All language subtitles for The.Love.Boat.S01E01.The.Captain.and.the.Lady.One.If.by.Land.Centerfold.1080p.PMTP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BTN_track3_[eng]

[theme music]

THEME SONG: Love,
exciting and new.

Come aboard, we're
expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest
reward, let it flow.

It floats back to you.

Love boat, soon will
be making another run.

The love boat promises
something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure,
your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile
on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard, it's love.

What a great day.

Terrific.

Good morning, captain.

Good morning, captain.

For you, maybe.

Will you get a haircut?

Yes, sir.

Is it my imagination,
or is Captain

Stubing in a rotten mood?

He's in a rotten mood, but
I think I know the reason.

Aubrey and Mrs. Skogstad?

Yeah, he's one of the
directors of the ship's line.

They're sailing with us today.

Ewh, remind me to make an
appointment with the barber.

Ah, make an appointment
with the barber.

Thank you, I
almost forgot to make

an appointment with the barber.

Here they come out
of the starting gate.

Morning.

I can walk, you dumbo.

We are Mr. And
Mrs. Aubrey Skogstad.

Oh, Mr. Skogstad,
we've been expecting you.

It's an honor.

And Mrs. Skogstad,
how nice to meet you.

You're in cabin 348.

That's on the promenade
deck, cabin 348.

It's right here on my list.

No problems here.

Well, Mr. Skogstad, sir,
I'm Yeoman Purser Smith,

and if there's
anything that I can

do to make your voyage a little
bit more pleasurable, please

don't hesitate to contact me.

I'm here to serve.

Lord, I love an
obsequious runt.

We will see you in
our cabin in one hour.

You can leave the Shirley
Temple routine outside.

Aubrey?

This is going to
be such a fun voyage.

JULIE: Good morning,
welcome aboard.

Hello, welcome aboard.

Ginny!

Ginny, how could
you do this to me?

Ginny!

Ginny, come back here.

I love you.

Don't leave me, woman.

Come back here.

Excuse me, Ginny O'Brien.

Oh, OK.

Oh, yes, O'Brien, A114.

Welcome aboard, Miss O'Brien.

Don't let her
stay on the boat.

She's got [inaudible].

Don't go.

Uh, sir--

Hi.

Oh, hi.

I'm Lorraine Hoffman.

Well, I guess we're
uh, cabin mates.

Is anything wrong?

No, there was a
man after me, I--

Congratulations.

Does he have a friend?

Sir?

Excuse me, sir, are you
a passenger on the ship?

No, but I'm looking for one.

Ginny O'Brien.

Well, I'm sorry,
sir, no more visitors.

We're just about to sail.

Yeah, but I got to see
her just for a minute.

Hey, fella, I'd like to help
you out, but rules are rules.

Hey, I'm sure a
man of your stature

can do something, captain.

Do a little something to
help me in this predicament.

Captain?

Aye, aye.

OK, but just for a minute.

Just for a minute, right.

A114.

A114, thank you
very much, skipper.

Aye, aye.

How is everything, captain?

Oh, fine sailor, shipshape.

Sir?

Uh, well, sir, what
happened was um, this man--

well, it was just for
a minute, sir, and I--

well, it's good public
relations, wouldn't you say?

No, I wouldn't.

Well, you're the captain.

Yes, I am.

See, I knew one of us was.

I just always get us mixed up.

Well, I'll return to my post.

Yes.

Don't you-- do you just
want to get away from it all?

Uh huh.

I don't think I'm gonna
be a real fun cabin mate.

Oh, well that's
OK, uh, just as long

as you're willing to
take a little stroll

around the deck in case I happen
to be entertaining a gentleman

friend?

Oh, sure.

No problem.

That's good.

I'll do the same for you.

Shazam.

Hey, uh, wait a
second, we were just

getting the rules straight.

Ronald, I told you I didn't
want to see you anymore.

I don't care.

I can't let you go.

You mean too much to me.

Not enough to get married.

RONALD: Hey, now what's this
big thing about getting married?

You know, we've been
happily living together

for the past two years.

Do you have to advertise it?

Oh, uh, that's OK.

Nobody's listening.

Who are you?

Lorraine Hoffman.

Lorraine is my cabin mate.

