All language subtitles for 30 Rock S05e20e21 100.eng

This better be important, Jack.

I was in the middle of bidding

on a bag of bras on eBay.

Lemon, Hank Hooper
is on his way

up from Philadelphia,

and he wants to meet
with both of us.

Why does he want to meet me?

Do you think it's a good thing?

It's not, hon.

I saw that in a movie once,

but in the movie,
the guy was dead.

Nice tie, Jack.

How long have you been there?

I was sitting in that chair
a minute ago.

Nope.
That was me.

What can I say?
I smell like leather.

And you must be Elizabeth Lemon.

Oh.

Well, I'll be Bake McBrided.

I know a Philly gal when I hug one.

Now, Elizabeth, I like
to look someone in the eye

and smile when I say that what
you're doing is bad.

It's just horrible.

Without Tracy, your show
is like my cholesterol.

The numbers are killing me.

So I'm gonna cancel TGS.

Hank, as you know,

tonight is TGS's 100th episode.

And we've been getting
some good media buzz.

Got on Wikipedia this week.

So you did 99 shows
against all odds and reason.

That's something.

- Now it's time to rest.
- Really?

You want to cancel the
only show on your network

starring a 42-year-old woman?

A show that is number one
in its time slot

among men 18 to 49

months left in prison?

I thought this company was a family,

but I guess it's that Austrian family

and I am the girl in the basement,

and you are the dad
who has been brutally--

Thank you, Lemon.

What Liz is neglecting to tell you

is that Tracy Jordan is back.

Oh.

Well, that's something.

And I would consider it
a personal favor

if you would let them
do the 100th episode

and then reevaluate
the show with Tracy in it.

All right.

You get one more shot.

Just like the army doctor
said to me

after my weekend in Okinawa.

You know, Jack,
I'm amazed at how much

you will stick your neck out
for your people.

It's no wonder you're here with
us good folks at Kabletown

instead of running GE.

They're mean.

Jack Welch once smacked a pretzel

out of my hand at the Super Bowl.

Is Tracy back?

I'd hate to think I just lied to Hank.

Geez, I'll get it done.

You know I'll do whatever it takes.

Lemon-style.

? Everybody dance now ?

You gonna get me
another sandwich

or I'm gonna cut
your face up so bad

you'll have a chin.

I will waste you!

You'll have to go through
this old bastard first.

And I don't really
think it's fair

for me to be on a jury
because I'm a hologram.

What is the holdup with Tracy?

I thought you found him.

I did find him,
but he's still crazy.

He thinks he can't be
funny anymore

because now's a big Oscar winner.

People respect him too much.

He told me he feels like
a Bartram's Scrub-Hairstreak

trying to crawl back
into its silky cocoon.

Which is a butterfly metaphor,
by the way,

and not, as I first thought,

a list of African-American
hair pduducts.

Well you just need to turn
the beautiful butterfly

back into a drunk,
incompetent caterpillar.

And I have a plan.

I booked him on every morning
show in New York.

Traci will destroy all his
goodwill in time for rehearsal.

I've been prepping him all week.

So, Tracy Jordan,

My wife Joey and I were
in Maralago--

Jesus was black!

Just get him back
in time for the show.

I have a very full plate.

Really?
Is it from that pie place?

And I'm tired of going to bat

for you and your show.

Oh, okay.
Fine.

But just to be clear--

There is no pie.

Okay.

Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

? who wears a swimsuit
to Denny's? ?

? that's her ?

- ? that's me ?
- ? that's Pam ?

the overly-confident,
morbidly obese woman.

I can't sit in a booth!

And cut.

Congratulations, everyone.

In 100 shows,
we've done Pam 107 times.

Can you believe it's been five years

since we first started doing this?

Um, that wasn't me.

There used to be another guy.

I don't think so.

Happy 100th show, miss Maroney.

Danny and I were just talking about

what an amazing five years we've had.

I will choke you to death
with your boyfriend's wig!

Give me back my man, bitch!

Can you reminisce about something

that's happened since I've been here,

'cause I couldn't see any of that.

I'll never forget what you said to me

after that first show, miss Maroney.

Terrific show, ma'am.

If I know anything about television,

The Girlie Show is a hit.

Oh, please.

If this turkey goes 100 episodes,

I'll have your baby.

I said that?

I was so young.

Wait. I saw that.

How? Am I dead?

Well, it's been 100 episodes.

I better lay you across my
grandmother's lap

in the mating shed.

But seriously, imagine if Jenna

really was a mother.

It would be horrible.

