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1
00:00:02,500 --> 00:00:05,971
You really take it seriously
selling chocolates for charity.
2
00:00:06,005 --> 00:00:08,707
Well, the profits go directly
to putting inner-city kids
3
00:00:08,741 --> 00:00:10,343
on the road to prosperity.
4
00:00:10,376 --> 00:00:12,210
The old Hershey highway.
5
00:00:12,243 --> 00:00:13,678
You can be my first customer.
6
00:00:13,711 --> 00:00:16,348
Steve, maybe you don't realize,
7
00:00:16,381 --> 00:00:18,017
I, uh...
8
00:00:18,049 --> 00:00:19,752
I don't have any money.
9
00:00:19,785 --> 00:00:23,656
Your father kind of controls the money.
10
00:00:23,689 --> 00:00:28,494
I carry a brick in my purse so
I feel like I have something.
11
00:00:28,526 --> 00:00:31,063
And I had to steal the brick.
12
00:00:31,096 --> 00:00:33,233
Oh, God, I have nothing.
13
00:00:34,233 --> 00:00:35,834
Welp, I got a long day
of sales ahead of me.
14
00:00:35,867 --> 00:00:37,236
(chuckles)
15
00:00:37,269 --> 00:00:39,272
Why don't you just, uh, let yourself out
16
00:00:39,304 --> 00:00:42,142
after you get a little nap-a-roo?
17
00:00:46,745 --> 00:00:50,750
Now to turn chocolates into change...
not coins.
18
00:00:50,782 --> 00:00:52,684
We're not feeding any
parking meters here.
19
00:00:52,718 --> 00:00:56,422
No, we're change-ing people's lives.
20
00:00:56,455 --> 00:00:57,957
(chuckles)
21
00:00:59,224 --> 00:01:01,928
My chocolates! Who ate my chocolates?!
22
00:01:02,761 --> 00:01:05,131
I don't know, but I'm gonna find out.
23
00:01:05,164 --> 00:01:06,732
Roger, stop right there!
24
00:01:06,765 --> 00:01:08,233
We're losing valuable time.
25
00:01:08,267 --> 00:01:10,036
When it comes to missing chocolate,
26
00:01:10,068 --> 00:01:12,104
the first 24 hours are
the most important.
27
00:01:12,137 --> 00:01:14,039
Roger, those were for charity!
28
00:01:14,072 --> 00:01:15,208
Steve, don't yell.
29
00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:16,809
Chocolate gives me migraines.
30
00:01:16,842 --> 00:01:18,944
By the way, looking good in that suit.
31
00:01:18,977 --> 00:01:19,979
Yeah? Thanks, man.
32
00:01:20,012 --> 00:01:21,247
Wait, wait, wait. No!
33
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:22,715
Why am I even arguing with you?
34
00:01:22,747 --> 00:01:24,583
You don't know anything about charity.
35
00:01:24,616 --> 00:01:26,585
You don't have a good bone in your body.
36
00:01:26,619 --> 00:01:28,488
Ha! I don't even have bones, you idiot.
37
00:01:29,854 --> 00:01:31,389
All cartilage, baby.
38
00:01:31,423 --> 00:01:33,292
I'm not talking about your
actual skeleton, Roger.
39
00:01:33,324 --> 00:01:35,427
Steve, why are we even
talking about this?
40
00:01:35,461 --> 00:01:36,629
Let's just kiss.
41
00:01:36,661 --> 00:01:38,431
- Cut it out.
- What the heck, Steve?
42
00:01:38,464 --> 00:01:40,733
You come down in your
best little boy's suit
43
00:01:40,765 --> 00:01:42,834
and expect me not to get
a raging cartilager?
44
00:01:42,867 --> 00:01:44,670
All you ever think about is yourself.
45
00:01:44,702 --> 00:01:47,339
You've never lifted a finger
to help a person in your life.
46
00:01:47,372 --> 00:01:49,008
You are selfish.
47
00:01:49,041 --> 00:01:51,244
Lifted a fi...
48
00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:52,611
Self... Ohh!
49
00:01:52,645 --> 00:01:55,148
I've been called a lot
of things, Steve...
50
00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:56,916
a loser, a knob, a turd burglar.
51
00:01:56,949 --> 00:01:58,684
You know what a turd burglar is?
52
00:01:58,717 --> 00:02:00,486
It's somebody who steals turds.
53
00:02:00,518 --> 00:02:02,420
But I am not what you just...
54
00:02:02,453 --> 00:02:03,622
What did you call me?
55
00:02:03,655 --> 00:02:05,090
- Selfish.
- That's the one!
56
00:02:05,124 --> 00:02:06,825
(sobbing)
57
00:02:08,327 --> 00:02:11,697
I'm the one who called him a
turd burglar, but it's true.
58
00:02:11,729 --> 00:02:14,066
I saw him take one that wasn't his.
59
00:02:16,801 --> 00:02:19,839
Good morning, U.S.A.
60
00:02:19,871 --> 00:02:23,275
I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day
61
00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:26,378
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face
62
00:02:26,412 --> 00:02:30,650
And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race
63
00:02:32,585 --> 00:02:35,988
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
64
00:02:36,020 --> 00:02:38,557
-
Good...
-
Good morning, U.S.A.
