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Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
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All right, Lemon, you got me.
3
00:00:12,136 --> 00:00:15,216
Yes, this is the same flashy night tie
4
00:00:15,217 --> 00:00:16,857
I was wearing when I left work yesterday.
5
00:00:16,908 --> 00:00:18,158
My hair is a disaster.
6
00:00:18,193 --> 00:00:20,644
I am indeed on a walk of shame.
7
00:00:20,662 --> 00:00:21,979
You slut!
8
00:00:22,013 --> 00:00:24,398
That woman was Pizzarina Sbarro,
9
00:00:24,449 --> 00:00:27,517
the heiress to the
Sbarro Slice and Calzone Fortune.
10
00:00:27,535 --> 00:00:29,203
I should be heading upstairs to change,
11
00:00:29,237 --> 00:00:31,288
I wouldn't want anyone seeing me
12
00:00:31,322 --> 00:00:32,322
like this.
13
00:00:32,356 --> 00:00:34,191
Come on.
Walk of shame?
14
00:00:34,209 --> 00:00:35,909
I say call it a stride of pride
15
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:38,128
and walk with your arms up, like this.
16
00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:40,164
That is surprisingly
non-judgmental.
17
00:00:40,198 --> 00:00:41,248
I'm 41 years old, Jack.
18
00:00:41,299 --> 00:00:43,167
I'm no stranger to the walk of shame.
19
00:00:43,201 --> 00:00:46,036
Yes, I'm still wearing
the same clothes as yesterday.
20
00:00:46,054 --> 00:00:47,504
I stayed up all night
21
00:00:47,538 --> 00:00:50,207
helping Bradley finish the Joseph coat.
22
00:00:50,225 --> 00:00:52,976
Just hearing that story
tells me that Bradley was gay.
23
00:00:53,011 --> 00:00:54,094
Only sexually.
24
00:00:54,145 --> 00:00:55,585
But I've come a long way since then.
25
00:00:55,586 --> 00:00:58,381
In fact, since Criss and I
have been trying,
26
00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:00,267
Liz Lemon has had a little awakening
27
00:01:00,318 --> 00:01:01,735
in her bathing suit area.
28
00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:03,237
Lemon, I've seen your bathing suits.
29
00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:05,151
- That could be anywhere.
- I'm serious, Jack.
30
00:01:05,185 --> 00:01:06,705
I feel like I'm ready for one of those
31
00:01:06,706 --> 00:01:08,075
Sex and the city Girls' brunches,
32
00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:11,061
where you talk about dirty stuff
and make a lot of puns, like,
33
00:01:11,079 --> 00:01:13,330
"and I thought
I was eating eggs."
34
00:01:13,364 --> 00:01:16,083
So is Zarina your new girlfriend?
35
00:01:16,117 --> 00:01:18,836
Should I, invite her
to my sex talk brunch?
36
00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:20,737
Zarina is not my girlfriend,
37
00:01:20,755 --> 00:01:23,340
she's one of a diverse group
of women I'm currently seeing.
38
00:01:23,374 --> 00:01:25,242
Group?
Back to judgmental.
39
00:01:25,260 --> 00:01:27,528
Lemon, after Avery, I realized
I'm never going to find
40
00:01:27,529 --> 00:01:29,129
everything I'm looking for in one woman.
41
00:01:29,180 --> 00:01:30,597
It's not fair to the ladies,
42
00:01:30,632 --> 00:01:32,582
just because I'm the complete package.
43
00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:35,185
- You are a complete package.
- I got the idea
44
00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:37,888
watching The Great Escape
on TCM one night,
45
00:01:37,922 --> 00:01:39,940
how that ragtag bunch of heroes
46
00:01:39,974 --> 00:01:42,926
worked together to be greater
than the sum of their parts.
47
00:01:42,944 --> 00:01:43,944
Bronson was the brawn,
48
00:01:43,978 --> 00:01:45,362
Attenborough was the brains,
49
00:01:45,396 --> 00:01:46,763
garner was the scrounger,
50
00:01:46,781 --> 00:01:48,765
McQueen was the hottie with the body.
51
00:01:48,783 --> 00:01:50,317
I'll say it.
52
00:01:50,368 --> 00:01:51,618
And, how many prisoners
53
00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:53,370
do you have in this little stalag?
54
00:01:53,404 --> 00:01:56,106
Zarina is the society girl
I take to black-tie events,
55
00:01:56,124 --> 00:01:57,908
when I want to talk politics I call Anne,
56
00:01:57,942 --> 00:02:00,077
Tabitha knows how to work my DVR,
57
00:02:00,111 --> 00:02:02,246
and Mindy is my, sex idiot.
58
00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:04,164
And what if they
find out about each other?
59
00:02:04,215 --> 00:02:06,095
They're all adults, Lemon.
They'll understand.
60
00:02:06,096 --> 00:02:07,296
And if they did come to blows,
61
00:02:07,297 --> 00:02:09,253
it would be,
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00:02:09,287 --> 00:02:10,787
Intensely erotic.
63
00:02:10,805 --> 00:02:11,922
Like,
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00:02:11,956 --> 00:02:14,641
Steve McQueen on a motorcycle.
65
00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:16,677
Trying to jump that fence
into Switzerland,
66
00:02:16,728 --> 00:02:17,811
but it's too high.
67
00:02:18,930 --> 00:02:21,932
He had a leather jacket.
68
00:02:24,486 --> 00:02:26,186
Hey, lady friends.
69
00:02:26,237 --> 00:02:28,155
Who would like to join me for brunch?
70
00:02:28,189 --> 00:02:29,189
My treat.
71
00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:31,275
We could throw back some cosmos,
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00:02:31,309 --> 00:02:33,494
talk about our climaxes...
