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1
00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:03,236
(upbeat march plays)
2
00:00:03,238 --> 00:00:05,838
Good morning, USA!
3
00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:09,809
I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day
4
00:00:09,811 --> 00:00:12,779
The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face
5
00:00:12,781 --> 00:00:17,417
And he's shining a salute
to the American race
6
00:00:19,086 --> 00:00:22,588
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
7
00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:24,524
Good morning, USA
8
00:00:24,526 --> 00:00:26,225
Aah!
9
00:00:27,328 --> 00:00:30,730
Good morning, USA!
10
00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:36,102
Oh, Stan...
11
00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:38,638
I love having date night on a Tuesday.
12
00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:42,141
And it's Taco Tuesday, where
all the tacos are two for one.
13
00:00:42,143 --> 00:00:43,176
(laughs)
14
00:00:43,178 --> 00:00:45,611
Your frugality is so sexy.
15
00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:47,146
(whispering):
I brought a garbage bag
16
00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:48,715
that we can fill with chips.
17
00:00:48,717 --> 00:00:51,317
You know, maybe with
all the money we're saving
18
00:00:51,319 --> 00:00:54,654
on Mexican food, we can
finally buy a new couch.
19
00:00:54,656 --> 00:00:57,223
Too many animals have
given birth on the old one.
20
00:00:57,225 --> 00:00:58,958
Stan...?
21
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:00,259
Are you listening?
22
00:01:02,129 --> 00:01:03,329
Yeah, uh...
23
00:01:03,331 --> 00:01:05,531
I was, I was just looking at, uh...
24
00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:07,033
the-the alcohol.
25
00:01:07,035 --> 00:01:09,402
H-H-Have they always
served hard alcohol here?
26
00:01:09,404 --> 00:01:12,572
Stan, you have two Jack
and Cokes in front of you.
27
00:01:12,574 --> 00:01:15,308
You get them every time we come here.
28
00:01:15,310 --> 00:01:16,709
Jack is alcohol?!
29
00:01:16,711 --> 00:01:18,511
(laughs): Why, I always
thought it was slang.
30
00:01:18,513 --> 00:01:21,781
Like, "That soda be so cheap
you Jack and Coke, son."
31
00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:29,522
You just couldn't keep your eyes off
32
00:01:29,524 --> 00:01:31,224
that slutty bartender, could you?
33
00:01:31,226 --> 00:01:32,558
Wait, what?!
34
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:33,993
Are you just guessing that she's slutty,
35
00:01:33,995 --> 00:01:36,555
or have you heard something?
36
00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:38,998
(brakes squeak)
37
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:40,333
Well, we're in the driveway
38
00:01:40,335 --> 00:01:42,168
and that's where all conversations end.
39
00:01:42,170 --> 00:01:44,871
I'm gonna go deal with
the B-side of Taco Tuesday.
40
00:01:44,873 --> 00:01:46,172
See you at sex later?
41
00:01:50,077 --> 00:01:51,544
(laughs) Wednesday morning,
42
00:01:51,546 --> 00:01:53,413
that means Stan's fresh off date night.
43
00:01:53,415 --> 00:01:54,680
Come on, spill it!
44
00:01:54,682 --> 00:01:55,882
All right. Highlight:
45
00:01:55,884 --> 00:01:58,284
Successfully passed an expired coupon.
46
00:01:58,286 --> 00:01:59,519
Nice!
The master!
47
00:01:59,521 --> 00:02:01,254
Keeping it cheap!
48
00:02:01,256 --> 00:02:03,389
Lowlight: Francine
almost busted me
49
00:02:03,391 --> 00:02:05,091
checking out this hot girl's boobs.
50
00:02:05,093 --> 00:02:07,093
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
You can't get caught looking.
51
00:02:07,095 --> 00:02:08,795
Yeah, man.
Women talk.
52
00:02:08,797 --> 00:02:11,097
If my girlfriend hears
you're checking out other women,
53
00:02:11,099 --> 00:02:13,032
she'll realize I do it too.
54
00:02:13,034 --> 00:02:14,400
Guys, guys, relax.
55
00:02:14,402 --> 00:02:15,968
I covered it with an excuse
56
00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:17,804
and even agreed to go
couch shopping at the mall.
57
00:02:17,806 --> 00:02:19,105
The mall?!
58
00:02:19,107 --> 00:02:20,940
That place is crawling with hot chicks.
59
00:02:20,942 --> 00:02:23,743
So, I'll just play it safe
and not look at any women.
60
00:02:23,745 --> 00:02:25,278
No, you can still look.
61
00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:27,213
You just gotta learn to rubberneck.
62
00:02:27,215 --> 00:02:28,748
"Rubberneck?"
What's that?
63
00:02:28,750 --> 00:02:31,651
We'll tell you, but you
gotta keep it a secret.
64
00:02:31,653 --> 00:02:34,654
Women can never find out
about rubbernecking.
65
00:02:34,656 --> 00:02:37,023
New black intern:
Kick it.
66
00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:41,127
(needle scratches, hip hop music begins)
67
00:02:41,129 --> 00:02:44,730
Rubbernecking is the art of
checking out women on the sly.
68
00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:48,234
And if you do it right,
you'll never get caught.
