All language subtitles for Crowded s01e11 Daughter.eng

Hey, honey. What's up?

I'm on with The Gooch.

Oh, I love The Gooch!

Give me a Pearl Jam
trivia question. I...

You're... you're talking to
Seattle's number one Pearl Jam fan.

If you don't believe me, ask any one
of the four message boards I moderate.

Mike, I lost your rake.
Can I borrow another one?

He's on with The Gooch!

Ooh, I love The Gooch. I love it
when he says, "You got Gooched," eh?

Shh, shh, shh. Name two
ex-Pearl Jam drummers.

How about four? Ah, Dave
Krusen, Matt Chamberlain,

Dave Abbruzzese, Jack
Irons. (mouths) Slam!

- I won? I won! I'm going to Pearl Jam!
- Oh!

That's awesome.

Yeah, I'm in a room full of people.

He wants me to turn the radio up.

So, caller, are you happy?

- Ecstatic.
- That's great.

Well, it would be great if this
weren't The Prank of the Week!

(spring boings, sad horn warbles)

We don't really have Pearl Jam tickets.

You just got Gooched.

Ha-hah! That's what I was talking about.

Well, it's official.

There is no God.

What's wrong with Dad? Did someone die?

In a way, yes.

He just lost out on Pearl Jam Tickets.

Oh, I can get you those.

Stella, you better not be joking,
and that goes for all of you.

Do not [bleep] with me right now.

I'm serious, Dad.

My new boyfriend, Hashtag,
he's the drummer of Riptide,

They're the band that's
opening for Pearl Jam.

There is a God, and He rocks.

That is awesome. Can you
get another ticket for Shea?

Can't it be just a you and me thing?

It could be a Daddy-Stella
date like when I was little.

You know what? We'll
fly there in my chopper

just like we did in the old days.

Ah! I love you, Stella.

I love all of you right now.

Dad...

have your eyes always been so blue?

They're green, but thank you.

Good morning, all.

Shea, are you wearing the
same thing you wore last night?

I am. And we all know
what that indicates.

Oh, my God. You're doing the
walk of shame. That's my thing.

Is it a walk of shame if
I'm proud of it? I think not.

All I can think of now
is when can I text him?

Or should I wait for him to text me?

What's the proper postcoital protocol?

You know what? No biggie. Whatever.

Somebody tell me what to do.

Do not text him.

- You'll look desperate.
- They're right.

You need a distraction.

You should come to my poker game.
It's just me and a few other guards.

Thanks, Grandma.

Well, while you hens are clucking over
the cards, I'll be at the gun range.

I gotta stay sharp in case they
call me back in for one last case.

Oh, would that be the case
of the delusional old man?

You know, I used to
shoot when I was a kid.

Going out back with my Pa.

Target practice with cans and bottles.

The rusted out El Camino,

the other rusted out El Camino.

I didn't know you could shoot.

Once shot a possum without
even slowing the tractor down.

I love when Mom gets all "Duck Dynasty."

Hey, why don't I come with you, Bob?

Ah, I like to shoot alone, Martina.

Yeah, I understand.

I mean, what guy likes
being shown up by a woman?

Passive aggressive challenge, eh?

Accepted.

(beer plunks in trashcan)

(upbeat music)

Sync & corrections by PetaG
www.addic7ed.com

All right, I found my favorite Pearl
Jam T-shirt, socks, boxer shorts...

Where is my Ten Club hoodie?

Ah, it's in the drawer
next to your Pearl Jammies.

How could jammies that rock so hard...

be so soft?

Look, honey, I know you're excited
about the show, but the thing is...

Don't finish that sentence, Martina.

I know that whatever you're about to say

is somehow going to ruin my
enjoyment of this concert.

But I have to say it.

- Resist.
- But it's important.

Fight it. Fight it!

I Googled Stella's boyfriend, Hashtag,
just to see what he looked like,

and there was a link to a blog,

and it's all very hush-hush
so the fans won't know,

but Hashtag's married.

Ugh! You and that Google! Geez.

You think Stella knows?

No. I'm sure she doesn't.

I mean, Stella does a lot of bad things,

but I don't think she would
want to ruin a marriage.

We have to tell her.

All right, in situations like this,

I like to ask myself: W.W.E.V.D?

What would Eddie Vedder do?

