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1
00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:06,500
( laughter, applause )
2
00:00:06,500 --> 00:00:08,000
HMM...
3
00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:09,800
HMM...
4
00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:13,000
( moaning softly )
5
00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:16,500
( audience laughter )
6
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:20,200
( slurping )
7
00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:22,600
( laughter )
8
00:00:28,500 --> 00:00:30,100
IT'S...
9
00:00:30,100 --> 00:00:34,100
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
10
00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:41,800
( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"
playing )
11
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:45,500
[Captioning sponsored by THE
U. S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
12
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:47,900
and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]
13
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:01,600
( music ends with a whoosh )
14
00:01:03,300 --> 00:01:06,400
( laughter )
15
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:08,200
SPEAKING AS
A PUBLIC OPINION POLL
16
00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:10,300
I'VE HAD ENOUGH
OF THE PERMISSIVE SOCIETY.
17
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:12,800
I HAVEN'T HAD ENOUGH
OF THE PERMISSIVE SOCIETY.
18
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,600
( laughter )
19
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:19,800
I WOULD NOT APPEAR IN A FRONTAL
NUDE SCENE UNLESS IT WAS VALID.
20
00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:22,800
Announcer:
IN 1943, A GROUP
OF BRITISH ARMY OFFICERS
21
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:24,800
WORKING DEEP BEHIND ENEMY LINES
22
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:27,700
CARRIED OUT ONE OF THE MOST
DANGEROUS AND HEROIC RAIDS
23
00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:29,000
IN THE HISTORY OF WARFARE.
24
00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:33,000
BUT THAT'S AS MAY BE.
25
00:01:33,100 --> 00:01:34,400
AND NOW...
26
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:37,700
( knock at door )
27
00:01:37,700 --> 00:01:38,800
COME IN.
28
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:43,300
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
29
00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:45,400
I'D LIKE TO LEAVE
THE ARMY, PLEASE, SIR.
30
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:46,600
GOOD HEAVENS,
MAN, WHY?
31
00:01:46,700 --> 00:01:47,800
IT'S DANGEROUS.
32
00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:48,800
WHAT?
33
00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:50,200
THERE ARE PEOPLE
WITH GUNS
34
00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:51,000
OUT THERE, SIR.
35
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:52,100
WHAT?
36
00:01:52,100 --> 00:01:53,700
REAL GUNS, SIR,
NOT TOY ONES, SIR.
37
00:01:53,700 --> 00:01:54,900
PROPER ONES, SIR.
38
00:01:54,900 --> 00:01:56,700
THEY'VE ALL GOT 'EM,
ALL OF 'EM, SIR.
39
00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:57,900
AND SOME OF 'EM
40
00:01:57,900 --> 00:01:58,800
HAVE GOT TANKS.
41
00:01:58,900 --> 00:02:00,900
WATKINS, THEY ARE ON OUR SIDE.
42
00:02:00,900 --> 00:02:02,400
AND GRENADES, SIR,
AND MACHINE GUNS, SIR.
43
00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:04,500
SO I'D LIKE TO LEAVE, SIR,
BEFORE I GET KILLED, PLEASE.
44
00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:06,100
( laughter )
45
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,200
WATKINS, YOU'VE ONLY
BEEN IN THE ARMY A DAY.
46
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:11,200
I KNOW, SIR, BUT PEOPLE GET
KILLED, PROPERLY DEAD, SIR
47
00:02:11,300 --> 00:02:13,000
NO BARLEY, CROSS FINGERS, SIR.
48
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:14,600
( laughter )
49
00:02:14,700 --> 00:02:15,800
A BLOKE
WAS TELLING ME
50
00:02:15,900 --> 00:02:18,100
IF YOU'RE IN THE ARMY
AND THERE'S A WAR
51
00:02:18,100 --> 00:02:19,500
YOU HAVE TO GO
AND FIGHT.
52
00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:21,600
THAT'S TRUE.
53
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:22,800
WELL, I MEAN... BLIMEY
54
00:02:22,900 --> 00:02:24,400
I MEAN, IF IT
WAS A BIG WAR
55
00:02:24,500 --> 00:02:26,400
SOMEBODY COULD BE HURT.
56
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:29,600
WATKINS, WHY DID YOU
JOIN THE ARMY?
57
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,700
FOR THE WATER-SKIING
AND FOR THE TRAVEL, SIR.
58
00:02:31,700 --> 00:02:32,800
( laughter )
59
00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:34,700
AND NOT FOR THE KILLING, SIR.
60
00:02:34,700 --> 00:02:35,700
I ASKED THEM
TO PUT IT
61
00:02:35,700 --> 00:02:37,200
ON MY FORM, SIR--
"NO KILLING."
62
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:40,000
WATKINS, ARE YOU A PACIFIST?
63
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,300
NO, SIR, I'M NOT A PACIFIST,
SIR, I'M A COWARD.
64
00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:43,400
( laughter )
65
00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:44,800
THAT'S A VERY
SILLY LINE.
66
00:02:44,900 --> 00:02:45,800
SIT DOWN.
67
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:47,200
YES, SIR,
IT'S SILLY, SIR.
68
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:48,000
AWFULLY BAD.
69
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:54,400
( shouting ):
TWO CIVILIAN GENTLEMEN
TO SEE YOU, SIR!
70
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,600
SHOW THEM IN,
PLEASE, SERGEANT.
71
00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:59,800
MR. DINO VERCOTTI
AND MR. LUIGI VERCOTTI!
72
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:05,700
GOOD MORNING,
COLONEL.
73
00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:07,200
GOOD MORNING,
GENTLEMEN.
74
00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:08,700
NOW, WHAT CAN I
DO FOR YOU?
75
00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:09,500
YOU'VE, UH...
76
00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:10,800
YOU'VE GOT A NICE
77
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:12,500
ARMY BASE HERE,
COLONEL.
78
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:14,500
YES.
79
00:03:14,500 --> 00:03:16,600
WE WOULDN'T
WANT ANYTHING
TO HAPPEN TO IT.
80
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:17,700
( laughter )
81
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:18,700
WHAT?
82
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:20,500
OH, NO, WHAT
MY BROTHER MEANS
83
00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:22,400
IS IT WOULD BE
A SHAME IF, UH...
84
00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:24,500
OH, SORRY, COLONEL.
85
00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:27,000
WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT,
BUT PLEASE DO SIT DOWN.
86
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,300
NO, WE PREFER TO STAND,
THANK YOU, COLONEL.
87
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:30,600
ALL RIGHT,
BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT?
88
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:32,200
OH, WHAT DO WE WANT?
89
00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:34,200
( both shamming laughter )
90
00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:35,500
VERY GOOD, COLONEL.
91
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:37,200
ALWAYS THE JOKER, LUIGI.
92
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,300
EXPLAIN IT TO
THE COLONEL, DINO.
93
00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:41,300
HOW MANY TANKS
YOU GOT, COLONEL?
94
00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,100
ABOUT 500 ALTOGETHER.