69
00:02:48,236 --> 00:02:49,335
(rapping):
Well...
70
00:02:49,337 --> 00:02:50,470
My name's Mcgee
71
00:02:50,472 --> 00:02:51,604
And soon you'll see
72
00:02:51,606 --> 00:02:52,638
If you wanna rubberneck
73
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:53,840
Just listen to me
74
00:02:53,842 --> 00:02:55,508
Because a peek don't hurt
75
00:02:55,510 --> 00:02:56,943
If you wanna scout skirt,
you have to be covert
76
00:02:56,945 --> 00:02:58,145
Listen up, you squirt
77
00:02:58,146 --> 00:02:59,612
Well, my name is Jackson
78
00:02:59,614 --> 00:03:00,780
My technique's the purest
79
00:03:00,782 --> 00:03:02,014
When I wanna scout girls
80
00:03:02,016 --> 00:03:04,016
I pretend I'm a tourist
81
00:03:04,018 --> 00:03:05,818
You look around like you're super lost
82
00:03:05,820 --> 00:03:08,588
Hold up a map, now you're
peeking like a boss.
83
00:03:08,590 --> 00:03:12,425
Yeah... I guess when I'm lost,
I do look everywhere.
84
00:03:12,427 --> 00:03:14,660
My name is Sanders and I don't lie
85
00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:16,028
The best way to peek
86
00:03:16,030 --> 00:03:17,630
Say there's
something in your eye.
87
00:03:17,632 --> 00:03:19,198
Wow... smooth.
88
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,867
Well, my name is Tiny Dick
89
00:03:20,869 --> 00:03:22,034
And I have a little trick
90
00:03:22,036 --> 00:03:23,269
To look at a lady
91
00:03:23,271 --> 00:03:24,370
So she don't think I'm shady
92
00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:25,538
I pretend that I'm dead
93
00:03:25,540 --> 00:03:26,706
And I lie on a gurney
94
00:03:26,708 --> 00:03:28,174
When the nurses come up
95
00:03:28,176 --> 00:03:29,509
I do the Weekend at Bernie's
96
00:03:29,511 --> 00:03:31,677
Never forget, women like to judge
97
00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:33,679
Go on, give that cattiness a nudge
98
00:03:33,681 --> 00:03:35,882
So tell your woman that you hate a girl
99
00:03:35,884 --> 00:03:38,518
And you can stare while
all that hate unfurls.
100
00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:42,288
Ah... hey, Francine,
look at that terrible outfit.
101
00:03:43,524 --> 00:03:45,358
Yeah, she looks like a hooker.
102
00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:47,493
(echoing):
Hooker, hooker, hooker...
103
00:03:47,495 --> 00:03:49,729
When you wanna take a look,
hold up a book
104
00:03:49,731 --> 00:03:52,131
A newspaper will do
to look at some boobs
105
00:03:52,133 --> 00:03:54,133
I think you're ready to join the crew
106
00:03:54,135 --> 00:03:55,968
Because you're rubbernecking
107
00:03:55,970 --> 00:03:57,169
With the best
108
00:03:57,171 --> 00:03:59,238
Rubbernecking with the best
109
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:00,573
Because you're rubbernecking
110
00:04:00,575 --> 00:04:01,807
With the best
111
00:04:01,809 --> 00:04:03,543
Rubbernecking with the best.
112
00:04:03,545 --> 00:04:04,977
(song ends)
113
00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:13,152
New couch!
114
00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:15,154
Klaus, get in here!
115
00:04:15,156 --> 00:04:17,857
(clinking against fish bowl)
116
00:04:17,859 --> 00:04:19,325
This better be important.
117
00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:21,027
I'm crank calling my aunt in D?sseldorf.
118
00:04:21,029 --> 00:04:22,361
(gasps) She's on.
119
00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:23,362
(deep voice):
I'm going to kill you.
120
00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:24,363
I'm going to kill you.
121
00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:25,231
(phone beeps)
122
00:04:25,233 --> 00:04:26,432
Okay, what now?
123
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:29,402
(gasps) A new couch!
124
00:04:29,404 --> 00:04:31,404
It feels like I'm floating.
125
00:04:31,406 --> 00:04:34,507
Well, I took a long enough
lunch; better go back to work.
126
00:04:34,509 --> 00:04:35,908
Listen, Stan...
127
00:04:35,910 --> 00:04:38,611
I'm sorry I got so paranoid last night.
128
00:04:38,613 --> 00:04:41,347
There were beautiful women
all over the mall today
129
00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:42,715
and you didn't even notice.
130
00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:44,383
You're talking about that redhead, right?
131
00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:47,987
Either way, you should know
I only have eyes for you.
132
00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,592
You know, Klaus,
133
00:04:52,594 --> 00:04:54,894
I've been saving something
for an occasion just like this.
134
00:04:54,896 --> 00:04:58,097
This bottle of wine was
a gift from Julia Child...
135
00:04:58,099 --> 00:04:59,532
to Liz Taylor.
136
00:04:59,534 --> 00:05:02,094
I stole it when I worked
at the post office.
137
00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:06,305
Yes, red wine, the deepest
staining of all the wines.
