All language subtitles for Derek s02e04 Episode 4.eng

Yes, that's really coming on
there. Lovely.

Make sure you don't leave any white
between the, er, the fruit there.

Try and get all the colour in.
Really coming on.

Keep at it. Lovely.

Hm. You've added a cat.
Yeah.

Ha! That's perfectly fine. A real artist
paints what he sees personally, so...

Yeah, I drawed it cos I wishes
there was a cat there anyway.

OK. I always wishes there
was a cat there.

I wish there... Oh! Next time,
we should draw a cat.

Good idea.

It's a true story.

Don't see any fruit.

Oh, there's fruit, love.
I got a kumquat up my rectum.

The dwarf can't believe
his luck.

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'We do loads of classes.
Every week, art, book club, yoga.'

Roll your shoulders back.

'They love it. Keeps them
mentally and physically fit.'

And then forward.

That's it, and then onto all fours
like this.

And then just look up
to the ceiling.

Like that.
Don't forget to breathe.

That's it.

And lift your right leg up!

And lift your left leg up.

I fucking love Wednesdays.

Yeah, we do it every
Wednesday now. It's good...

You know, it's good for the
circulation, good for their heart.

Vicky takes the class. Not everyone
joins in, you know.

Joe doesn't do it any more cos of his
wig. He don't say that but it's obvious.

Stop it. Is that why?

Well, yeah.
Oh, bless him.

I could... I could offer
to glue it or pin it or...

You can't. You can't.

Because then you'd say it's a
wig and then he'd know that we know.

Oh, come on. He must know
we know it's a wig.

No, he's saying his hair grew
back.

So, we got to be like,
"Oh, my God! It's a miracle!"

Oh. I don't see the point of wigs,
me. It's so obvious. It moves.

Flipping heck.
What?

I knew it. No-one wants
to get in contact with me.

That's why I didn't
want to go on. It's embarrassing.

These things take time. It takes a
long time to meet someone special.

Look at me and Tom.

He just came in and you started
going out.

Well, yeah, but it... it can take
a long time. People are busy.

Geoff says it's cos
my picture is horrendous.

Well, don't listen to Geoff. Why not?
You can't believe everything he says.

How do I know what to
believe and what not to?

Well, check with me first.
OK.

Firstly, if you gives a pigeon
Alka-Seltzer, does it really explode?

Why would you give a pigeon
Alka-Seltzer? I wouldn't.

But...
Who's giving pigeons Alka-Seltzer?

Geoff said it happens. It explodes.
No. That doesn't happen.

What are you... why are you
carrying stuff?

Because they need to go over there.
You can't...

'Tom's doing my head in.'

I mean, it's sweet, but he's
fussing a little bit too much.

Everybody's fussing too much, you
know? It's like a community baby.

Edna tried to give me ten pounds
today to open a bank account for it.

It's that big at this stage.

You don't need a bank account when
you're that big.

When you're young, you don't
want to waste time.

Hey. What you doing? What you doing?

What? You shouldn't be carrying
stuff. What? We talked about that.

I'm fine. Do you want a coffee?
You're not having a coffee?

I am.

Oh, come on, have a tea.
Have a herbal tea.

Cos even tea's got tannin
and caffeine in.

If I want to have a coffee,
I'll have a coffee.

I'm thinking of taking up
crack, just to annoy him.

What about this?
That's my favourite one.

Oh, that's lovely.
Oh, I like that. All right?

Hannah, look. He's found
a lovely buggy.

Just right. It is right.

I don't know if we can afford it.
It's early to worry about a buggy.

And Nan's been making a bonnet.
Look at that. Isn't it adorable?

Well...

We're going to the zoo today.
I'm... I'm just getting in the mood,

looking at my favouritest
videos on YouTube.

Animal videos, with a song,
usually.

This one is, um... one
of my favourite songs ever.

Baby Bunny.

Hamster. A hamster in there.

I loves him. I loves the hamster too but
I don't know what he's doing there.

