Original subtitles

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>> Bill: THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, FOLKS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT IS A WONDERFUL GREETING, I

APPRECIATE THAT.

I KNOW, YOU'RE ON TV.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW, I'M HERE ON

PURPOSE.

ALSO I WANT YOU TO KNOW, WE

ANNOUNCED WE WERE DOING THE SHOW

ONLY THREE WEEKS AGO HERE IN

OKLAHOMA, SINCE THEN, SCOTT

PRUITT GOT CANNED.

AND MEDICAL MARIJUANA GOT

LEGALIZED.

WHAT CAN I SAY?

I DO WHAT I CAN, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

YES, MEDICAL MARIJUANA HERE IN

OKLAHOMA AND YOUR GOVERNOR SAID

IT WOULD OPEN THE DOOR TO

RECREATIONAL USE.

YES, YES IT WILL.

WE ARE COUNTING ON THAT.

I WANTED TO COME, I LOVE THE RED

STATES, I REALLY DO.

I WANTED TO COME HERE BECAUSE

FIRST OF ALL I MEAN THIS IN THE

BEST POSSIBLE WAY, I MISS NORMAL

SO MUCH.

I MISS SENSIBLE MIDDLE OF THE

COUNTRY LIBERALS SO MUCH.

I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING FOR A

BORING PRESIDENT, A PRESIDENT

WHO BOARD TO MY BALLS OFF EVERY

DAY.

I WAKE UP EVERY DAY I LOOK AT

THE PHONE THROUGH ONE I WHAT DID

THE PATIENT DO TODAY.

I FEEL LIKE I'M BINGE WATCHING

THE WORST TELEVISION SHOW IN

HISTORY, THEY COME UP TO ME, DO

YOU SEE WHAT HE DID TODAY?

I'M LIKE I'M STILL ON THE

EPISODE WHERE HE FUCKED THE PORN

STAR.

THIS IS WHY I ALWAYS TRY TO

IMPRESS SO MUCH ON THE YOUNGER

PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT -- WHERE

ARE MY MILLENNIALS BY THE WAY?

WOW.

ALWAYS IN THE BACK BECAUSE THEY

HAVE NO MONEY.

I'M FUCKING WITH YOU, I LOVE YOU

BECAUSE THESE ARE THE GOOD

MILLENNIALS.

THEY CAME TO SEE ME AND THEY

MUST KNOW THIS IS NOT A SAFE

SPACE.

EVERYONE HERE IS WELCOME, TRUMP

PEOPLE ARE HERE AMONGST US AND

THEY ARE WELCOME, I MEAN THAT.

I MADE THAT, THIS IS A COUNTRY,

NOT AN APARTMENT WE CAN'T

DIVIDED DOWN THE MIDDLE, WE HAVE

TO LEARN TO LIVE TOGETHER.

YOU TRULY ARE WELCOME AND IT HAS

BEEN IMPRESSED ON ME THAT IT

DOESN'T HELP TO CALL YOUR

POLITICAL ADVERSARIES DUMB.

SO I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT.

BUT EASILY CONNED, CAN WE SAY

THAT?

NOT EXACTLY DETAIL PEOPLE.

TAKE SOMETHING LIKE THE

AFFORDABLE CARE ACT.

POLLS TELL US THAT TRUMP PEOPLE

HATE OBAMACARE WHAT THEY LIKE

THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT.

WHAT DID TRUMP TELL THEM?

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU WAY

BETTER, WAY CHEAPER, AND COVER

EVERYBODY.

YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO GET SICK

JUST TO USE THIS HEALTH CARE

PLAN.

WAY BETTER, WAY CHEAPER, AND

COVER EVERYBODY AND YOU BOUGHT

THAT?

SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT A CON MAN?

I KNEW THIS WAS HAPPENING ON THE

FIRST DAY, REMEMBER WHEN HE SAW

MULTITUDES THAT DID NOT EXIST?

REMEMBER AT THE INAUGURATION, IT

WAS BAD ENOUGH WHEN REPUBLICANS

DIDN'T BELIEVE IN CLIMATE CHANGE

BUT COUNTING?

COUNTING IS SETTLED SCIENCE, I'M

NOT GOING TO BUDGE ON THAT.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU

ELECT A MALIGNANT NARCISSIST AS

PRESIDENT.

HE CANNOT IMAGINE A REALITY THAT

DOESN'T MATCH HIS PERCEPTIONS.

THAT WAS THE MOST PEOPLE HE EVER

SAW IN ONE PLACE, SO IT MUST BE

THE MOST PEOPLE WHO EVER

GATHERED ANYWHERE.

THAT'S WHY HE THINKS HE HAS A

BIG DICK.

IT'S THE BIGGEST ONE HE HAS.

ALTHOUGH HONESTLY, DOESN'T

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS MAN JUST

SCREAM MICRO DICK?

THE BRAGGING AND THE BUILDINGS

WITH MY NAME ON IT, AT THE

DEBATES, HE WAS TALKING ABOUT

HIS DICK AT THE DEBATES, THAT

GUY IS PRESIDENT.

REMEMBER THAT?

THERE IS NO PROBLEM, I GUARANTEE

THERE IS NO PROBLEM.

I THINK THERE'S A PROBLEM.

I THINK THERE'S A VERY BIG

PROBLEM, I THINK THAT'S THE

WHOLE PROBLEM.

I THINK THIS IS A MAN WHO HAS

NEVER BROUGHT A WOMAN TO ORGASM.

IF HE EVEN BELIEVES SUCH A THING

EXISTS.

IT'S RIGGED.

IT'S RIGGED.

THE FUNGI IN

VAGINA HAS BEEN VR

TO ME, I SAY THAT VERY STRONGLY.

VERY STRONGLY.

I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK

ATTACK.

I TALKED TO TRUMP PEOPLE, THEY

AREN'T BLIND TO HIS FLAWS.

YOU ASK WHAT YOU LIKE ABOUT THE

GUY?

THEY ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THING,

HE'S STRONG, ALPHA, REAL MAN.

WHO ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

HE'S ALWAYS BLAMING EVERYBODY

ELSE, COMPLAINING.

HE NEVER TAKES RESPONSIBILITY.

"I INHERITED A MESS GOOD" YOU

INHERITED MILLIONS OF DOLLARS

YOU WHINY LITTLE BITCH.

THANK YOU, I WILL BE DOING ALL

OF MY GREATEST HITS TONIGHT.

EVEN WHEN HE GOES TO A DISASTER

ZONE, REMEMBER THAT?

THAT'S ALL ABOUT HIM.

REMEMBER THE HURRICANES?

WE ARE GETTING VERY HIGH MARKS.

"EVERYONE FLOATING BY US AS WERE

A FANTASTIC JOB."

WHAT PRESIDENT EVER NEEDED TO

HAVE THESE EMERGENCY FLATTERY

MEETINGS, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS

WHERE THEY CALLED THE CABINET

TOGETHER THEY GO AROUND THE

ROOM, "YOU SHINE WITH THE LIGHT

OF A THOUSAND SUNS, MY SIRE.

"NOW THE SECRETARY OF LABOR

WOULD LIKE TO SAY.

THERE'S THAT CONGRESSWOMAN FROM

TENNESSEE WHO MADE THAT SPEECH

IN FRONT OF TRUMP, SHE SAID

MR. PRESIDENT, THANK YOU FOR

LETTING US HAVE YOU AS OUR

PRESIDENT.

LETTING US HAVE YOU?

JESUS, DON'T GET ANY IN YOUR

HAIR.

LETTING US HAVE YOU?

I GUESS WE FORGOT, THE PRESIDENT

IS SUPPOSED TO LIFT US UP, NOT

THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

BUT WE ARE IN THE OTHER WAY

AROUND.