138
00:05:06,307 --> 00:05:07,873
To our new couch.
139
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:11,978
Ah, that was a terrible toast.
140
00:05:11,980 --> 00:05:13,212
Could've been about any couch.
141
00:05:13,214 --> 00:05:14,380
Let's try again.
142
00:05:14,382 --> 00:05:17,049
To our new, pristine, white couch.
143
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:23,155
Blech! Ooh! It's turned.
144
00:05:23,157 --> 00:05:24,790
That is bad wine.
145
00:05:24,792 --> 00:05:26,325
That is real bad wine.
146
00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:27,994
Never keep wine in the car.
147
00:05:27,996 --> 00:05:29,929
I knew it and I did it anyway.
148
00:05:29,931 --> 00:05:31,464
Oh, no, the couch.
149
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:34,767
The cushions are sewn in.
150
00:05:34,769 --> 00:05:35,768
We can't flip them.
151
00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:37,737
(gasps) Stan will kill us!
152
00:05:37,739 --> 00:05:39,605
What are we gonna do?!
153
00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:41,574
We'll just have to sit here forever.
154
00:05:41,576 --> 00:05:43,509
That's brilliant!
155
00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:47,346
Oh, isn't it crazy how worried
we were a moment ago?
156
00:05:54,421 --> 00:05:56,856
Well, hello, hot jogger.
157
00:05:56,858 --> 00:05:58,791
Rubbernecking...
158
00:05:58,793 --> 00:06:00,960
Might as well get some
photo proof for the boys
159
00:06:00,962 --> 00:06:02,094
while I'm here.
160
00:06:02,096 --> 00:06:03,329
Not doing anything wrong.
161
00:06:03,331 --> 00:06:04,797
Just looking for a signal.
162
00:06:04,799 --> 00:06:06,432
Definitely not zooming in to see
163
00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:08,100
if you're wearing underpants.
164
00:06:11,638 --> 00:06:14,273
Some from the back
and don't forget the rack.
165
00:06:14,275 --> 00:06:15,875
(crashing)
166
00:06:21,348 --> 00:06:23,649
Damn it, if Francine finds out I crashed
167
00:06:23,651 --> 00:06:25,384
because I was rubbernecking,
I'm a dead man.
168
00:06:25,386 --> 00:06:27,787
Ah...! My back hurts
169
00:06:27,789 --> 00:06:29,288
and I used to have a great back!
170
00:06:29,290 --> 00:06:30,723
What the hell were you looking at?
171
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,994
Uh, uh, nothing.
I must've lingered on a blink.
172
00:06:34,996 --> 00:06:37,229
(gasps) Are you okay?
173
00:06:37,231 --> 00:06:38,464
Do you need help?
174
00:06:38,466 --> 00:06:40,466
Get out of here!
You've done enough!
175
00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:49,041
Nice.
176
00:06:58,186 --> 00:07:00,121
Oh, my God, what happened to you?!
177
00:07:00,123 --> 00:07:02,924
Oh, I got in a car accident,
Francine, but don't worry,
178
00:07:02,926 --> 00:07:04,525
luckily I've had enough time to remember
179
00:07:04,527 --> 00:07:06,093
the exact truth of what happened.
180
00:07:06,095 --> 00:07:08,696
Oh, you poor thing.
Come rest your bloody head
181
00:07:08,698 --> 00:07:10,231
right here underneath where I'm sitting.
182
00:07:10,233 --> 00:07:12,433
You see, I was driving responsibly
183
00:07:12,435 --> 00:07:15,603
with my eyes on the road,
when a dog jumped out.
184
00:07:15,605 --> 00:07:17,571
I saved his life by swerving.
185
00:07:17,573 --> 00:07:19,407
He made eye contact as he ran away.
186
00:07:19,409 --> 00:07:22,043
No words exchanged,
he wasn't a talking dog,
187
00:07:22,045 --> 00:07:25,279
but in that moment,
I knew he thought me a hero.
188
00:07:25,281 --> 00:07:28,049
Well, come on.
With a head trauma like this,
189
00:07:28,051 --> 00:07:29,717
you should get right into bed.
190
00:07:29,719 --> 00:07:34,055
It's like they say, "Starve a
fever, sleep a concussion."
191
00:07:38,393 --> 00:07:39,593
(groans) How'd you sleep?
192
00:07:39,595 --> 00:07:41,262
Ugh, lousy.
193
00:07:41,264 --> 00:07:42,630
Do I have tank head?
194
00:07:42,632 --> 00:07:44,498
Did you guys spend the night on the couch?
195
00:07:44,500 --> 00:07:45,633
Uh... yes.
196
00:07:45,635 --> 00:07:47,168
We are, um...
197
00:07:47,170 --> 00:07:50,271
trying to set the world record
for longest continuous
198
00:07:50,273 --> 00:07:52,473
couch-sitting
in Smith household history.
199
00:07:52,475 --> 00:07:53,574
(whispering):
Good one, Klaus.
200
00:07:53,576 --> 00:07:55,409
(doorbell rings)
201
00:07:55,411 --> 00:07:57,912
Mr. Smith,
my name is Heinrich Brown.
202
00:07:57,914 --> 00:07:59,080
Okay!
