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1
00:00:14,687 --> 00:00:18,687
Yes!
That's wee stick.
2
00:00:21,104 --> 00:00:23,903
First day on the job...
3
00:00:23,904 --> 00:00:27,904
Officially.
4
00:00:31,310 --> 00:00:34,269
Hannah's pregnant!
What he said.
5
00:00:34,270 --> 00:00:35,429
Derek!
6
00:00:35,430 --> 00:00:38,109
Look. She has to wee there,
and if it's pregnant
7
00:00:38,110 --> 00:00:39,829
it goes a little cross,
and there's a little cross.
8
00:00:39,830 --> 00:00:43,110
So his testicles works!
She's having a baby.
9
00:00:44,310 --> 00:00:46,349
How long was that a secret?
10
00:00:46,350 --> 00:00:49,125
I bet my wee was still warm
on the stick!
11
00:00:50,416 --> 00:00:53,429
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
12
00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:57,069
Oh, nice one, you guys.
I knew you could do it.
13
00:00:57,070 --> 00:00:59,669
Thank you. Everyone just calm down.
Shall we tweet that?
14
00:00:59,670 --> 00:01:01,989
No. No, definitely not.
15
00:01:01,990 --> 00:01:04,629
And anyway, Derek, all your followers
are in the room, so they�ll know.
16
00:01:04,630 --> 00:01:08,349
Everyone knows.
17
00:01:08,350 --> 00:01:11,149
Hannah's pregnant.
See where the wee... Oh.
18
00:01:11,150 --> 00:01:13,509
..and then turns that little cross?
God, you need to stop him.
19
00:01:13,510 --> 00:01:15,229
I found it in the bin.
Derek, Derek...
20
00:01:15,230 --> 00:01:16,429
What?
Put that in the bin.
21
00:01:16,430 --> 00:01:18,109
I'm just showing these... Look,
that's where she wee-ed,
22
00:01:18,110 --> 00:01:19,269
and that's where she's pregnant.
Come on,
23
00:01:19,270 --> 00:01:20,309
listen, everybody doesn't
want... Geoff.
24
00:01:20,310 --> 00:01:21,949
Hannah's pregnant.
25
00:01:21,950 --> 00:01:24,789
I hope she's going to keep it...
26
00:01:24,790 --> 00:01:27,069
What?
What?
27
00:01:27,070 --> 00:01:28,989
No, I'm just... just saying I
hope she's going to keep it,
28
00:01:28,990 --> 00:01:31,509
cos I heard that aborted babies go up
to heaven, right, and they grow up,
29
00:01:31,510 --> 00:01:34,069
but then they wait for the mums to come
up, cos they hate them, and they hate them
30
00:01:34,070 --> 00:01:36,589
for murdering them, and then they, like,
punish the mums for ever and ever.
31
00:01:36,590 --> 00:01:40,149
It�s like purgatory, basically.
32
00:01:40,150 --> 00:01:43,069
What's he banging on about? I'm
telling you what I heard. I'm not...
33
00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:44,709
Right.
Yeah.
34
00:01:44,710 --> 00:01:46,269
Got it.
35
00:01:46,270 --> 00:01:47,749
Come on, let's put that in the bin.
Why don't you just shut up?
36
00:01:47,750 --> 00:01:49,349
Yeah, listen to her.
37
00:01:49,350 --> 00:01:51,669
Shut your mouth.
What?
38
00:01:51,670 --> 00:01:53,789
What's wrong with you? Not allowed
to say what I think?
39
00:01:53,790 --> 00:01:57,790
It's weird, isn't it?
40
00:02:02,470 --> 00:02:04,949
How long's it take you to
finish a jigsaw?
41
00:02:04,950 --> 00:02:07,829
Oh, don't know really.
Till it's done.
42
00:02:07,830 --> 00:02:10,829
That's your tea there, Annie.
43
00:02:10,830 --> 00:02:13,669
Here, Anthony's asked me out
on a date.
44
00:02:13,670 --> 00:02:15,629
Has he?
Yeah.
45
00:02:15,630 --> 00:02:17,669
When did he ask you?
Last night.
46
00:02:17,670 --> 00:02:19,069
Can I go?
47
00:02:19,070 --> 00:02:21,549
Of course you can.
It's exciting.
48
00:02:21,550 --> 00:02:24,469
But, what... Anthony, my dad Anthony,
asked you out on a date?
49
00:02:24,470 --> 00:02:26,989
And you�re going with him?
Yeah.
50
00:02:26,990 --> 00:02:29,389
Fuck off, then, you prick,
and go shag someone else.
51
00:02:29,390 --> 00:02:31,309
See if I care.
You're a dickhead.
52
00:02:31,310 --> 00:02:32,949
Oh fuck off, will ya?!
53
00:02:32,950 --> 00:02:34,429
Morning.
54
00:02:34,430 --> 00:02:37,589
Morning!
Are you all right?
55
00:02:37,590 --> 00:02:39,229
Anthony's asked Annie out on
a date.
56
00:02:39,230 --> 00:02:41,709
Oh, fuck.
Men are all dickheads.
