Original subtitles

Maya: This is the story of 10 strangers,

one night, and all the stupid, embarrassing, ridiculous things we do...

To find love.

Yeah

Hey. Can I order shots from you?

Of course. What can I get you?

- Uh, have you heard of an anaconda? - Whiskey and Sambuca?

I had those every summer back where I'm from.

Really? Where are you from?

Oh, a small town in Ohio you've probably never heard of.

Well, I'm from Greentree, Ohio.

- No way! - Yes way.

- I am from West Greentree! - You are a liar.

- No! - Okay, pop quiz.

Have you ever been to Gary's hotdogs

for the dingo dogs with extra kraut? Dingo dogs with extra kraut.

- I'm Kacey. - I'm Cal.

Uh... um...

- I will get you those shots. - All right.

[Both chuckle]

Oh, it's so on.

.::Sync and corrected by thatjulio::. .::www.addic7ed.com::.

I can't believe I kissed a man who wasn't my fianc?e.

[Laughs] I mean, was it a good kiss? Yeah.

Was it a great kiss?

Yeah, it was the best kiss ever.

It was like kissing an Italian Racecar driver at sunset.

[Chuckles]

But that... that doesn't mean anything.

People do crazy stuff at bachelor parties all the time.

Wait. When did this become a bachelor party?

And it's not like I like Ron.

It... Ron is just a man that I met at a bar.

A-a gorgeous, exotic, charming, man with a beautiful mouth.

Oh, my God, I need to go home before I destroy my life.

No, tiger. Stay. This is good.

Like, you need to go and see where this is going.

I... but what about Jim?

What about Jim?

Like, seriously, Jim is always gonna be there.

We know that. He's like a fungus.

I don't know.

Liv.

You are clearly second-guessing marrying Jim.

So you can either deal with this now or after you're married.

But at some point, you're gonna have to deal with this.

Oh, I know.

But I don't even know what it is about Ron.

I've never felt like this before.

It's like he makes my body all tingly,

like when I have too much root beer.

Liv, that's a good thing, okay?

You're supposed to feel tingly.

Okay.

I'm gonna stay and explore my feelings for Ron.

Good. Good for you.

I'm gonna send him my panties.

What?

Thanks, mate.

Quick question... I just kissed a woman

who then wordlessly ran away from me

and it was quite possibly the most awkward moment of my entire life.

Is that an American thing,

kissing someone and then running away,

or is she just really, really, really weird?

I-I don't know. That's never happened to me, man.

Okay. Good. 'Cause if it was normal,

I'd have to move to a different country.

Cheers.

[Chuckles]

And I want three kids.

Me too! A girl and two boys.

Yes!

And I was gonna start in the city,

but then the boys are gonna need...

- Need room to run, so upstate. - Yes.

And I want to live in a house shaped like a barn.

- Oh, is that weird? - Super-weird.

Because I've always wanted to live in a house shaped like a barn!

[Chuckling] No.

What's really weird is that there's a waitress at our table

and we don't have any drinks.

Hey, Kace.

Your customers keep asking me for drinks.

- Which ones? - All of them.

You are a waitress. Go wait on them.

Okay. I'll be right there.

I've got to go.

Yeah, I know.

But I'll be right back.

- Okay. - Okay.

Oh, my God. I think she might be the...

Don't say that!

I will punch you in the neck if you say that!

I think she might be the one. [Chuckles]

[Grunts] Oh, my God, Cal, are you okay?

[Choking] Are you okay?

No, no, no, no!

Maya: Shockingly, Bruce is in the right here.

Cal has met "the one" before.

In fact, he's met her many times...

Cal was born in a small town.

Dr. Nesbit delivered him

shortly before he delivered the mail.

Cal was an only child

whose parents loved the hell out of him

and praised him for everything he did,

even finishing his breakfast.

So Cal became an optimist. He was quick to fall in love.

This woman liked coffee yogurt.

So did Cal, so, naturally, they got married.

Then he learned that his new wife was super-negative

and never smiled.

They got divorced,

and Cal quickly fell in love again,

this time to his dentist.

They, too, got married.

Unfortunately, like most dentists, she was sadistic.

They got divorced, and Cal quickly got married again.

This one turned out to be a recovering sex addict,

except maybe not so recovered.

Bruce liked her a lot. But Cal got divorced again.

Finally, Cal started to question the wisdom

of always following his heart.

I'm 26 years old, and I've been married three times.

Who does that?

Lots of people! Kelsey Grammer!

Mm. No, I'm serious, man.

I'm trying to stay positive, but I don't know

how many more times I can go through this.

It's too painful.

- Hey, don't give up, Cal. - Or do give up, Cal, okay?

Because clearly what you're doing, it's not working.

You just keep marrying people.

I'm surprised you haven't married someone

since we've been sitting here.

