All language subtitles for Jeff.Dunham.Minding.The.Monsters.2012.BluRay.720p.x264-SHORTBREHD.fa

Stonn clouds gather,

darkness prowls,

the moon shines full
as specters howl.

This scary house,

this lonely road,

revenge is coming

and best served cold.

Revenge on Jeff,
who plays with dolls.

Revenge on Walter,
who moans and scowls.

Peanut, Jose,
shall know their place,

like my awful father,

who scarred my face.

One by one,
they'll learn they're damned

to Minding the Monsters
with Jeff Dunham.

Thank you, Savannah.

Well, this is just awesome.
Thank you, sir.

Thank you so much
for coming out tonight.

We are really excited.

I'm really excited.

The guys in the suitcases
are excited.

And this show is called
Minding the Monsters.

Why?

Well, we wanted to do a show
that was different.

I wanted to do something
that I'd never done before.

I've done the standup shows,
I've done the specials,

but I wanted something...
I wanted something scary.

So I said, "Pick a scary city."

And everybody went...

So, you know the answer.

You know why this place
is scary.

There's lots of reasons, but let
me tell the rest of the world.

Savannah is known
for being scary

because you have haunted houses,

you have haunted cemeteries.

Every night there are ghost
tours going around the city.

My ex-wife was born here.

So, we decided what the heck,
we'll do it here.

But why in the world did I want
to do a monster special?

Well, growing up as a...

You know, I always enjoyed
Frankenstein.

I loved Dracula.

I loved The Mummy.
All those monsters.

I loved scaring people,
and I loved being scared.

I think it started
about the age of five.

I was an only child.

Hey, remember the...

Some of you may remember
the cars back then.

The American automobiles
were these huge, giant things.

We didn't have seat belts;
there were no kid seats.

I was an only kid
in the backseat.

These backseats
were eight feet wide,

one big, long bench.

I could run back and forth
on the bench.

On the floor, the only thing
in the way was the hump.

You'd trip over the hump
if you didn't see it.

The back window, you could lay
in the back window.

I would do that;
it was fantastic.

And I would run around
back there, and when my mother

was driving, she wouldn't
pay any attention to me.

And my mother,
still to this day,

has a big, giant beehive hairdo.

Pretty much Marge Simpson hair,

but not the same color,
you know what I'm saying?

Looks like that.
She also has

these giant curlers
that she uses,

and she put them
all over her hair.

And I remember standing
in the backseat,

and I would look at her hair,

this big,
giant beehive of hairdo,

all held together with Aqua Net.

And these big, giant curlers

would make these holes,
what looked like caves to me.

I imagined they were a maze
of caves in her hair like this.

I remember standing back there,

staring at the hair,

a-and then I looked over
on the seat of the car, and, oh,

there's a little rubber,
plastic spider, a black spider.

This is all true.

I took that black spider,

and I put it right on the edge
of one of the curls.

Fantastic, looked great.

I'm sitting there,
looking at it, and I thought,

"No, that's not good enough."

I found a pencil.
I took the pencil...

She's not paying any attention.

This is all true;
didn't know I was doing this.

And I took that pencil
and ever so gently

pushed it back
to the back of the curl,

deep into the caves of curls.

Gone.

Four days later...

I am not kidding.

Four days later...

My bedroom was right next
to my parents' bathroom.

My mother would comb out
her hair about once a month.

It was four days later;
she's in the bathroom,

combing out her hair.

The blood-curdling scream
that came

when that spider
fell out onto her lap

was worth the beating I took
later that night.

So, as I grew up,

I learned to appreciate
all those monster things,

and then, when I had children,

I taught my children
that scaring and being scared

was a great thing.

My youngest daughter, Kenna,
when she was a little kid,

she was a master
at scaring people.

And when you're scared,
there's one of two things

that happens to you.

You have one
of two emotions usually.

And it's usually fight
or flight.

And you don't know
which one you're gonna do

until you're actually really,
really scared.

And I'd never been really,
really scared

until my daughter
started scaring me.

This little twerp could jump
out of nowhere

in the middle of the darkness
and.

Like,.

And I wasn't a flight.

I didn't scream like a girl
and run away.

I started punching.

The worst was when I was
upstairs in the master bathroom.

I was cleaning a toilet.

I had the plunger;
I was plunging the toilet.

I got finished;
I was walking down the hall,

middle of the night like this.

She jumped out of nowhere.

My first reaction was like,
"Whoa-oh-oh!"

And she's like, "Yay! Dad almost
killed me with a plunger.

Whoo-hoo!"

She's laughing.

That little kid would hide
underneath my desk in my office.

I had a desk that
was fully enclosed.

When you'd sit underneath it, it
was a little cave under there.

She learned to hide under there,

and she would
sit there patiently.

That's what's so evil about it.

She would wait for ten minutes
and then reach out

and grab my legs...
I'd be, like

She eventually learned
to take a pillow with her.

You'd be, like, "Aah!"

What the...? Oh.

Now, as they got older,

I stopped scaring them,
they stopped scaring me,

but eventually,
my daughters and I

figured out that scaring dogs

is a fun thing to do as well.

And one of our
favorite dogs to scare

is my little dog Roadie.

Roadie is a five-pound
miniature pinscher.

And it's great
scaring little dogs,

because they can't
do anything to you.

You know those...

candy bowls at Halloween

that have the...

- hand. ..

Don't get ahead of me here.

That have the little rubber hand
that sticks up, when you

reach in to get the candy,
it goes... like this.

First couple of time, I'm, like,
"Oh, oh, that's really funny!

That is not a candy bowl,
that is a dog bowl.

Oh, yeah.

So, I thought this up,
and the girls are at the house.

I'm, like, "Girls, watch this.

This is genius!"
They're, like,

“What are you doing now, Dad?"

I'm "Just watch, this is great!"

I took the candy bowl,
I poured out the candy.

I put a piece of hamburger
in the bottom of the bowl

right in front of the hand.

I put the bowl on the ground.
Roadie comes running in.

They're, like, "Dad,"
they're, like, "Dad."

“Oh, my gosh,
this is hilarious!"

I'm, like, "Shut up,
here she comes."

Roadie comes running in.

She's, like, "Oh, look, there's
a hamburger in the bowl!"

She puts her head in the bowl.

Back of the head!

Roadie's looking around,

like, "What the hell?
Who hit me?

I'm just trying
to get the hamburger."

The girls are, like...

Roadie goes back.

Then she figures out
it's the stupid bowl.

