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1
00:00:02,276 --> 00:00:03,691
Merry Christmas Eve, Alex.
2
00:00:03,711 --> 00:00:05,277
So, he's still alive...
3
00:00:05,313 --> 00:00:07,847
Must mean you haven't told
Mom you're pregnant yet.
4
00:00:07,882 --> 00:00:10,449
We want to be careful to do it right.
5
00:00:10,485 --> 00:00:11,951
Now you're being careful?
6
00:00:11,986 --> 00:00:13,519
I can't keep this secret anymore.
7
00:00:13,554 --> 00:00:14,520
Look at me!
8
00:00:14,555 --> 00:00:16,322
- [Gasps]
- Ugh. She's going gray.
9
00:00:16,357 --> 00:00:17,857
Oh my God, she is!
10
00:00:17,892 --> 00:00:19,391
I was just gasping at the haircut.
11
00:00:19,427 --> 00:00:23,129
Apparently, this is what
happens when I feel stress now.
12
00:00:23,164 --> 00:00:24,930
Well, we're telling them today, okay?
13
00:00:24,966 --> 00:00:26,365
That way, if Mom freaks,
14
00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:29,068
she'll have 10 days in
Bermuda to calm down.
15
00:00:29,103 --> 00:00:30,603
Okay, then go now!
16
00:00:30,638 --> 00:00:32,638
She's never in a better
mood than on Christmas Eve.
17
00:00:32,673 --> 00:00:34,273
Wait, is this a good way to tell her?
18
00:00:34,308 --> 00:00:36,142
We hang a stocking for "Grandma Claire,"
19
00:00:36,177 --> 00:00:37,610
and when she goes, "I'm not a grandma,"
20
00:00:37,645 --> 00:00:39,879
we go,
"Tell that to Haley and my's baby."
21
00:00:41,415 --> 00:00:43,849
Promise me you won't
home school this kid.
22
00:00:45,353 --> 00:00:46,919
Hey, Mom. What are you doing?
23
00:00:46,954 --> 00:00:50,189
Ugh, Christmas cards are just clutter.
24
00:00:50,224 --> 00:00:51,357
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
25
00:00:51,392 --> 00:00:52,892
You can't throw away Uncle Cam's card.
26
00:00:52,927 --> 00:00:56,195
You know how sensitive he gets
about his piano placement.
27
00:00:56,230 --> 00:00:58,097
Remember that one year where his card
28
00:00:58,132 --> 00:01:00,866
was slightly behind the one
from our old babysitter?
29
00:01:00,902 --> 00:01:02,902
Mm, I believe
he spoke the charming phrase,
30
00:01:02,937 --> 00:01:04,403
"And who is this whore?"
31
00:01:04,438 --> 00:01:06,639
Well, Christmas
is at Grandpa's this year,
32
00:01:06,674 --> 00:01:09,975
so Cam will never see it.
33
00:01:10,011 --> 00:01:11,710
Dylan:
Check out the sledding polar bear paper.
34
00:01:11,746 --> 00:01:13,479
Can't look at that and not
be in a good mood, huh?
35
00:01:13,514 --> 00:01:14,313
Yeah.
36
00:01:14,348 --> 00:01:16,215
I am so sick of that stuff.
37
00:01:16,250 --> 00:01:19,018
I ordered five rolls from
some kid for a school drive.
38
00:01:19,053 --> 00:01:21,821
He shows up with fifty... his fault.
39
00:01:21,856 --> 00:01:22,988
Kid bursts into tears.
40
00:01:23,024 --> 00:01:25,024
Like it's on me that he can't count?
41
00:01:25,059 --> 00:01:27,226
- I was six, Mom.
- Mm.
42
00:01:29,664 --> 00:01:31,964
Bermuda just gets it...
43
00:01:31,999 --> 00:01:33,899
formal yet casual.
44
00:01:33,935 --> 00:01:35,901
And home of the most perfectly tanned
45
00:01:35,937 --> 00:01:38,304
lower thigh,
upper knee region in the world.
46
00:01:38,339 --> 00:01:40,639
Not hard to pick out a
Bermudan in a locker room.
47
00:01:40,675 --> 00:01:43,042
- [Cellphone chimes]
- No. Oh, hang on.
48
00:01:43,077 --> 00:01:45,644
Wait. Well, this can't be right.
49
00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,646
This itinerary says
we're on four flights
50
00:01:47,682 --> 00:01:48,848
with three layovers.
51
00:01:48,883 --> 00:01:50,216
Oh, yeah, um...
52
00:01:50,251 --> 00:01:52,785
remember how I found that
amazing airline deal online?
53
00:01:52,820 --> 00:01:55,688
Yeah, but two of these
layovers are six hours each.
54
00:01:55,723 --> 00:01:57,590
Yes, but the third one's
only 12 minutes.
55
00:01:57,625 --> 00:01:58,924
But it's at O'Hare.
56
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,226
Honey, we'll have to sprint
57
00:02:00,261 --> 00:02:01,594
from one end of the
airport to the other.
58
00:02:01,629 --> 00:02:04,196
It'll all be worth it when
we wake up on December 27th
59
00:02:04,232 --> 00:02:06,866
in Bermuda,
where the forecast predicts...
60
00:02:06,901 --> 00:02:08,634
hot fog.
61
00:02:08,669 --> 00:02:09,969
Can't we just take a direct flight?
62
00:02:10,004 --> 00:02:12,137
There's no changes,
the terms were very clear.
63
00:02:12,173 --> 00:02:14,240
It was part of a promotion
for a new website
64
00:02:14,275 --> 00:02:15,507
called Tickets.Plane.
65
00:02:15,543 --> 00:02:17,142
[Cellphone chimes]
66
00:02:17,178 --> 00:02:18,911
Oh, yeah, I have a showing
right down the street.
67
00:02:18,946 --> 00:02:20,479
Okay. Wait, hang on.
68
00:02:20,514 --> 00:02:21,380
Don't leave. Don't leave.
69
00:02:21,415 --> 00:02:23,449
What is Economy Minus?