65
00:02:38,591 --> 00:02:41,160
Aah!
66
00:02:41,192 --> 00:02:42,970
Good morning, U.S.A.
67
00:02:43,041 --> 00:02:45,119
- sync and corrections by Caio -
- www.addic7ed.com -
68
00:02:46,732 --> 00:02:48,334
Let me get this straight.
69
00:02:48,366 --> 00:02:49,968
You don't have the money,
70
00:02:50,001 --> 00:02:52,237
and you don't have the chocolates.
71
00:02:52,270 --> 00:02:54,006
That's, um... That... That...
That's right.
72
00:02:54,038 --> 00:02:55,740
That... That... That's the...
the situation.
73
00:02:55,774 --> 00:02:57,842
Oh, okay, then. Everything's cool.
74
00:02:57,876 --> 00:03:00,413
We'll just chalk it up
as a misunderstanding.
75
00:03:00,446 --> 00:03:02,514
If everything's cool, then...
76
00:03:02,548 --> 00:03:04,182
Sit your ass down, Smith!
77
00:03:04,216 --> 00:03:05,918
You stole from a charity.
78
00:03:05,950 --> 00:03:08,687
You know who the charity benefits? Me!
79
00:03:08,721 --> 00:03:10,021
Well, I thought it was for inner-city...
80
00:03:10,055 --> 00:03:12,191
Where the hell do you think I live?
81
00:03:12,223 --> 00:03:13,893
Smith, you're a bad apple.
82
00:03:13,925 --> 00:03:16,696
And one bad apple spoils the barrel.
83
00:03:16,728 --> 00:03:20,232
Good news is we have a whole
barrel of bad apples here.
84
00:03:20,265 --> 00:03:21,566
Oh, God.
85
00:03:21,599 --> 00:03:24,436
You're sending me to the at-risk class?!
86
00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:27,038
That'll look terrible on
my college applications.
87
00:03:27,072 --> 00:03:29,008
Oh, don't worry, Steve.
88
00:03:29,041 --> 00:03:32,579
Murdered little boys
don't go to college.
89
00:03:35,114 --> 00:03:36,916
Francine, where's the newspaper?
90
00:03:36,948 --> 00:03:39,017
Oh, the paper hasn't come before noon
91
00:03:39,050 --> 00:03:41,353
since that old man
started doing the route.
92
00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:42,955
Oh, yeah, he's so old.
93
00:03:42,988 --> 00:03:45,223
I mean, why's he doing a paper route?
He's so old.
94
00:03:45,257 --> 00:03:47,893
It's terrible that he still
has to work at his age.
95
00:03:47,925 --> 00:03:50,262
That's not gonna happen
to us, will it, Stan?
96
00:03:50,295 --> 00:03:52,697
Nope, I've got our
retirement all planned out.
97
00:03:52,730 --> 00:03:56,401
401(k)s, Roth I.R.A.s,
even personalized canoes.
98
00:03:56,435 --> 00:03:58,104
Why do we need canoes?
99
00:03:58,137 --> 00:04:00,239
To send our dead bodies down the river.
100
00:04:00,271 --> 00:04:01,906
We're having Viking funerals.
101
00:04:01,940 --> 00:04:03,609
I'm sure we've discussed this.
102
00:04:03,642 --> 00:04:06,579
Canoes, oil-soaked rags, Klaus.
103
00:04:06,611 --> 00:04:08,614
I'm gonna burn you all.
104
00:04:08,646 --> 00:04:10,282
(flame hisses)
105
00:04:10,316 --> 00:04:13,452
Stan's ready. I'm... I'm almost ready.
106
00:04:13,484 --> 00:04:15,587
It doesn't sound like
you're ready, Mr. "S."
107
00:04:15,621 --> 00:04:17,823
You didn't even mention
you're retirement home.
108
00:04:17,856 --> 00:04:18,924
They're all the same.
109
00:04:18,957 --> 00:04:20,960
No, they're super-different.
110
00:04:20,993 --> 00:04:24,764
I play bridge all over town,
and the quality varies widely.
111
00:04:24,797 --> 00:04:26,931
We should look into this Stan.
112
00:04:26,965 --> 00:04:28,566
I don't want to end up at some home
113
00:04:28,599 --> 00:04:29,969
where I have to hide my brick.
114
00:04:30,001 --> 00:04:31,269
Fine! We can look into it.
115
00:04:31,302 --> 00:04:32,270
(bell chimes)
116
00:04:32,304 --> 00:04:34,306
Finally.
117
00:04:34,340 --> 00:04:37,310
(wheezing)
118
00:04:42,715 --> 00:04:45,051
KLAUS: Burn in hell, Dilbert!
119
00:04:50,403 --> 00:04:51,604
This is... This is weird.
120
00:04:51,638 --> 00:04:53,239
I've never been up here before.
121
00:04:53,272 --> 00:04:54,908
- Th-things are different.
- (siren wailing in distance)
122
00:04:54,941 --> 00:04:57,876
Yeah, this floor went to
hell after the mill closed.
123
00:04:57,910 --> 00:05:01,280
- (indistinct conversations)
- and here's your new home.
124
00:05:02,181 --> 00:05:04,505
Check me out right now. (laughs)
125
00:05:04,621 --> 00:05:06,423
Society's given up on these kids.