Oh, wow, now look at this--

you're willing to share
your bedroom with her

and not be married.

Why not me?

ANNOUNCER: Last call, all
visitors ashore, please.

Heh heh, well, that's our cue.

The boat will be
leaving in a minute.

It only takes a
minute to say I do.

And it only takes a
second to say I don't.

Goodbye, Ronald.

Aw, now, come on, Ginny.

People in love today
don't get married.

It spoils the relationship.

See, the thing today is freedom.

Didn't you see "Roots?"

Yes, but I want to start
a family, not trace one.

It took us 300 years
to get our freedom.

You want me to give mine up now?

Freedom?

You're just afraid to make
a commitment, that's all.

Do you know what
your problem is?

You're immature
and irresponsible.

[scoffs] Immature
and irresponsible?

Me, who owns his own
exterminating company?

And I am listed in
the yellow pages.

Goodbye, Ronald.

But I don't understand.

Then let me put it in
words you will understand.

Bug off.

You look very nice today.

I have to go up to
Mrs. Skogstad's cabin.

Would you hold the fort for me?

I'd rather hold the fort
than face the Indians.

Uh, excuse me, please.

Is there a news stand on board?

There's one in the gift
shop, but it's closed.

Uh, well, what
time does it open?

9:00 in the morning.

I-- I need a friend.

Can I help?

Would you mind?

My name is Sandy Rytell.

Julie McCoy.

Hi.

Julie, you see that
man over there?

That's my fiance,
Congressman Brockway.

A long time ago, before
I ever met him, I--

I posed for a picture
in a magazine.

Uh huh.

No, I-- I mean, I posed
for a picture in a magazine.

Oh.

Oh!

Just you and a bear skin rug?

No rug, just--
just the bare skin.

Uh, terrific.

All this time and it's never
surfaced, until they found out

I was engaged to Brad, and--

And it's coming out now.

Yeah.

And when it hits
the stand, he's--

he's just gonna go--
go through the roof.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I talked him into a cruise to
get him away from newsstands

and "Kitten Magazine."

Uh, Sandy, the newsstand
carries "Kitten Magazine."

That's what I was afraid of.

Well, I'll just be there at
9 o'clock in the morning,

and if I'm not, I guess
Miss Jones is going

to be busting out all over.

Sandy?

Sweetheart.

Excuse me.

BRAD: Is that the
people from your hotel?

Hello.

CROWD: Bye, bye.

[cheering]

Come in.

Yes, sir.

Good morning again, sir, again.

What's good about it?

Well, it's nice to
hear your growl again.

Don't be so
saccharine, Miss McCoy.

It makes me feel
that I'm watching

a Shirley Temple movie.

Now, what do you want?

Well, first I'd like to
figure out what everybody's

got against Shirley Temple.

Miss McCoy.

Well, sir, I don't
know if you're aware,

but one of the
directors of the line--

Aubrey Skogstad,
painfully aware.

Um, there's a slight problem.

Only slight?

That's a surprise.

Well, um, um--

Miss McCoy, if you
say um one more time,

I'll have you keelhauled.

Now, what is your problem?

Well, um-- uh--

I invited Mr. and Mrs. Skogstad
to have dinner with you tonight

at your table, and--

Don't tell me.

Mrs. Skogstad said
that she would

be delighted to dine
at the captain's table

if I eat someplace else.

Right.

I expected as much
from that woman.

Well, then there's no problem.

On the good ship lollipop.

I guess Stubing
decided discretion

was the better part of valor.

If the director's wife says she
doesn't want you at her table,

then you eat alone in your room.

You didn't see the
look on his face.

He'll be here.

I told you he'd show.

Maybe he didn't like
the company in his room.

Ladies, gentlemen, Stacy.

Merrill.

Mr. Skogstad, it's a
pleasure to welcome you aboard.

I'm speaking for my entire crew.

I got your joke message.

I was serious.

[laughs] I am the captain.

This is the captain's table.

The captain sits at
the captain's table.

It's not a question
of title, bozo,

it's a question of
who has the muscle.

Aubrey has the muscle,
and I'm with Aubrey.

I see.

I wish you wouldn't
call me bozo.

Lord, I hate a sweaty
forehead on a bald man.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's been a pleasure,

but I have duties on the bridge.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening.

He didn't lose his temper.

