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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,195 --> 00:00:07,761 ♪ ♪ 2 00:00:10,262 --> 00:00:14,694 ♪ ♪ 3 00:00:19,594 --> 00:00:23,528 ♪ ♪ 4 00:00:25,828 --> 00:00:33,462 >> Bill: THANK YOU. 5 00:00:33,528 --> 00:00:37,628 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 6 00:00:39,728 --> 00:00:41,828 THANK YOU. 7 00:00:41,895 --> 00:00:44,428 THANK YOU, FOLKS. 8 00:00:44,495 --> 00:00:48,195 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 9 00:00:49,262 --> 00:00:50,262 THAT IS A WONDERFUL GREETING, I 10 00:00:50,328 --> 00:00:56,395 APPRECIATE THAT. 11 00:00:57,161 --> 00:01:00,028 I KNOW, YOU'RE ON TV. 12 00:01:00,095 --> 00:01:03,295 I WANT YOU TO KNOW, I'M HERE ON 13 00:01:03,362 --> 00:01:04,995 PURPOSE. 14 00:01:05,061 --> 00:01:07,262 ALSO I WANT YOU TO KNOW, WE 15 00:01:07,328 --> 00:01:08,661 ANNOUNCED WE WERE DOING THE SHOW 16 00:01:08,728 --> 00:01:10,728 ONLY THREE WEEKS AGO HERE IN 17 00:01:10,794 --> 00:01:12,161 OKLAHOMA, SINCE THEN, SCOTT 18 00:01:12,228 --> 00:01:16,961 PRUITT GOT CANNED. 19 00:01:21,295 --> 00:01:23,228 AND MEDICAL MARIJUANA GOT 20 00:01:23,295 --> 00:01:25,561 LEGALIZED. 21 00:01:26,095 --> 00:01:29,828 WHAT CAN I SAY? 22 00:01:29,895 --> 00:01:33,262 I DO WHAT I CAN, LADIES AND 23 00:01:33,328 --> 00:01:34,995 GENTLEMEN. 24 00:01:35,061 --> 00:01:36,661 YES, MEDICAL MARIJUANA HERE IN 25 00:01:36,728 --> 00:01:37,328 OKLAHOMA AND YOUR GOVERNOR SAID 26 00:01:37,395 --> 00:01:39,828 IT WOULD OPEN THE DOOR TO 27 00:01:39,895 --> 00:01:43,594 RECREATIONAL USE. 28 00:01:46,528 --> 00:01:48,895 YES, YES IT WILL. 29 00:01:48,961 --> 00:01:52,794 WE ARE COUNTING ON THAT. 30 00:01:52,861 --> 00:01:54,995 I WANTED TO COME, I LOVE THE RED 31 00:01:55,061 --> 00:01:56,995 STATES, I REALLY DO. 32 00:01:57,061 --> 00:01:58,528 I WANTED TO COME HERE BECAUSE 33 00:01:58,594 --> 00:01:59,495 FIRST OF ALL I MEAN THIS IN THE 34 00:01:59,561 --> 00:02:02,861 BEST POSSIBLE WAY, I MISS NORMAL 35 00:02:02,928 --> 00:02:05,495 SO MUCH. 36 00:02:05,561 --> 00:02:10,161 I MISS SENSIBLE MIDDLE OF THE 37 00:02:10,228 --> 00:02:13,761 COUNTRY LIBERALS SO MUCH. 38 00:02:15,061 --> 00:02:16,262 I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING FOR A 39 00:02:16,328 --> 00:02:18,794 BORING PRESIDENT, A PRESIDENT 40 00:02:18,861 --> 00:02:21,095 WHO BOARD TO MY BALLS OFF EVERY 41 00:02:21,161 --> 00:02:22,794 DAY. 42 00:02:22,861 --> 00:02:23,828 I WAKE UP EVERY DAY I LOOK AT 43 00:02:23,895 --> 00:02:28,561 THE PHONE THROUGH ONE I WHAT DID 44 00:02:28,628 --> 00:02:32,594 THE PATIENT DO TODAY. 45 00:02:32,661 --> 00:02:34,128 I FEEL LIKE I'M BINGE WATCHING 46 00:02:34,195 --> 00:02:36,995 THE WORST TELEVISION SHOW IN 47 00:02:37,061 --> 00:02:38,328 HISTORY, THEY COME UP TO ME, DO 48 00:02:38,395 --> 00:02:41,528 YOU SEE WHAT HE DID TODAY? 49 00:02:41,594 --> 00:02:43,262 I'M LIKE I'M STILL ON THE 50 00:02:43,328 --> 00:02:45,428 EPISODE WHERE HE FUCKED THE PORN 51 00:02:45,495 --> 00:02:49,395 STAR. 52 00:02:51,061 --> 00:02:52,462 THIS IS WHY I ALWAYS TRY TO 53 00:02:52,528 --> 00:02:54,594 IMPRESS SO MUCH ON THE YOUNGER 54 00:02:54,661 --> 00:02:57,295 PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT -- WHERE 55 00:02:57,362 --> 00:03:00,694 ARE MY MILLENNIALS BY THE WAY? 56 00:03:00,761 --> 00:03:01,794 WOW. 57 00:03:01,861 --> 00:03:02,462 ALWAYS IN THE BACK BECAUSE THEY 58 00:03:02,528 --> 00:03:06,594 HAVE NO MONEY. 59 00:03:06,928 --> 00:03:09,028 I'M FUCKING WITH YOU, I LOVE YOU 60 00:03:09,095 --> 00:03:11,128 BECAUSE THESE ARE THE GOOD 61 00:03:11,195 --> 00:03:13,961 MILLENNIALS. 62 00:03:15,462 --> 00:03:17,228 THEY CAME TO SEE ME AND THEY 63 00:03:17,295 --> 00:03:19,328 MUST KNOW THIS IS NOT A SAFE 64 00:03:19,395 --> 00:03:22,528 SPACE. 65 00:03:23,061 --> 00:03:26,195 EVERYONE HERE IS WELCOME, TRUMP 66 00:03:26,262 --> 00:03:27,195 PEOPLE ARE HERE AMONGST US AND 67 00:03:27,262 --> 00:03:29,995 THEY ARE WELCOME, I MEAN THAT. 68 00:03:30,061 --> 00:03:32,728 I MADE THAT, THIS IS A COUNTRY, 69 00:03:32,794 --> 00:03:34,594 NOT AN APARTMENT WE CAN'T 70 00:03:34,661 --> 00:03:35,694 DIVIDED DOWN THE MIDDLE, WE HAVE 71 00:03:35,761 --> 00:03:38,561 TO LEARN TO LIVE TOGETHER. 72 00:03:38,628 --> 00:03:39,362 YOU TRULY ARE WELCOME AND IT HAS 73 00:03:39,428 --> 00:03:41,661 BEEN IMPRESSED ON ME THAT IT 74 00:03:41,728 --> 00:03:42,828 DOESN'T HELP TO CALL YOUR 75 00:03:42,895 --> 00:03:47,561 POLITICAL ADVERSARIES DUMB. 76 00:03:48,495 --> 00:03:52,228 SO I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT. 77 00:03:52,295 --> 00:03:56,728 BUT EASILY CONNED, CAN WE SAY 78 00:03:56,794 --> 00:03:56,928 THAT? 79 00:03:56,995 --> 00:04:01,995 NOT EXACTLY DETAIL PEOPLE. 80 00:04:02,061 --> 00:04:02,495 TAKE SOMETHING LIKE THE 81 00:04:02,561 --> 00:04:04,828 AFFORDABLE CARE ACT. 82 00:04:04,895 --> 00:04:07,694 POLLS TELL US THAT TRUMP PEOPLE 83 00:04:07,761 --> 00:04:10,861 HATE OBAMACARE WHAT THEY LIKE 84 00:04:10,928 --> 00:04:18,228 THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT. 85 00:04:18,295 --> 00:04:19,428 WHAT DID TRUMP TELL THEM? 86 00:04:19,495 --> 00:04:20,628 I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU WAY 87 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:24,462 BETTER, WAY CHEAPER, AND COVER 88 00:04:24,528 --> 00:04:24,995 EVERYBODY. 89 00:04:25,061 --> 00:04:26,895 YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO GET SICK 90 00:04:26,961 --> 00:04:28,961 JUST TO USE THIS HEALTH CARE 91 00:04:29,028 --> 00:04:30,961 PLAN. 92 00:04:31,028 --> 00:04:33,228 WAY BETTER, WAY CHEAPER, AND 93 00:04:33,295 --> 00:04:34,694 COVER EVERYBODY AND YOU BOUGHT 94 00:04:34,761 --> 00:04:35,195 THAT? 95 00:04:35,262 --> 00:04:38,195 SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT A CON MAN? 96 00:04:38,262 --> 00:04:40,761 I KNEW THIS WAS HAPPENING ON THE 97 00:04:40,828 --> 00:04:41,995 FIRST DAY, REMEMBER WHEN HE SAW 98 00:04:42,061 --> 00:04:46,362 MULTITUDES THAT DID NOT EXIST? 99 00:04:46,428 --> 00:04:47,028 REMEMBER AT THE INAUGURATION, IT 100 00:04:47,095 --> 00:04:50,495 WAS BAD ENOUGH WHEN REPUBLICANS 101 00:04:50,561 --> 00:04:52,362 DIDN'T BELIEVE IN CLIMATE CHANGE 102 00:04:52,428 --> 00:05:01,961 BUT COUNTING? 103 00:05:05,061 --> 00:05:05,661 COUNTING IS SETTLED SCIENCE, I'M 104 00:05:05,728 --> 00:05:08,462 NOT GOING TO BUDGE ON THAT. 105 00:05:08,528 --> 00:05:12,661 THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU 106 00:05:12,728 --> 00:05:14,728 ELECT A MALIGNANT NARCISSIST AS 107 00:05:14,794 --> 00:05:16,594 PRESIDENT. 108 00:05:16,661 --> 00:05:18,195 HE CANNOT IMAGINE A REALITY THAT 109 00:05:18,262 --> 00:05:21,161 DOESN'T MATCH HIS PERCEPTIONS. 110 00:05:21,228 --> 00:05:22,161 THAT WAS THE MOST PEOPLE HE EVER 111 00:05:22,228 --> 00:05:26,395 SAW IN ONE PLACE, SO IT MUST BE 112 00:05:26,462 --> 00:05:29,095 THE MOST PEOPLE WHO EVER 113 00:05:29,161 --> 00:05:29,694 GATHERED ANYWHERE. 114 00:05:29,761 --> 00:05:33,428 THAT'S WHY HE THINKS HE HAS A 115 00:05:33,495 --> 00:05:38,561 BIG DICK. 116 00:05:38,628 --> 00:05:43,161 IT'S THE BIGGEST ONE HE HAS. 117 00:05:48,028 --> 00:05:48,495 ALTHOUGH HONESTLY, DOESN'T 118 00:05:48,561 --> 00:05:51,861 EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS MAN JUST 119 00:05:51,928 --> 00:05:56,594 SCREAM MICRO DICK? 120 00:05:56,661 --> 00:05:57,195 THE BRAGGING AND THE BUILDINGS 121 00:05:57,262 --> 00:06:02,195 WITH MY NAME ON IT, AT THE 122 00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:03,395 DEBATES, HE WAS TALKING ABOUT 123 00:06:03,462 --> 00:06:04,761 HIS DICK AT THE DEBATES, THAT 124 00:06:04,828 --> 00:06:07,794 GUY IS PRESIDENT. 125 00:06:07,861 --> 00:06:08,995 REMEMBER THAT? 126 00:06:09,061 --> 00:06:10,128 THERE IS NO PROBLEM, I GUARANTEE 127 00:06:10,195 --> 00:06:12,661 THERE IS NO PROBLEM. 128 00:06:12,728 --> 00:06:14,861 I THINK THERE'S A PROBLEM. 129 00:06:14,928 --> 00:06:16,594 I THINK THERE'S A VERY BIG 130 00:06:16,661 --> 00:06:18,594 PROBLEM, I THINK THAT'S THE 131 00:06:18,661 --> 00:06:18,961 WHOLE PROBLEM. 132 00:06:19,028 --> 00:06:21,428 I THINK THIS IS A MAN WHO HAS 133 00:06:21,495 --> 00:06:26,362 NEVER BROUGHT A WOMAN TO ORGASM. 134 00:06:26,428 --> 00:06:28,462 IF HE EVEN BELIEVES SUCH A THING 135 00:06:28,561 --> 00:06:28,728 EXISTS. 136 00:06:28,794 --> 00:06:30,694 IT'S RIGGED. 137 00:06:30,761 --> 00:06:33,861 IT'S RIGGED. 138 00:06:33,928 --> 00:06:34,195 THE FUNGI IN 139 00:06:34,262 --> 00:06:41,928 VAGINA HAS BEEN VR 140 00:06:41,995 --> 00:06:46,228 TO ME, I SAY THAT VERY STRONGLY. 141 00:06:46,295 --> 00:06:48,728 VERY STRONGLY. 142 00:06:49,061 --> 00:06:54,561 I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK 143 00:06:54,628 --> 00:06:56,362 ATTACK. 144 00:06:56,428 --> 00:06:57,794 I TALKED TO TRUMP PEOPLE, THEY 145 00:06:57,861 --> 00:06:59,561 AREN'T BLIND TO HIS FLAWS. 146 00:06:59,628 --> 00:07:01,228 YOU ASK WHAT YOU LIKE ABOUT THE 147 00:07:01,295 --> 00:07:01,761 GUY? 148 00:07:01,828 --> 00:07:04,028 THEY ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THING, 149 00:07:04,095 --> 00:07:07,195 HE'S STRONG, ALPHA, REAL MAN. 150 00:07:07,262 --> 00:07:09,195 WHO ARE YOU LOOKING AT? 151 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:09,828 HE'S ALWAYS BLAMING EVERYBODY 152 00:07:09,895 --> 00:07:12,961 ELSE, COMPLAINING. 153 00:07:13,028 --> 00:07:14,561 HE NEVER TAKES RESPONSIBILITY. 154 00:07:14,628 --> 00:07:21,228 "I INHERITED A MESS GOOD" YOU 155 00:07:21,295 --> 00:07:21,828 INHERITED MILLIONS OF DOLLARS 156 00:07:21,895 --> 00:07:29,728 YOU WHINY LITTLE BITCH. 157 00:07:31,628 --> 00:07:32,262 THANK YOU, I WILL BE DOING ALL 158 00:07:32,328 --> 00:07:37,594 OF MY GREATEST HITS TONIGHT. 159 00:07:37,661 --> 00:07:39,995 EVEN WHEN HE GOES TO A DISASTER 160 00:07:40,061 --> 00:07:40,428 ZONE, REMEMBER THAT? 161 00:07:40,495 --> 00:07:42,694 THAT'S ALL ABOUT HIM. 162 00:07:42,761 --> 00:07:45,095 REMEMBER THE HURRICANES? 163 00:07:45,161 --> 00:07:48,594 WE ARE GETTING VERY HIGH MARKS. 164 00:07:48,661 --> 00:07:49,462 "EVERYONE FLOATING BY US AS WERE 165 00:07:49,528 --> 00:07:58,028 A FANTASTIC JOB." 166 00:07:58,095 --> 00:08:01,428 WHAT PRESIDENT EVER NEEDED TO 167 00:08:01,495 --> 00:08:03,761 HAVE THESE EMERGENCY FLATTERY 168 00:08:03,828 --> 00:08:04,961 MEETINGS, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS 169 00:08:05,028 --> 00:08:06,495 WHERE THEY CALLED THE CABINET 170 00:08:06,561 --> 00:08:08,428 TOGETHER THEY GO AROUND THE 171 00:08:08,528 --> 00:08:11,694 ROOM, "YOU SHINE WITH THE LIGHT 172 00:08:11,761 --> 00:08:16,495 OF A THOUSAND SUNS, MY SIRE. 173 00:08:16,561 --> 00:08:17,061 "NOW THE SECRETARY OF LABOR 174 00:08:17,128 --> 00:08:22,594 WOULD LIKE TO SAY. 175 00:08:22,661 --> 00:08:23,561 THERE'S THAT CONGRESSWOMAN FROM 176 00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:24,761 TENNESSEE WHO MADE THAT SPEECH 177 00:08:24,828 --> 00:08:27,328 IN FRONT OF TRUMP, SHE SAID 178 00:08:27,395 --> 00:08:27,895 MR. PRESIDENT, THANK YOU FOR 179 00:08:27,961 --> 00:08:32,661 LETTING US HAVE YOU AS OUR 180 00:08:32,728 --> 00:08:33,428 PRESIDENT. 