57
00:02:41,710 --> 00:02:44,190
The lot of them.
They're all pricks, ain't they?
58
00:02:45,870 --> 00:02:47,709
Where's he taking ya?
59
00:02:47,710 --> 00:02:49,069
A restaurant.
60
00:02:49,070 --> 00:02:50,629
Oh, that's nice, innit?
61
00:02:50,630 --> 00:02:52,749
Do you want me to do your hair?
62
00:02:52,750 --> 00:02:54,509
Would you? Oh, thank you.
63
00:02:54,510 --> 00:02:56,269
Was that your new beau then?
64
00:02:56,270 --> 00:02:57,549
Yeah.
65
00:02:57,550 --> 00:02:59,389
What happened to tattoo face?
66
00:02:59,390 --> 00:03:03,390
I got an upgrade, all right? But he's as
big a dick as the last one, so...
67
00:03:04,510 --> 00:03:06,829
So?
All right?
68
00:03:06,830 --> 00:03:09,949
You like bad boys, eh?
69
00:03:09,950 --> 00:03:11,269
Look no further.
70
00:03:11,270 --> 00:03:12,829
Yeah, there's...
71
00:03:12,830 --> 00:03:15,029
There's bad and there's bad,
in't there?
72
00:03:15,030 --> 00:03:17,669
Explain.
73
00:03:17,670 --> 00:03:21,670
Well, there's bad like a lion,
74
00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:25,910
like, he's big and scary and
handsome, but he's dangerous.
75
00:03:26,310 --> 00:03:29,989
Like, so you might get hurt.
There's that bad.
76
00:03:29,990 --> 00:03:32,069
Then there's bad like a...
77
00:03:32,070 --> 00:03:36,070
like a massive bucket of shit,
and piss,
78
00:03:36,270 --> 00:03:39,869
and beer, and fag butts,
and all the rest of it,
79
00:03:39,870 --> 00:03:42,949
and everyone can smell it,
and no-one wants to touch it.
80
00:03:42,950 --> 00:03:45,829
Not under any circumstances.
81
00:03:45,830 --> 00:03:49,830
There's that bad.
And I'm the bucket, yeah?
82
00:03:50,510 --> 00:03:53,149
Nice analogy.
83
00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:54,830
Well explained.
84
00:03:58,350 --> 00:03:59,549
See ya in a bit, yeah?
85
00:03:59,550 --> 00:04:03,550
Yeah, see ya.
86
00:04:16,470 --> 00:04:18,709
Derek, you know they're
cooking chocolate, don't you?
87
00:04:18,710 --> 00:04:21,149
Yeah, I likes all chocolate.
88
00:04:21,150 --> 00:04:23,429
Vicky!
Don't eat them all.
89
00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:24,509
No, just enough.
90
00:04:24,510 --> 00:04:27,869
Oh, fuck. Dickhead's back.
91
00:04:27,870 --> 00:04:29,829
Do you want me to come
with you? No, don't worry.
92
00:04:29,830 --> 00:04:33,830
- I'll deal with him.
- Vicky!
93
00:04:36,190 --> 00:04:38,149
God, what are you doing here?
That her boyfriend?
94
00:04:38,150 --> 00:04:40,429
Don't come here. I work here.
They're arguing.
95
00:04:40,430 --> 00:04:42,829
- Shall I go out there?
- Derek.
96
00:04:42,830 --> 00:04:44,189
What?
Never get involved in
97
00:04:44,190 --> 00:04:46,429
affairs of the heart, mate.
Also, he might have a knife.
98
00:04:46,430 --> 00:04:48,109
Get off me!
99
00:04:48,110 --> 00:04:52,110
He's grabbing her!
Shall I go out there?
100
00:04:52,950 --> 00:04:54,989
Hannah's out there.
101
00:04:54,990 --> 00:04:58,149
Get your fucking hands off her,
you little cunt! Fucking bully.
102
00:04:58,150 --> 00:05:01,109
What do you want, you little
cunt? Fuck off!
103
00:05:01,110 --> 00:05:03,469
You fucking deserved that,
you little prick.
104
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:04,589
You had enough?
105
00:05:04,590 --> 00:05:06,029
Right.
106
00:05:06,030 --> 00:05:08,029
- You dickhead!
- Get inside. Get inside.
107
00:05:08,030 --> 00:05:09,509
Fuck you, you bitch.
Fuck's sake.
108
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:12,589
Fucking hell!
109
00:05:12,590 --> 00:05:14,510
They beat him up.
110
00:05:20,790 --> 00:05:22,829
Did you see that? Yeah.
What was she shouting?
111
00:05:22,830 --> 00:05:23,869
What was you shouting?
112
00:05:23,870 --> 00:05:24,949
Oh, she's mental.
Nothing.
113
00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:27,709
"Who wants it?" She was smacking the
other boy. She said "cunt" a lot as well!
114
00:05:27,710 --> 00:05:29,669
All right!
Sorry.
115
00:05:29,670 --> 00:05:32,549
You're a legend! Take a bow....
116
00:05:32,550 --> 00:05:35,469
That just happened. I actually hit a
bloke with a rolling pin.