The only thing I want latched
to my funbags

are celebrity DJs.

I don't know, miss Maroney.

I think you'd make a wonderful parent.

You could sing the baby to sleep

and tell it fairy tales and
act out all the witch parts.

You're serious?
You albino goon.

I wish.
Albinos get to be watchers

in the mating shed.

I can't even imagine you pregnant.

A picture of you in Us Weekly

next to Natalie Portman
in the same maternity outfit.

"Who wore it best?"

I did.
I wore it best.

A baby gets you attention.

Listen up, friends.

It's pep talk time.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat anything here.

If we don't get Tracy back

and do the best show
that we've ever done,

we're cancelled.

So we're counting on Tracy?

Forget it.

Frank, put that hat back on.

Look, we've been through
bad times before.

All right.

Ride it straight to hell!

Here come the roofies.

Where's my Mac and cheese?

And we've had some good times.

Who wants--
my puddings!

And I know what you are
all capable of.

This is your moment.

Tonight, TGS will not be
the worst thing on television.

It'll be John Stossel.

Who's with me?

Yeah!

Let's do it.

Good job.

Gas leak, huh?

Great.

Damn it.

Why now?

On my last day before retirement.

Here. Let me show you guys something.

That's my girl.

We're getting married
when I get out of here.

Why am I showing you guys this?

It's gonna jinx everything.

Plus you're a couple of pervs.

Should be all right
as long as the leak

doesn't get into--

ah, damn it.
Look at this.

It's going right into
the sixth floor air duct.

Damn it again!

Well, we're gonna have
to evacuate the sixth

until this thing's taken care of.

Who's up there?
TGS?

Isn't that show already
half-dead?

Who wants to kiss?

What do you say we get
some fresh air?

Jack, we�ve a problem- There's
a gas leak in the studio.

Do you know what
I find fascinating?

Mystery novels
written by janitors?

How everyone who comes
through my door

seems to want to talk about TGS

as if it's also
the only thing in my life.

Now, I may not be the head of ge,

but that doesn't mean
I'm not a very busy man.

I've got other things going
on too, you know.

See?
I got a new hair.

It's white and it hurts,
but--

How bad is this leak?

It's pretty bad.

Prolonged exposure
could lead to incapacitation

or even death.

Other possible side effects include

hallucinations, revelation of secrets,

telling of truths, flashbacks,

headaches, nostalgia.

Can you believe this is
happening to me

on my last day of work?

My last day.

I don't know if there
was a party planned--

Evacuate the sixth floor.

I don't care if anyone dies.

I refuse to have long,
gas-induced conversations

with any of you people.

Boy, you know,
over the past five years,

we've had a lot of crazy characters

and guest stars drop by TGS.

Thank you, Pete.

Thank you, Pete.

I can't believe it's been 100 shows.

More like 100 little strokes.

You know, The Girlie Show
was working just fine,

and then Jack came along
and forced me to hire Tracy,

and now look at us.

Oh, life was so much simpler
back then.

I had a boyfriend.
Dennis.

Sure, he was an idiot,
but he made great chili,

and he didn't care
if I watched TV during sex.

Yeah, maybe I was better off then.

Liz, we have to evacuate the floor.

There's a gas leak.

What?
What about the show?

Everyone, evacuate immediately.

This is not a drill.

The gas is not affecting me yet,

so I can lead you to safety.

Just follow these...
Troll penises!

Oh, God!
What have I done?

He is an Oscar winner for his role

as D'Jeffrey "Lucky" Seeda in
the movie Hard to Watch.

Please welcome Tracy Jordan.

Tracy!

Tracy.

Tracy?

Why don't you shut your mouth,

back that ass up
and make me a sandwich?

He's awesome.

You are still in character

as the verbally abusive D'Jeffrey.

I mean, he's become
such a part of him.

So, Tracy Jordan.

You asked to come on our show

because you had a revelation

about your post-Oscar
trip to Africa.

I lied to all you ugly white ladies.

I didn't go to Africa.

I was hiding in a warehouse in Queens,

watching vintage pornography.

I love your honesty.

It's because you didn't feel

like your authentic self

that you walked away from success.

That's actually very brave.
Don't you think?

No! It's unbrave!

- You should hate me!
- I can't.

You fly free.

I'm a bird in a cage.

Hey, you got to stay around.

We've got our no-cook cooking,
hair make-unders.

What does that even mean?

It's new haircuts,

but you can make salads with them.

A true artist...

He feels things we don't.

This is Today on NBC.

No, we can't do another Pam.

Not tonight.

