Original subtitles

(cash register ringing)

♫ Ground floor perfumery, stationery, and leather goods,

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware, and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones, gents' ready-made suits,

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Do you need a hand to hold someone what loves you.

♫ You need hands as you go on your

- What are you doing Mr. Harmon?

- It's the new unisex display model made in Japan.

Do you like that?

It's a fella.

Like that, it's a bird.

(audience laughing)

- It looks a bit odd.

- You're right.

I got me Rachel Welsh mixed up with me Twiggies.

(audience laughing)

- You are awful.

- [Beverley] Good morning, Mr. Grace.

- [Cleaning Woman] Good morning.

- Good morning, everybody.

- [Beverly] Everybody's not here Mr. Grace.

- Mr. Grace is stopping at every floor

to welcome people back from their holidays.

- Did you and your secretary have a nice time

on your yacht, Mr. Grace?

- No, it was all up and down, up and down.

It was ridiculous.

- [Beverly] Rough weather?

- Well, it wouldn't likely be anything else, would it?

(audience laughing)

- With his money, and my body.

- I think I'd rather have his money.

(bell ringing)

- Morning, Mr. Harmon.

- Morning, Mr. Rumbold.

Did you and Mrs. Rumbold have a nice holiday?

- Yes, thank you.

We went to the Coconut Islands.

(audience laughing)

- What's happened to your head?

- I got hit by a coconut.

Get this model off the floor until its dressed, Mr. Harmon.

The customers will be coming in before long.

- Come on, girl.

♫ Hold my hand, I'm a stranger in paradise

Come on, girl.

- Captain Peacock, you're all cutting it rather fine today.

What's this?

It's from your doctor.

This is to certify that S. Peacock is suffering

from a throat condition acquired

during a yodeling holiday in Switzerland.

I have prescribed for him Larynguex pills,

a gargle, and Nodule Gone throat spry.

Although fit for work, he should use his voice

as little as possible.

Dear me, wont' the customers think it rather strange

if you don't speak to them?

- They'd find it even more strange

if I do speak to them.

(laughing)

- I'm sorry, Peacock.

You must admit it's an extraordinary effect.

- If I use this throat spray, it temporarily cures it.

What happened to your head?

- Coconut fell on it.

(laughing)

- I'm sorry, sir.

That's very funny.

- When does he think you'll be better?

- In about a week, sir.

Unhappily, there are one or two unfortunate side effects.

(groaning)

(sneezing)

(yelling)

Like that.

- Never mind, I'll get it.

(crunching)

(audience laughing)

I'm sorry.

We'll send out for some more.

How long does this stuff last?

- Not very long.

(audience laughing)

(bell ringing)

- Good heavens, what's happened to your hair?

- My what?

- Your hair on your head?

- What's the matter with your voice?

- I spent my holiday taking elocution

and deportment lessons.

Good morning, Mr. Rumbold.

- Morning, Miss Brahms.

I must say it's a remarkable transformation.

- Yes, I had my voice on one of their tapes,

and I must say I didn't half sound dead common.

(audience laughing)

- What on Earth is the matter with you, Mr. Lucas?

- I burnt me feet in Skegness.

- In Skegness?

- There was this female acrobat, you see,

and she took me back to her flat.

(laughing)

She was just showing my how to juggle

with a couple of grapefruit and a cucumber

standing on me head when her father came in.

- What's this got to do with burnt feet?

- Well, he's a fire eater on the pier.

He took one swig of paraffin from his zip flask,

flicked his Ronson, breathed out,

and it was Towering Inferno with me going head first

down the fire escape.

If he hadn't been short of breath coming up the stairs,

I wouldn't be able to sit down either.

- It's a pity he didn't singe your hair.

It looks dreadful.

- Yes, I'll get it cut right away, Mr. Rumbold.

- No, you will not, Mr. Lucas.

You will do it in your coffee break.

(sneezing)

I trust you're not catching a cold, Mr. Lucas.

