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1
00:00:02,742 --> 00:00:03,974
Morning, Jackson.
2
00:00:03,976 --> 00:00:05,443
That was quite a game
last night.
3
00:00:05,445 --> 00:00:06,811
Crazy, right?
4
00:00:06,813 --> 00:00:08,879
Watching my mom
destroy my sister at Monopoly.
5
00:00:08,881 --> 00:00:11,615
Yeah, I sort of thought
we were all gonna play.
6
00:00:11,617 --> 00:00:13,918
Boss is coming.
Look busy.
7
00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:15,786
[ Fanfare plays ]
8
00:00:23,595 --> 00:00:24,995
[ Employees coughing ]
Loyal subjects!
9
00:00:24,997 --> 00:00:27,498
Due to some recent
cost overruns --
10
00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:30,101
health plan,
thanks, current president --
11
00:00:30,103 --> 00:00:32,870
the C.I.A. is
just a wee bit over budget.
12
00:00:32,872 --> 00:00:34,772
Cutbacks must be made,
13
00:00:34,774 --> 00:00:37,975
and since it's not going to be
my hover-throne polisher...
14
00:00:37,977 --> 00:00:41,946
Certain things are still sacred,
Your Highness.
15
00:00:41,948 --> 00:00:44,081
...we must get creative.
16
00:00:44,083 --> 00:00:47,918
I'm looking for one volunteer
to enjoy a one-month vacation.
17
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:49,687
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ooh!
Ooh! Ohh! Ohh!
18
00:00:49,689 --> 00:00:51,589
Without pay.
Ooh! Ooh!
19
00:00:51,591 --> 00:00:52,656
Ooh! Ooh!
20
00:00:52,658 --> 00:00:54,024
Wait -- what was
that last thing?
21
00:00:54,026 --> 00:00:55,826
It seemed to change
everyone's mind.
22
00:00:58,463 --> 00:01:01,065
Good morning, U.S.A.
23
00:01:01,067 --> 00:01:04,835
I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day
24
00:01:04,837 --> 00:01:08,038
the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face
25
00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:12,443
and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race
26
00:01:14,179 --> 00:01:17,681
oh, boy, it's swell to say
27
00:01:17,683 --> 00:01:20,050
Good --
Good morning, U.S.A.
28
00:01:20,052 --> 00:01:25,823
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
29
00:01:25,825 --> 00:01:28,459
[ Birds chirping ]
30
00:01:28,461 --> 00:01:29,860
You've been furloughed?
31
00:01:29,862 --> 00:01:32,029
Don't worry. I got another job
for the month.
32
00:01:32,031 --> 00:01:34,698
You're looking at the newest
campus security officer
33
00:01:34,700 --> 00:01:36,200
at Groff Community College.
34
00:01:36,202 --> 00:01:37,835
You're camp sec?
35
00:01:37,837 --> 00:01:39,170
Oh, no. You're not
gonna be there, are you?
36
00:01:39,172 --> 00:01:40,704
No, 'cause midterms
are next week,
37
00:01:40,706 --> 00:01:42,006
and I always quit before those.
38
00:01:42,008 --> 00:01:43,107
Sweet.
39
00:01:43,109 --> 00:01:44,809
Oh, and another
good thing --
40
00:01:44,811 --> 00:01:46,911
my new job's gonna pay me
even more...
41
00:01:46,913 --> 00:01:47,995
frequently.
42
00:01:48,115 --> 00:01:50,648
The total money is a lot less,
but I'm paid...
43
00:01:50,650 --> 00:01:52,583
[Clicks tongue] weekly.
44
00:01:52,585 --> 00:01:54,018
That doesn't sound great, dad.
45
00:01:54,020 --> 00:01:55,653
Maybe not for you,
46
00:01:55,655 --> 00:01:57,221
but for me, it's like
going back to college.
47
00:01:57,223 --> 00:01:58,923
I'll be cruisin' around campus,
48
00:01:58,925 --> 00:02:00,724
pajama-pantsin'
with the co-eds,
49
00:02:00,726 --> 00:02:02,860
skippin' class,
and workin' out guitar licks,
50
00:02:02,862 --> 00:02:03,861
late night.
51
00:02:03,863 --> 00:02:06,864
[ Guitar riff plays ]
52
00:02:08,133 --> 00:02:09,733
Sounds like we're gonna have to
53
00:02:09,735 --> 00:02:11,135
tighten our belts around here.
54
00:02:11,137 --> 00:02:13,604
No! I will not give up
my coconut water!
55
00:02:13,606 --> 00:02:15,973
My potassium levels
are everything to me!
56
00:02:15,975 --> 00:02:18,609
We're just gonna have to find
that money somewhere else.
57
00:02:18,611 --> 00:02:21,011
Wait -- Roger, what about
that bed-and-breakfast
58
00:02:21,013 --> 00:02:22,179
you've been dying to do?
59
00:02:22,181 --> 00:02:23,948
Yeah, the Inn Under the Attic.
60
00:02:23,950 --> 00:02:25,683
Oh, no --
I will not jeopardize
61
00:02:25,685 --> 00:02:27,718
my five-circle rating
on Tripplanner.
62
00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:28,886
You mean "stars."
63
00:02:28,888 --> 00:02:30,654
Actually, they use circles.
64
00:02:30,656 --> 00:02:32,623
Maybe they're owl eyes?
Areolas?
65
00:02:32,625 --> 00:02:33,858
I don't know.
It's confusing.
66
00:02:33,860 --> 00:02:35,559
But it's very important to me!
67
00:02:35,561 --> 00:02:37,995
How do you have ratings
if no one's ever stayed there?
68
00:02:37,997 --> 00:02:39,930
Oh, I've entertained
satisfied visitors
69
00:02:39,932 --> 00:02:41,131
from all over the world --
70
00:02:41,133 --> 00:02:43,901
Omar, Benyamin, Chinese peasant.