Frank, what is this?

"Broken eyboard alk show"?

I write what I know.

Also I broke my keyboard.

No, we're throwing everything out

and starting over.

Only home runs, guys.
Focus up.

It's just hard to concentrate.

It's so nice working outside.

Tracy, how'd it go?

Are you on your way back?

It was a disaster!

What happened?
What about our plan?

I'm so beloved, I can do no wrong.

Now everyone's after me.

Unicef, the Gates foundation.

And what is Farm Aid?

Is it a drink?
Is it a drug?

Is it a bandage you put on a barn?

See, that's the kind of
lazy stand-up

I'll never do again.

Tracy, just come back,
do the show tonight,

and we'll figure all this out.

F-u, l.l.

Spells "full," because you're
full of BS, Liz Lemon.

Listen to me.
There's still time.

The media won't let you
embarrass yourself.

Be like Michael McDonald
and take it to the streets.

Get the public to hate you,
and the media will follow.

And then you'll get
your old life back.

Trust me.

You better be right, Liz Lemon,

'cause I can't take much more of this.

I think Bono got in my limo.

Liz!

Do you think I'd be a good mother?

No.

And I wasn't even drinking anything.

I just feel like I'm
at a point in my life

where I'm starting to have
this real desire

to nurture... my career.

I think pregnancy would
be a great PR move.

Oh, my God.

You want a baby to help your career?

Look... TGS may be going away.

Being pregnant is a great excuse
for why I stopped working

instead of the truth.

I'm in my 40s, very difficult,

and not that good
at playing La Realite.

Jenna, think about this.

You will have a child.

Who will grow up to be
a little gay fancy man.

Well, good luck finding
a man willing to ride

that crazy train.

I'll have you know I talked
with a man this morning

who thinks I'd be a wonderful mother.

He must be an idiot.

He is an idiot.

What about a sketch

about how the Empire State building

is controlling us with electricity?

Come on, get out of here.

Just maybe one more turn.

Then I can go home to my sweetheart.

I told her boy I'd hit a home run

for him tomorrow night.

Here we go.

Damn it!

I'm getting too old for this

"shh" sound that comes
from this gas pipe.

Who are you?

You're so handsome.

I'm Jack Donaghy,
CEO of General Electric.

Who are you?

I'm Jack Donaghy.

You were Jack Donaghy.

You were magnificent.

- I'm still magnificent.
- No.

I come from an alternate universe

in which I followed our plan

for world domination.

I run the general.

I own an NFL team.

I guest-starred on Entourage.

What do you do?

I'll tell you what I don't do.

Wear a striped tie
with a striped shirt.

It's called "Power Clashing"

and I do it because I can.

I wore this on the January cover

of Meetings magazine.

We made the cover during
meetings history month?

I made the cover.

What happened to you, Jack?

You were supposed
to spend six months in tv

as part of your climb
up the GE ladder.

You've been here five years.

And here...

Isn't even GE anymore.

It's Kableclown.

"Town," Donaghy, and that's not funny.

It was funny when I said it

on my syndicated radio show.

You bastard.

I'm doing fine!

You used to be a shark.

I still am.
Look at my claws!

Sharks don't have claws.

You don't even know
what a shark is anymore!

Oh, God.

Do you know why?

No.

Liz... Lemon.

Lemon?

She became your focus

at the expense of
your own ambition.

You should have
realized within a week

that Lemon was a black hole,

unworthy of our mentorship.

And now it's five years later,
and what are you doing?

Are you building factories
in bangalore?

Are you dining
in the Palin White House?

No.

You're approving
TGS wrap gifts.

Baseball caps with stupid
sayings from the show

written on them.

What the hell is a "Pwomp"?

It's when two fat people--

I don't care!

What's happened to you?

To us?

We make me sick.

Mr. Donaghy?

- What?
- Yes, Tom?

The gas leak has
spread to this floor.

You got to clear out before
you start seeing things.

- Thank you, tom.
- I'll clear you out!

Oh, okay.

The real Jack Donaghy

could handle a little gas leak!

I am a Jedi!

Hey, look.

Tracy Jordan is
ironically reappropriating

his bad past behavior
as a commentary

on Fitzgerald's dictum that
there are no second acts

in American life.

I want to take a picture of him

with my old-fashioned camera.

- No! No!
- Ah!

Help!
I can't swim!

Damn it!

He just pulled me out
of the water and said,

"Don't tell anyone I did this."

I didn't even get a chance
to congratulate him

on his Oscar.

Modesty and heroism.