73
00:02:35,697 --> 00:02:37,114
If you heard my sex stories,
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00:02:37,148 --> 00:02:38,499
you would lose your mind!
75
00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:40,117
Sorry, Liz.
76
00:02:40,151 --> 00:02:41,952
I'm not even sure
they serve brunch after...
77
00:02:41,986 --> 00:02:43,153
The '90s.
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00:02:43,171 --> 00:02:44,321
Liz, check this out.
79
00:02:44,339 --> 00:02:45,989
"Jenna Maroney,
looking great at..."
80
00:02:46,007 --> 00:02:48,325
56?
Blarf!
81
00:02:48,343 --> 00:02:50,103
Okay, we are
at a code orange here, people.
82
00:02:50,104 --> 00:02:52,513
A magazine has said that Jenna is 56.
83
00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:54,131
God, no...
I have children!
84
00:02:54,165 --> 00:02:55,445
We'll get through this together.
85
00:02:55,463 --> 00:02:56,863
Pete, you go down to the newsstand.
86
00:02:56,864 --> 00:02:58,602
Buy every copy, and burn them.
87
00:02:58,636 --> 00:02:59,603
Cerie, get out of here.
88
00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:01,138
Just go home for the day.
89
00:03:01,172 --> 00:03:02,856
And Kenneth, get Jenna's copy
90
00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:04,975
out of her dressing room
before she sees it.
91
00:03:05,009 --> 00:03:07,444
Got it?
92
00:03:07,478 --> 00:03:08,645
My God, Liz.
93
00:03:08,679 --> 00:03:10,731
I am furious.
94
00:03:10,782 --> 00:03:12,582
You know what would
make us all feel better?
95
00:03:12,583 --> 00:03:13,317
A ladies' brunch.
96
00:03:13,351 --> 00:03:15,285
These bitches are down for it.
97
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:16,787
How can you be so calm?
98
00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:19,156
I mean, why would Tracy do this to you?
99
00:03:19,190 --> 00:03:20,991
Wait, what are we talking about?
100
00:03:21,025 --> 00:03:23,360
"I agree @therealstephenhawking.
101
00:03:23,378 --> 00:03:24,527
"Women are not funny.
102
00:03:24,546 --> 00:03:25,796
"Never have been.
103
00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:27,414
Never will be."
104
00:03:27,465 --> 00:03:29,716
Nerd rage!
105
00:03:42,767 --> 00:03:45,567
30 ROCK
S07 Ep03 - Stride of Pride
106
00:03:45,742 --> 00:03:49,042
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
107
00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:51,514
How am I supposed to
explain this to Jenna,
108
00:03:51,540 --> 00:03:53,323
who has been your comedy partner
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00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:54,741
for almost seven years?
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00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:56,109
Do you want me to talk to her?
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00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:59,196
Honestly, I never realized
she was trying to be funny.
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00:03:59,230 --> 00:04:01,164
I guess I just thought
she was a wig model.
113
00:04:01,199 --> 00:04:03,367
- Unacceptable.
- Come on, Lem Lizzit.
114
00:04:03,401 --> 00:04:05,335
Name one truly funny woman.
115
00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:07,871
No. I refuse to answer
this question with a list.
116
00:04:07,905 --> 00:04:08,922
It's insulting.
117
00:04:08,957 --> 00:04:10,624
You wouldn't ask an Asian person
118
00:04:10,675 --> 00:04:12,676
to give you a list of good Asian drivers.
119
00:04:12,710 --> 00:04:15,412
Gary Tang, Ziang Chu, Roy Chung...
120
00:04:15,430 --> 00:04:17,297
- Stop it.
- I was done anyway.
121
00:04:17,348 --> 00:04:19,749
Look, if women are so funny,
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00:04:19,767 --> 00:04:22,219
do something funny right now.
123
00:04:22,253 --> 00:04:23,687
Welcome to the flower shop...
124
00:04:23,721 --> 00:04:26,056
No! I don't have to prove
anything to you.
125
00:04:26,090 --> 00:04:29,059
Maybe men and women
find different things funny.
126
00:04:29,093 --> 00:04:32,279
Maybe things that men like
are boring to women.
127
00:04:32,313 --> 00:04:34,097
No, everyone likes our things.
128
00:04:34,115 --> 00:04:35,115
Football.
129
00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:36,283
Motorcycles.
130
00:04:36,317 --> 00:04:37,434
Steak restaurants.
131
00:04:37,452 --> 00:04:39,486
Really dark superhero movies.
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00:04:39,537 --> 00:04:41,938
These are things that suck.
133
00:04:41,956 --> 00:04:43,657
But women don't go around wasting our time
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00:04:43,708 --> 00:04:45,075
writing articles about them.
135
00:04:45,109 --> 00:04:49,946
And I am not gonna waste my time
engaging you on this topic.
136
00:04:49,964 --> 00:04:51,715
Well, that went well.
137
00:04:51,749 --> 00:04:53,483
See? That's the kind of
hilarious button
138
00:04:53,518 --> 00:04:55,335
chicks can't come up with.
139
00:05:02,894 --> 00:05:05,429
What is it, Kenneth?
I'm answering my fan mail.
140
00:05:05,463 --> 00:05:08,565
Nothing.
Just doing my daily rounds.
141
00:05:08,599 --> 00:05:11,234
My lips are so dry.
142
00:05:11,269 --> 00:05:15,439
I better wet them with this mop.
143
00:05:15,473 --> 00:05:16,740
No.
144
00:05:16,774 --> 00:05:20,911
Now my undershirt is wet with mop juice.
145
00:05:20,945 --> 00:05:23,613
I see what's going on here.