126
00:05:06,457 --> 00:05:08,392
The school's given up on these kids.
127
00:05:08,660 --> 00:05:11,029
Their own children have
given up on these kids.
128
00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:13,131
They're looking. They're looking at us.
129
00:05:13,164 --> 00:05:15,033
Y-Y-Y-You think they can read lips?
130
00:05:15,066 --> 00:05:16,435
They can't read books!
131
00:05:17,692 --> 00:05:20,061
They're a bunch of
dumbasses with no future.
132
00:05:20,093 --> 00:05:21,663
(gasps) There's no glass.
133
00:05:21,695 --> 00:05:24,666
Fresh meat! Ha-ha!
134
00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:27,169
Lewis gets away again!
135
00:05:28,302 --> 00:05:29,938
Hey, where are my shoes?
136
00:05:29,971 --> 00:05:31,106
Up there, fool.
137
00:05:32,772 --> 00:05:35,342
Who put them up there?
138
00:05:35,375 --> 00:05:36,844
You've got a lot to learn
about how it works in here,
139
00:05:36,877 --> 00:05:38,445
little man.
140
00:05:38,478 --> 00:05:40,981
But if there's one thing we
don't do in here, it's learn.
141
00:05:41,014 --> 00:05:42,584
What? Don't you have a teacher?
142
00:05:42,617 --> 00:05:45,319
Teacher? We got a new
teacher every week.
143
00:05:45,353 --> 00:05:47,422
They come in here. We threaten them.
144
00:05:47,454 --> 00:05:49,656
Then we go to their houses
and threaten their families.
145
00:05:49,690 --> 00:05:51,526
Then they quit on us.
146
00:05:51,558 --> 00:05:54,529
(crying) everybody quits on us.
147
00:05:54,562 --> 00:05:57,598
Wow. Seems like you guys
need some real help.
148
00:05:57,632 --> 00:06:00,935
Did someone say, "Lifting
a finger to help others"?
149
00:06:00,968 --> 00:06:02,036
Oh, no.
150
00:06:02,069 --> 00:06:03,505
Everyone, cheeks to the seats.
151
00:06:03,538 --> 00:06:04,840
That means ass in the chairs.
152
00:06:06,574 --> 00:06:09,177
My name is Mr. Deliver.
153
00:06:11,545 --> 00:06:13,214
I know what you're thinking.
154
00:06:13,247 --> 00:06:15,182
Teacher probably shouldn't
talk to his students this way,
155
00:06:15,216 --> 00:06:18,987
but have any of your teachers
ever talked to you this way?
156
00:06:19,019 --> 00:06:21,622
I am not going to quit
on you because I know
157
00:06:21,656 --> 00:06:23,057
everyone in this class
158
00:06:23,089 --> 00:06:25,459
has potential to achieve
something great.
159
00:06:25,493 --> 00:06:27,629
And I know the game's
stacked against you.
160
00:06:27,661 --> 00:06:30,431
Even the classroom floor appears
to be an uphill battle.
161
00:06:32,533 --> 00:06:35,303
Oh, yeah, this class
is at risk, all right.
162
00:06:35,336 --> 00:06:38,673
At risk of learning.
163
00:06:38,706 --> 00:06:41,408
My ride's here.
164
00:06:41,442 --> 00:06:43,745
(groans)
165
00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:46,681
Whoa, this is a different chair.
166
00:06:50,182 --> 00:06:54,154
The theater has a long and
fabled history of educating...
167
00:06:55,589 --> 00:06:58,726
- ALL: Ooh!
- (hip-hop music plays)
168
00:07:00,197 --> 00:07:01,838
- Hmm. Jay-Z?
- No.
169
00:07:01,885 --> 00:07:04,755
You know who the original Jay-Z is?
170
00:07:04,788 --> 00:07:07,197
- William Shakespeare.
- Pfft!
171
00:07:07,315 --> 00:07:09,291
- Whitey, throw me a beat.
- No.
172
00:07:09,324 --> 00:07:11,627
(rapping)
In fair Verona,
where we lay our scene
173
00:07:11,661 --> 00:07:13,663
A guy named Romeo, a sexy teen
174
00:07:13,696 --> 00:07:15,165
(blows)
Remix
175
00:07:15,197 --> 00:07:17,500
(imitates record playing in reverse)
176
00:07:17,533 --> 00:07:19,802
A sexy teen, a sexy teen
177
00:07:19,836 --> 00:07:21,805
A s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sexy teen
178
00:07:21,838 --> 00:07:24,220
Nope. No. You and me. Outside now.
179
00:07:24,322 --> 00:07:27,933
Anyway, Romeo's a super-hot
teen trying to bang a pre-teen.
180
00:07:27,958 --> 00:07:30,060
Whitey, go ahead and rap them
through the rest of Act One.
181
00:07:30,093 --> 00:07:31,428
No.
182
00:07:31,462 --> 00:07:33,064
Steve, I've noticed
you're falling behind
183
00:07:33,097 --> 00:07:34,265
the other students.
184
00:07:34,297 --> 00:07:35,667
I didn't want to embarrass you.
185
00:07:35,700 --> 00:07:37,102
That's why I brought you
out in the hallway.
