Original subtitles

Maybe this one?

Mmm.

Hmm...

Can I help you guys find something?

No. We got it.

Actually, we are great. Thank you so much for asking.

It's like, do I look like I need help, guy?

Oh, babe.

He's just doing his job.

I'm gonna download the "Wine Spectator" app.

Janelle: So where are you guys looking to buy?

Oh, well, we want to stay in Fort Greene,

but we're looking in Clinton Hill, and then also...

I fast forward through the theme song

so that Brandon doesn't know what I'm watching.

I mean, he's so judgey about it.

You might want to flip the steaks.

I got it, Andrew.

What am I so judgey about?

Derek: "Scandal." Oh, god.

(chuckling) See?

What? It's so campy.

Whatever. I'm sorry I can't just watch documentaries.

It's too depressing. Have you guys seen "VICE News"?

Love "VICE News."

I find it immature.

Are you serious? What, I mean,

it's just a bunch of hipsters with adrenaline boners

talking about "oh, look at this crazy thing we just uncovered."

It's totally sensationalist.

I don't know about that.

Have you seen the one about the ice sheets melting in Greenland?

So where are you guys honeymooning?

Listen to this shit: Tulum. (gasps)

I love Tulum! I'm so excited.

It's so magical.

Brandon: But if New York City's at the point that we need to evacuate,

the real danger would be people freaking out.

Exactly, so I'd get the fuck out

on a boogie board and fins and swim to New Jersey.

Yeah, but the tide would pull you out to Staten Island.

Or out to sea.

I'm telling you, you need a proper bug-out bag,

stay off the roads, and only move at night.

What the hell is a bug-out bag?

Really?

You guys gotta get on this.

So, my aunt just had a baby, and she's 43.

Hi.

Wow, I don't think I wanna wait that long.

Oh, no, of course not.

But I mean, with herbs and acupuncture, it's like,

anytime is a good time to have a baby.

Hmm. Yeah.

I've been going to my acupuncturist for like, the last eight years.

He's like, a miracle worker.

Oh, cool, yeah. Yeah.

Definitely. I'll give you his number.

Yeah, I mean, we're waiting because it's just like,

too much right now to even think about. Yeah.

Hey, Lucy?

Do your parents still have that place in Bear Mountain?

Yeah, I think so.

What is that on your head?

Scott: Knock, knock. Brandon: Who's there?

Control freak. Contr--

Control freak. See, that's right.

That's the joke.

Oh. (people chuckling)

Okay, I gotta hop on the call with the Chicago team in a few.

Just ping us when you're off

and we'll carve out some time to review those pitches.

Yeah, the rest of my day's pretty light, so...

Scott: Sounds good.

Oh, thanks. Man: Yep.

(beeps)

Oh, Jesus...

Man: There it is, ladies and gentlemen.

That is your route. Everybody hear that?

Hear that chopper?

Get used to that sound.

Let me tell you, you're trying to escape this city,

multiply that by about 50.

Also, add sirens,

add gunshots,

add screams. Gonna stress you out.

Gotta maintain a level head.

All right, I see we have a beach about one klick north right there.

That's a great place to come back, dig yourself a cache,

put in some extra clothes,

put in some extra weapons,

some ammo. Might want to put some water in there.

Some water purification tablets.

LifeStraw. That's another good one.

I use it all the time. Making sense?

You might find yourself here with nothin'.

That cache is gonna be your ticket out.

That's dandelion. That's edible.

Look at all these rats.

Let me tell you something, ladies and gentlemen.

In a survival situation,

these rats look like a porterhouse steak.

? ?

Hey, babe, can we just order Seamless tonight?

You don't want to try some of our new emergency food rations?

Are they gluten free?

Who gives a shit?

So the reading is now 3.5...

Andrew: So much for eating sushi.

Maybe we could eat farm-raised fish?

I'm ordering a geiger counter.

Do you really think we need that?

Yes. Do you want cancer?

No! TV: To get a better understanding...

Hey, babe?

Yes? Hey.

You forgot your go-bag for the office. Oh, thank you.

Jeez.

Okay.

? ?

Can we just make sure the place has a proper bridal suite?

I looked online and it looks super janky.

Mom on phone: Okay. Is everything okay there?

No, everything's fine. Everything is fine. Okay.

I'm just trying to help you out, baby.

You just sound so stressed out.

Nothing's wrong. I'm fine.

Andrew: Oww! Let us know what we can do, okay?

Don't get up. Don't get up. Don't get up. Oh, my god--

Oh, they gave your geiger counter back?

Yeah. Yeah. We can't come back here.

Hold on to these. What is this for?

Kindling.

Um, oh, my god, Andrew, this is so weird.

Oh, it's all getting weird.

(explosions) Jesus Christ!

(people screaming) (sirens blaring)

Aah!

Mmm.

(chewing)

Well...

Ooh!

Got it.

This is good.

This is so good.

Hurry. We gotta have the car back in 30 minutes.

Can't we just extend the reservation?

I'm not paying the extra 50 bucks to go to IKEA.

But I need to get those tea lights.

What-- whatever, we can go next weekend.

We can't go next weekend 'cause my mom is coming this week,

so I need the tea lights to make those centerpieces-- Babe, babe, babe, babe...

it's not the end of the world.

