All language subtitles for 30 Rock s07e08 My Whole Life Is Thunder.eng

♪

♪ Married,

♪ Liz Lemon got married
and made up this song ♪

[Scatting]

You got married?
To what?

To Criss, Frank.

Uh-huh, you are now looking
at Ms. Elizabeth Lemon.

I'm keeping my name.

What? The h-e-double vibrator

is that thing on your left hand?

It's my wedding ring.
I got married yesterday.

- How could you do this to me?
- Flurb?

You just ruined my surprise wedding.

Paul, you can come down now.
Thanks a lot, Liz.

I guess I ate all that asparagus
for nothing.

Reverend Gimp,
we'll just have to reschedule.

Where can I get the "C" train?

Wow. Well, if you don't want
this kind of thing happening,

maybe don't have a surprise wedding.

Alisters always have
surprise weddings now, Liz.

Timberbiel,
beyon-z,

Anne hatha-nobody.

And technically,
I am an a-lister now

because I was on a list
to date Tom Cruise.

But I bailed before I got
sucked in too deep,

praise Xenu.

Well, I'm glad you're happy for me.

In case you didn't hear it before,

I got married yesterday.

Yeah, thank you for inviting me.

Congratulations, Liz.

It's inspiring to see
that a woman in her 30s

can still find true love.

- I'm 42, Cerie.
- I don't know what that is.

Just a reminder that
your awards luncheon is today.

- What?
- You won an award.

"Congratulations on being
named one of the 80 under 80,

honoring women in entertainment
who aren't Betty White."

Oh, my goodness, the ceremony
will be broadcast

on lifetime... oh, .com.
garbagefile?

Okay, but still, I won an award!

[Humming 30 rock theme]

[Exciting jazz music]

♪

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

30 ROCK
S07 Ep08 - My Whole Life Is Thunder

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com

Okay, big Liz Lemon day,
so hold on tight.

I've got a Jenna problem
I need to run by you.

Lemon, I'm sorry.
I can't help you.

Why not?
Our dynamic doesn't have

to change just because I'm married.

We can still have
our classic girl Friday banter.

"Now you listen here, Jack.

This story's
not gonna write itself, see?"

"Oh, stop, you brute.
I love you. Operator?"

No, the problem is my mother's
in town for Christmas.

Already?
It's three weeks away.

She insists on traveling
on pearl Harbor day

to, and I quote, "show
the emperor we're not afraid."

Look, I know she gets under your skin,

but you should appreciate
this time with her.

She's 87.

But that's only 14
in demon years, Lemon.

The woman's constant disapproval
of me will keep her alive

forever.

A blue spruce.

What time do the mariachis arrive?

But this year I have a plan.

I'm not going to give her
anything to disapprove of,

because as long as she's in New York,

I'm doing absolutely nothing.

I got the idea from watching
your president Obama

the last four years.

[Telephone rings]

That's her, fishing.

Notice the ring is shriller.

Jack Donaghy's office.

No, Mrs. Donaghy.
He's not doing anything.

He's with Liz.

Well, she's wearing it pulled back,

but it's not working.

Exactly.
Because of her ears.

[Laughing]

Merry Christmas, everyone.

[Whistles]

Kenneth, why are you mopping
the floor so angrily?

You know exactly why, sir.

First miss Lemon fired my girlfriend,

and now Hazel broke up with me.

Mr. Jordan, do you know why
I love television so much?

Because despite cell phones,
iPads, and computers,

it's still the most effective
portal for poltergeists?

On TV shows,

nothing ever really changes.

The people you care about never leave,

and the bad guy always gets
what she deserves.

Someone's looking lovely today.

What a burn.

I could have meant someone else.

Although I didn't.

She's radiant.

Mm.

Since I'm not getting married today,

I might as well stuff my face.

Listen, Jenna, I didn't mean
to steal your thunder.

My whole life is thunder.

Sure.
But, you know, I just found out

that I won this women
in entertainment award...

First you get married.
Now you're winning an award?

These are my things.

Next you'll tell me

Mickey Rourke catapulted you
into the Hollywood sign.

Look, I know you're angry,

but this award is kind of a big deal.

You know, in the past,
they've given it to Diane Sawyer

and Elaine May, and did you know

that Chuck Scarborough
is anatomically a woman?

So I am a lesbian.

And I'd really love
for you to be there.

Did you know it's been 15 years
since we first met?

Salutations, Jenna Maroney.

What brings a mummer
to lightsman's row?

I just wanted to meet the woman

that's been lighting me
so awesomely onstage.

Do you have any idea
where she is, little boy?

