Original subtitles

(rhythmic cash register ringing)

♫ Ground floor: perfumery, stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware, and food, going up

♫ First floor: telephones, gents ready made suits

♫ Shirts, suits, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going up

(vacuum running)

♫ What a foggy day in London town

♫ He led me low, he led me down

♫ And suddenly I saw him there

Hello, Mr. Rumbold.

- Morning, Mr. Harman.

What are you doing?

- I'm glad you asked me that.

I'm running this tube up and down this carpet.

Due to the fact that there is a motor in here,

which causes a vacuum and thus sucks up the dust

off of the carpet, it goes down that pipe into a bag.

It's what is known as hoovering up the dust,

due to the fact that Hoover was the first in the market.

Now, if Goblin had been the first

in the market, I'd be goblin up the dust.

(audience laughs)

- I merely meant why are you doing it and not the cleaners?

- Well, seeing as how it's the worst fog we've had

since 1953, they phoned up to say they wasn't coming.

- I'm beginning to wonder if anyone's coming.

- Well, there's only two on the ground floor.

Mr. Akroyd's walking about with a candle

stuck on his head, so they know

where to go to get their bills signed.

(audience laughs)

- Well, how did the fog get in there?

- Some silly bloke left the side door open.

- How very careless.

- I don't know who it was, but rumor has it

he's a bald-headed person with

one or two other outstanding features.

(audience laughs)

(bell rings)

(audience laughs)

Enter, the demon king!

- Apparently some idiot left the side door open

and filled the place with fog.

- Yeah, well, the culprit is described as--

- That will do, Mr. Harman.

- You should be down in the basement.

- Oh, very well, but first, I'm going to the pets department

to procure for myself a canary,

which I will put in a cage and lower

to see if the atmosphere down there

is suitable for my respiratory organs.

(audience laughs)

Come on, R2D2.

(audience laughs)

- Well, at least you're here on time, Peacock.

Congratulations.

- Quite by chance.

I was coughing myself to death at the bus stop

when a vintage Rolls-Royce drew up.

And inside was none other than young Mr. Grace.

Without winding down the window,

he mouthed the words, "Would you like a lift?"

- I don't suppose he wanted the fog getting into his car.

- Indeed, he didn't.

I traveled eight miles on the running board.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, well, report to me when the others do arrive.

I have an important announcement to make.

- Certainly, sir.

(bell rings) (audience laughs)

Mr. Lucas, what on earth are you doing in that?

- Now that's charming, isn't it?

First time I've been early in three weeks,

and that's the welcome I get.

- You surely haven't hopped all the way from Highgate?

- I couldn't get home last night because of the fog,

so I spent the night in the camping department.

Unfortunately, the zippy's stuck.

- Oh, here, get out of this thing.

(bell ringing)

Look there, the store's open.

(audience laughs)

Mr. Lucas, that just lost us a sale.

Now, where are your clothes?

- They're still in the tent.

- Go and get them on.

And get a dressing gown out of stock.

(audience laughs) (bell rings)

- Oh, blimey, it's gonna be one of them days, isn't it?

(audience laughs)

Give us a hand, I've got Mrs. Slocombe in here.

(audience laughs)

- Push that side, I'll push this.

Now, push.

- Push.

- There we are.

(audience laughs)

- Alright, it's all clear in here, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Ooh, what about this fog?

Oh, my pussy's been gasping all night.

(audience laughs)

(Mrs. Slocombe coughs)

Ooh, and as for me drunk hills.

- It's a good thing you had your gas mask.

- I had it during the war, you know.

- 1418? (audience laughs)

- If you're going to have one of

your witty days, I'm going home.

(bell rings) (audience laughs)

- You'll never believe the trouble I've had getting here.

(audience laughs)

- (drowned out by background noise) you haven't

gone through the streets like that?

- Well, only as far as Tower Bridge.

The buses aren't running.

So I got into me gear, I went down

to the bottom of the garden, waved bye-bye

to me mother, and jumped in the canal.