Two words forever synonymous
with Tracy Jordan.

"Tracy Jordan saves drowning man"?

Ah, come on!

Why is Tracy off rescuing people?

Why isn't he here?

He will be, I promise.

And we need to be ready.

Lutz, what are you working on?

Breathing through my mouth

so I don't smell
the throw-up on s shirt.

I would take my shirt off,

but I visited my rescue chimp

for his birthday last week,

and another chimp got mad
and bit my nipple off.

He played with it,

and then he kissed it,

and then he ate it.

Damn it, lutz.
Focus up.

Where's my computer?

Cerie, did you not
bring my computer down?

You said you were writing.

I've only seen you use that computer

to look at pictures of Nate Berkus.

Ah! Pwomp!

Hey, Jack, you're friends

with Jeter and Springsteen, right?

Can you call and see if
they'll be in the cold open?

They'd have to kiss.

Oh, really, Lemon?

You still need my help?

Five years of my business life wasted,

and I'm still supposed
to hold your hand.

Your wet, yet somehow flaky hand.

- What just happened?
- You happened.

Sideways Jack was right.

Sideways what?

In here!

Did you also have
to evacuate the NBC Store?

No, it's just empty.

This TV nonsense

was supposed to be
my stepping stone,

and instead, it's my gravestone.

And do you know
whose fault that is?

Sort of feel like
you're gonna say Leno.

You.

I got so sucked
into trying to repair you

that I became
the American auto industry,

failing to recognize
that you can't fix a Lemon

Wow, yeah,
because the last five years

have been so great for me
with you as my mentor.

I was better off before we met.

So what's your point, Lemon?

You'd rather be doing The Girlie Show

and going home to Dennis?

I didn't say that.

But at least Dennis was always
there for me.

He's the only guy
I can say that about.

I dragged you down?

Opposite!

I should have gone with my gut

and fired you when we first met.

What?
Flashback, please.

Uh, Pete, hang back.

Yeah, you bet.

We have a problem.

I can explain.
My zipper broke.

I don't think Liz Lemon's
female voice

is a good match for Tracy Jordan.

Firing Lemon will send a
message to the whole staff.

No, no, you can't fire Liz.

This show is her life.

She hasn't got much going on.

She threw a birthday
party for her TV.

If you fire Liz,
then--

then I quit.

You'll never succeed
by sticking your neck out

for someone like her.

But if that's how you feel,
so be it.

The important thing
is that I fire someone...

Pete.

You tried to fire me?

And then a week later,
you're like,

"oh, I want to mentor you."

"Unlikely friendship."

Who do you think you are?

I'll tell you who I was.

That guy that fired Pete.

And he could have run GE,

but instead, he got lemoned.

I should have fired
you from my life.

I knew you were supposed to push,

but I didn't say anything.

Ugh.

Mmm.

The MSG is delicious today.

I'm so glad that you're able
to meet me on my break.

Is this just to talk,
or will you be activating

my electric underwear?

Just to talk.

Paul, do you think
I'd be a good mother?

Of course not.
And I'd be a terrible father.

I mean, what if we had a child

that was prettier than us?

We'd have to leave it in a desert.

But Kenneth thinks
I'd make a good mother.

Oh.

Is that something you want?

Wasn't something I thought about

until Kenneth said I'd be good at it.

And of course,
it'd be great for my career.

Everyone would talk
about my crazy name choice.

Right now, it's between
"Frisbeeface" and "Glock,"

gender irrelevant.

I love you, Jenna Maroney.

I want to hogtie you and hide you

in the luggage compartment
of a Greyhound bus

with just a bowl of dirty water.

I love you too.

But I don't know.

I mean, Kenneth Parcell
may be the only man

in the world who thinks you
should have a child.

Break's over, Paul.

Crew meeting in
Lady Chantarelle's office.

He's pissed.

- Hey, dummy.
- Gah! What?

Whoa.
You look good.

You lose weight or something?

Your neck, it looks looser.

What are you doing here, Dennis?

I got your message.

What message?

Dennis, it's dummy.

I miss you.

Come see me.

Things were better
five years ago, Jack.

I was in my 30s and everything.

Whazzup!

You've reached Dennis' voicemail.

"How you doing?"

Get out of here, Joey.

I'm recording
my voicemail message.

Is that real?

Okay, I did call you,

but I was not in my right mind.

I mean, how could I be,

to call you after everything
you've done?

Good evening, sir.

I'm Chris Hansen
with Dateline NBC.

Can I ask you what you're
doing here tonight?

Yeah, I'm here to boff some
chick named Mary.