70
00:02:23,484 --> 00:02:26,118
A plus, actually,
71
00:02:26,153 --> 00:02:28,187
since no one's jealous of
people with aisle seats,
72
00:02:28,222 --> 00:02:32,291
because it's basically two
innovative 18-person benches
73
00:02:32,326 --> 00:02:33,325
facing each other.
74
00:02:34,362 --> 00:02:35,461
Phil?!
75
00:02:37,231 --> 00:02:38,197
What?
76
00:02:38,232 --> 00:02:39,231
Nothing.
77
00:02:48,342 --> 00:02:51,310
♪
78
00:02:55,416 --> 00:02:56,916
Who moved Cam's card?
79
00:02:56,951 --> 00:02:59,718
He's gonna be very upset
if he's not on the mantel!
80
00:02:59,754 --> 00:03:01,120
I put it in a drawer until he gets here.
81
00:03:01,155 --> 00:03:02,688
That glitter was getting on everything.
82
00:03:02,723 --> 00:03:04,990
I breathed some of that in.
83
00:03:05,026 --> 00:03:06,859
- I cough gold now.
- [Door closes]
84
00:03:06,894 --> 00:03:09,695
Gloria, you got a package from Colombia.
85
00:03:09,730 --> 00:03:11,697
Must mean the government
took back the airstrip.
86
00:03:11,732 --> 00:03:15,734
Those are the gifts from my cousins!
87
00:03:15,770 --> 00:03:18,504
[Gasps] Beautiful!
88
00:03:18,539 --> 00:03:22,975
Back home we call these
suéteres de Navidad.
89
00:03:23,010 --> 00:03:24,677
So... Christmas sweaters.
90
00:03:24,712 --> 00:03:28,180
Put them on so we can take a picture.
91
00:03:28,215 --> 00:03:30,115
Wow, these are really soft.
92
00:03:30,151 --> 00:03:31,917
Damn cozy is what they are.
93
00:03:31,953 --> 00:03:35,287
Oh, look,
they also sent a banana leaf wreath.
94
00:03:35,323 --> 00:03:37,289
[Shouts] Banana spider!
95
00:03:37,325 --> 00:03:38,457
- What?!
- What is that?!
96
00:03:38,492 --> 00:03:40,292
It's a deadly spider! It will kill you!
97
00:03:40,328 --> 00:03:41,226
I know what deadly means!
98
00:03:41,262 --> 00:03:42,294
Well, where'd it go?
99
00:03:42,330 --> 00:03:43,429
I'm wearing backless house slippers!
100
00:03:43,464 --> 00:03:44,263
I think it ran over to the...
101
00:03:46,233 --> 00:03:48,267
He took the tree!
102
00:03:48,302 --> 00:03:50,569
Am I the only one who feels kinda itchy?
103
00:03:50,604 --> 00:03:52,071
- The sweaters.
- [Shouts]
104
00:03:52,106 --> 00:03:54,273
Where there's one, there's many!
105
00:03:54,308 --> 00:03:55,074
- Run!
- Let's go!
106
00:03:55,109 --> 00:03:56,475
[Clears throat]
107
00:03:56,510 --> 00:03:58,310
[Sirens blaring on TV]
108
00:03:58,346 --> 00:03:59,878
Dear God, he's got the remote.
109
00:04:01,082 --> 00:04:02,982
Okay, smile!
110
00:04:03,017 --> 00:04:04,616
Can we go look at phones after this?
111
00:04:04,652 --> 00:04:07,353
No, Lily, you are not getting
a cell phone for Christmas.
112
00:04:07,388 --> 00:04:09,021
They're expensive,
and you haven't proven yourself
113
00:04:09,056 --> 00:04:11,290
responsible enough to own one yet.
114
00:04:11,325 --> 00:04:14,159
Uh, I was responsible enough
to come to a foreign country
115
00:04:14,195 --> 00:04:15,594
and build a life with two strangers.
116
00:04:15,629 --> 00:04:17,997
Okay, you used that one to get
a later bedtime, all right?
117
00:04:18,032 --> 00:04:19,865
Oh, Cal, you're next.
118
00:04:19,900 --> 00:04:21,367
Ho, ho, ho.
119
00:04:21,402 --> 00:04:23,902
We want Cal to have a perfect Christmas.
120
00:04:23,938 --> 00:04:26,038
It's tough with his mom being in prison.
121
00:04:26,073 --> 00:04:29,975
Plus, his holiday season kind
of got off to a rough start.
122
00:04:30,011 --> 00:04:32,411
You know, of all
of our wonderful ornament selects,
123
00:04:32,446 --> 00:04:33,746
these are my fave.
124
00:04:33,781 --> 00:04:34,947
Merry Christmas!
125
00:04:34,982 --> 00:04:37,116
From Mitch and Cam!
126
00:04:37,151 --> 00:04:39,718
♪ Up on the rooftop, reindeer pause ♪
127
00:04:39,754 --> 00:04:42,187
♪ Out jumps good old Santa Claus ♪
128
00:04:42,223 --> 00:04:44,690
♪ Down through the chimney
with lots of toys ♪
129
00:04:44,725 --> 00:04:47,092
♪ All for the little ones'
Christmas joy ♪
130
00:04:47,128 --> 00:04:49,595
♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? ♪
131
00:04:49,730 --> 00:04:52,097
♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? ♪
132
00:04:52,133 --> 00:04:54,533
♪ Up on the housetop,
click, click, click ♪
133
00:04:56,337 --> 00:04:58,303
- He was fine. Fine!
- He was fine.
134
00:04:58,339 --> 00:04:59,938
We barely got through three verses
135
00:04:59,974 --> 00:05:02,241
and a repeat chorus before
we realized our mistake.
136
00:05:02,276 --> 00:05:04,476
- Although that rainstorm came out of nowhere.
- Yeah.
137
00:05:04,512 --> 00:05:07,279
[Chuckles] Merry Christmas, little Cal!
138
00:05:07,314 --> 00:05:09,515
Lily, take your cousin over there.
Relax a little.
139
00:05:09,550 --> 00:05:10,416
Okay, go.
140
00:05:10,451 --> 00:05:11,784
- Hi!
- Hi!
141
00:05:11,819 --> 00:05:14,219
Hey, Santa. So, just wondering
if you could you do us a favor
142
00:05:14,255 --> 00:05:17,656
and tell us what our nephew
just asked for for Christmas?
