All language subtitles for The Love Boat S04E07 Secretary To The Stars 1080p WEB-DL AAC2 0 H 264-squalor_track3_[eng]

[Theme music]

Theme song: Love.

Exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love, life's
sweetest reward.

Let it flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat.

Soon we'll be
making another run.

The love boat promises
something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure,
your mind on a new romance.

And love.

Won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile
on a friendly shore.

It's love!

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

Well, what was that for?

For taking me on this cruise.

It was a wonderful surprise.

Well, you deserve it.

Besides, I know you haven't been
too thrilled with me lately.

Can you blame me?

The way you've been
carrying on with Jessica?

All I've heard is how beautiful
Jessica is, what great legs

she has, how she excites you.

Honey, you know Jessica
is the most beautiful

horse I've ever owned.

She's more than a horse.

She's an obsession.

You'd rather be
with her than me.

Come on.

I brought you on this
cruise, didn't I?

You're right.

Let's make it a
second honeymoon.

Who knows-- it might be
better than the first one.

What's that?

Oh, didn't I tell you?

I entered Jessica in the race.

You mean this cruise
is just an excuse

to get us down to a horse race?

Well, us and Jessica.

Is she on this ship?

Honey, you know how
she hates to fly.

I'd better go see
how she's doing,

and give her a lump
of sugar and an apple.

What about me?

Honey, you had a big
breakfast just an hour ago.

Mr. Benson, you're on the
fiesta deck, cabin 135.

Well, thank you.

I understand Kim Holland
is on this cruise?

Yes.

Miss Holland's presenting
the gold cup for the winner

of the acapulco steeplechase.

Oh, good.

I've been a fan of hers
ever since her first film.

That's why I'm on this cruise.

To meet her.

Oh.

Are you sure you want to?

On the TV news they
said she was voted

the sour apple award for
being most uncooperative

actress in Hollywood.

Maybe she hasn't met the
right person to cooperate with.

Well, Mr. Benson,
if you think you're

the one miss Holland's
been waiting for,

why don't you ask her?

Here she is now.

Miss Holland, can we have
some pictures, please?

Good, that's good.
To the left.

Hold it.

Big smile.

Oh, good.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I think that'll be enough.

Just one more,
please, miss Holland?

I said that will be enough.

Thank you.

Ah, miss Holland.

I'm captain stubing,
and this is--

how do you do?

I, uh, hope you'll do
me the honor of dining

at the captain's table?

I'm afraid not, captain.

I've come on this cruise to
present the cup to the winner

of the acapulco steeplechase.

That will be my only
public appearance.

I'm going to be having
my meals in my cabin.

I've heard of people
being frozen after death,

but never in the prime of life.

Miss Holland, could I have
a word with you for a minute?

It's very important.

You'll have to make an
appointment with my secretary.

Hey, here he comes, guys.

Grant Garrett, welcome
back to the states.

George, you can take
those to the cabin.

Does this mean your affair
with the Princess is over?

Well, it depends.

Which Princess do you mean?

Grant, Cosmopolitan recently
voted you the world's

most eligible bachelor.

Any comment?

Yes.

The campaigning sure was fun.

Mr. Garrett, why would a man
with your wealth and power

want to ride a horse
in a steeplechase race?

Well, because without a
horse, the best I can come in

is second.

Thank you.

Welcome aboard, Mr. Garrett.

We're happy to have you with us.
-Thank you.

It's my pleasure.
-This is Dr. Adam bricker.

-How do you do, sir?
-Doctor.

And junie McCoy,
our cruise director.

How do you do?

Well, if all the
sights are this lovely,

this should be a wonderful trip.

Why, thank you.

Captain, I wonder if you could
spare miss McCoy to show me

around your magnificent ship?

Of course he can.
She can.

Uh, sir?

As you wish.

Excellent.

Give me a few minutes
to get my sea legs,

and we'll rendezvous in,
say, half an hour, all right?

Fine.

See you later.

Bye bye.

Bye.

What an interesting man.

Well, the only thing he seems
to be interested in is you.

Well, maybe that's why
he's so interesting.

Oh, i-- I hate to interfere
in your private life,

but where are gopher and Isaac?

Oh, they said they had to
tend to somebody very big.

A vip.

Oh.

Well, it can't be miss
Holland or Mr. Garrett.

They were just here.

Well, maybe there's even
a bigger passenger aboard?

What?

Hurry up before
captain stubing sees us.

Get him into the cargo hold.

We should have loaded him on
with all the other horses.

Will you stop complaining?

When we win the steeplechase,
we'll be rich and famous.

Yeah, and if we lose, we'll
be poor and unemployed.

Look, they're here!

The village people!

(Singing) In the Navy.

Yes, you can sail
the seven seas.

In the Navy.

Yes, you can put
your mind at ease.

In the Navy.

Come on, people,
and make a stand.

In the Navy.

In the Navy.

In the Navy.

Come on, protect
the motherland.

In the Navy.

Come on and join
your fellow man.

In the Navy.

Come on, people,
and make a stand.

In the Navy.

In the Navy!

In the Navy.

All right!

[Applause]

You know, I knew if we sang
"in the Navy" long enough,

we'd finally get here.

Yeah, well too bad we didn't
sing "if I were a rich man."