117
00:05:35,470 --> 00:05:37,549
All I need now is an apron on
and my hair in rollers.
118
00:05:37,550 --> 00:05:39,829
You've got an apron on,
and your hair is up, so...
119
00:05:39,830 --> 00:05:41,389
Yeah, that's true.
That's it then.
120
00:05:41,390 --> 00:05:45,390
I am actually a 1950s battle-axe now from
an old Beano. Brilliant. I am my nan.
121
00:05:45,830 --> 00:05:47,229
Oh, God. You're mad.
122
00:05:47,230 --> 00:05:48,509
I'm mad?
You go out with these blokes.
123
00:05:48,510 --> 00:05:50,549
If you didn't go out with them,
I wouldn't have to hit them.
124
00:05:50,550 --> 00:05:53,389
Oh, sorry, you're the mad one, hitting
people with rolling pins. Who does that?
125
00:05:53,390 --> 00:05:55,349
I like.... I like the sound it
makes.
126
00:05:55,350 --> 00:05:56,469
Did you?
127
00:05:56,470 --> 00:05:58,629
Yeah, it's like a... "donk"!
128
00:05:58,630 --> 00:06:00,749
You were happy with that,
were you? Yeah!
129
00:06:00,750 --> 00:06:02,229
Over the moon with that,
the donk.
130
00:06:02,230 --> 00:06:04,709
It was quite funny, actually.
It was quite a laugh.
131
00:06:04,710 --> 00:06:06,669
Oh, he deserved it an' all,
that's...
132
00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:10,670
He did.
133
00:06:17,510 --> 00:06:20,349
Vicky... I got another tweet.
Oh, yeah. Go on, then.
134
00:06:20,350 --> 00:06:22,269
Quick.
Yeah.
135
00:06:22,270 --> 00:06:25,309
Hashtag Derek says...
Yeah, always.
136
00:06:25,310 --> 00:06:29,310
Derek says, RT if you loves
toast.
137
00:06:29,910 --> 00:06:31,909
Is that it, yeah? Yep.
138
00:06:31,910 --> 00:06:35,189
Send.
Done.
139
00:06:35,190 --> 00:06:37,989
Bloody hell. He loves Twitter,
he does.
140
00:06:37,990 --> 00:06:39,629
We should get you on there,
Sheila.
141
00:06:39,630 --> 00:06:40,749
No!
142
00:06:40,750 --> 00:06:44,229
Yeah, you'd love it. Great way to
talk to your mates or meet boys.
143
00:06:44,230 --> 00:06:46,269
I'm too old for all that now.
144
00:06:46,270 --> 00:06:49,429
Oh, I don't know. Why how did yous
lot network when you was younger?
145
00:06:49,430 --> 00:06:50,629
Sent a letter.
146
00:06:50,630 --> 00:06:53,909
Yeah, but, how long did that
take?
147
00:06:53,910 --> 00:06:57,829
Three or four days to get there,
and then wait for the reply.
148
00:06:57,830 --> 00:06:59,789
Wouldn't you just have a new
boyfriend by then?
149
00:06:59,790 --> 00:07:03,549
Yes. Some girls did.
150
00:07:03,550 --> 00:07:07,389
Yeah, we had a...
a name for that sort of thing.
151
00:07:07,390 --> 00:07:10,389
Go for the nice ones.
152
00:07:10,390 --> 00:07:14,189
They'll stay nice ones,
whatever happens.
153
00:07:14,190 --> 00:07:16,589
These exciting peacocks,
154
00:07:16,590 --> 00:07:18,949
one day, the feathers'll all fall
out.
155
00:07:18,950 --> 00:07:21,269
And what are they then?
156
00:07:21,270 --> 00:07:23,269
Just cocks?
157
00:07:23,270 --> 00:07:27,270
Exactly!
158
00:07:29,310 --> 00:07:31,229
Here she comes.
159
00:07:31,230 --> 00:07:35,230
She's got a lot of love to give,
that woman. A lot of love.
160
00:07:36,150 --> 00:07:40,150
Neck and face like a blind cobbler's
thumb, but a lot of bloody love.
161
00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:44,710
Still, you don't look at the mantelpiece
when you're poking the fire.
162
00:07:45,110 --> 00:07:49,110
The mantelpiece being the face,
the fire being the minge or the ass.
163
00:07:49,590 --> 00:07:51,749
Whatever I can reach at the
time.
164
00:07:51,750 --> 00:07:53,109
Normally the ass.
165
00:07:53,110 --> 00:07:57,110
Take a left turn, babe.
166
00:07:59,870 --> 00:08:03,870
Take your time. OK?
167
00:08:05,790 --> 00:08:09,549
That's it. Pop yourself in there.
168
00:08:09,550 --> 00:08:13,550
Bloody hell, there's
literally no room for me now.
169
00:08:13,790 --> 00:08:17,790
Like squeezing into a tin of
Spam.
170
00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:29,789
Look.... What's he... What's he...
171
00:08:29,790 --> 00:08:33,790
Here you go, Derek. Are you all
right? I'm distressed. My...
