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1
00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:03,607
Give me that!
2
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:05,769
(SCREAMING)
3
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,804
(GRUNTS)
Move!
4
00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:23,762
Hey, sir! Sir! Come back!
(ALARM BLARING)
5
00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:38,367
(TIRES SCREECHING)
6
00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:40,241
(EXCLAIMS)
7
00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:57,925
HANNAH: I've gotta
get outta here.
8
00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,684
Boo, boo, boo, hey, hey, hey.
9
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:01,643
Girl, you got that
list of questions?
10
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:02,846
Yes.
11
00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:05,810
I think I have
everything that I need.
12
00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:07,800
Be happy you ain't got
this chlamydia, all right?
13
00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:09,968
Ooh, girl, I tried
to take a piss earlier,
14
00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:12,200
it was like there was an angry
dragon inside my snatch,
15
00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,124
you know, like some
Game of Thrones shit!
16
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,362
That's terrible, Kateesha.
17
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:19,125
I can't help it when
a tall, athletic brother
18
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:21,561
come pushing up
on this thickness.
19
00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:23,449
Ooh, yeah...
Oh, shit!
20
00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:28,089
Oh, God, girl, I thank God
every motherfucking day
21
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,766
that the SuperSonics
moved to Oklahoma. Shit.
22
00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:36,929
Okay, I'm gonna go so I won't
be late for your interview.
23
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:38,571
What the fuck are
you wearing, girl?
24
00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:43,329
There ain't no camouflage, no
fishnets and no fluorescent colors.
25
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:46,324
How they gonna see you in the dark, bitch?
How they gonna see you?
26
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:48,245
I gotta go.
27
00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:04,921
(CAR BACKFIRES)
28
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:13,764
Wow, so big.
29
00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:19,605
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
30
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:35,450
Oh, I'm sorry.
31
00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:38,205
If you're looking for the homeless
shelter, it's two doors down.
32
00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:40,243
Oh, no, I'm...
I'm Hannah Steale.
33
00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,527
I'm here to see Mr. Black.
34
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:46,762
The college bitch.
May I take your coat?
35
00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,286
Yes, please.
Thank you.
36
00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:51,565
Ew...
37
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:54,680
Follow me.
38
00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:58,806
In case you're wondering,
39
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:00,848
I'm the hot secretary
who's fucking the boss,
40
00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:02,843
which means there's no
room for the dopey intern
41
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,287
with the damaged
hair and the cankles.
42
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,086
Come here.
43
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,242
(EXHALES)
Ugh!
44
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:13,651
That's the smell of his balls
45
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,688
after lunch and two
games of racquetball.
46
00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:17,683
(INHALES) Mmm...
47
00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:20,289
Have a nice day,
Ms. Steale.
48
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:21,850
(IN A LOW VOICE)
Plain-ass bitch.
49
00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:26,251
(DOOR THUDS)
(SIGHS)
50
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:31,684
(GRUNTING)
51
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:37,531
(YELLING)
52
00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:43,046
Ow! My neck.
Ow. Ooh.
53
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,047
You...
54
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:50,327
(GROWLING)
55
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,084
Oh, shit!
56
00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:02,528
I guess I should've
tried pulling.
57
00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:03,687
Ms. Kavahellnah.
58
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:04,841
Christian Black.
59
00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:07,046
Are you okay?
60
00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,288
I think so, yeah.
61
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,528
Good, 'cause you got fucked up!
62
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:12,931
(LAUGHING)
63
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,606
I mean, you hit that statue
like a hard-charging rhino,
64
00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:17,489
and I say rhino because you're
a lot fatter than I thought,
65
00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:18,561
and you got this
bump on your nose
66
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,608
that resembles a small horn.
Um...
67
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,490
Maybe you wanna get that squeezed.
Okay.
68
00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:24,085
A little Proactiv on it.
69
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:25,930
I'm not
Ms. Kavahellnah.
70
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,490
You ain't
Ms. Kavahellnah?
71
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,404
Who the fuck are you?
My name is Hannah Steale.
72
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:31,970
I'm studying literature
73
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,929
with Kateesha at the university.
74
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,401
Oh.
75
00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:38,205
Please, have a seat.
76
00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:39,770
Thank you.
You're welcome.
77
00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:56,841
No.
78
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,401
No. So, what do you want?
79
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:03,608
Jesus Christ!
Just spit it out!
80
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:05,850
A pencil.
81
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:08,969
(MOCKING) A pencil... (NORMALLY) You
should've just said that in the beginning!
82
00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:11,441
Gosh! Here, take 'em!
83
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,962
Jesus!
Thank you.
84
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,089
You gotta get your shit together, Ms.
Steale.
85
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:19,525
Shit.
86
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,251
These are Kateesha's
questions, okay?
87
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:27,320
"You have mad stacks of cash.
88
00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,600
"How'd you get it,
and can I get some?"
89
00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,366
(CHUCKLES) Oh...
Ms. Steale.
90
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:34,561
I got my money
91
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:36,847
the way most black
entrepreneurs got theirs.
92
00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:39,408
Real estate?
Drug dealing.
93
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:43,048
See, you have to know your
business inside and out.
94
00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:46,206
I smoked crack.
Not for long,
95
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:49,008
but just long enough to know
what a penis tastes like.
96
00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:52,488
Tastes like raw rump roast.
97
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:54,210
Mmm. (SMACKS LIPS)
Ew!
98
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:57,648
I got all ashy, like E.T. when
he was sick in the river.
99
00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:01,170
I lost six essential teeth.
100
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:05,128
Have you ever tried to eat
steak with one molar?
101
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:07,521
No. Why would
I do that?
102
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,128
Gnaw and suck.
103
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:13,244
Gnaw and suck.
It's hard.
104
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:17,486
Could be that you're lucky. No.
105
00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:19,803
Keanu Reeves is lucky.
106
00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:22,566
Flo Rida is lucky.
107
00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:24,927
Iggy Azalea is lucky.
108
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:26,923
Yeah, he's lucky.
109
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:28,201
Next question.
110
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:33,329
"Is you gay, or is you
gay as a motherfucker?"
111
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:37,645
Just because you touch a penis
doesn't mean you're gay.
112
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:40,246
Especially if it's
for money or crack.
113
00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:44,406
You're only gay if you
enjoy touching penis.
114
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:47,201
You touch a penis with attitude, like...
"I don't really like this."
115
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:50,369
That ain't gay.
It's just exploratory.
116
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:53,323
You said you're
an English major.
117
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,721
Was it Chaucer, Shelley or Keats
118
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,882
that first made you fall
in love with literature?
119
00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:00,322
It was Seuss.
Seuss!
120
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,051
Cat in the Hat, Thing 1 and Thing 2.
And Thing 2!
121
00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,202
I mean, who doesn't
wanna be them?
122
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:07,328
Well, you know, me and my
brother were Thing 1
123
00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:08,925
and Thing 2 for
Halloween this year.
124
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:11,002
Really?
Yeah. Check this out.
125
00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:12,207
(HANNAH GASPS)
126
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:14,169
Oh, my God, look at both of you!
127
00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:16,288
We called 'em
Thang 1 and Thang 2.
128
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:18,402
(BOTH LAUGH)
129
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:19,845
That's amazing.
130
00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:21,524
What if I wanted to hire you?
131
00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:25,891
I don't know. I see the way
the women dress around here.
132
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,691
I don't exactly fit in.
133
00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:30,762
You know, despite the
Salvation Army sweater,
134
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:32,330
the greasy weaves,
135
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,408
and your big ol' Usher nose,
136
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,926
there's something oddly
attractive about you.
137
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:39,163
Yeah, you're like
the little ugly runt
138
00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:40,969
in a litter full
of pretty puppies.
139
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,282
You know, the little ugly one
that nobody wants to touch.
140
00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:46,807
You're, all hairless and
big-eyed and wild-looking.
141
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:49,691
But you just wanna take you
home and give you love,
142
00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:51,762
or stuff you in a sack
with a bunch of rocks
143
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:53,330
and just toss
your little ugly ass
144
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:54,440
at the bottom of the ocean.
145
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:55,766
Just put you out your misery.
146
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,448
Oh. Okay.
147
00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:02,726
Thank you, Mr. Black.
148
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,007
Please, call me Christian.
149
00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:09,051
Christian. I hope I answered
all your questions.
150
00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,202
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
You certainly did.
151
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,483
Hannah.
Christian.
152
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:16,971
Ooh, shit!
(ELEVATOR ALARM BLARING)
153
00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:18,530
Oh, God!
154
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,281
Oh!
155
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:22,084
Jesus Christ!
156
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:23,844
Oh, God, make it stop!
157
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,843
(ELEVATOR DOORS CLOSE)
(SIGHS)
158
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,571
White girls,
get that elevator fixed.
159
00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:32,001
(DOOR OPENS)
160
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:34,005
Ooh, Hannah!
161
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,561
So, how was he?
162
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:40,123
He was all right, I guess.
163
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:43,886
Oh, shit! You fucked him,
girl! I knew that shit!
164
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,685
(SINGSONG) Yeah, girl, get that
dick, girl, get that dick.
165
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,889
What? Uh! Get that dick!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
166
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,685
Take it to town, motherfucker.
Get that dick.
167
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,808
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
168
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:56,962
Shit, girl, yeah! Ooh!
169
00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:58,610
So, did he have a big dick?
170
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:01,445
What? Ooh, girl, was it
like real skinny, girl,
171
00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:03,443
or was it like real long,
like skinny long?
172
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:04,726
'Cause that's fucking weird.
173
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:06,683
But, like, short
and thick, girl?
174
00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,285
I can get down with
that short, fat dick.
175
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:11,011
No, there is... There's no...
There's no dick.
176
00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:12,764
Remember what I told you, okay?
177
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:16,123
If it's got like little red zit-like
things on the head of that shit,
178
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,964
you put that in your butt, okay?
179
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:21,522
He gonna be like, "Oh, girl,
no, it's just skin tags."
180
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:23,881
"Bitch, you got 47
skin tags on your dick?
181
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,041
"I ain't falling for that shit.
182
00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:27,043
"Again!" Okay?
183
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:31,722
Mmm, but you gotta admit,
girl, he is bangin'! Mmm!
184
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:34,930
Yeah, I guess if you're
into the wildly-successful,
185
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,407
super-handsome,
possibly-dangerous thing,
186
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:39,369
then Christian
Black is your guy.
187
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,410
Bitch, I'm talkin'
'bout Lil Weezy!
188
00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:45,051
Ooh, girl, he got
tats on his tats.
189
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:47,282
And he ain't afraid
to get a bitch pregnant.
190
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:49,089
Let you keep
the baby and everythin'.
191
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:50,321
Mmm.
192
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,246
You gonna eat that?
193
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:58,922
Ooh, I wish I could find a man
the size of this to satisfy me.
194
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:01,611
(CHUCKLES) This shit
better be gluten-free.
195
00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:14,360
(SIGHS)
196
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,611
Hmm, Mr. Black.
197
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,290
Oh, God.
198
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,929
Mmm... God, Christian.
199
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,001
Mmm...
200
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:46,529
(MOANING)
201
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:47,641
(CLIPBOARD CLATTERS)
202
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:49,210
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
203
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:50,406
(EXCLAIMING)
204
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:54,130
Oh, my God, you know
what I wanna do.
205
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:55,486
(CONTINUES MOANING)
206
00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:58,964
(RETCHES AND SPITS)
207
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,244
(GAGGING)
208
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:03,845
(YELLING)
209
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,125
(CONTINUES GAGGING)
210
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:08,566
(MOANS)
211
00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:10,041
(COUGHS)
212
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,963
(PANTING)
213
00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:13,727
(CHUCKLES)
214
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,047
(GASPS)
215
00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:19,644
Hi.
What the fuck?
216
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,650
What a pleasant
surprise, Ms. Steale.
217
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:24,009
Please, call me Hannah.
218
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:25,127
Okay, Ms. Steale.
219
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,680
I was just in the area and
wanted to pick up a few items.
220
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:31,521
Are you stalking me, Mr. Black?
221
00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:32,965
(LAUGHS)
222
00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:34,087
Yes.
223
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,602
I mean, unless you
don't want me to.
224
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:40,650
You do want me to, don't you?
225
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:43,885
Just something to think about.
226
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,286
Can I help you with something?
227
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:48,441
Yes.
228
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:50,761
I would like to pick up some
cable ties and some tape.
229
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:53,128
Well, you're in luck, we got
some cable ties right here.
230
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,288
What color do you want? Red.
231
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,523
The color of passion.
232
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:00,964
The tape is this way.
Follow me.
233
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,644
If I didn't know better,
234
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,722
I might mistake you
for a serial killer.
235
00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:11,046
(CHUCKLES)
236
00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:12,645
Don't be ridiculous.
If I was a serial killer,
237
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,722
I'd need rope, ax, lye, ammonia,
238
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:16,723
chlorophyll, wood
chipper, plastic sheets
239
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,723
and three large
boxes of space Pampers.
240
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:20,406
And a shovel.
241
00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:23,722
Second thought...
242
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,928
I think I need to
pick up a few more items.
243
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:29,166
Well, looks like
you're all set now.
244
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:30,765
Thank you, Ms. Steale.
245
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:36,326
Hey, if your roommate needs a
photo to go with the story,
246
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,767
I'll be around tomorrow.
And the next day.
247
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:39,921
And the day after that.
248
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,968
I'm actually around
all of next week.
249
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,208
Here. Just contact me.
250
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:47,325
"Christian Black.
251
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:52,085
"I'm not a bidness man,
I'm a bidness... man."
252
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:55,641
Thank you so much for your help, Ms.
Steale.
253
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:57,888
Let me know when those space
Pampers come in, okay?
254
00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,485
Save me three boxes!
(THUDS)
255
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:00,931
Got a long drive ahead of me.
256
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,411
(CHUCKLES) Bye!
257
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,130
I'm gonna call you.
258
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,327
(DOOR OPENS)
259
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:09,010
(JESSE VOCALIZING)
260
00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:12,124
Jesse!
Hey.
261
00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:14,328
Thank you so much
for doing this last minute.
262
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:17,125
Hannah, listen, you are
my best friend, okay?
263
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:18,611
You know I'd do
anything for you, right?
264
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:19,966
Oh!
265
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,767
Yeah. I'd really love a
hand job, though. What?
266
00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:25,531
I said I really love this job.
It's amazing.
267
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,204
Oh, my God.
Get in here.
268
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:28,930
(GRUNTS)
Later I wanna hit it.
269
00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:30,770
Uh... Um...
270
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:32,490
I didn't catch the last thing.
271
00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:34,648
I said later
I wanna hit the bar.
272
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,006
Oh.
Come on, Hannah,
273
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:37,730
it's what platonic friends do.
274
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,165
You know?
You grab a beer, right?
275
00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:40,287
Then you make out and have sex
276
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,120
until we question the status of our
friendship or whatever, you know?
277
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,811
I guess. Come on.
Yeah. Come here.
278
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:47,490
Whoa!
Whoa!
279
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,961
Hannah! Did you just
kiss me on my lips?
280
00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:52,720
Wait, I thought that... No. Listen.
Okay, let's get one thing clear.
281
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,724
We are just friends. Don't make it weird.
Oh, no, I thought...
282
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:58,081
It's okay, I'll fuck you later.
Wait. What?
283
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,282
I said I'll see you later.
284
00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:02,005
Jeez, Hannah.
Oh.
285
00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:04,170
Just go.
286
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:06,445
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
287
00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:08,325
JESSE: Pow! Pow!
288
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,087
Girl, he's staring at you like
some real
289
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:14,083
Fear-type
shit right now, girl.
290
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:15,605
He look like Marky Mark
291
00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:17,967
after he left the Funky Bunch
and started acting, girl.
292
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:19,405
All right, give me a smile.
293
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,001
Cheese.
294
00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:23,321
All right, don't ever
fucking smile again, okay?
295
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:26,160
He asked me to go to coffee
with him after the shoot.
296
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:27,730
Oh, girl, that's cute!
297
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:29,450
Last time I went to coffee,
298
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:31,682
I got eaten out
outside of McDonald's.
