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♪ ♪
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♪ ♪
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♪ ♪
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>> Bill: THANK YOU.
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THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
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THANK YOU.
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THANK YOU, FOLKS.
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THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
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THAT IS A WONDERFUL GREETING, I
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APPRECIATE THAT.
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I KNOW, YOU'RE ON TV.
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I WANT YOU TO KNOW, I'M HERE ON
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PURPOSE.
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ALSO I WANT YOU TO KNOW, WE
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ANNOUNCED WE WERE DOING THE SHOW
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ONLY THREE WEEKS AGO HERE IN
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OKLAHOMA, SINCE THEN, SCOTT
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PRUITT GOT CANNED.
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AND MEDICAL MARIJUANA GOT
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LEGALIZED.
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WHAT CAN I SAY?
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I DO WHAT I CAN, LADIES AND
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GENTLEMEN.
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YES, MEDICAL MARIJUANA HERE IN
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OKLAHOMA AND YOUR GOVERNOR SAID
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IT WOULD OPEN THE DOOR TO
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RECREATIONAL USE.
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YES, YES IT WILL.
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WE ARE COUNTING ON THAT.
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I WANTED TO COME, I LOVE THE RED
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STATES, I REALLY DO.
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I WANTED TO COME HERE BECAUSE
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FIRST OF ALL I MEAN THIS IN THE
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BEST POSSIBLE WAY, I MISS NORMAL
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SO MUCH.
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I MISS SENSIBLE MIDDLE OF THE
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COUNTRY LIBERALS SO MUCH.
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I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING FOR A
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BORING PRESIDENT, A PRESIDENT
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WHO BOARD TO MY BALLS OFF EVERY
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DAY.
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I WAKE UP EVERY DAY I LOOK AT
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THE PHONE THROUGH ONE I WHAT DID
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THE PATIENT DO TODAY.
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I FEEL LIKE I'M BINGE WATCHING
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THE WORST TELEVISION SHOW IN
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HISTORY, THEY COME UP TO ME, DO
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YOU SEE WHAT HE DID TODAY?
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I'M LIKE I'M STILL ON THE
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EPISODE WHERE HE FUCKED THE PORN
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STAR.
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THIS IS WHY I ALWAYS TRY TO
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IMPRESS SO MUCH ON THE YOUNGER
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PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT -- WHERE
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ARE MY MILLENNIALS BY THE WAY?
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WOW.
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ALWAYS IN THE BACK BECAUSE THEY
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HAVE NO MONEY.
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I'M FUCKING WITH YOU, I LOVE YOU
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BECAUSE THESE ARE THE GOOD
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MILLENNIALS.
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THEY CAME TO SEE ME AND THEY
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MUST KNOW THIS IS NOT A SAFE
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SPACE.
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EVERYONE HERE IS WELCOME, TRUMP
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PEOPLE ARE HERE AMONGST US AND
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THEY ARE WELCOME, I MEAN THAT.
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I MADE THAT, THIS IS A COUNTRY,
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NOT AN APARTMENT WE CAN'T
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DIVIDED DOWN THE MIDDLE, WE HAVE
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TO LEARN TO LIVE TOGETHER.
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YOU TRULY ARE WELCOME AND IT HAS
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BEEN IMPRESSED ON ME THAT IT
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DOESN'T HELP TO CALL YOUR
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POLITICAL ADVERSARIES DUMB.
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SO I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT.
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BUT EASILY CONNED, CAN WE SAY
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THAT?
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NOT EXACTLY DETAIL PEOPLE.
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TAKE SOMETHING LIKE THE
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AFFORDABLE CARE ACT.
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POLLS TELL US THAT TRUMP PEOPLE
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HATE OBAMACARE WHAT THEY LIKE
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THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT.
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WHAT DID TRUMP TELL THEM?
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I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU WAY
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BETTER, WAY CHEAPER, AND COVER
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EVERYBODY.
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YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO GET SICK
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JUST TO USE THIS HEALTH CARE
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PLAN.
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WAY BETTER, WAY CHEAPER, AND
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COVER EVERYBODY AND YOU BOUGHT
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THAT?
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SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT A CON MAN?
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I KNEW THIS WAS HAPPENING ON THE
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FIRST DAY, REMEMBER WHEN HE SAW
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MULTITUDES THAT DID NOT EXIST?
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REMEMBER AT THE INAUGURATION, IT
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WAS BAD ENOUGH WHEN REPUBLICANS
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DIDN'T BELIEVE IN CLIMATE CHANGE
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BUT COUNTING?
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COUNTING IS SETTLED SCIENCE, I'M
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NOT GOING TO BUDGE ON THAT.
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THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
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ELECT A MALIGNANT NARCISSIST AS
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PRESIDENT.
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HE CANNOT IMAGINE A REALITY THAT
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DOESN'T MATCH HIS PERCEPTIONS.
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THAT WAS THE MOST PEOPLE HE EVER
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SAW IN ONE PLACE, SO IT MUST BE
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THE MOST PEOPLE WHO EVER
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GATHERED ANYWHERE.
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THAT'S WHY HE THINKS HE HAS A
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BIG DICK.
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IT'S THE BIGGEST ONE HE HAS.
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ALTHOUGH HONESTLY, DOESN'T
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EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS MAN JUST
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SCREAM MICRO DICK?
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THE BRAGGING AND THE BUILDINGS
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WITH MY NAME ON IT, AT THE
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DEBATES, HE WAS TALKING ABOUT
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HIS DICK AT THE DEBATES, THAT
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GUY IS PRESIDENT.
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REMEMBER THAT?
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THERE IS NO PROBLEM, I GUARANTEE
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THERE IS NO PROBLEM.
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I THINK THERE'S A PROBLEM.
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I THINK THERE'S A VERY BIG
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PROBLEM, I THINK THAT'S THE
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WHOLE PROBLEM.
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I THINK THIS IS A MAN WHO HAS
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NEVER BROUGHT A WOMAN TO ORGASM.
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IF HE EVEN BELIEVES SUCH A THING
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EXISTS.
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IT'S RIGGED.
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IT'S RIGGED.
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THE FUNGI IN
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VAGINA HAS BEEN VR
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TO ME, I SAY THAT VERY STRONGLY.
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VERY STRONGLY.
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I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK
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ATTACK.
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I TALKED TO TRUMP PEOPLE, THEY
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AREN'T BLIND TO HIS FLAWS.
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YOU ASK WHAT YOU LIKE ABOUT THE
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GUY?
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THEY ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THING,
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HE'S STRONG, ALPHA, REAL MAN.
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WHO ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
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HE'S ALWAYS BLAMING EVERYBODY
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ELSE, COMPLAINING.
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HE NEVER TAKES RESPONSIBILITY.
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"I INHERITED A MESS GOOD" YOU
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INHERITED MILLIONS OF DOLLARS
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YOU WHINY LITTLE BITCH.
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THANK YOU, I WILL BE DOING ALL
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OF MY GREATEST HITS TONIGHT.
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EVEN WHEN HE GOES TO A DISASTER
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ZONE, REMEMBER THAT?
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THAT'S ALL ABOUT HIM.
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REMEMBER THE HURRICANES?
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WE ARE GETTING VERY HIGH MARKS.
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"EVERYONE FLOATING BY US AS WERE
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A FANTASTIC JOB."
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WHAT PRESIDENT EVER NEEDED TO
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HAVE THESE EMERGENCY FLATTERY
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MEETINGS, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS
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WHERE THEY CALLED THE CABINET
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TOGETHER THEY GO AROUND THE
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ROOM, "YOU SHINE WITH THE LIGHT
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OF A THOUSAND SUNS, MY SIRE.
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"NOW THE SECRETARY OF LABOR
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WOULD LIKE TO SAY.
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THERE'S THAT CONGRESSWOMAN FROM
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TENNESSEE WHO MADE THAT SPEECH
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IN FRONT OF TRUMP, SHE SAID
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MR. PRESIDENT, THANK YOU FOR
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LETTING US HAVE YOU AS OUR
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PRESIDENT.
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LETTING US HAVE YOU?
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JESUS, DON'T GET ANY IN YOUR
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HAIR.
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LETTING US HAVE YOU?
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I GUESS WE FORGOT, THE PRESIDENT
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IS SUPPOSED TO LIFT US UP, NOT
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THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
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BUT WE ARE IN THE OTHER WAY
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AROUND.
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WHO HAS RALLIES AFTER THE
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ELECTION IS OVER?
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ONLY THIS PSYCHOPATH BECAUSE HE
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GETS BLUE, HE SEES SOMETHING ON
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TV HE DOESN'T LIKE, GET ME 9,000
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DROOLING IDIOTS IN AN AIRPLANE
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HANGAR IN TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA,
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STAT.
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IS RALLIES...
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HE DID ONE THE OTHER DAY.
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HE LIES A LOT ANYWAY, HE TAKES
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GREAT PRIDE IN THE FACT THAT HE
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DOES NOT USE A TELEPROMPTER.
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HE DOESN'T WANT TO INSULT HIS
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BASE BY READING.
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THE SHIT THAT COMES OUT OF HIS
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MOUTH AT THESE RALLIES,
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FACT-CHECKERS ARE CARRIED OUT ON
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STRETCHERS, LADIES AND
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GENTLEMEN.
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I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT TO THE
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END OF THIS SHOW TALKING ABOUT
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THIS ASSHOLE.
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PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO CALM
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ME DOWN, THEY'RE LIKE OH COME
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ON, BILL, YOU'RE EXAGGERATING,
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WE'VE HAD PRESIDENTS WHO DIDN'T
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KNOW MUCH.
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WE HAVE HAD THAT, WE'VE HAD
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PRESIDENTS WHO DIDN'T KNOW MUCH.
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RONALD REAGAN THOUGHT THE COAT
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RACK WAS BARBARA STANWYCK.
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KIDS, USE YOUR GOOGLE TO FIND
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OUT WHO BARBARA STANWYCK IS.
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LOOK UP COAT RACK WHILE YOU'RE
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IN THERE COME UP WITH BECAUSE
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THAT'S PROBABLY NOT A THING
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ANYMORE EITHER.
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WE'VE HAD DUMB MASS PRESIDENTS
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BUT WE'VE NEVER HAD ONE SO
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AGGRESSIVELY STUPID.
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WHO TAKES PRIDE THAT YOU CANNOT
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GET INFORMATION INTO HIS HEAD,
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WE DON'T KNOW HOW HE GETS
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INFORMATION ALTHOUGH IT'S
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ENTIRELY POSSIBLE SEAN HANNITY
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BLOWS IT DIRECTLY UP HIS ASS.
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HE TAKES PRIDE NO MATTER HOW
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MANY TIMES YOU TELL HIM THINGS
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HE WILL INSIST THAT THE STEALTH
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BOMBER IS LITERALLY INVISIBLE.
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OR THERE IS SUCH A THING AS
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CLEAN COAL OR GLOBAL WARMING IS
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A HOAX BECAUSE IT SNOWS IN THE
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WINTER.
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IT'S LIKE SAYING THE PSALM ISN'T
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REAL BECAUSE LAST NIGHT IT GOT
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DARK.
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REMEMBER JIM INHOFE WITH THE
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SNOWBALL?
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YOU'VE GOT SOME REAL BEAUTIES
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HERE, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU PUT
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UP WITH THEM BUT THERE IS SOME
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REAL ASSHOLE POLITICIANS IN THIS
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STATE.
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DOWN THE LINE.
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THE SADDEST THING ABOUT TRUMP,
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HE DOESN'T WANT TO CHANGE.
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HE SAID MANY TIMES, I COULD BE
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PRESIDENTIAL.
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IN HIS FIRST PRESS CONFERENCE HE
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SAID I AM ME.
262
00:12:16,328 --> 00:12:21,761
THANKS, TARZAN.
263
00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:22,928
EVEN MELANIA, YOUR ENGLISH IS
264
00:12:22,995 --> 00:12:28,594
NOT TOO, DADDY.
265
00:12:28,661 --> 00:12:33,328
OH, MELANIA, I LIKE HER, COME ON
266
00:12:33,395 --> 00:12:33,594
ON.
267
00:12:33,661 --> 00:12:36,362
SHE'S THE GOOD KIND OF IMMIGRANT
268
00:12:36,428 --> 00:12:36,628
IMMIGRANT.
269
00:12:36,694 --> 00:12:40,195
THE KIND THAT DOES THE JOBS
270
00:12:40,262 --> 00:12:47,262
AMERICANS JUST DON'T WANT TO DO.
271
00:12:47,328 --> 00:12:51,794
LIKE BLOWING AND FUCKING
272
00:12:51,861 --> 00:12:53,961
DONALD TRUMP.
273
00:12:54,028 --> 00:12:56,362
I DO FEEL BAD FOR HER HAVING TO
274
00:12:56,428 --> 00:12:56,961
LIVE THROUGH THIS SCANDAL WITH
275
00:12:57,028 --> 00:13:00,895
THE PORN STAR, THIS HE SAID, SHE
276
00:13:00,961 --> 00:13:03,061
SAID THING THAT'S GOING ON.
277
00:13:03,128 --> 00:13:04,328
BUT WHO ARE YOU GOING TO
278
00:13:04,395 --> 00:13:11,061
BELIEVE, THE FAKE BLONDE WITH
279
00:13:11,128 --> 00:13:18,395
BIG TITS, OR STORMY DANIELS?
280
00:13:18,728 --> 00:13:22,262
DID YOU SEE THAT THE
281
00:13:22,328 --> 00:13:23,961
EVANGELICALS, ANY EVANGELICALS
282
00:13:24,028 --> 00:13:27,028
HERE, YOU'RE WELCOME TOO.
283
00:13:27,095 --> 00:13:30,195
I KNOW YOU'RE HERE.
284
00:13:30,262 --> 00:13:32,694
YOU'RE WELCOME TOO.
285
00:13:32,761 --> 00:13:37,028
DID YOU SEE THEY GAVE HIM A
286
00:13:37,095 --> 00:13:41,528
MULLIGAN ON STORMY DANIELS?
287
00:13:41,594 --> 00:13:42,328
HE COULD FUCK CHARLIE DANIELS,
288
00:13:42,395 --> 00:13:46,362
THEY DON'T CARE.
289
00:13:46,428 --> 00:13:48,362
I THOUGHT WHAT WAS SO
290
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:49,761
INTERESTING IS WHEN TRUMP GOT IN
291
00:13:49,828 --> 00:13:51,362
TROUBLE THE FIRST TIME, REMEMBER
292
00:13:51,428 --> 00:13:52,961
THE HOLLYWOOD ACCESS TAPE A
293
00:13:53,028 --> 00:13:54,362
MONTH BEFORE THE ELECTION, WHO
294
00:13:54,428 --> 00:13:56,828
CAME TO HIS AID?
295
00:13:56,895 --> 00:14:00,961
IT WAS THE TWO CHRISTIANS.
296
00:14:01,028 --> 00:14:04,128
IT WAS THE TWO SUPER CHRISTIANS
297
00:14:04,195 --> 00:14:05,528
IN HIS ADMINISTRATION MIKE PENCE
298
00:14:05,594 --> 00:14:06,761
AND JEFF SESSIONS, YOU KNOW THE
299
00:14:06,828 --> 00:14:08,561
PEOPLE THEY START EVERY DEBATE
300
00:14:08,628 --> 00:14:13,128
WITH I'M A CHRISTIAN.