95
00:03:43,100 --> 00:03:44,200
500, EH?
96
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:45,900
YOU OUGHT TO BE
CAREFUL, COLONEL.
97
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,800
WE ARE CAREFUL,
EXTREMELY CAREFUL.
98
00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,400
'CAUSE THINGS BREAK,
DON'T THEY?
99
00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:51,600
BREAK?
100
00:03:51,700 --> 00:03:54,700
WELL, EVERYTHING BREAKS,
DON'T IT, COLONEL?
101
00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:56,300
OH, DEAR.
102
00:03:56,300 --> 00:03:58,600
OH, SEE, MY BROTHER'S
CLUMSY, COLONEL
103
00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:01,200
AND WHEN HE GETS UNHAPPY
HE BREAKS THINGS.
104
00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:02,800
LIKE, SAY HE DON'T FEEL
105
00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,700
THE ARMY'S
PLAYING FAIR BY HIM
106
00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:07,200
HE MAY START
BREAKING THINGS, COLONEL.
107
00:04:07,300 --> 00:04:09,500
WHAT IS
ALL THIS ABOUT?
108
00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:12,000
HOW MANY MEN YOU
GOT HERE, COLONEL?
109
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,800
OH, UH... 7,000
INFANTRY, 600 ARTILLERY
110
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,600
AND, UH... TWO DIVISIONS
OF PARATROOPS.
111
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:18,700
PARATROOPS, DINO.
112
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,300
IT'D BE A SHAME
113
00:04:20,300 --> 00:04:22,600
IF SOMEONE WAS
TO SET FIRE TO THEM.
114
00:04:22,700 --> 00:04:23,800
SET FIRE TO THEM?
115
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:25,300
FIRES HAPPEN,
COLONEL.
116
00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:26,700
THINGS BURN.
117
00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:28,700
LOOK, WHAT IS
ALL THIS ABOUT?
118
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:31,800
MY BROTHER AND I
HAVE GOT
119
00:04:31,900 --> 00:04:33,800
A LITTLE PROPOSITION
FOR YOU, COLONEL.
120
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,300
COULD SAVE YOU
A LOT OF BOTHER.
121
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:36,700
YOU'RE DOING
ALL RIGHT HERE
122
00:04:36,700 --> 00:04:37,800
AREN'T YOU, COLONEL?
123
00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:38,900
WELL, SUPPOSE
124
00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:40,700
SOME OF YOUR TANKS
WAS TO GET BROKEN
125
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,600
OR TROOPS STARTED
GETTING LOST, UH...
126
00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:44,000
FIGHTS STARTED
BREAKING OUT
127
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,600
DURING GENERAL
INSPECTION, LIKE?
128
00:04:45,700 --> 00:04:47,300
IT WOULDN'T BE
GOOD FOR BUSINESS
129
00:04:47,300 --> 00:04:48,500
WOULD IT, COLONEL?
130
00:04:48,500 --> 00:04:49,600
ARE YOU
THREATENING ME?
131
00:04:49,700 --> 00:04:50,900
Both:
OH, NO, NO, NO.
132
00:04:50,900 --> 00:04:53,200
WHATEVER MADE
YOU THINK THAT,
COLONEL?
133
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:54,700
THE COLONEL
DOESN'T THINK
134
00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:56,200
WE'RE NICE
PEOPLE, LUIGI.
135
00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:57,900
WE'RE YOUR
BUDDIES, COLONEL.
136
00:04:58,000 --> 00:04:59,500
WE WANT
TO LOOK AFTER YOU.
137
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:00,800
LOOK AFTER ME?
138
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,400
WE CAN
GUARANTEE YOU
139
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:05,200
THAT NOT A SINGLE
ARMORED DIVISION
140
00:05:05,300 --> 00:05:07,000
WILL GET DONE OVER...
141
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:09,000
FOR 15 BOB
A WEEK.
142
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,200
NO, NO...
12 AND SIX?
143
00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:11,200
NO, NO...
EIGHT AND SIX?
144
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:12,200
NO, NO...
FIVE BOB?
145
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:13,200
NO, NO, THIS IS SILLY.
146
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:14,200
WHAT'S SILLY?
147
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:15,400
NO, THE WHOLE
PREMISE IS SILLY
148
00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:16,700
AND IT'S VERY
BADLY WRITTEN.
149
00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:17,800
I'M THE SENIOR
OFFICER HERE
150
00:05:17,900 --> 00:05:19,300
AND I HAVEN'T HAD
A FUNNY LINE YET
151
00:05:19,300 --> 00:05:20,300
SO I'M STOPPING IT.
152
00:05:20,300 --> 00:05:21,400
YOU CAN'T
DO THAT!
153
00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:22,900
I'VE DONE IT.
THE SKETCH IS OVER.
154
00:05:22,900 --> 00:05:23,900
I WANT
TO LEAVE
THE ARMY
155
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:25,200
PLEASE, SIR,
IT'S DANGEROUS.
156
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,400
LOOK, I STOPPED
YOUR SKETCH
157
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:28,100
FIVE MINUTES AGO,
SO GET OUT OF SHOT.
158
00:05:28,100 --> 00:05:29,600
RIGHT, DIRECTOR!
159
00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:30,800
CLOSE UP.
160
00:05:30,900 --> 00:05:32,200
ZOOM IN ON ME.
161
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:33,700
( laughter )
162
00:05:33,700 --> 00:05:35,000
THAT'S BETTER.
163
00:05:35,100 --> 00:05:37,800
IT'S ONLY 'CAUSE
YOU COULDN'T THINK
OF A PUNCH LINE.
164
00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:38,900
NOT TRUE, NOT TRUE.
165
00:05:38,900 --> 00:05:40,300
IT'S TIME FOR THE CARTOON.
166
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:44,600
CUE TELECINE--
TEN, NINE, EIGHT...
167
00:05:44,700 --> 00:05:47,200
OUR GENERAL PUBLIC'S NOT
GOING TO UNDERSTAND
THIS, ARE THEY?
168
00:05:47,300 --> 00:05:48,200
SHUT UP, YOU EYETIES!
169
00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:52,800
( humming vaguely )
170
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:57,800
( continues humming )
171
00:05:57,900 --> 00:05:59,400
( chuckling lewdly )
172
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,200
( audience laughter )
173
00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:07,400
OLd man:
OOH, WHAT THE DEVIL'S
GOING ON HERE?
174
00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:10,200
HEY! HEY, WHAT'S GOING...
175
00:06:10,300 --> 00:06:11,700
WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?
176
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,100
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
177
00:06:14,100 --> 00:06:17,400
HEY, OH, HEY, STOP THAT!
178
00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:20,400
( grumbling )
179
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,200
( drum roll playing )
180
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:25,600
WELL, LADIES AND GENTS
181
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:27,200
HERE IT IS, THE SHOW
YOU'VE BEEN WANKING FOR
182
00:06:27,300 --> 00:06:28,800
THE SHOW YOU'VE HEARD
SO MUCH ABOUT.
