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1
00:00:00,494 --> 00:00:03,911
(cash register chinging)
2
00:00:06,090 --> 00:00:07,352
♫ Ground floor perfumery
3
00:00:07,352 --> 00:00:08,789
♫ Stationary and leather goods
4
00:00:08,789 --> 00:00:10,350
♫ Wigs and haberdashery
5
00:00:10,350 --> 00:00:11,624
♫ Kitchenware and food
6
00:00:11,624 --> 00:00:13,874
♫ Going up
7
00:00:17,563 --> 00:00:19,051
♫ First floor telephones
8
00:00:19,051 --> 00:00:20,502
♫ Gents ready-made suits
9
00:00:20,502 --> 00:00:21,930
♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats
10
00:00:21,930 --> 00:00:23,646
♫ Underwear and shoes
11
00:00:23,646 --> 00:00:25,962
- Ah, now are we all here?
12
00:00:25,962 --> 00:00:26,922
Peacock?
13
00:00:26,922 --> 00:00:27,886
- Present.
14
00:00:27,886 --> 00:00:28,719
- Grainger?
15
00:00:28,719 --> 00:00:29,552
- Present.
16
00:00:29,552 --> 00:00:30,385
- Slocombe?
17
00:00:30,385 --> 00:00:31,218
- I am here.
18
00:00:31,218 --> 00:00:32,712
- Just say present.
19
00:00:32,712 --> 00:00:35,976
- Well, if I'm here, I
must be present, mustn't I?
20
00:00:35,976 --> 00:00:36,850
- Humphries?
21
00:00:36,850 --> 00:00:38,314
- Present, and correct.
22
00:00:38,314 --> 00:00:40,824
(audience laughing)
23
00:00:40,824 --> 00:00:41,657
- Brahms?
24
00:00:41,657 --> 00:00:42,539
- Here.
25
00:00:42,539 --> 00:00:43,372
- Lucas?
26
00:00:43,372 --> 00:00:44,205
- Present!
27
00:00:46,634 --> 00:00:48,850
- Now, the reason for this parade
28
00:00:48,850 --> 00:00:52,090
is that people have been
tinkering with the time book.
29
00:00:52,090 --> 00:00:53,470
If the record is to be believed,
30
00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:57,922
those present yesterday
included Errol Flynn,
31
00:00:57,922 --> 00:01:01,234
whose handwriting is not
dissimilar to Mr. Lucas's,
32
00:01:01,234 --> 00:01:06,024
and Oscar Wilde, whose name,
for your future reference,
33
00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:09,262
Mr. Humprhries, should be spelt with an E.
34
00:01:09,262 --> 00:01:11,386
- I've already admonished the miscreants.
35
00:01:11,386 --> 00:01:12,982
- Yes, but it needs somebody with more
36
00:01:12,982 --> 00:01:14,818
authority to drive it home.
37
00:01:14,818 --> 00:01:16,690
Now, one expects this sort of thing
38
00:01:16,690 --> 00:01:19,416
in Kitchenware and Do-it-yourself,
39
00:01:19,416 --> 00:01:23,112
but not in Ladies' and
Gentlemans' fashions!
40
00:01:23,112 --> 00:01:24,706
- Will that be all, sir?
41
00:01:24,706 --> 00:01:28,426
- No, no. There's one more
thing, today is Monday.
42
00:01:28,426 --> 00:01:29,470
- Thanks for telling us.
43
00:01:29,470 --> 00:01:31,006
(audience laughing)
44
00:01:31,006 --> 00:01:32,888
- Allow me to continue, Mr. Lucas.
45
00:01:32,888 --> 00:01:36,146
Friday is a landmark in the
history of Grace Brothers.
46
00:01:36,146 --> 00:01:39,986
On that day, young Mr. Grace
becomes an octogenarian.
47
00:01:39,986 --> 00:01:42,146
- Does that mean he's
not allowed to eat meat?
48
00:01:42,146 --> 00:01:43,934
(audience laughing)
49
00:01:43,934 --> 00:01:46,130
- That means he will be 80 years old.
50
00:01:46,130 --> 00:01:48,716
- And a fine age, if I may say so.
51
00:01:48,716 --> 00:01:51,616
- I hope I shall be as active when I'm 80.
52
00:01:51,616 --> 00:01:52,449
- Well that's hardly likely,
53
00:01:52,449 --> 00:01:53,913
you're not as active as he is now.
54
00:01:53,913 --> 00:01:55,701
(audience laughing)
55
00:01:55,701 --> 00:01:57,680
- The point is, I think that this floor
56
00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,030
should do something special for him,
57
00:02:00,030 --> 00:02:02,970
to commemorate this notable event.
58
00:02:02,970 --> 00:02:04,579
I know I only have to throw the problem
59
00:02:04,579 --> 00:02:08,746
into your laps for you to come
up with some cracking ideas.
60
00:02:10,112 --> 00:02:12,423
(audience laughing)
61
00:02:12,423 --> 00:02:13,610
Yes, well, don't say anything now,
62
00:02:13,610 --> 00:02:15,962
give it some thought,
formulate some ideas,
63
00:02:15,962 --> 00:02:18,676
and I'll use my expertise
to pick a winner.
64
00:02:18,676 --> 00:02:22,783
- What would we do without
you at the helm, sir.
65
00:02:22,783 --> 00:02:24,108
(phone ringing)
66
00:02:24,108 --> 00:02:28,191
- Well, there it is then,
off you go, off you go.
67
00:02:30,843 --> 00:02:32,609
- 15 pounds.
68
00:02:32,609 --> 00:02:34,035
- Is that your commission?
69
00:02:34,035 --> 00:02:36,070
- Yeah, what did you do this week?
70
00:02:36,070 --> 00:02:37,313
- Four vests, one pair of gloves,
71
00:02:37,313 --> 00:02:40,046
one bermuda short, and
a returned overcoat.
72
00:02:40,046 --> 00:02:42,678
At this rate, I'd do better to
leave and live on assistance!
73
00:02:42,678 --> 00:02:44,358
- If you don't improve
on that, you'd better.
74
00:02:44,358 --> 00:02:45,657
- Yeah, there's a customer!
75
00:02:45,657 --> 00:02:46,680
Let me have him!
76
00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:48,595
- By rights, as your
senior, I should have him,
77
00:02:48,595 --> 00:02:50,193
but your story has touched my heart,
78
00:02:50,193 --> 00:02:52,249
so go on, you can have him.
79
00:02:52,249 --> 00:02:53,510
- Good morning, sir, can I help you?
80
00:02:53,510 --> 00:02:55,007
- I'd like a handkerchief, please.
81
00:02:55,007 --> 00:02:58,031
(audience laughing)
82
00:02:58,031 --> 00:02:59,599
- Just my luck, isn't it?
83
00:02:59,599 --> 00:03:01,966
- Thank you for your custom, madam.
84
00:03:01,966 --> 00:03:06,502
Now, in this bag, we have
the scarlet undie fun set,
85
00:03:06,502 --> 00:03:09,585
consisting of mini bra, waspy corset,
86
00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:13,290
can-can pants, suspender belt,
87
00:03:13,290 --> 00:03:16,455
and of course, the black stockings.