Welcome aboard, fellas.

Thank you.

This is a hot
looking ship, captain.

Thank you.

Aw, but too bad
it's double parked.

Hey, is it true you
guys are going to race

a horse in the steeplechase?

Right.

We got one horse,
and six saddles.

It's a very long horse.

You are going to sing
for us, aren't you?

Yes.

Only if you join the group.

That's a crazy looking hat, man.

Enjoy your cruise, gentlemen.

Thank you.
See you all later.

Welcome aboard.

Glad to have you with us.

Seems like a regular
bunch of fellas.

Uh-huh.

In the Navy.

Hello.

Hi.

So, that's Jessica?

That's right.

16 hands, and all winner.

You ever seen her race?

Oh, I sure have.

And I am very impressed.

I'm cliff Logan.

Oh, Paul Willis.

You know, I own a
few horses myself,

but I'm not entered
in the steeplechase.

That field is too fast.

Not for Jessica.

She's gonna win.

Well, you might be right.

Tell you what I will do--
I'll give you 75,000 for her.

Oh, she's not for sale.

100,000?

Sorry.

Hey, but it's nice to
meet a fellow horseman.

Hey, why don't you join my
wife and me for dinner tonight?

Why, I'd love that.

Thanks very much.

You know, she is an
incredible creature.

Well, I'm anxious to meet her.

You just did.

Pardon me?

You mean my wife?

She's nice, too.

Oh.

Hi.

Hello.

Hey, Isaac?

Yeah.

Isaac, somebody
just offered that guy

$100,000 for his horse.

Well, you must
be hearing things.

He must have said house.

Ah, just as I thought.

I knew if I followed
you, it'd lead me here.

Hey, doc.

Say hi to the next winner
of the acapulco stakes.

Stakes?

He couldn't win a meatloaf.

Are you guys out of your minds?

You don't know
anything about horses.

What's to know?

You feed 'em, you brush 'em.

And you race 'em.

I'm glad to see I'm dealing
with a couple of experts.

I must admit, though,
he is kind of handsome.

Does he have a name?

Yeah.

We're thinking of calling
him captain stubing.

Good idea.

That way the captain might
think twice before he throws

all three of you off the ship.

Oh, the captain
won't mind, doc.

-No?
-No.

Because he ain't gonna find out.

This is our lido deck
area, Mr. Garrett.

Please, that's the 10th time
you've called me Mr. Garrett.

That's much too formal.

A simple "your
highness" will do.

Tell me more about
yourself, Julie.

Oh, gee, I don't
know what to say.

Um-- I come from a close family
in a small town in Oregon.

My mom's a great
cook, and-- boy, this

must sound really dull to you.

Not at all.

In fact, I'm jealous.
-Hm?

The only time my mother
got near the kitchen

was to fire the chef.

Close your eyes.

What?

Just close your eyes.

Now, quick.

What's the first thing
that pops into your mind

when you think of
your childhood?

Oh um-- poached salmon
and red sneakers.

Poached salmon
and red sneakers?

Yeah.

The two things I
used to love most

were taking hikes in the
woods in my old red sneakers,

and then coming home to eat
my mom's poached salmon.

Now it's your turn.

Close your eyes.

Now, what's the first thing
that pops into your mind?

How much I'd love to have
dinner with you tonight.

Ah.

You're on.

[Knocking]

Yes?

Oh, you must be Kim
Holland's secretary?

Yes?

Well, my name is Tom Benson,
and she told me to talk

to you about talking to her?

She always tells people that.

Then I get lumbered with them.

Could you ask her if she'd like
to have dinner with me tonight?

Oh, I'm afraid that's
quite impossible.

She'll be dining in her cabin.

Miss, I'm afraid
you don't understand.

I have wanted to meet
Kim Holland for years.

That's the only reason
why I took this cruise.

And I'll tell you
something else--

I'm going to sit down
right here in her doorway

until she at least agrees
to have a drink with me.

Would you tell miss Holland
that I eagerly await her reply?

Excuse me.

Ah, Mrs. Willis.

Enjoying yourself, I hope?

I'd be enjoying it more
if my husband were here.

Must be a lot of
that going around.

I seem to have misplaced
some of my crew.

Ah, here you go, Mrs. Willis.

Gin and tonic.

Isaac, where have you been?

I've been looking for you
and gopher everywhere.

Well, you know
how it is, captain.

Big ship, lots of
thirsty passengers.

Lots of things to do.

It's amazing.

I hardly ever see
my crew anymore.

You're lucky they don't have a
horse, or you'd never see them.

You're the winner.

Terrific.

Miss Holland says
she'll meet you promptly

at 7:30, in the dining room.

Let's make it 7:35.

I just want to play hard to get.

[Knocking]

Oh, they're gorgeous.

Thank you.

Well, well, well.

I didn't know it was national
cruise directors week.

Who are they from?

I don't know.

Let's see.

They're from Grant.

Garrett?

Oh, they're beautiful.

And romantic.

Julie, don't you think he's
a little mature for you?

Why, that's the silliest
thing I ever heard.

Besides, there's
nothing between us.

Except maybe 30 years.

See you at dinner?

You should see,
the first time I

saw Jessica she was in this
stall, and we-- thank you.