She's pissed at the bowl now,

but she wants to get
the damn hamburger.

Ten minutes later,
she's still trying

to get the frickin' hamburger.

Unfortunately, dogs learn.

To this day, Roadie
will not eat or drink

out of a bowl
that she's never met.

Until she does
her little Army crawl.

She'll be like this.

It's sad, I know. But...

I let Roadie get back at people
after that happened to her.

This past Halloween,
I got a shark outfit for Roadie.

We were shooting
a television show.

I had a dressing room.

Outside the dressing room
was the hallway

where everyone would walk,
and you could

hear 'em coming
around the corner,

and I would go,
"Roadie, sic 'em!"

She'd run in the hallway...
come back in.

People are, like,
"Oh, that's really cute."

I took the shark outfit,
I put it on Roadie.

Tiny little shark outfit.

The great thing about this was,
when the shark outfit

was on the dog,
you couldn't see the dog.

All you could see
was this misshapen shark

kind of reptilian-looking thing.

It was an odd color,
a weird shape,

it had a fin right here,

two fins out the back,
a thing in the tail,

and teeth and eyes...
it was fantastic!

Now, when you're frightened,

your emotions of being
frightened take over,

but then your cognitive brain
recognizes really quickly

what it is
that's frightening you

and you calm down immediately.
It's like, "Aah! Oh.

Ha-ha, that's really funny."

When something comes
around the corner at you

that your brain
can't recognize...

...especially when it looks
likes some sort of odd reptilian

prehistoric thing,

your lizard
primordial brain kicks in.

And I mean 300-pound,
tough working guys

that come walking
around the corner.

She'd come running
around the corner like this,

not making any noise,
and they'd be, like,

"Wh-What the ... is that!"

I had pee stains on the carpet
outside my dressing room.

It was...

All right. You like the
dog stories, I got one more.

I adopted a dog
a few months ago,

and this was a surrender dog...

some family
just giving up on him

and giving him to the shelter.

We didn't know why it was.

We named him Buddy.

And, uh,
he's a Jack Russell terrier.

It took us about a half a day
to figure out

why some other family
gave up on Buddy.

Buddy's an idiot.

He's like, bark, bark, bark,
bark, run, run, run, run,

bark, bark, bark, bark.

This dog would not stop barking.

He's nuts.

He's a sweet dog,
but he's freaking nuts.

So we went to the dog trainer,
we said, "What do we do?"

The dog trainer said, "I have

“two ways of taking care
of a barking dog.

You have to teach...
work with the dog."

I'm like, "Fantastic.
What do you do?“

She goes, “Well, one
is a spray bottle with water."

I go, "I know. We've done that."

She goes,
“No, no, not just water."

She goes, “You don't want
to do just water

"to a Jack Russell terrier,

"because they eventually
like the water

and think it's just a new way
of getting a drink."

She said, "You got to mix

about 40% of Listerine
with the water."

I'm like, "Oh, that's awful."

She goes, "No, no,
it doesn't really hurt them.

"It just gets their attention,
bothers them, then they realize

"when they're barking,
you spray them and say no,

they eventually learn
not to bark.“

I'm like, “Okay, Listerine
in the water. Got it."

She said, “The other way,
I have this electronic collar.

And it's not a mean thing...
it's not a shocking collar."

She goes, “It's a new thing.
It's an electronic thing.

“When the dog barks,
it puffs out

“this puff of citronella
right in their face.

So, eventually, they learn..."

“...they learn not to bark."

I'm like,
“Okay, send us the collar.

Fantastic. We'll try that."
"Okay, great."

So we put the collar on Buddy,

I got the spray bottle ready,
everything was great.

Buddy would bark.
Spray him in the face.

Like...
Okay, fine.

I'm not going to do that.

Like that... he learned,
okay, don't like that.

One day, Buddy was having
a really bad day.

It was raining outside.

He wouldn't stop barking.

Anything that moved in
the backyard, he would bark at.

I'm spraying with the bottle.
I'm trying to get stuff done.

He's barking, he's bugging
the heck out of me,

and I'm spraying,
I'm spraying him.

He's barking, he's barking.

By the end of the day,
this poor dog

smelled like he was from
the dentist's office.

His hair was completely matted.

His eyes were bloodshot.

He looked
like Nick Nolte's mug shot.

That's what he looked like.

And then the really sad part
was he barked so much that day,

the battery on the collar
had worn down,

and now the timing
was completely off.

But by the end of the day,
he had learned.

He's a smart dog,
and I swear to God,

by the end of the day,
this is what he was doing.

And then, when the sun came out,

he was eventually running
around the backyard again.

He didn't care about
the collar any more.

He didn't care
about the Listerine.

And we could not catch this dog.

He'd be running around
chasing squirrels.

And we have an eight-foot fence
that's about five inches wide,

goes all the way
around the yard,

and the squirrels just run
around the top of the fence

and bug the heck out of the dog,
and you can't catch him.

Run, run, run, run,
bark, bark, bark, bark.

But my fiancée...
her name is Audrey...

she came up with something
that was a brilliant idea.

She would go out in the backyard

when Buddy was barking
and chasing the squirrel,

and she'd stand
right next to the fence

and look up like she's trying
to find the squirrel, too.

Buddy's smart.
He would run up to her

and go, "Oh,
you're trying to help me.

Where's the squirrel?"

She'd reach down and go,

“You idiot. I got you.
You're done. All right."

All right.

Now, I'm watching this
thinking the dog's smart.

He's going to learn after
about four or five times that,

"No, this is stupid.
I can't run next to her.

She's just trying to catch me."

I thought, "I'll get in
on the act a little more.

I did the same thing,
but when I picked him up,

I thought, “I'm going to be
part of the team."

I would actually pick him up
and hold him up.

And I can pick him up
just high enough

that he could take
his little paws

on the edge of the fence,

and he'd pull himself up
like this...

honest to God...
and he could look

up and down the fence like this,
looking for the squirrel.

And then he'd look over
and look in the other yard.

Okay, no squirrel.

And then I'd slowly
lower him back down.

And then we'd walk down
to the edge of the fence.

Like, we're still
a few feet down.

I'd pick him up,
he'd do it again.

Look, look, look.

Eventually, he thought
I was part of the team.

Fantastic. It worked.

Three days later,
I'm sitting on the couch.

I look over at Audrey, and I go,
"You know, that thing,

picking him up like that,
that's working pretty well."

She goes,
"Yeah, it's working great."

