All language subtitles for Monty s01e10

IT'S...

MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.

( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"
playing )

[Captioning sponsored by THE
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]

( music ends with quack )

( sighs heavily )

WELL, WHERE IS HE?

HMM... HMM.

WELL, WHAT IS IT, DEAR?

IT'S FROM THE BBC.

THEY WANT TO KNOW IF I WANT
TO BE IN A SKETCH ON TELLY.

OOH, THAT'S NICE.

WHY, IT'S ACTING,
ISN'T IT?

YES.

WELL, I'M A PLUMBER.

I CAN'T ACT.

OH, YOU NEVER KNOW
TILL YOU TRY.

LOOK AT MRS. BRANDO'S
SON NEXT DOOR.

HE WAS MENDING THE FRIDGE
WHEN THEY CAME

AND ASKED HIM TO BE
THE WILD ONE.

WHAT DO THEY
WANT YOU TO DO?

WELL, THEY JUST WANT ME
TO STAND AT A COUNTER

AND WHEN THE SKETCH STARTS,
I'LL GO OUT.

OH, THAT SOUNDS NICE.

THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL A WALK-ON.

WALK-ON?

THAT'S A WALK-OFF,
THAT'S WHAT THIS IS.

WHERE IS HE, GEORGIE?

HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN
HERE HOURS AGO.

HE BLOODY SHOULD HAVE BEEN.

WHAT ELSE DID IT SAY?

IT JUST SAYS

"WE WOULD LIKE YOU
TO BE IN A SKETCH.

"YOU ARE STANDING
AT A COUNTER.

"WHEN THE SKETCH
STARTS, YOU GO OFF.

YOURS FAITHFULLY,
LORD HILL."

OH, WELL, YOU BETTER
BE OFF, THEN.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE CAT?

OH, I'LL LOOK
AFTER THE CAT.

GOODNESS ME,
MRS. NEWMAN'S OLDEST

NEVER WORRIED
ABOUT THE CAT

WHEN HE WENT OFF TO DO
THE SWEET BIRD OF YOUTH.

ALL RIGHT, THEN,
ALL RIGHT.

BYE-BYE, DEAR.

BYE-BYE, AND MIND YOU,
DON'T GET SEDUCED.

( audience laughter )

IT'LL MAKE A CHANGE
FROM PLUMBING.

DAD, FRANK'S GOT
A TELEVISION PART.

YOU MISSED HIM.

( light laughter )

( laughter )

( clears throat )

( calmly ):
GOOD MORNING.

I'M A BANK ROBBER.

UH, PLEASE DON'T PANIC.

JUST HAND OVER
ALL YOUR MONEY.

THIS IS A LINGERIE SHOP, SIR.

FINE, FINE.

FINE.

( exhales loudly )

( laughter )

ADOPT, ADAPT AND IMPROVE.

MOTTO OF THE ROUND TABLE.

WELL, UM...

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?

UH, WE'VE GOT CORSETS,
STOCKINGS, SUSPENDER BELTS

TIGHTS, BRAS, SLIPS, PETTICOATS

KNICKERS, SOCKS
AND GARTERS, SIR.

FINE, FINE.

FINE, FINE.

UM... NO LARGE PILES OF MONEY
IN SAFES?

NO, SIR.

NO DEPOSIT ACCOUNTS?

NO, SIR.

NO PILES OF CASH
IN EASY-TO-CARRY BAGS?

NONE AT ALL, SIR.

NO LUNCHEON VOUCHERS?

NO, SIR.

FINE, FINE.

WELL, UM...

ADOPT, ADAPT AND IMPROVE.

JUST A PAIR OF
KNICKERS THEN, PLEASE.

( chuckles )

WELL, THAT WAS A BIT OF FUN,
WASN'T IT?

( chuckles )

AND A SPECIAL GOOD EVENING
TO YOU.

NOT JUST
AN ORDINARY GOOD EVENING

LIKE YOU GET FROM
ALL THE OTHER ANNOUNCERS

BUT A SPECIAL GOOD EVENING
FROM ME...

TO YOU.

WELL, WHAT HAVE WE GOT NEXT?

THIS IS FUN, ISN'T IT?

( laughs )

LOOK, I'M SORRY IF
I'M INTERRUPTING ANYTHING

THAT ANY OF YOU
MAY BE DOING AT HOME

BUT I WANT YOU TO THINK OF ME
AS AN OLD QUEEN...

FRIEND.

( chortles )

WELL, LET'S SEE
WHAT WE'VE GOT NEXT.

IN A FEW MOMENTS, IT'SA TREE

AND IN THE CHAIR AS USUAL
IS ARTHUR TREE

AND STARRING IN THE SHOW

WILL BE A HOST OF STAR GUESTS
AS HIS STAR GUESTS.

AND THEN AT 9:30, WE'VE GOT
ANOTHER ROLLICKING HALF HOUR

OF LAUGHTER-PACKED SQUALOR

WITH YES, IT'S
THE SEWAGE FARM ATTENDANTS.

