Original subtitles

(cash register chimes)

(light groovy music)

♫ Ground floor perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food, going up

(vacuum hums)

♫ Someday, you'll come along

♫ The man I love

♫ And you'll be big and strong

Oh, there you are!

- Good morning, ladies!

- Morning.

- Would you mind clearing away quickly?

I have a very important meeting at half past eight.

- Oh, it's 20 to nine now!

- Yes, I know, I can't think what's keeping them.

They're not usually this late.

- Yeah well, it's symptomatic of the country today, innit?

I mean, nobody takes any pride in their work anymore.

- Well, we've knocked off, come on, Ethel.

- Well, I'm glad to see that the older generation

sets such a good example by coming in early.

- Yeah, well I like to get out of bed

before Mrs. Harman wakes.

She don't look her best first thing in the mornin'.

(audience laughs)

Come to think of it, she don't look so hot

last thing at night either. (audience laughs)

Ho, I've got the tables set up for the conference, sir.

- Thank you, Mr. Harman.

- Yeah, eh, are you sure you got the right date?

- Oh, yes yes, quite sure.

- Ah, well perhaps they got hung up in a blitzer.

It's awful weather out there.

- Yes, but you didn't get held up.

- Nah!

- Really it's too bad of them.

I shall get very cross in a minute.

- I could tell, I can see the angry flush

rising up above your collar.

- Yes, I shall demand an explanation.

- Yeah, go on, you do that.

Give it to them good and strong!

- I will. - Yes.

- I'm not gonna stand here like a lemon

while they amble in, one by one.

- Right.

(elevator dings)

(audience laughs)

Blimey, the legion of the north!

(audience laughs)

- Now you were due here at 8:30.

It is now a quarter to nine.

I would like an explanation.

- As to why I have two inches of snow on my hat?

- We've been stood standing outside in the snow

for 20 minutes because some stupid twit

didn't tell security we was coming in!

- Heh, oh dear! (audience laughs)

I'm afraid that was my fault.

(Mr. Harman chuckles)

- The angry flush's disappearing below your collar

just like somebody's just pulled your plug out.

- Hot coffee for everyone, Mr. Harman.

- Right-o, sir.

- You know, I can't feel any of my extremities,

and it's unusual for me.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Would you mind helping me with my gloves?

- All right, Mr. Grainger, here, come on.

(glove thunks)

(audience laughs)

(glove thunks)

- D'you know, it's 10 degrees below?

- It's not much warmer above.

(audience laughs)

- Now, where is Mrs. Slocombe?

- No doubt, with a meeting as important as this,

she's got a couple of tennis rackets strapped on her feet,

and she's mushing her huskies

along the frozen Thames at this very moment.

(audience laughs)

- If she's got any sense, she'll still be in bed

havin' a nice cuppa.

- A hot coffee for everybody.

Oh, Mr. Rumbold, you can't.

(laughs) - Oh.

- M-m-m-m-my teeth won't stop chattering.

- Well, put them in your pocket.

(elevator dings) (audience laughs)

- Come along, Mrs. Slocombe.

- What are you pointing at, Mrs. Slocombe?

- Well, I did have an umbrella.

(audience laughs)

But the wind blew it away.

- Mrs. Slocombe, Mr. Rumbold would like

to know why you're late.

- Well, the central heating broke down.

I had to light the oven and hold my pussy in front of it.

(audience laughs)

Poor little thing.

Its tail had been hanging out of its basket all night long.

It was frozen solid.

(audience laughs)

- Coffee, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Oh, thank you.

Oh no.

I don't think I can face it.

I been feeling a bit queasy these past few mornin's.

- Queasy?

Nothing serious, I hope?

- Oh come on, we must get on.

Now, we are here to discuss a suggestion

made by young Mr. Grace

at a senior sales management meeting.

Captain Peacock, you were there.

Perhaps you would like to summarize the points raised.

- Mmmm.

I could've done that last night before we all went home.

- Yes, well I thought of that,

but I didn't want to delay anybody,

due to the weather conditions.

- Yes, we saw you sneakin' out early,

hoping no one would notice.