And I wouldn't be here today
if it weren't for you,

so when I accept that award
on lifetime. comgarbagefile,

I want you onstage with me.

- So there'll be cameras?
- Yes.

Oh, Liz, you had me at
"Hayden Panettiere is dead."

Of course I'll be there.

Oh, thank you, Jenna.
That really means a lot to me.

♪ Secret plan

♪ revenge on my mind

Hey, I'm going downstairs
to get a coffee.

- You want anything?
- Pumpkin spice, please.

- Great.
- ♪ Secret plan

Excuse me.
I don't mean to bother you,

but I'm a nymphomaniac virgin widow,

and I just completed
my year of mourning,

and I've got a hotel room
and a latex allergy,

and, well, I was just wondering
what you were doing

for the next 12 to 14 hours.

I'm doing nothing.

Let's go before my mother...
[Cell phone buzzing]

Nice try, mother.

Yes, you sensed I was doing something

you would disapprove of.

Your powers remain strong, old one,

but there's nothing
you can say to ruin this.

I see a spot in front of my left eye.

If this turns out to be a stroke,

you're in charge of plucking my chin.

You better come home, Jackie.

I have a few things
I want to say to you

before I meet the grim reaper,

who is black, I assume,

- what with the hoodies he wears.
- That's quite all right.

I've heard your last words before.

For instance, in junior high,

when you faked a heart attack

to keep me from going camping.

I didn't trust that scoutmaster.

He was always wearing shorts.

In fact, I think I have
your dying speech memorized.

"How could you do this to me?

"You're such a huge disappointment.

"If only Dragnet hadn't been
preempted because of Sputnik,

you never
would have been conceived."

Please, Jackie, just come home!

I'm dizzy, Jack.
[Clatter]

Wonderful sound effects, mother.

Mother?
Mother?

You left crumbs on the floor

so that the mice spelled,
"come see me"?

Yes, Kenneth, I've been
thinking about what you said

about wishing life could be like TV.

That would be great, although
I'd get rid of those ads

that pop up in the middle
of your favorite TV shows.

Well, why don't you discuss it
with special guest star

Florence Henderson?

- Mrs. Brady!
- Uh-uh.

I told the black guy here,
none of that Brady stuff.

Now let's get this over with.

Which booking is this?

Are you the perverts who want to go

to town on each other
while I make a pie?

Welcome, ladies.
Welcome.

I'm Bonnie badamath.

I'm the chairperson for today's event.

I can't shake hands because
I have carpal tunnel syndrome

from zipping up my own dress
now that Gary's gone.

Well, I'm very happy to be here.

Well, I'm just so glad
that you found the place,

what with my directions,

[voice breaking] Because Gary
was the navigator.

Thank you.

[Yelps]

This is exciting.

Oh, look, you're in the program.

Ah, great, they must
have gotten this picture

off the Internet.

Why does the other Liz Lemon
always come up first?

Who cares?
They're honoring you.

Now you go find our table.

I'm gonna run to the bathroom.

- Ooh, I have to go too.
- Wait for me.

I just went,
but I guess I could go again.

What the what?

Oh, my God, she's gonna do her wedding

just to ruin my thing?

Wow.
My best friend.

Best friend troubles, talking
to yourself, I've been there.

And you know why Jenna's mad at me?

Because I got married.

You know what my best friend
did for my 50th birthday?

She gives everybody a car,
and then she's all,

"thank you for coming
to Gayle's birthday!"

The crazy thing is I always
end up apologizing to her

'cause her feelings are so much
more important than mine.

Oh, I hear you.

When I got bangs, my best friend

didn't even acknowledge them,
so I was gonna grow them out.

Then after reading an article

in my best friend's magazine,

I realized my feelings are valid,

so I had to say to her, "my bangs,

"they're not about you.

It's about me trying to cover
my forehead."

Exactly.
Thank you.

We're talking about Oprah, right?

No, of course not.

[Whispering] She can hear us.

Well, this is certainly high drama.

These are the clothes
that I want to be buried in.

And make sure I'm holding this.

Glue this pin to the inside
of the coffin lid.

For grave robbers.

For grave robbers?
I remember the first time

you ever threatened me with your death.

You should be more appreciative.

I went down to a pack a day for you.

One day, you're gonna turn around,

and I'll be dead like that.

All right. You can knock it
off now, mother.

I'm home.
What happened to your eye?

- Did you really fall?
- I was watching TV,

and they started interviewing
an Asian Santa claus,

- and my arm went numb.
- And you called me?

Mother, call an ambulance.

My father did not kill
dozens of Germans

so that his daughter
could die in a van.