301
00:14:13,195 --> 00:14:15,895
LIKE WHY EVEN HAVE THIS ARGUMENT
302
00:14:15,961 --> 00:14:22,161
ARGUMENT, I WIN AUTOMATICALLY.
303
00:14:22,228 --> 00:14:23,661
I BELIEVE IN AN INTELLECTUALLY
304
00:14:23,728 --> 00:14:26,828
EMBARRASSING BRONZE AGE MYTH.
305
00:14:26,895 --> 00:14:28,395
BOOM.
306
00:14:28,462 --> 00:14:36,728
MIKE DROP.
307
00:14:36,794 --> 00:14:37,694
THEY ASKED JEFF SESSIONS TWO
308
00:14:37,761 --> 00:14:39,528
DAYS AFTER THE TAPE CAME OUT,
309
00:14:39,594 --> 00:14:45,362
YOU'RE A SENATOR, THE GUY WHO
310
00:14:45,428 --> 00:14:47,928
WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT JUST SAID
311
00:14:47,995 --> 00:14:49,561
HE ADMITTED TO GRABBING WOMEN'S
312
00:14:49,628 --> 00:14:51,128
VAGINAS IS THAT NOT
313
00:14:51,195 --> 00:14:51,495
SEXUAL ASSAULT?
314
00:14:51,561 --> 00:15:05,195
AND JEFF SESSIONS SAID
315
00:15:07,794 --> 00:15:08,995
AND I'M QUOTING DIRECTLY, THAT
316
00:15:09,061 --> 00:15:15,128
IS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID.
317
00:15:15,195 --> 00:15:17,995
THE REPORTER PERSISTED AND SAID
318
00:15:18,061 --> 00:15:19,495
HE GRABS PUSSIES.
319
00:15:19,561 --> 00:15:20,761
UP JEFF SESSIONS AND SAID "IT'S
320
00:15:20,828 --> 00:15:26,828
NOT CLEAR HOW THAT WOULD OCCUR.
321
00:15:26,895 --> 00:15:28,861
"IT'S A TOTALLY MATTER OF
322
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:29,195
CIRCUMSTANCE.
323
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:32,794
WHAT IF YOU SAW A PUSSY ABOUT TO
324
00:15:32,861 --> 00:15:36,095
FALL OFF A CLIFF, WOULDN'T YOU
325
00:15:36,161 --> 00:15:39,961
WANT TO BE ABLE TO GRAB THAT
326
00:15:40,028 --> 00:15:41,128
PUSSY WITHOUT A LOT OF
327
00:15:41,195 --> 00:15:41,928
POLITICALLY CORRECT RED TAPE
328
00:15:41,995 --> 00:15:42,362
GETTING IN THE WAY?
329
00:15:42,428 --> 00:15:50,995
I THINK YOU WOULD.
330
00:15:51,061 --> 00:15:51,628
THERE IS NO SHAME IN THEIR GAME,
331
00:15:51,694 --> 00:15:51,961
THESE PEOPLE.
332
00:15:52,028 --> 00:15:54,362
IF WE ARE EVER GOING TO WIN AN
333
00:15:54,428 --> 00:15:55,462
ELECTION, WE HAVE TO BUDDY UP TO
334
00:15:55,528 --> 00:15:56,694
THAT IDEA.
335
00:15:56,761 --> 00:15:58,761
NO SHAME.
336
00:15:58,828 --> 00:16:03,995
I HAVE A LOT OF PERSPECTIVE ON
337
00:16:04,061 --> 00:16:05,161
REPUBLICANS, I NEVER REALLY WAS
338
00:16:05,228 --> 00:16:07,594
A REPUBLICAN VOTER, I WAS SO
339
00:16:07,661 --> 00:16:08,961
SCARED MITT ROMNEY WAS GOING TO
340
00:16:09,028 --> 00:16:10,995
BE A PRESIDENT I GAVE OBAMA A
341
00:16:11,061 --> 00:16:12,395
MILLION BUCKS.
342
00:16:12,462 --> 00:16:16,694
I WOULD GLADLY GIVE ROMNEY A
343
00:16:16,761 --> 00:16:18,195
MILLION DOLLARS TOMORROW IF HE
344
00:16:18,262 --> 00:16:23,395
WOULD TAKE OVER AMERICA.
345
00:16:23,462 --> 00:16:23,928
I WOULD SLEEP LIKE A BABY.
346
00:16:23,995 --> 00:16:26,528
I WOULD BECOME A MORMON, I WILL.
347
00:16:26,594 --> 00:16:29,128
I WOULD DO THAT FOR MY COUNTRY,
348
00:16:29,195 --> 00:16:30,728
I WOULD BECOME A MORMON, I WILL
349
00:16:30,794 --> 00:16:34,161
WEAR THE MAGIC UNDERWEAR, I WILL
350
00:16:34,228 --> 00:16:35,028
VISIT PLANET COLE LAUB, I WILL
351
00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:38,528
BAPTIZE DEAD PEOPLE.
352
00:16:38,594 --> 00:16:40,661
WHAT A STUPID RELIGION THAT ONE
353
00:16:40,728 --> 00:16:41,428
IS.
354
00:16:41,495 --> 00:16:43,428
THEY ARE ALL STUPID BUT
355
00:16:43,495 --> 00:16:47,594
JESUS CHRIST -- WHAT KISSES ME
356
00:16:47,661 --> 00:16:50,961
OFF ARE THESE NEW RELIGIONS.
357
00:16:51,028 --> 00:16:52,928
THE CHRISTIANS AND THE MUSLIMS
358
00:16:52,995 --> 00:16:56,794
AND THE, THEY GET GRANDFATHERED
359
00:16:56,861 --> 00:16:58,928
IN, RIGHT?
360
00:16:58,995 --> 00:17:00,495
THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD
361
00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:05,362
BEFORE THE AGE OF SCIENCE,
362
00:17:05,428 --> 00:17:07,728
MORMONS ARE 1820, YOU KNEW
363
00:17:07,794 --> 00:17:10,095
BETTER AND THAT SCIENTOLOGISTS
364
00:17:10,161 --> 00:17:15,161
AND SEVENTH-DAY ADVENTISTS.
365
00:17:15,228 --> 00:17:16,561
THIS IS AWESOME, I HAVE TO TELL
366
00:17:16,628 --> 00:17:18,495
YOU I USED TO BE A LONELY
367
00:17:18,561 --> 00:17:21,228
PIONEER OUT THERE ON THE ATHEIST
368
00:17:21,295 --> 00:17:22,794
TRAILS.
369
00:17:22,861 --> 00:17:25,328
AND NOW?
370
00:17:32,462 --> 00:17:37,462
IT'S LIKE ANAL, EVERYONE'S DOING
371
00:17:37,528 --> 00:17:39,961
IT.
372
00:17:40,028 --> 00:17:41,228
RELIGION NUMBERS ARE DOWN ACROSS
373
00:17:41,295 --> 00:17:44,128
THE BOARD AND YOU WONDER WHY.
374
00:17:44,195 --> 00:17:46,128
YOU SAW THEY WERE TRYING TO USE
375
00:17:46,195 --> 00:17:47,661
THE BIBLE TO JUSTIFY SEPARATING
376
00:17:47,728 --> 00:17:48,995
CHILDREN FROM THEIR PARENTS AT
377
00:17:49,061 --> 00:17:52,495
THE BORDER.
378
00:17:53,195 --> 00:17:55,995
SO I HOPE YOU WILL AGREE WITH ME
379
00:17:56,061 --> 00:17:58,328
THAT ABOVE ALL THINGS IN THIS
380
00:17:58,395 --> 00:17:59,228
WORLD, WHAT NEEDS SCRUTINY AND
381
00:17:59,295 --> 00:18:04,128
CRITICISM IS RELIGION.
382
00:18:05,295 --> 00:18:08,228
AND THAT MEANS ALL OF THEM.
383
00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:12,528
ALL OF THEM.
384
00:18:14,628 --> 00:18:16,128
THIS RIDICULOUS FETISH I SING OF
385
00:18:16,195 --> 00:18:17,661
ISLAM ON THE PART OF SO MANY
386
00:18:17,728 --> 00:18:20,794
LIBERALS HAS GOT TO STOP.
387
00:18:20,861 --> 00:18:23,495
IT'S A RELIGION, LIKE ALL
388
00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:25,462
RELIGIONS, ANTIQUATED AND
389
00:18:25,528 --> 00:18:26,728
DANGEROUS.
390
00:18:26,794 --> 00:18:27,628
THAT ONE IS MORE FUNDAMENTALIST
391
00:18:27,694 --> 00:18:31,462
WHICH IS NOT A COMPLIMENT.
392
00:18:31,528 --> 00:18:33,961
IT IS TRUMP'S MUSLIM MAN A GOOD
393
00:18:34,028 --> 00:18:34,161
IDEA?
394
00:18:34,228 --> 00:18:37,128
OF COURSE NOT.
395
00:18:37,195 --> 00:18:39,028
IT'S COUNTERPRODUCTIVE, IT'S
396
00:18:39,095 --> 00:18:39,628
UNNECESSARY, IT'S UN-AMERICAN,
397
00:18:39,694 --> 00:18:41,694
IT'S BIGOTED.
398
00:18:41,761 --> 00:18:42,928
BUT WHAT IS THE LIBERAL ANSWER
399
00:18:42,995 --> 00:18:46,061
TO THIS ISSUE?
400
00:18:46,128 --> 00:18:46,628
APPARENTLY IT'S JUST YELLING
401
00:18:46,694 --> 00:18:48,928
ISLAM A PHOBIA WHEN ANYBODY
402
00:18:48,995 --> 00:18:52,728
CRITICIZES THE RELIGION.
403
00:18:52,794 --> 00:18:53,528
I CAN'T CRITICIZE A RELIGION?
404
00:18:53,594 --> 00:19:01,128
HAVE WE MET?
405
00:19:01,195 --> 00:19:01,861
I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS ALREADY
406
00:19:01,928 --> 00:19:02,728
WITH THE CATHOLICS.
407
00:19:02,794 --> 00:19:04,395
THEY WERE THE ONES TRYING TO GET
408
00:19:04,462 --> 00:19:07,161
ME THROWN OFF TV TEN, 12 YEARS
409
00:19:07,228 --> 00:19:08,128
AGO.
410
00:19:08,195 --> 00:19:10,895
WILLIAM DONOHUE THE HEAD OF THE
411
00:19:10,961 --> 00:19:12,328
CATHOLIC LEAGUE WITH HIS LETTER
412
00:19:12,395 --> 00:19:12,961
WRITING CAMPAIGNS AT ONE POINT
413
00:19:13,028 --> 00:19:18,961
WANTED TO FIGHT ME.
414
00:19:19,028 --> 00:19:21,161
FIGHT ME AS JESUS WOULD HAVE
415
00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:24,328
WANTED I'M SURE, 250-YEAR-OLD
416
00:19:24,395 --> 00:19:24,928
MAN IN A PARKING LOT WITH OUR
417
00:19:24,995 --> 00:19:28,395
SHORT SLEEVES ROLLED UP.
418
00:19:28,728 --> 00:19:32,195
FIGHT ME.
419
00:19:32,262 --> 00:19:38,928
I WOULD SAY IT "BILL, I'M NOT
420
00:19:38,995 --> 00:19:40,128
ANTICATHOLIC, I'M ANTI-CHILD
421
00:19:40,195 --> 00:19:40,362
FUCKING.
422
00:19:40,428 --> 00:19:41,928
YOUR ORGANIZATION HAS BEEN
423
00:19:41,995 --> 00:19:43,295
CAUGHT DOING A LOT OF THAT, THAT
424
00:19:43,362 --> 00:19:46,328
DOESN'T MAKE ME A BAD GUY.
425
00:19:46,395 --> 00:19:49,061
I'M NOT ANTI-MUSLIM, I'M
426
00:19:49,128 --> 00:19:50,362
ANTI-MISOGYNY.
427
00:19:50,428 --> 00:19:51,061
I THOUGHT FEMINISM WAS A THING
428
00:19:51,128 --> 00:19:53,061
WITH LIBERALS."
429
00:19:53,128 --> 00:19:56,728
I'M AGAINST IT WHEN THEY THROW A
430
00:19:56,794 --> 00:19:59,195
TARP OVER A WOMAN LIKE SHE'S A
431
00:19:59,262 --> 00:20:00,728
MOTORBOAT.
432
00:20:01,395 --> 00:20:03,295
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED ONE OF THOSE
433
00:20:03,362 --> 00:20:03,462
ON?
434
00:20:03,528 --> 00:20:05,428
IT'S STIFLING.
435
00:20:05,495 --> 00:20:07,061
PART OF THE REASON WHY THEY DO
436
00:20:07,128 --> 00:20:10,861
THAT IS SO THE MEN DON'T HAVE TO
437
00:20:10,928 --> 00:20:12,528
BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR
438
00:20:12,594 --> 00:20:12,794
ERECTIONS.
439
00:20:12,861 --> 00:20:15,928
LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN.
440
00:20:15,995 --> 00:20:18,561
THE MEN MAKE THE WOMEN WALK
441
00:20:18,628 --> 00:20:21,928
AROUND ALL DAY IN A VOTING BOOTH
442
00:20:21,995 --> 00:20:23,028
SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE
443
00:20:23,095 --> 00:20:28,395
RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ERECTIONS.
444
00:20:28,462 --> 00:20:37,328
YOUR MOVE, #MeToo.
445
00:20:37,395 --> 00:20:39,395
I'M NOT ANTI-ANY PEOPLE, I'M
446
00:20:39,462 --> 00:20:42,528
ANTI-TERRORIZING HOMOSEXUALS.
447
00:20:42,594 --> 00:20:44,628
I THOUGHT THAT WAS A LIBERAL
448
00:20:44,694 --> 00:20:49,995
THING.
449
00:20:50,061 --> 00:20:53,828
I SAW A COLLEGE KID ON CAMPUS
450
00:20:53,895 --> 00:20:58,794
WITH A T-SHIRT THAT SAID QUEERS
451
00:20:58,861 --> 00:21:01,728
AGAINST ISLAMOPHOBIA.
452
00:21:01,794 --> 00:21:04,395
I WANTED TO SAY TO HIM WHERE
453
00:21:04,462 --> 00:21:05,428
THAT SHIRT IN PAKISTAN AND SEE
454
00:21:05,495 --> 00:21:11,128
IF ANYBODY READS DOWN THE
455
00:21:11,195 --> 00:21:11,728
CLEAREST PART.
456
00:21:11,794 --> 00:21:12,861
NO PROTECTED SPECIES IN AMERICA,
457
00:21:12,928 --> 00:21:15,128
WE HAVE FREE SPEECH HERE.
458
00:21:15,195 --> 00:21:17,694
ALL JOKES ARE UNFAIR TO A DEGREE
459
00:21:17,761 --> 00:21:17,928
DEGREE.
460
00:21:17,995 --> 00:21:19,528
THINGS STICK A MOTHER NOT ALWAYS
461
00:21:19,594 --> 00:21:20,528
TOTALLY TRUE BUT WE ALWAYS SUCK
462
00:21:20,594 --> 00:21:23,995
IT UP AND LAUGH.
463
00:21:24,061 --> 00:21:29,328
THAT'S EVERYBODY.