He's handling it very well.

Yeah, well, it would
take a lot more than this

to rattle our captain.

[screams]

Good evening.

[knocking]

10 o'clock.

Oh, uh, who is it?

Brad?

Oh, Brad, I can
explain everything.

There's-- there's this girl,
she could be my double.

You just never--

I know, you overslept.

You're lucky you
were a passenger

on Captain Stubing's crew.

When you oversleep,
you're overboard.

Got them for you.

Oh, Julie, how can
I ever thank you?

Forget it.

But Sandy, if you don't mind
my asking, how could you--

Pose for a centerfold?

Oh, it's a long story.

I was in law school.

The tuition was
costing a fortune.

Thank you.

And I wanted to eat, so I got
a dark wig, used a phony name,

and just prayed no one
would ever find out.

Julie, I don't want to
lose Brad over this.

I mean, he's the best thing
that ever happened to me.

But he's gonna find out when
you get back to Los Angeles.

I mean, you're going to have to
deal with it sooner or later.

Better later than sooner.

Well, I'd better
get back to work.

Well, thank you for getting
all the copies for me.

Well, I got all the
copies they had left.

How many did they sell?

Three.

How am I going
to ever find them?

It's going to be like looking
for a needle in a haystack.

Don't worry, I have a clue.

What?

All the buyers were men.

STACY: I have never
seen an operation

run more inefficiently.

Well, I wouldn't
say inefficiently.

What would you say?

Boy, I'm not quite sure.

Um, uh, maybe I could get
back to you next week.

The passenger list is
an indecipherable mess.

Now, ma'am, uh, wait a minute.

I'm sorry about those two
typographical errors, really.

Is my face red?

Boy, captain Stubing is--

Don't interrupt.

Your safe was unlocked.
- It was empty.

Your desk was
littered with papers.

That's paperwork.

And you need a haircut.

Huh.

Well, believe me, you can
never have enough baskets,

and Puerto Vallarta
has the best.

Not anymore.

You've got them all now.

What do you plan to
do with them anyway?

Oh, the same thing
I did with the ones

last year, put
them in the attic.

Can you make it?

Uh, I think so.

Here, let me help you.

Uh, thanks.

Uh, uh, uh-- you don't think
I bought too much jewelry,

do you?

No, besides, if you
ever get tired of it,

you can melt it all down
and make yourself a car.

Uh huh.

Guess who's coming to dinner.

Buenos dias mamma.

I don't believe it.

What should I do?

How should I act?

Play it cool, now.

Just play cool.

Ha ha.

Ronald, don't tell you
flew all the way down here.

Nope, I was just coming
to get my car washed.

You must really
love me, Ronald,

to follow me this far, huh?

You bet I do.

But, I know somebody
doesn't love you.

Who?

Lady who lives in LA waiting
for me to kill her termites.

Ronald, you know what you
always say about termites.

Right, don't worry
about your termites, lady,

because when your house
falls, it'll kill them.

How romantic,
just think of it--

one of these days, I'll be
able to tell our children

that their daddy came
all the way to Mexico

and swept me off my feet.

Children?

Daddy?

[clears throat] Check, please.

Ronald, do you mean
to tell me you didn't

come down here to propose?

Uh, I came down here
to propose that we uh,

keep living together.

But I want to wear a white
dress and walk down the aisle.

Well, you can wear a
white dress next time

we walk down the aisle
at the supermarket.

No, look, I'm tired
of going to parties

and being introduced as
Ronald Baker and Ginny.

I'm tired of having both
our names on the mailbox.

And I'm especially
tired of us each having

a charge account at the grocer.

Hey, that's no problem.

We'll just use your
charge account.

The absolute worst thing
is even after two years,

when we go to your
parents' house,

your mother still
gives me dirty looks.

That's just your imagination.

She doesn't even know
we're living together.

What?

You never even told them?

Uh, I guess it just
kind of slipped my mind.

See?

Even you're ashamed of it.

How would you feel if
your father and mother

were living together?

They are living together.

But they're married.

Ronald, you're hopeless.

ANNOUNCER: Last call, all
visitors ashore, please.

Goodbye.

You've got to get off the boat.

Well, you just missed
the boat yourself,

mamma, the USS Black
Prince, [inaudible]

the ghettos and beyond.

