Original subtitles

The poor suckers have no idea what they're being exposed to.

It'd be hilarious if it wasn't so funny.

Morning, Raul.

What? I'm not doing anything. Hagar wanted me to get a file.

Sounds great. Have a good one.

Hey, Raul. You get a haircut?

'Cause you look terrific.

Give me the number.

My husband's always looking for a place.

Yeah, absolutely.

Rauuuul...

You forgot to sign...

Keith's birthday card.

Okay.

Oh.

Morning.

You want me to grab that for ya?

Uh, it's fine. The mailbox is right there.

- I'll just shove it in. - Right.

Wouldn't it be quicker for you just to give it to me?

It's kind of sensitive information. That's all.

Maybe it's something you shouldn't be mailing, then.

Morning.

*ANGIE TRIBECA* Season 04 Episode 08 Episode Title: "Heading to the Legal Beagle"

I'm afraid my parasitic illness has progressed more rapidly

than doctors anticipated.

Scholls, would you...

Raul Chamgerlain worked at the offices

of Hagar & Marmaduke

as a law clerk until he was mailed to death

at 10:25 a.m. yesterday, just missing the morning pickup.

Let me guess... Hagar & Marmaduke represents Veggelon,

the largest industrial-farming company in America.

Veggelon raised eyebrows at the EPA

when they released a new pesticide,

and a study was commissioned.

Once their lawyers got involved,

all of a sudden, the study vanished.

Good guess. That's exactly right.

Let me also guess...

Chamgerlain had the goods on Veggelon

and was gonna sing like a canary.

That's also exactly right,

and he missed the concert because of his death. Oh.

I'm the most perceptive person anyone's ever met,

and I still can't figure out how this involves us.

Although, you really dislike Tribeca.

Something happened between you.

That's ridiculous.

I love Tribeca.

Don't you people see?

The government is powerless

against these giant corporations.

Sorry. Not powerless.

Paid by.

Veggelon has unleashed this pesticide

on the town of Cheyenne, Wyoming,

and in addition to having to live there,

people are already experiencing health issues.

But all their complaints are being squashed by Veggelon's lawyers.

So we're gonna take 'em down.

Hagar & Marmaduke, Veggelon,

and maybe a few townspeople

just to let 'em know we're really serious.

Whoa.

So we're actually fighting evil people

for the sake of innocent people.

We're the good guys.

You see, Tribeca, the Special Division Force is a good force.

It's a force for truth and justice.

Scholls, pass out the phony law degrees.

Ooh.

In this case, the patient regrew neurons

in the same area, resulting in...

Increased motor function and tactile sensitivity

that continued to...

Mm. Mm. Mm.

This just feels wrong.

That's my phone. Mm.

What about the team?

Don't you think they're starting to suspect?

Oh, trust me, they're clueless.

Mm. Mm. They're so going to plow-town.

That's my son.

Soon to be your grandson, am I right?

What about the age difference?

You're 24. I'm 23.

Yeah, and in 20 years, we'll both be the same age.

I just know this is gonna go south somehow.

I'm counting on it. Mm.

Wait, Murphy, who's driving?

Ms. Blatt, it is your contention that the toxic pesticides

used by Veggelon have caused you grievous and irreparable harm.

Objection. Objection.

You do not have to answer that.

- I don't? - No, you don't.

Excuse me, honey. Give Mommy one second, okay?

I'm Conney Sparzner,

and I'll be representing Ms. Blatt in this case.

I just got my law license after 15 years of being a homemaker.

My husband was laid off from the deodorant plant,

so I kinda had to pick up the slack.

We don't need to know all that.

Again, Ms. Blatt, you're claiming

that you suffered harm due to my client's use of pesticides.

And yet, you seem perfectly fine.

In what way did these FDA-approved pesticides

cause you any health issues?

I've been getting headaches, nose bleeds,

and I've been diagnosed with high blood pressure.

All of which could be pre-existing conditions.

Ms. Sparzner, let me give you

your first real-world experience as a lawyer...

You have no case, and you're gonna lose.

This is America, where the evil guys always win at first.

Then I guess I'll see you later in the story.

We got this.

This pesticide is some pretty nasty business.

It penetrates the blood-brain barrier

and disrupts the endocrine system.

It looks pretty innocuous.

- How is it at killing pests? - Unbeatable.

Doesn't even compare to the stuff you can get at the store.

Sir, no.

It'll have no effect on the parasite.

I got to do something. It's starting to affect my work,

and things are starting to feel very loose inside.

Hey, don't worry about it, Chief.

We've got you covered. Charo and I go undercover

at Hagar & Marmaduke this afternoon.

- Scholls? - Headed to my new job

at Veggelon's processing facility.

Tribeca?

I'm gonna go sit with Dorothy Blatt

and hear her story, but if I don't get back by 4:00,

I'm gonna have to pump again.

- Oh. - Oh, what? I'm sorry.

Is my making food for my child offending you?

And after that, we try a motion for dismissal

on the grounds of insufficient standing.