464
00:21:29,395 --> 00:21:31,295
IF SOMETHING HAPPENS IN GERMANY,
465
00:21:31,362 --> 00:21:34,928
EVERY COMEDIAN MAKES A NAZI
466
00:21:34,995 --> 00:21:36,628
JOKE, GERMANY DOESN'T HAVE A LOT
467
00:21:36,694 --> 00:21:37,028
OF THEM ANYMORE.
468
00:21:37,095 --> 00:21:39,462
HERE, YES.
469
00:21:39,528 --> 00:21:42,328
WE HAVE THE NAZIS HERE.
470
00:21:42,395 --> 00:21:43,794
THAT'S HOW IT IS, IF YOU ARE
471
00:21:43,861 --> 00:21:48,328
FRENCH YOU ALWAYS SURRENDER.
472
00:21:48,395 --> 00:21:48,895
IF YOU'RE A SUPERMODEL, YOU
473
00:21:48,961 --> 00:21:52,128
ALWAYS THROW UP YOUR LUNCH, IF
474
00:21:52,195 --> 00:21:53,061
YOU'RE A REDNECK YOU ALWAYS FUCK
475
00:21:53,128 --> 00:21:59,794
YOUR SISTER.
476
00:22:00,128 --> 00:22:04,428
TO CLOSE?
477
00:22:06,561 --> 00:22:15,694
SORRY.
478
00:22:15,761 --> 00:22:17,694
NOTHING IS FUNNY PEOPLE CANNOT
479
00:22:17,761 --> 00:22:19,128
WIN.
480
00:22:19,195 --> 00:22:21,128
THINGS ARE BAD ENOUGH, WE HAVE
481
00:22:21,195 --> 00:22:21,728
TO LAUGH.
482
00:22:21,794 --> 00:22:22,928
AND THE SNOWFLAKES KEEP WANTING
483
00:22:22,995 --> 00:22:26,128
TO MOVE THE GOALPOSTS ON WHAT
484
00:22:26,195 --> 00:22:26,828
CAN BE FUNNY.
485
00:22:26,895 --> 00:22:28,528
NOW THEY ARE ON THIS THING WHERE
486
00:22:28,594 --> 00:22:30,028
IF SOMETHING IN A JOKE EVEN
487
00:22:30,095 --> 00:22:31,528
REMINDS YOU OF SOMETHING THAT'S
488
00:22:31,594 --> 00:22:35,495
SAD, NO GOOD.
489
00:22:35,561 --> 00:22:35,728
WELL...
490
00:22:35,794 --> 00:22:38,061
FUCK THAT.
491
00:22:38,128 --> 00:22:40,262
MY ANSWER TO THAT IS MEL BROOKS
492
00:22:40,328 --> 00:22:45,262
WHAT HITLER IN A MUSICAL.
493
00:22:45,328 --> 00:22:50,928
SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER.
494
00:22:51,995 --> 00:22:53,128
IF I TRIED REAL HARD I THINK I
495
00:22:53,195 --> 00:22:55,362
COULD CONNECT THAT TO SOMETHING
496
00:22:55,428 --> 00:22:57,628
SAID THAT I DON'T BECAUSE WE
497
00:22:57,694 --> 00:22:58,728
CHOOSE TO LAUGH.
498
00:22:58,794 --> 00:23:00,895
WE CHOOSE TO LAUGH, NOT BECAUSE
499
00:23:00,961 --> 00:23:03,661
IT'S EASY, BUT BECAUSE IT'S HARD
500
00:23:03,728 --> 00:23:07,128
HARD.
501
00:23:07,661 --> 00:23:13,328
THAT'S MY JFK.
502
00:23:13,395 --> 00:23:15,728
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, WE NEVER HAD
503
00:23:15,794 --> 00:23:19,128
TERMS LIKE MICRO AGGRESSIONS.
504
00:23:19,195 --> 00:23:20,794
MICRO AGGRESSIONS AND SAFE
505
00:23:20,861 --> 00:23:23,995
SPACES AND TRIGGER WARNINGS.
506
00:23:24,061 --> 00:23:26,661
I'M NOT A MARINE OR ANYTHING BUT
507
00:23:26,728 --> 00:23:30,328
WHY DID EVERYBODY GET SO FRAGILE
508
00:23:30,395 --> 00:23:32,028
ABOUT FREE SPEECH ZONES?
509
00:23:32,095 --> 00:23:37,095
YOU MEAN AMERICA?
510
00:23:41,961 --> 00:23:43,728
LIBERALS CAN BE THE WORST ON
511
00:23:43,794 --> 00:23:45,728
THIS, WE SHOULD OWN THE
512
00:23:45,794 --> 00:23:46,462
FIRST AMENDMENT THE WAY THE
513
00:23:46,528 --> 00:23:48,528
CONSERVATIVES ON THE SECOND.
514
00:23:48,594 --> 00:23:50,995
BUT WE DON'T.
515
00:23:51,061 --> 00:23:53,528
WE GAVE IT UP.
516
00:23:54,861 --> 00:23:57,928
I HAD THE HONOR OF MY LIFE -- I
517
00:23:57,995 --> 00:24:00,895
THOUGHT IT WAS.
518
00:24:00,961 --> 00:24:03,328
FOUR YEARS AGO WHEN BERKELEY ON
519
00:24:03,395 --> 00:24:04,694
THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE FREE
520
00:24:04,761 --> 00:24:07,128
SPEECH MOVEMENT ON THE BERKELEY
521
00:24:07,195 --> 00:24:08,828
CAMPUS INVITED ME TO BE THE
522
00:24:08,895 --> 00:24:10,828
KEYNOTE SPEAKER AT THE
523
00:24:10,895 --> 00:24:15,428
GRADUATION.
524
00:24:17,395 --> 00:24:18,128
WEIGHT.
525
00:24:18,195 --> 00:24:19,861
AND THEN I WAS UNINVITED BECAUSE
526
00:24:19,928 --> 00:24:21,961
THEY GOT WIND I MIGHT SPEAK
527
00:24:22,028 --> 00:24:25,728
FREELY.
528
00:24:25,794 --> 00:24:27,495
THEY DON'T TEACH IRONY ON CAMPUS
529
00:24:27,561 --> 00:24:31,928
ANYMORE IS MY GUESS.
530
00:24:31,995 --> 00:24:33,228
CAMPUSES ARE A LITTLE OUT OF
531
00:24:33,295 --> 00:24:36,528
CONTROL, WOULD YOU NOT AGREE?
532
00:24:40,594 --> 00:24:42,095
THREE COLLEGES LAST YEAR HAD TO
533
00:24:42,161 --> 00:24:45,995
CANCEL PRODUCTIONS OF THE VAGINA
534
00:24:46,061 --> 00:24:48,594
MONOLOGUES BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T
535
00:24:48,661 --> 00:24:50,561
SENSITIVE ENOUGH TO WOMEN WHO
536
00:24:50,628 --> 00:24:56,594
DON'T HAVE A VAGINA.
537
00:24:56,928 --> 00:25:01,128
THEY EXIST, CAITLYN JENNER I
538
00:25:01,195 --> 00:25:03,628
BELIEVE IS A WOMAN WHO STILL HAS
539
00:25:03,694 --> 00:25:05,328
A DICK.
540
00:25:05,395 --> 00:25:07,728
WHATEVER IT IS, I SUPPORT HER,
541
00:25:07,794 --> 00:25:08,495
OKAY?
542
00:25:08,561 --> 00:25:12,095
IF SHE CUT IT OFF, I SAY GOOD
543
00:25:12,161 --> 00:25:12,895
CHOICE!
544
00:25:12,961 --> 00:25:14,828
GOOD RIDDANCE TO THAT FUCKING
545
00:25:14,895 --> 00:25:16,295
THING, IT'S NOTHING BUT TROUBLE,
546
00:25:16,362 --> 00:25:17,828
I SEE IT LIKE THE TONSILS OR THE
547
00:25:17,895 --> 00:25:22,495
APPENDIX OR SOMETHING.
548
00:25:26,428 --> 00:25:28,195
I HARP ON THIS STUFF BECAUSE
549
00:25:28,262 --> 00:25:29,761
DEMOCRATS I THINK WE CAN ALL
550
00:25:29,828 --> 00:25:30,761
AGREE CANNOT AFFORD TO BLOW
551
00:25:30,828 --> 00:25:39,328
ANYMORE ELECTIONS.
552
00:25:39,395 --> 00:25:41,928
THIS KIND OF SHIT IS ONE REASON
553
00:25:41,995 --> 00:25:44,328
WHY JUST THE NAME DEMOCRAT IS SO
554
00:25:44,395 --> 00:25:47,528
TOXIC IN STATES LIKE THIS, AND
555
00:25:47,594 --> 00:25:48,362
ABOUT 25 OTHERS WERE ANYBODY
556
00:25:48,428 --> 00:25:50,028
OTHER THAN A DEMOCRAT CAN WIN.
557
00:25:50,095 --> 00:25:56,128
WE'VE GOT TO CHANGE THAT.
558
00:25:59,061 --> 00:25:59,628
AND THE WAY YOU DO IT, DROP THE
559
00:25:59,694 --> 00:26:02,694
PC BULLSHIT.
560
00:26:02,761 --> 00:26:08,161
ALSO, GET A MESSAGE.
561
00:26:08,228 --> 00:26:09,362
GET A CANDIDATE THAT PEOPLE
562
00:26:09,428 --> 00:26:10,428
LIKE, I LIKED HILARY BUT SHE
563
00:26:10,495 --> 00:26:13,228
COULDN'T FILL THE FUNCTION ROOM
564
00:26:13,295 --> 00:26:17,295
AT THE OLIVE GARDEN.
565
00:26:18,594 --> 00:26:20,528
MEANWHILE THERE WAS A
566
00:26:20,594 --> 00:26:21,395
74-YEAR-OLD MAN GETTING 20,000
567
00:26:21,462 --> 00:26:25,895
PEOPLE TO COME OUT AND SEE HIM.
568
00:26:30,794 --> 00:26:31,528
YES, BERNIE.
569
00:26:31,594 --> 00:26:32,328
BERNIE SANDERS.
570
00:26:32,395 --> 00:26:34,161
IN THIS AGE WHERE EVERYTHING IS
571
00:26:34,228 --> 00:26:35,728
FAKE NEWS AND PEOPLE DON'T READ
572
00:26:35,794 --> 00:26:36,961
THE NEWS ANYWAY, THEY DON'T KNOW
573
00:26:37,028 --> 00:26:39,761
WHAT'S GOING ON, THE COIN OF THE
574
00:26:39,828 --> 00:26:42,061
REALM, WHAT PEOPLE LATCH ONTO
575
00:26:42,128 --> 00:26:43,528
HIS AUTHENTICITY.
576
00:26:43,594 --> 00:26:46,195
NOT MANY HAVE REAL AUTHENTICITY.
577
00:26:46,262 --> 00:26:49,328
BERNIE SANDERS DID.
578
00:26:55,061 --> 00:26:55,628
HE ALWAYS LOOKED LIKE A GUY WHO
579
00:26:55,694 --> 00:26:56,262
WORKED IN A LITTLE OFFICE WHERE
580
00:26:56,328 --> 00:27:02,128
THE ROOF LEAKED.
581
00:27:04,828 --> 00:27:06,995
"I FINISHED MY SOUP, THREE
582
00:27:07,061 --> 00:27:12,028
TIMES."
583
00:27:12,594 --> 00:27:15,128
AND YOU KNOW IF HE BECAME
584
00:27:15,195 --> 00:27:16,128
PRESIDENT, NOTHING WOULD HAVE
585
00:27:16,195 --> 00:27:16,528
CHANGED.
586
00:27:16,594 --> 00:27:18,161
HE'D WALK INTO THE OVAL OFFICE,
587
00:27:18,228 --> 00:27:19,428
HE'D BE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING ON
588
00:27:19,495 --> 00:27:22,328
HIS DESK IT WOULD BE A MESS.
589
00:27:22,395 --> 00:27:24,961
"I'VE GOT A SYSTEM, IT'S IN HERE
590
00:27:25,028 --> 00:27:25,895
SOMEWHERE."
591
00:27:25,961 --> 00:27:27,794
HALF OF AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH
592
00:27:27,861 --> 00:27:32,095
DOWN THERE AND A CAT.
593
00:27:32,161 --> 00:27:33,728
THE QUEEN WOULD COME FOR A STATE
594
00:27:33,794 --> 00:27:34,528
VISIT, HE WOULD HAVE TO MOVE
595
00:27:34,594 --> 00:27:37,262
BOXES OFF THE COUCH.
596
00:27:37,328 --> 00:27:41,028
"DARLING, SIT, DARLING!
597
00:27:41,095 --> 00:27:44,028
IT'S OUR BUSY SEASON!
598
00:27:44,095 --> 00:27:48,661
WOULD YOU LIKE HALF OF AN EGG
599
00:27:48,728 --> 00:27:50,228
SALAD SANDWICH?
600
00:27:50,295 --> 00:27:53,128
"THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE WANT.
601
00:27:53,195 --> 00:27:53,928
THE OTHER GUY WHO HAD
602
00:27:53,995 --> 00:27:55,861
AUTHENTICITY, I WILL GIVE HIM
603
00:27:55,928 --> 00:27:57,895
THAT.
604
00:27:57,961 --> 00:28:00,262
DONALD TRUMP IS AUTHENTICALLY A
605
00:28:00,328 --> 00:28:02,395
DUES
606
00:28:02,462 --> 00:28:06,128
DUES BAG DUES BAG FROM QUEENS.
607
00:28:06,195 --> 00:28:07,095
HE DOESN'T WANT TO HIDE IT, IT
608
00:28:07,161 --> 00:28:09,694
WORKS FOR HIM.
609
00:28:09,761 --> 00:28:10,761
HE IS LIKE ONE OF US, HE'S A
610
00:28:10,828 --> 00:28:13,328
REAL AMERICAN.
611
00:28:13,395 --> 00:28:14,995
HE'S FAT, HE EATS SHIT, HE PLAYS
612
00:28:15,061 --> 00:28:18,061
WITH HIS PHONE ALL DAY AND ALL
613
00:28:18,128 --> 00:28:18,462
NIGHT.
614
00:28:18,528 --> 00:28:25,128
WHAT IS WITH THE 3:00 A.M. BITCH
615
00:28:25,195 --> 00:28:25,395
TWEETING?
616
00:28:25,462 --> 00:28:27,462
WHAT IS GOING ON AT 3:00 A.M.?
617
00:28:27,528 --> 00:28:31,128
IS THAT A POOP TWEET?
618
00:28:31,195 --> 00:28:33,428
IS THAT WHEN THE METAMUCIL KICKS
619
00:28:33,495 --> 00:28:38,328
IN?
620
00:28:38,395 --> 00:28:39,928
IS THAT HOW HE GETS TO SLEEP?
621
00:28:39,995 --> 00:28:41,728
THAT WOULD BE REALLY SICK
622
00:28:41,794 --> 00:28:43,128
BECAUSE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO
623
00:28:43,195 --> 00:28:44,462
SOMETHING CALM AND BEFORE YOU GO
624
00:28:44,528 --> 00:28:47,428
TO BED AND HIS TWEETS AT
625
00:28:47,495 --> 00:28:49,861
3:00 A.M., "YOU'RE LOSING,
626
00:28:49,928 --> 00:28:54,928
YOU'RE A DISASTER, I HATE YOU."