Hey... threesome?

How about it, huh?

It's Tonya, right?

It's wonderful service.

Could you maybe not hit
on the waitress in front--

Chew and screw!
Run, dummy.

Ah!
Damn it, Dennis!

I checked a coat.

But you called me, Liz.

Oh, whatever.

'Cause down deep, you still got

all kinds of queer
feelings for me.

That's why I knew someday
you'd be all vulnerable

from a gas leak or a coma
or a super period.

You're disgusting.

And I would be there for you.

No. You know what I feel?

You were a mistake

that I made at a time in my life

when I could afford
to make mistakes.

That's what I miss,
Dennis, not you.

Okay, gang, they fixed
the gas leak.

They're airing out the studio.

We can start heading back up.

Whoa, hold on a second.

You think I'm just gonna
give up now, huh?

I'm a Duffy, Liz
and us Duffys,

we didn't give up when we got
kicked out of Ireland.

We didn't give up
when America sent us back.

And we didn't give up when Ireland

then just set us adrift
on a log, all right?

Come on, it's not over, Liz.

What a day!

Miss Lemon's gonna
get Mr. Jordan back.

We're gonna do the best show ever.

And out on the Plaza,

a bird landed on my apple.

I thought he was gonna eat it,
but he just sat there.

What's next?

A different bird landing
on a different apple?

Where are you, Tray?

- I'm back, Liz Lemon.
- Tracy's back!!

- Yeah!
- Yes!

I'm gonna need
an Obama cold open,

a fart doctor, and you know what?

Write up that bum's
Empire State building idea.

Fart doctor.

No, I mean I'm back
to where I was yesterday.

I can't get anyone mad at me.

I even called a woman's
basketball team

"Nappy-headed hos,"
but apparently,

I'm allowed to talk like that.

Why?

Tracy, come on.

Tracy Jordan?
Why isn't he here?

I just had a meeting
with News down on four.

Brian Williams sure gets close
to you when he talks.

Very feminine energy.

Anyway, I thought I'd just swing by

and introduce myself
to Tracy Jordan, but--

Ah!
He-- he is here.

You know, he just likes
to learn his lines

in the bathroom
and communicate by phone.

Actors, am I right?

You know, I once had to speak
to the Screen Actors Guild.

Bunch of nutjobs.

But you couldn't make movies
and TV without 'em.

I'm just kidding!

I mean, look at
March of the Penguins.

Who was in that?

Good luck tonight.

You're gonna need it.

Tracy, you can do this.

You have to be at
the show tonight.

Tracy who?

I don't even know
who I am anymore.

Look, you think the world
has turned its back on you?

I know a place where
that's not true.

A place where you can remember
the man you used to be.

A place where you
can eat buffet ribs

while someone's daughter
shakes her crack at you.

Tracy Jordan, I am taking you
to a strip club.

Oh, excuse me, miss.

How much is a lap dance?

I'm a little light on cash,

but I have a PayPal account.

Oh, my God.
Tracy Jordan?

That's right.
Party time.

When I saw you in
Hard to Watch...

No, no, keep it light.

You inspired me to contact

my biological father.

No daddy stuff.

I hadn't spoken to him in 13 years.

Maybe show him your butt.

There are tears falling
on her boobies, Liz Lemon.

I know you've been molested.

That's how we all got here,

but I don't want to hear about it.

I just wanted to let you know

that I'm going into the Navy.

Because like you
said in your movie,

"I invent my tomorrow."

But I wasn't even supposed
to say that.

The line was, "Shereen, I hope
Dr. Mogutu has good news

"about my endoscopy,"

but I couldn't get it right,

so they told me to improv.

Come on, guys.

I'm making it rain.

You see what you've done,
Liz Lemon?

Tracy Jordan is broken.

It's over.

Get off stage!

No whites!

You wanted to see me,
miss Maroney?

Oh, my.

Candles, incense, Disco music.

Someone's getting
into the easter spirit.

No, Kenneth.

Do you remember that silly joke

about me having your baby?

Yes.

- So crazy.
- I know.

It's crazy...

Unless you're into it.

What?

No, ma'am.
That would be wrong.

We're not married.

And we're different religions.

We can do whatever we want.

Miss Maroney,

I'd do anything for you
or mr. Jordan,

but this is wrong.

But, Kenneth,
you might be my only chance.

No!

Fine. I'll get you
when you're sleeping.

It's not rape if neither party
really wants it.

You're back.

Yeah, and this is my front.

Thanks for setting me up

with another classic quote.

