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1
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It would involve some light cleaning,
2
00:00:02,140 --> 00:00:04,950
light ironing and light cooking.
3
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Can you drive? Great.
4
00:00:06,800 --> 00:00:10,590
Light driving. And would you want
to live in or do you have a family
5
00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:11,790
of your own?
6
00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:14,070
No, I've got a family of my own.
7
00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:17,870
- Two little boys. I have a photo.
- No, it's OK, I believe you.
8
00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:20,670
Sorry, the agency didn't say.
What would be your hourly rate?
9
00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:24,830
It's 18 an hour, and in
overtime it's 20 an hour.
10
00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:26,710
- Net.
- Huh?
11
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,870
Yeah, well, London is expensive.
12
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:32,470
I'd be travelling in from Pinner,
and then I've got to pay for
13
00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:36,310
- childcare, and food...
- What, what, what do you do for childcare?
14
00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:38,950
- Well, I've got a nanny, innit?
- You've got a nanny? - Yeah.
15
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:42,470
- Of course. - Sorry, just out of
interest, what is her hourly rate?
16
00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,150
What do you pay your nanny?
17
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,150
Not a lot, she's Irish.
18
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:49,190
Oh, right. So, just out of interest
again, where, where did you find her?
19
00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:52,120
From an agency called Mothers Help.
20
00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:56,430
Are you writing this down in your phone?
21
00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:57,990
No, no, no, I'm...
22
00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:00,590
I'm just setting a reminder for
something I need to do later.
23
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:02,710
So, what was the name of the agency again?
24
00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:05,560
Mother's Help, it's on
Fair Street in Pi...
25
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,990
- You are writing this down.
- OK, yes, sorry, I am, yes.
26
00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:13,230
I'm sorry. Do you know how to
get the bips off an iPhone 6S?
27
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,190
that bip noise, the bip, bip...
28
00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:18,030
Oh, you're leaving? Oh,
thank you so much for coming.
29
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,870
Actually, I do think Pinner is a
bit of a schlep, so I'm afraid it's
30
00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:24,510
- going to be a no from me.
- Yeah, no shit. It's a no from me, too!
31
00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:27,550
That said, would you be interested
in a nanny share at all?
32
00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:30,400
You don't have to answer now.
Just have a thinkety-think.
33
00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:37,150
I've gone into settings, hold on.
34
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:38,790
Wait.
35
00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:41,910
- Yeah, I've gone into settings.
- Control centre. - Right.
36
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:45,310
- Sounds and haptics.
- Haptics?
37
00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,510
Is that in settings?
I've gone into settings.
38
00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:49,790
Just bloody give it to me!
39
00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:53,110
- Who is that guy?
- What? I don't know.
40
00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:55,080
Is that little Sophia on his lap.
41
00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:57,960
Where did he spring from?
42
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,790
Why is he at the big table?
43
00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:03,350
Oh, shit, I missed a call from work!
44
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:06,510
I'm organising this really
big event, a real step up.
45
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:09,030
I'm doing an onstage introduction
with Malcolm Spender.
46
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:10,880
Who's Malcolm Spender?
47
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:14,520
I just assumed everyone knew who he was.
48
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:18,400
- The war photographer!
- Whatever.
49
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:22,150
Whatever?! What does that mean?
50
00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:24,030
Do you know his work, Liz?
51
00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:26,070
No, but war photographers...
52
00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:31,760
Actually, I just need to talk
to Amanda about the, uh...
53
00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:34,920
I just need to tell them about...
54
00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:40,230
Morning, ladies. Just an update...
55
00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:43,030
On the old park fun run.
56
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:46,550
Apparently they were thinking
about cancelling the under-12s 2K,
57
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:50,680
but, uh, I think they've
changed their minds.
58
00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:53,780
Just, just passing that along.
59
00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:55,950
Hello!
60
00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:01,310
Amanda, are you going to
introduce me to your new friend?
61
00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:04,670
Kevin, this is Sophia's dad, James.
