Original subtitles

IT'S...

MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.

( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing )

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]

( music ends with quack )

( sighs heavily )

WELL, WHERE IS HE?

HMM... HMM.

WELL, WHAT IS IT, DEAR?

IT'S FROM THE BBC.

THEY WANT TO KNOW IF I WANT TO BE IN A SKETCH ON TELLY.

OOH, THAT'S NICE.

WHY, IT'S ACTING, ISN'T IT?

YES.

WELL, I'M A PLUMBER.

I CAN'T ACT.

OH, YOU NEVER KNOW TILL YOU TRY.

LOOK AT MRS. BRANDO'S SON NEXT DOOR.

HE WAS MENDING THE FRIDGE WHEN THEY CAME

AND ASKED HIM TO BE THE WILD ONE.

WHAT DO THEY WANT YOU TO DO?

WELL, THEY JUST WANT ME TO STAND AT A COUNTER

AND WHEN THE SKETCH STARTS, I'LL GO OUT.

OH, THAT SOUNDS NICE.

THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL A WALK-ON.

WALK-ON?

THAT'S A WALK-OFF, THAT'S WHAT THIS IS.

WHERE IS HE, GEORGIE?

HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE HOURS AGO.

HE BLOODY SHOULD HAVE BEEN.

WHAT ELSE DID IT SAY?

IT JUST SAYS

"WE WOULD LIKE YOU TO BE IN A SKETCH.

"YOU ARE STANDING AT A COUNTER.

"WHEN THE SKETCH STARTS, YOU GO OFF.

YOURS FAITHFULLY, LORD HILL."

OH, WELL, YOU BETTER BE OFF, THEN.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE CAT?

OH, I'LL LOOK AFTER THE CAT.

GOODNESS ME, MRS. NEWMAN'S OLDEST

NEVER WORRIED ABOUT THE CAT

WHEN HE WENT OFF TO DO THE SWEET BIRD OF YOUTH.

ALL RIGHT, THEN, ALL RIGHT.

BYE-BYE, DEAR.

BYE-BYE, AND MIND YOU, DON'T GET SEDUCED.

( audience laughter )

IT'LL MAKE A CHANGE FROM PLUMBING.

DAD, FRANK'S GOT A TELEVISION PART.

YOU MISSED HIM.

( light laughter )

( laughter )

( clears throat )

( calmly ): GOOD MORNING.

I'M A BANK ROBBER.

UH, PLEASE DON'T PANIC.

JUST HAND OVER ALL YOUR MONEY.

THIS IS A LINGERIE SHOP, SIR.

FINE, FINE.

FINE.

( exhales loudly )

( laughter )

ADOPT, ADAPT AND IMPROVE.

MOTTO OF THE ROUND TABLE.

WELL, UM...

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?

UH, WE'VE GOT CORSETS, STOCKINGS, SUSPENDER BELTS

TIGHTS, BRAS, SLIPS, PETTICOATS

KNICKERS, SOCKS AND GARTERS, SIR.

FINE, FINE.

FINE, FINE.

UM... NO LARGE PILES OF MONEY IN SAFES?

NO, SIR.

NO DEPOSIT ACCOUNTS?

NO, SIR.

NO PILES OF CASH IN EASY-TO-CARRY BAGS?

NONE AT ALL, SIR.

NO LUNCHEON VOUCHERS?

NO, SIR.

FINE, FINE.

WELL, UM...

ADOPT, ADAPT AND IMPROVE.

JUST A PAIR OF KNICKERS THEN, PLEASE.

( chuckles )

WELL, THAT WAS A BIT OF FUN, WASN'T IT?

( chuckles )

AND A SPECIAL GOOD EVENING TO YOU.

NOT JUST AN ORDINARY GOOD EVENING

LIKE YOU GET FROM ALL THE OTHER ANNOUNCERS

BUT A SPECIAL GOOD EVENING FROM ME...

TO YOU.

WELL, WHAT HAVE WE GOT NEXT?

THIS IS FUN, ISN'T IT?

( laughs )

LOOK, I'M SORRY IF I'M INTERRUPTING ANYTHING

THAT ANY OF YOU MAY BE DOING AT HOME

BUT I WANT YOU TO THINK OF ME AS AN OLD QUEEN...

FRIEND.

( chortles )

WELL, LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT NEXT.

IN A FEW MOMENTS, IT'SA TREE

AND IN THE CHAIR AS USUAL IS ARTHUR TREE

AND STARRING IN THE SHOW

WILL BE A HOST OF STAR GUESTS AS HIS STAR GUESTS.

AND THEN AT 9:30, WE'VE GOT ANOTHER ROLLICKING HALF HOUR

OF LAUGHTER-PACKED SQUALOR

WITH YES, IT'S THE SEWAGE FARM ATTENDANTS.

