Original subtitles

(cash registers ringing)

♫ Ground floor perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food, going up

- What are you looking at your watch for?

We've only been here a half an hour.

- I'm worried about Captain Peacock.

I've never known him so late.

- I explained the situation to Mrs. Axelby.

"Well," she said, "handsome is as handsome does".

"That's just the trouble," I said, "It didn't".

(audience laughs)

- Anymore news about you and that buyer's job?

- I've got an interview with a lady from personnel.

- Oh.

Whose personnel?

- They sent somebody down from head office

and ask you a lot of questions.

Usually it's a man, and then of course it's a pushover.

I just wear a short skirt and cross me legs.

(audience laughs)

I'm out of there in a minute.

♫ Going 'round the world

♫ Looking for the sunshine

- Heads up.

Mrs. Slocombe, just the lady I'm looking for.

Do you miss out on the important engagement,

and you find that you cannot spare the time

for that little extra something on your coiffure?

Do you wake up in the morning feeling like

you've been shot out of a cannon?

(audience laughs)

Do you wish your hair was like this, but,

when you look in the mirror, it looks like this?

(audience laughs)

- What is that?

- That's an ado display model for Beauty Bolts,

the new washable party wig.

You can wash it, crush it, screw it, boil it,

and it still comes out bandbox fresh.

How's that? (audience laughs)

- Take it off,

and, if you're not off the floor in one minute,

I shall report you to Captain Peacock.

- No, you won't, 'cause he ain't come in yet,

and what's more, you know Mr. Rumbold's secretary?

She ain't come in neither.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Nothing, nothing.

Not unless you happen to see them both

come out of the duplicating cupboard together.

(audience laughs)

Unless you see two hands clasped underneath

the canteen table, and what is more:

who did he keep using his blow tickler on

at the Christmas party?

(audience laughs)

- Oh, yes.

Oh, no.

(audience laughs)

He's much too old.

- Yeah, and she's ever so common.

- It's not a matter of being common, darling.

You ain't exactly Easter Ranseed, are you?

(audience laughs)

- Do you mind?

We live in a detached house.

- Only because they pulled down all the other ones

around here.

(audience laughs)

- No sign of Captain Peacock, yet?

- No, I've never known him so late, Mr. Grainger.

As a matter of fact, I was just saying to Mr. Lucas

that I've never known him so late, wasn't I, Mr. Lucas?

- You were. You were, Mr. Humphries.

Yes, and I was just saying that Mr. Rumbold's secretary

wasn't in yet either.

- That's right, indeed.

He just said that Mr. Rumbold's secretary wasn't in yet

either, and he went like that.

(audience laughs)

- What did you mean by that?

- Have you noticed it's been going on

ever since the Christmas party?

- I said we shouldn't have had mistletoe.

It always causes trouble.

- It wasn't that.

It was the postman's knot.

- It was very badly organized.

I got a parcel with 12 stamps on it.

Called out for three and got the night watchman.

(audience laughs)

- You're lucky I got Mrs. Slocombe.

(audience laughs)

- I didn't see Captain Peacock at all that evening.

- Well, he was with Mr. Rumbold's secretary.

- Yeah, and then he told her that we were gonna play

Sardines, and he took her into the broom cupboard.

- We'd never have found him yet,

except he caught his blow tickler in the door.

- She said she'd missed her last bus,

so he said he'd give her a lift home to Reading.

- He was last seen surrounded by policemen

playing Amazing Grace on a breathalyzer bag.

(audience laughs)

- (laughter drowns out speech) Mr. Humphries.

- Men's apparel.

(audience laughs)

Assistant 13 speaking. Unlucky for some.

(audience laughs)

Hello, Mrs. Peacock, can I help you?

Mrs. Peacock.

Yes.

She wants to know if Captain Peacock got back safely

from his conference in Birmingham.

- Sales conference in Birmingham.

- He hasn't been to a sales conference in Birmingham.

- You can't tell her that.

- I know.

No, it's not convenient at the moment.

You've come straight through to a fitting room.

How's that for you, sir?

- Well, it's fine, it's fine. Just fine.

- I'm just serving five rubbish in with a

(heavily accented speech) at the moment.