203
00:07:59,082 --> 00:08:00,781
I'm from your insurance company
204
00:08:00,783 --> 00:08:02,650
and I'm here to review
the details of your accident.
205
00:08:02,652 --> 00:08:04,318
(dramatic music stinger plays)
206
00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:06,487
Anyway, I was hoping to talk to you
207
00:08:06,489 --> 00:08:09,190
about exactly how your accident went down.
208
00:08:09,192 --> 00:08:10,591
Of course!
Of cour... of course.
209
00:08:10,593 --> 00:08:11,659
Come in. Come in.
210
00:08:11,661 --> 00:08:14,462
Hope you like nothin', 'cause
that's what I got to hide.
211
00:08:14,464 --> 00:08:16,197
(nervous laugh) Hey, do you mind
if we meet in the kitchen?
212
00:08:16,199 --> 00:08:18,833
My-my fish,
and this, uh...
213
00:08:18,835 --> 00:08:21,969
little girl are trying to set
a couch-sitting record.
214
00:08:21,971 --> 00:08:23,504
(Southern accent):
You don't remember me?
215
00:08:23,506 --> 00:08:25,206
I'm Jean-Louise Finch.
216
00:08:25,208 --> 00:08:28,609
You brought us some molasses
one foggy morning, remember?
217
00:08:30,145 --> 00:08:33,280
So... yeah, let's-let's
go to the kitchen.
218
00:08:33,282 --> 00:08:35,816
(gulping)
219
00:08:35,818 --> 00:08:38,119
Thank you once more for this delicious...
220
00:08:38,121 --> 00:08:39,854
glass of milk.
221
00:08:39,856 --> 00:08:42,690
Now, Mr. Smith, before I start,
I want to remind you
222
00:08:42,692 --> 00:08:44,959
that insurance fraud is a felony,
223
00:08:44,961 --> 00:08:47,061
punishable by serious jail time.
224
00:08:47,063 --> 00:08:48,329
(gulps nervously)
225
00:08:48,331 --> 00:08:50,364
Your sworn statement says you swerved
226
00:08:50,366 --> 00:08:52,533
because a dog jumped in front of your car?
227
00:08:52,535 --> 00:08:54,468
Are you sure that's
what caused the accident?
228
00:08:54,470 --> 00:08:56,137
Why wouldn't he be sure?
229
00:08:56,139 --> 00:08:57,638
I don't know, Mrs. Smith.
230
00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:00,474
It's not my job to know
what caused the accident.
231
00:09:00,476 --> 00:09:02,543
It's my job to find out.
232
00:09:02,545 --> 00:09:05,079
And then, after that... to know.
233
00:09:09,751 --> 00:09:13,587
He keeps drinking, but there's
always the same amount of milk!
234
00:09:17,592 --> 00:09:19,927
Thank you again,
Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
235
00:09:19,929 --> 00:09:23,197
I will return this glass
when I am done with my milk.
236
00:09:23,199 --> 00:09:26,167
Oh, don't return it, just put
it down when you're done.
237
00:09:26,169 --> 00:09:27,935
If I was meant to have it,
it'll find its way back to me.
238
00:09:27,937 --> 00:09:32,339
And Mr. Smith, please know that
if you are hiding anything,
239
00:09:32,341 --> 00:09:35,276
anything at all, I will sniff it out.
240
00:09:35,278 --> 00:09:37,278
It's an ability of mine.
241
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,547
For instance...
(sniffs)
242
00:09:39,549 --> 00:09:42,016
your fish and that Southern tomboy
243
00:09:42,018 --> 00:09:44,885
are hiding a wine stain on your couch.
244
00:09:44,887 --> 00:09:46,720
What?! Is that true?!
245
00:09:46,722 --> 00:09:49,256
It was Klaus, he spilled the wine!
246
00:09:49,258 --> 00:09:51,358
He said if I told you, AI'd be next!
247
00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:52,693
(gasps)
248
00:09:56,298 --> 00:09:59,133
(a hard hip hop beat begins)
249
00:09:59,135 --> 00:10:01,469
Hey, yo, insurance is not a game
250
00:10:01,471 --> 00:10:02,303
You know what I'm saying?
251
00:10:02,305 --> 00:10:03,304
(barks)
252
00:10:03,306 --> 00:10:04,972
I'm a dog. Here we go
253
00:10:04,974 --> 00:10:06,140
Radio edit
254
00:10:06,142 --> 00:10:07,374
Yo, let's do this
255
00:10:07,376 --> 00:10:09,043
Hey, yo, if you commit fraud
256
00:10:09,045 --> 00:10:10,478
You gon' be paying to God
257
00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:11,946
If you fake your wreck
258
00:10:11,948 --> 00:10:13,447
We gon' break your neck
259
00:10:13,449 --> 00:10:14,782
Cover your tracks well
260
00:10:14,784 --> 00:10:16,250
I'll use my sense to smell
261
00:10:16,252 --> 00:10:17,751
And all of a sudden
262
00:10:17,753 --> 00:10:19,653
Your permanent hotel is goin' be jail
263
00:10:19,655 --> 00:10:20,888
I'm a fraud sniff in' dog
264
00:10:20,890 --> 00:10:22,323
Make you squeal like a hog
265
00:10:22,325 --> 00:10:23,491
If I see fraudulence
266
00:10:23,493 --> 00:10:25,259
I pull a de-liverence
267
00:10:25,261 --> 00:10:26,727
And when I find out
268
00:10:26,729 --> 00:10:28,429
You'll lose that
safe driver discount!
