Original subtitles

Hello, I'm Deborah Meaden.

I'm usually in Dragons' Den, but today I'm in my own murder mystery.

I've got no idea who has been murdered, who the

suspects are, in fact, what's going to happen to me.

Um... So, wish me luck, I'm off to Successville.

'Welcome to Successville,

'a town full of celebrities.

'Sometimes the famous faces who live here break the law,

'and when they do, I'm here to take them down.

'I'm DI Sleet, homicide - lover, fighter,

'husband to an ex-wife, father to a bunch of weird looking kids

'and seafood enthusiast.

'Mmm, cockles.'

What the hell are you doing?

I was just having a cat wash, sir.

Cat wash? What's a cat wash?

Well, it's just where you haven't had chance to shower

so you get a wet wipe and clean the old nuts and bolts.

You look like shit.

Oh, is that a real rookie out there?

Yes, yes, of course.

Deborah, young lady, quick as you can inside...

and meet DI Sleet.

He'll be... You two can...

Uh-uh-uh-uh, take a seat, Ms Meaden.

HE BANGS DRAWERS Oh, Jesus!

I'm going to take you through a series of ink blots.

- That's a butterfly. - This isn't a butterfly,

this is a guy with no fingers.

- So it's a fingerless guy... - Yeah. - ..with his... No, that's a butterfly.

It's not, it's a guy with no fingers.

Were you there, were you there when this was taken?

When you say that was taken, that's a photograph, is it?

Were you there when the ink blot was done?

That wasn't taken, that's an ink splot.

OK, Meaden, were you there when this was done?

- I wasn't. - I was there.

- I cut his fingers off. This is a guy's palms. - Oh.

- OK? - Yeah.

That's a...that's dancers.

- This is my cousin Alistair's penis and balls. - Oh.

Yeah, we covered it in ink when he was asleep one time,

- we just rubbed it on a bit of card. - Oh.

I don't... No, I'm pretty sure that's not how it works.

I don't...I don't think

when somebody shows you an ink blot you can get it wrong.

- Yes, you can. - It's not a right or wrong. - It's a guessing game.

- No, no, it's not a right or wrong, is it? - Meaden, here we go.

I'm going to throw you into the deep end cos I...

you're such a know all, you know everything better than me.

How do you think you'd deal

if someone tried to jump off a building?

You'd talk them down.

Really? You think you can do that, do you? Yeah?

Let's see how good Deborah Meaden really is.

My name's Jane Horrocks, I'm a local beekeeper, down on my luck.

You've got to talk me down from a big building I'm going to

jump from.

Jane, get off the building now.

I can't go on like this!

- Now! - My bees farm!

How is you jumping off a building going to make your bees...

Cos no-one loves me!

How selfish, your bees love you, don't they?

No-one loves... No, they don't. They don't come to my farm any more.

So you're not a beekeeper?

- I used to be. - You used to be a beekeeper?

I used to... Meaden, don't be clever...

I'm doing it, I'm jumping, I'm going!

What the hell is going on-n-n-n?!

Argh, just a suicide exercise, sir.

Oh, fuck me, let him jump, yes, and let me get on with my day.

- That'll do, pig. - What? - We'll move on.

- It's just a police term, it's a bit of slang. - Oh, really.

- I didn't mean anything by it, it was just... - How we doing? Good?

- Yes, no, great. - Not really. - No?

- No. - Right.

- We haven't really, I haven't learnt anything yet. - No, well

- What do you... - That's not surprising, no-one does with him.

- OK. - He's absolutely useless.

Thanks, Meaden.

I suppose you're here to set us up with a murder, sir?

Afraid not. Erm, there's no homicide.

Well, what the hell are we supposed to do?

If you could, I'd like you to get your arse up to Marsden Grange,

- please. - Lady Gaga's place?

Well, clap, clap, fucking clap, Detective, yes.

Somebody apparently has broken in and cut Lady Gaga's topiary

hedges into giant cocks.

Quick as you can, get up there, and take Tinkerbell with you.

