Original subtitles

You all ready for tomorrow, then?

Yeah. Getting there. Erm...

.. what was this?

You used to love that when you were a baby.

- Did I?! - Yeah.

I used to call him Snuggles.

- Aww. - Snuggles?! - Yeah.

Oh, funny.

What we're trying to do is, is strike a balance, aren't we,

between taking everything we need for the new flat

and not leaving the bedroom so empty it'll become like a symbol

of how lonely you are?

- Thanks. - That's all right.

Didn't you have enough dinner, love?

Oh, no.

Sorry. Yes.

It was the best meal I've ever eaten! Dammit.

It was one of those meals that was, like, so nice

I couldn't actually eat barely any of it.

It was awesome.

Spectacular.

Mmm!

- Did you cook it yourself? - Yeah. - Wow.

I'll have to get the recipe.

It was just what I needed, actually.

I love a bit of, erm...

- What was it? - Pork.

Yeah.

Pork.

Delicious.

Amazing.

Do you think...?

I was saying to Jason, actually,

I only bring it up cos we were discussing it the other day.

Do you think there are some clothes that you should only wear inside

the house, that you should never, ever go out in?

It's just for the garden.

Great.

Phew!

Yeah. No, it's just that I don't get the bonfire smell

- on my normal clothes. - Yeah. No, yeah, makes sense.

So I just put on my most stupid clothes instead.

Same principle as what you're wearing.

It's a hat and gloves and a massive snood,

- and all together it was �3.50. - Wow.

- I love saying snood, don't you? - Yeah.

Say it.

Snood.

Nice?

Yeah.

Michael?

Snood.

Nice?

- Yeah. - Snood.

Snood.

Snood.

Snood.

It's a really good word to say, isn't it?

Snood.

I was just telling your mum how cheap it was.

But only cos it was made by some kid working for 1p

- in some sweatshop. - Yeah, but it's not about the money at that age.

It's about building up your CV.

What?

- I got the, er... - That was my dad's.

I...

I've completed on that place in Spain.

Oh, shit. Wow.

That was quick.

No, sorry. That's, erm, that's great.

That's really exciting. I'm...

I'm so pleased, yeah.

I can't wait to get rid of you.

He got the flat in Spain!

Well, I'm not moving there, just Thursday to Sunday.

Is that all?

You should be gone away a bit more than that.

Michael's got wood!

Nice of you to notice.

- Here, I'll give you a hand, mate. - Great.

You can have a feel of my little twig.

Oh, mate. Oh...

? Two bottle of whisky for the way... ?

Oh, that is...

That is so wrong!

? I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

- ? When I'm gone - When I'm gone

- ? When I'm gone - When I'm gone

? You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

? You're gonna miss me by my hair

? You're gonna miss me everywhere

? You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

? I got my ticket for the long way round

? The one with the prettiest views

? It's got mountains, it's got rivers

? It's got woods that'll give you shivers

? But it sure would be prettier with you

- ? When I'm gone - When I'm gone

- ? When I'm gone - When I'm gone

? You're gonna miss when I'm gone. ?

- Snob? - I didn't say snob.

That's funny, Derek, because I'm sure I heard the word "snob"

emerge from your smelly little mouth.

I haven't eaten since lunchtime.

What do you do if...? Hello, Cathy, by the way.

- Hello. - Hi. - Hi.

Tell me that's a joke.

It's just for the garden.

- You wear THAT in the garden? - Did you have a question?

What do you do if there isn't any brown bread in whatever

- drab little place you shop in? - I don't buy brown bread, so...

What does that mean?

I buy white bread.

- White? - Yes.

Sliced?

- Yes. - Fuck me...

I couldn't get any brown bread so I got 50-50 and...

If there's no brown bread, you get granary or harvest grain

or a baton with seeds, everybody knows that.

You do not get 50-50.

Granary? Bloody granary?!

Please don't swear in front of a woman.

It's just white bread with bits in it!

- So what's 50-50, then? - Sorry, Cath.

What's 50-50, Derek? Go on. Tell me. Please, I'd love to know.

They take one slice of brown bread,

they take one slice of white bread

and they sort of, like, they meld them together using science.

You're a snob. There, I've said it.

Me, a snob? Can you believe that, Cathy?

It's not that I'm a snob, Derek.

It's that there are people in this world with no taste,

no style and no fucking class!

She talking about you again?