627
00:28:54,995 --> 00:28:56,528
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING
628
00:28:56,594 --> 00:28:58,694
CALL MEGAN MEDITATIVE, I
629
00:28:58,761 --> 00:29:00,462
JERK OFF.
630
00:29:00,528 --> 00:29:07,128
NOTICE I HAD TO SWITCH THE MIC
631
00:29:07,195 --> 00:29:07,495
HAND, JUST TO
632
00:29:07,561 --> 00:29:08,928
A SIMULATED
633
00:29:08,995 --> 00:29:09,961
APPARENTLY, THAT'S HOW SERIOUS I
634
00:29:10,028 --> 00:29:14,495
AM ABOUT MASTURBATION.
635
00:29:20,061 --> 00:29:20,628
I MUST TELL YOU FOLKS, YOU'RE A
636
00:29:20,694 --> 00:29:25,128
BEAUTIFUL CROWD.
637
00:29:25,661 --> 00:29:28,228
I'M GOING TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU
638
00:29:28,295 --> 00:29:29,028
YOU.
639
00:29:29,095 --> 00:29:31,095
I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU AS A
640
00:29:31,161 --> 00:29:32,828
COMEDIAN I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT
641
00:29:32,895 --> 00:29:34,028
MASTURBATION ON STAGE FOR A LONG
642
00:29:34,095 --> 00:29:34,861
TIME.
643
00:29:34,928 --> 00:29:35,661
THE LAST YEAR, THE FIRST TIME IN
644
00:29:35,728 --> 00:29:38,195
MY LIFE, I HAVE TO SPELL IT
645
00:29:38,262 --> 00:29:44,694
OUT -- I WAS ALONE.
646
00:29:44,761 --> 00:29:46,395
I JUST ASSUMED EVERYBODY KNEW
647
00:29:46,462 --> 00:29:52,495
MASTURBATION YOU WERE ALONE.
648
00:29:52,561 --> 00:29:52,995
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
649
00:29:53,061 --> 00:29:56,928
I USED TO SAY I DON'T UNDERSTAND
650
00:29:56,995 --> 00:29:58,328
WOMEN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND MEN.
651
00:29:58,395 --> 00:29:59,295
MASTURBATING IN FRONT OF
652
00:29:59,362 --> 00:29:59,561
SOMEBODY?
653
00:29:59,628 --> 00:30:05,928
I CAN'T P IN FRONT OF SOMEBODY.
654
00:30:05,995 --> 00:30:08,228
WHEN THAT THIS TREND TO START?
655
00:30:08,295 --> 00:30:11,528
WHAT MOVE IS THIS?
656
00:30:11,594 --> 00:30:12,594
THE DATE DIDN'T GO QUITE THE WAY
657
00:30:12,661 --> 00:30:18,694
I WANTED TO BUT SHE'S IN THE
658
00:30:18,761 --> 00:30:22,095
ROOM, I'M GOING TO TAKE MY DICK
659
00:30:22,161 --> 00:30:25,928
OUT, SO I KIND OF GOT LAID?
660
00:30:26,428 --> 00:30:34,794
IT'S LIKE A GAME HE ENGULFED?
661
00:30:34,861 --> 00:30:38,128
GIMME IN GOLF.
662
00:30:38,195 --> 00:30:39,028
I HOPE WOMEN KNOW THERE ARE A
663
00:30:39,095 --> 00:30:40,728
LOT OF MEN WHO ARE VERY HAPPY
664
00:30:40,794 --> 00:30:41,362
FOR YOU THAT THIS RECKONING
665
00:30:41,428 --> 00:30:45,561
FINALLY CAME ABOUT.
666
00:30:46,594 --> 00:30:47,528
THAT YOUR LIVES WILL ALWAYS BE
667
00:30:47,594 --> 00:30:52,528
BETTER FOR IT, IT'S TRUE.
668
00:30:52,594 --> 00:30:53,395
I ALWAYS HATED BULLIES.
669
00:30:53,462 --> 00:30:57,528
BULLIES OF ANY KIND.
670
00:30:57,594 --> 00:30:58,928
SEXUAL HARASSMENT, IS JUST A
671
00:30:58,995 --> 00:30:59,495
PARTICULARLY ODIOUS KIND OF
672
00:30:59,561 --> 00:31:00,628
BULLYING AND ITS GREAT ALL MEN,
673
00:31:00,694 --> 00:31:02,895
NOT JUST THE RICH AND FAMOUS
674
00:31:02,961 --> 00:31:05,528
ANYMORE, EVERY MAN IS ON NOTICE.
675
00:31:05,594 --> 00:31:12,895
YOU'RE PLAYING WITH FIVE FOULS.
676
00:31:12,961 --> 00:31:14,362
BUT I MUST TELL YOU I TOOK A
677
00:31:14,428 --> 00:31:16,228
LITTLE INFORMAL POLL RECENTLY
678
00:31:16,295 --> 00:31:25,495
AND THE PENIS IS STILL POPULAR.
679
00:31:25,561 --> 00:31:27,961
THE PENIS HAS DONE SOME VERY BAD
680
00:31:28,028 --> 00:31:29,362
THINGS, VERY BAD THINGS,
681
00:31:29,428 --> 00:31:31,928
TERRIBLE THINGS.
682
00:31:36,861 --> 00:31:38,728
BUT LADIES, YOU STILL WANT SOME
683
00:31:38,794 --> 00:31:39,295
DICK EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,
684
00:31:39,362 --> 00:31:41,528
DON'T YOU?
685
00:31:41,594 --> 00:31:42,561
WE WANT TO BE PART OF THE
686
00:31:42,628 --> 00:31:44,228
SOLUTION AND WE NEED TO BE PART
687
00:31:44,295 --> 00:31:45,061
OF THE SOLUTION THAT'S WHAT I
688
00:31:45,128 --> 00:31:48,195
SAY ABOUT THE PENIS, MENDED,
689
00:31:48,262 --> 00:31:52,828
DON'T END IT.
690
00:31:52,895 --> 00:31:56,028
GOT EVERYBODY A LITTLE SLACK
691
00:31:56,095 --> 00:31:57,694
BECAUSE THE ROMANCE GAME IS A
692
00:31:57,761 --> 00:32:00,161
LITTLE TOUCHY, IT'S NOT EXACTLY
693
00:32:00,228 --> 00:32:05,195
ALWAYS EASY TO DEFINE.
694
00:32:05,262 --> 00:32:07,228
PASSION AND POLITICAL
695
00:32:07,295 --> 00:32:10,128
CORRECTNESS ARE NOT NATURAL
696
00:32:10,195 --> 00:32:10,628
ALLIES.
697
00:32:10,694 --> 00:32:15,262
NO ONE IN BED WANTS TO HEAR
698
00:32:15,328 --> 00:32:18,395
"WHO'S YOUR COEQUAL PARTNER?"
699
00:32:18,462 --> 00:32:22,495
NOBODY, RIGHT?
700
00:32:32,128 --> 00:32:32,694
LIBERALS HAVE THE HIGH GROUND ON
701
00:32:32,761 --> 00:32:33,295
THIS ISSUE, LET'S NOT VEER OFF
702
00:32:33,362 --> 00:32:33,861
AS LIBERALS SO OFTEN DO INTO
703
00:32:33,928 --> 00:32:34,495
THAT WEIRD PLACE WHERE WE LOOK
704
00:32:34,561 --> 00:32:37,161
RIDICULOUS.
705
00:32:37,228 --> 00:32:37,828
OKAY?
706
00:32:37,895 --> 00:32:40,694
IT'S ALREADY HAPPENED.
707
00:32:40,761 --> 00:32:42,028
MATT DAMON FAMOUSLY SAID I THINK
708
00:32:42,095 --> 00:32:43,528
WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT THERE'S A
709
00:32:43,594 --> 00:32:47,895
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PAT ON THE
710
00:32:47,961 --> 00:32:49,594
ASS AND RATE, THERE WAS A BIG
711
00:32:49,661 --> 00:32:50,594
LIBERAL BACKLASH, NO WE DON'T
712
00:32:50,661 --> 00:32:54,528
AGREE WITH THAT.
713
00:32:54,594 --> 00:32:56,395
THIS IS ONE REASON WHY WE LOSE
714
00:32:56,462 --> 00:32:56,661
ELECTIONS.
715
00:32:56,728 --> 00:33:00,295
THIS IS ONE REASON.
716
00:33:00,362 --> 00:33:01,895
IN 2016, THE DEMOCRATS AND
717
00:33:01,961 --> 00:33:02,528
REPUBLICANS PLAYED A LITTLE GAME
718
00:33:02,594 --> 00:33:05,095
OF CHICKEN WITH EACH OTHER.
719
00:33:05,161 --> 00:33:06,628
AND THE DEMOCRATS SAID TO
720
00:33:06,694 --> 00:33:08,995
REPUBLICANS, YOU CANNOT BE SO
721
00:33:09,061 --> 00:33:11,395
STUPID AS TO VOTE FOR
722
00:33:11,462 --> 00:33:11,728
DONALD TRUMP.
723
00:33:11,794 --> 00:33:14,995
AND THEY SAID DON'T EVER TELL US
724
00:33:15,061 --> 00:33:18,561
HOW STUPID WE CAN BE.
725
00:33:21,761 --> 00:33:22,495
BUT, THEY HAD A PRETTY GOOD
726
00:33:22,561 --> 00:33:25,295
ANSWER WHICH WAS WE GET THAT
727
00:33:25,362 --> 00:33:27,262
COME UP DONALD TRUMP IS CRAZY
728
00:33:27,328 --> 00:33:29,061
BUT IF YOU THINK WHAT MATT DAMON
729
00:33:29,128 --> 00:33:30,428
SAID IS THE LEAST BIT
730
00:33:30,495 --> 00:33:32,861
CONTROVERSIAL OR IF YOU THINK
731
00:33:32,928 --> 00:33:34,061
THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES IS
732
00:33:34,128 --> 00:33:35,061
INSUFFICIENTLY FEMINIST OR YOU
733
00:33:35,128 --> 00:33:37,362
THINK ISLAM HAS NOTHING TO DO
734
00:33:37,428 --> 00:33:39,161
WITH ISLAMIC TERRORISM, OR YOU
735
00:33:39,228 --> 00:33:40,961
LOSE YOUR SHIT 18 WHITE GIRL
736
00:33:41,028 --> 00:33:45,694
DRESSES UP AS POCAHONTAS ON
737
00:33:45,761 --> 00:33:47,495
HALLOWEEN, THEN YOU'RE CRAZY TOO
738
00:33:47,561 --> 00:33:49,095
AND WE CAN'T TRUST YOUR
739
00:33:49,161 --> 00:33:49,395
JUDGMENT.
740
00:33:49,462 --> 00:33:52,628
AND THAT SHIT HAS TO STOP.
741
00:33:52,694 --> 00:33:54,895
WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT SHIT
742
00:33:54,961 --> 00:33:55,395
ANYMORE.
743
00:33:55,462 --> 00:33:59,728
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING,
744
00:33:59,794 --> 00:34:01,428
DONALD TRUMP IS RIGHT ABOUT ONE
745
00:34:01,495 --> 00:34:02,228
THING.
746
00:34:02,295 --> 00:34:03,628
THE ELECTIONS IN THIS COUNTRY
747
00:34:03,694 --> 00:34:05,694
ARE RIGGED EXCEPT THEY ARE
748
00:34:05,761 --> 00:34:08,295
RIGGED AGAINST US.
749
00:34:08,362 --> 00:34:08,761
GERRYMANDERING, VOTER
750
00:34:08,828 --> 00:34:11,961
SUPPRESSION, THE ELECTORAL
751
00:34:12,028 --> 00:34:15,195
COLLEGE, PUTIN COUNTING THE
752
00:34:15,262 --> 00:34:19,794
VOTES.
753
00:34:19,861 --> 00:34:21,594
THIS THING IN PRESIDENTIAL
754
00:34:21,661 --> 00:34:25,495
ELECTIONS WHERE WE WIN THE MOST
755
00:34:25,561 --> 00:34:26,794
VOTES AND THEY GET TO BE
756
00:34:26,861 --> 00:34:29,895
PRESIDENT, THAT'S GOT TO STOP.
757
00:34:37,262 --> 00:34:38,995
AL GORE WON BY 500,000 VOTES AND
758
00:34:39,061 --> 00:34:40,095
DIDN'T BECOME PRESIDENT, HILLARY
759
00:34:40,161 --> 00:34:43,462
WON BY 3 MILLION.
760
00:34:43,528 --> 00:34:45,928
EVEN KIM JONG UN IS LIKE THAT'S
761
00:34:45,995 --> 00:34:50,794
FUCKED UP.
762
00:34:50,861 --> 00:34:51,395
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE SOUNDS
763
00:34:51,462 --> 00:34:52,928
LIKE, THAT IS A DEAD ON
764
00:34:52,995 --> 00:34:56,061
KIM JONG UN.
765
00:34:56,928 --> 00:34:57,694
I STILL HAVE REPUBLICANS COMING
766
00:34:57,761 --> 00:34:58,961
ON MY SHOW, WE DON'T KNOW IF IT
767
00:34:59,028 --> 00:35:02,594
AFFECTED THE ELECTION.
768
00:35:02,661 --> 00:35:06,262
DON'T KNOW IF IT AFFECTED THE
769
00:35:06,328 --> 00:35:06,528
ELECTION?
770
00:35:06,594 --> 00:35:09,228
DOES CHRIS CHRISTIE EAT OVER THE
771
00:35:09,295 --> 00:35:14,262
SINK?
772
00:35:14,794 --> 00:35:21,161
DURING THE CAMPAIGN,
773
00:35:21,228 --> 00:35:26,395
DONALD TRUMP'S -- HE HAS TWO
774
00:35:26,462 --> 00:35:26,961
GROWN SONS, DUES BAG DUES
775
00:35:27,028 --> 00:35:39,961
DOUCN
776
00:35:40,028 --> 00:35:44,495
FUCK FACE.
777
00:35:44,561 --> 00:35:46,095
DONNIE DICK FACE GETS THIS EMAIL
778
00:35:46,161 --> 00:35:47,262
THAT SAYS WE HAVE DIRT ON
779
00:35:47,328 --> 00:35:51,462
HILLARY, SIGNED RUSSIA.
780
00:35:51,528 --> 00:35:56,262
AND HE EMAILS BACK, "I LOVE IT."
781
00:35:56,328 --> 00:35:59,495
IT'S GAME OVER THERE, ISN'T IT?
782
00:35:59,561 --> 00:36:00,561
IF YOU SEND ME AN EMAIL THAT
783
00:36:00,628 --> 00:36:00,794
SAYS I
784
00:36:00,861 --> 00:36:06,661
I HAVE SOME FANTASTIC
785
00:36:06,728 --> 00:36:08,728
KIDDIE PORN AND I EMAILED BACK
786
00:36:08,794 --> 00:36:10,961
"I LOVE IT."
787
00:36:11,028 --> 00:36:11,594
, I THINK THAT'S WHEN I KNOCK
788
00:36:11,661 --> 00:36:15,128
K
789
00:36:15,195 --> 00:36:18,694
ON YOUR DOOR.