62
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:08,310
James is an old friend. God,
we go back years, don't we?
63
00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,990
We were both front of house at
Bibendum back in the day, but he's
64
00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:14,390
well past that now. Aren't you? You are.
65
00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:16,750
He runs Bubble Nation, the
online network company,
66
00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:19,590
and he's married to the
very beautiful Tandy.
67
00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:21,680
He's also a very dear friend of mine.
68
00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:27,090
James, this is Kevin.
69
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,670
- Hi, Kevin.
- Hi, James.
70
00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:33,750
I was just telling everyone about
the under-12s 2K almost getting
71
00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:36,120
cancelled, but anyway, you probably heard.
72
00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:41,750
Nice to have another
stay-at-home dad on the street.
73
00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:44,430
- SAD. - Huh? - Stay-Athome Dad.
74
00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:46,830
- SAD.
- SA-SAD!
75
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,590
Yes, I never, I never thought of that.
76
00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:53,480
But I'm more of an out-and-about dad.
77
00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:58,040
OAAD.
78
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,310
That's two things we've
got in common, then.
79
00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:06,240
- Oh, yes, what's that?
- Both sad and married to hotties.
80
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:10,900
Both bagged ourselves a couple
of hot wives, by the sound of it.
81
00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:15,830
Anyway, see you all at little
Samantha's party tomorrow.
82
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,830
- We'll all be there.
- Yeah, we'll be there too, Kevin.
83
00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:23,830
Great. And if you want to chat or
to say hi, I'm usually at the...
84
00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:25,670
- Toilet table.
- .. that table.
85
00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:28,870
- The toilet table.
- It's not the toilet table, Amanda.
86
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:30,710
It's next to the drinks.
87
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,150
- Oh. - If anything,
it's the fridge table.
88
00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:15,190
I think it's cruel to call it a pool
party, because when people say pool
89
00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:17,920
party, you think, "Oh,
Jonathan Ross's house."
90
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:21,510
Who, who does this
91
00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:24,590
- deliberately?
- Oh, no, I love a pool party!
92
00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:26,830
Probably because I never
went to them as a kid.
93
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:29,030
I never even got in a
paddling pool until I was 15.
94
00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:32,270
- What's Liz doing?
- Oh, she's found some guy's wallet.
95
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,320
I think she's trying
to get it back to him.
96
00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:37,200
- Hi, Liz.
- All right?
97
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,000
Why have you come as Hillary Clinton?
98
00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:44,710
Oh! Uh, no, I just wanted to make
a good impression on Malcolm,
99
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,550
the war photographer.
100
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:49,030
So, what's this? What's
this? Why are you doing this?
101
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,950
Well, war photographers. They
think they're all that, don't they?
102
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:55,270
Think they're all that? War
photographers think they're all that?
103
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,230
Liz, he works in disaster zones.
104
00:05:57,280 --> 00:06:00,070
He spends his whole life
looking into the abyss.
105
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,310
Give me a break.
106
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:04,120
I'd hate to look into an abyss.
107
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:06,910
Did you find your wallet guy?
108
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:10,030
I just called him. He's going to
text me when he's done with work and
109
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,710
we're going to meet. He
does have a fit voice.
110
00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:14,350
You know what else I like about him?
111
00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:16,910
He has no loyalty cards at all.
112
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:20,110
Just got three cards. Gym, Visa, Oyster.
113
00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:23,310
- Got to respect that. - What
does he do? - I don't know.
114
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,110
- I'll text him.
- Kevin, mate,
115
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:27,510
you're all right to take mine
back to yours after, yeah?
116
00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:29,030
- I'll get you back.
- Oh, actually,
117
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:31,870
that would be great because I need
tomorrow afternoon off to pick up my
118
00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:35,030
mother-in-law. She had a nasty fall
a few weeks ago and I have to take
119
00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:36,790
her for a check-up at the hospital.
120
00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:40,630
- Could you collect my kids after
school? - Yeah, yeah. Absolutely, yeah. I mean, I can't do that
121
00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:43,350
tomorrow afternoon, but next
time she has a nasty fall,
122
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,150
absolutely. Right, I'd better be
going. Bye-bye. Bye, darlings.