WHO HAS RALLIES AFTER THE

ELECTION IS OVER?

ONLY THIS PSYCHOPATH BECAUSE HE

GETS BLUE, HE SEES SOMETHING ON

TV HE DOESN'T LIKE, GET ME 9,000

DROOLING IDIOTS IN AN AIRPLANE

HANGAR IN TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA,

STAT.

IS RALLIES...

HE DID ONE THE OTHER DAY.

HE LIES A LOT ANYWAY, HE TAKES

GREAT PRIDE IN THE FACT THAT HE

DOES NOT USE A TELEPROMPTER.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO INSULT HIS

BASE BY READING.

THE SHIT THAT COMES OUT OF HIS

MOUTH AT THESE RALLIES,

FACT-CHECKERS ARE CARRIED OUT ON

STRETCHERS, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT TO THE

END OF THIS SHOW TALKING ABOUT

THIS ASSHOLE.

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO CALM

ME DOWN, THEY'RE LIKE OH COME

ON, BILL, YOU'RE EXAGGERATING,

WE'VE HAD PRESIDENTS WHO DIDN'T

KNOW MUCH.

WE HAVE HAD THAT, WE'VE HAD

PRESIDENTS WHO DIDN'T KNOW MUCH.

RONALD REAGAN THOUGHT THE COAT

RACK WAS BARBARA STANWYCK.

KIDS, USE YOUR GOOGLE TO FIND

OUT WHO BARBARA STANWYCK IS.

LOOK UP COAT RACK WHILE YOU'RE

IN THERE COME UP WITH BECAUSE

THAT'S PROBABLY NOT A THING

ANYMORE EITHER.

WE'VE HAD DUMB MASS PRESIDENTS

BUT WE'VE NEVER HAD ONE SO

AGGRESSIVELY STUPID.

WHO TAKES PRIDE THAT YOU CANNOT

GET INFORMATION INTO HIS HEAD,

WE DON'T KNOW HOW HE GETS

INFORMATION ALTHOUGH IT'S

ENTIRELY POSSIBLE SEAN HANNITY

BLOWS IT DIRECTLY UP HIS ASS.

HE TAKES PRIDE NO MATTER HOW

MANY TIMES YOU TELL HIM THINGS

HE WILL INSIST THAT THE STEALTH

BOMBER IS LITERALLY INVISIBLE.

OR THERE IS SUCH A THING AS

CLEAN COAL OR GLOBAL WARMING IS

A HOAX BECAUSE IT SNOWS IN THE

WINTER.

IT'S LIKE SAYING THE PSALM ISN'T

REAL BECAUSE LAST NIGHT IT GOT

DARK.

REMEMBER JIM INHOFE WITH THE

SNOWBALL?

YOU'VE GOT SOME REAL BEAUTIES

HERE, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU PUT

UP WITH THEM BUT THERE IS SOME

REAL ASSHOLE POLITICIANS IN THIS

STATE.

DOWN THE LINE.

THE SADDEST THING ABOUT TRUMP,

HE DOESN'T WANT TO CHANGE.

HE SAID MANY TIMES, I COULD BE

PRESIDENTIAL.

IN HIS FIRST PRESS CONFERENCE HE

SAID I AM ME.

THANKS, TARZAN.

EVEN MELANIA, YOUR ENGLISH IS

NOT TOO, DADDY.

OH, MELANIA, I LIKE HER, COME ON

ON.

SHE'S THE GOOD KIND OF IMMIGRANT

IMMIGRANT.

THE KIND THAT DOES THE JOBS

AMERICANS JUST DON'T WANT TO DO.

LIKE BLOWING AND FUCKING

DONALD TRUMP.

I DO FEEL BAD FOR HER HAVING TO

LIVE THROUGH THIS SCANDAL WITH

THE PORN STAR, THIS HE SAID, SHE

SAID THING THAT'S GOING ON.

BUT WHO ARE YOU GOING TO

BELIEVE, THE FAKE BLONDE WITH

BIG TITS, OR STORMY DANIELS?

DID YOU SEE THAT THE

EVANGELICALS, ANY EVANGELICALS

HERE, YOU'RE WELCOME TOO.

I KNOW YOU'RE HERE.

YOU'RE WELCOME TOO.

DID YOU SEE THEY GAVE HIM A

MULLIGAN ON STORMY DANIELS?

HE COULD FUCK CHARLIE DANIELS,

THEY DON'T CARE.

I THOUGHT WHAT WAS SO

INTERESTING IS WHEN TRUMP GOT IN

TROUBLE THE FIRST TIME, REMEMBER

THE HOLLYWOOD ACCESS TAPE A

MONTH BEFORE THE ELECTION, WHO

CAME TO HIS AID?

IT WAS THE TWO CHRISTIANS.

IT WAS THE TWO SUPER CHRISTIANS

IN HIS ADMINISTRATION MIKE PENCE

AND JEFF SESSIONS, YOU KNOW THE

PEOPLE THEY START EVERY DEBATE

WITH I'M A CHRISTIAN.

LIKE WHY EVEN HAVE THIS ARGUMENT

ARGUMENT, I WIN AUTOMATICALLY.

I BELIEVE IN AN INTELLECTUALLY

EMBARRASSING BRONZE AGE MYTH.

BOOM.

MIKE DROP.

THEY ASKED JEFF SESSIONS TWO

DAYS AFTER THE TAPE CAME OUT,

YOU'RE A SENATOR, THE GUY WHO

WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT JUST SAID

HE ADMITTED TO GRABBING WOMEN'S

VAGINAS IS THAT NOT

SEXUAL ASSAULT?

AND JEFF SESSIONS SAID

AND I'M QUOTING DIRECTLY, THAT

IS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID.

THE REPORTER PERSISTED AND SAID

HE GRABS PUSSIES.

UP JEFF SESSIONS AND SAID "IT'S

NOT CLEAR HOW THAT WOULD OCCUR.

"IT'S A TOTALLY MATTER OF

CIRCUMSTANCE.

WHAT IF YOU SAW A PUSSY ABOUT TO

FALL OFF A CLIFF, WOULDN'T YOU

WANT TO BE ABLE TO GRAB THAT

PUSSY WITHOUT A LOT OF

POLITICALLY CORRECT RED TAPE

GETTING IN THE WAY?

I THINK YOU WOULD.

THERE IS NO SHAME IN THEIR GAME,

THESE PEOPLE.

IF WE ARE EVER GOING TO WIN AN

ELECTION, WE HAVE TO BUDDY UP TO

THAT IDEA.

NO SHAME.

I HAVE A LOT OF PERSPECTIVE ON

REPUBLICANS, I NEVER REALLY WAS

A REPUBLICAN VOTER, I WAS SO

SCARED MITT ROMNEY WAS GOING TO

BE A PRESIDENT I GAVE OBAMA A

MILLION BUCKS.

I WOULD GLADLY GIVE ROMNEY A

MILLION DOLLARS TOMORROW IF HE

WOULD TAKE OVER AMERICA.

I WOULD SLEEP LIKE A BABY.

I WOULD BECOME A MORMON, I WILL.

I WOULD DO THAT FOR MY COUNTRY,

I WOULD BECOME A MORMON, I WILL

WEAR THE MAGIC UNDERWEAR, I WILL

VISIT PLANET COLE LAUB, I WILL

BAPTIZE DEAD PEOPLE.

WHAT A STUPID RELIGION THAT ONE

IS.

THEY ARE ALL STUPID BUT

JESUS CHRIST -- WHAT KISSES ME

OFF ARE THESE NEW RELIGIONS.

THE CHRISTIANS AND THE MUSLIMS

AND THE, THEY GET GRANDFATHERED

IN, RIGHT?

THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD

BEFORE THE AGE OF SCIENCE,

MORMONS ARE 1820, YOU KNEW

BETTER AND THAT SCIENTOLOGISTS

AND SEVENTH-DAY ADVENTISTS.

THIS IS AWESOME, I HAVE TO TELL

YOU I USED TO BE A LONELY

PIONEER OUT THERE ON THE ATHEIST

TRAILS.

AND NOW?

IT'S LIKE ANAL, EVERYONE'S DOING

IT.

RELIGION NUMBERS ARE DOWN ACROSS

THE BOARD AND YOU WONDER WHY.

YOU SAW THEY WERE TRYING TO USE

THE BIBLE TO JUSTIFY SEPARATING

CHILDREN FROM THEIR PARENTS AT

THE BORDER.

SO I HOPE YOU WILL AGREE WITH ME

THAT ABOVE ALL THINGS IN THIS

WORLD, WHAT NEEDS SCRUTINY AND

CRITICISM IS RELIGION.

AND THAT MEANS ALL OF THEM.

ALL OF THEM.

THIS RIDICULOUS FETISH I SING OF

ISLAM ON THE PART OF SO MANY

LIBERALS HAS GOT TO STOP.

IT'S A RELIGION, LIKE ALL

RELIGIONS, ANTIQUATED AND

DANGEROUS.

THAT ONE IS MORE FUNDAMENTALIST

WHICH IS NOT A COMPLIMENT.

IT IS TRUMP'S MUSLIM MAN A GOOD

IDEA?

OF COURSE NOT.

IT'S COUNTERPRODUCTIVE, IT'S

UNNECESSARY, IT'S UN-AMERICAN,

IT'S BIGOTED.

BUT WHAT IS THE LIBERAL ANSWER

TO THIS ISSUE?

APPARENTLY IT'S JUST YELLING

ISLAM A PHOBIA WHEN ANYBODY

CRITICIZES THE RELIGION.

I CAN'T CRITICIZE A RELIGION?

HAVE WE MET?

I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS ALREADY

WITH THE CATHOLICS.

THEY WERE THE ONES TRYING TO GET

ME THROWN OFF TV TEN, 12 YEARS

AGO.

WILLIAM DONOHUE THE HEAD OF THE

CATHOLIC LEAGUE WITH HIS LETTER

WRITING CAMPAIGNS AT ONE POINT

WANTED TO FIGHT ME.

FIGHT ME AS JESUS WOULD HAVE

WANTED I'M SURE, 250-YEAR-OLD

MAN IN A PARKING LOT WITH OUR

SHORT SLEEVES ROLLED UP.

FIGHT ME.

I WOULD SAY IT "BILL, I'M NOT

ANTICATHOLIC, I'M ANTI-CHILD

FUCKING.

YOUR ORGANIZATION HAS BEEN

CAUGHT DOING A LOT OF THAT, THAT

DOESN'T MAKE ME A BAD GUY.

I'M NOT ANTI-MUSLIM, I'M

ANTI-MISOGYNY.

I THOUGHT FEMINISM WAS A THING

WITH LIBERALS."

I'M AGAINST IT WHEN THEY THROW A

TARP OVER A WOMAN LIKE SHE'S A

MOTORBOAT.

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED ONE OF THOSE

ON?

IT'S STIFLING.

PART OF THE REASON WHY THEY DO

THAT IS SO THE MEN DON'T HAVE TO

BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR

ERECTIONS.

LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN.

THE MEN MAKE THE WOMEN WALK

AROUND ALL DAY IN A VOTING BOOTH

SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE

RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ERECTIONS.

YOUR MOVE, #MeToo.

I'M NOT ANTI-ANY PEOPLE, I'M

ANTI-TERRORIZING HOMOSEXUALS.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS A LIBERAL

THING.

I SAW A COLLEGE KID ON CAMPUS

WITH A T-SHIRT THAT SAID QUEERS

AGAINST ISLAMOPHOBIA.

I WANTED TO SAY TO HIM WHERE

THAT SHIRT IN PAKISTAN AND SEE

IF ANYBODY READS DOWN THE

CLEAREST PART.

NO PROTECTED SPECIES IN AMERICA,

WE HAVE FREE SPEECH HERE.

ALL JOKES ARE UNFAIR TO A DEGREE

DEGREE.

THINGS STICK A MOTHER NOT ALWAYS

TOTALLY TRUE BUT WE ALWAYS SUCK

IT UP AND LAUGH.

THAT'S EVERYBODY.

IF SOMETHING HAPPENS IN GERMANY,

EVERY COMEDIAN MAKES A NAZI

JOKE, GERMANY DOESN'T HAVE A LOT

OF THEM ANYMORE.

HERE, YES.

WE HAVE THE NAZIS HERE.

THAT'S HOW IT IS, IF YOU ARE

FRENCH YOU ALWAYS SURRENDER.

IF YOU'RE A SUPERMODEL, YOU

ALWAYS THROW UP YOUR LUNCH, IF

YOU'RE A REDNECK YOU ALWAYS FUCK

YOUR SISTER.

TO CLOSE?

SORRY.

NOTHING IS FUNNY PEOPLE CANNOT

WIN.

THINGS ARE BAD ENOUGH, WE HAVE

TO LAUGH.

AND THE SNOWFLAKES KEEP WANTING

TO MOVE THE GOALPOSTS ON WHAT

CAN BE FUNNY.

NOW THEY ARE ON THIS THING WHERE

IF SOMETHING IN A JOKE EVEN

REMINDS YOU OF SOMETHING THAT'S

SAD, NO GOOD.

WELL...

FUCK THAT.

MY ANSWER TO THAT IS MEL BROOKS

WHAT HITLER IN A MUSICAL.

SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER.

IF I TRIED REAL HARD I THINK I

COULD CONNECT THAT TO SOMETHING

SAID THAT I DON'T BECAUSE WE

CHOOSE TO LAUGH.

WE CHOOSE TO LAUGH, NOT BECAUSE

IT'S EASY, BUT BECAUSE IT'S HARD

HARD.

THAT'S MY JFK.

WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, WE NEVER HAD

TERMS LIKE MICRO AGGRESSIONS.

MICRO AGGRESSIONS AND SAFE

SPACES AND TRIGGER WARNINGS.

I'M NOT A MARINE OR ANYTHING BUT

WHY DID EVERYBODY GET SO FRAGILE

ABOUT FREE SPEECH ZONES?

YOU MEAN AMERICA?

LIBERALS CAN BE THE WORST ON

THIS, WE SHOULD OWN THE

FIRST AMENDMENT THE WAY THE

CONSERVATIVES ON THE SECOND.

BUT WE DON'T.

WE GAVE IT UP.

I HAD THE HONOR OF MY LIFE -- I

THOUGHT IT WAS.

FOUR YEARS AGO WHEN BERKELEY ON

THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE FREE

SPEECH MOVEMENT ON THE BERKELEY

CAMPUS INVITED ME TO BE THE

KEYNOTE SPEAKER AT THE

GRADUATION.

WEIGHT.

AND THEN I WAS UNINVITED BECAUSE

THEY GOT WIND I MIGHT SPEAK

FREELY.

THEY DON'T TEACH IRONY ON CAMPUS

ANYMORE IS MY GUESS.

CAMPUSES ARE A LITTLE OUT OF

CONTROL, WOULD YOU NOT AGREE?

THREE COLLEGES LAST YEAR HAD TO

CANCEL PRODUCTIONS OF THE VAGINA

MONOLOGUES BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T

SENSITIVE ENOUGH TO WOMEN WHO

DON'T HAVE A VAGINA.

THEY EXIST, CAITLYN JENNER I

BELIEVE IS A WOMAN WHO STILL HAS

A DICK.