(audience laughs)

Captain Peacock is dealing with a customer elsewhere.

- Probably in Reading.

- He's probably in bedding.

(audience laughs)

I'll give him your message as soon as he comes on the floor

and get him to ring you.

I see, you'll ring him yourself?

Bye bye, Mrs. Peacock. Thank you.

What about that then?

- Well, it proves one thing.

He hasn't been home.

- I do hope he hasn't gone off the rails.

I did myself, you know, when I was in bathroom fittings.

(audience laughs)

There was a girl in haberdashery.

I got her into trouble.

- What, with a supervisor?

- In the club.

(audience laughs)

- You mean the social club?

- The pudding club.

(audience laughs)

You think you invented it?

(audience laughs)

(elevator dings)

- Look, there he is now.

(elevator dings)

- And there she is.

Don't let him see us looking.

It's disgusting.

(audience laughs)

- They're pretending to ignore each other.

(audience laughs)

- Did you see that?

- Did you see that?

- Carry on, sir, nothing has happened.

(humming) (audience laughs)

- Good morning, Mr. Humphries.

- Good morning, Captain Peacock.

- Morning, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Good afternoon, Captain Peacock.

(audience laughs)

- I guess I am a bit late.

There's a reason, of course.

- And here it comes.

- And the next object is a lie.

A lie.

(audience laughs)

- I'm afraid I overslept, and so did Mrs. Peacock,

and the alarm failed to go off.

- Yes, well, the alarm's gone off all right now.

Mrs. Peacock's just phoned.

(audience laughs)

- What did she say?

- She wanted to know if you got back all right.

- How thoughtful of her.

- From your sales conference in Birmingham.

(audience laughs)

- Yes, I could explain that--

(phone rings)

- You better explain to her now.

- Men's ready-made.

(laughs)

Hello, my dear.

How sweet of you to ring.

What on Earth makes you think that I wasn't in Birmingham?

How could your brother have seen me driving through Reading?

But, darling, there must be lots of Fords with a broken

rear window, missing hubcaps, and a dent in the rear wing.

(audience laughs)

Well, if he had a girl with him, that proves it wasn't me.

Where was I when you last called?

- In bedding.

- I was in bedding.

No, not Reading. Bedding.

(audience laughs)

Look, dear, there's really no need for you to come over here

to talk over anything,

We could easily have a little chat when I get home.

Now, I must go.

We've got a lot of customers.

- That's fine.

Yes, you've been a very attentive young man.

- Thank you, Mr. Robertson,

and don't worry if (heavily accented speech) a bit long.

It's bound to ride up with wear.

(audience laughs)

- As you can hear, dear, we are very busy.

(phone clicks)

Bye bye, darling.

(laughs)

(laughs)

(audience laughs)

All this must seem a bit strange to you.

- Not when you watch Coronation Street.

(audience laughs)

- Don't worry, Stephen, we'll back you up.

- If you're referring to the rumors that there is something

between Mr. Rumbold's secretary and myself,

I must categorically deny it.

(whispering)

Excuse me a moment.

Not here.

- Mr. Rumbold wants to see you.

- Well, you don't have to make a secret about that.

I'll be there in a minute.

She just came to tell me that Mr. Rumbold wishes to see me.

- Yeah.

- Course it's none of my business, but,

while you're in there, I should get Rumbold to back up

your story about the sales conference in Birmingham.

- I can't overlook your lateness.

I shall have to forward this report.

(knocking on door)

Come in.

I shall only be a moment, Peacock.

I'm just taking down the details of why my secretary

was so very late this morning.

Now, let's just run over this.

You've spent the night with Stephen in a car shelter.

- No, no, with my friend Stephanie in Carshalton.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, yes, and by mistake, in the morning,

she took the Hamburg from the bedside table?

- Handbag.

- Oh, yes. Handbag.

With your season ticket in it, and,

by the time she returned, you were late.

Do you have anything else to add.

- I'm sure she hasn't.

- No, sir.

- Yes, I can't promise that you won't hear more of this.

That's all.

(laughs)

(audience laughs)

I can't help feeling that that girl's

getting into bad company.

(audience laughs)

Peacock, you too were rather late this morning.

- No connection, sir.

