!

Oh!

Where do you think you're going?

Go sit back down with the rest of the hookers.

I am a famous person.

I'm here to see a Detective Duane Freeman.

Oh. (Chuckles)

He's over there.

(Clears throat)

Guys, one of your hookers got loose.

I am not a hooker.

Although I did play one in the lifetime original movie

"I am a hooker."

I'm Holly Hamilton.

Oh, right, sorry. Please, sit.

(Quietly) Oh, thanks.

Is this because I keyed Reese Witherspoon's car last week?

No, but we should probably...

Good, never mind. You were saying?

Well, I know this is gonna sound a little crazy.

We actually need your help with a case.

(Gasps) I knew it!

I'm gonna need all your files on this case.

Any evidence... blood, fiber, semen...

lay it on me.

Well, not on me.

But next to me, here on the desk.

Away from my face and hair if you can.

I think you're confused.

Impossible, but go on.

A big time mafia boss was killed

in the Hollywood hills yesterday.

I'm confused.

We have one witness, but he refuses to talk to us.

I threatened to put him in jail, he didn't care.

Said he'd only give his statement to the Mystery Girls.

Ooh, well, where is this human with impeccable taste?

- (Shrieks) - (Guns cock)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Mystery Girl, Denise Parks...

I love you.

(Gasps)

(Sighs)

I didn't realize I had such young fans.

Were you even alive when "Mystery Girls" was on?

No.

But I found the DVDs in a dumpster behind a gay bar

when I was 14 and I've been obsessed ever since.

(Gasps, mutters)

Wow.

Your 14 and my 14 were really different.

She's here. Start talking.

That's right. Start talking.

Can I have a gun for this?

You can't even have a pen.

Um, the deal was for both Mystery Girls.

(Scoffs) Yeah, right.

Well, I hate to burst your rainbow bubble,

but Charlie's lived in the suburbs for years.

Good luck getting her fat ass here.

- (Shrieks) - (Guns cock)

The fat ass is here.

Let her in, boys.

I see you're still using more makeup than a geisha.

I see that maternity jeans

aren't just for pregnant women anymore.

Oh, my God.

The Mystery Girls, together again.

It's like my own private episode before my very eyes.

Who is this and why is he louder than his outfit?

Nick Diaz, I'm your biggest fan.

Oh.

Why is she here?

Official police business.

That's all I can say at the moment.

I asked you both down here because Mr. Diaz

witnessed a crime yesterday.

Said he'd only give his statement to the Mystery Girls.

Good, I'm glad we're all living in reality.

Let's hear it.

(Inhales deeply)

Okay, so I just moved to Los Angeles last week,

and I was like,

"hmm, I obviously need to go on a star tour

because I'm from Ohio and it's not like I'm gonna see Lady Gaga

at a Denny's in Toledo."

Or any Denny's.

Right? So, I'm on the bus,

we all stop to take pictures with Katy Perry's mailbox

when I really had to go pee.

Oh, those are long tours.

Probably why they don't have time to drive by my house.

Oh! Oh.

I have a husband, a kid and three episodes

of "Toddlers and Tiaras" on my DVR,

get to the point.

Right, so... so I start peeing,

then I see one guy shoot another guy in the head.

- What? - I know, right?

I've always thought, "wouldn't it be amazing to witness a murder?"

Then I could give my statement to the Mystery Girls.

How lucky am I?!

So lucky.

Right?

What did he look like?

Uh, I didn't see his face,

but he had on a trench coat and a fedora, though.

Oh, great. So we're looking for McGruff, the crime dog.

Nick, honey, did you notice anything about this trench coat?

Um, I noticed everything about the trench coat.

It was cotton twill, classic double-breasted, with epaulettes

and adjustable belted wrists.

Looks like a Prada sport trench from this year's collection.

- Yes, that's it. - That's it.

Retails for $1,700.

Call around to some high-end stores...

Neimans, Barneys... you might find your man.

You know, he could have bought it on the Internet.

Oh, the Internet!

Last time we solved a case,

the Internet hadn't been invented yet.

Are we done here?

Yeah, I think I have enough to go on.

Thanks for doing this, ladies.

Not ladies, girls.

Mystery Girls.

- Wait, is that it? - Uh, yeah.

Oh, no, no, no. Come have a drink with me at plush.

(Chuckles) Last time we were there, you threw a drink

at Alyssa Milano's head.

Exactly, wasn't that fun? Come on.

I thought this would be funner.

More fun? Funner?

Which is it?

Not fun.