( laughter )

AND THIS WEEK, DAN FALLS
INTO A VAT OF HUMAN DUNG

WITH HILARIOUS CONSEQUENCES.

( laughter )

BUT NOW IT'S THE GLITTERING
WORLD OF SHOW BUSINESS

WITH ARTHUR TREE.

( bubbly theme musicplaying )

HELLO, HELLO, PEOPLE,
AND WELCOME TO IT'SA TREE.

WE HAVE SOME REALLY EXCITING
GUESTS FOR YOU THIS EVENING--

A FABULOUS SPRUCE
BACK FROM A TOUR OF HOLLAND;

THREE GUM TREES

MAKING THEIR FIRST APPEARANCE
IN THIS COUNTRY;

SCOTS PINE AND THE CONIFERS;
AND ELM TREE BOLE--

THERE YOU GO, CAN'T BE BAD--

AN EXCITING NEW AMERICAN PLANK;

A RAIN FOREST
AND A BUCKET OF SAWDUST

GIVING THEIR VIEWS
ON TEENAGE VIOLENCE;

AND AN UNUSUAL GUEST
FOR THIS PROGRAM--

A PIECE OF LAMINATED PLASTIC.

HI THERE.

BUT FIRST, WILL YOU
PLEASE, PLEASE WELCOME

A BLOCK OF WOOD.

( applause )

WELL, BLOCK, NICE TO HAVE YOU
ON THE SHOW AGAIN.

WELL, UH, THANKS, TREE.

I GOT TO PAY THE RENT.

( Tree giggling )

SUPER.

WELL, WHAT HAVE YOU
BEEN DOING, BLOCK?

WELL, I'VE JUST BEEN STARRING

IN SEVERAL MAJOR MULTIMILLION-
DOLLAR INTERNATIONAL FILMS

AND DURING BREAKS ON THE SET,
I'VE BEEN DESIGNING A CATHEDRAL

DOING WONDERFUL UNPUBLICIZED
WORK FOR CHARITY

UH, FINISHING MY HISTORY
OF THE WORLD, OF COURSE

PULLING THE BIRDS...

OH!

UH, PHOTOGRAPHING ROYALTY
ON THE LOO

AVERTING WORLD WAR III--
CAN'T BE BAD-- AND, UH...

LEARNING TO READ.

THE FULL RENAISSANCE BIT,
REALLY.

( giggling ):
SUPER, SUPER.

WELL, I'VE GOT TO STOP YOU
THERE, BLOCK, I'M AFRAID

BECAUSE WE'VE GOT SOMEONE

WHO'S BEEN DOING CABARET
IN THE NEW FOREST.

FROM AMERICA,
WILL YOU WELCOME, PLEASE

A CHIPPENDALE WRITING DESK.

THANK YOU, MR. TREE.

I'D NOW LIKE TO DO
A FEW IMPERSONATIONS

OF SOME OF
MY FAVORITE ENGLISHMEN.

FIRST OFF, LONG JOHN SLIVER.

( drum roll )

ARG, JIM BOY, ARG, ARG.

AND NOW, EDWARD HEATH.

HELLO, SAILOR.

( laughter, drum roll )

NOW, A SHORT SCENE FROM A PLAY
BY HAROLD SPLINTER.

( crash )

( laughter )

WASN'T THAT JUST GREAT,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?

BUT WAIT A MINUTE.

WE'VE GOT SOMETHING ELSE I JUST
KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE.

( trumpet fanfare )

( fanfare repeats )

( fanfare repeats )

( fanfare repeats )

YES, SIR, COMING RIGHT UP

THE VOCATIONAL
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR SKETCH.

( trumpet fanfare )

( fanfare repeats )

( fanfare continues )

Barbershop quartet:
VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE
COUNSELOR

VOCATIONAL
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR

VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE
COUNSELOR

VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE
COUNSELOR.

( exhales )

( whistles softly )

AH, MR. ANCHOVY.

DO SIT DOWN.

THANK YOU.

TAKE THE WEIGHT
OFF THE FEET, EH?

YES, YES.

LOVELY WEATHER

FOR THE TIME OF YEAR,
I MUST SAY.

ENOUGH OF THIS GAY BANTER.

AND NOW, MR. ANCHOVY

YOU ASKED US
TO ADVISE YOU

WHICH JOB IN LIFE

YOU WERE
BEST SUITED FOR.

THAT IS CORRECT, YES.

WELL, I NOW HAVE THE RESULTS
HERE OF THE INTERVIEWS

AND THE APTITUDE TESTS
THAT YOU TOOK LAST WEEK

AND FROM THEM, WE'VE BUILT UP
A PRETTY CLEAR PICTURE

OF THE SORT OF PERSON
THAT YOU ARE

AND I THINK I CAN SAY
WITHOUT FEAR OF CONTRADICTION

THAT THE IDEAL JOB FOR YOU
IS CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY.

