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1
00:00:00,859 --> 00:00:03,674
(cash register rings)
2
00:00:03,674 --> 00:00:06,091
(jazz music)
3
00:00:27,645 --> 00:00:29,445
(audience laughs)
4
00:00:29,445 --> 00:00:30,429
- Can I help you?
5
00:00:30,429 --> 00:00:31,638
- Yes, I was wondering ...
6
00:00:31,638 --> 00:00:34,063
- We're going on holiday,
he wants some beachwear.
7
00:00:34,063 --> 00:00:37,613
- Yes, I want some, I want some beachwear.
8
00:00:37,613 --> 00:00:40,302
- Robes and swimming trunks.
9
00:00:40,302 --> 00:00:42,912
- Yes, a robe and some swimming trunks.
10
00:00:42,912 --> 00:00:43,826
- I just said that, Claude.
11
00:00:43,826 --> 00:00:45,755
- Yes, she just said that.
12
00:00:45,755 --> 00:00:47,304
(audience laughs)
13
00:00:47,304 --> 00:00:50,613
- Yes, Mr. Grainger, are
you free for beachwear?
14
00:00:50,613 --> 00:00:54,789
- I'm sorry, Captain Peacock,
but I'm brim steaming.
15
00:00:54,789 --> 00:00:56,224
(audience laughs)
16
00:00:56,224 --> 00:00:58,734
- What a lovely action you
have there, Mr. Grainger.
17
00:00:58,734 --> 00:00:59,829
(audience laughs)
18
00:00:59,829 --> 00:01:00,731
- Are you free, Mr. Lucas?
19
00:01:00,731 --> 00:01:02,061
- I'm sorry, Captain
Peacock, this lady's looking
20
00:01:02,061 --> 00:01:03,843
for something large in y-fronts.
21
00:01:03,843 --> 00:01:06,541
(audience laughs)
22
00:01:06,541 --> 00:01:08,954
- Where's Mr. Humphries, is he free?
23
00:01:08,954 --> 00:01:10,140
- I'm free.
24
00:01:10,140 --> 00:01:12,973
(audience laughs)
25
00:01:14,319 --> 00:01:16,590
Just had a disaster with my braces.
26
00:01:16,590 --> 00:01:18,357
I stooped to conquer an inside leg,
27
00:01:18,357 --> 00:01:20,282
there was a loud ping,
and I had to finish up
28
00:01:20,282 --> 00:01:21,938
the customer with my hands in my pocket.
29
00:01:21,938 --> 00:01:23,738
(audience laughs)
30
00:01:23,738 --> 00:01:26,493
- This lady says that this
gentleman requires beachwear.
31
00:01:26,493 --> 00:01:29,065
- Oh, my word, doesn't
the year fly quickly?
32
00:01:29,065 --> 00:01:31,533
One minute it's oh come all ye faithful,
33
00:01:31,533 --> 00:01:33,962
the next minute you're flat
on your back in the sand.
34
00:01:33,962 --> 00:01:35,329
(audience laughs)
35
00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:38,619
It's hard to know which one
enjoys the most, this way.
36
00:01:38,619 --> 00:01:40,835
(audience laughs)
37
00:01:40,835 --> 00:01:42,259
Now what did Sir have in mind?
38
00:01:42,259 --> 00:01:44,637
We have Bermudas, down to
there, we have the shorts
39
00:01:44,637 --> 00:01:48,074
up to there, and we have
the briefs up to there.
40
00:01:48,074 --> 00:01:50,282
Anything else is in the sports department.
41
00:01:50,282 --> 00:01:52,034
(audience laughs)
42
00:01:52,034 --> 00:01:54,749
- We were thinking of
going to the Orkneys.
43
00:01:54,749 --> 00:01:57,423
- How about some heiress tweed cottons?
44
00:01:57,423 --> 00:01:59,945
- Now don't worry if the wig
is a little loose, madam,
45
00:01:59,945 --> 00:02:02,234
you'll find it will ride up with wear.
46
00:02:02,234 --> 00:02:04,198
Anyway, what was I saying?
47
00:02:04,198 --> 00:02:05,244
- You were in this pub on your own ...
48
00:02:05,244 --> 00:02:07,694
- Oh, yes, I was just
ordering a bottle of champagne
49
00:02:07,694 --> 00:02:09,370
for me birthday.
50
00:02:09,370 --> 00:02:11,264
- Your birthday, oh, we
haven't missed it, have we?
51
00:02:11,264 --> 00:02:14,853
- (Laughs) Oh, no no no,
it's not for three days yet.
52
00:02:14,853 --> 00:02:16,901
- I was gonna say, we
haven't had a collection yet.
53
00:02:16,901 --> 00:02:21,081
- Oh, you mustn't think
of buying anything for me.
54
00:02:21,081 --> 00:02:21,973
Well, not much anyway.
55
00:02:21,973 --> 00:02:23,337
(audience laughs)
56
00:02:23,337 --> 00:02:25,245
Well, as I was saying, isn't it funny
57
00:02:25,245 --> 00:02:27,659
how you get into conversation with people?
58
00:02:27,659 --> 00:02:30,005
I mean, there I was sitting on this stool
59
00:02:30,005 --> 00:02:32,633
and this man was right
over at the other side
60
00:02:32,633 --> 00:02:35,260
and all I did was take
me shoe off and bang it
61
00:02:35,260 --> 00:02:37,131
on the counter to knock a nail back in
62
00:02:37,131 --> 00:02:39,719
and he looked up and smiled.
63
00:02:39,719 --> 00:02:41,835
Well, after that he must
have been interested,
64
00:02:41,835 --> 00:02:43,793
and he must have been watching
65
00:02:43,793 --> 00:02:45,611
because the minute I dropped me handbag
66
00:02:45,611 --> 00:02:48,765
and me change went all over
the floor, he was on his knees,
67
00:02:48,765 --> 00:02:50,487
helping me.
68
00:02:50,487 --> 00:02:51,635
- Oh, was he good looking?
69
00:02:51,635 --> 00:02:54,528
- Well, you know that
film where Steve McQueen
70
00:02:54,528 --> 00:02:56,974
played a racing driver with a limp?
71
00:02:56,974 --> 00:02:58,791
- He didn't look like
Steve McQueen, did he?
72
00:02:58,791 --> 00:03:01,388
- Well, no, but he had
a very similar limp.
73
00:03:01,388 --> 00:03:03,153
(audience laughs)
74
00:03:03,153 --> 00:03:04,151
- There you are, sir.
75
00:03:04,151 --> 00:03:07,002
(audience laughs)
76
00:03:07,002 --> 00:03:08,631
Would Madam care to see the shorts?
77
00:03:08,631 --> 00:03:10,050
- Oh yes, of course.
78
00:03:10,050 --> 00:03:13,133
- Madam would care to see the shorts.
79
00:03:14,003 --> 00:03:15,823
(woman gasps)
80
00:03:15,823 --> 00:03:16,700
(audience laughs)
81
00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:18,329
- You are getting absent minded.
82
00:03:18,329 --> 00:03:21,162
(audience laughs)
83
00:03:24,414 --> 00:03:27,913
- It's a good job he
remembered his wife runs.
84
00:03:27,913 --> 00:03:29,560
♫ Been round the world
85
00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:31,992
♫ Looking for the sunshine
86
00:03:31,992 --> 00:03:33,290
- Mr. Harmon, how many
times have I told you
87
00:03:33,290 --> 00:03:36,681
not to present yourself on the
floor during opening hours?
88
00:03:36,681 --> 00:03:39,671
- It must be awful for you to
keep telling me off like that.
89
00:03:39,671 --> 00:03:42,035
It's making you frown,
and if you keep frowning,
90
00:03:42,035 --> 00:03:43,802
you're gonna look older and older.