I go, “Wonder
what that looks like

from the other side
of the fence."

Sure enough, honest to God,

couple days later,
get a phone call.

"Hi, uh... Jeff, this is Bob
from next door.“

"Hey, Bob. What's going on?"

“Um, I... I don't know
how to say this, but, um...

"my wife says that your dog

is spying on her
in the backyard."

I'm like, "What are you
talking about, Bob?"

He goes, “Well,
I-I didn't believe her,

"but yesterday, I'm out in
the backyard watering the lawn,

“and sure enough,
son of a ...

your dog is peering
over the fence."

“I don't know how he does it,

but then he lowered himself
back down."

I go, "Yeah, Bob."

He goes, "No, really.

"And then,
about 30 seconds later,

he's ten feet down the fence
looking at me again."

“And then he lowered himself
back down."

I'm like, "Okay, Bob.

I'll have a talk with Buddy."

And he goes,
"No, no, it's worse."

I go, "What's worse, Bob?"

He goes, "Well, I think
your dog's trying to kill us,

but he's not good at it yet."

I said, “Bob, what are you
talking about?"

He goes, "Well, a few hours
later, he's looking at me again,

"but then he barked,
turned his head sideways,

winced, and an explosion
went off."

Are you guys ready for
the little people in the boxes?

All right.

Here's how this works.

I told all the guys they could
be whoever they want tonight.

It's a monster special,
so just pick.

So, here we go.

It's alive! It's alive!

And it's trying to sleep.

Shut the hell up.

And now I'm going to
build you a bride.

You will be terrified.

Ah, shut the hell up.

This is not my idea.

Good evening, Walter.

Do I look like Walter?

You look like a
Walter Frankenstein.

Well, then,
call me Crankenstein.

All right, Crankenstein.

You look good.

No, I don't.
I look like a cross

between Hillary Clinton
and the Hulk.

No offense, Hulk.

You don't look like
either one of them.

Ah, then I look like Gumby
in a nursing home.

How about that?

That would make you Pokey.

Get it? You're an ass.

I got it.

That's pretty good.

Yeah, I've been
working on that.

- That's my angry sound.
- Yeah.

Here's my happy sound.

Here's "surprised."

Here's gay...

If you don't like the costume,

then why'd you pick this one?

We were supposed to dress
as whatever scared us as a kid.

Oh. So, for you,
that was Frankenstein?

Actually, it was
a Catholic priest, but...

But...

everybody gets mad
when I offend the Mexicans.

Walter, are you ever happy?

You should hope not.

Why?

Can you imagine me

coming out here
in a good mood?

Hi, everybody.

I'm Walter,
and life is peachy!

You'd be working at Starbucks
in a ... week.

What?

Language.

English.

And you didn't even
have to push "one" to hear it.

You know, Walter, these people
came here to be entertained.

Not all of 'em.

You know there's a handful
of guys sitting out there

right now
whose wives were, like,

“Oh, come on,
we have to go see

the middle-aged dumb ass
and his dolls.“

And now those guys are sitting
out there right now, going,

"Son of a...

It's a middle-aged dumb ass
and his dolls."

And now you're playing
dress-up with your dolls.

When's the tea party, Ken?

Ah.

Middle-aged dumb ass.

Which part of that
do you not like the most?

Middle-aged or dumb ass?

- What do you think?
- Well,

you're only as old as you feel,
but dumb ass is in the DNA.

Walter! Walter!

You know, speaking
of, uh, age,

you're not exactly
young any more.

Hey...!

Let's think about this
for a second.

What, how long have I been
in the show?

- 24 years.
- 24 years.

So anybody who might have seen
our show 24 years ago...

Yeah?

I look exactly the same.

You do not.

Yeah, this show started out
young man-old man.

Pretty soon,
we're gonna be

the stinkin' Sunshine Boys.

I used to give you
dating and marriage advice.

Not too long from now,

we're gonna be on stage
comparing colonoscopies.

You know, Walter, age
is a state of mind.

Not when your ass
starts leaking.

Uh...

Yeah, there's a couple
of old farts in the front row,

going, "Yeah, he's right, Lars.

My ass is leaking.
He's right."

And then, after that,
you're gonna die.

I'll be on
the shelf somewhere.

Well, no more nightly
prostate exams.

You know, Walter, technically,
you're not really Frankenstein.

- What? -Well, most people
don't realize this,

but the monster
was The Monster,

and Frankenstein was
actually the doctor.

Well, thank you, Professor
Googles-Too...-Much.

You know, you should...
you should Tweet that.

How about that?

Then you can Tweet,
"I'm a huge dork.

Frowny face,
hashtag, Dumb Ass."

- Walter...
- I'll take "Things

That Will Never Get You Laid"
for $500, Alex.

Well, I will say,
I like your costume.

Well, great.

- Franken-stein.
- Right.

Sounds like a Jewish name.

You think Dr. Frankenstein
was Jewish?

- I don't know.
- That would explain a lot.

Why is that?

He was digging up
used body parts.

Right.

Probably to save money.

Oh, tell me I'm wrong!

Yeah, that's it.
He was Jewish.

And that explains why his
monster was angry all the time.

Why?

Because he's circumcised,
the poor bastard.

Now that changes
the movie completely.

He's killing the villagers
because he's deranged.

No, he's not.
His wiener hurts.

And it was somebody else's.

You know, if I were
really that monster,

wherever the doctor
was digging up parts, yeah,

I'd hope that cemetery had one
dead black guy and no Asians.

That's right.
I did a racist wiener joke.

Happy frickin' Hallow-wiener.

Walter, you went from
Frankenstein

to circumstision... sision.

Focus!

What the hell
is circumstision?

Sounds like something they cut
out of the Constitution.

Just the top part.

All right.

Yeah, by the fore-fathers.

All right.

And that's another thing.

Why was the doctor's monster
seven feet tall?

What?

That's dangerous.

He should have started
with a small monster.

- Small monster?
- Yeah. Frankenmidget.

If anything goes nuts,
just strap his ass

to the kid's car seat and drive
around till he falls asleep.

Parents do it
all the time.

You think it's loose, what's
the worst that could happen?

You get a call
from the villagers.

"Hey, come get your monster.

He's in our yard,
and he's humping our cat."

"That's impossible.

His wiener hurts."

You know, Walter,
you're no longer supposed

to use the word "midget."
They don't like it.

I think what they really don't
like is being three feet tall.

But I'll make sure.

If there are any midgets here

that have a problem,
raise your hand.