Sorry, did he just call me Tinkerbell?

What's wrong with the name Tinkerbell?

- It's not my name for a start. - What would you want to be called?

- Deborah would be good. - We'll call you Deborah...

- What would you like me to call you? - Sir. - Sir?

- I'll call you sir, you call me Deborah, I'll call you sir. - OK.

- Is it a deal? - Yeah, oh...

Argh! Yes, it's a deal!

Come on, let's go.

I suppose you want me to open the door for you?

- That would be lovely. - Maybe I should clean your shoes too?

Oh, now there's a good idea.

Grrr!

Marsden Grange.

The biggest pile in Successville.

Gaga's butler Jay Z showed us in.

- Hey yo, Lady Gaga, you have guests. - Oh! - Yeah!

Thank you, hello.

Well, I'm sure you know where their coats go by now.

Yeah.

No, that...that is not where the guests' coats go,

we've talked about this, remember?

It's all part of the... we...you... Thank you.

Hello, welcome, please do sit down. Welcome.

Thank you for your hospitality, Miss.

Not at all. Ah, what a pleasure to have guests.

- I'm DI Sleet. - DI Sleet.

- From Murder Squad, Successville. - Wonderful.

This...

is my...

partner.

- (Introduce yourself.) - I'm Deborah, hi.

- Is she speaking? - Sorry, sorry, it's Deborah!

- Deborah? - Deborah.

Beautiful name.

We're here about the giant bush cocks.

Oh, the bush cocks in the garden, what a fiasco it's been.

- We were just saying, me and Deborah... - Yes.

..what a lovely home you have.

Oh, this old thing?

This is only what I live in when I don't know where to live.

(Any chance we could ask her some questions? Do you think?)

(Ah, well, we'll just let it... we'll give it a sec.)

Is she all right?

Er...

Is...

Just as I thought, she's dead.

My money's on that soup.

- Lucky enough, I brought along my poison kit. - Oh.

Meaden, are you OK to take a sample from the...

Have a go...

Deborah Meaden.

Beautiful.

What are you doing?

Is that a good idea?

Er.

Oh, don't, I thought you were going to make my day.

What's that supposed to mean?

No, I'm not, I'm joking. I'm warming to you.

That's very nice of you but, just as I assumed,

there's poison in this.

What we've got here is manchiboo powder.

Make a note of it.

There's only one place you can get this...

the Gallipogi Islands.

The Galapagos Islands?

- Yes. - The Galapagos Islands.

- That's it, the Galapagos Islands. - OK.

What do we have down there?

Well...

we actually have...

- What is that? - Oh, my goodness, we have a last will and testament

- of Lady Gaga. - Bingo.

Read it out.

"I hereby declare that my entire ?5.8 million

"inheritance goes to my niece

"Lady Cheryl Fernandez-Versini".

Very interesting.

Listen, my sweet angel,

it's time these two little piggies

went to the market.

- Two things wrong with that. - What?

"Sweet angel", and "little piggies".

OK, what's your problem being called "sweet angel"? That's affectionate.

It's affectionate and ever so slightly patronising.

Come on, let's go.

You're turning out to be quite a pain in the behind at times, Meaden.

'Bingo! A good old-fashioned murder mystery

'with all the suspects under one roof.

'First up, Gaga's live-in niece,

'Lady Cheryl Veranda-Pernini.'

Wow! You want to see what's coming down the stairs.

- What? - She looks good.

It doesn't matter what she looks like.

Don't make me get up, I've got a massive boner.

DI Sleet, I didn't know you was here.

Well...hello.

Pleasure.

This is...

my new partner, Deborah Meaden.

- Pleasure to meet you. - And you.

Well, so nice to see youse both, would you join us for some tea?

We'd love to.

Ah!

May I start by lowering the tone...

and offering my deepest

apologies about the murder of your

beautiful and luscious auntie?

She was just everything to us, you know what I mean?

She's been so much.

Oh, of course she has, get over here you.

Have a little cry.