- Well, I wouldn't be surprised.

It's very unhealthy putting your trousers on

after they've been slung off the end of a jetty.

(audience laughing)

(bell ringing)

(audience laughing)

- I've never seen such a whopping conch.

(audience laughing)

- Before anybody else makes any funny cracks,

this is a plastic cover.

My nose caught a touch of the sun

on the Costa Blanca.

And, this here contains soothing ointment

which must be kept on as long as possible.

- I wouldn't take it off Mrs. Slocombe.

It balances the rest of your face.

(audience laughing)

- When I want advice from you, I'll ask for it, Samson.

(audience laughing)

- Apart from the nose, I trust you had

an enjoyable holiday.

- I did not.

You know the reputation these Spaniards have

for bottom pinching and jumping on defenseless ladies

at night on the beach.

- Was it all true?

- No, none of it.

(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)

- As you can see, I've come straight from the airport.

- And, you are very nearly late, Mr. Humphries.

- You're lucky to have me here at all.

I had a customs officer that was working to rule.

"What are you looking for," I said.

"We're on the trail of an international gang

of rhinoceros horn smugglers," he said.

"Well, I'm not hiding one where you're looking," I said.

Me hold all isn't big enough.

Anyway, I've only been to Guernsey.

- You can't serve customers dressed like that.

- I'm surprised they let him into Guernsey

dressed like that.

- Don't worry, I've got me other clothes in here.

In a couple of ticks, I shall be back

to my normal self, or as near as I can be.

Captain Peacock, how nice to see you.

Did you have a pleasant holiday?

- Yes, very nice, thank you.

(audience laughing)

- If you're gonna take the mickey, I'm sorry I asked.

(audience laughing)

- Don't go, Mr. Humpries.

I have a small announcement to make.

- Excuse me, Mr. Rumbold.

Before you start spouting, I've got Captain Peacock

throat spray from the chemist counter.

- Thank goodness for that.

He got a throat infection during a yodeling holiday.

Has that made it alright?

- Yes, thank you, sir, for the time being.

I caught it doing the Alpine Horn competition.

Unfortunately, my team were all using the same horn,

and I was in last, and in the excitement,

I forgot to wipe the end.

(laughing)

- That can happen when you're in a hurry.

(audience laughing)

- As I was saying I have a small announcement to make.

- Mr. Humpries, Mr. Lucas.

- Now, as you know, Mr. Tebbs is taking over

as head of the Gentlemen's Department.

And, I must say that Mr. Humpries was considered

for the position, but the board felt

that he was too young.

- I'm disappointed but flattered.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Tebbs, are you there?

- I'm here, Mr. Rumbold, waiting and eager.

- This is Mr. Tebbs.

- [Rest Of Employees] Morning.

- Morning!

- I expect he's known to most of you.

10 years in bathroom bittings, three in footwear,

almost entirely responsible for modernizing greeting cards

and novelties, and finally, four years in bedding.

- You've left out soft furnishings.

- Have I?

- Yes, that would be between bathroom fittings and footwear.

- How long were you there?

- 18 months.

- Mr. Tebbs was also 18 months in soft furnishings.

- Yes, I resigned when they introduced bean bags.

- Quite right.

(audience laughing)

- Yes well, with a record like that

I'm sure we're all honored to have him with us.

Now, this is Mr. Humphries your senior assistant.

I'm sure if there's anything you can't find,

he will find it for you.

(audience laughing)

- And, if Mr. Humphries can't find it,

it won't be worth looking for.

(audience laughing)

- That's Mr. Lucas.

Now, Mrs. Slocombe, I expect you already know.

- We have not actually met, but do move to each other.

- Move.

- When we see each other across the store, we move.

- I always thought he had a stiff neck.

(audience laughing)

- This is Miss Brahms, Ladies' Junior.

- Delighted to make your acquaintance, I'm sure.

- Ta, Captain Peacock, of course, I know of old.

He's quite a legend at Grace Brothers.

- Very nice to have you on our floor Percival.