143
00:05:17,691 --> 00:05:19,224
I know you. You're that lawyer.
144
00:05:19,260 --> 00:05:20,726
Oh, no. This is never good.
145
00:05:20,761 --> 00:05:23,328
You're the ADA who charged
me with public intoxication.
146
00:05:23,364 --> 00:05:25,864
Got me sentenced to fifty
hours community service...
147
00:05:25,900 --> 00:05:27,900
working as a mall Santa is part of it.
148
00:05:27,935 --> 00:05:30,803
Okay. Well, I'm sorry.
But can't we move past that?
149
00:05:30,838 --> 00:05:33,138
We really need to know
what our nephew asked for.
150
00:05:33,174 --> 00:05:35,240
He asked for a more
lenient justice system.
151
00:05:35,276 --> 00:05:37,476
Well, I doubt that.
He's pretty conservative.
152
00:05:37,511 --> 00:05:39,244
We have to pretend to be roommates.
153
00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:40,512
Can we move this along?
154
00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:42,514
I only have my kids for
four hours this week.
155
00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:44,316
Merry Christmas.
156
00:05:44,351 --> 00:05:46,151
- [Sighs]
- You know what? As a former mall Santa,
157
00:05:46,187 --> 00:05:48,187
I vowed never to comment
on a sitting Santa,
158
00:05:48,222 --> 00:05:50,155
but you're a disgrace
to the red and white.
159
00:05:51,292 --> 00:05:52,891
Phil, I just got
off the phone with my dad.
160
00:05:52,927 --> 00:05:54,760
We're moving Christmas Eve to our house.
161
00:05:54,795 --> 00:05:55,861
I got to run out and get some groceries.
162
00:05:55,896 --> 00:05:57,196
- See you soon. Bye.
- [Cellphone beeps]
163
00:05:59,366 --> 00:06:00,299
Where's the tree?
164
00:06:00,334 --> 00:06:02,101
Where are the gifts?
165
00:06:02,136 --> 00:06:05,037
I assumed you canceled Christmas
because you found out that I...
166
00:06:06,340 --> 00:06:07,573
But I interrupted you.
167
00:06:07,608 --> 00:06:09,241
Did your dad take them to his showing?
168
00:06:09,276 --> 00:06:11,643
He's always doing this...
he steals my decorations
169
00:06:11,679 --> 00:06:13,912
to stage his houses to make them homier.
170
00:06:13,948 --> 00:06:16,181
He swore he would stop doing this!
171
00:06:16,217 --> 00:06:17,583
At least he left the "wreaf."
172
00:06:17,618 --> 00:06:18,650
Wreath.
173
00:06:18,686 --> 00:06:19,985
Eh, I've heard it both ways.
174
00:06:20,020 --> 00:06:21,987
No, I have, too. Doesn't make it right.
175
00:06:22,957 --> 00:06:24,056
What are we supposed to do?
176
00:06:24,091 --> 00:06:26,191
We can't host a Christmas
without a tree.
177
00:06:26,227 --> 00:06:28,093
I thought you weren't allowed
to host Christmas anymore
178
00:06:28,129 --> 00:06:29,094
after last year.
179
00:06:31,031 --> 00:06:33,732
I took a swing at a new
way to prepare turkey.
180
00:06:36,370 --> 00:06:37,603
Well, this is frozen.
181
00:06:37,638 --> 00:06:39,404
No, Dad, you just... you hit a bone.
182
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:40,839
I saw this on "Top Chef."
183
00:06:40,875 --> 00:06:43,609
They cooked an entire
turkey in one hour.
184
00:06:43,644 --> 00:06:45,144
Luke had some, you're fine.
Aren't you, buddy?
185
00:06:46,780 --> 00:06:47,679
[Weakly] Check on Joe.
186
00:06:49,884 --> 00:06:51,250
[Groans]
187
00:06:52,686 --> 00:06:54,453
[Cellphone ringing]
188
00:06:54,488 --> 00:06:57,856
Oh, your father isn't answering.
189
00:06:57,892 --> 00:06:59,124
You knew about this, didn't you?
190
00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:00,425
I could tell you were hiding something.
191
00:07:00,461 --> 00:07:03,695
[Cup and plate clattering]
192
00:07:04,832 --> 00:07:06,632
Phil?
193
00:07:06,667 --> 00:07:08,367
Phil!
194
00:07:08,402 --> 00:07:09,368
Ph... Oh!
195
00:07:09,403 --> 00:07:10,335
[Grumbles]
196
00:07:10,371 --> 00:07:12,237
This theater is totally soundproof,
197
00:07:12,273 --> 00:07:15,974
so no one will hear you yelling at
Jim to pick up his socks, Sandy.
198
00:07:16,010 --> 00:07:17,109
She does get loud.
199
00:07:17,144 --> 00:07:19,244
[Laughter]
200
00:07:21,715 --> 00:07:23,482
Phil: So, all of this,
201
00:07:23,517 --> 00:07:25,617
plus it's in a great school
dist... rict.
202
00:07:25,653 --> 00:07:28,120
Jim: Oh my God,
was this house just robbed?
203
00:07:28,155 --> 00:07:29,988
I told you this was a sketchy area.
204
00:07:30,024 --> 00:07:31,723
I am not going through
another home invasion
205
00:07:31,759 --> 00:07:34,793
with the kids and me banging
on the panic room door.
206
00:07:34,828 --> 00:07:37,663
So, you guys chat, and I'll,
uh, take a minute,
207
00:07:37,698 --> 00:07:39,965
see if I can find a replacement tree
208
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,067
and nine identically wrapped gifts.
209
00:07:43,370 --> 00:07:46,004
It's the perfect way to get
your mom in a good mood.
210
00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,207
Think about it...
cupcakes are little cakes
211
00:07:48,242 --> 00:07:50,042
just like babies are little people.
212
00:07:50,077 --> 00:07:51,243
I guess.
213
00:07:51,278 --> 00:07:52,778
I just want this to go well.
214
00:07:52,813 --> 00:07:54,246
I'm in a really good
place with this baby,
215
00:07:54,281 --> 00:07:56,448
and I want my mom to be, too.