299
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:34,651
That McCafé menu
got a girl gushin'.
300
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,600
All right, let's break the Internet.
(CORK POPS)
301
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:47,041
Eat.
302
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,846
I'm not your dog, you
can't tell me what to do.
303
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,806
You're right. If you were
my dog, I would do this.
304
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,521
Bad girl! Bad,
bad, bad girl!
305
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:00,286
(SPITS)
306
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:01,566
So, tell me about your family.
307
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:02,886
Well...
308
00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:07,088
My dad left me when
I was two years old,
309
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,885
(YAWNING) so I was mostly
raised by my stepdad, Ron.
310
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,923
That's painfully uninteresting.
311
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:14,441
How about your mother?
312
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:16,688
She's been married eight times.
Yeah.
313
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:18,649
She's an incurable romantic.
314
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:20,324
Are you a romantic?
315
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:21,686
I guess.
316
00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:23,127
(GROANS)
317
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,406
I mean, I like long
walks on the beach.
318
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,050
I like baby talk,
I like to cuddle.
319
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:27,849
Ooh, and I love
Nicholas Sparks movies.
320
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,331
Even the one with Miley Cyrus?
321
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:31,562
That's my favorite one!
Bitch, I'm out!
322
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:34,447
(DUB STEP MUSIC PLAYING)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
323
00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,050
JESSE: Cheers.
Yeah.
324
00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:43,405
Ooh, that tastes like a
white boy on spring break.
325
00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:45,921
I hate him.
I'm gonna call him.
326
00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:47,769
You want another drink?
327
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,081
Yes. Drink to forget.
328
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:51,685
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
329
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:54,325
Oh, yeah.
(GURGLES)
330
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:57,891
That tastes horrible.
331
00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:00,008
The Molly must not be
crushed up all the way.
332
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,043
Let me fix it for you.
333
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,125
I gotta go to the bathroom.
334
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:05,440
You gotta what?
335
00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:07,966
I gotta go to the ladies' room.
336
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,884
Huh? I have to take a shit!
337
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,486
(MUSIC STOPS)
(ALL GASP)
338
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:16,685
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
339
00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:19,923
Hannah....Hannah, you feeling all right?
A little woozy perhaps?
340
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:22,327
Whoa! Huh? Unable to
make good decisions?
341
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:23,367
We should take it
to the next level
342
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:24,726
and you, like, suck my dick.
Huh?
343
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:26,290
Baby, you take it
to the next level,
344
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:27,521
you stop feelin' sick, okay?
345
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:30,683
Oh, my God. You are
my bestest friend.
346
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,330
Yes. With benefits.
347
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,290
Ah... Fuck my mouth
with your fingers.
348
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:36,601
Fuck!
349
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:39,450
I'm never gonna get none.
350
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,487
I'll fuck you. I ain't gonna
like it, but I'll do it.
351
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:46,329
Listen, I don't
fuck white girls, okay?
352
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,044
Nigga, who you callin' white?
353
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,362
She just call me the N word?
354
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:55,204
Kind of turned me on.
355
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,323
Call me "nigga" again.
356
00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:06,082
Mmm-hmm.
(DIAL TONE RINGING)
357
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:07,321
(EXHALES)
358
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:08,970
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
359
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:13,811
Well, hello there.
360
00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:15,882
Yeah, this is Hannah.
361
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:17,801
Hannah, are you wasted?
362
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:19,291
Yes, I am wasted.
363
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:22,011
You're a hole-ass,
you're might on the roney,
364
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:24,361
you penis suck of yours.
365
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:28,525
You sound like Yoda. Listen, I
want you to go home right now.
366
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,284
Don't tell me what to do,
367
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,761
Mr. "Oh,
let's go for coffee.
368
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,803
"No, stay away
from me!"
369
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,326
Let me put this in words
you can understand.
370
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:40,370
(IMITATING YODA)
Now, right home you go!
371
00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:41,441
No!
372
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:42,961
I told him.
373
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,961
Mmm-hmm. Bitch, you
smell like shit.
374
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,610
(SNIFFING)
375
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:51,446
Ugh!
376
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,041
Oh, Hannah! Hannah!
Hey, it's cold out here.
377
00:18:58,120 --> 00:18:59,240
You can't come out like that.
378
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:00,725
Oh, thank you.
379
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:02,086
How you feelin'?
380
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:03,850
Just a little bit drunk.
381
00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:06,400
Are you, like, Donald-Trump-running-
for-president drunk
382
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,687
or, like, Donald-Trump-saying-
he-don't-like-Mexicans drunk?
383
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:09,966
'Cause that's
some crazy shit, man.
384
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,327
A lot of Mexicans out there just
crossing the border and shit!
385
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:15,324
And you show them niggas love!
Show them niggas love!
386
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:16,401
Can I show you some love?
387
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:17,527
What? No!
(EXCLAIMS)
388
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,968
Come on. Come on!
Just one kiss, man!
389
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:23,042
I don't know when you gonna
be this drunk again!
390
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,690
Come on, gimme that kiss!
391
00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:25,761
Ow! Stop!
392
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,366
Hey! Hey! She said no! Stop!
393
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,241
HANNAH: Christian!
394
00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:32,726
You just push me, nigga?
395
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:35,248
Oh, you got some crazy
shit coming, boy.
396
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:36,721
Wait. Hold up.
This nigga comin' back?
397
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:37,847
Comin' to you, nigga.
398
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,524
He comin' back!
(SCREAMS)
399
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,364
(GRUNTS)
WOMAN: Damn!
400
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:46,768
Christian, stay down!
401
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,445
Okay. Okay.
402
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,280
The nigga's a ninja!
This nigga's a ninja.
403
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,608
WOMAN: Worldstar!
(SPITS)
404
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,604
Bitch! HANNAH: He had
such a beautiful face.
405
00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:59,125
Did he leave?
406
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,043
You better run!
407
00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:03,320
Oh, I don't feel
so good, Christian.
408
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:04,440
Come on, let's get you home.
409
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:06,608
Oh, no, I can't with you,
410
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,769
because my roommate is in there.
411
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:13,249
Don't worry. She's being
well taken care of.
412
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:14,890
What's your name again?
413
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:17,088
My name is Eli.
414
00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:19,731
My friends call me Weekday.
415
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,325
I'm Christian's brother.
416
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,050
Ooh... Mmm...
417
00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:25,168
The poor one.
418
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:26,287
Mmm-mmm...
419
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,249
I know what you're saying,
420
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:35,167
"Oh, he's financially poor,
yet spiritually rich."
421
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:36,606
Mmm...
422
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:39,160
Nah, that don't count.
What do you feel?
423
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,171
What do you feel?
Oh, my God.
424
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:46,642
When does that end?
Oh, my God!
425
00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:51,448
The weight of my penis makes my
money too heavy to carry around!
426
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:52,686
Yes!
427
00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:54,325
I'll see you later, woman.
428
00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:55,761
(MOANS)
429
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,525
Until we meet again.
How can I touch you?
430
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,443
I mean, get in touch with you!
431
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:01,931
My number
432
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:04,211
is seven.
433
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:05,281
Oh!
434
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:09,568
That's a good number.
Oh, God.
435
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:11,165
I'mma call you!
436
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:16,323
(MOANS SLOWLY)
Good morning.
437
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:18,930
I've been staring
at you all night.
438
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,206
I haven't blinked once.
439
00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:22,370
Gosh, my eyes are hurting.
440
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,885
How did I get here? I
brought you here, Hannah.
441
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:30,201
Did you undress me?
442
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:31,850
I sure did. Mmm...
443
00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:33,571
My God, we didn't...
444
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:35,928
No, we didn't.
445
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:38,489
And I have the blue
balls to prove it.
446
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:41,089
Look at these things.
447
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:42,160
(GROANS)
448
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,406
Ugh!
449
00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:47,087
What are those?
What the fuck are those?
450
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:48,765
Oh... It hurts so much.
451
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,410
I don't know what to do!
452
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:51,811
Why are you showing me this?
453
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:53,891
I ordered you some breakfast.
454
00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:07,087
Here. Eat. You'll
need your strength.
455
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:11,086
But you licked this one, and did all
sorts of other weird stuff to it.
456
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:13,925
Can I get a fresh one?
Maybe some jam.
457
00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:15,610
No, eat it.
(SIGHS)
458
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:18,001
Why don't you just
leave me alone, Christian?
459
00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:20,088
Because I'm incapable
of leaving you alone.
460
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:22,050
I'm a certified stalker.
461
00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:23,320
I have four restraining orders,
462
00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:25,362
and I'm currently
working on a fifth.
463
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:26,965
Listen to me.
464
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,771
I don't do the romance thing.
465
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:33,602
Anal, yes.
Fisting, sure.
466
00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:37,401
Two in the pink,
one in the stink, yeah.
467
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:40,450
I do that.
But I don't do romance.
468
00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:44,084
You know, I'd like
to bite that lip.
469
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:45,810
I wish you would.
470
00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:49,360
(GROANS)
471
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:50,441
Ow!
472
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:51,681
Ow! Mmm...
473
00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:52,886
Oh, my God!
474
00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:54,371
(CONTINUES GROANING)
475
00:22:58,200 --> 00:22:59,281
(GASPS)
476
00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:01,724
(SIGHING)
(SOBS)
477
00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:07,530
Come on, let's get
you outta here.
478
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,961
God, that made me wet. Oh!
479
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,441
Oh, love it.
480
00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:23,003
Fuck the bullshit.
481
00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:25,605
(BOTH MOANING)
482
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:27,011
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
483
00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:29,283
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
484
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:35,323
(MAN CLEARS THROAT)
How you doin'?
485
00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:42,761
(BOTH MOANING)
486
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:44,365
CHRISTIAN: Open your eyes.
Lizard kisses, come on.
487
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:45,680
(EXCLAIMING)
488
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:49,725
(MOANING CONTINUES)
489
00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:53,000
Vampire bite!
490
00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:54,127
(SCREAMING)
491
00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:58,806
I love it! More!
492
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:00,120
(SCREAMING) Yes! Yes!
493
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:02,605
CHRISTIAN: Oh, my God!
494
00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:07,290
(MOANING CONTINUES)
495
00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:08,726
(CHOKING)
496
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:10,604
You shut up and watch.
497
00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:12,205
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
498
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:13,891
Get outta here!
499
00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:16,485
(BOTH GRUNTING)
500
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:18,011
Excuse me.
501
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:25,049
I have to warn you,
elevators make me horny.
502
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:31,010
Ooh, Daddy, I want you to
write a song about me.
503
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:32,924
I wanna be your muse.
504
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:34,604
Oh, this is a great time.
505
00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:37,206
I'm inspired to write a song
506
00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:38,611
about you right now.
507
00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:40,523
Ooh, that feels so good.
508
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:45,251
(SINGING) 'Cause I love
havin' sex unprotected
509
00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:46,361
Ooh.
510
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:50,889
And I love when my
dick's in you naked
511
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:52,371
Deeper, Daddy,
deeper! Yeah!
512
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:55,848
Goin' raw in you, you, you“...
513
00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:57,285
Yes! Yes!
514
00:24:57,360 --> 00:25:00,728
Goin' raw in you, you, you, you
515
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:04,202
Ooh, I think you going platinum
in about two minutes! Oh!
516
00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:07,284
You're infected, yeah
517
00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,365
Need antiseptic, yeah
518
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:12,130
'Cause, girl, you burned it
519
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:14,441
Ooh, that like an E
minor or something?
520
00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:16,443
Oh, you burned it!
521
00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:18,525
Oh, you burned
522
00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:20,364
Ah... You...
523
00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:21,885
(SCREAMING)
524
00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:25,361
Ooh, shit.
525
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,169
(GRUNTS)
Motherfucker!
526
00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:33,450
You done?
I gotta get to church.
527
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:34,961
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
528
00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:36,201
Hey!
Oh.
529
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:37,480
CHRISTIAN:
You two are fucking.
530
00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,323
Ooh.
(PANTING) Hey, bro.
531
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:43,686
(GLASS SHATTERS)
532
00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:45,969
(CHUCKLES) How you doin'?
My brother.
533
00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:47,480
My brother, peace and blessings.
534
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:49,642
Hannah, this is my
little brother, Eli.
535
00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:51,365
Little?
ELI: Yes.
536
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:53,761
I'm Eli, like the
movie about the book,
537
00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:55,126
because I'm deep.
538
00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:56,241
CHRISTIAN: He is deep.
539
00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:57,321
Balls deep.
540
00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:58,686
Yeah.
541
00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:00,364
Kateesha told me
a lot about you.
542
00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:02,568
Yeah, you're like...
You're, like, a lot
543
00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:04,483
plainer than
I thought you would be.
544
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:06,403
Well, she plain but pretty.
545
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:09,729
You're like a brick wall, just
boring and rigid... CHRISTIAN: Okay.
546
00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:12,201
And 'gust ashy 'm some phases.
547
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:14,280
Okay, okay, okay, okay,
enough with the small talk.
548
00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:17,041
We have a long
drive ahead of us.
549
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,322
We do. Great pleasure.
It's been a pleasure.
550
00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:21,730
The moon shall rise again.
551
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,326
Ooh, that so romantic, boo.
What that mean?
552
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:29,041
Deuces, bitch. Okay, I got you!
I see you later!
553
00:26:29,120 --> 00:26:31,043
Nice meeting you.
Bye.
554
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:36,361
All right, so listen.
Meet me at the office later.
555
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:38,130
I have something
special planned for you.
556
00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:40,524
Okay? Deuces, bitch.
Mmm-hmm.
557
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:42,443
Who you calling a bitch?
Oh, shit!
558
00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:43,727
KATEESHA: Damn, girl.
559
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:45,768
I was just saying.
He said it to her,
560
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:46,921
and I thought it was cute.
561
00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:48,041
Mmm.
562
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,160
CHRISTIAN: Damn, bitch...
I mean, girl.
563
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,325
Are you ready for
the ride of your life?
564
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:04,607
Oh, my God! Are we gonna
go in your helicopter?
565
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:13,687
I can't believe you thought I was
gonna take you on the chopper.
566
00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:16,209
We haven't even fucked yet.
567
00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:18,641
(LAUGHS)
568
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:21,960
After you.
569
00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:23,849
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
570
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:29,163
Holy shit!
You live here?
571
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:33,049
What, a black man can't have
a nice place like this?
572
00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:37,125
No, a black man cannot have a
beautiful place like this.
573
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:39,089
You know, Wesley Snipes
had a place like this,
574
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:40,764
before he stopped
doing his own taxes.
575
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:41,841
(CHUCKLES)
576
00:27:42,360 --> 00:27:43,486
How about some wine?
577
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:44,686
Yes, please.
578
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:45,761
Okay.
579
00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:51,366
Do you know why I brought
you here, Hannah?
580
00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:53,687
I'm assuming to make sweet love.
581
00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:56,366
I don't make love.
I fuck.
582
00:27:56,520 --> 00:27:58,488
Hard and quick.
583
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:00,161
Really quick.
584
00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:03,563
It's like a Ronda Rousey fight.
You blink and it's over.
585
00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:05,889
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
586
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,321
But first you're
gonna have to sign
587
00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:09,686
a nondisclosure agreement.
588
00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:11,121
What's that?
589
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:14,010
It's basically lawyer talk
for "shut the fuck up."
590
00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:16,129
Come with me.
I'll explain.
591
00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:17,401
A nondisclosure agreement
592
00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:20,490
protects both you and me,
but mostly me.
593
00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:25,441
(SIGHS)
594
00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:29,209
Behind this door is my playroom.
595
00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:31,408
You mean, like, for your
PlayStation and stuff?
596
00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:36,728
Ooh. That's a nice key.
597
00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:40,606
So tight.
598
00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:50,082
Keyhole don't wanna open!
You ready to get opened?
599
00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:57,571
(GRUNTS)
600
00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:01,487
Reload, man! Reload!
I told you to reload!
601
00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:03,571
I'm an Xbox man myself.
602
00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:04,766
Oh, you next, Black!
603
00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:05,960
You don't want none of this.