The thing is, I loved every one of those women.

Mm-hmm. Like, I felt it in my heart.

And they all turned out to be completely different people.

So what? I'm supposed to ignore my heart now?

- No! Never! - Yes, always!

Because clearly you have a stupid heart.

Stop listening to your stupid, stupid heart, Cal.

Start listening to your brain and your balls.

And by your brain, I-I definitely mean your balls.

Listen up, dude. Listen to the balls of mankind.

Or you can just accept that you've made some mistakes

and follow your heart one last time.

[Clears throat]

Or Bruce's balls thing.

Mm-hmm. My balls thing.

Why are we having a picnic?

I thought it'd be nice.

[Slurps]

Yeah, it's okay.

Look, all I know is the next time I say I found the one,

I need you guys to St...

To punch you in the neck! Thank you!

That's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna curl up these little orange muscles here

and [Grunts] right under your chin.

We're in a public place!

I'm just trying to stop you

from making the same mistake for the fourth time, idiot.

Oh, come on, he's not marrying the waitress. He's just talking to her.

Tom, you don't know this kid like I know him.

He's about to run off to some strip mall and grab a ring.

And because he likes it, he's gonna put a ring on it.

Did you not just see what happened?

I have crazy chemistry with this girl.

[Groans]

Yeah, it reminded me of when I met Maya.

It was magical.

Tom, stop it.

The problem with my marriages

was I didn't know the women I was marrying.

But this is different.

I feel like I've known Kacey my entire life.

And she's not like them.

She's sweet and she's positive and she's fun.

And she's the one.

No! She's not the one!

She's the waitress at the bar!

Dude, come on. See through this.

Waitresses are just strippers with food. That's all they are.

They're just trying to get your money.

Dude, you love strippers.

Yeah. That... whatever!

No, don't listen to him.

Waitresses are nice people who bring you things.

Follow your heart.

No, dude. No, okay?

I'll show you that this is wrong.

I'll call her over here, and in five seconds,

I'll make this amazing connection with her

and we'll go elope.

That's right. I'll beat you to the punch.

I'm gonna marry her before you.

Fine. Call her over.

All: Whoo!

Okay.

[Crying]

Do you hear somebody crying?

[Crying continues]

- No. - Yes.

- I don't hear anything. - I do.

Then let's go. Stop it. Come on.

We can't leave a crying girl.

You know how this works.

Once you get started with a crying girl,

you can never get out.

It's like Tina what's-her-face?

- Come on, junior homecoming? - Oh.

Yeah. And we didn't escape till dawn the next day.

Gabby: Wait. I-I-I-is someone in here?

Are you okay, sweetie?

Not really.

Do you have any friends that you could call, maybe?

No! No, my friends suck!

- Th-they all went out without me tonight! - Aww.

Maybe they ditched you 'cause you cry too much.

[Smacks shoulder] Ow!

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

Do you want to t-tell us what happened? [Smacks shoulder]

Oh, my God, that's so nice. Thank you.

But I just want you to know it's, like...

It's definitely a really long story.

What do you mean

girls aren't sending guys their panties anymore?

It's like a thing. I read about it.

It's people doing it up in the clubs.

Liv, nobody's doing it up in the clubs,

and nobody says, "doing it up in the clubs."

You have bad information.

I already kissed a guy tonight. I might as well go all in.

Oh, okay. And then what do you hope to achieve?

I just want him to think I'm fun and sexy,

like Anna Kendrick, you know?

[Scoffs] Oh, shoot.

Oh, I'm wearing my day-to-days.

I can't send him my day-to-day.

They, like, come up to my chin. [Laughs]

They look like a pillowcase.

Okay, Liv, I'm telling you. Listen.

I know you haven't flirted with anyone in about 50 years,

but nobody does this.

Like, nobody d... I'm telling you.

Dude, dude, have you ever had a girl give you her panties?

[Scoffs] Yeah, all the time.

[Sighs] Well, not that guy.

So, uh, what are you rocking under there?

Don't worry about it.

- I bet you're wearing awesome panties. - No.

I bet they're, like, sleek black panties from the future.

No, they're just my work panties.

Maya... give me your panties.

All right.

Take a picture, 'cause this is what a good friend looks like.

[Gasps] Maya, these panties are beautiful.

What is this, made in China? That is so fancy.

Please stop reading my panties.

Okay, so, where do I stick it? Do I put... I don't know.

[Gasps] Wish me luck.

No.

Okay.

Hey, hey, watch this.

[Whistling] Hey. Kacey.

Here she comes. Watch the fireworks.

Hey, Kacey, how are you?

- I'm good. - Good.

I want to order a round of drinks, uh, for my...

For my buddies here, 'cause what's money

if you can't share with your friends?

You know what I mean? Uh, what do you suggest?