71
00:02:43,903 --> 00:02:47,204
Mantu here was so happy,
he tipped me a narwhal tusk.
72
00:02:47,206 --> 00:02:49,106
Got 75 cents for it on eBay.
73
00:02:49,108 --> 00:02:51,041
Took a bath on the shipping.
74
00:02:51,043 --> 00:02:52,743
How can you be proud
of those reviews?
75
00:02:52,745 --> 00:02:53,878
You wrote them all.
76
00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:55,312
Hmm.
77
00:02:55,314 --> 00:02:56,914
I have always wondered
what it'd be like
78
00:02:56,916 --> 00:02:59,950
to entertain
a...real guest.
79
00:02:59,952 --> 00:03:01,018
I'll do it!
80
00:03:01,020 --> 00:03:02,286
But only if you all promise
81
00:03:02,288 --> 00:03:04,288
to help me keep
my five-circle rating.
82
00:03:04,290 --> 00:03:06,223
Well, you can count on us, sir.
83
00:03:06,225 --> 00:03:08,959
Shall I plug in
the reservation line?
84
00:03:08,961 --> 00:03:10,628
Yes.
85
00:03:10,630 --> 00:03:11,829
It's time.
86
00:03:13,064 --> 00:03:14,231
[ Telephone rings ] Wow.
That was really fast --
87
00:03:14,233 --> 00:03:15,833
Get it on the first ring!
88
00:03:15,835 --> 00:03:18,168
Inn Under the Attic.
This is Roger.
89
00:03:18,170 --> 00:03:20,671
Aah!
This is happening!
90
00:03:23,241 --> 00:03:26,443
Remember, any student riding
their bike in a pedestrian area
91
00:03:26,445 --> 00:03:29,980
is in violation of Code 33-A,
so write 'em up.
92
00:03:29,982 --> 00:03:31,515
Last order of business --
93
00:03:31,517 --> 00:03:33,484
I'd like to welcome
our newest officer.
94
00:03:33,486 --> 00:03:35,185
Everybody, this is Stan Smith.
95
00:03:35,187 --> 00:03:38,055
Yo, boss man,
do I get my golf cart now?
96
00:03:38,057 --> 00:03:40,324
Eager to jump in.
I like it.
97
00:03:40,326 --> 00:03:44,828
More like eager to jump into
a fat burrito -- mouth-first.
98
00:03:44,830 --> 00:03:46,964
And lastly,
the school's orangutan mascot's
99
00:03:46,966 --> 00:03:48,499
been missing since last week.
100
00:03:48,501 --> 00:03:50,034
If anyone sees it,
101
00:03:50,036 --> 00:03:52,002
alert the new head
of the zoology department.
102
00:03:52,004 --> 00:03:53,804
You mean
that 4-foot-tall professor
103
00:03:53,806 --> 00:03:55,272
with the tweed jacket
and no pants
104
00:03:55,274 --> 00:03:56,740
who started last week?
105
00:03:56,742 --> 00:03:58,542
Yes,
Dr. Tang ooo-ooo-ah-ah.
106
00:03:58,544 --> 00:04:00,311
I think
it's "Ah-ah-ooo-ooo."
107
00:04:00,313 --> 00:04:01,912
No. It's not.
108
00:04:08,887 --> 00:04:10,955
[ Horns honking ]
109
00:04:14,926 --> 00:04:16,794
So, Josh,
how'd you break your ankle?
110
00:04:16,796 --> 00:04:19,263
The same way everyone in college
breaks their ankle --
111
00:04:19,265 --> 00:04:20,898
playing mushroom soccer.
112
00:04:20,900 --> 00:04:23,000
Ahh, kicking mushrooms around.
113
00:04:23,002 --> 00:04:24,468
Nothing's changed.
114
00:04:24,470 --> 00:04:26,971
You don't seem like
the other officers around here.
115
00:04:26,973 --> 00:04:29,406
'Cause I'm not. I'm just here
to chill with you guys.
116
00:04:29,408 --> 00:04:31,508
Why don't you think of me
as a cool uncle?
117
00:04:31,510 --> 00:04:32,910
Yeah.
118
00:04:32,912 --> 00:04:35,112
Your coolest uncle.
119
00:04:35,114 --> 00:04:36,914
O...kay.
120
00:04:38,283 --> 00:04:40,451
And if you change your mind
about me signing your cast,
121
00:04:40,453 --> 00:04:42,620
just pick up one of
the blue phones around campus.
122
00:04:42,622 --> 00:04:44,021
That's what they're there for.
123
00:04:44,023 --> 00:04:45,456
Well, that and rapes.
124
00:04:45,458 --> 00:04:46,857
Stopping them!
125
00:04:49,383 --> 00:04:52,477
Captain: Officer Smith, what is
your current tactical situation?
126
00:04:52,597 --> 00:04:55,989
Oh, I'm, uh...
in pursuit of a Code 58.
127
00:04:55,991 --> 00:04:57,824
I'm gonna initiate
a 41-C.
128
00:04:57,826 --> 00:04:59,292
You spotted a public sex act
129
00:04:59,294 --> 00:05:01,327
and you're doing
a horse-based takedown?
130
00:05:01,329 --> 00:05:03,029
You know it, baby.
131
00:05:03,031 --> 00:05:04,130
[ Slurping ]
132
00:05:06,333 --> 00:05:09,135
I wonder where it goes.
133
00:05:12,940 --> 00:05:16,042
You kids about to play
ultimate frisbee on the quad?
134
00:05:16,044 --> 00:05:17,877
I know --
we're not supposed to.
135
00:05:17,879 --> 00:05:19,112
Oh, I don't care about that.
136
00:05:19,114 --> 00:05:20,747
Just seems like
you're short a player.
137
00:05:20,749 --> 00:05:22,882
You want to...play?
