All language subtitles for Children.Ruin.Everything.S02E08.720p.HDTV.x264-GalaxyTV

- They're all available?
- Beauty.

Available for what?

You guys all know
I'm a shutterbug right?

Have you seen my website,
Instagraham?

Yeah. No, we tried
to look you up on Instagram.

- No, no.
- No, no. "Instagraham"

like his name. There's an H.

H. I used to only wanna
photograph birds of prey.

And then I met your mom

and she got me
turned on to humans.

Well.

We have a surprise.

-Please don't get married.
-Dawn.

Oh, no, no. Don't worry.
Don't worry, kids.

I'm not trying to hitch my cart
to the family mule.

Oh, you.

Oh, my God. Actually,
gave me some goose bumps.

He's starting
a portrait business

and he wants to shoot us first.

Shoot me now.

I just need some
beautiful photos

of a beautiful family
for my ads.

Mommy, Daddy, look what
Corey gave me to keep forever.

Wow, Corey.

That's gonna be
in our house now.

Yeah.

During the first years
of your child's life,

you are their everything.

Yes. But at a certain
point, your kids get inspired

by classmates, friends,
TV, video games,

bleh, cousins.

And that's it.
They are no longer yours.

But, hey, at least
it's a two-way street.

Corey said that Viv advised
him to hold his breath

until I let him
try cotton candy.

-Yeah.
-That is Viv. Yeah.

She got a coloring book
out of Mom using that one.

You weren't there.
It was scary.

Hey, Viv,
I bet Corey will get a big kick

out of borrowing
your tambourine.

Wonderful.

Corey thinks
Felix seems withdrawn.

I asked him if he wanted
to fly my drone and he was...

-unresponsive.
-Oh, yeah.

He's been a little sad since
his friend, Ab, moved away.

I fell in my face while
putting on pants this morning.

He barely cracked a smile.

Really?

It's so funny
when you hurt yourself,

Felix is a quiet,
sensitive child.

Uh-doy. Thanks, Dawn,

for explaining
my firstborn to me.

What should I feed him?
Dirt and feathers?

Okay. You know, I'm actually
gonna check on him right now.

Maybe also take a peek
at that drone, Corey.

Terrible news.
My friend, Brenda,

with the varicose veins
is in crisis.

-Who?
-Brenda. Skinny head,

bushy eyebrows.
She needs my emotional support.

Did she overhear you
describing her?

She is being sued
by her condo board.

But I have so many things
to pick up for this photo shoot.

Can I count on you girls
to take over?

Well, sadly,
I have work and kids.

And tomorrow I'm taking Corey

to the botanical garden
after school.

But then, yes, after,
I can get the stuff.

Oh, I can always
count on you, darling.

It's mostly just a tripod,
some lenses,

-and a few taxidermy animals.
-What?

And, oh, yeah,
the theme is maroon.

And make sure
you cover the upholstery

in your car with something.

They may be dead but those
talons still have some fight.

Thank you. Thank you.

Felix, why don't you eat
those uh, those happy pancakes?

We gotta go.

The face reminds me of Ab.

He smiled like this
all the time.

Yeah. I know
you miss Ab, honey.

Do your--do your other
friends miss him, too?

Ab was my only friend.

- Ha...
- Felix,

how do you like my warts?

That's funny.

Viv, eat your warts.
We gotta go.

-Mom?
-Yeah?

Can I bring Metal Man
to school?

Uh, yeah. Sure.
Of course you can, bud.

Thank you.

Hey, Felix, what do you say
we skip the bus today

and you ride with me to school?

-Sure.
-Yeah?

You, me, and Ennis,
three cool guys.

If he starts telling
dating stories,

we'll just remind him
that you're nine.

Oh, the sounds
of children playing.

It's making my eyes water.

The frequency's
too high or something.

Let's get out of here.
Hey, have a good day, Felix.

Just give me one second.

Hey, listen to me.
I wanna tell you something.

I know you're sad about Ab.

You're a great kid.

I know you're gonna
make new friends.

But I don't know how.

Just say hi.
Just start a conversation.

This Metal Man is an icebreaker.

Guys love talking
about action men.

Including girls.
Girls are also guys.

Everybody's guys.

Okay. Come here.
You got this. Love you.

I love you, too.

You got this, kiddo.

Bye, Dad.

Oh.

Is it like that every day?
It's like he's going off to war.

He's fighting
the battle of loneliness.

A war that'll last
your whole life.

After I give you a lift,
I got a front row ticket

to a Pixar movie.

What are you guys talking?

They look a little old, buddy.

How can you tell?
They all look seven to me.

Hey, why are we still here?

I just wanna see how
he interacts with other kids.

How much of raising your kid
is just spying on them?

