All language subtitles for 2001 A Space Travesty (Speedy Rip) CD2-eng

The atmosphere has no effect
on my balance whatsoever, and I...

- Watch your step there.
- What?

Houston, we have a problem.
She's fallen and she can't get up.

- I thought I told you no contact.
- I know, sir...

But I'm convinced now that the president
is here and is being held prisoner.

The man behind it
is Dr. Griffin Pratt.

-Are you sure?
- I'm positive.

Mr. Secretary, send up
the Galactic National Guard.

- We'll get this cleared up in one day.
- Who is it?

No. That's the last thing
we want to do.

That would sign
the president's death warrant.

You must handle this yourself.

- Get Miss Menage.
- Don't fight it, baby!

It's bigger than both of us.

The president's life is at stake,
to say nothing of our planet.

What this impostor will say
at the heads of state conference...

in Paris on Friday
God only knows!

Don't think for a minute that
Marshal Dix is doing nothing up here.

He's dealing with
one of the most important men...

of the American government.

This guy lives in
a big, huge white house...

but I can't tell you who is him.

Cassandra?

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Wait a minute.

You mean the president
is a prisoner here on Vegan?

- How did you know?
- You just told us, man!

- I did not.
- Yes, you did.

- I did?
- Yes.

- Was that a cough drop you gave me?
- No, it was a suppository.

Dr. Griffin Pratt?

I hope you don't think there's anything
you missed the other night, Marshal.

Just one thing... you.

You're under arrest.
You have a right to remain silent.

Before you say another word,
there's something I want you to know.

I've been ordered
to reconstitute the president.

Reconstitute?
What does that mean?

Drain all his body fluids.

What's that,
some sort of enema?

No, no.
Drain all his blood...

then reconstitute it
into refined plasma...

ready to activate the clone.

- Wouldn't that kill him?
- Most certainly.

- I thought so.
- Please understand me, Marshal.

The thought of killing the president
has kept me up all night.

Well, to be perfectly honest,
I may have dozed off once or twice...

so let's say
at least half the night.

I don't know how I allowed
this to happen. It's very confusing.

I feel drugged or brainwashed
or whatever they did to me.

But your words last night
about ChiefTen Bears...

and Josey Eastwood...

- Clint Eastwood.
- Eastwood brought me to my senses.

And I must undo
the damage I've done...

which is why I want to take you
to the president and help get him out.

But we'll have to move fast.

Faster than you think.
I just came from Cassandra's apartment.

- She's been kidnapped.
- Kidnapped? Abducted?

We won't know that
till we talk with her.

Up till now,
it's just a simple kidnapping.

She left a note in glue
on her door.

See? It says, "Help,"
spelled backwards.

H-E-L-P.

We'd better get moving.

There may be two lives
we have to save.

This is the easiest way
to get to the president.

But whatever you do,
don't touch that button!

- Turbo power enabled.
- Get off my face!

Follow me.

Put this on.
You'll be less conspicuous.

Mr. Dix, meet the president.

Mr. President?

Is that really you?

That depends on what you mean
by the word "is."

Well...

- Are that really you?
- Well, of course it's me.

I've been telling these people
about my birthmark.

Here, take a look.

I'm the only man who's got
a birthmark like that.

It's almost a perfect
four-leaf clover.

Yes, sir, it looks like
a four-leaf clover.

And if that's not sufficient...

give me the name of someone
who plays the saxophone as good as this.

Mr. President, I'm convinced.

My name is Marshal Dix,
International Security Force.

I'm here to take you back
to Washington where you belong.

Great.

Yeah!

Cassandra,
when did you get here?

Surely you didn't think it would be
as easy as all that, did you, Dix?

Who would you like to become...
a Rodman or a Rodham?

Oh, dear. The president's
looking a little upset.

Perhaps we should switch him
with Cassandra.

All right.
That does it.

You're under arrest.
So are these bozos here.

You have a right to remain silent.

Anything you say will be written down
and used against you.

Seize them!

Such grace, such poetry.

What a cunning stunt.

Any more from you jerks,
and I'll rip your faces off.

I was a sucker
for all that romantic talk.

This young woman
could not only sing like a dove...

she was blessed with a serene peace
that would have been at home...

in a Tibetan monastery.

She had everything.

The delicate footwork
of a ballet dancer.

The high kicks of a Rockette.

Boy, did I love those high kicks.

Very impressive,
but now, as they say...

it's your turn
to bite the dust.

I'm glad you were here.
I feel safe with you.

Let's not talk about me.
We gotta get out of here.

Follow her, Mr. President, quick!

- Captain Pasquale.
- Yes.

See if you can locate
Lieutenant Shitzu and Dr. K�nstler.