And if that doesn't work, we move to disqualify the evidence.

- Any questions? - Yeah, I have one.

Can you, uh, explain the strategy

behind the defense of Veggelon's pesticide?

That's what we've been doing for the past hour and a half.

I'm sorry, who are you?

Uh, this is Morton...

Peppercorn.

He is one of the new associates.

And who are you?

Sh... That's, uh, Marla... Flender.

The other new associate.

I wasn't aware that we brought on any new associates.

Oh, yeah. I-It was in the memo.

All right, Flender,

here's everything we have on the plaintiff, Dorothy Blatt.

Find anything we can use to discredit her.

Peppercorn, research these precedents.

Find any support for getting the evidence tossed.

You're Flender! You're Peppercorn!

Okay. Now get to work.

After the baby carrots are pulled from their mothers,

they're brought here.

You see this robot?

It sorts the good carrots from the bad.

Make sure it stays on.

Think you can handle it?

Seems easy enough.

Whoa!

You gotta wear these.

Never touch the carrots with your bare hands.

Now glove up and get to it.

We have a shipment for the preschool that leaves at 2:00.

Are you aware of the use

of dangerous pesticides by Veggelon?

Listen, lady, I just train people to keep the robot on

and to add dangerous pesticides to the carrots.

Yep, I see it.

That's a parasite, all right.

Uh, I don't mean to question your credentials, Dr. Zaius,

but as I remember, you got your doctorate in Art?

Is the human body not the world's

most beautiful piece of art?

I guess.

The theory of this treatment is that the only thing

that can kill a parasite is a more powerful parasite.

This is an egg salad sandwich that was made on Monday.

Mm, that doesn't sound so bad.

Monday 2008.

Okay, now that you've finished your snack,

let's begin your treatment.

Nurse, the specimen, please.

This is Cymothoa exigua,

the tongue-eating sea louse.

Once we introduce it into your system,

it will begin consuming everything inside your body,

hopefully beginning with your parasite.

After that, it's just a race to see who dies first... you or it.

I like my chances.

All right, here we go.

Oh, boy. That's really on there.

All right, that's not moving.

You want me to give it a shot?

No, no, no. I got it.

I thought I felt it budge.

Oh, maybe it opens the other way.

Nope. That just tightened it.

Sometimes if you bang it, then...

No, no, no. This is coming off.

Wow! This just does not want to budge.

Gah! My hand's starting to hurt.

Oh, maybe if I use the other hand.

That's ridiculous.

I don't have enough strength in this hand.

Maybe your hands are sweaty?

Oh, they're very sweaty. Okay, this is it.

This is the part where I just pop it off

and everything gets moving.

Here we go.

Haahh! Gosh darn it!

This thing's on really tight!

Maybe the key is to...

hit it suddenly!

Baaah!

I'm making this more difficult than it is.

Sometimes if you run it under warm wat...

No, the faucet's all the way down the hall.

That seems like a waste of time.

Maybe if I push down on it and then turn it...

Hey! Looky there!

Now we know how to do it.

So, it's push down and...

now it's not moving again.

Charo, check it out.

Dorothy Blatt is a total fraud.

Take a look.

She's been involved in over 200 lawsuits.

She sued Crest Whitestrips

because they made her teeth too white.

She sued Subway because the stores were above ground.

And she sued Folgers because it wasn't the best part

of waking up. Jesus. 5 aliases, 10 years in jail...

Yeah, and take a look at her rap sheet.

What? She tried to rhyme "miracle" with "spiritual"?

- That's whack. - No. I'm no lawyer,

but I think this makes her a vexatious litigant.

Which means that my mother's

fighting on the wrong side. Again.

She's gonna lose her mind.

Exactly. That's why we can't tell her.

What? What are you talking about?

That's my mother.

You don't hatch from someone's egg

- and then keep secrets. - What?

If she finds out that Blatt's a fraud,

she'll drop the case, and Veggelon will win.

Is that what you want? No, but if they didn't do anything wrong...

You saw the labs. That stuff is poison.

You mom has to be on her game and win this case.

Do you remember what happened the last time she lost it?

She sent me away to boarding school. I was 2.

Yeah, and how did that make you feel?

The older kids used to make fun of me

'cause my skull hadn't closed.

Veggelon has to lose this case.

You understand?

- I mean, I guess... - They have to lose, okay?!

Okay, okay.

Good boy.

Your Honor, in light of recent new evidence,

we would like to ask that the case

of Blatt v. Veggelon be dismissed.

And what new evidence is that?

That you guys are pure evil?

Order! Order! Order!

I'd like that medium rare. Thank you.

Mr. Hagar, on what grounds

should I be dismissing this lawsuit?

Exhibit A.

Neanderthal man.

And this is a record of Dorothy Blatt's visit

to a doctor three years ago,

long before any exposure to Veggelon's delicious pesticide.

And, as you can see,

the doctor has listed as symptoms...

Headaches, nose bleeds, and high blood pressure.