And that made the fifth
race in a row that we won.

Oh, I know.

I saw that race.

You know, Jessica
takes those water jumps

better than any filly alive.

Now look, are you sure
she's not for sale?

110,000.

No way.

Jessica is the most
important thing in my life.

[Clearing throat]

What's the matter, honey?

Something caught in your throat?

A horsehair.

Will you look at us?

Talking shop, and rudely
ignoring your lovely wife.

Louise, will you
please forgive us?

Of course.

Paul gets so wrapped
up in Jessica.

And all because I haven't
won a race in a few weeks.

Paul, you are a lucky guy.

Oh, you know it.

Jessica does a
quarter in 25 flat.

Mr. Benson?

Ah, yes?

I'm afraid miss Holland won't
be able to join you after all.

Oh, no.

She's feeling a bit
under the weather.

So sorry.

Ah, miss, wait?

Maybe you'd like to
join me for a drink?

I'd hate to see a perfectly
good bottle of wine go to waste.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I simply must get back.

No wine?

Then how about some dinner?

I really don't have
time, Mr. Benson.

Well, if you don't
want to drink,

and you don't want
to have some dinner,

maybe we can just
sit for a while?

I'd hate to think I was rejected
by two beautiful women in one

night.

All right.

One quick drink.

Terrific.
Here you are.

Thank you.

Here's to us.

By the way, what's your name?

Doris.

Doris Wilson.

Doris.

I wonder what happened
to Mr. Garrett?

You sure he's coming, Julie?

Well, I'm not sure, sir,
but he did say he was coming.

Hm.

Well, first Kim Holland
refuses my invitation,

then Mr. Garrett
doesn't show up.

Doesn't sitting at
the captain's table

count for anything anymore?

Thank you.

Sir, would you
excuse me, please?

Mr. Garret wants to see me.

Isaac!

Gopher, please,
that's my pouring arm.

It's captain stubing.

He's making funny noises.

Well, it's his ship.

Not that captain
captain stubing!

The horse captain stubing.

I think he's sick.

Uh-oh.

Come on, we'd better get doc.

Right.

Hold this.

-Good evening, sir.
-Hi, sir.

Excuse us.

Uh, doc, we need you.

One of our passengers
is not feeling well.

Well, just how serious is it?

I don't know.

He can't talk.

Oh.

Sore throat, huh?

Uh, yeah, doc.

He's a little hoarse.

Well, tell him to gargle
with some salt water,

and I'll be by to
see him after dinner.

Well, that might
be too late, doc.

He keeps going like this.

Oh, chills too?

You know, I had that
same thing last week.

Must be going around.

I don't think it's
quite the same thing.

You think you could
see him now, doc?

He's chomping at the bit.

That passenger?

Oh, I guess I shouldn't
stall him any longer.

Right.

Excuse me, merrill, Vicki.

Duty calls.

Excuse us, sir.

Excuse me.

Well, Vicki, it's you and me.

Dad, may I be excused?

I'm not very hungry.

Fine.

Goodnight.

Fine.

They're right.

It is lonely at the top.

[Knocking]

Grant, is anything wro--

I hope you don't
mind, but I thought

we'd dine alone tonight.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh--

I always decorate
to suit the company.

Flowers?

Candle light?

Champagne?

What more could a girl ask for?

A gentleman?

Oh, I can't believe this.

That's not all.

My [inaudible] to bring you
the one dish that I know

will remind you of home.

Oh, I know what that is.

Poached salmon.

That's as close as I
could get to red with one

bottle of mercurochrome.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm?

Mm.

That's strange.

I knew it.

I knew it!

What's wrong?

His heartbeat's playing
"camptown races."

Be serious, doc.

How can I be?

I don't know anything
about horses.

I'm a people doctor.

Doc, this is our life savings!

Ok, ok.

I'm sorry.

I'll do my best.

Excuse me.

Let's see, now.

Come here.

Hang on, now.

Yes.

Eyes clear.

Excuse me, these are
fingers, not carrots.

Yeah, that's good.

Well, color's pretty good.

Well, what's the story?

I don't know how to
break this to you guys,

but as far as I can
see, captain stubing

here is healthy as a horse.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I
have a cold dinner waiting.

Doc, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Now, you're not gonna give
him any pills, or anything?

He doesn't need anything.

Well, maybe just some fresh air
and exercise, but of course,

on a ship that's impossible.

Later.

Fresh air and exercise?

Yeah, but like doc says,
on a ship that's impossible.

Not when you're training
a steeplechase champion.

You're being awfully quiet.

You're thinking of Kim
Holland, aren't you?

Yes.

I'm thinking how glad I am to be
here with you, instead of her.

Oh really, now?

Well, I mean it.

I know she's glamorous
and beautiful,

and a big movie star,
but you're much nicer.

Besides, you're
just as beautiful.

My, what a lovely speech.

I almost believe it.

You can believe it.

I wouldn't even know
how to lie to a woman.

You know, women used to throw
me into a state of panic.

When did all this change?

Thanks to you.

About three hours ago.

If I didn't know better, i'd
say Julie was falling in love.

Yeah, she's been
dancing for 20 minutes,

and her feet still haven't
touched the ground.

Come on, gentlemen.