216
00:07:56,483 --> 00:07:58,350
[Sighs] She wasn't in the
best mood this morning.
217
00:07:58,385 --> 00:07:59,384
It's Christmas Eve.
218
00:07:59,420 --> 00:08:02,020
She can't stay a Grinch all day.
219
00:08:09,214 --> 00:08:10,753
- Thank you.
- [Cellphone beeps]
220
00:08:10,970 --> 00:08:12,162
That was the exterminator.
221
00:08:12,185 --> 00:08:13,616
He is, uh, on his way,
222
00:08:13,653 --> 00:08:15,853
but he's gonna have to tent
the house for a couple of days.
223
00:08:15,888 --> 00:08:18,556
And I'm trying to book us a hotel,
but the call keeps dropping.
224
00:08:18,591 --> 00:08:20,891
Joe, let's go to the backyard.
There's better reception.
225
00:08:22,895 --> 00:08:24,562
Hey, listen. I left something inside.
226
00:08:24,597 --> 00:08:27,164
I need you to get it for me.
This should keep you safe.
227
00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:29,466
Are you crazy? I'm not going
back into that spider's nest.
228
00:08:29,502 --> 00:08:30,835
Fine, I hate them, too.
229
00:08:30,870 --> 00:08:33,637
The problem is,
they're attracted to my musk.
230
00:08:33,673 --> 00:08:35,472
I went to the insect room
at the zoo a while back,
231
00:08:35,508 --> 00:08:37,408
and they all started banging
on the glass like inmates.
232
00:08:37,443 --> 00:08:38,909
What'd you leave in there
that's so important?
233
00:08:38,945 --> 00:08:39,877
It's a medication.
234
00:08:39,912 --> 00:08:42,379
I'm fine, but I didn't tell your mom
235
00:08:42,415 --> 00:08:43,581
'cause I didn't want her to worry.
236
00:08:43,616 --> 00:08:45,916
Can we just stop by a liquor store
and refill your "prescription."
237
00:08:45,952 --> 00:08:47,852
It's a medicine! Look...
238
00:08:47,887 --> 00:08:50,588
I'm sure our hotel has a top notch spa.
239
00:08:50,623 --> 00:08:53,123
One that might add a,
uh, hot stone massage,
240
00:08:53,159 --> 00:08:54,625
an herbal soak...
241
00:08:54,660 --> 00:08:56,193
Do I look like someone
who can be bought?
242
00:08:56,229 --> 00:08:58,229
No, but you do look like
someone who might enjoy
243
00:08:58,264 --> 00:09:00,231
a four-handed Balinese seaweed swaddle.
244
00:09:01,601 --> 00:09:03,300
You son of a bitch.
245
00:09:05,571 --> 00:09:08,472
So, Cal, what did you
and Santa talk about?
246
00:09:08,507 --> 00:09:10,107
It's a secret.
247
00:09:10,142 --> 00:09:11,408
Me, I'd be fine with just cash.
248
00:09:11,444 --> 00:09:12,676
You guys have enough on your plate.
249
00:09:12,712 --> 00:09:14,645
Okay, you're not buying yourself
a phone, all right?
250
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:16,180
Ooh, Santa's on break.
251
00:09:16,215 --> 00:09:18,315
Okay, Lily, go sit with Cal again.
252
00:09:18,351 --> 00:09:20,484
You guys need me...
maybe throw a please in there.
253
00:09:20,519 --> 00:09:22,553
- Yeah. Hi!
- Hi!
254
00:09:22,588 --> 00:09:24,288
Oh, it really is the most
wonderful time of the year.
255
00:09:24,323 --> 00:09:26,557
- Beautiful.
- Isn't it? So, listen, do you mind if...
256
00:09:26,592 --> 00:09:29,293
Do you think you're the first parents
wanting to take a peek at my scroll?
257
00:09:29,328 --> 00:09:30,661
Better stick something in my bootie.
258
00:09:30,696 --> 00:09:32,029
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I'm sorry. What?
259
00:09:32,064 --> 00:09:34,064
Cash in the slipper, perv.
260
00:09:34,100 --> 00:09:35,199
Oh. Do you wanna...
261
00:09:35,234 --> 00:09:38,502
Yeah, yeah, I got...
I got, uh... I've got $10.
262
00:09:38,537 --> 00:09:39,970
Thank you.
263
00:09:40,006 --> 00:09:41,438
No, this is just a list of toys.
264
00:09:41,474 --> 00:09:43,007
None of the kids'
names are next to them.
265
00:09:43,042 --> 00:09:45,075
Oh, oh. You know what?
266
00:09:45,111 --> 00:09:46,443
Uh, we'll look
at pictures of Cal in line
267
00:09:46,479 --> 00:09:48,245
and then match the kids up behind him
268
00:09:48,281 --> 00:09:49,713
with the toys on the list.
269
00:09:49,749 --> 00:09:51,115
Okay, so, well, I guess this Asian kid,
270
00:09:51,150 --> 00:09:52,349
he maybe wants the, uh...
271
00:09:52,385 --> 00:09:53,350
There's no time to be
politically correct.
272
00:09:53,386 --> 00:09:54,184
- He wants the calculator.
- Calculator.
273
00:09:54,220 --> 00:09:55,753
- And he wants it bad.
- Yeah.
274
00:09:55,788 --> 00:09:58,289
Wait, does that mean that this little
boy wants the Barbie Styling Head?
275
00:09:58,324 --> 00:09:59,623
Yep, look at the turned-out foot.
276
00:09:59,659 --> 00:10:01,392
- Oh, of course he wants the Barbie Styling Head.
- Hey!
277
00:10:01,427 --> 00:10:02,893
Which means Cal wants...
278
00:10:02,929 --> 00:10:03,861
Both: Hot Wheels!
279
00:10:03,896 --> 00:10:05,496
Okay, okay.
280
00:10:05,531 --> 00:10:06,330
Let's go.
281
00:10:06,365 --> 00:10:07,865
- Thank you!
- Thank you.
282
00:10:07,900 --> 00:10:09,366
Uhh...
283
00:10:09,402 --> 00:10:11,402
Don't worry. They come back.