604
00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:07,525
Yo, when you done with
Wendy Williams over there,
605
00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:09,642
jump on this game so I can
shoot you in the face!
606
00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:12,366
I'm gonna be honest with you, Christian.
She's not attractive.
607
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:14,090
Like, the bitch look
like she got lupus.
608
00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:15,241
Well, you look like a thumb
609
00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:16,924
that's been yanked out
of somebody's asshole.
610
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:19,924
On! (LAUGHS)
611
00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:23,761
Slam dunk!
612
00:29:23,840 --> 00:29:24,880
That's crazy.
That's crazy.
613
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:26,524
Yeah, well,
how about... Ha!
614
00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:29,250
I got nothing. 'Cause
I'm better than you.
615
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:30,925
Okay, well, I got something
616
00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:32,286
I really wanna show you.
617
00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:34,528
Oh, my God. It's not more
broke niggas, is it?
618
00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:36,011
No more broke niggas.
No offense.
619
00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:38,811
And don't worry about those
ingrown hairs on your penis.
620
00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:40,126
We can't see them through your pants.
(SNORTS)
621
00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:41,804
Don't give her
all the dick, bro.
622
00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:43,564
She don't deserve it.
Half the dick.
623
00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:45,847
Over there fucking
Charles Barkley.
624
00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:06,370
(SIGHS)
625
00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:18,325
Fuck this shit!
I'm out!
626
00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:22,121
Please, Ms. Steale.
Just keep an open mind.
627
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:35,525
(DOOR LATCHES)
628
00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:38,089
(CART RATTLES)
629
00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:44,522
Tantalizing.
630
00:30:51,800 --> 00:30:53,564
Got these from my grandma.
631
00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:55,768
(MIMICS WHIPPING)
632
00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:04,683
You're a sick motherfucker.
633
00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:07,531
No, Bill Cosby's
a sick motherfucker.
634
00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:08,726
I'm just a dominant.
635
00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:10,404
What does that
have to do with me?
636
00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:14,401
I want you to give
yourself to me sexually.
637
00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:18,282
Hence all the whips, chains
and freaky sex toys.
638
00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:20,849
And what would I get out of it?
639
00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:22,761
Me.
640
00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:24,569
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
641
00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:27,330
Oh, my God!
642
00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:30,331
Ooh. Let me get this straight.
Mmm-hmm.
643
00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:33,490
So, you wanna beat me
with these paddles...
644
00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:35,528
Whip.
Whips.
645
00:31:35,640 --> 00:31:37,165
You wanna chain
me to this rack...
646
00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:39,049
Eh... Handcuff.
647
00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:41,367
And humiliate me in
unimaginable ways,
648
00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:43,886
and in exchange
for all this torture,
649
00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:45,570
I get you?
650
00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:47,206
Yeah, that's correct.
651
00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:48,845
And women go for this?
652
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:50,651
Some women.
653
00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:56,210
Wow. It's like Disneyland
for grown-ups. Yeah.
654
00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:58,046
So, what do you think?
655
00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:00,561
I'm pretty much
cool with anything,
656
00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:04,002
as long as you promise you won't
tell my dad I fucked a black guy.
657
00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:09,162
So, what do you think?
658
00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:12,048
Two things.
Where's the cup,
659
00:32:12,120 --> 00:32:13,849
and when do we eat shit?
660
00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:19,842
What we supposed to do in here?
661
00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:22,765
Well, I thought we'd start with
a little bit of rope play.
662
00:32:23,360 --> 00:32:24,521
No!
663
00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:26,486
Okay, well, how about
I just mount you
664
00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:28,403
to that rack over
there and spank you?
665
00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:30,124
Hell to the no!
666
00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:33,201
Perhaps a little
bit of flogging?
667
00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:36,011
I don't even know what
the hell flogging means,
668
00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:38,128
so fuck to the no!
669
00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:40,760
(SIGHS) Okay, well, what are
we supposed to do then?
670
00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:43,485
You need to find Jesus!
That's what you can do.
671
00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:48,121
Okay, here's how it goes.
672
00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:50,726
I've drafted a standard contract
that lays out the terms.
673
00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:53,481
Lots of sex, we have more sex.
674
00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:55,562
Yadda-yadda,
we end with sex.
675
00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:59,010
You look it over, and you negotiate
what you're willing to do.
676
00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:02,404
I hate to throw a monkey wrench
677
00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:04,164
into the whole works here,
678
00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:06,481
but I...
679
00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:07,641
You have
low self-esteem?
680
00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:09,484
No. I...
681
00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:11,449
You have daddy issues.
682
00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:14,166
No.
683
00:33:15,280 --> 00:33:17,328
What I'm trying to
tell you is, I'm a...
684
00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:18,447
(GASPS)
685
00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:21,250
A virgin?
Yeah.
686
00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:25,444
Man! I can't believe this!
687
00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:27,486
I don't understand!
688
00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:30,410
Okay, tell me
you've done something.
689
00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:31,606
Blowjob?
690
00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:34,280
Where does the blowing come in?
Finger pop?
691
00:33:34,360 --> 00:33:36,522
No.
Angry panda?
692
00:33:36,600 --> 00:33:39,126
Why is it angry?
Why did you ask that?
693
00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:42,843
Oh, my God! Okay,
tell me you've done anal.
694
00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:44,160
I know how it goes.
695
00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:46,647
You let guys put it in your
little rusty bullet hole
696
00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:48,205
so you can tell your
mama and your pastor
697
00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:49,520
that you're still a virgin.
698
00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:51,250
I've just been waiting.
699
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:52,651
For what?
700
00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:55,007
Girl, you are
20-something years old!
701
00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:57,805
It don't get no better.
It's going to spoil!
702
00:33:58,120 --> 00:34:02,569
It's fermenting down there.
Just fermenting. Okay?
703
00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:04,642
You gonna tell me
nobody wanted the pussy?
704
00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:08,886
Well, I just am very selective
about who I've wanted to...
705
00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:10,041
Oh, selective?
706
00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:11,600
Oh, that sound like
something somebody
707
00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:13,449
with a pussy that
nobody wanted would say.
708
00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:15,409
Hey.
Don't get me wrong.
709
00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:18,290
I don't want it all worn out
like an old washing machine belt
710
00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:21,648
or hanging like
wet straps in a car wash
711
00:34:21,720 --> 00:34:25,645
or flapping around like an inflatable
figure outside of a mattress store.
712
00:34:25,720 --> 00:34:28,007
But I want it to
have some experience.
713
00:34:30,080 --> 00:34:31,366
Okay, look.
714
00:34:32,520 --> 00:34:35,364
We're gonna fix this
situation. Right now.
715
00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:38,842
I've been waiting my
whole life for this.
716
00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:41,240
Come on.
717
00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:42,481
Yes!
718
00:34:56,280 --> 00:34:58,408
Oh... Very...
719
00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:00,490
Very Sasquatch of you.
720
00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:02,688
Have you never had sex
with a virgin before?
721
00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:04,125
Not a hairy one.
722
00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:06,091
(WHISTLING)
723
00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:10,207
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
724
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:13,650
Ow! You nicked me!
725
00:35:13,720 --> 00:35:14,721
Shh...
726
00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:22,044
What the hell?
727
00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:24,882
Oh, yeah, I have an outie.
728
00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:29,165
(SNIFFS) Oh, WOW!
729
00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:31,086
Whoa!
730
00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:32,691
That got flavor!
731
00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:36,609
What? You're the first
person who's seen it.
732
00:35:36,720 --> 00:35:38,404
Little Eskimo kisses?
(EXCLAIMING)
733
00:35:38,720 --> 00:35:39,926
(GIGGLES)
734
00:35:40,240 --> 00:35:42,891
Ooh, I never had anyone
do that to it before.
735
00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:47,247
Ooh! Watch the teeth!
Sorry.
736
00:36:01,240 --> 00:36:02,844
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
737
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:04,331
Got him.
738
00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:06,411
Okay.
739
00:36:07,920 --> 00:36:09,081
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
740
00:36:17,080 --> 00:36:18,491
(SNIFFING)
741
00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:20,682
(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)
(GROANS)
742
00:36:20,760 --> 00:36:22,444
Sorry. I didn't have
time to shower.
743
00:36:22,520 --> 00:36:23,601
Shit!
744
00:36:39,480 --> 00:36:40,481
(MOUTHING) Thank you.
745
00:36:40,600 --> 00:36:42,090
(LATEX STRETCHING)
(LATEX SNAPS)
746
00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:43,491
Ooh!
747
00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:46,963
Okay. You ready?
748
00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:49,806
I'm gonna take you
to a whole 'nother galaxy!
749
00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:51,530
Oh, my God, I'm coming!
750
00:36:51,680 --> 00:36:53,125
(YELLING)
751
00:36:54,040 --> 00:36:56,520
Oh, God! (SCREAMING)
752
00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:02,848
God! God! God! God!
753
00:37:03,720 --> 00:37:05,324
Whoo!
Already?
754
00:37:05,440 --> 00:37:06,885
(GROANS)
755
00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:09,131
Oh, that was amazing.
756
00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:12,246
Really? I guess I was
expecting something
757
00:37:12,800 --> 00:37:14,086
(SIGHS) different.
758
00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:16,640
Don't worry about it. It's your first time.
Don't sweat it.
759
00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:20,130
You'll get better with experience.
Just keep working on it.
760
00:37:21,440 --> 00:37:24,046
Oh, you know, it's
customary for a woman
761
00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:25,810
to make a man
an oversized sandwich
762
00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:27,166
to help him regain his strength.
763
00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:30,882
Either that or some leftover
pizza, or maybe a Hot Pocket.
764
00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:33,002
You want me to make you
a Hot Pocket now?
765
00:37:33,280 --> 00:37:35,203
I don't make the rules,
I'm just telling you.
766
00:37:36,080 --> 00:37:37,809
(SIGHS) You got
a lot to learn, kid.
767
00:37:38,720 --> 00:37:39,767
Mmm...
768
00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:43,408
(SNORING)
769
00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:45,090
Are you asleep already?
770
00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:47,365
Nigga!
771
00:37:47,440 --> 00:37:48,566
Ugh!
772
00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:58,171
(MOANS SLOWLY)
773
00:38:05,960 --> 00:38:07,450
(SIGHS)
774
00:38:14,640 --> 00:38:16,051
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
775
00:38:16,120 --> 00:38:17,565
CLAIRE: Christian?
776
00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:21,050
Christian!
Oh, shit!
777
00:38:21,120 --> 00:38:22,246
Who the fuck is that?
778
00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:24,289
My mother.
779
00:38:24,440 --> 00:38:26,602
On! (CHUCKLES)
780
00:38:27,560 --> 00:38:28,686
Great.
781
00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:31,889
Now I gotta get rid of
two crazy bitches. Fuck.
782
00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:34,885
Mother!
783
00:38:35,040 --> 00:38:37,088
Ah, Christian.
Hello.
784
00:38:37,240 --> 00:38:40,084
Oh, you better get dressed, or we're
gonna be late for the regatta.
785
00:38:40,160 --> 00:38:41,969
I forgot that was today.
786
00:38:42,080 --> 00:38:43,570
(SIGHS) You're not doing
crack again, are you?
787
00:38:43,600 --> 00:38:45,329
No, Mother. I never
raised you that way.
788
00:38:45,400 --> 00:38:48,324
However, it is a prominent trait
in your genealogical pool.
789
00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:49,526
Hello.
790
00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:51,762
I'm standing my ground!
I'm standing my ground!
791
00:38:51,840 --> 00:38:52,841
(GIBBERISH)
792
00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:55,251
(THUDDING)
Oh, shit!
793
00:38:55,320 --> 00:38:58,164
Mother, what're you doing?
That's Hannah Steale!
794
00:38:58,240 --> 00:38:59,446
(SIGHS)
(HANNAH GROANING)
795
00:38:59,600 --> 00:39:01,250
How many times I gotta tell you?
Black lives matter.
796
00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:02,810
Come on, let's get you up.
797
00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:07,522
Hannah, this is my mother, Claire.
Oh.
798
00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:11,400
I am so sorry, Hannah.
(WHISTLES)
799
00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:14,485
Oh, my, you have
beautiful breasts.
800
00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:16,489
I would've thought
they'd be more droopy,
801
00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:18,443
like a sock with
a rock in the toe,
802
00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:20,807
like in those National
Geographic magazines.
803
00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:22,246
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
804
00:39:22,320 --> 00:39:24,084
You're gonna have to forgive
my mother's behavior.
805
00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:28,210
Sometimes she can be factually
inaccurate and quite racist.
806
00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:30,169
Do not apologize
for me, Christian.
807
00:39:30,240 --> 00:39:31,730
I am your mother, and I love you
808
00:39:31,800 --> 00:39:33,529
like you were my
own white child.
809
00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:35,642
But I still hide my wallet
at night, just in case.
810
00:39:35,720 --> 00:39:37,210
As you should, Mother.
811
00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:39,328
It is awesome to meet you.
812
00:39:40,480 --> 00:39:43,768
Are you two dating? Oh, no,
Mother, we're not dating.
813
00:39:43,840 --> 00:39:45,524
We're just fucking. Hard.
814
00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:47,927
And quick. Apparently,
it's the best way.
815
00:39:48,480 --> 00:39:51,563
Well, I just can't tell you how
pleased lam to meet you, Hannah.
816
00:39:51,640 --> 00:39:55,247
I mean, you're the first woman
I've seen Christian with.
817
00:39:55,320 --> 00:39:56,810
I assumed that he was...
818
00:39:57,360 --> 00:40:00,204
What would Oprah say?
"On the DL?"
819
00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:01,641
(CLEARS THROAT)
820
00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:03,321
Christian, you can
do so much better.
821
00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:04,447
Oh, Mother.
822
00:40:04,520 --> 00:40:06,170
You're one of the richest, most
handsome men in the world.
823
00:40:06,240 --> 00:40:07,480
You could date white women.
824
00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:09,085
Like Tiger Woods and Seal.
825
00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:10,969
Okay, it's time for
you to go, Mother.
826
00:40:11,040 --> 00:40:15,170
Or like Taye Diggs or Quincy Jones.
Or even Ice-T.
827
00:40:15,480 --> 00:40:19,451
Hannah, Christian's Chinese
sister, Mai, has come to town,
828
00:40:19,560 --> 00:40:20,971
so we're gonna hide the cats
829
00:40:21,040 --> 00:40:22,326
and have the family
over for dinner.
830
00:40:22,440 --> 00:40:24,442
You should come.
I'd be delighted.
831
00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:25,806
It was really nice to meet you.
832
00:40:25,880 --> 00:40:27,689
Okay, great.
Time to go, Mom.
833
00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:30,247
Oh...
834
00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:32,562
Now, where is my wallet?
835
00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:34,369
Still there.
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
836
00:40:34,440 --> 00:40:36,169
You just never know.
Yeah.
837
00:40:37,720 --> 00:40:38,767
CHRISTIAN: Mmm...
838
00:40:38,840 --> 00:40:40,683
They're delicious. Mmm.
839
00:40:41,200 --> 00:40:42,247
All right.
840
00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:45,809
We had breakfast.
Time to go.
841
00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:48,366
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) Ooh, look,
your Uber's here. All right.
842
00:40:51,200 --> 00:40:52,531
(GROANS)
843
00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:54,204
Okay, what?
844
00:40:55,520 --> 00:40:56,567
Spit it out.
845
00:40:57,040 --> 00:40:59,088
Well, how did you
get into this whole
846
00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:01,362
dominant-submissive thing?
(SIGHS)
847
00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:04,687
It was one of my mother's
really close friends,
848
00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:06,444
and my music teacher.
849
00:41:07,200 --> 00:41:08,804
I was 16.
850
00:41:10,320 --> 00:41:11,560
She was older.
851
00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:24,006
MRS. ROBINSON: Don't look
so nervous, Christian.
852
00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:28,847
All I ask is that
you do your very best.
853
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:31,931
I thought I was supposed to
be here for music lessons.
854
00:41:32,920 --> 00:41:34,570
Baby, you are.
855
00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:39,089
And your lesson
starts right here.
856
00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:44,642
Hey, hey. Ooh. Snap.