I think you're exaggerating.

I don't know, merrill.

There's only two
things that can make

a guy look that
happy-- being in love,

or watching an ex-wife remarry.

I tell ya, captain,
something's definitely going on.

Yeah, and let's not forget
that Grant Garrett has

a reputation for being
one of the world's

great women womanizers.

Yeah, now that bothers me.

Oh, don't worry, Adam.

You're still in the top five.

But maybe it wouldn't hurt if
I cut in for just one dance.

You know, if Julie's
really falling in love,

you can't blame her.

That Grant Garrett
is quite a guy.

Yeah, that's what I want
to be when I grow up.

May I cut in?

Of course.

It's nice to see your
captain has such good taste.

Sir?

Julie.

I'm a little
concerned about you.

Oh?

Grant Garrett has a
reputation of being

an international playboy.

I don't want to
see you get hurt.

Ah, well, maybe you
haven't noticed lately, sir,

but I'm a big girl now.

Don't worry.

Showtime.

Oh.

Thank you.

If you'll all take
your seats, we have

a very special treat tonight.

Hello.

Good evening.

Lovely gal.

One of the horses entered
in tomorrow's acapulco

steeplechase is called
magic night, which also

happens to be the
title of a hit record

by the owners of that horse.

So for that special
treat, they're going

to sing it for us tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, that
very exciting vocal group,

the village people.

[Applause]

[Music playing]

(Singing) Magic night!

Magic's in the music.

It's a magic night.

We all need to use it.

We can have a good time, and
enjoy all the magical vibes

on this great-- when
I'm with my friends,

there's magic in the air.

Good vibrations
always surround us.

Play some good music,
the moment has flair.

Happiness and joy's everywhere.

Magic night!

Magic's in the music.

It's a magic night.

We all need to use it.

We can have a good time, and
enjoy all the magical vibes

on this great-- magic night!

Good friends all around you.

It's a magic night.

Magic sure will find you.

So let's all try
tonight to feel love

coming from inside each other.

When I'm with my
friends, friends

with whom I can share all my
ups and downs, inbetweens with.

When I'm with loved ones,
the moments are dear.

So much love is
found in the air.

Magic night!

Good friends all around you.

It's a magic night.

Magic sure will find you.

So let's all join
tonight, and feel love

coming from inside each other.

So much magic!

So much magic!

Magic night!

[Applause]

Darling?

Yeah?

Have you changed yet?

All set.

Gotta put Jessica to bed.

Won't be long.

You're leaving me now?

This is our time to be together.

Well honey, you
could go with me.

You wouldn't know what to do.

Neither do you!

I really had a
lovely time, Tom.

If memory serves
me correctly, this

is the scene where you're
supposed to invite me

in for an after dinner drink?

After all, dinner and
dancing did go rather well.

It is, they did,
and I'd love to.

But Kim is in there.

I almost forgot about her.

I'm afraid I'm going
to be too busy to fit

her into my schedule.

Do you think she'll
be too disappointed?

I'll break it to her gently.

But she might want to
know what's suddenly

taking up all your time.

Well, for starters,
I have a date

to go into acapulco tomorrow.

Oh?

Who's the lucky girl?

You.

I mean, you-- will
I see you tomorrow?

I mean, you-- will
I see you tomorrow?

Oh, yes.

Kim doesn't know what
she missed tonight.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Oh, Kim, I think you're
heading for trouble.

[Knocking]

Forget your key, Paul?

You remember to kiss
your horse goodnight,

but you forget your darn key.

Oh, hi, Louise.

Is, uh, Paul busy?

I just wanted to, uh--
oh, I guess he is busy.

Sorry.

He's busy, all right.

With Jessica.

Instead of with you?

The man is demented.

Thank you.

I like to think so.

Well, I'll, uh-- I'll
catch you at breakfast.

Right.

He'll be the one
with the feed bag.

[Knocking]

Listen, Louise, I
was wondering, uh,

could I interest
you in a nightcap,

and maybe a little dancing?

Right now?

Why not?

What about Paul?

Oh, no, no, no.

Three for dancing?

That's no fun.

You're on, cliff.

I'll change.

Good.

All right, dear husband.

You run your race,
and I'll run mine.

Camptown racetrack,
five miles long.

Doo dah.

[Humming]

Well, where are you taking me?

Over here.

Need the moonlight for this.

Oh?

What are you talking about?

Now, this is perfect.

Gentle ocean breeze,
sound of the waves.

Soft moonlight in your hair.

It's the perfect setting.

For what?

For this.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Oh-- oh, Grant.

Grant, I can't accept this.

Not even from your
future husband?

I'm not the kind
of man to hesitate

when I see something I want.

I want you for my wife.

Oh, but--

it'll be great for us, Julie.

We'll have the kind of life
other people just dream about.

We'll go wherever we want,
do whatever we please.

Life is full of chances.

Take this one, and I promise
you'll never regret it.

Oh--

don't give me an answer now.

Sleep on it tonight.

Tell me tomorrow.

Goodnight.

Night.

[Neighing]

-Come on, it's all clear.
-It oughta be.

It's 4:00 in the morning.

You sure we should
be doing this?

Hey, now listen, man.

Doc said that captain
stubing needs exercise.