138
00:05:22,884 --> 00:05:24,984
Does this answer your question?
139
00:05:24,986 --> 00:05:26,886
[ Guitar riff plays ]
140
00:05:26,888 --> 00:05:28,154
He's having a seizure!
141
00:05:28,156 --> 00:05:30,123
Quick -- put a wallet
in his mouth!
142
00:05:31,525 --> 00:05:33,793
Yep, this is me right here --
Loeb Hall.
143
00:05:33,795 --> 00:05:34,894
You like skids?
144
00:05:34,896 --> 00:05:35,929
[ Tires squealing ]
145
00:05:35,931 --> 00:05:38,898
Tokyo drift!
146
00:05:38,900 --> 00:05:40,867
Whoa!
That was pretty sick.
147
00:05:40,869 --> 00:05:42,936
Hey, how 'bout signing my cast?
148
00:05:42,938 --> 00:05:44,637
Yes!
149
00:05:44,639 --> 00:05:46,959
I was hoping you'd let me,
so I've been practicing all day.
150
00:05:49,984 --> 00:05:52,278
There you are, Mr. Cavendish --
all checked in.
151
00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:54,280
Oh, just curious --
how did you hear about us?
152
00:05:54,282 --> 00:05:56,015
Hm.
Funny story, really.
153
00:05:56,017 --> 00:05:57,850
I found you on Tripplanner.
154
00:05:57,852 --> 00:06:00,219
[ Laughing ]
Oh, you weren't kidding!
155
00:06:00,221 --> 00:06:01,921
That is hilarious, sir.
156
00:06:01,923 --> 00:06:03,957
Well, I hope
you'll enjoy your stay.
157
00:06:03,959 --> 00:06:06,392
I expect I shall.
I'm a simple man, really.
158
00:06:06,394 --> 00:06:08,227
There's only one thing
I ask of you.
159
00:06:08,229 --> 00:06:09,228
Name it.
160
00:06:09,230 --> 00:06:11,364
Absolute perfection.
161
00:06:11,366 --> 00:06:12,332
[ Gasps ]
162
00:06:12,334 --> 00:06:14,400
Will that be a problem?
163
00:06:14,402 --> 00:06:17,136
It shadn't --
not for this staff.
164
00:06:17,138 --> 00:06:19,973
I only hope you're ready
for absolute perfection,
165
00:06:19,975 --> 00:06:22,175
because it can be
very overwhelming.
166
00:06:22,177 --> 00:06:24,143
Oh, I think you'll find
167
00:06:24,145 --> 00:06:26,512
that I'm almost always
underwhelmed.
168
00:06:26,514 --> 00:06:27,981
[ Laughs ]
169
00:06:27,983 --> 00:06:29,849
Not while you're under my care.
170
00:06:29,851 --> 00:06:31,284
[ Laughs ]
171
00:06:31,286 --> 00:06:33,987
Be careful promising
what you can't deliver.
172
00:06:33,989 --> 00:06:37,190
De-liver is our special
for dinner tonight.
173
00:06:37,192 --> 00:06:38,891
Woman, buy some liver.
174
00:06:41,328 --> 00:06:43,863
Sorry I'm late. Meghan
just broke up with Duncan.
175
00:06:43,865 --> 00:06:45,365
I had to talk her through it.
176
00:06:45,367 --> 00:06:47,934
I was like, "What did you
expect, Meghan? It's Duncan."
177
00:06:47,936 --> 00:06:49,869
Glad you survived
your first day.
178
00:06:49,871 --> 00:06:51,237
Survived it?
I loved it!
179
00:06:51,239 --> 00:06:52,939
I mean, the kids are great.
180
00:06:52,941 --> 00:06:55,041
They -- they keep saying
I'm like their cool uncle.
181
00:06:55,043 --> 00:06:56,576
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
182
00:06:56,578 --> 00:06:58,011
You're not here to make friends
with the students.
183
00:06:58,013 --> 00:06:59,479
If they see you as a friend,
184
00:06:59,481 --> 00:07:01,114
they won't accept you
as an authority figure.
185
00:07:01,116 --> 00:07:02,448
We just got a call
186
00:07:02,450 --> 00:07:03,783
from that girl in Loeb
who hates parties.
187
00:07:03,785 --> 00:07:04,817
Apparently, there's a kegger
188
00:07:04,819 --> 00:07:06,052
getting a little out of hand.
189
00:07:06,054 --> 00:07:07,453
Code 6.
I'll go write 'em up.
190
00:07:07,455 --> 00:07:09,288
Or we do this the easy way.
191
00:07:09,290 --> 00:07:11,290
My boy Josh lives in that dorm.
192
00:07:11,292 --> 00:07:13,226
He'll help me keep it mellow.
193
00:07:13,228 --> 00:07:14,994
Just write 'em up
and shut 'em down.
194
00:07:14,996 --> 00:07:16,829
Remember, Smith,
he's not your friend.
195
00:07:16,831 --> 00:07:18,297
Oh, yeah?
196
00:07:18,299 --> 00:07:20,266
Then why'd he swipe me
into the dining hall earlier?
197
00:07:20,268 --> 00:07:22,268
We mixed five cereals together,
198
00:07:22,270 --> 00:07:24,170
and now we're crunch brothers.
199
00:07:25,172 --> 00:07:28,474
[ Music playing ]
200
00:07:30,177 --> 00:07:31,511
Hey, dudes and dudettes,
201
00:07:31,513 --> 00:07:33,980
hate to be this guy,
but we got a call.
202
00:07:33,982 --> 00:07:35,281
I said we got a call.
203
00:07:35,283 --> 00:07:37,950
I'm gonna have to ask you
to turn it down.
204
00:07:37,952 --> 00:07:39,185
Hey, that you, Troy?
205
00:07:39,187 --> 00:07:40,920
Nope.
206
00:07:40,922 --> 00:07:43,222
I think it was.