284
00:10:15,041 --> 00:10:16,740
Please tell me you told Mom and Dad.
285
00:10:16,776 --> 00:10:18,575
No, but we're gonna tell them in song.
286
00:10:18,611 --> 00:10:20,210
Listen to this part.
287
00:10:20,246 --> 00:10:22,947
[Loudly] ♪ Soon a baby as cute as us ♪
288
00:10:22,982 --> 00:10:25,416
♪ Will spring forth
from Haley's uterus ♪
289
00:10:25,451 --> 00:10:27,284
[Gasps] I love it!
290
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:30,321
She's lying. She just wants us to get
it over with so her eczema will go away.
291
00:10:30,356 --> 00:10:32,289
I don't have... Oh, my God!
292
00:10:33,459 --> 00:10:35,192
Okay, you got this.
293
00:10:35,227 --> 00:10:36,327
You're quicker than those things.
294
00:10:36,362 --> 00:10:37,861
- I doubt that.
- You're smarter.
295
00:10:37,897 --> 00:10:39,229
I can't make a web out of nothing.
296
00:10:39,265 --> 00:10:41,498
- Plus, you got a weapon.
- A leaf blower?
297
00:10:41,534 --> 00:10:44,134
Hey, that thing can blow a
Pomeranian through a hedge.
298
00:10:44,170 --> 00:10:45,970
Let's just say little
Mimi from next door
299
00:10:46,005 --> 00:10:47,705
won't be visiting our lawn anymore.
300
00:10:47,740 --> 00:10:49,206
Now hurry up before your mom gets back.
301
00:10:50,309 --> 00:10:52,543
We'll be in constant communication.
302
00:10:52,578 --> 00:10:54,778
Go. Go, go, go.
303
00:10:54,814 --> 00:10:56,547
Keep your head on a swivel.
304
00:10:56,582 --> 00:10:58,983
Head for my bathroom. Remember.
305
00:10:59,018 --> 00:11:01,485
That spider can sense the
subtlest sign of fear.
306
00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:04,121
[Shouts] Something
just ran past my foot.
307
00:11:04,156 --> 00:11:07,057
[Leaf blower whirring]
308
00:11:07,093 --> 00:11:08,926
[Electricity crackles]
309
00:11:08,961 --> 00:11:10,094
Damn it, the power's out!
310
00:11:10,129 --> 00:11:11,562
Then so am I!
311
00:11:11,597 --> 00:11:13,697
No! You just leveled the playing field.
312
00:11:13,733 --> 00:11:14,765
They have eight eyes.
313
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,166
You only have two.
314
00:11:16,202 --> 00:11:17,968
You just took away their one advantage.
315
00:11:18,004 --> 00:11:19,970
What about their sac of poison?
316
00:11:23,275 --> 00:11:24,274
Okay, I'm in the bathroom.
317
00:11:24,310 --> 00:11:26,410
Good, good. The medication...
318
00:11:26,445 --> 00:11:28,312
is down below in the cabinet.
319
00:11:28,347 --> 00:11:31,081
You want me to reach my hand
into a dark, damp breeding ground?
320
00:11:31,117 --> 00:11:33,884
It's all the way in the
back on the far right.
321
00:11:33,919 --> 00:11:35,919
Just feel around for the jar.
322
00:11:35,955 --> 00:11:37,454
So, skitter my hand back and forth?
323
00:11:37,490 --> 00:11:39,823
That's basically a spider mating dance!
324
00:11:39,859 --> 00:11:40,858
[Sighs]
325
00:11:43,929 --> 00:11:45,596
Got it.
326
00:11:45,631 --> 00:11:46,830
Whoa! Ow!
327
00:11:46,866 --> 00:11:48,599
Talk to me, over.
328
00:11:48,634 --> 00:11:50,200
[Canister hissing, Manny whimpering]
329
00:11:50,236 --> 00:11:51,435
Manny!
330
00:11:53,739 --> 00:11:55,506
- [Car horn honking]
- Not leaving!
331
00:11:55,541 --> 00:11:57,408
Still shopping!
332
00:11:57,443 --> 00:11:59,543
As if getting robbed wasn't bad enough,
333
00:11:59,578 --> 00:12:00,978
now that we were hosting Christmas,
334
00:12:01,013 --> 00:12:03,147
I had to get a new tree
and gifts into the house
335
00:12:03,182 --> 00:12:04,348
before Claire got home.
336
00:12:04,383 --> 00:12:06,850
Fortunately,
I had a copy of her gift list.
337
00:12:06,886 --> 00:12:09,253
It was eerie how many of these events
338
00:12:09,288 --> 00:12:11,722
were lining up with the plot of
my children's book in progress,
339
00:12:11,757 --> 00:12:13,357
"The Realtor Who Saved Christmas."
340
00:12:15,027 --> 00:12:16,894
- Hello?
- Buddy, I need a favor.
341
00:12:16,929 --> 00:12:18,362
Remember that polar bear wrapping paper
342
00:12:18,397 --> 00:12:20,397
you made us buy so much of
because you can't do math?
343
00:12:20,433 --> 00:12:21,932
- Uh-huh.
- Grab a couple rolls of it,
344
00:12:21,967 --> 00:12:24,168
meet me out in front of
the house in 20 minutes.
345
00:12:24,203 --> 00:12:26,737
We're all out. Mom used the
last of it on this year's gifts.
346
00:12:26,772 --> 00:12:30,307
Damn it! I need a bunch of it.
Where am I supposed to f...
347
00:12:30,342 --> 00:12:32,709
Choir: ♪ Hallelujah ♪
348
00:12:32,745 --> 00:12:34,845
♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪
349
00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:37,047
- ♪ Hallelujah ♪
- All good, Luke.
350
00:12:37,850 --> 00:12:40,284
[Festive music in distance]
351
00:12:45,124 --> 00:12:46,457
[Bell dings]
352
00:12:48,294 --> 00:12:50,260
[Train whistle blows]
353
00:12:51,831 --> 00:12:53,163
Well, we got what we need.
354
00:12:53,199 --> 00:12:55,099
I'm glad someone's getting
what they want this year.
355
00:12:55,134 --> 00:12:56,433
You know what? Here, take my phone.