I thought I'll turn right at the

sluice and come in with the tide.

Apart from a bit of a fracka with a boy at Battersea.

- Hmm?

- B-U-O-Y.

It was quite an uneventful trip.

Til I got picked up by the river police on their asdic.

A-S-D-I-C, full stop.

(audience laughs)

Apparently I was giving a very strange reading,

so they hauled me in, peeled me suit off,

showed me to the sergeant, who took one look at me

and said, "We don't keep tiddlers," and threw me back!

(audience laughs)

(rhythmic cash register dinging)

- What are you doing?

- I've just put new batteries in your stress indicator.

- Have I worn out already?

- Yes, you must be getting very

excited recently, you naughty boy.

- Well, it's that secretary of mine.

- Yes, well, let's see if your equipment's working properly.

(audience laughs)

Are you ready for the test?

- Yes.

(audience laughs)

Funny, I should be flashing.

(audience laughs)

Hold on a minute.

Try again.

(stress indicator buzzing) (audience laughs)

I'm alright.

- Are you alright, Mr. Grace?

- I'm alright.

Luckily they were only my reading glasses.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, Mr. Grace, you asked me to get Mr. Rumbold.

Well, he's on the line.

- You're looking very pretty this morning.

- Oh. (audience laughs)

Thank you very much, sir.

- How about dinner tonight?

- Oh, thank you very much, sir.

Do you want my wife as well?

- What are you going on about, Runbold?

(audience laughs)

- I said, "Do you want my wife?"

- You'd do anything to get on in this firm, wouldn't you?

(audience laughs)

- No, I have got a slight problem, sir.

The perfume display from the Bliss people has arrived,

but the Bliss girl, who was supposed to

serve behind the counter, hasn't.

- Well, uh, use your initiative.

- Oh, right, sir.

What shall I do?

(audience laughs)

- Get somebody else.

The Bliss people are paying us 50 pounds a day.

We don't want to lose that.

- You sent for me?

- Oh, yes, uh, unplug my charger, will you?

We don't want to waste electricity.

(audience laughs)

- Will there be anything else, sir?

- Yes, you're fired.

(audience laughs)

- So, anyway, we both came out of the pictures, you see,

and we got into her sports car,

and she's sitting there, brushing her long blonde hair

in the driving mirror, you know the way they do,

and she turns to me and she said,

"Um, should I drop you home?"

- You refused, of course.

- Well, no, she behaved herself quite well in the cinema.

(audience laughs)

Apart from when she reached over to get

a chocolate and I had the box on me lap.

(audience laughs)

- That was when she was looking for

the one with the hard center, was it?

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, she wasn't best pleased

when she had to make do with a marzipan.

(audience laughs)

Anyway, you see, we get outside the front door,

and she said, she looked at me, coy like,

you know, and she said, "Uh, are you

"going to invite me in for coffee?"

- And did you?

- No, I got a crack in me corner.

(audience laughs)

So, anyway, she said, "Well, we'll have to say goodnight

"here, then," and she flung her arms around me neck

and she grappled with me like Mick McManus.

- You never told me you've been out with Mick McManus.

(audience laughs)

- If you're going to mock me, I shall not

let you be privy to my confidences.

So, anyway, she presses a button,

and the seat flew back, and there I was,

about to be washed away on a tidal wave of passion,

when me mother banged on the bonnet

with a rolling pin and gave her a minute

to get out or make an honest man of me.

(audience laughs)

(phone rings)

Men's wear.

(audience laughs)

- Warick, shove it down about there.

That's it, Warick, there we are.

There.

Presenting the Bliss Pong Shop.

Where would you like it?

- It's to go over there.

You and you, take that counter away.

- Um, don't move, stand fast.

Captain Peacock, you do not tell

my men to take that counter away.

They are under my jurisprudence.

You tell me to take that counter away

and I tell them to take that counter away.

- Harman, take that counter away.

- It's Mr. Harman.