It's not about him.

We're off to the zoo today, which I think
is probably Derek's best day ever.

'He loves being with the animals.

'What he doesn't know is I've arranged
for him to be keeper for a day,

'which means that he can actually get
in with the animals.

'He's going to love it.
It's going to blow his mind.'

You look nice... for the zoo.

Oh, cheers.

Is that cos you're on the prowl?

Well, you never know who you're
going to meet? Good point.

I don't want to go to the zoo
looking like a skank.

You can't have that, can you?

Oh. Hello! Can I help you?

Yes, um... I just, er...

My mum wanted to drop in to see
if it was somewhere she might like to...

She doesn't have to,
but she just wanted to...

OK... have a little look.

Right, OK. Hello. What's your name?
It's Pat, but she's deaf.

Oh, right. Can she lip-read?

Not really. Her eyesight's
not what it was, so...

OK. Hello! Hello. How are you?

This is Pat. She's deaf. Oh.

There was an old lady what used to
live here that was deaf, taught me.

I'm Derek. Which is...

that... innit?

Derek. She knows.
Everyone, this is Pat.

She's deaf.

Some of them learned a little bit.
Arthur, you just said, "Haddock."

Sorry about that.

We were actually going to
the zoo today. Yeah.

But you're welcome to stay.

Yeah. Um...

Yes, she would like to,
thank you.

Oh, that's great. Lovely. Well...

Giraffes.

Penguins.

Emu.

Er... tortoises.

Wallabies.

Anteaters.

Meerkats.

Absolutely everything here.
Oh! Gorillas.

Gorillas, my favouritest animal. And
tigers, my favouritest animal.

They're all my favouritest. All
animals are my favouritest.

Except spiders.
I'm not even looking there.

We're not going in the bug
place, just in case.

Gapa-logas.
That's it.

Galapogases.
Gala-pos... Islands. Yeah.

That's where they come from,
don't they? Galapogas.

I had a few nights with those.
Ooh.

Bearded pigs?
Bearded pigs.

They've gone off to the zoo
today so, basically, I'm in charge.

Essentially. I'm looking after
the home.

Keeping 'em in line.

What's there being in charge of?
D'you know what I mean?

It's like being in charge
of a necropolis.

Shove a blanket on 'em
and leave 'em.

I love penguins.

It's magical.
Watch him catch it. Watch.

See that?

Oh! It's got a haircut
like Dougie.

Ain't he?

Look, he's full. Come on.

Them aardvarks have
got it right, haven't they?

24/7. Soixante-neuf.

Innit? End of the day.

Tried it with Janice once.

What a messy five minutes
that was.

It's boring as anything. Hannah's
always running around, whittling.

You know, "Oh, I've got to get that
ready. I've got to do this. I've got..."

Always busy. Do you know what I
mean? But there's nothing to do.

What is there to be in charge of?

I don't know how much she earns, but
she's overpaid, whatever it is.

I could be doing that.

See, Hannah's pregnant, ain't she?
So she's going to be off soon.

Know what I mean? That's how
much she cares for this job.

She's going to be off
having a baby.

Who's going to look after it? Who's
going to keep the place running?

Don't know.
She hasn't thought about that.

"I want a baby."

You know what I mean?
"Oh, I'm desperate for a baby."

I do want to be a mum.

I...I didn't really think I'd get a
chance, to be honest, or... want to.

But Tom's brought that out in me.

I'm not used to babies.

I'm used to people at the other end
of the life cycle.

It's exciting.

Erm... I'm looking forward to
being a dad.

I think it's a good time for it,
as well.

Erm... I don't have a lot going on
career-wise, so that makes sense.

And, erm, I think
we're at the right age.

'Do you know what I mean? Like it's
sort of now or never, so...'

Oh!

This is incredible.
This is my bestest day ever.

He looks exactly like Arthur.

Innit? Spitting image.

Kill me. If I end up in here,
just kill me. Seriously.