(Stop it! Stop it!)

- Oh, Sleet. - It's OK. - Oh, Sleet.

Cry now, cry. That's it.

I know exactly how you feel.

It's been really, really hard and I just, to be honest, I was

so happy when I found out DI Sleet was investigating.

So how do you know each other?

- Well, we met... - We met...

It was such a long time ago.

- Oh, it was, but... - Just one second.

Oh, of course, I'll just look over here.

How do you know these people?

(Listen, Meaden, I have fancied Cheryl for quite some time,

(and I'm actually getting somewhere here...)

She is all over you for a reason.

- What's the reason? Cos she thinks I'm sexy. - No, no.

Sleet, I didn't realise that you was together with Deborah.

Oh, no!

- We are not together. - Oh, I see. - We're not a couple.

I thought cos, like, a lovers' tiff.

Maybe if I was drunk.

Maybe if I was blind.

- No, you've misread that. - Cheryl.

Ah, please, call us Chezza.

- Oh, really? - Aye. - That's nice of you.

Oh, someone's been working out.

Well, I like to pump iron.

Ah, that's all you pump, is it?

- You're cheeky. - Cheryl, have you been on holiday recently?

- Me? - Yeah. - Oh, no, I don't really travel, man,

don't have the time or the money, do you know what I mean?

I mean, I'd love to travel.

People always say, like, if you don't travel it's like living

life like a book that you haven't opened, and I guess it's

like reading the contents of a book but not getting past the first page.

Yeah, heard exactly what you said and I respect that.

What exactly did Cheryl just say?

She said something about travelling.

So, have you seen Lady Gaga's will?

I just want to remember her for the beautiful woman that she was,

I didn't know anything about the will.

Forgive my friend, who's...

Who's the only sensible one in the room.

(Listen, you're talking to her like it's one of your friends.)

You need to get those rosy tinted glasses off your face

and ask her some questions.

She is a murder suspect.

OK, you want me to play tough, let's play tough.

- Read out the will. - All right. Hmm.

- Read it out. - Mmm-hmm.

But don't tell her I told you to do this.

I don't know if anyone's ever told you this,

- but you are simply delicious. - Ah, stop it, man.

"I hereby declare that my entire

"?5.8 million inheritance

"goes to...

- "my niece." - I'm so shocked, I had no idea, I thought

- she was going to leave it all to the butler. - Why the butler?

Well, he was so loyal to her, she loved him, man.

No, it's you who has won the dead woman lottery.

You have come up trumps.

We'd better be going, there's a...

I'm very tired, I'm so sorry, I... It's a really difficult time.

Will you need a hand getting into your bed?

No, she's absolutely fine.

I think I'll be OK. Tonight, I need to be alone.

But maybe tomorrow.

Well, I'll take that as a promise.

- Thank you for all your help in the case. - No...

you've both been absolutely amazing.

- It's a real pleasure to meet ya, Deborah. - That's lovely, thank you.

Thank you, the pleasure was all mine.

- Take care, Sleet. - Oh, you take care.

- Think of me. - Yes, we will.

- Did you want some buns? - Oh, they're for Deborah. - Oh, right.

If I don't feed her every couple of hours, she gets very tetchy.

It was very interesting, wasn't it?

Was it? Exactly what did you learn?

What I learned is this, Meaden. You...

can get very jealous.

As dusk fell, the murderer was still under this very roof.

We had to stay close, very close.

- Well. - Uh, Meaden, please,

would you indulge an old friend?

I'm not sure.

I don't mean anything perverse or naughty,

what I was meaning is,

have I ever told you about the last few

months of my marriage to my wife Helen?

N...no. BRRT!

Was that you, was that you or the bed?

- No, no, it was me! - Was it?

That was... SHE LAUGHS

Was that...that was you? Well, let's keep...

Yeah, well, that's it, that...

Let's leave the covers where they lay just for a little bit.

Let's let that thing work its way out down the bottom of the bed.

Anyway, the story.

Yes, back to the story.