269
00:10:28,431 --> 00:10:30,664
(echoing):
Discount, discount, discount
270
00:10:30,666 --> 00:10:31,899
- (gunshot sound effect)
-
Yo
271
00:10:31,901 --> 00:10:33,334
Earthquakes are not covered
272
00:10:33,336 --> 00:10:35,069
Under the home insurance plan, bitch
273
00:10:35,071 --> 00:10:37,404
Yo, we do not cover acts of God
274
00:10:37,406 --> 00:10:38,906
I am an act of God
275
00:10:38,908 --> 00:10:40,141
Yo, you just remember
276
00:10:40,143 --> 00:10:41,308
You want fire coverage
277
00:10:41,310 --> 00:10:42,810
It's a separate policy
278
00:10:42,812 --> 00:10:44,812
The zip code affects your premium
279
00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:47,248
Yo, I ain't a good neighbor
280
00:10:47,250 --> 00:10:48,449
I banged your wife
281
00:10:48,451 --> 00:10:49,984
And you ain't in good hands
282
00:10:49,986 --> 00:10:51,485
Because I'll take your life.
283
00:10:51,487 --> 00:10:53,387
(engine revving)
284
00:10:54,189 --> 00:10:56,423
(thunder crashing)
285
00:11:01,630 --> 00:11:03,697
I'll tell you what I told Verne Troyer:
286
00:11:03,699 --> 00:11:07,201
if the sidecar comes unattached,
it's a separate vehicle
287
00:11:07,203 --> 00:11:09,136
and it's not covered.
288
00:11:09,138 --> 00:11:10,437
Heinrich!
289
00:11:10,439 --> 00:11:12,039
Wh-What, wh-what
are you doing here?
290
00:11:12,041 --> 00:11:13,874
Ah, Mr. Smith.
291
00:11:13,876 --> 00:11:15,509
I was about to close your case,
292
00:11:15,511 --> 00:11:19,947
but one small, easily-answered
question arose.
293
00:11:19,949 --> 00:11:21,348
It-it... it did?
294
00:11:21,350 --> 00:11:24,318
Yes, you said a dog ran in front
of your car.
295
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:26,187
But in this traffic camera photo,
296
00:11:26,189 --> 00:11:29,557
the only thing I see is a fox.
297
00:11:29,559 --> 00:11:31,225
(dramatic music stinger plays)
298
00:11:31,227 --> 00:11:33,194
She's quite beautiful.
299
00:11:33,196 --> 00:11:35,396
Did she happen to catch your eye?
300
00:11:35,398 --> 00:11:37,064
Oh, I don't... I don't pay
attention to joggers
301
00:11:37,066 --> 00:11:39,867
when I'm driving. No, th-they're
like pedestrians to me.
302
00:11:39,869 --> 00:11:41,635
I'm just gonna come out and say it:
303
00:11:41,637 --> 00:11:43,070
I think you were rubbernecking.
304
00:11:43,072 --> 00:11:44,405
With the best.
305
00:11:44,407 --> 00:11:46,674
But I unfortunately have no evidence.
306
00:11:46,676 --> 00:11:49,710
So I'm gonna have to close your case.
307
00:11:49,712 --> 00:11:51,412
(others sigh with relief)
308
00:11:51,414 --> 00:11:53,981
As long as I don't find anything
at the routine inspection
309
00:11:53,983 --> 00:11:56,650
of your vehicle at the body shop.
310
00:12:00,555 --> 00:12:02,556
Well, looks like we're in the clear.
311
00:12:02,558 --> 00:12:04,658
He's not gonna find anything.
The only evidence
312
00:12:04,660 --> 00:12:06,527
is some pictures of that jogger
in my phone.
313
00:12:06,529 --> 00:12:08,529
Which I haven't even looked at
since the accident
314
00:12:08,531 --> 00:12:10,698
because my phone's in my car.
(gasps)
315
00:12:10,700 --> 00:12:13,567
You brought him in here, you bastard!
316
00:12:13,569 --> 00:12:17,338
Rubbernecking is all I have!
317
00:12:17,340 --> 00:12:19,740
(whirring)
318
00:12:19,742 --> 00:12:23,177
Get down there and clean up your mess!
319
00:12:25,614 --> 00:12:28,849
'Twas beauty killed the beast.
320
00:12:30,118 --> 00:12:33,587
Mr. Smith, how odd
to see you here.
321
00:12:33,589 --> 00:12:35,623
Uh, have you inspected the car?
322
00:12:35,625 --> 00:12:37,625
Everywhere but under the driver's seat.
323
00:12:37,627 --> 00:12:40,794
I always save that...
for dessert.
324
00:12:50,305 --> 00:12:52,706
Nothing.
325
00:12:52,708 --> 00:12:54,808
Mr. Smith,
I'm a proud man
326
00:12:54,810 --> 00:12:57,878
but not too proud to admit when I'm beaten.