I'm not even joking, mate.
Just do it.

It's like being in prison,
ain't it?

Right. Well. I'm off to put a bet
on, anyway.

Done my 40 hours this week,
so...

All right?

No idea.

Oh. Please. What? Would you post
my birthday card?

It's got to get there tomorrow
morning. What?

Well, there's no stamp.

Oh, would you get one?

What? Money.

Ooh.
Know what I mean?

Well, I... I've only got
a five-pound note.

Right. Well, that'll do, thank you.

They think the world owes
them a living, don't they?

What?

Here we are again.
Oh, did you post my card?

Yes, I posted your card.

Was there any change
from the five-pound note?

Well, if there was, I'd keep it
for going out of my way, wouldn't I?

Unbelievable, innit?

She's... she's determined.

She's after my toes.

Luckily, I can outrun a tortoise.

See his tongue? Look at his tongue.

Could have some fun with that.

You seen Joe's wig?

It's a wig, innit? Can you tell
it's a wig? You can, can't you?

Whigfield!

He heard then, didn't he?

Shall I pull it off? Shall I pull
his wig off? Do you dare me?

Erm... Joe.

Hannah called.
We've got to wash all the rugs.

Starting with yours.
Everyone knows it's a wig, mate.

I don't have a wig. No?

What do you reckon, Jack? Jack?
Do you reckon he's got a wig?

Says it's not a wig, it's not a wig.

All right.

My hair grew back. Right.

So, if I pull it,
it won't come off, then, will it?

His hair grew back.

All right.

OK.

Can't take a joke, can you?

Can't even have a joke.
Unbelievable. Pathetic.

Sit down, mate.

Sit down, old man.

Yes.

We're just looking at ostriches.
Emus. What's the difference?

Rod Hull had an emu.
Bernie Clifton was on an ostrich.

That's how I tells, anyway.

Anyway.

I just... just want to
get it out there, mate.

What?

All those problems
we've been having, me and Janice.

I dunno. Yeah, you do.

Yeah. She left me.

Been putting it about a bit.

Word on the street,
she's now called the hefty gobbler.

Ah. Nah, we're better than ever now.

Sex.

I dunno. Yeah, you do.

I don't know.
Proper good make-up sex.

Cos what with all her issues,
you know,

premature balding, breathing,

asthma,

eczema, constricted nasal passages...

...constant constipation...

..I've added into the mix
a little bit of guilt and shame.

Proper heady cocktail
in the bedroom, mate.

Mm.

Right, then. On to the rodents.

Hello.

Hello. You all right?
Are you guys students?

No, bit old for that.

We just get a lot of field trips.

I thought you might have been
at university together.

No, we work at an old people's home.
Ah. She's my boss.

Oh, the boss, eh? Mm.

Yeah, she's pregnant and all.

Congratulations. Thank you.

I'd love to settle down. I haven't
found a girl who'll have me yet.

Ha!

I'd love to be a dad.

I'd have it. Sorry?

I...I said I won't have it,
that you can't find a girl.

Oh, it's just cos I work all hours.

You know, I'm here in the day,
and then at night sometimes

I'm, er... I'm an actor.

Which usually means
out-of-work actor.

Shut up! What have you been in?

Erm... nothing you would have seen,
just, erm, I do theatre mostly.

Aw! I... I adore the theatre.

Yeah?

What theatre do you like?

Er... well, I love the one in town.

Er... do you want to come there
for a drink some time?

It's got a bar.
They don't just do plays and that.

Yeah, that would be great.

All right, erm, are you on Twitter?
I'll follow you.

Er... no. Facebook?

No, erm, I'm in the phone book.

What's that? Like an app?

I should take your number.
Yeah, go on, then.

What's your name?
Er... Victoria.

Nice to meet you, Victoria. I'm Andy.

Do you come to the zoo often, do you?
Er... no.

First time. Right. Thanks.

Um... just give me a call, yeah?
I will.