( laughter )

AND THIS WEEK, DAN FALLS INTO A VAT OF HUMAN DUNG

WITH HILARIOUS CONSEQUENCES.

( laughter )

BUT NOW IT'S THE GLITTERING WORLD OF SHOW BUSINESS

WITH ARTHUR TREE.

( bubbly theme musicplaying )

HELLO, HELLO, PEOPLE, AND WELCOME TO IT'SA TREE.

WE HAVE SOME REALLY EXCITING GUESTS FOR YOU THIS EVENING--

A FABULOUS SPRUCE BACK FROM A TOUR OF HOLLAND;

THREE GUM TREES

MAKING THEIR FIRST APPEARANCE IN THIS COUNTRY;

SCOTS PINE AND THE CONIFERS; AND ELM TREE BOLE--

THERE YOU GO, CAN'T BE BAD--

AN EXCITING NEW AMERICAN PLANK;

A RAIN FOREST AND A BUCKET OF SAWDUST

GIVING THEIR VIEWS ON TEENAGE VIOLENCE;

AND AN UNUSUAL GUEST FOR THIS PROGRAM--

A PIECE OF LAMINATED PLASTIC.

HI THERE.

BUT FIRST, WILL YOU PLEASE, PLEASE WELCOME

A BLOCK OF WOOD.

( applause )

WELL, BLOCK, NICE TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW AGAIN.

WELL, UH, THANKS, TREE.

I GOT TO PAY THE RENT.

( Tree giggling )

SUPER.

WELL, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING, BLOCK?

WELL, I'VE JUST BEEN STARRING

IN SEVERAL MAJOR MULTIMILLION- DOLLAR INTERNATIONAL FILMS

AND DURING BREAKS ON THE SET, I'VE BEEN DESIGNING A CATHEDRAL

DOING WONDERFUL UNPUBLICIZED WORK FOR CHARITY

UH, FINISHING MY HISTORY OF THE WORLD, OF COURSE

PULLING THE BIRDS...

OH!

UH, PHOTOGRAPHING ROYALTY ON THE LOO

AVERTING WORLD WAR III-- CAN'T BE BAD-- AND, UH...

LEARNING TO READ.

THE FULL RENAISSANCE BIT, REALLY.

( giggling ): SUPER, SUPER.

WELL, I'VE GOT TO STOP YOU THERE, BLOCK, I'M AFRAID

BECAUSE WE'VE GOT SOMEONE

WHO'S BEEN DOING CABARET IN THE NEW FOREST.

FROM AMERICA, WILL YOU WELCOME, PLEASE

A CHIPPENDALE WRITING DESK.

THANK YOU, MR. TREE.

I'D NOW LIKE TO DO A FEW IMPERSONATIONS

OF SOME OF MY FAVORITE ENGLISHMEN.

FIRST OFF, LONG JOHN SLIVER.

( drum roll )

ARG, JIM BOY, ARG, ARG.

AND NOW, EDWARD HEATH.

HELLO, SAILOR.

( laughter, drum roll )

NOW, A SHORT SCENE FROM A PLAY BY HAROLD SPLINTER.

( crash )

( laughter )

WASN'T THAT JUST GREAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?

BUT WAIT A MINUTE.

WE'VE GOT SOMETHING ELSE I JUST KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE.

( trumpet fanfare )

( fanfare repeats )

( fanfare repeats )

( fanfare repeats )

YES, SIR, COMING RIGHT UP

THE VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR SKETCH.

( trumpet fanfare )

( fanfare repeats )

( fanfare continues )

Barbershop quartet: VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR

VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR

VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR

VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.

( exhales )

( whistles softly )

AH, MR. ANCHOVY.

DO SIT DOWN.

THANK YOU.

TAKE THE WEIGHT OFF THE FEET, EH?

YES, YES.

LOVELY WEATHER

FOR THE TIME OF YEAR, I MUST SAY.

ENOUGH OF THIS GAY BANTER.

AND NOW, MR. ANCHOVY

YOU ASKED US TO ADVISE YOU

WHICH JOB IN LIFE

YOU WERE BEST SUITED FOR.

THAT IS CORRECT, YES.

WELL, I NOW HAVE THE RESULTS HERE OF THE INTERVIEWS

AND THE APTITUDE TESTS THAT YOU TOOK LAST WEEK

AND FROM THEM, WE'VE BUILT UP A PRETTY CLEAR PICTURE

OF THE SORT OF PERSON THAT YOU ARE

AND I THINK I CAN SAY WITHOUT FEAR OF CONTRADICTION

THAT THE IDEAL JOB FOR YOU IS CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY.

BUT I AM A CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT.