123
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:49,510
- Where are you going? - Huh? I've got
to pick up some bits and bobs before
124
00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:51,030
the event, some deodorant...
125
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,350
- No, no, you can't go.
- Sorry, what's she talking about?
126
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:56,310
You have to supervise at a pool party.
127
00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:58,990
- What are you talking about?
- There's one adult per two kids.
128
00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:01,390
- It's not a drop-off?
- No, it's not a drop-off!
129
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:04,670
Otherwise I wouldn't be standing
here, inhaling verruca fumes.
130
00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:06,280
Oh, come on!
131
00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:10,320
Jesus. Right.
132
00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:13,350
OK, it's fine.
133
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,190
It's fine. I'll just, I'll watch
from the viewing platform and
134
00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:19,070
then I'll leg it. It's... it's...
135
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,670
- fine.
- Boys and girls,
136
00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:24,790
hands up if you're here for
Samantha's birthday party.
137
00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:26,590
OK, great, great. Mums and dads,
138
00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:30,750
if I can get you all to just start to line up,
and just as a reminder for health and safety,
139
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:35,430
I will need one adult in the water
with every two non-swimmers, all right?
140
00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:38,670
- What does she mean in the water?
- You'll have to get in the pool.
141
00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:43,030
- What? No, you can do that.
- No, it's one adult per two non-swimmers.
142
00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:45,590
I'm one adult, and
there's four non-swimmers.
143
00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:48,590
- Five. - Yeah, but
does anyone really count?
144
00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:51,150
- Really?
- She does.
145
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:52,520
No, I can't do...
146
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,910
Look at me! I can't, I can't...
Look at my hair, my jacket!
147
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,150
Maybe don't wear your suit in the pool.
148
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:01,110
Just try not to get
your head in the water.
149
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:04,030
- I never do. - Anyway, I don't,
I don't have a swimsuit, so...
150
00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:06,470
I've got my wife's costume in my bag.
151
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,830
The gusset sticker's still
attached, so it's hygienic as hell.
152
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:11,910
Why have you got your wife's swimsuit?
153
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:14,870
- Just in case, I suppose.
- Have you got tampons in there as well?
154
00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:17,990
- What size?
- OK, OK.
155
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:19,910
It's fine. It's fine.
156
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:23,360
I can dangle my legs in the
water or I can stand at the side.
157
00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:31,190
- He's a scaffolder.
- What's so funny?
158
00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:34,200
Just the way he said
it. "Scaffolder." Dry.
159
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,750
This way, this way!
160
00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:45,440
Excuse me. Mind your ears.
161
00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:48,480
Push through, push through!
162
00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:01,160
- Where should I put my jacket?
- Uh, just here, give it to me.
163
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,550
Yeah, look in the bag,
sweetheart, look in the bag.
164
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:11,040
This is cool, this is cool. Get away
from there, OK? Don't touch that!
165
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:15,670
Hangers!
166
00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:17,560
Did anyone bring a hanger with them?
167
00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:21,190
A wire one will do.
168
00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:22,710
Anyone?
169
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:24,200
Shit!
170
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,230
Hello, Keith.
171
00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:30,800
- All right?
- It's Kevin.
172
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:34,360
What's the first rule of swimming?
173
00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:38,990
The first rule of swimming is always
blow your armbands up at home.
174
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:40,640
Yeah, I've got this, actually.
175
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,670
I do usually pre-blow,
176
00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:47,790
it's just I ran out of time,
wrapping Samantha's present.
177
00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:49,240
Oh, yes.
178
00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:54,310
Nice togs, by the way.
179
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:57,110
Are they the pair that Nick
Clegg wore on holiday that time?
180
00:09:57,160 --> 00:10:01,150
- Yeah, they are, actually.
- Great casual dresser, Clegg.
181
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,830
Yeah, if I was a woman, I
think he'd be my guilty crush.