181 00:08:33,495 --> 00:08:36,228 LETTING US HAVE YOU? 182 00:08:36,295 --> 00:08:40,594 JESUS, DON'T GET ANY IN YOUR 183 00:08:40,661 --> 00:08:43,161 HAIR. 184 00:08:43,495 --> 00:08:50,995 LETTING US HAVE YOU? 185 00:08:51,061 --> 00:08:52,594 I GUESS WE FORGOT, THE PRESIDENT 186 00:08:52,661 --> 00:08:53,661 IS SUPPOSED TO LIFT US UP, NOT 187 00:08:53,728 --> 00:08:55,561 THE OTHER WAY AROUND. 188 00:08:55,628 --> 00:08:57,928 BUT WE ARE IN THE OTHER WAY 189 00:08:57,995 --> 00:08:59,161 AROUND. 190 00:08:59,228 --> 00:09:01,961 WHO HAS RALLIES AFTER THE 191 00:09:02,028 --> 00:09:02,861 ELECTION IS OVER? 192 00:09:02,928 --> 00:09:05,995 ONLY THIS PSYCHOPATH BECAUSE HE 193 00:09:06,061 --> 00:09:08,395 GETS BLUE, HE SEES SOMETHING ON 194 00:09:08,462 --> 00:09:11,128 TV HE DOESN'T LIKE, GET ME 9,000 195 00:09:11,195 --> 00:09:12,728 DROOLING IDIOTS IN AN AIRPLANE 196 00:09:12,794 --> 00:09:16,861 HANGAR IN TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA, 197 00:09:16,928 --> 00:09:19,728 STAT. 198 00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:23,628 IS RALLIES... 199 00:09:23,694 --> 00:09:25,728 HE DID ONE THE OTHER DAY. 200 00:09:25,794 --> 00:09:30,594 HE LIES A LOT ANYWAY, HE TAKES 201 00:09:30,661 --> 00:09:33,095 GREAT PRIDE IN THE FACT THAT HE 202 00:09:33,161 --> 00:09:36,561 DOES NOT USE A TELEPROMPTER. 203 00:09:36,628 --> 00:09:37,428 HE DOESN'T WANT TO INSULT HIS 204 00:09:37,495 --> 00:09:42,961 BASE BY READING. 205 00:09:43,395 --> 00:09:46,262 THE SHIT THAT COMES OUT OF HIS 206 00:09:46,328 --> 00:09:48,362 MOUTH AT THESE RALLIES, 207 00:09:48,428 --> 00:09:50,495 FACT-CHECKERS ARE CARRIED OUT ON 208 00:09:50,561 --> 00:09:50,961 STRETCHERS, LADIES AND 209 00:09:51,028 --> 00:09:52,995 GENTLEMEN. 210 00:09:58,628 --> 00:10:00,761 I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT TO THE 211 00:10:00,828 --> 00:10:02,895 END OF THIS SHOW TALKING ABOUT 212 00:10:02,961 --> 00:10:05,794 THIS ASSHOLE. 213 00:10:05,861 --> 00:10:06,995 PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO CALM 214 00:10:07,061 --> 00:10:08,262 ME DOWN, THEY'RE LIKE OH COME 215 00:10:08,328 --> 00:10:11,794 ON, BILL, YOU'RE EXAGGERATING, 216 00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:12,462 WE'VE HAD PRESIDENTS WHO DIDN'T 217 00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:14,328 KNOW MUCH. 218 00:10:14,395 --> 00:10:16,262 WE HAVE HAD THAT, WE'VE HAD 219 00:10:16,328 --> 00:10:18,661 PRESIDENTS WHO DIDN'T KNOW MUCH. 220 00:10:18,728 --> 00:10:22,128 RONALD REAGAN THOUGHT THE COAT 221 00:10:22,195 --> 00:10:28,195 RACK WAS BARBARA STANWYCK. 222 00:10:29,828 --> 00:10:33,495 KIDS, USE YOUR GOOGLE TO FIND 223 00:10:33,561 --> 00:10:37,761 OUT WHO BARBARA STANWYCK IS. 224 00:10:37,828 --> 00:10:38,895 LOOK UP COAT RACK WHILE YOU'RE 225 00:10:38,961 --> 00:10:39,995 IN THERE COME UP WITH BECAUSE 226 00:10:40,061 --> 00:10:42,262 THAT'S PROBABLY NOT A THING 227 00:10:42,328 --> 00:10:44,794 ANYMORE EITHER. 228 00:10:44,861 --> 00:10:48,262 WE'VE HAD DUMB MASS PRESIDENTS 229 00:10:48,328 --> 00:10:52,161 BUT WE'VE NEVER HAD ONE SO 230 00:10:52,228 --> 00:10:52,728 AGGRESSIVELY STUPID. 231 00:10:52,794 --> 00:10:54,462 WHO TAKES PRIDE THAT YOU CANNOT 232 00:10:54,528 --> 00:10:55,395 GET INFORMATION INTO HIS HEAD, 233 00:10:55,462 --> 00:10:59,995 WE DON'T KNOW HOW HE GETS 234 00:11:00,061 --> 00:11:00,528 INFORMATION ALTHOUGH IT'S 235 00:11:00,594 --> 00:11:03,495 ENTIRELY POSSIBLE SEAN HANNITY 236 00:11:03,561 --> 00:11:09,761 BLOWS IT DIRECTLY UP HIS ASS. 237 00:11:09,828 --> 00:11:10,961 HE TAKES PRIDE NO MATTER HOW 238 00:11:11,028 --> 00:11:12,428 MANY TIMES YOU TELL HIM THINGS 239 00:11:12,495 --> 00:11:14,061 HE WILL INSIST THAT THE STEALTH 240 00:11:14,128 --> 00:11:18,761 BOMBER IS LITERALLY INVISIBLE. 241 00:11:18,828 --> 00:11:21,495 OR THERE IS SUCH A THING AS 242 00:11:21,561 --> 00:11:22,661 CLEAN COAL OR GLOBAL WARMING IS 243 00:11:22,728 --> 00:11:26,828 A HOAX BECAUSE IT SNOWS IN THE 244 00:11:26,895 --> 00:11:31,061 WINTER. 245 00:11:31,128 --> 00:11:31,694 IT'S LIKE SAYING THE PSALM ISN'T 246 00:11:31,761 --> 00:11:33,161 REAL BECAUSE LAST NIGHT IT GOT 247 00:11:33,228 --> 00:11:36,061 DARK. 248 00:11:36,128 --> 00:11:40,594 REMEMBER JIM INHOFE WITH THE 249 00:11:40,661 --> 00:11:44,428 SNOWBALL? 250 00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:47,362 YOU'VE GOT SOME REAL BEAUTIES 251 00:11:47,428 --> 00:11:48,428 HERE, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU PUT 252 00:11:48,495 --> 00:11:50,861 UP WITH THEM BUT THERE IS SOME 253 00:11:50,928 --> 00:11:52,928 REAL ASSHOLE POLITICIANS IN THIS 254 00:11:52,995 --> 00:11:56,095 STATE. 255 00:11:57,095 --> 00:12:02,328 DOWN THE LINE. 256 00:12:02,395 --> 00:12:03,495 THE SADDEST THING ABOUT TRUMP, 257 00:12:03,561 --> 00:12:05,761 HE DOESN'T WANT TO CHANGE. 258 00:12:05,828 --> 00:12:08,694 HE SAID MANY TIMES, I COULD BE 259 00:12:08,761 --> 00:12:10,028 PRESIDENTIAL. 260 00:12:10,095 --> 00:12:14,628 IN HIS FIRST PRESS CONFERENCE HE 261 00:12:14,694 --> 00:12:16,262 SAID I AM ME. 262 00:12:16,328 --> 00:12:21,761 THANKS, TARZAN. 263 00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:22,928 EVEN MELANIA, YOUR ENGLISH IS 264 00:12:22,995 --> 00:12:28,594 NOT TOO, DADDY. 265 00:12:28,661 --> 00:12:33,328 OH, MELANIA, I LIKE HER, COME ON 266 00:12:33,395 --> 00:12:33,594 ON. 267 00:12:33,661 --> 00:12:36,362 SHE'S THE GOOD KIND OF IMMIGRANT 268 00:12:36,428 --> 00:12:36,628 IMMIGRANT. 269 00:12:36,694 --> 00:12:40,195 THE KIND THAT DOES THE JOBS 270 00:12:40,262 --> 00:12:47,262 AMERICANS JUST DON'T WANT TO DO. 271 00:12:47,328 --> 00:12:51,794 LIKE BLOWING AND FUCKING 272 00:12:51,861 --> 00:12:53,961 DONALD TRUMP. 273 00:12:54,028 --> 00:12:56,362 I DO FEEL BAD FOR HER HAVING TO 274 00:12:56,428 --> 00:12:56,961 LIVE THROUGH THIS SCANDAL WITH 275 00:12:57,028 --> 00:13:00,895 THE PORN STAR, THIS HE SAID, SHE 276 00:13:00,961 --> 00:13:03,061 SAID THING THAT'S GOING ON. 277 00:13:03,128 --> 00:13:04,328 BUT WHO ARE YOU GOING TO 278 00:13:04,395 --> 00:13:11,061 BELIEVE, THE FAKE BLONDE WITH 279 00:13:11,128 --> 00:13:18,395 BIG TITS, OR STORMY DANIELS? 280 00:13:18,728 --> 00:13:22,262 DID YOU SEE THAT THE 281 00:13:22,328 --> 00:13:23,961 EVANGELICALS, ANY EVANGELICALS 282 00:13:24,028 --> 00:13:27,028 HERE, YOU'RE WELCOME TOO. 283 00:13:27,095 --> 00:13:30,195 I KNOW YOU'RE HERE. 284 00:13:30,262 --> 00:13:32,694 YOU'RE WELCOME TOO. 285 00:13:32,761 --> 00:13:37,028 DID YOU SEE THEY GAVE HIM A 286 00:13:37,095 --> 00:13:41,528 MULLIGAN ON STORMY DANIELS? 287 00:13:41,594 --> 00:13:42,328 HE COULD FUCK CHARLIE DANIELS, 288 00:13:42,395 --> 00:13:46,362 THEY DON'T CARE. 289 00:13:46,428 --> 00:13:48,362 I THOUGHT WHAT WAS SO 290 00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:49,761 INTERESTING IS WHEN TRUMP GOT IN 291 00:13:49,828 --> 00:13:51,362 TROUBLE THE FIRST TIME, REMEMBER 292 00:13:51,428 --> 00:13:52,961 THE HOLLYWOOD ACCESS TAPE A 293 00:13:53,028 --> 00:13:54,362 MONTH BEFORE THE ELECTION, WHO 294 00:13:54,428 --> 00:13:56,828 CAME TO HIS AID? 295 00:13:56,895 --> 00:14:00,961 IT WAS THE TWO CHRISTIANS. 296 00:14:01,028 --> 00:14:04,128 IT WAS THE TWO SUPER CHRISTIANS 297 00:14:04,195 --> 00:14:05,528 IN HIS ADMINISTRATION MIKE PENCE 298 00:14:05,594 --> 00:14:06,761 AND JEFF SESSIONS, YOU KNOW THE 299 00:14:06,828 --> 00:14:08,561 PEOPLE THEY START EVERY DEBATE 300 00:14:08,628 --> 00:14:13,128 WITH I'M A CHRISTIAN. 301 00:14:13,195 --> 00:14:15,895 LIKE WHY EVEN HAVE THIS ARGUMENT 302 00:14:15,961 --> 00:14:22,161 ARGUMENT, I WIN AUTOMATICALLY. 303 00:14:22,228 --> 00:14:23,661 I BELIEVE IN AN INTELLECTUALLY 304 00:14:23,728 --> 00:14:26,828 EMBARRASSING BRONZE AGE MYTH. 305 00:14:26,895 --> 00:14:28,395 BOOM. 306 00:14:28,462 --> 00:14:36,728 MIKE DROP. 307 00:14:36,794 --> 00:14:37,694 THEY ASKED JEFF SESSIONS TWO 308 00:14:37,761 --> 00:14:39,528 DAYS AFTER THE TAPE CAME OUT, 309 00:14:39,594 --> 00:14:45,362 YOU'RE A SENATOR, THE GUY WHO 310 00:14:45,428 --> 00:14:47,928 WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT JUST SAID 311 00:14:47,995 --> 00:14:49,561 HE ADMITTED TO GRABBING WOMEN'S 312 00:14:49,628 --> 00:14:51,128 VAGINAS IS THAT NOT 313 00:14:51,195 --> 00:14:51,495 SEXUAL ASSAULT? 314 00:14:51,561 --> 00:15:05,195 AND JEFF SESSIONS SAID 315 00:15:07,794 --> 00:15:08,995 AND I'M QUOTING DIRECTLY, THAT 316 00:15:09,061 --> 00:15:15,128 IS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID. 317 00:15:15,195 --> 00:15:17,995 THE REPORTER PERSISTED AND SAID 318 00:15:18,061 --> 00:15:19,495 HE GRABS PUSSIES. 319 00:15:19,561 --> 00:15:20,761 UP JEFF SESSIONS AND SAID "IT'S 320 00:15:20,828 --> 00:15:26,828 NOT CLEAR HOW THAT WOULD OCCUR. 321 00:15:26,895 --> 00:15:28,861 "IT'S A TOTALLY MATTER OF 322 00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:29,195 CIRCUMSTANCE. 323 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:32,794 WHAT IF YOU SAW A PUSSY ABOUT TO 324 00:15:32,861 --> 00:15:36,095 FALL OFF A CLIFF, WOULDN'T YOU 325 00:15:36,161 --> 00:15:39,961 WANT TO BE ABLE TO GRAB THAT 326 00:15:40,028 --> 00:15:41,128 PUSSY WITHOUT A LOT OF 327 00:15:41,195 --> 00:15:41,928 POLITICALLY CORRECT RED TAPE 328 00:15:41,995 --> 00:15:42,362 GETTING IN THE WAY? 329 00:15:42,428 --> 00:15:50,995 I THINK YOU WOULD. 330 00:15:51,061 --> 00:15:51,628 THERE IS NO SHAME IN THEIR GAME, 331 00:15:51,694 --> 00:15:51,961 THESE PEOPLE. 332 00:15:52,028 --> 00:15:54,362 IF WE ARE EVER GOING TO WIN AN 333 00:15:54,428 --> 00:15:55,462 ELECTION, WE HAVE TO BUDDY UP TO 334 00:15:55,528 --> 00:15:56,694 THAT IDEA. 335 00:15:56,761 --> 00:15:58,761 NO SHAME. 336 00:15:58,828 --> 00:16:03,995 I HAVE A LOT OF PERSPECTIVE ON 337 00:16:04,061 --> 00:16:05,161 REPUBLICANS, I NEVER REALLY WAS 338 00:16:05,228 --> 00:16:07,594 A REPUBLICAN VOTER, I WAS SO 339 00:16:07,661 --> 00:16:08,961 SCARED MITT ROMNEY WAS GOING TO 340 00:16:09,028 --> 00:16:10,995 BE A PRESIDENT I GAVE OBAMA A 341 00:16:11,061 --> 00:16:12,395 MILLION BUCKS. 342 00:16:12,462 --> 00:16:16,694 I WOULD GLADLY GIVE ROMNEY A 343 00:16:16,761 --> 00:16:18,195 MILLION DOLLARS TOMORROW IF HE 344 00:16:18,262 --> 00:16:23,395 WOULD TAKE OVER AMERICA. 345 00:16:23,462 --> 00:16:23,928 I WOULD SLEEP LIKE A BABY. 346 00:16:23,995 --> 00:16:26,528 I WOULD BECOME A MORMON, I WILL. 347 00:16:26,594 --> 00:16:29,128 I WOULD DO THAT FOR MY COUNTRY, 348 00:16:29,195 --> 00:16:30,728 I WOULD BECOME A MORMON, I WILL 349 00:16:30,794 --> 00:16:34,161 WEAR THE MAGIC UNDERWEAR, I WILL 350 00:16:34,228 --> 00:16:35,028 VISIT PLANET COLE LAUB, I WILL 351 00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:38,528 BAPTIZE DEAD PEOPLE. 