JOLLY GOOD.

WELL, BACK TO THE OFFICE WITH YOU, THEN.

NO, NO, NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'VE BEEN A CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.

I WANT A NEW JOB-- SOMETHING EXCITING THAT WILL LET ME LIVE.

WELL, CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY'S RATHER EXCITING, ISN'T IT?

EXCITING?!

NO, IT'S NOT!

IT'S DULL, DULL, DULL.

MY GOD, IT'S DULL.

IT'S SO DESPERATELY DULL AND TEDIOUS

AND STUFFY AND BORING AND DESPERATELY DULL.

WELL, UH, YES, MR. ANCHOVY

BUT YOU SEE, YOUR REPORT HERE SAYS

THAT YOU ARE AN EXTREMELY DULL PERSON.

YOU SEE, OUR EXPERTS DESCRIBE YOU

AS AN APPALLINGLY DULL FELLOW

UNIMAGINATIVE, TIMID, LACKING IN INITIATIVE

SPINELESS, EASILY DOMINATED

NO SENSE OF HUMOR, TEDIOUS COMPANY

AND IRREPRESSIBLY DRAB AND AWFUL.

AND WHEREAS IN MOST PROFESSIONS

THESE WOULD BE CONSIDERABLE DRAWBACKS

IN CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY, THEY'RE A POSITIVE BOON.

BUT YOU SEE, I CAME HERE TO FIND A NEW JOB, A NEW LIFE

A NEW MEANING TO MY EXISTENCE.

CAN'T YOU HELP ME?

WELL, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

OF WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?

YES, YES, I HAVE.

WHAT?

( exuberantly ): LION TAMING.

YES, YES, OF COURSE, IT'S A BIT OF A JUMP, ISN'T IT?

I MEAN, CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY TO LION TAMING IN ONE GO.

YOU DON'T THINK IT MIGHT BE BETTER

IF YOU WORKED YOUR WAY TOWARDS LION TAMING

SAY, VIA BANKING OR...

NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

I DON'T WANT TO WAIT.

AT 9:00 TOMORROW

I WANT TO BE IN THERE TAMING.

FINE, FINE, BUT DO YOU...

DO YOU HAVE ANY QUALIFICATIONS?

YES, I'VE GOT A HAT.

( laughter )

A HAT?

YES, A HAT, A LION TAMING HAT.

A HAT WITH "LION TAMER" ON IT.

I GOT IT AT HARRODS.

AND IT LIGHTS UP, SAYING "LION TAMER"

IN GREAT, BIG NEON LETTERS

SO YOU CAN TAME THEM AFTER DARK WHEN THEY'RE LESS STROPPY.

I SEE, I SEE.

AND YOU CAN CLAIM REASONABLE WEAR AND TEAR--

SWITCH IT OFF DURING THE DAYTIME--

AS ALLOWABLE PROFESSIONAL EXPENSES...

YES, YES, YES

I DO FOLLOW THE STRATEGY, BUT YOU SEE, THE SNAG IS

IF I NOW CALL MR. CHIPPERFIELD AND SAY TO HIM

"LOOK HERE, I'VE GOT

"A 45-YEAR-OLD CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT WITH ME

WHO WANTS TO BECOME A LION TAMER"

HIS FIRST QUESTION IS NOT GOING TO BE

"DOES HE HAVE HIS OWN HAT?"

HE'S GOING TO ASK

WHAT SORT OF EXPERIENCE YOU'VE HAD WITH LIONS.

WELL, I'VE SEEN THEM AT THE ZOO.

GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

YES, THEY'RE BROWN, FURRY THINGS

WITH SHORT, STUMPY LEGS AND GREAT, LONG NOSES.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT.

I COULD TAME ONE OF THOSE.

THEY LOOK PRETTY TAME TO START WITH.

AND THESE, UM, THESE LIONS, HOW HIGH ARE THEY?

WELL, THEY'RE ABOUT SO HIGH, YOU KNOW.

THEY DON'T FRIGHTEN ME AT ALL.

REALLY?

AND DO THESE LIONS EAT ANTS?

YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

( laughter )

UH, WELL, MR. ANCHOVY

I'M AFRAID WHAT YOU'VE GOT HOLD OF THERE IS AN ANTEATER.

A WHAT?

AN ANTEATER, NOT A LION.

YOU SEE, A LION IS A HUGE, SAVAGE BEAST

ABOUT FIVE FEET HIGH, TEN FEET LONG, WEIGHING ABOUT 400 POUNDS

RUNNING 40 MILES AN HOUR WITH MASSES OF SHARP, POINTED TEETH

AND NASTY, LONG, RAZOR-SHARP CLAWS

THAT COULD RIP YOUR BELLY OPEN

BEFORE YOU COULD SAY "ERIC ROBINSON."