91
00:03:43,802 --> 00:03:45,881
And Mrs. Peacock will find a younger man
92
00:03:45,881 --> 00:03:47,985
and leave you and you'll go all to pieces
93
00:03:47,985 --> 00:03:49,632
and have to retire just 'cause
I keep coming on this floor
94
00:03:49,632 --> 00:03:51,765
which I've every right
to do, seeing as I've got
95
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:54,505
deliveries to the gent's department.
96
00:03:54,505 --> 00:03:55,859
- Have you quite finished?
97
00:03:55,859 --> 00:03:57,173
(audience laughs)
98
00:03:57,173 --> 00:03:59,573
- I'll just move it over
here and connect it up.
99
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:01,323
- What on earth is it?
100
00:04:01,323 --> 00:04:03,684
- It's the new model for
if you wanna get 'eadgear
101
00:04:03,684 --> 00:04:04,860
'at week.
102
00:04:04,860 --> 00:04:06,437
(audience laughs)
103
00:04:06,437 --> 00:04:10,913
- That is why I was doing my
brim steaming, Captain Peacock.
104
00:04:10,913 --> 00:04:13,643
- Mr. Grainger's often shown
me how to brim steam and shape,
105
00:04:13,643 --> 00:04:16,410
but I get the wrist action
wrong every time I do it,
106
00:04:16,410 --> 00:04:17,283
it goes limp.
107
00:04:17,283 --> 00:04:20,709
(audience laughs)
108
00:04:20,709 --> 00:04:21,970
- Your wrist or the brim?
109
00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:23,849
(audience laughs)
110
00:04:23,849 --> 00:04:26,607
- I say, perhaps you'd like me
to give you a demonstration?
111
00:04:26,607 --> 00:04:27,689
- Carry on, Mr. Harmon.
112
00:04:27,689 --> 00:04:30,358
(Harmon snaps fingers)
113
00:04:30,358 --> 00:04:32,823
(audience laughs)
114
00:04:32,823 --> 00:04:35,464
- I like it, I like it, I like it.
115
00:04:35,464 --> 00:04:38,357
(audience laughs)
116
00:04:38,357 --> 00:04:41,024
I like it, I like it, I like it.
117
00:04:42,495 --> 00:04:43,616
- Well, that'll come in
handy if you're carrying
118
00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:45,943
a couple of suitcases and
you bump into the queen.
119
00:04:45,943 --> 00:04:48,163
(audience laughs)
120
00:04:48,163 --> 00:04:51,074
- How funny, the eyes are
supposed to light up as well.
121
00:04:51,074 --> 00:04:53,473
- Perhaps they only do that
if the queen's actually there.
122
00:04:53,473 --> 00:04:55,391
- Yes, well now you've
delivered it, Mr. Harmon,
123
00:04:55,391 --> 00:04:56,291
please leave.
124
00:04:56,291 --> 00:04:59,802
- I can't, I've got another
one for Mrs. Slocombe, Henry?
125
00:04:59,802 --> 00:05:01,284
Here, Mrs. Slocombe,
126
00:05:01,284 --> 00:05:03,262
I've got some new models
for the flexy girdle,
127
00:05:03,262 --> 00:05:06,568
it contains a figure
what's out of control.
128
00:05:06,568 --> 00:05:08,667
- Captain Peacock, I
hope that is not going
129
00:05:08,667 --> 00:05:11,182
to distract attention from my hat.
130
00:05:11,182 --> 00:05:13,855
- We're all working for the
same store, Mr. Grainger.
131
00:05:13,855 --> 00:05:17,160
- I don't think it's
fair, his moves and talks,
132
00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:19,801
mine doesn't do anything.
133
00:05:19,801 --> 00:05:23,968
- Don't underestimate the
Flexy Girdle corporation.
134
00:05:25,630 --> 00:05:28,463
(audience laughs)
135
00:05:31,631 --> 00:05:34,464
- I like it, I like it, I like it.
136
00:05:35,957 --> 00:05:38,915
(audience laughs)
137
00:05:38,915 --> 00:05:39,998
- Where's the others?
138
00:05:39,998 --> 00:05:42,066
- Well, I rushed on ahead
to give them a chance
139
00:05:42,066 --> 00:05:43,746
to talk about me birthday.
140
00:05:43,746 --> 00:05:45,718
- I haven't reminded them yet.
141
00:05:45,718 --> 00:05:48,626
- Haven't you, not that
it matters of course,
142
00:05:48,626 --> 00:05:51,877
but they'll be so upset if
they find they've forgotten it.
143
00:05:51,877 --> 00:05:53,298
- Well, I haven't had time.
144
00:05:53,298 --> 00:05:56,305
- Anyway, should the conversation crop up,
145
00:05:56,305 --> 00:05:59,706
I'll leave the table and
they ain't never confab,
146
00:05:59,706 --> 00:06:02,016
only remember, I've got an
ironing board and an iron
147
00:06:02,016 --> 00:06:03,467
and a coffee pot and a toaster.
148
00:06:03,467 --> 00:06:04,433
(audience laughs)
149
00:06:04,433 --> 00:06:07,947
As I said to Mrs.
Axelby, if Richard Burton
150
00:06:07,947 --> 00:06:10,206
wants to give Elizabeth
Taylor a diamond ring
151
00:06:10,206 --> 00:06:13,054
worth two million pounds for her birthday,
152
00:06:13,054 --> 00:06:15,647
that's entirely up to him.
(audience laughs)
153
00:06:15,647 --> 00:06:17,275
- You know, I can't remember whether
154
00:06:17,275 --> 00:06:19,203
this is chicken soup or vegetable.
155
00:06:19,203 --> 00:06:20,181
- Well, taste it.
156
00:06:20,181 --> 00:06:23,223
- That's not going to make any difference.
157
00:06:23,223 --> 00:06:26,022
Oh, that's confused everything,
it's got a fish bone in it.
158
00:06:26,022 --> 00:06:27,673
(audience laughs)
159
00:06:27,673 --> 00:06:29,087
- That's not a fish
bone, that's a hair grip.
160
00:06:29,087 --> 00:06:30,403
(audience laughs)
161
00:06:30,403 --> 00:06:31,552
- It's game soup.
162
00:06:31,552 --> 00:06:33,936
(audience laughs)
163
00:06:33,936 --> 00:06:36,157
- You know, I always think
the grapefruit segments
164
00:06:36,157 --> 00:06:37,677
are safer.
165
00:06:37,677 --> 00:06:39,745
- That's what that fly
thought, and he was wrong,
166
00:06:39,745 --> 00:06:40,642
it killed him.
167
00:06:40,642 --> 00:06:42,914
(audience laughs)
168
00:06:42,914 --> 00:06:45,014
- You know, it's so expensive
to eat out these days.
169
00:06:45,014 --> 00:06:49,144
I took Mrs. Peacock to a
little candlelit taverno
170
00:06:49,144 --> 00:06:50,838
for an orzo and a good annopolu,
171
00:06:50,838 --> 00:06:53,102
nothing particularly expensive
(audience laughs)
172
00:06:53,102 --> 00:06:53,974
- Of course.
173
00:06:53,974 --> 00:06:57,824
- And with a (speaks Italian) to finish,
174
00:06:57,824 --> 00:06:59,836
it came to nearly six pounds.
175
00:06:59,836 --> 00:07:01,198
- (Laughs) Night light robbery.
176
00:07:01,198 --> 00:07:03,196
(audience laughs)
177
00:07:03,196 --> 00:07:04,563
- Was it her birthday?
178
00:07:04,563 --> 00:07:05,734
- No.
179
00:07:05,734 --> 00:07:07,083
(audience laughs)
180
00:07:07,083 --> 00:07:10,214
- No, one has to take
one's wife out occasionally
181
00:07:10,214 --> 00:07:11,577
for an airing.