352 00:16:38,594 --> 00:16:40,661 WHAT A STUPID RELIGION THAT ONE 353 00:16:40,728 --> 00:16:41,428 IS. 354 00:16:41,495 --> 00:16:43,428 THEY ARE ALL STUPID BUT 355 00:16:43,495 --> 00:16:47,594 JESUS CHRIST -- WHAT KISSES ME 356 00:16:47,661 --> 00:16:50,961 OFF ARE THESE NEW RELIGIONS. 357 00:16:51,028 --> 00:16:52,928 THE CHRISTIANS AND THE MUSLIMS 358 00:16:52,995 --> 00:16:56,794 AND THE, THEY GET GRANDFATHERED 359 00:16:56,861 --> 00:16:58,928 IN, RIGHT? 360 00:16:58,995 --> 00:17:00,495 THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD 361 00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:05,362 BEFORE THE AGE OF SCIENCE, 362 00:17:05,428 --> 00:17:07,728 MORMONS ARE 1820, YOU KNEW 363 00:17:07,794 --> 00:17:10,095 BETTER AND THAT SCIENTOLOGISTS 364 00:17:10,161 --> 00:17:15,161 AND SEVENTH-DAY ADVENTISTS. 365 00:17:15,228 --> 00:17:16,561 THIS IS AWESOME, I HAVE TO TELL 366 00:17:16,628 --> 00:17:18,495 YOU I USED TO BE A LONELY 367 00:17:18,561 --> 00:17:21,228 PIONEER OUT THERE ON THE ATHEIST 368 00:17:21,295 --> 00:17:22,794 TRAILS. 369 00:17:22,861 --> 00:17:25,328 AND NOW? 370 00:17:32,462 --> 00:17:37,462 IT'S LIKE ANAL, EVERYONE'S DOING 371 00:17:37,528 --> 00:17:39,961 IT. 372 00:17:40,028 --> 00:17:41,228 RELIGION NUMBERS ARE DOWN ACROSS 373 00:17:41,295 --> 00:17:44,128 THE BOARD AND YOU WONDER WHY. 374 00:17:44,195 --> 00:17:46,128 YOU SAW THEY WERE TRYING TO USE 375 00:17:46,195 --> 00:17:47,661 THE BIBLE TO JUSTIFY SEPARATING 376 00:17:47,728 --> 00:17:48,995 CHILDREN FROM THEIR PARENTS AT 377 00:17:49,061 --> 00:17:52,495 THE BORDER. 378 00:17:53,195 --> 00:17:55,995 SO I HOPE YOU WILL AGREE WITH ME 379 00:17:56,061 --> 00:17:58,328 THAT ABOVE ALL THINGS IN THIS 380 00:17:58,395 --> 00:17:59,228 WORLD, WHAT NEEDS SCRUTINY AND 381 00:17:59,295 --> 00:18:04,128 CRITICISM IS RELIGION. 382 00:18:05,295 --> 00:18:08,228 AND THAT MEANS ALL OF THEM. 383 00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:12,528 ALL OF THEM. 384 00:18:14,628 --> 00:18:16,128 THIS RIDICULOUS FETISH I SING OF 385 00:18:16,195 --> 00:18:17,661 ISLAM ON THE PART OF SO MANY 386 00:18:17,728 --> 00:18:20,794 LIBERALS HAS GOT TO STOP. 387 00:18:20,861 --> 00:18:23,495 IT'S A RELIGION, LIKE ALL 388 00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:25,462 RELIGIONS, ANTIQUATED AND 389 00:18:25,528 --> 00:18:26,728 DANGEROUS. 390 00:18:26,794 --> 00:18:27,628 THAT ONE IS MORE FUNDAMENTALIST 391 00:18:27,694 --> 00:18:31,462 WHICH IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. 392 00:18:31,528 --> 00:18:33,961 IT IS TRUMP'S MUSLIM MAN A GOOD 393 00:18:34,028 --> 00:18:34,161 IDEA? 394 00:18:34,228 --> 00:18:37,128 OF COURSE NOT. 395 00:18:37,195 --> 00:18:39,028 IT'S COUNTERPRODUCTIVE, IT'S 396 00:18:39,095 --> 00:18:39,628 UNNECESSARY, IT'S UN-AMERICAN, 397 00:18:39,694 --> 00:18:41,694 IT'S BIGOTED. 398 00:18:41,761 --> 00:18:42,928 BUT WHAT IS THE LIBERAL ANSWER 399 00:18:42,995 --> 00:18:46,061 TO THIS ISSUE? 400 00:18:46,128 --> 00:18:46,628 APPARENTLY IT'S JUST YELLING 401 00:18:46,694 --> 00:18:48,928 ISLAM A PHOBIA WHEN ANYBODY 402 00:18:48,995 --> 00:18:52,728 CRITICIZES THE RELIGION. 403 00:18:52,794 --> 00:18:53,528 I CAN'T CRITICIZE A RELIGION? 404 00:18:53,594 --> 00:19:01,128 HAVE WE MET? 405 00:19:01,195 --> 00:19:01,861 I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS ALREADY 406 00:19:01,928 --> 00:19:02,728 WITH THE CATHOLICS. 407 00:19:02,794 --> 00:19:04,395 THEY WERE THE ONES TRYING TO GET 408 00:19:04,462 --> 00:19:07,161 ME THROWN OFF TV TEN, 12 YEARS 409 00:19:07,228 --> 00:19:08,128 AGO. 410 00:19:08,195 --> 00:19:10,895 WILLIAM DONOHUE THE HEAD OF THE 411 00:19:10,961 --> 00:19:12,328 CATHOLIC LEAGUE WITH HIS LETTER 412 00:19:12,395 --> 00:19:12,961 WRITING CAMPAIGNS AT ONE POINT 413 00:19:13,028 --> 00:19:18,961 WANTED TO FIGHT ME. 414 00:19:19,028 --> 00:19:21,161 FIGHT ME AS JESUS WOULD HAVE 415 00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:24,328 WANTED I'M SURE, 250-YEAR-OLD 416 00:19:24,395 --> 00:19:24,928 MAN IN A PARKING LOT WITH OUR 417 00:19:24,995 --> 00:19:28,395 SHORT SLEEVES ROLLED UP. 418 00:19:28,728 --> 00:19:32,195 FIGHT ME. 419 00:19:32,262 --> 00:19:38,928 I WOULD SAY IT "BILL, I'M NOT 420 00:19:38,995 --> 00:19:40,128 ANTICATHOLIC, I'M ANTI-CHILD 421 00:19:40,195 --> 00:19:40,362 FUCKING. 422 00:19:40,428 --> 00:19:41,928 YOUR ORGANIZATION HAS BEEN 423 00:19:41,995 --> 00:19:43,295 CAUGHT DOING A LOT OF THAT, THAT 424 00:19:43,362 --> 00:19:46,328 DOESN'T MAKE ME A BAD GUY. 425 00:19:46,395 --> 00:19:49,061 I'M NOT ANTI-MUSLIM, I'M 426 00:19:49,128 --> 00:19:50,362 ANTI-MISOGYNY. 427 00:19:50,428 --> 00:19:51,061 I THOUGHT FEMINISM WAS A THING 428 00:19:51,128 --> 00:19:53,061 WITH LIBERALS." 429 00:19:53,128 --> 00:19:56,728 I'M AGAINST IT WHEN THEY THROW A 430 00:19:56,794 --> 00:19:59,195 TARP OVER A WOMAN LIKE SHE'S A 431 00:19:59,262 --> 00:20:00,728 MOTORBOAT. 432 00:20:01,395 --> 00:20:03,295 HAVE YOU EVER TRIED ONE OF THOSE 433 00:20:03,362 --> 00:20:03,462 ON? 434 00:20:03,528 --> 00:20:05,428 IT'S STIFLING. 435 00:20:05,495 --> 00:20:07,061 PART OF THE REASON WHY THEY DO 436 00:20:07,128 --> 00:20:10,861 THAT IS SO THE MEN DON'T HAVE TO 437 00:20:10,928 --> 00:20:12,528 BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR 438 00:20:12,594 --> 00:20:12,794 ERECTIONS. 439 00:20:12,861 --> 00:20:15,928 LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN. 440 00:20:15,995 --> 00:20:18,561 THE MEN MAKE THE WOMEN WALK 441 00:20:18,628 --> 00:20:21,928 AROUND ALL DAY IN A VOTING BOOTH 442 00:20:21,995 --> 00:20:23,028 SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE 443 00:20:23,095 --> 00:20:28,395 RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ERECTIONS. 444 00:20:28,462 --> 00:20:37,328 YOUR MOVE, #MeToo. 445 00:20:37,395 --> 00:20:39,395 I'M NOT ANTI-ANY PEOPLE, I'M 446 00:20:39,462 --> 00:20:42,528 ANTI-TERRORIZING HOMOSEXUALS. 447 00:20:42,594 --> 00:20:44,628 I THOUGHT THAT WAS A LIBERAL 448 00:20:44,694 --> 00:20:49,995 THING. 449 00:20:50,061 --> 00:20:53,828 I SAW A COLLEGE KID ON CAMPUS 450 00:20:53,895 --> 00:20:58,794 WITH A T-SHIRT THAT SAID QUEERS 451 00:20:58,861 --> 00:21:01,728 AGAINST ISLAMOPHOBIA. 452 00:21:01,794 --> 00:21:04,395 I WANTED TO SAY TO HIM WHERE 453 00:21:04,462 --> 00:21:05,428 THAT SHIRT IN PAKISTAN AND SEE 454 00:21:05,495 --> 00:21:11,128 IF ANYBODY READS DOWN THE 455 00:21:11,195 --> 00:21:11,728 CLEAREST PART. 456 00:21:11,794 --> 00:21:12,861 NO PROTECTED SPECIES IN AMERICA, 457 00:21:12,928 --> 00:21:15,128 WE HAVE FREE SPEECH HERE. 458 00:21:15,195 --> 00:21:17,694 ALL JOKES ARE UNFAIR TO A DEGREE 459 00:21:17,761 --> 00:21:17,928 DEGREE. 460 00:21:17,995 --> 00:21:19,528 THINGS STICK A MOTHER NOT ALWAYS 461 00:21:19,594 --> 00:21:20,528 TOTALLY TRUE BUT WE ALWAYS SUCK 462 00:21:20,594 --> 00:21:23,995 IT UP AND LAUGH. 463 00:21:24,061 --> 00:21:29,328 THAT'S EVERYBODY. 464 00:21:29,395 --> 00:21:31,295 IF SOMETHING HAPPENS IN GERMANY, 465 00:21:31,362 --> 00:21:34,928 EVERY COMEDIAN MAKES A NAZI 466 00:21:34,995 --> 00:21:36,628 JOKE, GERMANY DOESN'T HAVE A LOT 467 00:21:36,694 --> 00:21:37,028 OF THEM ANYMORE. 468 00:21:37,095 --> 00:21:39,462 HERE, YES. 469 00:21:39,528 --> 00:21:42,328 WE HAVE THE NAZIS HERE. 470 00:21:42,395 --> 00:21:43,794 THAT'S HOW IT IS, IF YOU ARE 471 00:21:43,861 --> 00:21:48,328 FRENCH YOU ALWAYS SURRENDER. 472 00:21:48,395 --> 00:21:48,895 IF YOU'RE A SUPERMODEL, YOU 473 00:21:48,961 --> 00:21:52,128 ALWAYS THROW UP YOUR LUNCH, IF 474 00:21:52,195 --> 00:21:53,061 YOU'RE A REDNECK YOU ALWAYS FUCK 475 00:21:53,128 --> 00:21:59,794 YOUR SISTER. 476 00:22:00,128 --> 00:22:04,428 TO CLOSE? 477 00:22:06,561 --> 00:22:15,694 SORRY. 478 00:22:15,761 --> 00:22:17,694 NOTHING IS FUNNY PEOPLE CANNOT 479 00:22:17,761 --> 00:22:19,128 WIN. 480 00:22:19,195 --> 00:22:21,128 THINGS ARE BAD ENOUGH, WE HAVE 481 00:22:21,195 --> 00:22:21,728 TO LAUGH. 482 00:22:21,794 --> 00:22:22,928 AND THE SNOWFLAKES KEEP WANTING 483 00:22:22,995 --> 00:22:26,128 TO MOVE THE GOALPOSTS ON WHAT 484 00:22:26,195 --> 00:22:26,828 CAN BE FUNNY. 485 00:22:26,895 --> 00:22:28,528 NOW THEY ARE ON THIS THING WHERE 486 00:22:28,594 --> 00:22:30,028 IF SOMETHING IN A JOKE EVEN 487 00:22:30,095 --> 00:22:31,528 REMINDS YOU OF SOMETHING THAT'S 488 00:22:31,594 --> 00:22:35,495 SAD, NO GOOD. 489 00:22:35,561 --> 00:22:35,728 WELL... 490 00:22:35,794 --> 00:22:38,061 FUCK THAT. 491 00:22:38,128 --> 00:22:40,262 MY ANSWER TO THAT IS MEL BROOKS 492 00:22:40,328 --> 00:22:45,262 WHAT HITLER IN A MUSICAL. 493 00:22:45,328 --> 00:22:50,928 SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER. 494 00:22:51,995 --> 00:22:53,128 IF I TRIED REAL HARD I THINK I 495 00:22:53,195 --> 00:22:55,362 COULD CONNECT THAT TO SOMETHING 496 00:22:55,428 --> 00:22:57,628 SAID THAT I DON'T BECAUSE WE 497 00:22:57,694 --> 00:22:58,728 CHOOSE TO LAUGH. 498 00:22:58,794 --> 00:23:00,895 WE CHOOSE TO LAUGH, NOT BECAUSE 499 00:23:00,961 --> 00:23:03,661 IT'S EASY, BUT BECAUSE IT'S HARD 500 00:23:03,728 --> 00:23:07,128 HARD. 501 00:23:07,661 --> 00:23:13,328 THAT'S MY JFK. 502 00:23:13,395 --> 00:23:15,728 WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, WE NEVER HAD 503 00:23:15,794 --> 00:23:19,128 TERMS LIKE MICRO AGGRESSIONS. 504 00:23:19,195 --> 00:23:20,794 MICRO AGGRESSIONS AND SAFE 505 00:23:20,861 --> 00:23:23,995 SPACES AND TRIGGER WARNINGS. 506 00:23:24,061 --> 00:23:26,661 I'M NOT A MARINE OR ANYTHING BUT 507 00:23:26,728 --> 00:23:30,328 WHY DID EVERYBODY GET SO FRAGILE 508 00:23:30,395 --> 00:23:32,028 ABOUT FREE SPEECH ZONES? 509 00:23:32,095 --> 00:23:37,095 YOU MEAN AMERICA? 510 00:23:41,961 --> 00:23:43,728 LIBERALS CAN BE THE WORST ON 511 00:23:43,794 --> 00:23:45,728 THIS, WE SHOULD OWN THE 512 00:23:45,794 --> 00:23:46,462 FIRST AMENDMENT THE WAY THE 513 00:23:46,528 --> 00:23:48,528 CONSERVATIVES ON THE SECOND. 514 00:23:48,594 --> 00:23:50,995 BUT WE DON'T. 515 00:23:51,061 --> 00:23:53,528 WE GAVE IT UP. 516 00:23:54,861 --> 00:23:57,928 I HAD THE HONOR OF MY LIFE -- I 517 00:23:57,995 --> 00:24:00,895 THOUGHT IT WAS. 518 00:24:00,961 --> 00:24:03,328 FOUR YEARS AGO WHEN BERKELEY ON 519 00:24:03,395 --> 00:24:04,694 THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE FREE 520 00:24:04,761 --> 00:24:07,128 SPEECH MOVEMENT ON THE BERKELEY 521 00:24:07,195 --> 00:24:08,828 CAMPUS INVITED ME TO BE THE 522 00:24:08,895 --> 00:24:10,828 KEYNOTE SPEAKER AT THE 523 00:24:10,895 --> 00:24:15,428 GRADUATION. 524 00:24:17,395 --> 00:24:18,128 WEIGHT. 525 00:24:18,195 --> 00:24:19,861 AND THEN I WAS UNINVITED BECAUSE 526 00:24:19,928 --> 00:24:21,961 THEY GOT WIND I MIGHT SPEAK 527 00:24:22,028 --> 00:24:25,728 FREELY. 528 00:24:25,794 --> 00:24:27,495 THEY DON'T TEACH IRONY ON CAMPUS 529 00:24:27,561 --> 00:24:31,928 ANYMORE IS MY GUESS. 