Original subtitles

("Are You Being Served Theme")

♫ Ground floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits ♫

- Yes sir, this is genuine hard-wearing barathea.

- How much is it again?

- It's 120 pounds, sir.

Now, I know you may think that's expensive,

but let me point out one or two details.

There's the hand-stitched lapels.

The last two buttons on the cuffs are fully operational,

and you wouldn't get that on a cheap jacket,

would you, Mr. Lucas?

- No, you wouldn't, Mr. Humphries.

The buttons were just stitched on.

(audience laughing)

- How does the back look?

- Very snug at the back, sir.

For you have got such broad shoulders.

- How about a pine paisley scarf to go around the neck?

- How much is it?

- 14 pounds.

- Well, look. Oh, yes that does set off the neck,

doesn't it, Mr. Lucas?

- Oh yes, it does Mr. Humphries,

and the hand-stitching, and the buttons on the cuff.

- Thank you, Mr. Lucas.

(audience laughing)

- Well, this stick looks rather nice,

how much is that?

- That's our special offer, sir.

3 pounds 20, genuine wooden ash.

- I like it.

- Good morning, sir.

I'm sorry I wasn't here to attend to you myself.

I've just been to the cloak room.

May I say sir, how much that jacket suits you.

Oh, it's an exemplary fit.

Congratulations, Mr. Humphries.

- Thank you, Mr. Goldberg.

The gentleman's also taking the pine paisley scarf,

and the Ash walking stick.

- I should say the Ash walking stick

would be more suitable with a tweed jacket.

Now, this one, for example.

- Now, I do like that.

Will you hold this?

- You like it. There you are.

Try it on, sir.

Please.

Thank you.

There we are.

- This is a special offer, sir.

This is 140 pounds.

(audience laughing)

- You can buy the cotton wool to stuff in 'em

on the ground floor.

(audience laughing)

- Miss Brahms.

- Yes, Capt. Peacock.

Is there still no sign of Mrs. Slocombe?

- Well, she said that she might be late this morning

on account of she's shifting her flat.

You should've given her the day off like she asked.

She's gonna be in a right state when she gets here.

(elevator bell chimes)

- Good morning, Capt. Peacock.

I'm sorry I'm late.

(meowing)

Oh pussy do be a good girl.

(audience laughing)

Oh, the removal men have only just left.

(meowing)

I see you followed the van with your own cock linnet.

(audience laughing)

- I was lucky to get a van at all

with these lightning transport strikes.

- Mrs. Slocombe, there is a strict rule

that staff may not bring pets to the store.

- Well, you know how clumsy those removal men are,

I'm not having them handling my pussy.

(audience laughing)

And if you take my advice, you'll keep away yourself.

She's in a very disturbed state.

- I happen to be very good with animals.

- Hello little--

(cat screeching)

Oh!

(audience laughing)

- Well, I did warn you.

- It bit me.

- Well, she hasn't had her breakfast yet.

- I suggest you put your menagerie out of sight,

and keep it there.

- Oh, Miss Brahms would you take them into the fitting room.

- Don't be frightened little pussy,

it's only your Auntie Shirley.

(cat screeches)

Oh!

- Must've taken a weight off you mind

to have completed your removal.

- What do you mean completed?

All I've done is see the stuff on the van.

All they've got to do is dump it.

I'm the one that's got to sort it all out.

I should've had three days off for this.

- Believe me, I tried.

Mr. Rumbold wouldn't hear of it.

(phone ringing)

- Ladies intimate apparel.

I said, ladies intimate apparel.

All right, the knickers and knocker counter.

(audience laughing)

- Mrs. Slocombe, supervisor.

May I be of any assistance?

Mr. Armstrong?

Oh, it's the van driver.

I've got what?

I've got squatters in me new flat.

- Oh.

- I mean, they can't.

They can't squat on me.

I mean, they've got to squat on people

who live in council flats, and millionaires.

Well, what am I going to do with all me furniture?

That wasn't a very helpful suggestion.

(audience laughing)

No, I can't take it back to the old flat,

the other people will have of moved in now.

I know. Can we leave it on the van?

He's got another job at lunchtime.

Well, you'll just have to give me a minute to think.

Look, tell me your telephone number,

and then I can ring you back.

Right, I've got it.

What am I gonna do?!

Who am I going to squat on?!

(cash register tinging)

- Yes, well I've had a word with Mr. Grace,

and in view of your predicament he is prepared to help.

- And so I should hope.

If I'd had the day off,

I could've been in time and stopped this.

- Well, all you had to do was ask.

- I did.