857
00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:46,729
We got a regular
John Holmes here,
858
00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:49,483
without the big
dick and the stamina!
859
00:41:49,680 --> 00:41:52,923
Okay! Again!
One, two, three!
860
00:41:53,080 --> 00:41:54,650
(GRUNTS
(sees) Ow! '
861
00:41:54,720 --> 00:41:55,846
Do you know why
I hit you in the head
862
00:41:55,920 --> 00:41:57,206
with that tambourine, Black?
863
00:41:57,280 --> 00:41:58,486
I have no idea.
864
00:41:58,560 --> 00:42:00,280
Well, were you rushing
or were you dragging?
865
00:42:00,360 --> 00:42:01,805
I... I thought
I was fucking.
866
00:42:01,880 --> 00:42:04,121
Oh! That wasn't fucking!
867
00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:06,604
Now, count off.
868
00:42:07,440 --> 00:42:08,965
One, two...
869
00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:11,169
Was I rushing or was I dragging?
870
00:42:11,280 --> 00:42:13,567
Answer the question!
(SOBBING) You were rushing!
871
00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:17,203
Is that a tear?
Oh! Poor little guy.
872
00:42:17,280 --> 00:42:19,567
Are you upset?
I'm upset.
873
00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:24,208
You worthless, adopted,
unloved little piece of shit!
874
00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:29,408
Weeping and slobbering over my
vagina like a 9-year-old girl!
875
00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:31,767
Now, for the last
father-fucking time,
876
00:42:32,080 --> 00:42:34,924
say it louder so I can hear it!
I'm upset!
877
00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:37,765
Oh, Black, get off the bed!
You make me sick.
878
00:42:37,840 --> 00:42:39,888
But I'm upset.
Get off the bed!
879
00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:43,163
You're not ready for this!
I'm ready!
880
00:42:43,240 --> 00:42:44,401
MRS. ROBINSON: Ugh!
881
00:42:44,560 --> 00:42:46,608
Willy? Willy,
you're up next.
882
00:42:47,360 --> 00:42:48,407
Willy?
883
00:42:48,480 --> 00:42:50,528
You better get your
shit together, Black!
884
00:42:50,600 --> 00:42:53,331
You're not gonna amount to
anything, sexually or musically.
885
00:42:53,400 --> 00:42:54,890
And you know what the biggest
886
00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:56,803
disappointment of all is to me?
887
00:42:57,000 --> 00:43:00,846
I thought all you black men
had rhythm and a big dick!
888
00:43:01,320 --> 00:43:03,209
Boy, was I mistaken!
889
00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:04,327
(SOBBING)
890
00:43:04,400 --> 00:43:06,129
I have rhythm!
891
00:43:08,920 --> 00:43:11,651
You're all set, Ms. Steale.
Courtesy of Mr. Black.
892
00:43:14,920 --> 00:43:16,046
What the heck?
893
00:43:16,160 --> 00:43:17,525
(CAMERAS WHIRRING)
894
00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:22,446
HANNAH: What is that?
Is that a drone?
895
00:43:23,320 --> 00:43:25,004
All right, just sign here.
896
00:43:28,320 --> 00:43:30,322
Thank you very much.
897
00:43:33,840 --> 00:43:34,966
(DOOR CLOSES)
898
00:43:36,040 --> 00:43:38,441
Ooh, girl, another gift?
899
00:43:38,760 --> 00:43:41,127
Damn, you must be
giving that bomb head!
900
00:43:41,840 --> 00:43:45,322
Wait a minute, is that a
Retina display MacBook Pro?
901
00:43:45,400 --> 00:43:47,289
Bitch, you lickin'
that butthole!
902
00:43:47,360 --> 00:43:48,805
I didn't lick a butthole!
903
00:43:48,880 --> 00:43:50,291
Shit, you lucky, girl.
904
00:43:50,360 --> 00:43:54,126
Like, I licked six buttholes last week!
I got a Dell!
905
00:43:54,760 --> 00:43:56,046
Desktop!
906
00:43:56,120 --> 00:43:58,043
I can't take that
shit anywhere, girl.
907
00:43:58,320 --> 00:43:59,481
Hey, the mail come already?
908
00:43:59,560 --> 00:44:00,721
HANNAH: No.
909
00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:04,964
It's just a weird sex contract
Christian wants me to sign.
910
00:44:05,040 --> 00:44:09,125
You sign that, but then you get
that paper, boo, all right?
911
00:44:09,200 --> 00:44:13,205
A bitch gotta get hers. You
keep licking that bootie, okay?
912
00:44:34,440 --> 00:44:35,771
(HONKING)
913
00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:50,402
(SCREAMS)
We're done?
914
00:44:50,720 --> 00:44:52,722
Wha...
Yeah, I read your text.
915
00:44:52,800 --> 00:44:55,201
Wow face, sparkly diamond, poop?
916
00:44:55,280 --> 00:44:56,361
Like, what does that even mean?
917
00:44:56,440 --> 00:44:58,204
You got me all fucked up
with your emojis, like...
918
00:44:58,280 --> 00:44:59,520
Hey, how did you get in here?
919
00:44:59,600 --> 00:45:01,045
Does it matter?
920
00:45:01,120 --> 00:45:02,240
Yes, actually it does matter,
921
00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:04,044
because you don't live here
and you don't have a key.
922
00:45:04,120 --> 00:45:08,489
(SCOFFS) You don't need a key
to get in a hamper, Hannah.
923
00:45:08,640 --> 00:45:10,449
Here, now, help me outta here.
924
00:45:11,200 --> 00:45:14,090
You're lucky I wasn't in
your medicine cabinet,
925
00:45:14,200 --> 00:45:15,850
or your jewelry box.
926
00:45:15,920 --> 00:45:17,081
I tried to hide
in your nightstand,
927
00:45:17,160 --> 00:45:19,162
but you had this Gideon Bible
in there and I couldn't fit.
928
00:45:19,240 --> 00:45:20,446
(PANTING)
929
00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:23,007
Wait a minute, did you break
in through that window?
930
00:45:23,080 --> 00:45:24,080
This one?
931
00:45:24,120 --> 00:45:25,849
Oh, no, that could've
been anybody.
932
00:45:26,320 --> 00:45:29,608
The brick on the ground says
"Property of Christian Black."
933
00:45:29,680 --> 00:45:31,205
"Christian..."
934
00:45:31,280 --> 00:45:33,647
(STAMMERS)
Yeah, yeah, it does.
935
00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:36,964
But, I mean, that could belong
to any black Christian, right?
936
00:45:37,040 --> 00:45:38,280
I mean, okay, shh...
937
00:45:39,240 --> 00:45:42,130
Enough with the interrogation.
938
00:45:43,440 --> 00:45:44,726
Come here.
939
00:45:44,880 --> 00:45:46,609
(GROANS)
940
00:45:49,160 --> 00:45:50,366
(SHUSHING)
941
00:45:55,840 --> 00:45:57,649
(PANPIPES PLAYING)
942
00:46:17,640 --> 00:46:20,371
Do not move,
943
00:46:21,160 --> 00:46:23,891
or I'll be forced to punish you.
944
00:46:32,480 --> 00:46:33,606
(SPITTING)
945
00:46:36,600 --> 00:46:38,090
(GIGGLING SLOWLY)
946
00:46:39,720 --> 00:46:41,051
I said don't move!
947
00:46:41,120 --> 00:46:42,121
Okay.
948
00:46:42,720 --> 00:46:43,721
Ooh!
949
00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:47,327
That feels weird. What is that?
It's so hairy.
950
00:46:50,240 --> 00:46:51,241
(GASPS)
951
00:46:56,760 --> 00:46:58,922
Yeah! Yes!
952
00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:01,526
Wait, wait, wait, don't move.
Don't, don't...
953
00:47:10,520 --> 00:47:11,521
(GRUNT)
(GROANS)
954
00:47:13,360 --> 00:47:15,089
Damn it, that shit was cold!
955
00:47:19,560 --> 00:47:20,607
Are you ready,
Ms. Steale?
956
00:47:20,680 --> 00:47:21,761
Yes, Christian.
957
00:47:30,280 --> 00:47:31,327
Ooh!
958
00:47:31,400 --> 00:47:32,845
You brought a condom, right?
959
00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:36,285
A condom?
Yeah.
960
00:47:36,360 --> 00:47:38,124
Oh... Okay.
Yeah, of course!
961
00:47:38,200 --> 00:47:40,362
Of course I got a condom.
Hold on one second.
962
00:47:40,600 --> 00:47:41,840
God damn it!
963
00:47:42,240 --> 00:47:45,687
Just knowing you care enough
to use protection excites me.
964
00:47:45,800 --> 00:47:47,404
Aha! Old trusty dusty!
965
00:47:48,600 --> 00:47:50,250
(CHUCKLES)
966
00:47:51,040 --> 00:47:52,963
"March, 1982?"
Aw, hell no.
967
00:47:53,760 --> 00:47:55,808
Yeah, I got one
right here! Found it!
968
00:47:56,840 --> 00:47:59,411
Here, let me open it
up so you can hear it.
969
00:47:59,720 --> 00:48:01,131
(MIMICS PLASTIC
WRAPPER TEARING)
970
00:48:01,200 --> 00:48:02,440
(SMACKS LIPS RAPIDLY)
971
00:48:02,520 --> 00:48:03,965
(MIMICS LATEX SNAPPING)
972
00:48:05,920 --> 00:48:07,490
Okay.
973
00:48:07,560 --> 00:48:11,121
I'm just gonna scoot these
little bad boys to the side.
974
00:48:11,480 --> 00:48:14,245
Oh! And then I'm gonna park this
right there. (HANNAH GROANS)
975
00:48:14,720 --> 00:48:16,882
Oh, my God, it feels so natural.
976
00:48:16,960 --> 00:48:19,201
It's like you're not
wearing anything at all!
977
00:48:19,280 --> 00:48:21,089
It's lambskin foreskin.
978
00:48:21,160 --> 00:48:23,686
(BOTH MOANING)
979
00:48:23,760 --> 00:48:25,364
Oh! Just relax.
What?
980
00:48:25,440 --> 00:48:26,960
No, not you. Now I'm
talking to myself.
981
00:48:27,000 --> 00:48:29,002
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
982
00:48:29,840 --> 00:48:31,763
Okay? Oh... Ready?
983
00:48:32,480 --> 00:48:34,244
(BOTH GRUNTING)
984
00:48:35,320 --> 00:48:37,049
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
(HANNAH SCREAMS)
985
00:48:38,840 --> 00:48:40,683
That was like two strokes!
986
00:48:42,240 --> 00:48:44,447
This nigga's back
here settin' records!
987
00:48:44,520 --> 00:48:46,682
They gonna put me
on a Wheaties box! Oh!
988
00:48:46,760 --> 00:48:48,364
Thank God you're
wearing a condom.
989
00:48:48,640 --> 00:48:51,007
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
I know, 'cause, boy,
990
00:48:51,080 --> 00:48:52,969
we wouldn't want to
get you pregnant, right?
991
00:48:53,040 --> 00:48:56,408
I know. I'm not even taking any
birth control and I'm ovulating.
992
00:48:56,480 --> 00:48:58,323
Did I tell you that
twins run in my family?
993
00:48:58,400 --> 00:48:59,526
(MOUTHING) Twins?
994
00:48:59,600 --> 00:49:01,090
My sister had sextuplets.
995
00:49:01,160 --> 00:49:02,161
Sextu...
996
00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:07,081
Oh, really? Let me just
get an after-sex mint.
997
00:49:07,960 --> 00:49:09,405
Here, Hannah, here.
998
00:49:09,480 --> 00:49:11,323
Have one of these.
Here you go.
999
00:49:11,400 --> 00:49:12,606
Yeah.
1000
00:49:12,720 --> 00:49:14,688
Ugh! It tastes weird.
All done?
1001
00:49:14,760 --> 00:49:15,886
BOTH: Ah!
1002
00:49:16,560 --> 00:49:18,722
Good girl. Phew!
1003
00:49:45,080 --> 00:49:46,366
(CHUCKLES)
1004
00:49:58,200 --> 00:49:59,611
Shall we begin,
Ms. Steale?
1005
00:49:59,920 --> 00:50:02,241
Page one, paragraph one.
1006
00:50:02,840 --> 00:50:04,251
This must change!
1007
00:50:05,360 --> 00:50:06,725
There's a typo in the header.
1008
00:50:08,920 --> 00:50:09,967
That's it?
1009
00:50:10,040 --> 00:50:12,964
Mr. Black, I will end this
negotiation right now!
1010
00:50:13,760 --> 00:50:15,649
My apologies.
(CLEARS THROAT)
1011
00:50:16,400 --> 00:50:18,243
Page four,
section 13-20.
1012
00:50:18,520 --> 00:50:20,841
With regards to anal fisfing“.
1013
00:50:21,200 --> 00:50:23,680
Is there a problem?
Absolutely not.
1014
00:50:23,760 --> 00:50:24,841
(GASPS)
1015
00:50:24,920 --> 00:50:26,445
And strike out vaginal fisting.
1016
00:50:26,520 --> 00:50:27,760
I mean, if you're gonna do anal,
1017
00:50:27,800 --> 00:50:30,690
you're obviously gonna have vaginal
fisting. I mean, it's a given.
1018
00:50:30,760 --> 00:50:32,285
Oh, for sure.
I will put that...
1019
00:50:32,360 --> 00:50:34,442
I'm putting that
in there in bold.
1020
00:50:34,520 --> 00:50:38,889
Next page, sex toys. "Are they
acceptable to the submissive?"
1021
00:50:39,440 --> 00:50:42,967
Dildos, I guess.
Butt plugs, fine.
1022
00:50:43,160 --> 00:50:44,321
Fuck yeah!
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
1023
00:50:44,400 --> 00:50:45,526
How did this slip
through the cracks?
1024
00:50:45,600 --> 00:50:46,726
What's with the genital clamps?
1025
00:50:46,800 --> 00:50:48,802
Sorry, Ms. Steale, I...
1026
00:50:48,880 --> 00:50:50,769
I can't seem to
find those in my...
1027
00:50:50,840 --> 00:50:52,968
Because you forgot
to put them in there.
1028
00:50:53,920 --> 00:50:55,490
(CHUCKLES) Rookie move,
Mr. Black.
1029
00:50:56,320 --> 00:50:57,606
Silly me.
1030
00:51:03,880 --> 00:51:05,041
(SIGHS)
1031
00:51:05,120 --> 00:51:08,602
Let's be clear. I will not
share you with another woman.
1032
00:51:10,080 --> 00:51:12,321
I require at least two or three.
Five.
1033
00:51:12,400 --> 00:51:14,129
Seven.
Seven it is.
1034
00:51:14,240 --> 00:51:16,481
You're not gonna shortchange me, Mr.
Black.
1035
00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:18,802
You drive a hard
bargain, Ms. Steale.
1036
00:51:19,240 --> 00:51:21,163
Thank you. You know, Ms. Steale,
1037
00:51:21,240 --> 00:51:23,527
I'd like to fuck you into
the middle of next month.
1038
00:51:23,920 --> 00:51:26,082
Silly. You couldn't
fuck me
1039
00:51:26,160 --> 00:51:27,889
into the middle
of the next minute.
1040
00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:29,849
I'll fuck you into
a different galaxy.
1041
00:51:29,920 --> 00:51:32,082
You'll be like, "Oh, shit,
it's cold in Pluto!"
1042
00:51:32,160 --> 00:51:34,686
Yeah, well, I'm gonna fuck you
at the Stephen Hawking exhibit.
1043
00:51:34,760 --> 00:51:36,091
And I'm gonna ram
your ass so hard
1044
00:51:36,160 --> 00:51:38,447
that I cause a tear in
the time-space continuum.
1045
00:51:38,520 --> 00:51:39,920
I'll fuck you
through slavery times,
1046
00:51:39,960 --> 00:51:41,325
and you'll get
your freedom papers.
1047
00:51:41,480 --> 00:51:43,244
Yeah, well, I'm gonna
rent me a DeLorean
1048
00:51:43,320 --> 00:51:44,765
and fuck you back to the future.