I borrowed your whale semen candle.
It didn't work, by the way.

You can keep it.

I'm just packing up a few things,

and then I'm gone.

Wait.
Where are you going?

I'm quitting show business.

I can't stop the horrible respect

people have for me.

Tracy, you can't do that.

Look, I would never say this
on the record.

Of course.
This is all off the record.

The show needs you,
and I need you.

I'd rather do the show
than have a baby.

- But you don't understand.
- Oh, I do understand.

Look at Roman Polanski.

No, thank you.

Or Elia Kazan.

He told the government
his friends were communists,

then got a standing ovation
at the Oscars.

That's crazy.

A man named "Elia."

That's a giraffe's name.

You know, when you think about it,

the only celebrities who
completely undo their goodwill

are the murderers.

John Wilkes Booth, Phil Spector,

OJ Simpson,
who texted me earlier today.

Shoot someone, huh?

Nah. That's crazy, even for us

I guess it would take
a pretty big gas leak

to make you think
that was a good idea.

All right!

100th episode, 100 hours of comedy.

Minus the commercials.

20 hours of comedy.

- Hey, dummy.
- Damn it.

Look, Liz,

if this is gonna work out
between you and me,

you should know my tarantula
sleeps on my face.

Oh, my God.

My show is getting cancelled,

I'm never speaking
to Jack Donaghy again,

and the worst thing
that happened to me today

is that you showed up.

Ah, 'cause you called me.

When I was high on gas.

Do you not understand
what that means?

No, not really.

Gas has no effect on me at all.

When I was growing up, my school,

Gerry cooney elementary,
it was right next

to a gas works in Queens.

It ventilated into the Cafeteria.

We got a big settlement
from the city.

Our parents voted
to spend it on a boat

that the families could share,
but then that sank.

But you know what?

I'm still smart enough to know

that I'll never do better
than you, Liz Lemon,

'cause you're a cook
in the bedroom

and a whore in the kitchen.

So I'm gonna give you one more shot

to admit to me
that you keep bringing me back

into your life for a reason.

Subhas, take out the trash.

Don't order me around, woman.

No, I mean--
just--

Dennis, get out.

You'll change your mind.

Let's rock, Duffy.

You again!

Wait a minute...

- You're not Sideways Jack!
- I'm Past Jack.

Because I'm from the past?
And I'm you?

- Yeah, get it.
- Do you?

'Cause it seems like

you don't get much of anything
anymore, old man.

If you're my future,
I'm gonna jump.

Stop him!

If he jumps,

we don't exist anymore.

I'm perfectly aware of that.

I studied time dilation

and quantum teleportation
in college.

No, you didn't.
You saw Time Cop.

Really?
I never saw Time Cop.

You will in 2007,
and you'll love it.

Why are you talking like that?

This is how everyone
talked in the '80s.

This is how Reagan talked.

Look, there's still time
to fix this, Jack.

You need to kick ass again,

starting with getting rid
of that woman.

Listen to him.

He's awesome,
and you know he's right.

Fire Lemon?

I don't know if I can do that.

Well, then, take this!

Oh, God!

That only hurt me.

Why did I think that would
hurt you too?

Jack, be the man
you were meant to be.

Me.

This tuxedo is made out
of the Puma

that I rode into
my 50th birthday party.

Why are you both wearing tuxedos?

It's after 6:00.
What are we, farmers?

Now go get rid of that woman.

Just want to check everything out

after your little gas scare.

Well, my pen light is working.

That's good.

Now, can you say
the alphabet for me?

Well, a very,
very heavy--

uh, heavy, du--
bertation tonight.

We had a very dairse--
dareson by--

let's go ahead
and tersh-tayson

lets gotobit anhaddapit.

Excellent.

My God, Jenna.

Are you pregnant?
How?

Did you go swimming
in a public pool?

No, I got in my head
about having a baby,

and now I'm having
a hysterical pregnancy.

Well, that's redundant.

All pregnancies are hysterical.

They're started by penises.

This should be perfect.

I mean, all I want
is the attention.

So why am I not happy?

I mean, on some level,
do I want to have a baby?

Do I want to be a mother?

Should I be a mother?

Bored!

Hey.

Greta Johannsen,
your animal wrangler.

My God, you're beautiful.

? if you say
good-bye tonight ?

? all I'll have will
be my memories ?

? so keep on reaching
for the light ?

? I now believe these
are my memories ?

? my memories ?

Mr. Jordan, I refuse
to accept this is happening.

You leaving is
as crazy to me as evolution,

or a woman's right
to choose her haircut.