I don't know. Beer?

I love beer. I love beer.

I love beer.

[Clears throat]

[Sighs]

Um, what's your favorite beer, Kacey?

Oh, I hate beer.

- So many empty carbs. - So many empty carbs.

Really?

Seriously, I feel like a really bad friend.

I had no idea you liked beer.

Tom, everyone likes beer.

In the entire world, everyone but these two weirdos.

So, a round of beers?

Yes. I'd love that. Thank you, Kacey.

- She's so pretty. - I rest my case.

Dude, you are an idiot.

- You had no connection to her whatsoever! - Okay.

- You had more of a connection with Tom. - That's true, actually.

I feel very connected to you right now.

Just admit it. She is my soul mate.

No!

That girl is not your soul mate!

Maya: As many times as Cal has been wrong,

this time he just happens to be right.

[Cries]

Kacey was born in the small town right next to Cal's.

Dr. Nesbit delivered her right before he put out a fire.

Just like Cal, Kacey was an only child

whose parents adored her.

Kacey was upbeat and positive, and, just like Cal,

she followed her heart wherever it lead her.

When Kacey met Brad, she just knew.

His frosted tips were so clutch.

After graduation, Kacey and Brad moved to New York

and got jobs at Planet Tan in Chelsea.

Their dream was to one day open a discount tanning salon

for poor people who still wanted to be tan.

Oh, hey, Steven!

Hey, babe! Mwah!

Oh, God, would you just please tell her already?

Tell me what?

If you don't, I will.

Kace...

I'm super gay.

What?!

Babe, I was a male cheerleader. I love tanning.

And I'm currently applying lotion to another man's abs,

which he can clearly reach himself.

I could not be gayer.

[Voice breaking] But, Brad, I love you.

I love you, too.

But I also love penis.

For the first time in her life,

Kacey realized that her heart could be wrong.

She also realized why Brad had frequently asked her

to wear a mustache during sex.

She considered numbing the pain with empty carbs

but she just couldn't do it.

Just like Cal after his failed marriages,

she refused to let the world get her down.

Cal and Kacey both threw themselves

into high-rep, low-impact workouts

and buried themselves in work.

And when that wasn't enough,

they'd both go down to Grand Central Station

and watch the world go by.

It made them feel like they were part of something bigger,

and that everything was going to be okay.

Cal and Kacey were perfect for each other.

She was just what he needed...

Someone sweet, fun, and positive.

And he was just what she was looking for...

Loving, kind... and heterosexual.

[Crying] And then all my friends

went to this other club without me.

Oh, my God, my apartment is on fire.

I got to go. Uh...

This is all your fault. [Sobbing]

What? No, it's not.

- Yes, it is. - Okay, yeah, it is.

Wait. So what do you guys think I should do?

I think you should talk to someone else.

I think you should call your friends

and talk it out with them.

Okay, we're gonna go. Yeah. Yeah. Bye.

That is the best advice I have ever gotten.

Really?

Have you ever gotten advice before?

Yeah, because that's pretty standard advice, actually.

Can we get a friendship circle?

Huh?

Oh, my God. I love you guys so much.

Dude, why can't you just find a cute, boring girl

that you sort of like and then get strung out

into some long-term relationship that you can't stand

just like every other dude on the entire planet?

Why do you always have to do the love-at-first-sight?

I can't help it, man.

- It just overcomes me. - Tom: Mm-hmm.

It's like when I met Maya 40 minutes ago, I was just...

Tom! Oh, my God!

[Clears throat]

You know, it just feels so good, you know?

In one instant,

everything in your entire life just gets better.

No! No.

Dude, life doesn't get better by chance.

Life gets better by change.

Oh, my God, that was really good.

Wait a minute. What's that from?

It's on the back of one of your gym t-shirts.

Dude, are you serious? Come on, man!

Yeah, but listen to the t-shirt. It's right.

Cal, you can't keep trying the same thing

over and over again, expecting a different result.

You have to change, man. Come on, dude.

Three divorces is weird.

Four... girls will be running for the hills.

Girls are gonna be running, man.

- You know, fine. - No.

Fine! Fine. No.

When she comes back, I'll shut it down.

- You'll shut it down? - Yeah, I'll shut it down.

Here she comes.

- Hey. - Hey.

I have to go on break in a few minutes,

- if you want to hang out, come out back. - I'd love to, yes.

Awesome. It's a date.

Bye!

Hey. Hello, there!

Hi!

Hi.

Hmm. What's this, then?

Sorry. Is that women's underwear?

I...I don't know.

Didn't it just fall from your hand?

Yep. Yes, it did.

That's my hand underwear.

Sorry. It's your what?

My hand underwear?

What's... what's hand underwear?

Uh, I have really... I don't have very good circulation.

And it... it keeps my hand w-warm and...