Ten percent.

- What?
- Hey. Hey. Check that kid out.

Be better. Not cool, bro.

You know, I kind of feel like
this is what you'll be doing

if you were a ghost.

I'll not be haunting my son.

I'd travel. I'd see the world.

You don't think that's worse?

Lonely ghost dad
backpacking through Europe.

Oh, not The Buddy-Bench.

-Come on.
-What is The Buddy-Bench?

It's a bench.
They put kids on the bench

and it means you're
supposed to play with the kids

but it's actually
the kiss of death.

Oh, yeah. The Buddy Bench.

Oh, now,
they got this momo with him.

Do you believe
they put this kid with my kid?

Oh, here we go.
This looks promising.

Yeah.

What?

Are you serious?

Hey. Hey, kid.
Come here. Come here.

-See that boy?
-Okay.

-You see that boy right there?
-Maybe don't do this.

-It's not the best look.
-Huh?

Hey. Back away from the fence.

-Just include him.
-All right. Okay.

Hey, you know, not everybody's
good at ball hockey!

-Sir!
-Some lunches
just smell different.

- Sir.
- You're projecting, buddy.

- Okay.
- Bye, bye, bye.

-There's the whistle. Come on.
-We're going.

Now, are you sure
you have maroon?

I don't know. Is this maroon?

-That's more of an oxblood.
-What is with the maroon?

Why are we doing this?
Are we having a photo shoot

-or are we in a cult?
-It's part of the vision,

which means
I have to make it happen.

By the way, you were right
about Felix not making friends.

Oh, I recognize the signs.

Because of Corey?

What? No.

Corey is the Zack Morris
of his Montessori.

He's a great conversationalist

and I'm actively working
on a sense of humor.

Oh, you are?

You are.

How?

By making flashcards
of New Yorker cartoons.

He has five seconds
to capture each one.

Oh, yeah.
That's how Kevin Hart did it.

Who?

I just wish
I could help Felix.

I don't really know how

'cause I felt like I had loads
of friends growing up.

You did.

And I had the pleasure
of living in your shadow.

Come on. You had friends-ish.

Well, Mom was my friend.

And I was very well liked at...

the orthodontist.

Well, you give a dentist
eight grand,

they're not not gonna like you.

Oh.

Field hockey jersey.
Number three.

Number three! Number three!

Remember?

I remember trying
to wash that thing. Oh.

Making sure your shin pads
were in your bag.

Holding you back
when you screamed at the ref.

There's no maroon here.

I'll just go shopping
for everyone.

Okay. Oh, God.

Those refs were so scared of me.

It was wonderful.

Felix, did you remember

to bring Metal Man
back from school?

Oh, my new friend, Gus,
borrowed him.

-Gus.
-You have a friend.

-A friend. A new friend.
-What is he like?

Well, he's a guy.
He's funny and cool.

-Good.
-Love him.

-Good.
-Sounds--he's both of them.

He sounds really good.

Why don't you--why don't you
maybe invite him

over this weekend
for a play date?

- Okay. I'll ask him.
- Yeah.

Okay. And, and, and if he says
that he can't,

it's 'cause
he's got other plans.

It's not 'cause of you
because you're fantastic.

Be cool. Be cool.

Come on.
I'll show you my room.

Oh, James, Gus is here.

-Hey. Hi.
-I didn't hear you come in.

How are you?

Your parents still here?
We'd love to meet them.

They had to jet.

They're presidents of companies.

Are you guys presidents
of anything?

We're presidents
of this house.

My dad is the president
of Adidas.

-Yeah.
-The sports brand.

-Okay.
-His mom is the president

of the ice cream
that is three ice creams.

His mom is the president
of Neapolitan ice cream.

His family is very big
into stripes.

-Apparently.
-Anyhoo, welcome to our home.

How much is it worth?

The home?

Yeah, I'm not sure how much
the home is worth.

But you know
what is worth noting?

Spaghetti for dinner.

Spaghetti's puke.

He always says puke.

It's his word for stuff
that's dumb and bad.

I can see how
that's a good joke.

Recorders are for babies.

Yeah. They're for babies.

Spaghetti is not puke.

Okay.
So, you have your maroon shirt.

Now, I have to go see
a man named Chet

about more dramatic taxidermy,

unless you can swing
by en route to the park.

Our car is kind of full
without a fox corpse.

Can you do it?

- No problem.
- Heads up.

Gus has asked if we have

parental controls
on our internet.

-Oh, my God.
-Oh, how's Felix's new friend?

He told me I was cute
and then asked how big

the diamond was on my ring.

He's precocious.

He told me that Felix
gave him Metal Man,

which, uh, is impossible,

but he's got Felix wrapped
around his little puke finger.

