All language subtitles for Children.Ruin.Everything.S02E13.720p.HDTV.x264-GalaxyTV

We're outside before 10:00 AM

on a Saturday. It's a miracle.

-Rejoice.
-It's 10:15, actually.

We were outside before 10:00.

It's not my fault
that we had to go back

to the house to get bicycles.

And then, again,
to get scooters and stuff.

-Daddy?
-Yes?

Can you attack us
when we get to the park?

Yes. But you can't catch us,
but you have to try.

And I'm an astronaut.

Okay. I'm an astronaut-eating
goblin. Hello.

Oh, you better run,
you better run!

I didn't know that
you said no more juice.

If I had known that,
then I wouldn't have given them

-more juice.
-But once you did know that,

you still gave them more juice.

Because I was trying
to get them out of the house.

But it undermines my parenting.

It's like you're the main
parent, I'm the side parent.

-I'm thirsty.
-Yeah alright.

-Your dad will get your water.
-Yeah. You're the boss.

Even a loving,
supportive relationship
is gonna have

moments that make
you wanna put your teeth
through your nose.

So, you can either
have an argument or get
away from each other,

and then have a calm...
argument.

Either way, there's a
simple path to a resolution.

- But when the kids
- are around--
- Which is always.

T hat path
becomes more complex.

And you--you don't
wanna hash things out
in front of your kids.

You can't necessarily
get away from each other.

So, the anger
kind of bubbles out

in passive-aggressive ways.

Looky, looky.

Who put that there?

- Daddy?
- Mm-hmm.

Why aren't you and mommy
talking?

-We are.
-Yeah.

-Hi.
-Hello.

All right, kids. Scoot ahead.

Sometimes it does feel
like you're the side parent

when I--Viv, watch out.

When I make the snacks,
you're the one that's making up

a fun rap with Felix.

Viv, watch out for the curb.

Nice moves, Felix.

-I see you.
-Yeah. Really well done.

I see. So, filling the kids up
with juice just to make

them happy, that's okay.

But-- I'm a goblin.
I'm coming to get you.

Nyaaa!

But coming up with a rap
with a surprisingly good flow

with my son, that's off the
table.

-Interesting.
-You rhymed "cake" with "hail."

James is looking at real estate.

-Hey, no. I'm on
my five-minute break.
-Busted.

I was just-- what am
I explaining this to you for?

You went for coffee an hour ago.

Yeah, 'cause the coffee
here sucks.

You know how many emails
I've written that we need
to get a new coffee machine?

I just don't know
who to send them to.

-Thank you for the coffee.
-Well, hey, not for you.

-Text me next time.
-I can't.

Astrid took my phone again,
without asking me, again.

So, you're moving away from her?

No. This is a family home.

Five-bedroom, two-bath,
big backyard, finished basement.

Oh, it's like a movie star.

Yeah. But it's so far away
from the city.

This is like witness
relocation territory.

If a mob rat
can get a new start, why not us?

-Because...
-James, answer your phone.

Oh, I think I left it at home.

You left your phone at home?
What next? No shoes?

Nintendo at your desk?

Astrid needs it
to soothe the baby.

I have a premium app
and it's like white noise.

That's what's this
excuse is, white noise.

Marla, I got you a Misto.

Pretty thoughtful.

We have a lettuce crisis
on the horizon.

We have to recall 200
units of romaine

before they hit the shelves.

"Lettuce" take care of it.

We'll "endive" right into it.

-It's E. coli.
-Okay. Yeah.

Well, we're gonna get into that.
Thank you.

"Thanks for the coffee, Ennis.
It's very nice of you."

"Oh, no problem, Marla."

Hey. You know what
you should do?

Get your place evaluated,

because then it might be worth
than you're thinking,

then you don't have to move
so far away from me.

Oh. That's--okay, I will
get it evaluated.

You know, because if
it's an inconvenient distance,

that's--that's gonna be it
for us.

Okay.

Not now...

Nice yard.

Are they kidding me?

Something's the funniest
over there.

You guys watching
Adventure Time again?

A person's asking
what kind of police presence

the World Cup will have.

And we're like, "How about none?

Police don't make people
feel safe."

Totally.

But we need the police
to enforce HOV lanes,

for example, for people
who are coming in from outside

the city so that they're
not in a gridlock.

-Right.
-We should encourage bicycling

-instead.
-Mm-hmm.

But is that what our job is?

Well, it could be.

But is it?