I think she's just jealous of my jumper.

So, Spain.

- Yeah, exciting. - Yeah.

It was a nice bit of beef.

- It was lamb! - It was beef!

It was lamb!

What was it, Cathy, beef or lamb?

Pork.

Oh.

I bet she can't wait for us to die.

Oh, she'll be dancing in the street.

I'll just go and get the rest of the wood for the bonfire.

Oh, great. Yeah.

Shall I come and give you a hand?

- Er, yeah. - What?

No, no, that would be really helpful.

What do you mean?

You know, just all that upper body strength.

You cheeky sod!

- You bloody bastard, I'm strong. - Yeah?

Snob?

I'm not a snob, Derek.

I just enjoy the finer things in life.

Radio 4,

Classic FM,

- anything made by an artisan. - OK.

I'm actually the least snobbish person you've ever come across,

- aren't I, Jason? - Yeah.

In a restaurant, I always thank the waiter, if he deserves it.

I just happen to like the things in life it's good to like, that's all.

Golf, Wimbledon, jazz...

.. the Tate.

- Sailing, fountain pens. - OK, I'm sorry. I take it all back.

Skiing, cheese, seafood.

wine you can't buy in a supermarket,

coffee beans, Manuka honey.

Kent.

- That's cedar, so... - Yes, I can see it's cedar,

thank you very much.

I just thought you'd like to know that it was cedar, that's all.

Everything going to plan?

Yes, it's all going very well, thank you.

And there was me worried that it was obviously far too heavy for you.

Oh!

We're moving in tomorrow.

- Mm, fantastic! - Yes.

It's got curtains, they come with it.

I used to have my curtains made in Nairobi.

- Don't forget about the parking permits. - Oh, you tell them.

We're going to get two parking permits,

so you can come round whenever you want and you'll always get a space.

That's so good to know.

Really, you don't know what a relief that is.

- We can't wait, can we, babe? - No.

Thanks for letting me say about the parking permit.

What's going on with you?

There's nothing more disgusting than happy people.

Do you know how much I love you?

How much?

What's the biggest number you can think of?

10,000.

No.

15,000.

No, 20,000.

100,000, a million.

No, wait a minute, there's so many numbers. Erm...

Ten million.

100 million.

200 million! Oh, God, erm...

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, you're spoiling the moment.

Yeah. Sorry.

Just say a billion or something.

Yeah, sorry. A billion.

Or ten billion.

- Or 100 billion... - Kelly.

Sorry.

But what these happy people don't realise is that it will end.

Whatever they think they're happy about, it will end.

Because everything good always ends.

And those fabulous smiles will fall from their faces

and they'll be wading through rivers of shit like the rest of us.

Is this still about the bread?

It was never about the bread.

You assaulted me!

- You'd know if I'd assaulted you. - Oh, yeah?

Yep.

Good job you had those on.

Well, thanks for all your help with the wood.

- You all right, Mum? - Yeah, yeah. It's just Michael being funny.

So your boy's moving out, then.

- Yeah, yeah, can't wait to get rid of him. - Mum!

What you moving in with a woman for?

Cos we love each other, Grandad.

- We've been together two years now. - Hear that?

They've been together two years.

Don't go to all that effort of moving in with a woman.

Just make a list of everything you plan to do with your life,

then burn it.

Much simpler.

You'll have a lot more time on your hands.

- Yeah. - You could, er...

You could get some new hobbies, like, er...

I don't know, like a cookery class.

- Do you think she got the hint? - She will.

She will.

Two years is a long time.

He's just being old, babe.

I mean, I know Debbie and Ryan have been together three years but...

Dan and Sam have been together 18 months.

- Have they? - Yeah.

Oh, that's funny.

I remember when we'd been together 18 months.

Doesn't seem possible, does it?

It's on the beach.

It's an apartment on the beach in Spain!

- It'll be sandy. - Good point.

You considered that?

Yeah. Yeah, I'll be there Thursday nights through to Sunday nights,

if I can get it sorted with the work.

He's gotta sort it out with work.

Yeah, my Alice, she's having trouble at school

and Nikki, she's got the Spanish equivalent

of A-Levels next year, so...

It wasn't interesting.

A load of stuff about his bloody kids.

- It'll be nice for you to be there quite a bit. - Yeah.

Think of all the things I'll get done without you here

to distract me.

But, erm...

.. it won't be every Thursday to Sunday, will it?