Higher, higher...

Huh!

What's wrong
with you tonight?

Uh, take a guess.

I don't know.
Is your wife okay?

That's exactly right.

Wait a minute... your wife
is happy and healthy,

and she's always
in a good mood.

I know, and it's the worst
in the mornings. Good God.

It's, like, "Oh, good morning,
Sunshine."

Holy crap.

Makes me want to drop-kick
her frickin' poodle.

Morning, honey!

It's a kick-ass day now!

I should shove a stick
in that dog's ass

- and use it to clean
the toilets. -Oh.

Course, if you're
in Australia, it'd be...

Walter, I thought your
marriage was solid.

It is, in a constipated
kind of way.

But you still
love each other.

Yes. The love changes
when you get older.

How's that?

Well, you go from wanting
to make out in a car

to wanting to run over
each other with a car.

You go from "I was struck
by Cupid's arrow, “ to,

"Maybe she'll get hit
by a frickin' Camaro."

From, "Hold me and love, me,

to "Kiss my ass
and die,..."

Oh, that's awful.

Now what about
life after death?

Huh?

Some people think
that even after death,

you're still together
for all of eternity.

I'm pretty sure you just
told me to go to Hell.

- Back to the monster stuff.
- Sure.

Is there any particular
movie that scares you?

Yeah, the film
of my wedding.

But if I'm depressed,
I watch it backwards.

You get it?

She walks away.

- Come on, you love your wife.
- Yeah, I know.

But on our wedding, when
she came walking down the aisle,

with that giant hair
and all that makeup,

I felt like yelling,
"it's alive! It's alive!"

So, how did
the service go?

Well, the worst part was
when the minister asked

if anyone objected,
and no one would listen to me.

Maybe they
couldn't hear you.

Hey, you're right.

You weren't there.

So what happened
after the wedding?

- She started eating cake.
- Right.

Non-stop.

- For 45 years.

- You know what scares me now?
- What?

When my wife says,

"Does this thong
make my ass look fat?"

You didn't answer
that, right?

I guessed
I shouldn't have.

What did you say?

I asked her
if it was a thong,

or if her ass grew
over her panties.

That's terrible.

Yeah, I probably
should have stopped there.

What else did you say?

I said, “No, the thong
doesn't make your ass look fat.

Your fat ass makes
your fat ass look fat."

The thong is the victim.

Why-why are you
telling me this?

It's a horror show, right?

Yeah.

Let's talk
about Halloween.

All right, well,
that's less scary.

Yeah.

You guys still get a
lot of trick-or-treaters?

Not any more.

Why?

Well, a couple
of years ago, unfortunately,

my wife answered the door

with one of her knockers
hanging out of her robe.

Yeah, we still get
therapy bills from those kids.

Did you actually
say "knockers"?

Yeah, I guess now they're
more like flappers.

Hell, if she moves
just right,

they flop like
two doggy doors.

Oh, yeah, last week
she did jumping jacks

and ended up
with two black eyes.

Then there are the teenagers
who show up at your door

with a sack and no costume.

- Right.
- They just had the munchies

from smoking
too much weed.

- Weed.
- Yeah, you know, pot.

- I know.
- Maryjane.

- Right.
- Ganja.

The chronic.

The Bangkok blastoff.

The sticky icky.

How do you know all this?

I... have glaucoma.

You know what
scares me now?

- What? -Medical Web sites where
you enter your symptoms

and it tells you
what you have.

- Are you sick?
- I think so.

What do you have?

I pretty much
narrowed it down

to a uterus infection.

Or mesothelioma.

Mesothelioma?

You get that
from asbestos.

That's what Peanut
is made out of.

What, are you
sniffing Peanut?

It's lonely
on the road, Jeff.

Speaking of lonely,

earlier, did I hear you
say you're engaged now?

You have a fiancée?

That's right.

What the...
is wrong with you?

You don't get a call

from the governor
and then turn around

and strap yourself
back in the chair.

You've met Audrey.

Yeah.

- It's a nice chair.
: Yeah.

Yeah, you won't
have to have that one

reupholstered for a while.

- Say good night, Walter.
- Thanks, Savannah!

- That's Walter.

Feel the cold grip
of his presence.

He sleeps in the tomb by day...

...and arises at night

with an insatiable thirst.

I fear we're
dealing with...

a vampire.

Back! Back!

Oh, no!

Okay, maybe,
but I'm not gonna floss.

Eh...

How you doing, Bubba J?

I'm doing purty good!

So, are you
ready for this?

Oh, yeah, been looking
forward to it, yeah, yeah.

- You look good. -Oh, yeah,
I look good. Thanks a lot.

- You have hair.
- I know!

It's a miracle!

It's like an armpit
grew on my head.

Well, I bet you didn't even

recognize yourself
in a mirror.

Oh, I never look
in a mirror.

Why not?

Because in a mirror
I'm backwards,

and it scares me.

- It scares you?
- Yeah, because I know

that all mirrors
are actually windows

to that world where
everything they do

is the opposite of us.

And when they look
in the mirror, they see us,

and we're doing everything
they do but backwards to them.

That's ridiculous.

I know, but you
can't prove me wrong!

- Bubba J... -And sometimes folks
from that world

lose their way and
then somehow end up

in this world.

They are amongst us.

How can you tell?

- They're easy to spot.
- How?

Because they write
with their left hands.

All right... Well, you
want to talk about

why we're here tonight?

Yeah, let's do it!

- Okay.
- Are the cameras on?

- They are.
- Is the tape rolling?

- Yes.
- Great.

Quiet on the set.
Take one.

- You have the first line.
- Okay.

Don't ... it up...

All right, so, uh, Bubba J,
you're a vampire.

Yep, and I've come to suck
your beer.

- Yeah!

- Well, you look good.
- I'm Count Beer-cula.

And I drink Blood-weiser.

Yeah, yeah.

Anything else?

Yeah, I'm a white trash vampire.

How's that?

My coffin has a gun rack.

Really?

And I bit my cousin.

Wait a minute, your...

your coffin has a gun rack?

Everything I own
has a gun rack.

My gun rack has a gun rack.

My coffeemaker
has a gun rack.

My dishwasher
has a gun rack.

- Your dishwasher? -Actually,
I don't have a dishwasher.

Oh.

My wife is my dishwasher,
but she has a rack!

Yeah. I could rest
my pistol there,

if you know what
I'm talking about, eh...

Do you know what
I'm talking about?

'Cause I don't.
I don't know.