Pre-existing conditions.

Wait a second.

This isn't a medical record.

This is a blank job application for Best Buy.

Damn it. She's got us. Veggelon is ruined.

Make that check out to "Fraud Squad, LLC."

That's the name of my loan-out company.

This isn't right. What are you doing?

I'm not gonna stand by and let an innocent gigantic corporation

get trampled by a single middle-aged woman.

Your Honor, I submit that Dorothy Blatt,

A.K.A. Dorothy Blart, A.K.A. Mrs. Stephen Blart,

A.K.A. Mrs. Stephen Conway, A.K.A.. Stephen Conway,

A.K.A. Inmate Number 8675309,

has been the plaintiff in over 200 lawsuits,

none of which have any merit.

Her real name should be Sue Happy.

I remember you.

You sued Grape Nuts for being neither grapes nor nuts.

Well, what the hell are they?!

Gravel-Tastin' mutant cereal.

It is the opinion of this court

that the case of Blatt v. Veggelon be dis...

Objection, Your Honor!

Permission to speak to opposing counsel.

Flender, is it?

Oh, my God.

That's Flender. That's Peppercorn.

Sure. I'll see where you're going with this.

Oh, you're going over there.

- Ow! - Why are you tanking my case?

We gotta take these guys down.

Your client is a fraud, Mama.

A criminal.

Yeah, well, you know who else was a criminal? Me.

20 years' worth.

Just because this woman had made a mistake

doesn't mean she's not entitled to justice.

This isn't justice. So, I guess...

It's on.

It's on, all right.

Your Honor, in spite of everything that was just said...

No need to relive it... I move not to dismiss the case,

but to continue it under Statute... 21-C?

Of Wyoming Civil Code?

Continuance granted.

This court is in recess.

Have you two lost your minds?!

Sorry, I'm on edge.

I have an insatiable snail

eating every calorie I take into my body.

This woman has a case.

It doesn't matter who she was before.

The company has abused the law

and abused the rights of our citizens.

Isn't that what we're fighting for?

- No. - No. No!

That's not exactly it. Look, it's Dorothy Blatt,

or whatever her name is, that's abusing the law here.

Law! Law! Law!

What part of "outside the law"

or "beyond the scope of normal law enforcement" don't you get?

We're a Special Division Force, not a Division Force.

The Vice President has lost interest in this case,

and, therefore, so have we.

The company killed a man for what he knew!

Companies kill people!

That's capitalism.

What are we, huh?

We just take and drop cases

as it suits the Vice President's whims?

I spent 20 years in prison,

and this is what the world is now?

Scholls?

You and I haven't always seen eye-to-eye,

but you know what this company is doing.

You've seen their carrots up close.

Those defenseless, little baby carrots.

I had a baby once.

And I loved him more than I've ever loved anything.

And then I found out that he was your baby.

And you took him from me, and you sent him away

without even asking me if I wanted to take care of him.

And now that baby's all grown up, and he's back.

But he's still all yours.

And I come to work here every day with my heart torn in half.

And I don't say a word about it.

That's what I've become.

That's the world now.

I didn't know.

Okay, can we get back to my thing now?

Time to go, Tribeca.

We're moving out.

I'm not going anywhere.

Let justice be done though the heavens fall.

This lawsuit is garbage.

I'm dismissing it immediately.

Yeah! Whoo!

This view taken?

Nah. There's plenty to go around.

Whiskey?

Yeah, if you're drinking.

Looks like I lost my case.

Looks that way.

Felt good for a second.

You know?

Fighting for innocent people,

going up against the bully.

I was thinking about what you said about the world now.

And I know A.J.'s not my son, but he was once,

and this is the world he's gonna inherit.

And maybe it can be better than this.

Not with me as its lawyer.

Maybe you just need a little expert advice.

Tribeca, this is my uncle, Leonard Scholls.

Nice to meet you.

Beautiful night.

Whiskey?

I brought my own.

You know, I did a little lawyering myself

back in my day.

You ever hear of Brown vs. the Board of Education?

Yeah.

Well, I lost that one,

but I did pick up a few things along the way.

Oh, yeah?

You need a class-action suit.

No.

They can tie that up for years.

They have the money and the manpower.

Not if you can convince the majority of your plaintiffs

to opt for binding arbitration.

Binding arbitration? Mm-hmm.

That's it. Then the court has to hear it immediately.

That's the exact solution from "Erin Brockovich."

Uncle Leonard, you're a genius.

Yeah, well, Earl Warren didn't think so,

but I appreciate the thought.

Yes, Mr. Vice President.

Okay. Joe.

Everything went exactly according to plan.

Charo played them like a Stradivarius.

It's a kind of violin.

Veggelon's going to be bankrupt after this,

leaving all of Wyoming open for French development.

I told some cockamamie story about missing my baby,

and they ate it up.

Okay, sweetheart.

I love you.

No,you hang up fir...

Oh.

You did.

Sync corrections by srjanapala