Through Capt. Peacock.

- You remember I made the suggestion in the washroom, sir.

- Yes, well couldn't hear very well through the door.

Anyway, you should know by now that

I close my ears to suggestions in the washroom.

(audience laughing)

However, in view of the mix-up,

young Mr. Grace has agreed that you may

store your effects in department 5B

which is on the top floor.

It's vacant at the moment pending refurbishment.

- Oh, thank you, Mr. Rumbold.

I'm very grateful.

- Well, the contractors don't start work

for a couple of weeks,

so that should give you time to get yourself sorted out.

- Oh, that's very kind of you Mr. Rumbold.

- Well, although we're a large organization

we top executives do have hearts.

- Oh, yes I can see that.

Well, I must tell the van driver where to deliver.

May I use your phone?

- Certainly not, use the call box by the lift.

(audience laughing)

(cash register tinging)

- Oh, Mr. Lucas may I have that piece of chicken

you've left on your plate for my pussy?

- Certainly.

- Not with your fingers, Mr. Lucas.

She's very particular.

- Would your little companion like the head of my sardine?

- No thank you.

She has very few teeth left,

and her poor gums can't crunch the skulls.

(audience laughing)

- That's why Mr. Goldberg didn't eat it.

- How long is it going to take you

to get rid of these squatters?

- I don't know.

- Well, where are you going to sleep tonight?

- Well, I suppose I shall just have to go a hotel.

(groaning)

Unless of course, one of my friends offers me accommodation.

(audience laughing)

Well, of course, I'd help anybody out if they were stuck.

- I'd like to ask you to my place, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Oh, thank you, Capt. Peacock.

Isn't he a gent?

- Unfortunately, my wife is away visiting her sister.

So, we'd be alone in the house,

and there might be a lot of talk.

- From all accounts, that's all there would be.

(audience laughing)

- We have a spare room.

- Thank you, Mr. Goldberg.

- But unfortunately, last night the cold water tank

sprang a leak which brought down

the ceiling all over the bed taking with it

the wiring which electrified the springs.

- You never mentioned that this morning.

- It slipped my memory until this very minute.

(audience laughing)

- Unfortunately, we haven't got a spare bed,

but if you're really desperate Mrs. Slocombe,

you could always come and snuggle up with me.

- I don't think so, Mr. Lucas.

- If you're worried you couldn't control yourself,

I could always put a bolster down the middle.

(audience laughing)

- I don't think my being homeless

is a subject for joking.

- I quite agree Mrs. Slocombe.

- Oh, Mr. Humphries I knew that you'd be sympathetic.

- What a pity I've got those three

Pakistani nuns staying with me.

(audience laughing)

Not only have they got the spare room,

but they're on the sofa as well.

- You didn't mention that this morning, Mr. Humphries.

- No, I forgot it while you were

forgetting your ceiling.

(audience laughing)

- Which leaves you, Miss Brahms.

- Well, I don't think I ever mentioned it,

but my brother's a rugby player.

- You never even mentioned you had a brother.

(audience laughing)

- Well anyway, his team's got to set off

early tomorrow for a big match,

so they're staying the night at our place

to be ready for the bus.

You see, they usually go on the train,

but with all the sudden strikes

they didn't want to take the risk.

So anyway, that means we've got big,

hairy, beer-drinking men in every room.

- Well, I've got the answer to that.

Why don't you and Mrs. Slocombe go and have

Mr. Humphries bed, and he can have yours.

(audience laughing)

- I can just picture it,

brought down by a flying tackle

as I take my teddy to the bathroom.

(audience laughing)

- Excuse me, Mrs. Slocombe.

Your goods and chattel has just arrived,

and it's on the way up in the goods lift.

And men have been working right through their lunchtime,

so if you could see them right.

With money, I mean.

- Oh yes.

I'd better go and supervise.

- That's a terrible thing to have

happen at her time of life.

- I don't think you showed up very well as friends.

I rather feel that mine was the only genuine excuse.

- What are you talking about?!

We really have got 15 rugby players staying the night.

- Well, mine was nearly true.

I mean, they will be nuns by the time

we get to the fancy dress party.

(audience laughing)

- What are you going as?

- Well, I'm not sure.

I discussed it with them.

I might go as the Pope.

But I won't know for certain till

I get to the end of our road,

and see whether there's black or white

smoke coming out me chimney.

(audience laughing)

(cash register tinging)

- Thank you, madam.

If you want to change the garment,

just bring it back with the receipt.

- Oh, well thank you.

(elevator bell chimes)

- Mrs. Slocombe, you've been about two hours,

it really isn't good enough.