Well, why can't he just do
some pushups in his stall?

Captain stubing!

Come on!

Captain stubing-- no, no, no.

The other way.

The other way.

Come on.

Come on, captain.

Captain stubing,
you're not listening!

Isaac: Come on, captain stubing.

Captain, come on!

This is captain stubing!

Who's calling me?

Oh, no.

Oh--

here, here, here.

Captain stubing, come on.

Come on!

Come on, man!

Let's go.

Come on, man!

Hurry up!

Did someone call the captain?

Come on.

Good evening, sir.

Splendid evening, isn't it?

Did you hear
someone calling me?

I didn't hear anything.
Did you hear anything?

I didn't hear anything.

We didn't hear anything.

Well then, uh, did you hear
a horse running around here?

On deck?

Uh, sir, what would a
horse be doing on deck?

I don't know.

I just heard a lot of
clop, clop, clopping.

Oh, uh--

well sir, sir, I
was just showing

Isaac a tapdance routine from
an old Fred Astaire movie.

-Bojangles.
-Bojangles movie.

Yeah.

And a 1, 2, 1, 2, 3--

[shouting]

Clop, clop, clop, clop!

He's gone!

Paul?

Darling?

Ah!

What's the matter?

What is this saddle
doing in bed with me?

-I was cleaning it.
-Oh--

hey, careful!

You might scratch the hide.

What about my hide?

You don't care
anything about me.

You don't care that I went
dancing with cliff last night.

Oh, is that where you were?

Look, Louise,
there's no reason you

shouldn't have a good time
while I'm busy getting

ready for the race.

Paul, we have to talk.

Right now.

No, no, no, honey.

Gotta get Jessica
ready for the big race.

I'll see you later.

Incredible.

The horse sees fine, but
the owner wears blinders.

Gopher, wake up.

Captain, what--

shh!

You find him yet?

No.

How could we lose a horse?

Stubing: I want that mess
cleaned up immediately!

I will not tolerate
that on my ship.

-Something wrong, sir?
-Everything is wrong.

The supply room looks like
a truck has run through it.

Someone broke in and
took every carrot

and apple from the galley.

Uh, sir?

Maybe you should have us make
an extra large Waldorf salad?

Gentlemen, I want you to
find out who is responsible,

and bring him to
my cabin at once.

Yes, sir!

Boy, that was too
close for comfort.

Whoa!

Come on!

We gotta get him
back to the hold.

This way.

This way.

Come on!

Come on!

Help me!

Come on.

Come on!

Come on.

Hey, where are we taking him?

Downstairs!

[Knocking]

Who is it?

Stubing: Captain stubing.

Yes, captain?

I, uh, just dropped by to tell
miss Holland that the ship's

photographer's waiting for her.

Miss Holland agreed to do
some publicity for the line.

She's not here.

She's on the, uh, lido deck.

Are you sure?

I was just there.

Oh, I'm positive.

I just spoke with
her on the telephone.

Ah.

The reason I'm here personally
is because the phones have

been out of order all morning.

Oh.

Well, I rather suppose this
calls for an explanation.

Won't you come in, captain?

My survival kit.

I put these on, and i'm
no longer Kim Holland.

Nor am I hassled,
ogled, or pawed.

They're my freedom.

It's remarkable.

You know, it's funny, captain.

I have been using Doris
merely as a shield,

but today-- oh, today there's
no one else I'd rather be.

Because Doris has a very
special date in acapulco.

I'm sorry for
upsetting your plans.

I guess I'm stuck with
being Kim Holland today.

Now, obviously this man
doesn't know that Doris

and Kim are one and the same?

No, he doesn't.

Well, when he finds out, it
could be quite a blow to him.

You may be right, captain.

I really don't want to hurt him.

Nor yourself.

You know, the Hollywood
life is very foreign to me,

but it seems that being a star
has some disadvantages, too.

Yes, it has.

Living two lives must
be very difficult.

Perhaps the answer
is for you to decide

who you really
want to be-- Doris,

the unknown-- Kim, the star.

[Knocking]

Doris?

Let's get an early
start for the races.

[Knocking] Doris,
are you in there?

She's not here.

I don't know where she is.

He what?

He asked me to marry him.

He asked you to marry him?

Well, does anyone know?

They do now.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

I think I just need some
time alone to think.

Doc, I don't know
what I'm going to do.

Have you heard the news?

Grant Garrett asked
Julie to marry him.

He what?

Sorry.

You have got to be kidding.

No, I know it sounds
incredible, but it's true.

What does?

Grant Garrett asked
Julie McCoy to marry him.

He what?

He's old enough
to be her father.

Gentlemen, let's pay Grant
Garrett a little visit, hm?

-Excuse me?
-Yes?

What do you want?

Well, I've been looking all
over for your, uh, secretary.

Do you know where she is?

Yes.

I sent her home.

You what?

She was spending far too
much time on personal matters.

Besides, I don't need her here.

Well, did she
leave a note for me?

Sorry.

Yeah, I bet you are.

Can you turn just a bit
to your left, miss Holland?

[Knocking]

Mr. Garrett.

Can we talk to
you a minute, sir?

Well, you've come to wish
me luck in the steeplechase?

How nice.

No, Mr. Garrett.