88
00:03:16,455 --> 00:03:17,661
There we are.
89
00:03:17,661 --> 00:03:21,828
And in this bag, we have the
same in fluorescent green.
90
00:03:24,281 --> 00:03:26,748
Will madam be requiring a bill?
91
00:03:26,748 --> 00:03:30,107
- Oh yes, for my income tax.
I use them for my business.
92
00:03:30,107 --> 00:03:32,235
- Oh, what sort of business are you in?
93
00:03:32,235 --> 00:03:33,774
- That'll do, Miss Brahms.
94
00:03:33,774 --> 00:03:35,358
(audience laughing)
95
00:03:35,358 --> 00:03:36,674
- There you are, madam.
96
00:03:36,674 --> 00:03:37,626
- Merci.
97
00:03:37,626 --> 00:03:38,881
- Bonne chance.
98
00:03:38,881 --> 00:03:39,714
- Bye bye.
99
00:03:40,859 --> 00:03:43,716
- That dog looked awfully tired to me.
100
00:03:43,716 --> 00:03:45,590
- I expect it does a lot of walking.
101
00:03:45,590 --> 00:03:48,251
(audience laughing)
102
00:03:48,251 --> 00:03:52,228
Well, that's not a bad sale, over 60 quid.
103
00:03:52,228 --> 00:03:54,748
That's just over three pounds commission.
104
00:03:54,748 --> 00:03:56,876
- That's more than I've done all week!
105
00:03:56,876 --> 00:03:58,682
- Oh well, when I retire,
you'll be the senior,
106
00:03:58,682 --> 00:04:01,777
and then you'll have
first crack of the whip.
107
00:04:01,777 --> 00:04:03,931
- But that means waiting till you're 60!
108
00:04:03,931 --> 00:04:05,288
Blimey, that's
109
00:04:05,288 --> 00:04:08,288
- Be careful how you add up, Miss Brahms.
110
00:04:08,288 --> 00:04:11,170
- Why, that's almost 30 years.
111
00:04:11,170 --> 00:04:14,448
- Now you're flattering
me, just a teeny bit.
112
00:04:14,448 --> 00:04:16,531
But you're a bright girl.
113
00:04:17,498 --> 00:04:19,304
Oh good morning, sir, can I help you?
114
00:04:19,304 --> 00:04:20,536
- Do you sell fur coats?
115
00:04:20,536 --> 00:04:22,748
- Why yes, we have quite a large range.
116
00:04:22,748 --> 00:04:24,498
- Good, as a matter of fact, I want two,
117
00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:26,724
one for my wife and one for a friend.
118
00:04:26,724 --> 00:04:29,230
- I'll just get my junior to get an array.
119
00:04:29,230 --> 00:04:32,017
Did you hear that, he wants two fur coats!
120
00:04:32,017 --> 00:04:34,116
- You can't put a foot wrong, can you?
121
00:04:34,116 --> 00:04:36,244
- Look, I'll tell you
what, since you've been
122
00:04:36,244 --> 00:04:39,800
so nice to me I'll split
this sale with you,
123
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:42,586
I'll take the commission
on the wife's coat,
124
00:04:42,586 --> 00:04:44,882
and you can have
commission on her friend's.
125
00:04:44,882 --> 00:04:45,965
- Oh, thanks!
126
00:04:47,025 --> 00:04:50,244
- About what price range
did you have in mind, sir?
127
00:04:50,244 --> 00:04:52,808
- Well, in my wife's
case, about 200 pounds.
128
00:04:52,808 --> 00:04:55,564
- Oh, what a nice present.
129
00:04:55,564 --> 00:04:57,650
- Can I have the key, Mrs. Slocombe?
130
00:04:57,650 --> 00:05:01,010
- We have to take precautions
with luxury merchandise,
131
00:05:01,010 --> 00:05:02,832
there's a lot of nicking goes on.
132
00:05:02,832 --> 00:05:04,762
(audience laughing)
133
00:05:04,762 --> 00:05:05,595
Excuse me.
134
00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:09,932
(audience laughing)
135
00:05:13,232 --> 00:05:15,500
Something in the region of 200 pounds
136
00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:17,740
for the customer's wife.
137
00:05:17,740 --> 00:05:19,532
Is it her birthday, may one ask?
138
00:05:19,532 --> 00:05:20,976
- No, it's going to be a surprise.
139
00:05:20,976 --> 00:05:24,881
- Oh, if only there were more
gents about the likes of you.
140
00:05:24,881 --> 00:05:28,480
Now this one is 190 and simulated mink.
141
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:29,824
- Very nice.
142
00:05:29,824 --> 00:05:32,008
- About what build is Madam?
143
00:05:32,008 --> 00:05:34,484
- Actually, rather like yours, stoutish.
144
00:05:34,484 --> 00:05:37,481
(audience laughing)
145
00:05:37,481 --> 00:05:41,498
- In the trade, we call it "junoesque".
146
00:05:41,498 --> 00:05:43,066
- Would you try it on for me?
147
00:05:43,066 --> 00:05:44,233
- Miss Brahms?
148
00:05:46,007 --> 00:05:48,568
Oh, when a woman puts on a fur coat,
149
00:05:48,568 --> 00:05:50,651
the years just drop away.
150
00:05:51,817 --> 00:05:53,777
- In my wife's case, they'd
have a long way to drop.
151
00:05:53,777 --> 00:05:55,079
(audience laughing)
152
00:05:55,079 --> 00:05:57,444
- You look a real treat
in it, Mrs. Slocombe.
153
00:05:57,444 --> 00:06:00,624
- There you are, an unbiased opinion.
154
00:06:00,624 --> 00:06:01,841
- Yes yes, I'll take it.
155
00:06:01,841 --> 00:06:03,129
- Oh thank you, sir.
156
00:06:03,129 --> 00:06:04,641
Sale to me, Miss Brahms.
157
00:06:04,641 --> 00:06:06,097
- It's your lucky day!
158
00:06:06,097 --> 00:06:08,938
- Never mind, you'll get the
commission on the next one.
159
00:06:08,938 --> 00:06:11,120
- Now, for your wife's friend,
160
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,620
may I suggest this dyed coney,
161
00:06:14,792 --> 00:06:16,946
it's specially reduced to 40 pounds.
162
00:06:16,946 --> 00:06:19,888
- Well, actually it's
not for my wife's friend.
163
00:06:19,888 --> 00:06:21,076
- Oh no?
164
00:06:21,076 --> 00:06:23,428
- No, it's for my friend.
165
00:06:23,428 --> 00:06:24,261
- Oh yes?
166
00:06:24,261 --> 00:06:26,759
(audience laughing)
167
00:06:26,759 --> 00:06:29,280
I'm afraid we have
nothing cheaper than that.
168
00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:31,704
- On the contrary, I
expect to spend a couple.
169
00:06:31,704 --> 00:06:35,120
- Oh, a couple of hundred,
she must be a very old friend.
170
00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:36,196
- Couple of thousand.
171
00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:38,196
- Oh, she must be a very young friend!
172
00:06:38,196 --> 00:06:39,277
(audience laughing)
173
00:06:39,277 --> 00:06:41,763
- Well actually, she's my girlfriend.