172
00:08:33,990 --> 00:08:36,389
My dad's taking Tom's nan
out on a date.
173
00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:38,989
It's not against the rules or
anything.
174
00:08:38,990 --> 00:08:41,109
He's still chasing ladies at his
age, innit?
175
00:08:41,110 --> 00:08:44,429
And I'm happy that he's happy. And
I'm happy that she's happy,
176
00:08:44,430 --> 00:08:46,709
but it's complicated, innit,
relationships?
177
00:08:46,710 --> 00:08:47,869
What if summat goes wrong
178
00:08:47,870 --> 00:08:50,349
and it's awkward and they got to see each
other every day?
179
00:08:50,350 --> 00:08:52,389
And what if the other ladies
get jealous, says "I...
180
00:08:52,390 --> 00:08:54,909
"I wanted to go out with a man.
Why couldn't he go out with me?"
181
00:08:54,910 --> 00:08:57,109
What if they all starts doing
it? Going out with each other.
182
00:08:57,110 --> 00:08:58,669
It'll be like TOWIE in 'ere.
183
00:08:58,670 --> 00:09:00,189
Oh, Derek.
184
00:09:00,190 --> 00:09:01,549
Have you not ever tried dating
before?
185
00:09:01,550 --> 00:09:02,909
No.
186
00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:05,669
Well, you should. Everyone's doing
it nowadays online.
187
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:08,589
Get yourself an internet dating profile.
Put your picture up. Worth a try.
188
00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:10,229
Good idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good idea.
189
00:09:10,230 --> 00:09:11,789
Yeah, come on.
No, it's all right.
190
00:09:11,790 --> 00:09:13,869
Come on, it's worth a try, Derek.
Let's get you on the computer, boy.
191
00:09:13,870 --> 00:09:15,269
Come on.
What are you doing?
192
00:09:15,270 --> 00:09:17,029
Vicky?
Um...
193
00:09:17,030 --> 00:09:19,669
What you doing?
Internet dating.
194
00:09:19,670 --> 00:09:22,349
Wh... What are you putting
in? Minge on demand.
195
00:09:22,350 --> 00:09:25,669
Don't... Don't put in "minge on
demand".
196
00:09:25,670 --> 00:09:29,670
All right. Quim on demand.
Don't put "quim".
197
00:09:39,150 --> 00:09:41,709
Are you all right?
198
00:09:41,710 --> 00:09:44,109
Are you all right?
Yeah...
199
00:09:44,110 --> 00:09:48,110
What's the matter?
200
00:09:48,830 --> 00:09:52,349
Annie...
What?
201
00:09:52,350 --> 00:09:55,149
She's asked me to...
202
00:09:55,150 --> 00:09:57,269
..to wax her.
203
00:09:57,270 --> 00:09:59,389
To what?
204
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:03,390
She wants me to wax her...
205
00:10:05,310 --> 00:10:07,429
Really?
206
00:10:07,430 --> 00:10:10,829
Yeah.
207
00:10:10,830 --> 00:10:12,709
What, for the...
208
00:10:12,710 --> 00:10:15,429
Yeah, the date, yeah.
209
00:10:15,430 --> 00:10:19,430
What, all of it?
Yeah.
210
00:10:19,630 --> 00:10:21,829
Yeah, she wants it...
211
00:10:21,830 --> 00:10:22,869
..all gone.
212
00:10:22,870 --> 00:10:26,870
What, like a Brazilian?
No. A Hollywood.
213
00:10:28,190 --> 00:10:29,760
Oh.
214
00:10:32,150 --> 00:10:36,150
Listen... after this is done...
215
00:10:36,750 --> 00:10:40,269
..we don't talk about this,
yeah? No.
216
00:10:40,270 --> 00:10:41,509
No.
217
00:10:41,510 --> 00:10:44,190
Like, never, yeah? No.
218
00:10:58,230 --> 00:10:59,989
Has anyone tried to get in contact
with me yet?
219
00:10:59,990 --> 00:11:01,669
Hold on, mate. I've just set up
the profile page.
220
00:11:01,670 --> 00:11:04,069
I knew they wouldn't. Nobody...
How we doing?
221
00:11:04,070 --> 00:11:06,469
He's set up my profile page
on Sweethearts Online.
222
00:11:06,470 --> 00:11:09,309
Dating website. That's me, that's
Derek Noakes. That's my picture.
223
00:11:09,310 --> 00:11:10,949
Brilliant.
That's all the stuff about me,
224
00:11:10,950 --> 00:11:13,869
and I just waits for ladies to want to....
That's all the ladies what are available.
225
00:11:13,870 --> 00:11:15,349
You got Clare... Yeah.
226
00:11:15,350 --> 00:11:19,350
Rachel... Yeah.
227
00:11:21,230 --> 00:11:23,629
It's Janice.
228
00:11:23,630 --> 00:11:25,749
It's my Janice.
229
00:11:25,750 --> 00:11:27,789
It's my Janice!
Are you sure it's definitely her?
230
00:11:27,790 --> 00:11:29,069
Yes, I am sure it's my Janice.
231
00:11:29,070 --> 00:11:31,989
I took that picture
when we were at the funfair.