- Yes.
- Meet in front of the research center.

- Yes.
- We're heading for Washington, DC.

The White House,
and bring your makeup case.

Done.

Who was this guy?

Come on, all of you.

Pull yourself together.

Get up. That's it.
Good boys.

No, no. Wait.
Let them go.

Di Pasquale worked hard and fast
to disguise the president...

as Fidel Castro
or ZZ Top, take your pick.

Anyway, it was a perfect way
to get to Washington.

- Man, this beard itches.
- Step back.

- It's me.
- Sorry. Come on.

- Thank you.
- Step back, please.

I wonder if ZZ Top
needs a sax player.

My ship. My crew.
Bones. Spock.

It was good to see
Washington, DC again...

but we had no time to sightsee.

In a couple of days,
that clone clown...

would be shooting his mouth off
in Paris.

I'd contacted Secretary Osgood.

He came up with a watertight plan
to make the switch.

Okay, guys, time for me
to shake hands with little Willie.

Code yellow, gentlemen.

Did you bring an umbrella?

No, just grab him
before he takes aim.

You okay there, sir?

- Sir, everything all right?
- Yeah, mission accomplished.

Let's rock.

All right.
We are in motion.

Di Pasquale disguised
the cloned president...

as somebody nobody would think
twice about... a dirty, old man.

I'm gonna have the CIA
cavity search you all.

Yes!

At the Three Tenors Gala Concert...

in Paris this Friday night...

in Paris this Friday night...

following the International
Heads of State Conference...

I will announce changes that will
benefit the future of our world forever.

Good job. Well done, everyone.

Now all that remains is to get
our friend off to clone heaven.

We have kept Earth to ourselves...

- For far too long.
- What?

In the spirit
of intergalactic harmony...

- Hey, that's Dr. Pratt.
- Yeah, it's him.

- Yes.
- We must be willing to reach out...

Please, there are forces
at work here.

Let's just forget about it
and move on.

Now, someone give me a hand
getting our impostor out of here.

Just a minute.
Moving a little too fast here.

I think there are forces at work,
but I don't think they're our own.

It's possible that we've been set up
to put a clone in the White House.

- And take the real president out.
- Right.

- Why are you the president?
- Because of the birthmark.

- I saw the birthmark.
- Your birthmark proves nothing.

When you're cloned,
your birthmark is cloned too.

- Right.
- But I don't have a birthmark.

I had it removed three months ago.
Personal reasons.

If you'll give me a little help,
I'll show you.

- Oh, my God.
- Dr. K�nstler...

the birthmark should be
on the side, not on the front.

You can see where there was something,
but there's no birthmark there now.

There's a simple solution.

One dead president.

So, it's not just Dr. Pratt.
It's you too.

Very good, Dix.

Now that really was
a job well done.

Not well enough done,
Mr. President.

Do you know anybody you can trust
that can get us to Paris?

Yes.

The president's intent was genuine,
but his travel plans didn't fly.

Then, suddenly our luck turned
full circle, and we were airborne.

The job was to undo
what I had already undone.

There was a clone already in Paris
who looked exactly like the president...

and he had a birthmark to prove it.

We had the real president...

but he had removed the birthmark,
so we couldn't prove anything.

How it would all be worked out,
I didn't know...

but I did know that the president
had to make every effort...

to keep his pants on.

Madonna.

How are you? Good to see you.
Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.
Thank you so much for being here.

Let's see. What is
a four-letter word for "word"?

Do you have reservations?

Reservations about being asked
if we have reservations.

In America, they have Indians,
they have reservations...

but no one asks if they have them.

Bonjour. Yankee Doodle.

- What is that?
- That is a hockey cup.

- Hockey?
- I use it to play sand hockey...

- In the desert.
- Do you have identification?

Prince Yabuti ofJabuti.
Good to see you, you son of a...

Take this.
It's me... Shitzu.

Good to see you.
Oh, my God!

I had to wear this. This is the only
outfit Dr. Pratt wouldn't look under.

- You are too conspicuous.
- Me? How about you?

- That Arab accent sounds German.
- We got Cassandra in the orchestra.

Hey!

Well, it is a rat trap.

Do you have an invitation?

Yes, of course.

How did you...

The Artist Formerly Known As...

It is Prince in disguise.

Excuse me, Mr. Formerly Know As,
smile, please.

Wait. You're not the Artist
Formerly Known As Prince.

The real artist is over here.

Man, it's the pope.
Come on, Dix.

Let's get out of here
before he corners me.

Bless you.

Oh, great. They're serving
Italian dinner here tonight.

I think I'll have the toreador.

Hi. Yeah.