356
00:12:56,469 --> 00:12:58,735
If you can get through a day
without losing it, it's yours.
357
00:12:59,939 --> 00:13:00,938
[Thud]
358
00:13:04,944 --> 00:13:07,144
You must've run through some hairspray.
359
00:13:07,179 --> 00:13:08,679
Your boots are like flypaper.
360
00:13:08,714 --> 00:13:09,947
That's why that spray was banned.
361
00:13:09,982 --> 00:13:12,583
Birds were flying over the factory
and getting stuck together.
362
00:13:12,618 --> 00:13:13,851
[Grunts]
363
00:13:13,886 --> 00:13:15,853
Hey, wait, wait a second. Wait a second.
364
00:13:15,888 --> 00:13:17,554
This is your medication?
365
00:13:17,590 --> 00:13:19,156
"Good Old Fashioned Elbow Grease?"
366
00:13:19,191 --> 00:13:20,624
I suffer from dry elbow.
367
00:13:20,659 --> 00:13:22,192
That's what I risked my life for?
368
00:13:22,228 --> 00:13:25,429
Supple elbows are heavily
featured in every good power pose.
369
00:13:26,665 --> 00:13:28,132
That's how I got the
cover to Closet World.
370
00:13:28,167 --> 00:13:29,933
I literally elbowed my way to the top.
371
00:13:30,903 --> 00:13:32,936
[Sighs] I booked us a hotel.
372
00:13:32,972 --> 00:13:34,771
Manny, you're sharing a room with Joe.
373
00:13:36,275 --> 00:13:37,074
Fix that.
374
00:13:41,747 --> 00:13:43,213
What are you roasting
on the space heater?
375
00:13:43,249 --> 00:13:45,382
Oh, I threw those cards in the trash.
376
00:13:45,417 --> 00:13:46,884
They got all soggy.
377
00:13:46,919 --> 00:13:48,252
- Even Uncle Cam's?
- Mm-hmm.
378
00:13:48,287 --> 00:13:51,488
You have to save those for seven years,
like tax returns.
379
00:14:02,568 --> 00:14:04,535
- Hello, Phil.
- Oh!
380
00:14:04,570 --> 00:14:05,536
Oh, that's right.
381
00:14:05,571 --> 00:14:07,004
The tree's back where it belongs.
382
00:14:07,039 --> 00:14:08,138
You stole it?!
383
00:14:08,174 --> 00:14:09,573
Oh, no, you did.
384
00:14:09,608 --> 00:14:12,442
Just like you stole my family
of plastic Thanksgiving turkeys,
385
00:14:12,478 --> 00:14:13,944
my inflatable Easter bunny,
386
00:14:13,979 --> 00:14:15,746
and my Uncle Sam piñata,
387
00:14:15,781 --> 00:14:17,881
all for your open houses.
388
00:14:17,917 --> 00:14:22,308
Today was my chance to shed
a very unfair reputation.
389
00:14:22,343 --> 00:14:22,953
Claire...
390
00:14:22,988 --> 00:14:25,822
I put two people in
the hospital one time,
391
00:14:25,858 --> 00:14:27,791
and now I'm a Christmas ruiner.
392
00:14:27,826 --> 00:14:28,992
Fire!
393
00:14:29,028 --> 00:14:31,061
Oh, my God! Get the extinguisher!
394
00:14:31,096 --> 00:14:33,564
Aah! It's Cam's glitter card! I knew it!
395
00:14:33,599 --> 00:14:34,398
Stand back!
396
00:14:34,433 --> 00:14:35,799
Aah!
397
00:14:35,834 --> 00:14:36,767
The tree!
398
00:14:36,802 --> 00:14:37,935
The tree, Phil!
399
00:14:37,970 --> 00:14:39,947
Do the tree, Phil. The gifts!
400
00:14:40,773 --> 00:14:42,973
The... The... Honey...
401
00:14:43,008 --> 00:14:44,474
It's out!
402
00:14:44,510 --> 00:14:47,578
This must be the one Luke and I
used for our jet pack prototype.
403
00:14:49,114 --> 00:14:51,949
You know, we're being crazy.
There is no perfect moment.
404
00:14:51,984 --> 00:14:55,085
We're just going to walk in
there like adults and tell them.
405
00:14:55,100 --> 00:14:57,000
[Grunting]
406
00:15:02,012 --> 00:15:02,777
Honey...
407
00:15:02,812 --> 00:15:03,878
It's no use.
408
00:15:03,914 --> 00:15:05,613
It's over, Phil.
409
00:15:05,649 --> 00:15:06,814
The house smells like smoke,
410
00:15:06,850 --> 00:15:07,849
we have no tree
411
00:15:07,884 --> 00:15:10,785
and nine scorched,
yet soaking-wet gifts.
412
00:15:10,820 --> 00:15:13,221
Worst of all,
I have to make Mitchell's day
413
00:15:13,256 --> 00:15:15,623
by telling him we're moving
the party to his house
414
00:15:15,659 --> 00:15:19,961
and I'm on permanent
host probation forever.
415
00:15:19,996 --> 00:15:21,429
Who knows?
416
00:15:21,464 --> 00:15:25,033
Maybe in a couple years they'll
toss me a pity holiday...
417
00:15:25,068 --> 00:15:29,571
"Welcome to my non-alcoholic
Earth Day brunch."
418
00:15:29,606 --> 00:15:31,506
[Sighs] In brighter news,
419
00:15:31,541 --> 00:15:34,175
I am getting on a prop
plane in a couple hours.
420
00:15:34,210 --> 00:15:36,277
Bermuda Triangle's still a thing, right?
421
00:15:36,313 --> 00:15:37,245
Claire.
422
00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:39,314
Honey, I just can't right now.
423
00:15:39,349 --> 00:15:40,448
I'm not in the mood for...
424
00:15:43,853 --> 00:15:44,786
[Chuckles] How?
425
00:15:44,821 --> 00:15:46,387
Merry Christmas from me.
426
00:15:46,423 --> 00:15:50,024
Did you sneak out earlier and buy
all this stuff to cover your tracks?
427
00:15:50,060 --> 00:15:53,261
Or you can choose to believe
it's a Christmas miracle.