BUT I AM A CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT.

JOLLY GOOD.

WELL, BACK TO THE
OFFICE WITH YOU, THEN.

NO, NO, NO,
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'VE BEEN A CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT
FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.

I WANT A NEW JOB-- SOMETHING
EXCITING THAT WILL LET ME LIVE.

WELL, CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY'S
RATHER EXCITING, ISN'T IT?

EXCITING?!

NO, IT'S NOT!

IT'S DULL, DULL, DULL.

MY GOD, IT'S DULL.

IT'S SO DESPERATELY
DULL AND TEDIOUS

AND STUFFY AND BORING
AND DESPERATELY DULL.

WELL, UH, YES,
MR. ANCHOVY

BUT YOU SEE, YOUR
REPORT HERE SAYS

THAT YOU ARE AN
EXTREMELY DULL PERSON.

YOU SEE, OUR EXPERTS
DESCRIBE YOU

AS AN APPALLINGLY DULL FELLOW

UNIMAGINATIVE, TIMID,
LACKING IN INITIATIVE

SPINELESS,
EASILY DOMINATED

NO SENSE OF HUMOR,
TEDIOUS COMPANY

AND IRREPRESSIBLY DRAB
AND AWFUL.

AND WHEREAS IN MOST PROFESSIONS

THESE WOULD BE
CONSIDERABLE DRAWBACKS

IN CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY,
THEY'RE A POSITIVE BOON.

BUT YOU SEE, I CAME HERE
TO FIND A NEW JOB, A NEW LIFE

A NEW MEANING TO MY EXISTENCE.

CAN'T YOU HELP ME?

WELL, DO YOU
HAVE ANY IDEA

OF WHAT
YOU WANT TO DO?

YES, YES, I HAVE.

WHAT?

( exuberantly ):
LION TAMING.

YES, YES, OF COURSE,
IT'S A BIT OF A JUMP, ISN'T IT?

I MEAN, CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY
TO LION TAMING IN ONE GO.

YOU DON'T THINK
IT MIGHT BE BETTER

IF YOU WORKED YOUR WAY
TOWARDS LION TAMING

SAY, VIA BANKING OR...

NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

I DON'T WANT TO WAIT.

AT 9:00 TOMORROW

I WANT TO BE
IN THERE TAMING.

FINE, FINE,
BUT DO YOU...

DO YOU HAVE ANY
QUALIFICATIONS?

YES, I'VE GOT A HAT.

( laughter )

A HAT?

YES, A HAT, A LION TAMING HAT.

A HAT WITH "LION TAMER" ON IT.

I GOT IT AT HARRODS.

AND IT LIGHTS UP,
SAYING "LION TAMER"

IN GREAT, BIG NEON LETTERS

SO YOU CAN TAME THEM AFTER DARK
WHEN THEY'RE LESS STROPPY.

I SEE, I SEE.

AND YOU CAN CLAIM REASONABLE
WEAR AND TEAR--

SWITCH IT OFF DURING
THE DAYTIME--

AS ALLOWABLE
PROFESSIONAL EXPENSES...

YES, YES, YES

I DO FOLLOW THE STRATEGY,
BUT YOU SEE, THE SNAG IS

IF I NOW CALL MR. CHIPPERFIELD
AND SAY TO HIM

"LOOK HERE, I'VE GOT

"A 45-YEAR-OLD
CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT WITH ME

WHO WANTS TO BECOME
A LION TAMER"

HIS FIRST QUESTION
IS NOT GOING TO BE

"DOES HE HAVE HIS OWN HAT?"

HE'S GOING TO ASK

WHAT SORT OF EXPERIENCE
YOU'VE HAD WITH LIONS.

WELL, I'VE SEEN THEM AT THE ZOO.

GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

YES, THEY'RE BROWN,
FURRY THINGS

WITH SHORT, STUMPY LEGS
AND GREAT, LONG NOSES.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT.

I COULD TAME ONE OF THOSE.

THEY LOOK PRETTY TAME
TO START WITH.

AND THESE, UM, THESE LIONS,
HOW HIGH ARE THEY?

WELL, THEY'RE ABOUT
SO HIGH, YOU KNOW.

THEY DON'T
FRIGHTEN ME AT ALL.

REALLY?

AND DO THESE LIONS EAT ANTS?

YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

( laughter )

UH, WELL, MR. ANCHOVY

I'M AFRAID WHAT YOU'VE GOT
HOLD OF THERE IS AN ANTEATER.

A WHAT?

AN ANTEATER, NOT A LION.

YOU SEE, A LION IS
A HUGE, SAVAGE BEAST

ABOUT FIVE FEET HIGH, TEN FEET
LONG, WEIGHING ABOUT 400 POUNDS

RUNNING 40 MILES AN HOUR WITH
MASSES OF SHARP, POINTED TEETH

AND NASTY, LONG,
RAZOR-SHARP CLAWS

THAT COULD RIP YOUR BELLY OPEN

BEFORE YOU COULD SAY
"ERIC ROBINSON."