182
00:07:11,577 --> 00:07:14,308
(audience laughs)
183
00:07:14,308 --> 00:07:17,144
- You make her sound like a spaniel.
184
00:07:17,144 --> 00:07:18,036
(audience laughs)
185
00:07:18,036 --> 00:07:20,118
- She doesn't look the
least like a spaniel.
186
00:07:20,118 --> 00:07:21,312
(audience laughs)
187
00:07:21,312 --> 00:07:22,324
- Mind you, he has to tie her ears back
188
00:07:22,324 --> 00:07:23,794
when she's having the soup.
189
00:07:23,794 --> 00:07:24,984
(audience laughs)
190
00:07:24,984 --> 00:07:25,998
- Don't forget you're a junior, Mr. Lucas.
191
00:07:25,998 --> 00:07:30,113
- She has many beautiful
ears, they give her
192
00:07:30,113 --> 00:07:32,780
a very pretty profile, mind you,
193
00:07:33,804 --> 00:07:35,732
head ornament's a bit of a shock.
194
00:07:35,732 --> 00:07:37,550
(audience laughs)
195
00:07:37,550 --> 00:07:38,966
- I don't go out unless
it's a special occasion.
196
00:07:38,966 --> 00:07:41,014
- Like a birthday.
197
00:07:41,014 --> 00:07:44,603
- I stay at home, you know,
and do something exotic.
198
00:07:44,603 --> 00:07:46,334
Every now and again me
mother gets the Jimmy Young
199
00:07:46,334 --> 00:07:49,237
recipe book off the shelf and
we have a few friends round
200
00:07:49,237 --> 00:07:51,374
and then we watch Warship.
201
00:07:51,374 --> 00:07:53,282
(audience laughs)
202
00:07:53,282 --> 00:07:54,715
- Do you eat it while you watch it?
203
00:07:54,715 --> 00:07:56,382
- Only if it's calm.
204
00:07:57,366 --> 00:07:59,264
Then we pass the grog 'round
and we all take it in turns
205
00:07:59,264 --> 00:08:02,513
to pretend to be the
commander getting cross.
206
00:08:02,513 --> 00:08:04,096
- Does your mother play the admiral?
207
00:08:04,096 --> 00:08:07,870
- Only if she promises to go to bed early.
208
00:08:07,870 --> 00:08:11,806
- Mind you, I suppose she
stays up late on her birthday.
209
00:08:11,806 --> 00:08:14,451
Anyway, while you all
talk about birthdays,
210
00:08:14,451 --> 00:08:15,859
I'll just go and have a word
211
00:08:15,859 --> 00:08:18,389
with Miss Cumlosey in cosmetics.
212
00:08:18,389 --> 00:08:20,132
(audience laughs)
213
00:08:20,132 --> 00:08:21,042
- What was all that about?
214
00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:23,474
- It was her idea of a subtle hint.
215
00:08:23,474 --> 00:08:25,854
In three days' time, it's her birthday.
216
00:08:25,854 --> 00:08:26,794
- So what?
217
00:08:26,794 --> 00:08:29,384
- Well, it is one of our
Grace Brothers traditions,
218
00:08:29,384 --> 00:08:32,083
Mr. Lucas, that the
departments club together
219
00:08:32,083 --> 00:08:33,992
to buy a little present
on these occasions.
220
00:08:33,992 --> 00:08:35,406
- Oh, well, that's easy, Miss Brahams
221
00:08:35,406 --> 00:08:37,161
is the lady's department,
she can club herself together
222
00:08:37,161 --> 00:08:39,380
and get something really nice.
223
00:08:39,380 --> 00:08:40,213
(audience laughs)
224
00:08:40,213 --> 00:08:43,576
- Oh, you're mean as
well as being over-sexed.
225
00:08:43,576 --> 00:08:46,452
- The whole floor will
club together, Mr. Lucas,
226
00:08:46,452 --> 00:08:47,785
any suggestions?
227
00:08:49,094 --> 00:08:52,346
- I vote we give her a cyanide tablet.
228
00:08:52,346 --> 00:08:55,412
(audience laughs)
229
00:08:55,412 --> 00:08:57,456
No, I take that back.
230
00:08:57,456 --> 00:08:58,334
- Good.
231
00:08:58,334 --> 00:09:02,954
- Two cyanide tablets, in case
the first one doesn't work.
232
00:09:02,954 --> 00:09:05,039
(audience laughs)
233
00:09:05,039 --> 00:09:07,746
- Mr. Grainger still blames
Mrs. Slocombe's corset display
234
00:09:07,746 --> 00:09:11,125
for giving his revolving
hat a nervous breakdown.
235
00:09:11,125 --> 00:09:13,752
- I think we should make
it 50 P a head, hmm?
236
00:09:13,752 --> 00:09:14,956
- 25 P for juniors.
237
00:09:14,956 --> 00:09:17,320
- You're not that junior.
238
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:18,652
- You're gonna have to
bung in more than that.
239
00:09:18,652 --> 00:09:20,151
It's her 50th.
240
00:09:20,151 --> 00:09:21,746
- What makes you think that, Miss Brown?
241
00:09:21,746 --> 00:09:23,024
- Apart from her appearance.
242
00:09:23,024 --> 00:09:24,529
(audience laughs)
243
00:09:24,529 --> 00:09:26,264
- Well, she happened
to let it out last year
244
00:09:26,264 --> 00:09:29,050
that she's the same age as her cat.
245
00:09:29,050 --> 00:09:32,475
Now she bought that cat in 1968.
246
00:09:32,475 --> 00:09:34,275
- Which makes Mrs.
Slocombe seven years old.
247
00:09:34,275 --> 00:09:35,522
(audience laughs)
248
00:09:35,522 --> 00:09:39,600
- No, in the animal kingdom,
one year counts for seven.
249
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:40,562
- Now wait a minute, let
me get this straight.
250
00:09:40,562 --> 00:09:43,586
That's seven times 50, that makes her 350,
251
00:09:43,586 --> 00:09:44,482
I wouldn't argue with that.
252
00:09:44,482 --> 00:09:46,265
(audience laughs)
253
00:09:46,265 --> 00:09:48,384
- The cat was 49 last year.
254
00:09:48,384 --> 00:09:51,841
- Right, which makes Mrs. Slocombe 50.
255
00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:54,024
- Yes, we shall have
to do something special
256
00:09:54,024 --> 00:09:55,132
to mark the occasion.
257
00:09:55,132 --> 00:09:58,189
- Well, I've already
suggested a cyanide tablet.
258
00:09:58,189 --> 00:09:59,724
(audience laughs)
259
00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:01,712
- Well, in view of this
information, I think
260
00:10:01,712 --> 00:10:03,542
perhaps we should make it a pound a head.
261
00:10:03,542 --> 00:10:06,296
- Yeah, well, if Rumbold chips
in, that'd make it six quid.
262
00:10:06,296 --> 00:10:08,380
- Well, even that's not a lot these days.
263
00:10:08,380 --> 00:10:10,400
- Hmm, I don't know,
it's dinner for one twice
264
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,700
at Captain Peacock's
taverno with gernapolu.
265
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,306
(audience laughs)
266
00:10:15,306 --> 00:10:16,942
- I'm not putting a quid
in until somebody proves
267
00:10:16,942 --> 00:10:18,642
that she's 50.
268
00:10:18,642 --> 00:10:20,014
- Yes, it's a pity we can't ask the cat.
269
00:10:20,014 --> 00:10:22,235
(audience laughs)
270
00:10:22,235 --> 00:10:23,602
- It's very difficult,
you know, to get to know
271
00:10:23,602 --> 00:10:25,302
a lady's age, I keep asking me mother,
272
00:10:25,302 --> 00:10:26,729
she always says, I'm as old as me nose
273
00:10:26,729 --> 00:10:28,572
and a little bit older than me teeth.