We've got a good cuisine, too--

chitlins, spare
ribs, pork chops.

You're gonna miss all
that candied yams,

collard greens, turnips,
everything, yammy mammies, too.

These should help.

Just munch on a
couple when you feel

that burning in your stomach.

It must be rewarding to see
me reduced to a quivering hulk.

No, not at all, sir.

Oh, please, I know.

The crew was
enjoying, this seeing

me rolling over
and playing dead,

groveling, acting
like a whipped cur.

Mrs. Skogstad's
really getting to you.

You had to bring her up?

She'd like to see
me buried at sea.

Oh, come now,
captain, Mrs. Skogstad?

Why'd she want to do that?

She's a perfect stranger.

She's not perfect,
and she is no stranger.

I was married to that
woman for 17 years.

You and she?

Boggles the mind, doesn't it?

In the beginning--
in the beginning,

we were two young people
incredibly in love.

She was beautiful,
sweet, loving.

I was handsome, kind, adoring.

Then, like many other
men, I took a mistress.

Ah.

Immense, mysterious,
overpowering.

I've always liked
the big ones, too.

I'm talking about the sea.

Oh.

Stacy wanted me to become
a captain of industry.

Instead, I became
a captain of ships,

and Stacy became a bitter woman.

There just wasn't
enough room in my life

for both her and the sea.

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

No, it's all right.

You know, I think she would
have put up with everything else

if she hadn't hated
her name so much.

Stacy?

Stubing.

Stacy Stubing?

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, so sorry.

Hey, you took the best part.

We'll be docking soon.

You'll love Cabo San Lucas.

Oh, I'm not going ashore.

I know my coffee
is great, but it

ain't worth hanging around for.

Well, I don't know.

Hi.

Well, what do you think?

Nice, but what happened
to your Mexican look?

Darling, Cabo is not
the place to go native.

It's crawling with billionaires
and beautiful people.

Oh, you'll knock
'em dead, Lorraine.

Ah, we'll knock 'em dead.

We are going to
paint this town roja.

You paint it alone.

I'm going to wait
around here for a while.

What are you
going to wait for?

Ah, you got a thing
for one of the crew?

No.

I'm going to wait for Ronald.

By the time he drives
all the way down here,

he'll be so exhausted, I'll be
able to talk him into anything.

You really think he's
going to keep chasing you

after you kicked him
out on his cucaracha?

Sure, he doesn't
give up that easily.

Ronald may not
realize it yet, but

deep down inside,
he wants to get

married just as much as I do.

Ah, but are you sure you do?

Of course I am.

Why?

Lots of reasons.

Well, let's hear them.

Companionship.

Get a dog.

Security.

Make it a German shepherd.

I'd like kids.

I'll give you one of mine.

But you have to give it back.

I take it your
marriage didn't work out.

Oh, it did.

I worked, he went out.

It's not going to be
that way with Ronald.

Once I get that ring on
his finger, it's forever.

He'll never take it off.

Play it safe, honey.

Have it made a couple
of sizes too small.

Uh, excuse me,
could I have a light?

Sure.

Thank you.

Sandy, I'm so glad
I finally caught you.

It's just a small fire.
It's self defense.

Huh?

[screaming]

I've only got
to find one more.

You can stop looking.

Doc's got it.

That's the ship's doctor?

Yeah, that's why
they call him doc.

I think I've got a cold.

May I help you?

I've got a terrible cold.

Did you run out of Kleenex?

[laughs nervously]

Come in, please.

Want to hop up on the table?

[coughing]

Boy, that's a nasty cough.

Well, let's have a look at you.

Mhm.

Mhm.

Funny, you don't seem
to have a temperature,

but you're kind of flushed.

I don't think you
have a cold at all,

but you are suffering from
acute embarrassment, possibly

caused by overexposure.

You knew all along?

I never forget a face.

What's wrong, are
you ashamed of that?

I'm mortified.

Look, I'm a doctor.

I see an awful lot of bodies.

Once, I had a guy so fat I
needed two examination tables.

As far as I'm
concerned, you really

have nothing to be ashamed of.

Well, thank you,
but it's not what

you think that concerns me.

It's what my fiance
is going to think.

You're trying to
hide this from the man

who's going to be your husband?