AND THEY LOOK LIKE THIS.

( growls ferociously )

( shrieks )

TIME ENOUGH, I THINK,
FOR A PIECE OF WOOD.

Man:
THE LARCH.

NOW, SHALL I CALL
MR. CHIPPERFIELD?

UH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I THINK YOUR IDEA

OF MAKING THE TRANSITION
TO LION TAMING

VIA EASY STAGES,
SAY, VIA INSURANCE OR...

BANKING.

OR BANKING, BANKING,
YES, BANKING.

THAT'S A MAN'S LIFE,
ISN'T IT?

BANKING-- TRAVEL,
EXCITEMENT, ADVENTURE

THRILLS, DECISIONS
AFFECTING PEOPLE'S LIVES.

JOLLY GOOD.

SHALL I PUT YOU

IN TOUCH WITH THE BANK?

YES...

NO, NO, NO.

LOOK, IT'S
A BIG DECISION.

I'D LIKE JUST
A COUPLE OF WEEKS

TO THINK ABOUT IT,
YOU KNOW?

DON'T WANT TO JUMP
INTO IT TOO QUICKLY.

MAYBE THREE WEEKS.

I COULD LET YOU KNOW
DEFINITELY THEN.

WELL, THIS IS JUST ONE
OF THE ALL-TOO-MANY CASES

ON OUR BOOKS
OF CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY.

THE ONLY WAY THAT WE CAN FIGHT

THIS TERRIBLE, DEBILITATING
SOCIAL DISEASE

IS BY INFORMING THE GENERAL
PUBLIC OF ITS CONSEQUENCES

BY SHOWING YOUNG PEOPLE...

PERHAPS I COULD DO IT,
JUST FOR A BIT...

THAT IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT.

SO PLEASE, GIVE GENEROUSLY
TO THIS ADDRESS:

OH!

( chuckles )

WELL, THAT WAS FUN, WASN'T IT?

NO, IT WASN'T, YOU FAIRY.

( effeminately ):
OH, HELLO, SAILOR.

HERE, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE GOT
ON ONE OF OUR VOYAGES.

THEY WERE ALL DEAD BUTCH.

MMM, THAT'S NOT WHAT I'VE HEARD.

Man:
THERE IS AN EPIC QUALITY
ABOUT THE SEA

WHICH HAS THROUGHOUT HISTORY

STIRRED THE HEARTS AND MINDS
OF ENGLISHMEN OF ALL NATIONS.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE, CAPTAIN WEBB,
NELSON OF TRAFALGAR

AND SCOTT OF THE ANTARCTIC

ALL ROSE TO THE CHALLENGE
OF THE MIGHTY OCEAN.

AND TODAY, ANOTHER ENGLISHMAN
MAY ADD HIS NAME

TO THE GOLDEN ROLL OF HISTORY:
MR. RON OBVIOUS OF NEAPS END

FOR TODAY, RON OBVIOUS HOPES
TO BE THE FIRST MAN

TO JUMP THE CHANNEL.

( laughter )

RON, NOW, LET'S JUST
GET THIS QUITE CLEAR--

YOU'RE INTENDING TO JUMP
ACROSS THE ENGLISH CHANNEL.

OH, YES, THAT IS
CORRECT, YES.

AND JUST HOW FAR
IS THAT?

OH, WELL, IT'S 26 MILES
FROM HERE TO CALAIS.

THAT'S TO THE BEACH
AT CALAIS?

WELL, NO, NO, PROVIDED
I GET A GOOD LIFT-OFF

AND MAYBE A GUST
OF BREEZE OVER
THE FRENCH COAST

I SHALL BE JUMPING
INTO THE CENTER OF
CALAIS ITSELF.

ARE YOU USING ANY
SPECIAL TECHNIQUES

TO JUMP THIS
GREAT DISTANCE?

OH, NO, NO.

I SHALL BE USING

AN ORDINARY
TWO-FOOTED JUMP

STRAIGHT UP
IN THE AIR

AND ACROSS
THE CHANNEL.

I SEE.

RON, WHAT IS
THE FURTHEST DISTANCE

THAT YOU'VE JUMPED SO FAR?

OH, UH, 11 FOOT, SIX INCHES
AT MOTSPUR PARK ON JULY 22.

BUT I HAVE DONE NEARLY
12 FEET UNOFFICIALLY.

I SEE, UH... RON, RON,
AREN'T YOU WORRIED

RON, AREN'T YOU WORRIED JUMPING
26 MILES ACROSS THE SEA?

OH, NO, NO, NO.

IT IS,
IN FACT, EASIER

TO JUMP OVER SEA
THAN OVER DRY LAND.

WELL, HOW IS THAT?

WELL, MY MANAGER
EXPLAINED IT TO ME.