Any chance he'd sit down with
his daughter and open a dialogue?

No, he'd grab his ax and head off to
East Java with surf god Laird Hamilton;

drop in on some major tubular action.

And how does that help us?

It doesn't. It's just
fun to think about.

Mike, come back. (snapping)

Okay, fine. You know
what? I'm gonna tell her.

She'll break up with Hashtag,
and I won't go to the concert.

And it's the right thing to
do, and we'll all be happy.

So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna
take a sad nap in my Pearl Jammies.

So, you spent last night with him,
and he still hasn't texted you?

- No.
- Called you?

- No.
- Sent flowers?

Flowers? Guys don't send flowers

after the first time
you sleep with them.

They do if you're doing it right.

Oh, I did it right.

I'm pretty sure.

I'm sure you did, sweetie.

Your breadstick body can be just
as much fun as a real woman's.

Shea, the bottom line is
you can't text him first.

Yeah, I hear what you're saying,
but what if I really, really want to?

So, you just came in here to
get permission to text this guy?

Shea, nobody's gonna tell you
to do that. It's a bad idea.

You got to play the game.

Oh, Grandma, Nate's not like other guys.
He said he doesn't want to play games.

Oh, honey, that's a classic
first move in the game.

That's like the traditional
kickoff of the game.

That's what someone who's good at
playing the game says about the game.

- Mmm.
- Or, he just meant what he said.

(all laugh)

I think this is the first time you and I

have gone out and done
stuff, just the two of us.

You're not gonna narrate like
this the whole time, are you?

So, your old man taught you to shoot?

Oh, so now you want to talk?

Mine was about guns, not
about our relationship.

Yeah. My dad taught me.

He also taught me how to clean a fish,

dress a deer, and open
a beer with my teeth.

Only time we got along was
when we did stuff like that.

Maybe he wanted a boy.

Well, who knows what he wanted.
He was an angry old cuss.

(gunshots)

Wow. You stink.

Well, you threw me off.

A good shot doesn't get
thrown off that easily.

Uh, let me show you how it's done.

With that stance? Heh-heh-heh.
Your center of gravity is way off.

My center of gravity is fine.

Yeah, maybe thirty pounds ago it was.

(gunshots)

Son of a bitch. Look
what you made me do.

I thought you said a good
shot doesn't get thrown off.

Your cackling would throw
off the American Sniper.

You know, I'm beginning to
see why we don't hang out.

I didn't want you to come to
my range in the first place.

Well, I know when I'm not wanted.

I just said you're not wanted.

That's how I know, dumb-ass.

Eddie, Laird,

we respected those waves,
and they respected us. Cheers.

(phone rings)

Laird, could you grab
that? You're closer.

(phone rings)

Fine, I'll grab it.

(phone rings)

- Hello?
- I want to kill your father.

Take a number.

Your number is two.

The balls on that guy to insult
me while I'm holding a gun.

(chuckles)

Why are you laughing?

I'm sorry. I know you're upset. But,
ah, I love hearing you trash him.

Hey, how did Stella
take the Hashtag news?

Well, here's the thing now.

Ah... you know how you're always
saying that we got to let the girls

make their own mistakes like adults.

Well, you know, I've decided that
you're right, because, ah, if I meddle,

Uh, I may jeopardize
Stella's independence.

And your Pearl Jam tickets.

Hadn't thought about that.

W.W.E.V.D.

What would Eddie Vedder do if his
daughter was in the same situation?

He would take her to the Mike concert.

Hm, no?

All right, fine. Look, I
will, ah, I'll talk to her.

I will talk to her right now.

Ready for Daddy-Stella Date 2016?

Yes, but first we have
to talk about something.

Wait, what is that shirt you're wearing?

Shea made this for me

when we went to go
see Pearl Jam in 2002.

See? It's pearl plus jam.

Good old Shea.

She may be the good one,
but did she ever get you...

uh-front, uh-row, uh-seats?

Front row seats? Oh, God.

Oh, Stella, you're killing me.

Look, there's something
that, ah, I wanted to tell you

after the concert, but
I... I have to do it now.

Sweetie, hurting you is the last thing
that I would ever want to do, but, um...

Hashtag's married.

I know.

You do?

You know that you're dating a married
man, and you are fine with that?

(phone beeps)

Oh, it's Hashtag.