207
00:07:43,224 --> 00:07:44,390
Josh!
208
00:07:44,392 --> 00:07:46,793
Hey! Officer Stan!
209
00:07:46,795 --> 00:07:48,027
Uncle Stan.
210
00:07:48,029 --> 00:07:49,162
Nice room.
211
00:07:49,164 --> 00:07:50,930
Dope mini fridge.
212
00:07:50,932 --> 00:07:52,231
We got one at H.Q.
213
00:07:52,233 --> 00:07:54,567
Fits three pepsis
and Elliot's insulin.
214
00:07:54,569 --> 00:07:56,936
Hey! Tina's here!
What up, Teenz?
215
00:07:56,938 --> 00:07:58,337
You here to party?
216
00:07:58,339 --> 00:08:00,339
In a way.
I'm here to stop this party.
217
00:08:00,341 --> 00:08:02,442
Come on, man.
Be cool.
218
00:08:02,444 --> 00:08:04,477
Yeah, Uncle Stan.
219
00:08:04,479 --> 00:08:06,479
All right, how 'bout we just turn the
music down? [ Volume decreases ]
220
00:08:06,481 --> 00:08:08,514
And maybe stop
drinking illegally.
221
00:08:08,516 --> 00:08:10,850
Or how 'bout
you get on your golf cart
222
00:08:10,852 --> 00:08:12,952
and, like, get out of here!
223
00:08:12,954 --> 00:08:14,487
[ Volume increases ]
224
00:08:14,489 --> 00:08:16,155
[ Volume decreases ]
225
00:08:16,157 --> 00:08:18,191
[ Volume increases ]
Don't touch my stuff, man!
226
00:08:18,193 --> 00:08:20,159
You don't touch your stuff
after I've touched your stuff,
227
00:08:20,161 --> 00:08:21,828
or I'll have to touch it again!
228
00:08:21,830 --> 00:08:24,964
[ Volume fluctuating ]
229
00:08:24,966 --> 00:08:27,033
That's it!
Music's going off!
230
00:08:28,335 --> 00:08:29,435
[ Music stops ]
[ Students gasp ]
231
00:08:29,437 --> 00:08:32,038
What have you done?!
My jambox!
232
00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:34,841
It was with me
the first time I kissed a girl,
233
00:08:34,843 --> 00:08:36,375
when I lost my virginity,
234
00:08:36,377 --> 00:08:38,311
when I experimented with Kyle!
235
00:08:38,313 --> 00:08:40,847
Josh!
Shut up, man!
236
00:08:40,849 --> 00:08:42,548
Oh, yeah,
real embarrassing, Kyle.
237
00:08:42,550 --> 00:08:45,952
You hooked up
with beautiful, green-eyed Josh.
238
00:08:47,588 --> 00:08:49,522
Finally --
I can sleep!
239
00:08:49,524 --> 00:08:51,124
Then do it, snitch!
240
00:08:54,261 --> 00:08:56,996
Consider that party busted.
241
00:08:56,998 --> 00:08:58,097
Nice going, Smith.
242
00:08:58,099 --> 00:08:59,866
How many citations you rack up?
243
00:08:59,868 --> 00:09:01,267
Well, none, actually.
244
00:09:01,269 --> 00:09:03,469
I dealt with them
more on a peer-to-peer level.
245
00:09:03,471 --> 00:09:05,972
Uh, sir, there's people
gathering in the quad.
246
00:09:05,974 --> 00:09:08,107
Okay, it's just some kids
from the party.
247
00:09:08,109 --> 00:09:10,543
They're probably here
to apologize.
248
00:09:10,545 --> 00:09:13,146
[ All chanting
"Camp sec sucks!" ]
249
00:09:13,148 --> 00:09:15,414
Looks like
we got ourselves a protest.
250
00:09:15,416 --> 00:09:18,151
All this over a stupid jambox?
251
00:09:18,153 --> 00:09:21,487
[ Chanting continues ]
252
00:09:21,489 --> 00:09:23,156
Can they hear me?
253
00:09:24,101 --> 00:09:26,336
[ All shouting ]
254
00:09:27,771 --> 00:09:29,339
Hey, everybody.
255
00:09:29,341 --> 00:09:31,508
Gather 'round uncle Stan
for a quick powwow.
256
00:09:31,510 --> 00:09:35,144
There he is -- the guy
who trashed Josh's place!
257
00:09:35,146 --> 00:09:36,846
[ Thinking ]
Oof. They sound pissed.
258
00:09:36,848 --> 00:09:38,448
Time to win 'em over
259
00:09:38,450 --> 00:09:40,717
with a littleWilly Wonka razzle-dazzle.
260
00:09:48,559 --> 00:09:49,792
Hey, you suck!
261
00:09:49,794 --> 00:09:51,461
Have you guys
not seen this movie?
262
00:09:51,463 --> 00:09:52,762
You ruined our party!
263
00:09:52,764 --> 00:09:54,464
And abused your authority!
264
00:09:54,466 --> 00:09:56,666
What?! I was trying
to be your bud!
265
00:09:56,668 --> 00:09:58,468
I'm cool Uncle Stan!
266
00:09:58,470 --> 00:09:59,669
Good with the frisbee.
267
00:09:59,671 --> 00:10:01,104
Here --
let's toss it around!
268
00:10:01,106 --> 00:10:01,804
Joshie!
269
00:10:01,806 --> 00:10:02,839
Josh, look out!
270
00:10:05,342 --> 00:10:06,676
[ All gasp ]
271
00:10:06,678 --> 00:10:08,578
You're okay.
You're okay.
272
00:10:09,580 --> 00:10:11,447
Waaaaaaaah!
273
00:10:11,449 --> 00:10:12,715
Brutality!
274
00:10:12,717 --> 00:10:14,183
[ Crying ]
275
00:10:14,185 --> 00:10:17,720
[ Students chanting
"Brutality!" ]
276
00:10:17,722 --> 00:10:19,355
[ Chanting ]
It's all good!