YOU SEE, IF YOU'RE
FIVE MILES OUT

OVER THE ENGLISH CHANNEL

WITH NOTHING BUT
SEA UNDERNEATH YOU

THERE IS A VERY
GREAT IMPETUS

TO STAY IN THE AIR.

( laughter )

I SEE, WELL, UH,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, RON

AND THE VERY BEST OF LUCK.

THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.

THE MAN BEHIND RON'S
CROSS-CHANNEL JUMP

IS HIS MANAGER,
MR. LUIGI VERCOTTI.

MR. VERCOTTI... MR. VERCOTTI.

MR. VERCOTTI.

WHAT?

MR. VERCOTTI...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

UH, NO, WE'RE FROM THE BBC,
MR. VERCOTTI.

WHO?

THE BBC.

OH, OH, I SEE.

I THOUGHT... I THOUGHT
YOU WERE THE, UM...

I LIKE THE POLICE A LOT.

I'VE GOT LOTS
OF TIME FOR THEM.

WELL, UH, MR. VERCOTTI

WHAT IS YOUR CHIEF TASK
AS RON'S MANAGER?

WELL, MY MAIN TASK

IS TO FIX A SPONSOR
FOR THE BIG JUMP.

AND WHO IS THE SPONSOR?

THE CHIPPENHAM
BRICK COMPANY.

THEY PAY ALL THE BILLS,
IN RETURN FOR WHICH

RON WILL BE CARRYING HALF A
HUNDREDWEIGHT OF THEIR BRICKS.

( laughter )

I SEE.

WELL, IT LOOKS AS IF
RON IS READY NOW.

HE'S GOT THE BRICKS.

HE'S HAD HIS PASSPORT CHECKED
AND HE'S ALL SET TO GO.

AND HE'S OFF ON THE FIRST-EVER
CROSS-CHANNEL JUMP.

( laughter )

WILL RON BE TRYING
THE CROSS-CHANNEL
JUMP AGAIN SOON?

NO, NO, I'M TAKING
HIM OFF THE JUMPS

BECAUSE I'VE GOT SOMETHING
LINED UP FOR RON NEXT WEEK

THAT I THINK IS VERY MUCH
MORE UP HIS STREET.

WHAT'S THAT?

RON IS GOING TO EAT
CHICHESTER CATHEDRAL.

( laughter )

( church bells ringing )

WELL, THERE HE GOES,
RON OBVIOUS OF NEAPS END

IN AN ATTEMPT
WHICH COULD MAKE HIM

THE FIRST MAN EVER TO EAT
AN ENTIRE ANGLICAN CATHEDRAL.

( laughter )

( laughter )

( cracking )

( screaming )

WELL, UH,
I THINK, DAVID

THIS IS SOMETHING

WHICH RON AND I
ARE REALLY KEEN ON.

RON IS GOING TO TUNNEL

FROM GODALMING HERE
TO JAVA HERE.

( laughter )

JAVA.

YEAH, I PERSONALLY THINK
THIS IS GOING TO MAKE RON

A HOUSEHOLD NAME OVERNIGHT.

AND HOW FAR HAS HE GOT?

WELL, HE'S QUITE FAR NOW, DAVE,

UH, WELL ON THE WAY.

WELL ON THE WAY, YEAH.

WELL, WHERE IS HE, EXACTLY?

YEAH.

WHERE?

OH, WELL, UM, YOU KNOW

IT'S DIFFICULT TO SAY, EXACTLY.

HE'S, YOU KNOW, IN THE AREA

OF, UM...

RON, HOW FAR HAVE YOU GOT?

OH, ABOUT TWO FOOT, SIX,
MR. VERCOTTI.

YEAH, WELL, KEEP DIGGING,
LAD, KEEP DIGGING.

MR. VERCOTTI, ARE YOU
SURE THERE ISN'T A SPADE?

UH, MR. VERCOTTI,
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO PEOPLE

WHO ACCUSE YOU
OF EXPLOITING RON

FOR YOUR OWN PURPOSES?

WELL, THAT'S
TOTALLY UNTRUE,
DAVID.

EVER SINCE
I LEFT SICILY

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO
DO THE BEST FOR RON.

I KNOW WHAT RON
WANTS TO DO

I BELIEVE IN HIM

AND I'M JUST
TRYING TO CREATE

THE OPPORTUNITIES
FOR RON

TO DO THE KIND
OF THINGS HE
WANTS TO DO.

AND WHAT'S HE GOING
TO DO TODAY?

HE'S GOING TO SPLIT
A RAILWAY CARRIAGE

WITH HIS NOSE.

( Ron screaming )

THE ONLY
DIFFICULT BIT FOR RON

IS GETTING OUT
OF EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE.

ONCE HE'S IN ORBIT, HE'LL BE
ABLE TO RUN STRAIGHT TO MERCURY.

( trumpet fanfare )

( screaming )

Vercotti:
I AM NOW
EXTREMELY HOPEFUL

THAT RON WILL BREAK
THE WORLD RECORD

FOR REMAINING UNDERGROUND.