174
00:06:41,763 --> 00:06:45,179
- How about this genuine
ranch mink, 2,100?
175
00:06:45,179 --> 00:06:48,117
- Very nice, would you mind putting it on?
176
00:06:48,117 --> 00:06:51,660
You have rather similar features.
177
00:06:51,660 --> 00:06:53,478
- Of course, real mink on a very
178
00:06:53,478 --> 00:06:56,308
young girl can look dead common.
179
00:06:56,308 --> 00:06:59,444
Um, don't you think you
might be better to give
180
00:06:59,444 --> 00:07:03,767
this to your wife, and the
simulated to your bit of fluff?
181
00:07:03,767 --> 00:07:05,686
(audience laughing)
182
00:07:05,686 --> 00:07:06,519
- No.
183
00:07:07,691 --> 00:07:09,595
- Now, how long have you been married?
184
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:10,939
- 20 years.
185
00:07:10,939 --> 00:07:11,947
- How many children?
186
00:07:11,947 --> 00:07:12,955
- Four.
187
00:07:12,955 --> 00:07:14,605
- Do you mean to say that poor woman
188
00:07:14,605 --> 00:07:16,651
has given you the best years of her life,
189
00:07:16,651 --> 00:07:18,734
and all those children, and all she gets
190
00:07:18,734 --> 00:07:22,542
in exchange is this 190 quid rabbit?
191
00:07:22,542 --> 00:07:24,237
While she, the girl who does nothing
192
00:07:24,237 --> 00:07:26,812
but wiggle her assets on your night off,
193
00:07:26,812 --> 00:07:30,118
comes for the 2,000 pound jack prize!
194
00:07:30,118 --> 00:07:31,740
- Just a minute, what about all the time
195
00:07:31,740 --> 00:07:33,716
I spend sitting alone, waiting for him
196
00:07:33,716 --> 00:07:36,424
to get away from you and
come around to see me?
197
00:07:36,424 --> 00:07:37,416
(audience laughing)
198
00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:39,771
- Don't you give me that sob story,
199
00:07:39,771 --> 00:07:41,393
you think I don't know don't you,
200
00:07:41,393 --> 00:07:44,700
just because I smile and
put a good face on it?
201
00:07:44,700 --> 00:07:46,489
But it's here that it hurts!
202
00:07:46,489 --> 00:07:48,019
(audience laughing)
203
00:07:48,019 --> 00:07:50,875
When I look into the faces
of my little children,
204
00:07:50,875 --> 00:07:53,574
I see him, and I think of all those years
205
00:07:53,574 --> 00:07:56,067
that we struggled together!
206
00:07:56,067 --> 00:07:57,747
- Yes, but you've had him for 20 years,
207
00:07:57,747 --> 00:08:00,603
he's bored with you,
that's why he comes to me!
208
00:08:00,603 --> 00:08:02,676
I make him feel young again!
209
00:08:02,676 --> 00:08:04,789
- Don't you think you're
getting away with this,
210
00:08:04,789 --> 00:08:08,372
the minute I saw this
cheap imitation coat,
211
00:08:10,613 --> 00:08:13,443
I said to meself, right monkey!
212
00:08:13,443 --> 00:08:15,739
(audience laughing)
213
00:08:15,739 --> 00:08:17,527
He's found somebody else!
214
00:08:17,527 --> 00:08:19,979
I'm putting five detectives on you,
215
00:08:19,979 --> 00:08:22,709
and I'm going to my solicitors
first thing in the morning.
216
00:08:22,709 --> 00:08:24,627
(audience laughing)
217
00:08:24,627 --> 00:08:26,995
- You're quite right, that's
exactly what she'll say.
218
00:08:26,995 --> 00:08:29,403
Cancel the coat for my wife,
that will give the game away,
219
00:08:29,403 --> 00:08:32,353
I'll just take the coat
for my mis-, girlfriend.
220
00:08:32,353 --> 00:08:33,599
(audience laughing)
221
00:08:33,599 --> 00:08:35,339
- That's over a 100
pounds commission for me`.
222
00:08:35,339 --> 00:08:38,486
- Oh no it isn't, we're splitting 50/50,
223
00:08:38,486 --> 00:08:40,600
the wife gets half the estate!
224
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:43,600
(audience laughing)
225
00:08:45,180 --> 00:08:46,013
- There's a seat for you at the
226
00:08:46,013 --> 00:08:47,562
end of the table, Mr. Grainger.
227
00:08:47,562 --> 00:08:49,312
- Come on, over here.
228
00:08:52,826 --> 00:08:54,995
- You haven't brought
a spoon, Mr. Grainger.
229
00:08:54,995 --> 00:08:58,691
- No, I'm fed up with your complaining
230
00:08:58,691 --> 00:09:02,767
about the noise that make
when I'm drinking my soup,
231
00:09:02,767 --> 00:09:04,554
so I brought some straws.
232
00:09:04,554 --> 00:09:08,181
(audience laughing)
233
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:10,966
- What have you got all those for?
234
00:09:10,966 --> 00:09:14,640
- Well, they melt, the
soup makes them soggy.
235
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,640
(audience laughing)
236
00:09:19,106 --> 00:09:20,669
- It's like being on a North Sea oil rig
237
00:09:20,669 --> 00:09:21,666
when you've struck lucky.
238
00:09:21,666 --> 00:09:24,324
(audience laughing)
239
00:09:24,324 --> 00:09:25,653
- What have you got in there?
240
00:09:25,653 --> 00:09:27,669
- Oh, egg and onion, latkes, salt beef,
241
00:09:27,669 --> 00:09:30,484
gefilte fish, and bagels.
242
00:09:30,484 --> 00:09:32,825
- You changing your religion?
243
00:09:32,825 --> 00:09:36,939
- No, me mother saw Moses on
the television last night.
244
00:09:36,939 --> 00:09:39,224
Thought Burt Lancaster looked so fit
245
00:09:39,224 --> 00:09:41,239
and manly the diet might do me good.
246
00:09:41,239 --> 00:09:43,159
(audience laughing)
247
00:09:43,159 --> 00:09:45,061
- There's a mountain village in Russia
248
00:09:45,061 --> 00:09:47,525
where they all live to be 130.
249
00:09:47,525 --> 00:09:50,311
- Yes, I read about that,
they eat a lot of vegetables
250
00:09:50,311 --> 00:09:53,265
and put yak butter in their tea.
251
00:09:53,265 --> 00:09:56,431
- And what's more, they
remain very virile,
252
00:09:56,431 --> 00:09:57,745
right up to the end.
253
00:09:57,745 --> 00:09:59,677
(audience laughing)
254
00:09:59,677 --> 00:10:02,744
- Mrs. Grainger drew my
attention to that article.
255
00:10:02,744 --> 00:10:04,901
(audience laughing)
256
00:10:04,901 --> 00:10:07,142
- You should stick a pat of
margarine in your minestrone
257
00:10:07,142 --> 00:10:08,568
and pop home and see what happens!
258
00:10:08,568 --> 00:10:12,166
(audience laughing)
259
00:10:12,166 --> 00:10:14,239
- While we're on the subject of the aged,
260
00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:15,541
I think we ought to turn our thoughts
261
00:10:15,541 --> 00:10:17,711
to young Mr. Grace's 80th birthday.