1049
00:51:44,840 --> 00:51:46,524
I'll fuck you into
a whole 'nother planet,
1050
00:51:46,640 --> 00:51:48,005
where that insect
is from Men in Black.
1051
00:51:48,080 --> 00:51:50,367
You'll be like, "Oh, shit!
How many times you fuck me?"
1052
00:51:50,440 --> 00:51:52,966
Three million, 746
hundred million times.
1053
00:51:53,040 --> 00:51:54,087
And you'd
be like, "Why?"
1054
00:51:54,160 --> 00:51:56,162
And I'd be like, "Shut up," and I
hit you with the neuron, like...
1055
00:51:56,240 --> 00:51:57,401
(MAKES SHOOTING NOISE)
1056
00:51:58,680 --> 00:52:00,045
You'd be like,
1057
00:52:00,880 --> 00:52:03,645
"Oh, my God, why is
my vagina so sore?"
1058
00:52:03,720 --> 00:52:05,768
And I'd be like,
"You fell."
1059
00:52:06,640 --> 00:52:08,802
Well played, Mr. Black.
1060
00:52:08,880 --> 00:52:10,041
I've done this before.
1061
00:52:12,320 --> 00:52:15,164
And he's a major beneficiary
of our university.
1062
00:52:15,240 --> 00:52:18,130
Interestingly enough,
he donates all cash.
1063
00:52:18,720 --> 00:52:22,008
Usually in ones,
fives, twenties,
1064
00:52:22,080 --> 00:52:25,243
the odd rolled-up $100 bill that's
got a little bit of powder on it.
1065
00:52:25,600 --> 00:52:28,251
Please welcome
Mr. Christian Black.
1066
00:52:29,400 --> 00:52:31,482
(ALL APPLAUDING)
1067
00:52:32,560 --> 00:52:35,291
What you talkin' 'bout my business, huh?
Don't get cut.
1068
00:52:38,240 --> 00:52:41,961
Thank you. Let's talk about
life and your purpose.
1069
00:52:42,560 --> 00:52:47,327
You all spent four hard years in
this school getting your diploma,
1070
00:52:47,400 --> 00:52:50,529
putting your parents in debt,
1071
00:52:50,600 --> 00:52:51,601
for what?
1072
00:52:52,040 --> 00:52:56,250
Between global warming and
the world economy crashing,
1073
00:52:56,360 --> 00:52:59,204
I don't even know why you're
trying to better yourselves.
1074
00:52:59,320 --> 00:53:02,449
Give up hope!
Think about it.
1075
00:53:02,520 --> 00:53:04,443
You are wasting time.
1076
00:53:04,560 --> 00:53:07,291
You. You're a drug addict
waiting to happen.
1077
00:53:07,360 --> 00:53:10,569
Look at you. You can't wait to get
outta here and smoke some weed.
1078
00:53:10,640 --> 00:53:13,291
And you!
You are a stripper!
1079
00:53:13,640 --> 00:53:16,246
Your ass is twerkin'
as I'm sitting here talking.
1080
00:53:16,320 --> 00:53:18,084
You can find
the rhythm in anything.
1081
00:53:18,320 --> 00:53:19,401
And you, sir.
1082
00:53:19,720 --> 00:53:22,644
Well, you're white.
You'll be fine.
1083
00:53:23,320 --> 00:53:25,687
So, in closing,
I would like to say,
1084
00:53:26,240 --> 00:53:29,687
"Thank God I'm not you."
1085
00:53:31,200 --> 00:53:33,965
Kateesha! Oh, my God, we did it!
(SQUEALING) Girl!
1086
00:53:34,040 --> 00:53:35,246
I'm so proud of you.
1087
00:53:35,320 --> 00:53:37,288
Who you telling?
I was close, girl.
1088
00:53:37,400 --> 00:53:41,928
I was one hand job away from losing
valedictorian to that bitch,
1089
00:53:42,000 --> 00:53:43,570
Lindsey Hung, right?
1090
00:53:43,640 --> 00:53:45,404
What are you talking...
Shut up.
1091
00:53:45,920 --> 00:53:47,649
I see that bitch,
she talkin' shit.
1092
00:53:48,200 --> 00:53:49,565
She gonna need a gynecologist
1093
00:53:49,640 --> 00:53:51,927
when I'm done fucking
that bitch up! All right!
1094
00:53:52,120 --> 00:53:53,565
Girl, I'll see you later.
1095
00:53:53,640 --> 00:53:55,210
I'mma go punch
a bitch in the throat.
1096
00:53:55,400 --> 00:53:57,402
Lindsey!
You bilingual bitch!
1097
00:53:57,600 --> 00:53:58,886
(CRASHING)
So proud of you.
1098
00:53:59,720 --> 00:54:00,846
Hannah!
1099
00:54:00,920 --> 00:54:01,921
(SHRIEKS) Dad!
1100
00:54:02,000 --> 00:54:03,161
(LAUGHING)
1101
00:54:03,240 --> 00:54:04,651
I'm so happy to see you.
1102
00:54:04,760 --> 00:54:06,967
Oh! I'm so
proud of you.
1103
00:54:07,200 --> 00:54:09,487
You know, I thought you'd
turn out not to be shit.
1104
00:54:09,640 --> 00:54:11,244
But you ended up
looking real good,
1105
00:54:11,320 --> 00:54:13,084
being that you
from a drunken whore.
1106
00:54:13,160 --> 00:54:16,289
Oh, yeah. Yeah, your
mama's over at the rehab.
1107
00:54:16,360 --> 00:54:18,442
Twenty-seven times
is the fucking charm.
1108
00:54:18,560 --> 00:54:20,483
Isn't it? Yeah, it's
the fucking charm.
1109
00:54:20,560 --> 00:54:21,925
Hey, where are
my other stepdads?
1110
00:54:22,000 --> 00:54:23,604
Right over there.
1111
00:54:24,800 --> 00:54:26,848
Jonny Quest, B.B. King.
1112
00:54:26,920 --> 00:54:28,604
I don't know who that nigga
is with his shirt off.
1113
00:54:28,680 --> 00:54:30,364
That must be your birth daddy.
1114
00:54:30,640 --> 00:54:33,530
Yeah, it's all good. What a
great bunch of guys. (CHUCKLES)
1115
00:54:33,720 --> 00:54:36,405
And you know the old saying,
"It takes a village."
1116
00:54:36,480 --> 00:54:38,608
And it's true.
Especially when it comes
1117
00:54:38,680 --> 00:54:40,205
to your mom being a gutter slut
1118
00:54:40,600 --> 00:54:42,409
and the village is a gangbang.
1119
00:54:42,520 --> 00:54:43,521
(LAUGHING)
1120
00:54:43,640 --> 00:54:45,847
The village is a gangbang.
Hannah!
1121
00:54:46,720 --> 00:54:47,846
Hi!
1122
00:54:48,440 --> 00:54:50,169
Hey, hey, hey, hold up, player!
1123
00:54:50,240 --> 00:54:52,447
Shit, how you gonna walk up and
kiss the girl that I raised?
1124
00:54:52,520 --> 00:54:53,931
What kind of shit is this?
1125
00:54:54,000 --> 00:54:57,209
Ron, this is my boyfriend,
Christian Black.
1126
00:54:57,720 --> 00:54:58,926
Boyfriend!
1127
00:54:59,000 --> 00:55:00,650
Ron, to be honest with you,
1128
00:55:00,720 --> 00:55:01,920
I just fucked her a few times.
1129
00:55:02,280 --> 00:55:05,124
"Boyfriend" makes it sound
serious, like I went raw.
1130
00:55:05,200 --> 00:55:06,645
I mean, I might've
dipped, but...
1131
00:55:06,720 --> 00:55:08,131
Are you thinkin'
about marrying her?
1132
00:55:08,240 --> 00:55:09,321
No.
1133
00:55:09,400 --> 00:55:10,561
What if she get pregnant?
1134
00:55:10,640 --> 00:55:13,007
Still no, but hell no.
1135
00:55:16,080 --> 00:55:17,320
I like this fella!
1136
00:55:17,400 --> 00:55:18,401
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1137
00:55:18,480 --> 00:55:19,970
I like this nigga right here.
1138
00:55:20,040 --> 00:55:21,326
I fucks with your stepdad.
1139
00:55:21,400 --> 00:55:22,731
You know what,
from player to player,
1140
00:55:22,840 --> 00:55:24,285
Black, I really like you, man.
1141
00:55:24,360 --> 00:55:27,204
You can fuck anybody you wanna fuck.
Thank you.
1142
00:55:27,280 --> 00:55:30,682
Yeah, just don't pass her
around like we did her mama.
1143
00:55:30,760 --> 00:55:32,762
That's all I ask you to do.
Yes, sir, out of respect.
1144
00:55:32,840 --> 00:55:34,763
We passed her mama
around like a baton, man.
1145
00:55:34,840 --> 00:55:35,887
Yeah.
1146
00:55:35,960 --> 00:55:37,371
You never told me
that about your mother.
1147
00:55:37,440 --> 00:55:39,681
Your mother fucked everybody
in the neighborhood,
1148
00:55:39,760 --> 00:55:42,161
and then wanted to settle down
with me, and I went for it.
1149
00:55:42,240 --> 00:55:43,730
You know what, I gotta
hang out with you, man,
1150
00:55:43,800 --> 00:55:45,768
get your knowledge, man, 'cause
you got a lot of wisdom.
1151
00:55:45,840 --> 00:55:48,161
I got a lot of wisdom
and I been through a lot,
1152
00:55:48,280 --> 00:55:49,805
and I done been
with a lot of hos
1153
00:55:49,880 --> 00:55:52,929
and the smells
that's on my fingers
1154
00:55:53,120 --> 00:55:54,804
over all the years...
Oh, shit! What!
1155
00:55:54,880 --> 00:55:57,247
Still there. Never went away.
Oh! Damn!
1156
00:55:57,680 --> 00:56:00,604
Wow, sir! I smelled every
last single one of them!
1157
00:56:00,680 --> 00:56:01,761
Yes, man.
1158
00:56:01,840 --> 00:56:04,730
It was like beautiful and
horrible at the same time.
1159
00:56:04,840 --> 00:56:06,888
I've stuck my hands in some of
1160
00:56:06,960 --> 00:56:09,361
the nastiest bitches'
pants all over the world.
1161
00:56:09,440 --> 00:56:10,487
Really?
1162
00:56:10,560 --> 00:56:13,404
Asia, Malaysia, Congo.
Hmm.
1163
00:56:13,880 --> 00:56:15,530
(SNIFFS) That's
Dubai right there.
1164
00:56:15,640 --> 00:56:17,324
Wow, I smell the hair.
1165
00:56:17,560 --> 00:56:19,961
Touched a bitch's booty hole
in Dubai at the airport.
1166
00:56:20,040 --> 00:56:22,202
I bet you could probably spit a
lot of game to me, my nigga.
1167
00:56:22,280 --> 00:56:23,566
Let's take a picture,
let me get a picture
1168
00:56:23,640 --> 00:56:24,880
of me and you.
Make it a selfie.
1169
00:56:24,920 --> 00:56:26,080
No, no, baby.
Just me and him.
1170
00:56:26,120 --> 00:56:28,726
Ready? One, two, three. Nigga!
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
1171
00:56:33,400 --> 00:56:34,731
Where are we going?
1172
00:56:36,960 --> 00:56:38,086
Congratulations, Hannah.
1173
00:56:38,160 --> 00:56:39,810
That's a car.
1174
00:56:40,280 --> 00:56:41,611
With a broken window?
1175
00:56:41,680 --> 00:56:42,920
Do you like it?
1176
00:56:46,120 --> 00:56:49,408
Yeah. It's nice.
1177
00:56:49,480 --> 00:56:51,320
You know what I went
through to steal this car?
1178
00:56:52,320 --> 00:56:55,085
I mean... (CLEARS THROAT)
The car was a steal.
1179
00:56:55,560 --> 00:56:56,607
(SIGHS)
1180
00:56:56,960 --> 00:56:58,883
Did you just roll your eyes at me?
No.
1181
00:56:59,000 --> 00:57:00,684
Listen, there's only
two things I hate,
1182
00:57:00,840 --> 00:57:03,207
when you roll your
eyes at me and Craisins.
1183
00:57:03,600 --> 00:57:07,810
Like, what is a Craisin? It's not
a cranberry, it's not a raisin.
1184
00:57:07,880 --> 00:57:09,530
Like, it doesn't
even make sense.
1185
00:57:09,600 --> 00:57:10,601
(SIGHS)
1186
00:57:10,720 --> 00:57:13,246
Look, you just rolled your eyes
at me again! No, I didn't.
1187
00:57:13,320 --> 00:57:15,288
Yes, you did.
I have it on tape.
1188
00:57:15,360 --> 00:57:16,771
Check this out.
Look at this.
1189
00:57:18,960 --> 00:57:21,850
Oh, what's she doing? She's
rolling her eye. Look at that.
1190
00:57:22,800 --> 00:57:24,962
How did you do that? Come
on, you, with me, now.
1191
00:57:25,040 --> 00:57:26,087
But...
1192
00:57:26,160 --> 00:57:28,401
Teach you a little lesson about
rolling your eyes. Come on.
1193
00:57:28,480 --> 00:57:29,481
(DOOR SHUTS)
1194
00:57:32,840 --> 00:57:33,841
Oh.
1195
00:57:35,000 --> 00:57:37,321
Now, do you know
why I'm gonna punish you?
1196
00:57:37,560 --> 00:57:40,040
Because you're a sicko
who likes abusing women.
1197
00:57:40,360 --> 00:57:43,569
While there may be some truth
to that, that's not the reason.
1198
00:57:44,320 --> 00:57:46,004
Because I rolled my eyes.
1199
00:57:46,080 --> 00:57:47,161
Bingo.
1200
00:57:49,720 --> 00:57:50,721
Oh!
1201
00:57:53,400 --> 00:57:57,883
This is gonna hurt you a whole lot
more than it's gonna hurt me.
1202
00:58:01,240 --> 00:58:04,084
Ha! (SIGHS)
1203
00:58:04,280 --> 00:58:06,487
Welcome to my world.
1204
00:58:07,480 --> 00:58:10,165
Oh, God! Fuck!
1205
00:58:10,720 --> 00:58:12,882
Ooh, that hurt! Oh!
1206
00:58:13,240 --> 00:58:14,446
Did you do it?
1207
00:58:14,560 --> 00:58:16,927
(GRUNTING) Ow.
1208
00:58:17,200 --> 00:58:19,851
Okay, 15 across,
"winter beverage."
1209
00:58:19,920 --> 00:58:22,082
Nothing? You don't
feel nothing?
1210
00:58:22,960 --> 00:58:24,246
I love knitting.
1211
00:58:24,400 --> 00:58:26,084
(INHALING)
1212
00:58:26,160 --> 00:58:28,242
(EXHALES LOUDLY)
1213
00:58:28,600 --> 00:58:30,443
(GRUNTS)
1214
00:58:30,560 --> 00:58:33,609
Are you gonna spank me? All this
build-up is getting boring.
1215
00:58:33,680 --> 00:58:35,364
Okay, okay, you wanna play?
1216
00:58:35,440 --> 00:58:37,044
Oh, I got something for you.
1217
00:58:37,120 --> 00:58:38,246
Excuse me.
1218
00:58:40,760 --> 00:58:44,162
Enough of your games. It's about
to get real dark in here.
1219
00:58:44,240 --> 00:58:45,321
Sure.
1220
00:58:46,200 --> 00:58:47,486
(METAL CLANGS)
1221
00:58:47,720 --> 00:58:49,370
Are you gonna find something
that actually works?
1222
00:58:49,440 --> 00:58:52,091
Big brother almighty!
1223
00:58:52,280 --> 00:58:53,520
Whoo!
1224
00:58:54,160 --> 00:58:56,128
(YELLING)
1225
00:58:56,560 --> 00:58:58,528
That was my sorority paddle!
1226
00:58:58,960 --> 00:59:00,166
Oh!