WHATEVER IT IS, I SUPPORT HER,

OKAY?

IF SHE CUT IT OFF, I SAY GOOD

CHOICE!

GOOD RIDDANCE TO THAT FUCKING

THING, IT'S NOTHING BUT TROUBLE,

I SEE IT LIKE THE TONSILS OR THE

APPENDIX OR SOMETHING.

I HARP ON THIS STUFF BECAUSE

DEMOCRATS I THINK WE CAN ALL

AGREE CANNOT AFFORD TO BLOW

ANYMORE ELECTIONS.

THIS KIND OF SHIT IS ONE REASON

WHY JUST THE NAME DEMOCRAT IS SO

TOXIC IN STATES LIKE THIS, AND

ABOUT 25 OTHERS WERE ANYBODY

OTHER THAN A DEMOCRAT CAN WIN.

WE'VE GOT TO CHANGE THAT.

AND THE WAY YOU DO IT, DROP THE

PC BULLSHIT.

ALSO, GET A MESSAGE.

GET A CANDIDATE THAT PEOPLE

LIKE, I LIKED HILARY BUT SHE

COULDN'T FILL THE FUNCTION ROOM

AT THE OLIVE GARDEN.

MEANWHILE THERE WAS A

74-YEAR-OLD MAN GETTING 20,000

PEOPLE TO COME OUT AND SEE HIM.

YES, BERNIE.

BERNIE SANDERS.

IN THIS AGE WHERE EVERYTHING IS

FAKE NEWS AND PEOPLE DON'T READ

THE NEWS ANYWAY, THEY DON'T KNOW

WHAT'S GOING ON, THE COIN OF THE

REALM, WHAT PEOPLE LATCH ONTO

HIS AUTHENTICITY.

NOT MANY HAVE REAL AUTHENTICITY.

BERNIE SANDERS DID.

HE ALWAYS LOOKED LIKE A GUY WHO

WORKED IN A LITTLE OFFICE WHERE

THE ROOF LEAKED.

"I FINISHED MY SOUP, THREE

TIMES."

AND YOU KNOW IF HE BECAME

PRESIDENT, NOTHING WOULD HAVE

CHANGED.

HE'D WALK INTO THE OVAL OFFICE,

HE'D BE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING ON

HIS DESK IT WOULD BE A MESS.

"I'VE GOT A SYSTEM, IT'S IN HERE

SOMEWHERE."

HALF OF AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH

DOWN THERE AND A CAT.

THE QUEEN WOULD COME FOR A STATE

VISIT, HE WOULD HAVE TO MOVE

BOXES OFF THE COUCH.

"DARLING, SIT, DARLING!

IT'S OUR BUSY SEASON!

WOULD YOU LIKE HALF OF AN EGG

SALAD SANDWICH?

"THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE WANT.

THE OTHER GUY WHO HAD

AUTHENTICITY, I WILL GIVE HIM

THAT.

DONALD TRUMP IS AUTHENTICALLY A

DUES

DUES BAG DUES BAG FROM QUEENS.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO HIDE IT, IT

WORKS FOR HIM.

HE IS LIKE ONE OF US, HE'S A

REAL AMERICAN.

HE'S FAT, HE EATS SHIT, HE PLAYS

WITH HIS PHONE ALL DAY AND ALL

NIGHT.

WHAT IS WITH THE 3:00 A.M. BITCH

TWEETING?

WHAT IS GOING ON AT 3:00 A.M.?

IS THAT A POOP TWEET?

IS THAT WHEN THE METAMUCIL KICKS

IN?

IS THAT HOW HE GETS TO SLEEP?

THAT WOULD BE REALLY SICK

BECAUSE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO

SOMETHING CALM AND BEFORE YOU GO

TO BED AND HIS TWEETS AT

3:00 A.M., "YOU'RE LOSING,

YOU'RE A DISASTER, I HATE YOU."

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING

CALL MEGAN MEDITATIVE, I

JERK OFF.

NOTICE I HAD TO SWITCH THE MIC

HAND, JUST TO

A SIMULATED

APPARENTLY, THAT'S HOW SERIOUS I

AM ABOUT MASTURBATION.

I MUST TELL YOU FOLKS, YOU'RE A

BEAUTIFUL CROWD.

I'M GOING TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU

YOU.

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU AS A

COMEDIAN I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT

MASTURBATION ON STAGE FOR A LONG

TIME.

THE LAST YEAR, THE FIRST TIME IN

MY LIFE, I HAVE TO SPELL IT

OUT -- I WAS ALONE.

I JUST ASSUMED EVERYBODY KNEW

MASTURBATION YOU WERE ALONE.

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

I USED TO SAY I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WOMEN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND MEN.

MASTURBATING IN FRONT OF

SOMEBODY?

I CAN'T P IN FRONT OF SOMEBODY.

WHEN THAT THIS TREND TO START?

WHAT MOVE IS THIS?

THE DATE DIDN'T GO QUITE THE WAY

I WANTED TO BUT SHE'S IN THE

ROOM, I'M GOING TO TAKE MY DICK

OUT, SO I KIND OF GOT LAID?

IT'S LIKE A GAME HE ENGULFED?

GIMME IN GOLF.

I HOPE WOMEN KNOW THERE ARE A

LOT OF MEN WHO ARE VERY HAPPY

FOR YOU THAT THIS RECKONING

FINALLY CAME ABOUT.

THAT YOUR LIVES WILL ALWAYS BE

BETTER FOR IT, IT'S TRUE.

I ALWAYS HATED BULLIES.

BULLIES OF ANY KIND.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT, IS JUST A

PARTICULARLY ODIOUS KIND OF

BULLYING AND ITS GREAT ALL MEN,

NOT JUST THE RICH AND FAMOUS

ANYMORE, EVERY MAN IS ON NOTICE.

YOU'RE PLAYING WITH FIVE FOULS.

BUT I MUST TELL YOU I TOOK A

LITTLE INFORMAL POLL RECENTLY

AND THE PENIS IS STILL POPULAR.

THE PENIS HAS DONE SOME VERY BAD

THINGS, VERY BAD THINGS,

TERRIBLE THINGS.

BUT LADIES, YOU STILL WANT SOME

DICK EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,

DON'T YOU?

WE WANT TO BE PART OF THE

SOLUTION AND WE NEED TO BE PART

OF THE SOLUTION THAT'S WHAT I

SAY ABOUT THE PENIS, MENDED,

DON'T END IT.

GOT EVERYBODY A LITTLE SLACK

BECAUSE THE ROMANCE GAME IS A

LITTLE TOUCHY, IT'S NOT EXACTLY

ALWAYS EASY TO DEFINE.

PASSION AND POLITICAL

CORRECTNESS ARE NOT NATURAL

ALLIES.

NO ONE IN BED WANTS TO HEAR

"WHO'S YOUR COEQUAL PARTNER?"

NOBODY, RIGHT?

LIBERALS HAVE THE HIGH GROUND ON

THIS ISSUE, LET'S NOT VEER OFF

AS LIBERALS SO OFTEN DO INTO

THAT WEIRD PLACE WHERE WE LOOK

RIDICULOUS.

OKAY?

IT'S ALREADY HAPPENED.

MATT DAMON FAMOUSLY SAID I THINK

WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT THERE'S A

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PAT ON THE

ASS AND RATE, THERE WAS A BIG

LIBERAL BACKLASH, NO WE DON'T

AGREE WITH THAT.

THIS IS ONE REASON WHY WE LOSE

ELECTIONS.

THIS IS ONE REASON.

IN 2016, THE DEMOCRATS AND

REPUBLICANS PLAYED A LITTLE GAME

OF CHICKEN WITH EACH OTHER.