262
00:10:17,711 --> 00:10:19,921
- Why do we have to think about it?
263
00:10:19,921 --> 00:10:21,350
- It's our turn.
264
00:10:21,350 --> 00:10:23,757
- Catering did him last year.
265
00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:25,774
- Well of course, they went too far.
266
00:10:25,774 --> 00:10:28,224
It should have been obvious
that a topless go-go dancer
267
00:10:28,224 --> 00:10:29,736
leaping out of a cake would've been
268
00:10:29,736 --> 00:10:32,353
a terrible shock to a man his age.
269
00:10:32,353 --> 00:10:34,552
- That was his second
heart attack, wasn't it?
270
00:10:34,552 --> 00:10:36,288
- His first one was when
Mr. Lucas phoned up,
271
00:10:36,288 --> 00:10:37,941
said he was Hugh Fraser, and how much
272
00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:40,107
did he want for this job?
273
00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:42,037
- They should have known
that a scantily-clad
274
00:10:42,037 --> 00:10:44,448
young girl would have that effect.
275
00:10:44,448 --> 00:10:45,281
- Yeah, it's a pity.
276
00:10:45,281 --> 00:10:46,478
If you'd volunteered, Mrs. Slocombe,
277
00:10:46,478 --> 00:10:48,130
you could've saved him
six months in hospital.
278
00:10:48,130 --> 00:10:51,392
(audience laughing)
279
00:10:51,392 --> 00:10:53,547
- You wouldn't catch me doing that.
280
00:10:53,547 --> 00:10:54,824
- Oh, you wouldn't get in the cake.
281
00:10:54,824 --> 00:10:56,712
(audience laughing)
282
00:10:56,712 --> 00:10:58,210
- All this is getting us nowhere.
283
00:10:58,210 --> 00:11:00,913
What we are looking for
is a fitting tribute.
284
00:11:00,913 --> 00:11:03,179
- Something like the Victory Parade
285
00:11:03,179 --> 00:11:05,429
for Churchill and the King.
286
00:11:06,793 --> 00:11:08,165
- What about that telly program
287
00:11:08,165 --> 00:11:09,776
where they get somebody famous,
288
00:11:09,776 --> 00:11:11,034
and they show pictures of them
289
00:11:11,034 --> 00:11:12,531
in little short trousers and they end up
290
00:11:12,531 --> 00:11:14,674
shaking hands with Danny La Rue?
291
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,440
(audience laughing)
292
00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:19,406
- I saw that, I didn't like it.
293
00:11:19,406 --> 00:11:22,096
Nevertheless, you may have
the germ of an idea there.
294
00:11:22,096 --> 00:11:24,490
- Look, we could do Here Is Your Shop,
295
00:11:24,490 --> 00:11:27,736
and show his rise from
rag trade to riches.
296
00:11:27,736 --> 00:11:29,064
- Yeah, but wouldn't it be a lot of work,
297
00:11:29,064 --> 00:11:30,537
finding all that out.
298
00:11:30,537 --> 00:11:31,641
- Yes, and all the other departments
299
00:11:31,641 --> 00:11:33,841
would have to come in on it, as well.
300
00:11:33,841 --> 00:11:37,522
- Why don't we call it
Here Is Your Department,
301
00:11:37,522 --> 00:11:39,120
and confine it to the way young Mr. Grace
302
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,246
has affected all our lives.
303
00:11:41,246 --> 00:11:43,431
Throw in a bit of his
early history, as well.
304
00:11:43,431 --> 00:11:45,463
- Yeah, but how do we find it all out?
305
00:11:45,463 --> 00:11:47,813
- Well, I know quite a lot.
306
00:11:47,813 --> 00:11:50,730
I met him one day in 1926 on a bus,
307
00:11:51,970 --> 00:11:54,822
when his car had broken down.
308
00:11:54,822 --> 00:11:58,257
- Oh yeah, I can see it all now.
309
00:11:58,257 --> 00:12:00,888
Does this voice mean anything to you?
310
00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:03,087
"Fares, please! Plenty of room up top!"
311
00:12:03,087 --> 00:12:04,878
(audience laughing)
312
00:12:04,878 --> 00:12:05,929
Yes, you're right!
313
00:12:05,929 --> 00:12:08,238
That is the very actual conductor,
314
00:12:08,238 --> 00:12:10,405
here he is, 127 years old!
315
00:12:11,473 --> 00:12:12,522
We've flown him in especially
316
00:12:12,522 --> 00:12:15,867
from a tribe in a little
village in Russia.
317
00:12:15,867 --> 00:12:17,577
Here he is, being virile
all over the place,
318
00:12:17,577 --> 00:12:19,022
with yak butter on his beard!
319
00:12:19,022 --> 00:12:20,559
(audience laughing)
320
00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:22,886
- Yes, well I hardly think we have
321
00:12:22,886 --> 00:12:25,809
those travel facilities at our command.
322
00:12:25,809 --> 00:12:29,758
- Here, I couldn't help
overhearing your conversation,
323
00:12:29,758 --> 00:12:31,942
seeing as how I've been
listening to every word.
324
00:12:31,942 --> 00:12:33,134
(audience laughing)
325
00:12:33,134 --> 00:12:34,422
And I can put your mind at rest
326
00:12:34,422 --> 00:12:36,046
that your troubles are at an end,
327
00:12:36,046 --> 00:12:37,191
because for the last two years,
328
00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:39,055
he's been writing his memoirs!
329
00:12:39,055 --> 00:12:40,566
- How do you know that, Harman?
330
00:12:40,566 --> 00:12:42,273
- I've been helping him make 'em up.
331
00:12:42,273 --> 00:12:43,464
(audience laughing)
332
00:12:43,464 --> 00:12:45,021
Got the lot at the side of his desk,
333
00:12:45,021 --> 00:12:47,190
all someone's got to do is nick 'em.
334
00:12:47,190 --> 00:12:48,171
- Who?
335
00:12:48,171 --> 00:12:50,061
- Don't look at me, I mean,
336
00:12:50,061 --> 00:12:51,919
but I can be counted on to help you out
337
00:12:51,919 --> 00:12:54,887
with any undercover operation.
338
00:12:54,887 --> 00:12:58,304
(cash register chinging)
339
00:12:59,647 --> 00:13:01,495
- I thought you were supposed
to be the one under cover!
340
00:13:01,495 --> 00:13:02,328
- Shut up!
341
00:13:07,180 --> 00:13:10,013
Here you are, Mr. Grace, your tea.
342
00:13:12,933 --> 00:13:14,812
- Oh, Mr. Harman, you forgot the biscuit.
343
00:13:14,812 --> 00:13:15,812
- Oh, sorry.
344
00:13:18,037 --> 00:13:21,037
(audience laughing)
345
00:13:24,843 --> 00:13:26,268
(girl shrieking)
346
00:13:26,268 --> 00:13:28,270
- Was that your hand, Mr. Grace?
347
00:13:28,270 --> 00:13:29,363
- Doing what?
348
00:13:29,363 --> 00:13:31,182
- Pinching my bottom!
349
00:13:31,182 --> 00:13:32,653
- Sounds like me.