- Well, I had to sort me things out.

- Have you found anywhere to stay yet?

- No, but I've had a marvelous idea.

I'm going to stay in me flat.

- You haven't got a flat.

- Oh, yes I have.

There's lots of room on that floor.

So, instead of piling me things up,

I've set them all out just like they were at home.

There's everything up there water, gas, plugs.

It's self-contained.

- You mean you're gonna stay here in the store?

- Why not?

- Well, do you think they'll let you?

- I'm going to ask Mr. Grace, personally.

All you've got to do is flutter your eyelashes

and cross your legs, and he's like putty.

- Well, at his age he's like putty all the time.

(audience laughing)

Still, if you're going to try fluttering your eyelashes

you best have these Cleopatra extra long deluxe.

- What do you want?

- There's someone to see Mr. Grace.

- Well, you can't disturb him now.

I'm exhausted just trying to get him to sleep.

- But it's very important.

- Well, on your own head be it.

But wake him gently.

- Cooey, Mr. Grace.

- Where am I?

- Sorry to have to wake you.

- That's all right, I hope it's important.

I was in the middle of a very nice dream.

You look very good in a girl guides uniform.

- Oh, thank you Mr. Grace.

Mrs. Slocombe would like a word with you now.

- Oh very well.

Tell her I'll give her a few moments.

- Oh Mr. Grace will see you now, Mrs. Slocombe.

- It's very good of you to see me Mr. Grace

when you're so busy.

- Not at all, please sit down.

Well, what can I do for you?

(audience laughing)

You want a rise, I see.

- No, Mr. Grace you don't understand.

It's not that what I came for.

- Good, 'cause I wasn't gonna give you one.

(audience laughing)

- I want permission to sleep on your premises.

- You're very determined about his rise, aren't you?

Oh very well, you can bring one small bag,

and your nightie,

and you'll have to go very early

in the morning before the servants come.

(audience laughing)

- No, Mr. Grace you don't understand.

You see

(cash register tinging)

Come on then, pet.

There you are little sweetheart.

Isn't it nice to be back in your usual corner?

Oh pussy, it's lovely to be at home again.

- I wired you up to the juice,

and I connected a gas stove so you can boil a kettle.

- Oh, thank you, Mr. Harman.

Well, I seem to have everything, except a front door.

- Oh, hang about.

Warwick?!

- Hello!

- Give us a hand with that wall unit, will ya?

Let's have it over here.

Left over from Grace Brothers ideal home display.

Can you manage?

Or shall I fetch up Theobald to give you a hand?

You can manage, can you?

- Oh, isn't that lovely.

(knocking)

Now I've got somewhere to put me doormat.

(audience laughing)

- There's somewhere to put the cat out as well.

How many pints of milk do you want in the morning?

- Well, they don't deliver up here, do they?

- I'll fetch it up from the canteen for you.

- Oh, Mr. Harman that is good of you.

- I'll be off then.

- Well, I'll just see you out.

- Bye bye.

- Bye bye.

(doorbell chimes)

Yes?

- I forgot to plug in the phone.

- Can you do that?

- Oh yeah, yeah.

I can give you an outside line,

or an internal one. See?

It's a very nice place you've got here, isn't it?

- Oh, and it's ever so easy to run.

- Must be worth a bit, being detached.

(phone ringing)

- Whoever can that be?

I didn't give anybody my number.

- Mrs. Slocombe's residence.

Harman the butler here.

Yeah, it's Mr. Rumbold for you.

- Hello.

- Mrs. Slocombe, I am quite aware that young Mr. Grace

gave you a tea break so that you could

arrange your domestic affairs,

but I have called a staff meeting

here in my office.

If you could be here, I'd appreciate it.

- Certainly, Mr. Rumbold.

Oh, I'd better hurry.

He sounds right ratty.

- Are we all assembled?

- Except Mrs. Slocombe, who's been absent

for most of the day.

- Tell tale tit.

(audience laughing)

- I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

(audience laughing)

- Was it necessary to wear your hat

and coat to come down from the fifth floor?

- It's very chilly in the goods lift.

I hope this isn't going to take long,

I've left my front door on the latch.

- Yes, well I'm sorry to have to tell you,

but the train drivers are going out on strike.

And the bus drivers are probably going out in sympathy.

- Well, it's nice to know they've got sympathy for someone.

- Be that as it may, young Mr. Grace has agreed

to close the store early to enable you all

to get home before everything shuts down.

- Well, that's very generous of him, sir.

- May we thank him personally?

- I'm afraid he went home half an hour ago.