530 00:24:31,995 --> 00:24:33,228 CAMPUSES ARE A LITTLE OUT OF 531 00:24:33,295 --> 00:24:36,528 CONTROL, WOULD YOU NOT AGREE? 532 00:24:40,594 --> 00:24:42,095 THREE COLLEGES LAST YEAR HAD TO 533 00:24:42,161 --> 00:24:45,995 CANCEL PRODUCTIONS OF THE VAGINA 534 00:24:46,061 --> 00:24:48,594 MONOLOGUES BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T 535 00:24:48,661 --> 00:24:50,561 SENSITIVE ENOUGH TO WOMEN WHO 536 00:24:50,628 --> 00:24:56,594 DON'T HAVE A VAGINA. 537 00:24:56,928 --> 00:25:01,128 THEY EXIST, CAITLYN JENNER I 538 00:25:01,195 --> 00:25:03,628 BELIEVE IS A WOMAN WHO STILL HAS 539 00:25:03,694 --> 00:25:05,328 A DICK. 540 00:25:05,395 --> 00:25:07,728 WHATEVER IT IS, I SUPPORT HER, 541 00:25:07,794 --> 00:25:08,495 OKAY? 542 00:25:08,561 --> 00:25:12,095 IF SHE CUT IT OFF, I SAY GOOD 543 00:25:12,161 --> 00:25:12,895 CHOICE! 544 00:25:12,961 --> 00:25:14,828 GOOD RIDDANCE TO THAT FUCKING 545 00:25:14,895 --> 00:25:16,295 THING, IT'S NOTHING BUT TROUBLE, 546 00:25:16,362 --> 00:25:17,828 I SEE IT LIKE THE TONSILS OR THE 547 00:25:17,895 --> 00:25:22,495 APPENDIX OR SOMETHING. 548 00:25:26,428 --> 00:25:28,195 I HARP ON THIS STUFF BECAUSE 549 00:25:28,262 --> 00:25:29,761 DEMOCRATS I THINK WE CAN ALL 550 00:25:29,828 --> 00:25:30,761 AGREE CANNOT AFFORD TO BLOW 551 00:25:30,828 --> 00:25:39,328 ANYMORE ELECTIONS. 552 00:25:39,395 --> 00:25:41,928 THIS KIND OF SHIT IS ONE REASON 553 00:25:41,995 --> 00:25:44,328 WHY JUST THE NAME DEMOCRAT IS SO 554 00:25:44,395 --> 00:25:47,528 TOXIC IN STATES LIKE THIS, AND 555 00:25:47,594 --> 00:25:48,362 ABOUT 25 OTHERS WERE ANYBODY 556 00:25:48,428 --> 00:25:50,028 OTHER THAN A DEMOCRAT CAN WIN. 557 00:25:50,095 --> 00:25:56,128 WE'VE GOT TO CHANGE THAT. 558 00:25:59,061 --> 00:25:59,628 AND THE WAY YOU DO IT, DROP THE 559 00:25:59,694 --> 00:26:02,694 PC BULLSHIT. 560 00:26:02,761 --> 00:26:08,161 ALSO, GET A MESSAGE. 561 00:26:08,228 --> 00:26:09,362 GET A CANDIDATE THAT PEOPLE 562 00:26:09,428 --> 00:26:10,428 LIKE, I LIKED HILARY BUT SHE 563 00:26:10,495 --> 00:26:13,228 COULDN'T FILL THE FUNCTION ROOM 564 00:26:13,295 --> 00:26:17,295 AT THE OLIVE GARDEN. 565 00:26:18,594 --> 00:26:20,528 MEANWHILE THERE WAS A 566 00:26:20,594 --> 00:26:21,395 74-YEAR-OLD MAN GETTING 20,000 567 00:26:21,462 --> 00:26:25,895 PEOPLE TO COME OUT AND SEE HIM. 568 00:26:30,794 --> 00:26:31,528 YES, BERNIE. 569 00:26:31,594 --> 00:26:32,328 BERNIE SANDERS. 570 00:26:32,395 --> 00:26:34,161 IN THIS AGE WHERE EVERYTHING IS 571 00:26:34,228 --> 00:26:35,728 FAKE NEWS AND PEOPLE DON'T READ 572 00:26:35,794 --> 00:26:36,961 THE NEWS ANYWAY, THEY DON'T KNOW 573 00:26:37,028 --> 00:26:39,761 WHAT'S GOING ON, THE COIN OF THE 574 00:26:39,828 --> 00:26:42,061 REALM, WHAT PEOPLE LATCH ONTO 575 00:26:42,128 --> 00:26:43,528 HIS AUTHENTICITY. 576 00:26:43,594 --> 00:26:46,195 NOT MANY HAVE REAL AUTHENTICITY. 577 00:26:46,262 --> 00:26:49,328 BERNIE SANDERS DID. 578 00:26:55,061 --> 00:26:55,628 HE ALWAYS LOOKED LIKE A GUY WHO 579 00:26:55,694 --> 00:26:56,262 WORKED IN A LITTLE OFFICE WHERE 580 00:26:56,328 --> 00:27:02,128 THE ROOF LEAKED. 581 00:27:04,828 --> 00:27:06,995 "I FINISHED MY SOUP, THREE 582 00:27:07,061 --> 00:27:12,028 TIMES." 583 00:27:12,594 --> 00:27:15,128 AND YOU KNOW IF HE BECAME 584 00:27:15,195 --> 00:27:16,128 PRESIDENT, NOTHING WOULD HAVE 585 00:27:16,195 --> 00:27:16,528 CHANGED. 586 00:27:16,594 --> 00:27:18,161 HE'D WALK INTO THE OVAL OFFICE, 587 00:27:18,228 --> 00:27:19,428 HE'D BE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING ON 588 00:27:19,495 --> 00:27:22,328 HIS DESK IT WOULD BE A MESS. 589 00:27:22,395 --> 00:27:24,961 "I'VE GOT A SYSTEM, IT'S IN HERE 590 00:27:25,028 --> 00:27:25,895 SOMEWHERE." 591 00:27:25,961 --> 00:27:27,794 HALF OF AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH 592 00:27:27,861 --> 00:27:32,095 DOWN THERE AND A CAT. 593 00:27:32,161 --> 00:27:33,728 THE QUEEN WOULD COME FOR A STATE 594 00:27:33,794 --> 00:27:34,528 VISIT, HE WOULD HAVE TO MOVE 595 00:27:34,594 --> 00:27:37,262 BOXES OFF THE COUCH. 596 00:27:37,328 --> 00:27:41,028 "DARLING, SIT, DARLING! 597 00:27:41,095 --> 00:27:44,028 IT'S OUR BUSY SEASON! 598 00:27:44,095 --> 00:27:48,661 WOULD YOU LIKE HALF OF AN EGG 599 00:27:48,728 --> 00:27:50,228 SALAD SANDWICH? 600 00:27:50,295 --> 00:27:53,128 "THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE WANT. 601 00:27:53,195 --> 00:27:53,928 THE OTHER GUY WHO HAD 602 00:27:53,995 --> 00:27:55,861 AUTHENTICITY, I WILL GIVE HIM 603 00:27:55,928 --> 00:27:57,895 THAT. 604 00:27:57,961 --> 00:28:00,262 DONALD TRUMP IS AUTHENTICALLY A 605 00:28:00,328 --> 00:28:02,395 DUES 606 00:28:02,462 --> 00:28:06,128 DUES BAG DUES BAG FROM QUEENS. 607 00:28:06,195 --> 00:28:07,095 HE DOESN'T WANT TO HIDE IT, IT 608 00:28:07,161 --> 00:28:09,694 WORKS FOR HIM. 609 00:28:09,761 --> 00:28:10,761 HE IS LIKE ONE OF US, HE'S A 610 00:28:10,828 --> 00:28:13,328 REAL AMERICAN. 611 00:28:13,395 --> 00:28:14,995 HE'S FAT, HE EATS SHIT, HE PLAYS 612 00:28:15,061 --> 00:28:18,061 WITH HIS PHONE ALL DAY AND ALL 613 00:28:18,128 --> 00:28:18,462 NIGHT. 614 00:28:18,528 --> 00:28:25,128 WHAT IS WITH THE 3:00 A.M. BITCH 615 00:28:25,195 --> 00:28:25,395 TWEETING? 616 00:28:25,462 --> 00:28:27,462 WHAT IS GOING ON AT 3:00 A.M.? 617 00:28:27,528 --> 00:28:31,128 IS THAT A POOP TWEET? 618 00:28:31,195 --> 00:28:33,428 IS THAT WHEN THE METAMUCIL KICKS 619 00:28:33,495 --> 00:28:38,328 IN? 620 00:28:38,395 --> 00:28:39,928 IS THAT HOW HE GETS TO SLEEP? 621 00:28:39,995 --> 00:28:41,728 THAT WOULD BE REALLY SICK 622 00:28:41,794 --> 00:28:43,128 BECAUSE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO 623 00:28:43,195 --> 00:28:44,462 SOMETHING CALM AND BEFORE YOU GO 624 00:28:44,528 --> 00:28:47,428 TO BED AND HIS TWEETS AT 625 00:28:47,495 --> 00:28:49,861 3:00 A.M., "YOU'RE LOSING, 626 00:28:49,928 --> 00:28:54,928 YOU'RE A DISASTER, I HATE YOU." 627 00:28:54,995 --> 00:28:56,528 YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING 628 00:28:56,594 --> 00:28:58,694 CALL MEGAN MEDITATIVE, I 629 00:28:58,761 --> 00:29:00,462 JERK OFF. 630 00:29:00,528 --> 00:29:07,128 NOTICE I HAD TO SWITCH THE MIC 631 00:29:07,195 --> 00:29:07,495 HAND, JUST TO 632 00:29:07,561 --> 00:29:08,928 A SIMULATED 633 00:29:08,995 --> 00:29:09,961 APPARENTLY, THAT'S HOW SERIOUS I 634 00:29:10,028 --> 00:29:14,495 AM ABOUT MASTURBATION. 635 00:29:20,061 --> 00:29:20,628 I MUST TELL YOU FOLKS, YOU'RE A 636 00:29:20,694 --> 00:29:25,128 BEAUTIFUL CROWD. 637 00:29:25,661 --> 00:29:28,228 I'M GOING TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU 638 00:29:28,295 --> 00:29:29,028 YOU. 639 00:29:29,095 --> 00:29:31,095 I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU AS A 640 00:29:31,161 --> 00:29:32,828 COMEDIAN I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT 641 00:29:32,895 --> 00:29:34,028 MASTURBATION ON STAGE FOR A LONG 642 00:29:34,095 --> 00:29:34,861 TIME. 643 00:29:34,928 --> 00:29:35,661 THE LAST YEAR, THE FIRST TIME IN 644 00:29:35,728 --> 00:29:38,195 MY LIFE, I HAVE TO SPELL IT 645 00:29:38,262 --> 00:29:44,694 OUT -- I WAS ALONE. 646 00:29:44,761 --> 00:29:46,395 I JUST ASSUMED EVERYBODY KNEW 647 00:29:46,462 --> 00:29:52,495 MASTURBATION YOU WERE ALONE. 648 00:29:52,561 --> 00:29:52,995 WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? 649 00:29:53,061 --> 00:29:56,928 I USED TO SAY I DON'T UNDERSTAND 650 00:29:56,995 --> 00:29:58,328 WOMEN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND MEN. 651 00:29:58,395 --> 00:29:59,295 MASTURBATING IN FRONT OF 652 00:29:59,362 --> 00:29:59,561 SOMEBODY? 653 00:29:59,628 --> 00:30:05,928 I CAN'T P IN FRONT OF SOMEBODY. 654 00:30:05,995 --> 00:30:08,228 WHEN THAT THIS TREND TO START? 655 00:30:08,295 --> 00:30:11,528 WHAT MOVE IS THIS? 656 00:30:11,594 --> 00:30:12,594 THE DATE DIDN'T GO QUITE THE WAY 657 00:30:12,661 --> 00:30:18,694 I WANTED TO BUT SHE'S IN THE 658 00:30:18,761 --> 00:30:22,095 ROOM, I'M GOING TO TAKE MY DICK 659 00:30:22,161 --> 00:30:25,928 OUT, SO I KIND OF GOT LAID? 660 00:30:26,428 --> 00:30:34,794 IT'S LIKE A GAME HE ENGULFED? 661 00:30:34,861 --> 00:30:38,128 GIMME IN GOLF. 662 00:30:38,195 --> 00:30:39,028 I HOPE WOMEN KNOW THERE ARE A 663 00:30:39,095 --> 00:30:40,728 LOT OF MEN WHO ARE VERY HAPPY 664 00:30:40,794 --> 00:30:41,362 FOR YOU THAT THIS RECKONING 665 00:30:41,428 --> 00:30:45,561 FINALLY CAME ABOUT. 666 00:30:46,594 --> 00:30:47,528 THAT YOUR LIVES WILL ALWAYS BE 667 00:30:47,594 --> 00:30:52,528 BETTER FOR IT, IT'S TRUE. 668 00:30:52,594 --> 00:30:53,395 I ALWAYS HATED BULLIES. 669 00:30:53,462 --> 00:30:57,528 BULLIES OF ANY KIND. 670 00:30:57,594 --> 00:30:58,928 SEXUAL HARASSMENT, IS JUST A 671 00:30:58,995 --> 00:30:59,495 PARTICULARLY ODIOUS KIND OF 672 00:30:59,561 --> 00:31:00,628 BULLYING AND ITS GREAT ALL MEN, 673 00:31:00,694 --> 00:31:02,895 NOT JUST THE RICH AND FAMOUS 674 00:31:02,961 --> 00:31:05,528 ANYMORE, EVERY MAN IS ON NOTICE. 675 00:31:05,594 --> 00:31:12,895 YOU'RE PLAYING WITH FIVE FOULS. 676 00:31:12,961 --> 00:31:14,362 BUT I MUST TELL YOU I TOOK A 677 00:31:14,428 --> 00:31:16,228 LITTLE INFORMAL POLL RECENTLY 678 00:31:16,295 --> 00:31:25,495 AND THE PENIS IS STILL POPULAR. 679 00:31:25,561 --> 00:31:27,961 THE PENIS HAS DONE SOME VERY BAD 680 00:31:28,028 --> 00:31:29,362 THINGS, VERY BAD THINGS, 681 00:31:29,428 --> 00:31:31,928 TERRIBLE THINGS. 682 00:31:36,861 --> 00:31:38,728 BUT LADIES, YOU STILL WANT SOME 683 00:31:38,794 --> 00:31:39,295 DICK EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, 684 00:31:39,362 --> 00:31:41,528 DON'T YOU? 685 00:31:41,594 --> 00:31:42,561 WE WANT TO BE PART OF THE 686 00:31:42,628 --> 00:31:44,228 SOLUTION AND WE NEED TO BE PART 687 00:31:44,295 --> 00:31:45,061 OF THE SOLUTION THAT'S WHAT I 688 00:31:45,128 --> 00:31:48,195 SAY ABOUT THE PENIS, MENDED, 689 00:31:48,262 --> 00:31:52,828 DON'T END IT. 690 00:31:52,895 --> 00:31:56,028 GOT EVERYBODY A LITTLE SLACK 691 00:31:56,095 --> 00:31:57,694 BECAUSE THE ROMANCE GAME IS A 692 00:31:57,761 --> 00:32:00,161 LITTLE TOUCHY, IT'S NOT EXACTLY 693 00:32:00,228 --> 00:32:05,195 ALWAYS EASY TO DEFINE. 694 00:32:05,262 --> 00:32:07,228 PASSION AND POLITICAL 695 00:32:07,295 --> 00:32:10,128 CORRECTNESS ARE NOT NATURAL 696 00:32:10,195 --> 00:32:10,628 ALLIES. 697 00:32:10,694 --> 00:32:15,262 NO ONE IN BED WANTS TO HEAR 698 00:32:15,328 --> 00:32:18,395 "WHO'S YOUR COEQUAL PARTNER?" 699 00:32:18,462 --> 00:32:22,495 NOBODY, RIGHT? 700 00:32:32,128 --> 00:32:32,694 LIBERALS HAVE THE HIGH GROUND ON 701 00:32:32,761 --> 00:32:33,295 THIS ISSUE, LET'S NOT VEER OFF 702 00:32:33,362 --> 00:32:33,861 AS LIBERALS SO OFTEN DO INTO 703 00:32:33,928 --> 00:32:34,495 THAT WEIRD PLACE WHERE WE LOOK 704 00:32:34,561 --> 00:32:37,161 RIDICULOUS. 705 00:32:37,228 --> 00:32:37,828 OKAY? 706 00:32:37,895 --> 00:32:40,694 IT'S ALREADY HAPPENED. 