- Thank you, Stephen.

- They're as thick as thieves already.

(bell ringing)

- There's the bell.

Places everybody.

And, good luck, Mr. Tebbs.

- Thank you.

- This way, Mr. Tebbs.

I'm sure you'll find everything runs quite smoothly.

If there are any little changes you'd like to make,

don't hesitate to say so.

May I present you with a new tape.

- Thank you.

- I usually work at this end and young Mr. Lucas

looks after that end.

- Oh no.

Oh no!

No, no, no, no.

No, no, I'm afraid that won't do at all.

I will work at that end, and Mr. Lucas can work

on this side of you.

There, that's much better.

You see it's only a little detail but very important.

We must look after the little things.

Big things take care of themselves.

(audience laughter)

- Isn't that the way of the world?

(audience laughing)

- Your nose is all swelled, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Well, I bust the blister on a sangria goblet.

(audience laughing)

There's a customer.

You deal with her while I make repairs.

- Good morning.

- Good morning, madam.

- I'm looking for a suit to wear mainly for town.

- Oh yes, we have a frightfully nice one in brown

for round and about 40 pounds.

- How dare you try to imitate me?

You checky little bounder!

(audience laughing)

- Miss Brahms, I think you'd better drop

the posh accent during working hours.

- Well, how did she know I weren't one of her?

(audience laughing)

- Because the quality don't wear their bosoms

hitched up round their ear holes.

- Well, in that case, you should be top

of next year's honors list.

- Get a brush and sweep out the fitting rooms.

They're very mucky.

And, it's the last time I discuss my blister

with you on a friendly level!

(audience laughing)

- That's much better, Mr. Humphries, quite dapper.

Did you get that suit of the peg?

- Well, yes and no.

My mother shortened the sleaves, and I got a friend

who's a wizard with gussets.

(audience laughing)

- Quite a contrast to Mr. Lucas.

That handkerchief is not up to my standard.

Does the boy know how to flute?

- Well, he has been shown, Mr. Tebbs,

but he's very forgetful.

(audience laughing)

- Let us all do it together please.

Handkerchiefs on the counter.

Grasp the center with a forefinger and thumb, lift,

prepare to flute.

Flute.

(audience laughing)

Mr. Humpries, I think you'll find

a little starch in the water will put that right.

- It's nice to know there's a cure.

(audience laughing)

- Now, bend, reverse, insert, and flare.

Now, that's how I want to see them every morning just so.

(sneezing)

(audience laughing)

(cash register ringing)

You know, I, once, actually sold

seven simulated antique solid flush toilet suites

in one day.

They still talk about it in bathroom fittings.

- I had no idea it was so exciting down there,

did you, Mr. Humpries?

(audience laughing)

- I think it's the way Mr. Tebbs tells it.

- I'm glad you're all here.

I've just come from the board room

where I was attending a very important meeting.

- Yes, we thought there was something up,

so we had your toad in the hole

put back in the oven.

(audience laughing)

I know you've probably all read

that there's to be a royal visit to the borough.

Now, it appears that they're planning

a walkabout on Thayer Street.

Now, this will take the royal party right passed

Grace Brothers main entrance.

- No?

- What an honor.

- Just think of it, they'll be walking passed our entrance.

- I can just imagine it, can't you?

There they are walking down the street

when, suddenly, the queen nudges Philip.

"Do you know where we are," she says.

"No," he says, "Surprise me."

This is Grace Brothers Department Store

where rumor has it one man sold seven lavatories in one day.

(audience laughing)

I oughta pop in and give him the award for industry.

- I find these young people with their communist attitudes

very tiresome.

- Well, Mr. Lucas may well joke,

but if the schedule permits, the royal party

may very well come into Grace Brothers

for a little informal shopping.

- Oh, the queen in our store!

- Of course, we have had a queen here before.

(audience laughing)

- What is it are you actually suggesting, Captain Peacock?

- Queen Mary accompanied King George the Fifth

as part of the jubilee celebrations.