350
00:13:32,653 --> 00:13:36,461
(audience laughing)
351
00:13:36,461 --> 00:13:37,961
- Yes? Good, good.
352
00:13:38,883 --> 00:13:42,186
Well start Mr. Grace towards
the lift in one minute.
353
00:13:42,186 --> 00:13:44,301
Ah, everything set at your end, Peacock?
354
00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:45,395
- Definitely, sir.
355
00:13:45,395 --> 00:13:47,702
Mr. Lucas obtained young
Mr. Grace's memoirs
356
00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:49,942
about four days ago, and he tells me
357
00:13:49,942 --> 00:13:51,861
that he's managed to
unearth some magnificent
358
00:13:51,861 --> 00:13:53,765
background material, with particular
359
00:13:53,765 --> 00:13:55,755
emphasis on the way young Mr. Grace
360
00:13:55,755 --> 00:13:58,425
has affected the lives of the
members of this department.
361
00:13:58,425 --> 00:13:59,830
- Well, young Mr. Grace will be coming up
362
00:13:59,830 --> 00:14:01,493
from the Bargain Basement.
363
00:14:01,493 --> 00:14:02,990
- Good, and Mr. Lucas is set up
364
00:14:02,990 --> 00:14:04,348
in the boardroom to surprise him,
365
00:14:04,348 --> 00:14:06,548
so we'd better get up
there will all speed,
366
00:14:06,548 --> 00:14:10,244
because then we can be ready
to come in when we're needed.
367
00:14:10,244 --> 00:14:11,965
- Is it working?
368
00:14:11,965 --> 00:14:13,215
- Running okay.
369
00:14:14,448 --> 00:14:17,872
- I am standing in the boardroom
of Grace Brothers store.
370
00:14:17,872 --> 00:14:21,302
(audience laughing)
371
00:14:21,302 --> 00:14:23,849
Grace Brothers, that
well-known department store.
372
00:14:23,849 --> 00:14:26,384
Any minute now, coming
through that door there
373
00:14:26,384 --> 00:14:30,501
is a man who has no inkling
at all of the tribute
374
00:14:30,501 --> 00:14:32,921
that's about to be paid to him.
375
00:14:32,921 --> 00:14:33,962
- Limited.
376
00:14:33,962 --> 00:14:34,854
- What are you talking about?
377
00:14:34,854 --> 00:14:36,383
- Limited, Grace Brothers Limited.
378
00:14:36,383 --> 00:14:37,714
- Well never mind that, is it running?
379
00:14:37,714 --> 00:14:38,547
- Oh yes.
380
00:14:38,547 --> 00:14:39,704
- Well shut up then, we've got to
381
00:14:39,704 --> 00:14:40,961
give him this tape afterwards!
382
00:14:40,961 --> 00:14:42,209
- Have we?
383
00:14:42,209 --> 00:14:45,214
- I, Mr. Harman, and
the Material department,
384
00:14:45,214 --> 00:14:46,405
worship that man!
385
00:14:46,405 --> 00:14:47,238
- Shut up!
386
00:14:50,325 --> 00:14:51,979
- He thinks that he's coming up here
387
00:14:51,979 --> 00:14:55,309
to interview this new secretary.
388
00:14:55,309 --> 00:14:56,947
- Here he is!
389
00:14:56,947 --> 00:14:59,834
- I'm going to hide myself
behind the screen now,
390
00:14:59,834 --> 00:15:01,667
we'll see what happens!
391
00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:04,885
(audience laughing)
392
00:15:04,885 --> 00:15:06,986
- Here's your new secretary.
393
00:15:06,986 --> 00:15:08,053
- Oh yes yes.
394
00:15:08,053 --> 00:15:10,470
Oh very nice, leave us alone!
395
00:15:16,279 --> 00:15:18,900
You're a pretty little thing, aren't you?
396
00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:23,014
- Well my shorthand speed
is 120, and my typing is 60.
397
00:15:23,014 --> 00:15:25,620
- Yes, very good, never mind about that
398
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:27,283
what are your measurements?
399
00:15:27,283 --> 00:15:28,557
(audience laughing)
400
00:15:28,557 --> 00:15:29,974
- Well, 38-22-36.
401
00:15:32,029 --> 00:15:33,191
- You've got the job!
402
00:15:33,191 --> 00:15:34,494
(audience laughing)
403
00:15:34,494 --> 00:15:36,764
- Oh Mr. Grace, I'm
sorry to disappoint you,
404
00:15:36,764 --> 00:15:39,493
but this is not a real secretary at all.
405
00:15:39,493 --> 00:15:41,957
No, this girl is just a decoy,
406
00:15:41,957 --> 00:15:44,966
brought here for one reason only.
407
00:15:44,966 --> 00:15:45,959
- Blackmail?
408
00:15:45,959 --> 00:15:48,959
(audience laughing)
409
00:15:51,364 --> 00:15:54,079
- No no, Mr. Grace, so that we can pay
410
00:15:54,079 --> 00:15:57,380
a tribute to you of your achievements.
411
00:15:57,380 --> 00:16:00,297
Mr. Grace, here is your department.
412
00:16:01,484 --> 00:16:02,615
- Here in my boardroom?
413
00:16:02,615 --> 00:16:06,615
(dramatic heraldry-style music)
414
00:16:07,588 --> 00:16:09,869
- Don't worry, it's like
that television show
415
00:16:09,869 --> 00:16:11,941
where they show some famous person.
416
00:16:11,941 --> 00:16:13,789
Starts off wearing short trousers,
417
00:16:13,789 --> 00:16:16,491
then ends up shaking
hands with Danny La Rue.
418
00:16:16,491 --> 00:16:18,101
- Yeah, I saw that, didn't like it.
419
00:16:18,101 --> 00:16:20,412
(audience laughing)
420
00:16:20,412 --> 00:16:23,085
- Our story begins in a humble backstreet
421
00:16:23,085 --> 00:16:27,244
in the East End of
London, in the year 1897.
422
00:16:27,244 --> 00:16:30,911
Here lived Henry Grace,
and his wife, Ettel.
423
00:16:33,850 --> 00:16:37,418
To this devoted couple was
born a bouncing baby boy.
424
00:16:37,418 --> 00:16:40,418
(audience laughing)
425
00:16:42,321 --> 00:16:45,738
Although born of a long line of cobblers,
426
00:16:47,564 --> 00:16:51,841
destiny had ordained a
different fate for this wee lad.
427
00:16:51,841 --> 00:16:54,291
Not for him, the cobbler's last,
428
00:16:54,291 --> 00:16:57,876
no he was impatient to get
away from his environment.
429
00:16:57,876 --> 00:17:00,381
- I'm not surprised, those fur
rugs tickle something awful.
430
00:17:00,381 --> 00:17:01,907
(audience laughing)
431
00:17:01,907 --> 00:17:06,653
- And from this humble home,
he went to this humble school.
432
00:17:06,653 --> 00:17:09,653
(audience laughing)
433
00:17:10,685 --> 00:17:13,653
Now standing there as that
pinch-faced urchin there,
434
00:17:13,653 --> 00:17:17,058
Mr. Grace, now what thoughts
were passing through your mind?
435
00:17:17,058 --> 00:17:19,854
Did you have any idea that one day
436
00:17:19,854 --> 00:17:21,325
you'd become a millionaire?