183
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,600
THIS IS THE SHOW
THAT GIVES YOU WHAT YOU WANT
184
00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:32,000
THE WAY YOU LIKE IT.
185
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,200
SO MOVE RIGHT UP FRONT
FOR "FULL FRONTAL NUDITY."
186
00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:35,200
( lone clapping )
187
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:37,200
( horn fanfare playing )
188
00:06:37,300 --> 00:06:47,900
( "The Most Beautiful Girl
in the World"playing )
189
00:06:47,900 --> 00:06:49,600
EXCUSE ME...
190
00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:51,400
OLd man:
WILL YOU SIT DOWN!
191
00:06:51,500 --> 00:06:52,900
I'M SORRY.
192
00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,600
( slurping )
193
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:00,600
( audience laughter )
194
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,600
A COLD ICE CREAM,
SWEETIE?
195
00:07:05,700 --> 00:07:07,200
SIT DOWN!
196
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,600
( tone chimes )
197
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:16,400
Man ( overpublic address ):
THE OWNER OF THE VEHICLE WITH
THIS LICENSE REGISTRATION
198
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:18,600
WILL PLEASE MOVE IT;
IT'S CAUSING AN OBSTRUCTION.
199
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:24,100
( train whistle blowing )
200
00:07:25,300 --> 00:07:28,600
( music continues )
201
00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:29,600
( tires screech, loud crash )
202
00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:34,900
( drum roll playing )
203
00:07:34,900 --> 00:07:37,200
WASN'T THAT JUST GREAT,
LADIES AND GERMS?
204
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,200
ADMITTEDLY, A FEW PROBLEMS,
A FEW DISAPPOINTMENTS...
205
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:41,500
SHUT UP,
YOU PANSY.
206
00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:43,200
I PAID FOR FULL
FRONTAL NUDITY
207
00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:44,600
AND I'M GOING
TO GET SOME.
208
00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:45,900
TA TA, SAILOR.
209
00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:47,700
( crash )
210
00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:49,000
FULL FRONTAL
NUDITY? NEVER.
211
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:50,400
WHAT DO YOU
THINK, BARBARA?
212
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:51,700
OH, NO, NO, NO...
213
00:07:51,700 --> 00:07:54,100
UNLESS IT WAS ARTISTICALLY
VALID, OF COURSE.
214
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,500
FULL FRONTAL NUDITY?
215
00:07:57,500 --> 00:07:59,600
YES, I'D DO IT, IF IT WAS VALID.
216
00:07:59,700 --> 00:08:03,400
OR IF THE MONEY WAS VALID,
AND IF IT WERE A SMALL PART.
217
00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:04,900
( laughter )
218
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,000
( clearing throat )
219
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:13,200
GOOD EVENING.
220
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,700
( continues clearing throat )
221
00:08:14,700 --> 00:08:16,200
I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU TONIGHT
222
00:08:16,300 --> 00:08:18,200
ABOUT THE PLACE OF THE NUDE
IN MY BED...
223
00:08:18,300 --> 00:08:19,200
UM...
224
00:08:19,300 --> 00:08:20,700
( laughter )
225
00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:22,200
IN THE HISTORY OF MY BED...
226
00:08:22,300 --> 00:08:25,400
OF ART... ART-- I'M SORRY.
227
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,400
THE PLACE OF THE NUDE
IN THE HISTORY OF TART...
228
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:28,500
CALL-GIRL-- I'M SORRY.
229
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:31,000
( laughter )
230
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:32,300
I'LL START AGAIN.
231
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:33,300
( clears throat )
232
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:34,600
BUM-- OH, WHAT A GIVEAWAY!
233
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:36,000
THE PLACE OF THE NUDE IN ART.
234
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:38,500
OH, HELLO THERE, FATHER, UH...
CONFESSOR, PROFESSOR
235
00:08:38,500 --> 00:08:40,000
YOUR HONOR, YOUR GRACE...
236
00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:43,100
I'M NOT YOUR GRACE,
I'M YOUR ELSIE.
237
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:47,300
WHAT A TERRIBLE JOKE!
238
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:50,400
BUT IT'S MY ONLY LINE!
239
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:06,800
( choked gasping )
240
00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:08,600
( audience laughter )
241
00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:18,000
( man panting )
242
00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:21,600
( panting continues )
243
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,000
( laughter )
244
00:09:49,100 --> 00:09:52,100
( gasping andpanting )
245
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:54,800
WE WANT TO BUY
A BED, PLEASE.
246
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:56,200
OH, CERTAINLY.
247
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,200
I'LL GET SOMEONE
TO ATTEND TO YOU.
248
00:09:58,200 --> 00:09:59,600
MR. VERITY!
249
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,000
CAN I HELP
YOU, SIR?
250
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,900
AH, YES, WE'D LIKE
TO BUY A BED...
251
00:10:02,900 --> 00:10:04,600
A DOUBLE BED,
ABOUT $&50.
252
00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:06,000
OH, NO, I AM AFRAID NOT, SIR.
253
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,800
OUR CHEAPEST BED IS $&800, SIR.
254
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:09,200
EIGHT HUNDRED POUNDS!
255
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:11,400
OH, UH... PERHAPS
I SHOULD HAVE EXPLAINED.
256
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,200
MR. VERITY DOES
TEND TO EXAGGERATE
257
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:16,200
SO EVERY FIGURE HE GIVES YOU
WILL BE TEN TIMES TOO HIGH.
258
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,700
OTHERWISE HE'S PERFECTLY
ALL RIGHT, PERFECTLY.
259
00:10:18,700 --> 00:10:19,900
OH, I SEE.
260
00:10:22,700 --> 00:10:25,500
I SEE-- SO YOUR
CHEAPEST BED IS $&80?
261
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:26,800
$&800, YES, SIR.
262
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,000
AND HOW WIDE IS IT?
263
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:31,100
UH... THE WIDTH IS,
UH... 60 FEET WIDE.
264
00:10:31,100 --> 00:10:32,600
OH... SIX FOOT WIDE, EH?
265
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:33,600
AND THE LENGTH?
266
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:34,800
THE LENGTH IS, UM...
267
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:35,800
LAMBERT?
268
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,000
Lambert:
HMM?
269
00:10:37,100 --> 00:10:39,700
WHAT IS THE LENGTH OF
THE COMFYDOWN MAJORETTE?
270
00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:41,000
UH... TWO FOOT LONG.
271
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,400
TWO FOOT LONG?
272
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:44,400
AH, YES, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER,
OF COURSE
273
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:46,700
TO MULTIPLY EVERYTHING
MR. LAMBERT SAYS BY THREE.
274
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:49,000
UH... IT'S NOTHING HE CAN HELP,
YOU UNDERSTAND.
275
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,000
APART FROM THAT
HE'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT.
276
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,300
I SEE, I'M SORRY.
277
00:10:52,300 --> 00:10:53,700
BUT IT DOES MEAN
278
00:10:53,700 --> 00:10:55,900
THAT WHEN HE SAYS
A BED IS TWO FOOT WIDE
279
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,700
IT IS, IN FACT, 60 FEET WIDE.