146
00:05:23,647 --> 00:05:25,248
You be the janitor,
147
00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:27,000
and I'll be the piece of gum on the floor
148
00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:28,651
that you just can't chisel off.
149
00:05:28,670 --> 00:05:30,287
Sure is hot in here.
150
00:05:30,321 --> 00:05:33,156
Maybe I should roll up my pants.
151
00:05:33,174 --> 00:05:34,374
Yeah.
152
00:05:34,425 --> 00:05:35,665
Show me that part of your shins
153
00:05:35,666 --> 00:05:39,096
that's hairless from your synthetic socks.
154
00:05:40,831 --> 00:05:41,998
Liz, Liz, Liz.
155
00:05:42,016 --> 00:05:43,300
Thank God.
156
00:05:43,334 --> 00:05:45,001
Also, I called in a fake page six item
157
00:05:45,019 --> 00:05:46,269
about how young Jenna is.
158
00:05:46,304 --> 00:05:47,521
I think our bases are covered.
159
00:05:47,555 --> 00:05:48,889
Wow.
Okay, great.
160
00:05:48,940 --> 00:05:50,140
We solved our Jenna problem.
161
00:05:50,174 --> 00:05:52,675
We did it!
Story over.
162
00:06:18,219 --> 00:06:19,803
Are you hungry?
163
00:06:19,837 --> 00:06:20,804
No, I'm okay.
164
00:06:20,838 --> 00:06:22,806
Do you want to go to a movie, or...
165
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:24,541
No. We can
just do it.
166
00:06:24,559 --> 00:06:27,227
Okay.
167
00:06:27,261 --> 00:06:28,979
Zarina, hello.
168
00:06:29,013 --> 00:06:30,013
Jack.
169
00:06:30,047 --> 00:06:31,932
This is Mindy.
Mindy, Zarina.
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00:06:31,983 --> 00:06:34,067
- Pleasure.
- Yeah.
171
00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:35,602
Shiny.
172
00:06:35,653 --> 00:06:37,354
Look, I know this is awkward.
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00:06:37,388 --> 00:06:38,989
But we never said we were exclusive.
174
00:06:39,023 --> 00:06:40,440
And like
a silver-backed gorilla
175
00:06:40,491 --> 00:06:41,742
or Mitt Romney's grandfather,
176
00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:43,276
I require more than one woman to...
177
00:06:43,327 --> 00:06:44,561
Jack, I understand.
178
00:06:44,579 --> 00:06:47,080
I'm sure Mindy gives you
certain things I can't.
179
00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:48,231
Indeed.
180
00:06:48,249 --> 00:06:49,899
The woman appears to have no hip joints.
181
00:06:49,917 --> 00:06:51,835
Thank you for being so,
182
00:06:51,869 --> 00:06:53,086
Zarina.
183
00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:55,422
Another old guy wanted to buy my shirt.
184
00:06:55,456 --> 00:06:57,007
Old guys are so funny.
185
00:06:57,041 --> 00:06:58,008
Who is this?
186
00:06:58,042 --> 00:07:00,076
Jack, Ryan.
Ryan, Jack.
187
00:07:00,094 --> 00:07:02,179
- Ryan.
- What's up?
188
00:07:02,213 --> 00:07:04,848
Ryan is my sex idiot.
189
00:07:07,935 --> 00:07:09,352
So, the other night
190
00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:12,589
my boyfriend and I were making love,
191
00:07:12,607 --> 00:07:15,758
and I suggested that we wear sleep masks.
192
00:07:15,777 --> 00:07:18,428
I hit my nose pretty hard
193
00:07:18,443 --> 00:07:19,563
on the bedside table, but...
194
00:07:19,597 --> 00:07:20,730
Liz Lemon.
195
00:07:20,764 --> 00:07:22,866
I just saw this hilarious dude on YouTube.
196
00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:24,934
You gotta put him on the show.
197
00:07:24,952 --> 00:07:26,653
No, it's...
198
00:07:26,704 --> 00:07:28,572
Of course, a hilarious dude.
199
00:07:28,606 --> 00:07:30,440
What was it, some idiot who let his friend
200
00:07:30,458 --> 00:07:32,576
- skateboard over his penis?
- Even better.
201
00:07:32,610 --> 00:07:35,378
It's a monkey, and his name is
Professor Wigglebottom.
202
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:36,413
A monkey?
203
00:07:36,447 --> 00:07:37,999
So no women are funny,
204
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,800
but you want me
to put a monkey on the show.
205
00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:42,385
My God, are we still talking about that?
206
00:07:42,420 --> 00:07:44,120
We debated this already, and I won.
207
00:07:44,138 --> 00:07:46,389
Tracy, I'm not putting any monkeys on TGS.
208
00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:47,641
Because you know what?
209
00:07:47,675 --> 00:07:49,059
I don't think monkeys are funny.
210
00:07:49,093 --> 00:07:51,628
How dare you generalize so crassly.
211
00:07:51,646 --> 00:07:52,846
- I'm offended.
- Okay.
212
00:07:52,897 --> 00:07:54,231
Name one funny monkey.
213
00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:55,965
Bonzo, Clyde, the bear...
214
00:07:55,983 --> 00:07:58,652
No! I refuse to answer
this question with a list.
215
00:07:58,686 --> 00:08:01,521
It's insulting to monkeys,
and their descendants...
216
00:08:01,572 --> 00:08:02,572
Humans!
217
00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:05,141
I win again.
218
00:08:05,159 --> 00:08:06,660
You're okay with this, right, Jack?
219
00:08:06,694 --> 00:08:08,311
Of course.
How could I not be?
220
00:08:08,329 --> 00:08:09,446
I'm great-escaping you,
221
00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:11,081
so you have every right to do the same.
222
00:08:11,115 --> 00:08:13,283
My generation calls it pokemoning.