- Did he buy anything?

- His majesty did express interest

in homburg, and naturally, it was given to him.

- What without paying?

- It's protocol Miss Brahms.

If they express interest in something,

it is automatically given to them.

- They might have Charles with them.

He might express an interest in Miss Brahams,

and we'll have to send her up Sandringham.

(audience laughing)

- I have read that royals have married commoners before.

- Commoners, Miss Brahms, but not dead common commoners.

(audience laughing)

- You're being right rotten to me today.

- Well, you was very rude concerning my bust,

and I'm very sensitive about it.

- It's a very ticklish subject, isn't it, Mrs?

(audience laughing)

- You're a very naughty boy.

- Do you think that the royal party

might actually come into our department?

- Well, our orders are to be prepared.

You see, so young Mr. Grace wants us to be acquainted

with the correct procedure.

I, therefore, have to ask you all if you will volunteer

to come in after hours.

- Speaking for the ladies, it will be an honor,

and I am unanimous in that.

- I agree entirely.

And, speaking on behalf of the men,

we are ready and willing.

(laughing)

- That just leaves you, Mr. Humpries.

(audience laughing)

- Mrs. Slocombe's right, you are a naughty boy.

(audience laughing)

(cash register ringing)

- Mr. Tebbs?

- Yes.

- Has your department rehearsed what you intend to do?

- Well, I hear that our Mr. Humphries

has a rare talent in these matters,

so I rather left everything to him.

Mr. Humphries.

- Yes.

Young Mr. Grace will bring the royal couple up

in the royal lift, and I thought it's be rather nice

when they arrive at the department, if we give them

a polite and loyal round of applause.

Like this.

(clapping)

- Oh yes, charming.

I like what I'm hearing.

- Oh good.

(phone ringing)

No, don't answer that.

That's the signal they're on their way up.

Mrs. Slocombe and Captain Peacock have consented

to stand in for the royal couple.

Places everybody.

(bell ringing)

(audience laughing)

(clapping)

- Your royal highnesses.

- Hang on a minute, your royal highnesses.

Hang on.

(audience laughing)

- No, stop, no!

Mr. Harmon, this red carpet will have to be

at the bottom of the stairs.

- Alright, if you say so.

(audience laughing)

- Are you mad?

If that had been the real thing,

you'd be in the Tower of London.

Just leave it where it is for now.

You can't come up in the same lift as them.

- Oh I see, I'm rubbish isn't I?

Let me tell you it's people like me

that stand and cheer and wave flags

as they go passed in their coach.

- You're not in the coach with them though, are you?

Right, we'll carry on.

Now then, start again.

(gasping)

(audience laughing)

(knocking)

- There you are, you see,

they don't even know about the lift.

Right now, Mr. Grace has gone off with the queen.

- I'm sorry your majesty, my elbow

must've caught the button.

- Well, accidents will happen.

- Better if we started again inside the lift.

- Yes, but hurray up.

All of you, standby for the applause.

(knocking)

Are the royal couple ready?

- [Betty] Oh, get on with it.

(audience laughing)

- Right this way, your royal highnesses.

(clapping)

(audience laughing)

- Forget the sword!

Just undo the belt.

- Hang on.

(audience laughing)

- That's not quite the effect we were looking for.

- He's wearing Grace Brothers wide fronts.

- To the tight luster by appointment.

(audience laughing)

- Shall we start again?

- No, carry on.

- I should like to introduce you to the gentlemen

of the Gentlemen's Department.

- Mr. Grace, you can't do it from up there.

- Well, someone will have to get me down then.

(audience laughing)

- [Betty] Come on.

- Mrs. Slocombe, the queen doesn't dash upstairs

to bring Mr. Grace down.

Come and stand next to your prince consort.

Mr. Rumbold will you help him?

- By the time he gets down, they'll be back at the palace.

(audience laughing)

- Look, wouldn't it be better if you stayed in your office,

and we could tell you all about it when it was over?