277
00:10:19,357 --> 00:10:20,590
It's all good!
278
00:10:20,592 --> 00:10:21,791
It's all good!
279
00:10:21,793 --> 00:10:23,826
[ Chanting continues ]
280
00:10:27,798 --> 00:10:30,199
[ Telephone ringing ]
281
00:10:30,201 --> 00:10:31,601
[ Roger snoring ]
282
00:10:31,603 --> 00:10:33,269
[ Grunts ]
283
00:10:33,271 --> 00:10:35,538
[ Smacks lips ]
284
00:10:35,540 --> 00:10:37,140
Uh-huh?
285
00:10:37,142 --> 00:10:39,609
Oh, dear.
I hope I haven't woken you.
286
00:10:39,611 --> 00:10:41,778
Of course not.
We are always here to serve.
287
00:10:41,780 --> 00:10:43,446
Mm. I'm feeling
a bit peckish.
288
00:10:43,448 --> 00:10:45,281
Could you have the kitchen
send up
289
00:10:45,283 --> 00:10:46,783
some bacon-wrapped
scallops?
290
00:10:46,785 --> 00:10:48,551
I'll get my chef right on it.
291
00:10:48,553 --> 00:10:50,720
And some lavender-scented
hand towels?
292
00:10:50,722 --> 00:10:52,522
I'll speak to the maids.
293
00:10:52,524 --> 00:10:54,657
Also, it's dark,
so I can't be sure,
294
00:10:54,659 --> 00:10:56,759
but the lawn looks a bit scruffy
295
00:10:56,761 --> 00:10:58,728
by the bristly dewberry bush.
296
00:10:58,730 --> 00:11:00,196
I'll check immediately.
297
00:11:00,198 --> 00:11:01,531
[ Receiver hangs up ]
298
00:11:01,533 --> 00:11:03,566
Who the [bleep] is this guy?
299
00:11:03,568 --> 00:11:05,268
[ Receiver hangs up ]
300
00:11:07,738 --> 00:11:09,238
I don't have scallops.
301
00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:11,441
A five-circle hotel
has everything!
302
00:11:11,443 --> 00:11:14,310
I guess I could mold tuna fish
into a little puck.
303
00:11:14,312 --> 00:11:16,746
Or -- or I could cut
a piece of hot dog off
304
00:11:16,748 --> 00:11:18,481
and cover it in fish oil.
305
00:11:18,483 --> 00:11:20,483
I don't care how you do it!
Just get it done!
306
00:11:22,386 --> 00:11:25,388
If you do the hot-dog way,
make one for me.
307
00:11:25,390 --> 00:11:26,889
Soak them in lavender oil.
308
00:11:26,891 --> 00:11:28,391
But that'll ruin them!
309
00:11:28,393 --> 00:11:30,259
With the $49 he's spending
for that room,
310
00:11:30,261 --> 00:11:32,362
you can buy all the towels
in the world!
311
00:11:33,397 --> 00:11:35,431
Did you get
by the dewberry bush?
312
00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:36,633
I have no idea.
313
00:11:36,635 --> 00:11:38,468
Just mow it all!
Mow everything!
314
00:11:38,470 --> 00:11:39,736
[ Door slams ]
315
00:11:39,738 --> 00:11:41,871
[ Panting ]
316
00:11:41,873 --> 00:11:44,474
Everything is on its way.
Enjoy your evening.
317
00:11:44,476 --> 00:11:45,742
One more thing.
318
00:11:45,744 --> 00:11:48,211
I like to read
before I go to sleep.
319
00:11:48,213 --> 00:11:51,280
Tonight, I'm in the mood
for a Charles Dickens novel...
320
00:11:51,282 --> 00:11:52,715
set in space...
321
00:11:52,717 --> 00:11:55,852
featuring the animals
from the "Madagascar" films.
322
00:11:57,488 --> 00:11:59,594
Tell him it's rough,
but the bones are there.
323
00:12:00,106 --> 00:12:00,954
Good morning.
324
00:12:01,074 --> 00:12:03,459
I'm Greg Corbin
here at Groff Community College,
325
00:12:03,461 --> 00:12:05,561
where a seed of protestplanted last night
326
00:12:05,563 --> 00:12:08,598
has floweredand is now bearing angry fruit.
327
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:11,801
You know, if we fight 'em,
it'll be a hell of a battle.
328
00:12:11,803 --> 00:12:13,269
There's not gonna be a battle.
329
00:12:13,271 --> 00:12:14,504
Looks like we're doin' a battle.
330
00:12:14,506 --> 00:12:16,339
Just got off the horn
with the chancellor.
331
00:12:16,341 --> 00:12:19,175
Got to clear 'em out before
it turns into a P.R. nightmare.
332
00:12:19,177 --> 00:12:20,843
Did he authorize
excessive force?
333
00:12:20,845 --> 00:12:22,445
He explicitly forbade it.
334
00:12:22,447 --> 00:12:24,447
But there was a wink
in his voice.
335
00:12:24,449 --> 00:12:26,315
Yeah! All right! All right!
336
00:12:26,317 --> 00:12:29,352
[ All chanting
"Camp sec sucks!" ]
337
00:12:30,487 --> 00:12:32,422
Everyone got their riot gear on?
338
00:12:32,424 --> 00:12:33,723
This isn't real gear.
339
00:12:33,725 --> 00:12:35,958
It says "Property
of Theater Department."
340
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,227
What -- are you afraid
of the theater department?
341
00:12:38,229 --> 00:12:39,595
No, that wasn't my point at all.
342
00:12:39,597 --> 00:12:41,197
Now get over here and arm up!