AND THEY LOOK LIKE THIS.

( growls ferociously )

( shrieks )

TIME ENOUGH, I THINK, FOR A PIECE OF WOOD.

Man: THE LARCH.

NOW, SHALL I CALL MR. CHIPPERFIELD?

UH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I THINK YOUR IDEA

OF MAKING THE TRANSITION TO LION TAMING

VIA EASY STAGES, SAY, VIA INSURANCE OR...

BANKING.

OR BANKING, BANKING, YES, BANKING.

THAT'S A MAN'S LIFE, ISN'T IT?

BANKING-- TRAVEL, EXCITEMENT, ADVENTURE

THRILLS, DECISIONS AFFECTING PEOPLE'S LIVES.

JOLLY GOOD.

SHALL I PUT YOU

IN TOUCH WITH THE BANK?

YES...

NO, NO, NO.

LOOK, IT'S A BIG DECISION.

I'D LIKE JUST A COUPLE OF WEEKS

TO THINK ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW?

DON'T WANT TO JUMP INTO IT TOO QUICKLY.

MAYBE THREE WEEKS.

I COULD LET YOU KNOW DEFINITELY THEN.

WELL, THIS IS JUST ONE OF THE ALL-TOO-MANY CASES

ON OUR BOOKS OF CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY.

THE ONLY WAY THAT WE CAN FIGHT

THIS TERRIBLE, DEBILITATING SOCIAL DISEASE

IS BY INFORMING THE GENERAL PUBLIC OF ITS CONSEQUENCES

BY SHOWING YOUNG PEOPLE...

PERHAPS I COULD DO IT, JUST FOR A BIT...

THAT IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT.

SO PLEASE, GIVE GENEROUSLY TO THIS ADDRESS:

OH!

( chuckles )

WELL, THAT WAS FUN, WASN'T IT?

NO, IT WASN'T, YOU FAIRY.

( effeminately ): OH, HELLO, SAILOR.

HERE, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE GOT ON ONE OF OUR VOYAGES.

THEY WERE ALL DEAD BUTCH.

MMM, THAT'S NOT WHAT I'VE HEARD.

Man: THERE IS AN EPIC QUALITY ABOUT THE SEA

WHICH HAS THROUGHOUT HISTORY

STIRRED THE HEARTS AND MINDS OF ENGLISHMEN OF ALL NATIONS.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE, CAPTAIN WEBB, NELSON OF TRAFALGAR

AND SCOTT OF THE ANTARCTIC

ALL ROSE TO THE CHALLENGE OF THE MIGHTY OCEAN.

AND TODAY, ANOTHER ENGLISHMAN MAY ADD HIS NAME

TO THE GOLDEN ROLL OF HISTORY: MR. RON OBVIOUS OF NEAPS END

FOR TODAY, RON OBVIOUS HOPES TO BE THE FIRST MAN

TO JUMP THE CHANNEL.

( laughter )

RON, NOW, LET'S JUST GET THIS QUITE CLEAR--

YOU'RE INTENDING TO JUMP ACROSS THE ENGLISH CHANNEL.

OH, YES, THAT IS CORRECT, YES.

AND JUST HOW FAR IS THAT?

OH, WELL, IT'S 26 MILES FROM HERE TO CALAIS.

THAT'S TO THE BEACH AT CALAIS?

WELL, NO, NO, PROVIDED I GET A GOOD LIFT-OFF

AND MAYBE A GUST OF BREEZE OVER THE FRENCH COAST

I SHALL BE JUMPING INTO THE CENTER OF CALAIS ITSELF.

ARE YOU USING ANY SPECIAL TECHNIQUES

TO JUMP THIS GREAT DISTANCE?

OH, NO, NO.

I SHALL BE USING

AN ORDINARY TWO-FOOTED JUMP

STRAIGHT UP IN THE AIR

AND ACROSS THE CHANNEL.

I SEE.

RON, WHAT IS THE FURTHEST DISTANCE

THAT YOU'VE JUMPED SO FAR?

OH, UH, 11 FOOT, SIX INCHES AT MOTSPUR PARK ON JULY 22.

BUT I HAVE DONE NEARLY 12 FEET UNOFFICIALLY.

I SEE, UH... RON, RON, AREN'T YOU WORRIED

RON, AREN'T YOU WORRIED JUMPING 26 MILES ACROSS THE SEA?

OH, NO, NO, NO.

IT IS, IN FACT, EASIER

TO JUMP OVER SEA THAN OVER DRY LAND.

WELL, HOW IS THAT?

WELL, MY MANAGER EXPLAINED IT TO ME.