Yabuti, you camel!

Pay me what you owe me!

That's all right.
I'm okay.

- Keep a low profile.
- Did he call me a camel?

Hey!

That's mine!

They wanted you to play a saxophone
solo after which intermission?

The White House itinerary said
after the first intermission...

that I would ride up and appear
magically on stage through a trapdoor.

- But we don't have the sax.
- We will.

Hey. Hello. Do you wanna
taste an ice cream?

It's very good.
Take it!

Or maybe you like vanilla.
Vanilla is wonderful.

The best Italian flavor... pistachio.

- You like ice cream.
- No!

Thank you very much.

My sax! No!

Ice cream!

Gorgonzola.

- Ice cream.
- Signora, congratulations.

This is a great ice cream.
It's the best...

- You will have to move.
- You can't stop commerce. Let it go.

Shit!

I'm sorry, Mrs. President.

No, it was only an accident.

You see, it was only an accident.

Go back to work. All right.
Thanks for stopping by.

I see our friends are here.

Do you want an ice cream?

I think we'd better
alert the police.

I think I'd better go check
to find out what's going on.

Looks like the gang is all here.

Ice cream.

One is disguised as a vendor...

the other one's wearing
a French policeman's uniform.

- What? Merde.
- Inspector Wazoo.

The president's life
may be at stake.

We will search the place
from top to bottom.

We knew where they were at the hotel
in Washington, didn't we, Osgood?

You had to be there. You were busy
being the man in the moon. I was there.

The only place they could
possibly make the switch...

is under the stage
by the trapdoor lifts.

Let's take a look,
shall we?

Let's go get your saxophone
and check backstage.

- I wanna look at those trapdoors.
- What did theJapanese delegation say?

Oh, you can't understand
a word they say.

They said, "Would I enjoy sushi?"

- And?
- I said, "Sure thing, man.

Send Susie to my room."

I'm just kidding.
You can trust me, baby.

Nice. Good one.

Maestro!

Hey, this isn't rap concert.
I hate opera.

Take this.

Ditch the Arab disguises.
They're checking everyone.

Fantastic.

Excuse me. Maestro.

Maybe there'll be some costumes
under the stage.

- Are you okay?
- Yes.

Who cares?

Where are we?

Under the stage.
What do you think, it's the roof?

All right, there must be
something in here.

You're gonna have to stay in that outfit
so you can keep your face covered.

Maybe there's something here for me
so we won't look so much like a team.

That's a good idea, Dix.

Seems to be mostly
women's clothes here.

Hello?

Hello?

Oui. Hello.

That's a real nice prop
there, Maestro.

- Maestro, is that you?
- Yeah, it's the maestro.

It's me.

I heard this big crash.
Are you all right?

It was an accident.

I am change my robe as the pharaoh
to the robe I use for singing...

the aria for Aida.

I told you they were not right.

You know, this is probably
the wrong time...

but could you just sing...

a little note perhaps?

You are gone and lost forever

Molto grande, Clementine

- I'm sorry. These are yours.
- No, you keep them as a memento.

They're not the right condom
for my beard.

Merci. I will cherish these.

What is this?

The platform. Up and down.

Where can you find pleasure
Search the world for treasure

Learn science, technology

Where can you begin
to make your dreams all come true

On the land or on the sea

Where can you learn to fly
Play in sports or skin-dive

Study oceanography

- What the hell's this?
-Sign up for the big band

- I want them found!
- There's no one...

Shut up, you fool!

I go and rest now and then change
my costume for the second act.

When I come back, you had
better have caught them or else.

Woman says, "Doctor, I'm sick."
He says, "What's wrong?"

She says, "I don't know." He says,
"I'll take your rectal temperature."

What is going on here?

I am outraged!

Maestro, I have to
thank you again for these.

You see, I kept them
close to my heart.

What are you talking about?
I did not give you anything.

Besides, my condoms are engraved
with my portrait and covered with fur.

These are counterfeits.
Out of my way!

Counterfeits? Maestro!

Keep an eye out.

K�nstler is one of them.
She's a super spy.

I told you she was
a super... suppository.

- I knew she was in bed with Pratt.
- What?

She had me to her apartment.
She did that dance for me.

Rubbed her body all over mine.
Used her tongue.

The slut. A lap dance?

Could have been Lapland, Finland,
Russia, any of those countries up there.

And what she told me about the lion.
They mate 45 times in 3 hours.

- How many times?
- Just keep your eye on K�nstler.

She's got orders to kill the president
if anything goes wrong.

She gets up on the table,
he gets behind her. She says...

Wardrobe!
Where is my costume?

I know it was here.
I hung it myself.