428
00:15:53,296 --> 00:15:54,629
I choose miracle.
429
00:15:54,664 --> 00:15:55,630
[Chuckles]
430
00:15:56,666 --> 00:15:58,032
- [Door opens]
- Jay: Happy holidays!
431
00:15:58,068 --> 00:16:00,401
- Hey!
- Hey!
432
00:16:00,437 --> 00:16:02,136
Thank you for taking over.
433
00:16:02,172 --> 00:16:03,738
- You saved the day!
- Merry Christmas.
434
00:16:03,773 --> 00:16:05,840
Well, you know, it's kind of what I do.
435
00:16:05,875 --> 00:16:07,108
Come on, drinks in the kitchen.
436
00:16:07,143 --> 00:16:08,843
- Yay! All right!
- All right!
437
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:13,314
Ooh, Manny,
what's up with the noggin bump?
438
00:16:13,350 --> 00:16:14,182
What? Where?
439
00:16:14,217 --> 00:16:15,249
[Gasps] Oh, no.
440
00:16:15,285 --> 00:16:17,251
That looks like a banana spider bite!
441
00:16:17,287 --> 00:16:18,720
It's not a bite, he bumped his head.
442
00:16:18,755 --> 00:16:20,154
No, that looks like a bite.
443
00:16:20,190 --> 00:16:23,157
My sister got bit by a Missouri
Silo Spider... lost a toe.
444
00:16:23,193 --> 00:16:26,160
Happy ending...
she was born with eleven.
445
00:16:26,196 --> 00:16:27,795
Manny, we need to get that checked.
446
00:16:27,831 --> 00:16:29,063
There is an antidote,
447
00:16:29,099 --> 00:16:31,566
but if you have never
been bitten by the spider,
448
00:16:31,601 --> 00:16:32,800
it might kill you.
449
00:16:32,836 --> 00:16:34,402
- Let's go to the car.
- I... Jay.
450
00:16:34,437 --> 00:16:35,870
Stop! He wasn't bitten.
451
00:16:35,905 --> 00:16:37,505
He bumped his head when
he went back in the house
452
00:16:37,540 --> 00:16:39,374
to grab my... medication.
453
00:16:40,343 --> 00:16:41,275
What medication?
454
00:16:41,311 --> 00:16:42,844
Oh, my God, Dad, are you okay?
455
00:16:42,879 --> 00:16:44,679
We're gonna get through this, buddy.
456
00:16:44,714 --> 00:16:47,215
It's an elbow cream that I secretly use
457
00:16:47,250 --> 00:16:49,250
every night after Gloria falls asleep.
458
00:16:49,285 --> 00:16:52,687
You sent our son into the
nest of a deadly spider
459
00:16:52,722 --> 00:16:53,755
for a beauty cream?
460
00:16:53,790 --> 00:16:55,089
It's a medicine
461
00:16:55,125 --> 00:16:58,459
that treats the heartbreaking
condition of dry elbow!
462
00:16:58,495 --> 00:17:01,195
It requires a
veterinarian's prescription
463
00:17:01,231 --> 00:17:03,931
because it's primarily used
on rhinos and elephants.
464
00:17:03,967 --> 00:17:05,333
[All chuckling]
465
00:17:05,368 --> 00:17:08,269
I see on our march to
become a perfect society,
466
00:17:08,304 --> 00:17:09,837
elbow shaming is still allowed.
467
00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,573
I get a little dry sometimes.
468
00:17:12,609 --> 00:17:15,476
Hey! You're just as much a
person as everybody else.
469
00:17:15,512 --> 00:17:17,445
I can't believe that
you're so vain that you...
470
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:20,948
Wait, is that my Christmas card
stuck on the bottom of your shoe?
471
00:17:20,984 --> 00:17:23,084
And why... why is it singed?
472
00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:24,752
Ugh, you got to be less about the cards.
473
00:17:24,788 --> 00:17:26,421
We all think it.
474
00:17:26,456 --> 00:17:29,657
Didn't you empty a can of powerful
hairspray in the bathroom?
475
00:17:29,693 --> 00:17:30,658
And did you go in there, too?
476
00:17:33,163 --> 00:17:36,764
Fine! I needed something, okay?
477
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:39,033
But at least I went in myself.
478
00:17:39,069 --> 00:17:41,469
After you offered me $20 and I said no.
479
00:17:42,338 --> 00:17:43,971
Some of us can't be bought.
480
00:17:44,007 --> 00:17:45,440
What did you need?
481
00:17:45,475 --> 00:17:48,009
Whatever it is,
we're gonna get through this.
482
00:17:48,044 --> 00:17:49,944
A night guard.
483
00:17:49,979 --> 00:17:52,480
I didn't want to tell you,
but every night,
484
00:17:52,515 --> 00:17:55,216
I wait for you to fall asleep,
so I put it on.
485
00:17:55,251 --> 00:17:57,185
It's so unattractive.
486
00:17:57,220 --> 00:17:58,152
That's it?
487
00:17:58,188 --> 00:18:01,489
Ith not thex-thee. I look hideouth!
488
00:18:01,524 --> 00:18:03,758
Oh, that really humanizes her.
489
00:18:03,793 --> 00:18:04,926
I don't care for it.
490
00:18:05,895 --> 00:18:08,229
Okay, one of my teeth is loose.
491
00:18:08,264 --> 00:18:09,664
I am begging you to tell them.
492
00:18:09,699 --> 00:18:10,732
That's what this is.
493
00:18:10,767 --> 00:18:12,300
I'm coming down the chimney as Santa,
494
00:18:12,335 --> 00:18:13,935
delighting Joe and Cal.
495
00:18:13,970 --> 00:18:15,770
Mom will see how good he is with kids
496
00:18:15,805 --> 00:18:18,005
and then be super chill
with us being pregnant.
497
00:18:18,041 --> 00:18:19,240
Ugh...
498
00:18:19,275 --> 00:18:20,074
[Groans]
499
00:18:20,110 --> 00:18:21,008
Uh-oh.
500
00:18:21,044 --> 00:18:22,510
I'm stuck.
501
00:18:22,545 --> 00:18:23,911
Claire: [In distance] Okay,
everybody, come on, picture time!