437
00:17:21,325 --> 00:17:22,934
- Well no, me bracers had busted,
438
00:17:22,934 --> 00:17:24,461
and I was keeping me trousers up.
439
00:17:24,461 --> 00:17:27,694
(audience laughing)
440
00:17:27,694 --> 00:17:29,822
- No doubt, little did you know
441
00:17:29,822 --> 00:17:31,435
what an important part trousers
442
00:17:31,435 --> 00:17:33,551
were going to play in your life!
443
00:17:33,551 --> 00:17:36,139
But that is still in the future.
444
00:17:36,139 --> 00:17:38,629
Leaving your school, you obtained a job
445
00:17:38,629 --> 00:17:41,108
which straight-away made you stand apart
446
00:17:41,108 --> 00:17:42,870
from your fellow man.
447
00:17:42,870 --> 00:17:45,983
Yes, you became an
apprentice haddock filleter.
448
00:17:45,983 --> 00:17:47,339
(audience laughing)
449
00:17:47,339 --> 00:17:49,478
- You'd think it would
make him stand apart!
450
00:17:49,478 --> 00:17:50,669
(audience laughing)
451
00:17:50,669 --> 00:17:52,894
- All day long you wielded
your filleting knife,
452
00:17:52,894 --> 00:17:55,000
and would you believe it Mr. Grace,
453
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:59,167
we have found in Grace Brothers
kitchen, this very knife!
454
00:18:00,514 --> 00:18:03,557
Which is almost identical
to something very similar.
455
00:18:03,557 --> 00:18:05,934
(audience laughing)
456
00:18:05,934 --> 00:18:07,630
- Not a very glamorous job, you know,
457
00:18:07,630 --> 00:18:09,993
my friends used to call me Fish Fingers.
458
00:18:09,993 --> 00:18:11,336
(audience laughing)
459
00:18:11,336 --> 00:18:12,976
- But soon those fish fingers were
460
00:18:12,976 --> 00:18:16,347
to be pushing your very own fish barrel,
461
00:18:16,347 --> 00:18:18,893
and little did you know
that in Folkestone,
462
00:18:18,893 --> 00:18:21,760
where some of that fish
probably came from,
463
00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:23,820
a pram was being pushed along
464
00:18:23,820 --> 00:18:26,031
a not-so-very-different street,
465
00:18:26,031 --> 00:18:30,198
and in that pram was none
other than Mr. Ernest Grainger.
466
00:18:31,434 --> 00:18:32,765
- Small world, innit?
467
00:18:32,765 --> 00:18:34,446
(audience laughing)
468
00:18:34,446 --> 00:18:36,910
- And here is a picture of that very pram,
469
00:18:36,910 --> 00:18:40,199
with that very Grainger in it!
470
00:18:40,199 --> 00:18:43,869
(audience laughing)
471
00:18:43,869 --> 00:18:47,450
And here, believe it or
not, to greet you in person,
472
00:18:47,450 --> 00:18:51,720
all the way from the first
floor, is Mr. Ernest Grainger!
473
00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,137
(applauding)
474
00:18:55,741 --> 00:18:58,741
(audience laughing)
475
00:18:59,788 --> 00:19:01,957
- It was really
Eastbourne, does it matter?
476
00:19:01,957 --> 00:19:03,607
- No no no, shut up, just stand.
477
00:19:03,607 --> 00:19:04,981
(audience laughing)
478
00:19:04,981 --> 00:19:08,229
I believe, Mr. Grainger,
you have an amusing anecdote
479
00:19:08,229 --> 00:19:10,398
to tell about Mr. Grace.
480
00:19:10,398 --> 00:19:11,731
- Indeed I have!
481
00:19:12,567 --> 00:19:14,984
Yes, it was 1926, I remember.
482
00:19:17,970 --> 00:19:21,137
I boarded a number 11 bus, I sat down,
483
00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:25,029
and who should I see sitting next to me,
484
00:19:25,029 --> 00:19:29,112
but you've guessed it, it
was young Mr. Grainger!
485
00:19:30,950 --> 00:19:32,117
Well I was, er
486
00:19:33,496 --> 00:19:34,422
- Embarrassed.
487
00:19:34,422 --> 00:19:37,250
- Yes, I was embarrassed, you see I was
488
00:19:37,250 --> 00:19:41,450
a mere junior, and I wondered if I spoke,
489
00:19:41,450 --> 00:19:44,364
if he would think I was being forward.
490
00:19:44,364 --> 00:19:47,343
But I needn't have worried, no!
491
00:19:47,343 --> 00:19:51,991
You know, he looked at me,
and he said, "Good morning."
492
00:19:51,991 --> 00:19:54,332
And that's the kind of man he was!
493
00:19:54,332 --> 00:19:56,292
(audience laughing)
494
00:19:56,292 --> 00:19:58,711
- Thank you, Mr. Ernest Grainger.
495
00:19:58,711 --> 00:20:01,128
(applauding)
496
00:20:03,695 --> 00:20:06,354
- That was very touching, Mr. Grainger.
497
00:20:06,354 --> 00:20:08,930
- But we have jumped ahead in our story.
498
00:20:08,930 --> 00:20:11,004
Now, no sooner had you
established yourself
499
00:20:11,004 --> 00:20:14,630
as an itinerant purveyor of filleted fish,
500
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:17,162
when the war clouds gathered.
501
00:20:17,162 --> 00:20:21,329
Without hesitation, you
answered your country's call.
502
00:20:22,332 --> 00:20:23,661
(audience laughing)
503
00:20:23,661 --> 00:20:26,578
(triumphant music)
504
00:20:30,282 --> 00:20:31,822
- We didn't hang about in those days.
505
00:20:31,822 --> 00:20:34,174
(audience laughing)
506
00:20:34,174 --> 00:20:38,374
- Yes, without hesitation, you
answered your country's call,
507
00:20:38,374 --> 00:20:40,054
and you give up your fish stall,
508
00:20:40,054 --> 00:20:42,700
and for four long years, you manufactured
509
00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:45,367
tinned pilchards for the troops.
510
00:20:46,397 --> 00:20:49,828
Now, by an amazing coincidence,
after a lot of research,
511
00:20:49,828 --> 00:20:53,931
we have discovered being
served in this very canteen,
512
00:20:53,931 --> 00:20:56,040
those same tinned pilchards!
513
00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:57,805
(audience laughing)
514
00:20:57,805 --> 00:20:59,191
- Well, waste not, want not!
515
00:20:59,191 --> 00:21:02,596
I can tell you, the army bought a lot
516
00:21:02,596 --> 00:21:04,806
of those in the last war, too.
517
00:21:04,806 --> 00:21:06,907
- And also by coincidence, there is here,
518
00:21:06,907 --> 00:21:08,644
Mr. Grace, somebody this evening,
519
00:21:08,644 --> 00:21:11,035
who was also in that
army, who might very well
520
00:21:11,035 --> 00:21:14,270
have eaten those very same pilchards.
521
00:21:14,270 --> 00:21:18,437
Yes, Corporal, later to become
Captain Stephen Peacock!