274
00:10:28,572 --> 00:10:29,530
(audience laughs)
275
00:10:29,530 --> 00:10:31,494
- I'm a great deal older than my teeth.
276
00:10:31,494 --> 00:10:34,122
(audience laughs)
277
00:10:34,122 --> 00:10:35,722
- Well, how are we gonna find out?
278
00:10:35,722 --> 00:10:38,182
- Well, it should be in
her confidential records
279
00:10:38,182 --> 00:10:40,081
in personnel.
280
00:10:40,081 --> 00:10:42,046
- Yeah, but I'm not doing
a Watergate on her records.
281
00:10:42,046 --> 00:10:43,301
(audience laughs)
282
00:10:43,301 --> 00:10:45,331
- Or perhaps we might sort of tie it up
283
00:10:45,331 --> 00:10:46,834
with a national event.
284
00:10:46,834 --> 00:10:48,434
- What'd you mean?
285
00:10:48,434 --> 00:10:51,743
- Well, for instance, the
Jarrow March, that was in 1936.
286
00:10:51,743 --> 00:10:55,752
Now, if she remembers having
seen it when she was 10,
287
00:10:55,752 --> 00:10:58,502
that would prove that she was 50.
288
00:10:59,344 --> 00:11:01,660
- Suppose the Jarrow March
didn't go past her house.
289
00:11:01,660 --> 00:11:03,410
(audience laughs)
290
00:11:03,410 --> 00:11:05,094
- I shouldn't think it would,
she was born in Blackpool.
291
00:11:05,094 --> 00:11:06,643
(audience laughs)
292
00:11:06,643 --> 00:11:07,610
- I'm not suggesting it's easy.
293
00:11:07,610 --> 00:11:10,186
I mean, this is simply a method.
294
00:11:10,186 --> 00:11:12,581
- Look, I've got a diary here
that's got important events
295
00:11:12,581 --> 00:11:13,811
listed.
296
00:11:13,811 --> 00:11:15,156
- Oh, well, go on, read it out then.
297
00:11:15,156 --> 00:11:16,818
- Oh, I can't, the print's a bit small.
298
00:11:16,818 --> 00:11:17,735
- Allow me.
299
00:11:19,014 --> 00:11:21,470
- My goodness me, it is small, isn't it.
300
00:11:21,470 --> 00:11:25,280
Now then, let's have a look at 1926,
301
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:28,031
now that's the year we're
assuming she was born.
302
00:11:28,031 --> 00:11:28,864
Now ...
303
00:11:30,691 --> 00:11:31,970
Ah, yes, yes, here we are.
304
00:11:31,970 --> 00:11:33,981
Let's see if she remembers any of these.
305
00:11:33,981 --> 00:11:37,742
Ibn Saud proclaimed king
of the Hejaz in Yedar.
306
00:11:37,742 --> 00:11:39,530
(audience laughs)
307
00:11:39,530 --> 00:11:41,926
- That would stick in one's mind.
308
00:11:41,926 --> 00:11:44,500
- Cologne evacuated by British troops,
309
00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:46,931
Shakespeare Memorial
Theater, Stratford upon Avon
310
00:11:46,931 --> 00:11:48,034
burned down.
311
00:11:48,034 --> 00:11:49,050
- Is that all?
312
00:11:49,050 --> 00:11:50,361
- That's all, yeah.
313
00:11:50,361 --> 00:11:51,761
- Quite a year, wasn't it.
314
00:11:51,761 --> 00:11:52,951
(audience laughs)
315
00:11:52,951 --> 00:11:56,134
- Nothing about the general strike?
316
00:11:56,134 --> 00:12:00,039
We all had to give a hand, you
know, I drove an ambulance.
317
00:12:00,039 --> 00:12:01,790
- You didn't by any chance
pick up Mrs. Slocombe's mother
318
00:12:01,790 --> 00:12:03,746
and take her to a maternity home, did you?
319
00:12:03,746 --> 00:12:05,182
(audience laughs)
320
00:12:05,182 --> 00:12:07,777
- I hope I'm not interrupting
a private discussion.
321
00:12:07,777 --> 00:12:11,048
- No, no, no, we were
just discussing memory
322
00:12:11,048 --> 00:12:13,148
and seeing how far back we could go.
323
00:12:13,148 --> 00:12:14,809
- From our earliest years.
324
00:12:14,809 --> 00:12:17,511
- As Mr. Grainger here well remembers,
325
00:12:17,511 --> 00:12:20,027
Ibn Saud proclaimed King
of the Hejaz in Yadar.
326
00:12:20,027 --> 00:12:21,198
- Does he really?
327
00:12:21,198 --> 00:12:23,000
(audience laughs)
328
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:26,728
- Oh, yeah, there was
dancing in the street.
329
00:12:26,728 --> 00:12:29,300
- Does that ring a bell
with you, Mrs. Slocombe?
330
00:12:29,300 --> 00:12:32,151
- I don't even know what
you're talking about.
331
00:12:32,151 --> 00:12:34,881
- Does the British army
ceasing to use cologne
332
00:12:34,881 --> 00:12:36,967
mean anything to you?
333
00:12:36,967 --> 00:12:39,762
- Didn't know they'd even started.
334
00:12:39,762 --> 00:12:42,161
(audience laughs)
335
00:12:42,161 --> 00:12:44,387
- What's your earliest
memory, Mrs. Slocombe?
336
00:12:44,387 --> 00:12:47,728
- I remember as if it was yesterday.
337
00:12:47,728 --> 00:12:50,351
I had this uncle with a big red face
338
00:12:50,351 --> 00:12:53,207
and a great big mustache. (laughs)
339
00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:55,760
He put his face right into me cot
340
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:57,720
and he went (babbles)
341
00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,367
(audience laughs)
342
00:12:59,367 --> 00:13:01,676
- Now I don't suppose
that was in the diary.
343
00:13:01,676 --> 00:13:04,314
- And then another time I
remember waking up in me cot
344
00:13:04,314 --> 00:13:07,137
and the place was filled with smoke.
345
00:13:07,137 --> 00:13:08,187
- Stratford?
346
00:13:08,187 --> 00:13:10,003
- No, Malcolm.
347
00:13:10,003 --> 00:13:11,491
(audience laughs)
348
00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:12,858
- I don't suppose she'd see it from there.
349
00:13:12,858 --> 00:13:14,361
(audience laughs)
350
00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:17,528
(cash register rings)
351
00:13:19,242 --> 00:13:21,011
- There you are, madame, and
do bring the garment back
352
00:13:21,011 --> 00:13:24,547
if you find that your
daughter can't get in to a 48.
353
00:13:24,547 --> 00:13:27,346
(audience laughs)
354
00:13:27,346 --> 00:13:30,708
Now then, well, I haven't
had a chance to ask you.
355
00:13:30,708 --> 00:13:33,210
How did it get on, did you drop the hint?
356
00:13:33,210 --> 00:13:34,591
- Oh yes.
357
00:13:34,591 --> 00:13:36,308
- Ooh, how did you manage it?
358
00:13:36,308 --> 00:13:40,191
I mean, subtly introduce
it into the conversation?
359
00:13:40,191 --> 00:13:42,240
- I said it was your birthday.
360
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,305
(audience laughs)
361
00:13:44,305 --> 00:13:47,560
- Mind you, they shouldn't
think of buying me anything.
362
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,151
- Oh, they weren't.
363
00:13:49,151 --> 00:13:50,747
(audience laughs)
364
00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:52,548
- They weren't?
365
00:13:52,548 --> 00:13:54,247
- No, they weren't, they
were discussing how much
366
00:13:54,247 --> 00:13:55,610
to divvy up.