223
00:08:13,317 --> 00:08:15,452
Gotta catch 'em all.
224
00:08:15,486 --> 00:08:17,204
I assume your, sex idiot
225
00:08:17,255 --> 00:08:18,821
gives you something I cannot.
226
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:20,640
Although I can't imagine
what that might be.
227
00:08:22,677 --> 00:08:25,262
Really?
228
00:08:25,296 --> 00:08:27,163
So how many other pokemons are there?
229
00:08:27,181 --> 00:08:28,665
Jack.
230
00:08:28,683 --> 00:08:32,853
The plural of Pokemon
is "Pokemon."
231
00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:33,854
Mindy... Mindy...
232
00:08:33,888 --> 00:08:36,139
No, Ryan Lochte!
233
00:08:36,173 --> 00:08:39,173
- Look at me... focus.
- Mindy.
234
00:08:42,833 --> 00:08:43,883
Ms. Maroney.
235
00:08:43,918 --> 00:08:46,002
Did you see this newspaper headline?
236
00:08:46,036 --> 00:08:49,038
"Teens gone wild: Is Jenna
Maroney partying too hard?"
237
00:08:49,056 --> 00:08:51,091
Be careful, you don't want
to turn out like
238
00:08:51,142 --> 00:08:52,559
Amanda Byne-us.
239
00:08:52,593 --> 00:08:54,544
Did I do it right?
240
00:08:54,562 --> 00:08:56,045
That's a lie.
241
00:08:56,063 --> 00:08:58,398
I am much too old to party.
242
00:08:58,432 --> 00:09:00,049
I watch Castle,
243
00:09:00,067 --> 00:09:01,818
and my purse is filled with sweet'n lows.
244
00:09:01,852 --> 00:09:03,886
Liz, can I ask you a question?
245
00:09:03,904 --> 00:09:05,221
Don't let her take me.
246
00:09:05,239 --> 00:09:06,999
It's not gonna be a question,
it's gonna be
247
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:08,792
a series of mean statements.
248
00:09:08,826 --> 00:09:10,827
If I find out that someone around here
249
00:09:10,861 --> 00:09:13,563
planted this disgusting story
that I'm young,
250
00:09:13,581 --> 00:09:15,865
I'm gonna do to them
what I did to my own ribs...
251
00:09:15,899 --> 00:09:17,667
Take them out.
252
00:09:17,701 --> 00:09:19,569
Jeezit was me, okay?
I did it.
253
00:09:19,587 --> 00:09:22,338
Then Magazine said I was 56.
254
00:09:22,373 --> 00:09:24,374
- Wait, you saw that?
- Well, of course I did.
255
00:09:24,408 --> 00:09:25,842
I planted it.
256
00:09:25,876 --> 00:09:27,410
What?
Why?
257
00:09:27,428 --> 00:09:29,763
To escape the curse
of the middle-aged actress.
258
00:09:29,797 --> 00:09:32,582
Instead of losing a push-up
contest to Julie Bowen
259
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:34,968
to see who gets to play
Kevin James's mean wife
260
00:09:35,019 --> 00:09:36,586
who he's sick of having sex with,
261
00:09:36,604 --> 00:09:38,138
I'm gonna skip ahead to being
262
00:09:38,189 --> 00:09:40,940
an amazing slut who wins Oscars.
263
00:09:40,975 --> 00:09:42,692
I mean, how hot is Helen Mirren?
264
00:09:42,726 --> 00:09:45,366
Super-hot. I mean, have you seen
that picture of her in a bikini?
265
00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:46,429
She looks amazing for...
266
00:09:46,447 --> 00:09:48,198
Exactly...
"For."
267
00:09:48,232 --> 00:09:51,601
She looks amazing
for a 67-year-old.
268
00:09:51,619 --> 00:09:53,069
She's actually not that hot.
269
00:09:53,103 --> 00:09:54,704
She's got a gut and British legs.
270
00:09:54,738 --> 00:09:55,738
All right, settle down.
271
00:09:55,772 --> 00:09:56,772
Well, now we know.
272
00:09:56,791 --> 00:09:58,575
It won't happen again.
273
00:09:58,609 --> 00:10:00,410
What if it's too late, Liz?
274
00:10:00,444 --> 00:10:02,124
I'm in the running for an endorsement deal
275
00:10:02,125 --> 00:10:03,246
with Geri-Chair,
276
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:05,448
America's number one
motorized stair climber.
277
00:10:05,466 --> 00:10:06,633
I know Geri-Chair.
278
00:10:06,667 --> 00:10:08,467
They're the company
that makes my bed steps.
279
00:10:08,468 --> 00:10:10,670
You better not have
messed this up for me, Liz.
280
00:10:10,721 --> 00:10:15,925
Because I will take them out.
281
00:10:15,959 --> 00:10:18,127
I'm scared, but it tickles.
282
00:10:22,633 --> 00:10:23,733
I am aware of this.
283
00:10:23,767 --> 00:10:25,768
Zarina is
great-escaping me,
284
00:10:25,802 --> 00:10:27,353
and of course, I'm fine with it.
285
00:10:27,404 --> 00:10:30,139
Really? Because I've seen that
look on your face before.
286
00:10:30,157 --> 00:10:31,458
When Jack Welch called you Rick.
287
00:10:31,492 --> 00:10:32,859
And I was fine with that too.
288
00:10:32,910 --> 00:10:34,744
I mean, he and I had met only, like,
289
00:10:34,778 --> 00:10:36,996
a million times,
so why should he remember me.
290
00:10:37,031 --> 00:10:39,032
Maybe I should meet these other men
291
00:10:39,083 --> 00:10:40,316
in Zarina's Pokemon.