Helen couldn't stand being with me any more.

I don't know why.

You know, I became homeless, I was living on a park bench.

And one day I was taking a shit next to a badger's hole.

This badger, he was

just sitting there, and I was...

I wiped my bum and I pulled up my pants,

and he looked at me and he said,

- IN AMERICAN ACCENT: - "What are you doing with your life?"

- Was he American? - Yeah, he was American.

- American badger. - Yep.

So I pulled up my socks and I went out there

and I got a job in the police,

and every day, I think about that badger.

So I went back to see him about three months back.

Guess what I found.

Some houses.

Someone had built houses on the badger's hole.

I then started really crying and then I smashed

some stuff in their garden and they called the police and I ran away.

Well, erm...

What...

Is that the end?

But, yeah, I mean, the end is, why won't anyone love me?

Are there any other bedrooms in this place?

- No, this is the only one. - But you normally sleep in a car,

are you not more comfortable not sleeping in a bed?

Well, I thought, how often do you get the chance to sleep in a bed?

And then I gave half of the bed to you.

Something I'm slightly regretting now,

since you've been sitting here farting.

No. That wasn't me, though, was it, really?

Yes, well, they who smelt it, dealt it.

- He who denied it, supplied it. - I didn't deny it, you just did.

You just turned me into a seven-year-old!

First of all you smelt it, then you denied it.

These are two bits of evidence that would suggest that you,

Deborah Meaden, were the one who farted...

Hold on a minute, hold on a minute. I am 55 years old.

And you're sitting in bed with a man...

I'm a grown-up and I can choose what I do with my life.

OK, Meaden, shall we try to get some sleep?

- Uh-uh. - Would you like to sing me a lullaby?

No. No, and to be fair, your story was pretty rubbish.

It ended with a dead badger on a housing estate

and you smashing things in other people's gardens.

Oh, well, so be it.

Well, Meaden, let's try and get some sleep.

OK. Have you got a spare pillow?

Oh, for crying out loud.

Just do that.

Thank you.

PHHFFFRRT!

- Oh, Meaden! - That was you!

'After a generous continental breakfast, we met our next suspect,

'Gaga's house guest,

'retired Scoutmaster Boris Johnson.'

Hello, Johnson.

So it's true what they're all saying -

she's dead, isn't she?

No, no, she's fine, she's never been in better health.

Lady Gaga is alive!

Oh, no, not Lady Gaga, she's as dead as disco.

I thought you meant Enid Pickles,

an old friend of mine who works at the Post Office.

An easy mistake to make.

Bloody, bloody, bloody hell!

One moment you think everything's terrific,

then something like this comes along and knocks you for bloody six.

I know, you senile old geezer.

- Oh, this, by the way, is Deborah Meaden. - Hello.

My new sidekick. Or call her Debbie or Debs if that's easier.

Deborah would be lovely, thank you.

What larks!

Did you used to be a Scout, like me?

Oh... Oh, so this is a Scout uniform?

- Yeah. - Ah, OK, I've never been a Scout, because I'm a girl.

- Oh, really? - Mmm.

Oh, oh.

Because I love being a Scout, cos you know, the adventure

and the, you know, the, er...

the, er...the woggle.

- The woggle, of course. - The woggle. The woggle.

All right, that's enough of the Kumbaya shit.

We're here about murder!

Oh, good. I thought the world of her, she was a terrific girl

and I suppose you ought to know,

I was going to ask her to marry me.

Oh, dammit!

This weekend, and I'm sure she would have said yes.

I don't know what to do, you know, with the grief.

If I was you, old friend,

I'd... I don't know, take a shit tonne of drugs,

cocaine, ketamine, might put a smile on your face.

That is the worst piece of advice I've heard for a grieving individual.

Meaden, shut up.

She's a cheeky little boy, isn't she?

Yes, she's a cheeky little fella. Thailand's a good place to go.

- But... - They're open minded. Have you been to Thailand?

Perhaps we could start asking about the murder?

Right, you... Who is running this operation?