But he wasn't even in the war.

Go about your day, Jack.

Just leave the door open
and let the elements take me.

You're going to the hospital,

and I don't care
how I have to get you there.

Well, I'm not going in an ambulance.

I'll take
a horse-drawn carriage.

Those carriages
are rolling torture wagons

for nature's most dignified creature.

The horse is one of only three
appropriate subjects

for a painting,
along with ships with sails

and men holding up swords while
staring off into the distance.

Sure, let's argue about horses now.

Bring down my things.

I'm going out of this world
exactly the way I came into it,

wearing a hat.

[Elevator door dings]

There you are, K through 12.

Are you the same guy as before?

Or does that sun-bleached turd
have a twin brother?

Same guy, ma'am.

- Oh.
- Uh-oh.

Looks like we're stuck in a elevator.

I guess we'll have to remember stuff

and learn from each other,
just like on TV.

Wait, you did this on purpose?

Are you sure
you know what you're doing?

Apex technical school
puts students first.

And the perfect time to enroll is now.

Wait, we're stuck?
Get us down.

I don't have my flask.

I'm freaking out.
This was a bad idea.

Is this alcohol-based?

Why are you doing this to me, Jacob?

[Shouting]

So our next honoree Liz Lemon
is the head writer

of TGS with Tracy Jordan,

and I am told
she got married yesterday,

just like Gary and that bitch

who was selling us our dream house.

So let's take a look at Liz's work.

Hang on.
This is being weird.

- Blow on the disk.
- Is it on the right component?

Try unplugging it
and plugging it back in.

Just open the disk part and blow on it.

Looking for this?

You ruined my wedding.
It's payback time.

Jenna, what I did was an accident,

but you're trying to sabotage me

just because I'm getting an award?

You know you don't deserve it.

Without me, you'd still be

behind that light board in Chicago,

turning bags of
sour patch kids inside out

to lick them clean.
I got my money's worth.

And without me you'd still be doing

local commercials
for store-brand douches.

Well, joke's on you, because
that wasn't a commercial.

I don't know what that was.

I swear to God, you are
the most selfish human being

- on the planet.
- Thank you.

Visit my website
for extras and ringtones.

Only because I've let you be.
It stops tonight.

You can't stop me
from getting on that stage.

Are you sure?

'Cause guess what
this lighting board nerd did?

So what can I do
for a fellow lightsmith?

I want you to come up 20%
on 16, 32, and 70.

- No, but that would...
- Just do it!

Well, this stage is now lit
for grocery store milk aisle.

[Gasps] I can't get up there.

I'll look...
Horrible.

Yeah.
Oh, no.

Did I ruin your wedding again?

Also you need to tell your Aunt Mary,

when she was two, there was an accident

with a hot comb.

Well, she used to be a boy.

Stop talking, mother.

Save your strength
for yelling at doctors.

There's a couple of other
things I want you to know, Jack.

And I don't want you to
interrupt me until I'm done.

All I want is for you to be happy.

- Happy?
- Yes.

Since when did you ever care
about happiness?

Don't talk to me like that, Jack.

I breast-fed you
for nine years!

Those are terrible last words.

The closest you ever get to happiness

is when you're criticizing something,

preferably something I've done.

Jack, stop talking.

I am not going to be around forever.

- Oh, here it comes.
- One of these days,

you're gonna turn around, Jack,

and I'm gonna be gone...
Just like that.

When this little performance is over,

I may put you in a home just like that.

Mother...

Mother?

I can't get it to work,

and there's still 78 women to go,

so whatever, Liz Lemon.

[Applause]

No, you don't ruin my thing.

I ruin your thing.

You are not the center
of the universe, Jenna.

I am too.
I'm the moon.

Ladies, please,
today we're celebrating women...

Can it, Bonnie.

I can't believe
you're doing this to me.

And Paul. He's been
in that steamer trunk for hours.

It's all right. The lack
of oxygen is making me orgasm.

[Hisses]

Why can't you ever be happy
for me, ever?

I got married, and you don't care.

Why should she?

We shouldn't be defining
ourselves by our men.

Oh, so in order to be independent,

we have to be asexual?

You would know, Judy.

God, I miss Gary so much!

I put his sweater on a body pillow!

[Moaning]

I took it for a canoe ride!
[Moans]

Lightsmith, help me out.
Fire up the lekos

and the klieg.

[Hissing]

[Exclamations]

Don't look at me.

Don't look at me.
Don't look at me!

Jack, I got your text,

but I think there was
some autocorrect problems.

Colleen had a fart attack?

She died, Liz.

Oh, my God.