1227
00:59:00,640 --> 00:59:02,244
You know, Hannah,
1228
00:59:03,440 --> 00:59:05,204
I didn't wanna have
to do this to you,
1229
00:59:05,800 --> 00:59:07,723
but you've been a naughty girl.
1230
00:59:07,800 --> 00:59:09,370
(INHALES DEEPLY)
1231
00:59:12,120 --> 00:59:14,043
Did you break my fucking stool?
1232
00:59:14,640 --> 00:59:15,687
No.
1233
00:59:17,360 --> 00:59:19,328
I think I'm pretty good at this.
1234
00:59:19,520 --> 00:59:21,568
(PANTING)
1235
00:59:23,480 --> 00:59:24,481
Oh...
1236
00:59:24,560 --> 00:59:26,722
I don't...
I don't understand.
1237
00:59:26,800 --> 00:59:29,929
I fucking hit you with everything.
I don't get it.
1238
00:59:30,000 --> 00:59:31,126
Don't feel bad.
1239
00:59:31,200 --> 00:59:32,725
I haven't really felt
anything down there
1240
00:59:32,800 --> 00:59:33,961
since I got my butt implants.
1241
00:59:34,040 --> 00:59:37,408
I'll just... I'll see you back
at my place tomorrow. Yeah.
1242
00:59:55,640 --> 00:59:58,849
When you're in this room,
you do as I say.
1243
01:00:00,200 --> 01:00:02,362
Is that understood?
Yes.
1244
01:00:02,440 --> 01:00:04,408
Yes, who?
Yes, sir.
1245
01:00:04,560 --> 01:00:05,721
Good girl.
1246
01:00:07,560 --> 01:00:08,891
Hands up.
1247
01:00:23,240 --> 01:00:25,686
Turn around.
On your knees.
1248
01:00:26,560 --> 01:00:27,800
Stay.
1249
01:00:36,120 --> 01:00:37,167
(GROANS)
1250
01:00:37,520 --> 01:00:38,521
Don't look at me!
1251
01:00:52,720 --> 01:00:54,324
Raise your hand.
1252
01:01:09,440 --> 01:01:10,646
(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)
1253
01:01:10,720 --> 01:01:11,767
Did that hurt?
1254
01:01:11,840 --> 01:01:13,001
No.
1255
01:01:13,600 --> 01:01:18,447
Sometimes the pain
is in your mind.
1256
01:01:23,680 --> 01:01:25,728
(WHOOSHING)
1257
01:01:35,520 --> 01:01:38,205
(YELLS) God damn it! Motherfuck!
1258
01:01:38,440 --> 01:01:42,161
And sometimes the pain
is not in your mind!
1259
01:01:42,360 --> 01:01:44,328
(WHOOPING)
1260
01:01:47,480 --> 01:01:48,720
Jerk!
1261
01:01:52,560 --> 01:01:55,928
CHRISTIAN: I have a very important
question to ask you, Ms. Steale.
1262
01:01:56,760 --> 01:01:58,762
Where is bin Laden?
What?
1263
01:01:59,080 --> 01:02:03,483
Where is bin Laden? When was the
last time you saw bin Laden?
1264
01:02:03,560 --> 01:02:05,688
Where is he?
(SPITTING)
1265
01:02:05,760 --> 01:02:07,569
(SOBBING) I don't know!
1266
01:02:07,640 --> 01:02:09,961
He's been dead for five years!
1267
01:02:10,080 --> 01:02:11,923
I don't keep up
on current events!
1268
01:02:12,160 --> 01:02:13,889
(HAN NAH GROANING)
1269
01:02:17,640 --> 01:02:20,120
And now the real torture begins.
1270
01:02:20,200 --> 01:02:21,725
(SCREAMS)
(CHUCKLES)
1271
01:02:21,920 --> 01:02:22,921
Where were we?
1272
01:02:23,120 --> 01:02:24,645
(SCREAMING)
1273
01:02:26,080 --> 01:02:28,321
(SOBBING) I can't
remember the safe word.
1274
01:02:28,800 --> 01:02:30,370
Chapter 23.
1275
01:02:30,440 --> 01:02:32,568
(SCREAMS)
(SIGHS)
1276
01:02:32,640 --> 01:02:35,803
"It was a cold,
gloomy day in Seattle."
1277
01:02:36,160 --> 01:02:40,085
Oh, God, this book is 50
shades of fucking terrible.
1278
01:02:40,160 --> 01:02:41,400
(HANNAH SOBBING)
1279
01:02:41,480 --> 01:02:43,369
Who wrote this,
a third-grader?
1280
01:02:43,480 --> 01:02:46,006
Please go back to
the water-torture thing!
1281
01:02:46,120 --> 01:02:47,770
(GIGGLING)
1282
01:02:50,640 --> 01:02:51,971
(HANNAH SCREAMING)
1283
01:02:52,080 --> 01:02:53,889
What's the safe word?
Stop it!
1284
01:02:53,960 --> 01:02:55,246
What's your safe word?
1285
01:02:55,320 --> 01:02:56,526
I don't know.
1286
01:02:57,200 --> 01:02:59,646
Please just... Are you
gonna let me down now?
1287
01:02:59,720 --> 01:03:01,131
Yes, Ms. Steale.
1288
01:03:04,280 --> 01:03:07,489
If I could just find these keys.
1289
01:03:08,120 --> 01:03:11,124
You didn't see the keys... No, I
know where they are. I just...
1290
01:03:11,200 --> 01:03:13,441
God, my arms are
really starting to hurt.
1291
01:03:13,640 --> 01:03:15,005
I got an idea.
(GROANS)
1292
01:03:15,800 --> 01:03:18,531
See, most people use a universal
lock key in their sex dungeons
1293
01:03:18,600 --> 01:03:19,965
for reasons just like this. Hmm.
1294
01:03:20,040 --> 01:03:22,407
But what you got here is
an over-molded swivel key.
1295
01:03:22,480 --> 01:03:23,680
All right, that's a custom job.
1296
01:03:23,720 --> 01:03:24,767
You're gonna need somebody else
1297
01:03:24,840 --> 01:03:25,807
to take a look at this.
(CHRISTIAN GROANS)
1298
01:03:25,880 --> 01:03:27,609
Yeah, I don't know
what to tell you.
1299
01:03:27,720 --> 01:03:29,609
Next time, I'd put one of those
tracker app things on the key
1300
01:03:29,680 --> 01:03:30,841
so you don't lose it.
1301
01:03:30,920 --> 01:03:32,684
What are they called?
Oh, I know the name.
1302
01:03:32,760 --> 01:03:35,366
It's on the tip of my tongue.
It starts with a
1303
01:03:35,440 --> 01:03:36,771
Ta...
Maybe Ten?
1304
01:03:36,840 --> 01:03:38,171
Telepathy?
1305
01:03:38,240 --> 01:03:40,971
Hey, dipshits,
it's called a Tile.
1306
01:03:41,080 --> 01:03:42,809
(ALL EXCLAIMING) Tile!
1307
01:03:42,920 --> 01:03:44,001
Holy shit, you're good!
1308
01:03:44,080 --> 01:03:45,127
OFFICER COOPER:
You went to college!
1309
01:03:45,200 --> 01:03:46,201
DAN SULLIVAN: Hell yeah!
1310
01:03:46,280 --> 01:03:47,611
JOE MILLS: Come on!
1311
01:03:47,680 --> 01:03:48,841
I've picked a lot
of locks in my day,
1312
01:03:48,920 --> 01:03:50,729
but I've never seen
anything like this.
1313
01:03:50,800 --> 01:03:52,848
Man, it's impressive.
Thank you.
1314
01:03:52,920 --> 01:03:55,446
Yeah. I got nothing.
Who's next?
1315
01:03:55,560 --> 01:03:58,131
Who's next? What are you
guys, Ocean's Eleven?
1316
01:03:58,200 --> 01:04:00,160
How many more fuckups
are you gonna bring in here?
1317
01:04:00,840 --> 01:04:02,285
Stand back!
HANNAH: Oh.
1318
01:04:03,160 --> 01:04:05,845
On the count of three,
the Great Mysterio
1319
01:04:05,920 --> 01:04:08,764
shall command these
shackles unlocked!
1320
01:04:09,000 --> 01:04:11,367
One! Do not
divert your gaze.
1321
01:04:11,440 --> 01:04:13,602
Two! Illusion!
1322
01:04:13,960 --> 01:04:16,122
Three! Mysterio!
1323
01:04:16,400 --> 01:04:17,731
Thank you.
Um...
1324
01:04:17,880 --> 01:04:18,881
Uh...
1325
01:04:19,000 --> 01:04:20,729
Yeah, that didn't work. All
the locks are still there.
1326
01:04:20,800 --> 01:04:22,404
HANNAH: Nothing happened!
1327
01:04:22,480 --> 01:04:24,244
Oh. I got nothing, guys.
1328
01:04:24,360 --> 01:04:25,646
Jesus Christ.
1329
01:04:25,720 --> 01:04:29,770
Oh, speaking of disappearing, I have
a bar mitzvah in one hour. Mysterio!
1330
01:04:30,200 --> 01:04:31,201
(HANNAH SCREAMS)
1331
01:04:31,720 --> 01:04:34,087
(LAUGHING) Oh, damn!
Oh, my God.
1332
01:04:34,160 --> 01:04:35,321
(THUDDING)
1333
01:04:41,720 --> 01:04:43,848
This was not in the contract!
1334
01:04:46,680 --> 01:04:48,330
(MUSIC PLAYING)
1335
01:04:49,000 --> 01:04:50,490
Where we going?
1336
01:04:51,120 --> 01:04:53,566
To my parents' house for dinner.
1337
01:04:54,320 --> 01:04:56,482
You look lovely.
Thank you.
1338
01:04:59,840 --> 01:05:01,569
Where'd you learn to dance?
1339
01:05:01,640 --> 01:05:03,483
At this little club in Tampa.
1340
01:05:05,040 --> 01:05:06,963
(CROWD CHEERING)
1341
01:05:07,040 --> 01:05:09,122
(MUSIC PLAYING)
1342
01:05:26,320 --> 01:05:27,526
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
1343
01:05:27,680 --> 01:05:28,681
Dance!
1344
01:05:38,840 --> 01:05:40,046
Yeah!
1345
01:05:41,840 --> 01:05:43,285
Ooh, wow.
1346
01:05:45,720 --> 01:05:47,370
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
1347
01:05:47,440 --> 01:05:48,441
Ah! Fuck!
1348
01:05:48,920 --> 01:05:50,809
(CHEERING AND
SCREAMING CONTINUES)
1349
01:06:09,360 --> 01:06:10,600
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
1350
01:06:11,560 --> 01:06:12,561
(SCREAMING)
1351
01:06:23,720 --> 01:06:24,721
What's that?
1352
01:06:31,640 --> 01:06:33,085
(CHEERING)
1353
01:06:42,920 --> 01:06:44,081
(CHRISTIAN GRUNTS)
1354
01:06:59,880 --> 01:07:01,609
(CHEERING LOUDLY)
1355
01:07:24,200 --> 01:07:26,043
(ALL GASP)
(MUSIC STOPS)
1356
01:07:27,880 --> 01:07:29,962
Oh, my God,
he's got a baby dick!
1357
01:07:30,400 --> 01:07:32,641
(ALL LAUGHING)
1358
01:07:34,320 --> 01:07:37,927
It's just the lighting! It's bad lighting!
It's creating shadow!
1359
01:07:44,760 --> 01:07:47,843
It's not little!
You're just little people!
1360
01:07:52,560 --> 01:07:53,846
Hi.
1361
01:07:53,920 --> 01:07:55,126
Oh, you made it.
1362
01:07:55,600 --> 01:07:57,682
Hannah! It's so
good to see you.
1363
01:07:58,000 --> 01:07:59,047
Hi.
1364
01:07:59,120 --> 01:08:00,804
Hannah, this is my dad, Gary.
1365
01:08:01,520 --> 01:08:03,966
Are we ever happy
to meet you, Hannah.
1366
01:08:04,160 --> 01:08:05,491
Really?
Oh, yes.
1367
01:08:05,800 --> 01:08:08,041
I was sure that
Christian was gay.
1368
01:08:08,640 --> 01:08:11,610
He's well-groomed,
loves Lady Gaga.
1369
01:08:11,880 --> 01:08:14,247
Can't take his eyes
off of Anderson Cooper.
1370
01:08:14,360 --> 01:08:16,931
What kind of
Republican watches CNN?
1371
01:08:17,040 --> 01:08:19,771
Hi! I'm Mai!
1372
01:08:19,840 --> 01:08:21,365
It's so nice to meet you!
1373
01:08:21,640 --> 01:08:23,688
I can't believe
you're a Republican.
1374
01:08:23,760 --> 01:08:26,411
That's his deep, dark secret.
(LAUGHS)
1375
01:08:26,480 --> 01:08:28,050
Shall we?
1376
01:08:29,520 --> 01:08:31,363
I can't believe you're a Republican.
Sorry.
1377
01:08:31,520 --> 01:08:32,521
Ah...
1378
01:08:34,040 --> 01:08:35,644
Mrs. Black, this
food looks amazing.
1379
01:08:35,720 --> 01:08:37,290
CLAIRE:
Oh, thank you, Hannah.
1380
01:08:37,360 --> 01:08:38,480
Well, it was important to me
1381
01:08:38,520 --> 01:08:42,445
that our adopted children were
exposed to their native cultures.
1382
01:08:42,520 --> 01:08:45,763
So, for Eli, I have
prepared Balangu.
1383
01:08:46,000 --> 01:08:48,048
It's a spicy goat
dish from Nigeria.
1384
01:08:48,560 --> 01:08:50,801
And for Mai, of course,
we have Peking Duck
1385
01:08:50,880 --> 01:08:52,848
from the Mandarin
province of China.
1386
01:08:53,040 --> 01:08:54,201
I'm Korean!
1387
01:08:54,280 --> 01:08:55,441
Don't be fresh, Mai!
1388
01:08:55,920 --> 01:08:58,400
There are billions of
starving Chinese children
1389
01:08:58,480 --> 01:09:00,847
who need their energy
to make sneakers for Nike,
1390
01:09:00,920 --> 01:09:03,605
and they would
kill for this meal.
1391
01:09:03,680 --> 01:09:07,127
For Christian, of course, we
have fried chicken and Kool-Aid.
1392
01:09:07,320 --> 01:09:10,290
It's a very popular
dish in Detroit, Michigan.
1393
01:09:10,360 --> 01:09:13,284
And your favorite,
of course, hot sauce!
1394
01:09:13,360 --> 01:09:14,771
Oh, Mom. (CHUCKLES)
1395
01:09:16,960 --> 01:09:19,281
So, Hannah, are you interested
in having children?
1396
01:09:19,520 --> 01:09:20,521
(CLEARS THROAT)
1397
01:09:20,600 --> 01:09:23,331
Yes, I would,
if I met the right person.
1398
01:09:23,680 --> 01:09:28,925
Oh, you have no idea what joy we
have had from having our kids.
1399
01:09:29,360 --> 01:09:31,362
Mai's the one that I
worried about the most.
1400
01:09:31,440 --> 01:09:33,886
(KATEESHA MOANING) I
mean, she was so sweet.
1401
01:09:33,960 --> 01:09:35,200
I mean, it seemed
almost inevitable
1402
01:09:35,280 --> 01:09:38,090
that she'd grow up one day
and run off with Gary.
1403
01:09:38,280 --> 01:09:40,123
Like that little
director fellow, you know,
1404
01:09:40,200 --> 01:09:41,690
the one that married Mia Farrow?
1405
01:09:42,080 --> 01:09:44,606
Oh, sweetheart, please stop.
She's our daughter.
1406
01:09:44,680 --> 01:09:46,569
She's a hot
little number, though.
1407
01:09:48,680 --> 01:09:50,648
CLAIRE: Hannah, I would
really recommend
1408
01:09:50,720 --> 01:09:53,291
adopting underprivileged
children.
1409
01:09:53,440 --> 01:09:57,445
Wow, that's really just so
sweet of you, Mrs. Black.
1410
01:09:57,640 --> 01:10:00,371
It is a great conversation
starter at charities,
1411
01:10:00,440 --> 01:10:02,761
it helps your social standing...