707 00:32:40,761 --> 00:32:42,028 MATT DAMON FAMOUSLY SAID I THINK 708 00:32:42,095 --> 00:32:43,528 WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT THERE'S A 709 00:32:43,594 --> 00:32:47,895 DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PAT ON THE 710 00:32:47,961 --> 00:32:49,594 ASS AND RATE, THERE WAS A BIG 711 00:32:49,661 --> 00:32:50,594 LIBERAL BACKLASH, NO WE DON'T 712 00:32:50,661 --> 00:32:54,528 AGREE WITH THAT. 713 00:32:54,594 --> 00:32:56,395 THIS IS ONE REASON WHY WE LOSE 714 00:32:56,462 --> 00:32:56,661 ELECTIONS. 715 00:32:56,728 --> 00:33:00,295 THIS IS ONE REASON. 716 00:33:00,362 --> 00:33:01,895 IN 2016, THE DEMOCRATS AND 717 00:33:01,961 --> 00:33:02,528 REPUBLICANS PLAYED A LITTLE GAME 718 00:33:02,594 --> 00:33:05,095 OF CHICKEN WITH EACH OTHER. 719 00:33:05,161 --> 00:33:06,628 AND THE DEMOCRATS SAID TO 720 00:33:06,694 --> 00:33:08,995 REPUBLICANS, YOU CANNOT BE SO 721 00:33:09,061 --> 00:33:11,395 STUPID AS TO VOTE FOR 722 00:33:11,462 --> 00:33:11,728 DONALD TRUMP. 723 00:33:11,794 --> 00:33:14,995 AND THEY SAID DON'T EVER TELL US 724 00:33:15,061 --> 00:33:18,561 HOW STUPID WE CAN BE. 725 00:33:21,761 --> 00:33:22,495 BUT, THEY HAD A PRETTY GOOD 726 00:33:22,561 --> 00:33:25,295 ANSWER WHICH WAS WE GET THAT 727 00:33:25,362 --> 00:33:27,262 COME UP DONALD TRUMP IS CRAZY 728 00:33:27,328 --> 00:33:29,061 BUT IF YOU THINK WHAT MATT DAMON 729 00:33:29,128 --> 00:33:30,428 SAID IS THE LEAST BIT 730 00:33:30,495 --> 00:33:32,861 CONTROVERSIAL OR IF YOU THINK 731 00:33:32,928 --> 00:33:34,061 THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES IS 732 00:33:34,128 --> 00:33:35,061 INSUFFICIENTLY FEMINIST OR YOU 733 00:33:35,128 --> 00:33:37,362 THINK ISLAM HAS NOTHING TO DO 734 00:33:37,428 --> 00:33:39,161 WITH ISLAMIC TERRORISM, OR YOU 735 00:33:39,228 --> 00:33:40,961 LOSE YOUR SHIT 18 WHITE GIRL 736 00:33:41,028 --> 00:33:45,694 DRESSES UP AS POCAHONTAS ON 737 00:33:45,761 --> 00:33:47,495 HALLOWEEN, THEN YOU'RE CRAZY TOO 738 00:33:47,561 --> 00:33:49,095 AND WE CAN'T TRUST YOUR 739 00:33:49,161 --> 00:33:49,395 JUDGMENT. 740 00:33:49,462 --> 00:33:52,628 AND THAT SHIT HAS TO STOP. 741 00:33:52,694 --> 00:33:54,895 WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT SHIT 742 00:33:54,961 --> 00:33:55,395 ANYMORE. 743 00:33:55,462 --> 00:33:59,728 I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, 744 00:33:59,794 --> 00:34:01,428 DONALD TRUMP IS RIGHT ABOUT ONE 745 00:34:01,495 --> 00:34:02,228 THING. 746 00:34:02,295 --> 00:34:03,628 THE ELECTIONS IN THIS COUNTRY 747 00:34:03,694 --> 00:34:05,694 ARE RIGGED EXCEPT THEY ARE 748 00:34:05,761 --> 00:34:08,295 RIGGED AGAINST US. 749 00:34:08,362 --> 00:34:08,761 GERRYMANDERING, VOTER 750 00:34:08,828 --> 00:34:11,961 SUPPRESSION, THE ELECTORAL 751 00:34:12,028 --> 00:34:15,195 COLLEGE, PUTIN COUNTING THE 752 00:34:15,262 --> 00:34:19,794 VOTES. 753 00:34:19,861 --> 00:34:21,594 THIS THING IN PRESIDENTIAL 754 00:34:21,661 --> 00:34:25,495 ELECTIONS WHERE WE WIN THE MOST 755 00:34:25,561 --> 00:34:26,794 VOTES AND THEY GET TO BE 756 00:34:26,861 --> 00:34:29,895 PRESIDENT, THAT'S GOT TO STOP. 757 00:34:37,262 --> 00:34:38,995 AL GORE WON BY 500,000 VOTES AND 758 00:34:39,061 --> 00:34:40,095 DIDN'T BECOME PRESIDENT, HILLARY 759 00:34:40,161 --> 00:34:43,462 WON BY 3 MILLION. 760 00:34:43,528 --> 00:34:45,928 EVEN KIM JONG UN IS LIKE THAT'S 761 00:34:45,995 --> 00:34:50,794 FUCKED UP. 762 00:34:50,861 --> 00:34:51,395 THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE SOUNDS 763 00:34:51,462 --> 00:34:52,928 LIKE, THAT IS A DEAD ON 764 00:34:52,995 --> 00:34:56,061 KIM JONG UN. 765 00:34:56,928 --> 00:34:57,694 I STILL HAVE REPUBLICANS COMING 766 00:34:57,761 --> 00:34:58,961 ON MY SHOW, WE DON'T KNOW IF IT 767 00:34:59,028 --> 00:35:02,594 AFFECTED THE ELECTION. 768 00:35:02,661 --> 00:35:06,262 DON'T KNOW IF IT AFFECTED THE 769 00:35:06,328 --> 00:35:06,528 ELECTION? 770 00:35:06,594 --> 00:35:09,228 DOES CHRIS CHRISTIE EAT OVER THE 771 00:35:09,295 --> 00:35:14,262 SINK? 772 00:35:14,794 --> 00:35:21,161 DURING THE CAMPAIGN, 773 00:35:21,228 --> 00:35:26,395 DONALD TRUMP'S -- HE HAS TWO 774 00:35:26,462 --> 00:35:26,961 GROWN SONS, DUES BAG DUES 775 00:35:27,028 --> 00:35:39,961 DOUCN 776 00:35:40,028 --> 00:35:44,495 FUCK FACE. 777 00:35:44,561 --> 00:35:46,095 DONNIE DICK FACE GETS THIS EMAIL 778 00:35:46,161 --> 00:35:47,262 THAT SAYS WE HAVE DIRT ON 779 00:35:47,328 --> 00:35:51,462 HILLARY, SIGNED RUSSIA. 780 00:35:51,528 --> 00:35:56,262 AND HE EMAILS BACK, "I LOVE IT." 781 00:35:56,328 --> 00:35:59,495 IT'S GAME OVER THERE, ISN'T IT? 782 00:35:59,561 --> 00:36:00,561 IF YOU SEND ME AN EMAIL THAT 783 00:36:00,628 --> 00:36:00,794 SAYS I 784 00:36:00,861 --> 00:36:06,661 I HAVE SOME FANTASTIC 785 00:36:06,728 --> 00:36:08,728 KIDDIE PORN AND I EMAILED BACK 786 00:36:08,794 --> 00:36:10,961 "I LOVE IT." 787 00:36:11,028 --> 00:36:11,594 , I THINK THAT'S WHEN I KNOCK 788 00:36:11,661 --> 00:36:15,128 K 789 00:36:15,195 --> 00:36:18,694 ON YOUR DOOR. 790 00:36:18,761 --> 00:36:20,195 THEIR SHAMELESSNESS IS SO 791 00:36:20,262 --> 00:36:21,661 ASTOUNDING, THE WAY THEY WILL 792 00:36:21,728 --> 00:36:23,462 TELL A LIE AND BEFORE THE NEXT 793 00:36:23,528 --> 00:36:24,661 NEWS CYCLE THEY WILL HAVE A 794 00:36:24,728 --> 00:36:25,761 COMPLETELY NEW LYING AND DON'T 795 00:36:25,828 --> 00:36:26,462 APOLOGIZE FOR THE LAST ONE, THEY 796 00:36:26,528 --> 00:36:29,061 WILL BE LIKE THERE WAS NO 797 00:36:29,128 --> 00:36:31,228 MEETING, OKAY THERE WAS A 798 00:36:31,295 --> 00:36:32,495 MEETING. 799 00:36:32,561 --> 00:36:34,661 NO RUSSIANS, OKAY THERE WERE ONE 800 00:36:34,728 --> 00:36:36,995 RUSSIANS, SORRY I MISSED SPOKE, 801 00:36:37,061 --> 00:36:39,095 THREE RUSSIANS, FIVE RUSSIANS 802 00:36:39,161 --> 00:36:40,028 WERE AT THE MEETING AND THAT IS, 803 00:36:40,095 --> 00:36:42,228 EIGHT RUSSIANS. 804 00:36:42,295 --> 00:36:44,262 THERE WERE EIGHT RUSSIANS AT THE 805 00:36:44,328 --> 00:36:45,995 MEETING. 806 00:36:46,061 --> 00:36:48,262 AND THE BALLET. 807 00:36:48,328 --> 00:36:51,728 AND DR. ZHIVAGO AND THE CREW OF 808 00:36:51,794 --> 00:37:00,728 THE RED OCTOBER. 809 00:37:00,794 --> 00:37:01,395 YOU WOULD HAVE TO HOLD A MEETING 810 00:37:01,462 --> 00:37:01,961 IN A STEAM ROOM TO HAVE MORE 811 00:37:02,028 --> 00:37:05,661 RUSSIANS INVOLVED. 812 00:37:05,728 --> 00:37:06,895 OKAY, WE HAD A MEETING BUT IT 813 00:37:06,961 --> 00:37:10,262 WAS JUST ABOUT ADOPTIONS. 814 00:37:10,328 --> 00:37:13,661 YES, WE ARE ALL BIG FANS OF 815 00:37:13,728 --> 00:37:15,462 ANNIE, IT WAS JUST ABOUT 816 00:37:15,528 --> 00:37:16,095 ADOPTIONS. 817 00:37:16,161 --> 00:37:18,195 WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT THE 818 00:37:18,262 --> 00:37:18,462 ELECTION. 819 00:37:18,528 --> 00:37:20,594 ALL RIGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THE 820 00:37:20,661 --> 00:37:23,462 ELECTION. 821 00:37:23,528 --> 00:37:24,462 ALL RIGHT, NO COLLUSION. 822 00:37:24,528 --> 00:37:25,794 OKAY THERE WAS POLLUTION. 823 00:37:25,861 --> 00:37:28,861 BUT NO CRIMINAL COLLUSION. 824 00:37:28,928 --> 00:37:30,462 OKAY CRIMINAL COLLUSION BUT THIS 825 00:37:30,528 --> 00:37:31,794 IT REALLY SUCH A CRIME? 826 00:37:31,861 --> 00:37:32,395 THAT'S WHERE THEY ARE, THAT'S 827 00:37:32,462 --> 00:37:34,928 WITH A WHOLE REPUBLICAN PARTY 828 00:37:34,995 --> 00:37:35,262 IS. 829 00:37:35,328 --> 00:37:36,428 IS IT REALLY SUCH A CRIME TO 830 00:37:36,495 --> 00:37:38,861 COMMIT A CRIME? 831 00:37:38,928 --> 00:37:41,161 THEY ARE ON THE SIDE OF CRIME. 832 00:37:43,161 --> 00:37:45,395 THAT'S THE WHOLE PARTY, THE 833 00:37:45,462 --> 00:37:46,095 WHOLE PARTY. 834 00:37:46,161 --> 00:37:48,161 IT'S NOT JUST THE CLOWN, IT'S 835 00:37:48,228 --> 00:37:51,861 THE CIRCUS, DON'T FORGET THAT. 836 00:37:51,928 --> 00:37:53,061 DONALD TRUMP COULD NOT BE WHERE 837 00:37:53,128 --> 00:37:55,428 HE IS WITHOUT ALL OF HIS 838 00:37:55,495 --> 00:37:58,061 ENABLERS. 839 00:37:58,128 --> 00:37:59,594 I HAVE GIVEN UP ASKING THE 840 00:37:59,661 --> 00:38:00,161 QUESTION WHAT HAS TO HAPPEN 841 00:38:00,228 --> 00:38:05,161 BEFORE THEY GIVE UP -- NOTHING. 842 00:38:05,228 --> 00:38:08,061 DONALD TRUMP COULD TWEET TONIGHT 843 00:38:08,128 --> 00:38:13,895 OBAMA IS HIDING UNDER MY BED. 844 00:38:15,228 --> 00:38:15,728 AND ON MONDAY SARAH HUCKABEE 845 00:38:15,794 --> 00:38:18,128 SANDERS WOULD SAY MANY 846 00:38:18,195 --> 00:38:20,694 PRESIDENTS HAVE HAD THEIR 847 00:38:20,761 --> 00:38:22,628 PREDECESSORS HIDE UNDER THEIR 848 00:38:22,694 --> 00:38:24,594 BEDS. 849 00:38:24,661 --> 00:38:26,895 MARTIN VAN BUREN WAS UNDER 850 00:38:26,961 --> 00:38:27,728 WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON'S BED FOR 851 00:38:27,794 --> 00:38:32,161 TWO YEARS FROM 1837 TO 1839. 852 00:38:32,228 --> 00:38:35,528 GROVER CLEVELAND WAS UNDER THE 853 00:38:35,594 --> 00:38:38,061 BED. 854 00:38:41,895 --> 00:38:43,428 OF ALL THE ENABLERS THAT GET 855 00:38:43,495 --> 00:38:44,995 UNDER MY SKIN, THE ONE I HATE 856 00:38:45,061 --> 00:38:49,561 THE MOST, MIKE PENCE. 857 00:38:50,095 --> 00:38:54,694 SUPER CHRISTIAN. 858 00:38:54,761 --> 00:38:55,828 MONITORS ALL OF DONALD TRUMP'S 859 00:38:55,895 --> 00:38:57,594 SLIME BECAUSE HE LOOKS SO 860 00:38:57,661 --> 00:38:58,761 CHRISTIAN. 861 00:38:58,828 --> 00:39:02,061 HE'S BEYOND CHRISTIAN, LIFE 862 00:39:02,128 --> 00:39:10,761 BEGINS AT DIRECTION. 863 00:39:10,828 --> 00:39:13,895 ERECTION. 864 00:39:13,961 --> 00:39:14,895 HE LIVES BY SOMETHING THEY CALL 865 00:39:14,961 --> 00:39:17,262 THE BILLY GRAHAM RULE, HE WILL 866 00:39:17,328 --> 00:39:19,495 NEVER GO TO ANY FUNCTION, PARTY, 867 00:39:19,561 --> 00:39:20,928 WHERE THERE IS ALCOHOL BEING 868 00:39:20,995 --> 00:39:23,128 SERVED IF HIS WIFE IS NOT WITH 869 00:39:23,195 --> 00:39:24,995 HIM. 870 00:39:25,061 --> 00:39:25,161 WHY? 871 00:39:25,228 --> 00:39:29,495 BECAUSE THE OTHER CHICKS WOULD 872 00:39:29,561 --> 00:39:31,861 BUM 873 00:39:32,928 --> 00:39:34,861 IT WOULD BE LIKE TUPAC AND 95. 874 00:39:34,928 --> 00:39:37,328 THEY WOULD BE BLOWING HIM ON THE 875 00:39:37,395 --> 00:39:45,362 DANCE FLOOR. 876 00:39:45,694 --> 00:39:49,995 I JUST WANT TO SAY, THIS IS 877 00:39:50,061 --> 00:39:50,462 IMPORTANT. 878 00:39:50,561 --> 00:39:51,694 I'M NEVER GOING TO BE THE 879 00:39:51,761 --> 00:39:53,128 COMEDIAN WHO STOPS THE SHOW AND 880 00:39:53,195 --> 00:39:55,861 THIS IS SERIOUS, BUT THIS IS 881 00:39:55,928 --> 00:39:58,661 SERIOUS. 882 00:39:58,995 --> 00:40:01,728 A SMALL LIGHTING CHANGE, PERFECT 883 00:40:01,794 --> 00:40:04,061 PERFECT. 884 00:40:04,928 --> 00:40:06,061 WHEN I TOOK THE S.A.T.s, I 885 00:40:06,128 --> 00:40:06,728 DON'T KNOW IF THEY STILL HAVE 886 00:40:06,794 --> 00:40:10,395 THIS QUESTION, THERE WAS A 887 00:40:10,462 --> 00:40:12,262 SECTION CALLED CHOOSE THE BEST 888 00:40:12,328 --> 00:40:13,861 ANSWER, THERE WERE NEVER AN 889 00:40:13,928 --> 00:40:14,628 ANSWER THAT FITS PERFECTLY, THEY 890 00:40:14,694 --> 00:40:16,228 WERE TRYING TO TEACH YOU 891 00:40:16,295 --> 00:40:17,262 SOMETHING, SOMETIMES THERE ISN'T 892 00:40:17,328 --> 00:40:18,628 A PERFECT ANSWER YOU CHOOSE THE 893 00:40:18,694 --> 00:40:20,828 BEST ANSWER. 