AND THE DEMOCRATS SAID TO

REPUBLICANS, YOU CANNOT BE SO

STUPID AS TO VOTE FOR

DONALD TRUMP.

AND THEY SAID DON'T EVER TELL US

HOW STUPID WE CAN BE.

BUT, THEY HAD A PRETTY GOOD

ANSWER WHICH WAS WE GET THAT

COME UP DONALD TRUMP IS CRAZY

BUT IF YOU THINK WHAT MATT DAMON

SAID IS THE LEAST BIT

CONTROVERSIAL OR IF YOU THINK

THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES IS

INSUFFICIENTLY FEMINIST OR YOU

THINK ISLAM HAS NOTHING TO DO

WITH ISLAMIC TERRORISM, OR YOU

LOSE YOUR SHIT 18 WHITE GIRL

DRESSES UP AS POCAHONTAS ON

HALLOWEEN, THEN YOU'RE CRAZY TOO

AND WE CAN'T TRUST YOUR

JUDGMENT.

AND THAT SHIT HAS TO STOP.

WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT SHIT

ANYMORE.

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING,

DONALD TRUMP IS RIGHT ABOUT ONE

THING.

THE ELECTIONS IN THIS COUNTRY

ARE RIGGED EXCEPT THEY ARE

RIGGED AGAINST US.

GERRYMANDERING, VOTER

SUPPRESSION, THE ELECTORAL

COLLEGE, PUTIN COUNTING THE

VOTES.

THIS THING IN PRESIDENTIAL

ELECTIONS WHERE WE WIN THE MOST

VOTES AND THEY GET TO BE

PRESIDENT, THAT'S GOT TO STOP.

AL GORE WON BY 500,000 VOTES AND

DIDN'T BECOME PRESIDENT, HILLARY

WON BY 3 MILLION.

EVEN KIM JONG UN IS LIKE THAT'S

FUCKED UP.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE SOUNDS

LIKE, THAT IS A DEAD ON

KIM JONG UN.

I STILL HAVE REPUBLICANS COMING

ON MY SHOW, WE DON'T KNOW IF IT

AFFECTED THE ELECTION.

DON'T KNOW IF IT AFFECTED THE

ELECTION?

DOES CHRIS CHRISTIE EAT OVER THE

SINK?

DURING THE CAMPAIGN,

DONALD TRUMP'S -- HE HAS TWO

GROWN SONS, DUES BAG DUES

DOUCN

FUCK FACE.

DONNIE DICK FACE GETS THIS EMAIL

THAT SAYS WE HAVE DIRT ON

HILLARY, SIGNED RUSSIA.

AND HE EMAILS BACK, "I LOVE IT."

IT'S GAME OVER THERE, ISN'T IT?

IF YOU SEND ME AN EMAIL THAT

SAYS I

I HAVE SOME FANTASTIC

KIDDIE PORN AND I EMAILED BACK

"I LOVE IT."

, I THINK THAT'S WHEN I KNOCK

K

ON YOUR DOOR.

THEIR SHAMELESSNESS IS SO

ASTOUNDING, THE WAY THEY WILL

TELL A LIE AND BEFORE THE NEXT

NEWS CYCLE THEY WILL HAVE A

COMPLETELY NEW LYING AND DON'T

APOLOGIZE FOR THE LAST ONE, THEY

WILL BE LIKE THERE WAS NO

MEETING, OKAY THERE WAS A

MEETING.

NO RUSSIANS, OKAY THERE WERE ONE

RUSSIANS, SORRY I MISSED SPOKE,

THREE RUSSIANS, FIVE RUSSIANS

WERE AT THE MEETING AND THAT IS,

EIGHT RUSSIANS.

THERE WERE EIGHT RUSSIANS AT THE

MEETING.

AND THE BALLET.

AND DR. ZHIVAGO AND THE CREW OF

THE RED OCTOBER.

YOU WOULD HAVE TO HOLD A MEETING

IN A STEAM ROOM TO HAVE MORE

RUSSIANS INVOLVED.

OKAY, WE HAD A MEETING BUT IT

WAS JUST ABOUT ADOPTIONS.

YES, WE ARE ALL BIG FANS OF

ANNIE, IT WAS JUST ABOUT

ADOPTIONS.

WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT THE

ELECTION.

ALL RIGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THE

ELECTION.

ALL RIGHT, NO COLLUSION.

OKAY THERE WAS POLLUTION.

BUT NO CRIMINAL COLLUSION.

OKAY CRIMINAL COLLUSION BUT THIS

IT REALLY SUCH A CRIME?

THAT'S WHERE THEY ARE, THAT'S

WITH A WHOLE REPUBLICAN PARTY

IS.

IS IT REALLY SUCH A CRIME TO

COMMIT A CRIME?

THEY ARE ON THE SIDE OF CRIME.

THAT'S THE WHOLE PARTY, THE

WHOLE PARTY.

IT'S NOT JUST THE CLOWN, IT'S

THE CIRCUS, DON'T FORGET THAT.

DONALD TRUMP COULD NOT BE WHERE

HE IS WITHOUT ALL OF HIS

ENABLERS.

I HAVE GIVEN UP ASKING THE

QUESTION WHAT HAS TO HAPPEN

BEFORE THEY GIVE UP -- NOTHING.

DONALD TRUMP COULD TWEET TONIGHT

OBAMA IS HIDING UNDER MY BED.

AND ON MONDAY SARAH HUCKABEE

SANDERS WOULD SAY MANY

PRESIDENTS HAVE HAD THEIR

PREDECESSORS HIDE UNDER THEIR

BEDS.

MARTIN VAN BUREN WAS UNDER

WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON'S BED FOR

TWO YEARS FROM 1837 TO 1839.

GROVER CLEVELAND WAS UNDER THE

BED.

OF ALL THE ENABLERS THAT GET

UNDER MY SKIN, THE ONE I HATE

THE MOST, MIKE PENCE.

SUPER CHRISTIAN.

MONITORS ALL OF DONALD TRUMP'S

SLIME BECAUSE HE LOOKS SO

CHRISTIAN.

HE'S BEYOND CHRISTIAN, LIFE

BEGINS AT DIRECTION.

ERECTION.

HE LIVES BY SOMETHING THEY CALL

THE BILLY GRAHAM RULE, HE WILL

NEVER GO TO ANY FUNCTION, PARTY,

WHERE THERE IS ALCOHOL BEING

SERVED IF HIS WIFE IS NOT WITH

HIM.

WHY?

BECAUSE THE OTHER CHICKS WOULD

BUM

IT WOULD BE LIKE TUPAC AND 95.

THEY WOULD BE BLOWING HIM ON THE

DANCE FLOOR.

I JUST WANT TO SAY, THIS IS

IMPORTANT.

I'M NEVER GOING TO BE THE

COMEDIAN WHO STOPS THE SHOW AND

THIS IS SERIOUS, BUT THIS IS

SERIOUS.

A SMALL LIGHTING CHANGE, PERFECT

PERFECT.

WHEN I TOOK THE S.A.T.s, I

DON'T KNOW IF THEY STILL HAVE

THIS QUESTION, THERE WAS A

SECTION CALLED CHOOSE THE BEST

ANSWER, THERE WERE NEVER AN

ANSWER THAT FITS PERFECTLY, THEY

WERE TRYING TO TEACH YOU

SOMETHING, SOMETIMES THERE ISN'T

A PERFECT ANSWER YOU CHOOSE THE

BEST ANSWER.

WHEN PEOPLE SAY MIKE PENCE WOULD

BE WORSE, I IMPLORE YOU TO

RECONSIDER THAT.

MIKE PENCE IS THE KIND OF

LOATHSOME CHRISTIAN HYPOCRITE

THAT IF I DIDN'T HATE RELIGION

ALREADY, I WOULD START.