182
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,950
- Or gay.
- What?
183
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:09,230
Well, if you were gay, he could
be your guilty crush, too.
184
00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:11,710
Yeah, Yeah, good one.
185
00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:14,990
- See you out there.
- Yeah, see you out there.
186
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:16,680
Loser.
187
00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:19,880
Excuse me!
188
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:24,550
Excuse me! Hello! Hello! Anyone there?
189
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,990
Please, could you?... Good. Thank you.
190
00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:30,590
Hello, sorry, do you have long lockers?
191
00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:32,070
- What?
- Long lockers.
192
00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:34,830
Lockers that are long lockers, if
you have something long that you
193
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:37,110
need to hang up. Full-length
lockers, like a wardrobe.
194
00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:40,710
It's just my jacket's getting very
crumpled. It's a designer jacket.
195
00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:44,510
Why are you wearing a designer
jacket to a swimming pool?
196
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,360
- Do you have long lockers?
- No.
197
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:49,710
OK, thank you. Thank you for your help.
198
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,280
Thank you, good day to you.
199
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:56,630
Sorry, could you... could you just...
200
00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:58,480
could you just...? Thank you.
201
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,200
Manus, just stay right
where I can see you, OK?
202
00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:10,270
- Have you seen James? - Oh, I think
I saw him heading to the men's, yeah.
203
00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:13,270
Oh, we were supposed to
meet outside. We go way back.
204
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:15,190
He's such a wonderful guy.
205
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,230
Very good friends with
his wife Tandy, actually.
206
00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:20,600
- Yeah, yeah, you said that when we
were... - Did he ask where I was? - No.
207
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:23,120
Yes.
208
00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:27,550
Oh, God, your legs look
lovely and smooth, Samantha.
209
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:28,640
Oh, yeah.
210
00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:33,350
Between you and me, I've had
everything from here down
211
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:36,910
lasered off. Not a wisp.
212
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:39,760
- God, that's terrific!
- You should think about it, hon.
213
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,030
I don't want to miss wallet guy's call.
214
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:52,750
My plan is to meet outside a pub
so when I give him his wallet back,
215
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,990
we can go into the pub, so
it looks like I've got a date.
216
00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,910
That's not a date. You've got his
wallet. That's like a hostage.
217
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,670
If he still wants to meet you after
you've given him the wallet back,
218
00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:03,270
then, yeah, that's like a date.
219
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,630
I don't know. I'm really
starting to like this guy, Julia.
220
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:08,510
Oh, God. Have you ever looked
directly into the eye of a pool filter?
221
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:10,430
It's just full of pubes and...
222
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:12,750
.. skin and plasters.
223
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,550
Look, I've just got to
look prepared to go in.
224
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:18,790
I'm just going to sit on the
edge and look at the water.
225
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:21,110
Yeah, that'll definitely work.
226
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:24,630
Oh, look at you, all dolled
up with your big hair.
227
00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:27,280
It's not cos there's a certain
new dad on the scene, is it?
228
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:32,390
What? No, no. I've got
a work thing tonight.
229
00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:35,410
- I've got a book launch.
- All right, calm down!
230
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:39,950
You can give him a copy of your
CV when he surfaces, Julia.
231
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,760
- Come on, Anne.
- Oh, sorry.
232
00:12:44,620 --> 00:12:46,160
No phones in the pool!
233
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:50,520
Hang on, I'm just going to get
this bloke to mind my phone.
234
00:12:56,960 --> 00:13:00,310
- Can you look after my phone for me?
- No, absolutely not.
235
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:02,990
Aw, just for a bit. It's just that
I'm waiting for a really important
236
00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:05,640
- call. - No, absolutely
not. - Aw, come on, mate.
237
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:10,000
- How about if I give you a tenner?
- All right.
238
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,710
Eeewwww!
239
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:22,000
Ugh! Ugh!
240
00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:28,800
No bombing!
241
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:35,680
Thought you weren't getting in!
242
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:47,630
Liz!