327
00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:00,414
I'm very proud of that.
328
00:13:00,416 --> 00:13:02,716
Good-bye forever,
Mr. Smith.
329
00:13:02,718 --> 00:13:05,386
(phone ringtone playing)
330
00:13:07,055 --> 00:13:09,189
(grunting)
331
00:13:10,292 --> 00:13:11,853
(gasps) My glass!
332
00:13:12,627 --> 00:13:15,562
Aw...
333
00:13:15,564 --> 00:13:18,165
Stan? I lied, Stan.
334
00:13:18,167 --> 00:13:21,168
Klaus didn't spill
the wine... we both did.
335
00:13:21,170 --> 00:13:23,437
I had to tell you 'cause it's the truth.
336
00:13:23,439 --> 00:13:27,308
And if we ain't got no truth
in this world, what do we have?
337
00:13:27,310 --> 00:13:28,942
Damn lies.
338
00:13:28,944 --> 00:13:31,178
You're not Stan.
How'd you get Stan's phone?
339
00:13:31,180 --> 00:13:32,746
What else of Stan's do you have?
340
00:13:32,748 --> 00:13:34,348
Let's sell it all and split the dough.
341
00:13:34,350 --> 00:13:37,351
We're in this together.
Don't you dare double-cross me!
342
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:43,023
(chuckles) Just as I suspected.
343
00:13:43,025 --> 00:13:45,359
Your crash was caused by rubbernecking.
344
00:13:45,361 --> 00:13:49,330
Mr. Smith, you're under arrest
for insurance fraud.
345
00:13:49,332 --> 00:13:50,297
(gasps)
346
00:13:50,299 --> 00:13:52,533
(crashing)
347
00:13:52,535 --> 00:13:54,201
Oh, my God, what happened?
348
00:13:54,203 --> 00:13:55,636
(strained):
I was checking out
349
00:13:55,638 --> 00:13:58,272
a hot chick in a news copter.
350
00:13:58,274 --> 00:14:01,108
See? He told the truth.
351
00:14:01,110 --> 00:14:03,010
And everyone's the better for it.
352
00:14:03,012 --> 00:14:05,012
(weakly):
I'd like to purchase...
353
00:14:05,014 --> 00:14:07,348
some life insurance.
354
00:14:07,350 --> 00:14:08,982
Are you a smoker?
355
00:14:08,984 --> 00:14:10,984
Only when I drink.
356
00:14:10,986 --> 00:14:13,454
(moans)
357
00:14:13,456 --> 00:14:15,189
(splat)
358
00:14:18,128 --> 00:14:19,862
Steve, why isn't your mother here?
359
00:14:19,864 --> 00:14:21,196
She's hurt, Dad.
360
00:14:21,198 --> 00:14:23,065
She's so upset about your rubbernecking
361
00:14:23,067 --> 00:14:25,234
she's not even coming to your trial.
362
00:14:25,236 --> 00:14:28,237
And I got to say, I don't blame her.
363
00:14:28,239 --> 00:14:30,539
(slow, soulful R & B melody playing)
364
00:14:35,445 --> 00:14:37,746
It's time to wake up, Stan.
365
00:14:37,748 --> 00:14:41,683
It's time to stand up and be a man
366
00:14:43,253 --> 00:14:46,255
Be the husband that you told her you
367
00:14:46,257 --> 00:14:48,490
Were gonna be forever
368
00:14:48,492 --> 00:14:51,326
Dearly beloved,we are gathered here today
369
00:14:51,328 --> 00:14:54,263
But I can't see what's wrong with you
370
00:14:54,265 --> 00:14:56,832
You got a wife, a hot one, too
371
00:14:56,834 --> 00:15:00,435
But if you keep on looking,
you won't end up together
372
00:15:00,437 --> 00:15:02,938
Oh, my God
373
00:15:02,940 --> 00:15:05,607
Is she not hot enough
374
00:15:05,609 --> 00:15:07,342
For you, Dad?
375
00:15:07,344 --> 00:15:10,679
I can't believe
376
00:15:10,681 --> 00:15:13,415
That you can't see
377
00:15:13,417 --> 00:15:16,418
Those lips, hips and face
378
00:15:16,420 --> 00:15:19,421
Body's all over the place
379
00:15:19,423 --> 00:15:21,256
Oh, yeah
380
00:15:21,258 --> 00:15:24,593
Damn, that's my mama
That's his mama
381
00:15:24,595 --> 00:15:26,995
Mmm, damn, if that wasn't my mama
382
00:15:26,997 --> 00:15:29,464
Stan, you know it's not fair
383
00:15:29,466 --> 00:15:32,501
Why you looking at some other ho
384
00:15:32,503 --> 00:15:36,238
When she's got the milky
breasts and silky hair
385
00:15:37,173 --> 00:15:39,041
Helen Keller, open your eyes
386
00:15:39,043 --> 00:15:41,443
You got the perfect wife
387
00:15:41,445 --> 00:15:44,012
The time inside her
388
00:15:44,014 --> 00:15:49,017
Was the best damn nine months
of my life
389
00:15:49,019 --> 00:15:51,720
Is she not hot enough
390
00:15:51,722 --> 00:15:53,222
For you, Dad?