186
00:07:37,135 --> 00:07:38,970
What?! I-I-I brought you out here!
187
00:07:39,003 --> 00:07:40,839
Here comes the anger. Let it out.
188
00:07:40,871 --> 00:07:42,840
I'll be your punching bag all day.
189
00:07:42,874 --> 00:07:44,342
I see right through you.
190
00:07:44,374 --> 00:07:46,410
You're just here to show me
that you're not selfish.
191
00:07:46,443 --> 00:07:49,146
Wait, a-are you talking about
that conversation earlier
192
00:07:49,179 --> 00:07:50,982
where you slaughtered my feelings?
193
00:07:51,015 --> 00:07:52,116
Made me feel this big?
194
00:07:52,150 --> 00:07:53,417
I'd forgotten about that.
195
00:07:53,451 --> 00:07:54,785
You're not a real teacher.
196
00:07:54,818 --> 00:07:56,920
This is just your Time Warner cable guy
197
00:07:56,953 --> 00:07:58,989
re-purposed after he committed suicide.
198
00:07:59,023 --> 00:08:03,328
Wrong. Mr. Deliver also has a
mole somewhere on his body.
199
00:08:03,361 --> 00:08:05,830
Don't you dare try to find it.
200
00:08:05,862 --> 00:08:07,999
I want you to leave.
201
00:08:08,032 --> 00:08:10,502
You can't help these kids.
You don't even want to.
202
00:08:10,535 --> 00:08:12,203
You just want to prove me wrong.
203
00:08:12,236 --> 00:08:13,338
So we both agree.
204
00:08:13,371 --> 00:08:14,673
This would prove you wrong.
205
00:08:14,705 --> 00:08:15,840
It's not gonna matter.
206
00:08:15,873 --> 00:08:17,542
I don't even need to do anything
207
00:08:17,575 --> 00:08:19,644
because these poor, disadvantaged youths
208
00:08:19,677 --> 00:08:20,878
are animals,
209
00:08:20,912 --> 00:08:22,547
and they'll send you
running for the hills.
210
00:08:22,580 --> 00:08:23,982
I'm not going anywhere.
211
00:08:24,015 --> 00:08:25,150
(bell rings)
212
00:08:25,182 --> 00:08:26,984
Recess! I'm going to recess!
213
00:08:28,086 --> 00:08:29,988
(laughs)
214
00:08:32,557 --> 00:08:34,325
Ah, the lobby.
215
00:08:34,357 --> 00:08:36,627
This'll be the edge of my universe.
216
00:08:36,660 --> 00:08:39,229
I'll be able to sit right
here and watch Steve park
217
00:08:39,262 --> 00:08:41,232
and sit in his car for a few minutes
218
00:08:41,265 --> 00:08:43,568
as he works up the
courage to come inside.
219
00:08:47,438 --> 00:08:48,506
Dad, what are you doing?
220
00:08:48,539 --> 00:08:50,008
I'm checking it out.
221
00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:51,376
If I'm gonna spend the
rest of my life here,
222
00:08:51,409 --> 00:08:52,876
I'd better try one night first.
223
00:08:52,910 --> 00:08:54,511
Ooh, I'll stay, too.
224
00:08:54,544 --> 00:08:56,747
Remember what we have to do the
first night at a new home.
225
00:08:56,780 --> 00:08:59,516
I wish, but I want to make
this as realistic as possible.
226
00:08:59,549 --> 00:09:01,553
And when I get old enough to live here,
227
00:09:01,586 --> 00:09:03,555
I won't even be able to get hard to pee.
228
00:09:03,588 --> 00:09:05,155
You do that, Mr. "S"?
229
00:09:05,189 --> 00:09:06,391
Damn right, I do.
230
00:09:06,424 --> 00:09:07,525
Use it or lose it.
231
00:09:10,026 --> 00:09:13,799
(spray can hissing, tattoo
needle buzzing, drums playing)
232
00:09:16,900 --> 00:09:18,502
Yo, look, teach already quit.
233
00:09:18,535 --> 00:09:19,938
He's not even trying.
234
00:09:19,971 --> 00:09:22,573
He's just staring at
that pigeon coop carpet.
235
00:09:22,607 --> 00:09:24,775
- Damn it!
- Why you trippin', teach?
236
00:09:24,809 --> 00:09:26,678
Why ain't you trippin', Tiglet?
237
00:09:26,711 --> 00:09:29,447
These fat-cat journalists
saying 9 out of 10 of you
238
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,283
will end up dead or in prison.
239
00:09:32,949 --> 00:09:35,386
Well, here's what I think of this.
240
00:09:39,457 --> 00:09:44,729
Dead, in prison, dead, dead,
dead, prison, prison, prison.
241
00:09:44,761 --> 00:09:46,097
Guess you make it.
242
00:09:46,130 --> 00:09:47,465
Looks like you're wrong, teach,
243
00:09:47,497 --> 00:09:48,900
'cause I'm gonna kill him.
244
00:09:48,933 --> 00:09:50,635
And that's why you go to prison.
245
00:09:50,668 --> 00:09:52,703
ALL: Ohh!
246
00:09:52,737 --> 00:09:54,171
You're dead, teach!
247
00:10:00,277 --> 00:10:02,646
Whoa! What were you, teach?