243
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:50,630
Please, don't hit Daddy in
the face with the dolphin.
244
00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:52,470
Liz!
245
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:55,230
Say, "The Coach And Horses."
246
00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:57,670
Say, "They do craft ales."
247
00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:01,560
Do a dot-dot-dot, then,
"Could be fun", question mark.
248
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:11,190
I could hold my breath for that long.
249
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,480
I have done many a time,
when I get hiccups.
250
00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:16,460
Which is every time I drink a cider.
251
00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:41,870
Oh!
252
00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:43,760
Eeewwww!
253
00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:00,960
I don't like this at all.
254
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:04,040
Hello, Anne.
255
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,270
- Where's Darius, then?
- Oh,
256
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:10,070
we decided to keep him off
swimming for the time being.
257
00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:12,110
Yeah, he gets dermatosis from the floats.
258
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:15,240
- What, you've come here on your own?
- No, no, he's up there!
259
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,670
Do you know, I lost a ring
in this pool late last year.
260
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:23,550
Yeah. I shed a lot of weight a
while back because of the IBS,
261
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:27,390
and I must have lost 1lb off
my hands and wrists alone,
262
00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:30,470
which meant that my grandmother's
ring just slipped off and
263
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,630
got sucked into a filter.
264
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:36,270
They actually named me after
her, but, erm, she died
265
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,150
when I was about five days old.
266
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:41,520
So the only thing I have left of
her now are these earrings which...
267
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:47,480
I don't want to make your day
worse, but your tit's hanging out.
268
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:53,240
Excuse me one minute.
269
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:01,390
- Ah!
- What the hell is going on?
270
00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:04,910
What are you doing? You gave
me the fright of my life!
271
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:07,110
Did you follow me into a swimming pool?!
272
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,630
I'm not going to follow you,
mother! I'm not psychotic!
273
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,310
You said you were busy all week.
This isn't busy, this is swimming.
274
00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:14,830
- It's exercise.
- No, it's not, you're barely moving!
275
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:20,310
It isn't my fault that you
haven't organised your childcare.
276
00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,670
You've got some cheek,
277
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,470
swimming up to me and saying that.
278
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:26,550
I haven't had time, mother,
279
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:29,600
because I have been busy looking
after your grandchildren.
280
00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:34,750
What's important now is that you're here,
281
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:37,270
so if you wouldn't mind taking
over, then I can go and get...
282
00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:40,350
- I'm not taking over, I'm exercising!
- Don't you swim away from me, mother!
283
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,470
Come back here!
284
00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:43,920
Don't you swim away from me!
285
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:53,150
Hey, Kevin! Kevin! Do you want
to join in the human wave machine?
286
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,230
I wrangled some of the bigger mums.
287
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,840
Don't do it, Kevin.
288
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,120
Yeah! Fine!
289
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:02,840
Whatever!
290
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,710
He's such a great guy.
291
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:10,590
Kevin?
292
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:13,110
Don't be ridiculous. James.
293
00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:15,510
I'm his "the one that got away."
294
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:17,190
Crazy, I know.
295
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:19,710
Please don't tell anyone that.
I turned him down years ago,
296
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,390
broke his heart a bit,
297
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:23,600
and then he got with his wife Tandy.
298
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:27,720
But I think he still has
a bit of a thing for me.
299
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,310
Right, so, everybody, listen up.
300
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:40,350
On the count of three. You ready? One...
301
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,710
Two... Three!
302
00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:45,510
Pull! Pull!
303
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:47,550
Pull!
304
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:52,590
Pull! Pull! Pull!
305
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:57,750
Pull! Pull! Pull!
306
00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:00,190
Pull!
307
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:01,800
Kevin?
308
00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:15,350
I've got you, man, don't worry.
309
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:19,430
It's all right. I've got you,
there you go. There you go.
310
00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:22,920
- It's all right. You all right, bud?
- Yes, I'm all right, bud!
311
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,680
- My God! Breathe, breathe!
- I didn't need to be saved!
312
00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:31,560
I was out there enjoying
the thrill of the current.