790
00:36:18,761 --> 00:36:20,195
THEIR SHAMELESSNESS IS SO
791
00:36:20,262 --> 00:36:21,661
ASTOUNDING, THE WAY THEY WILL
792
00:36:21,728 --> 00:36:23,462
TELL A LIE AND BEFORE THE NEXT
793
00:36:23,528 --> 00:36:24,661
NEWS CYCLE THEY WILL HAVE A
794
00:36:24,728 --> 00:36:25,761
COMPLETELY NEW LYING AND DON'T
795
00:36:25,828 --> 00:36:26,462
APOLOGIZE FOR THE LAST ONE, THEY
796
00:36:26,528 --> 00:36:29,061
WILL BE LIKE THERE WAS NO
797
00:36:29,128 --> 00:36:31,228
MEETING, OKAY THERE WAS A
798
00:36:31,295 --> 00:36:32,495
MEETING.
799
00:36:32,561 --> 00:36:34,661
NO RUSSIANS, OKAY THERE WERE ONE
800
00:36:34,728 --> 00:36:36,995
RUSSIANS, SORRY I MISSED SPOKE,
801
00:36:37,061 --> 00:36:39,095
THREE RUSSIANS, FIVE RUSSIANS
802
00:36:39,161 --> 00:36:40,028
WERE AT THE MEETING AND THAT IS,
803
00:36:40,095 --> 00:36:42,228
EIGHT RUSSIANS.
804
00:36:42,295 --> 00:36:44,262
THERE WERE EIGHT RUSSIANS AT THE
805
00:36:44,328 --> 00:36:45,995
MEETING.
806
00:36:46,061 --> 00:36:48,262
AND THE BALLET.
807
00:36:48,328 --> 00:36:51,728
AND DR. ZHIVAGO AND THE CREW OF
808
00:36:51,794 --> 00:37:00,728
THE RED OCTOBER.
809
00:37:00,794 --> 00:37:01,395
YOU WOULD HAVE TO HOLD A MEETING
810
00:37:01,462 --> 00:37:01,961
IN A STEAM ROOM TO HAVE MORE
811
00:37:02,028 --> 00:37:05,661
RUSSIANS INVOLVED.
812
00:37:05,728 --> 00:37:06,895
OKAY, WE HAD A MEETING BUT IT
813
00:37:06,961 --> 00:37:10,262
WAS JUST ABOUT ADOPTIONS.
814
00:37:10,328 --> 00:37:13,661
YES, WE ARE ALL BIG FANS OF
815
00:37:13,728 --> 00:37:15,462
ANNIE, IT WAS JUST ABOUT
816
00:37:15,528 --> 00:37:16,095
ADOPTIONS.
817
00:37:16,161 --> 00:37:18,195
WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT THE
818
00:37:18,262 --> 00:37:18,462
ELECTION.
819
00:37:18,528 --> 00:37:20,594
ALL RIGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THE
820
00:37:20,661 --> 00:37:23,462
ELECTION.
821
00:37:23,528 --> 00:37:24,462
ALL RIGHT, NO COLLUSION.
822
00:37:24,528 --> 00:37:25,794
OKAY THERE WAS POLLUTION.
823
00:37:25,861 --> 00:37:28,861
BUT NO CRIMINAL COLLUSION.
824
00:37:28,928 --> 00:37:30,462
OKAY CRIMINAL COLLUSION BUT THIS
825
00:37:30,528 --> 00:37:31,794
IT REALLY SUCH A CRIME?
826
00:37:31,861 --> 00:37:32,395
THAT'S WHERE THEY ARE, THAT'S
827
00:37:32,462 --> 00:37:34,928
WITH A WHOLE REPUBLICAN PARTY
828
00:37:34,995 --> 00:37:35,262
IS.
829
00:37:35,328 --> 00:37:36,428
IS IT REALLY SUCH A CRIME TO
830
00:37:36,495 --> 00:37:38,861
COMMIT A CRIME?
831
00:37:38,928 --> 00:37:41,161
THEY ARE ON THE SIDE OF CRIME.
832
00:37:43,161 --> 00:37:45,395
THAT'S THE WHOLE PARTY, THE
833
00:37:45,462 --> 00:37:46,095
WHOLE PARTY.
834
00:37:46,161 --> 00:37:48,161
IT'S NOT JUST THE CLOWN, IT'S
835
00:37:48,228 --> 00:37:51,861
THE CIRCUS, DON'T FORGET THAT.
836
00:37:51,928 --> 00:37:53,061
DONALD TRUMP COULD NOT BE WHERE
837
00:37:53,128 --> 00:37:55,428
HE IS WITHOUT ALL OF HIS
838
00:37:55,495 --> 00:37:58,061
ENABLERS.
839
00:37:58,128 --> 00:37:59,594
I HAVE GIVEN UP ASKING THE
840
00:37:59,661 --> 00:38:00,161
QUESTION WHAT HAS TO HAPPEN
841
00:38:00,228 --> 00:38:05,161
BEFORE THEY GIVE UP -- NOTHING.
842
00:38:05,228 --> 00:38:08,061
DONALD TRUMP COULD TWEET TONIGHT
843
00:38:08,128 --> 00:38:13,895
OBAMA IS HIDING UNDER MY BED.
844
00:38:15,228 --> 00:38:15,728
AND ON MONDAY SARAH HUCKABEE
845
00:38:15,794 --> 00:38:18,128
SANDERS WOULD SAY MANY
846
00:38:18,195 --> 00:38:20,694
PRESIDENTS HAVE HAD THEIR
847
00:38:20,761 --> 00:38:22,628
PREDECESSORS HIDE UNDER THEIR
848
00:38:22,694 --> 00:38:24,594
BEDS.
849
00:38:24,661 --> 00:38:26,895
MARTIN VAN BUREN WAS UNDER
850
00:38:26,961 --> 00:38:27,728
WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON'S BED FOR
851
00:38:27,794 --> 00:38:32,161
TWO YEARS FROM 1837 TO 1839.
852
00:38:32,228 --> 00:38:35,528
GROVER CLEVELAND WAS UNDER THE
853
00:38:35,594 --> 00:38:38,061
BED.
854
00:38:41,895 --> 00:38:43,428
OF ALL THE ENABLERS THAT GET
855
00:38:43,495 --> 00:38:44,995
UNDER MY SKIN, THE ONE I HATE
856
00:38:45,061 --> 00:38:49,561
THE MOST, MIKE PENCE.
857
00:38:50,095 --> 00:38:54,694
SUPER CHRISTIAN.
858
00:38:54,761 --> 00:38:55,828
MONITORS ALL OF DONALD TRUMP'S
859
00:38:55,895 --> 00:38:57,594
SLIME BECAUSE HE LOOKS SO
860
00:38:57,661 --> 00:38:58,761
CHRISTIAN.
861
00:38:58,828 --> 00:39:02,061
HE'S BEYOND CHRISTIAN, LIFE
862
00:39:02,128 --> 00:39:10,761
BEGINS AT DIRECTION.
863
00:39:10,828 --> 00:39:13,895
ERECTION.
864
00:39:13,961 --> 00:39:14,895
HE LIVES BY SOMETHING THEY CALL
865
00:39:14,961 --> 00:39:17,262
THE BILLY GRAHAM RULE, HE WILL
866
00:39:17,328 --> 00:39:19,495
NEVER GO TO ANY FUNCTION, PARTY,
867
00:39:19,561 --> 00:39:20,928
WHERE THERE IS ALCOHOL BEING
868
00:39:20,995 --> 00:39:23,128
SERVED IF HIS WIFE IS NOT WITH
869
00:39:23,195 --> 00:39:24,995
HIM.
870
00:39:25,061 --> 00:39:25,161
WHY?
871
00:39:25,228 --> 00:39:29,495
BECAUSE THE OTHER CHICKS WOULD
872
00:39:29,561 --> 00:39:31,861
BUM
873
00:39:32,928 --> 00:39:34,861
IT WOULD BE LIKE TUPAC AND 95.
874
00:39:34,928 --> 00:39:37,328
THEY WOULD BE BLOWING HIM ON THE
875
00:39:37,395 --> 00:39:45,362
DANCE FLOOR.
876
00:39:45,694 --> 00:39:49,995
I JUST WANT TO SAY, THIS IS
877
00:39:50,061 --> 00:39:50,462
IMPORTANT.
878
00:39:50,561 --> 00:39:51,694
I'M NEVER GOING TO BE THE
879
00:39:51,761 --> 00:39:53,128
COMEDIAN WHO STOPS THE SHOW AND
880
00:39:53,195 --> 00:39:55,861
THIS IS SERIOUS, BUT THIS IS
881
00:39:55,928 --> 00:39:58,661
SERIOUS.
882
00:39:58,995 --> 00:40:01,728
A SMALL LIGHTING CHANGE, PERFECT
883
00:40:01,794 --> 00:40:04,061
PERFECT.
884
00:40:04,928 --> 00:40:06,061
WHEN I TOOK THE S.A.T.s, I
885
00:40:06,128 --> 00:40:06,728
DON'T KNOW IF THEY STILL HAVE
886
00:40:06,794 --> 00:40:10,395
THIS QUESTION, THERE WAS A
887
00:40:10,462 --> 00:40:12,262
SECTION CALLED CHOOSE THE BEST
888
00:40:12,328 --> 00:40:13,861
ANSWER, THERE WERE NEVER AN
889
00:40:13,928 --> 00:40:14,628
ANSWER THAT FITS PERFECTLY, THEY
890
00:40:14,694 --> 00:40:16,228
WERE TRYING TO TEACH YOU
891
00:40:16,295 --> 00:40:17,262
SOMETHING, SOMETIMES THERE ISN'T
892
00:40:17,328 --> 00:40:18,628
A PERFECT ANSWER YOU CHOOSE THE
893
00:40:18,694 --> 00:40:20,828
BEST ANSWER.
894
00:40:20,895 --> 00:40:22,061
WHEN PEOPLE SAY MIKE PENCE WOULD
895
00:40:22,128 --> 00:40:23,228
BE WORSE, I IMPLORE YOU TO
896
00:40:23,295 --> 00:40:27,295
RECONSIDER THAT.
897
00:40:27,362 --> 00:40:28,995
MIKE PENCE IS THE KIND OF
898
00:40:29,061 --> 00:40:29,794
LOATHSOME CHRISTIAN HYPOCRITE
899
00:40:29,861 --> 00:40:31,228
THAT IF I DIDN'T HATE RELIGION
900
00:40:31,295 --> 00:40:36,462
ALREADY, I WOULD START.
901
00:40:37,995 --> 00:40:41,328
BUT MIKE PENCE IS NOT TRYING TO
902
00:40:41,395 --> 00:40:44,462
BECOME A DICTATOR.
903
00:40:44,528 --> 00:40:46,428
MIKE PENCE DOES NOT TALK ABOUT
904
00:40:46,495 --> 00:40:47,861
LOCKING UP JOURNALISTS AND
905
00:40:47,928 --> 00:40:49,794
POLITICAL OPPONENTS, HE CAN NAME
906
00:40:49,861 --> 00:40:51,128
ALL THREE BRANCHES OF
907
00:40:51,195 --> 00:40:53,661
GOVERNMENT.
908
00:40:57,628 --> 00:40:59,295
HE IS WITHIN THE NORMAL
909
00:40:59,362 --> 00:41:02,561
PARAMETERS OF REPUBLICAN OFFAL.
910
00:41:02,628 --> 00:41:06,362
HE IS NOT THE HEAD OF A CRIME
911
00:41:06,428 --> 00:41:07,794
FAMILY, HE DOES NOT SEE THINGS
912
00:41:07,861 --> 00:41:08,728
THAT DON'T EXIST IF YOU DON'T
913
00:41:08,794 --> 00:41:12,661
COUNT JESUS.
914
00:41:13,861 --> 00:41:14,761
HE DOESN'T WANT TO DESTROY
915
00:41:14,828 --> 00:41:18,528
GOVERNMENT FROM WITHIN.
916
00:41:18,594 --> 00:41:22,761
SCOTT PRUITT WAS ESSENTIALLY THE
917
00:41:22,828 --> 00:41:23,561
HEAD OF THE POLLUTION PROTECTION
918
00:41:23,628 --> 00:41:26,061
AGENCY.
919
00:41:28,895 --> 00:41:29,861
BESIDES BEING THE GREATEST SCAM
920
00:41:29,928 --> 00:41:34,061
ARTIST I HAVE EVER SEEN, I
921
00:41:34,128 --> 00:41:35,728
REALLY THINK SCOTT PRUITT MIGHT
922
00:41:35,794 --> 00:41:37,728
BE THREE RACCOONS UNDER A
923
00:41:37,794 --> 00:41:39,661
TRENCHCOAT.
924
00:41:40,262 --> 00:41:45,528
IT MIGHT NOT EVEN BE A HUMAN.
925
00:41:45,594 --> 00:41:49,262
BESIDES THAT, HE WAS A COAL
926
00:41:49,328 --> 00:41:50,495
LOBBYIST AS THE HEAD OF THE EPA,
927
00:41:50,561 --> 00:41:52,661
THE ATTORNEY GENERAL IS A
928
00:41:52,728 --> 00:41:57,061
CONFEDERATE SOLDIER.
929
00:42:02,961 --> 00:42:05,028
THE SECRETARY OF EDUCATION IS
930
00:42:05,095 --> 00:42:08,295
MENTALLY CHALLENGED.
931
00:42:16,861 --> 00:42:19,328
RICK PERRY --
932
00:42:21,928 --> 00:42:22,995
TEXAS PEOPLE, YOU'RE VERY PROUD,
933
00:42:23,061 --> 00:42:26,095
I CAN SEE.
934
00:42:26,161 --> 00:42:27,462
RICK PERRY RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN
935
00:42:27,528 --> 00:42:30,995
2012 ON A PLATFORM OF HE WANTED
936
00:42:31,061 --> 00:42:31,895
TO ELIMINATE THREE GOVERNMENT
937
00:42:31,961 --> 00:42:34,061
DEPARTMENTS OF WHICH HE COULD
938
00:42:34,128 --> 00:42:35,628
NAME TWO.
939
00:42:35,694 --> 00:42:37,128
I DON'T THINK HE GETS THE CREDIT
940
00:42:37,195 --> 00:42:40,428
HE DESERVES FOR BEING ABLE TO
941
00:42:40,495 --> 00:42:43,661
NAME ALMOST 67% OF THE
942
00:42:43,728 --> 00:42:45,028
DEPARTMENTS HE HIMSELF WANTED TO
943
00:42:45,095 --> 00:42:46,061
ELIMINATE.
944
00:42:46,128 --> 00:42:47,594
THE ONE HE COULD NOT REMEMBER?
945
00:42:47,661 --> 00:42:49,095
WAS THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY
946
00:42:49,161 --> 00:42:52,794
WHICH HE IS NOW THE HEAD OF.
947
00:42:52,861 --> 00:42:55,861
THAT IS SOME PERFORMANCE ART.
948
00:42:55,928 --> 00:42:57,362
THAT IS A SKIP PAST TROLLING,
949
00:42:57,428 --> 00:43:00,028
THAT IS PERFORMANCE ART.
950
00:43:00,095 --> 00:43:03,061
WHEN HE TOOK THE JOB, HE DID NOT
951
00:43:03,128 --> 00:43:03,628
KNOW WHAT THE DEPARTMENT OF
952
00:43:03,694 --> 00:43:04,228
ENERGY DID.