367
00:13:55,610 --> 00:13:58,148
- Well, any little thing will do,
368
00:13:58,148 --> 00:14:01,524
I mean, it's the thought
that counts, just a token.
369
00:14:01,524 --> 00:14:05,498
Now those simulated foxes
are rather nice, aren't they,
370
00:14:05,498 --> 00:14:08,317
and they're ever so
reasonable at 18 pounds.
371
00:14:08,317 --> 00:14:10,258
- I don't think we can manage that.
372
00:14:10,258 --> 00:14:13,250
- Well, of course, I
could make a reduction.
373
00:14:13,250 --> 00:14:16,437
And then offer staff discount.
374
00:14:16,437 --> 00:14:20,368
Come to think of it, it's
rather shop soiled, isn't it?
375
00:14:20,368 --> 00:14:21,243
(audience laughs)
376
00:14:21,243 --> 00:14:23,960
So that's a further
reduction, how 'bout 11 quid?
377
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:25,960
- You're getting warmer.
378
00:14:26,896 --> 00:14:30,054
- Oh, look, there's a
little hole in the lining.
379
00:14:30,054 --> 00:14:33,619
Well, of course, that makes it seconds.
380
00:14:33,619 --> 00:14:36,877
- Would that bring it
anywhere near six pounds?
381
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:38,032
- Exactly.
382
00:14:38,032 --> 00:14:40,885
(audience laughs)
383
00:14:40,885 --> 00:14:45,052
I'll just mark the tickets,
six pounds, slightly soiled.
384
00:14:48,618 --> 00:14:51,201
- Oh, that looks lovely, may I?
385
00:14:54,606 --> 00:14:56,606
Six pounds, did you say?
386
00:14:58,017 --> 00:14:59,622
I'll take it.
387
00:14:59,622 --> 00:15:01,131
(audience laughs)
388
00:15:01,131 --> 00:15:03,456
- Sale, Mrs. Slocombe?
389
00:15:03,456 --> 00:15:05,956
- I'm afraid so, Miss Brahams.
390
00:15:06,926 --> 00:15:10,351
- Are you free, Captain Peacock?
391
00:15:10,351 --> 00:15:12,934
- At the moment Mr. Lucas, yes.
392
00:15:13,922 --> 00:15:15,991
(audience laughs)
393
00:15:15,991 --> 00:15:17,840
I've just come from the pet department.
394
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:20,174
They've checked the pussy
book, and Mrs. Slocombe
395
00:15:20,174 --> 00:15:22,522
definitely bought a new one in 1969.
396
00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:23,693
(audience laughs)
397
00:15:23,693 --> 00:15:25,340
That means that she's 50.
398
00:15:25,340 --> 00:15:26,740
- And her pussy's 56.
399
00:15:26,740 --> 00:15:28,761
(audience laughs)
400
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:31,342
- Don't complicate things, Mr. Humphries.
401
00:15:31,342 --> 00:15:33,493
- Hey, wait, a minute, look,
there's Harmon over there.
402
00:15:33,493 --> 00:15:35,550
If he chips in, that'll
take 16 and a half percent
403
00:15:35,550 --> 00:15:36,433
off the ante.
404
00:15:36,433 --> 00:15:38,570
- You're very good at figures
when it comes to being mean.
405
00:15:38,570 --> 00:15:40,512
(audience laughs)
406
00:15:40,512 --> 00:15:44,271
- Excellent idea, Mr. Lucas,
Mr Harmon, one moment please?
407
00:15:44,271 --> 00:15:47,097
- Yes, sir, Captain Peacock.
408
00:15:47,097 --> 00:15:51,260
- Mr. Harmon, it's Mrs.
Slocombe 50th birthday
409
00:15:51,260 --> 00:15:55,557
and we're all putting in
a pound, what do you say?
410
00:15:55,557 --> 00:15:58,362
- I'm not allowed on the
floor during working hours.
411
00:15:58,362 --> 00:16:02,029
(audience laughs and claps)
412
00:16:06,113 --> 00:16:08,073
- I suppose Mrs. Slocombe
wouldn't care to put a pound in.
413
00:16:08,073 --> 00:16:09,860
(audience laughs)
414
00:16:09,860 --> 00:16:11,942
- At least the cake won't cost anything.
415
00:16:11,942 --> 00:16:12,819
- Why, why not?
416
00:16:12,819 --> 00:16:14,989
- Well, I've got this lovely
tall friend in the patisserie.
417
00:16:14,989 --> 00:16:16,510
(audience laughs)
418
00:16:16,510 --> 00:16:17,419
- Trust you.
419
00:16:17,419 --> 00:16:20,166
- She's a very nice girl, she
likes doing different things
420
00:16:20,166 --> 00:16:22,133
with cakes, you know, so I've given her
421
00:16:22,133 --> 00:16:23,823
a lot of Mrs. Slocombe's background
422
00:16:23,823 --> 00:16:27,953
and she's going to do something
exotic with 50 candles.
423
00:16:27,953 --> 00:16:31,210
- Excellent, and we'll all give it to her
424
00:16:31,210 --> 00:16:33,082
when the store closes on her birthday.
425
00:16:33,082 --> 00:16:34,920
(audience laughs)
426
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:36,265
- What are we gonna do with the six quid?
427
00:16:36,265 --> 00:16:38,443
- Not even sure we've got six quid.
428
00:16:38,443 --> 00:16:40,380
I mean, if old Rumbold
does a Harmon on us ...
429
00:16:40,380 --> 00:16:42,821
- Yes, well, um, seems a
bit slack at the moment,
430
00:16:42,821 --> 00:16:45,904
let's go into his office and ask him.
431
00:16:46,909 --> 00:16:48,570
- A pound, even allowing for inflation,
432
00:16:48,570 --> 00:16:50,119
seems rather a lot.
433
00:16:50,119 --> 00:16:52,560
- Well, Mr. Grainger did have
a less expensive suggestion
434
00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:54,815
but after general
suggestion, we decided to err
435
00:16:54,815 --> 00:16:56,149
on the side of generosity.
436
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:57,160
(audience laughs)
437
00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:58,039
- Oh, very well.
438
00:16:58,039 --> 00:16:59,411
- Thank you sir.
439
00:16:59,411 --> 00:17:00,862
I wondered if on this special occasion
440
00:17:00,862 --> 00:17:03,112
young Mr. Grace would care
to make a contribution?
441
00:17:03,112 --> 00:17:05,779
- Oh, we can certainly find out.
442
00:17:07,144 --> 00:17:10,032
(phone rings)
443
00:17:10,032 --> 00:17:11,470
- Mr. Grace here.
444
00:17:11,470 --> 00:17:13,584
(audience laughs)
445
00:17:13,584 --> 00:17:15,084
You're very faint.
446
00:17:16,426 --> 00:17:18,852
You have to speak up a bit.
447
00:17:18,852 --> 00:17:21,213
- You're very faint,
you'll have to speak up.
448
00:17:21,213 --> 00:17:22,091
(audience laughs)
449
00:17:22,091 --> 00:17:22,964
- I said it first.
450
00:17:22,964 --> 00:17:26,592
(audience laughs)
451
00:17:26,592 --> 00:17:29,245
- Perhaps you've got the phone
round the wrong way again,
452
00:17:29,245 --> 00:17:30,122
sir?
453
00:17:30,122 --> 00:17:30,955
- Have I?
454
00:17:34,444 --> 00:17:36,084
(audience laughs)
455
00:17:36,084 --> 00:17:37,334
Is that better?
456
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,846
- I think it's as good
as we're going to get.
457
00:17:40,846 --> 00:17:42,181
- 'Scuse me sir.
458
00:17:42,181 --> 00:17:43,684
- Not now, I'm on the phone.
