Original subtitles

(wolf whistle)

Man: Hey, girl, you got a minute?

Uh... uh, no, sorry.

No? What, you can't talk to me?

You can't even give me the time of day?

Sorry, I-- Do not engage, Naomi, and watch your stance.

Now let's show him some power, okay?

Man: I got someplace for you to put them hands, bitch.

I'm not interested, sir. I'm not.

Hey, come on! Lemme get some action. Okay, you know what to do.

Now enlist help, enlist help! Ease up!

If anyone is listening,

I do not know this man! What are you, some kind of rich bitch?

He is harassing me! (people shouting)

Hey. Nice job. (chuckles)

Listen. (clears throat) I'm sorry if I said anything to hurt your feelings,

but I gotta get your adrenaline going, you know?

Oh. Yeah, you scared the shit out of me.

(laughs) Yeah.

Nice to meet you. See you.

? All by myself ?

? In the morning ?

? All by myself ?

Hey, Victor. There he is.

Have a good night. You too, sir.

(sports announcer speaking on TV)

? I sit alone ?

? With a table and a chair ?

Thank you. How are you?

Good, thank you. Excellent.

? So unhappy there ? (people shouting)

I love you. Of course, Mom.

Mom on phone: And where are my grandchildren?

Victor: ? All by myself ?

Never mind. Listen, I'll call you when I get out.

Mom on phone: Okay. I'm at work right now.

Love you, honey. Talk to you later. I love you, Mom.

(door closes) ? Watching the clock ?

Hey. ? On the shelf ?

(whispers) Two minutes. Mom: Are you even seeing anyone right now, honey?

I know that's a rhetorical question, 'cause you know the answer.

(people shouting)

? How I'd hate to get older ?

? All by myself ?

Announcer: ...to the pitch. Yes!

Ellen: You know, Ruth was really good at that.

She was joyful and present,

and she did exactly what she wanted to do

up to the moment that she died.

(inhales) Yeah.

It really makes me think twice about scuba diving.

That gave me pause, I gotta say.

Yes. But, you know...

she just loved diving.

And I think she was in love, too.

(laughs) Oh, really?

The last time I heard from her, I got an email

on her third night there,

and she told me that she met this lovely gentleman

in her tour group, and he was taking her to dinner.

Oh, so Ruth may have gotten a little something-something before she left her body.

(laughs) It could be so?

Yeah, well, she really needed to get laid.

What a cool thing to say about a friend. (laughs)

Hell, I really need to get laid. (both laugh)

You don't happen to know any great guys in their 40s who smoke, do you?

Let me think on that. And who have their shit together.

Oh, I don't know anyone like that. (laughs) Come on!

She's got a really good outlook on life.

She's really smart.

(chuckles) Smart, yeah. Is she pretty?

I'm not looking for a supermodel or anything, but--

The Guy: She's got a really nice figure.

Ellen is pretty cool. I think she just wants to be a with a nice dude.

Yeah? Yeah.

Am I nice enough, you think? I think so.

All right. Umm...

give her my number. All right, man.

Cool. On another note,

7H is a motherfucker. You got that right.

Yeah. I don't know what his problem is.

Maybe it's IBS. (chuckles)

(mutters) Oh God.

Drink a lot of tea, eh? Ellen: I pretty much drink it all day.

I order it online in bulk, actually.

Mmm. I bet that saves you some money.

Yeah, sure, a little.

(sighs)

I drink coffee because I work at night,

and it-- it just helps keep me awake.

Uh-huh.

Hey.

Do you wanna get baked?

Victor: Cool.

Would you rather launch a baby from a catapult

or catch a baby being launched from a catapult?

(exhales) Oh God.

I don't wanna do either. You have to answer.

Well...

Okay.

What would happen to the baby if I didn't catch it?

Exactly what you think would happen.

Shit. (both laugh)

Well, I'm not very coordinated...

so...

I guess I'd launch the baby.

(both laugh)

Cold-blooded.

Well... Damn.

...I imagine I'd be stepping aside for someone

more suitable for the task at hand.

I would-- I would catch any baby you launch from a catapult.

(both laughing)

I would. I would. I would...

I'd catch any baby. Any baby.

All the babies you launched, I would catch. You'd catch them all?

Mm-hmm.

That's so nice. Yeah.

Ellen: Okay, what if...

you were presented the option

to meet someone and fall hard for them,

and you could have the most satisfying love imaginable,

but...

you knew that in six months

the person would just disappear? (birds chirping)

For forever.

Knowing how painful that would be,

would you still meet the person and fall in love?

Uh, this is...

You got this out of "The Book of Questions," right?

It's that book, "The Book of Questions"?

Did you get that outta that book? Yes, it is from that.

Damn, you're like a plagiarist.

That's not fair. Yeah, I guess I am.

I came up with my own. You gotta come up with your own.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

(chirping continues)

What's up?

Mmm. Do you get hurt?

No, not at all. The...

The suit I wear is very heavily padded,

so I don't feel anything.

Would it be weird if I took your class?

(chuckles)

So I could teach you how to beat me up?

Well, yeah.

No. (both laugh)

(scats) (jazz music playing)

That's really what he did. He was big on scatting.

Mm-mmm.

(stammers) I can't follow that.

Victor: Nachos. Both: Margaritas.

And now pizza with a whole lot of chili pepper on it.

My God. I like spicy.

Too much is too-- No, it's just right.

It's-a too much-a spice.

No, it's-a just-a right-a spice.

I'm gonna get another slice. Is that disgusting?