We want to know what your
intentions are with our Julie.

Oh.

Well, quite simply, my
intentions are to marry her.

But you just met her.

I'll handle this.

But you just met her.

Don't you believe in
love at first sight?

Well, the way we
hear it, this isn't

exactly your first first sight.

Well, the fact is you're
just so much-- uh--

well, what doc is trying
to see is Julie is a lot--

she's a lot, uh--

would you like
to give it a try?

I know there's a big
difference in our ages.

But what's more
important, the amount

of time you spend with somebody,
or the quality of that time?

I know Julie and I won't
be together forever,

but I promise I'll make the
most of the time we do have.

I want her to be with me.

Well, couldn't
you just adopt her?

I love Julie.

If she agrees to
marry me, I hope

you'll be happy for both of us.

Well, I guess all we
can do is wish her luck.

Julie's the one
with the good luck.

What?

She's got friends like you,
who really care about her.

Captain, everyone is excited
about the race this afternoon.

I understand there's more than
the race to be excited about.

Oh?

I heard Grant Garrett
proposed to you last night.

You heard about that, too?

Now, how does news
get around so fast?

[Fanfare]

Well, that's one way.

Sir, you know what the
trouble with Grant Garrett is?

Hm?

He's perfect!

Ok, captain stubing, which
side do you want your part on?

Safe at last.

The captain and
everybody's gone ashore.

Good.
Let's get going.

Wait.
Wait.

This is a big day in
our life, and I just

want you to know something.

I'm glad you're my buddy.

Hey, same goes for me.

Well, you'd better put
on your jockey suit.

Wanna run that by me again?

I said, you'd better
put on your jockey suit.

What did you say?

I said something
very similar to that.

What do you mean, I'd better
put on my jockey suit?

I am not getting on this horse.

You are.

Is there somebody
else in this room?

Cause I know you
ain't talking to me.

I thought you were going
to ride this horse.

I thought you were
going to ride him.

I haven't been on a horse since
I posed for a picture on a pony

when I was six years old.

Well, that puts
you one up on me.

Well, that just
cuts it then, man.

Forget the race,
forget everything.

Wait a minute, gopher.
Now, wait a minute.

We just can't quit.

Come on, now.

We've got too much at stake.

One of us has got to
get up on that horse.

I agree.

You do it.

Gopher.

Gopher, we don't
have time to argue.

Now, let's do this fairly.

I'll flip a coin.

Loser rides.

Agreed.

I'll toss, you call.

Tails never fails.

Announcer: Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to portillo park,
for the 10th annual acapulco

steeplechase.

[Spanish]

It's so beautiful down here, and
the track, as usual, is fast.

It should be an exciting race.

It is 10 minutes to
post time, the jockeys

are in final preparation,
walking up their horses.

Junie, my love, wish me luck.

I'll do better than that.

There's no way I can lose now.

I think I'd better
go find a good seat.

I'll see you in the
winner's circle.

Ok, come on, now.

Let's get it on.

How can I get it on
when I keep falling off?

Didn't he ever ride before?

Yeah, but only in a Pontiac.

I told you we should have
got seatbelts for this thing.

Wait a minute.

I thought an Indian was
supposed to ride bareback?

I'm not taking my clothes off.

I had to trade Manhattan
island for this outfit.

Just let the horse
know who's boss.

All right, you're the boss.

Announcer: Ladies and
gentlemen, it is now post time.

The jockeys will be
bringing their horses

to the starting line, and the
race will be getting under way

in just a few moments.

[Spanish]

Hi.

Oh, Judy, have you
seen Isaac or gopher?

No.

--[Inaudible] The
horse by his neck.

Listen, gopher's
gonna be all right.

You just bring him on in home.

Hey!

I'll see you later.
-Wait a minute.

Where are you going?

I'm going on to the starting
line and watching you start.

[Shouting]

Right!

Announcer: Here
come the riders now.

Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give them a big hand.

Leading the field
is our grand master,

senor Roberto Carlos De Garcia,
riding the horse royal star.

Isaac, there you are.

Come watch the race with us.

-No thanks, captain.
-But I insist.

It's the best spot in the house.

You don't want to
miss this, do you?

It could be very interesting.

Announcer: Following Ramon's
royal star is morning thunder,

ridden by Phillip Wilkins.

Second is gold rainbow,
ridden by Grant Garrett,

in the purple and yellow silks.

Then Pablo Gonzales,
riding El capitan.

Then Cole Willis in the orange
and white, riding his mare

Jessica.

Next is Felipe Rose
of the village people,

riding magic man.

Hey, look, gopher's on a horse!

Anybody care for a refreshment?

Not so fast.

What's gopher doing on a horse?

Well, sir, uh--
we kind of own him.

Now I understand.

Oh, ho ho!

It's perfectly clear.

Clop, clop, clop,
clop, clop, clop!

Uh, sir, we were gonna
tell you all about it.

We kinda wanted to surprise you.

Well, you surprised
me, all right.

Nothing could surprise me more.

Announcer: And finally,
Earl "gopher" Smith

riding captain stubing.

I was wrong.

I could be more surprised.

Announcer: Will the riders
please bring their horses

to the starting line?

You mean to tell
me that Paul didn't

even notice that
we were out dancing

until early in the morning?