- Very well, Mr. Harman.

- What?

(audience laughs)

- Will you please take that counter away?

- Alright, you, you, counter, out.

(audience laughs)

- Just a minute.

Put that counter down.

- Mrs. Slocombe.

- Captain Peacock, I do not respond to any man's finger.

(audience laughs)

- You know, I used to have an aunt that said that.

(audience laughs)

Maiden aunt.

- Mrs. Slocombe, it is my understood prerogative

as floor walker to summon any of my subordinates

if I wish to give them my instructions.

Now, will you please exceed to my request?

- In a word, not on your nelly.

- It's exciting, innit?

You can feel the tension mounting.

(audience laughs)

- Mrs. Slocombe, I shall count to five,

and if you have not complied, then I shall

make an adverse entry in my book.

- The two of them should get sent off.

- One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

- Four and a half.

(audience laughs)

- Five.

Mrs. Slocombe, truculent and impertinent.

- Captain Peacock, I may have been truculent,

but I was certainly not impertinent.

- I've already entered impertinent in my book.

- Oh, well, in that case.

(Mrs. Slocombe blows raspberry)

(audience laughs and claps)

(rhythmic cash register dinging)

- Now, let me get this clear, you

wiggled your finger at Mrs. Slocombe?

- I did not wiggle it, sir.

I did that.

(audience laughs)

- And Mrs. Slocombe took exception?

- Correct.

- What sort of exception did she take?

(audience laughs)

How dare you, Peacock.

I asked you a perfectly civil question.

(audience laughs)

- I was merely illustrating the gesture

that Mrs. Slocombe made to me.

- Gestured with fingers, yes, I've got that written down.

And were there any witnesses to this sign?

- Well, we only saw it from a distance.

For all I know, she might have only used one finger.

- Mr. Humphries, did you see her raising two fingers?

- Oh, yes.

As a matter of fact, I thought she was doing it to me.

She often does.

(audience laughs)

- What, as an inflammatory sign?

- No, to save two seats for the canteen.

- So, Captain Peacock might have

misinterpreted this gesture, yes.

Are there any other complaints concerning Mrs. Slocombe?

- Well, the next complaint I have against her

is that she made a noise I objected to.

- What sort of noise?

(Peacock blows raspberry) (audience laughs)

Yes, that is an objectionable noise.

Why did you do this, Mrs. Slocombe?

- Well, his wiggling finger got right up my nose.

(audience laughs)

- Peacock, Peacock, you didn't tell me this.

You must give me all the facts.

Now let's start again.

You put your finger up Mrs. Slocombe's nose,

(audience laughs)

causing her to snort in a sort of (blows raspberry).

(audience laughs)

Then, logically, she would put up two fingers

to protect her nose from your probing digit.

(audience laughs)

This in turn Mr. Humphries misinterpreted as a request

for him to save her two seats in the canteen.

(audience laughs)

Have you anything else written down in your book

that you'd like me to clarify?

(audience laughs)

- Not on your nelly.

- Oh, well, if that's it, there's no more to be said.

Rather a waste of time, really.

- Yes, indeed, sir.

- When am I going to get my counter back?

- Not for a week.

The young Mr. Grace has done a deal

with Bliss Perfume, so I'm afraid

we'll just have to grin and bear it.

- I find the two very rarely go together.

(audience laughs)

- But, um, we do have a problem.

Because the Bliss girl hasn't arrived,

so I'm afraid you and Miss Brahms

will have to handle the Bliss merchandise.

- I'm not sacrificing my commission

to sell cheap scent, and I am unanimous in this.

(audience laughs)

- But the counter has to be manned.

- Well, there's only two of us.

There's three of them.

Why don't one of them do it?

- Ungrammatical, but logical.

(audience laughs)

The question is, which one?

(audience laughs)

(rhythmic cash register dinging)

- Pew, what a pong.

- I have to test it if I'm going to sell it.

Smell that, Secret Rendezvous.