HE'S A WONDERFUL BOY, THIS

AND HE'S GOT THIS
REALLY ENORMOUS TALENT

THIS REALLY HUGE TALENT.

Woman 1:
THAT'S A BIT SAD, ISN'T IT?

Woman 2:
SHH, IT'S SATIRE.

NO, IT ISN'T,
IT'S JUST ZANY MADCAP HUMOR.

OH, IS IT?

( bell dinging )

GOOD MORNING,
I'D LIKE TO BUY A CAT.

CERTAINLY, SIR.

GOT A LOVELY TERRIER.

( laughter )

NO, I WANT
A CAT, REALLY.

OH, YEAH.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

( laughter )

WELL, THAT'S
THE TERRIER.

WELL, IT'S AS NEAR
AS DAMMIT.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?--
I WANT A CAT.

LISTEN, TELL YOU WHAT.

I'LL FILE HIS LEGS DOWN A BIT,
TAKE HIS SNOUT OFF

STICK A FEW WIRES
THROUGH HIS CHEEKS

THERE YOU ARE,
LOVELY PUSSYCAT.

IT'S NOT A PROPER CAT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HE WOULDN'T MEOW.

WELL, IT WOULD HOWL A BIT.

( laughter )

NO, NO, NO, NO.

HAVE YOU GOT A PARROT?

I'M AFRAID NOT, ACTUALLY, GUV,
WE'RE FRESH OUT OF PARROTS.

TELL YOU WHAT, THOUGH, I'LL LOP
ITS BACK LEGS OFF, MAKE GOOD

STRIP THE FUR,
STICK A COUPLE OF WINGS ON

AND STAPLE ON A BEAK
OF YOUR OWN CHOICE.

NO PROBLEM, LOVELY PARROT.

HOW LONG WOULD
THAT TAKE?

OH, LET ME SEE

STRIPPING
THE FUR OFF, NO LEGS...

HARRY?

Harry:
YEAH.

CAN YOU DO
A PARROT JOB ON THIS, UH

CAN YOU DO A PARROT JOB
ON THIS TERRIER STRAIGHT AWAY?

Harry:
NO, I'M STILL PUTTING
A TUCK IN THE AIREDALE

AND THEN I'VE GOT
THE FROGS TO LET OUT.

FRIDAY?

NO, I NEED IT FOR TOMORROW;
IT'S A PRESENT.

OH, DEAR, IT'S A LONG JOB,
YOU SEE, PARROT CONVERSION.

UH, TELL YOU WHAT, THOUGH,
FOR FREE

TERRIERS MAKE LOVELY FISH.

I MEAN, I WOULD
DO THAT FOR YOU
STRAIGHT AWAY.

LEGS OFF, FINS ON,
STICK A LITTLE PIPE

THROUGH THE BACK
OF ITS NECK

SO HE CAN BREATHE

A BIT OF GOLD PAINT.
MAKE GOOD.

YOU'D NEED
A VERY BIG TANK.

IT'S A GREAT
CONVERSATION PIECE.

( laughter )

YEAH, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.

BUT... ONLY
IF I CAN WATCH.

OH, I THOUGHT THAT WAS
A BIT PREDICTABLE.

IT'S BEEN DONE BEFORE.

YEAH, WE DID IT
FOR CAESAR'S CHRISTMAS SHOW.

NO, YOU DIDN'T.

YOU DID JACKAND THE BEANSTALK.

HERE, WHAT WAS
THAT PICTURE?

SHH... NEXT.

GOOD MORNING...
MR. PHIPPS?

THAT'S RIGHT, YES.

UM, DO TAKE A SEAT.

RIGHT, SIR.

NOW, COULD YOU
TELL US, ROUGHLY

WHY YOU WANT TO
BECOME A LIBRARIAN?

WELL, I'VE HAD A CERTAIN AMOUNT
OF EXPERIENCE

RUNNING A LIBRARY AT SCHOOL.

YES, YES, WHAT SORT
OF EXPERIENCE?

WELL, FOR A TIME
I RAN THE UPPER SCIENCE LIBRARY.

YES, YES.

NOW, MR. PHIPPS,
OF COURSE YOU DO REALIZE

THAT THE POST OF LIBRARIAN
CARRIES WITH IT

CERTAIN VERY IMPORTANT
RESPONSIBILITIES.

I MEAN, THERE'S
THE SELECTION OF BOOKS

THE RECORD LIBRARY
AND THE ART GALLERY.

NOW, IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOUR
GREATEST DISADVANTAGE IS

YOUR LACK
OF PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE

COUPLED WITH THE FACT
THAT BEING A GORILLA

YOU WOULD TEND
TO FRIGHTEN PEOPLE.

UH, IS HE A GORILLA?

YES, HE IS.

WHY DOESN'T IT
SAY ON HIS FORM

THAT HE'S A GORILLA?