- As I recall it, the young Mr. Grace

has been reading a paper about sales psychology,

and he's now very keen to take advantage

of the herd instinct in our customers.

- Well I haven't had any herds

'round my counter lately.

(audience laughs)

- The theory is that a customer

is more liable to buy something

if he sees another customer doing the same thing.

- Oh you mean like the three card trick.

One of the gang starts the bidding

to get the other mugs to join in.

- Well, that's not quite how it was put.

- What if nobody starts,

will they just all stand there looking?

- One of the assistants who is free

pretends to be a customer

and says complimentary things about the goods.

- Like I said, one of the gang starts a bidding.

(audience laughs)

- The assistant should employ such phrases as,

"I wish I could afford that!"

and, "By jove, that's good value for money!"

or, "I must have one of those

before they're all snapped up!"

- I've sat here and listened to some daft things in my time,

but this is the daftest thing

I've ever sat here and listened to.

(audience laughs)

- Nevertheless, young Mr. Grace

is very keen on the idea,

so we're going to give it a try.

- And that's what we've all had to come in early for?

- Yes, well, we did think it would be as well

to dream up some more encouraging phrases.

So let's all put our thinking caps on, hm?

(audience laughs)

(bangs table)

- I've left the gas on.

(audience laughs)

- I don't think you've quite grasped the idea, Mr. Grainger.

- What idea?

- Would you like for me to do him again, sir?

- No. - Don't do that.

Send him home to turn the gas off.

(audience laughs)

- Now, come along, I'm sure

we can think of dozens of phrases.

Let's go along the line.

We'll have one from Miss Brahms.

- Why me?

Start at that end.

- Oh well, it'll warm up the kitchen, perhaps.

(audience laughs)

- To what does that refer, Mr. Grainger?

- He's still on about the gas.

- Damn, there's none left.

- Oh now, that's very good, Miss Brahms.

"Damn, there's none left."

You see, that gives the assistant

(audience laughs) a good chance

to produce another one of whatever they are.

Mrs. Slocombe.

- Hey, I got one for Mrs. Slocombe.

"Fancy them making one of those in my size!"

(audience laughs)

- Are we going to have much more of that, Mr. Lucas?

- Well now, that's very good Mrs. Slocombe, yes.

(audience laughs) You see,

it gives the idea of urgency,

in case the stocks should run out.

Captain Peacock.

- "How thoughtful of Grace Brothers

to leave the doors open,

so that we, the customers,

can actually get in to buy things."

(audience laughs)

- I take your point, Peacock.

Mr. Humphries.

- "By jove, fancy Grace Brothers

being able to do them at that price.

A full range of sizes in all those lovely colors.

They're washable and durable.

I bet they never wear out."

- Excellent, excellent, what is it?

- I don't know, but if you've got one, I'll have it.

(audience laughs)

Mr. Lucas.

- "Look at that poor, handsome young assistant.

I bet he's fair worn out,

with gettin' up early and standing in the frozen snow.

I bet he hasn't had a proper breakfast

except for a cuppa coffee in a miserable paper cup.

We must all buy something from him

so he could afford a proper lunch.

Then he'll have the strength to struggle home,

fall exhausted into bed, and get up early in the morning

and start the whole process all over again!"

(audience laughs)

- I'll see you in my office at 10 o'clock, Mr. Lucas.

(audience laughs)

(cash register chimes)

- Anyway, the upshot was that I took Pussy to the vet.

And he confirmed it.

So since then, I've kept her in a basket by the radiator.

Well, you can't be too careful, can you?

- Everything happens to you, doesn't it?

- That's what Mrs. Axelby said.

- When is the happy event?

- Well, I was so worried,

that I went to the clinic again yesterday.

(audience laughs)

And they said it could be any day now.

(audience laughs)

But the funny thing is, it doesn't show.

(audience laughs)

- That's why she's off her food.

(audience laughs)

- Perhaps it's because it's the first time.

- Well that does make a difference, of course.

- Mmmm.

It's a pity that, with what you havin' been

so careful and all.

(audience laughs)

- Now that I've got over the first shock,

I'm quite lookin' forward to it.