(audience laughs)

- Wasn't suggesting that there was,

but I would like an explanation.

- It was for reasons I'd rather not go into.

I told Mrs. Peacock that I was with you

at a sales conference in Birmingham.

- But I wasn't at a sales conference in Birmingham.

- I know that, sir, but couldn't you pretend

that we were at a sales conference in Birmingham?

- Is this some kind of game?

- No, sir, but, if Mrs. Peacock asks you,

it's absolutely vital that you bear up my story.

After all, we have known each other 14 years,

man and boys wear. (laughs)

- I'm sorry, Peacock, but I was in London last night,

and our friendship is not strong enough to make me say

that I was 90 miles away in Birmingham.

- Watford Gap?

(audience laughs) (phone rings)

- Rumbold, here.

It's my secretary's father.

Yes, we were rather wired about it too,

but there's no cause for alarm.

She spent the night with Stephen in a car shelter.

- Stephanie in Carshalton.

- I'm sorry.

It's my glasses.

With Stephanie in Carshalton.

I see.

Oh, dear.

Well, you better do what you think best.

Yes, goodbye.

These young girls, all a tissue of lies.

Her father phoned Stephanie, and you can guess the rest.

- She didn't spend the night in Carshalton.

- Precisely.

- Has he any inkling where she did spend the night?

- No, but he's coming here to see the girl and find out.

- I'd suppose it's absolutely out of the question

to have the rest of the day off.

(audience laughs) (phone rings)

- Rumbold, here.

- Mrs. Cannon from personnel's coming over in five minutes

to interview Mrs. Slocombe.

Is it all right if she uses your office?

- Yes, yes, of course.

Well, that'll be all, Peacock.

- Thank you, sir.

You've been most helpful.

- Peacock, I'll tell you what I can do.

I can try to be elsewhere if Mrs. Peacock calls, hmm?

- Thank you, sir.

- Get me Mrs. Slocombe, will you?

- It's Jackie. It's for you.

- Mrs. Slocombe, underwear.

Oh, in your office, Mr. Rumbold?

Yes, thank you very much.

Wish me luck.

I'm going to be interviewed now

with the lady from personnel.

You know, I think I'll wear me glasses, make me look older.

I mean, I don't want to look too young for the job.

On the other hand

(audience laughs)

I don't want to look too old either.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Everything all right, Captain Peacock?

- Yes, up to a point.

- Was Mr. Rumbold helpful?

- Let's put it this way:

if one were drowning, Mr. Rumbold would be the first

to hold out an electric cow prod.

(audience laughs)

- Hear, hear Captain Peacock.

Do you want the good news or the bad news?

- Get on with it. What is it?

- Here's the bad news: your wife has just cut through

the main doors, and the good news is that there's a

sila bulletproof vest down in sports department.

(audience laughs)

- You know what I do in cases like this?

I just bare my soul and reveal everything.

And run like hell.

(audience laughs)

- I'd be most grateful if you'd both stay within earshot.

She won't make a scene in public.

(elevator dings)

- Standby. Here's the lift.

- Blimey, the worry has now have aged her.

(audience laughs)

- That is not my wife.

This is my wife.

- Stephen.

- Hello, my dear.

I didn't expect to see you.

- Where were you?

- When, dear?

- If you're going to prevaricate with me, I shall kick you

right in the middle of the gentleman's department.

(audience laughs)

- Can't we discuss this when I get home, my sweet?

- You won't be going home.

They're changing the locks now, my precious.

- But we were going to the old comrade's dance tonight.

You promised to press my dinner jacket.

- I've kept my promise.

I have pressed it right down the lavatory.

(audience laughs)

And I pulled the chain.

- But we bought that dinner jacket together.

I remember it was an export reject.

- I cleaned your shoes as well with your shirt,

not to mention polishing the silver with your tie

and sweeping the chimney with your pajamas.

- Very domesticated, isn't she?

(audience laughs)

- You were with that girl, weren't you?

- What girl?

- I heard all about you at the Christmas party

with your blow tickler.

You were disgraceful.

You were a figure of fun.

- I was not a figure of fun.

I behaved with perfect dignity.

Is that not so, Mr. Humphries?