248
00:10:02,679 --> 00:10:03,948
Army? Marines?
249
00:10:03,981 --> 00:10:05,650
Army? I wish.
250
00:10:05,683 --> 00:10:07,251
I was in the shit.
251
00:10:07,285 --> 00:10:09,453
Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation" tour.
252
00:10:09,487 --> 00:10:11,588
ALL: Wow!
253
00:10:11,621 --> 00:10:13,056
Damn.
254
00:10:13,089 --> 00:10:15,160
So what if this guy used
to know how to dance.
255
00:10:15,193 --> 00:10:16,627
He's a crummy teacher.
256
00:10:16,660 --> 00:10:18,029
ROGER: Used to know?
257
00:10:19,130 --> 00:10:20,698
ALL: Uh-oh!
258
00:10:21,698 --> 00:10:23,267
Give us a countdown!
259
00:10:23,300 --> 00:10:25,903
Four, three, two, one.
260
00:10:25,937 --> 00:10:29,274
(Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation" plays)
261
00:10:35,346 --> 00:10:37,015
Nice try, teach.
262
00:10:37,048 --> 00:10:39,851
You're not gonna win us over
with this, right, guys?
263
00:10:41,718 --> 00:10:43,787
With music by our side
264
00:10:43,820 --> 00:10:46,523
To break the color lines
265
00:10:46,557 --> 00:10:47,859
Let's work together
266
00:10:47,891 --> 00:10:50,328
To improve our way of life
267
00:10:50,361 --> 00:10:52,496
Join voices in protest
268
00:10:52,530 --> 00:10:54,866
To social injustice
269
00:10:54,899 --> 00:10:59,037
A generation full of
courage, come forth with me
270
00:10:59,069 --> 00:11:01,371
Still not teaching them anything.
271
00:11:01,405 --> 00:11:03,607
I taught them how to
count down from four.
272
00:11:03,641 --> 00:11:05,709
ALL: Whoa!
273
00:11:05,742 --> 00:11:06,977
Class dismissed.
274
00:11:07,011 --> 00:11:08,379
It's 9:15!
275
00:11:08,411 --> 00:11:10,514
Stop using numbers we
haven't got to yet.
276
00:11:10,548 --> 00:11:12,851
(indistinct shouting)
277
00:11:12,884 --> 00:11:15,186
You've got to fire Mr. Deliver!
278
00:11:15,218 --> 00:11:17,722
Look who it is... Mr.
No Money, No Chocolate,
279
00:11:17,755 --> 00:11:19,790
telling me how to run my business.
280
00:11:19,823 --> 00:11:21,025
Oh, hey, Steve.
281
00:11:21,058 --> 00:11:22,393
Principal Lewis, this is the boy
282
00:11:22,425 --> 00:11:24,061
with anger issues I was
telling you about.
283
00:11:24,094 --> 00:11:25,362
But don't expel him.
284
00:11:25,395 --> 00:11:28,833
Give me a chance to give him a chance.
285
00:11:28,866 --> 00:11:32,237
There's no way this guy's
qualified to teach those kids.
286
00:11:32,270 --> 00:11:34,138
Well, he did go to Harvard.
287
00:11:34,170 --> 00:11:35,205
No, he didn't.
288
00:11:35,238 --> 00:11:37,007
Then how'd I get this sweatshirt?
289
00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:38,842
How'd he get the sweatshirt, Steve?
290
00:11:38,876 --> 00:11:40,410
Wha... are you really asking?
291
00:11:40,443 --> 00:11:42,246
A sweatshirt doesn't mean anything!
292
00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,015
You calling me a fraud?
293
00:11:44,048 --> 00:11:47,018
Saying I didn't graduate from F.U.B.U.?
294
00:11:58,562 --> 00:12:01,532
(gasps) Oh, God, did I slip up?
295
00:12:01,564 --> 00:12:02,900
Wait a minute.
296
00:12:02,934 --> 00:12:04,602
Vodka? Whiskey?
297
00:12:04,635 --> 00:12:07,170
These aren't mine. I'm a rum man.
298
00:12:07,203 --> 00:12:10,007
But let's see who did slip up.
299
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:11,376
Hmm.
300
00:12:11,409 --> 00:12:13,443
Ahh! Yeah!
301
00:12:13,477 --> 00:12:14,277
(glass shatters)
302
00:12:14,278 --> 00:12:15,878
- Rum's the only thing that gets my engine going!
303
00:12:15,947 --> 00:12:18,783
Rum! Rum-rum-Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum!
304
00:12:18,815 --> 00:12:21,718
Rum! Rum-rum-Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum!
305
00:12:21,751 --> 00:12:23,186
Rum! Rum-rum-Rum-Rum-Rum!
306
00:12:23,219 --> 00:12:24,187
(imitates brakes screeching)
307
00:12:24,221 --> 00:12:25,523
Oh, this is bad.
308
00:12:25,555 --> 00:12:28,626
Looks like Harvard's got a habit.
309
00:12:28,659 --> 00:12:29,693
Jackpot!
310
00:12:29,727 --> 00:12:31,095
Hmm.
311
00:12:31,127 --> 00:12:33,597
We can't have a drunk
teacher around here.
312
00:12:33,631 --> 00:12:37,735
But a perfectly buzzed
principal's good for everybody.