292
00:10:40,334 --> 00:10:41,651
No, bad idea.
293
00:10:41,669 --> 00:10:42,869
There are no bad ideas, Lemon,
294
00:10:42,870 --> 00:10:44,954
only great ideas that go horribly wrong.
295
00:10:44,988 --> 00:10:48,258
Look, when no conceivable good
can come of something,
296
00:10:48,292 --> 00:10:49,459
don't engage.
297
00:10:49,493 --> 00:10:51,053
I would love to keep arguing with Tracy
298
00:10:51,054 --> 00:10:52,974
about whether women
are funnier than monkeys...
299
00:10:52,996 --> 00:10:56,516
I once saw a monkey in a cowboy outfit.
300
00:10:56,550 --> 00:10:58,184
I would love to see the town
301
00:10:58,219 --> 00:10:59,335
he's the sheriff of.
302
00:10:59,353 --> 00:11:01,604
The point is, why do I
care what Tracy thinks?
303
00:11:01,639 --> 00:11:03,273
I don't, 'cause I know the truth.
304
00:11:03,307 --> 00:11:04,641
Women are just as funny as men,
305
00:11:04,675 --> 00:11:06,025
and you know the truth too.
306
00:11:06,060 --> 00:11:07,143
I do.
307
00:11:07,177 --> 00:11:08,511
I am the complete package.
308
00:11:08,529 --> 00:11:10,897
I don't need to know
what one thing I give Zarina.
309
00:11:10,948 --> 00:11:12,181
I mean, who cares?
310
00:11:12,199 --> 00:11:13,316
- Not me.
- Great.
311
00:11:13,350 --> 00:11:14,617
So we're not engaging.
312
00:11:14,652 --> 00:11:15,851
This is growth, Jack.
313
00:11:15,870 --> 00:11:17,287
And we are gonna celebrate
314
00:11:17,321 --> 00:11:19,455
by going to a brunch place
and talking about
315
00:11:19,490 --> 00:11:21,324
my new sex-positive
lifestyle.
316
00:11:21,358 --> 00:11:22,408
Absolutely not.
317
00:11:22,459 --> 00:11:23,576
We did it in the shower.
318
00:11:23,627 --> 00:11:25,161
My shoes got ruined.
319
00:11:25,195 --> 00:11:28,331
I said no!
320
00:11:28,365 --> 00:11:29,999
Sorry I'm late, everyone.
321
00:11:30,033 --> 00:11:32,802
I had to pick my friend up
from the train station.
322
00:11:32,836 --> 00:11:36,172
Say hello, Professor Wigglebottom!
323
00:11:36,206 --> 00:11:39,058
That dude's awesome.
324
00:11:39,093 --> 00:11:40,810
See how he's wearing clothes?
325
00:11:40,844 --> 00:11:41,877
And he's got a suitcase
326
00:11:41,896 --> 00:11:43,563
like he's going on a business trip.
327
00:11:43,597 --> 00:11:45,515
Why's he being so professional?
328
00:11:45,549 --> 00:11:46,849
We should put him on the show!
329
00:11:46,883 --> 00:11:48,351
He could play a young Steven Tyler.
330
00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:52,054
He looks like me if I were fancy.
331
00:11:52,072 --> 00:11:53,656
See, Liz?
332
00:11:53,691 --> 00:11:55,191
Everyone's laughing!
333
00:11:55,225 --> 00:11:57,527
Because there are things
that are just funny.
334
00:11:57,561 --> 00:11:59,529
Like monkeys, the three stooges,
335
00:11:59,563 --> 00:12:00,563
and me!
336
00:12:02,750 --> 00:12:04,367
And some things just aren't.
337
00:12:04,401 --> 00:12:07,203
Like females, and listing only two things.
338
00:12:07,237 --> 00:12:10,590
I'd like to see Lucille Ball
do this on TV!
339
00:12:10,624 --> 00:12:12,625
Male nipples, funny.
340
00:12:12,676 --> 00:12:14,010
Monkey nipples, funny.
341
00:12:14,044 --> 00:12:16,212
Female nipples, useless!
342
00:12:16,246 --> 00:12:18,464
Engaging!
343
00:12:18,515 --> 00:12:19,682
All right, that's it!
344
00:12:19,717 --> 00:12:21,157
I will prove to you once and for all
345
00:12:21,158 --> 00:12:22,758
that women are just as funny as monkeys.
346
00:12:22,770 --> 00:12:24,771
Jenna and I
are re-mounting
347
00:12:24,805 --> 00:12:28,524
our award-winning 1996
two-woman show.
348
00:12:28,559 --> 00:12:31,728
Right here, 4:00 P.M.,
mandatory.
349
00:12:43,874 --> 00:12:45,158
"Thinking of you, sweetie.
350
00:12:45,192 --> 00:12:48,110
"X-O, Zarina."
351
00:12:48,128 --> 00:12:49,945
"Sweetie."
352
00:12:49,964 --> 00:12:53,750
Why didn't she write,
"thinking of you, Jackie-bear?"
353
00:12:53,784 --> 00:12:57,670
She could have
written this... to anyone.
354
00:12:57,721 --> 00:12:59,756
Jonathan, get me a young person.
355
00:12:59,790 --> 00:13:01,891
Who has a social life.
356
00:13:01,925 --> 00:13:03,459
It's a group email, isn't it?
357
00:13:03,477 --> 00:13:05,795
This woman is pokemoning me.
358
00:13:05,813 --> 00:13:06,796
She's blind-copied you,
359
00:13:06,814 --> 00:13:09,949
but if you just click this plus sign...
360
00:13:09,984 --> 00:13:12,802
Yep.
There's the whole group.