280
00:10:57,800 --> 00:10:58,900
OH, YES, I SEE...
281
00:10:58,900 --> 00:11:00,500
AND THAT'S
NOT COUNTING
THE MATTRESS.
282
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:01,600
OH, HOW MUCH
IS THAT?
283
00:11:01,700 --> 00:11:03,500
LAMBERT WILL BE ABLE
TO HELP YOU THERE.
284
00:11:03,500 --> 00:11:04,500
LAMBERT?
285
00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:05,500
HMM?
286
00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:07,100
WILL YOU SHOW
THESE 20 GOOD PEOPLE
287
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,500
THE, UH...
DOG KENNEL PLEASE?
288
00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:09,500
CERTAINLY.
289
00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:10,500
DOG KENNEL?
NO, NO, NO.
290
00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:11,600
MATTRESSES,
MATTRESSES.
291
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:12,800
OH, NO, NO,
YOU HAVE TO SAY
292
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,500
"DOG KENNEL" TO MR. LAMBERT
293
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,600
BECAUSE IF YOU SAY "MATTRESS,"
HE PUTS A BAG OVER HIS HEAD.
294
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:19,200
I SHOULD HAVE EXPLAINED.
295
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:21,200
APART FROM THAT
HE'S REALLY ALL RIGHT.
296
00:11:21,300 --> 00:11:22,900
( light laughter )
297
00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:24,800
( giggling )
298
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:26,400
( trying to laugh )
299
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:30,100
UH... UM, UH,
WE'D LIKE TO SEE
THE DOG KENNELS, PLEASE.
300
00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:31,400
DOG KENNELS?
301
00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:33,000
YES, WE WANT TO SEE
THE DOG KENNELS.
302
00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:36,200
AH, YES, WELL, THAT'S
THE PETS DEPARTMENT,
SECOND FLOOR.
303
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:39,200
OH, NO, NO,
WE WANT TO SEE
THE DOG KENNELS.
304
00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:41,800
YES, PETS DEPARTMENT,
SECOND FLOOR.
305
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,200
NO, NO, NO, WE DON'T REALLY
WANT TO SEE DOG KENNELS
306
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,100
ONLY YOUR COLLEAGUE
SAID WE OUGHT TO...
307
00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:48,100
OH, DEAR, WHAT'S HE
BEEN TELLING YOU NOW?
308
00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:49,500
WELL, HE SAID
WE SHOULD SAY
309
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:51,500
"DOG KENNELS" TO YOU
INSTEAD OF "MATTRESS."
310
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:54,400
( laughter )
311
00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:56,800
OH, DEAR, HELLO, HELLO?
312
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:58,100
DID YOU SAY
"MATTRESS"?
313
00:11:58,200 --> 00:11:59,800
WELL, A LITTLE, YES.
314
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:02,400
I DID ASK YOU NOT
TO SAY "MATTRESS,"
DIDN'T I?
315
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:05,200
NOW I'VE GOT TO STAND
IN THE TEA CHEST.
316
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:08,200
( laughter )
317
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:13,000
AND DID THOSE FEET
IN ANCIENT TIMES
318
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,200
WALK UPON ENGLAND'S
MOUNTAINS GREEN...
319
00:12:15,300 --> 00:12:17,600
DID SOMEBODY
SAY "MATTRESS"
TO MR. LAMBERT?
320
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:20,900
Both:
AND WAS THE HOLY
LAMB OF GOD
321
00:12:20,900 --> 00:12:23,400
ON ENGLAND'S
PLEASANT...
322
00:12:27,900 --> 00:12:29,500
HE SHOULD BE
ALL RIGHT NOW.
323
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:31,600
BUT DON'T...
YOU KNOW, JUST DON'T.
324
00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:33,100
OH, NO, NO, NO.
325
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:36,500
UH...
326
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:39,800
WE'D LIKE TO SEE
THE DOG KENNELS, PLEASE.
327
00:12:39,900 --> 00:12:42,000
YES, SECOND FLOOR.
328
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:45,200
NO, NO, LOOK, THESE
DOG KENNELS HERE, SEE?
329
00:12:45,300 --> 00:12:46,600
MATTRESSES?
330
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,200
OH, YES!
331
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,600
WELL, IF YOU MEANT MATTRESS,
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY "MATTRESS"?
332
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:52,100
I MEAN, IT'S
VERY CONFUSING FOR ME
333
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,500
IF YOU GO AND SAY "DOG KENNELS"
WHEN YOU MEAN "MATTRESS."
334
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:55,900
WHY NOT JUST SAY "MATTRESS"?
335
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:58,000
WELL, I MEAN YOU PUT
A BAG OVER YOUR HEAD
336
00:12:58,000 --> 00:12:59,400
LAST TIME
I SAID "MATTRESS."
337
00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:00,800
( laughter )
338
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:05,300
BRING ME MY BOW
OF BURNING GOLD
339
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:09,100
BRING ME MY ARROWS
OF DESIRE
340
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:12,100
BRING ME MY SPEAR...
341
00:13:12,100 --> 00:13:14,300
DID SOMEBODY
SAY "MATTRESS"
TO MR. LAMBERT?
342
00:13:14,300 --> 00:13:15,400
TWICE.
343
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:16,700
HEY, EVERYBODY
344
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,200
SOMEBODY SAID "MATTRESS"
TO MR. LAMBERT TWICE!
345
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:25,000
I SHALL NOT CEASE
FROM MENTAL STRIFE
346
00:13:25,100 --> 00:13:29,500
NOR SHALL MY SWORD
SLEEP IN MY HAND...
347
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,100
WE NEED MORE!
348
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:36,500
( masses singing "Jerusalem" )
349
00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:43,900
ON ENGLAND'S GREEN
AND PLEASANT...
350
00:13:46,300 --> 00:13:48,400
NOW, UH...
CAN I HELP YOU?
351
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:50,000
WE WANT
A MATTRESS.
352
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,600
ALL:
OH, WHAT DID YOU
SAY THAT FOR?
353
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,400
BUT IT'S MY ONLY LINE!
354
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,100
ALL:
WELL, YOU DIDN'T
HAVE TO SAY IT.
355
00:13:58,100 --> 00:14:01,700
( high-pitched wailing )
356
00:14:01,700 --> 00:14:02,800
FULL FRONTAL NUDITY?
357
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,100
NOT IN THIS PART OF ESHER.
358
00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:08,100
( nasally ):
I WOULD ONLY PERFORM A SCENE
359
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:11,600
IN WHICH THERE WAS
TOTAL FRONTAL NUDITY.
360
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,400
NOW, I'VE NOTICED A TENDENCY
361
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,600
FOR THIS PROGRAM
TO GET RATHER SILLY.
362
00:14:15,700 --> 00:14:18,500
NOW, I DO MY BEST
TO KEEP THINGS MOVING ALONG
363
00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:21,000
BUT I'M NOT HAVING THINGS
GETTING SILLY.