He wants to know if we want to get
drinks with Eddie after the concert.

Yes.

Okay, hypothetically,
let's say I do text him.

What's the worst that could happen?

Well, you could text him, he doesn't
text back, it drives you crazy,

and the next thing you know, you're
facing 20 without chance of parole.

- Mm.
- Mm.

You're just trying to scare me.

It's the truth.

There was this one inmate...
good, church-going woman...

her boyfriend didn't
call her the next day,

she chased him, he pulled away...

- As men do.
- Mm-hm.

And she got so mad, she took a knife...

My God, did she kill him?

No! Didn't you hear me say she
was a good, church-going woman?

She just cut off his [bleep].

I saw the file. It had pictures.

- Mm.
- Oh, me too.

You know, when they're off the body,

- they just don't look right.
- (all) Mm-mm.

It's like seeing your junior
high teacher at the supermarket.

- You don't belong here.
- Mm-hm.

Agreed. They should be attached.

And I get it. And thank you.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go for a walk.

Nobody's gonna tell
you to text that boy.

You don't know that!

(gunshots)

- Ugh.
- Well... one of those hit the target.

My target.

Less talkin'. More shootin'.

Whatever you say, Annie Choke-ly.

How long did it take you
to come up with that one?

Not as long as you think.

Let's just get to it, old man.

Ooh, tough talk for someone
who shoots like a girl.

I don't shoot like a girl.

I shoot like a country-ass
redneck, and don't you forget it.

And women shoot great, you grumpy,
stubborn, misogynistic, pig-headed...

Just shut up and let me shoot, Linda.

Linda?

Oh...

That's what's happening here.

Nothing's happening here.

You just called me by your ex-wife's
name, who you never talk about.

Something's happening.

Don't talk to me like
I'm one of your patients.

You just threw a fish at a
fisherman. I'm gonna catch it.

Just like your pappy taught you?

What's that supposed to mean?

You have got daddy issues.

See? I can be a therapist, too.

I've slept with enough younger women
to know what a daddy issue looks like.

So, sleeping around after
your wife left you...

yeah, nothing sad or
transparent about that.

All right, that's it. I've had enough.

Oh, wait, Bob. I...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if I crossed
the line there. Ah...

maybe calling me Linda was
just a slip of the tongue.

No, it wasn't.

The truth is,

you do remind me of her.

Maybe that's why I didn't
like you right off the bat.

You didn't?

But I'm so great right off the bat.

Off the bat's where I shine.

I liked you, but I
was worried about Mike.

I was afraid you'd grow tired of
him the way my ex grew tired of me.

Hey...

there's no way I'm ever leaving
Mike. He's too good looking.

And he's aging very well.
I'm not giving that up.

(laughs)

Takes after his old man. Huh?

Yes, he does.

And I do have some daddy issues.

He did want a boy.

But I'm glad I was a girl,

because that meant I'd never be what
he wanted, and I liked pissing him off.

(both laughs)

That may be my favorite
thing you've ever said.

Still angry at the old man, not gonna
let it go. You're my kind of gal.

That may be my favorite thing

- you've ever said.
- Mm.

You know, I don't understand a
man who doesn't want a daughter.

I kind of wish I had one.

Well, you have a daughter-in-law.

A daughter-in-law who can
whoop your ass in shootin'.

Well, we'll see about
that, Bitch Cassidy.

That's the other one I had.

(laughs, unamused)

(gunshot)

Bull's-eye.

Wow, this brings back memories.

How old were you on our
last helicopter date?

Nine, maybe?

You seemed like this magical
man who could make things fly.

And there you were in
that seat looking up at me,

biggest eyes I'd ever seen.

So sweet and small and...

- How could you be dating a married man?
- Oh, here we go.

Well, didn't I raise
you better than that?

Apparently not.

Look, what do you want me to do?

End things with him right now?

Not go to the Pearl Jam
concert? Not meet Eddie?

Well...

let's not be hasty.

It's just that, Stell,
your choices in men...

losers, druggies, guys named Hashtag...

do you ever think any of this
through? I mean, look at how Shea

- analyzes everything...
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm the screwup, but perfect
Shea does everything right.

- I bet you wish she was here right now.
- I do not wish she was here right now.

- Well, that's unfortunate.
- Oh, my

- God!
- Good Lord.