313
00:12:37,767 --> 00:12:39,237
(gulping)
314
00:12:43,006 --> 00:12:44,574
So, how was it, last night?
315
00:12:44,607 --> 00:12:46,443
(slurring speech) Terrible.
316
00:12:46,477 --> 00:12:48,713
We still have a lot of dogs to kill.
317
00:12:48,746 --> 00:12:50,781
- What?
- I'm not gonna say it again.
318
00:12:50,814 --> 00:12:52,616
They took my feet.
319
00:12:52,650 --> 00:12:57,454
Oh, no. Oh, no.
320
00:12:57,487 --> 00:12:58,790
Oh...
321
00:12:58,823 --> 00:12:59,991
What?!
322
00:13:00,024 --> 00:13:01,659
I've seen this too many times.
323
00:13:01,692 --> 00:13:04,996
When people are put in a home,
they just go downhill so fast.
324
00:13:05,029 --> 00:13:06,331
Not this fast.
325
00:13:06,363 --> 00:13:07,931
Dad, did they medicate you?
326
00:13:07,964 --> 00:13:10,300
We didn't give him anything
he didn't ask for.
327
00:13:10,333 --> 00:13:12,837
Which pills would you like today, Stan?
328
00:13:12,870 --> 00:13:14,472
Red, green, blue?
329
00:13:14,505 --> 00:13:17,075
Rainbow! Rainbow!
330
00:13:17,107 --> 00:13:18,575
(gulps)
331
00:13:18,608 --> 00:13:20,844
I don't know what you've
done to my husband,
332
00:13:20,877 --> 00:13:22,780
but we're taking him home right now.
333
00:13:22,813 --> 00:13:26,016
You can't take him anywhere
if he doesn't want to go.
334
00:13:26,049 --> 00:13:29,020
And you don't want to leave
our happy wittle home,
335
00:13:29,053 --> 00:13:30,154
do you, Stanny?
336
00:13:30,187 --> 00:13:32,457
I love you, Nurse Jocelyn!
337
00:13:32,490 --> 00:13:34,792
Baby dirty.
338
00:13:34,824 --> 00:13:37,661
This is ridiculous.
He is coming with us.
339
00:13:37,694 --> 00:13:41,165
I mean, after you... take care of...
340
00:13:41,198 --> 00:13:42,766
You heard him. Baby dirty.
341
00:13:42,799 --> 00:13:45,035
Orderlies!
342
00:13:45,068 --> 00:13:46,636
(groans) Don't worry, Dad.
343
00:13:46,669 --> 00:13:48,439
We're gonna get you out of this.
344
00:13:48,472 --> 00:13:50,540
We are gonna sic Legal Zoom on your ass!
345
00:13:50,573 --> 00:13:52,010
They're the best.
346
00:13:52,043 --> 00:13:53,778
They did our paperwork
when we got married.
347
00:13:53,810 --> 00:13:56,179
Actually, babe, there was
a little hiccup there.
348
00:13:56,213 --> 00:13:58,216
I'm not totally sure we're married,
349
00:13:58,248 --> 00:14:01,018
but we're definitely licensed
to import rare birds.
350
00:14:03,654 --> 00:14:05,556
All right, so the North is the Bloods
351
00:14:05,588 --> 00:14:06,958
and the South is the Crips.
352
00:14:06,991 --> 00:14:10,995
So that means Abe Lincoln is Huge Omar!
353
00:14:11,027 --> 00:14:12,829
And Fort Sumter was
like when Kenny's mom
354
00:14:12,862 --> 00:14:14,364
shot his stepdad in the dick.
355
00:14:14,397 --> 00:14:16,066
Which would mean...?
356
00:14:16,099 --> 00:14:19,803
That even if the war didn't
start out about slavery,
357
00:14:19,837 --> 00:14:22,140
Lincoln's emancipation proclamation
358
00:14:22,173 --> 00:14:23,573
made it about slavery.
359
00:14:23,607 --> 00:14:26,843
Ricky, that sounds right to me.
360
00:14:26,876 --> 00:14:29,179
- Whoo!
- Yeah! All right, Ricky!
361
00:14:29,213 --> 00:14:30,881
Stop teaching this class!
362
00:14:30,915 --> 00:14:33,217
I found your desk full of alcohol!
363
00:14:33,250 --> 00:14:35,586
Then I dug deeper, found your DUls,
364
00:14:35,618 --> 00:14:37,554
your drunk and disorderlies.
365
00:14:37,588 --> 00:14:40,158
What?! That's impossible! I was framed!
366
00:14:40,190 --> 00:14:41,592
Get out of my school!
367
00:14:43,626 --> 00:14:46,329
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo,
yo, you can't take him.
368
00:14:46,362 --> 00:14:48,866
He the first person to
ever get through to us.
369
00:14:48,899 --> 00:14:51,568
Kids, don't. You can't fight the system.
370
00:14:51,602 --> 00:14:53,237
Remember that.
371
00:14:53,270 --> 00:14:55,405
(class jeering)
372
00:14:55,439 --> 00:14:56,908
- Let the teach teach!
- (crying)
373
00:14:56,940 --> 00:14:58,775
I don't know why everybody's so upset.