364
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:24,200
THOSE LAST TWO SKETCHES I DID
GOT VERY SILLY INDEED
365
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:27,200
AND THAT LAST ONE
ABOUT THE BED WAS EVEN SILLIER.
366
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:30,000
NOW, NOBODY LIKES A GOOD LAUGH
MORE THAN I DO
367
00:14:30,100 --> 00:14:33,200
EXCEPT PERHAPS MY WIFE...
AND SOME OF HER FRIENDS.
368
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,200
OH, YES, AND CAPTAIN JOHNSON.
369
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:36,400
COME TO THINK OF IT
370
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:39,000
MOST PEOPLE LIKE
A GOOD LAUGH MORE THAN I DO
371
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,700
BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT.
372
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:43,800
NOW, LET'S HAVE A GOOD,
CLEAN, HEALTHY OUTDOOR SKETCH.
373
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,700
GET SOME AIR INTO YOUR LUNGS.
374
00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:47,400
TEN, NINE, EIGHT AND ALL THAT.
375
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,300
AH, YES, THAT'S BETTER.
376
00:14:50,300 --> 00:14:53,800
NOW, LET'S HOPE
THIS DOESN'T GET SILLY.
377
00:14:53,900 --> 00:14:56,400
HELLO, ARE YOU
A HERMIT BY
ANY CHANCE?
378
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,200
YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
379
00:14:58,200 --> 00:14:59,400
ARE YOU A HERMIT?
380
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:00,900
YES, I CERTAINLY AM.
381
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,000
WELL, I NEVER.
382
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,600
WHAT ARE YOU
GETTING AWAY FROM?
383
00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:05,000
OH, YOU KNOW,
THE USUAL--
384
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,600
PEOPLE, CHAT,
GOSSIP, YOU KNOW.
385
00:15:06,700 --> 00:15:09,100
OH, I CERTAINLY DO;
IT WAS THE SAME WITH ME.
386
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,900
I MEAN, THERE COMES A TIME
WHEN YOU REALIZE THERE'S NO GOOD
387
00:15:11,900 --> 00:15:13,100
FRITTERING YOUR
LIFE AWAY
388
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:15,100
IN IDLENESS
AND TRIVIAL CHITCHAT.
389
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:16,800
WHERE'S YOUR CAVE?
390
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,800
OH, UP THE GOAT TRACK,
FIRST ON THE LEFT.
391
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:20,900
OH, THEY'RE VERY NICE
UP THERE, AREN'T THEY?
392
00:15:20,900 --> 00:15:22,400
YES, THEY ARE,
I'VE GOT A BEAUTY.
393
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,000
A BIT DRAFTY, THOUGH,
AREN'T THEY?
394
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:25,800
NO, WE'VE HAD
OURS INSULATED.
395
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:26,800
OH, YES?
396
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,000
YES, I USED
BIRDS' NESTS, MOSS
397
00:15:28,100 --> 00:15:29,500
AND OAK LEAVES
ROUND THE OUTSIDE.
398
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:30,700
OH, SOUNDS MARVELOUS.
399
00:15:30,700 --> 00:15:32,300
OH, IT'S A TREAT,
IT REALLY IS
400
00:15:32,300 --> 00:15:35,000
'CAUSE OTHERWISE,
THOSE STONE CAVES
CAN BE SO GRIM.
401
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,800
YES, THEY REALLY
CAN BE, CAN'T THEY?
402
00:15:36,900 --> 00:15:37,900
THEY REALLY CAN.
403
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,000
MORNING, FRANK.
404
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:40,400
UH, MORNING,
NORMAN.
405
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,200
TALKING OF MOSS,
UH, YOU KNOW
MR. ROBINSON?
406
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:44,900
WITH THE, UH,
GREEN LOINCLOTH?
407
00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:46,400
UH, NO, THAT'S
MR. SEAGRAVE.
408
00:15:46,500 --> 00:15:47,800
MR. ROBINSON'S
THE HERMIT
409
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,400
WHO LODGES
WITH MR. SEAGRAVE.
410
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:50,600
OH, YES.
411
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,600
YES, WELL, HE'S
PUT ME ONTO WATTLES.
412
00:15:52,700 --> 00:15:53,700
REALLY?
413
00:15:53,700 --> 00:15:55,000
YES.
SWEARS BY THEM.
414
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:56,500
MORNING, FRANK.
415
00:15:56,500 --> 00:15:58,500
MORNING, LIONEL.
416
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:01,400
WELL, HE SAYS THAT MOSS TENDS
TO FALL OFF THE CAVE WALL
417
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:02,900
DURING COLD WEATHER.
418
00:16:02,900 --> 00:16:05,100
YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT GET
A REALLY BAD SPELL
419
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,400
AND HALF THE MOSS DROPS
OFF THE CAVE WALL
420
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:08,800
LEAVING YOU COLD.
421
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,300
OH, WELL,
MR. ROBINSON'S CAVE
422
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,400
HAS NEVER BEEN
EXACTLY NIRVANA,
HAS IT?
423
00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:14,000
WELL, QUITE,
THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
424
00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:16,100
ANYWAY, MR. ROGERS,
HE'S THE, UH, HERMIT...
425
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:17,100
ON THE END.
426
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:18,300
UP AT THE TOP, YES.
427
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:19,400
WELL, HE TRIED WATTLES
428
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:20,800
AND HE CAME OUT IN A RASH.
429
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:22,000
REALLY?
430
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,000
YES, AND THERE'S ME
WITH HALF A WALL WATTLED.
431
00:16:24,100 --> 00:16:25,100
I MEAN, WHAT'LL I DO?
432
00:16:25,100 --> 00:16:26,800
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
TRY BIRDS' NESTS
433
00:16:26,900 --> 00:16:27,800
LIKE I'VE DONE?
434
00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:29,400
OR ELSE DEAD BRACKEN.
435
00:16:29,500 --> 00:16:30,700
Man:
FRANK!
436
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,000
YES, HAN.
437
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,500
CAN I BORROW YOUR GOAT?
438
00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:35,100
UH, YES, THAT'LL
BE ALL RIGHT.
439
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,600
OH, LEAVE ME A PINT
FOR BREAKFAST, WILL YOU?
440
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,100
YOU KNOW, THAT'S
THE TROUBLE
441
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:41,000
WITH LIVING
HALFWAY UP A CLIFF--
442
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,400
YOU FEEL SO CUT OFF.
443
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:45,000
YOU KNOW, IT TAKES ME
TWO HOURS EVERY MORNING
444
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,400
TO GET OUT
ONTO THE MOORS
445
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,400
COLLECT MY BERRIES,
CHASTISE MYSELF
446
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,200
AND TWO HOURS
BACK IN THE EVENING.
447
00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:52,900
STILL, THERE'S
ONE THING ABOUT
BEING A HERMIT--
448
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,100
AT LEAST YOU
MEET PEOPLE.
449
00:16:55,100 --> 00:16:56,500
OH, YES, I
WOULDN'T GO BACK
450
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,200
TO PUBLIC RELATIONS.