Oh.

Could I cut my shirt
like Felix's?

What do you mean like Felix's?
Felix, get down here.

- Hey.
- Felix, what did you do

-to your shirt?
-Oh, me and Gus

made it a tank top.
I wear tank tops now.

That was for the photo shoot.

Oh, I didn't know.

No, no. It's fine sweetie.

Just another stop along the way.

I'll go do that now.

Dawn.

Felix wants me to sleep over.

Ooh.

James.

He looked so sad yesterday.
Now, look at him.

-You have to ask your parents.
-I already did.

-Puke-arama.
-Puke-arama.

- Pounding.
- Oh, I hate it.

etty enthusiastic

when I called to confirm
the sleepover.

Apparently, Gus already had
his PJs packed in his backpack.

Convenient, no?

What are you suggesting
that Gus' family

is running some sort
of sleepover grift?

Oh, I think they made
dinner reservations

before they even
dropped him off.

He's mean and he
taught me how to do this.

Stop. No, don't do that.

Listen, honey,
just don't hang out

with Felix's friend anymore
and work on your recorder case,

okay? Okay.

Ab was so sweet with his
"pweese" and his "thank you."

Boys are just jerks
when they're together sometimes.

Um, do you think
that I saddled Dawn

with too much work
for this photo shoot?

I feel like she's done
like everything.

What do you mean?
Didn't she offer?

As much as I'd love
to stay and help you

with that absolute troll,

I really feel like
I should go give her a hand.

Oh, yeah.

Go.

Remember the sacrifice
I made for you here today.

Don't tell me what to do.

I love you.

Thank you!

Okay. I get it.
You're mad at me

because I left you
to do all the shopping.

I'm not mad.

Well, you're making me
carry these.

Well, Chet said to keep
them out of the sun.

We couldn't just
leave them in the car.

Look, Felix didn't have a friend

and then he had too much friend,

and Viv had a school assignment,
and Andrew was...

Yeah. Of course. You're busy.

You do what you gotta do
and I do the rest.

That's always been our deal.

Always is a little much, no?

I mean, it's just one dumb
to-do list for Mom.

After her divorce, who helped
Mom with the cleaning,

the laundry, the house repairs?

Oh, my God, Dawn.

I fixed the bathroom door
that one time.

It's fine. You were younger.

Mom needed help,
so that was my job.

It wasn't your job, all right?

You just held us together
like an awkward

teen butler
because you're amazing.

And I, I don't think
I appreciated it then

but I see it now.

Look, the color scheme is stupid
and you've done enough.

So, I'm gonna call Mom and
I'll just tell her to forget it.

Good luck.

Hello? Nisha here.

Cute.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

It's Graham. Here you go.

- Hello?
- Should I call back later?

Oh, no, Beta.

He's gonna be here all night.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, stop.

We're having
a wonderful time together.

Hey, listen, I'm gonna go
check that wasp nest.

You can talk.
I think it's getting bigger

and I don't want
my cinnamon bun getting stung.

No. I don't want my little
cream puff getting stung.

- Nasty.
- I think Graham's finding it

awkward to get in
with the family.

-Yeah.
We're all feeling that way.

I know he seems
like a big, tough, muscular guy

and he is, but he's also
a very muscular artist

that I picked up.

Well, that's great.

He's a lucky guy. Okay.

So, why maroon?

Oh, you remember
that maroon quilt

that I used to wrap
you girls up in?

Well, I think of that blanket

whenever I think
of my love for my family.

I'm grateful my girls
are helping me with this.

Yeah. Of course, Mom. Yes.

- We'll see you tomorrow.
- Okay. Bye.

Ah! What do you think?

Does it come in maroon?

I'm still buying it.

Felix!

Can I help you?

May I speak with Felix, please?

I'll see if he's in.

Gus says you wanted to see me.

-Yeah.
-Is there a problem, gentlemen?

Did you put Viv's
recorder in the toilet?

Just for a second.

It doesn't matter
how many seconds.

We're starting a prank show.

Viv will get paid
when it blows up.

Okay. Be honest with me.

Is Gus pressuring you
to act like him?

Just wink or nod

or do nothing and I will find
a reason to send him home.

No. He's staying.

He's gonna show me
how to make fireworks.

- Okay. Let's do this.
- Let's do this.

Tomorrow's gonna be
a nightmare.

-I'm already grumpy.
-It's already tomorrow.

- What's the Wi-Fi password?
- Go to bed!

Go to bed!

I think I got maybe
an hour of sleep last night.

We can do this.

-I believe in us.
-Uh-huh.

Yup, yup, yup. All we have to do
is let light reflect

off our bodies into a camera
and we'll be good.