Uh, sanitary.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

I thought it'd be fun and sexy if I brought you my underwear.

I... no, no. No, it is. It... it... it is very...

It's very sexy.

It kind of looks like a dead bird.

Yeah. A little sparrow.

Hmm.

Wait. Are you wearing panties?

What? No.

Yeah. I can see them cresting.

No. No. No. No.

That's, uh... that's, uh... My... they're built-in.

Okay, so, I just want to clarify.

Did you put on two pairs of panties this morning

in anticipation of giving one away?

Or did you borrow this pair from a third party?

Ooh. Which one is weirder?

I got to say, I don't know.

You're just gonna leave them... here?

That basically brings us to the seventh grade.

Oh, my gosh, she's still talking.

Her grip is so tight. [Sobs]

And then eighth grade rolls along,

and my mom remarries, and I was like, "what..."

Oh, thank God. Get over here.

Talk to her. We have to go.

She's crying. Got to help her.

Oh, my God, I love you. Come here.

Come here. [Cries]

This is a disaster.

Cal is gonna marry that waitress in like three weeks.

Or you could be happy for Cal 'cause he met his earth angel.

Just... just kidding. I'm drunk.

You guys talking about Kacey?

Yeah. Isn't she adorable?

[Scoffs] Tell your friend don't even bother.

She's with the bartender.

Mm-hmm.

What's that?

I saw them smashing 20 minutes ago.

They smash all the time.

That is very interesting to me.

Wish I didn't know that.

Ohh. How bad was it?

If it's okay with you, I don't want to talk about it.

[Chuckling] Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Liv.

[Groans] I'm... I'm a crazy person.

I do... I must have gone insane from that kiss.

[Chuckles]

The good news is I can now go home and marry Jim

- because I am so bad at this stuff. - Okay.

Uh, hey, we didn't order this!

[Both laugh]

He sent his boxers.

Don't touch it.

I guess you're not as bad as you thought.

Oh! Look at this.

[Both laugh]

He dances like a child.

Yep.

- There you are. - Don't listen to him!

Whoa, whoa. What's up?

You know your little waitress friend?

- She's with the bartender. - What?

I still think you should go after her.

Everyone has a past.

Yeah, and her past is 20 minutes ago with the bartender.

You don't know this girl, Cal.

So get to know her! Go on break.

Don't give in to the fear.

Give in to the fear. The fear is your friend.

Dude, please don't go on break with this girl.

You're just gonna fall more in love with her,

then you're gonna get married, and then you'll eventually get divorced,

and you'll be sad and lonely, I'll have to hear about it.

You'll be no fun to hang out with,

and I can't bear to see you like that again. I can't, dude.

Cal was worried.

Across the bar, Kacey was also worried.

She knew her heart had been wrong before,

but she couldn't shake how she felt about Cal.

Cal knew his heart had been wrong

many, many, many times before.

But he couldn't shake how he felt about Kacey.

And in that moment,

they both decided to bravely put aside their fears...

- and give love one more chance. - when you don't answer the phone

6:00 in the morning. I'm on my own

Dom, I'm going on my break and I might go over

Oh, take your time. Whatever you need.

- Please bring me back home

- Thank you.

Unfortunately, in the very next moment,

all of Cal's worst fears came flooding back.

And as Kacey waited for Cal, she started to wonder

if her heart had been wrong again.

How many times have we walked away

from a perfect thing without knowing it?

How many times can our hearts be wrong

before we just start to ignore it all together?

And how many organic grass-fed hamburgers

can a grown woman eat before her stomach explodes?

There's always the hope that next time,

our stupid, stupid hearts will get it right.

Why don't you call me home?

[Both laugh]

So, ladies, can I get you another round or what?

Yes, please.

Fill me up, Spanish. [Chuckles]

Well, it's actually Dominic.

- Fab. - Jessica.

All right. [Chuckles]

Wait.

Is this about to get weird?

By weird, do you mean a little friendly competition?

[Both laugh] Okay, same rules as high school.

Okay. Anything goes as long as we stay friends.

All right, let's do this.

Whoo! [Laughs]

Ooh!

Anyway, Cal, I hope this wedding lasts longer than the other two.

But let's be real, between you and I,

you probably won't even make it out of the parking lot

without getting a divorce.

Wow! Thank you, Bruce!

I mean, round of applause. So...

[Clears throat] Your new wife is looking at me.

- Oh, my God, she is totally winking at me. - Yeah.

Also, I didn't get you guys a gift

because everything on your registry was over $10.

Guys, seriously, though, this is...

A stupid waste of our time.

That's true, actually. Cal, let's go.

God, it is hot in this forest.

Okay, it's not a good time for that.

- Ohh! - Bruce?

Thank you. [Exhales deeply]

That is so much better.

- Bruce. - Let's get naked.

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