361
00:13:12,820 --> 00:13:16,189
Hip420@brooklyn. Beard,
362
00:13:16,223 --> 00:13:20,276
"ryunloktee"... misspelled...
@swimteam.org,
363
00:13:20,310 --> 00:13:24,347
kentremendous@fremulon. Biz...
364
00:13:24,381 --> 00:13:27,083
Totalpackage58...
Wait, that's me.
365
00:13:27,117 --> 00:13:29,836
I don't care if it takes all day.
366
00:13:29,870 --> 00:13:34,123
I want you to teach me how to
copy all of those email addresses
367
00:13:34,157 --> 00:13:38,378
and paste them into a new email.
368
00:13:38,429 --> 00:13:40,797
No, I understand.
369
00:13:40,831 --> 00:13:42,751
You'll let me know
when you've made a decision.
370
00:13:42,752 --> 00:13:46,185
But... okay, bye.
371
00:13:46,220 --> 00:13:47,670
How's it going, friendy?
372
00:13:47,688 --> 00:13:50,273
Well, that was Gerald Chair,
373
00:13:50,307 --> 00:13:51,641
the inventor of
the Geri-Chair.
374
00:13:51,675 --> 00:13:53,810
They're leaning towards Jamie Lee Curtis.
375
00:13:53,844 --> 00:13:56,229
She already beat me out for Activia,
376
00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:58,180
and cold flash menopause popsicles.
377
00:13:58,198 --> 00:14:00,316
Well, this might not be
378
00:14:00,350 --> 00:14:01,851
the best timing, but...
379
00:14:01,869 --> 00:14:03,319
- I need a favor.
- Yeah.
380
00:14:03,353 --> 00:14:05,688
Today's the day when I'm gonna
do my first favor ever.
381
00:14:05,706 --> 00:14:06,873
This isn't a favor for me,
382
00:14:06,907 --> 00:14:09,358
it's a favor for all women.
383
00:14:09,376 --> 00:14:11,160
We are gonna prove Tracy wrong...
384
00:14:11,194 --> 00:14:12,495
- Bored.
- And show him
385
00:14:12,529 --> 00:14:14,196
how funny women are.
386
00:14:14,214 --> 00:14:15,915
- Are we, though?
- By...
387
00:14:15,966 --> 00:14:18,968
Re-staging our old show.
388
00:14:19,002 --> 00:14:21,087
Our old show.
389
00:14:25,809 --> 00:14:27,593
Are you thinking, or doing kegels?
390
00:14:27,644 --> 00:14:30,680
Yes. Let's do it.
391
00:14:30,714 --> 00:14:32,482
But we have to do the doctor sketch,
392
00:14:32,516 --> 00:14:34,049
the one where I'm a little girl.
393
00:14:34,068 --> 00:14:35,184
Sure.
Absolutely.
394
00:14:35,218 --> 00:14:37,018
And thank you for being
a friend about this.
395
00:14:37,019 --> 00:14:38,521
Yes, friend.
396
00:14:38,555 --> 00:14:40,490
I mean, yes...
397
00:14:40,524 --> 00:14:42,608
Friend.
398
00:14:44,945 --> 00:14:46,345
Thank you for coming in, gentlemen.
399
00:14:46,346 --> 00:14:48,948
I look forward to discovering
exactly what each of you
400
00:14:48,999 --> 00:14:51,284
has to offer Zarina that I do not.
401
00:14:51,335 --> 00:14:53,536
I know she has a sex idiot
402
00:14:53,570 --> 00:14:55,237
for uninhibited experimentation.
403
00:14:55,255 --> 00:14:56,956
No, I'm pretty sure we're in love.
404
00:14:57,007 --> 00:14:58,687
A filthy hippie to make her feel bohemian.
405
00:14:58,709 --> 00:15:00,543
I get it, I can't give her that.
406
00:15:00,577 --> 00:15:02,017
Someone to make her parents angry...
407
00:15:02,045 --> 00:15:04,013
Man, is that all I am to her?
408
00:15:04,047 --> 00:15:05,364
It's 2012.
409
00:15:05,399 --> 00:15:07,967
Sorry, Norbert.
The truth hurts.
410
00:15:08,018 --> 00:15:09,018
Interesting.
411
00:15:09,052 --> 00:15:10,753
A mean wall street type.
412
00:15:10,787 --> 00:15:12,955
I would have thoughtht I was
the money guy.
413
00:15:12,973 --> 00:15:14,123
So what does that make me?
414
00:15:14,141 --> 00:15:16,426
Just the perfect head of hair?
415
00:15:16,460 --> 00:15:20,313
- Hey. Sorry I'm late.
- Heavenly father.
416
00:15:20,347 --> 00:15:22,181
You must be Ken tremendous.
417
00:15:22,232 --> 00:15:23,349
I don't understand.
418
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:24,664
What am I doing here?
419
00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:27,879
We've covered all the classic
boyfriend archetypes.
420
00:15:27,905 --> 00:15:30,356
Except the father figure.
421
00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:31,774
Where is that guy, am I right?
422
00:15:31,808 --> 00:15:34,944
The one who falls asleep
at the opera, and doesn't notice
423
00:15:34,978 --> 00:15:37,813
that she's texting
her real boyfriend from his bed.
424
00:15:37,831 --> 00:15:40,616
Where's that sucker?
425
00:15:42,786 --> 00:15:44,921
No...
Is it me?
426
00:15:54,910 --> 00:15:57,445
Ladies and gentlemen,
what you are about to see
427
00:15:57,496 --> 00:16:00,698
is a classic sketch from the Chicago area
428
00:16:00,732 --> 00:16:03,084
piven-nominated
two-woman show,
429
00:16:03,118 --> 00:16:04,201
Maroney and Lemon.
430
00:16:04,235 --> 00:16:08,038
I take you now to this...