Get me one too. Okay, that's what I like to hear.

Can I get two more slices, please? Not too hot. (moaning)

Thank you, thank you.

Man: Coming up. Thank you.

I miss being able to run through red lights whenever I want.

(both laugh)

(sighs)

Honestly, though, I just didn't feel good

locking up children's daddies, you know?

Breaking up the family.

I'm not gonna invite you up tonight if that's all right.

Okay.

Because I'm a hoarder.

All right.

I'm just kidding! (laughs)

(chuckles) You got me.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you got me on that one.

All right? No. I'm on my period.

Okay, that's-- you know. Hey, that's cool.

Periods are cool. That's all--

Victor: We had fun. It was a nice night.

Definitely. Ate a lot.

Pssh! Ate a lot,

but I don't think there were any sparks, though.

Why no sparks?

Uh, we-- (chuckles)

we had a little kiss at the end of the night,

but I felt like I was kissing my cousin, and--

Oh, cousin kissing. I know what that's like.

'Cause I really did have fun with her. We had a great time.

I mean, I haven't had a night like that in a while

where two people were just like...

being themselves, relaxed, and keeping it real, man.

Yeah, man, that's cool, and listen, she's going through a lot.

She just lost a really good friend,

she just got over cancer, she just got a new job.

I mean, she probably gonna take a little time for her, you know?

She had cancer?

Are you fucking serious?

Well, I think she used to have cancer,

but she doesn't have cancer anymore.

Did-- did she not tell you this? No.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

(cell phone chimes)

(jazz music playing) (doorbell ringing)

Hello. Ellen: Hi.

How are you? Good.

Come on in. Thanks.

You look nice. Thank you.

You too. Oh, thank you.

I wasn't sure what you drank,

so I hope Rioja is okay. I'm sure it'll be delicious.

Thank you. Yup.

I do have some weed if you wanna get high.

Smoke some weed? No, I'm okay for right now.

You all right? Okay. Yeah, thanks.

It smells really good in here. Thank you.

(both chuckle) It's bacon-wrapped chili peppers

stuffed with cheese, homemade salsa.

I think that might be a lot of spice for me.

Oh. Okay.

Hey, I thought because you put

so much chili pepper on your pizza the other night,

I thought you liked the spice.

I mean, I do, sometimes.

But... I've got a thing with my stomach,

and I just can't overdo it.

Oh. I totally overdid it the other night.

Hey, that's no problem.

Is it IBS or something?

No, I had stomach cancer last year.

Oh. Wow.

Stomach cancer. That's big.

You okay?

You're pretending like you don't know.

I don't know?

Our weed guy texted me

and said that he told you.

Yeah, he did. He did.

Do you have a problem with that? No, it's not a problem.

It's not a problem.

So why are you pretending like you don't know?

Well, because I don't know.

I don't know, and it's none of my business.

I'm just-- I'm just trying to be respectful.

Well, would you like it to be your business?

Sure.

I'm in remission.

The oncologist says that my recovery has been--

Hold on. Really sorry.

I shouldn't continue cooking this stuff if you can't eat it,

all right? And I wanna-- I wanna get this,

so why don't we go talk about this

over some food that you can eat. Would that be okay?

Sure, that sounds great. Excellent. Just give me a minute.

Give me a minute. Cool.

Just gonna go to the bathroom.

I'll be right back. Okay.

(urinating)

Oh.

Oh shit.

Oh... fuck.

God damn it! I got chili in my eyes!

Oh no!

Do you need something? No, it's cool.

Fuck. Let me just wash this out.

Okay.

Oh... God.

Oh God!

Oh f-- Ellen?

Yeah?

(Victor chuckles) I'm having some issues here.

What? Say that again?

Oh shit!

Hi.

Okay. All right.

Thank you. Here you go. How's that?

Oh... it's a little better.

That's great.

You're in a lot of pain?

Oh, my balls. I mean-- You are.

Your balls are on fire. Yes.

Okay. Well... Yes. Ah!

...do you mind if I...

Oh God, this is so fucking embarrassing. ...help you with that?

No, it's not. It's totally fine.

We just gotta... handle it.

I'm... (moaning)

Where does it hurt? Where does it sting?

Under my balls at the base of the shaft.

Oh God. Okay.

Um, well... Fuck.

...I don't want to ruin your couch,

so how about--

Forget it. I should just do this myself.

No, it's totally fine. Shh. If you just--

can you just scootch your butt down

to the-- to the edge?

You need to get to the-- You want me to scootch?

I do. I'm scootched already.

Keep scootching. Oh God. Okay.

Okay, so just scootch to the edge of the couch. Fine.

Oh no, please. And I'm--

I'm gonna-- Really?

Yeah. Yeah. And I'm gonna...

just dip your balls into the milk. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

You-- there's no reason to be sorry.

Can you just-- can you just-- Ah. Ah.

Just dip. Three, two,

one. Oh.

Oh my goodness.

Is it okay? Oh my God.

That is fucking amazing.

(chuckles) Well, that's good.

Is this organic milk?

(both laughing)

I can tell it's fucking grass-fed fucking cows.

I can't believe you just said that.

Shit. Whatever helps, you know?

(laughter continues)

Shit.

? ?

(bird chirping)

(doorbell rings)

What are you doing? I got breakfast.

Come on in.

I hope you like milk and sugar. I love milk and sugar.

I saw your note.

What do you wanna do today?

Today? Mm-hmm.

Do you have a pair of binoculars?

? ?

(no discernible dialog)

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