He wouldn't notice
if I jumped overboard.

Unless I happened to be
riding Jessica at the time.

Why, uh, don't you just come
to my cabin about 10:30 tonight?

He probably won't
even notice that.

[Announcer speaking Spanish]

Announcer: We're
proud to welcome

the beautiful miss Kim Holland.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is the moment

we've all been waiting for.

Horses and riders are
ready, the flag is up.

The 10th annual acapulco
steeplechase is about to begin.

And they're off!

Oh, [inaudible].

Felipe Rose of the
village people.

Magic man, wait for me!

[Shouting]

Wait for me!

Announcer: He's running
after his horse.

Looks like Felipe
is [inaudible].

The field is running
at a fast pace.

Come on!

Announcer: Followed
by Willis and Jessica.

[Inaudible]

Then morning thunder as
they clear the second jump.

Go, go!

Come on, stubing!

Announcer: One of our
riders is having trouble.

It's Earl Smith.

It looks like his
captain stubing's--

does gopher know
what he's doing?

It doesn't look like it.

Ah!

Ah!

[Announcer speaking Spanish]

Announcer: --Are neck and neck.

The nearest challenger is
several lengths behind.

Into the jumping
score, [inaudible],

followed by Jessica and morning
thunder, [inaudible] Pleasure,

and trailing the field
is captain stubing.

Come on, gopher!
Oh, goph!

Come on, gopher!

Come on!

Announcer: And here
comes Felipe Rose.

You're gonna come in last.

Announcer: I think we have
another race going on, here.

Our riders just
cleared the last jump,

and are coming down
the home stretch.

It's Jessica and gold
rainbow, gold rainbow

and Jessica still
battling for the lead,

followed by morning thunder.

I know you can do it!

Look at them go.

I tell you, Paul and Jessica
were made for each other.

Why can't he just
have a girlfriend,

like any normal husband?

Announcer: It's Jessica
and gold rainbow,

Jessica and gold rainbow.

And Jessica pulls out
in front by a leg.

And here's the winner,
followed by Grant

gallant on gold rainbow second,
and [inaudible] in third.

I told ya he could do it!
I told you.

What a horse.

What a horse!

Gopher!

Come on!

Announcer: The race
continues, as Earl

Smith and Felipe
Rose neck and neck,

coming down the home stretch.

It's Felipe and gopher.

Gopher and Felipe
battling on for the lead,

and pulling out in
front is Felipe.

And [inaudible] is the
winner by a feather.

[Cheering]

Announcer: Ladies and
gentlemen, the winner

of the 10th annual acapulco
steeplechase, Paul Willis,

riding Jessica.

And here to present
the award for winner

is one of the biggest stars
in motion pictures today,

the beautiful miss Kim Holland.

[Spanish]

Thank you.

I can't believe it.

This and Kim Holland,
all in one day.

Wow.

Is that offer still
good for tonight?

I want to thank you for today.

I didn't realize horse
racing was so exciting.

It's even more
exciting when you win.

Aw, well don't take it so hard.

You had some bad luck.
-You're right.

Who needs the trophy,
as long as I've got

you for a consolation prize?

Excuse me.

Louise!

We did it!

We won.

Well, congratulations.

Now we each have a trophy.

What does that mean?

You have that,
and I have cliff.

Perhaps I can forgive
the fact that you smuggled

a horse onboard my ship.

But sir, we really--

and perhaps I can forgive
the fact that that horse

destroyed my supply room.

Sir, we--

but there is one
thing I cannot excuse--

that a horse bearing the name
stubing finished dead last.

Next year we're buying
a horse that can jump.

All right!

And there's some good news, sir.
-Well, let me have it.

Right now i'm
ready for anything.

We sold the horse for $200
more than we paid for him.

Well, congratulations.

Yes, that is good news.

That's just about enough
to pay for the damages.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I'm going to dinner.

Well, the lovely miss Holland.

Just the person I wanted to see.

What do you want from me?

I want you to get Doris back.

I can't do that.

Well, you can at least
tell me how I can reach her.

I can't do that, either.

Well, what can you do?

Other than smile pretty and fool
the public into thinking you're

miss wonderful.

It's amazing somebody like
Doris even stays in the employ

of such a self-centered phony.

But then, she's too
nice just to walk out.

And she's prettier, too.

You don't even know what
you're talking about.

I know more than
I need to know.

I know I'm in love with
the woman you sent home.

Don't you think
you're overreacting?

People don't just fall
in love overnight.

People like you don't.

You know, it's funny-- I took
this cruise just for a chance

to get to know you.

And now that I do, I
wish I'd never met you.

A discontented fan.

He didn't like my last movie.

From where I stood,
it sounded a little

more serious than that.

You're right.

It is.

I guess I didn't put
Doris to rest soon enough.

He's in love with her.

The feeling seems to be mutual.

All you have to do is just tell
him that Doris is really you.

Oh, captain, the warm
and witty Doris Wilson

is dead and buried.

I don't know about that.

I have a feeling she's
still alive and well,

and living inside Kim Holland.

Look, he's a nice
teacher from Chicago.

I wouldn't want my
kind of life to change

him into something else.

Why don't you let him
make that decision?

Paul, please, I
don't want to do it.