374
00:14:58,809 --> 00:15:01,445
Sounds like we dodged a
bullet with this creep.
375
00:15:01,478 --> 00:15:04,948
He quit on us! Teach quit on us!
376
00:15:04,982 --> 00:15:10,321
From now on, the only one who
quits on Ricky is Ricky!
377
00:15:11,755 --> 00:15:12,924
Ricky got shot!
378
00:15:12,957 --> 00:15:15,426
Ricky joined a gang and got shot!
379
00:15:15,458 --> 00:15:16,560
(all gasp)
380
00:15:16,593 --> 00:15:18,095
This is bull, man!
381
00:15:18,129 --> 00:15:20,865
This would have never
happened if teach was here!
382
00:15:20,897 --> 00:15:24,534
(crying) He was only 24!
383
00:15:24,568 --> 00:15:25,804
Damn.
384
00:15:28,584 --> 00:15:30,820
We've heard a lot about Ricky.
385
00:15:30,853 --> 00:15:32,630
But I don't think you
could talk about Ricky
386
00:15:32,795 --> 00:15:34,831
without talking about Mr. Deliver.
387
00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:37,804
He was helping Ricky with
his college applications.
388
00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:39,472
He was helping all of us.
389
00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:42,342
Whitey... He drove you to
your mom's parole hearings.
390
00:15:42,376 --> 00:15:44,845
Yoyo, he paid your tab
at planned parenthood.
391
00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:47,948
And, Sara, he was always
rubbing your shoulders.
392
00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:49,684
Like, a lot.
393
00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:57,123
Maybe he did care.
394
00:15:57,156 --> 00:16:00,160
Ricky will live on on his Facebook page
395
00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:02,361
and is survived by his
low-riding bicycle
396
00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:04,664
and his stolen Xbox.
397
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:08,368
Stop right there!
398
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:10,069
I've got our paralegal, Rajeet,
399
00:16:10,102 --> 00:16:12,205
live-chatting with us from Hyderabad.
400
00:16:12,238 --> 00:16:14,807
Technically, I am not a full paralegal.
401
00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:16,977
And perhaps an unnecessary
furtherance...
402
00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:18,746
Look, I don't have time for this.
403
00:16:18,779 --> 00:16:20,246
You can take him.
404
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,914
He just needs to sign
his release papers.
405
00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:25,419
Mr. Smith, do you think you
can write your full name
406
00:16:25,452 --> 00:16:27,788
with this big marker-oo?
407
00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:30,991
There. All set.
408
00:16:31,024 --> 00:16:32,760
You can have your father,
409
00:16:32,793 --> 00:16:35,662
and I'll just keep all of his assets.
410
00:16:35,694 --> 00:16:39,165
Boom! Big money Jocelyn!
411
00:16:39,198 --> 00:16:41,068
All his assets?
412
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:45,438
Then we're just left with... my brick!
413
00:16:45,472 --> 00:16:47,308
Orderlies!
414
00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:52,044
I need some help, Jeff!
415
00:16:52,078 --> 00:16:53,914
Got it, babe!
416
00:16:53,947 --> 00:16:56,417
The key to the drug locker!
417
00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:57,485
We did it!
418
00:16:58,985 --> 00:17:00,454
Enough!
419
00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:02,855
If only you could see
yourselves right now.
420
00:17:02,889 --> 00:17:05,559
Dad, I thought you were
all zonked out on pills.
421
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:08,629
They tried, but I had my C.I.A.
cheek pocket in.
422
00:17:10,229 --> 00:17:12,565
Yep, this was one of my famous tests.
423
00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:13,801
Oh, of course.
424
00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:15,134
He loves those.
425
00:17:15,168 --> 00:17:16,236
Always has.
426
00:17:16,268 --> 00:17:17,904
And you all failed.
427
00:17:17,938 --> 00:17:19,473
I'm not the one who has to
be ready for retirement.
428
00:17:19,506 --> 00:17:21,408
I'll be senile.
429
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:23,977
You're the chicken heads who need
to be ready. And you're not.
430
00:17:24,009 --> 00:17:26,979
You're the chicken head 'cause
these documents are real.
431
00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:29,082
Everything's mine...
432
00:17:29,114 --> 00:17:33,085
the 401(k)s, the Roth
I.R.A.s, the canoes.
433
00:17:33,119 --> 00:17:34,721
Please, nurse, you must...
434
00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:37,791
you must tell me this is
one of your famous tests!
435
00:17:37,823 --> 00:17:39,092
Not even.
436
00:17:41,695 --> 00:17:43,897
Bull's-eye! Ha-ha!
437
00:17:43,929 --> 00:17:46,299
Or should I say fish-eye?
438
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:48,635
Okay, bull's-eye!
439
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:51,005
It was clearly the crowd favorite.
440
00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:55,475
(slurps)
441
00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:56,843
Mr. Deliver?
442
00:17:56,877 --> 00:17:58,946
Come on, Steve. I'm not
a teacher anymore.
443
00:17:58,978 --> 00:18:00,680
You want a cup of noodles?
444
00:18:00,714 --> 00:18:01,682
Hot Pocket?
445
00:18:01,715 --> 00:18:03,150
I got all the sad foods.
446
00:18:03,182 --> 00:18:05,618
Look, I'm here to say I'm sorry.