I'm sorry, Ken,
but maybe Jenna was right.

The only way I could come back

is if I shoot someone,

and that's crazy.

Or is it?

Maybe it's a good idea.

I don't know.

It has a nice, simple logic to it.

Why don't we take a deep breath

and then both say
what we think we should do.

- You should shoot me...
- I should shoot you...

- on the roof of 30 Rock!
- on the roof of 30 Rock!

I only ask one thing, sir.

Make it quick.

I cannot promise you that, Ken.

I'm a horrible shot.

To the roof.

- Hey, dummy.
- Hey.

You ready to sign that lease?

You know how we were talking earlier

about me moving in with you
and how hard it is

to kick a tenant out in New York?

Just think about it.

I'll make you chili every night.

I'll provide for you.

I have a new business idea.

It's like Netflix,
but you go to a store,

and you pick out your video
from a limited selection.

- It'd be like five years ago.
- Exactly.

I can move my stuff
in tonight, right?

I just have one duffel bag
in a sidecar.

My motorcycle got impounded

from being parked too awesome.

I just need you to sign
this lease I printed up

off the Internet.

Okay, I need a pen.

You don't have a pen?

You're a writer, Liz.

All I have is
this kick-ass laser pointer

that I point at nerds'
crotches in the park.

Oh, wait.

All we have is
this kick-ass laser pointer.

Come on, baby.
Let's go find a pen.

Okay.

Oh, no.

Let me introduce myself.

I am--

Future Jack, obviously.

Is that what we're wearing
in ten years?

More like 35 years.

You're 87 years old?

My God, I'm outstanding.

I like to think so.

I've come all the way
from the future--

which is a lot harder
than coming from the past--

Whatever, pops.

To warn you not to listen
to the other Jacks.

In the future, you're happier
than you ever imagined.

You have grandchildren and a
gorgeous Polyblasian wife.

That's a new race
that emerges in 2030.

They're incredible.

- What happened to Avery?
- Oh, you'll see.

It's hilarious.

Yeah, but what about his,
your, our career?

Don't we wanna be this dude?

Younger me's, business
is only a part of life.

- Real happiness...
- Ah, shut up.

Don't listen to his crap, Jack.

If you choose my path,
you'll be plenty happy.

You'll spearhead GE's development

of the electric vagina.

You won't be married,
but you'll have a house

with a lot of glass, and it's cold.

And you'll own the Buffalo Bills.

You didn't say it was the Bills.

Look, right now,

Liz Lemon is downstairs
about to sign a lease

with Dennis Duffy.

If she does that, you'll lose her.

In three years, they'll be married

and living in Jacksonville, Florida,

where he operates
an unlicensed alligator park.

Jacksonville?

Her hair can't handle that humidity.

No, I don't care.
I'm tired of saving her.

To quote Liz Lemon,
"Opposite!"

You'd be saving yourself.

The only way to get my life

is to be distracted
from your blind ambition,

and you can't do that

without Liz Lemon in your life.

Jack, this guy
is just trying to justify

his own bad choices.

Go down there and fire Liz.

Okay.

We're obviously all thinking it,

so I'm just gonna say it.

We're gonna have sex
with each other, right?

- Yeah, we are.
- Oh, my!

Lemon, don't sign that lease!

- Why are you here?
- Just sign it, dummy.

It's a receipt for some lez pants

- you bought or whatever.
- No.

If you have a problem,
I will fight you, Dennis.

That wouldn't be very fair.

I'm only trained to fight
four or more men at a time.

There are three more of me upstairs,

and I'd be happy to go get them.

I can't.
I hurt my wrist.

Hey, people.

Somebody sabotaged the gas line.

People could've died or had fights.

What?
Who would do that?

Hey, grab that black guy.

It was you.

What are you, mad at me, Liz?

Huh?
I did it for love.

You're insane.

Hey, hey, hey, guys.

Hands off the jacket, all right?

It's from Amar'e Stoudemire's
eveningwear collection.

If I ever see you again,
I'll kill you.

Please.
You'll be back.

All right, the gas is clearing out.

It should be okay
in time for the show.

According to my device here.

Good work, Jennifer.

Oh, my God, the show.
I gotta load in an audience.

I gotta distribute scripts.

I gotta change Jenna's blood.
I need Kenneth.

Forget about Kenneth.

I told Hank Cooper that
Tracy Jordan would be here.

Where is the star of your show?

Right here.

I know you're talking about Tracy,

but I don't care.

Tracy and Kenneth went to the roof

with a gun.