Oh, really? Fuck you!

You're the one every fucking day acting like it's the fucking end of the world,

but I can't go to IKEA?

Take your Xanax, Lu?

Lucy, you ready to talk?

Are you ready to stop being an asshole?

So, why are you talking like that?

Oh, the whispering provides a very strong sensory reaction.

Oh, no, I heard a podcast about this,

but why are you using an accent?

They like it. Oh.

Yeah. Videos got more popular.

They also love these baggies.

Oh, really? Lots of great comments about these baggies.

Yeah. Wonderful trigger. Cool.

That's funny 'cause I was actually thinking about

going to plastic cubes.

That would be a trigger as well.

Oh... Hmm.

How about this. When I come next time,

(whispering) maybe I could talk like this?

No. No, you can just--

just use your voice. Oh, okay.

Yeah. That's-- that's fine. Oh. (phone chirps)

Sorry.

Hello?

Andrew: Hey, um, are you still in business?

Yeah.

Um, how long do you think you'll be?

We're having a bit of a situation here.

Well, if you're still in that place in Fort Greene,

it'll be, like, 90 minutes, man.

Okay, great. Thanks. Okay.

This hurts more than it's helping.

Then why you doing it?

I don't know.

Lucy: I got some snacks.

Thank you.

You're very welcome. That-- that's fucking nice.

No problem.

So, do you happen to sell in larger increments?

Uh, well, I have been thinking about changing it up a little bit lately,

but I'm still just doing the eighths.

Oh. Well, what about a pound?

A pound? Mm-hmm.

That's a lot of weed, man.

Yeah, I know, but, uh, you know,

how long do you think that would last? I mean, she needs it for her anxiety

and, you know, tough times.

Well, that depends. How much do you smoke?

Oh, I'm like a super lightweight.

So, like one hit and I'm just like, blah...

Okay. Then, like, forever.

That's perfect.

Okay, but I don't sell pounds.

Oh, okay.

Well, I mean, where do you get your product?

I mean, surely somebody deals in bulk?

Mmm, I don't think my supplier would be into that, man.

Okay. Well...

what about the seeds?

Seeds?

Yeah, for our survival garden seed vault.

What I have is what I have.

But I think you can get seeds online, man.

Okay. How about I definitely get these?

Let me get you some cash.

Good choice.

Where do you get seeds online?

You're a pretty intense dude, aren't you?

I see everything clearly.

Lucy: We need to get the tickets for Phil and Jackie's wedding.

I mean, they're going up every day, the price.

Yeah, where is it again? Jamaica!

Oh. Oh, oh, that's great.

So we can get the ganja seeds while we're down there for the vault.

Drew, like, let that go. What, I mean, you're the one that said

that weed's the only thing that calms you down anymore.

Anyways, I finally figured out the floor plan.

You know, like, I had to move all those tables around,

but it's cool now. Cool. Cool.

Yeah. I was having a really hard time

'cause Marcus and Tamara dropped out. I still can't believe that.

Yeah, shit, I can't believe they're going through with it.

I mean, she's 32. What was she gonna do, get an abortion?

I mean, you know, why not? I mean, they weren't planning on having a kid.

Marcus just got through paying off law school.

Plus, I mean--

I mean, who wants to bring a kid into this fucked up world anyway?

I mean, by the time he's ready to go to school,

New York's gonna be underwater.

So... you know.

So now you think it's stupid to have a kid?

No, I mean, I didn't-- I didn't say it was stupid.

It's just...

But you don't want to have kids?

I didn't-- I didn't say that.

Well, what are you saying, Andrew?

I--

(smoke alarm beeping)

Smoke?!

Lucy!

Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, get up, baby.

Lucy, get up, baby. Mmm, I don't wanna.

Lucy, you gotta get up, there's a fire! What?

Come on, we gotta go, we gotta go! Fire?!

Ah, shit! Okay! Are you-- All right. Uh...

Grab your shoes! Grab your shoes! Wait, wait, wait!

Grab your shoes! Where the fuck are my shoes?

Hold on, okay? Wait, wait, wait, I found one.

All right. Where the fuck is the other one?

All right. Will you-- Shit!

Just grab your shoes! Okay, fuck, fuck! I can't find them!

(distant sirens)

Oh, my god, there's not even a way to get down from here!

Why are we up here right now?

I'm gonna call 911 and they're gonna send a-- a helicopter or--

What are you fucking talking about right now?

You sound insane! Man: Hey, guys, guys!

It's okay! I just burned my DiGiorno.

Sorry about that.

See, that's why we need to be more prepared.

What--

That's my grandmama's ring!

(whispering in Russian accent) Hello.

I want to start today

by thanking you because...

I reached 500 subscribers yesterday

and I never thought I would touch so many of you.

So, very happy.

And I know you were very happy last week

with the spa treatment.

That was nice.

And this week I have another thing that you will like.

A very popular trigger...

(bag crinkling) here with the-- with the baggies.

Yes.

It's a good trigger,

baggie noise, also.

It's a very popular trigger.

(nails click on bristles)

And, um, can I brush your hair?

You have very pretty hair.

So shiny.

Your hair is so beauty.

So shiny.

Autumn is coming.

(nails click on pinecone)

Follow your dreams.

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