232
00:11:31,990 --> 00:11:34,909
She's smiling there because I just
chucked one up her behind the ghost train.
233
00:11:34,910 --> 00:11:36,749
Look at her.
234
00:11:36,750 --> 00:11:38,509
Status single.
235
00:11:38,510 --> 00:11:41,189
That's nice, that's nice!
236
00:11:41,190 --> 00:11:43,109
Weight 130....
237
00:11:43,110 --> 00:11:45,189
130 pounds?
238
00:11:45,190 --> 00:11:48,149
She got 130 pounds in her pants.
239
00:11:48,150 --> 00:11:50,269
Jesus, who's that?
240
00:11:50,270 --> 00:11:51,909
It's his girlfriend. He's upset.
241
00:11:51,910 --> 00:11:55,910
She's put herself on a dating website
looking for another man, so he's...
242
00:11:55,990 --> 00:11:57,789
She's dumped you? Yeah.
243
00:11:57,790 --> 00:11:59,869
Aw! Are you feeling rejected?
Yeah, be nice.
244
00:11:59,870 --> 00:12:01,829
Is he crying? No, he's not crying.
Be nice, though.
245
00:12:01,830 --> 00:12:03,549
Aw... Loser.
246
00:12:03,550 --> 00:12:05,669
Kev.
I'll never get married. No way.
247
00:12:05,670 --> 00:12:07,829
Not letting them get half my house.
248
00:12:07,830 --> 00:12:09,589
Have you got a house? Eh?
249
00:12:09,590 --> 00:12:11,389
You got a house?
No, but me mum has,
250
00:12:11,390 --> 00:12:13,989
but, you know, they're not getting
that. I know what they're like.
251
00:12:13,990 --> 00:12:15,749
I know what you lot are like.
252
00:12:15,750 --> 00:12:19,750
Give 'em an inch,
they'll take a mile.
253
00:12:19,950 --> 00:12:21,429
Rejected.
254
00:12:21,430 --> 00:12:25,430
You have been rejected, Kevin.
255
00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:33,909
Come on, Kev. It's not that bad.
256
00:12:33,910 --> 00:12:37,749
Can't believe it.
257
00:12:37,750 --> 00:12:40,989
Thought she was my safety net.
258
00:12:40,990 --> 00:12:43,989
Or the big, old, stained crash-mat,
as I used to call her.
259
00:12:43,990 --> 00:12:46,029
What did she call you?
260
00:12:46,030 --> 00:12:47,509
Eh?
261
00:12:47,510 --> 00:12:50,029
Did you think it was exclusive?
262
00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:52,149
Well, who else would have her?
263
00:12:52,150 --> 00:12:53,869
You've seen her. You've smelt her.
264
00:12:53,870 --> 00:12:55,629
Mm.
265
00:12:55,630 --> 00:12:58,589
Called my brother for the first time
in three years, it must be bad.
266
00:12:58,590 --> 00:12:59,869
Yeah?
267
00:12:59,870 --> 00:13:01,829
He's a screw-up.
268
00:13:01,830 --> 00:13:04,669
He's the black sheep of the family.
269
00:13:04,670 --> 00:13:07,709
He's coming over.
270
00:13:07,710 --> 00:13:09,309
Sorry?
271
00:13:09,310 --> 00:13:11,149
He's the black sheep of the family?!
272
00:13:11,150 --> 00:13:12,629
Big time.
273
00:13:12,630 --> 00:13:13,989
Your family?
274
00:13:13,990 --> 00:13:17,389
The Twines.
275
00:13:17,390 --> 00:13:20,749
He's the one we dare
not speak about.
276
00:13:20,750 --> 00:13:24,750
But he's a good kid.
277
00:13:38,510 --> 00:13:40,749
I am at an all-time low.
278
00:13:40,750 --> 00:13:44,189
Janice has dumped me.
279
00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:48,190
Fuck me. How's that make me look?
280
00:13:48,390 --> 00:13:51,429
I've called my brother.
He's coming down.
281
00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:55,189
What a long, streaky, hairy,
pissy shit he is.
282
00:13:55,190 --> 00:13:58,069
Looks like a withered owl.
283
00:13:58,070 --> 00:13:59,469
But he's a good guy.
284
00:13:59,470 --> 00:14:02,749
He's my brother,
and we're there for one another.
285
00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:05,429
He's been very unfortunate
in his life, you know.
286
00:14:05,430 --> 00:14:07,229
Been run over nine times.
287
00:14:07,230 --> 00:14:09,909
I don't know what to expect.
288
00:14:09,910 --> 00:14:12,469
It's like when they say,
"Imagine how big the universe is,"
289
00:14:12,470 --> 00:14:14,629
and it's incomprehensible.
290
00:14:14,630 --> 00:14:18,630
There's someone out there
worse than Kev?!
291
00:14:23,510 --> 00:14:27,510
Brother. My brother, mate.
292
00:14:29,870 --> 00:14:33,870
Oi!
293
00:14:34,270 --> 00:14:36,949
Sign of the Twine, mate.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
294
00:14:36,950 --> 00:14:40,869
Whoa!