I hear Michael's got wood!

I got that place in Spain!

Yeah? Well, listen to what I've been up to.

OK.

- Completed it today, got it all confirmed this evening. - Yeah?

Yeah, it's for weekends, see more of the girls...

Yeah, just women, isn't it?

They're not always as sort of nice or soft as they're meant to be.

- Right. - She's been saying all week that I'm not spontaneous enough.

But I'm spontaneous. Look.

I'm always pulling faces in photos.

Yeah, well, maybe it's not you that needs to change.

Maybe what needs to change is her need to change you.

Like doing a crossword.

- I see Spurs lost again. - Oh, God.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

Let me tell you what I'd do if I was the manager.

I'm just going to get out some chairs. Do you want to, erm...?

Yeah, yeah, go, go. I'm going to sit here and think of something

- spontaneous I could do. - All right, great.

I just thought we should get some chairs out...

- You all right? - Yeah, yeah.

I just threw...

Jason, mate, I was going to say about tomorrow,

are you needing a hand with anything?

- Nah, we're all right, thanks, mate. - Are you sure?

- I can get you a van from work. - Yeah, no, we're all right, thanks, mate.

(Thanks, Michael.)

Oh, hello.

I meant to say I had to rush to the toilet this afternoon.

It was all very spontaneous.

Look, I was thinking, er, erm...

If it wasn't about the bread,

that means the argument was about something else.

- Very good. - Oh, thanks.

So, I was thinking, erm...

Are you maybe a bit, like, upset about your divorce going through?

Don't be ridiculous.

Because we're going to have so much money.

We can have some savings and pay off my debts.

And also we can, like, spend it spontaneously on, like, I dunno,

rabbits.

Or, like, stuff we don't need off Amazon.

It's not about the divorce going through.

He cheated on you, though, didn't he?

And I've never even looked at a woman since I met you.

Apart from my porn, but you know I like my porn.

We should go and see the bonfire. I bet it's really good.

- Can I have a cuddle? - Not now, Derek.

Cool, that's fine. No worries.

You're your own person, so...

So, when can I have it, Pauline?

Can I have a cuddle?

Do you want me to go away?

I can go away if you want. Do you want me to go away?

Or I could stay here...

.. if you want.

Or I could go away.

I mean, I'll be round loads.

Dinners, my washing, Sunday lunch,

and I was thinking, some days you could do me breakfast.

- Yeah. - Yeah. So it won't change that much.

And obviously you'll all have to go over to my place in Spain.

Oh, nice, yeah. Lovely.

- Can you get us a torch, Mum? - Yeah.

She'll always love my dad though.

You know that, don't you?

Yeah, of course.

Cos my dad was like...

He was just an incredible bloke.

He had this energy and...

And you're a good bloke, definitely...

You have to remember your dad was like a brother to me.

Yeah.

So why are you trying to steal his wife?

- I've got the marshmallows! - Oh, nice!

- And I put some tunes on in the living room. - Great.

Let's get this party started.

Mum, will you tell Uncle Derek about the marshmallows?

Yeah, he's coming.

? I come home in the morning light

? My mother says when you gonna live your life right?

? Oh, Mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones

? And girls, they wanna have fun

? Oh, girls just wanna have fun

? The phone rings in the middle of the night

? My father yells what you gonna do with your life?

? Oh, Daddy dear, you know you're still number one

? But girls, they wanna have fun

? Oh, girls just wanna have

? That's all they really want

? Some fun

? When the working day is done

? Oh, girls, they wanna have fun

? Oh, girls just wanna have fun... ?

- I love this song! - Yeah, it's, er...

? Wanna have fun, girls

? Wanna have

? Some boys take a beautiful girl

? And hide her away from the rest of the world

? I want to be the one to walk in the sun

? Oh, girls, they wanna... ?

No, there's no' a funny atmosphere. We were just...

Sorry.

We were just talking about his move.

- Well, what he did say? - What we doing?

Just getting my fireworks.

- Don't let me near them. - Why not?

Oh, Derek was a bit of a loose canon when he was younger.

Literally!

Yeah. Yeah, I'm not proud of it,

it's just a little bit of arson, that's all.

I threw some fireworks in a post office and set fire to a tunnel,

or tried to and took a hammer to a greenhouse.

But I don't really want you to think of me like that.

You did what?

No, no, honestly, Jason and me are fine.