451
00:16:58,300 --> 00:17:00,100
OH, WELL, BYE
FOR NOW, FRANK.
MUST TODDLE.
452
00:17:00,100 --> 00:17:01,200
RIGHT, YOU
TWO HERMITS
453
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:02,400
STOP THAT
SKETCH.
454
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:03,400
I THINK
IT'S SILLY.
455
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,700
GO ON, STOP IT,
IT'S SILLY.
456
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:06,900
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU CAN'T STOP IT;
IT'S ON FILM.
457
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:08,300
THAT DOESN'T MAKE
ANY DIFFERENCE
458
00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:09,600
TO THE VIEWER
AT HOME, DOES IT?
459
00:17:09,700 --> 00:17:10,600
GO ON, GET OUT.
460
00:17:10,700 --> 00:17:12,500
( all shouting at once )
461
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:14,900
GET OFF, GO ON,
ALL OF YOU.
462
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,700
GO ON,
MOVE, MOVE!
463
00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:18,100
GO ON, GET OUT.
464
00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:22,800
( others protesting )
465
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:24,700
GO ON, GET OUT.
MOVE, MOVE.
466
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:30,800
Man:
MOVE, MOVE!
467
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,600
( commotion )
468
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,000
( laughter )
469
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:57,000
( old recording of
swing song begins playing )
470
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,200
( door opens,
shop bell tinkles )
471
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,900
HELLO, I WISH TO
REGISTER A COMPLAINT.
472
00:18:11,900 --> 00:18:13,400
HELLO? MISS?
473
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:14,800
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "MISS"?
474
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:16,400
OH, I'M SORRY,
I HAVE A COLD.
475
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:17,800
I WISH TO MAKE
A COMPLAINT.
476
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:19,500
SORRY, WE'RE
CLOSING FOR LUNCH.
477
00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:20,800
NEVER MIND
THAT, MY LAD
478
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:21,900
I WISH
TO COMPLAIN
479
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,800
ABOUT THIS PARROT
WHAT I PURCHASED
480
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:26,400
NOT HALF AN HOUR AGO
FROM THIS VERY BOUTIQUE.
481
00:18:26,500 --> 00:18:28,400
OH, YES, THE NORWEGIAN BLUE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
482
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,200
I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT.
483
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:32,300
IT'S DEAD,
THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT.
484
00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:33,900
NO, NO, IT'S
RESTING, LOOK.
485
00:18:33,900 --> 00:18:36,400
LOOK, MY LAD, I
KNOW A DEAD PARROT
WHEN I SEE ONE
486
00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:38,100
AND I'M LOOKING
AT ONE RIGHT NOW.
487
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,300
NO, NO, SIR, IT'S
NOT DEAD, IT'S RESTING.
488
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:41,500
RESTING?
489
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:43,700
YEAH, REMARKABLE BIRD,
THE NORWEGIAN BLUE
490
00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:45,200
BEAUTIFUL PLUMAGE, ISN'T IT?
491
00:18:45,300 --> 00:18:48,600
THE PLUMAGE DON'T ENTER
INTO IT-- IT'S STONE DEAD.
492
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:49,700
NO, NO, IT'S RESTING.
493
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:54,400
ALL RIGHT, THEN, IF IT'S
RESTING, I'LL WAKE IT UP.
494
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:55,800
HELLO, POLLY!
495
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:58,300
I'VE GOT A NICE CUTTLEFISH
FOR YOU WHEN YOU WAKE UP
496
00:18:58,400 --> 00:18:59,600
POLLY PARROT!
497
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:00,600
THERE,
IT MOVED.
498
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:01,600
NO, IT DIDN'T.
499
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,300
THAT WAS YOU PUSHING THE CAGE.
500
00:19:03,300 --> 00:19:03,900
I DID NOT!
501
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,700
YES, YOU DID.
502
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,400
HELLO, POLLY!
503
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:10,500
POLLY!
504
00:19:11,700 --> 00:19:13,700
POLLY PARROT,
WAKE UP!
505
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,000
POLLY!
506
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:21,300
NOW, THAT'S
WHAT I CALL
A DEAD PARROT.
507
00:19:21,300 --> 00:19:23,400
NO, NO, IT'S STUNNED.
508
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:24,800
LOOK, MY LAD,
I'VE HAD
509
00:19:24,900 --> 00:19:26,500
JUST ABOUT
ENOUGH OF THIS.
510
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,600
THAT PARROT
IS DEFINITELY DECEASED.
511
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:31,000
AND WHEN I BOUGHT IT
NOT HALF AN HOUR AGO
512
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,300
YOU ASSURED ME
THAT ITS LACK OF MOVEMENT
513
00:19:33,300 --> 00:19:36,900
WAS DUE TO IT BEING TIRED AND
SHAGGED OUT AFTER A LONG SQUAWK.
514
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,400
WELL, SIR...
515
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,400
IT'S PROBABLY PINING
FOR THE FJORDS.
516
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:42,800
"PINING FOR THE FJORDS"?
517
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,400
WHAT KIND OF TALK IS THAT?
518
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,700
LOOK, WHY DID IT FALL
FLAT ON ITS BACK
519
00:19:46,700 --> 00:19:48,200
THE MOMENT I GOT IT HOME?
520
00:19:48,300 --> 00:19:50,700
THE NORWEGIAN BLUE PREFERS
KIPPING ON ITS BACK.
521
00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:52,700
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL BIRD,
LOVELY PLUMAGE.
522
00:19:52,700 --> 00:19:55,300
LOOK, I TOOK THE LIBERTY
OF EXAMINING THAT PARROT
523
00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:57,200
AND I DISCOVERED
THAT THE ONLY REASON
524
00:19:57,200 --> 00:20:00,200
THAT IT HAD BEEN SITTING
ON ITS PERCH IN THE FIRST PLACE
525
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,300
WAS THAT IT HAD BEEN
NAILED THERE.
526
00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:04,400
( loud laughter )
527
00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:05,900
WELL, OF COURSE
IT WAS NAILED THERE.
528
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,200
OTHERWISE IT WOULD MUSCLE UP
TO THOSE BARS AND... VOOM!
529
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,400
LOOK, MATEY...
530
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:14,100
THIS PARROT
WOULDN'T VOOM
531
00:20:14,100 --> 00:20:16,600
IF I PUT 4,000
VOLTS THROUGH IT.
532
00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:18,100
IT'S BLEEDING DEMISED.
533
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,100
IT'S NOT,
IT'S PINING.
534
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:23,100
IT'S NOT PINING,
IT'S PASSED ON.
535
00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:26,100
THIS PARROT
IS NO MORE.
536
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,900
IT HAS CEASED TO BE.
537
00:20:28,900 --> 00:20:32,600
IT'S EXPIRED AND GONE
TO MEET ITS MAKER.
538
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:35,000
THIS IS A LATE PARROT.
539
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,300
( laughter )
540
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,500
IT'S A STIFF.