BUT MIKE PENCE IS NOT TRYING TO

BECOME A DICTATOR.

MIKE PENCE DOES NOT TALK ABOUT

LOCKING UP JOURNALISTS AND

POLITICAL OPPONENTS, HE CAN NAME

ALL THREE BRANCHES OF

GOVERNMENT.

HE IS WITHIN THE NORMAL

PARAMETERS OF REPUBLICAN OFFAL.

HE IS NOT THE HEAD OF A CRIME

FAMILY, HE DOES NOT SEE THINGS

THAT DON'T EXIST IF YOU DON'T

COUNT JESUS.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO DESTROY

GOVERNMENT FROM WITHIN.

SCOTT PRUITT WAS ESSENTIALLY THE

HEAD OF THE POLLUTION PROTECTION

AGENCY.

BESIDES BEING THE GREATEST SCAM

ARTIST I HAVE EVER SEEN, I

REALLY THINK SCOTT PRUITT MIGHT

BE THREE RACCOONS UNDER A

TRENCHCOAT.

IT MIGHT NOT EVEN BE A HUMAN.

BESIDES THAT, HE WAS A COAL

LOBBYIST AS THE HEAD OF THE EPA,

THE ATTORNEY GENERAL IS A

CONFEDERATE SOLDIER.

THE SECRETARY OF EDUCATION IS

MENTALLY CHALLENGED.

RICK PERRY --

TEXAS PEOPLE, YOU'RE VERY PROUD,

I CAN SEE.

RICK PERRY RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN

2012 ON A PLATFORM OF HE WANTED

TO ELIMINATE THREE GOVERNMENT

DEPARTMENTS OF WHICH HE COULD

NAME TWO.

I DON'T THINK HE GETS THE CREDIT

HE DESERVES FOR BEING ABLE TO

NAME ALMOST 67% OF THE

DEPARTMENTS HE HIMSELF WANTED TO

ELIMINATE.

THE ONE HE COULD NOT REMEMBER?

WAS THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY

WHICH HE IS NOW THE HEAD OF.

THAT IS SOME PERFORMANCE ART.

THAT IS A SKIP PAST TROLLING,

THAT IS PERFORMANCE ART.

WHEN HE TOOK THE JOB, HE DID NOT

KNOW WHAT THE DEPARTMENT OF

ENERGY DID.

IT'S IN CHARGE OF THE NUCLEAR

WEAPONS, HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

THAT'S WHY OBAMA'S SECRETARY OF

ENERGY IT WAS A NOBEL

PRIZE-WINNING PHYSICIST.

RICK PERRY?

THIS IS NOT A JOKE, RICK PERRY

HAS A BA AND ANIMAL HUSBANDRY.

REALLY, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A

CENTRIFUGE IS.

BUT HE CAN JERK OFF A HORSE.

REALLY?

THAT GUY?

WHAT CAN I SAY?

DEMOCRATS, WE'VE JUST GOT TO WIN

WIN.

WE CAN'T BLOW ANYMORE ELECTIONS.

NEXT TIME A LITTLE MORE ABOUT

WERE GOING TO BRING YOUR JOBS

BACK AND A LITTLE LESS ABOUT

WERE GOING TO MAKE YOU PEE NEXT

TO A GUY IN A DRESS, NOT THAT I

CARE.

I'M TOTALLY ON THE PAGE WITH THE

TRANSGENDER, I DOWN WITH YOU

GUYS.

I GET IT, SOMETIMES THE

EQUIPMENT DOESN'T MATCH THE

GENDER.

IT'S COUNTERINTUITIVE BUT

SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT

AND SOMETIMES YOU DON'T.

I GET IT.

BUT I ALSO KNOW NORMAL WOMEN

WHEN I GO TO THE BATHROOM, IT'S

AN INTIMATE PLACE, I WANT TO

KNOW IF THERE'S A PENIS ON DECK.

I'M TALKING ABOUT WOMEN WITH

VAGINAS, OLD SCHOOL.

WOMEN CLASSIC, I CALL THEM.

IF ANY OF YOU LADIES STILL HAVE

YOUR ORIGINAL VAGINAS, HANG ONTO

THOSE THINGS, THEY ARE GOING TO

BE VALUABLE SOMEDAY.

HANG ONTO ANYTHING LONG ENOUGH

AND IT WILL COME BACK IN STYLE.

TRUMP WON THAT ELECTION ON JOBS,

OF COURSE HE WAS LYING BECAUSE

HIS MOUTH WAS MOVING AND THERE

WASN'T MEAT IN IT.

THAT WAS THE WHOLE THING,

MEXICANS ARE STEALING YOUR JOB.

MEXICANS ARE NOT STEALING YOUR

JOBS, ROBOTS ARE STEALING YOUR

JOBS.

AND IF THEY EVER COME UP WITH A

MEXICAN ROBOT, WE ARE REALLY

FUCKED.

WHOEVER TOLD THESE "REAL

AMERICANS" THAT THE GOVERNMENT

WAS AN EMPLOYMENT AGENCY ANYWAY?

THERE'S NO MORE GIGS FOR LIFE.

THOSE DAYS ARE OVER.

THE ONLY GIGS FOR LIFE, POPE, 6A

FLIGHT ATTENDANT ON ANY MAJOR

AIRLINE.

THOSE GIRLS ARE OLD.

THEY CALL ME SUNNY.

THERE IS SOME SENIORITY SYSTEM

GOING ON THAT UNITED AIRLINES,

I'M ALWAYS LIKE CAN I GET A HOT

TOWEL WHEN YOU WAKE UP FROM YOUR

NAP?

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

IN MY VIEW, AMERICA DOESN'T EVEN

HAVE THE ISSUE WE SPENT SO MUCH

TIME ON, WE DON'T EVEN HAVE AN

IMMIGRATION PROBLEM.

WE HAVE A "MY LIFE DIDN'T TURN

OUT THE WAY I WANT IT TO SO I

BLAME OTHER PEOPLE" PROBLEM.

THAT WE HAVE.

THE GREATEST CON THE REPUBLICANS

EVER PULLED ON WORKING-CLASS

AMERICANS WAS CONVINCING THEM

THAT IT WAS THE IMMIGRANTS AND

THE SINGLE MOM WHO ARE BLOCKING

THEIR WAY TO THE AMERICAN DREAM.

REMEMBER THE TAKERS?

THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T PAY ANY

INCOME TAX, THAT'S WHO HAS ALL

THE MONEY, THE PEOPLE WITH NO

MONEY!

THE PEOPLE WHO USE THEIR FOOD

STAMPS TO BUY DRUGS, I LOVE THAT

ONE, THAT ALWAYS MAKES ME LAUGH

BECAUSE I KNOW THAT ONE FROM

BOTH SIDES.

I HAVE BEEN POOR AND I HAVE BEEN

A DRUG DEALER.

WE DON'T TAKE FOOD STAMPS.

WE DON'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT,

THAT'S JUST OUR POLICY AND I

DON'T THINK IT'S CHANGED.

AMERICA AS YOU WELL KNOW HAS

ZERO TOLERANCE FOR DRUGS AND

INFINITY TOLERANCE FOR GUNS.

I KNOW I'M IN OKLAHOMA SO I'M

GOING TO COVER MYSELF RIGHT

AWAY, AND SAY I AM A GUN OWNER,

I'M JUST NOT A GUN LOVER.

OKAY?

I DON'T TAKE PICTURES WITH IT, I

DON'T POLISH IT.

I DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR WITH IT.

I DON'T TAKE IT ON DATES TO

CHIPOTLE.

COME ON, HONEY, I'M GOING TO

SHOW YOU OFF TO THE FELLAS AT

HOME DEPOT.