YOU SEE, IF YOU'RE FIVE MILES OUT

OVER THE ENGLISH CHANNEL

WITH NOTHING BUT SEA UNDERNEATH YOU

THERE IS A VERY GREAT IMPETUS

TO STAY IN THE AIR.

( laughter )

I SEE, WELL, UH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, RON

AND THE VERY BEST OF LUCK.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THE MAN BEHIND RON'S CROSS-CHANNEL JUMP

IS HIS MANAGER, MR. LUIGI VERCOTTI.

MR. VERCOTTI... MR. VERCOTTI.

MR. VERCOTTI.

WHAT?

MR. VERCOTTI...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

UH, NO, WE'RE FROM THE BBC, MR. VERCOTTI.

WHO?

THE BBC.

OH, OH, I SEE.

I THOUGHT... I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE, UM...

I LIKE THE POLICE A LOT.

I'VE GOT LOTS OF TIME FOR THEM.

WELL, UH, MR. VERCOTTI

WHAT IS YOUR CHIEF TASK AS RON'S MANAGER?

WELL, MY MAIN TASK

IS TO FIX A SPONSOR FOR THE BIG JUMP.

AND WHO IS THE SPONSOR?

THE CHIPPENHAM BRICK COMPANY.

THEY PAY ALL THE BILLS, IN RETURN FOR WHICH

RON WILL BE CARRYING HALF A HUNDREDWEIGHT OF THEIR BRICKS.

( laughter )

I SEE.

WELL, IT LOOKS AS IF RON IS READY NOW.

HE'S GOT THE BRICKS.

HE'S HAD HIS PASSPORT CHECKED AND HE'S ALL SET TO GO.

AND HE'S OFF ON THE FIRST-EVER CROSS-CHANNEL JUMP.

( laughter )

WILL RON BE TRYING THE CROSS-CHANNEL JUMP AGAIN SOON?

NO, NO, I'M TAKING HIM OFF THE JUMPS

BECAUSE I'VE GOT SOMETHING LINED UP FOR RON NEXT WEEK

THAT I THINK IS VERY MUCH MORE UP HIS STREET.

WHAT'S THAT?

RON IS GOING TO EAT CHICHESTER CATHEDRAL.

( laughter )

( church bells ringing )

WELL, THERE HE GOES, RON OBVIOUS OF NEAPS END

IN AN ATTEMPT WHICH COULD MAKE HIM

THE FIRST MAN EVER TO EAT AN ENTIRE ANGLICAN CATHEDRAL.

( laughter )

( laughter )

( cracking )

( screaming )

WELL, UH, I THINK, DAVID

THIS IS SOMETHING

WHICH RON AND I ARE REALLY KEEN ON.

RON IS GOING TO TUNNEL

FROM GODALMING HERE TO JAVA HERE.

( laughter )

JAVA.

YEAH, I PERSONALLY THINK THIS IS GOING TO MAKE RON

A HOUSEHOLD NAME OVERNIGHT.

AND HOW FAR HAS HE GOT?

WELL, HE'S QUITE FAR NOW, DAVE,

UH, WELL ON THE WAY.

WELL ON THE WAY, YEAH.

WELL, WHERE IS HE, EXACTLY?

YEAH.

WHERE?

OH, WELL, UM, YOU KNOW

IT'S DIFFICULT TO SAY, EXACTLY.

HE'S, YOU KNOW, IN THE AREA

OF, UM...

RON, HOW FAR HAVE YOU GOT?

OH, ABOUT TWO FOOT, SIX, MR. VERCOTTI.

YEAH, WELL, KEEP DIGGING, LAD, KEEP DIGGING.

MR. VERCOTTI, ARE YOU SURE THERE ISN'T A SPADE?

UH, MR. VERCOTTI, WHAT DO YOU SAY TO PEOPLE

WHO ACCUSE YOU OF EXPLOITING RON

FOR YOUR OWN PURPOSES?

WELL, THAT'S TOTALLY UNTRUE, DAVID.

EVER SINCE I LEFT SICILY

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO THE BEST FOR RON.

I KNOW WHAT RON WANTS TO DO

I BELIEVE IN HIM

AND I'M JUST TRYING TO CREATE

THE OPPORTUNITIES FOR RON

TO DO THE KIND OF THINGS HE WANTS TO DO.

AND WHAT'S HE GOING TO DO TODAY?

HE'S GOING TO SPLIT A RAILWAY CARRIAGE

WITH HIS NOSE.

( Ron screaming )

THE ONLY DIFFICULT BIT FOR RON

IS GETTING OUT OF EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE.

ONCE HE'S IN ORBIT, HE'LL BE ABLE TO RUN STRAIGHT TO MERCURY.