- No, I'm going to be here.

Get me a chair.

- Mr. Grace, you cannot sit down in the presence

of the monarch.

- It's either that or fall down.

(audience laughing)

- It's quite alright.

We understand.

- Here you are, Mr. Grace.

- [Wilberforce] Now, say your words.

- What were they?

- Well, you wrote them down.

- Oh yes, so I did.

I wonder what I did with them.

- There we are.

(laughing)

No, that's your gas bill.

(audience laughing)

Fifi La Feme, ring top bell and go

straight up to the third floor.

(audience laughing)

No wonder you couldn't get down those stairs.

- I haven't got me reading glasses.

- After me.

It gives me great pleasure.

- It gives me great pleasure.

(audience laughing)

- To welcome you.

- To welcome you.

- To Grace Brothers Gents.

- To Grace Brothers Gents.

- Department.

- Department.

(audience laughing)

- How come she's being introduced to the gents first?

- Yes, I was wondering that?

- Yes, supposing she wants to go to the ladies first?

- Well, we'll just have to hang around for a bit.

- Now, we'll take it from where the royal couple

approach the Gents Department.

Hang on, let me get to my position.

Right, go.

(phone ringing)

Stop, wait.

(phone ringing)

Men's wear.

(audience laughing)

Oh hello, mother.

No love, no, I can't talk now 'cause I'm rehearsing

for the queen's visit.

No, not to your place, dear.

No here, at Grace Brothers.

Grace Brothers where I work.

The vicar's with you?

Well, what's that got to do with me?

Well, I can't help it if his church roof's leaking.

Look, I'll tell you what under my mattress

there's an old football sock full of pound notes.

No, don't give him the money.

Give him the sock.

Tell him to ball it up and bung it in the roof

at the church and pray for a drought.

(audience laughing)

I'm sorry about that.

Now, where were me?

- My husband and I was about to approach

the Gentlemen's Department, and could you please

get a move on?

These shoes are playing havoc with my bunion.

(audience laughing)

- Carry on.

- Mr. Lucas, you're going too far.

- All you've got to do is bow.

- Your majesty, it is a great privilege

and an honor for a humble store such as ours.

- Mr. Rumbold, you can't bow with that plaster

on your head.

It's macabre.

- But, I have to make some sort of gesture of respect.

- If you're going to bow, we'll have to cover it up.

Excuse me.

Here.

(laughing)

- Control yourself, my dear.

- Carry on.

(audience laughing)

Follow me.

(audience laughing)

Now, let's be serious.

(audience laughing)

This is a moment you're going to remember

for the rest of your lives.

Start from the foot of the stairs, go back a bit.

Mr. Grace?

Mr. Grace?

The Queen's here.

- Bloody hell.

(audience laughing)

- Just a minute, let me get into position.

Right, Mr. Grace now, do your speech.

- Something, something, something.

Something, something.

Something.

(clapping)

- Your majesty, it's a great honor and a privilege.

(audience laughing)

(laughing)

- I won't have it.

I won't have it!

You must do it properly!

Mrs. Slocombe, now, you're the queen,

and you're him, so let's have a bit of royal decorum.

Now come on, to the top of the stairs again.

(audience laughing)

Lovely.

Now then, dignity, a disdainful smile,

chest out, not you Mrs. Slocombe.

Glide, glide.

- I don't want to interrupt, but I'm locking the store.

You've got 30 seconds to get out.

(audience laughing)

(cash register ringing)

(audience laughing)

- The royal party is already in the borough.

You ladies from display should've finished by now.

(bell ringing)

(audience laughing)

- How do you like the outfit, sir?

Grace Brothers traditional lift outfit.

Unfortunately, the people what used to wear it

was traditionally smaller.

(audience laughing)

- I don't think the royal party

want to see your combinations, Mr. Harmon.

Haven't you got any longer socks?

- No, Mr. Rumbold.

But, if it pleases you, I'll go over them

with black aerosol.