And I'll hang you myself
if you don't find it.

Luciano, they have come to hear
your voice, not to see your clothes.

You think the French won't notice...

if I'm in the middle
of an Italian battlefield...

fighting the Germans,
wearing American boxer shorts?

"Hey, Doctor,
that ain't my rectum."

He says, "That ain't
my thermometer either."

Mr. President, we are ready
for you now, sir.

Well, I'm on.

Good luck, snookums.

Mr. President,
no birthmark games tonight.

Just remember,
you don't have one anymore...

but there's a clone out there who looks
exactly like you and he does have it.

So you just keep your pants on.

And keep your fingers crossed
that Osgood...

won't remember what
he thought he saw in the hotel.

Won't remember what he thought
he saw in the hotel.

What he thought that he didn't see
what he thought he saw in the hotel.

I was right the first time.

First there was the condoms.
Now they've stolen my costume!

- Still cannot find them!
- You're on!

Sure.

Rather that he doesn't remember
what he thought...

he didn't see in the hotel.

You'll remember he didn't see
the birthmark.

Monsieur President,
everything is checked and ready.

You can blow your instrument
with confidence...

knowing I will be here
holding the fart.

Thank you.
And now, ladies and gentleman...

it gives me great pleasure
to introduce our surprise guest.

- So far so good.
- Don't be a pessimist.

I like the way
he blows his horn.

My son likes to toot too.

Let's go.

Are you all right?

Here. Catch the saxophone.

What do we do now?

I'll lower the trapdoor,
Mr. President. You get on it.

You'll go up, I'll bring the clone down
and put the arm on him.

He's good.

- What?
- Two?

Me first.

You! You messed things up
for the last time!

Here, piggy, piggy. Sooey!

Your presidency's about over.

You've never even been to Arkansas.
You imposter!

Yes!

Who is who?

We have here two presidents.

Two of them? My gosh,
this could be an intern's nightmare.

Two.

Identical? Yes.
But are our memories the same?

Here's something I composed
when I was six years old.

No one knows it.

So, now who is the real president?

Okay. How about this one?

I learned it yesterday.

It's not so good.
There's your clone, Inspector.

He remembers everything about my life
till the time he was cloned...

but nothing afterward.

Right. There's your clone,
Dr. Pratt.

You! You're the one
who did this to me!

I'm gonna destroy you!

You vermin!

- What should we do?
- Lord, give me a sign.

You've got mail.

God said, "Let there be music."
On with the show!

Here we go. One...

So much for taking over the world.

I just wanted to rid the world
of idiots like you.

Hey, you, do something.

It's fake, like wrestling.

Where is that stage manager?

Look out!

Oh, that's gonna leave a mark.

Get me down!

Did you see that?

Come on! Get over there!

Take your hands off me!

Could you do better?

The solution is
kill the president.

Holy shit, baby.

Boogie boogie boogie.
La la.

I'll be back!

Hasta la vista, baby.

Bastards!

Hey, I'm just a clone.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this may have been...

the greatest save of all time.

And the man responsible is from
the Interplanetary Security...

Marshal Dick Dix.

Thank you, Mr. President.

You're very welcome, Marshal Dix.
The world thanks you.

Yo, man!

Marshal, you were wonderful.

Now I knew what it was like to be
a Roman candle on the Fourth ofJuly.

Yet this hero stuff was not for me.

I was ready to get back on the beat,
hear the wail of sirens...

and play with my handcuffs
and my gun.

Yes, I was ready to plant my flag
back in Washington, DC...

where every congressman has
the constitutional right to be a felon.

Good old America.

Here's your soup, sir.

- Smells great.
- Piss off.

Miserable bird.
I should stuff it.

Well, I want to drink a toast.

I want to drink a toast to you.

No, to you. You've made the world
a safe place again.

Your high kicks helped out
pretty good too.

How is everything on Vegan?

I hear you've gotten a promotion.

Yes. Now I'm responsible
for all new erections.

Congratulations.
I'm not a bit surprised.

I love spending
my vacation on Earth.

This place is so peaceful...

the ocean, the music,
product placements.

Are you all right?

Just picking my teeth.

There's something
I need to tell you.

I see dead people.

- What?
- I see dead people. Look.

Hey, baby.

You're right.

Would you like to hear
the dessert specials?

We got silicon hooter pie
with whipped cream for you.

We've got silicon lips
ice cream for you.

And, yo, we got guns!

- Big guns.
- For you.

Gun? Big guns?

Those aren't guns.

This is a gun.

Marshal, you made the world
a safe place again, again.

You're so wonderful.
You know you could be my father.

Oh, no, that concert was the only
time I've ever been to France.

ThE EnD

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