522
00:21:19,380 --> 00:21:21,797
(applauding)
523
00:21:25,534 --> 00:21:28,662
I believe Captain Peacock
has an amusing anecdote.
524
00:21:28,662 --> 00:21:30,820
- Oh yes indeed I have, yes.
525
00:21:30,820 --> 00:21:33,855
I well recall one cruel January morning,
526
00:21:33,855 --> 00:21:36,039
I had just missed my
bus, and I was standing
527
00:21:36,039 --> 00:21:38,052
there blowing into my gloves to bring
528
00:21:38,052 --> 00:21:40,157
the circulation back to my hands,
529
00:21:40,157 --> 00:21:42,941
when a large Rolls
Royce drew up beside me.
530
00:21:42,941 --> 00:21:45,350
The door opened, and
there sat young Mr. Grace,
531
00:21:45,350 --> 00:21:46,861
beckoning to me.
532
00:21:46,861 --> 00:21:50,095
Forfeiting my place in the
queue, I went across to him.
533
00:21:50,095 --> 00:21:51,566
"Don't worry," he said, "there'll be
534
00:21:51,566 --> 00:21:52,925
another one along in a minute."
535
00:21:52,925 --> 00:21:55,512
(audience laughing)
536
00:21:55,512 --> 00:21:58,764
And with a cheery wave, he
slammed the door and drove off.
537
00:21:58,764 --> 00:22:00,216
(audience laughing)
538
00:22:00,216 --> 00:22:02,359
That's how I shall always
remember Mr. Grace,
539
00:22:02,359 --> 00:22:03,677
never too busy to stop and give
540
00:22:03,677 --> 00:22:05,426
a word of hope and encouragement.
541
00:22:05,426 --> 00:22:06,532
(audience laughing)
542
00:22:06,532 --> 00:22:08,674
- Thank you, Captain Stephen Peacock.
543
00:22:08,674 --> 00:22:11,091
(applauding)
544
00:22:12,051 --> 00:22:14,890
But we are ahead of our story.
545
00:22:14,890 --> 00:22:19,267
We left you in 1918,
still canning pilchards,
546
00:22:19,267 --> 00:22:21,662
and for eight long years
you tried your hand
547
00:22:21,662 --> 00:22:24,561
at this, that, and quite
a bit of the other.
548
00:22:24,561 --> 00:22:26,202
(audience laughing)
549
00:22:26,202 --> 00:22:29,629
And until your hard work and determination
550
00:22:29,629 --> 00:22:32,959
and your will to succeed finally paid off.
551
00:22:32,959 --> 00:22:37,162
Yes, a remote uncle left you
Grace Brothers in his will.
552
00:22:37,162 --> 00:22:39,329
That was in the year 1926.
553
00:22:41,195 --> 00:22:44,230
By a coincidence almost beyond belief,
554
00:22:44,230 --> 00:22:47,605
this very same actual
year marked the birth
555
00:22:47,605 --> 00:22:50,355
of none other than Rachel Yiddle.
556
00:22:53,051 --> 00:22:56,341
I see surprise and bewilderment
chase across your face,
557
00:22:56,341 --> 00:23:00,457
well perhaps this
photograph will help you.
558
00:23:00,457 --> 00:23:03,340
(audience laughing)
559
00:23:03,340 --> 00:23:05,947
Yes, you've guessed
it, Miss Rachel Yiddle,
560
00:23:05,947 --> 00:23:08,675
later to become Mrs. Slocombe.
561
00:23:08,675 --> 00:23:11,092
(applauding)
562
00:23:14,235 --> 00:23:17,888
And now, Mr. Grace, does this
voice remind you of anything?
563
00:23:17,888 --> 00:23:19,499
- [Miss Barhms] I've
pressed everything in sight,
564
00:23:19,499 --> 00:23:22,463
and I still can't make it go up or down.
565
00:23:22,463 --> 00:23:24,106
- You haven't found that young secretary
566
00:23:24,106 --> 00:23:25,838
I had in '56, have you?
567
00:23:25,838 --> 00:23:27,070
(audience laughing)
568
00:23:27,070 --> 00:23:28,205
- No, Mr. Grace.
569
00:23:28,205 --> 00:23:30,165
(laughing)
570
00:23:30,165 --> 00:23:33,891
No, it's the voice of Shirley
Brahms, and here she is!
571
00:23:33,891 --> 00:23:36,308
(applauding)
572
00:23:37,557 --> 00:23:40,596
Now I believe you both have
an amusing anecdote to tell.
573
00:23:40,596 --> 00:23:44,683
- Indeed we have, there
was me and Miss Brahms,
574
00:23:44,683 --> 00:23:48,850
with young Mr. Grace in this
lift, and it stuck fast.
575
00:23:49,709 --> 00:23:51,164
- Yes, I pressed all the buttons,
576
00:23:51,164 --> 00:23:55,126
and I still couldn't shift it,
and I got ever so frightened.
577
00:23:55,126 --> 00:23:57,341
- And would you believe
Mr. Grace cuddled her
578
00:23:57,341 --> 00:23:59,565
for half an hour while I shouted for help.
579
00:23:59,565 --> 00:24:01,592
(audience laughing)
580
00:24:01,592 --> 00:24:03,597
And when the engineers finally arrived
581
00:24:03,597 --> 00:24:07,097
to rescue us, he was
as cool as a cucumber.
582
00:24:07,097 --> 00:24:11,264
"Don't worry about me," he
said, "save Mrs. Slocombe,
583
00:24:12,150 --> 00:24:14,498
and then come back for
me and the bird later."
584
00:24:14,498 --> 00:24:16,126
(audience laughing)
585
00:24:16,126 --> 00:24:19,232
And that's the sort of man he is.
586
00:24:19,232 --> 00:24:23,081
- Thank you, Shirley
Brahms, and Rachel Yiddle.
587
00:24:23,081 --> 00:24:26,081
(audience laughing)
588
00:24:28,345 --> 00:24:30,446
So as you can see Mr. Grace, the long arm
589
00:24:30,446 --> 00:24:34,213
of coincidence has always played
a great part in your life.
590
00:24:34,213 --> 00:24:36,381
But we can't go, we can't leave without
591
00:24:36,381 --> 00:24:38,526
one final coincidence.
592
00:24:38,526 --> 00:24:40,120
- That'll be Danny La Rue.
593
00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:41,535
(audience laughing)
594
00:24:41,535 --> 00:24:44,234
- [Lucas] Does this voice
mean anything to you?
595
00:24:44,234 --> 00:24:46,615
- [Humphries] I'm free!
596
00:24:46,615 --> 00:24:48,183
- It's the one with the funny walk!
597
00:24:48,183 --> 00:24:50,521
(audience laughing)
598
00:24:50,521 --> 00:24:53,321
- You're right, right
first time, Mr. Grace.
599
00:24:53,321 --> 00:24:55,983
You guess it, and here he
is, the master of snug fit,
600
00:24:55,983 --> 00:24:59,033
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries!
601
00:24:59,033 --> 00:25:02,195
(applauding)
602
00:25:02,195 --> 00:25:03,904
- I won't kiss you, I've
got a bit of a cold.