431
00:16:08,072 --> 00:16:11,058
Doctor's office.
432
00:16:11,093 --> 00:16:13,544
Doctor, I'm unhappy
433
00:16:13,578 --> 00:16:15,296
with me widdle body.
434
00:16:15,347 --> 00:16:16,380
Can you help me?
435
00:16:16,414 --> 00:16:17,915
Well, of course.
436
00:16:17,933 --> 00:16:20,601
Toddler plastic surgery is
an exciting new field.
437
00:16:20,635 --> 00:16:23,387
We can take you down
an entire diaper size.
438
00:16:25,190 --> 00:16:26,440
♪ This sketch is hilarious ♪
439
00:16:26,475 --> 00:16:28,392
♪ take it from me ♪
440
00:16:28,426 --> 00:16:31,312
♪ women are funny we can all agree ♪
441
00:16:31,363 --> 00:16:33,096
♪ Carrol Burnett,
Lucille Ball... ♪
442
00:16:33,115 --> 00:16:34,315
♪ no, not gonna do it ♪
443
00:16:34,366 --> 00:16:35,950
♪ it's beneath us all ♪
444
00:16:35,984 --> 00:16:39,036
♪ 'cause we don't need to
prove it to you ♪
445
00:16:39,070 --> 00:16:42,156
♪ no, we don't need to prove it to you ♪
446
00:16:42,207 --> 00:16:44,074
"Tank" you, doctor.
447
00:16:44,108 --> 00:16:45,108
Don't thank me,
448
00:16:45,127 --> 00:16:47,378
thank Roe V. Wade.
♪ whoo ♪
449
00:16:47,412 --> 00:16:48,746
♪ no, we don't need ♪
450
00:16:48,780 --> 00:16:49,947
♪ to prove it ♪
451
00:16:49,965 --> 00:16:51,298
♪ I didn't see that coming ♪
452
00:16:51,333 --> 00:16:53,617
♪ no, we don't need to prove it ♪
453
00:16:53,635 --> 00:16:57,421
♪ to you ♪
454
00:16:57,455 --> 00:16:59,056
That was actually funny, Liz.
455
00:16:59,090 --> 00:17:01,258
So why do TGS suck so much?
456
00:17:01,292 --> 00:17:03,227
Thanks, Frank.
457
00:17:03,261 --> 00:17:06,096
Elizabeth Q. Lemonade,
I owe you an apology.
458
00:17:06,130 --> 00:17:07,297
That skit was funny.
459
00:17:07,315 --> 00:17:08,599
Like, monkey funny.
460
00:17:08,633 --> 00:17:10,935
Thanks.
That means a lot, Tracy.
461
00:17:10,969 --> 00:17:12,809
When you were, like,
"come in, I'm a doctor,"
462
00:17:12,810 --> 00:17:13,810
- Yeah.
- And you had on
463
00:17:13,811 --> 00:17:16,190
that lab coat, like a doctor.
464
00:17:16,241 --> 00:17:18,943
A lady doctor...
My God,
465
00:17:18,977 --> 00:17:20,277
that is hilarious!
466
00:17:20,311 --> 00:17:22,151
Really? That's what you
thought the joke was,
467
00:17:22,152 --> 00:17:23,581
there's a female doctor?
468
00:17:23,615 --> 00:17:25,032
Yeah.
And Jenna,
469
00:17:25,083 --> 00:17:28,335
you as that sad old prostitute
trying to look young...
470
00:17:28,370 --> 00:17:29,670
Commentary!
471
00:17:29,704 --> 00:17:32,506
Old?
Thank you, Tracy.
472
00:17:32,541 --> 00:17:33,901
That's the only reason I did this.
473
00:17:33,925 --> 00:17:36,760
And it was spectacular!
474
00:17:36,795 --> 00:17:39,180
Gerald!
You came!
475
00:17:39,214 --> 00:17:41,215
You bet I did, baby.
476
00:17:41,266 --> 00:17:43,934
There's nothing older
than trying to be young.
477
00:17:43,969 --> 00:17:46,670
And you looked like
a million years up there.
478
00:17:46,688 --> 00:17:48,189
Congratulations.
479
00:17:48,223 --> 00:17:49,940
You are Geri-Chair's
480
00:17:49,975 --> 00:17:53,176
new spokes-crone!
481
00:17:53,195 --> 00:17:54,695
Lolo Jones, a man couldn't even do
482
00:17:54,729 --> 00:17:55,846
that doctor sketch.
483
00:17:55,864 --> 00:17:57,448
We would've just been sitting there
484
00:17:57,482 --> 00:17:59,850
listening to his medical advice.
485
00:17:59,868 --> 00:18:01,485
You were right, Liz Lemon.
486
00:18:01,519 --> 00:18:04,290
Women can be funny.
487
00:18:06,324 --> 00:18:08,158
You know what?
I'll take it.
488
00:18:08,192 --> 00:18:10,744
Stride of pride.
489
00:18:21,389 --> 00:18:22,389
Jenna?
490
00:18:22,424 --> 00:18:24,875
Jack, I'm sorry.
491
00:18:24,893 --> 00:18:26,893
I didn't think anyone
would be up here this late.
492
00:18:26,894 --> 00:18:28,596
Sometimes, I like to come up here at night
493
00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:30,681
and flash my breasts
at the empire state building.
494
00:18:30,715 --> 00:18:32,650
Is that the only building that you flash?
495
00:18:32,684 --> 00:18:35,603
Or do you also flash
the Time Warner center
496
00:18:35,654 --> 00:18:37,021
to make the Empire State Building
497
00:18:37,055 --> 00:18:38,439
feel like an old fool.
498
00:18:38,490 --> 00:18:40,274
Are you all right, Jack?