Look, it's none of my
business, but if you're

going to marry the
guy, you'd better

start being honest with him.

Now, that's what Julie said.

I've got so much to lose.

You're going to have a
lot more to lose if you

don't level with him now.

You're right.

Thank you, doctor.

Uh, I'm sorry I
ruined your magazine.

Oh, I never look
at the centerfolds.

I just buy them
for the articles.

ANNOUNCER: The Pacific
Princess will be leaving

Cabo San Lucas in 30 minutes.

Hi, I'm back.

Well, how was Cabo San Lucas?

Oh, what a day.

Are you ready for this?

I had four Tom
Collins, three Jack

Daniels, and a Paco Martinez.

What's a Paco Martinez?

He was the beach
boy at the hotel.

So, how was your day?

- He didn't show up.
- Aw.

I guess I didn't know him
as well as I thought I did,

Lorraine.

We never do.

Well, someone's
in a big hurry.

Look at that boat.

Well, Paco said he'd
follow me anywhere,

but I just thought
he was putting me on.

RONALD: Now, hear
this, Ginny O'Brien.

It is me.

Ronald.

It's Ronald.

Ronald.

Get off the boat, woman.

I love you.

I love you, too.

RONALD: I miss you.

I miss you, too.

Then get off the boat, woman.

Will you marry me?

I cannot hear you.

Goodbye, Ronald.

RONALD: Hey, now
wait a minute, Ginny.

You'll never find
another man like me.

I wouldn't look for
another man like you.

Look here, Ginny.

No man could ever love you,
take care of you the way

that I will.

What more could
you possibly want?

I want your name.

OK, then.

I'll call you Ronald.

Adios, muchacho.

This is sure the biggest
creek I've ever been up.

I pledge to wage
an unflinching

battle against the poor--

against poverty, an unflinching
battle against poverty.

And I also feel that--

[knocking]

Hi, sweetheart.

Hi, don't--
don't say anything.

I've got something to tell
you-- no, something to show you.

This is me.

Nice wig.

Now, I posted this long
before we were engaged,

long before I ever knew you.

If you don't want to see me
again, I don't blame you.

Oh, honey, I want to
see you again and again.

I'm going to be
married to a woman

other men can only dream about.

And I don't care if your
picture's plastered on the side

of the Empire State Building.

I love you.

But what about your campaign?

Is this going to cost you votes?

Sandy, I look at it this way.

A guy named Carter confessed
his lust in Playboy,

and he got to be president.

I figure with this,
they could vote me king.

All right, come here.

All right.

Yeah.

Hello.

Oh, I don't think I can go
through with this, Lorraine.

Oh, just have a drink.

It'll calm you down.

I'm not much of a drinker.

Oh, just a little
sip of something.

It'll take the edge off.

We'll have two straight
double bourbons.

Ah, listen, no sense your
walking back and forth.

Bring the bottle.

Well, we might
want a second one.

Look, I'm not even sure
I want the first one.

Trust me, OK?

Now, enough small talk.

Let's meet some men.

Oh, I don't think
I remember how.

The first step is
dangling the bait so he'll

throw his line your way.

Oh, I know I don't
know how to dangle.

LORRAINE: It comes
with the package.

You've got your eyes.

You've got your mouth.

You've got a mind
for [inaudible]..

Just follow me.

I'm ready.

[laughing]

STACY: I want to see your
recreation supply lists,

your master
entertainment schedule,

your musician's payments, and
your convention procedures.

Gladly, Mrs. Skogstad.

Captain Stubing
is very particular

about administrative details.

You like captain Stubing?

Oh, yes.

He's a marvelous person.

You've been drinking on duty.

That Mr. Skogstad
is something else.

He never says a word.

With her for a wife,
he never gets the chance.

I wonder where she is now.

The engine room, checking
the gaskets and shims.

She just got through
in the laundry.

Lord, I hate ring
around the collar.

How come the captain
is letting this happen?

We've got to do something.

How about we hire a hit man?

We can't do anything.

Why not?

Because.

Great answer.

You must be a college grad.

I really shouldn't be
telling this, but Mrs. Skogstad

is Captain Stubing's ex-wife.

Oh no.

Are you serious?

JULIE: Well, that
explains everything.

I can't imagine the
two of them together.

Beauty and the beast.