THAT'S ONE OF THE BIG PROBLEMS

IS PSYCHOLOGICAL WITH GUNS.

WE LOVE THEM TOO MUCH.

EVERY YEAR, SOMEBODY -- THEY

KEEP A REGISTRY OF THE NAMES

THAT PARENTS ARE GIVING THEIR

NEWBORNS AND IN THE LAST FIVE

YEARS, PARENTS HAVE BEEN NAMING

KIDS GUN NAMES.

THEY'VE BEEN NAMING KIDS THINGS

LIKE PISTOL, SHOOTER, MAGNUM,

REMINGTON -- THIS IS SICK,

LIBERALS DON'T DO THIS, LIBERALS

DON'T NAME THEIR KIDS PREVIOUS

AND JUICER.

YOU KNOW MY BOY KALE, DON'T YOU?

HE'S A STRAPPING YOUNG LAD.

BUT HONESTLY WE DON'T EVER HAVE

A LOT OF MOVEMENT ON THE GUN

ISSUE BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE AN

ANTIGUN PARTY WE HAVE

REPUBLICANS WHO LOVE GUNS AND

DEMOCRATS LOVE THEM SLIGHTLY

LESS.

EVERY DEBATE BEGINS WITH AT

LEAST WE CAN ALL AGREE WE NEED

SOME GUNS TO GO OUT IN THE WOODS

AND MORTAR ANIMALS.

BECAUSE WE ARE SPORTSMEN.

ARE YOU?

ARE YOU REALLY?

IS IT A SPORT IF ONE TEAM

DOESN'T KNOW THE GAME IS GOING

ON?

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S A SPORT.

YOU SAW THAT ASSHOLE WITH A

GIRAFFE A COUPLE DAYS AGO, DID

YOU WANT TO STRANGLE HER?

THESE AFRICAN COUNTRIES, THEY

WILL SELL PERMITS TO GO AND

SHOOT THESE MAJESTIC ENDANGERED

BEASTS AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE

EXCUSES?

THEY SAY WE ALLOW YOU TO SHOOT

THESE ANIMALS BUT ONLY THE

OLDER, NONREADING MALES.

I TAKE THIS VERY PERSONALLY.

I DON'T THINK THIS IS A SLIPPERY

SLOPE THAT WE WANT TO GO DOWN.

I THINK THOSE ARE THE MOST

CONTRIBUTING PEOPLE IN SOCIETY

AND BEYOND THAT I HAVE TO SAY,

TURNING 60 IS -- WAS HARD ENOUGH

ENOUGH.

FIRST OF ALL WHEN I'M DRIVING TO

WORK AND I'M LOOKING FOR IT NOW,

I NEVER SEE PEOPLE MY AGE OUT.

IS THAT GUY?

NO.

WERE THEY ALL RAPTURE?

WERE ALLOWED TO BE OUT AT 60.

THE ONLY PLACE I SEE PEOPLE MY

AGE ARE IN CIALIS COMMERCIALS.

WHICH I THINK ARE VERY OBNOXIOUS

BECAUSE IT'S ALL THIS PRESSURE.

WILL YOU BE READY?

"WILL BE READY?

POST QUOTE NO WONDER GUYS HAVE

HEART ATTACKS AT 49, THEY HAVE

TO WORRY IF THE RAPTURE COMES,

THEY HAVE TO WORRY IF I HAVE A

HARD ON.

IF ONE OF THE RAPTURE COMES

WHILE I'M FUCKING YOU?

THEY WILL NEVER TAKE ME IF I'M

BALLS DEEP IN YOU.

THAT SMARMY VOICE OVER, ONE LOOK

CAN TURN THE ORDINARY INTO

SOMETHING MORE.

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF

MARRIAGE, ONE LOOK?

YES, SO BE READY, HAVE WOULD TO,

OKAY.

TAKE THE FOUR OUR PILL, NOW THEY

HAVE VIAGRA FOR EVERYDAY USE.

JUST KEEP IT HARD, SHE WILL LET

YOU KNOW, SHE WILL GIVE YOU THE

LOOK.

YOU CAN SEE THIS IN THE

COMMERCIAL BECAUSE THEY NEVER

JUST GET RIGHT TO BONING, THEY

DO STROLLING AND SON EGG AND

SHOPPING AND CANOODLING.

IS IT THIS MUCH WORK TO FUCK

YOUR OWN WIFE?

I'M SORRY I NEVER GOT ON BOARD

WITH THAT.

I SWEAR TO GOD THAT THERE'S ONE

WHERE THE COUPLE IS PUTTING THE

FINISHING TOUCHES ON A BIRDHOUSE

TOGETHER.

THERE LIKE "OH, IT'S ON."

AS SOON AS WE FINISH THIS

BIRDHOUSE.

I THINK I JUST GOT -- IS THAT

NOT THE LOOK?

I'M GONNA FUCK THE WHOLE IN THIS

BIRDHOUSE IN A MINUTE.

I AM NOT AGAINST MARRIAGE, I

HAVE NOT.

I'M AGAINST MARRIAGE FOR ME BUT

THIS IS A VERY PERSONAL ISSUE, I

GET IT.

SOME PEOPLE WOULD BE LOST

WITHOUT THEIR SPOUSE, I KNOW

GUYS WHO HATE IT WHEN THEIR WIFE

IS OUT OF TOWN.

ONE GUY, OKAY.

YOU HAD TO BUST ME ON THAT SO

QUICKLY?

ONE GUY, BUT HE'S SINCERE ABOUT

IT.

THERE IS THIS MEME, IS THIS A

MEAN?

I THINK THIS IS A MEAN, HAPPY

WIFE, HAPPY LIFE.

IT SOUNDS SO SWEET BUT IT'S

REALLY A THREAT.

THAT'S A NICE LIFE YOU GOT

THERE, SHAME IF ANYTHING WERE TO

HAPPEN TO IT.

SO I THINK YOU DO WANT TO GO TO

THE STORE AND PICK UP THOSE

ITEMS, I THOUGHT YOU DID.

THE OTHER MARRIAGE CLICHE I

LOVE, CELEBRITIES LOVE TO SAY

IT, WHAT'S THE SECRET TO YOUR

MARRIAGE?

THE GUY ALWAYS SAYS SHE KEEPS ME

GROUNDED.

I WAS DOING ALL OF THIS SOARING,

LUCKILY I GOT THIS BITCH TO

REMIND ME THAT I'M NOT ALL THAT,

SO THAT'S GREAT.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW A COUPLE

YEARS AGO OUR FRIENDS AT PFIZER

CAME OUT WITH LADY VIAGRA THAT

WOULD EVEN THINGS OUT WHICH IS

SILLY ON A NUMBER OF LEVELS.

FIRST OF ALL, EVEN THINGS OUT,

WOMEN AS WE ALL KNOW HAVE GOTTEN

A RAW DEAL THROUGHOUT HISTORY IN

ALMOST EVERY CIVILIZATION

INCLUDING UP UNTIL TODAY, THE

ONE AREA WHERE THEY GOT LUCKY

AND DON'T NEED EVENING OUT WAS

SEX.

MULTIPLE ORGASMS, YOU WIN.

YOU HAVE A MACHINE GUN, WE HAVE

A MUSKET.

DON'T EVEN ASK ABOUT TRYING TO

RELOAD THAT THING.

WITH THE POWDER AND THE...

HAVE THE TIME IT BLOWS UP IN

YOUR FACE.

NOT JUST MULTIPLE ORGASMS,

MULTIPLE ZONES.

WOMEN HAVE A VAGINA, AND A CLIT,

AND A G SPOT, THE G SPOT?