953
00:43:04,295 --> 00:43:06,495
IT'S IN CHARGE OF THE NUCLEAR
954
00:43:06,561 --> 00:43:08,528
WEAPONS, HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
955
00:43:08,594 --> 00:43:10,228
THAT'S WHY OBAMA'S SECRETARY OF
956
00:43:10,295 --> 00:43:11,362
ENERGY IT WAS A NOBEL
957
00:43:11,428 --> 00:43:12,528
PRIZE-WINNING PHYSICIST.
958
00:43:12,594 --> 00:43:13,794
RICK PERRY?
959
00:43:13,861 --> 00:43:17,594
THIS IS NOT A JOKE, RICK PERRY
960
00:43:17,661 --> 00:43:22,628
HAS A BA AND ANIMAL HUSBANDRY.
961
00:43:22,694 --> 00:43:23,228
REALLY, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A
962
00:43:23,295 --> 00:43:25,828
CENTRIFUGE IS.
963
00:43:25,895 --> 00:43:28,462
BUT HE CAN JERK OFF A HORSE.
964
00:43:31,228 --> 00:43:31,928
REALLY?
965
00:43:31,995 --> 00:43:35,161
THAT GUY?
966
00:43:35,228 --> 00:43:38,728
WHAT CAN I SAY?
967
00:43:38,794 --> 00:43:41,828
DEMOCRATS, WE'VE JUST GOT TO WIN
968
00:43:41,895 --> 00:43:41,995
WIN.
969
00:43:42,061 --> 00:43:44,462
WE CAN'T BLOW ANYMORE ELECTIONS.
970
00:43:47,195 --> 00:43:49,628
NEXT TIME A LITTLE MORE ABOUT
971
00:43:49,694 --> 00:43:51,462
WERE GOING TO BRING YOUR JOBS
972
00:43:51,528 --> 00:43:52,228
BACK AND A LITTLE LESS ABOUT
973
00:43:52,295 --> 00:43:56,328
WERE GOING TO MAKE YOU PEE NEXT
974
00:43:56,395 --> 00:43:59,561
TO A GUY IN A DRESS, NOT THAT I
975
00:43:59,628 --> 00:44:04,228
CARE.
976
00:44:04,295 --> 00:44:04,895
I'M TOTALLY ON THE PAGE WITH THE
977
00:44:04,961 --> 00:44:05,462
TRANSGENDER, I DOWN WITH YOU
978
00:44:05,528 --> 00:44:05,661
GUYS.
979
00:44:05,728 --> 00:44:07,328
I GET IT, SOMETIMES THE
980
00:44:07,395 --> 00:44:09,362
EQUIPMENT DOESN'T MATCH THE
981
00:44:09,428 --> 00:44:12,728
GENDER.
982
00:44:12,794 --> 00:44:13,262
IT'S COUNTERINTUITIVE BUT
983
00:44:13,328 --> 00:44:13,861
SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT
984
00:44:13,928 --> 00:44:15,395
AND SOMETIMES YOU DON'T.
985
00:44:15,462 --> 00:44:18,628
I GET IT.
986
00:44:18,694 --> 00:44:22,828
BUT I ALSO KNOW NORMAL WOMEN
987
00:44:22,895 --> 00:44:25,895
WHEN I GO TO THE BATHROOM, IT'S
988
00:44:25,961 --> 00:44:27,661
AN INTIMATE PLACE, I WANT TO
989
00:44:27,728 --> 00:44:29,828
KNOW IF THERE'S A PENIS ON DECK.
990
00:44:29,895 --> 00:44:30,961
I'M TALKING ABOUT WOMEN WITH
991
00:44:31,028 --> 00:44:34,362
VAGINAS, OLD SCHOOL.
992
00:44:34,428 --> 00:44:38,228
WOMEN CLASSIC, I CALL THEM.
993
00:44:39,095 --> 00:44:40,861
IF ANY OF YOU LADIES STILL HAVE
994
00:44:40,928 --> 00:44:43,895
YOUR ORIGINAL VAGINAS, HANG ONTO
995
00:44:43,961 --> 00:44:46,328
THOSE THINGS, THEY ARE GOING TO
996
00:44:46,395 --> 00:44:49,028
BE VALUABLE SOMEDAY.
997
00:44:49,095 --> 00:44:50,028
HANG ONTO ANYTHING LONG ENOUGH
998
00:44:50,095 --> 00:44:56,061
AND IT WILL COME BACK IN STYLE.
999
00:44:56,128 --> 00:44:58,128
TRUMP WON THAT ELECTION ON JOBS,
1000
00:44:58,195 --> 00:44:58,761
OF COURSE HE WAS LYING BECAUSE
1001
00:44:58,828 --> 00:45:04,262
HIS MOUTH WAS MOVING AND THERE
1002
00:45:04,328 --> 00:45:07,628
WASN'T MEAT IN IT.
1003
00:45:07,694 --> 00:45:09,161
THAT WAS THE WHOLE THING,
1004
00:45:09,228 --> 00:45:12,428
MEXICANS ARE STEALING YOUR JOB.
1005
00:45:12,495 --> 00:45:14,794
MEXICANS ARE NOT STEALING YOUR
1006
00:45:14,861 --> 00:45:16,128
JOBS, ROBOTS ARE STEALING YOUR
1007
00:45:16,195 --> 00:45:16,328
JOBS.
1008
00:45:18,262 --> 00:45:23,028
AND IF THEY EVER COME UP WITH A
1009
00:45:23,095 --> 00:45:24,761
MEXICAN ROBOT, WE ARE REALLY
1010
00:45:24,828 --> 00:45:27,262
FUCKED.
1011
00:45:29,895 --> 00:45:31,661
WHOEVER TOLD THESE "REAL
1012
00:45:31,728 --> 00:45:33,428
AMERICANS" THAT THE GOVERNMENT
1013
00:45:33,495 --> 00:45:35,195
WAS AN EMPLOYMENT AGENCY ANYWAY?
1014
00:45:35,262 --> 00:45:38,428
THERE'S NO MORE GIGS FOR LIFE.
1015
00:45:38,495 --> 00:45:40,028
THOSE DAYS ARE OVER.
1016
00:45:40,095 --> 00:45:48,961
THE ONLY GIGS FOR LIFE, POPE, 6A
1017
00:45:49,028 --> 00:45:51,195
FLIGHT ATTENDANT ON ANY MAJOR
1018
00:45:51,262 --> 00:45:51,961
AIRLINE.
1019
00:45:52,028 --> 00:45:54,428
THOSE GIRLS ARE OLD.
1020
00:45:54,495 --> 00:46:00,428
THEY CALL ME SUNNY.
1021
00:46:00,495 --> 00:46:01,895
THERE IS SOME SENIORITY SYSTEM
1022
00:46:01,961 --> 00:46:03,228
GOING ON THAT UNITED AIRLINES,
1023
00:46:03,295 --> 00:46:05,594
I'M ALWAYS LIKE CAN I GET A HOT
1024
00:46:05,661 --> 00:46:07,328
TOWEL WHEN YOU WAKE UP FROM YOUR
1025
00:46:07,395 --> 00:46:07,495
NAP?
1026
00:46:07,561 --> 00:46:15,028
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
1027
00:46:16,395 --> 00:46:21,328
IN MY VIEW, AMERICA DOESN'T EVEN
1028
00:46:21,395 --> 00:46:22,428
HAVE THE ISSUE WE SPENT SO MUCH
1029
00:46:22,495 --> 00:46:23,828
TIME ON, WE DON'T EVEN HAVE AN
1030
00:46:23,895 --> 00:46:26,395
IMMIGRATION PROBLEM.
1031
00:46:26,462 --> 00:46:28,028
WE HAVE A "MY LIFE DIDN'T TURN
1032
00:46:28,095 --> 00:46:30,295
OUT THE WAY I WANT IT TO SO I
1033
00:46:30,362 --> 00:46:33,895
BLAME OTHER PEOPLE" PROBLEM.
1034
00:46:33,961 --> 00:46:42,428
THAT WE HAVE.
1035
00:46:42,495 --> 00:46:44,428
THE GREATEST CON THE REPUBLICANS
1036
00:46:44,495 --> 00:46:46,028
EVER PULLED ON WORKING-CLASS
1037
00:46:46,095 --> 00:46:47,228
AMERICANS WAS CONVINCING THEM
1038
00:46:47,295 --> 00:46:47,995
THAT IT WAS THE IMMIGRANTS AND
1039
00:46:48,061 --> 00:46:51,362
THE SINGLE MOM WHO ARE BLOCKING
1040
00:46:51,428 --> 00:46:55,228
THEIR WAY TO THE AMERICAN DREAM.
1041
00:46:55,295 --> 00:46:56,028
REMEMBER THE TAKERS?
1042
00:46:56,095 --> 00:46:57,661
THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T PAY ANY
1043
00:46:57,728 --> 00:46:58,328
INCOME TAX, THAT'S WHO HAS ALL
1044
00:46:58,395 --> 00:47:02,328
THE MONEY, THE PEOPLE WITH NO
1045
00:47:02,395 --> 00:47:04,861
MONEY!
1046
00:47:05,761 --> 00:47:07,628
THE PEOPLE WHO USE THEIR FOOD
1047
00:47:07,694 --> 00:47:09,428
STAMPS TO BUY DRUGS, I LOVE THAT
1048
00:47:09,495 --> 00:47:11,428
ONE, THAT ALWAYS MAKES ME LAUGH
1049
00:47:11,495 --> 00:47:12,628
BECAUSE I KNOW THAT ONE FROM
1050
00:47:12,694 --> 00:47:14,528
BOTH SIDES.
1051
00:47:14,594 --> 00:47:17,428
I HAVE BEEN POOR AND I HAVE BEEN
1052
00:47:17,495 --> 00:47:21,528
A DRUG DEALER.
1053
00:47:21,594 --> 00:47:26,028
WE DON'T TAKE FOOD STAMPS.
1054
00:47:26,095 --> 00:47:28,628
WE DON'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT,
1055
00:47:28,694 --> 00:47:29,228
THAT'S JUST OUR POLICY AND I
1056
00:47:29,295 --> 00:47:36,395
DON'T THINK IT'S CHANGED.
1057
00:47:36,462 --> 00:47:38,495
AMERICA AS YOU WELL KNOW HAS
1058
00:47:38,561 --> 00:47:39,495
ZERO TOLERANCE FOR DRUGS AND
1059
00:47:39,561 --> 00:47:41,995
INFINITY TOLERANCE FOR GUNS.
1060
00:47:42,061 --> 00:47:45,228
I KNOW I'M IN OKLAHOMA SO I'M
1061
00:47:45,295 --> 00:47:46,395
GOING TO COVER MYSELF RIGHT
1062
00:47:46,462 --> 00:47:49,694
AWAY, AND SAY I AM A GUN OWNER,
1063
00:47:49,761 --> 00:47:53,694
I'M JUST NOT A GUN LOVER.
1064
00:47:53,761 --> 00:47:56,095
OKAY?
1065
00:47:58,694 --> 00:48:00,928
I DON'T TAKE PICTURES WITH IT, I
1066
00:48:00,995 --> 00:48:01,628
DON'T POLISH IT.
1067
00:48:01,694 --> 00:48:04,828
I DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR WITH IT.
1068
00:48:04,895 --> 00:48:08,295
I DON'T TAKE IT ON DATES TO
1069
00:48:08,362 --> 00:48:09,028
CHIPOTLE.
1070
00:48:09,095 --> 00:48:10,228
COME ON, HONEY, I'M GOING TO
1071
00:48:10,295 --> 00:48:13,028
SHOW YOU OFF TO THE FELLAS AT
1072
00:48:13,095 --> 00:48:16,295
HOME DEPOT.
1073
00:48:17,895 --> 00:48:19,395
THAT'S ONE OF THE BIG PROBLEMS
1074
00:48:19,462 --> 00:48:20,395
IS PSYCHOLOGICAL WITH GUNS.
1075
00:48:20,462 --> 00:48:22,794
WE LOVE THEM TOO MUCH.
1076
00:48:22,861 --> 00:48:26,128
EVERY YEAR, SOMEBODY -- THEY
1077
00:48:26,195 --> 00:48:27,661
KEEP A REGISTRY OF THE NAMES
1078
00:48:27,728 --> 00:48:29,828
THAT PARENTS ARE GIVING THEIR
1079
00:48:29,895 --> 00:48:31,395
NEWBORNS AND IN THE LAST FIVE
1080
00:48:31,462 --> 00:48:33,462
YEARS, PARENTS HAVE BEEN NAMING
1081
00:48:33,528 --> 00:48:34,928
KIDS GUN NAMES.
1082
00:48:34,995 --> 00:48:38,594
THEY'VE BEEN NAMING KIDS THINGS
1083
00:48:38,661 --> 00:48:41,395
LIKE PISTOL, SHOOTER, MAGNUM,
1084
00:48:41,462 --> 00:48:43,828
REMINGTON -- THIS IS SICK,
1085
00:48:43,895 --> 00:48:47,828
LIBERALS DON'T DO THIS, LIBERALS
1086
00:48:47,895 --> 00:48:49,828
DON'T NAME THEIR KIDS PREVIOUS
1087
00:48:49,895 --> 00:48:55,228
AND JUICER.
1088
00:48:55,295 --> 00:48:59,628
YOU KNOW MY BOY KALE, DON'T YOU?
1089
00:48:59,694 --> 00:49:07,794
HE'S A STRAPPING YOUNG LAD.
1090
00:49:07,861 --> 00:49:08,761
BUT HONESTLY WE DON'T EVER HAVE
1091
00:49:08,828 --> 00:49:10,628
A LOT OF MOVEMENT ON THE GUN
1092
00:49:10,694 --> 00:49:12,828
ISSUE BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE AN
1093
00:49:12,895 --> 00:49:13,628
ANTIGUN PARTY WE HAVE
1094
00:49:13,694 --> 00:49:15,195
REPUBLICANS WHO LOVE GUNS AND
1095
00:49:15,262 --> 00:49:17,195
DEMOCRATS LOVE THEM SLIGHTLY
1096
00:49:17,262 --> 00:49:18,395
LESS.
1097
00:49:18,462 --> 00:49:19,061
EVERY DEBATE BEGINS WITH AT
1098
00:49:19,128 --> 00:49:20,428
LEAST WE CAN ALL AGREE WE NEED
1099
00:49:20,495 --> 00:49:21,561
SOME GUNS TO GO OUT IN THE WOODS
1100
00:49:21,628 --> 00:49:24,528
AND MORTAR ANIMALS.
1101
00:49:24,594 --> 00:49:26,828
BECAUSE WE ARE SPORTSMEN.
1102
00:49:26,895 --> 00:49:27,061
ARE YOU?
1103
00:49:27,128 --> 00:49:28,362
ARE YOU REALLY?
1104
00:49:28,428 --> 00:49:31,694
IS IT A SPORT IF ONE TEAM
1105
00:49:31,761 --> 00:49:33,895
DOESN'T KNOW THE GAME IS GOING
1106
00:49:33,961 --> 00:49:36,462
ON?
1107
00:49:36,995 --> 00:49:45,928
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S A SPORT.