- Quite right Captain Peacock,

and the stories about your blow tickler

are a gross exaggeration.

(audience laughs)

- You didn't even use it after you'd trapped it

in the broom cupboard, did you?

(audience laughs)

- Let me tell you this, Stephen Peacock.

You've used your blow tickler for the last time.

I'm going to see Mr. Rumbold,

and when I've told him everything about you,

you'll be back where you started,

sweeping up in the stock room.

- The lady from personnel just called to say

she's sorry for the delay.

She won't be a minute.

- That's quite all right.

(audience laughs)

(knocking on door)

Enter.

(audience laughs)

- Is this Mr. Rumbold's office?

- Yes, that's right.

- Where is he?

- I don't know, but I'm sure he'll be back before long.

- Do you work for him?

- Yes, I do.

- You're the one then, aren't you?

- I sincerely hope so.

(audience laughs)

- You're older than I expected.

(audience laughs)

- I'm only a little over 40, and though I do say,

so I shouldn't, I have all the enthusiasm

of a younger woman,

(audience laughs)

combined with a great deal of experience.

(audience laughs)

- You're pretty cool, aren't you?

- Of course it's not the first time

I've been up for this sort of thing.

(audience laughs)

- You've done it before, have you?

- Oh, yes.

I believe in jumping at every opportunity.

(audience laughs)

Anything to get out of underwear.

(audience laughs)

I'm afraid, well, there isn't much room behind the counter

(audience laughs)

for a woman of my imagination.

- You're very outspoken, aren't you?

- You know what us Northerners are.

- You were in Reading, weren't you?

- Reading?

(audience laughs)

- Come along now. Tell me the truth.

Were you or were you not in Reading?

- Will it help if I said I was?

(audience laughs)

- I knew it.

That's all I need to know.

- Don't you want to know any details?

- I've got quite enough for my solicitor to settle

the necessary documents, and I shall see to it

that your name appears in every newspaper,

and they'll all know you for what you are.

- Fame at last.

(audience laughs)

- And from now on, you can take care of the gallant

Stephen Peacock.

You can iron his shirts and iron his socks,

and you can bring up his early morning tea when he's sitting

up in bed in those hideous striped pajamas.

(audience laughs)

- They never mentioned anything about that

when they advertised a vacancy on the notice board.

(audience laughs)

- Captain Peacock, you want the bad news

or the very bad news?

(audience laughs)

- Just get to the point.

- The girl's father's here on the premises

looking for the man what spent the night with his daughter.

- Glass of water for Captain Peacock.

(audience laughs)

- I should save it 'til he's had the very bad news.

- Mrs. Peacock was last seen chasing Mrs. Slocombe

down the store there,

hitting her over the head with her umbrella.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Grainger, would you take care of the floor

for a few moments?

- With pleasure.

- Standby to make it permanently.

(audience laughs)

- Pleasure, Stephen.

Anything to help.

Mr. Humphries, are you free?

- I'm very free, Mr. Grainger.

(audience laughs)

- Will you take over for me while I take over

for Captain Peacock?

(audience laughs)

- Shall I take over for you, Mr. Humphries,

or shall I stay standing here?

(audience laughs)

- Keep going.

Just look at that action.

(audience laughs)

- He's wanted that job for 15 years.

- The mind is willing, but the bunions are weak.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

You take over for Mrs. Slocombe.

(audience laughs)

- It don't look like she got the job.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, look up, it's the girls father.

(audience laughs)

- Good morning, sir. Can I be of any help?

- Are you the person in charge of this department?

- I am, yes.

- So, you're the one who's ruined my daughter's reputation.

(audience laughs)

- You mean the girl who was in haberdashery?

- There's another one?

- But that was 25 years ago.

- But you're still at it.

You see this?

This was for my daughter's wedding next week.

Now her fiance has walked out on her, and why?

All because of you.

(audience laughs)

(laughing drowns out chattering)

- You sit there, Mr. Grainger.

Are you all right?

- What?

- I said are you all right?

- No, of course I'm not all right.

How can I be all right with currants in both ears?

(audience laughs)

I'm going to sue, you know.

- You do that, Mr. Grainger,

and don't forget to simulate your cream up the nostrils.