391
00:15:53,224 --> 00:15:55,524
I can't believe
392
00:15:55,526 --> 00:15:59,161
Ooh, oh, my God, oh, my God
That you can't see
393
00:15:59,163 --> 00:16:01,463
Now I'm thinking maybe she's
394
00:16:01,465 --> 00:16:02,965
Just too hot
395
00:16:02,967 --> 00:16:04,333
For someone
396
00:16:04,335 --> 00:16:07,069
As blind as you...
STAN: Steve!
397
00:16:07,071 --> 00:16:09,805
Seriously, this isn't a great
place not to be wearing a shirt.
398
00:16:09,807 --> 00:16:12,474
Let him sing!
399
00:16:18,147 --> 00:16:19,381
(slurping)
400
00:16:20,650 --> 00:16:22,251
JUDGE:
All right.
401
00:16:22,253 --> 00:16:25,854
Mr. Smith, you will be judged
by a jury of your peers,
402
00:16:25,856 --> 00:16:27,756
who just happen to all be
403
00:16:27,758 --> 00:16:29,758
married women around your wife's age.
404
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:31,560
(groans loudly)
405
00:16:31,562 --> 00:16:35,264
Mr. Smith, this is a photo not
of the dog you claimed to avoid
406
00:16:35,266 --> 00:16:37,266
but of an admittedly attractive jogger
407
00:16:37,268 --> 00:16:39,701
that you took at the time of your accident.
408
00:16:39,703 --> 00:16:42,604
And here is a photo of your wife.
409
00:16:42,606 --> 00:16:44,006
With a wife this attractive,
410
00:16:44,008 --> 00:16:46,074
why were you looking at another woman?
411
00:16:46,076 --> 00:16:48,610
Are you some kind of deviant?
412
00:16:48,612 --> 00:16:50,012
What? No.
413
00:16:50,014 --> 00:16:52,814
Looking at other women
is normal. It's...
414
00:16:53,616 --> 00:16:54,750
LAWYER:
Mr. Smith?
415
00:16:54,752 --> 00:16:55,951
You were saying?
416
00:16:55,953 --> 00:16:57,719
No, I-I-I don't,
I don't think I was.
417
00:16:57,721 --> 00:17:00,589
Come on, Mr. Smith.
Admit it.
418
00:17:00,591 --> 00:17:05,294
You're a sex-crazed maniac,
no better than a U.S. senator.
419
00:17:05,296 --> 00:17:06,695
How dare you!
420
00:17:06,697 --> 00:17:08,931
I am a lot of things, but not a senator!
421
00:17:08,933 --> 00:17:11,767
Then why were you taking these photos?!
422
00:17:11,769 --> 00:17:13,635
Because I was rubbernecking!
(women gasping)
423
00:17:13,637 --> 00:17:14,803
All men do it!
424
00:17:14,805 --> 00:17:16,972
(slurping) (gallery clamoring)
425
00:17:16,974 --> 00:17:18,874
Uh... I don't.
426
00:17:18,876 --> 00:17:20,275
You're a dead man, Smith!
427
00:17:20,277 --> 00:17:21,944
You are gonna die!
428
00:17:21,946 --> 00:17:23,412
I don't know where or when,
429
00:17:23,414 --> 00:17:26,281
but each of us has to go in our own time!
430
00:17:26,283 --> 00:17:28,383
Is that even a threat?
431
00:17:28,385 --> 00:17:29,751
Order! Order!
432
00:17:29,753 --> 00:17:31,053
The gallery will refrain
433
00:17:31,055 --> 00:17:33,221
from shouting out existential truisms!
434
00:17:33,223 --> 00:17:34,790
Listen, I know I'm a judge
435
00:17:34,792 --> 00:17:37,759
and I'm supposed to make sure
you get a fair trial,
436
00:17:37,761 --> 00:17:40,796
but everyone in here
should be disgusted with you.
437
00:17:40,798 --> 00:17:44,099
If my wife looked like yours,
I'd never take my eyes off her.
438
00:17:44,101 --> 00:17:45,934
Oh, you wouldn't, would you?
439
00:17:45,936 --> 00:17:50,072
Wait, Your Honor, can I ask
the court for a quick recess?
440
00:17:51,074 --> 00:17:52,808
Didn't really wait for my answer...
441
00:17:52,810 --> 00:17:54,509
Steve, take this to your mother.
442
00:17:54,511 --> 00:17:56,111
She doesn't want to hear it, Dad.
443
00:17:56,113 --> 00:17:58,246
She won't have to hear it.
She'll have to read it.
444
00:17:58,248 --> 00:18:00,949
Just make sure she does.
445
00:18:00,951 --> 00:18:01,950
Eh, whatever.
446
00:18:01,952 --> 00:18:03,151
20 minute recess.
447
00:18:03,153 --> 00:18:04,853
Dick.
448
00:18:04,855 --> 00:18:07,089
(man giggling)
449
00:18:08,491 --> 00:18:10,726
(bell rings)
450
00:18:11,494 --> 00:18:13,462
Oh...