295
00:14:40,870 --> 00:14:42,229
We're... We're the flange warriors.
296
00:14:42,230 --> 00:14:44,189
We're the flange warriors, mate.
How you doing, mate?
297
00:14:44,190 --> 00:14:47,309
All right, boy?
298
00:14:47,310 --> 00:14:51,310
You're not used to the cameras,
are you? Here.
299
00:14:51,750 --> 00:14:53,829
I don't like that. Huh?
300
00:14:53,830 --> 00:14:57,829
I don't like that.
Ignore it. Ignore it, mate.
301
00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,549
Still got a lazy funnel? Yeah.
302
00:14:59,550 --> 00:15:01,589
Yeah?
303
00:15:01,590 --> 00:15:04,229
Oh, it's lovely to see you, mate.
304
00:15:04,230 --> 00:15:05,909
Are you all right, boy? Huh?
305
00:15:05,910 --> 00:15:08,189
You all right, boy? Yeah.
306
00:15:08,190 --> 00:15:09,629
Hello.
307
00:15:09,630 --> 00:15:11,589
My best mate.
308
00:15:11,590 --> 00:15:13,189
You his brother?
309
00:15:13,190 --> 00:15:15,789
Yip. What's....
310
00:15:15,790 --> 00:15:17,709
What's up with him?
311
00:15:17,710 --> 00:15:19,149
What's up with you, mate?
Where do we start?
312
00:15:19,150 --> 00:15:20,789
What you doing now, mate?
313
00:15:20,790 --> 00:15:22,629
Walking, mate. Whereabouts?
314
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:26,630
County to county. What d'you mean?
315
00:15:26,870 --> 00:15:28,789
Doing a... doing the rivers, ain't I?
316
00:15:28,790 --> 00:15:30,429
Shagging anything that moves?
317
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:34,430
We used to call him
Fuckleberry Finn.
318
00:15:35,030 --> 00:15:36,149
Hannah.
319
00:15:36,150 --> 00:15:40,150
Hello.
320
00:15:41,110 --> 00:15:43,549
She runs the place, mate.
Don't worry about her, she runs the place.
321
00:15:43,550 --> 00:15:45,109
Who's that? Hannah.
322
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:49,110
Been trying to do her pretty white
ass for 18 months.
323
00:15:49,430 --> 00:15:50,589
Good boy.
324
00:15:50,590 --> 00:15:53,829
So, what you shagging? Women? Men?
325
00:15:53,830 --> 00:15:57,709
Women. I won't shag men.
I'll let them....do me,
326
00:15:57,710 --> 00:15:59,709
because there's, you know...
327
00:15:59,710 --> 00:16:02,189
there's no feeling down there now.
328
00:16:02,190 --> 00:16:04,349
But a... p... penis...
329
00:16:04,350 --> 00:16:05,589
That's sacred, boy.
330
00:16:05,590 --> 00:16:09,309
Put it there, bro.
331
00:16:09,310 --> 00:16:10,509
How is your arse?
332
00:16:10,510 --> 00:16:14,069
Shot to shit.
333
00:16:14,070 --> 00:16:16,029
My arse has got no latch.
334
00:16:16,030 --> 00:16:19,189
That what you want to hear?
335
00:16:19,190 --> 00:16:21,029
Probably not.
336
00:16:21,030 --> 00:16:23,669
It's weird. Kev's the good one.
337
00:16:23,670 --> 00:16:24,749
I know.
338
00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:26,749
Kev's the smart one out of these two,
ain't he?
339
00:16:26,750 --> 00:16:28,229
It's lovely seeing you again, mate.
And you.
340
00:16:28,230 --> 00:16:30,789
You should move in 'ere.
341
00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:32,109
Nah...
342
00:16:32,110 --> 00:16:34,109
Come on, got a caravan
in the car park, mate.
343
00:16:34,110 --> 00:16:36,189
Landed on your feet, ain't ya?
344
00:16:36,190 --> 00:16:38,789
Old lucky bollocks here again.
That's not lucky bollocks, mate.
345
00:16:38,790 --> 00:16:39,869
It's lucky bollocks.
346
00:16:39,870 --> 00:16:41,989
Always the lucky one, weren't ya?!
You make your own fucking luck.
347
00:16:41,990 --> 00:16:44,909
You make your own fucking luck,
mate. Lucky one!
348
00:16:44,910 --> 00:16:46,789
You make your own luck, mate.
Lucky one!
349
00:16:46,790 --> 00:16:48,829
Right, well, then, yes,
there is someone worse than Kev.
350
00:16:48,830 --> 00:16:50,869
That's incredible, isn't it?
351
00:16:50,870 --> 00:16:54,870
Like, if I had to choose to be
one of 'em, I'd choose to be Kev.
352
00:16:54,950 --> 00:16:58,109
That's... I never thought
I'd say that.
353
00:16:58,110 --> 00:16:59,869
And this, got all this now,
ain't ya?
354
00:16:59,870 --> 00:17:02,269
Are you jealous of me?
355
00:17:02,270 --> 00:17:06,270
Fuck off!