343
00:12:41,199 --> 00:12:42,665
We got zip cuffs, pepper spray,
344
00:12:42,667 --> 00:12:44,801
and some stuff we found
on the fraternity lawns
345
00:12:44,803 --> 00:12:46,002
after pledge week.
346
00:12:46,004 --> 00:12:47,704
Some of it's pretty badass.
347
00:12:49,673 --> 00:12:51,741
[ Clatter ]
348
00:12:51,743 --> 00:12:53,609
[ Laughter ]
349
00:12:53,611 --> 00:12:55,478
No way!
A "Scarface" poster!
350
00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:57,480
I know just where
I'm putting this.
351
00:12:57,482 --> 00:13:01,217
[ As Tony Montana ] Say hello
to my little basement apartment.
352
00:13:01,219 --> 00:13:02,685
Look at these fools.
353
00:13:02,687 --> 00:13:04,687
I feel likeI'm watching "Paul Blart,"
354
00:13:04,689 --> 00:13:06,577
except I'm not peeing myselfwith laughter.
355
00:13:06,888 --> 00:13:08,121
Hey, check it out, cap.
356
00:13:08,123 --> 00:13:09,356
I can force this
down their throats
357
00:13:09,358 --> 00:13:10,457
and pump 'em full of air!
358
00:13:10,459 --> 00:13:11,958
Nice!
359
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:13,426
Let's see how long
this protest lasts
360
00:13:13,428 --> 00:13:15,328
when they see their friends
popping like blisters.
361
00:13:15,330 --> 00:13:17,397
Whoa. Guys,
we're not gonna hurt anyone.
362
00:13:17,399 --> 00:13:19,532
We're just gonna project
strength and authority,
363
00:13:19,534 --> 00:13:21,868
and the kids will all go back
to their dorms.
364
00:13:21,870 --> 00:13:24,037
Right. Right, right,
right, right, right, right.
365
00:13:24,039 --> 00:13:25,605
To war!
366
00:13:25,607 --> 00:13:27,607
Whoo-hoo!
Yee-ha!
367
00:13:27,609 --> 00:13:30,276
[ Students shouting ]
368
00:13:30,278 --> 00:13:32,045
Fan out in a line!
369
00:13:33,147 --> 00:13:36,616
No, no! Like a chorus line!
A chorus line!
370
00:13:36,618 --> 00:13:39,085
Now you're lookin'
like warriors!
371
00:13:39,087 --> 00:13:40,553
[ Amplified ]
Disperse immediately,
372
00:13:40,555 --> 00:13:43,556
or we will disperse you
by any means necessary!
373
00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:47,327
Oh, boy, these kidsneed cool Uncle Stan
374
00:13:47,329 --> 00:13:49,129
to stop this from getting ugly.
375
00:13:49,131 --> 00:13:52,365
Students, listen to me!
Your safety is at stake!
376
00:13:52,367 --> 00:13:53,900
He's threatening us!
377
00:13:53,902 --> 00:13:55,201
No, they are!
378
00:13:55,203 --> 00:13:56,436
They've got a green light
to use force,
379
00:13:56,438 --> 00:13:58,204
and they're looking
for an excuse!
380
00:13:58,206 --> 00:14:01,141
Go ahead and try it!
We're documenting everything.
381
00:14:01,143 --> 00:14:02,375
She's documenting me!
382
00:14:02,377 --> 00:14:04,144
I feel like
I got to do something, man!
383
00:14:04,146 --> 00:14:05,211
Gimme that!
384
00:14:05,213 --> 00:14:07,147
See? These guys
are gonna panic!
385
00:14:07,149 --> 00:14:09,582
They're not trained for this!
They're just campus security!
386
00:14:09,584 --> 00:14:11,151
So are you!
387
00:14:11,153 --> 00:14:12,719
Well, it's really
more of a vacation for me.
388
00:14:12,721 --> 00:14:14,621
Woman:
You're lying to yourself!
389
00:14:14,623 --> 00:14:17,123
Okay, it's not fair to say that,
'cause you don't really know me.
390
00:14:17,125 --> 00:14:18,324
Man:
I know you're a dummy!
391
00:14:18,326 --> 00:14:19,759
Whoa! Hey!
392
00:14:19,761 --> 00:14:21,361
There's -- there's no need
for name-calling.
393
00:14:21,363 --> 00:14:22,996
Captain:
Smith, are you okay?
394
00:14:22,998 --> 00:14:25,198
You're responding to
every single thing the mob says.
395
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:27,400
I got this.
I got this.
396
00:14:27,402 --> 00:14:29,969
Eat a doughnut, you dick!
397
00:14:32,006 --> 00:14:33,239
Josh: Hey, Stan!
398
00:14:35,276 --> 00:14:42,248
[ Slow-motion ]
You're...not...a...cool...uncle.
399
00:14:42,250 --> 00:14:44,551
[ Slow-motion ] Jo-o-o-sh!
400
00:14:44,553 --> 00:14:49,389
N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!
401
00:14:49,391 --> 00:14:55,662
You're
a l-a-a-a-a-a-a-me uncle!
402
00:14:57,565 --> 00:15:02,569
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
403
00:15:02,571 --> 00:15:05,338
[ "The Blue Danube" plays ]
404
00:15:09,276 --> 00:15:12,011
[ Air hissing rhythmically ]
405
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:18,518
[ Students screaming ]
406
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:22,422
[ Music continues ]
407
00:15:27,261 --> 00:15:29,295
What did you do, Stan?!
408
00:15:29,297 --> 00:15:32,665
[ Students groaning, crying ]
409
00:15:32,667 --> 00:15:34,267
[ Voice breaking ]
What did I do?
410
00:15:37,267 --> 00:15:39,287
You did it, Stan!
You're a hero!
411
00:15:39,407 --> 00:15:40,002
I am?
412
00:15:40,084 --> 00:15:41,550
The way you picked yourself up
413
00:15:41,552 --> 00:15:43,552
and somehow got everyone
to go back to their dorms --
414
00:15:43,554 --> 00:15:45,120
amazing work.