459
00:17:43,684 --> 00:17:44,601
- Allow me.
460
00:17:47,081 --> 00:17:48,077
- Oh, thank you.
461
00:17:48,077 --> 00:17:50,614
- We're making secret
arrangements for Mrs. Slocombe's
462
00:17:50,614 --> 00:17:51,925
birthday.
463
00:17:51,925 --> 00:17:54,163
- No need to shout.
464
00:17:54,163 --> 00:17:55,952
(audience laughs)
465
00:17:55,952 --> 00:17:58,383
- Would you care to make
a contribution, sir?
466
00:17:58,383 --> 00:18:01,883
- Well, yes, put me down for half a crown.
467
00:18:03,251 --> 00:18:04,894
How old is she?
468
00:18:04,894 --> 00:18:07,940
- No, it's not half crowns
now, sir, we've gone metric.
469
00:18:07,940 --> 00:18:11,179
It's new pence, of
which the pound has 100.
470
00:18:11,179 --> 00:18:12,332
- What was that?
471
00:18:12,332 --> 00:18:13,165
- 100.
472
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,551
- Ooh, she should be retired.
473
00:18:16,551 --> 00:18:19,351
(audience laughs)
474
00:18:19,351 --> 00:18:20,924
Since she's stayed such a long time,
475
00:18:20,924 --> 00:18:23,290
I'll make it five crowns.
476
00:18:23,290 --> 00:18:25,651
(audience laughs)
477
00:18:25,651 --> 00:18:27,210
- Young Mr. Grace has generously agreed
478
00:18:27,210 --> 00:18:29,291
to contribute 25 pence.
479
00:18:29,291 --> 00:18:32,231
(Lucas claps)
480
00:18:32,231 --> 00:18:34,280
(audience laughs)
481
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,609
- How much have we got altogether?
482
00:18:35,609 --> 00:18:37,526
- Six pounds, 25 pence.
483
00:18:38,708 --> 00:18:40,348
- Have you decided what to give her?
484
00:18:40,348 --> 00:18:41,485
- No, before making that decision,
485
00:18:41,485 --> 00:18:44,513
we decided to await the
result of young Mr. Grace's
486
00:18:44,513 --> 00:18:45,542
contribution, sir.
487
00:18:45,542 --> 00:18:47,402
- It hasn't made a lot of difference.
488
00:18:47,402 --> 00:18:50,114
(audience laughs)
489
00:18:50,114 --> 00:18:52,354
- I could probably manage
15 cut price vouchers
490
00:18:52,354 --> 00:18:54,015
for a canteen lunch.
491
00:18:54,015 --> 00:18:56,324
- Rather along the lines you
were thinking of, Mr. Grainger.
492
00:18:56,324 --> 00:18:59,339
(audience laughs)
493
00:18:59,339 --> 00:19:02,835
- Don't you think that's
a little impersonal?
494
00:19:02,835 --> 00:19:04,534
- How about a voucher
for the pet department,
495
00:19:04,534 --> 00:19:07,212
to give her a new pussy
when hers wears out?
496
00:19:07,212 --> 00:19:08,822
(audience laughs)
497
00:19:08,822 --> 00:19:11,641
- How about a voucher from
Madame Bell's beauty parlor
498
00:19:11,641 --> 00:19:14,002
for her special spring facial?
499
00:19:14,002 --> 00:19:16,902
- No, not for Mrs.
Slocombe, for six pounds 25,
500
00:19:16,902 --> 00:19:19,023
you wouldn't get enough
cement to fill the cracks.
501
00:19:19,023 --> 00:19:20,913
(audience laughs)
502
00:19:20,913 --> 00:19:21,982
- Yes, there's one good thing sir,
503
00:19:21,982 --> 00:19:24,605
we've got a very nice cake.
504
00:19:24,605 --> 00:19:25,932
- Yeah, yeah, friend of
Mr. Humphries is making it
505
00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:27,895
in the patisserie.
506
00:19:27,895 --> 00:19:29,752
- I'm sure he'll do it very well.
507
00:19:29,752 --> 00:19:31,101
- I like to make it quite clear
508
00:19:31,101 --> 00:19:32,501
that being of an affectionate nature,
509
00:19:32,501 --> 00:19:36,664
I have many friends of all
shapes, sizes, and sexes.
510
00:19:36,664 --> 00:19:38,461
(audience laughs)
511
00:19:38,461 --> 00:19:40,411
Even this morning I had
some amorous advances
512
00:19:40,411 --> 00:19:43,224
from a rag and bowman's
horse, which I repulsed.
513
00:19:43,224 --> 00:19:45,451
(audience laughs)
514
00:19:45,451 --> 00:19:47,303
- I'm sure you've made it
quite clear where you stand,
515
00:19:47,303 --> 00:19:49,109
Mr. Humphries.
516
00:19:49,109 --> 00:19:50,454
- What sex was the horse?
517
00:19:50,454 --> 00:19:52,064
(audience laughs)
518
00:19:52,064 --> 00:19:54,182
- When you've got hooves
trampling on the cobbles
519
00:19:54,182 --> 00:19:56,142
behind you, you don't
stop to ask questions.
520
00:19:56,142 --> 00:19:58,412
(audience laughs)
521
00:19:58,412 --> 00:19:59,941
- Well, the actual gift I leave to you,
522
00:19:59,941 --> 00:20:01,215
but I do think it's time we did something
523
00:20:01,215 --> 00:20:03,334
about the way we present the cake.
524
00:20:03,334 --> 00:20:06,605
- Ah, it's going to be served
on a solid silver plated salvo
525
00:20:06,605 --> 00:20:10,441
- I mean the way we sing
Happy Birthday to You.
526
00:20:10,441 --> 00:20:13,101
We do tend to rush through it.
527
00:20:13,101 --> 00:20:16,321
I think as it's her half century,
528
00:20:16,321 --> 00:20:18,524
we ought to make it really good.
529
00:20:18,524 --> 00:20:21,655
- There was a transport strike
on, sir, when we sang it
530
00:20:21,655 --> 00:20:23,774
to you and we were in rather a hurry.
531
00:20:23,774 --> 00:20:27,591
- The only person to get right
through it was Mr. Grainger.
532
00:20:27,591 --> 00:20:31,860
- Yes, yes, I remember, my
scarf had caught in the till.
533
00:20:31,860 --> 00:20:33,751
(audience laughs)
534
00:20:33,751 --> 00:20:36,392
- Well, anyhow, let's try
specially hard for Mrs. Slocombe.
535
00:20:36,392 --> 00:20:40,032
We'll have a little rehearsal
when the store closes, mmm?
536
00:20:40,032 --> 00:20:43,650
(cash register rings)
537
00:20:43,650 --> 00:20:46,542
(organ plays single note)
538
00:20:46,542 --> 00:20:48,675
Here's your note, Mr. Humphries, A flat.
539
00:20:48,675 --> 00:20:49,762
- You'll have to hang on a
minute, I'm phoning me mother
540
00:20:49,762 --> 00:20:50,971
to tell her I shall be late.
541
00:20:50,971 --> 00:20:52,791
(audience laughs)
542
00:20:52,791 --> 00:20:54,821
Hello, dear, well, yes,
look, you have yours
543
00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:58,162
and leave mine in the
oven, well, I don't know
544
00:20:58,162 --> 00:21:02,331
what time I shall be there,
we're having a sort of rehearsal
545
00:21:02,331 --> 00:21:04,392
It's like a choir.
546
00:21:04,392 --> 00:21:06,072
No, it's nothing to do with the vicar,
547
00:21:06,072 --> 00:21:08,643
that was all in the past.
548
00:21:08,643 --> 00:21:10,711
(audience laughs)
549
00:21:10,711 --> 00:21:13,231
Of course I've got the right key.