So, Bubba J, why'd you
choose to be a vampire?

- Well, we have a lot in common.
- How's that?

We both hang around
with folks with red necks.

- Makes sense. -Yeah, and if
you're a redneck vampire,

you can only be killed
by a silver mullet.

Or a chicken-fried stake
through the heart.

Ha...

Why only one big tooth?

It's a bottle opener.

Oh, I see, yeah.

- Well, I think this was a good
choice for you. -Yeah.

I wanted to be a ghost, but
somebody backstage told me

a redneck in a white sheet
wasn't a good idea.

Bubba J, I was
wondering something.

Yeah, that happens
to me a lot, too.

What I was gonna say is,
what happens if a vampire

drinks the blood
of an alcoholic?

That's genius!

I got a blood-alcohol
level of 3.4.

I should bite myself.

- Wait,

if I do that,
will I go blind?

No.

Oh, yeah, that's
something else, isn't it?

- Yeah.
- Okay, no, no, no.

But that's a pretty high
blood-alcohol level.

Yeah, drink too much
of my blood,

and you'll end up
going home

with a ugly chick
with a lazy eye.

And you won't even
realize she's a he.

So, Bubba J, are
you Team Edward

or Team Jacob?

Oh-ho.

I'm Team Jack Daniels.

Yeah. I've-I've seen
those Twilight vampires.

I'm not sure about that.

- That one main guy,
he's got a six-pack. -Right.

Yeah, big deal.

I got a keg.

I'm not sure about the old
kind of vampires, either.

- How's that? -Well, I could
never sleep in this coffin.

Why not?

Well, my favorite things
are beer and bean dip.

Yeah, you get it, huh?

Not good when you're
in a pine box

with no holes in it.

Dutch oven, my ass.

Oh, yeah?

So, Bubba J, did you go

trick-or-treating when
you were a kid?

Yeah, but where I lived,
it wasn't easy.

- Why? -It's hard to go
trick-or-treat

where any house you're at
could suddenly pull away.

Ding-dong!

Trick or treat!

He's got Milky Ways!
Shoot the tires!

Well, Bubba J, you look good.

Well, I was gonna come
dressed as a monster truck.

A monster truck?
Why didn't you?

The muffler kept
falling out of my ass.

- Well, like this, I think
you're pretty scary. -Thanks.

- But what scares you?
- Oh.

Tornadoes...

Breathalyzers...

and books with words.

Well, I agree with
you on the tornadoes.

Yeah, it's pretty scary
when you get into bed,

and the room is spinning
the wrong way.

Think about it.

I don't think Dorothy's house
really went anywhere.

She was just drunk
off her ass.

You know, Bubba J,

you kind of look like The
Count on Sesame Street.

Oh. That's the vampire
that knows how to count, right?

Yeah.

That's where he
and I are different.

So, how high
can you count?

Six.

When I buy a 12-pack,
I just have to trust 'em.

Well, you can just
buy two six-packs.

I think I hurt my brain.

Bubba J, if you
were a real vampire,

you'd have to stay
inside all day.

- Yeah.
- What would you do?

I'd watch NASCAR
on my plasma TV.

Oh. You...

Wait a minute. You have...
you have a plasma TV?

Well, sort of.

It's a regular TV,

but I call it that, 'cause
I sold my blood to get it.

How big is the TV?

63 inches.

That's a good one.

Yeah. The first thing
I watched on it was a sad movie

about a dead-end street
where drunk guys struggle

to find some meaning
in their pathetic lives.

It was a half an hour
before I realized

I was gazing out
my front window.

I love Halloween:
"Trick or drink!"

Trick or treat.

Not on my road.

What do you do, hand
out cans of beer?

That'd be dumb. No, no.

I squirt 'em in the mouth
with a keg hose.

Yeah, that ain't no normal
golden shower.

I wouldn't know.

Ha. Yeah, whatever.

Do you ever have any trouble

around your neighborhood
on Halloween?

Yeah. Last Halloween,
somebody threw toilet tissue

all over my trailer.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Just in time, too.

I was out of leaves,
and down to pinecones.

So, Bubba J, what
else scares you?

Being kidnapped by aliens.

Right.

The ones from space,
not Mexico.

Hey, do you know
what the difference is

between space aliens

and illegal aliens?

No. What?

Occasionally, space aliens
go back to where they came from.

So, Bubba J, what do you
like most about Halloween?

Oh, I like it when hot girls
dress up like sexy kittens.

- Kittens?
- Yeah.

Which, after too much beer, led
to my unfortunate incident

with my neighbor's cat.

Yeah. I still have scratches
in bad places.

And one really good one.

So does the cat.

My Cousin Jed likes cats, too.

- I see.
- Jed isn't his real name.

That's just what we call him
since he got his GED.

Doesn't that spell "Ged"?

I don't ka-know.

Where'd you grow
up, Bubba J?

All over the place.

I was mobile home-schooled.

Was that a good education?

Oh, yeah.
We covered all the basics.

Reading, writing and meth.

You mean math.

No.

You mean meth, as in
methamphetamines?

Ooh.

Fancy!

Sounds like somebody
got his Ged.

I failed meth.

I hated my lab partner.

I think he was on drugs.

Bubba J, you know
that's illegal.

That's why I ran away.

That's cowardly.

- It is?
- Mm-hmm.

I'm a lion.

That makes you Dorothy.

And Jose is the Tin Man,
Walter is Oz,

and Peanut is
the flying-ass monkey.

Who's Achmed?

Uh, he's the guy that comes in
and ... up the whole story.

He makes it so we have
to take off our shoes

before we go
through the castle.

And who's the Wicked
Witch of the West?

I think you know,
'cause she took all your money.

Say good night, Bubba J.

Good night!

In a world
where crime is rampant,

and no one is willing
to make a stand...

- ...there is only one

who can take back the night.

So, what is it you do, Mr. Nut?

I do nothing.

I am rich.

I mean really rich.

Want to see my car?

Who's there?

Jeff-fuh?

Who's there?

Who are you?
Who are you?!

How you doing, Peanut?

- Doing pretty good.
How about you? -I'm fine.

That's good, that's good,
that's good!

- So, you're Batman?
- No, no, no.

I'm Batnut.

- Batnut?
- Yes.

Batnut, nut-laced avenger
of the night.

Is that why you're
talking like that?

- Of course.
- Batnut?

- Yes. -You sound more like
you're the Choker.

Okay, shut up!

I do the talking.

You stand there
and try to look like

you're doing something
besides just standing there.