894 00:40:20,895 --> 00:40:22,061 WHEN PEOPLE SAY MIKE PENCE WOULD 895 00:40:22,128 --> 00:40:23,228 BE WORSE, I IMPLORE YOU TO 896 00:40:23,295 --> 00:40:27,295 RECONSIDER THAT. 897 00:40:27,362 --> 00:40:28,995 MIKE PENCE IS THE KIND OF 898 00:40:29,061 --> 00:40:29,794 LOATHSOME CHRISTIAN HYPOCRITE 899 00:40:29,861 --> 00:40:31,228 THAT IF I DIDN'T HATE RELIGION 900 00:40:31,295 --> 00:40:36,462 ALREADY, I WOULD START. 901 00:40:37,995 --> 00:40:41,328 BUT MIKE PENCE IS NOT TRYING TO 902 00:40:41,395 --> 00:40:44,462 BECOME A DICTATOR. 903 00:40:44,528 --> 00:40:46,428 MIKE PENCE DOES NOT TALK ABOUT 904 00:40:46,495 --> 00:40:47,861 LOCKING UP JOURNALISTS AND 905 00:40:47,928 --> 00:40:49,794 POLITICAL OPPONENTS, HE CAN NAME 906 00:40:49,861 --> 00:40:51,128 ALL THREE BRANCHES OF 907 00:40:51,195 --> 00:40:53,661 GOVERNMENT. 908 00:40:57,628 --> 00:40:59,295 HE IS WITHIN THE NORMAL 909 00:40:59,362 --> 00:41:02,561 PARAMETERS OF REPUBLICAN OFFAL. 910 00:41:02,628 --> 00:41:06,362 HE IS NOT THE HEAD OF A CRIME 911 00:41:06,428 --> 00:41:07,794 FAMILY, HE DOES NOT SEE THINGS 912 00:41:07,861 --> 00:41:08,728 THAT DON'T EXIST IF YOU DON'T 913 00:41:08,794 --> 00:41:12,661 COUNT JESUS. 914 00:41:13,861 --> 00:41:14,761 HE DOESN'T WANT TO DESTROY 915 00:41:14,828 --> 00:41:18,528 GOVERNMENT FROM WITHIN. 916 00:41:18,594 --> 00:41:22,761 SCOTT PRUITT WAS ESSENTIALLY THE 917 00:41:22,828 --> 00:41:23,561 HEAD OF THE POLLUTION PROTECTION 918 00:41:23,628 --> 00:41:26,061 AGENCY. 919 00:41:28,895 --> 00:41:29,861 BESIDES BEING THE GREATEST SCAM 920 00:41:29,928 --> 00:41:34,061 ARTIST I HAVE EVER SEEN, I 921 00:41:34,128 --> 00:41:35,728 REALLY THINK SCOTT PRUITT MIGHT 922 00:41:35,794 --> 00:41:37,728 BE THREE RACCOONS UNDER A 923 00:41:37,794 --> 00:41:39,661 TRENCHCOAT. 924 00:41:40,262 --> 00:41:45,528 IT MIGHT NOT EVEN BE A HUMAN. 925 00:41:45,594 --> 00:41:49,262 BESIDES THAT, HE WAS A COAL 926 00:41:49,328 --> 00:41:50,495 LOBBYIST AS THE HEAD OF THE EPA, 927 00:41:50,561 --> 00:41:52,661 THE ATTORNEY GENERAL IS A 928 00:41:52,728 --> 00:41:57,061 CONFEDERATE SOLDIER. 929 00:42:02,961 --> 00:42:05,028 THE SECRETARY OF EDUCATION IS 930 00:42:05,095 --> 00:42:08,295 MENTALLY CHALLENGED. 931 00:42:16,861 --> 00:42:19,328 RICK PERRY -- 932 00:42:21,928 --> 00:42:22,995 TEXAS PEOPLE, YOU'RE VERY PROUD, 933 00:42:23,061 --> 00:42:26,095 I CAN SEE. 934 00:42:26,161 --> 00:42:27,462 RICK PERRY RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 935 00:42:27,528 --> 00:42:30,995 2012 ON A PLATFORM OF HE WANTED 936 00:42:31,061 --> 00:42:31,895 TO ELIMINATE THREE GOVERNMENT 937 00:42:31,961 --> 00:42:34,061 DEPARTMENTS OF WHICH HE COULD 938 00:42:34,128 --> 00:42:35,628 NAME TWO. 939 00:42:35,694 --> 00:42:37,128 I DON'T THINK HE GETS THE CREDIT 940 00:42:37,195 --> 00:42:40,428 HE DESERVES FOR BEING ABLE TO 941 00:42:40,495 --> 00:42:43,661 NAME ALMOST 67% OF THE 942 00:42:43,728 --> 00:42:45,028 DEPARTMENTS HE HIMSELF WANTED TO 943 00:42:45,095 --> 00:42:46,061 ELIMINATE. 944 00:42:46,128 --> 00:42:47,594 THE ONE HE COULD NOT REMEMBER? 945 00:42:47,661 --> 00:42:49,095 WAS THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY 946 00:42:49,161 --> 00:42:52,794 WHICH HE IS NOW THE HEAD OF. 947 00:42:52,861 --> 00:42:55,861 THAT IS SOME PERFORMANCE ART. 948 00:42:55,928 --> 00:42:57,362 THAT IS A SKIP PAST TROLLING, 949 00:42:57,428 --> 00:43:00,028 THAT IS PERFORMANCE ART. 950 00:43:00,095 --> 00:43:03,061 WHEN HE TOOK THE JOB, HE DID NOT 951 00:43:03,128 --> 00:43:03,628 KNOW WHAT THE DEPARTMENT OF 952 00:43:03,694 --> 00:43:04,228 ENERGY DID. 953 00:43:04,295 --> 00:43:06,495 IT'S IN CHARGE OF THE NUCLEAR 954 00:43:06,561 --> 00:43:08,528 WEAPONS, HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT. 955 00:43:08,594 --> 00:43:10,228 THAT'S WHY OBAMA'S SECRETARY OF 956 00:43:10,295 --> 00:43:11,362 ENERGY IT WAS A NOBEL 957 00:43:11,428 --> 00:43:12,528 PRIZE-WINNING PHYSICIST. 958 00:43:12,594 --> 00:43:13,794 RICK PERRY? 959 00:43:13,861 --> 00:43:17,594 THIS IS NOT A JOKE, RICK PERRY 960 00:43:17,661 --> 00:43:22,628 HAS A BA AND ANIMAL HUSBANDRY. 961 00:43:22,694 --> 00:43:23,228 REALLY, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A 962 00:43:23,295 --> 00:43:25,828 CENTRIFUGE IS. 963 00:43:25,895 --> 00:43:28,462 BUT HE CAN JERK OFF A HORSE. 964 00:43:31,228 --> 00:43:31,928 REALLY? 965 00:43:31,995 --> 00:43:35,161 THAT GUY? 966 00:43:35,228 --> 00:43:38,728 WHAT CAN I SAY? 967 00:43:38,794 --> 00:43:41,828 DEMOCRATS, WE'VE JUST GOT TO WIN 968 00:43:41,895 --> 00:43:41,995 WIN. 969 00:43:42,061 --> 00:43:44,462 WE CAN'T BLOW ANYMORE ELECTIONS. 970 00:43:47,195 --> 00:43:49,628 NEXT TIME A LITTLE MORE ABOUT 971 00:43:49,694 --> 00:43:51,462 WERE GOING TO BRING YOUR JOBS 972 00:43:51,528 --> 00:43:52,228 BACK AND A LITTLE LESS ABOUT 973 00:43:52,295 --> 00:43:56,328 WERE GOING TO MAKE YOU PEE NEXT 974 00:43:56,395 --> 00:43:59,561 TO A GUY IN A DRESS, NOT THAT I 975 00:43:59,628 --> 00:44:04,228 CARE. 976 00:44:04,295 --> 00:44:04,895 I'M TOTALLY ON THE PAGE WITH THE 977 00:44:04,961 --> 00:44:05,462 TRANSGENDER, I DOWN WITH YOU 978 00:44:05,528 --> 00:44:05,661 GUYS. 979 00:44:05,728 --> 00:44:07,328 I GET IT, SOMETIMES THE 980 00:44:07,395 --> 00:44:09,362 EQUIPMENT DOESN'T MATCH THE 981 00:44:09,428 --> 00:44:12,728 GENDER. 982 00:44:12,794 --> 00:44:13,262 IT'S COUNTERINTUITIVE BUT 983 00:44:13,328 --> 00:44:13,861 SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT 984 00:44:13,928 --> 00:44:15,395 AND SOMETIMES YOU DON'T. 985 00:44:15,462 --> 00:44:18,628 I GET IT. 986 00:44:18,694 --> 00:44:22,828 BUT I ALSO KNOW NORMAL WOMEN 987 00:44:22,895 --> 00:44:25,895 WHEN I GO TO THE BATHROOM, IT'S 988 00:44:25,961 --> 00:44:27,661 AN INTIMATE PLACE, I WANT TO 989 00:44:27,728 --> 00:44:29,828 KNOW IF THERE'S A PENIS ON DECK. 990 00:44:29,895 --> 00:44:30,961 I'M TALKING ABOUT WOMEN WITH 991 00:44:31,028 --> 00:44:34,362 VAGINAS, OLD SCHOOL. 992 00:44:34,428 --> 00:44:38,228 WOMEN CLASSIC, I CALL THEM. 993 00:44:39,095 --> 00:44:40,861 IF ANY OF YOU LADIES STILL HAVE 994 00:44:40,928 --> 00:44:43,895 YOUR ORIGINAL VAGINAS, HANG ONTO 995 00:44:43,961 --> 00:44:46,328 THOSE THINGS, THEY ARE GOING TO 996 00:44:46,395 --> 00:44:49,028 BE VALUABLE SOMEDAY. 997 00:44:49,095 --> 00:44:50,028 HANG ONTO ANYTHING LONG ENOUGH 998 00:44:50,095 --> 00:44:56,061 AND IT WILL COME BACK IN STYLE. 999 00:44:56,128 --> 00:44:58,128 TRUMP WON THAT ELECTION ON JOBS, 1000 00:44:58,195 --> 00:44:58,761 OF COURSE HE WAS LYING BECAUSE 1001 00:44:58,828 --> 00:45:04,262 HIS MOUTH WAS MOVING AND THERE 1002 00:45:04,328 --> 00:45:07,628 WASN'T MEAT IN IT. 1003 00:45:07,694 --> 00:45:09,161 THAT WAS THE WHOLE THING, 1004 00:45:09,228 --> 00:45:12,428 MEXICANS ARE STEALING YOUR JOB. 1005 00:45:12,495 --> 00:45:14,794 MEXICANS ARE NOT STEALING YOUR 1006 00:45:14,861 --> 00:45:16,128 JOBS, ROBOTS ARE STEALING YOUR 1007 00:45:16,195 --> 00:45:16,328 JOBS. 1008 00:45:18,262 --> 00:45:23,028 AND IF THEY EVER COME UP WITH A 1009 00:45:23,095 --> 00:45:24,761 MEXICAN ROBOT, WE ARE REALLY 1010 00:45:24,828 --> 00:45:27,262 FUCKED. 1011 00:45:29,895 --> 00:45:31,661 WHOEVER TOLD THESE "REAL 1012 00:45:31,728 --> 00:45:33,428 AMERICANS" THAT THE GOVERNMENT 1013 00:45:33,495 --> 00:45:35,195 WAS AN EMPLOYMENT AGENCY ANYWAY? 1014 00:45:35,262 --> 00:45:38,428 THERE'S NO MORE GIGS FOR LIFE. 1015 00:45:38,495 --> 00:45:40,028 THOSE DAYS ARE OVER. 1016 00:45:40,095 --> 00:45:48,961 THE ONLY GIGS FOR LIFE, POPE, 6A 1017 00:45:49,028 --> 00:45:51,195 FLIGHT ATTENDANT ON ANY MAJOR 1018 00:45:51,262 --> 00:45:51,961 AIRLINE. 1019 00:45:52,028 --> 00:45:54,428 THOSE GIRLS ARE OLD. 1020 00:45:54,495 --> 00:46:00,428 THEY CALL ME SUNNY. 1021 00:46:00,495 --> 00:46:01,895 THERE IS SOME SENIORITY SYSTEM 1022 00:46:01,961 --> 00:46:03,228 GOING ON THAT UNITED AIRLINES, 1023 00:46:03,295 --> 00:46:05,594 I'M ALWAYS LIKE CAN I GET A HOT 1024 00:46:05,661 --> 00:46:07,328 TOWEL WHEN YOU WAKE UP FROM YOUR 1025 00:46:07,395 --> 00:46:07,495 NAP? 1026 00:46:07,561 --> 00:46:15,028 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 1027 00:46:16,395 --> 00:46:21,328 IN MY VIEW, AMERICA DOESN'T EVEN 1028 00:46:21,395 --> 00:46:22,428 HAVE THE ISSUE WE SPENT SO MUCH 1029 00:46:22,495 --> 00:46:23,828 TIME ON, WE DON'T EVEN HAVE AN 1030 00:46:23,895 --> 00:46:26,395 IMMIGRATION PROBLEM. 1031 00:46:26,462 --> 00:46:28,028 WE HAVE A "MY LIFE DIDN'T TURN 1032 00:46:28,095 --> 00:46:30,295 OUT THE WAY I WANT IT TO SO I 1033 00:46:30,362 --> 00:46:33,895 BLAME OTHER PEOPLE" PROBLEM. 1034 00:46:33,961 --> 00:46:42,428 THAT WE HAVE. 1035 00:46:42,495 --> 00:46:44,428 THE GREATEST CON THE REPUBLICANS 1036 00:46:44,495 --> 00:46:46,028 EVER PULLED ON WORKING-CLASS 1037 00:46:46,095 --> 00:46:47,228 AMERICANS WAS CONVINCING THEM 1038 00:46:47,295 --> 00:46:47,995 THAT IT WAS THE IMMIGRANTS AND 1039 00:46:48,061 --> 00:46:51,362 THE SINGLE MOM WHO ARE BLOCKING 1040 00:46:51,428 --> 00:46:55,228 THEIR WAY TO THE AMERICAN DREAM. 1041 00:46:55,295 --> 00:46:56,028 REMEMBER THE TAKERS? 1042 00:46:56,095 --> 00:46:57,661 THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T PAY ANY 1043 00:46:57,728 --> 00:46:58,328 INCOME TAX, THAT'S WHO HAS ALL 1044 00:46:58,395 --> 00:47:02,328 THE MONEY, THE PEOPLE WITH NO 1045 00:47:02,395 --> 00:47:04,861 MONEY! 1046 00:47:05,761 --> 00:47:07,628 THE PEOPLE WHO USE THEIR FOOD 1047 00:47:07,694 --> 00:47:09,428 STAMPS TO BUY DRUGS, I LOVE THAT 1048 00:47:09,495 --> 00:47:11,428 ONE, THAT ALWAYS MAKES ME LAUGH 1049 00:47:11,495 --> 00:47:12,628 BECAUSE I KNOW THAT ONE FROM 1050 00:47:12,694 --> 00:47:14,528 BOTH SIDES. 1051 00:47:14,594 --> 00:47:17,428 I HAVE BEEN POOR AND I HAVE BEEN 1052 00:47:17,495 --> 00:47:21,528 A DRUG DEALER. 1053 00:47:21,594 --> 00:47:26,028 WE DON'T TAKE FOOD STAMPS. 1054 00:47:26,095 --> 00:47:28,628 WE DON'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT, 1055 00:47:28,694 --> 00:47:29,228 THAT'S JUST OUR POLICY AND I 1056 00:47:29,295 --> 00:47:36,395 DON'T THINK IT'S CHANGED. 1057 00:47:36,462 --> 00:47:38,495 AMERICA AS YOU WELL KNOW HAS 1058 00:47:38,561 --> 00:47:39,495 ZERO TOLERANCE FOR DRUGS AND 1059 00:47:39,561 --> 00:47:41,995 INFINITY TOLERANCE FOR GUNS. 1060 00:47:42,061 --> 00:47:45,228 I KNOW I'M IN OKLAHOMA SO I'M 1061 00:47:45,295 --> 00:47:46,395 GOING TO COVER MYSELF RIGHT 1062 00:47:46,462 --> 00:47:49,694 AWAY, AND SAY I AM A GUN OWNER, 1063 00:47:49,761 --> 00:47:53,694 I'M JUST NOT A GUN LOVER. 