It should be.

Both these ideas are great.

I don't know which one's right.

Mom, what is it? I'm at work.

I was trying to text you.

Graham fell down a ravine
while forging for mushrooms.

I understood every word
of that and yet,

I'm gonna need you to
go ahead and repeat it.

Graham is in the hospital.

You need to come take
the baby so I can go.

Did you call James?
He's not answering.

Hurry!

I have to go work from home.

I have to help my mom,
and apparently,

my husband's job
is more important than mine.

Mom, I can't keep
coming home like this.

You know, it's very hard
for a woman

to get respect at work if people
know she cares about her family.

A man fell down a ravine,
Astrid.

And James just
was ignoring your phone calls?

And my emails.
But don't be too hard on him.

-Why the hell not?
-Well, fine.

Just don't go to bed angry.

Should I also fetch
his slippers when he comes in?

Make sure there's a cold wine
in the fridge for my man?

Graham and I always
wake up smiling at each other.

It might be love...

if he's alive.

I'll text you if he's not.

Viv, can you come here
for a second?

Hey. Quick question, how much
do you think our house is worth?

- Can you come?
- Also, hello.

Viv?

Sorry, I'm a little late.

I just had a quick drink
with Ennis after work.

A quick drink?
Wow. That must be so nice.

Good thing I got everything
under control.

Yeah. No need to check in
or answer my mom's phone calls.

Yeah. You know,
you have my phone.

Oh, right.

You have the white noise
machine.

All right. What about all
the emails marked urgent?

The last time your mother
sent me an email

marked urgent,
it was about quiche.

I need batteries, please.

My walkie-talkie is out.

Batteries are upstairs.
You and Felix gonna have

a little chitchat?

I use both
with different voices.

All right. Come on,
my little astronaut.

Hey. These are doors
that open and close.

There's no ice.

Tray's cold though.

Maybe we'll put the tray
in my water.

When you're on
the edge of a fight,

every annoyance feels
heightened.

Like empty toilet paper
rolls or an empty gas tank.

I put five dollars in.

That's enough to get
to the gas station.

You were at
the gas station.

Why didn't just put the--argh.

Anyway, you start
to keep score

of all the things
that piss you off.

The more points you have,

the more ammunition
there is for the next argument.

That's how
arguing about one thing

turns into fighting
about everything.

You could even
argue about the way

that you're arguing.

- So meta.
- It's an awful game

that no one wins.

Except for always me.

-Hi.
-Hey.

My mom said we
shouldn't go to bed angry.

My mom said she once saw a yeti.

My mom and Graham
wake up the exact

same time,
grinning at each other.

For some reason, that made me
think of the movie Hereditary.

Because it's disturbing.

-I'm tired.
-Me too.

I did the laundry. It was
your turn to make the bed.

I kind of had my hands full
while you had a quick beer.

Hey.

My phone cannot be
the family phone.

I don't wanna pick up
your socks.

You left crusty containers
in the sink for me

to wash and recycle
and I have to use

so much water to wash
and recycle them,

then it defeats the point
of washing and recycling them.

I don't wanna pick up
your socks.

I can't sleep.

Come on, baby. Get in.

-Yay.
-Okay. You know what?

Why don't I just sleep
in Viv's room?

-That's a great idea.
-You know what?

I might grab my phone
from the nursery on the way.

Another great idea.

Hey. Well, can you check
your email while you're at it?

Are you guys doing a play?

Just getting breakfast.

Mommy's loud before
she's had her coffee.

What about you guys?
Are you happy?

-I'm normal.
-I had an amazing sleep.

How good for you.

Hey, what do you think about
going to watch some cartoons?

-Yes.
-Oh, boy.

No, no. You're supposed
to clean your room

before you get
any screen time today.

Be nice if I knew that.

I'm not your assistant.
Go on upstairs.

Clean your half of the room
like you said you would.

Daddy, you promised I would
paint your nails this morning.

I know I promised that, sweetie,
but--you know what?

That sounds like a great idea.
Let's go do that.

Okay.

What should I be for Halloween?

Well, we only
have six months to decide.

So, do you wanna start a little
list?

How about a witch
covered in blood?

I'm not crazy about blood,

but I--I think witches are cool.

How about a gold medalist?

Yeah. That's a great idea.
I love it.

Covered in blood.

I saved the middle finger
for last

because I know what the means.

Go away.

Uh-huh.

Don't you like your nails?