Look, do you really think
Batnut scares criminals?

Of course. Especially
if they have a nut allergy.

Face my honey-roasted justice!

So it seems to me
like I'm standing next

to a poor excuse
for a Batman.

And I'm standing next to
a poor excuse for a white man.

So, do you have any weapons?

Of course. Batman has
the batarang.

I have the nutarang.

- The nutarang?
- Yes.

It does exactly
what you think it does.

But when it comes back,
I don't want to catch it.

And I have two of them.
I call them the Dynamic Duo.

And I keep them
near the bat pole.

- Are you finished?
- Yes.

No more double entendres.

Thank you.

- Until the next one.
- Peanut!

- Don't get testicle!
- Oh, come on!

So like Batman, do you have a
signal in the sky to summon you?

Well, I've been trying
to figure that out.

First, I was gonna have
a big bat in the sky.

Then I thought,
"No, that's Batman."

Then I thought, "I know.

I'll have one big nut
in the sky."

Then I thought,
“No. That's Lance Armstrong."

This is ridiculous.

And I have everything Batman has
except one thing.

- What?
- A butler.

- Funny.
- Oh, come on, dude.

- You'd make a great butler.
- No.

Just go with it.
You're Batnut's butler.

- Great.
- The Nutler!

Now, Nutler,
go iron my cape

and disinfect
my polyester bat shorts.

- I'm not gonna be your butler.
- Nutler.

Whatever.

I'm not doing it.

Oh, it's not like
you have anything else to do.

What does that mean?

Seriously, what do you do

when the other guys
and I aren't here?

Walk around looking for
other folks to stand next to?

- You even already have
a butler name. -What?

: Oh,
Dun-ham, bring me my tea.

It's time to butter
the scones.

: I could
even add a little bell.

Ding-ding!

Jef-fuh-fuh!

I want my scones.

I'm not taking
orders from you.

: You would
if I did it in the voice.

Jef-fuh-fuh!

Time to polish
the nutarang.

And please fluff
the padding in my cup.

I love that voice.

I also like the
Darth Vader voice.

I can do both
at the same time.

I am your fuh-father,
Jef-fuh-fuh.

Use the Fuh-force,
Jef-fuh-fuh.

Why is Batman's voice
like that, anyway?

I don't know.
Suit's too tight?

: The suit's
a little tight, Alfred.

It's kind of scrunching up
the Dynamic Duo.

I actually think
I'm better than Batman.

- How's that? -I have one extra
power that he does not.

And that is?

- Bat telepathy.
- Bat telepathy?

Yes, it's like ES-Peanut.

- I have the ability to read
your mind. -No, you...

Don't!

Come on, that's...

Ridiculous!

It's like I knew
what you were gonna say

right when you did.

Well, of course you
did, because...

I like to stare at
Justin Bieber pictures

and dream about being
his secret girlfriend.

Now you're
making stuff up.

- Am I?
- Yes, but I...

Put honey in certain places
for my little doggy to lick.

Will you stop...

Me before I oil myself up
and go clubbing.

What's your name?

I can make you talk.

Ooh-ah, ooh-ah!

Ooh-ah, ooh-ah!

Are you finished?

Ooh-ah, ooh-ah!

Are there any Batman villains
that frighten you?

- Oh, yeah.
- Which one?

The clown that dresses weird
and wears too much makeup.

Right.

So any of the Orange
County housewives.

Ooh-ah, ooh-ah!

That's another thing...
does Batman fart?

I... I don't know.

Yeah, but his are
probably just like him...

silent but deadly.

Wait! Did you hear that?

- No.
- Then you're already dead.

What?

Thanks.

You know what the worst
superhero name is?

Green Lantern.

Named after a lamp...
it's like,

"I'm the Silver Toaster...
stand back or I'll warm you!"

Another bad name
is The Flash.

The Flash... is he
gonna fight crime

or open his trench coat

and show you his
caped crusader?

His caped crusader?

His partners in crime.

His henchmen.

His chicka-chicka-wah-wah!

Ooh-ah, ooh-ah!

Captain America is cool.

Captain Mexico is
his mortal enemy.

Always trying
to take his job.

And, of course,
Captain America's shield

is built by Captain China.

- Captain China? -Yeah, and
sometimes he teams up

with the fearsome
fighter from France.

What does he do?

Just bitch, wait for help,
then surrenders.

Are there any
superheroes you like?

- Duh. Wonder Woman.
- Sure.

- Yeah. I would never
date her, though. -Why?

She has that lasso
that makes you tell the truth.

She ties you up,

and you think it's
getting kinky, and then...

"Of course I want
to nail your sister."

"Yes, those stars do make
your ass look fat."

“No, it wasn't really
just a rash."

You know, last Halloween
some hot chick came to my door

dressed as a hooker
and went, "Trick or treat!"

I took both.

Ooh-ah, ooh-ah!

You know, I love
getting candy on Halloween,

but the candy names
are in question.

Like what?

Don't ever let me
hear you say,

"I love 3 Musketeers."

Oh, really?
Well, I'm sure

you'll enjoy getting
a Blow Pop.

Ooh-ah, ooh-ah!

And I don't want
to know what happens

when you bite
into an Oh Henry!

You probably catch
the Skittles.

And then end up
with a Sour Patch.

I also don't want
a Butterfinger.

I know where
that ... been.

I do like Halloween
costumes, though.

Yeah, you always have
a good one?

Yeah, except one year

when I dressed up
like a cat.

- A cat?
- Yeah.

There was an unfortunate
misunderstanding

after Bubba J drank
a 12-pack.

Want to see the scratches?

No.

Want to see how
he scratched me?

No.

You want to see
my sidekick?

No. Wait. What?

My sidekick.
Ooh-ah, ooh-ah.

You have a sidekick?

Ooh-ah, ooh-ah.

A sidekick for Batnut?

Yep.

Is it José?

Maybe.

Get him out.

Look-look-look-look-
look-look-look!

Who are you?

- That's my sidekick.
- Robin?

Ruben.

I am Ruben.

I see. So you're
a superhero, too.

Si.

- Okay, José.
- Ruben!

Sorry. Ruben.

How can I help you, citizen?

Ooh! Excellent question,
non-citizen.

- So, do you have super powers?
- Si.

What are they?

I can hit you with my stick.

Or poke you in the eye.

If you eat me,
I burn your ass.

And if you mix him
with bad guacamole,

he can give you
the cha-cha-chas.