499
00:18:40,325 --> 00:18:42,893
You look like that flash card
they told me means sadness.
500
00:18:42,911 --> 00:18:45,913
I have to break it off
with a woman I'm seeing.
501
00:18:45,947 --> 00:18:48,365
I found out I'm just an aging squirtle
502
00:18:48,399 --> 00:18:50,751
in her Pokemon.
503
00:18:50,785 --> 00:18:53,254
That's tough.
504
00:18:53,288 --> 00:18:55,072
Accepting the way other people see us
505
00:18:55,090 --> 00:18:56,590
can be difficult.
506
00:18:56,625 --> 00:18:59,543
I mean, inside,
I still feel like a sex idiot.
507
00:18:59,577 --> 00:19:03,213
But I have to accept the fact
that I'm fake 56 now,
508
00:19:03,247 --> 00:19:05,916
and I'm more of a Diane Lane
ageless beauty.
509
00:19:05,934 --> 00:19:08,636
But don't fight it, embrace it.
510
00:19:08,687 --> 00:19:09,753
Look.
511
00:19:09,771 --> 00:19:11,855
Do you really want this girl asking you
512
00:19:11,890 --> 00:19:13,891
to go hear her friend DJ in Brooklyn?
513
00:19:13,925 --> 00:19:15,476
No, that sounds exhausting.
514
00:19:15,527 --> 00:19:17,111
Do you want to drive five hours
515
00:19:17,145 --> 00:19:18,595
to go rock climbing with her,
516
00:19:18,613 --> 00:19:20,364
and be expected to have sex after?
517
00:19:20,398 --> 00:19:22,265
I do not.
I mean, my back.
518
00:19:22,284 --> 00:19:23,433
So don't break up with her.
519
00:19:23,451 --> 00:19:25,486
Just be the older person.
520
00:19:25,537 --> 00:19:26,737
It's fun.
521
00:19:26,771 --> 00:19:29,106
You get to say racist stuff
whenever you want,
522
00:19:29,124 --> 00:19:31,492
and people bring you soup.
523
00:19:31,543 --> 00:19:34,444
I do like soup.
524
00:19:40,168 --> 00:19:43,470
Okay, so maybe I never
got my Sex and the city brunch.
525
00:19:43,505 --> 00:19:45,622
And maybe I never got to share the fact
526
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:48,458
that I now know
four different sexual positions,
527
00:19:48,476 --> 00:19:50,728
one of which involves a chair.
528
00:19:50,762 --> 00:19:54,014
But maybe a good relationship
is more than that, anyway.
529
00:19:54,065 --> 00:19:58,135
All this talk of great-escaping
and pokemons got me thinking.
530
00:19:58,153 --> 00:19:59,469
Is accepting who you are
531
00:19:59,487 --> 00:20:01,588
the secret to getting what you want?
532
00:20:01,623 --> 00:20:02,639
Action!
533
00:20:02,657 --> 00:20:04,474
Geri-Chair makes it safe
534
00:20:04,492 --> 00:20:06,309
for me to spend Christmas alone.
535
00:20:06,328 --> 00:20:09,663
Do men and women really
see the world so differently?
536
00:20:09,698 --> 00:20:12,983
Or can we agree that we're all
just monkeys with suitcases
537
00:20:13,001 --> 00:20:14,618
trying to seem like people?
538
00:20:14,652 --> 00:20:16,453
Well played, Professor.
539
00:20:18,506 --> 00:20:20,541
Wait...
You're a female?
540
00:20:20,592 --> 00:20:23,877
How you doin', girl?
541
00:20:23,928 --> 00:20:27,047
Can we get everything
we need from one person?
542
00:20:27,098 --> 00:20:28,882
Or is that what friends are for,
543
00:20:28,933 --> 00:20:31,635
to be the allied P.O.W.'s
544
00:20:31,669 --> 00:20:33,670
and whimsical Japanese
mini-creatures
545
00:20:33,688 --> 00:20:35,923
that help us get through life?
546
00:20:35,957 --> 00:20:38,225
Now, this is how people danced
547
00:20:38,276 --> 00:20:40,394
before Chubby Checker ruined everything.
548
00:20:40,445 --> 00:20:43,063
I guess what I'm saying is
549
00:20:43,114 --> 00:20:45,449
I need to modify my zappos order,
550
00:20:45,483 --> 00:20:48,518
so please email me back
at your earliest convenience.
551
00:20:54,074 --> 00:20:55,908
Phyllis Diller, Joan Rivers,
552
00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:58,356
Gilda Radner, Lucille ball,
553
00:20:58,358 --> 00:21:01,893
Julia Louis-Dreyfus,
Carol Burnett, Lily Tomlin.
554
00:21:01,895 --> 00:21:03,194
Yes, thank you, Tracy.
555
00:21:03,196 --> 00:21:04,762
Those are all very funny women.
556
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,030
Funny women?
557
00:21:06,032 --> 00:21:07,392
Those are the names of my fingers.
558
00:21:07,393 --> 00:21:09,400
Irma Bombeck, Tig Notaro...
559
00:21:09,402 --> 00:21:13,571
Is my impression of a Chinese person.
560
00:21:13,573 --> 00:21:15,072
Wait! Hold on!
561
00:21:15,074 --> 00:21:17,792
Ellen DeGeneres, Mo'nique,
and Roseanne Barr.
562
00:21:17,794 --> 00:21:19,827
Now that's some funny women.
563
00:21:19,829 --> 00:21:21,329
All of whom have screamed at me
564
00:21:21,331 --> 00:21:24,365
because they were on their period.
565
00:21:25,698 --> 00:21:30,698
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
566
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:34,067
Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player
567
00:21:34,117 --> 00:21:38,667
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