451
00:18:13,464 --> 00:18:14,863
(gavel banging)
452
00:18:15,765 --> 00:18:17,165
Well, I forgot where we were,
453
00:18:17,167 --> 00:18:19,034
so I guess, Mr. Smith,
you have the floor.
454
00:18:19,036 --> 00:18:20,335
You're a bad judge.
455
00:18:20,337 --> 00:18:23,171
Well, I'm not the one on trial, am I?
456
00:18:23,173 --> 00:18:24,439
Am I?
457
00:18:25,475 --> 00:18:26,541
Proceed.
458
00:18:26,543 --> 00:18:27,609
(door creaks)
459
00:18:30,213 --> 00:18:32,614
Uh, Your Honor, I'd like
to call to the stand...
460
00:18:32,616 --> 00:18:34,449
Francine Smith.
461
00:18:34,451 --> 00:18:36,685
462
00:18:55,972 --> 00:18:57,239
Busted!
463
00:18:57,241 --> 00:18:59,541
Rubbernecking! Rubbernecking!
464
00:18:59,543 --> 00:19:01,743
Rubberne...
465
00:19:02,979 --> 00:19:03,979
Rubbernecking!
466
00:19:03,981 --> 00:19:05,414
You were all rubbernecking!
467
00:19:05,416 --> 00:19:07,816
See? I told you! All men do it.
468
00:19:07,818 --> 00:19:09,684
But that doesn't make us bad guys.
469
00:19:09,686 --> 00:19:11,753
It's like I said in my note, Francine.
470
00:19:11,755 --> 00:19:13,688
I may look at other women, but...
471
00:19:13,690 --> 00:19:15,757
it doesn't mean I love you any less.
472
00:19:15,759 --> 00:19:19,995
My eyes may wander, but my
heart always comes home.
473
00:19:19,997 --> 00:19:21,663
Oh, Stan.
474
00:19:21,665 --> 00:19:26,101
Well, to be completely honest,
when I walked in here,
475
00:19:26,103 --> 00:19:29,037
it felt kind of good being looked at.
476
00:19:29,039 --> 00:19:32,441
Yo, fellas, so what my girl
wants to wear a short skirt?
477
00:19:32,443 --> 00:19:33,875
It be hot in Virginia
478
00:19:33,877 --> 00:19:35,110
I'm gonna wear a skirt
479
00:19:35,112 --> 00:19:37,612
Me, too, I want to be seen
480
00:19:37,614 --> 00:19:40,749
You look like a prostitute
but it's not obscene
481
00:19:40,751 --> 00:19:43,752
If I got the goods
and my body's rocking
482
00:19:43,754 --> 00:19:46,521
Ain't nothing wrong
with window-shopping
483
00:19:46,523 --> 00:19:49,524
I get looked at all the time
484
00:19:49,526 --> 00:19:52,894
Tons and tons and tons of times
485
00:19:52,896 --> 00:19:55,730
How much is normal
to get looked at?
486
00:19:55,732 --> 00:19:57,265
You can double that
487
00:19:57,267 --> 00:19:59,601
That's how much I get looked at
488
00:19:59,603 --> 00:20:01,970
It's pretty annoying sometimes
489
00:20:01,972 --> 00:20:04,606
But you live with it
when you're hecka good-looking
490
00:20:04,608 --> 00:20:07,576
See, rubbernecking just ain't no crime
491
00:20:07,578 --> 00:20:10,312
We're doing it just to pass the time
492
00:20:10,314 --> 00:20:14,082
We might look but you'll go
home with only me
493
00:20:14,084 --> 00:20:16,118
My eyes may wander
494
00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,787
But my heart comes home
495
00:20:18,789 --> 00:20:21,957
Comes home, comes home
My eyes may wander
496
00:20:21,959 --> 00:20:24,793
But my heart comes home
497
00:20:24,795 --> 00:20:28,063
Comes home, comes home
If Francine wasn't my mama
498
00:20:28,065 --> 00:20:31,099
Lord, you know
I'd try to bone...
499
00:20:31,101 --> 00:20:32,467
Come on, Steve.
500
00:20:32,469 --> 00:20:34,769
Lord, I've learned my lesson
501
00:20:34,771 --> 00:20:37,472
Lord, I've learned my lesson
502
00:20:37,474 --> 00:20:40,342
Lord, we've learned our lesson
503
00:20:40,344 --> 00:20:42,177
Tonight!
504
00:20:42,179 --> 00:20:44,746
That was a lot of fun to sing.
505
00:20:44,748 --> 00:20:46,181
But unfortunately, Mr. Smith,
506
00:20:46,183 --> 00:20:47,916
you're on trial for insurance fraud,
507
00:20:47,918 --> 00:20:50,185
which you definitely did.
508
00:20:50,187 --> 00:20:53,188
I hereby sentence you
to six years in prison.
509
00:20:53,190 --> 00:20:55,090
ROGER:
Lucky!
510
00:20:58,294 --> 00:21:00,295
(compressor whirring)
511
00:21:00,297 --> 00:21:02,497
(sprayer hissing)
512
00:21:17,947 --> 00:21:20,115
(clicking)
513
00:21:23,386 --> 00:21:25,287
We need a new couch!
514
00:21:25,657 --> 00:21:28,291
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
515
00:21:28,341 --> 00:21:32,891
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