313
00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:35,830
I don't jump in the pool every
time, every time you go for a swim.
314
00:18:37,580 --> 00:18:38,930
It's OK, we've got you.
315
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,120
OK, That's it, up you get.
316
00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:55,480
Oh, oh! Oh!
317
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:28,150
I'm just worried that sounded a bit eager.
318
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,270
When did he last text?
319
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,950
- 4:15.
- And when did I text?
320
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:35,510
- 4:16. - Liz! - Did he ring?
321
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:37,630
Did my phone just...?
322
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:42,280
Oh. It's all gone a bit quiet.
I'm sure it's fine. What's up?
323
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:47,040
- Uh, I did a bit of a silly
thing. - What? - I, uh...
324
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,280
I threw James's trousers
out of the window.
325
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:56,390
- Oh. That's normal.
- It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.
326
00:19:56,440 --> 00:20:00,670
I didn't think. It was red mist or
the heat of the changing room or...
327
00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:02,270
He just, I don't know, he just
328
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:06,070
wound me up, and I mean, I
immediately regretted it.
329
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:09,070
- Well, just put them back!
- Well, I tried, but...
330
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:12,350
I looked outside, but I couldn't see them.
331
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,470
He'll just think someone nicked
them. You know, things get stolen.
332
00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:18,310
I used to get new trainers from
changing rooms all the time when I
333
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:20,910
- was a kid.
- Hey, Kev. Hi.
334
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,270
I saw this at the bottom of the
pool. Dived down and got it.
335
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:24,840
I think it might be yours.
336
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,440
- Thanks.
- No worries.
337
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:33,320
Did my phone just ring?
338
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:44,650
The hero!
339
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:46,990
Hello.
340
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:48,430
I think he was a bit upset.
341
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:51,400
He said my watch strap scratched
his neck or something.
342
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:56,230
- It's so great reconnecting
with you. - Yeah.
343
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,910
After all these years!
344
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:02,590
- And you and Tandy,
still together. - Mmm.
345
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:05,550
In a way, I feel like I
should take credit for it.
346
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:08,080
- What? How?
- Because...
347
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:11,870
Cos, of course, we had our little thing,
348
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,110
- when you asked me out
and I said no. - What?
349
00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:17,190
But just think, if I
hadn't had turned you down,
350
00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:19,710
you wouldn't have rebounded with Tandy.
351
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:23,750
I think it was, like,
literally the next day!
352
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:26,710
- What?! - You asked her out the
next day, after I turned you down.
353
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:29,230
You didn't turn me down.
354
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,200
- Yes, I did.
- I didn't ask you out.
355
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:34,880
- You did.
- What?!
356
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:41,070
Oh, shit! Yeah!
357
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:44,070
- I did ask you out.
- You did.
358
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:46,460
Yeah, I'd completely forgotten that.
359
00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:01,270
Everyone wearing a green wristband,
360
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,190
please make your way out of the pool.
361
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:06,000
Did he ring?
362
00:22:06,050 --> 00:22:07,180
Did my phone just...?
363
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:12,920
Give it to me!
364
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:16,640
- Hello.
- All right, come on, then.
365
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:21,830
OK, let's get that off. No, no, no,
no, not the coat, not the coat!
366
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:24,110
Not the coat! Not the coat, oh, God!
367
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,710
OK. OK!
368
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:30,150
He called, Kevin! Wallet man
called, and I have to go now!
369
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:34,150
- OK, have fun. - No, now, Kevin! I
have to go now! You have to take my kids!
370
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:37,670
- I'm already taking Julia's kids.
- You have to take my kids, Kevin, please!
371
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:39,790
Please, Kevin, take my fucking kids!
372
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:41,920
Fine!
373
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:13,830
Hey, Kev, mate.
374
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:15,910
Sorry about the wave machine thing.
375
00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:17,640
I shouldn't have made you do it.
376
00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:20,440
Sorry I shouted at you.
377
00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:24,510
And thanks for getting me out.