415
00:15:45,122 --> 00:15:47,489
Hi. I'm the chancellor
of this university.
416
00:15:47,491 --> 00:15:50,058
I'm also Olympic gold medalist
Mark Spitz.
417
00:15:50,060 --> 00:15:51,660
Oh, my God!
Mark Spitz!
418
00:15:51,662 --> 00:15:53,228
Easy, child.
419
00:15:53,230 --> 00:15:55,263
I'd like to bestow upon you
our highest honor --
420
00:15:55,265 --> 00:15:56,632
my mustache.
421
00:15:58,501 --> 00:15:59,401
Ah-choo!
422
00:16:01,437 --> 00:16:03,238
Aah!
423
00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:05,741
Uh...I'm still unconscious,
aren't I?
424
00:16:05,743 --> 00:16:07,476
One more level to go.
425
00:16:07,478 --> 00:16:08,543
[ Grunts ]
426
00:16:08,545 --> 00:16:10,646
[ Students shouting ]
427
00:16:10,648 --> 00:16:12,314
What a shitstorm.
428
00:16:12,316 --> 00:16:14,483
Oh, man,
I can't believe I lost it.
429
00:16:14,485 --> 00:16:16,618
It's just,
I thought we were friends,
430
00:16:16,620 --> 00:16:19,788
[ voice breaking ] and they said
such terrible things.
431
00:16:19,790 --> 00:16:22,824
That's why we told you not
to get close to the students!
432
00:16:22,826 --> 00:16:25,560
First, I realize
that I didn't meet Mark Spitz,
433
00:16:25,562 --> 00:16:27,429
and now an "I told you so"?
434
00:16:27,431 --> 00:16:28,764
I'm sorry.
You're right.
435
00:16:28,766 --> 00:16:30,766
We don't single people out
for blame around here.
436
00:16:30,768 --> 00:16:32,401
In fact,
we're gonna go out there
437
00:16:32,403 --> 00:16:34,803
and show everybody
that we stand together on this.
438
00:16:34,805 --> 00:16:36,538
Thank you.
439
00:16:36,540 --> 00:16:38,707
I apologize for calling
your entire unit unprofessional.
440
00:16:38,709 --> 00:16:40,342
You did?
441
00:16:40,344 --> 00:16:41,576
I thought I did.
I mean to say it.
442
00:16:41,578 --> 00:16:43,311
Apology accepted.
443
00:16:43,313 --> 00:16:45,547
Now, before we go out there,
let's take off our riot gear.
444
00:16:45,549 --> 00:16:47,849
Great. That way, they'll know
we come in peace.
445
00:16:47,851 --> 00:16:50,318
Actually, we have to get it back
to the theater department.
446
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,688
They're doing a musical
production of "New Jack City."
447
00:16:52,690 --> 00:16:53,855
I'd like to see that.
448
00:16:53,857 --> 00:16:56,525
You can.
It is not sold out.
449
00:16:58,528 --> 00:17:00,796
I trust
we met your expectations?
450
00:17:00,798 --> 00:17:02,831
I confess, I had my doubts,
451
00:17:02,833 --> 00:17:05,667
but in the end,
you passed my every test.
452
00:17:05,669 --> 00:17:08,537
Would you say
you had a five-circle visit?
453
00:17:08,539 --> 00:17:10,472
I...would.
454
00:17:10,474 --> 00:17:12,674
You should all be proud.
455
00:17:12,676 --> 00:17:14,176
Man: Mr. Cavendish!
456
00:17:14,178 --> 00:17:16,178
Ah. That would be
my car.
457
00:17:16,180 --> 00:17:19,514
Again, well done, all of you.
458
00:17:19,516 --> 00:17:20,549
I get my room back!
459
00:17:20,551 --> 00:17:21,650
We did it!
460
00:17:21,652 --> 00:17:23,285
We came together,
461
00:17:23,287 --> 00:17:25,287
kept my perfect rating,
and made enough money
462
00:17:25,289 --> 00:17:27,823
to save our coconut
wa-a-a-a-it a second.
463
00:17:27,825 --> 00:17:29,458
Did he pay anyone?
464
00:17:29,460 --> 00:17:32,427
Steve: Aaaaaaaaah!
Oh, my God!
465
00:17:32,429 --> 00:17:35,697
That man
crapped all over my room!
466
00:17:35,699 --> 00:17:36,932
[ Door opens ]
467
00:17:36,934 --> 00:17:38,900
It's back to the nut house
for you.
468
00:17:38,902 --> 00:17:43,405
Now, this is
five-circle service.
469
00:17:43,407 --> 00:17:45,540
Steve:
It's everywhere!
470
00:17:45,542 --> 00:17:49,678
I know it's his 'cause there's
hot-dog pieces in it!
471
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:51,646
Captain:
Let's do this, Stan!
472
00:17:51,648 --> 00:17:53,715
So, uh, who's gonna talk first?
473
00:17:53,717 --> 00:17:54,983
There he is!
474
00:17:54,985 --> 00:17:56,284
That's the guy
who sprayed everyone!
475
00:17:56,286 --> 00:17:57,319
[ Amplified ] You're fired.
476
00:17:57,321 --> 00:17:58,787
[ Door slams ]
477
00:17:58,789 --> 00:18:01,323
This man is no longer affiliated
with the university.
478
00:18:01,325 --> 00:18:02,324
[ Door slams ]
479
00:18:02,326 --> 00:18:03,191
Get him.
480
00:18:03,193 --> 00:18:04,226
[ Door slams ]
481
00:18:04,228 --> 00:18:05,660
Let's rip him apart!
482
00:18:05,662 --> 00:18:07,929
Wait! Wait, wait, wait!
I can explain everything!
483
00:18:07,931 --> 00:18:10,999
Man: Let's hear him out!