1064 00:47:53,761 --> 00:47:56,095 OKAY? 1065 00:47:58,694 --> 00:48:00,928 I DON'T TAKE PICTURES WITH IT, I 1066 00:48:00,995 --> 00:48:01,628 DON'T POLISH IT. 1067 00:48:01,694 --> 00:48:04,828 I DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR WITH IT. 1068 00:48:04,895 --> 00:48:08,295 I DON'T TAKE IT ON DATES TO 1069 00:48:08,362 --> 00:48:09,028 CHIPOTLE. 1070 00:48:09,095 --> 00:48:10,228 COME ON, HONEY, I'M GOING TO 1071 00:48:10,295 --> 00:48:13,028 SHOW YOU OFF TO THE FELLAS AT 1072 00:48:13,095 --> 00:48:16,295 HOME DEPOT. 1073 00:48:17,895 --> 00:48:19,395 THAT'S ONE OF THE BIG PROBLEMS 1074 00:48:19,462 --> 00:48:20,395 IS PSYCHOLOGICAL WITH GUNS. 1075 00:48:20,462 --> 00:48:22,794 WE LOVE THEM TOO MUCH. 1076 00:48:22,861 --> 00:48:26,128 EVERY YEAR, SOMEBODY -- THEY 1077 00:48:26,195 --> 00:48:27,661 KEEP A REGISTRY OF THE NAMES 1078 00:48:27,728 --> 00:48:29,828 THAT PARENTS ARE GIVING THEIR 1079 00:48:29,895 --> 00:48:31,395 NEWBORNS AND IN THE LAST FIVE 1080 00:48:31,462 --> 00:48:33,462 YEARS, PARENTS HAVE BEEN NAMING 1081 00:48:33,528 --> 00:48:34,928 KIDS GUN NAMES. 1082 00:48:34,995 --> 00:48:38,594 THEY'VE BEEN NAMING KIDS THINGS 1083 00:48:38,661 --> 00:48:41,395 LIKE PISTOL, SHOOTER, MAGNUM, 1084 00:48:41,462 --> 00:48:43,828 REMINGTON -- THIS IS SICK, 1085 00:48:43,895 --> 00:48:47,828 LIBERALS DON'T DO THIS, LIBERALS 1086 00:48:47,895 --> 00:48:49,828 DON'T NAME THEIR KIDS PREVIOUS 1087 00:48:49,895 --> 00:48:55,228 AND JUICER. 1088 00:48:55,295 --> 00:48:59,628 YOU KNOW MY BOY KALE, DON'T YOU? 1089 00:48:59,694 --> 00:49:07,794 HE'S A STRAPPING YOUNG LAD. 1090 00:49:07,861 --> 00:49:08,761 BUT HONESTLY WE DON'T EVER HAVE 1091 00:49:08,828 --> 00:49:10,628 A LOT OF MOVEMENT ON THE GUN 1092 00:49:10,694 --> 00:49:12,828 ISSUE BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE AN 1093 00:49:12,895 --> 00:49:13,628 ANTIGUN PARTY WE HAVE 1094 00:49:13,694 --> 00:49:15,195 REPUBLICANS WHO LOVE GUNS AND 1095 00:49:15,262 --> 00:49:17,195 DEMOCRATS LOVE THEM SLIGHTLY 1096 00:49:17,262 --> 00:49:18,395 LESS. 1097 00:49:18,462 --> 00:49:19,061 EVERY DEBATE BEGINS WITH AT 1098 00:49:19,128 --> 00:49:20,428 LEAST WE CAN ALL AGREE WE NEED 1099 00:49:20,495 --> 00:49:21,561 SOME GUNS TO GO OUT IN THE WOODS 1100 00:49:21,628 --> 00:49:24,528 AND MORTAR ANIMALS. 1101 00:49:24,594 --> 00:49:26,828 BECAUSE WE ARE SPORTSMEN. 1102 00:49:26,895 --> 00:49:27,061 ARE YOU? 1103 00:49:27,128 --> 00:49:28,362 ARE YOU REALLY? 1104 00:49:28,428 --> 00:49:31,694 IS IT A SPORT IF ONE TEAM 1105 00:49:31,761 --> 00:49:33,895 DOESN'T KNOW THE GAME IS GOING 1106 00:49:33,961 --> 00:49:36,462 ON? 1107 00:49:36,995 --> 00:49:45,928 I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S A SPORT. 1108 00:49:45,995 --> 00:49:49,195 YOU SAW THAT ASSHOLE WITH A 1109 00:49:49,262 --> 00:49:50,828 GIRAFFE A COUPLE DAYS AGO, DID 1110 00:49:50,895 --> 00:49:54,228 YOU WANT TO STRANGLE HER? 1111 00:49:54,295 --> 00:49:55,528 THESE AFRICAN COUNTRIES, THEY 1112 00:49:55,594 --> 00:49:57,561 WILL SELL PERMITS TO GO AND 1113 00:49:57,628 --> 00:49:59,262 SHOOT THESE MAJESTIC ENDANGERED 1114 00:49:59,328 --> 00:50:00,895 BEASTS AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE 1115 00:50:00,961 --> 00:50:01,128 EXCUSES? 1116 00:50:01,195 --> 00:50:02,495 THEY SAY WE ALLOW YOU TO SHOOT 1117 00:50:02,561 --> 00:50:06,128 THESE ANIMALS BUT ONLY THE 1118 00:50:06,195 --> 00:50:09,928 OLDER, NONREADING MALES. 1119 00:50:09,995 --> 00:50:13,794 I TAKE THIS VERY PERSONALLY. 1120 00:50:14,128 --> 00:50:15,628 I DON'T THINK THIS IS A SLIPPERY 1121 00:50:15,694 --> 00:50:18,661 SLOPE THAT WE WANT TO GO DOWN. 1122 00:50:18,728 --> 00:50:20,362 I THINK THOSE ARE THE MOST 1123 00:50:20,428 --> 00:50:22,728 CONTRIBUTING PEOPLE IN SOCIETY 1124 00:50:22,794 --> 00:50:26,195 AND BEYOND THAT I HAVE TO SAY, 1125 00:50:26,262 --> 00:50:30,628 TURNING 60 IS -- WAS HARD ENOUGH 1126 00:50:30,694 --> 00:50:31,028 ENOUGH. 1127 00:50:31,095 --> 00:50:32,262 FIRST OF ALL WHEN I'M DRIVING TO 1128 00:50:32,328 --> 00:50:35,895 WORK AND I'M LOOKING FOR IT NOW, 1129 00:50:35,961 --> 00:50:38,594 I NEVER SEE PEOPLE MY AGE OUT. 1130 00:50:38,661 --> 00:50:40,628 IS THAT GUY? 1131 00:50:40,694 --> 00:50:41,328 NO. 1132 00:50:41,395 --> 00:50:49,561 WERE THEY ALL RAPTURE? 1133 00:50:49,628 --> 00:50:51,428 WERE ALLOWED TO BE OUT AT 60. 1134 00:50:51,495 --> 00:50:54,428 THE ONLY PLACE I SEE PEOPLE MY 1135 00:50:54,495 --> 00:50:58,028 AGE ARE IN CIALIS COMMERCIALS. 1136 00:50:58,095 --> 00:50:59,095 WHICH I THINK ARE VERY OBNOXIOUS 1137 00:50:59,161 --> 00:51:02,395 BECAUSE IT'S ALL THIS PRESSURE. 1138 00:51:02,462 --> 00:51:05,561 WILL YOU BE READY? 1139 00:51:05,628 --> 00:51:10,628 "WILL BE READY? 1140 00:51:10,694 --> 00:51:11,928 POST QUOTE NO WONDER GUYS HAVE 1141 00:51:11,995 --> 00:51:17,561 HEART ATTACKS AT 49, THEY HAVE 1142 00:51:17,628 --> 00:51:21,161 TO WORRY IF THE RAPTURE COMES, 1143 00:51:21,228 --> 00:51:22,262 THEY HAVE TO WORRY IF I HAVE A 1144 00:51:22,328 --> 00:51:23,462 HARD ON. 1145 00:51:23,528 --> 00:51:24,794 IF ONE OF THE RAPTURE COMES 1146 00:51:24,861 --> 00:51:26,428 WHILE I'M FUCKING YOU? 1147 00:51:26,495 --> 00:51:29,161 THEY WILL NEVER TAKE ME IF I'M 1148 00:51:29,228 --> 00:51:32,961 BALLS DEEP IN YOU. 1149 00:51:33,028 --> 00:51:38,395 THAT SMARMY VOICE OVER, ONE LOOK 1150 00:51:38,462 --> 00:51:39,095 CAN TURN THE ORDINARY INTO 1151 00:51:39,161 --> 00:51:42,028 SOMETHING MORE. 1152 00:51:42,095 --> 00:51:43,528 AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF 1153 00:51:43,594 --> 00:51:47,594 MARRIAGE, ONE LOOK? 1154 00:51:48,095 --> 00:51:51,594 YES, SO BE READY, HAVE WOULD TO, 1155 00:51:51,661 --> 00:51:53,395 OKAY. 1156 00:51:53,462 --> 00:51:55,628 TAKE THE FOUR OUR PILL, NOW THEY 1157 00:51:55,694 --> 00:51:57,594 HAVE VIAGRA FOR EVERYDAY USE. 1158 00:51:57,661 --> 00:51:59,861 JUST KEEP IT HARD, SHE WILL LET 1159 00:51:59,928 --> 00:52:02,362 YOU KNOW, SHE WILL GIVE YOU THE 1160 00:52:02,428 --> 00:52:04,961 LOOK. 1161 00:52:05,028 --> 00:52:06,961 YOU CAN SEE THIS IN THE 1162 00:52:07,028 --> 00:52:07,895 COMMERCIAL BECAUSE THEY NEVER 1163 00:52:07,961 --> 00:52:14,794 JUST GET RIGHT TO BONING, THEY 1164 00:52:14,861 --> 00:52:15,362 DO STROLLING AND SON EGG AND 1165 00:52:15,428 --> 00:52:16,561 SHOPPING AND CANOODLING. 1166 00:52:16,628 --> 00:52:21,995 IS IT THIS MUCH WORK TO FUCK 1167 00:52:22,061 --> 00:52:22,594 YOUR OWN WIFE? 1168 00:52:22,661 --> 00:52:23,528 I'M SORRY I NEVER GOT ON BOARD 1169 00:52:23,594 --> 00:52:26,195 WITH THAT. 1170 00:52:26,262 --> 00:52:28,395 I SWEAR TO GOD THAT THERE'S ONE 1171 00:52:28,462 --> 00:52:31,594 WHERE THE COUPLE IS PUTTING THE 1172 00:52:31,661 --> 00:52:33,728 FINISHING TOUCHES ON A BIRDHOUSE 1173 00:52:33,794 --> 00:52:36,794 TOGETHER. 1174 00:52:39,128 --> 00:52:42,628 THERE LIKE "OH, IT'S ON." 1175 00:52:42,694 --> 00:52:45,161 AS SOON AS WE FINISH THIS 1176 00:52:45,228 --> 00:52:48,228 BIRDHOUSE. 1177 00:52:48,295 --> 00:52:49,728 I THINK I JUST GOT -- IS THAT 1178 00:52:49,794 --> 00:52:53,028 NOT THE LOOK? 1179 00:52:53,095 --> 00:52:54,928 I'M GONNA FUCK THE WHOLE IN THIS 1180 00:52:54,995 --> 00:53:03,928 BIRDHOUSE IN A MINUTE. 1181 00:53:03,995 --> 00:53:06,028 I AM NOT AGAINST MARRIAGE, I 1182 00:53:06,095 --> 00:53:08,195 HAVE NOT. 1183 00:53:08,262 --> 00:53:09,561 I'M AGAINST MARRIAGE FOR ME BUT 1184 00:53:09,628 --> 00:53:12,428 THIS IS A VERY PERSONAL ISSUE, I 1185 00:53:12,495 --> 00:53:13,228 GET IT. 1186 00:53:13,295 --> 00:53:14,694 SOME PEOPLE WOULD BE LOST 1187 00:53:14,761 --> 00:53:15,828 WITHOUT THEIR SPOUSE, I KNOW 1188 00:53:15,895 --> 00:53:16,661 GUYS WHO HATE IT WHEN THEIR WIFE 1189 00:53:16,728 --> 00:53:19,161 IS OUT OF TOWN. 1190 00:53:19,228 --> 00:53:21,794 ONE GUY, OKAY. 1191 00:53:21,861 --> 00:53:23,861 YOU HAD TO BUST ME ON THAT SO 1192 00:53:23,928 --> 00:53:24,561 QUICKLY? 1193 00:53:24,628 --> 00:53:26,895 ONE GUY, BUT HE'S SINCERE ABOUT 1194 00:53:26,961 --> 00:53:29,828 IT. 1195 00:53:30,161 --> 00:53:34,362 THERE IS THIS MEME, IS THIS A 1196 00:53:34,428 --> 00:53:34,561 MEAN? 1197 00:53:34,628 --> 00:53:38,262 I THINK THIS IS A MEAN, HAPPY 1198 00:53:38,328 --> 00:53:41,794 WIFE, HAPPY LIFE. 1199 00:53:41,861 --> 00:53:42,594 IT SOUNDS SO SWEET BUT IT'S 1200 00:53:42,661 --> 00:53:44,161 REALLY A THREAT. 1201 00:53:44,228 --> 00:53:48,228 THAT'S A NICE LIFE YOU GOT 1202 00:53:48,295 --> 00:53:48,861 THERE, SHAME IF ANYTHING WERE TO 1203 00:53:48,928 --> 00:53:52,462 HAPPEN TO IT. 1204 00:53:52,528 --> 00:53:53,495 SO I THINK YOU DO WANT TO GO TO 1205 00:53:53,561 --> 00:53:55,128 THE STORE AND PICK UP THOSE 1206 00:53:55,195 --> 00:54:01,928 ITEMS, I THOUGHT YOU DID. 1207 00:54:01,995 --> 00:54:03,995 THE OTHER MARRIAGE CLICHE I 1208 00:54:04,061 --> 00:54:06,395 LOVE, CELEBRITIES LOVE TO SAY 1209 00:54:06,462 --> 00:54:07,895 IT, WHAT'S THE SECRET TO YOUR 1210 00:54:07,961 --> 00:54:08,161 MARRIAGE? 1211 00:54:08,228 --> 00:54:13,328 THE GUY ALWAYS SAYS SHE KEEPS ME 1212 00:54:13,395 --> 00:54:14,961 GROUNDED. 1213 00:54:15,028 --> 00:54:18,295 I WAS DOING ALL OF THIS SOARING, 1214 00:54:18,362 --> 00:54:22,295 LUCKILY I GOT THIS BITCH TO 1215 00:54:22,362 --> 00:54:23,328 REMIND ME THAT I'M NOT ALL THAT, 1216 00:54:23,395 --> 00:54:28,462 SO THAT'S GREAT. 1217 00:54:31,195 --> 00:54:35,561 I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW A COUPLE 1218 00:54:35,628 --> 00:54:38,528 YEARS AGO OUR FRIENDS AT PFIZER 1219 00:54:38,594 --> 00:54:40,528 CAME OUT WITH LADY VIAGRA THAT 1220 00:54:40,594 --> 00:54:43,462 WOULD EVEN THINGS OUT WHICH IS 1221 00:54:43,528 --> 00:54:44,594 SILLY ON A NUMBER OF LEVELS. 1222 00:54:44,661 --> 00:54:46,661 FIRST OF ALL, EVEN THINGS OUT, 1223 00:54:46,728 --> 00:54:47,794 WOMEN AS WE ALL KNOW HAVE GOTTEN 1224 00:54:47,861 --> 00:54:52,628 A RAW DEAL THROUGHOUT HISTORY IN 1225 00:54:52,694 --> 00:54:53,161 ALMOST EVERY CIVILIZATION 1226 00:54:53,228 --> 00:54:56,528 INCLUDING UP UNTIL TODAY, THE 1227 00:54:56,594 --> 00:54:59,095 ONE AREA WHERE THEY GOT LUCKY 1228 00:54:59,161 --> 00:55:02,594 AND DON'T NEED EVENING OUT WAS 1229 00:55:02,661 --> 00:55:02,995 SEX. 1230 00:55:03,061 --> 00:55:07,794 MULTIPLE ORGASMS, YOU WIN. 1231 00:55:07,861 --> 00:55:09,628 YOU HAVE A MACHINE GUN, WE HAVE 1232 00:55:09,694 --> 00:55:11,928 A MUSKET. 1233 00:55:18,462 --> 00:55:21,728 DON'T EVEN ASK ABOUT TRYING TO 1234 00:55:21,794 --> 00:55:22,495 RELOAD THAT THING. 1235 00:55:22,828 --> 00:55:28,228 WITH THE POWDER AND THE... 1236 00:55:28,295 --> 00:55:28,995 HAVE THE TIME IT BLOWS UP IN 1237 00:55:29,061 --> 00:55:35,828 YOUR FACE. 1238 00:55:38,462 --> 00:55:39,262 NOT JUST MULTIPLE ORGASMS, 1239 00:55:39,328 --> 00:55:42,395 MULTIPLE ZONES. 1240 00:55:42,462 --> 00:55:43,928 WOMEN HAVE A VAGINA, AND A CLIT, 1241 00:55:43,995 --> 00:55:48,694 AND A G SPOT, THE G SPOT? 1242 00:55:48,761 --> 00:55:51,395 THEY ONLY FOUND IT DID 1985, 1243 00:55:51,462 --> 00:55:53,594 THAT'S HOW COMPLICATED WOMEN 1244 00:55:53,661 --> 00:55:54,195 ARE, THEY'RE STILL DISCOVERING 1245 00:55:54,262 --> 00:55:55,794 SHIT IN THE 80s. 1246 00:55:55,861 --> 00:55:59,028 IF THEY CAME TO ME IN 1985 AND 1247 00:55:59,095 --> 00:56:03,561 SAID "WE'VE DETECTED A THIRD 1248 00:56:03,628 --> 00:56:10,828 BALL THAT I THINK... 