( trumpet fanfare )

( screaming )

Vercotti: I AM NOW EXTREMELY HOPEFUL

THAT RON WILL BREAK THE WORLD RECORD

FOR REMAINING UNDERGROUND.

HE'S A WONDERFUL BOY, THIS

AND HE'S GOT THIS REALLY ENORMOUS TALENT

THIS REALLY HUGE TALENT.

Woman 1: THAT'S A BIT SAD, ISN'T IT?

Woman 2: SHH, IT'S SATIRE.

NO, IT ISN'T, IT'S JUST ZANY MADCAP HUMOR.

OH, IS IT?

( bell dinging )

GOOD MORNING, I'D LIKE TO BUY A CAT.

CERTAINLY, SIR.

GOT A LOVELY TERRIER.

( laughter )

NO, I WANT A CAT, REALLY.

OH, YEAH.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

( laughter )

WELL, THAT'S THE TERRIER.

WELL, IT'S AS NEAR AS DAMMIT.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?-- I WANT A CAT.

LISTEN, TELL YOU WHAT.

I'LL FILE HIS LEGS DOWN A BIT, TAKE HIS SNOUT OFF

STICK A FEW WIRES THROUGH HIS CHEEKS

THERE YOU ARE, LOVELY PUSSYCAT.

IT'S NOT A PROPER CAT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HE WOULDN'T MEOW.

WELL, IT WOULD HOWL A BIT.

( laughter )

NO, NO, NO, NO.

HAVE YOU GOT A PARROT?

I'M AFRAID NOT, ACTUALLY, GUV, WE'RE FRESH OUT OF PARROTS.

TELL YOU WHAT, THOUGH, I'LL LOP ITS BACK LEGS OFF, MAKE GOOD

STRIP THE FUR, STICK A COUPLE OF WINGS ON

AND STAPLE ON A BEAK OF YOUR OWN CHOICE.

NO PROBLEM, LOVELY PARROT.

HOW LONG WOULD THAT TAKE?

OH, LET ME SEE

STRIPPING THE FUR OFF, NO LEGS...

HARRY?

Harry: YEAH.

CAN YOU DO A PARROT JOB ON THIS, UH

CAN YOU DO A PARROT JOB ON THIS TERRIER STRAIGHT AWAY?

Harry: NO, I'M STILL PUTTING A TUCK IN THE AIREDALE

AND THEN I'VE GOT THE FROGS TO LET OUT.

FRIDAY?

NO, I NEED IT FOR TOMORROW; IT'S A PRESENT.

OH, DEAR, IT'S A LONG JOB, YOU SEE, PARROT CONVERSION.

UH, TELL YOU WHAT, THOUGH, FOR FREE

TERRIERS MAKE LOVELY FISH.

I MEAN, I WOULD DO THAT FOR YOU STRAIGHT AWAY.

LEGS OFF, FINS ON, STICK A LITTLE PIPE

THROUGH THE BACK OF ITS NECK

SO HE CAN BREATHE

A BIT OF GOLD PAINT. MAKE GOOD.

YOU'D NEED A VERY BIG TANK.

IT'S A GREAT CONVERSATION PIECE.

( laughter )

YEAH, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

BUT... ONLY IF I CAN WATCH.

OH, I THOUGHT THAT WAS A BIT PREDICTABLE.

IT'S BEEN DONE BEFORE.

YEAH, WE DID IT FOR CAESAR'S CHRISTMAS SHOW.

NO, YOU DIDN'T.

YOU DID JACKAND THE BEANSTALK.

HERE, WHAT WAS THAT PICTURE?

SHH... NEXT.

GOOD MORNING... MR. PHIPPS?

THAT'S RIGHT, YES.

UM, DO TAKE A SEAT.

RIGHT, SIR.

NOW, COULD YOU TELL US, ROUGHLY

WHY YOU WANT TO BECOME A LIBRARIAN?

WELL, I'VE HAD A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF EXPERIENCE

RUNNING A LIBRARY AT SCHOOL.

YES, YES, WHAT SORT OF EXPERIENCE?

WELL, FOR A TIME I RAN THE UPPER SCIENCE LIBRARY.

YES, YES.

NOW, MR. PHIPPS, OF COURSE YOU DO REALIZE

THAT THE POST OF LIBRARIAN CARRIES WITH IT

CERTAIN VERY IMPORTANT RESPONSIBILITIES.

I MEAN, THERE'S THE SELECTION OF BOOKS

THE RECORD LIBRARY AND THE ART GALLERY.

NOW, IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOUR GREATEST DISADVANTAGE IS

YOUR LACK OF PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE

COUPLED WITH THE FACT THAT BEING A GORILLA

YOU WOULD TEND TO FRIGHTEN PEOPLE.

UH, IS HE A GORILLA?

YES, HE IS.