Why?

Because I gave Tracy the idea

to kill the only man

who would ever have a baby with me.

- Nothing to see here, Mr. man.
- No, sir.

Hello, Kabletown family members.

And my favorite actress, Jenna.

When TGS gets cancelled, I mean if,

when TGS gets cancelled,

we need to talk about your future.

I know what my future holds, Hank.

Motherhood.

It's a surprise to me,

but I have so much love to give.

Well, why couldn't you be a mother

and do a daytime talk show?

Well, because the talk show
will be my baby.

I'm not gonna be held back
by some uterus turd.

Let's call my agent.

Oh, my God.
Your stomach.

For some reason,

I'm starting to rethink this, sir.

We all have doubt,
k-tel records.

But we made a decision.

And we'll look stupid
if we don't follow through.

Okay.

Just please tell my mother--

My bad.
That was an accident.

Tracy, stop!

Don't startle me
when I'm holding a gun.

Use your head, Liz Lemon.

For God's sakes, Tracy,
give me that gun!

Ugh!

Do you have any idea
how much paperwork

I would have to do
if you shot Kenneth?

I didn't know that, Jack.
I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to get people
to stop respecting me.

Tracy, you want to destroy
the goodwill you have

so you can go back
to your easy TV job?

Yes, even more than
I want to shoot Kenneth.

Then all you have to do is go back

to your easy TV job.

- What?
- Do TV.

And no one will ever
take you seriously again.

Doesn't matter how big
a movie star you are,

even if you have the kind of career

where you walked away
from a blockbuster franchise

or worked with Meryl Streep
or Anthony Hopkins,

made important movies
about things like civil rights

or Pearl Harbor,

stole films with supporting roles

and then turned around and
blew them away on Broadway.

None of that will matter
once you do television.

You could win every award in sight

and be the biggest thing
on the small screen,

and you'll still get laughed

out of the Vanity Fair Oscar party.

by Greg Kinnear.

Tracy, your career hit rock bottom

the first time
you decided to do TGS.

You want it to hit
rock bottom again?

Go on Network television.

Let's make some TV!

- Yeah.
- We have five minutes!

Whoa, whoa, uh-uh.
Uh-uh, uh-uh.

I'm sorry, folks.
While we were working

on the gas line,
we somehow broke the elevator.

She's an old building.

You're gonna have
to take the stairs.

I'm okay!

Least I made it
through my last day.

Darn it.

Excuse me.
The elevators are out.

- Do you know how--
- Shut up, Garkle.

Well, if it isn't Jack

and Kenneth and Tracy and Liz.

Hey, I have a bone to pick
with the four of you.

Screw, Williams!

Hey, get out of my home!

Sorry, recurring hobos.

? ?

I'm back, everybody.

You're welcome...

For the adventure...

My absence...

Whew...

Provided.

30 seconds.

Liz, I was checking the cue cards,

and we have a problem.

It all seemed so funny
when they were writing it.

During Dennis' gas leak.

Yes, this'll work.
Just flip the top of act two.

Danny can't make the
wardrobe change that quick.

Best show ever!
Yeah!

Guys, I don't know about this.

Oh, my God.
We don't have a show.

- Ten seconds.
- Just start.

I should call Dennis.

Let's meet our contestants.

Dr. Steven Poop is
a homemaker and a centaur.

You did it.

You're picked up
for a million more episodes.

Where am I?

Am I back in Vietnam?

What charity are you playing for?

The Grimace Foundation, Jeremy.

Keeping milkshakes purple
for over a million years.

Hold on.

Tracy's back on TV again?

Clooney, Hanks.

Actor emergency.

Tracy Jordan's doing TV again.

I know, disappointing.

Take him off
the official A-list.

Well, I don't have the password.

Pitt's our webmaster.

Well, then, wake him up.

Oh, they're doing Pam again?
Ugh.

? I don't care
what you say anymore ?

? this is my life ?

? go ahead with your own life ?

? leave me alone ?

This may be the gas talking,

but I was wrong about Dennis.

You're the guy who never left.

And this is definitely
the gas talking,

but I'd be a lot worse off

if I'd never met you, Lemon,

and I'm proud
to have you as a mentee.

I mean, look at you.

Endangering the lives
of hundreds of people

for a show that TV Guide once called

"still on."

I framed that article.

To 100 more episodes.

Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

Wow, five years...
It makes you think

about all the fun we've had together.

But you know the single
most amazing thing

that's happened
over the last five years?

That is true, sir.

But today does make me wonder
where we'll all be

five years from now.

? ?