- You are teaching me. - Oh, you want to learn?

- I'm looking, you are the detective. - OK, you want to learn. - You just...

Right, Johnson, had you and Gaga had sex before?

- We... Well, imaginary... - Had you had sex before?

- No, just... - Had you had sex before?

- No, we were just touching. - HAD YOU HAD SEX BEFORE?

- Touching outside clothes. - Had you done it? Had you made love?

- Have you had sex? - No. No. - Good.

- Write that - no, they didn't have sex. - No.

Meaden, take him for a walk. Please.

Would you mind giving me a quick push and then...

- Go on, Meaden, you can do it. - There's a good lad.

There's a good lad, just down there, there's a good boy.

Yes, good boy.

Girl.

- Boy. - Girl.

Boy. Stop!

Hey, look what I found in his bag.

Some ham and mustard sandwiches.

There's also some other interesting things. A letter.

- Oh, no, OK, hold on. - What the hell's this, what is this?

That's a monocle.

If it's got a prescription lens in it, it's bound to be...

Hold on a minute, you can't just take his stuff.

Oh, God! Oh, Jesus!

Read the letter, Meaden.

"My dear Colonel, I know you intend to ask for my hand.

"I implore you to resist that urge,

"for you will only be disappointed."

Well, looks like old Lady Gaga is what

we call in the police force a cock tease.

Do you honestly think he's interested in girls?

He doesn't seem to recognise a girl when he sees one.

I tell you what I think we should do.

We should return his items... Seriously, put that back.

OK. Get off me, Meaden!

- I'm serious! - Meaden, get off me.

- They're not yours. - Meaden! - They're not yours.

- Where are they? They're going back. - Meaden!

Are you proud of yourself?

I am proud of myself.

'Like my bum, this case was getting hairy,

'and there were still two suspects to consider.

'The suspicious butler, watching our every move,

'and bedridden aunt Nicki Minaj.'

Look at this, it's some kind of sexy tomb.

Reminds me of my ex-wife.

Dusty, smoky and smelly.

What's this?

Have a look.

She asleep?

I don't know, asleep or dead.

"Get well soon."

OK, see if she's alive.

I checked Gaga, so it's your turn now.

OK. OK.

SHE SCREAMS Oh, my... Argh!

I'm so sorry. Who are you?

Why are you doing that when people here could have heart complaints?

- I'm so sorry. - What's wrong with you? - I can't remember.

I don't know, I haven't seen people for so long, are you real?

Yes, we're real. Take a seat, Meaden.

Oh, my goodness!

Wait there, give me five seconds... I actually think I've shit myself.

Don't talk to me about shitting myself,

I've been in bed for eight years.

- Oh, Christ. - Why are you here?

Because my crazy niece, Gaga, says I'm crazy myself,

so I've gotta stay down here, I've gotta do what Gaga says,

and I hate Gaga, I hate Gaga, I want to go away,

I want to come away with you, will you take me away?

Jay-Z says we can come and when he sorts out his passport, we gotta go.

What do you think's wrong with her?

I just wanted her to breathe.

Do you think she's having some sort of episode?

She is such a monster to me!

- She's a monster! - It's OK, it's OK.

- I hate Gaga! - It's OK...

I hate Gaga, no, I love Gaga, no, I hate her...

Nicki, Nicki! Chill out, Nicki!

Argh! Meaden, Meaden, Meaden!

Will you two stop mucking around?

We've got a murder mystery to solve here.

Meaden, Meaden, help! Help me, Meaden! Meaden!

Jesus Christ!

Oh, Meaden, Meaden!

Meaden, have you got a condom?

Meaden! Meaden!

Hey, yo, what the hell is going on here?

Sleet, get outta here. Miss Minaj, she needs her bed rest.

I'm not going anywhere.

- Oh! - Sorry, Meaden.

- You can come back any time. - Get off me!

So can you, Marie, it's been real.

Well, I think that was a dignified exit, don't you?

Shall we just take some of the evidence and go, shall we?