378
00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:27,350
- It's all right. - It's just usually
I'm the first aider, you know,
379
00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:30,990
because I'm fully qualified
with St John's Ambulance.
380
00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:33,910
- But sorry.
- Seriously, it's fine.
381
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,550
I get a bit overexcited sometimes,
382
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,680
just getting to spend time with my kids.
383
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:43,950
Until this week, they barely
noticed if I was home, you know?
384
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:45,630
They don't rely on me because
385
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:47,680
they're so used to not having me around.
386
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,480
Well, that's...
387
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:53,480
I'm, I'm sorry to hear that.
388
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:58,070
But it can be lonely being a
full-time dad, too, though, you
389
00:23:58,120 --> 00:24:01,390
- know. - Yeah, but you've got to think
about all the good things about it.
390
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,350
Your kids adore you.
391
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:07,230
I can see that. I'd kill
to have that kind of bond.
392
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:10,750
You're probably the first parent
they call for in the night when
393
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:12,480
- they've had a bad dream.
- Always.
394
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:18,670
But I knew it.
395
00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:20,760
You're...
396
00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:25,550
Wait a second.
397
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,120
Wait a minute. It's...
398
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:31,230
- Where's my trousers?
- Mmm? - My trousers...
399
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:33,630
My... my trousers aren't here.
400
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:37,110
- Trousers? - Definitely not
here. - Trousers, trousers...
401
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:40,310
- What, what did they look like?
- Trousers, they look like trousers!
402
00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:44,230
Here, er, take mine. We're
almost the same height.
403
00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:46,830
- What? - Honestly, take them.
- Well, what are you going to wear?
404
00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:49,870
- Honestly, I'll wear the towel home.
- Why? - Come on, you'd do the same
405
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:51,950
- for me. - No, I wouldn't.
- Take my trousers, James.
406
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,520
- No! - Take my bloody trousers, James!
407
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,150
- Liz.
- Russell.
408
00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:17,390
It's Mitch. My surname's
Mitchum, so Mitch.
409
00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:20,080
Well, here's your wallet, Mitch Mitchum.
410
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:23,870
It's got your three cards and your �10.
411
00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:25,830
Count it, it's all there.
412
00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:29,680
And I sorted your receipts
and did your tax returns.
413
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:33,120
Not really. No, I haven't.
414
00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:37,110
Do you have to wear that for...
415
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:38,920
- scaffolding?
- No, erm...
416
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:42,710
- I rode over here.
- Oh, what, you've got a motorbike?
417
00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:45,070
Yeah. You want to see it?
418
00:25:45,120 --> 00:25:47,790
What, you don't want to
go in for a drink, or...?
419
00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:49,480
No, no, let's see the bike.
420
00:25:58,160 --> 00:25:59,750
Shall I rev it up?
421
00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:04,320
Oh, yeah! Yeah, very good.
422
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:13,680
Very good.
423
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:19,600
Do you want to... Do you
want to go in for a drink?
424
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,400
Oh, for fuck's sake!
425
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:41,480
Can I have... Can I have
a bit of hush, please?
426
00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:47,280
It is a huge honour tonight
that we have in our midst...
427
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,990
one of my...
428
00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:52,720
personal heroes.
429
00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:57,310
Ladies and gentlemen, can
I introduce to you...
430
00:26:57,360 --> 00:26:58,950
Malcolm Spender.
431
00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:05,070
Thank you, Julia.
432
00:27:05,120 --> 00:27:08,670
The cover of my book
is a photo of our hotel
433
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:10,710
just after it was destroyed.
434
00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:13,710
The surrounding area was
completely devastated.
435
00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:16,110
People wandering blindly,
436
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:19,160
human beings at their most
miserable and vulnerable.
437
00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:24,030
I can't begin to describe the
squalor and degradation we witnessed
438
00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:26,270
over the next few hours.
439
00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:29,590
It was the closest thing I'd
ever seen to hell on earth.
440
00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,240
Oh, give me a break!
441
00:27:31,290 --> 00:27:35,840
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