So, uh, Ruben, are you
a fan of Batman and Robin?

- No. -Then why are you
dressed like this?

Señor Peanut put
these clothes on me.

I could not stop him.

Why couldn't you stop him?

He doesn't have any arms.

He is not Batnut.
He is Captain A-Hole.

Hey!

Ooh-ah, ooh-ah.

Well, I think
it's a good costume.

I wanted to dress
as something

that gave me nightmares.

Like a big plate of nachos?

No, I wanted to dress
as an ugly whore.

Why didn't you?

I could not find a mask

that looks like your sister.

- Hey!
- Wait a minute.

What the hell?!

Ha-ha.

Jerk!

All right. Look. So...

Hey, José, for Halloween,

why don't you and your
family all line up

and go as a picket fence?

You know what scares José?

A deep fryer
and cheese up his ass.

I know someone else who has
cheese up their ass.

Yeah? Who?

Ask your mother.

All right!

Okay, look
at Batnut's sidekick,

do you have
any responsibilities?

- No.
- Nothing?

- You don't even drive a car?
- No.

That would be stick on stick.

And that's illegal
in some states.

Ooh-ah, ooh-ah!

But Ruben, you don't have
any powers?

Or limbs.

How do you stop villains?

Mace.

Mace.

It'd been funny
if he said pepper spray.

Why didn't you say
pepper spray?

You cannot say that
without moving your lips.

- So, Ruben, how do you spray
the bad guys? -Well...

Uh! This is a family show.

Have you ever been
a sidekick before?

No, but he's been a side dish.

Get ii?! A side dish!

With cheese
for your mother.

All right!

So, look, a sidekick
is there in case

- the superhero gets
into trouble. -Si.

What do you do
if Batnut gets beat up?

I just laugh.

And then I put
the video on YouTube.

He gets lots of hits.

Who's the piñata now,...?

So on Halloween when you guys
aren't Batnut and Ruben,

do you go trick-or-treating?

Si. We go home to home.

- Ah.
- Unless he's out of work.

- What? -Then he goes
Home Depot to Home Depot.

So, José, what did you dress up
as last year?

- I went as a Mexican Boy Scout.
- I see.

Yeah, he helped
an old lady cross the border.

So, José,
where'd you get the mask?

Señor Peanut.

All he needed was a piece of
material with two holes in it.

- Right.
- So that's my underwear.

His mask is your underwear?

Is that why
my eyes are burning?

Thank you, Taco Bell.

Peanut?

He looks like something
a gay cat coughed up.

Hey!

All right, all right, look,
as Batnut and Ruben,

do you guys have an archenemy,
some sort of villain?

Si, Señor.

- Oh, yeah.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Can we see him?

You see him every day.

What?

He said, "You see
him every day."

I heard him.

Then why did you
say, "What?"

What?

: He said,
"Why did you say what?"

Why are you yelling?

Because you keep
saying, "What?"

Apparently, he
cannot hear us.

I can hear you fine.

He's getting old.

- What?
- See?

He said, "What?" again.

It's downhill after 50.

He's been farting
more now, too.

I know. Old guys do that.

Excuse me.

I think he farted again.

At least he's polite.

You guys?

Yes, Jeff.

It's okay to get old, Señor.

It happens to everyone.

Unless you die first.

My hearing is fine.

Then why
are you yelling?

I don't know!

He's confused.

No, I'm not!

And in denial.

What are you talking about?!

And he's senile.

Yup.

- It's okay.
- Excuse me!

Why? Did you fart again?

- No.
- So it was just the once?

What would happen
if I snapped and killed you?

That would
make you homicidal.

Exactly.

So you're admitting
you're gay?

How do you get gay?

You just admitted
you're homicidal.

What?!

There he goes again.

- Peanut?
- Batnut. -And Ruben.

Do you guys have
an archenemy?

- Si.
- Who is it?

- You.
- Me? -Si.

Our archenemy is in José's box.

The only thing
in the box over there

is the little
ventriloquist dummy

that kind of looks like me.

Right. Get it out.

You want me
to pull out Little Jeff?

You can try that
if you want to!

Can you make that
talk, too, Señor?

Ooh-ah! Ooh-ah!

Add to your new act.

"Hi. I'm Little Jeff."

It's going to
be a short show.

Oh!

Look, the only thing...

This is him right here.
This is it.

This is...
this is your enemy.

That's it. Oh, look,
check it out! Look! Look!

It is my archenemy.

I love this!
This is fantastic!

This is just Little
J.D., the dummy of me.

I... Oh, you forgot his mask.

Get the mask out.
Quick, get the mask!

- He has a mask?
- Yeah.

- It's here, Señor.
- Okay.

Look at this.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I present to you...

The Loser!

I am The Loser.

Peanut?

Wait, wait.
He has to say it again.

- I am a Loser.
- We got it.

And why do you
think this is funny?

He's a loser!

Maybe it's you, Señor.

I know that.

Yeah, it's Dunham
and Dunham-er.

We are the Losers!

This is stupid.

Ask him about
his powers, Señor.

Yeah, yeah,
come on, ask him!

I'm not talking
to a doll.

Ah, come on, ask him
about his powers.

Please, Señor.

- Come on!
- All right, all right.

So, uh, Loser, what
are your powers?

You talked to a ... doll.

You're a loser.
Oh, my God.

You need a big "L“
on your forehead, too.

Okay, so, does he
have any powers?

- Nope.
- Losers.

All right.

He's just like you,
except everything is smaller.

Not everything.

Okay, so does he have
one power at all?

Yes, he has one power.

What is it?

He can repulse women
with a single sentence.

Watch.

I am a ventriloquist.

So, does he do anything?

He plays with dolls.

That's me.

And he plays with
himself for hours.

That's more him than me.

Does he have a
secret hideout?

- Yup.
- The closet.

- All right.

- Two words.
- What?

Blue Prius.

All right.

Señor, that is Spanish

for, "I drive a gay car."

The Loser Cruiser.

- I don't like the name
"The Loser." -You're right.

- He probably isn't really
a loser. -Thank you.

I say we get a new mask for him
that's shaped like a

- Okay.
- I am The Wuss.

- Okay, I'm curious
about something. -Shoot.

- Every superhero has
an archenemy. -Yes.

- But so does every villain.
- That's true.

- So does The Loser have
an archenemy? -Of course.

- Only one.
- Who's that?

The evil, the ruthless
Al E. Moaney.

Get it? Alimony?

I got it.