Beast and the beast
is more like it.

Yeah, but Captain
Stubing is our beast.

There's only one thing to do.

Right, the hit man.

DOC: No, I'll have
to stand up to him.

I know how to handle
this type of woman.

I was married four
times for nothing.

I mean, you cannot
allow a woman of this

kind to push you around.

What is going on in here?

Mrs. Skogstad, welcome.

How nice to see you again.

My, what a lovely
outfit you have on.

Stuff a sock in it, buster.

Show me your supply
requisitions.

Yes, Mrs. Skogstad.

Right away, Mrs. Skogstad.

Uh, is this a medical
facility or a convention center?

We

Were just on our way out.

[interposing voices]

Lord, I love
nervous perspiration--

yours, too.

LORRAINE: Ginny?

Mhm.

Ginny?

We're leaving Ensenada and
you didn't even see it.

Do these eyes look like
they wanted to see Ensenada?

Bleh, they don't even look like
they want to be in your head.

Lorraine, what was I doing
with a life preserver in my bed

this morning?

Well, so after you made the
band play "Nearer, My God,

To Thee," you started mumbling
something about an iceberg,

and women and children first.

I didn't do that.

Oh, yes, you did.

Well, I do
remember one thing--

at some point last night,
I decided I was having fun.

Well, good for you.

Well, we're going
to leave Ensenada

and Ronald didn't show.

I guess he finally gave up, huh?

Hey, give me a break, brother.

You're not going to help
me with the driving, man.

Don't be like that.

Now, for dessert,
ladies and gentlemen,

I think you might be amused by
our flaming cherries jubilee.

Oh, [non-english].

Burning cherries is
a bundle of laughs.

She just keeps pushing him
and pushing him, like the guys

at the bulls fights.

The ones that stick
the spears in the bull

before they kill it, what
do they call those guys?

I think the technical
term is bull stickers.

I'm not going
to watch anymore.

I don't to be
around for the kill.

Me neither.

I couldn't stand to her
awarded his ears and his tail.

I'm going to keep the
pressure on, Merrill.

You do know that?

Really?

I hadn't noticed any pressure.

How come you're not
defending yourself?

Or do you always leave
that up to your crew?

My crew?

For some bizarre reason,
they seem to admire you,

although I can't imagine why.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please excuse, me but I

have to pass up dessert.

The responsibilities,
my position

require my immediate attention.

PURSER: If everything
is so perfect,

why are we so miserable?

We're all suffering
from acute Skogstad.

Hi.

Hi.

You too?

Mrs. Skogstad caught
me when I accidentally

put a cherry into a Martini.

I suggested that she
try my new drink,

and she suggested
that I try a new job.

Now, we think
we've got problems.

Let's just be thankful we're
not in Captain Stubing's shoes.

DOC: This is the longest
cruise I've ever been on.

GOPHER: And we're not gonna get
any time off for good behavior.

Time off?

I'm working double shifts
to keep that lady happy.

Hey, I'm spending
so much time trying

to please her that I'm letting
the other passengers down.

DOC: She has the uncanny
ability to make you feel you

don't know what you're doing.

I am a good doctor, aren't I?

I've come to you for aspirin.

Great doc.

I just got the answer.

What?

We make Mrs.
Skogstad the captain.

Then she can hire
the crew she wants.

Well, as I see it, we've
got a couple of choices.

We can get a drink and
go sit out on the deck,

or we can get two drinks.

Right, good plan.

Forget something, Merrill?

Yes, something I've been
meaning to do for a week.

You come, too.

STACY: What do you
think you're doing?

MERRILL: Be quiet.

STACY: Who do you think you are?

The captain.

I haven't been
acting like it, but I

am the captain of
this ship, and I

am going to give you an order.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ah, what?

An order-- go to your room.

You're going down the
chute for that, Merrill.

Fine, fine.

Now look, I allowed you
to make my life miserable.

But I will not allow you
to disrupt this cruise

for the passengers,
who, I should point out,

paid to be on this ship.

Who do you think
you're talking--

I am not finished.

And last, but by
no means least, you

will not treat my crew like
a bunch of incompetent boobs.

I have the best crew afloat.

You cannot talk
to me like this.

Stacy, shut up
and go to your room.

[scoffs] Aubrey?