Oh, are you kidding, baby girl?
Look at these.

Gorg!

Switch for me, sweetie pie.

Okay. Let me just...

-Mom, your phone.
-I hear it.

Is that one of those
air duct people again?

No.

Excuse me. How do you
make blood?

Your bones make blood.

-Read a book once in a while.
-I don't wanna read.

I want to be an Olympic witch
with blood.

Yeah, right.

You really think they would
let a witch play sports?

Let me do the thing I made up.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Let's just--guys,
why don't you play out front

for a second while your mother
and I have a conversation?

Go outside like daddy said,
but out back.

So, you seem to have a lot

of thoughts about
how I conduct myself.

No. I told you how the things
you sometimes do make me feel.

You're in therapy,
so, I feel like it's
an unfair advantage.

You should do therapy.

-It's great. It's normal.
-I wrote you a text.

I know it's normal.
I wrote you a text.

I would like to read it to you.

"Astrid, I know it's been
a tense couple of days

and it's been hard to take--"
that's typo--

"talk with the kiddos around.

When I was hopping--"
that's a typo--

"hoping to--yeah,
this whole thing is typos.

Also, it's covered
in nail polish.

Okay. I feel like you are
stressed and frustrated at work,

and then you come home
and take it out on the only

other adult in this house.

Yeah. You're right.

Thank you. That was hard to say.

You need to check in more.

You just do things,
and then you tell me

about it later,
and it's really frustrating.

I hear you. And I absolutely--

this is a bad time
and also a good time to say

that I booked an appraisal
with a real estate company.

What? James, when?

To--just soon, soon, soon.

Today.

Where's my phone?
I need to send another text.

It's the company that
Ennis's dad uses.

It's gonna be so
quick and so professional.

It's just like a quick in
and out.

Quick and profesh'.

Hi. Hi. Jen.

From when I told you
that you were pregnant,

remember me?

-Oh, my God.
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You're not pregnant again.
Well, that I know of.

I'm actually here because
I have my real estate license.

I'm sorry. How, how long
have you been doing this?

Oh, for months.

-But how, how many months?
-Four months.

Though, I did break my ankle
mini-golfing.

So, this is my first ever
"eval."

I saw your name
and your address.

I said I knew you.

Let's slap a price tag
on this townhouse.

-Semi-detached.
-Oh.

Price just went up.
It's that easy.

Just a... just the one
bathroom?

Yeah. It's real cozy.

Is there a second toilet
somewhere?

Do we have a toilet just out

in the middle
of a room somewhere? No.

Okay-dokay.

What are you doing?

Well you said that we'd
explore this together.

We are gonna be
exploring PTSD remedies.

Moving with three kids,
the--the boxes,

the packing, the unpacking,
my job?

It's too much for us to handle
right now.

Okay.

Honestly, your home has doubled
in value since you bought it.

Doubled the amount,
in, like, money?

Oh, yeah. I mean,
a good area, parking spot.

The market's detached
from reality.

Three bedrooms.

I mean, I knew we would--
we would be up there.

I just didn't know we--we were
sitting on a giant pile of
money.

Okay. Okay.

But now, imagine what
a bigger house is gonna cost.

Unless you leave the city.
So, I--I've got a house.

It's--it's about to come up
on the market.

Big yard, a room for every kid,

and an office or a massage room.
It's your call.

We're gonna--we'll mull it over.

-I--yeah. Thank you.
-Yeah, mull that over.

No. Absolutely. But mull this?

And this is--okay.

-How much--
-Wow.

-How much is that?
-Oh, it's within your budget.

I mean, unless
you owe somebody money.

Been there. Still there.

Anyways, it goes up tomorrow.

You wanna see it first?

Um...

-Okay.
-Oh, my gosh.

This is so exciting. Yes.

Oh. Do you guys wanna
maybe carpool to save on gas,

or should I get another Uber?

Drive wasn't terrible.

Thought it would take
two Scoot McDooby albums

to get here,
but it barely took one.

Well, it's 10:00 AM
on a Saturday.

In rush hour, we need
the entire Scoot catalogue
and the mix tape.

Maybe I could work
virtual-from-home full-time.

And am I just supposed
to commute every day or...

I don't know.
But--but I mean,
there's a lot of reasons

to say no to something big.

But look at this place.
Look at it.

-Tag. You're it.
-Oh, kids, be careful.

Watch out for the...

bees.

Okay. So, the owners said
that they'll wait outside

while you look around.