- Ooh, it wouldn't be easy to have

a secret rendezvous wearing that.

(audience laughs)

Everybody'd know you'd been there.

- Lady and the Tramp.

A bit more tramp than lady, eh.

(audience laughs)

- Here.

- What's that?

- Gay Divorce.

- (coughs) Ooh, I don't like that.

Oh, we'll cancel that out.

- Pew, what's that?

- Butch Cassidy.

(audience laughs)

- Ooh, don't they smell awful when they all get together?

- Do you know my old headmaster

would give a fortune to smell me now?

He'd say, "I knew, I told you."

(audience laughs)

- What sort of a school did you go to, Mr. Humphries?

- Mixed.

- Oh, yeah, girls and boys.

- No, just boys.

(audience laughs)

- Uh, Mr. Lucas, I'm just going to

have a word with Captain Peacock.

Will you take over from me?

- Certainly, Mr. Tebbs.

- Ah, Stephen, are you free?

- At the moment, Mr. Tebbs.

And may I remind you that first names are used

only in the canteen, or after and before the bell.

- I see.

In that case, I don't want to talk to you.

(audience laughs)

- (laughs) Blimey, that was a short word.

- Tidy up that glove drawer, Mr. Lucas.

- But it is tidy.

(audience laughs)

- It isn't now.

- Peacock told you off, did he?

- Better do the tie drawer as well.

(audience laughs)

- Alright, alright, I give in, I give in.

- Ah, Mr. Lucas.

I'm glad to see you usefully employed

in tidying the drawers.

- Thank you, sir.

- The tie drawer is also in a terrible mess.

I suggest you tidy it up, Mr. Tebbs,

instead of standing there, twiddling your thumbs.

- I am not twiddling my thumbs.

I'm in charge of this counter,

and if I want my drawers untidied,

I shall have them untidied.

(audience laughs)

- Now, let me get this clear, there's been

yet another fracka on the floor?

One thing I want to get straight right away.

Did Captain Peacock put his finger up your nose?

(audience laughs)

- No, of course he didn't.

- Well, then what caused you to lose your temper?

- He was sticking his nose into my business.

(audience laughs)

- Ah, noses do come into it.

I thought so.

There's always a common factor, you know.

- This whole dispute is caused by the perfume counter.

- And what's perfume associated with?

Noses.

Quite extraordinary.

- It's because Mr. Humphries is on the

perfume counter and unable to exercise

his tidy influence on Mr. Tebbs' counter.

- It's got nothing to do with tidiness, Mr. Rumbold.

It's because Mr. Humphries isn't with us and we're

undermanned, and that's upset Mr. Tebbs, hasn't it?

- Right, there would be raised eyebrows

in the trade if it were found out

that I'd been alone in the jets with a junior.

(audience laughs)

- Yes, I do take his point, don't you, Peacock?

- Absolutely, sir.

But I didn't take Mr. Humphries away.

I would never allow Mr. Tebbs to have

less than two assistant salesmen.

- You are quite right, Peacock.

I was wrong.

It's obviously causing bad feeling,

and I shall rectify it immediately.

- Yes, sir.

Shall I ask Mr. Humphries to return?

- No, no, you will take his place.

(audience laughs)

- I will take his place?

- That's what I said.

- I must protest.

- No, no, it's not a matter for discussion.

I've made a decision.

- I'm not taking over as senior salesman

serving behind the mens counter.

- Ooh, quite correct.

You are taking over Mr. Humphries' position

as assistant salesman under Mr. Tebbs.

(audience laughs)

- I'll show you the ropes.

(audience laughs)

- You better sign for your tape and chalk.

- If this gets into the Floor Walker's Gazette,

he'll be ruined. (audience laughs)

- Let me get one thing straight.

Mr. Lucas will still be under me, will he not?

- Of course.

- Good.

(rhythmic cash register dinging)

- Will you just come this way, madam?

We'll try it on in the fitting room.

It's just behind that curtain there.

Take over, Mr. Humphries.