1412
01:10:02,840 --> 01:10:03,841
ELI: Give it to me.
1413
01:10:03,960 --> 01:10:05,564
And your vag
doesn't get stretched out
1414
01:10:05,680 --> 01:10:07,280
like an elastic band
at Cirque du Soleil.
1415
01:10:07,320 --> 01:10:09,004
Okay, Mom.
Mom, please.
1416
01:10:09,120 --> 01:10:11,566
CLAIRE: There was just nothing I
wouldn't do for my children. Hot, hot...
1417
01:10:11,640 --> 01:10:13,722
I even learned to
speak Mandarin for Mai.
1418
01:10:14,400 --> 01:10:15,890
(CLAIRE SPEAKING MAN DARIN)
1419
01:10:22,960 --> 01:10:24,450
That's not even a real language.
1420
01:10:24,920 --> 01:10:26,251
KATEESHA: Hit that bottom!
1421
01:10:26,720 --> 01:10:28,688
Hannah, where is
your family from?
1422
01:10:28,760 --> 01:10:29,761
Oh...
1423
01:10:29,840 --> 01:10:31,604
My mom lives in Georgia.
1424
01:10:31,920 --> 01:10:33,445
CLAIRE: Oh, Atlanta!
1425
01:10:33,880 --> 01:10:36,121
Oh, then your mom
must be a stripper.
1426
01:10:36,320 --> 01:10:38,322
She actually lives in Savannah,
1427
01:10:38,440 --> 01:10:40,090
and she's just a housewife.
1428
01:10:40,240 --> 01:10:42,368
(KATEESHA MOANING)
Sure she is, dear.
1429
01:10:42,440 --> 01:10:45,125
I'm gonna go and visit her,
actually, in a few days.
1430
01:10:46,320 --> 01:10:47,924
CLAIRE: Drinks anyone?
Drinkies?
1431
01:10:48,000 --> 01:10:50,082
I'll have two.
I'd love to, Mom,
1432
01:10:50,160 --> 01:10:52,640
but I promised Hannah
I'd show her the estate.
1433
01:10:52,720 --> 01:10:54,210
KATEESHA: Home stretch! Yes!
1434
01:10:54,280 --> 01:10:55,566
Excuse us, please.
1435
01:10:56,160 --> 01:10:57,446
ELI: It's grocery time.
1436
01:10:57,560 --> 01:10:58,561
(KATEESHA SCREAMS)
1437
01:10:58,800 --> 01:11:01,451
It's like I'm on air right now!
(ELI BLOWS RASPBERRIES)
1438
01:11:03,000 --> 01:11:04,286
How come you didn't
tell me about her?
1439
01:11:04,360 --> 01:11:05,521
Who, my mom?
1440
01:11:05,640 --> 01:11:07,244
My God, she has a nickname?
1441
01:11:09,840 --> 01:11:10,966
Do you love her?
1442
01:11:11,040 --> 01:11:12,724
Of course, she's my mother.
1443
01:11:12,800 --> 01:11:15,724
God, how long has
this been going on?
1444
01:11:15,800 --> 01:11:17,325
Since birth.
1445
01:11:17,400 --> 01:11:19,289
Oh, come on, I can't
compete with that!
1446
01:11:19,360 --> 01:11:20,725
Hey, you don't have
to compete with it!
1447
01:11:20,800 --> 01:11:22,370
You're my boyfriend,
she's my mom.
1448
01:11:22,440 --> 01:11:23,726
They're two totally
different relationships!
1449
01:11:23,840 --> 01:11:26,571
No, they're not! Okay,
Hannah, you're mine, okay?
1450
01:11:26,640 --> 01:11:30,406
There's no mother, no brother, no
cousins, no second cousin removed,
1451
01:11:30,520 --> 01:11:32,727
no friends that you call cousin
'cause your parents are close!
1452
01:11:32,840 --> 01:11:35,320
There's none of that.
No play cousins?
1453
01:11:35,400 --> 01:11:36,970
No play cousins.
1454
01:11:37,040 --> 01:11:38,610
Christian, what do you want?
1455
01:11:38,680 --> 01:11:41,047
I want Kevin Hart not
to be in every movie!
1456
01:11:41,120 --> 01:11:42,645
Why? He's hilarious.
1457
01:11:42,720 --> 01:11:44,051
Come on, there's
other black actors!
1458
01:11:44,120 --> 01:11:46,009
How about them?
Like who?
1459
01:11:46,160 --> 01:11:48,049
It could've been Sam
Jackson in Ride Along-
1460
01:11:48,120 --> 01:11:50,480
Who knows what kind of crazy wig
he would have been wearing?
1461
01:11:50,520 --> 01:11:51,931
I thought you wanted me!
1462
01:11:52,000 --> 01:11:53,331
What do you want, love letters?
1463
01:11:53,400 --> 01:11:55,801
Hickies? Edible Arrangements?
Mmm.
1464
01:11:55,880 --> 01:11:58,611
You know, that's not even real flowers.
It's fucking fruit.
1465
01:11:58,680 --> 01:11:59,761
Yeah, but it's delicious.
1466
01:12:00,720 --> 01:12:02,484
And it's a start, okay?
1467
01:12:02,560 --> 01:12:05,882
And maybe we could advance to
a Tiffany's engagement ring,
1468
01:12:05,960 --> 01:12:08,531
and a wedding where we invite
500 of our closest friends,
1469
01:12:08,600 --> 01:12:10,921
and then we have seven kids,
and we live in a big house...
1470
01:12:11,000 --> 01:12:15,324
Whoa. You had this whole
thing planned out, huh?
1471
01:12:15,400 --> 01:12:17,721
You know, is it me or
is it hot in here? Shit.
1472
01:12:17,800 --> 01:12:19,848
You want me to be
somebody that I'm not.
1473
01:12:19,920 --> 01:12:21,922
No, no, it's not me
that's changing you.
1474
01:12:22,000 --> 01:12:23,650
It's you that's changing me!
1475
01:12:23,720 --> 01:12:25,370
Wait a minute.
1476
01:12:25,440 --> 01:12:27,283
That's a line
from the movie Radio.
1477
01:12:28,080 --> 01:12:29,161
No, it's not.
1478
01:12:29,280 --> 01:12:31,123
Yeah, yeah, the movie
with Cuba Gooding, Jr.,
1479
01:12:31,240 --> 01:12:33,925
where he played this
mentally disabled athlete.
1480
01:12:34,000 --> 01:12:35,923
"It's not us
that's teaching Radio,
1481
01:12:36,000 --> 01:12:37,809
"it's Radio
that's teaching us."
1482
01:12:37,880 --> 01:12:39,211
Nah, mine is way different.
1483
01:12:39,280 --> 01:12:40,645
It's the same premise.
1484
01:12:41,360 --> 01:12:42,521
You complete me?
1485
01:12:42,960 --> 01:12:45,167
Jerry Maguire, also
starring Cuba Gooding, Jr.
1486
01:12:45,240 --> 01:12:48,164
I don't understand
your whole fixation on him.
1487
01:12:48,240 --> 01:12:51,608
You know, all this time I thought
I wasn't in the right place,
1488
01:12:51,840 --> 01:12:53,251
but I was!
1489
01:12:54,040 --> 01:12:55,530
HANNAH: That's Snow Dogs.
1490
01:12:55,640 --> 01:12:57,005
God damn it!
1491
01:12:57,080 --> 01:12:59,242
I gotta stop binging on Netflix.
1492
01:12:59,880 --> 01:13:00,927
Hannah!
1493
01:13:01,120 --> 01:13:02,485
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
1494
01:13:20,160 --> 01:13:22,527
That song sounds so sad.
1495
01:13:22,600 --> 01:13:25,285
Not as sad as Luther Vandross'
Dance With My Father.
1496
01:13:25,360 --> 01:13:27,647
Oh, God, that song tears me up.
1497
01:13:28,880 --> 01:13:32,327
Every time I hear it, I just
wanna go, "Where's my daddy?"
1498
01:13:32,640 --> 01:13:34,688
Christian, we have to talk.
1499
01:13:35,400 --> 01:13:37,084
You mean like white people?
1500
01:13:37,160 --> 01:13:38,605
What's wrong with that?
1501
01:13:39,160 --> 01:13:41,208
Well, they just
talk a lot, you know?
1502
01:13:41,280 --> 01:13:42,884
They do it differently
than black people do it.
1503
01:13:43,080 --> 01:13:45,321
White people don't like to
argue, they like to discuss.
1504
01:13:45,520 --> 01:13:48,729
Then they start throwing
around all these big SAT words
1505
01:13:48,800 --> 01:13:50,450
and putting a lot of emotional
guilt on each other.
1506
01:13:50,520 --> 01:13:52,443
It's just too much to deal with.
1507
01:13:52,520 --> 01:13:55,000
I like it the black way, you know,
where we curse each other out,
1508
01:13:55,080 --> 01:13:57,242
we may fight, and then
we get cool again,
1509
01:13:57,320 --> 01:13:59,448
but we talk about each other
behind each other's back, like,
1510
01:13:59,520 --> 01:14:00,760
"Oh, nah, I ain't
fucking with that bitch."
1511
01:14:00,840 --> 01:14:01,966
But what you not gonna do...
1512
01:14:02,120 --> 01:14:03,770
But what you not gonna do...
You not gonna do...
1513
01:14:03,840 --> 01:14:04,841
You not about to "not" me!
Uh-uh...
1514
01:14:05,120 --> 01:14:06,929
Don't let me get
to clappin', boo.
1515
01:14:07,000 --> 01:14:08,001
Oh, hell no.
1516
01:14:08,080 --> 01:14:10,208
See, that's...
That's communication.
1517
01:14:10,280 --> 01:14:11,441
I feel better already.
1518
01:14:11,520 --> 01:14:12,965
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
1519
01:14:13,840 --> 01:14:15,569
Christian.
Hey!
1520
01:14:22,600 --> 01:14:23,601
(SIGHS)
1521
01:14:23,720 --> 01:14:25,404
You're not upset
because I haven't signed
1522
01:14:25,520 --> 01:14:26,931
the contract yet, are you?
1523
01:14:27,040 --> 01:14:29,884
I mean, it's not even legally enforceable.
You know that, right?
1524
01:14:30,000 --> 01:14:33,049
What's important
here are the rules.
1525
01:14:33,120 --> 01:14:35,566
And if you break them,
you should be punished.
1526
01:14:35,680 --> 01:14:37,045
How are you gonna punish me?
1527
01:14:37,160 --> 01:14:38,491
First off, you'll get grounded.
1528
01:14:38,560 --> 01:14:40,403
I'll make you stand in
the corner for an hour.
1529
01:14:40,600 --> 01:14:42,329
And then I will
send you to your room
1530
01:14:42,400 --> 01:14:44,402
without no supper, young lady.
1531
01:14:44,840 --> 01:14:47,844
Christian, this is crazy.
Why do you need to punish me?
1532
01:14:47,960 --> 01:14:50,327
Because I'm 51
shades of fucked up!
1533
01:14:51,560 --> 01:14:54,928
You know I'm five-four
seconds from wildin'.
1534
01:14:55,000 --> 01:14:57,526
I got three fillets for fryin'.
1535
01:14:57,960 --> 01:15:01,726
I got 99 problems,
but now a bitch is one!
1536
01:15:01,920 --> 01:15:03,888
That's 100 problems, Hannah!
1537
01:15:04,560 --> 01:15:05,721
(SIGHS)
1538
01:15:05,920 --> 01:15:08,526
I can only deal with so much.
99's fine.
1539
01:15:08,600 --> 01:15:11,843
A hundred jus... I can't
even count that far.
1540
01:15:12,760 --> 01:15:13,921
Okay.
1541
01:15:15,400 --> 01:15:16,811
Then you show me the worst.
1542
01:15:17,400 --> 01:15:19,209
I wanna see how bad it can get.
1543
01:15:19,480 --> 01:15:21,209
No more of this
pussy-ass punishment
1544
01:15:21,280 --> 01:15:22,725
you've been doling out thus far.
1545
01:15:22,800 --> 01:15:24,245
I wanna go all the way.
1546
01:15:26,400 --> 01:15:29,210
Is that something that
you think you can do?
1547
01:15:29,560 --> 01:15:30,800
(MOUTHING)
Thank you.
1548
01:15:33,280 --> 01:15:34,441
Yes.
1549
01:15:35,600 --> 01:15:37,409
Bend over.
1550
01:15:43,000 --> 01:15:44,001
Hmm.
1551
01:15:46,880 --> 01:15:47,881
Mmm-mmm.
1552
01:15:50,520 --> 01:15:51,521
Hmm.
1553
01:15:54,720 --> 01:15:55,801
Aha.
1554
01:15:59,440 --> 01:16:03,604
Nothin' says ass-whuppin'
like good ol' Joe Jackson.
1555
01:16:03,760 --> 01:16:04,966
(WHIP CRACKS)
1556
01:16:05,200 --> 01:16:06,611
Hannah“.
1557
01:16:07,680 --> 01:16:10,809
I'm gonna spank you six times.
1558
01:16:12,520 --> 01:16:15,285
I need you to count with me.
1559
01:16:18,840 --> 01:16:21,002
(GRUNTS)
(HANNAH GROANS)
1560
01:16:21,200 --> 01:16:23,248
God damn it, motherfucker!
1561
01:16:23,360 --> 01:16:25,522
I said count with me!
1562
01:16:26,240 --> 01:16:27,241
(GRUNTS)
1563
01:16:27,360 --> 01:16:29,408
One! Two!
(WHIP CRACKING)
1564
01:16:30,320 --> 01:16:34,484
Jesus! It hurts so bad I can't
keep count! Where were we?
1565
01:16:34,680 --> 01:16:35,680
I don't know!
1566
01:16:35,720 --> 01:16:37,404
(EXHALES)
God damn it, Hannah!
1567
01:16:37,480 --> 01:16:39,482
I don't know how to count, okay?
1568
01:16:39,560 --> 01:16:41,244
My crackhead mother
never taught me.
1569
01:16:42,360 --> 01:16:44,761
How about this?
Let's try in Spanish.
1570
01:16:44,960 --> 01:16:46,291
Spanish?
Si.
1571
01:16:46,720 --> 01:16:48,165
(CHRISTIAN YELLING)
1572
01:16:48,320 --> 01:16:51,688
(WHIMPERING) Tres. Cuatro.
1573
01:16:52,040 --> 01:16:56,090
I'm not too sure, but I think
cinco comes after tres-
1574
01:16:56,280 --> 01:16:59,124
Are you kidding me?
Cuatro comes after tres.
1575
01:16:59,360 --> 01:17:01,886
Well, don't get mad at me.
I don't know Spanish.
1576
01:17:01,960 --> 01:17:03,405
Look, my crackhead
mother never taught me
1577
01:17:03,480 --> 01:17:05,801
how to count or
how to speak Spanish.
1578
01:17:06,000 --> 01:17:08,048
Now we gotta start from scratch!
No!
1579
01:17:08,880 --> 01:17:10,689
(YELLING)
1580
01:17:17,920 --> 01:17:18,967
Whoo!
1581
01:17:19,600 --> 01:17:21,409
(SIGHS)
1582
01:17:22,240 --> 01:17:25,881
I am tired. Oh, God,
that is exhausting.
1583
01:17:26,360 --> 01:17:28,442
Oh, I'm gonna be sore tomorrow.
1584
01:17:29,040 --> 01:17:31,884
Oh. Come on, let's get you up.
(GROANS)
1585
01:17:32,600 --> 01:17:34,284
Don't touch me!
1586
01:17:34,760 --> 01:17:35,921
Hey!
1587
01:17:36,400 --> 01:17:38,926
Does it make you
happy to see me like this?
1588
01:17:39,200 --> 01:17:42,522
I mean, not really.
You look like a sad Gollum.
1589
01:17:42,600 --> 01:17:45,888
Like you's all bent over, and you're
crying. You look a little crazy.
1590
01:17:46,520 --> 01:17:47,851
Come on, don't hate me.
1591
01:17:47,920 --> 01:17:49,046
Hate you?