1108
00:49:45,995 --> 00:49:49,195
YOU SAW THAT ASSHOLE WITH A
1109
00:49:49,262 --> 00:49:50,828
GIRAFFE A COUPLE DAYS AGO, DID
1110
00:49:50,895 --> 00:49:54,228
YOU WANT TO STRANGLE HER?
1111
00:49:54,295 --> 00:49:55,528
THESE AFRICAN COUNTRIES, THEY
1112
00:49:55,594 --> 00:49:57,561
WILL SELL PERMITS TO GO AND
1113
00:49:57,628 --> 00:49:59,262
SHOOT THESE MAJESTIC ENDANGERED
1114
00:49:59,328 --> 00:50:00,895
BEASTS AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE
1115
00:50:00,961 --> 00:50:01,128
EXCUSES?
1116
00:50:01,195 --> 00:50:02,495
THEY SAY WE ALLOW YOU TO SHOOT
1117
00:50:02,561 --> 00:50:06,128
THESE ANIMALS BUT ONLY THE
1118
00:50:06,195 --> 00:50:09,928
OLDER, NONREADING MALES.
1119
00:50:09,995 --> 00:50:13,794
I TAKE THIS VERY PERSONALLY.
1120
00:50:14,128 --> 00:50:15,628
I DON'T THINK THIS IS A SLIPPERY
1121
00:50:15,694 --> 00:50:18,661
SLOPE THAT WE WANT TO GO DOWN.
1122
00:50:18,728 --> 00:50:20,362
I THINK THOSE ARE THE MOST
1123
00:50:20,428 --> 00:50:22,728
CONTRIBUTING PEOPLE IN SOCIETY
1124
00:50:22,794 --> 00:50:26,195
AND BEYOND THAT I HAVE TO SAY,
1125
00:50:26,262 --> 00:50:30,628
TURNING 60 IS -- WAS HARD ENOUGH
1126
00:50:30,694 --> 00:50:31,028
ENOUGH.
1127
00:50:31,095 --> 00:50:32,262
FIRST OF ALL WHEN I'M DRIVING TO
1128
00:50:32,328 --> 00:50:35,895
WORK AND I'M LOOKING FOR IT NOW,
1129
00:50:35,961 --> 00:50:38,594
I NEVER SEE PEOPLE MY AGE OUT.
1130
00:50:38,661 --> 00:50:40,628
IS THAT GUY?
1131
00:50:40,694 --> 00:50:41,328
NO.
1132
00:50:41,395 --> 00:50:49,561
WERE THEY ALL RAPTURE?
1133
00:50:49,628 --> 00:50:51,428
WERE ALLOWED TO BE OUT AT 60.
1134
00:50:51,495 --> 00:50:54,428
THE ONLY PLACE I SEE PEOPLE MY
1135
00:50:54,495 --> 00:50:58,028
AGE ARE IN CIALIS COMMERCIALS.
1136
00:50:58,095 --> 00:50:59,095
WHICH I THINK ARE VERY OBNOXIOUS
1137
00:50:59,161 --> 00:51:02,395
BECAUSE IT'S ALL THIS PRESSURE.
1138
00:51:02,462 --> 00:51:05,561
WILL YOU BE READY?
1139
00:51:05,628 --> 00:51:10,628
"WILL BE READY?
1140
00:51:10,694 --> 00:51:11,928
POST QUOTE NO WONDER GUYS HAVE
1141
00:51:11,995 --> 00:51:17,561
HEART ATTACKS AT 49, THEY HAVE
1142
00:51:17,628 --> 00:51:21,161
TO WORRY IF THE RAPTURE COMES,
1143
00:51:21,228 --> 00:51:22,262
THEY HAVE TO WORRY IF I HAVE A
1144
00:51:22,328 --> 00:51:23,462
HARD ON.
1145
00:51:23,528 --> 00:51:24,794
IF ONE OF THE RAPTURE COMES
1146
00:51:24,861 --> 00:51:26,428
WHILE I'M FUCKING YOU?
1147
00:51:26,495 --> 00:51:29,161
THEY WILL NEVER TAKE ME IF I'M
1148
00:51:29,228 --> 00:51:32,961
BALLS DEEP IN YOU.
1149
00:51:33,028 --> 00:51:38,395
THAT SMARMY VOICE OVER, ONE LOOK
1150
00:51:38,462 --> 00:51:39,095
CAN TURN THE ORDINARY INTO
1151
00:51:39,161 --> 00:51:42,028
SOMETHING MORE.
1152
00:51:42,095 --> 00:51:43,528
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF
1153
00:51:43,594 --> 00:51:47,594
MARRIAGE, ONE LOOK?
1154
00:51:48,095 --> 00:51:51,594
YES, SO BE READY, HAVE WOULD TO,
1155
00:51:51,661 --> 00:51:53,395
OKAY.
1156
00:51:53,462 --> 00:51:55,628
TAKE THE FOUR OUR PILL, NOW THEY
1157
00:51:55,694 --> 00:51:57,594
HAVE VIAGRA FOR EVERYDAY USE.
1158
00:51:57,661 --> 00:51:59,861
JUST KEEP IT HARD, SHE WILL LET
1159
00:51:59,928 --> 00:52:02,362
YOU KNOW, SHE WILL GIVE YOU THE
1160
00:52:02,428 --> 00:52:04,961
LOOK.
1161
00:52:05,028 --> 00:52:06,961
YOU CAN SEE THIS IN THE
1162
00:52:07,028 --> 00:52:07,895
COMMERCIAL BECAUSE THEY NEVER
1163
00:52:07,961 --> 00:52:14,794
JUST GET RIGHT TO BONING, THEY
1164
00:52:14,861 --> 00:52:15,362
DO STROLLING AND SON EGG AND
1165
00:52:15,428 --> 00:52:16,561
SHOPPING AND CANOODLING.
1166
00:52:16,628 --> 00:52:21,995
IS IT THIS MUCH WORK TO FUCK
1167
00:52:22,061 --> 00:52:22,594
YOUR OWN WIFE?
1168
00:52:22,661 --> 00:52:23,528
I'M SORRY I NEVER GOT ON BOARD
1169
00:52:23,594 --> 00:52:26,195
WITH THAT.
1170
00:52:26,262 --> 00:52:28,395
I SWEAR TO GOD THAT THERE'S ONE
1171
00:52:28,462 --> 00:52:31,594
WHERE THE COUPLE IS PUTTING THE
1172
00:52:31,661 --> 00:52:33,728
FINISHING TOUCHES ON A BIRDHOUSE
1173
00:52:33,794 --> 00:52:36,794
TOGETHER.
1174
00:52:39,128 --> 00:52:42,628
THERE LIKE "OH, IT'S ON."
1175
00:52:42,694 --> 00:52:45,161
AS SOON AS WE FINISH THIS
1176
00:52:45,228 --> 00:52:48,228
BIRDHOUSE.
1177
00:52:48,295 --> 00:52:49,728
I THINK I JUST GOT -- IS THAT
1178
00:52:49,794 --> 00:52:53,028
NOT THE LOOK?
1179
00:52:53,095 --> 00:52:54,928
I'M GONNA FUCK THE WHOLE IN THIS
1180
00:52:54,995 --> 00:53:03,928
BIRDHOUSE IN A MINUTE.
1181
00:53:03,995 --> 00:53:06,028
I AM NOT AGAINST MARRIAGE, I
1182
00:53:06,095 --> 00:53:08,195
HAVE NOT.
1183
00:53:08,262 --> 00:53:09,561
I'M AGAINST MARRIAGE FOR ME BUT
1184
00:53:09,628 --> 00:53:12,428
THIS IS A VERY PERSONAL ISSUE, I
1185
00:53:12,495 --> 00:53:13,228
GET IT.
1186
00:53:13,295 --> 00:53:14,694
SOME PEOPLE WOULD BE LOST
1187
00:53:14,761 --> 00:53:15,828
WITHOUT THEIR SPOUSE, I KNOW
1188
00:53:15,895 --> 00:53:16,661
GUYS WHO HATE IT WHEN THEIR WIFE
1189
00:53:16,728 --> 00:53:19,161
IS OUT OF TOWN.
1190
00:53:19,228 --> 00:53:21,794
ONE GUY, OKAY.
1191
00:53:21,861 --> 00:53:23,861
YOU HAD TO BUST ME ON THAT SO
1192
00:53:23,928 --> 00:53:24,561
QUICKLY?
1193
00:53:24,628 --> 00:53:26,895
ONE GUY, BUT HE'S SINCERE ABOUT
1194
00:53:26,961 --> 00:53:29,828
IT.
1195
00:53:30,161 --> 00:53:34,362
THERE IS THIS MEME, IS THIS A
1196
00:53:34,428 --> 00:53:34,561
MEAN?
1197
00:53:34,628 --> 00:53:38,262
I THINK THIS IS A MEAN, HAPPY
1198
00:53:38,328 --> 00:53:41,794
WIFE, HAPPY LIFE.
1199
00:53:41,861 --> 00:53:42,594
IT SOUNDS SO SWEET BUT IT'S
1200
00:53:42,661 --> 00:53:44,161
REALLY A THREAT.
1201
00:53:44,228 --> 00:53:48,228
THAT'S A NICE LIFE YOU GOT
1202
00:53:48,295 --> 00:53:48,861
THERE, SHAME IF ANYTHING WERE TO
1203
00:53:48,928 --> 00:53:52,462
HAPPEN TO IT.
1204
00:53:52,528 --> 00:53:53,495
SO I THINK YOU DO WANT TO GO TO
1205
00:53:53,561 --> 00:53:55,128
THE STORE AND PICK UP THOSE
1206
00:53:55,195 --> 00:54:01,928
ITEMS, I THOUGHT YOU DID.
1207
00:54:01,995 --> 00:54:03,995
THE OTHER MARRIAGE CLICHE I
1208
00:54:04,061 --> 00:54:06,395
LOVE, CELEBRITIES LOVE TO SAY
1209
00:54:06,462 --> 00:54:07,895
IT, WHAT'S THE SECRET TO YOUR
1210
00:54:07,961 --> 00:54:08,161
MARRIAGE?
1211
00:54:08,228 --> 00:54:13,328
THE GUY ALWAYS SAYS SHE KEEPS ME
1212
00:54:13,395 --> 00:54:14,961
GROUNDED.
1213
00:54:15,028 --> 00:54:18,295
I WAS DOING ALL OF THIS SOARING,
1214
00:54:18,362 --> 00:54:22,295
LUCKILY I GOT THIS BITCH TO
1215
00:54:22,362 --> 00:54:23,328
REMIND ME THAT I'M NOT ALL THAT,
1216
00:54:23,395 --> 00:54:28,462
SO THAT'S GREAT.
1217
00:54:31,195 --> 00:54:35,561
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW A COUPLE
1218
00:54:35,628 --> 00:54:38,528
YEARS AGO OUR FRIENDS AT PFIZER
1219
00:54:38,594 --> 00:54:40,528
CAME OUT WITH LADY VIAGRA THAT
1220
00:54:40,594 --> 00:54:43,462
WOULD EVEN THINGS OUT WHICH IS
1221
00:54:43,528 --> 00:54:44,594
SILLY ON A NUMBER OF LEVELS.
1222
00:54:44,661 --> 00:54:46,661
FIRST OF ALL, EVEN THINGS OUT,
1223
00:54:46,728 --> 00:54:47,794
WOMEN AS WE ALL KNOW HAVE GOTTEN
1224
00:54:47,861 --> 00:54:52,628
A RAW DEAL THROUGHOUT HISTORY IN
1225
00:54:52,694 --> 00:54:53,161
ALMOST EVERY CIVILIZATION
1226
00:54:53,228 --> 00:54:56,528
INCLUDING UP UNTIL TODAY, THE
1227
00:54:56,594 --> 00:54:59,095
ONE AREA WHERE THEY GOT LUCKY
1228
00:54:59,161 --> 00:55:02,594
AND DON'T NEED EVENING OUT WAS
1229
00:55:02,661 --> 00:55:02,995
SEX.
1230
00:55:03,061 --> 00:55:07,794
MULTIPLE ORGASMS, YOU WIN.
1231
00:55:07,861 --> 00:55:09,628
YOU HAVE A MACHINE GUN, WE HAVE
1232
00:55:09,694 --> 00:55:11,928
A MUSKET.
1233
00:55:18,462 --> 00:55:21,728
DON'T EVEN ASK ABOUT TRYING TO
1234
00:55:21,794 --> 00:55:22,495
RELOAD THAT THING.
1235
00:55:22,828 --> 00:55:28,228
WITH THE POWDER AND THE...
1236
00:55:28,295 --> 00:55:28,995
HAVE THE TIME IT BLOWS UP IN
1237
00:55:29,061 --> 00:55:35,828
YOUR FACE.
1238
00:55:38,462 --> 00:55:39,262
NOT JUST MULTIPLE ORGASMS,
1239
00:55:39,328 --> 00:55:42,395
MULTIPLE ZONES.
1240
00:55:42,462 --> 00:55:43,928
WOMEN HAVE A VAGINA, AND A CLIT,
1241
00:55:43,995 --> 00:55:48,694
AND A G SPOT, THE G SPOT?
1242
00:55:48,761 --> 00:55:51,395
THEY ONLY FOUND IT DID 1985,
1243
00:55:51,462 --> 00:55:53,594
THAT'S HOW COMPLICATED WOMEN
1244
00:55:53,661 --> 00:55:54,195
ARE, THEY'RE STILL DISCOVERING
1245
00:55:54,262 --> 00:55:55,794
SHIT IN THE 80s.
1246
00:55:55,861 --> 00:55:59,028
IF THEY CAME TO ME IN 1985 AND
1247
00:55:59,095 --> 00:56:03,561
SAID "WE'VE DETECTED A THIRD
1248
00:56:03,628 --> 00:56:10,828
BALL THAT I THINK...
1249
00:56:10,895 --> 00:56:14,295
"I'M SURE WHEN I WAS TAKING OFF
1250
00:56:14,362 --> 00:56:14,928
THAT LIST OF EROGENOUS ZONES I'M
1251
00:56:14,995 --> 00:56:15,528
SURE AT LEAST SOME OF YOU OUT
1252
00:56:15,594 --> 00:56:17,495
THERE WERE SAYING COME ON, WHAT
1253
00:56:17,561 --> 00:56:20,728
ABOUT THE ASSHOLE?
1254
00:56:20,794 --> 00:56:24,628
WE TALKED ABOUT HIM THE WHOLE
1255
00:56:24,694 --> 00:56:27,995
FIRST HALF OF THE SHOW.
1256
00:56:29,061 --> 00:56:31,228
IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU,
1257
00:56:31,295 --> 00:56:31,594
DONALD TRUMP.
1258
00:56:31,661 --> 00:56:34,995
THIS IS ABOUT ME.
1259
00:56:35,061 --> 00:56:37,794
I MUST SAY, I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS
1260
00:56:37,861 --> 00:56:38,195
AGE.
1261
00:56:38,262 --> 00:56:39,628
FIRST OF ALL, I THOUGHT WHEN YOU
1262
00:56:39,694 --> 00:56:41,895
GOT TO THIS AGE IT WAS ALL ABOUT
1263
00:56:41,961 --> 00:56:42,328
A BUCKET LIST.
1264
00:56:42,395 --> 00:56:44,761
I HAVE NO BUCKET LIST.