She had a heart attack
and died on the way here.

Oh, Jack, I am so sorry.

Before she died, Colleen told me

- she just wants me to be happy.
- Really?

'Cause that doesn't sound like her,

but I guess people do say
strange things at the end.

You know, my grandmother said,
"Liz, stop playing

with the flesh
around my elbow."

"I just want you
to be happy."

You know who you say that to?
A loser.

Someone who can't hope
for anything more in life

than just being happy.

You say that to someone
who has disappointed you.

- Jack.
- No. It's perfect.

She's a genius.

One last twist of the knife.

Well, thank you for coming,
Lemon, but I better get going.

The funeral is tomorrow.

Colleen wanted to be buried

before the rest of the family found out

and sold her body to a haunted house.

And, of course, I get to
eulogize Colleen at the service.

One more chance to disappoint her

as she looks up at me
from her throne...

In hell.

[Exhales]

Jenna...

Jenna.
I mean, Liz.

Look, life's too short to be
fighting with your best friend.

I know.
Can I be real with you, Liz?

All these years I've always been
able to look at you

and feel better about myself.

- Sure.
- Don't interrupt.

The pill that lets me feel
emotion is gonna wear off soon.

Watching you struggle at work,

dating losers,
wearing boys' husky jeans...

They have reinforced crutches.

Now you're winning awards,

you're not aging the way
I wanted you to,

and you're married to a guy
that I think about during sex.

Awwugh.

Everything feels
a little upside-down,

but I am happy for you.

And I'm sorry
you weren't at my wedding.

But it made me realize

that this whole surprise wedding
thing is stupid.

When I get married, I want

everyone I care about to be there.

Wow, Jenna,

I feel like you and I
haven't talked like this...

Pill wearing off.
You have mom arms.

[Pipe organ playing]

Kenneth, it's Hazel.

She's back.
I recast her.

She tested through the roof...

At the STD clinic.

Mr. Jordan, stop.

I don't want my life
to be like TV anymore.

Because no one learns
anything in elevators,

and we almost killed
Florence Henderson.

Yes. Almost.

I don't want my life to be like TV,

because my life is way better.

Where else but real life

would a millionaire movie star

care so much about a hillbilly janitor

that he would spend two days

trying to cheer him up?

You can't do that on television.

Because, if you did,
no one would watch.

Thank you, Mr. Jordan.

Thank you for my wonderful life.

I sure picked the right week
to come back.

You weren't supposed
to have any lines, Kwon Lee.

Now I have to pay you.

Friends, last night when I sat down

to write a speech worthy
of my mother's 87 years,

I thought I was facing
an impossible task

until I realized that her
constant crushing disapproval

was a gift.

The greatest gift
a mother ever gave a son.

My lifelong quest to please that woman

is what made me the man I am today,

the man who has been the
centerfold of Fortune magazine

no fewer than three times,
the man who in 1984

wore a tuxedo so well
he broke up the go-go's,

the man who last night
wrote and today will deliver

the greatest eulogy of all time.

Dublin, 1852,

a ship Bobs in the Lee tide

of the icy Irish Sea.

Her name...
Ariel.

[Speaking Irish gaelic]

[Sobbing] Today, we are all Irish.

And the plumber says, "I don't know.

But that's
a pretty big pizza."

[Laughter]

Life is for the living!

But there's a truth
in the center of that.

[Playing Danny boy]

♪

Thank you, Kermit, for
explaining the afterlife to us.

Ah, listen, Jack, thank you

for being the man we all aspire to be.

Ladies and gentlemen,

sir Paul McCartney
and the Harlem boys choir.

Yaaay!

And, though the falling snow
would erase her footprints,

it could never erase our memory of her.

I love you, mother.

End of eulogy.

[Applause]

Oh, wonderful, Jack!
Wonderful!

Jenna, no, don't do this.

Jenna, yes, do this.

All the people
that I care about are here.

It's perfect.

[Exclamations]

We are so glad
that you could come, Liz.

I hope traffic wasn't too bad
getting here.

Surprise.
I'm getting married.

Mother would have hated this.

[Snickers]

Yaaay!

And I promise not to make fun of you

when you ask where your glasses are

and they are on your head.

I do do that.

And I promise to always
pour antibiotics

all over your penis

before you staple it to anything.

- Oh.
- And now Paul will read

the vows he has written for Jenna.

Jenna, I didn't know
what I was missing in my life

until I met you.

I love you more than words can say,

and I am so honored to be taking
your first and last name.

Ladies and gentlemen,

presenting
Mrs. and Mr. Jenna Maroneys.

[Scattered applause]

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com

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