356
00:17:06,510 --> 00:17:07,949
Dreaming, boy.
357
00:17:07,950 --> 00:17:11,789
Who puts these ideas in your 'ead?
358
00:17:11,790 --> 00:17:14,789
Come on, then, boy.
Talk to me, lean on me.
359
00:17:14,790 --> 00:17:18,189
My brother, in't he?
Talk to me, boy.
360
00:17:18,190 --> 00:17:20,189
Man falls in love. Hmm.
361
00:17:20,190 --> 00:17:22,309
Gives a woman everything.
362
00:17:22,310 --> 00:17:23,669
Emotionally...
363
00:17:23,670 --> 00:17:25,469
spiritually...
364
00:17:25,470 --> 00:17:28,309
Definitely does it bloody physically.
Yeah, I hear ya, mate. I hear ya.
365
00:17:28,310 --> 00:17:31,029
Do you? Keep talking to me.
366
00:17:31,030 --> 00:17:34,789
Well, the woman's not interested,
mate. She's looking elsewhere.
367
00:17:34,790 --> 00:17:36,909
I'm absolutely gutted, mate.
368
00:17:36,910 --> 00:17:38,709
I thought she was a keeper.
369
00:17:38,710 --> 00:17:39,909
It's your heart, mate.
370
00:17:39,910 --> 00:17:42,549
Go with that.
That's good advice, innit?
371
00:17:42,550 --> 00:17:44,789
That's not bad. Follow your heart.
372
00:17:44,790 --> 00:17:47,589
You always were the wise man, mate.
I appreciate that.
373
00:17:47,590 --> 00:17:49,989
I'm here, boy.
374
00:17:49,990 --> 00:17:53,990
Done.
375
00:18:07,950 --> 00:18:09,869
There goes the wisest man I know.
376
00:18:09,870 --> 00:18:13,870
Sign of the Twine, mate.
377
00:18:14,990 --> 00:18:16,949
That's it.
378
00:18:16,950 --> 00:18:20,469
Clever boy.
379
00:18:20,470 --> 00:18:21,909
Where are you going?
380
00:18:21,910 --> 00:18:24,869
Crawley.
381
00:18:24,870 --> 00:18:27,469
Bye. Bye.
382
00:18:27,470 --> 00:18:29,389
He makes me feel normal.
383
00:18:29,390 --> 00:18:31,829
Cliff? Yeah, he's interesting.
384
00:18:31,830 --> 00:18:34,949
It's interesting to see
someone who looks up to you.
385
00:18:34,950 --> 00:18:36,109
Innit?
386
00:18:36,110 --> 00:18:40,110
I can't get my head around it.
387
00:18:43,750 --> 00:18:45,749
Bye. They're going on a date.
388
00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:47,349
You look great. Bye.
389
00:18:47,350 --> 00:18:49,269
You look smart, Dad.
So do you, boy.
390
00:18:49,270 --> 00:18:52,309
Do I? You always look smart.
391
00:18:52,310 --> 00:18:54,669
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
392
00:18:54,670 --> 00:18:56,149
See you.
393
00:18:56,150 --> 00:18:59,749
There's nothing I wouldn't do,
given half a chance.
394
00:18:59,750 --> 00:19:02,069
Mind you, there's those I can't do,
395
00:19:02,070 --> 00:19:04,790
but I wouldn't mind
giving it a try before I die.
396
00:19:12,510 --> 00:19:13,589
Hello.
397
00:19:13,590 --> 00:19:14,789
Hello. You all right?
398
00:19:14,790 --> 00:19:17,749
You all right? Yeah.
399
00:19:17,750 --> 00:19:21,389
Your nan's gone off on a date
with Derek's dad.
400
00:19:21,390 --> 00:19:22,429
Is she all right?
401
00:19:22,430 --> 00:19:26,430
Yeah. She looked lovely. Good.
402
00:19:26,510 --> 00:19:28,109
Good news.
403
00:19:28,110 --> 00:19:32,069
What a game bird your gran still is.
404
00:19:32,070 --> 00:19:34,789
Naughty Nana.
405
00:19:34,790 --> 00:19:37,949
What?
Well, she's mowed the lawn, mate.
406
00:19:37,950 --> 00:19:41,029
Ready for the tea party.
407
00:19:41,030 --> 00:19:43,949
What does that mean? Nothing.
408
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:46,109
She's cleared the runway, mate,
ready for landing.
409
00:19:46,110 --> 00:19:48,909
Tea? D'you want a cup of
tea? What are you talking about?
410
00:19:48,910 --> 00:19:51,349
She's had all her pubes removed
so it's lovely and smooth down there.
411
00:19:51,350 --> 00:19:52,589
Oh, God.
412
00:19:52,590 --> 00:19:54,589
A completely hairless, shiny minge.
What?
413
00:19:54,590 --> 00:19:57,429
Fuck's sake. Stop going on
about my nan's bald fanny!
414
00:19:57,430 --> 00:20:01,430
That.
415
00:20:02,990 --> 00:20:06,709
All right, mate, calm down,
I haven't seen it myself.
416
00:20:06,710 --> 00:20:09,869
Good. You're not even
supposed to think about it.