603
00:25:03,904 --> 00:25:05,486
(audience laughing)
604
00:25:05,486 --> 00:25:07,810
- Now I believe you've got
an amusing anecdote to tell,
605
00:25:07,810 --> 00:25:10,360
Mr. Humphries, about Mr. Grace's ability
606
00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:11,869
to make a quick decision.
607
00:25:11,869 --> 00:25:13,791
- Oh, I have, when I
first came here for a job,
608
00:25:13,791 --> 00:25:16,014
I went into Mr. Grace's
office, and I said,
609
00:25:16,014 --> 00:25:18,887
"My name is Humphries, I'm
young and I'm willing."
610
00:25:18,887 --> 00:25:20,959
Mr. Grace stood up, he
raised his hand, he said,
611
00:25:20,959 --> 00:25:24,693
"Mr. Humphries, say no more,
we don't want your sort here."
612
00:25:24,693 --> 00:25:26,279
(audience laughing)
613
00:25:26,279 --> 00:25:27,773
- Nevertheless, five days later
614
00:25:27,773 --> 00:25:30,199
you were employed by Grace Brothers,
615
00:25:30,199 --> 00:25:32,240
and only Mr. Grace knows the reason
616
00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:34,718
for that change of heart.
617
00:25:34,718 --> 00:25:37,098
Well, it was because of someone
who was very dear to you,
618
00:25:37,098 --> 00:25:38,849
probably the greatest friend you ever had,
619
00:25:38,849 --> 00:25:39,969
and you know who that was.
620
00:25:39,969 --> 00:25:41,773
- Oh no, it couldn't be him, they'd never
621
00:25:41,773 --> 00:25:43,735
give him a day off from Lilywhite's.
622
00:25:43,735 --> 00:25:45,024
(audience laughing)
623
00:25:45,024 --> 00:25:46,896
- No? Well then, let's have
a look at this picture,
624
00:25:46,896 --> 00:25:48,563
and let it remind you.
625
00:25:48,563 --> 00:25:50,302
- [Miss Brahms] Who's he?
626
00:25:50,302 --> 00:25:51,814
- It's mother!
627
00:25:51,814 --> 00:25:53,032
(audience laughing)
628
00:25:53,032 --> 00:25:56,295
- Indeed, let her tell her
story, in her own words.
629
00:25:56,295 --> 00:25:59,315
- Well he's not brought her
here, it's her day for bingo.
630
00:25:59,315 --> 00:26:02,526
- Hello, Mr. Grace, I'm
sorry I can't be with you,
631
00:26:02,526 --> 00:26:04,443
it is my day for bingo.
632
00:26:05,407 --> 00:26:07,757
I shall never forget
the time my little lad
633
00:26:07,757 --> 00:26:11,160
came back from his
interview at Grace Brothers.
634
00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:12,759
Although he stuck his chin out,
635
00:26:12,759 --> 00:26:15,585
and he didn't cry, he was heartbroken.
636
00:26:15,585 --> 00:26:17,835
Mothers can tell, you know.
637
00:26:18,904 --> 00:26:21,801
Later that night, I peeped in on him,
638
00:26:21,801 --> 00:26:25,691
and there he was,
clutching his teddy bear,
639
00:26:25,691 --> 00:26:29,858
with tears on his cheeks,
he cried himself to sleep.
640
00:26:31,222 --> 00:26:32,807
- Oh Mother, don't go on!
641
00:26:32,807 --> 00:26:33,981
(audience laughing)
642
00:26:33,981 --> 00:26:37,942
- The following day, he was
busy with his crochet work,
643
00:26:37,942 --> 00:26:42,103
and I sneaked out and I
came to see you, Mr. Grace.
644
00:26:42,103 --> 00:26:46,773
I threw myself down on my
knees in front of your desk,
645
00:26:46,773 --> 00:26:49,421
and I said, "Look at me, you're looking
646
00:26:49,421 --> 00:26:52,306
at a mother with a broken heart."
647
00:26:52,306 --> 00:26:55,135
- Oh Mother, you didn't!
648
00:26:55,135 --> 00:26:57,951
- "He's a good, kind boy."
649
00:26:57,951 --> 00:26:59,377
- Oh, she's right.
650
00:26:59,377 --> 00:27:00,706
- "He's loving."
651
00:27:00,706 --> 00:27:02,289
- I am!
652
00:27:02,289 --> 00:27:05,354
- "He'd bend over
backwards to help anybody."
653
00:27:05,354 --> 00:27:07,735
(audience laughing)
654
00:27:07,735 --> 00:27:09,080
- I did!
655
00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:10,827
(audience laughing)
656
00:27:10,827 --> 00:27:13,642
- "Give him a chance," I said.
657
00:27:13,642 --> 00:27:17,200
- And you smiled at me over your inkwell.
658
00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:20,015
"Don't get your knickers
in a twist," you said,
659
00:27:20,015 --> 00:27:21,848
"I'll give him a try."
660
00:27:22,953 --> 00:27:27,515
Do you know, I was so
grateful, I threw my arms
661
00:27:27,515 --> 00:27:30,253
'round your neck and I kissed you.
662
00:27:30,253 --> 00:27:31,409
- You didn't!
663
00:27:31,409 --> 00:27:32,921
- She did.
664
00:27:32,921 --> 00:27:35,007
- And the rest is history, once you came
665
00:27:35,007 --> 00:27:38,816
under Mr. Grace's hand,
you never looked back.
666
00:27:38,816 --> 00:27:42,710
In fact, none of us ever
looked back. Mr. Grace
667
00:27:42,710 --> 00:27:44,135
- But what about me!
668
00:27:44,135 --> 00:27:46,135
- I expect you were too boring!
669
00:27:46,135 --> 00:27:48,616
(audience laughing)
670
00:27:48,616 --> 00:27:51,991
- Mr. Grace, here is your department.
671
00:27:51,991 --> 00:27:54,242
(applauding)
672
00:27:54,242 --> 00:27:57,438
(audience applauding)
673
00:27:57,438 --> 00:27:59,118
(cash register chinging)
674
00:27:59,118 --> 00:28:00,096
♫ Ground floor perfumery
675
00:28:00,096 --> 00:28:01,180
♫ Stationary and leather goods
676
00:28:01,180 --> 00:28:02,422
♫ Wigs and haberdashery
677
00:28:02,422 --> 00:28:03,863
♫ Kitchenware and food
678
00:28:03,863 --> 00:28:06,113
♫ Going up
679
00:28:09,784 --> 00:28:11,128
♫ First floor telephones
680
00:28:11,128 --> 00:28:12,749
♫ Gents ready-made suits
681
00:28:12,749 --> 00:28:14,110
♫ Shirt, socks, ties, hats
682
00:28:14,110 --> 00:28:15,246
♫ Underwear and shoes
683
00:28:15,246 --> 00:28:17,496
♫ Going up
684
00:28:21,432 --> 00:28:22,817
♫ Second floor carpets
685
00:28:22,817 --> 00:28:24,232
♫ Travel goods and bedding
686
00:28:24,232 --> 00:28:25,841
♫ Material, soft furnishings
687
00:28:25,841 --> 00:28:26,935
♫ Restaurant and teas
688
00:28:26,935 --> 00:28:28,238
♫ Going down
689
00:28:28,238 --> 00:28:31,488
(audience applauding)
50522
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