- Good afternoon, everybody.

(all mumbling greetings)

- Mr. Grace has very kindly agreed to preside in this

sort of inquiry into the affair concerning

Captain Peacock and my secretary

- I would like to object to the word affair

being used at this stage.

There has been no affair.

- I wasn't using the word affair in that sense.

Shall we call it the occurrence?

- I'm going to sue for that too.

(audience laughs)

- Sue for what, Mr. Grainger?

- The currants in my ear.

(audience laughs)

- I'll explain to him.

We haven't got to your currants yet.

- No, they're very deep.

I should probably have to be anesthetized and syringed.

- Carry on. He'll catch up.

(audience laughs)

- We also have to consider the case of the assault

by Mrs. Peacock on Mrs. Slocombe,

an assault witnessed by Mr. Harman.

- Yes, I had one up my nose, but I got it out.

(audience laughs)

- Had what up your nose?

- Salted almonds.

(audience laughs)

- We're talking about Mrs. Slocombe.

She gets up everyone's nose.

(audience laughs)

- Don't start.

I am just in the mood.

(audience laughs)

- That was Joe Loss, wasn't it?

(audience laughs)

(applause)

- What was Joe Loss, Mr. Grace?

- In the mood.

(audience laughs)

- Yes, yes, you're quite right, sir,

but we're discussing the assault on Mrs. Slocombe.

- Yes, those terrible fellows, those bad boys, you know?

(audience laughs)

- Excuse me, sir.

Shall I serve out the coffee while we sort it out

as far as we've got?

- No, we must get on.

We also have to consider the cake on Mr. Grainger'd head

with the cream up the nose and the currants in the ears.

(audience laughs)

- Now you're rambling.

Did you get all that down?

- Every word, sir. - Well, cross it out.

(audience laughs)

- Perhaps if we took things in the order

in which they happened, we might avoid confusion.

- Some, I hopes, we'll have to send for Ellery Queen.

(audience laughs)

- It would be the best Ellery to send for.

(audience laughs)

- Yes, well, I think perhaps you're right, Captain Peacock.

Mr. Grace and I are most anxious that,

at the end of the day, every party concerned

should leave this room completely satisfied.

- Does that include Mr. Grace's secretary as well?

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Lucas, this is a serious matter.

My whole future at Grace Bros. is at stake.

- Well, I think you should be sent right off.

- Mr. Lucas is a material witness to you being hit

on the head.

- Yeah, I was the one who cheered.

(audience laughs)

- Listen, it's no laughing matter.

She could well have suffered brain damage

if it hadn't been for the fact she got her hair

double-lacquered for the interview.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Harman, ask my secretary to come in, will you?

- Yes, certainly, sir.

I have kept Mrs. Peacock separate from her

in case they got together and at each other on the carpet.

I've also taken the liberty of confiscating her umbrella.

Calling Miss Monica Hazlewood.

- Do, take a seat, please.

(audience laughs)

- You see that.

You see? He's pretending to ignore her.

I bet it's been going on for years.

- Now, Miss Hazlewood, I'm going to ask you

a direct question.

I have no right to do so, and, of course,

you don't have to answer it, and, if you do answer it,

nobody's going to hold it against you or use it

in any future proceedings.

Do you understand?

- Yes, sir.

- It hardly seems worth her coming, does it?

(audience laughs)

- Did you or did you not spend the night

with Captain Peacock?

- I object.

Spend the night has many connotations.

One can spend the night quite innocently

in someone's company.

If you mean did she have an affair with me, then say so.

- Very well. Did you have an affair with Captain Peacock?

- Certainly not.

- Thank you.

- That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of.

It's absurd.

Ew, it's unthinkable.

(audience laughs)

- You've made your point, Miss Hazlewood.

(audience laughs)

A plain no would have been quite sufficient.

- It's a sultana.

(audience laughs)

- I beg your pardon.

- It's just fell out of my left ear.

(audience laughs)

I thought it was a current, but it's a sultana.

(audience laughs)

- Thank you, Mr. Grainger.

- Shall I put it on the table as exhibit a?

(audience laughs)

- Damn, I've dropped the thing.

- Miss Brahms is sitting on it. Here you go.