417
00:20:09,870 --> 00:20:11,669
Are you not curious at all?
418
00:20:11,670 --> 00:20:13,629
Not in the slightest.
Well, I am.
419
00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:17,630
If you don't mind,
I'm going to start imagining it.
420
00:20:20,710 --> 00:20:23,349
Like a naked mole rat yawning.
421
00:20:23,350 --> 00:20:27,350
Oh, for fuck's sakes.
422
00:20:39,150 --> 00:20:42,629
If it's a boy baby, call it Justin,
after Justin Timberlake.
423
00:20:42,630 --> 00:20:45,669
If it's a girl baby, call it Susan,
after Susan Boyle.
424
00:20:45,670 --> 00:20:47,789
I don't know about that, Derek.
Yeah, it's a good idea.
425
00:20:47,790 --> 00:20:49,709
Is that what you want to be thinking
every time you look at that baby?
426
00:20:49,710 --> 00:20:51,949
Here they are.
427
00:20:51,950 --> 00:20:54,109
Hello. Hello.
428
00:20:54,110 --> 00:20:57,349
Did you have a good time?
Oh, lovely, yeah, it was great.
429
00:20:57,350 --> 00:20:59,189
It was really nice.
430
00:20:59,190 --> 00:21:01,029
Thank you for a lovely evening.
431
00:21:01,030 --> 00:21:03,109
I'm going to hit the sack. Night.
432
00:21:03,110 --> 00:21:04,789
Good night. Good night.
433
00:21:04,790 --> 00:21:05,989
Sleep tight.
434
00:21:05,990 --> 00:21:08,469
Night, Dad.
435
00:21:08,470 --> 00:21:10,909
So it went well?
Yes, it was lovely, you know.
436
00:21:10,910 --> 00:21:12,749
I think I'll go to bed too.
437
00:21:12,750 --> 00:21:13,989
OK. OK.
438
00:21:13,990 --> 00:21:15,629
Night-night. Good night.
439
00:21:15,630 --> 00:21:16,869
Night, Nan. Night.
440
00:21:16,870 --> 00:21:18,229
Shall I bring you a cup of cocoa?
441
00:21:18,230 --> 00:21:22,230
No. Do not come into my room.
442
00:21:31,510 --> 00:21:34,229
Naughty, naughty Nana.
443
00:21:34,230 --> 00:21:37,030
Mole rat is getting its supper.
444
00:21:40,830 --> 00:21:44,669
"I'm full!"
445
00:21:44,670 --> 00:21:46,469
- Derek.
- What?
446
00:21:46,470 --> 00:21:50,470
Have you any idea what, in the name
of Christ, your dad's doing with Tom's nan?
447
00:21:52,510 --> 00:21:53,629
No.
448
00:21:53,630 --> 00:21:57,630
Urgh!
449
00:22:01,510 --> 00:22:03,549
Do you want to hear a story, Derek?
450
00:22:03,550 --> 00:22:04,589
Yeah.
451
00:22:04,590 --> 00:22:06,989
This is a story about, er...
452
00:22:06,990 --> 00:22:08,669
two blokes who went caravanning,
453
00:22:08,670 --> 00:22:11,949
and, er... said their good nights.
454
00:22:11,950 --> 00:22:14,549
About an hour later this gang of,
sort of, male rapists...
455
00:22:14,550 --> 00:22:15,709
Male rapists? Yeah.
456
00:22:15,710 --> 00:22:17,109
What's that? Male rapists?
457
00:22:17,110 --> 00:22:19,789
Men that rape other men.
458
00:22:19,790 --> 00:22:22,349
They burst into the caravan,
459
00:22:22,350 --> 00:22:25,229
and they just start bumming them.
Nonstop.
460
00:22:25,230 --> 00:22:27,349
And, of course, they're cannibals
as well. They just...
461
00:22:27,350 --> 00:22:28,589
Cannibals? What's that?
462
00:22:28,590 --> 00:22:31,309
They eat... Eating hu...
They're sort of eating human flesh.
463
00:22:31,310 --> 00:22:33,629
They bum the two men... Yeah.
464
00:22:33,630 --> 00:22:35,469
...and then they fed on their
flesh... Yeah.
465
00:22:35,470 --> 00:22:39,389
...and then they left them to rot.
466
00:22:39,390 --> 00:22:42,829
That's the worstest story
what I've ever heard.
467
00:22:42,830 --> 00:22:44,469
Shall we leave the light on tonight?
468
00:22:44,470 --> 00:22:48,470
No. Turn it off, mate,
cos I've got to have my tug.
469
00:22:50,670 --> 00:22:53,549
What would win out of
a male rapist and a cannibal?
470
00:22:53,550 --> 00:22:56,909
Not now, Derek. You're putting
me off my stroke, mate.
471
00:22:56,910 --> 00:22:58,829
Sorry.
472
00:22:58,830 --> 00:23:00,709
Night, Kev.
473
00:23:00,710 --> 00:23:01,977
Night, Derek.
474
00:23:02,002 --> 00:23:13,920
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00:23:13,970 --> 00:23:18,520
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