Tonight. OK.

We're back at five,
so whenever you're ready. OK.

Bye. Bye.

Fuck me. He's fit, ain't he?

Fucking hell.
Well, you styled it out.

Yeah, thanks.

Yeah, cos no-one would have been
able to tell you liked him.

You think? Mm.

Hah!

Hello. Hello. I got some things.

I got to sort them out, though.

Hold on.

Oh, yeah? Hello.

Did you go to the zoo? Look, there.

That's fantastic. We saw a monkey
what looked exactly like Arthur.

There you go, there you go.

Elephant. Elephant.

Look, and so I got another thing
to... to talk to.

I can do my ven... ventrilo...
Ventriloquism.

What is it? Ventriloquism.
What is it? Ventriloquism.

What?

Christ's sake!
Why ain't he called yet?

You only met him an hour ago.
Victoria met Mr Right.

Ooh. Er... no, I don't know
about Mr Right.

He is Mr Fit, though, ain't he? Hm!

Oh, come on, call me!

Why didn't I take his number?

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Got my phone on loud and everything
so I don't miss the call.

This is why I don't bother.
Do you know what I mean?

Phone calls are so stressful.
Like, texting, DMing, it's easier.

He did seem like a nice bloke. Yeah.

I thought he was lovely.

Sheila, you'll be well proud of me.
He's a nice one. Proper gentleman.

Well, make sure you let him know
you're a lady.

Ha. Don't worry, Sheila.

When I get the chance, I'm going to
lady his fucking brains out.

Er... ha. Right, well,
I'm going to go to the loo.

When I get back, I'll help you
stare at your phone, yeah?

Whatever. Do you want a cuppa?
Yes, please.

It was unbelievable. And they let me
get in with the giant tort....

You know giant tortoises?
They're not little tortoises.

They was older than you, right. Ooh!

And, um... one of them
was heavier than Janice.

Yeah, it was incredible.

Seriously, though, girls,
he's so sexy.

Should have got a picture for you.
He's well nice.

I'll bring him in one day, if you
want, meet you. Love him.

That's why I've still got my coat
on. Soon as he calls, I'm off.

Hm! Yeah, no, I ain't letting
this one go, that's for sure.

He's well nice, I tell you.

The wallabies and the emus.
They're both from Australia.

Even though they're different,
they gets along.

Kev said he was waiting for the emu
to have sex with the kangaroo.

I said that would never happen.

Vicky? You all right?

Have you got any tampons?

Not on me. What do you need tampons
for? You're preg...

Fuck, Hannah, are you all right?
I'm going to go to the doctor.

Tom was supposed to meet me here,
but I can't get hold of him.

He must be on the tube.

I'll tell him to call you as soon
as he gets here. That'll be Andy.

Do you want me to tell him to go
straight to the doctor's or just call you?

Andy, can you call me back later,
please? Cheers.

Just tell Tom to call me
the minute he gets here, yeah?

I will. I'm not worried.

As long as you're all right. I'll speak to
you as soon as I can. All right.

Where's she going?
Er... Derek, come here.

What? She's, erm...

That's why she's gone
to the doctor, then? Yeah.

I'm gutted.

Everyone got a little bit ahead
of themselves.

You know,
it wasn't meant to be this time.

It's fine.

Would it sort have been my nephew?

I wanted to hold it.

That's my favourite thing.

Holding little things.

Hugging.

Makes you feel good,
hugging, don't it?

Cos it... it reminds you
of when you was little...

..and when it was real safe,
and it makes you safe again.

Also, I never knows what to say,
so I just hugs.

And that sort of says it all,
don't it?

What a week.

Still.

Life goes on.

OK, and arch your back.

That's it. Lift your right leg up.

That's it, and then down
and lift your left leg up.

There we go.

And look up to the ceiling.

Don't forget to breathe.

And then sit back on it. That's it.

And breathe.

Give your shoulders a little...
little shake-up.

And down.

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