WELL, YOU SEE

APPLICANTS ARE NOT REQUIRED
TO FILL IN THEIR SPECIES.

WHAT WAS
THAT PICTURE?

SHH!

MR. PHIPPS,
WHAT IS YOUR ATTITUDE

TOWARDS CENSORSHIP
IN THE PUBLIC LIBRARY?

HOW DO YOU MEAN, SIR?

WELL, I MEAN FOR INSTANCE

WOULD YOU STOCK LAST EXIT
TO BROOKLYN OR GROUPIE?

YES, I THINK SO.

GOOD.

YES, WELL, THAT SEEMS TO BE
VERY SENSIBLE, MR. PHIPPS.

I CAN'T PRETEND
THAT THIS LIBRARY

HASN'T HAD ITS DIFFICULTIES.

MR. ROBERTSON--
YOUR PREDECESSOR--

AN EXCELLENT LIBRARIAN,
SAVAGED THREE PEOPLE LAST WEEK

AND HAD TO BE DESTROYED.

I'M SORRY, SIR.

OH, NO, DON'T BE SORRY.

YOU SEE, I DON'T BELIEVE

THAT LIBRARIES
SHOULD BE DRAB PLACES

WHERE PEOPLE SIT IN SILENCE

AND THAT'S BEEN
THE MAIN REASON

FOR OUR POLICY
OF EMPLOYING

WILD ANIMALS
AS LIBRARIANS.

AND ALSO
THEY'RE MUCH
MORE PERMISSIVE.

PUMAS KEEP HANK JANSON
ON OPEN SHELVES.

YES, MR. PHIPPS.

MR. PHIPPS, I LOVE
SEEING THE CUSTOMERS

WHEN THEY COME IN
TO COMPLAIN

ABOUT SOME BOOK
BEING DAMAGED

AND ASK TO SEE
THE CHIEF LIBRARIAN

AND THEN YOU SHOULD SEE
THEIR FACES

WHEN THE PROUD BEAST LEAPS
FROM HIS TINY OFFICE

SNATCHES THE BOOK FROM
THEIR HANDS AND SINKS HIS FANGS

INTO THEIR SOFT...

MR. PHIPPS--
KONG--

YOU CAN BE OUR
NEXT LIBRARIAN.

YOU'RE PROUD, MAJESTIC
AND FIERCE ENOUGH.

WILL YOU DO IT?

I DON'T THINK I CAN, SIR.

WHY NOT?

I'M NOT REALLY
A GORILLA.

I'M A LIBRARIAN IN A SKIN.

( laughter )

WHY THIS
DECEPTION?

WELL, THEY SAID IT WOULD BE

THE BEST WAY TO GET A JOB.

GET OUT,
MR. LIBRARIAN PHIPPS

SEEING AS YOU'RE
NOT A GORILLA

BUT ONLY DRESSED UP
AS ONE

TRYING TO DECEIVE US

IN ORDER TO FURTHER
YOUR CAREER!

NEXT?

AH, MR. PATTINSON, SIT!

Man in falsetto:
"DEAR MIRROR VIEW

"I WOULD LIKE TO BE PAID
FIVE GUINEAS

"FOR SAYING SOMETHING STUPID
ABOUT A TELEVISION SHOW.

YOURS SINCERELY,
MRS. SYBIL AGRO."

Man:
"DEAR DAVID JACOBS,
EAST GRINSTEAD, FRIDAY.

"WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO PAY
64 GUINEAS EACH YEAR

"FOR MY TELEVISION LICENSE
WHEN I CAN BUY ONE FOR SIX?

"YOURS, SINCERELY,
CAPTAIN R.H. PRETTY.

"P.S.-- SUPPORT RHODESIA,
CUT MOTOR TAXES

SAVE THE ARGYLLS,
RUNNING-IN PLEASE PASS."

Man:
"DEAR OLD CODGERS

"SOME FRIENDS OF MINE AND I
HAVE FORMED A CONSORTIUM

"AND, WORKING WITH SOPHISTICATED
DRILLING EQUIPMENT

"WE HAVE DISCOVERED
EXTENSIVE NICKEL DEPOSITS

"OFF WESTERN SCOTLAND.

THE CINCINNATI MINING COMPANY."

Men:
"GOOD FOR YOU, MA'AM!"

Man:
"DEAR OLD CODGERS

"I AM PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES OF AMERICA.

YOURS TRULY, R.M. NIXON."

Men:
"PHEW! BET THAT'S A JOB
AND A HALF, MA'AM."

Man ( in falsetto ):
"DEAR SIR, I AM
OVER 3,000 YEARS OLD

AND WOULD LIKE TO SEE ANY SCENE
WITH TWO PEOPLE IN BED."

Men:
"BET THAT'S A LINK, MA'AM."

Men:
"BET THAT'S A LINK, MA'AM."

( both snoring )

( in French accent ):
VERA, VERA, DARLING!

WAKE UP,
MY LITTLE LEMON.