(audience laughing)

- You look very smart, Captain Peacock.

- Thank you, sir.

- I hope the queen don't mind the smell of moth balls.

(audience laughing)

- Where is everybody?

- We're free.

- And, ready for inspection.

- Very nice Percival.

And, oh God.

(audience laughing)

Mr. Humphries, is it necessary for you to stand like that?

- Like what, Captain Peacock?

- Like that.

- Yes, it is.

- Why, Mr. Humphries?

- 'Cause I've got a big moth hole just there.

(audience laughing)

How it got through all those balls,

I shall never know.

(audience laughing)

- Probably, bat moth.

(audience laughing)

- So, it is necessary for me to stand like this.

- Mr. Humphries, won't you find that

a bit of a strain?

- Funnily enough, it feels quite natural.

(audience laughing)

- Ladies, are you ready?

(audience laughing)

- Oh, Miss Brahms, that's quite eye catching.

Where's Mrs. Slocombe?

- Oh, she's just fixing her cornet.

- Me Coronet!

(audience laughing)

Captain Peacock, I hope you don't mind the sash.

Only, I didn't want to be confused with my junior.

- Don't worry, Mrs. Slocombe, there's no danger of that.

(audience laughing)

- How near are they?

- It's from the BBC.

I got me tranny here.

I'll plug it in, hang on.

Blimey no.

Well, I never.

Don't that make you feel proud.

- What's happening?

- Pardon?

- What's happening?

(audience laughing)

- The queen has never looked more radiant.

She's gracefully attired in a pink floral chiffon

with hat made of large, bold swirls of a similar material.

Oh, and a simple row of pearls,

and a rock on her finger worth four million quid.

(audience laughing)

- Where are they now?

- Just passed the bus stop.

Hang on, Prince Phillip's paused.

He's shaking hands with an Arab.

(audience laughing)

They're looking in the window of Lallian Willets.

- I hope they're not going to that cheap store.

- Why not, they've got a special offer on lawn mowers.

- Let's all go to my office.

We shall be able to see them from there from the window.

- Oh, this is exciting.

- Oh, there she is.

Hello!

- Oh, Miss Brahms, control yourself.

- The swells on her hat are bold, aren't they?

- Why does the prince always have his hands

clasped behind his back?

- Well perhaps, he's got a moth hole as well.

(audience laughing)

- Isn't that charming?

Look, that little girl is giving her a bouquet.

- And now, the queen has given it to Philip.

- Philip's handed it to the mayor.

- The mayor's given it to an alderman.

- He's given it to a policeman on a horse.

- And, the policeman's given it to the horse.

(audience laughing)

- I think the horse is enjoying it more than anybody.

(audience laughing)

- Let's have the commentary.

- [Radio Announcer] And, on this lovely, sunny day,

the royal party pours, once again, in the high street,

to shake hands with the crowd.

And, then giving a cheery wave, and led by the queen

they cross the road heading towards the entrance

of Grace Brothers Department Store.

I wonder if they'll go inside.

- They're gonna come in.

I know it!

They're gonna come in!

- In a couple of minutes, we could all be shaking hands.

- Mine are shaking already.

- The moment they come in, back to your posts.

- [Radio Announcer] The royal party are pausing

at the entrance of Grace Brothers.

There seems to be a whispered conversation.

They're probably wondering whether they should

go in or not.

Prince Philip is nodding.

- [Captain Peacock] Look out!

- Missed him by an inch.

- [Radio Announcer] There's obviously been a change of plan.

The royal party are running to the car.

(audience laughing)

They're in the car, and the police

are clearing the way through the crowd.

And, the car accelerates into the distance.

And, they're gone leaving behind

the happy, waving, cheering bystanders.

(audience clapping)

(cash register ringing)

♫ Ground floor perfumeries, stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones, gents' ready-made suits,

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor carpets, travel goods, and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishing restaurant and teas

♫ Going down

♫ First floor telephones, gents' ready-made suits,

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes

♫ Going up