(audience laughs)

- But you say, you say you don't know

who the father is?

- Well, yes and no.

(audience laughs)

I suspect that it happened on my birthday.

(audience laughs)

You see, I came back from the pub,

after a few too many,

and I didn't shut the door properly.

(audience laughs)

I think, he lives with that woman in the next house.

(audience laughs)

- He's ginger, isn't he?

(audience laughs)

- No, no, it wouldn't be that one.

He had the operation two years ago.

(audience laughs)

He's Burmese.

His name's Wang Ting.

(audience laughs)

He spends all day long crouched in the rhubarb,

peering (audience laughs over her)

- Will it be at home?

- Either there or in the fitting room.

(audience laughs)

Are you alright, Captain Peacock?

- Yes, fine, fine.

- We couldn't help overhearing,

your conversation, Mrs. Slocombe.

Are we right to think that congratulations are in order?

- Oh, thank you!

(audience laughs)

Well of course, it wasn't intended,

but these things happen in the best of families.

- Yeah, are you hoping for a boy or a girl?

- Half and half.

(audience laughs)

- That happens in the best of families.

(audience laughs)

I can find good homes for six,

but any more than that'll have to be drowned in a bucket.

(audience laughs)

- What was all that about?

- I think we must face the fact that we

may have got hold of the wrong end of the stick.

(audience laughs)

- I think you're probably right, Captain Peacock.

Mind you, she had me worried for a minute.

- She had me worried, too.

'Specially when she mentioned the one that was ginger

having the operation.

(audience laughs)

- I must go home at once.

We've got a Burmese next door.

(audience laughs)

- A Burmese cat?

- No, a Burmese bus conductor.

(audience laughs)

And my wife's very fond of rhubarb.

(audience laughs)

(cash register chimes)

- Now, I'm sorry, Mrs. Slocombe,

but I cannot acquiesce to your request.

- But suppose she has them all alone,

when I'm not there!

- Well, can't you employ an au pair girl?

Or better still, an au purr girl. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

- I don't think that's very funny, Mr. Rumbold.

How would you like to be in a basket,

jammed up against a radiator

in an empty flat, having kittens?

(audience laughs)

- It would be a cat-astrophe! (laughs)

Oh ho, I'm on form today!

- Am I to take it, that you refuse me permission

to give my pussy facilities for her confinement?

- I'm afraid there's no puss-ibility. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Men!

- Well don't look at me!

(audience laughs)

- Did he give you permission?

- Did he, all it's like,

he just made a lotta bad jokes.

- Oooh.

It he was havin' 'em, it'd be a different story.

- If he was havin' one, he could

reach for the pickle jar alone,

as far as I'm concerned.

(audience laughs)

- You free, Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Brahms?

- At the moment.

- Well, as you see, there are one or two customers about.

So I think it's a good idea

to put Mr. Grace's idea into operation.

Go and get your coat on, Miss Brahms.

- I'm not wearing out my coat in the firm's time.

If they want me to pretend to be a customer,

they'll have to supply the gear.

- Quite right, Miss Brahms.

- Well, very well, then.

Go into the stockroom and choose yourself something.

- Thank you.

- Mr. Grainger, are you free?

- Yes, I think I'm free, aren't I Mr. Humphries?

- As far as I know, Mr. Grainger.

(audience laughs)

- Are you free, Mr. Humphries?

- I am free, Captain Peacock.

(audience laughs)

Shall I inquire as to whether Mr. Lucas is free or not?

- [Captain Peacock] Would you be so kind?

- Mr. Lucas. (audience laughs)

This question may come as a complete surprise.

(audience laughs)

Are you free?

- As a matter of fact, I am free, Mr. Humphries.

- We're lucky to have caught you.

- Yes!

- Mr. Lucas is free, Captain Peacock.

- Good.

- Captain Peacock?

- Yes, Mr. Grainger.

- I am not free.

(audience laughs)

I must go and spend a penny.

(audience laughs)

- Should I take over from you, Mr. Grainger?

- If you're free.

(audience laughs)

- Should I take over from you, Mr. Humphries?

- Oh that depends on Captain Peacock.

- Ah!