502
00:18:23,947 --> 00:18:25,313
In front of the tree, let's go.
503
00:18:25,348 --> 00:18:26,547
Oh, God. Just be quiet!
504
00:18:26,583 --> 00:18:28,216
There you are. Okay, where's Dylan?
505
00:18:28,251 --> 00:18:29,650
Aww, Mom.
506
00:18:29,686 --> 00:18:31,452
What? We need somebody
to take the picture.
507
00:18:31,488 --> 00:18:32,487
Dylan: [Muffled] Harsh.
508
00:18:33,456 --> 00:18:34,655
What was that?
509
00:18:34,691 --> 00:18:37,125
Don't we always have the fire on?
510
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:38,426
- No!
- I'm sure we do.
511
00:18:38,461 --> 00:18:41,462
Last year we used it to finish
cooking Claire's turkey pieces.
512
00:18:41,498 --> 00:18:42,930
Jay, go turn it on.
513
00:18:42,966 --> 00:18:44,065
Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
514
00:18:44,100 --> 00:18:45,967
Every... Everybody 12 and under, out.
515
00:18:46,002 --> 00:18:49,504
What? Honey, what's going on?
516
00:18:50,507 --> 00:18:51,639
Dylan's stuck in the chimney.
517
00:18:51,674 --> 00:18:53,541
[Laughter]
518
00:18:53,576 --> 00:18:54,509
Why?
519
00:18:54,544 --> 00:18:55,643
He's dressed up as Santa.
520
00:18:55,678 --> 00:18:57,011
He was gonna hand
presents out to the kids.
521
00:18:57,046 --> 00:18:58,079
Aww.
522
00:18:58,114 --> 00:19:00,248
Don't tell them now.
I want to be with you!
523
00:19:01,351 --> 00:19:02,116
Tell us what?
524
00:19:02,152 --> 00:19:03,284
Nothing. It can wait.
525
00:19:03,319 --> 00:19:04,919
No, it can't! Please!
526
00:19:04,954 --> 00:19:06,621
My organs are shutting down!
527
00:19:06,656 --> 00:19:08,089
Okay, fine. I...
528
00:19:10,226 --> 00:19:12,693
We have an announcement.
529
00:19:14,697 --> 00:19:16,230
Dylan and I are having a baby.
530
00:19:18,735 --> 00:19:20,268
Are they smiling?
531
00:19:20,303 --> 00:19:22,203
You're pregnant?
532
00:19:22,238 --> 00:19:24,138
Yes. [Clears throat]
533
00:19:24,174 --> 00:19:26,340
And w-we're really happy about it.
534
00:19:26,376 --> 00:19:28,810
Why wouldn't you be?
535
00:19:28,845 --> 00:19:29,644
Wow!
536
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:31,913
Mom?
537
00:19:31,948 --> 00:19:35,750
It's... it's a lot
to process at once, and...
538
00:19:37,687 --> 00:19:39,420
[Sighs]
539
00:19:39,455 --> 00:19:41,422
A baby. Unbelievable!
540
00:19:41,457 --> 00:19:42,590
[Indistinct talking]
541
00:19:42,625 --> 00:19:46,360
- Congratulations!
- Oh, my gosh! A baby!
542
00:19:46,396 --> 00:19:47,795
Alex: Oh, God.
543
00:19:47,831 --> 00:19:50,598
You handled that a lot better
than I did back in the day.
544
00:19:50,633 --> 00:19:52,066
[Sighs] Outside.
545
00:19:52,101 --> 00:19:53,868
- On the inside, I'm you.
- Mm-hmm.
546
00:19:53,903 --> 00:19:55,503
Dylan: Can somebody save my life?
547
00:19:55,538 --> 00:19:57,371
- Oh, Cam, grab a foot.
- Yep.
548
00:19:57,407 --> 00:19:58,506
[Groaning]
549
00:19:58,541 --> 00:19:59,974
God, he's really wedged in there.
550
00:20:00,009 --> 00:20:01,776
Ah, if only we had some
kind of award-winning,
551
00:20:01,811 --> 00:20:03,244
placenta-based lubricant.
552
00:20:03,279 --> 00:20:04,312
Fine!
553
00:20:04,347 --> 00:20:06,747
Here, Dylan, use a little bit of this.
554
00:20:06,783 --> 00:20:09,617
I can't believe a little
Dylan is gonna pop out of you!
555
00:20:09,652 --> 00:20:10,852
What would that even look like?
556
00:20:10,887 --> 00:20:13,154
- [Thud]
- Oh!
557
00:20:13,189 --> 00:20:16,591
[Cheers and applause]
558
00:20:16,626 --> 00:20:18,125
Everybody come on in for the picture!
559
00:20:18,161 --> 00:20:19,360
I'll set the timer.
560
00:20:19,395 --> 00:20:21,629
This is all gonna work out, right?
561
00:20:21,664 --> 00:20:22,930
Definitely. Yeah.
562
00:20:22,966 --> 00:20:25,533
Hang on. Let me get my elbows ready.
563
00:20:25,568 --> 00:20:28,169
Okay, everybody smile, say "baby!"
564
00:20:28,204 --> 00:20:29,704
All: Baby!
565
00:20:30,707 --> 00:20:31,672
[Both sigh]
566
00:20:33,383 --> 00:20:35,461
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
567
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:37,566
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
568
00:20:37,601 --> 00:20:39,634
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪
569
00:20:39,670 --> 00:20:41,770
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
570
00:20:41,805 --> 00:20:44,106
[Hesitantly] ♪ Don we
now our gay apparel ♪
571
00:20:44,141 --> 00:20:46,375
♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
572
00:20:46,410 --> 00:20:48,510
♪ Did we leave the kids
at Claire's house? ♪
573
00:20:48,545 --> 00:20:50,612
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
574
00:20:50,647 --> 00:20:52,681
♪ Lily really needs a cell phone ♪
575
00:20:52,716 --> 00:20:54,983
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
576
00:20:55,019 --> 00:20:57,152
[Normal voice] ♪ Follow
me in merry measure ♪
577
00:20:57,187 --> 00:20:59,418
♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
578
00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:04,618
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
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