541
00:20:38,500 --> 00:20:40,600
BEREFT OF LIFE,
IT RESTS IN PEACE.
542
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:42,800
IF YOU HADN'T NAILED IT
TO THE PERCH
543
00:20:42,900 --> 00:20:45,000
IT WOULD BE PUSHING UP
THE DAISIES.
544
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:48,700
IT'S RUNG DOWN THE CURTAIN
AND JOINED THE CHOIR INVISIBLE.
545
00:20:48,700 --> 00:20:51,800
THIS IS AN EX-PARROT.
546
00:20:51,900 --> 00:20:53,100
( laughter )
547
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,900
WELL, I'D BETTER
REPLACE IT, THEN.
548
00:20:55,900 --> 00:20:58,400
IF YOU WANT TO GET
ANYTHING DONE IN THIS COUNTRY
549
00:20:58,500 --> 00:21:01,200
YOU'VE GOT TO COMPLAIN
TILL YOU'RE BLUE IN THE MOUTH.
550
00:21:01,300 --> 00:21:03,600
SORRY, GUV, WE'RE
RIGHT OUT OF PARROTS.
551
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:06,400
I SEE, I SEE,
I GET THE PICTURE.
552
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:07,800
I'VE GOT A SLUG.
553
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:09,300
( laughter )
554
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:10,900
DOES IT TALK?
555
00:21:10,900 --> 00:21:12,400
NOT REALLY, NO.
556
00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:14,800
WELL, IT'S SCARCELY
A REPLACEMENT, THEN, IS IT?
557
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:16,800
LISTEN, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT, TELL YOU WHAT
558
00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:19,000
IF YOU GO TO MY BROTHER'S
PET SHOP IN BOLTON
559
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,700
HE'LL REPLACE
YOUR PARROT FOR YOU.
560
00:21:20,700 --> 00:21:21,700
BOLTON, EH?
561
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:22,900
YEAH.
562
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,000
ALL RIGHT.
563
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:25,500
( shop bell tinkles )
564
00:21:29,300 --> 00:21:30,800
( shop bell tinkles )
565
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:35,200
( whistling quietly )
566
00:21:44,500 --> 00:21:45,800
UH, EXCUSE ME.
567
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:47,600
THIS IS BOLTON,
IS IT?
568
00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:49,900
NO, NO, IT'S,
UH, IPSWICH.
569
00:21:49,900 --> 00:21:52,500
THAT'S INTER-CITY RAIL FOR YOU.
570
00:21:52,500 --> 00:21:53,600
( laughter )
571
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:56,400
( bell tinkles, door closes )
572
00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:58,900
( man whistling )
573
00:21:58,900 --> 00:22:01,800
I WISH TO MAKE
A COMPLAINT.
574
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:04,300
I DON'T HAVE
TO DO THIS, YOU KNOW.
575
00:22:04,300 --> 00:22:05,600
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
576
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,200
I'M A QUALIFIED
BRAIN SURGEON.
577
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:09,800
I ONLY DO THIS
BECAUSE I LIKE
BEING ME OWN BOSS.
578
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:12,200
UH, EXCUSE ME, THIS IS
IRRELEVANT, ISN'T IT?
579
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:13,500
OH, YEAH, IT'S NOT EASY
580
00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:15,200
TO PAD THESE OUT
TO 30 MINUTES.
581
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:17,200
WELL, I WISH
TO MAKE A COMPLAINT.
582
00:22:17,300 --> 00:22:18,800
I GOT ON
THE BOLTON TRAIN
583
00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:21,400
AND FOUND MYSELF
DEPOSITED HERE
IN IPSWICH.
584
00:22:21,500 --> 00:22:23,500
NO, THIS IS BOLTON.
585
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:26,300
THE PET SHOP OWNER'S
BROTHER WAS LYING.
586
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:28,700
WELL, YOU CAN'T BLAME
BRITISH RAIL FOR THAT.
587
00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:30,400
IF THIS IS BOLTON
588
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:32,200
I SHALL RETURN
TO THE PET SHOP.
589
00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:35,300
( laughter )
590
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:37,800
( shop bell tinkles )
591
00:22:41,700 --> 00:22:44,800
I UNDERSTAND
THAT THIS IS BOLTON.
592
00:22:44,900 --> 00:22:46,100
YEAH.
593
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,300
WELL, YOU TOLD ME
IT WAS IPSWICH.
594
00:22:49,500 --> 00:22:51,500
IT WAS A PUN.
595
00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:53,100
( laughter )
596
00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:54,200
A PUN?
597
00:22:54,300 --> 00:22:55,700
NO, NO, NOT A PUN, NO.
598
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:58,500
WHAT'S THE OTHER THING
WHICH READS THE SAME BACKWARDS
599
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:00,100
AS FORWARDS?
600
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:01,700
A PALINDROME?
601
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:03,300
YEAH, YEAH.
602
00:23:03,300 --> 00:23:04,800
IT'S NOT A PALINDROME.
603
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:07,400
THE PALINDROME OF BOLTON
WOULD BE "NOTLOB."
604
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:08,800
IT DON'T WORK.
605
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:10,300
LOOK, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
606
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:11,800
NO, I'M SORRY.
607
00:23:11,900 --> 00:23:14,800
I'M NOT PREPARED TO PURSUE
MY LINE OF INQUIRY ANY FURTHER
608
00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:16,700
AS I THINK
THIS IS GETTING TOO SILLY.
609
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:18,600
QUITE AGREE,
QUITE AGREE.
610
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:20,000
SILLY,
SILLY, SILLY.
611
00:23:20,100 --> 00:23:22,400
RIGHT, GET ON
WITH IT.
612
00:23:22,500 --> 00:23:23,700
GET ON
WITH IT!
613
00:23:26,500 --> 00:23:29,700
OH... UH... OH, I'M SORRY.
614
00:23:29,700 --> 00:23:32,500
UH... AND NOW, UM...
615
00:23:32,500 --> 00:23:34,900
FRONTAL NUDITY.
616
00:23:38,300 --> 00:23:41,100
( laughter )
617
00:23:58,100 --> 00:24:01,700
OH, OH, I'M SORRY,
I THOUGHT THE FILM WAS LONGER.
618
00:24:01,700 --> 00:24:04,400
UH... UH, NOW, NOTLOB...
UH, BOLTON.
619
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:08,800
Narrator:
THIS IS A FRIGHTENED CITY.
620
00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:13,400
OVER THESE HOUSES, OVER THESE
STREETS HANGS A PALL OF FEAR
621
00:24:13,500 --> 00:24:18,200
FEAR OF A NEW KIND OF VIOLENCE
WHICH IS TERRORIZING THE CITY.
622
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:25,700
YES, GANGS OF OLD LADIES
623
00:24:25,700 --> 00:24:28,500
ATTACKING DEFENSELESS,
FIT YOUNG MEN.
624
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:32,700
( men groaning )
625
00:24:32,700 --> 00:24:34,600
TAKE THAT!