(audience laughing)

- Your taxi is here, Mr. Rumbold.

- Oh, thank you very much.

Well, good luck everybody.

- Mr. Rumbold, are you going my way?!

- I'm sure you'd be the first to know if he was.

(audience laughing)

- Let's hurry up before everything closes.

- And I've only got to go upstairs to my flat,

put the kettle on,

and have a nice cup of tea in front

of the fire with my pussy.

Isn't it lucky that none of my friends

had the problem of giving me accommodation?

(cash register tinging)

(singing)

Oh!

(audience laughing)

(doorbell chimes)

(audience laughing)

Who could it be at this time?

Who is it?

- It's me, Mr. Humphries.

- But I'm in my nightie.

- I can see that.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, just a minute then.

I'm sorry to be so long,

but you can't be too careful nowadays.

(audience laughing)

- Can I give you a hand?

- Come on in.

Wipe your feet.

- Thank you.

- You can hang you hat and coat up there.

- Oh, thank you very much.

- Now then, would you like to come into the parlor?

- Oh, I say.

- Well now, what brings you to these parts?

- Well, I got on the bus,

and we'd only gone about 200 yards

and the conductor became very sympathetic,

and said to us get off.

So I thought, well I'll just pop in,

and see Mrs. Slocombe before I start

my long, long, 15-mile, lonely walk home.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I suppose you could always use my spare room.

On the other hand, of course, there might be talk.

- I don't think so. Not in my case.

(audience laughing)

- Go on then. Put your feet up.

I'll make you a nice cup of tea.

- Oh, do you know that's just what I could do with.

- You're quite different, aren't you,

when you're at home to when you're in the store.

Behind your counter you look so stern.

Here at home you're all feminine.

(giggles)

(audience laughing)

- Well, I use less makeup at home.

- Well, one does.

(audience laughing)

Can I give you a hand?

- [Mrs. Slocombe] No, there's no need.

- Oh, I don't mind, I'd like to see your kitchen.

- [Mrs. Slocombe] Oh well, come on then.

- Oh what a lovely view.

- Yes.

I love the continent.

- It's very compact, isn't it?

- Well, there's only me

since Mr. Slocombe was taken.

- Was it very sudden?

- Oh, there was no warning at all.

The fraud squad came at eight o'clock in the morning.

(audience laughing)

Well, while the kettle's boiling,

I'll just show you to your room.

- Do you mind leading the way,

I've forgotten where the door is?

- This way.

That's the guest toilet,

only it's not connected up.

- Very cozy.

- Yes, I had a brush salesman staying here.

He used to spend hours in there planning his campaigns.

- It's got a history then.

- Well, this is your little room.

It has a half queen size bed.

- Better than no queen at all.

(audience laughing)

- Do you sleep as nature intended?

- Mrs. Slocombe, I've never done

anything as nature intended.

(audience laughing)

- No, I mean do you sleep in the altogether?

- Why do you ask?

- I've got some pajamas here.

- Oh, you've entertained a gentleman visitor before.

- These belonged to the brush salesman.

- I can see that by the bristles.

(audience laughing)

- That's the jacket.

(audience laughing)

- He was a very big man.

- On top, yes.

(audience laughing)

Funnily enough, he didn't have a right lot down below.

(audience laughing)

Now, here's your teasmade,

and there's a little telly in this cupboard.

Oh, I'll just switch your blanket on.

There, it'll take the chill off for you.

- Mrs. Slocombe, you certainly know

how to look after a person.

- Well, it's nice to have somebody to care for.

- You seem to enjoy it.

- I bet your mother does too.

- She says it's time I left home.

- Well, just for tonight, you have.

- Yes, and the way the buses are going

it might be a week.

- Oh, a whole week together.

Come to think of it, it might not be a bad thing.

- Do you know, I was clearing out our attic

at home the other day,

and I found this old calendar called The Week of Love.

It said, Monday for meeting,

Tuesday for talking,

Wednesday for wishing,

Thursday for touching,

Friday for some reason had been torn out.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Humphries, I want you to put

yourself completely in my hands.

- Mrs. Slocombe, if you're thinking what

I think you're thinking,

it's not going to be easy for me.

(audience laughing)

- Just pretend you're on a camping holiday with a friend.

- That wasn't the best suggestion you could make.

(audience laughing)

- Here we are.

- Oh, this is nice.

What a lovely bedspread.

Those bristles get everywhere.

- Now, just try that bed, it's ever so comfy.

- Oh yes, it's got a lot of life in it.

- There's a lot of life in me as well.

(audience laughing)

(doorbell chimes)

- Me mother!