1265
00:56:44,828 --> 00:56:47,628
NOT THAT I'VE DONE ANYTHING,
1266
00:56:47,694 --> 00:56:48,262
I'VE DONE A LOT OF THIS BECAUSE
1267
00:56:48,328 --> 00:56:51,794
I LIKE THIS.
1268
00:56:51,861 --> 00:56:52,995
ANYTHING I HAVEN'T DONE, I COULD
1269
00:56:53,061 --> 00:56:57,594
GIVE A FUCK.
1270
00:56:58,462 --> 00:57:03,195
I NEVER WENT SKIING, GOOD.
1271
00:57:03,262 --> 00:57:04,395
IT'S COLD AND I DIDN'T DIE ON
1272
00:57:04,462 --> 00:57:07,828
THE TREE, FANTASTIC.
1273
00:57:07,895 --> 00:57:09,828
I NEVER TOOK A DANGEROUS
1274
00:57:09,895 --> 00:57:10,694
VACATION TO SOME DUSTY PLACE
1275
00:57:10,761 --> 00:57:11,895
WHERE PEOPLE COULD TAKE A
1276
00:57:11,961 --> 00:57:16,328
CHICKEN ON A BUS, GOOD.
1277
00:57:16,395 --> 00:57:24,628
I'VE NEVER SEEN BREAKING BAD.
1278
00:57:25,995 --> 00:57:32,362
BUT I'M OTHERWISE A GOOD PERSON.
1279
00:57:32,428 --> 00:57:34,628
ALSO, I HAVE NEVER TO THE BEST
1280
00:57:34,694 --> 00:57:36,761
OF MY KNOWLEDGE I HAVE NEVER
1281
00:57:36,828 --> 00:57:39,228
FUCKED A REPUBLICAN.
1282
00:57:39,295 --> 00:57:42,661
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE.
1283
00:57:44,661 --> 00:57:46,395
I DON'T MIND FUCKING YOUR BRAINS
1284
00:57:46,462 --> 00:57:48,328
OUT, I'M NOT GOING TO FUCK THEM
1285
00:57:48,395 --> 00:57:50,828
IN.
1286
00:57:52,895 --> 00:57:54,628
OF COURSE, THE BIG ONE, I NEVER
1287
00:57:54,694 --> 00:57:58,328
HAD CHILDREN, THAT'S A PERSONAL
1288
00:57:58,395 --> 00:57:59,995
CHOICE.
1289
00:58:00,061 --> 00:58:01,061
IT'S PERSONAL, THERE IS NO MORAL
1290
00:58:01,128 --> 00:58:06,228
DIMENSION TO IT, ICED, I GET IT,
1291
00:58:06,295 --> 00:58:07,794
PEOPLE STILL LIKE CHILDREN
1292
00:58:07,861 --> 00:58:09,195
THEY ARE VERY POPULAR.
1293
00:58:09,262 --> 00:58:10,295
JUST DON'T DEPUTIZE ME IN YOUR
1294
00:58:10,362 --> 00:58:13,395
BATTLE WITH PARENTING.
1295
00:58:14,061 --> 00:58:16,395
IF I DO A DRUG JOKE I DON'T WANT
1296
00:58:16,462 --> 00:58:17,728
TO GIVE MESSAGES FROM PEOPLE
1297
00:58:17,794 --> 00:58:20,161
YOU'RE GIVING A BAD MESSAGE TO
1298
00:58:20,228 --> 00:58:21,794
CHILDREN.
1299
00:58:21,861 --> 00:58:26,228
FIRST OF ALL, FUCK CHILDREN.
1300
00:58:26,295 --> 00:58:28,195
WE DIDN'T USE TO ORGANIZE OUR
1301
00:58:28,262 --> 00:58:30,428
LIVES ON WHAT CHILDREN MIGHT GET
1302
00:58:30,495 --> 00:58:30,961
INTO.
1303
00:58:31,028 --> 00:58:33,961
I FULLY ENDORSE YOU KEEPING ME
1304
00:58:34,028 --> 00:58:35,161
AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
1305
00:58:35,228 --> 00:58:36,761
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SMARTER
1306
00:58:36,828 --> 00:58:38,961
THAN THEM, KEEP YOUR GUNS AND/OR
1307
00:58:39,028 --> 00:58:40,694
DRUGS AND YOUR SEX TOYS AND BILL
1308
00:58:40,761 --> 00:58:46,861
MAHER AWAY FROM YOUR CHILDREN.
1309
00:58:50,694 --> 00:58:52,794
I HAVE SET UP MY LIFE IN SUCH A
1310
00:58:52,861 --> 00:58:54,794
WAY THAT I NEVER HAVE TO TALK TO
1311
00:58:54,861 --> 00:58:57,428
OR IN ANY WAY INTERACT WITH A
1312
00:58:57,495 --> 00:59:00,028
CHILD.
1313
00:59:03,694 --> 00:59:04,262
BUT WHAT I OCCASIONALLY SEE OF
1314
00:59:04,328 --> 00:59:07,161
IT LOOKS LIKE A NIGHTMARE.
1315
00:59:07,228 --> 00:59:08,995
WHERE DID PARENTS GET THIS IDEA
1316
00:59:09,061 --> 00:59:09,728
THEY HAVE TO NEGOTIATE WITH
1317
00:59:09,794 --> 00:59:11,128
THEIR KIDS ABOUT EVERYTHING?
1318
00:59:11,195 --> 00:59:19,628
I ALWAYS SEE "HEY BUDDY."
1319
00:59:19,694 --> 00:59:20,262
YOU'RE READY TO GO?
1320
00:59:20,328 --> 00:59:31,594
HOW ABOUT TO GET IN FUCKING CAR?
1321
00:59:31,661 --> 00:59:34,195
ALSO, EVERY PARENT I KNOW IS
1322
00:59:34,262 --> 00:59:36,928
ALWAYS SICK, SNIFFLING, COLD,
1323
00:59:36,995 --> 00:59:40,328
FLU, YEAH, BECAUSE OF KIDS.
1324
00:59:40,395 --> 00:59:43,128
THEY BRING DISEASE, THEY BRING
1325
00:59:43,195 --> 00:59:47,895
DRUGS, THEIR RAPISTS, AND SOME I
1326
00:59:47,961 --> 00:59:51,395
ASSUME ARE GOOD PEOPLE.
1327
00:59:55,428 --> 00:59:57,594
I WAS A FREE RANGE CHILD.
1328
00:59:57,661 --> 01:00:01,395
WE GREW UP ON TAP WATER,
1329
01:00:01,462 --> 01:00:08,528
BALONEY, AND RED DYE NUMBER TWO
1330
01:00:08,594 --> 01:00:09,161
SEAT BELTS WERE COMPLETELY
1331
01:00:09,228 --> 01:00:11,528
OPTIONAL, HELMETS, LET'S SAY THE
1332
01:00:11,594 --> 01:00:13,462
KIDS WHO WORE HELMETS WENT TO A
1333
01:00:13,528 --> 01:00:17,295
DIFFERENT SCHOOL.
1334
01:00:17,362 --> 01:00:22,328
AND I AM SO GLAD FOR MY "LEAVE
1335
01:00:22,395 --> 01:00:22,861
IT TO BEAVER" UPBRINGING.
1336
01:00:22,928 --> 01:00:24,462
I'M GLAD WHEN I WAS A KID THERE
1337
01:00:24,528 --> 01:00:27,995
WAS NO PORN ON THE PHONE.
1338
01:00:28,061 --> 01:00:29,495
NO WONDER THE KIDS ARE FUCKED
1339
01:00:29,561 --> 01:00:29,661
UP.
1340
01:00:29,728 --> 01:00:32,028
ALL OF MY FORMATIVE YEARS, ALL
1341
01:00:32,095 --> 01:00:39,128
OF THE MASTURBATION TOOK PLACE
1342
01:00:39,195 --> 01:00:39,928
WITHOUT ANY VISUAL AID
1343
01:00:39,995 --> 01:00:40,328
WHATSOEVER.
1344
01:00:40,395 --> 01:00:44,128
I HAD I DREAM OF JEANNIE ONCE A
1345
01:00:44,195 --> 01:00:46,794
WEEK AND A LITTLE ADDED MY
1346
01:00:46,861 --> 01:00:48,228
SISTER'S TEEN BEAT MAGAZINE TO
1347
01:00:48,295 --> 01:00:50,995
INCREASE YOUR BUST SIZE, ALL OF
1348
01:00:51,061 --> 01:00:54,462
MY EARLY WHACK --
1349
01:00:54,528 --> 01:00:57,095
I DID IT AGAIN.
1350
01:01:06,594 --> 01:01:07,195
ALL OF MY EARLY WHACK AND WAS IN
1351
01:01:07,262 --> 01:01:07,828
THE DARK UNDER THE COVERS IN MY
1352
01:01:07,895 --> 01:01:08,028
MIND.
1353
01:01:08,095 --> 01:01:08,895
SCENARIOS, IMAGES, MEMORIES,
1354
01:01:08,961 --> 01:01:11,495
THAT'S WHAT MADE ME THE MAN I AM
1355
01:01:11,561 --> 01:01:14,728
TODAY.
1356
01:01:14,794 --> 01:01:15,761
I READ ALL OF THESE REVELATIONS
1357
01:01:15,828 --> 01:01:17,794
THAT COME OUT FROM THE #MeToo
1358
01:01:17,861 --> 01:01:20,728
STUFF AND I'M LIKE I MUST HAVE
1359
01:01:20,794 --> 01:01:23,128
GROWN UP IN THE LAND THAT TIME
1360
01:01:23,195 --> 01:01:24,761
FORGOT.
1361
01:01:24,828 --> 01:01:26,195
EVEN IN MY FANTASIES I SWEAR TO
1362
01:01:26,262 --> 01:01:28,694
GOD, THERE'S NO WEIRDNESS.
1363
01:01:28,761 --> 01:01:31,061
EVEN IN MY FANTASY, I DON'T WANT
1364
01:01:31,128 --> 01:01:37,928
TO FUCK ANYBODY IN THE ASS.
1365
01:01:37,995 --> 01:01:39,594
THAT'S WHERE THE SHIT COMES OUT,
1366
01:01:39,661 --> 01:01:41,761
ARE YOU PEOPLE NUTS?
1367
01:01:41,828 --> 01:01:43,728
I DON'T WANT TO PLAY IN YOUR
1368
01:01:43,794 --> 01:01:44,995
ASS, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY IN
1369
01:01:45,061 --> 01:01:47,228
YOUR FEET, I DON'T WANT TO COME
1370
01:01:47,295 --> 01:01:47,861
ON YOUR FACE, I DON'T WANT TO
1371
01:01:47,928 --> 01:01:50,061
CHOKE YOU.
1372
01:01:50,128 --> 01:01:53,895
SHE CAN'T BREATHE, SEXY.
1373
01:01:53,961 --> 01:01:54,528
WHAT'S?
1374
01:01:54,594 --> 01:01:55,761
I DON'T WANT TO ROLE-PLAY, I
1375
01:01:55,828 --> 01:01:58,195
DON'T WANT TO DRESS UP AS A
1376
01:01:58,262 --> 01:02:01,262
MONEY.
1377
01:02:01,328 --> 01:02:03,295
DOESN'T ANYBODY JUST FUCK
1378
01:02:03,362 --> 01:02:04,495
ANYMORE?
1379
01:02:04,561 --> 01:02:05,428
I HAVE HAD THE SAME BASIC
1380
01:02:05,528 --> 01:02:08,528
FANTASY SINCE I WAS 11 YEARS
1381
01:02:08,594 --> 01:02:08,694
OLD.
1382
01:02:08,761 --> 01:02:15,528
A SUPER HOT CHICK LOVES ME AND I
1383
01:02:15,594 --> 01:02:18,928
MEAN FUCKING LOVES ME AND MY
1384
01:02:18,995 --> 01:02:21,761
DICK IS LIKE CRACK TO HER, THE
1385
01:02:21,828 --> 01:02:22,462
END.
1386
01:02:22,528 --> 01:02:28,861
THAT'S IT.
1387
01:02:29,195 --> 01:02:32,362
WHEN I LOST MY VIRGINITY AT THE
1388
01:02:32,428 --> 01:02:36,262
AGE OF 16 AND 1972, THEY HAD NOT
1389
01:02:36,328 --> 01:02:40,328
YET INVENTED THE SHAVEN PUSSY.
1390
01:02:40,395 --> 01:02:41,395
I WAS TELLING THIS RECENTLY TO
1391
01:02:41,462 --> 01:02:45,495
THIS MILLENNIAL KID AND IT BLEW
1392
01:02:45,561 --> 01:02:46,628
HIS MIND.
1393
01:02:46,694 --> 01:02:48,728
I SHOULD'VE GIVEN A TRIGGER
1394
01:02:48,794 --> 01:02:50,128
WARNING.
1395
01:02:50,195 --> 01:02:52,228
IT BLEW HIS MIND, HE'S LIKE
1396
01:02:52,295 --> 01:02:53,761
THAT'S AMAZING BECAUSE LOSING
1397
01:02:53,828 --> 01:02:54,328
YOUR VIRGINITY IS CONFUSING
1398
01:02:54,395 --> 01:02:56,694
ENOUGH AS IT IS.
1399
01:02:56,761 --> 01:02:58,761
I WAS LIKE TELL ME ABOUT IT, I
1400
01:02:58,828 --> 01:03:03,228
REMEMBER LOOKING DOWN IT WAS
1401
01:03:03,295 --> 01:03:09,028
LIKE -- IT LOOKED LIKE A BEETLE
1402
01:03:09,095 --> 01:03:11,095
WIG.
1403
01:03:11,594 --> 01:03:12,328
I REMEMBER THINKING I KNOW
1404
01:03:12,395 --> 01:03:17,495
WHAT'S AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.
1405
01:03:17,561 --> 01:03:20,462
THAT'S WHAT I SAY ABOUT AMERICA.
1406
01:03:20,528 --> 01:03:26,594
AND OUR GREATNESS.
1407
01:03:26,661 --> 01:03:27,095
I KNOW IT'S AROUND HERE
1408
01:03:27,161 --> 01:03:27,694
SOMEWHERE AND WE ARE GOING TO
1409
01:03:27,761 --> 01:03:30,528
FIND IT AGAIN.
1410
01:03:30,594 --> 01:03:31,694
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YOU WERE AN
1411
01:03:31,761 --> 01:03:33,895
AMAZING CROWD.
1412
01:03:33,961 --> 01:03:35,661
WERE GOING TO FIND IT AGAIN,
1413
01:03:35,728 --> 01:03:36,995
WERE GOING TO VOTE, WE'RE GOING
1414
01:03:37,061 --> 01:03:39,462
TO FOCUS AND WERE GOING TO STICK
1415
01:03:39,528 --> 01:03:40,495
TOGETHER.
1416
01:03:40,561 --> 01:03:44,828
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU,
1417
01:03:44,895 --> 01:03:47,495
TULSA.
1418
01:03:47,561 --> 01:03:53,362
♪ ♪
1419
01:04:01,528 --> 01:04:09,761
♪ ♪
1420
01:04:15,128 --> 01:04:27,395
♪ ♪
1421
01:04:30,428 --> 01:04:42,628
♪ ♪
1422
01:04:42,694 --> 01:04:43,694
♪ ♪
91690
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