Look over here for a second.

- Selfie! - No... I...

Oh, this is gonna get so much action on Twitter.

Hashtag, "Mystery Girls Reunion."

The "Mystery Girls" ship has sailed.

Aren't you busy enough?

What happened to your, uh, bra line on QVC?

You know what happened.

They were defective.

I had to pay for 2,000 nipple reconstructions.

Including my own.

So excuse me if I long for the days of "the Mystery Girls."

Well, excuse me if I don't.

Did you notice how amazing we were at questioning Nick?

We should be Mystery Girls again.

They're not gonna bring back the show, Holly.

No, Real Mystery Girls.

"Real Mystery Girls"?

I'll see you in another 14 years.

This is our destiny!

The journey ends here. All roads have led to this.

Stop talking like we're in "Lord of the Rings."

You owe me.

You left the show to have, like, 80 kids

and ruined everything.

I ruined everything?

You said you were leaving to do a movie.

Well, I didn't know Shannen Doherty was gonna steal that role from me.

Right, like you could have played a better Mother Teresa.

We are opening a detective agency,

we are calling it Mystery Girls,

- done. - Do it by yourself.

(Gasps)

Okay, that is a slight overreaction.

It's the guy. Over there.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

What? Look, would you calm down?

I'm sure that's not him.

No, not that.

Our selfie already has 500 retweets.

Okay, I will go over,

pretend to be his waitress, ask him some questions,

do a little investigating.

Then will you get off my back?

Oh, my God. We are totes living in "Mystery Girls."

Don't say "totes."

In fact, don't do anything. Just stand over there.

I'm just gonna hide behind this plant.

I thought you were gonna stand behind the plant.

I am.

Hi, can I start you off with something?

Red wine. Anything from California.

California, that's where the murder happened.

What?

We have some lovely specials.

Ask about the jacket.

Great jacket. Gucci?

Prada.

Mystery...

solved!

You carry around handcuffs?

Duh, of course I do.

- Hey hey. - Whoo!

(Man grunts)

Who are you guys?

We're...

The Mystery Girls.

No, we're not.

Oh, clothing, diamond necklaces,

wait, all the tags and alarms are on.

Oh, no.

Dammit! He's just a shoplifter.

Ooh, although shoplifters can be murderers,

right?

Ah, I think I pulled a hamstring.

I'm from TMZ.

This is great.

Mystery solved!

(In between teeth) Smile.

Do we get a reward?

Well, we're not in the old west, so no.

Thanks for your statements, ladies.

I think I have it all.

Can I have my handcuffs back?

Sorry, these are evidence.

And I might have a date tonight.

Jeez, who's the thief now?

I heard that.

That's why I said it.

So when are we opening Mystery Girls?

Uh, never.

We just wrongly accused a guy of murder

and assaulted him.

We're just rusty.

Rusty? We were never real detectives.

But we were a real team.

Forget about who's responsible for the show ending.

It was probably you, but...

I miss being friends. Don't you miss being friends?

Yes, but then I look at this whole thing,

and it just looks like a desperate bid for attention.

Like how you used to do our chase scenes braless.

(Gasps) You know I can't run in a bra.

I chafe.

That's right, Holly. It's always about you.

I never mattered.

Well, why should you when you always quit?

- I'm going home. - Fine.

Go back to boring town.

It's Borington.

Dad, come on, you driving me to school or what?

Hey.

Sit down with your mom and your dad

and have some breakfast.

You know, like they do in the commercials.

Yeah, since when are you in such a rush to get to school?

Um, since everyone can't stop talking

about what a badass you are.

Really?

I'm like the most popular kid in school.

Except Sarah Kay, she was on "Teen Mom."

Well, okay, I'm off.

- Ok, babe. Bye. - Bye. Hey...

Do you still have that box of headshots in the closet?

Yeah.

Would you sign a couple for me?

The guys at work want some.

(Phone ringing)

Mystery Girl.

Oh, hi, Neesa.

No, I thought it was a client.

It's been two weeks and no one calls here

except people looking for phone sex.

I don't know, I feel like the flyers I hung up

couldn't have been more clear.

"Mystery Girl, give me anything hard and I'll handle it."

Ooh, a visitor? Be right down.

(Phone ringing)

Mystery Girl.

No, I don't need a spanking!

(Growls) Why?!

Nope.

Holly Hamilton.

You come back here right now.

Sit.

- Speak. - Stop giving me dog commands.

You two had something special once.

Work it out.

I saw online that you opened up a Mystery Girls office upstairs.