WHY DOESN'T IT SAY ON HIS FORM

THAT HE'S A GORILLA?

WELL, YOU SEE

APPLICANTS ARE NOT REQUIRED TO FILL IN THEIR SPECIES.

WHAT WAS THAT PICTURE?

SHH!

MR. PHIPPS, WHAT IS YOUR ATTITUDE

TOWARDS CENSORSHIP IN THE PUBLIC LIBRARY?

HOW DO YOU MEAN, SIR?

WELL, I MEAN FOR INSTANCE

WOULD YOU STOCK LAST EXIT TO BROOKLYN OR GROUPIE?

YES, I THINK SO.

GOOD.

YES, WELL, THAT SEEMS TO BE VERY SENSIBLE, MR. PHIPPS.

I CAN'T PRETEND THAT THIS LIBRARY

HASN'T HAD ITS DIFFICULTIES.

MR. ROBERTSON-- YOUR PREDECESSOR--

AN EXCELLENT LIBRARIAN, SAVAGED THREE PEOPLE LAST WEEK

AND HAD TO BE DESTROYED.

I'M SORRY, SIR.

OH, NO, DON'T BE SORRY.

YOU SEE, I DON'T BELIEVE

THAT LIBRARIES SHOULD BE DRAB PLACES

WHERE PEOPLE SIT IN SILENCE

AND THAT'S BEEN THE MAIN REASON

FOR OUR POLICY OF EMPLOYING

WILD ANIMALS AS LIBRARIANS.

AND ALSO THEY'RE MUCH MORE PERMISSIVE.

PUMAS KEEP HANK JANSON ON OPEN SHELVES.

YES, MR. PHIPPS.

MR. PHIPPS, I LOVE SEEING THE CUSTOMERS

WHEN THEY COME IN TO COMPLAIN

ABOUT SOME BOOK BEING DAMAGED

AND ASK TO SEE THE CHIEF LIBRARIAN

AND THEN YOU SHOULD SEE THEIR FACES

WHEN THE PROUD BEAST LEAPS FROM HIS TINY OFFICE

SNATCHES THE BOOK FROM THEIR HANDS AND SINKS HIS FANGS

INTO THEIR SOFT...

MR. PHIPPS-- KONG--

YOU CAN BE OUR NEXT LIBRARIAN.

YOU'RE PROUD, MAJESTIC AND FIERCE ENOUGH.

WILL YOU DO IT?

I DON'T THINK I CAN, SIR.

WHY NOT?

I'M NOT REALLY A GORILLA.

I'M A LIBRARIAN IN A SKIN.

( laughter )

WHY THIS DECEPTION?

WELL, THEY SAID IT WOULD BE

THE BEST WAY TO GET A JOB.

GET OUT, MR. LIBRARIAN PHIPPS

SEEING AS YOU'RE NOT A GORILLA

BUT ONLY DRESSED UP AS ONE

TRYING TO DECEIVE US

IN ORDER TO FURTHER YOUR CAREER!

NEXT?

AH, MR. PATTINSON, SIT!

Man in falsetto: "DEAR MIRROR VIEW

"I WOULD LIKE TO BE PAID FIVE GUINEAS

"FOR SAYING SOMETHING STUPID ABOUT A TELEVISION SHOW.

YOURS SINCERELY, MRS. SYBIL AGRO."

Man: "DEAR DAVID JACOBS, EAST GRINSTEAD, FRIDAY.

"WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO PAY 64 GUINEAS EACH YEAR

"FOR MY TELEVISION LICENSE WHEN I CAN BUY ONE FOR SIX?

"YOURS, SINCERELY, CAPTAIN R.H. PRETTY.

"P.S.-- SUPPORT RHODESIA, CUT MOTOR TAXES

SAVE THE ARGYLLS, RUNNING-IN PLEASE PASS."

Man: "DEAR OLD CODGERS

"SOME FRIENDS OF MINE AND I HAVE FORMED A CONSORTIUM

"AND, WORKING WITH SOPHISTICATED DRILLING EQUIPMENT

"WE HAVE DISCOVERED EXTENSIVE NICKEL DEPOSITS

"OFF WESTERN SCOTLAND.

THE CINCINNATI MINING COMPANY."

Men: "GOOD FOR YOU, MA'AM!"

Man: "DEAR OLD CODGERS

"I AM PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

YOURS TRULY, R.M. NIXON."

Men: "PHEW! BET THAT'S A JOB AND A HALF, MA'AM."

Man ( in falsetto ): "DEAR SIR, I AM OVER 3,000 YEARS OLD

AND WOULD LIKE TO SEE ANY SCENE WITH TWO PEOPLE IN BED."

Men: "BET THAT'S A LINK, MA'AM."