- Look, I'm just suggesting

that we try out Mr. Grace's idea.

- Oh, what you mean about one of us pretending

to be a customer and conning the mugs.

- Mr. Lucas, at Grace Brothers,

we do not con the mugs.

- Well, I'm game for anything.

- That's how you've got so far, isn't it, Mr. Humphries?

(audience laughs)

- You noticed.

(audience laughs)

- I leave it to you to decide

who shall be the customer.

- Oh, well, to be fair, I think we ought to take it in turn.

- Yes.

- And, you don't have to wear your own clothes, you know.

Choose something out of the stockroom.

The gents' stockroom, Mr. Humphries.

(audience laughs)

Excuse me, ladies, is Miss Brahms ready?

- I'll just call her.

Miss Brahms!

(audience laughs)

♫ Da, da, da, da, da, da

♫ Da, da, da, da, da, da

(audience laughs)

- Miss Brahms, you are supposed to be buying, not selling.

(audience laughs)

- Well, here come some customers.

- Oh!

- Oh, get your glasses off.

- If the customer's admired anything, show enthusiasm.

- Roger.

- Just walk about and look normal.

- Right.

- Psst!

(audience laughs)

I saw you nick that lot, darlin',

but if you're nice to me, I'll say nothing about it.

- Ew, what you doin', dressed up like that?

- Mr. Grace gave me carte blanche

to wander around the store and admire the goods.

(chuckles) And you're the first.

(audience laughs)

- What do you think, Sandra?

- Oh, I don't know.

Is that the sort of thing Mark likes?

- Well you can never tell when they're in the civil service.

(laughs)

- Don't you think the color is very attractive?

- I can't make up my mind.

- Mrs. Slocombe, her ladyship

is interested in purchasing a bra,

and rather likes the look of those you have on display.

- Yes, 'ow much is they?

(audience laughs)

- They is 4.95.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, dirt cheap, if you ask me.

Beats me 'ow they could knock 'em out for such a low price.

- Because our profit margin is very small.

- I like 'em, I think they're dead sexy.

- But discreetly so.

- Yeah.

Cop holda that.

(audience laughs)

Oh yes, yes, I that'll definitely

take his mind off the polo.

I'll have two pairs.

(audience laughs)

- If you wouldn't mind waiting,

this lady was first.

Cash or account, madam?

- Neither.

If that sort of woman likes them,

I certainly don't.

- Not exactly an unqualified success, your ladyship.

- Are you being served, sir?

- No.

- Oh ho, well in that case, you'd like to be.

- Yes, I need some gloves,

but I can't quite make up my mind.

- Ah, well, I

(audience laughs)

- That's nice.

- What's nice, sir?

- Whatever he thinks is nice.

(audience laughs)

- I see, sir.

- I think it's nicer.

- I'll be with you in a moment, sir.

Now, gloves, sir.

(laughs)

There we are.

Now this is a lovely pair,

they're six pounds, 25.

- Oh, dead cheap, I'll have them.

(audience laughs)

- And I'll have a pair as well, please.

(Mr. Lucas chuckles)

- I'm afraid this is the only pair we have.

- Well I was here first.

- Yes but I spoke first.

(audience laughs)

- I'm terribly sorry, sir, but this gentleman

was here first. (audience laughs)

I must let him have them.

- Oh, damn!

I've been to every shop in the town

to try and get a pair of gloves like that,

and now I've been pipped at the post.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, let him have them!

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

(audience laughs)

No, you were here first, you must have 'em!

- No, no, no, no, I insist,

at his time of life, he deserves some consideration.

- Well he's not gettin' any!

(audience laughs)

- I did want those gloves.

- Oh shut up, you silly old fool.

(audience laughs)

- Here, if this is the way you treat your customers,

I wouldn't dream of buying a pair of gloves here.

(Mr. Lucas smacks counter)

- I did too well, didn't I? (laughs)

(audience laughs)

When I get my teeth into a role,

there's no holding me.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Grainger.

I suggest you get back behind your counter.

- Here.

What was the stick for?

- Always play for sympathy, my boy.

(audience laughs)

- Where's Mr. Humphries?