- Girl. - What?

It's Mystery Girl

because there's only one girl.

So what are you doing here?

I was craving frozen yogurt

from that place down the block.

Oh, my God, that place is so good.

They totally lie about the calories,

but who cares, right?

Obviously not me.

(Both giggling)

(Clears throat)

Hmm...

Well, good yogurt talk.

Guess you should get going.

Okay, I'm gonna get going.

Okay.

You're a terrible liar.

What?

Just admit why you're here.

Okay, look...

ever since we caught that shoplifter,

I feel like my old self again,

like when we used to do the show together.

And I didn't realize how much I missed it,

but I want to do this.

What about your family?

Are you kidding? Ever since that photo of us went viral,

they think I'm the coolest mom in the world.

Come on, let's do this!

Okay okay, let's give it a shot.

Get off my back, woman.

So what has been your business plan so far?

Be hot, solve mysteries.

Oh, okay, uh, well, that's a great plan,

but I was thinking we should start with hiring an assistant.

So I took out an ad on Craigslist

and we have a bunch of interviews in an hour, upstairs.

- What? - Well...

You want frozen yogurt, don't you?

(Whining) Yeah.

(Elevator dings)

(Gasps)

Oh, my God.

People still love us.

Let us just get settled

and we'll be right with you, okay?

Oh, if you have anything you want autographed,

please have it out when you walk in.

Wow, this place is incredible.

How do you afford a space like this?

Oh, remember the diamond necklaces

that were in the shoplifter's bag?

Yes.

I took 'em.

What?

Just kidding.

Except I'm not. I'm serious.

Or am I? Unclear.

Let's just drop it.

Okay.

Um, I'm gonna start some of the interviews.

Yes, I will see them now.

There's nobody out there.

No, why would they all go away?

Because I told them the job had already been filled.

(Gasps)

Oh, God, no.

Ooh, a chaise.

Is this where my desk is?

No, your desk is on the other side of the balcony.

Jump over, see how you like it.

Oh, come on. I'm fine with it.

He knows every one of our episodes by heart.

He's practically a third Mystery Girl.

- And he thinks we're fabulous. - This is fabulous.

No, we have to conduct a proper interview.

(Giggling) Okay, wait, um...

Which of my season three outfits was your second favorite?

Okay, guys guys, enough.

I would like to ask some real questions, okay?

Um, do you have experience manning phones?

Hello, Nick speaking.

My turn.

- Favorite Sushi roll? - Wait, no no no.

I'm not done yet.

Have you ever been fired from any jobs?

- Yeah, tons. Spicy salmon. - Yes!

I will not approve this hire.

Oh, come on.

Please...?

I was gonna go back to Ohio after the murder,

but then I met you guys

and everything was so exciting

and thrilling and electrifying

and titillating...

We get it.

And I realized,

why run back home

when I can help the Mystery Girls

clean up this city?

Approved.

Ah, thanks!

(Phone ringing)

Ooh, my first call.

(In deep voice) Hello, Mystery Girls.

(Normal voice) Yes, I'd love a spanking.

I reserve the right to fire him.

Or murder him.

No! You can't.

We like the same Sushi roll. It's meant to be.

I just don't see how he's ever going to become a valued member of this team.

Got our first case.

(Blows)

I thought that was somebody looking for phone sex.

Yeah, it was.

Then I asked him if he was calling because he was lonely,

and it turns out someone stole his dog,

a prized show pug, which I said we'd find for...

$3,000!

Oh! Ah!

Thanks, Nick.

Oh, you truly are

a valued member of this team.

I know, right?

Too soon.

(Sighs)

Okay, well, now that I'm here

I guess it is time to add an "S" to the sign,

don't you think?

Well, I'm kind of the face of the brand

and people are already used to it just being "Girl"

so we should probably just leave it.

Order an "S."

I will not order an "S."

'Cause I got one right here.

Now's the part where you hang it on the wall.

Oh.

We'll get that fixed.

Holly, call all the nearby shelters, see if any pugs have been turned in.

One sec.

After that, go down to the docks.

Sniff around for any black-market pugs.

What docks?

Just do it.

Okay, I will.

Wait, can you just give me a hint where these docks are?

Maybe you could find them

if you would stop online shopping for a second.

I can't find the office cocktail shaker.

Do you want a new one or not?

Oh, yeah, I want a cocktail shaker.

Have it overnighted.

Cocktails on the veranda?

Both: Mystery solved.

Ooh, I only made two.

- synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0