- Yes, Mrs. Slocombe.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- So it is true, then, you have been demoted.

I wouldn't be surprised to see a poppy

growing over there in the spot where you used to stand.

See, it's all over the building.

I just couldn't believe it.

Not Captain Peacock reduced to the ranks.

- That'll do, Harman.

- Excuse me, are you senior enough

to sign for these sweaters?

Oh, that's a swanky pen for a junior.

- I am not a junior.

Now get about your business.

- Well, you want to be careful

if you come down to the stock room.

We always debag new boys.

(audience laughs)

- What are you doing, Steve?

- Lucas, you will continue to address me as Captain Peacock.

And I would have thought that it was obvious

even to a man of your poor intelligence

that I am folding a sweater.

- (laughs) Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, Mr. Tebbs would never stand for that.

Excuse me.

Now he likes it like this, you see, face down

and fold that side over there like that,

bend the arm down there, fold that one in like that,

bend that arm down there, then over there like that,

and there you are, you've got it, you see.

You'll soon learn.

Couple of weeks, you'll soon get the hang of it.

(audience laughs)

- I shall not be here in a couple of weeks.

- Well, that's up to Mr. Rumbold, isn't it?

I mean, he goes like that, and you jump.

Do you know, I felt really sorry for you in there.

I mean, I thought to myself,

he made you look about that big.

I thought to myself, what a comedown, I thought,

after all those glorious years in the Pay Corps.

- The Royal Army Service Corps.

(audience laughs)

- Whatever it is.

I mean, do you have to accept that

sort of humiliation lying down,

but I mean what else can you do at your time of life?

I mean, even if you resign and go to

the Labor Exchange, what's going to happen?

Yes, I can see it all now.

There you are in the queue, you get up to the counter,

you put in your card, and a voice says,

"Now, then, Peacock, what are we going to do with you, man?

(audience laughs)

"What are your qualifications?

"We don't have no jobs for nobody

"standing around looking snooty all day.

"You (mumbles) up to Monday, next week."

(audience laughs)

- Lucas, tidy the handkerchief drawer.

- But it is tidy.

(audience laughs)

(drowned out by background noise)

White trash.

- Blimey, she's got a right one in there.

- Oh, she should be so lucky.

Four o'clock and not a drop sold.

- Miss Brahms, while you're at it, bring me another corset.

The size 40 Multi-hold Jumbo Expander.

(audience laughs)

- The last time I saw something like that,

it was being used to restrain King Kong.

- You haven't seen what she's got in there.

- Excuse me.

- Oh, you gave me quite a start.

- I wonder if you could help me.

- Well, I'm just standing in for someone

at the moment, but I'll do my best.

- Well, I'm not very happy with these stockings.

- What seems to be the complaint?

- Well, they ran as soon as I put them on.

- Well, yes, I think I'd do the same.

(audience laughs)

- Well, what are you going to do about it?

- Well, at the moment, I'm riveted to the spot.

- Well, I think the least you could do

is to give me another pair.

- Oh, yes, of course.

As a matter of fact, I'll give you two pairs.

There we are.

And if these should run, don't hesitate

to bring them back and show them to me.

I could start a whole new way of life.

(audience laughs)

- Thank you, that's really very sweet of you.

- Oh, not at all.

How could I resist such a lovely smile?

- You're a very charming young man.

I'm quite sure you're going to go a long way.

- Do you know, the last time anyone said that to me,

I was standing in a white circle

singing All Things Bright and Beautiful?

(woman laughs)

- Men are so aggressive these days, aren't they?

- Isn't that the truth?

- They only want one thing.

- They don't have much choice, do they?

(audience laughs)

Why don't you buy a hat?

- Oh, why do you say that?

- I've got the very hat that will go with those lovely eyes.

Not many people can wear hats.

You've got a hat face.

Hang on a minute.

Oh, I love it, I love it.

It's Dr. Zhivago, it's Garbo, it's Orient Express.

And it's reduced.

- I like it. I'll have it.