626
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:39,000
( sinister musicplaying )
627
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:43,000
Man:
WELL, THEY COME UP TO YOU,
LIKE, AND PUSH YOU, YOU KNOW
628
00:24:43,100 --> 00:24:45,300
SHOVE YOU OFF
THE PAVEMENT, LIKE.
629
00:24:45,300 --> 00:24:47,800
THERE'S USUALLY
FOUR OR FIVE OF THEM.
630
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:51,300
Man 2:
YEAH, THIS... THIS USED TO BE
A NICE NEIGHBORHOOD
631
00:24:51,300 --> 00:24:53,900
BEFORE THE OLD LADIES
STARTED MOVING IN.
632
00:24:53,900 --> 00:24:57,400
NOWADAYS SOME OF US DAREN'T
EVEN GO DOWN TO THE SHOPS.
633
00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:00,600
WELL, MR. JOHNSON'S SON KEVIN,
HE DON'T GO OUT ANYMORE.
634
00:25:00,700 --> 00:25:04,200
HE COMES BACK FROM WRESTLING
AND LOCKS HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM.
635
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:14,400
( old ladies snickering )
636
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:20,200
Narrator:
WHAT ARE THEY IN IT FOR
637
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:22,800
THESE OLD HOODLUMS,
THESE LAYABOUTS IN LACE?
638
00:25:22,900 --> 00:25:26,000
OLd Lady:
WELL, IT... IT'S
SOMETHING TO DO, ISN'T IT?
639
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:28,200
OLd Lady 2:
IT'S GOOD FUN.
640
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:32,000
OLd Lady 3:
IT'S... IT'S LIKE, UH...
YOU KNOW...
641
00:25:32,100 --> 00:25:34,600
WELL, ISN'T IT, EH?
642
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:39,100
Narrator:
FAVORITE TARGETS FOR THE
OLD LADIES ARE TELEPHONE KIOSKS.
643
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:41,800
( all snickering )
644
00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:44,000
( audience laughter )
645
00:25:45,100 --> 00:25:48,000
WELL, COME ON,
COME ON, OFF WITH YOU.
646
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:50,800
CLEAR OUT, COME ON,
GET OUT OF IT.
647
00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:55,600
WE HAVE A LOT OF TROUBLE
WITH THESE OLDIES.
648
00:25:55,700 --> 00:25:57,800
PENSION DAY'S THE WORST--
THEY GO MAD.
649
00:25:57,900 --> 00:26:00,400
AS SOON AS THEY GET
THEIR HANDS ON THEIR MONEY
650
00:26:00,500 --> 00:26:04,200
THEY BLOW IT ALL ON MILK, BREAD,
TEA, TIN OF MEAT FOR THE CAT.
651
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:07,300
WELL, YES, WELL, OF COURSE,
COME THE 2:00 MATINEE
652
00:26:07,300 --> 00:26:08,900
ALL THE OLD BAGS ARE IN THERE
653
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,900
ESPECIALLY IF IT'S SOMETHING
LIKE THE SOUND OFMUSIC.
654
00:26:11,900 --> 00:26:14,300
WE GET SEATS RIPPED UP,
HEARING AIDS BROKEN
655
00:26:14,300 --> 00:26:16,100
ALL THAT SORT OF THING.
656
00:26:21,100 --> 00:26:24,400
THE WHOLE PROBLEM
OF THESE SENILE DELINQUENTS
657
00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:26,800
LIES IN THEIR COMPLETE REJECTION
658
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,500
OF THE VALUES
OF CONTEMPORARY SOCIETY.
659
00:26:29,500 --> 00:26:33,700
THEY'VE SEEN THEIR CHILDREN
GROW UP AND BECOME ACCOUNTANTS
660
00:26:33,700 --> 00:26:36,100
STOCKBROKERS
AND EVEN SOCIOLOGISTS
661
00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:39,400
AND THEY BEGIN TO WONDER,
IS IT ALL REALLY...
662
00:26:39,500 --> 00:26:41,800
( narrator screaming
while falling )
663
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:45,200
( laughter )
664
00:26:45,300 --> 00:26:48,600
OH, WELL, WE SOMETIMES FEEL
WE'RE TO BLAME IN SOME WAY
665
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:50,300
FOR WHAT OUR GRAN'S BECOME.
666
00:26:50,300 --> 00:26:52,700
I MEAN, SHE USED
TO BE QUITE HAPPY HERE
667
00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:55,200
UNTIL SHE... SHE STARTED
ON THE CROCHET.
668
00:26:55,300 --> 00:26:56,400
Interviewer:
CROCHET?
669
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,200
YEAH, NOW SHE
CAN'T DO WITHOUT IT.
670
00:26:58,300 --> 00:27:00,200
20 BALLS OF WOOL
A DAY, SOMETIMES.
671
00:27:00,300 --> 00:27:02,600
IF SHE CAN'T GET THE WOOL,
SHE GETS VIOLENT.
672
00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:04,000
WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?
673
00:27:04,100 --> 00:27:07,300
( engines revving )
674
00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:21,400
( laughter )
675
00:27:21,500 --> 00:27:24,500
Narrator:
BUT THIS IS NOT JUST
AN OLD LADIES' TOWN.
676
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:26,800
THERE ARE OTHER
EQUALLY DANGEROUS GANGS
677
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:29,500
SUCH AS THE BABY SNATCHERS.
678
00:27:31,300 --> 00:27:33,300
( babies bawling )
679
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:40,000
I JUST LEFT MY HUSBAND
OUTSIDE HERE
680
00:27:40,100 --> 00:27:42,000
WHILE I WENT IN
TO DO SOME SHOPPING
681
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:43,800
AND I CAME BACK AND HE WAS GONE.
682
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:45,800
HE WAS ONLY 47.
683
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:47,700
( sobbing )
684
00:27:47,700 --> 00:27:53,800
Narrator:
AND ON THE ROADS, TOO, VICIOUS
GANGS OF "KEEP LEFT" SIGNS.
685
00:27:57,400 --> 00:27:58,900
RIGHT, RIGHT,
STOP IT.
686
00:27:58,900 --> 00:28:00,300
THIS FILM'S
GOT SILLY.
687
00:28:00,300 --> 00:28:02,200
STARTED OFF WITH
A NICE LITTLE IDEA
688
00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:04,100
ABOUT GRANNIES
ATTACKING YOUNG MEN
689
00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:05,500
BUT NOW IT'S GOT SILLY.
690
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,900
THIS MAN'S HAIR IS TOO LONG
FOR A VICAR, TOO.
691
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:09,800
THESE SIGNS ARE
PRETTY BADLY MADE.
692
00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:12,600
RIGHT, NOW FOR
A COMPLETE CHANGE OF MOOD.
693
00:28:12,700 --> 00:28:15,600
I'VE HEARD OF UNISEX
BUT I'VE NEVER HAD IT.
694
00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:20,500
Man:
DAVID HEMMINGS APPEARED
695
00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:23,300
BY PERMISSION OF THE
NATIONAL FORESTRY COMMISSION.
696
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:24,800
( laughter )
48183
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