1592
01:17:49,400 --> 01:17:51,129
I loathe you.
1593
01:17:51,400 --> 01:17:54,449
Whoa. That's a thesaurus
word right there.
1594
01:17:54,920 --> 01:17:57,082
I hate you the way
black people hate cops.
1595
01:17:57,240 --> 01:17:58,241
Wow.
1596
01:17:58,360 --> 01:18:01,523
I hate you the way
Republicans hate ObamaCare!
1597
01:18:01,600 --> 01:18:02,840
Baby, come on now.
1598
01:18:03,000 --> 01:18:07,608
(SOBBING) I hate you the way
Kanye West hates everybody else!
1599
01:18:07,760 --> 01:18:09,808
Well, I'm kind of
with him on Taylor Swift.
1600
01:18:09,920 --> 01:18:11,524
What is that
bitch singing about?
1601
01:18:11,840 --> 01:18:14,525
You will never do
that to me again.
1602
01:18:14,600 --> 01:18:16,204
You said it was cool.
1603
01:18:16,360 --> 01:18:20,001
I know niggas, grimy niggas
who do not value themselves,
1604
01:18:20,160 --> 01:18:22,162
and they will have no
problem coming down here
1605
01:18:22,240 --> 01:18:23,651
to fuck your little ass up!
1606
01:18:23,760 --> 01:18:26,525
Whoa. Slow it up now.
Just one "Cuckoo!"
1607
01:18:27,040 --> 01:18:29,281
And they will swoop down on you
1608
01:18:29,360 --> 01:18:32,045
like pigeons on
old garlic bread!
1609
01:18:32,360 --> 01:18:34,408
You can't be cuckooin'
on this mo'fuck!
1610
01:18:34,520 --> 01:18:36,807
(MIMICKING PIGEONS) You gotta
calm them niggas down.
1611
01:18:37,000 --> 01:18:38,490
You know what?
1612
01:18:40,640 --> 01:18:42,165
Let's try something else.
1613
01:18:43,800 --> 01:18:46,246
Aw, this is cute.
I get it, a little role-play.
1614
01:18:46,320 --> 01:18:47,401
It's cute.
1615
01:18:47,480 --> 01:18:49,130
Handcuffs. All right.
1616
01:18:49,200 --> 01:18:51,328
You thought you were gonna
do this shit to me?
1617
01:18:51,480 --> 01:18:53,482
You messed with the wrong bitch.
1618
01:18:53,560 --> 01:18:55,005
You sound angry.
1619
01:18:55,200 --> 01:18:59,569
This is for Kerry Washington
from De-jango Unchained!
1620
01:18:59,640 --> 01:19:04,089
(SCREAMS) It's fucking... That is Django!
The "D" is silent!
1621
01:19:04,160 --> 01:19:08,768
This is for Lupita Nyong'o
in 12 Years a Slave!
1622
01:19:08,840 --> 01:19:09,966
(SCREAMING)
1623
01:19:10,040 --> 01:19:13,601
God damn it!
It stings so bad!
1624
01:19:13,680 --> 01:19:15,603
All she wanted was some soap!
1625
01:19:16,840 --> 01:19:19,241
Even the antibacterial soap!
1626
01:19:19,320 --> 01:19:21,243
This is for Denzel Washington.
1627
01:19:21,360 --> 01:19:22,964
Wait, he's not even a woman.
1628
01:19:23,040 --> 01:19:24,280
You're just getting crazy.
1629
01:19:24,360 --> 01:19:26,169
But they made him cry in Glory.
1630
01:19:26,400 --> 01:19:27,401
(SCREAMS)
1631
01:19:27,520 --> 01:19:29,284
Who makes Denzel
Washington cry? Nobody!
1632
01:19:29,360 --> 01:19:30,440
You talkin' 'bout like this?
1633
01:19:30,480 --> 01:19:32,482
See, look, I have a Glory tear.
1634
01:19:32,560 --> 01:19:33,925
If it wasn't for
Denzel Washington,
1635
01:19:34,000 --> 01:19:36,207
Flight would've been
a fucking Soul Plane!
1636
01:19:36,320 --> 01:19:37,970
(SCREAMS) Shit!
1637
01:19:38,040 --> 01:19:40,202
Why the fuck did they
make Soul Plane anyway?
1638
01:19:41,400 --> 01:19:45,200
And this is for the little white
girl in Fifty Shades of Grey!
1639
01:19:46,880 --> 01:19:48,723
Johnson.
Dakota Johnson.
1640
01:19:48,880 --> 01:19:51,008
She had to be naked
the whole fucking movie!
1641
01:19:51,080 --> 01:19:52,366
That shit was just gratuitous!
1642
01:19:52,440 --> 01:19:53,441
(SCREAMING)
1643
01:19:53,640 --> 01:19:55,404
Whoo! Ah!
1644
01:19:56,720 --> 01:20:00,566
It burns! It burns! It feels
like someone lit a...
1645
01:20:00,720 --> 01:20:03,405
My ass on fire!
Oh, God, it hurts!
1646
01:20:04,720 --> 01:20:05,960
(WHIMPERING) We done?
1647
01:20:06,040 --> 01:20:09,487
Oh, no, nigga.
No, we not finished yet!
1648
01:20:09,560 --> 01:20:12,404
We not finished
with you yet, nigga!
1649
01:20:12,600 --> 01:20:13,840
What? Where you
goin' with this?
1650
01:20:13,880 --> 01:20:16,406
I'm about to get
medieval on your ass.
1651
01:20:17,120 --> 01:20:19,407
Welcome to my world,
motherfucker.
1652
01:20:19,520 --> 01:20:20,521
(SCREAMS)
1653
01:20:24,400 --> 01:20:26,084
(SOBBING) on, God!
1654
01:20:27,080 --> 01:20:28,570
(CRYING)
1655
01:20:29,920 --> 01:20:31,684
Oh, God!
1656
01:20:33,760 --> 01:20:36,923
This hurts so much.
1657
01:20:37,120 --> 01:20:38,770
I Wish I'd died.
1658
01:20:40,120 --> 01:20:42,521
Don't touch it!
Don't touch it!
1659
01:20:42,600 --> 01:20:44,489
Oh, it's tickling.
1660
01:20:44,920 --> 01:20:47,048
Christian, I thought
you'd like it.
1661
01:20:47,120 --> 01:20:48,645
What's there to like!
1662
01:20:49,000 --> 01:20:54,803
What kind of sick pervert beats
you for their own enjoyment?
1663
01:20:55,600 --> 01:20:59,366
Christian, you don't
want somebody like me.
1664
01:21:00,360 --> 01:21:01,964
You're exactly what I want.
1665
01:21:03,160 --> 01:21:06,369
A broke college graduate
with a liberal arts degree
1666
01:21:06,600 --> 01:21:08,602
and no future prospects.
1667
01:21:10,960 --> 01:21:12,450
It's exactly what I want.
1668
01:21:13,160 --> 01:21:16,289
Christian, I've fallen head
over heels in love with you.
1669
01:21:16,640 --> 01:21:18,768
Uh... Whoa!
1670
01:21:18,840 --> 01:21:22,640
Slow it up. That is
not in the contract.
1671
01:21:22,720 --> 01:21:25,883
Like, it specifically
says, and I quote,
1672
01:21:25,960 --> 01:21:28,247
"Bitch don't love a nigga."
1673
01:21:28,640 --> 01:21:30,722
Okay? And I
double-bolded that.
1674
01:21:30,800 --> 01:21:33,485
I knew I should have had
you sign this contract.
1675
01:21:34,400 --> 01:21:37,483
Christian, I think
it'd be best if you leave.
1676
01:21:37,960 --> 01:21:39,564
Get out!
1677
01:21:39,640 --> 01:21:42,120
Fine, you want me to leave? You want
me to leave? Fine, I will leave!
1678
01:21:42,200 --> 01:21:43,850
Okay? Wait, time-out.
1679
01:21:44,080 --> 01:21:45,081
Um...
1680
01:21:45,160 --> 01:21:46,924
I live here.
1681
01:21:47,000 --> 01:21:49,321
Shouldn't you be the one leaving?
Am I wrong?
1682
01:21:50,680 --> 01:21:52,921
Take an umbrella
'cause... (CHUCKLES)
1683
01:21:53,000 --> 01:21:54,525
Bitch, it's raining.
1684
01:21:59,200 --> 01:22:00,406
I need my car back.
1685
01:22:00,480 --> 01:22:02,130
I already sold
that piece of shit.
1686
01:22:02,200 --> 01:22:03,406
I'll send you a check for $37.
1687
01:22:03,520 --> 01:22:05,090
That is way below Blue Book!
1688
01:22:05,160 --> 01:22:06,161
(SCOFFS)
1689
01:22:06,880 --> 01:22:07,881
(SIGHS)
1690
01:22:08,680 --> 01:22:09,681
Hannah!
1691
01:22:09,760 --> 01:22:11,524
Christian, you have
to let me go.
1692
01:22:11,920 --> 01:22:12,921
Please, listen to me!
1693
01:22:13,000 --> 01:22:14,126
No, you listen to me.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
1694
01:22:14,240 --> 01:22:16,846
You'll find someone. Somebody
who wants to be open
1695
01:22:16,920 --> 01:22:19,366
to all the demeaning things
that you wanna do to them.
1696
01:22:19,520 --> 01:22:20,601
Hannah!
1697
01:22:20,680 --> 01:22:21,681
Christian.
1698
01:22:22,320 --> 01:22:23,321
Ooh.
1699
01:22:23,400 --> 01:22:24,480
Ah!
(ELEVATOR ALARM BLARING)
1700
01:22:24,840 --> 01:22:25,841
God!
1701
01:22:26,040 --> 01:22:27,326
(SIGHS)
(GROANS)
1702
01:22:30,880 --> 01:22:33,247
(HANNAH BAWLING)
1703
01:22:33,400 --> 01:22:37,485
How is he gonna love you?
He doesn't even love himself.
1704
01:22:37,560 --> 01:22:41,360
Did you see his haircut, girl?
1705
01:22:41,440 --> 01:22:45,490
How could you think
this was gonna end well?
1706
01:22:48,200 --> 01:22:49,725
(EXHALES) Never look back.
1707
01:22:54,000 --> 01:22:55,809
(CHRISTIAN WHEEZING)
1708
01:22:55,880 --> 01:22:57,006
Christian.
1709
01:22:57,280 --> 01:22:58,441
Hannah.
1710
01:22:59,720 --> 01:23:02,246
While running down
47 flights of stairs,
1711
01:23:03,080 --> 01:23:04,650
I had plenty of time to think.
1712
01:23:05,640 --> 01:23:07,200
And when I passed
out on the 23rd floor,
1713
01:23:07,240 --> 01:23:09,561
I realized I owed
you an apology.
1714
01:23:09,920 --> 01:23:12,526
I just want to say I'm sorry
for the way I treated you.
1715
01:23:12,600 --> 01:23:14,364
Especially for the whole
waterboarding thing.
1716
01:23:15,000 --> 01:23:17,571
Turns out you were
right about bin Laden.
1717
01:23:17,680 --> 01:23:19,921
(CHUCKLES) Who knew?
Everyone.
1718
01:23:20,000 --> 01:23:21,001
Hmm?
1719
01:23:21,080 --> 01:23:22,320
You hurt me, Christian.
1720
01:23:22,400 --> 01:23:24,687
I know. But I have
softer whips.
1721
01:23:24,760 --> 01:23:26,603
You know the kind
with the pink fur on it?
1722
01:23:27,400 --> 01:23:28,447
It takes the sting off.
1723
01:23:28,520 --> 01:23:30,124
That's not what
I'm talking about.
1724
01:23:30,600 --> 01:23:32,967
(SIGHS) You want romance.
I deserve it.
1725
01:23:33,080 --> 01:23:34,127
Well, what's more romantic
1726
01:23:34,200 --> 01:23:36,168
than running down
47 flights of stairs?
1727
01:23:36,280 --> 01:23:37,520
You know I pulled a hamstring?
1728
01:23:37,800 --> 01:23:39,006
Did you die?
1729
01:23:39,080 --> 01:23:41,800
No, but that's gonna keep me out of
the Red Room for at least a week.
1730
01:23:42,320 --> 01:23:43,560
Bye, bitch.
1731
01:23:43,640 --> 01:23:46,041
Okay, okay, okay. Hannah, wait, wait.
Hannah!
1732
01:23:46,120 --> 01:23:48,088
No, Christian.
You are incapable
1733
01:23:48,160 --> 01:23:49,525
of having a normal relationship.
1734
01:23:49,600 --> 01:23:51,409
I know, but I'm trying, okay?
1735
01:23:51,480 --> 01:23:54,290
I want to be like that old man
whose wife has Alzheimer's,
1736
01:23:54,360 --> 01:23:55,521
and he wakes up every day
1737
01:23:55,600 --> 01:23:57,250
and he tells her the story
about their lives together.
1738
01:23:57,480 --> 01:23:59,608
And then they take a nap,
but they don't wake up.
1739
01:24:00,120 --> 01:24:01,406
Because they're dead.
1740
01:24:01,480 --> 01:24:02,925
That's The Notebook.
1741
01:24:03,000 --> 01:24:04,047
That's the one with Ryan Gosling
1742
01:24:04,120 --> 01:24:05,565
and the girl with
the big-ass forehead?
1743
01:24:05,640 --> 01:24:06,641
Oh.
1744
01:24:07,200 --> 01:24:08,326
He never forgot her.
1745
01:24:08,480 --> 01:24:10,562
You don't even like
Nicholas Sparks movies.
1746
01:24:10,800 --> 01:24:12,882
I used to hate them,
but now I love 'em.
1747
01:24:13,240 --> 01:24:14,844
Even The Last Song.
1748
01:24:15,800 --> 01:24:17,370
Why was that even a movie?
1749
01:24:17,440 --> 01:24:18,726
You know that
wasn't even a book?
1750
01:24:19,040 --> 01:24:20,451
Well, if I'm gonna
give you another chance,
1751
01:24:20,520 --> 01:24:21,640
things have to be different.
1752
01:24:21,680 --> 01:24:23,011
I know.
1753
01:24:23,880 --> 01:24:26,326
I have something very
important I wanna tell you.
1754
01:24:27,680 --> 01:24:28,681
I lo...
1755
01:24:30,760 --> 01:24:32,649
I lo...
1756
01:24:32,720 --> 01:24:33,721
(CLEARS THROAT)
1757
01:24:34,360 --> 01:24:35,521
I...
1758
01:24:36,880 --> 01:24:38,041
(VOCALIZING)
1759
01:24:39,160 --> 01:24:42,004
What I'm trying
to say is, I love
1760
01:24:43,560 --> 01:24:45,005
Empire.
(GROANS)
1761
01:24:45,080 --> 01:24:47,845
That Cookie just says
the craziest things.
1762
01:24:48,440 --> 01:24:49,646
Okay.
1763
01:24:51,360 --> 01:24:52,566
I love you.
1764
01:24:53,480 --> 01:24:55,164
I knew you loved me.
1765
01:24:58,840 --> 01:25:00,126
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
1766
01:25:05,560 --> 01:25:07,767
I have one last
surprise for you.
1767
01:25:07,880 --> 01:25:10,201
But you're gonna have to pack a bag.
(SHRIEKS)
1768
01:25:10,360 --> 01:25:11,771
Are we gonna go on
your private jet?
1769
01:25:11,840 --> 01:25:13,205
Oh, my God,
what kind of jet is it?
1770
01:25:13,280 --> 01:25:15,760
No, no, no. Don't tell me.
I want to be surprised.
1771
01:25:16,560 --> 01:25:18,210
(BABY WAILING)
1772
01:25:20,680 --> 01:25:21,727
Ah!
1773
01:25:21,800 --> 01:25:25,168
I can't believe you thought I'd
take you on a private jet.
1774
01:25:25,240 --> 01:25:27,641
I love you and all, but you
don't even have a ring yet.
1775
01:25:27,720 --> 01:25:28,721
(LAUGHS)
1776
01:25:28,800 --> 01:25:29,801
(RETCHING)
125816
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