- Getting changed.

(elevator dings)

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

- The face eludes me, but I recognize the walk.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, I'm glad you did that, I was running out of oxygen.

(audience laughs)

- What is the reason for this masquerade?

- Well, I just wanted to look

like an average man in the street.

(audience laughs)

Oh, say, these are nice.

It would go lovely with this,

don't you think so, Mr. Lucas?

- We haven't got a customer yet, Mr. Humphries!

- Just walk about and look normal.

(audience laughs)

- Do I get extra for character work?

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Humphries, so far, this experiment

has not been a rip-roaring success,

so I suggest you stick to one simple theme.

- And what would that be?

- Try, "Oh dear, I wish I could afford that!"

(elevator dings)

- Can I help you, sir?

- I'm looking for a cashmere sweater, please.

- Cashmere sweaters, Mr. Lucas?

- Would that be pure cashmere, sir, or cashmere of wool?

- Pure cashmere, please. (Mr. Lucas chuckles)

- The customer's looking for a pure cashmere sweater.

And what color, sir?

- Beige.

- Beige.

Ah, there we are, sir.

30 pounds, just feel how soft they are.

- 'Scuse me, I couldn't help overhearing,

how much did you say?

- Yes, 30 pounds.

- Oh!

I say, aren't things a price!

(audience laughs)

- Worth every penny, sir.

- Oh, and just the thing for this weather.

I wish I could afford that.

- Yes, I'll take it. - Oh yes.

- And how much are those silk squares?

- Oh, these are 10 pounds each, sir.

They're pure silk of course.

- I wish I could afford that.

(audience laughs)

- I'll take that as well.

- Oh, I say! (chuckles)

- Oh and one of those hats.

- Ah, now these, sir, these are 16 pounds each.

Of course they are pure velour.

- Oh, pure velour. (audience laughs)

I wish I could afford that.

(audience laughs)

- I'll take that as well.

- Oh!

Will there be anything further, sir?

- No, that'll do nicely.

- Oh, that is, one cashmere sweater,

one silk scarf, and one hat,

that is 56 pounds, sir.

- And the same, for my friend, here.

(audience laughs)

- I beg your pardon?

- What else is money for?

And I'm rich, I live alone, and perhaps you'd like

to come up to my place

and have a drink.

- Oh I don't think I could afford that.

(audience laughs)

(cash register chimes)

- For once in your life,

you're not the last one to sign in, Mr. Lucas.

- Don't worry, it won't happen again.

Who's not here?

- Mrs. Slocombe.

- And what did you expect,

with big ears not letting her bring her moggie in,

what's about to give birth.

She's probably had to stop at home.

- We made it quite clear that she would be dismissed

if she were absent for such a trivial reason.

- Serves her right for meddling about

with Burmese bus conductors.

(audience laughs)

- I'll put him right, in the coffee break.

(audience laughs)

- Knowing her, she'll probably try and do a Colditz

and smuggle it in inside a vaulting horse.

(audience laughs)

- You cannot come in here with that animal.

(audience laughs)

- Did you see that?

It's just given birth to a ballpoint.

(audience laughs)

- Oh it's a boy, then.

(audience laughs)

- Now that we've concluded the practical jokes,

go to your counter, Mrs. Slocombe.

- You really had him there with that, didn't you?

- Oh well, I didn't just do it for that.

Only my pussy can't bear to be separated from him.

They sleep together, you know.

And at a time like this, she deserves every comfort.

- But why've you brought him here?

- Because I've smuggled the expectant mother

into the goods entrance.

Mr. Harman's bringin' her up.

- Oh!

(audience laughs)

- Have you got it?

- Yes.

- Well, where is it?

(clangs on pot)

(cat meows)

- It's never in there!

- Well don't worry, there's no tea in there, look!

(audience laughs)

I'll soon get rid of it.

(barks)

(audience laughs)

- Are you mad, frightening her at a time like this?

- Well, I mean, it's either that

or turn the tap off and make it into a Manx.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, put it there in that fitting room.

- Where are you going with that, Mr. Harman?

- To the goods lift, I'm takin' it

to the boys in the basement.