- Get off!

- Look at that, it's still warm.

(audience laughs)

A bit flat, but it's still warm.

- Allow me.

Exhibit a.

(audience laughs)

- I can hear much better now.

- I think the only way to settle this is for me to give

a detailed account in front of my wife

of all the precise circumstances that led to this

unfortunate chain of events.

- Yes, I think you're right.

Mr. Harman, ask Mrs. Peacock to come in, will you?

- Calling Mrs. Peacock.

- Please sit down.

(audience laughs)

- Who's this?

- This is Captain Peacock's wife, sir.

- Sooner him than me.

(audience laughs)

- Is that her?

- That is my secretary, yes.

(cries)

- When I was in the navy, we had a petty officer

just like that.

(audience laughs)

- I notice she didn't burst into tears

when she thought it was me.

- Funny, that.

(audience laughs)

- I'm so sorry. It was such a shock.

- First of all, there have been rumors for some time

that I've been paying attention to Miss Hazlewood.

It has been said that, at the Christmas party,

I pursued her with my blow tickler.

(audience laughs)

- Exhibit b, one blow tickler.

(party horn blowing)

- I should like to make it perfectly clear

that I pursued everybody with my block tickler.

(audience laughs)

- I'll second that.

(audience laughs)

- We all did a lot of blow tickling.

I think we can ignore that.

- Cross out the blow tickling.

(audience laughs)

Secondly, it has been said that I held Miss Hazlewood's hand

in the canteen.

That is true.

- Now we're getting down to the gritty nitty.

(audience laughs)

- I was comforting her.

- I expect she was frightened by the toad in the hole.

(audience laughs)

- We were discussing marriage.

(cries)

- Emotional woman, isn't she?

(audience laughs)

- Her marriage. Her forthcoming marriage to her fiance.

She was asking my advice.

I was against it.

I thought she was too young and inexperienced.

- So you took her out to give her some experience?

(audience laughs)

- I did not.

On the night in question, she was distressed,

so I took her to Beppe's Cafe for a coffee.

- Big spender.

(audience laughs)

- I tried to dissuade her from the irrevocable stab

of getting married.

- Because of your own unhappy experience?

- I didn't say that.

- No, but you looked it.

- Sound the gong, please.

Break clean.

(audience laughs)

- I succeeded.

She phoned her fiance and called it off.

Am I correct?

- Oh, yes.

I wanted four (crying drowns out speech)

- He has a remarkable effect on women, doesn't he?

(audience laughs)

- He was so good looking, and now he's got nobody.

- Story of my life.

(audience laughs)

- Miss Hazlewood was in a state similar to the one

you see her in now, so I thought it best to run her home

in my car.

Six miles outside Reading, I broke down.

It was raining, and I tried to restart,

but there must have been an electrical fault,

because there was no current in my battery.

(audience laughs)

- I thought the currants were in Grainger's ear.

(audience laughs)

- No, sir, that was a sultana.

(audience laughs)

- Very complicated, isn't it?

(audience laughs)

- We waited until dawn when the patrol van

started me up again.

- Just a minute. Just a minute.

What happened between the time the car broke down

and daylight?

- I suggested that Miss Hazlewood climb into the back.

- That's exactly what I would have done.

(audience laughs)

- I sat behind the wheel all night

trying to think what to say to the woman I love.

- Why not jump in the front for a quick cuddle?

(audience laughs)

- Quiet, Lucas.

- Foolishly, I asked Mr. Rumbold to perjure himself.

Quite correctly he refused so to do,

for after all, when the final account is balanced up

in the book of life, we are men of integrity.

What I've said is true, and I swear it

as a God-fearing man and an ex officer

of the Royal Army Service Corps.

(applause)

- Mrs. Peacock, if ever I've heard the truth

from the lips of a man, I've heard it today.

I'm sure you can doubt your husband no longer.

- I didn't think people talk like this anymore.

(audience laughs)

- Darling, I believe you.

(audience laughs)

- Well, that's all settled then, and,

on behalf of Grace Bros., may we hope that

you will both sail life's stormy seas

into the calm waters of old age safely

and irremovably together.

- We probably shall.

(audience laughs)

(applause)

(upbeat music)