COME TO MY ARMS.

OH, MAURICE,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I COULD NOT KEEP
AWAY FROM YOU.

I MUST HAVE YOU
ALL THE TIME.

OH, THIS IS MOST
INCONVENIENT.

DON'T TALK TO ME
ABOUT CONVENIENCE.

LOVE CONSUMES
MY NAUGHTY MIND.

I'M DELIRIOUS
WITH DESIRE.

( laughter )

WHAT'S THAT,
VERA?

OH, UH, NOTHING, DEAR

JUST A TRICK
OF THE LIGHT.

RIGHTO.

PHEW, THAT WAS CLOSE!

NOW, THEN,
MY LITTLE BANANA

MY LITTLE FRUIT SALAD.

I CAN WAIT FOR YOU
NO LONGER.

YOU MUST BE MINE,
UTTERLY.

OH, MAURICE.

Man:
VERA!

HOW DARE YOU!

ROGER!

WHAT'S THE MEANING
OF THIS?

OH, I CAN EXPLAIN
EVERYTHING, MY DARLING.

WHO'S THIS?

THIS IS MAURICE
ZATAPATHIQUE,
ROGER THOMPSON.

ROGER THOMPSON,
MAURICE ZATAPATHIQUE.

HOW DO YOU DO?

HOW DO YOU DO?

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS
TO ME, VERA

AFTER ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH?

DAMN IT, I LOVE YOU.

VERA, DON'T YOU
UNDERSTAND?

IT'S ME THAT LOVES YOU.

( snorts )

WHAT'S HAPPENING,
VERA?

OH, NOTHING, DEAR.

JUST A TWIG BRUSHING
AGAINST THE WINDOW.

RIGHTO!

COME TO ME, VERA.

OH, NOT NOW,
ROGER.

VERA, MY LITTLE
HEDGEHOG

DON'T TURN ME AWAY.

OH, IT CANNOT
BE, MAURICE.

HANDS OFF, YOU
FILTHY BALLY FROGGIE.

OH, KEN, KEN BIGGLES!

YES, ALGY IS
HERE AS WELL.

ALGY BRAITHWAITE?

THAT'S RIGHT,
VERA.

OH, GOD, YOU KNOW

WE BOTH STILL
BALLY LOVE YOU.

OH, BIGGLES!

ALGY!

OH, BUT HOW
WONDERFUL!

( snorts )

WHAT'S HAPPENING,
VERA?

OH, NOTHING, DEAR,
JUST THE TOILET FILLING UP.

RIGHTO!

( laughter )

EXCUSE ME, COULD
YOU TELL ME

WHERE IS MRS. VERA
JACKSON, PLEASE?

YES, RIGHT
AND RIGHT AGAIN.

MUCHAS GRACIAS.

RIGHTO!

( all talking )

( playing "Mexican Hat Dance" )

OH, VERA

REMEMBER ACAPULCO
IN THE SPRINGTIME.

OH, THE HERMAN RODRIGUES FOUR!

( shouting in delight )

VERA! I DISTINCTLY
HEARD

A MEXICAN
RHYTHM COMBO.

OH, NO, DEAR,
IT WAS JUST

THE ELECTRIC BLANKET
SWITCHING OFF.

OH... WELL, I'M
GOING FOR A TINKLE.

NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

HERE, WE HAVEN'T
FINISHED THE SKETCH YET!

DASH IT ALL

THERE'S ONLY
ANOTHER BALLY PAGE.

I SAY, THERE'S
NO ONE TO REACT TO.

DON'T TALK
TO THE CAMERA.

OH, SORRY.

( gong chimes )

IT'S NO GOOD YOU COMING IN.

HE'S GONE AND LEFT THE SKETCH.

YES, HE WENT
FOR A TINKLE.

OOH.

SHH...

I THINK MY WIFE
IS BEGINNING

TO SUSPECT
SOMETHING.

I FELT THAT ENDING
WAS A BIT PREDICTABLE.

( chomps, then burps )

YES, INDEED, THERE WAS
A CERTAIN LACK OF ORIGINALITY.

( slurping )

HOWEVER, IT'S NOT NECESSARILY A
GOOD THING JUST TO BE DIFFERENT.

NO... QUITE, THERE
IS EQUAL HUMOR

IN THE CONVENTIONAL.

( pigs snorting and grunting )

( burping )

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, IS
IT WHAT THE PUBLIC WANTS?

I MEAN, WITH THE NEW
PERMISSIVENESS

NOT TO MENTION THE BALANCE
OF PAYMENTS

AND THE UNDENIABLE FACT THAT...

( roaring )

I AGREE WITH THAT
COMPLETELY.

( slurping )

( burps )

THAT'S IT, I'M GETTING
OUT OF THIS SHOW

BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

TOO
LATE!

( gasping )

( grunting )

( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"
playing )

[Captioning sponsored by THE
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS

Captioned by
The Caption Center
WGBH EducationaL Foundation]