THEY ONLY FOUND IT DID 1985,

THAT'S HOW COMPLICATED WOMEN

ARE, THEY'RE STILL DISCOVERING

SHIT IN THE 80s.

IF THEY CAME TO ME IN 1985 AND

SAID "WE'VE DETECTED A THIRD

BALL THAT I THINK...

"I'M SURE WHEN I WAS TAKING OFF

THAT LIST OF EROGENOUS ZONES I'M

SURE AT LEAST SOME OF YOU OUT

THERE WERE SAYING COME ON, WHAT

ABOUT THE ASSHOLE?

WE TALKED ABOUT HIM THE WHOLE

FIRST HALF OF THE SHOW.

IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU,

DONALD TRUMP.

THIS IS ABOUT ME.

I MUST SAY, I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS

AGE.

FIRST OF ALL, I THOUGHT WHEN YOU

GOT TO THIS AGE IT WAS ALL ABOUT

A BUCKET LIST.

I HAVE NO BUCKET LIST.

NOT THAT I'VE DONE ANYTHING,

I'VE DONE A LOT OF THIS BECAUSE

I LIKE THIS.

ANYTHING I HAVEN'T DONE, I COULD

GIVE A FUCK.

I NEVER WENT SKIING, GOOD.

IT'S COLD AND I DIDN'T DIE ON

THE TREE, FANTASTIC.

I NEVER TOOK A DANGEROUS

VACATION TO SOME DUSTY PLACE

WHERE PEOPLE COULD TAKE A

CHICKEN ON A BUS, GOOD.

I'VE NEVER SEEN BREAKING BAD.

BUT I'M OTHERWISE A GOOD PERSON.

ALSO, I HAVE NEVER TO THE BEST

OF MY KNOWLEDGE I HAVE NEVER

FUCKED A REPUBLICAN.

TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE.

I DON'T MIND FUCKING YOUR BRAINS

OUT, I'M NOT GOING TO FUCK THEM

IN.

OF COURSE, THE BIG ONE, I NEVER

HAD CHILDREN, THAT'S A PERSONAL

CHOICE.

IT'S PERSONAL, THERE IS NO MORAL

DIMENSION TO IT, ICED, I GET IT,

PEOPLE STILL LIKE CHILDREN

THEY ARE VERY POPULAR.

JUST DON'T DEPUTIZE ME IN YOUR

BATTLE WITH PARENTING.

IF I DO A DRUG JOKE I DON'T WANT

TO GIVE MESSAGES FROM PEOPLE

YOU'RE GIVING A BAD MESSAGE TO

CHILDREN.

FIRST OF ALL, FUCK CHILDREN.

WE DIDN'T USE TO ORGANIZE OUR

LIVES ON WHAT CHILDREN MIGHT GET

INTO.

I FULLY ENDORSE YOU KEEPING ME

AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SMARTER

THAN THEM, KEEP YOUR GUNS AND/OR

DRUGS AND YOUR SEX TOYS AND BILL

MAHER AWAY FROM YOUR CHILDREN.

I HAVE SET UP MY LIFE IN SUCH A

WAY THAT I NEVER HAVE TO TALK TO

OR IN ANY WAY INTERACT WITH A

CHILD.

BUT WHAT I OCCASIONALLY SEE OF

IT LOOKS LIKE A NIGHTMARE.

WHERE DID PARENTS GET THIS IDEA

THEY HAVE TO NEGOTIATE WITH

THEIR KIDS ABOUT EVERYTHING?

I ALWAYS SEE "HEY BUDDY."

YOU'RE READY TO GO?

HOW ABOUT TO GET IN FUCKING CAR?

ALSO, EVERY PARENT I KNOW IS

ALWAYS SICK, SNIFFLING, COLD,

FLU, YEAH, BECAUSE OF KIDS.

THEY BRING DISEASE, THEY BRING

DRUGS, THEIR RAPISTS, AND SOME I

ASSUME ARE GOOD PEOPLE.

I WAS A FREE RANGE CHILD.

WE GREW UP ON TAP WATER,

BALONEY, AND RED DYE NUMBER TWO

SEAT BELTS WERE COMPLETELY

OPTIONAL, HELMETS, LET'S SAY THE

KIDS WHO WORE HELMETS WENT TO A

DIFFERENT SCHOOL.

AND I AM SO GLAD FOR MY "LEAVE

IT TO BEAVER" UPBRINGING.

I'M GLAD WHEN I WAS A KID THERE

WAS NO PORN ON THE PHONE.

NO WONDER THE KIDS ARE FUCKED

UP.

ALL OF MY FORMATIVE YEARS, ALL

OF THE MASTURBATION TOOK PLACE

WITHOUT ANY VISUAL AID

WHATSOEVER.

I HAD I DREAM OF JEANNIE ONCE A

WEEK AND A LITTLE ADDED MY

SISTER'S TEEN BEAT MAGAZINE TO

INCREASE YOUR BUST SIZE, ALL OF

MY EARLY WHACK --

I DID IT AGAIN.

ALL OF MY EARLY WHACK AND WAS IN

THE DARK UNDER THE COVERS IN MY

MIND.

SCENARIOS, IMAGES, MEMORIES,

THAT'S WHAT MADE ME THE MAN I AM

TODAY.

I READ ALL OF THESE REVELATIONS

THAT COME OUT FROM THE #MeToo

STUFF AND I'M LIKE I MUST HAVE

GROWN UP IN THE LAND THAT TIME

FORGOT.

EVEN IN MY FANTASIES I SWEAR TO

GOD, THERE'S NO WEIRDNESS.

EVEN IN MY FANTASY, I DON'T WANT

TO FUCK ANYBODY IN THE ASS.

THAT'S WHERE THE SHIT COMES OUT,

ARE YOU PEOPLE NUTS?

I DON'T WANT TO PLAY IN YOUR

ASS, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY IN

YOUR FEET, I DON'T WANT TO COME

ON YOUR FACE, I DON'T WANT TO

CHOKE YOU.

SHE CAN'T BREATHE, SEXY.

WHAT'S?

I DON'T WANT TO ROLE-PLAY, I

DON'T WANT TO DRESS UP AS A

MONEY.

DOESN'T ANYBODY JUST FUCK

ANYMORE?

I HAVE HAD THE SAME BASIC

FANTASY SINCE I WAS 11 YEARS

OLD.

A SUPER HOT CHICK LOVES ME AND I

MEAN FUCKING LOVES ME AND MY

DICK IS LIKE CRACK TO HER, THE

END.

THAT'S IT.

WHEN I LOST MY VIRGINITY AT THE

AGE OF 16 AND 1972, THEY HAD NOT

YET INVENTED THE SHAVEN PUSSY.

I WAS TELLING THIS RECENTLY TO

THIS MILLENNIAL KID AND IT BLEW

HIS MIND.

I SHOULD'VE GIVEN A TRIGGER

WARNING.

IT BLEW HIS MIND, HE'S LIKE

THAT'S AMAZING BECAUSE LOSING

YOUR VIRGINITY IS CONFUSING

ENOUGH AS IT IS.

I WAS LIKE TELL ME ABOUT IT, I

REMEMBER LOOKING DOWN IT WAS

LIKE -- IT LOOKED LIKE A BEETLE

WIG.

I REMEMBER THINKING I KNOW

WHAT'S AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

THAT'S WHAT I SAY ABOUT AMERICA.

AND OUR GREATNESS.

I KNOW IT'S AROUND HERE

SOMEWHERE AND WE ARE GOING TO

FIND IT AGAIN.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YOU WERE AN

AMAZING CROWD.

WERE GOING TO FIND IT AGAIN,

WERE GOING TO VOTE, WE'RE GOING

TO FOCUS AND WERE GOING TO STICK

TOGETHER.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU,

TULSA.

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