They just ask that you
don't take any pictures

of the artwork and don't take
anything from the fridge.

Kids, let's go pretend
we live here for a minute.

So, closet space,
storage space in the basement,

massage room, beautiful
in-ground pool for the kids.

And the seller is motivated.

Yeah. She certainly seems
interested in our walkthrough.

Hey, get! Get! So sorry.

She can be a bit much,
but she has a beautiful home.

I love the--
I wanna say cheetahs.

That's actually a leopard.

You can tell by the rosettes.

I get the better room.

- Which one's better?
- The one you want.

I'm just gonna make sure
they don't go into one closet.

Definitely taking pictures
of these paintings.

Imagine Felix, Viv,
and Morris growing up here.

-Did you just call him Morris?
-Andrew. Sorry,

Andrew growing up here,

biking through
the neighborhood, the quiet.

Hold up.

This is Jen's parents' place.

What?

She painted these warped cats.

That's crazy.

Almost as crazy as staying
in her current home

instead of selling it,
moving here happy

and safe
and pocketing a ton of money.

I'm not moving
into Jen's parents' house.

I don't want Viv
growing up in Jen's bedroom,

and finding her diary
in the floorboards,

and then painting weird
pictures of cats.

Stop writing a creepy YA
novel about this house.

If you grow up in this house,
it don't end well.

How do you even--look,
this house is everything
we could ever want.

-What are you talk--
-And look--

We haven't even been upstairs.

It could be crawling
with mice or asbestos.

Are you just gonna leave--sorry.

What do I have to do to get
you to close a cupboard door?

I do close it
after I put everything away

so I don't have to do it twice.

You didn't put anything in there
or take anything out.

That time I forgot.

You know what you do?

You leave all your beard
trimmings in the bathroom sink.

And just so you know,
the toilet paper needs

a Chelsea, not a mullet.

-What is a Chelsea?
-The paper

hangs forward like a Chelsea.

That doesn't explain
to me what a Chelsea is.

Look, you brush all your hair
into the corner of the tub.

Also, what is cheese grater
thing

in the shower
that's taking up all that space?

For the last time, Google it.

That's how you do that.

Nice, nice, nice moves.

Nice moves. Get it. Get it.

Get it. Hit it. Kick it.
Stick it.

All right, kids.

Go burn off some energy
before the ride back.

Run to the end of the block.

Dad, you wanna burn some energy?

I burnt all mine in 2010.
You go ahead.

I think I feel obligated
to explore buying a house

because you never shut down
the baby conversation.

Yeah. And I feel like
when you feel obligated

to do something,
you don't do it.

Good observation.

True.

But, you know, you stayed with
the baby conversation and now,

we have a little more--
more to love in terms of kids.

Mmm... And you were right
about the baby.

I love this baby.

It might be my favorite baby.

Don't tell the others.

But you were also right
about the baby because,

three is a lot harder.

I just feel like I'm failing
sometimes.

I feel like I'm failing
all the time.

But this house might help.

It's less mortgage, more space.

I could work from home.

Maybe.

I could convince the homeowner
to knock the price down a bit.

Hi!

Hello.

How much could she
knock it down?

Let me put some booze
in her coffee and find out.

Love is close
to anger.

The people you're closest
to are the ones that get

under your skin the most.

First and best.

- No.
- And tallest.

-No, you're not.
-Yes, I am.

-Okay. Okay.
-All right.

-Let's just--okay, guys--
-Let's--we'll take it down
a notch.

In a family,
feelings are bound to get hurt,

- buttons pushed.
- Oh, my God.

Socks left on the floor.

My feet have
been getting really hot.

But--but, no, that's not
your problem.

I'll work on it.

If you don't want
your kids to see you fight,
you gotta decide

when to let it slide
and when to have it out.

'Cause a s hard as those
conversations are to have,

some great things
come from them.

- Hi, Jen.
- Hi.

Hi. We're--we're ready
to make an offer.

Pinch me.
Am I dreaming? I don't know.

And then,
you go to bed not angry.

Like your mom
and her boyfriend.

I don't wanna
picture that, James.

- Sorry. Sorry.
- I forgive you.

♪ I love my kids,
but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ I love my kids,
but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ No more sleeping in ♪

♪ I got kids in my face ♪

♪ I never knew,
but now I see ♪

♪ Children ruin everything ♪

♪ I never knew,
but now I see ♪

♪ I really hate this sh...♪