And there's only one superhero

who can save me
from Al E. Moaney.

Who's that?

He's strong, but stupid,
wealthy, but easily manipulated.

And that is?

New Husbandman.

But she's not
that stupid, right?

Well, legally,
per the agreement,

I'm not allowed
to talk about this.

But we can?

Yeah, you're good.

To be continued!

- To the closet. -And that's
Batnut and Ruben.

I... I... I... I...
keel... keel... keel... keel...

you.. you... you..
you... you...

This neighborhood...

...this house...

...these people...

- You want something to drink?
- Thanks.

Infidels. I keel you

...are in for the shock

of their lives.

What will be left...

Wooh!

Ah... uh-uh.

...when all is revealed...

Ooh. Hmm.

Oh, too heavy.

How am I going to keel them?

...and the dark
secret comes out?

Oh! Ooh!

Ooh!

Achmed?!

;
No...!

Good evening,
Savannah infidels!

So, uh, Achmed,

why are you
dressed like this?

Oh, you told me to dress

like the scariest thing
I could think of.

What are you?

I am a woman.

Just a woman?

Worse.
An American woman.

- Ha, ha.

Silence! Impossible.

What's so scary about
an American woman?

They can vote.

Yeah, and they can drive.

Not the Asian ones.

That is incredibly racist.

Yet factually correct.

How do you know?

I learned it in Cosmo.

Cosmo?

I took the quiz.

- The quiz?
- Yes.

The quiz,
"Are You a Racist...?"

- I see.
- And guess what?

- What?
♪ Ta-da! I

I see.

So what else scares you
about American women?

Besides everything?

- The money.
- The money?

You marry an American woman,
and in no time,

all your money for bombs
is gone!

She blows money on shoes, I have
no money to blow up the Jews.

What?!

I don't mean just the Jews,
but it rhymes...

"shoes" and "Jews."

I-I could've said, you know,
"slacks" and "blacks.“

But "Jews" is funnier.

And I like black folks.

Oh, we white chicks
love the black guys.

I think the expression is
"once you go black,

you never go back to white guys
or medium to small animals."

Something like that.

Hey, I see you looking at me.

What do you think?

Uh, nice hair.

Oh, yes, and I promise you,
the drapes match the curtains.

What?! I was talking about
my beard, you idiots!

I don't have carpet carpet.

Well, I must say, your costume
is-is not what I expected.

- You mean the blonde hair?
- Right.

Well, I used to be
a suicide bomber,

now I'm a suicide bombshell.

And it's easy for me
to play a woman,

because after the explosion,
my man-junk was never recovered.

I should've worn a cup.

A cup?

But a good one, like the one
Venus Williams wears.

What?!

I love that guy
and his brother.

So as a skeleton...

What did you call me?!

A skeleton.

Oh, you're just trying
to flatter me.

I still need to lose
ten more pounds.

You're all bones.

I know.

Eat your heart out, Angelina!

Seriously,
eat something, anything,

a ... sandwich, whatever.

So, uh, what size
dress is that?

You never ask a woman that.

But if you must know,

I am now a size zero.

How'd you get down
to a size zero?

My weight loss program.

Suicide bombing.

What?

I lost 200 pounds
in 0.2 seconds.

Now I can eat
whatever I want.

Seriously, it goes
right through me.

Yeah, give me
a cheeseburger and a bucket.

Well, you look good.

No, I'm not. I'm bloated.

I feel fat.

I have cramps.

I'm going to cry.

What's wrong?

I don't know!

Don't touch me!

Achmed...

No, no! Achmedina.

Do you dress
like this often?

No, only when I want
free drinks.

Am I right, ladies?!

Someone told me yesterday I look
like a Victoria's Secret model.

Really?

I know what their secret is.

- What?

Well, I must say, I
like your pink dress.

Oh! Fuchsia.

- Well, you look good.
- Right.

Can you tell
I had some work done?

Yes, the last time I had

this much plastic on my chest,
it exploded.

So, Jeffrey...

do you like my hoochers?

That's, uh, "hooters."

You can call them
whatever you want.

You just have to
buy me dinner first.

Hey!

MY eyes are up here!

My hoochers do not talk.

But of course
you could make them talk

if you wanted to, couldn't you?

Hell, you could even
make my voice

come out of my vajayjay
if you wanted to.

Or as I call it,
my terror cave.

Am I right, ladies?!

Your carrot cake?

What?

I said "terror cave."

Oh, I thought you said...

thought you said carrot cake.

What the hell?!

What now, you looking
for my frosting?

Okay, but it's
sour cream based.

Wait a minute,
you misunderstood what I said?

You need to get some help
really soon, I'm telling you.

Look, Achmed, I don't think
this costume is that scary.

Oh, really?

What if I came to your door?
Ding-dong.

Remember that night
at Applebee's?

I'm carrying your child.

Yeah, that would be scary.

And it's worse for you.

When an angry blonde woman
comes to your door,

she doesn't want candy,
she wants half.

So where you're from, are
there female suicide bombers?

We're pushing for it.

Why?

It's a lot easier
than divorce.

Think about it.

And I have been
working on a new weapon.

A new weapon?

Just for
female suicide bombers.

What's that?

A tam-bomb.
Just pull the string.

You know that's a good one.

I'm changing the subject.

Do you like scary movies?

Oh, yes. My favorites are

I Know What You Did
Last Ramadan...

Dr. Jekyll and Hide
or We'll All Be Killed!

But my favorite is
Silence! Of the Lambs.

And thank God
they are silent.

Oh, if the lambs
could talk...

Achmed, could we please
stop with the sheep jokes?

- There's children watching.

- Really?
- Right.

- Then it's time for the talk.
- What?

When a man and a sheep
love each other very much...

Will you stop it?

That's what the sheep
always say.

That's why you have to go
with a lamb... they're silent.

Hold on.

After the show, will you, uh, go
buy me some feminine products?

You know,
like some Summer's Eve.

I'm not feeling fresh.

I think the carrots
are spoiled.

Or I may have
a hummus infection.

You're kind of a mess.

Yes, but a hot mess, no?

And can I tell you a secret?

Sure.

: I kind of like
dressing like this.

Seriously, you should
give it a try, again.

Give it a second chance.

I have never dressed
like a woman.

You mean in public.

I know, what happens on the
tour bus stays on the tour bus.

Susan.

Ooh-ah! Ooh-ah!

You guys have
been awesome!

Thanks for coming tonight!

Thank you!

Yay, Roadie!

Thanks again, you guys!