Some of us got here late!
484
00:18:12,401 --> 00:18:13,835
Thank you!
485
00:18:13,837 --> 00:18:17,205
The explanation
for why I did what I did is...
486
00:18:17,207 --> 00:18:18,206
in my car!
487
00:18:18,208 --> 00:18:19,641
May I go to my car?
488
00:18:19,643 --> 00:18:21,409
That sounds reasonable.
489
00:18:21,411 --> 00:18:23,345
Let him go to his car!
490
00:18:23,347 --> 00:18:25,947
[ Chanting ]
Let! Him! Go to his car!
491
00:18:25,949 --> 00:18:27,449
Crowd: [ Chanting ]
Let! Him --
492
00:18:27,451 --> 00:18:28,550
No, no, wait!
493
00:18:28,552 --> 00:18:30,619
He can use his car to get away!
494
00:18:30,621 --> 00:18:31,887
Cars go!
495
00:18:31,889 --> 00:18:34,389
Oh, my God!
He was really tricky there!
496
00:18:34,391 --> 00:18:36,391
[ Indistinct conversations ]
497
00:18:36,393 --> 00:18:38,326
I'm sorry for what happened,
498
00:18:38,328 --> 00:18:40,595
but the guy you're angry at --
he's gone.
499
00:18:40,597 --> 00:18:42,898
He disappeared
with the badge and uniform.
500
00:18:42,900 --> 00:18:46,368
You see, sometimes
when you change on the outside,
501
00:18:46,370 --> 00:18:47,969
you change on the inside.
502
00:18:47,971 --> 00:18:50,372
That doesn't mean
you didn't make mistakes.
503
00:18:50,374 --> 00:18:51,673
But you learn from them.
504
00:18:51,675 --> 00:18:53,675
Just as I've learned
from all of you.
505
00:18:53,677 --> 00:18:55,710
And isn't that
what college is about?
506
00:18:55,712 --> 00:18:56,978
Learning.
507
00:18:56,980 --> 00:18:58,380
Friendship.
508
00:18:58,382 --> 00:18:59,481
The dorms.
509
00:18:59,483 --> 00:19:00,682
The health center.
510
00:19:00,684 --> 00:19:02,884
Hold on!
He's just saying stuff!
511
00:19:02,886 --> 00:19:05,420
Yeah! He's still trying
to get to his car!
512
00:19:05,422 --> 00:19:06,421
Stop him!
513
00:19:06,423 --> 00:19:07,789
[ Students shouting ]
514
00:19:07,791 --> 00:19:09,424
[ Helicopter blades whirring ]
515
00:19:09,426 --> 00:19:12,694
Agent Smith, would you like
some toast with your jam?
516
00:19:14,730 --> 00:19:15,897
Ha! Suck it!
517
00:19:15,899 --> 00:19:18,266
Bring me up!
518
00:19:18,268 --> 00:19:20,602
Up!
Up, up, up, up, up!
519
00:19:20,604 --> 00:19:21,837
What are you waiting for?!
520
00:19:21,839 --> 00:19:23,004
Your signal, of course.
521
00:19:23,006 --> 00:19:24,306
I'm saying "Up"!
522
00:19:24,308 --> 00:19:26,775
Oh. "Up" is the signal
for "Up" now?
523
00:19:26,777 --> 00:19:28,877
[ Scoffs ] Not very covert.
524
00:19:28,879 --> 00:19:31,580
[ Shouting continues ]
525
00:19:32,548 --> 00:19:34,449
Smith, I saw you on the news.
526
00:19:34,451 --> 00:19:36,484
You really made a hash
of things.
527
00:19:36,486 --> 00:19:39,487
I know. This was supposed to be
a super-chill gig.
528
00:19:39,489 --> 00:19:41,489
And it would've been
if I hadn't tried to be friends
529
00:19:41,491 --> 00:19:42,991
with all these damn kids.
530
00:19:42,993 --> 00:19:46,628
Smith, kids don't want
to be friends with old farts.
531
00:19:46,630 --> 00:19:49,965
They wanted to par-tay,
and you pepper-sprayed them.
532
00:19:49,967 --> 00:19:53,969
What say we spray them with
something a little more fun?
533
00:19:53,971 --> 00:19:56,805
Fire up the tequila cannon!
534
00:19:56,807 --> 00:19:59,341
On loan from Se?or Frog's.
535
00:19:59,343 --> 00:20:02,911
They have several
of our hellfire missiles.
536
00:20:02,913 --> 00:20:05,580
[ Dance music plays ]
537
00:20:11,787 --> 00:20:14,522
Oh, and good news, Smith --
you got your job back!
538
00:20:14,524 --> 00:20:16,524
I took another look
at the budget,
539
00:20:16,526 --> 00:20:19,394
and I couldn't believe
how much money we were wasting
540
00:20:19,396 --> 00:20:20,929
on helicopter maintenance.
541
00:20:26,736 --> 00:20:28,670
[ All cheering ]
542
00:20:28,672 --> 00:20:30,839
Steve: Oh, God!
543
00:20:30,841 --> 00:20:34,142
It's between the mattress
and the box spring!
544
00:20:34,144 --> 00:20:36,678
It's smushed into the outlets!
545
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,680
It's under the carpet!
546
00:20:38,682 --> 00:20:40,682
It's in my DVD tray!
547
00:20:40,684 --> 00:20:42,751
It's trying to play it!
548
00:20:42,753 --> 00:20:44,753
It's where the batteries
are supposed to be
549
00:20:44,755 --> 00:20:46,788
inside my smoke detector!
550
00:20:46,790 --> 00:20:49,824
It's between
every page of my books!
551
00:20:50,104 --> 00:20:52,838
It looks like
my pillow is in my pillowcase,
552
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:54,633
but it is not!
553
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:59,852
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
554
00:20:59,902 --> 00:21:04,452
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
39650
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