Are you awake enough to drive?

I'll be fine
once we get there.

Okay. I'll see you out there.
Hey, Felix, let's go.

Time to get ready.
Get some clothes on, buddy.

What?

What'd you do?

It wasn't us.

Felix, go wash that off.
We don't have time for this.

We tried already.

What, what do you--
this is permanent marker?

Gus thinks a ghost did it.

I felt an energy last night.

Do you feel an energy
right now, my dude?

He's not lying.

-Yes. He's lying.
-He's lying.

-He's a liar, man.
-This guy's a liar.

He's been lying ever since
he stepped foot in this house.

His parents are not presidents
of multinationals.

-No.
-Nor does his aunt

own the fastest bridge
in the world.

-Think, Felix, think--
-That's not--how is--

That's not even a thing.

Does that make--just break
that down for one second.

You--put it
in the works, man.

He can't harness the wind.

-He's never been shot.
-Yet.

You did not give him
your Metal Man,

even though
he said that you did.

Felix, he did it.

-He did it.
-He did it.

You're wrong.

I did give it to him.

Felix is my only friend.

Why are you doing this?

Why are you making him cry?

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I know. I know. I feel awful.

- I know.
- But he's a monster.

He did do that to the face.

Whoa, whoa. What was that?

Show us your hands.

We got the wrong monster.

What?

Today, Daddy and I
were wrong to accuse Gus,

even if all the signs
in the world

pointed to him
being the culprit.

We owe Gus a big apology.

Viv, what were you trying
to write on Gus' face?

A hex.

Where did you learn
about hexes?

The radio.

What station?

- I'm still sad, you know?
- Yes.

-Right.
-Gus, we are very,

very, very sorry.

Apology accepted... not!

I can't believe you guys
wrecked my only friend.

Okay. Gus. Gus, look at me.

We are so sorry,

and as a token of our regret,
what can we offer you?

What can we do
to make this better?

Well...

-Blech.
-Oh, no.

Perfect.

There they are.

What have they done
to themselves?

Oh, my God.

-You've been graffitied.
-Oh, relax, Mom.

We're simply paying the price

for misjudging Felix's friend,
Gus,

who is excellent.

His parents
are letting him stay

for a double sleepover
this weekend.

The dublé. The Michael dublé.

Yup, yup, yup, yup.

First, Corey shows up
in a costume and now this?

He's marooned, Mom.

Can we applaud
his humor and wit, please?

You're a riot, my love.

You know, I was hoping
you would make an effort

from my sake to make
Graham feel welcome,

but I guess that
was too much to ask.

Mom, while you were traipsing
with the varicose veins

or bushy brows
or shaggy shoulders...

Her name is Brenda
and she's weird.

Dawn was the only one
making an effort for our family,

like she always does.

- Oh, hey, guys.
- Hi.

Hi. Oh, yeah.

Hey. Oh, hey, the beginning
stages of being a juggalo.

-Very nice.
-They're a mess. Let's cancel.

No, no. Why? Why?

I'm all about the freedom
of expression, darling.

No one gets cancelled
on my watch.

The things, the faces tell us
when the mouths won't. Deep.

Ready to dig? I am.
Digging. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

What are you doing?

-What are you doing?
-Dig, dig--

Oh, my God.

Oh, look at-- oh, no, no.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

You're my little
warrior princess.

-Oh, you're my Bunny Wunny.
-My little warrior princess.

You're my wild bunny.

-Yeah, no, I'm not doing that.
-Okay.

-It'd be great.
-Okay.

Oh, yeah.

I drew a head.

We're constantly trying to

see ourselves in our kids.

We're always saying,
"He's just like me,"

or, "She's her father's
daughter."

It's a little pathetic.

Yeah. It's like we need
to see our legacy live on,

even if our legacy is flat feet
and thinking olives are gross.

But children
are shaped by all kinds

of outside of people
and experiences

and crap.
It's--it's terrifying.

But whether
we like to admit it or not,

children are their own people.

Not just our cute,
funny, high maintenance pets.

Except when they're babies.
Babies are pets.

Everybody, thank you so much.

Got some incredible snaps.

Why don't we do one more?

Yeah? Come on.

Three, two, one.

Yeah!

s.

Um, but doctor,
I didn't study for this.

Brilliant.

Um, cheer up, buddy.

There's plenty of fish
in the sea.

That's very funny,
my little heartbreaker.

This TV sucks.

It's stuck on the same frame.

I mean, it's like watching
a live Netflix Special.

-It really is. It really is.
-Yeah.

♪ I love my kids
but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ I love my kids
but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ I almost sleep
in their head ♪

♪ I got kids in my head ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see
children ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see,
I really hate this... ♪