Men: "BET THAT'S A LINK, MA'AM."

( both snoring )

( in French accent ): VERA, VERA, DARLING!

WAKE UP, MY LITTLE LEMON.

COME TO MY ARMS.

OH, MAURICE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I COULD NOT KEEP AWAY FROM YOU.

I MUST HAVE YOU ALL THE TIME.

OH, THIS IS MOST INCONVENIENT.

DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT CONVENIENCE.

LOVE CONSUMES MY NAUGHTY MIND.

I'M DELIRIOUS WITH DESIRE.

( laughter )

WHAT'S THAT, VERA?

OH, UH, NOTHING, DEAR

JUST A TRICK OF THE LIGHT.

RIGHTO.

PHEW, THAT WAS CLOSE!

NOW, THEN, MY LITTLE BANANA

MY LITTLE FRUIT SALAD.

I CAN WAIT FOR YOU NO LONGER.

YOU MUST BE MINE, UTTERLY.

OH, MAURICE.

Man: VERA!

HOW DARE YOU!

ROGER!

WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS?

OH, I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING, MY DARLING.

WHO'S THIS?

THIS IS MAURICE ZATAPATHIQUE, ROGER THOMPSON.

ROGER THOMPSON, MAURICE ZATAPATHIQUE.

HOW DO YOU DO?

HOW DO YOU DO?

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, VERA

AFTER ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH?

DAMN IT, I LOVE YOU.

VERA, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

IT'S ME THAT LOVES YOU.

( snorts )

WHAT'S HAPPENING, VERA?

OH, NOTHING, DEAR.

JUST A TWIG BRUSHING AGAINST THE WINDOW.

RIGHTO!

COME TO ME, VERA.

OH, NOT NOW, ROGER.

VERA, MY LITTLE HEDGEHOG

DON'T TURN ME AWAY.

OH, IT CANNOT BE, MAURICE.

HANDS OFF, YOU FILTHY BALLY FROGGIE.

OH, KEN, KEN BIGGLES!

YES, ALGY IS HERE AS WELL.

ALGY BRAITHWAITE?

THAT'S RIGHT, VERA.

OH, GOD, YOU KNOW

WE BOTH STILL BALLY LOVE YOU.

OH, BIGGLES!

ALGY!

OH, BUT HOW WONDERFUL!

( snorts )

WHAT'S HAPPENING, VERA?

OH, NOTHING, DEAR, JUST THE TOILET FILLING UP.

RIGHTO!

( laughter )

EXCUSE ME, COULD YOU TELL ME

WHERE IS MRS. VERA JACKSON, PLEASE?

YES, RIGHT AND RIGHT AGAIN.

MUCHAS GRACIAS.

RIGHTO!

( all talking )

( playing "Mexican Hat Dance" )

OH, VERA

REMEMBER ACAPULCO IN THE SPRINGTIME.

OH, THE HERMAN RODRIGUES FOUR!

( shouting in delight )

VERA! I DISTINCTLY HEARD

A MEXICAN RHYTHM COMBO.

OH, NO, DEAR, IT WAS JUST

THE ELECTRIC BLANKET SWITCHING OFF.

OH... WELL, I'M GOING FOR A TINKLE.

NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

HERE, WE HAVEN'T FINISHED THE SKETCH YET!

DASH IT ALL

THERE'S ONLY ANOTHER BALLY PAGE.

I SAY, THERE'S NO ONE TO REACT TO.

DON'T TALK TO THE CAMERA.

OH, SORRY.

( gong chimes )

IT'S NO GOOD YOU COMING IN.

HE'S GONE AND LEFT THE SKETCH.

YES, HE WENT FOR A TINKLE.

OOH.

SHH...

I THINK MY WIFE IS BEGINNING

TO SUSPECT SOMETHING.

I FELT THAT ENDING WAS A BIT PREDICTABLE.

( chomps, then burps )

YES, INDEED, THERE WAS A CERTAIN LACK OF ORIGINALITY.

( slurping )

HOWEVER, IT'S NOT NECESSARILY A GOOD THING JUST TO BE DIFFERENT.

NO... QUITE, THERE IS EQUAL HUMOR

IN THE CONVENTIONAL.

( pigs snorting and grunting )

( burping )

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, IS IT WHAT THE PUBLIC WANTS?

I MEAN, WITH THE NEW PERMISSIVENESS

NOT TO MENTION THE BALANCE OF PAYMENTS

AND THE UNDENIABLE FACT THAT...

( roaring )

I AGREE WITH THAT COMPLETELY.

( slurping )

( burps )

THAT'S IT, I'M GETTING OUT OF THIS SHOW

BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

TOO LATE!

( gasping )

( grunting )

( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing )

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS

Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH EducationaL Foundation]