- It's been lovely meeting you. - Nice to see you, Marie.

It's been lovely, so lovely.

Next time, don't wait so long, you can come back any time.

You must be so proud.

What have I done? It was her, not me.

- You all right, baby? - I'm OK, Jay.

'After changing my underpants, I hatched a plan.

'I had Meaden drop a sleeping draught

'into the cup of the person she thought guilty of Gaga's murder.'

'This was it. Time for us to serve up

'some justice with milk and sugar - no going back now.'

One of you murdered this lady.

So, was it the lovelorn old virgin

who was head over heels for Gaga?

Or is it her angelic, sexy, gorgeous niece?

Or was it Jay-Z, the suspicious butler?

Or was it Nicki Minaj,

the sex-mad hag?

Deb. Grab me and you

a couple of teas as well, please. Bring 'em here.

Deborah, can you get our cups of tea, please?

Absolutely.

Thank you very much, Your Highness(!)

Shall we have a lovely drinky poos before...

we find out who did it?

Don't worry, everyone,

it's just a powerful sedative

that I use on dates.

I use it after I've made love to someone.

I have trouble getting to sleep after aggressive intercourse.

Somebody died here.

Yes, somebody has died here, Gaga,

and you believed that the man who killed her was Jay-Z?

- I do. - Do you want to explain why?

Well, you see, I thought it was Cheryl.

There were three pieces of paper,

two signatures matched on the Get Well card and the letter,

but I think that the two of you were having an affair.

I think that he was trying to get you out from your downstairs

dungeon and I think that you didn't need the money,

that was a complete, that was a set-up of Cheryl, because he was

the only person that was actually able to be in the room at the time.

He was up here and he dropped that will letter into that bag

over there to make it look like Lady Cheryl had done it.

Oh, what the fuck is going on?

Hey, Chief.

What's going on, what's that?

It's just a powerful sleeping sedative I use, called nightshade.

Not deadly nightshade?

That's exactly what I mean, sir.

Oh, fuck me. Are you stupid?

The clue is in the name, you pig dog!

- You just killed him! - Dammit.

Who administered the dose?

Oh, God!

- Meaden, sir. - No, no, to be fair... - Meaden, I think you'd already...

- Yeah... - Meaden, I said to go...

- Under your instruction... - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I don't want to hear it!

I do not want to hear it, Meaden.

When I met you, yes, I thought to myself,

"Here, finally, is a rookie with a proper pair of bollocks,"

but you've really disappointed me today.

The killer was Cheryl. Yes.

- Oh... - I'm afraid so. Why?

Because she was the only one who'd been travelling prior to the murder.

There was a photo of her in the Galapagos Islands on holiday.

Yes, the will was forged,

you were absolutely correct, but it was forged by Cheryl.

- Oh... - She was the beneficiary of Lady Gaga's fortune.

It stood to reason, you made it too complicated.

- It couldn't have been Jay-Z. - Why not?

Because Nicki Minaj told you that he didn't have a passport.

When he sorts out his passport, we're gonna go.

Therefore, he could never have travelled abroad

to get the poison which killed Lady Gaga.

You've just killed an innocent man.

Meaden, you're fired.

And for once, you're not the most stupid person in the room.

Let's get out of here.

- Take her away! - Ah, that's... - Get off me, man, no!

Cheryl, I'll wait for you.

I'll come and see you in prison and we'll make love.

- You idiot! - I'm not the idiot, you killed him.

- OK, to be fair, I got this bit wrong... - Fine.

..but in the last moment, you and me,

what you call a sleeping draught actually turns out to be poison.

Meaden, it was an easy mistake to make,

- it doesn't say... - OK, who made the mistake?

- You did, you put the... - No, you did.

- Who put the poison... - You are my superior.

You should know more about this than I do.

If you'd killed Cheryl...

You should know the difference between poison and a sleeping drug

and I believed you when you said that.

OK, I'll hang for it...

- And - I - am the most stupid person in the room?

Yes, and I'm glad that you know you are.

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