- Oh, I'll have a quick cuppa tea before you go.

- It's coffee.

- In that case, I'll have a quick cup of coffee.

- It ain't very nice coffee.

(audience laughs)

- It never is.

(audience laughter drowns them out)

- Up there.

- Woof, woof! - There's no cock up there.

(audience laughs)

- Oh yeah, well it's bound up with sentiment.

(audience laughs) I'll take it out

and get it right through.

- Good morning, everybody.

- [Everyone] Good morning, Mr. Grace.

- Well, I hear that my idea was not a great success.

- Oh nonsense, sir, no, no,

the idea was excellent.

It just wasn't executed very well.

(bell rings)

- Good lord, it's not closing time already is it?

- No sir, no sir, that's opening time.

- Oh, good, good.

I just thought I'd come down

and give you all a few tips on salesmanship.

- Oh it will be an honor, sir.

- Yes, yes, I'm all right.

- [Captain Peacock] Places, everyone, places.

- I used to serve, you know.

Fish, mostly. (audience laughs)

- It must be difficult, taking their inside leg, Mr. Grace.

(audience laughs)

- He's an idiot, isn't he?

(audience laughs)

- It's all you can get these days.

(audience laughs) - Yes, yes,

now, I want you all to just pretend

that I'm just one of you.

- Oh, thank you, Mr. Grace.

- Where are the customers, then?

- Sometimes, one has to wait, sir.

- Oh dear, how very boring, yes.

Am I allowed to smoke?

- If you're one of us, no.

- Oh, I don't think much of this job.

(audience laughs)

- Here, oh, I've bedded her down in a hat box,

I think she's started.

- Oh no! - Yeah.

- Mrs. Slocombe!

Don't leave the floor, Mr. Grace is with us.

- But it's very important.

- Mr. Grace is waiting for the first arrival.

- So am I. (audience laughs)

Here, take Hector to her.

She needs him at a time like this.

- Blimey!

Was he the father?

(audience laughs)

(elevator dings)

- Good morning, sir, good morning, madam.

- G'morning.

- Can I help you?

- Yes, trousers.

- Yes, sir, certainly, this way.

I'll, I'll get our senior assistant to attend to you, sir.

- Ah.

- Mr. Grace, are you free?

- I'm free!

(audience laughs)

Good morning, sir.

- The customer would like some trousers.

- Ah yes, good morning, sir, what size?

- 34.

- Oh yes, what about the inside leg?

- Oh, I have no idea, I'm afraid.

- Use my tape, Mr. Grace.

- That's quite all right.

I've got one of my own, thank you Mr. Humphries.

(audience laughs)

- You could do a lot with one of those,

couldn't you, Mr. Humphries?

- Yes in fact, I did all my early training

with one just like that. (giggles)

(audience laughs)

Only mine had a bit more spring in it.

(audience laughs)

- I say, should he be working at his age?

- Well I shall work until I drop! (laughs)

(audience laughs)

- He's dropped.

- I can still do it, you see.

- Bully for you, Mr. Grace!

- 'Scuse me, sir, I should come over here if I were you.

He'll never make it as far as that.

(audience laughs)

- Oh good lord, they're not for me.

They're for my au pair, Helga.

(audience laughs)

- Yes!

(audience laughs)

- So far she's got two boys and a girl!

- Oh, the clever little thing!

- I'm not so sure about that,

they look half-Chinese to me.

And I'll tell you something else,

there's a lot more to come!

(Mrs. Slocombe inhales)

(cat meows)

- Nurse!

Oh, nurse, have you got any anesthetic?

- I don't need an anesthetic, I need a pep pill.

(audience laughs)

- It isn't for you.

It's for my

(cat meows)

- Mrs. Slocombe.

Am I to understand that you have

deliberately disobeyed instructions

and brought that animal into Grace Brothers?

- No, Captain Peacock.

- Then what is in your fitting room?

- My pajama case?

- I see.

- Miracles will never cease, Mrs. Slocombe.

Your pajama case has just given birth

to six kittens, and I must say,

they're absolutely enchanting.

(audience ooh and ahhs)

(audience applauds)

(light groovy music)