447
00:18:05,651 --> 00:18:07,587
I was so focused on getting you fired
448
00:18:07,621 --> 00:18:09,823
I didn't realize how
much you were helping.
449
00:18:09,855 --> 00:18:12,025
Actually, I was just
trying to prove you wrong.
450
00:18:12,057 --> 00:18:13,626
I didn't care about those kids.
451
00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:15,862
Yes, you did. I saw you at the funeral.
452
00:18:15,896 --> 00:18:17,965
So I went to the funeral. Big deal.
453
00:18:17,997 --> 00:18:19,999
I was their teacher, and
I walked out on them.
454
00:18:20,033 --> 00:18:22,468
I took all their field trip
money and bought Hot Pockets.
455
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:23,937
They're better off without me.
456
00:18:23,969 --> 00:18:26,606
I brought some people
who might disagree.
457
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:34,849
We are a part of the rhythm nation
458
00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:40,186
(Rapping)
Let me teach
y'all about the number pi
459
00:18:40,219 --> 00:18:42,823
3.14125
460
00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:45,157
I changed the numbers
so it would rhyme
461
00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:48,595
(laughter)
462
00:18:49,496 --> 00:18:51,998
what in the hot-and-holy
hell is going on in here?!
463
00:18:52,032 --> 00:18:53,367
No, no, no, it's cool. It's cool.
464
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:54,901
They had a vigil. They asked me back.
465
00:18:54,935 --> 00:18:56,169
I said yes.
466
00:18:57,403 --> 00:18:59,539
It doesn't matter if your
students want you back.
467
00:18:59,573 --> 00:19:00,841
I fired you.
468
00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:02,742
You're a drunk with a criminal record.
469
00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:05,746
Stop it! Mr. Deliver isn't a bad guy.
470
00:19:05,778 --> 00:19:07,246
I am.
471
00:19:07,279 --> 00:19:09,549
I...framed him.
472
00:19:09,583 --> 00:19:11,817
Planted the alcohol,
hacked the state records.
473
00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:14,554
The only thing I know he's done
for sure is turd-burgling.
474
00:19:14,588 --> 00:19:17,424
And that should be treated
as an illness, not a crime.
475
00:19:17,457 --> 00:19:18,992
Wait a minute.
476
00:19:19,025 --> 00:19:22,262
You added DUls to this man's record?
477
00:19:22,294 --> 00:19:25,698
Can you, by any chance, remove
them from a person's record?
478
00:19:25,731 --> 00:19:26,999
I guess.
479
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,702
Congratulations, Smith!
480
00:19:28,735 --> 00:19:31,103
You're back in the smart class.
481
00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:34,006
After we stop by the
computer lab for a sec.
482
00:19:34,032 --> 00:19:36,835
And, you... I don't care what you do.
483
00:19:36,875 --> 00:19:38,344
I'm going to teach!
484
00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:40,112
Like I said, don't care.
485
00:19:40,146 --> 00:19:41,582
But I do.
486
00:19:42,649 --> 00:19:44,919
You're so tense.
487
00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:54,760
Wh-What are you doing?
488
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:56,463
Just loading up on school property.
489
00:19:56,496 --> 00:19:58,532
But w-where's Whitey and
Yoyo and everybody?
490
00:19:58,564 --> 00:19:59,932
I got them to join the Army.
491
00:19:59,966 --> 00:20:02,468
What? b-but they're not all 18.
492
00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:04,972
They don't have to be
for the Chinese Army.
493
00:20:05,005 --> 00:20:07,573
My friend Chuen-Wei pays
me for every recruit
494
00:20:07,606 --> 00:20:09,275
in "World of Warcraft" gold.
495
00:20:09,308 --> 00:20:11,612
And one of these days, I'm
gonna get into that game.
496
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,045
Sounds super-cool.
497
00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:15,616
God, I'd love to escape
to a fantasy world.
498
00:20:15,649 --> 00:20:17,117
The real world's so dark.
499
00:20:17,150 --> 00:20:18,418
Did you hear about that guy
500
00:20:18,450 --> 00:20:20,219
who sold his students
to the Chinese Army?
501
00:20:20,253 --> 00:20:21,922
It's like I can't even
turn on the news anymore.
502
00:20:21,955 --> 00:20:23,490
I can't believe you, Roger.
503
00:20:23,523 --> 00:20:25,559
I can't believe how
helpful you were, Steve.
504
00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:27,160
I didn't think it was gonna work,
505
00:20:27,192 --> 00:20:29,261
but then you got me
fired, got Ricky killed,
506
00:20:29,294 --> 00:20:31,430
and got all my students
to beg me to come back.
507
00:20:31,464 --> 00:20:33,734
After that, they were putty in my hands.
508
00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:36,335
Oh, my God. I helped you do this.
509
00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:38,772
What? You got them out
of the inner city.
510
00:20:38,804 --> 00:20:41,440
And you got the boot off
principal Lewis' car.
511
00:20:41,474 --> 00:20:42,943
So you've done a lot of good.
512
00:20:42,976 --> 00:20:45,779
(siren wailing)
513
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:51,317
Smith! Meet me in the computer lab!
514
00:20:52,533 --> 00:20:55,503
(horn blaring)
515
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