550
00:21:13,231 --> 00:21:14,822
Trouble is I keep going in the wrong flat.
551
00:21:14,822 --> 00:21:16,889
(audience laughs)
552
00:21:16,889 --> 00:21:18,971
No it isn't the story of my life.
553
00:21:18,971 --> 00:21:21,752
All the stairs in that block look alike.
554
00:21:21,752 --> 00:21:25,010
Yes, well, you better go or
your greens will need straining.
555
00:21:25,010 --> 00:21:26,970
(audience laughs)
556
00:21:26,970 --> 00:21:29,102
I wish she'd get married again.
557
00:21:29,102 --> 00:21:32,042
- Now before we start, what is her name?
558
00:21:32,042 --> 00:21:33,302
- Mrs. Slocombe.
559
00:21:33,302 --> 00:21:34,754
(audience laughs)
560
00:21:34,754 --> 00:21:37,642
- Yes, I meant her first name.
561
00:21:37,642 --> 00:21:38,641
Well, surely somebody must know,
562
00:21:38,641 --> 00:21:40,391
you, Miss Brahams, you must have heard it?
563
00:21:40,391 --> 00:21:42,873
- Well, she calls me Shirley,
but I always call her
564
00:21:42,873 --> 00:21:45,991
Mrs. Slocombe, even her
best friend, Mrs. Axelby,
565
00:21:45,991 --> 00:21:48,529
always calls her Mrs. Slocombe.
566
00:21:48,529 --> 00:21:51,731
- She's a very private person.
567
00:21:51,731 --> 00:21:52,604
- You can say that
again, I don't even know
568
00:21:52,604 --> 00:21:54,302
what she calls her cat.
569
00:21:54,302 --> 00:21:55,632
(audience laughs)
570
00:21:55,632 --> 00:21:57,592
- On the billhead, she
signs the initial E.
571
00:21:57,592 --> 00:21:59,044
- Oh, well, that's easy then, isn't it.
572
00:21:59,044 --> 00:22:01,004
♫ Happy birthday, E. Slocombe
573
00:22:01,004 --> 00:22:02,613
♫ Happy birthday to you
574
00:22:02,613 --> 00:22:03,491
(audience laughs)
575
00:22:03,491 --> 00:22:05,400
- Well, before the presentation,
we shall have to find out,
576
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,004
for the moment, we'll just hum it.
577
00:22:08,004 --> 00:22:10,071
Now, these are the notes
that Captain Peacock
578
00:22:10,071 --> 00:22:11,404
will be singing.
579
00:22:12,498 --> 00:22:15,143
♫ Happy birthday to you
580
00:22:15,143 --> 00:22:17,542
♫ Happy birthday to you
581
00:22:17,542 --> 00:22:21,292
♫ Happy birthday dear uh, uh
582
00:22:22,811 --> 00:22:26,144
♫ Happy birthday to you
583
00:22:27,431 --> 00:22:28,882
- From now on I shall always
think of Mrs. Slocombe
584
00:22:28,882 --> 00:22:30,861
as dear uh uh.
585
00:22:30,861 --> 00:22:33,292
(audience laughs)
586
00:22:33,292 --> 00:22:36,881
- But I fancy her name is Eleanor, now,
587
00:22:36,881 --> 00:22:38,001
that's three syllables.
588
00:22:38,001 --> 00:22:39,257
- Yes, good point, Peacock, well,
589
00:22:39,257 --> 00:22:40,889
in that case, we sing
590
00:22:40,889 --> 00:22:43,914
♫ Happy birthday dear uh uh uh
591
00:22:43,914 --> 00:22:46,747
(audience laughs)
592
00:22:47,789 --> 00:22:51,706
- I think uh uh uh suits
her better than uh uh.
593
00:22:52,623 --> 00:22:55,702
- I believe her name is Esmeralda.
594
00:22:55,702 --> 00:22:57,279
(audience laughs)
595
00:22:57,279 --> 00:22:59,383
- Four syllables, Mr. Rumbold.
596
00:22:59,383 --> 00:23:00,690
- Yes, well, let's see how that fits in.
597
00:23:00,690 --> 00:23:04,659
♫ Happy birthday dear uh uh uh uh
598
00:23:04,659 --> 00:23:05,659
(audience laughs)
599
00:23:05,659 --> 00:23:07,112
- Sounds like a bad attack of indigestion.
600
00:23:07,112 --> 00:23:08,706
(audience laughs)
601
00:23:08,706 --> 00:23:12,675
- What are we going to sing
now, uh, uh uh, uh uh uh
602
00:23:12,675 --> 00:23:14,518
or uh uh uh uh?
603
00:23:14,518 --> 00:23:15,390
(audience laughs)
604
00:23:15,390 --> 00:23:16,525
- Uh ...
605
00:23:16,525 --> 00:23:17,560
- I'll settle for that.
606
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:19,306
(audience laughs)
607
00:23:19,306 --> 00:23:21,238
- No, we'll have two uh's.
608
00:23:21,238 --> 00:23:24,238
- I entirely agree, two uh is human.
609
00:23:26,082 --> 00:23:28,915
(audience laughs)
610
00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:33,570
- Well, the melody from
Mr. Grainger, Miss Brahams,
611
00:23:33,570 --> 00:23:35,491
and myself, is quite straightforward.
612
00:23:35,491 --> 00:23:39,134
Ah, Mr. Humphries and Mr.
Lucas, here is your descant.
613
00:23:39,134 --> 00:23:42,223
♫ (High Pitched) Happy birthday to you
614
00:23:42,223 --> 00:23:44,323
♫ Happy birthday to you
615
00:23:44,323 --> 00:23:47,990
♫ Happy birthday dear uh uh
616
00:23:50,223 --> 00:23:53,942
♫ Happy birthday to you
617
00:23:53,942 --> 00:23:56,242
(audience laughs)
618
00:23:56,242 --> 00:23:58,362
- Do you mind if I have
a word with my friend?
619
00:23:58,362 --> 00:24:01,195
(audience laughs)
620
00:24:11,754 --> 00:24:15,485
- We don't think we can get the top uh.
621
00:24:15,485 --> 00:24:17,961
- You don't know what
you can do until you try.
622
00:24:17,961 --> 00:24:18,794
- True.
623
00:24:20,711 --> 00:24:25,073
- Well, now, just Mr.
Humphries and Mr. Lucas, ready?
624
00:24:25,073 --> 00:24:26,603
One, two.
625
00:24:26,603 --> 00:24:29,147
♫ (Off key) Happy birthday to you
626
00:24:29,147 --> 00:24:31,735
♫ Happy birthday to you
627
00:24:31,735 --> 00:24:35,402
♫ Happy birthday dear uh uh
628
00:24:37,635 --> 00:24:41,014
♫ Happy birthday to you
629
00:24:41,014 --> 00:24:44,681
(audience laughs and claps)
630
00:24:50,133 --> 00:24:51,192
- There you are.
631
00:24:51,192 --> 00:24:54,679
- All right for you, my
braces have gone again.
632
00:24:54,679 --> 00:24:57,180
- Well, let's try it all together, eh?
633
00:24:57,180 --> 00:24:59,616
Now this time I want you
all to put more emphasis
634
00:24:59,616 --> 00:25:02,453
on the you, make it more personal.
635
00:25:02,453 --> 00:25:06,699
Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you,
636
00:25:06,699 --> 00:25:10,866
happy birthday, dear uh
uh, then the grand finale,
637
00:25:12,043 --> 00:25:14,633
happy birthday to you.
638
00:25:14,633 --> 00:25:17,923
(audience laughs)
639
00:25:17,923 --> 00:25:21,698
- One gets the feeling
you've done this before.