You're making it up. It's...

This is your age. You're going senile.

I'm just going to go up for a pee.

Thanks.

I mean, I always suspected it, obviously,

because of the way you speak,

but I've never really seen the, er, the thug in you.

It's not a part of my life I'm particularly proud of.

But it all ended up with me getting in trouble

when I broke this lad's jaw, and that was a bit of a wake up call.

You broke someone's jaw?

Yeah. But that's all in the past.

Did he, erm...?

Did he bleed?

Yeah, there was blood. But, as I say...

Was he screaming in pain?

Well, er...

Yeah, I guess.

How loud were the screams?

We'll get some nice cushions.

Yeah, definitely.

- We'd get some blue and white ones, Spurs colours. - Yeah.

OK.

And there's actually a nice blue and white duvet cover in the Spurs shop.

And they do bowls.

And they do a Spurs armchair...

Why don't I take charge of buying stuff?

- Yeah. Cool. - Yeah.

- Oh. - Hey. - Hi, hello.

You know, I was thinking,

the only thing it might be is if Jason thought there was

more going on between us than there is, you know, I mean, we do...

.. spend a lot of time together

and he's clearly got no idea how annoying I find you.

But I'll be in Spain most of the week,

so you'll have a bit more time to yourself or finding someone,

if that's what you want to do.

- But I wouldn't be too hard on him. - Yeah.

It's still difficult for him with his dad, but...

But he'll be OK, you know, once I stop bothering you

- and get my own life. - Yeah, but he's got a point...

.. hasn't he?

What do you mean?

Well...

You don't really know what I feel about you, do you?

Oh, no, Cath, honestly.

Don't, don't worry.

I'm...

I'm Michael, aren't I?

I'm...

.. pretty boring.

People warm to me, I think, but they don't really notice me.

So don't feel bad about it, you know, let's...

.. let's just, you and me, meet up

when I'm around...

.. or a catch up.

I don't want to get in the way of, you know.

No, I don't know why.

Well, I do know why, but I don't know how or when it happened,

it's just sort of crept up on me.

And I can't stop thinking about you.

I mean, I'd love to find you boring.

I'd love to look at you and not notice your eyes.

I'd love to go to bed at night and not think of you,

wake up in the morning and not think about you.

And I'd love to get a text from you and not reply to it

instead of standing there like an idiot

and finding that suddenly all the words in the world are difficult,

even the little ones. I mean, when did that happen?

What am I going to do when you're in Spain with your girls

and I look around the place and all I can see are the things

that you've done that have just made me adore you?

I was still waiting for the punch line.

Well, there isn't one.

But, like you said, this is just you missing Dave, isn't it?

- No, no... - It's OK, honestly.

- No, I think... - I understand that now. - .. over the summer,

I had a lot of time to sit and think

and I realised that everything I think and do and I say,

I just want to be thinking it and doing it and saying it with you.

Is this going to be OK?

- Cathy! - I'm just going to...

Cathy, you upstairs?

- Jason's going to do his big firework. - Oh. - What you doing?

Oh, just done a wee.

- Oh, good one? - Yeah. Really good. - Yeah.

I did a good wee on, erm, Wednesday I think it was.

- Oh, good. - Mum? - And then on Thursday...

- I'm going to do my firework! - .. I did a massive sneeze.

It came out of nowhere, really caught me by surprise.

- You know the ones Dad used to get? - Yeah.

This is going to be even bigger.

Oh, wow, yeah. I can't wait to see it.

I spoke to Michael.

He won't be bothering you any more.

Oh, OK.

It's important you have a fresh start, isn't it?

Without him creeping all over you.

- Is she coming down, babe? - Yeah.

Right then, everyone! Ready for the big one?

- Big one! Ooh-er. - Derek!

- Did you actually find that funny? - Yes, of course.

Wow. Bloody hell.

OK, stand back, everyone.

It said 25 metres. Stand back, babe.

Oh!

Hey!

Woo!

- Woo! - Oh!

Woooooooo!

Oh, wow! Jesus, look at that one!

Woo!

Oh-ho!

Woo!

Woo!

Wow!

Wahey!

? I got my ticket for the long way round

? Two bottle of whisky for the way

? And I sure would like some sweet company

? And I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

? When I'm gone

? When I'm gone

? You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

? You're gonna miss me by my hair

? You're gonna miss me everywhere

? Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone. ?

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