1249 00:56:10,895 --> 00:56:14,295 "I'M SURE WHEN I WAS TAKING OFF 1250 00:56:14,362 --> 00:56:14,928 THAT LIST OF EROGENOUS ZONES I'M 1251 00:56:14,995 --> 00:56:15,528 SURE AT LEAST SOME OF YOU OUT 1252 00:56:15,594 --> 00:56:17,495 THERE WERE SAYING COME ON, WHAT 1253 00:56:17,561 --> 00:56:20,728 ABOUT THE ASSHOLE? 1254 00:56:20,794 --> 00:56:24,628 WE TALKED ABOUT HIM THE WHOLE 1255 00:56:24,694 --> 00:56:27,995 FIRST HALF OF THE SHOW. 1256 00:56:29,061 --> 00:56:31,228 IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, 1257 00:56:31,295 --> 00:56:31,594 DONALD TRUMP. 1258 00:56:31,661 --> 00:56:34,995 THIS IS ABOUT ME. 1259 00:56:35,061 --> 00:56:37,794 I MUST SAY, I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS 1260 00:56:37,861 --> 00:56:38,195 AGE. 1261 00:56:38,262 --> 00:56:39,628 FIRST OF ALL, I THOUGHT WHEN YOU 1262 00:56:39,694 --> 00:56:41,895 GOT TO THIS AGE IT WAS ALL ABOUT 1263 00:56:41,961 --> 00:56:42,328 A BUCKET LIST. 1264 00:56:42,395 --> 00:56:44,761 I HAVE NO BUCKET LIST. 1265 00:56:44,828 --> 00:56:47,628 NOT THAT I'VE DONE ANYTHING, 1266 00:56:47,694 --> 00:56:48,262 I'VE DONE A LOT OF THIS BECAUSE 1267 00:56:48,328 --> 00:56:51,794 I LIKE THIS. 1268 00:56:51,861 --> 00:56:52,995 ANYTHING I HAVEN'T DONE, I COULD 1269 00:56:53,061 --> 00:56:57,594 GIVE A FUCK. 1270 00:56:58,462 --> 00:57:03,195 I NEVER WENT SKIING, GOOD. 1271 00:57:03,262 --> 00:57:04,395 IT'S COLD AND I DIDN'T DIE ON 1272 00:57:04,462 --> 00:57:07,828 THE TREE, FANTASTIC. 1273 00:57:07,895 --> 00:57:09,828 I NEVER TOOK A DANGEROUS 1274 00:57:09,895 --> 00:57:10,694 VACATION TO SOME DUSTY PLACE 1275 00:57:10,761 --> 00:57:11,895 WHERE PEOPLE COULD TAKE A 1276 00:57:11,961 --> 00:57:16,328 CHICKEN ON A BUS, GOOD. 1277 00:57:16,395 --> 00:57:24,628 I'VE NEVER SEEN BREAKING BAD. 1278 00:57:25,995 --> 00:57:32,362 BUT I'M OTHERWISE A GOOD PERSON. 1279 00:57:32,428 --> 00:57:34,628 ALSO, I HAVE NEVER TO THE BEST 1280 00:57:34,694 --> 00:57:36,761 OF MY KNOWLEDGE I HAVE NEVER 1281 00:57:36,828 --> 00:57:39,228 FUCKED A REPUBLICAN. 1282 00:57:39,295 --> 00:57:42,661 TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE. 1283 00:57:44,661 --> 00:57:46,395 I DON'T MIND FUCKING YOUR BRAINS 1284 00:57:46,462 --> 00:57:48,328 OUT, I'M NOT GOING TO FUCK THEM 1285 00:57:48,395 --> 00:57:50,828 IN. 1286 00:57:52,895 --> 00:57:54,628 OF COURSE, THE BIG ONE, I NEVER 1287 00:57:54,694 --> 00:57:58,328 HAD CHILDREN, THAT'S A PERSONAL 1288 00:57:58,395 --> 00:57:59,995 CHOICE. 1289 00:58:00,061 --> 00:58:01,061 IT'S PERSONAL, THERE IS NO MORAL 1290 00:58:01,128 --> 00:58:06,228 DIMENSION TO IT, ICED, I GET IT, 1291 00:58:06,295 --> 00:58:07,794 PEOPLE STILL LIKE CHILDREN 1292 00:58:07,861 --> 00:58:09,195 THEY ARE VERY POPULAR. 1293 00:58:09,262 --> 00:58:10,295 JUST DON'T DEPUTIZE ME IN YOUR 1294 00:58:10,362 --> 00:58:13,395 BATTLE WITH PARENTING. 1295 00:58:14,061 --> 00:58:16,395 IF I DO A DRUG JOKE I DON'T WANT 1296 00:58:16,462 --> 00:58:17,728 TO GIVE MESSAGES FROM PEOPLE 1297 00:58:17,794 --> 00:58:20,161 YOU'RE GIVING A BAD MESSAGE TO 1298 00:58:20,228 --> 00:58:21,794 CHILDREN. 1299 00:58:21,861 --> 00:58:26,228 FIRST OF ALL, FUCK CHILDREN. 1300 00:58:26,295 --> 00:58:28,195 WE DIDN'T USE TO ORGANIZE OUR 1301 00:58:28,262 --> 00:58:30,428 LIVES ON WHAT CHILDREN MIGHT GET 1302 00:58:30,495 --> 00:58:30,961 INTO. 1303 00:58:31,028 --> 00:58:33,961 I FULLY ENDORSE YOU KEEPING ME 1304 00:58:34,028 --> 00:58:35,161 AWAY FROM CHILDREN. 1305 00:58:35,228 --> 00:58:36,761 YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SMARTER 1306 00:58:36,828 --> 00:58:38,961 THAN THEM, KEEP YOUR GUNS AND/OR 1307 00:58:39,028 --> 00:58:40,694 DRUGS AND YOUR SEX TOYS AND BILL 1308 00:58:40,761 --> 00:58:46,861 MAHER AWAY FROM YOUR CHILDREN. 1309 00:58:50,694 --> 00:58:52,794 I HAVE SET UP MY LIFE IN SUCH A 1310 00:58:52,861 --> 00:58:54,794 WAY THAT I NEVER HAVE TO TALK TO 1311 00:58:54,861 --> 00:58:57,428 OR IN ANY WAY INTERACT WITH A 1312 00:58:57,495 --> 00:59:00,028 CHILD. 1313 00:59:03,694 --> 00:59:04,262 BUT WHAT I OCCASIONALLY SEE OF 1314 00:59:04,328 --> 00:59:07,161 IT LOOKS LIKE A NIGHTMARE. 1315 00:59:07,228 --> 00:59:08,995 WHERE DID PARENTS GET THIS IDEA 1316 00:59:09,061 --> 00:59:09,728 THEY HAVE TO NEGOTIATE WITH 1317 00:59:09,794 --> 00:59:11,128 THEIR KIDS ABOUT EVERYTHING? 1318 00:59:11,195 --> 00:59:19,628 I ALWAYS SEE "HEY BUDDY." 1319 00:59:19,694 --> 00:59:20,262 YOU'RE READY TO GO? 1320 00:59:20,328 --> 00:59:31,594 HOW ABOUT TO GET IN FUCKING CAR? 1321 00:59:31,661 --> 00:59:34,195 ALSO, EVERY PARENT I KNOW IS 1322 00:59:34,262 --> 00:59:36,928 ALWAYS SICK, SNIFFLING, COLD, 1323 00:59:36,995 --> 00:59:40,328 FLU, YEAH, BECAUSE OF KIDS. 1324 00:59:40,395 --> 00:59:43,128 THEY BRING DISEASE, THEY BRING 1325 00:59:43,195 --> 00:59:47,895 DRUGS, THEIR RAPISTS, AND SOME I 1326 00:59:47,961 --> 00:59:51,395 ASSUME ARE GOOD PEOPLE. 1327 00:59:55,428 --> 00:59:57,594 I WAS A FREE RANGE CHILD. 1328 00:59:57,661 --> 01:00:01,395 WE GREW UP ON TAP WATER, 1329 01:00:01,462 --> 01:00:08,528 BALONEY, AND RED DYE NUMBER TWO 1330 01:00:08,594 --> 01:00:09,161 SEAT BELTS WERE COMPLETELY 1331 01:00:09,228 --> 01:00:11,528 OPTIONAL, HELMETS, LET'S SAY THE 1332 01:00:11,594 --> 01:00:13,462 KIDS WHO WORE HELMETS WENT TO A 1333 01:00:13,528 --> 01:00:17,295 DIFFERENT SCHOOL. 1334 01:00:17,362 --> 01:00:22,328 AND I AM SO GLAD FOR MY "LEAVE 1335 01:00:22,395 --> 01:00:22,861 IT TO BEAVER" UPBRINGING. 1336 01:00:22,928 --> 01:00:24,462 I'M GLAD WHEN I WAS A KID THERE 1337 01:00:24,528 --> 01:00:27,995 WAS NO PORN ON THE PHONE. 1338 01:00:28,061 --> 01:00:29,495 NO WONDER THE KIDS ARE FUCKED 1339 01:00:29,561 --> 01:00:29,661 UP. 1340 01:00:29,728 --> 01:00:32,028 ALL OF MY FORMATIVE YEARS, ALL 1341 01:00:32,095 --> 01:00:39,128 OF THE MASTURBATION TOOK PLACE 1342 01:00:39,195 --> 01:00:39,928 WITHOUT ANY VISUAL AID 1343 01:00:39,995 --> 01:00:40,328 WHATSOEVER. 1344 01:00:40,395 --> 01:00:44,128 I HAD I DREAM OF JEANNIE ONCE A 1345 01:00:44,195 --> 01:00:46,794 WEEK AND A LITTLE ADDED MY 1346 01:00:46,861 --> 01:00:48,228 SISTER'S TEEN BEAT MAGAZINE TO 1347 01:00:48,295 --> 01:00:50,995 INCREASE YOUR BUST SIZE, ALL OF 1348 01:00:51,061 --> 01:00:54,462 MY EARLY WHACK -- 1349 01:00:54,528 --> 01:00:57,095 I DID IT AGAIN. 1350 01:01:06,594 --> 01:01:07,195 ALL OF MY EARLY WHACK AND WAS IN 1351 01:01:07,262 --> 01:01:07,828 THE DARK UNDER THE COVERS IN MY 1352 01:01:07,895 --> 01:01:08,028 MIND. 1353 01:01:08,095 --> 01:01:08,895 SCENARIOS, IMAGES, MEMORIES, 1354 01:01:08,961 --> 01:01:11,495 THAT'S WHAT MADE ME THE MAN I AM 1355 01:01:11,561 --> 01:01:14,728 TODAY. 1356 01:01:14,794 --> 01:01:15,761 I READ ALL OF THESE REVELATIONS 1357 01:01:15,828 --> 01:01:17,794 THAT COME OUT FROM THE #MeToo 1358 01:01:17,861 --> 01:01:20,728 STUFF AND I'M LIKE I MUST HAVE 1359 01:01:20,794 --> 01:01:23,128 GROWN UP IN THE LAND THAT TIME 1360 01:01:23,195 --> 01:01:24,761 FORGOT. 1361 01:01:24,828 --> 01:01:26,195 EVEN IN MY FANTASIES I SWEAR TO 1362 01:01:26,262 --> 01:01:28,694 GOD, THERE'S NO WEIRDNESS. 1363 01:01:28,761 --> 01:01:31,061 EVEN IN MY FANTASY, I DON'T WANT 1364 01:01:31,128 --> 01:01:37,928 TO FUCK ANYBODY IN THE ASS. 1365 01:01:37,995 --> 01:01:39,594 THAT'S WHERE THE SHIT COMES OUT, 1366 01:01:39,661 --> 01:01:41,761 ARE YOU PEOPLE NUTS? 1367 01:01:41,828 --> 01:01:43,728 I DON'T WANT TO PLAY IN YOUR 1368 01:01:43,794 --> 01:01:44,995 ASS, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY IN 1369 01:01:45,061 --> 01:01:47,228 YOUR FEET, I DON'T WANT TO COME 1370 01:01:47,295 --> 01:01:47,861 ON YOUR FACE, I DON'T WANT TO 1371 01:01:47,928 --> 01:01:50,061 CHOKE YOU. 1372 01:01:50,128 --> 01:01:53,895 SHE CAN'T BREATHE, SEXY. 1373 01:01:53,961 --> 01:01:54,528 WHAT'S? 1374 01:01:54,594 --> 01:01:55,761 I DON'T WANT TO ROLE-PLAY, I 1375 01:01:55,828 --> 01:01:58,195 DON'T WANT TO DRESS UP AS A 1376 01:01:58,262 --> 01:02:01,262 MONEY. 1377 01:02:01,328 --> 01:02:03,295 DOESN'T ANYBODY JUST FUCK 1378 01:02:03,362 --> 01:02:04,495 ANYMORE? 1379 01:02:04,561 --> 01:02:05,428 I HAVE HAD THE SAME BASIC 1380 01:02:05,528 --> 01:02:08,528 FANTASY SINCE I WAS 11 YEARS 1381 01:02:08,594 --> 01:02:08,694 OLD. 1382 01:02:08,761 --> 01:02:15,528 A SUPER HOT CHICK LOVES ME AND I 1383 01:02:15,594 --> 01:02:18,928 MEAN FUCKING LOVES ME AND MY 1384 01:02:18,995 --> 01:02:21,761 DICK IS LIKE CRACK TO HER, THE 1385 01:02:21,828 --> 01:02:22,462 END. 1386 01:02:22,528 --> 01:02:28,861 THAT'S IT. 1387 01:02:29,195 --> 01:02:32,362 WHEN I LOST MY VIRGINITY AT THE 1388 01:02:32,428 --> 01:02:36,262 AGE OF 16 AND 1972, THEY HAD NOT 1389 01:02:36,328 --> 01:02:40,328 YET INVENTED THE SHAVEN PUSSY. 1390 01:02:40,395 --> 01:02:41,395 I WAS TELLING THIS RECENTLY TO 1391 01:02:41,462 --> 01:02:45,495 THIS MILLENNIAL KID AND IT BLEW 1392 01:02:45,561 --> 01:02:46,628 HIS MIND. 1393 01:02:46,694 --> 01:02:48,728 I SHOULD'VE GIVEN A TRIGGER 1394 01:02:48,794 --> 01:02:50,128 WARNING. 1395 01:02:50,195 --> 01:02:52,228 IT BLEW HIS MIND, HE'S LIKE 1396 01:02:52,295 --> 01:02:53,761 THAT'S AMAZING BECAUSE LOSING 1397 01:02:53,828 --> 01:02:54,328 YOUR VIRGINITY IS CONFUSING 1398 01:02:54,395 --> 01:02:56,694 ENOUGH AS IT IS. 1399 01:02:56,761 --> 01:02:58,761 I WAS LIKE TELL ME ABOUT IT, I 1400 01:02:58,828 --> 01:03:03,228 REMEMBER LOOKING DOWN IT WAS 1401 01:03:03,295 --> 01:03:09,028 LIKE -- IT LOOKED LIKE A BEETLE 1402 01:03:09,095 --> 01:03:11,095 WIG. 1403 01:03:11,594 --> 01:03:12,328 I REMEMBER THINKING I KNOW 1404 01:03:12,395 --> 01:03:17,495 WHAT'S AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE. 1405 01:03:17,561 --> 01:03:20,462 THAT'S WHAT I SAY ABOUT AMERICA. 1406 01:03:20,528 --> 01:03:26,594 AND OUR GREATNESS. 1407 01:03:26,661 --> 01:03:27,095 I KNOW IT'S AROUND HERE 1408 01:03:27,161 --> 01:03:27,694 SOMEWHERE AND WE ARE GOING TO 1409 01:03:27,761 --> 01:03:30,528 FIND IT AGAIN. 1410 01:03:30,594 --> 01:03:31,694 THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YOU WERE AN 1411 01:03:31,761 --> 01:03:33,895 AMAZING CROWD. 1412 01:03:33,961 --> 01:03:35,661 WERE GOING TO FIND IT AGAIN, 1413 01:03:35,728 --> 01:03:36,995 WERE GOING TO VOTE, WE'RE GOING 1414 01:03:37,061 --> 01:03:39,462 TO FOCUS AND WERE GOING TO STICK 1415 01:03:39,528 --> 01:03:40,495 TOGETHER. 1416 01:03:40,561 --> 01:03:44,828 THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU, 1417 01:03:44,895 --> 01:03:47,495 TULSA. 1418 01:03:47,561 --> 01:03:53,362 ♪ ♪ 1419 01:04:01,528 --> 01:04:09,761 ♪ ♪ 1420 01:04:15,128 --> 01:04:27,395 ♪ ♪ 1421 01:04:30,428 --> 01:04:42,628 ♪ ♪ 1422 01:04:42,694 --> 01:04:43,694 ♪ ♪ 91690

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