640
00:25:21,698 --> 00:25:24,974
- I was a founder member of
Derry and Tom's glee club.
641
00:25:24,974 --> 00:25:26,267
- No wonder they went out of business.
642
00:25:26,267 --> 00:25:28,540
(audience laughs)
643
00:25:28,540 --> 00:25:30,591
- Well, if you lot are gonna
wander down memory lane,
644
00:25:30,591 --> 00:25:32,603
I'm gonna wander down and get me bus.
645
00:25:32,603 --> 00:25:34,933
- No, no, no, Miss Brahams,
come along, everybody,
646
00:25:34,933 --> 00:25:37,683
all together, from the beginning.
647
00:25:38,797 --> 00:25:40,072
One, two.
648
00:25:40,072 --> 00:25:43,361
♫ (Off key) Happy birthday to you
649
00:25:43,361 --> 00:25:46,231
♫ Happy birthday to you
650
00:25:46,231 --> 00:25:49,898
♫ Happy birthday dear uh uh
651
00:25:52,153 --> 00:25:55,486
♫ Happy birthday to you
652
00:25:57,473 --> 00:26:01,140
(audience laughs and claps)
653
00:26:01,984 --> 00:26:04,817
- I like it, I like it, I like it.
654
00:26:07,054 --> 00:26:09,490
- Oh, it's nearly going home time, ooh,
655
00:26:09,490 --> 00:26:11,184
I'm getting quite excited.
656
00:26:11,184 --> 00:26:12,663
- You going somewhere special?
657
00:26:12,663 --> 00:26:14,861
- Well, me and Mrs. Axelby
are just going to have
658
00:26:14,861 --> 00:26:16,695
a quiet dinner at that little restaurant
659
00:26:16,695 --> 00:26:18,571
next to the Damsel, you know,
660
00:26:18,571 --> 00:26:21,070
opposite the American Forces club.
661
00:26:21,070 --> 00:26:22,892
- Oh, is that what you
brought your dancing shoes
662
00:26:22,892 --> 00:26:24,134
with you for?
663
00:26:24,134 --> 00:26:25,062
(bell rings)
664
00:26:25,062 --> 00:26:28,021
- That's it, come along.
- Ooh!
665
00:26:28,021 --> 00:26:28,945
- Where's the cake?
666
00:26:28,945 --> 00:26:30,905
- Don't worry, my friend's
delivered it to the basement,
667
00:26:30,905 --> 00:26:32,581
Mr. Harmon's going to bring it up.
668
00:26:32,581 --> 00:26:33,458
- The other present?
669
00:26:33,458 --> 00:26:34,291
- It's here.
670
00:26:34,291 --> 00:26:36,794
- And what about her name,
for the happy birthday to you?
671
00:26:36,794 --> 00:26:38,570
- Hang on, look, Shirley
wrote it out for us,
672
00:26:38,570 --> 00:26:39,875
there you are, one each.
673
00:26:39,875 --> 00:26:40,875
- Thank you.
674
00:26:41,842 --> 00:26:43,587
- Look out, she's pretending to go home.
675
00:26:43,587 --> 00:26:46,385
- Oh, well, I must be off.
676
00:26:46,385 --> 00:26:47,810
(audience laughs)
677
00:26:47,810 --> 00:26:49,218
- Just one moment, Mrs. Slocombe?
678
00:26:49,218 --> 00:26:50,708
- Who, me?
679
00:26:50,708 --> 00:26:53,597
(audience laughs)
680
00:26:53,597 --> 00:26:55,364
- We couldn't let today
pass without making
681
00:26:55,364 --> 00:26:56,496
a little gesture.
682
00:26:56,496 --> 00:26:59,329
(audience laughs)
683
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:05,030
- Don't tell me you've
remembered me birthday.
684
00:27:05,030 --> 00:27:06,327
- How could we forget?
685
00:27:06,327 --> 00:27:08,232
- Or be allowed to.
686
00:27:08,232 --> 00:27:09,720
(audience laughs)
687
00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:13,780
- Psst, ready when you
are with the C-A-K-E.
688
00:27:13,780 --> 00:27:15,547
(audience laughs)
689
00:27:15,547 --> 00:27:20,304
- Thank you, Mr. Harmon,
Mr. Humphries, the present?
690
00:27:20,304 --> 00:27:22,919
- Oh, yeah, here we are, sir?
691
00:27:22,919 --> 00:27:25,214
- Mrs. Slocombe, dear Mrs. Slocombe.
692
00:27:25,214 --> 00:27:26,091
- Dear.
693
00:27:26,091 --> 00:27:27,839
(audience laughs)
694
00:27:27,839 --> 00:27:30,324
- On behalf of your
colleagues and senior staff
695
00:27:30,324 --> 00:27:32,214
and young Mr. Grace ...
696
00:27:32,214 --> 00:27:33,141
- 5%.
697
00:27:33,141 --> 00:27:35,564
(audience laughs)
698
00:27:35,564 --> 00:27:37,743
- We have much pleasure
in presenting to you
699
00:27:37,743 --> 00:27:39,895
this birthday gift.
700
00:27:39,895 --> 00:27:43,092
- Oh, you shouldn't have
bothered, can I open it now?
701
00:27:43,092 --> 00:27:44,092
- Naturally.
702
00:27:46,089 --> 00:27:48,509
- Oh, it's just what I've always wanted.
703
00:27:48,509 --> 00:27:49,564
- Lovely, isn't it?
704
00:27:49,564 --> 00:27:51,100
- Come on, let's have a look at it, eh?
705
00:27:51,100 --> 00:27:52,828
Oh, look at that, worth every penny.
706
00:27:52,828 --> 00:27:57,278
- Oh, you know, Mrs.
Grainger's always wanted one.
707
00:27:57,278 --> 00:27:59,523
- Well, I've had one of these for years,
708
00:27:59,523 --> 00:28:00,690
I wouldn't be without it.
709
00:28:00,690 --> 00:28:02,080
(audience laughs)
710
00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:05,514
- I wish I'd had one in the desert.
711
00:28:05,514 --> 00:28:08,878
- I've never actually seen one before.
712
00:28:08,878 --> 00:28:10,837
- We're not going to tell you
what it is, it's a secret.
713
00:28:10,837 --> 00:28:13,197
(audience laughs)
714
00:28:13,197 --> 00:28:15,717
- Right, come on everybody, all together.
715
00:28:15,717 --> 00:28:18,120
- Ooh, what's happening now?
716
00:28:18,120 --> 00:28:20,095
(organ music)
717
00:28:20,095 --> 00:28:21,409
- One, two.
718
00:28:21,409 --> 00:28:23,955
♫ Happy birthday to you
719
00:28:23,955 --> 00:28:26,962
♫ Happy birthday to you
720
00:28:26,962 --> 00:28:29,800
♫ Happy birthday dear
721
00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:33,001
(audience laughs)
722
00:28:33,001 --> 00:28:37,168
♫ Mary Elizabeth Jennifer
Rachel Abigail Betty Slocombe
723
00:28:39,264 --> 00:28:42,597
♫ Happy birthday to you
724
00:28:49,249 --> 00:28:52,910
- Hey oh, here you are, she says she hopes
725
00:28:52,910 --> 00:28:55,098
it's appropriate to the
background of the person
726
00:28:55,098 --> 00:28:57,268
what Mr. Humphries described.
727
00:28:57,268 --> 00:29:00,101
(audience laughs)
728
00:29:05,286 --> 00:29:07,203
- 50, 50, I am only 46.
729
00:29:10,165 --> 00:29:13,004
(audience laughs)
730
00:29:13,004 --> 00:29:16,171
(cash register rings)
731
00:29:17,056 --> 00:29:19,703
(jazz music)
732
00:29:19,703 --> 00:29:22,453
(audience claps)
53462
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