Oh, my God, what are you doing here?

I came here, but then I
felt dumb for coming here,

so I hid, hoping to come up
with a plan to leave unnoticed.

But then you started talking about
me, and, well, now you're up to speed.

But why did you come
here in the first place?

It's too embarrassing.

Oh, this can't still be
whether to text that guy.

Of course not. But I should, right?

Oh, my God. Even your
problems are adorable.

Well, they're certainly more adorable
than sleeping with a married man.

You know what? Why don't you
and Shea just go to the concert.

It's probably what you wanted.

Just admit it. You
like her better than me.

Just stop that. I do
not like Shea better.

Yes, you do.

But not in the way you think.

It just appears that Mom and Dad
like me better because I'm no trouble.

But you're brave,

and brave people make more
mistakes and get into more trouble.

But I admire your fearlessness.

People like you wouldn't waste a
whole day scared to send a text.

Thank you, Shea.

So I should send it?

- (both) No.
- Okay, okay.

There.

Oh, Stella, how could you
think I love Shea more than you?

You call her "the good one."

(scoffs) It's practically her nickname.

Well, look, it's hard not to
give extra points to the easy one.

But, ah, Shea's right.

You're brave.

And that's great.

But it scares me.

Now, when you were little,
I could protect you,

but when you became a
teenager, everything changed.

Why?

Well, the way you looked,
the way you dressed,

all those boys grabbing
at you like horny zombies.

Yeah. Good times.

I mean, that must
have been hard for you.

It was,

and, ah, maybe I pulled
back from you a little bit.

Yeah, maybe I did, too.

Well, I'm sorry.

And it's something that we can work on.

I'd like that.

Look, Stell, I don't like either one
of you best, but I did love you first.

And don't tell your sister, but
that will always make you special.

Aw, Dad.

Just don't date married men.

Brave, I'll acknowledge,
but stupid, I put a stop to.

Okay. I hear you.

I will break up with him.

But what about the concert?

There are more important
things than getting to hang out

(struggles to say) with Pearl Jam.

Wow, Dad.

I have an idea.

How about we go to the concert
and I break up with him after?

I like that plan.

(laughs)

- Who says Shea's the smart one?
- Not me.

She's not here, right?

Best Daddy-Stella date ever.

- (yelling) What an amazing night!
- Where were your seats?

(yelling) Right next to the speakers.

So close, when Eddie spit
out his gum, I caught it.

Is that the gum you're chewing now?

No.

Shea, I'm sorry that Nate didn't
text you, but you should be proud.

You got through the whole
day without texting him.

Yeah, about that... I thought to myself,

- "What would Stella do?"
- (scoffs)

(yelling) How many times do I have
to tell you? I'm not a role model.

Look somewhere else for your heroes.

I tried to be brave, so I texted him.

And he hasn't texted me back.

So here I am: a sad,
lonely little breadstick.

- Good-bye, Nate Johnson.
- Aw.

Bummer. Your only option now

is to pretend you died and
re-meet him as your twin sister.

Shea!

Nate?

I'm so glad I found you.

You are? This sounds promising. Go on.

Hey, look, I know you
think of Nate Johnson

as this bad boy who
plays by his own rules.

You know, the guy who flipped the
script on the astrophysics game.

Of course I think that.

Why do you think I broke my rules
and slept with you on our eighth date?

Well, look. The thing is, I wanted
to text you or call you all day.

You know, or send flowers, or
fruit, or mini muffins, or something.

You know, to thank you
for all the stuff you did.

So, I did well?

I thought so. I'm very task-oriented.

What do you think they're talking about?

Shea just said she's good at doing it.

So, my friend took my phone away,

'cause he was scared that you'd be
turned off if I contacted you too soon.

I wanted to text you all day, too.

So, if you could've texted
me, what would've you said?

That I missed you.

I couldn't wait to see you again.

Look, Shea, I'm just an astrophysicist,

standing in front of
another astrophysicist...

except I also have an MD.

I'm just asking you to...

like me, or whatever.

That kind of fizzled
out at the end there.

Oh, Nate. I do like you or whatever.

(all) Aww.

Privacy!

But thank you for caring.

She's even nice when she's pissed. At
this point, I like her better than me.

Sync & corrections by PetaG
www.addic7ed.com

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