I love you.

Don't drive me to another man.

All I ask is a little attention.

Louise, didn't Paul tell you?

Tell me what?

Well, Paul sold me
Jessica, so-- well, I can't

make our date for tonight.

[Knocking]

Well, hi.

Come on in.

We came by to see if you'd
made a decision about Grant yet.

If you haven't, there are
a lot of things to consider.

For instance, do you know
if Grant wants to settle

down and have a family?

I don't know.

I always thought that
was important to you.

Well, I did, too, but
now I'm not so sure.

Well, this may sound
selfish on my part, Julie,

but if you leave to
marry Grant, we'll

be losing a lot more than a
damn fine cruise director.

We'll be losing the
best friend we ever had.

Aw, thanks.

I'd miss you all terribly, too.

You mean you've decided?

Yes.

But I think Grant should
be the first to know.

Excuse me.

What do you call this?

Bad timing?

I thought you loved me?

I do.

You just showed me how much.

Julie, wait.

Well, it worked.

Yes.

Why couldn't you just
tell you changed your mind,

and you don't want to marry her?

But I do want to marry her.

It's just that she
shouldn't want to marry me.

I don't understand.

I'm not the right man for her.

But I could never
convince her of that.

This way she convinced herself.

Julie!

Julie, I love you.

Oh, you've gotta be kidding.

How dare you stand here
and tell me you love me,

after what I just walked in on?

I admit it, I have
one little shortcoming.

-Shortcoming?
-Yes.

Some people can't resist sweets,
some can't resist cigarettes.

I can't resist beautiful women.

I'm sorry, Grant,
but the man in my life

has to be the only
man in my life,

and I expect him to feel
the same way about me.

Keep it, Julie.

I want you to have
something to remember me by.

Trust me, Grant, you'll be
very difficult to forget.

This is the second time
I came in second today.

You're a special lady, Julie.

I want you to know
I'll always love you.

Oh, Grant.

For a complete cad, you
have a lot of style.

Louise!

Paul!

I was down in the
hold looking for you.

I've been looking for you.

What do you want to fool
around with horses for?

Why did you sell Jessica?

The price was right.

It included cliff's promise
never to see you again.

I love you, Louise.

It took almost losing you to
make me realize how much I do.

Welcome back, Paul.

Louise, I promise,
from now on we're

going to have nothing
to do with horses.

Except maybe a
little horsing around.

It's a lovely night, isn't it?

Doris?

I can't believe it.

You're here.

Are you glad to see me?

Was that a yes?

I missed you.

Oh, I missed you too.

You know, you never
gave me a chance to say

what was really on my mind.

I love you.

No matter what?

Now, what do you mean by that?

That's what I mean by that.

What is this?

Some sort of a game?

No, Tom.

Doris was just a
character I created

to keep from being hassled.

Aw, you poor kid.

My heart bleeds for you.

You rich and famous
have so many problems.

I know this is all
just a little crazy,

but what I'm trying
to say is I love you.

Now, if you just give me a
chance to make up for things--

well, that depends who you are.

Kim Holland, glamorous
movie star from Hollywood,

or Doris Wilson, lovely
secretary from London.

How about June westheimer,
ordinary girl from Milwaukee?

Well?

Aren't you going
to say anything?

Kim?

Doris?

June?

I have a feeling the
four of us are going

to be very happy together.

First officer, stand by.

Stand by on the bow.

Prepare docking line.

-Thanks for sailing with us.
-Julie.

-Uh-huh.
-Oh--

I wanted to say goodbye.

It was a beautiful trip.

I hope you won't
remember me unkindly.

Oh, no.

All my memories will
be very pleasant.

You take good care
of the red sneakers.

I will.

That's one gift I'm keeping.

Bye bye, Grant.

Bye, Julie.

Well, as one
horseman to another,

thank you for sailing with us.

Thank you very much.

This cruise was so great, we're
going to be taking another trip

in a couple of months.

To London.

A second honeymoon.

Ah, London.

Isn't there a big
steeplechase coming up there?

Oh, really?

What a coincidence.

Oh, look, I want to
say goodbye to you two.

And Paul, thanks for Jessica.

You can wish us luck in
the London steeplechase.

We will.

As a matter of fact,
I'll be there in person.

London?

Well, who's going to London?

Niagara Falls.

That's the place for
a second honeymoon.

So long.

Fellas, do you happen to know
if, uh, there's a steeplechase

in Niagara Falls?

Are you sure you know
what you're getting into?

Large parties, boring
premieres, mothering fans?

I think I can
make the sacrifice.

Goodbye.

Oh, captain, thank
you for everything.

Oh, any time.

Wait.

That's for your secretary.

Goodbye.

It was great having you with us.

Bye bye.

Well, so long, Randy.

Goodbye, David.

Captain.

On behalf of the
rest of the guys,

I want to thank you
for a great cruise.

Well, the pleasure
was all mine.

And if there's ever
anything I can do for you,

just say the word.

Well there is one thing.

Yeah?

Come see us again.

It was wonderful
having you with us.

Bye, captain stubing.

Terrific show.

I've always wanted a
kinky lid like this.

Bye bye.

Bye.

So, captain, where's
our next cruise?

Indian ocean?

[Theme music]