It's all on my husband's account, anyway.

- Oh, in that case, why don't you

treat yourself to a coat?

I don't suppose you'll be able to afford it,

but let's just slip it on for fun.

(woman laughs)

- Oh, just the feel of it does something for me.

- Oh, yes, I find that the same.

(audience laughs)

- 3,000 pounds?

He'll have a heart attack.

- Well, fortunately it is black.

(audience laughs)

- Have you got a long mirror?

- Well, I'm afraid it's engaged at the moment.

- Oh, well, would you mind trying it on?

Then I can stand back and look.

- Not at all.

As you can see, it's got the lovely high collar.

Very haute couture.

Deep pockets, a nice full back.

Note the swirl.

(audience laughs)

And of course with the high heels,

you get that lovely bounce.

(audience laughs)

- Do you know, I'm really very tempted.

- Mr. Humphries.

What do you think you're doing?

- Madam has practically decided to take this with her.

- But it's 3,000 pounds.

- I know, and I'm earning the commission.

- Not if I can persuade her to

have something else, you're not.

Good afternoon, madam.

- Are you being served, madam?

Oh, blimey!

(audience laughs)

- Miss Brahms, bring the fox.

- Which one?

- The 3,000 nicker one.

(audience laughs)

I am the senior saleslady.

I'm so sorry I wasn't here to help you.

- Oh, no, that's quite alright.

I've been very well looked after.

- Yes, now, how about this, madam?

Why don't you try this on before you make up your mind?

- Well, do you mind trying it on?

It gives me a better idea.

- Well, certainly, madam.

Give me a hand, Miss Brahms.

Oh, drat, the lining's gone.

Come here.

You see, this is a casual, wraparound style.

Very easy to get on and off.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

Where's me arm gone?

- It's in the lining.

- What do you think?

- You look like a cross between Nelson and Basil Brush.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I'm not really sure about the color.

Do you know, I'm rather sold on the black.

- Get me that one, the one at the end.

(audience laughs)

- That's what happens when you buy a cheap coat.

- Now this one is suitable for almost any occasion.

It's Persian lamb.

- And it's 1,000 pound cheaper than the one he's wearing.

- Suitable for day wear, or a night at the opera.

- I remember Groucho Marx wearing it.

(audience laughs)

- Do you know, that really is rather nice.

Would you mind modeling it for me?

- Well, certainly, madam.

Ignore the shoes.

(audience laughs)

- Uh, could I see yours again?

- Certainly.

(audience laughs)

- It's so difficult to decide.

It's very distracting seeing those trousers and that hair.

- Hang on a minute.

(audience laughs)

♫ All things bright and beautiful

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

- I love it.

Look, here's my card.

Charge it and send it round.

Good afternoon.

- Good afternoon. (chuckles)

- Drat.

(audience laughs)

- Come, everybody, young Mr. Grace.

- [All] Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Grace.

- Good afternoon, Peacock.

You've been demoted, I see.

- Purely a temporary measure, sir.

- Has he been scribbling on the walls again?

(audience laughs)

- That humorous cartoon, sir, was 15 years ago.

- I thought he got your ears very well.

Oh, is that the new girl from Bliss?

- Oh, no, no, sir, that's not the Bliss girl.

She couldn't get here because of the fog.

- They sent a very attractive substitute.

(audience laughs)

Have you got a boyfriend?

- Not at the moment.

(audience laughs)

- I've got a table at Romano's

with caviar and a step-up dinner.

Would you care to join me?

- Well, it is Monday, me mother's only got cottage pie.

(audience laughs)

- That's settled then.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

♫ Ground floor: perfumery, stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware, and food, going up

♫ First floor: telephones, gents ready made suits

♫ Shirts, suits, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes, going up

♫ Second floor: carpets, travel goods, and bedding

♫ Materials, soft furnishings, restaurants, and ties

♫ Going down

♫ First floor: telephones, gents ready made suits

♫ Shirts, suits, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going up