(audience laughing)

- Don't worry.

Whoever it is, I'll get rid of 'em.

- Oh, it's all right I haven't read this one.

- Who is it?

- [Capt. Peacock] Capt. Peacock.

- Well, I'm in my night attire.

You'll have to a minute until I find me dressing gown.

- [Capt. Peacock] Is it a checked one?

- Yes.

- It's hanging on the hatstand.

(audience laughing)

I'm sorry to disturb you,

but the strike has hit the underground,

and all the buses have stopped.

- Aren't you afraid there might be talk?

- Well, as long as that's all there is.

- Oh, come in.

Wipe your feet.

- Well, I thought rather than prowl the streets

looking for a hotel, I'd borrow your sofa.

Oh, you've pipped me to the post.

- You're going to have the spare room.

It's down there.

- You're very hospitable, Mrs. Slocombe.

Oh, it looks rather cozy.

- Here, I thought you were going to give me the spare room?

- You've forgotten Mr. Humphries,

your accommodation has been taken care of.

- Yes, but Capt. Peacock might see.

- Not when the lights are out he won't.

(audience laughing)

- This'll do nicely.

I've had a sandwich, so you needn't bother about supper.

- I wasn't going to.

- Well, if it's all the same to you,

I'll turn in.

- Oh, well hurry up then.

The sooner the better.

Sleep well.

(doorbell chimes)

(knocking)

All right, I'm coming, I'm coming.

Who is it?

- It's me Lucas.

(audience laughing)

- Honestly, it's like running ruddy hotel.

Oh, come on in then.

Where have you gone?

(audience laughing)

(doorbell chimes)

- I'm here, where are you?

- [Mrs. Slocombe] I'm out here.

And hurry up, I'm in my night attire.

- I can't work the lock.

- [Mrs. Slocombe] You pull it up.

- Come in, wipe your feet.

(audience laughing)

- I know, you can't get home,

and you want to spend the night.

- Well, fate does seem to have

thrown us together, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Oh no it hasn't.

You can sleep in the spare room with Capt. Peacock.

(audience laughing)

- Oh that's all right, I'll sleep on the sofa.

On second thought, I'll sleep with Capt. Peacock.

(audience laughing)

Listen, I haven't eaten all day.

I suppose a bacon and egg is out of the question?

- How did you guess.

- I thought it might've been.

I'll just lie down and have a quiet rumble.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Humphries?

- Lucas.

- Thank heaven for that.

(audience laughing)

- Now then, as soon as they drop off,

you can creep into my room.

(doorbell chimes)

Come in, it's open!

- We couldn't get home.

- We wondered if you could give us shelter for tonight?

- Come in, and wipe your feet.

I don't know where you're going to sleep.

I mean, Capt. Peacock and Mr. Lucas are in the spare room,

and Mr. Humphries is on the sofa.

- I'll go with Peacock

Lucas, you're sleeping on the floor.

(audience laughing)

- It's marvelous, isn't it?

- I'll sleep in the bath.

After 25 years of marriage,

one gets the knack, you know.

- Now, see if we put these two chairs together,

Mr. Lucas can sleep across these.

- No, he can't.

I mean, if he does that he'll see

that you're not on the sofa.

- But I am on the sofa.

- Yes, but you won't be when everybody's gone to sleep.

- We might arouse somebody's suspicion.

- At this rate, we'll be lucky if we rouse anything.

(audience laughing)

(doorbell chimes)

Who can this be?!

- With any luck, it'll be the brush salesman.

(audience laughing)

- Don't tell me.

You can't get home, and you've come to spend the night.

- Well, I don't want to put you out.

- Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put you out.

Because I've got all the rest staying here,

and there's no more room.

- Well, I don't mind sharing your bed.

- Well, it doesn't happen to be convenient.

- Oh, well it wasn't inconvenient

when you got stuck at my place,

and I had to share mine.

- Well--

- I'm not going out on them streets again.

I've had four proposals between here and the bus stop,

and they wasn't marriage.

(audience laughing)

- Go on, and get in.

I've got to share with Miss Brahms.

- Oh, I see.

- Are you disappointed or relieved?

- I'm neither one way or the other.

(audience laughing)

- I'm afraid that's the way you're

still going to be in the morning.

Oh well, good night, chicken.

I hope you don't snore.

- Gibby gibby gibby gibby.

(cat screeching)

- Mr. Humphries, leave my pussy alone!

(audience laughing)

("Are You Being Served Theme")

♫ Ground floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor carpets, travel goods and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishings, restaurant and teas

♫ Going down ♫