Mr. Skogstad, no matter what
you say, I will not apologize.

So whatever you have to
say to me, sir, say it now.

[clears throat]
Go to your room.

You're a great captain.

[sneezing]

Don't you people
have anything to do?

Mr. Smith?

Yes, sir.

Gopher, get a haircut.

[laughing]

Oh, wow, I hate to say this,
but I guess it's goodbye, huh?

Oh, not goodbye,
it's just, uh--

hasta la vista.

We'll see each other again.

I hope so.

You know, without
you, this cruise

would have been a disaster.

Oh, at first I thought you
wouldn't approve of me-- well,

you know the way I carry on.

But I save live and
taste life, and don't let

anybody tell you what to do.

You're one of a kind.

Ain't I just?

Mommy, Mommy.

Oh, my babies.

Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

How are you?

Oh.

Here, you take
these for Mommy, OK?

Ah, we did it.

Yes, we got
through this cruise.

Boy, talk about
survivors of the Titanic.

We actually lived
through Hurricane Stacy.

Julie, Julie, thank
you for everything.

We had a wonderful time.

Well, you certainly captured
the floating vote, congressman.

I see my prescription worked.

Yes, next picture
you see me in is

going to be a wedding picture.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Bye.

Bye bye.

Thank you.

Excuse me, miss, you need
some help with your bags?

Oh, no, thank you, I--

Ronald, oh, what are you doing?

Whee, I almost thought
I forgot how to do that.

Take my word,
you didn't forget.

One more time.

For you, my lovely young lady.

Oh, Ronald, they're beautiful.

Thank you.

Yeah, if you put
them in some water,

maybe you can use them as
part of your bridal bouquet.

What?

That's right.

Maybe I've been out here
in the sun too long,

but Ginny O'Brien, I am
ready to give marriage a try.

Oh, Ronald--

Now, you just name the
place and time you want

to become Mrs. Ronald Baker.

Well, I have to--

Now, I cannot
guarantee you the moon,

but I can guarantee you a
lifetime warranty against bugs.

Oh, listen, Ronald, I've been
doing a lot of thinking too,

and I think your way is best.

Why don't we just keep
living together, OK?

You mean that?

Absolutely.

Oh, wow.

Wow, thank you, big fella.

Thank-- what-- what made
you change your mind?

Well, I guess it was the
last two nights on the cruise.

The last two
nights on the cruise?

What happened the last
two nights on the cruise?

Oh, nothing, really.

A girl changes her
whole line of thinking

and she says, oh,
nothing really?

Oh, look it was just--

I found out you were right,
I mean, about freedom.

I found out I like
having my freedom.

And uh, what kind of
freedom are you talking about?

The same kind of
freedom you talking about.

That kind of freedom?

No way.

Oh look, maybe
it's just the freedom

to not feel guilty about
enjoying a little freedom,

you know?

But I want to get married.

Oh, Ronald, well look,
let's go home and discuss it.

Oh, nothing really.

I don't believe this.

We were [inaudible].

I've been chasing you on boats,
planes-- here I am in my truck.

You know, I've killed
for less than this.

And now, you going
crazy, telling me

you want your freedom.

Even the bugs that I kill
don't have their freedom.

Get in the truck there, Ronald.

I'll set you right
up there, my man--

May I have a word
with your wife?

What do you want?

Please.

Well, what do you want?

I want to apologize for
being so harsh to you.

Oh?

Yes, for what happened
on the deck two nights ago,

and what happened to
our life 10 years ago.

Come again?

You're a wonderful
woman, Stacy.

You deserved a much
better husband than I was.

I tried, but I wanted
to command ships

more than I wanted to make
you happy, and that's it.

Well, life with me couldn't
have been much of a picnic.

No, no it was my fault. All
you got was a husband at sea,

and a name that you hated.

I'm sorry.

Captain, I couldn't
find one important thing

wrong with your ship.

You are a hell of a commander.

Why, thank you.

I hope that you're
happy with, um--

Aubrey.

Aubrey.

He's a nice man.

He doesn't have your panache,
but he does stay home.

There is one awful thing.

What's that?

You know how I hated
the name Stacy Stubing?

Whoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.

I can't even pronounce
Stacy Skogskag--

Stacy Skogskag--

Stacy Skogstad.

Lord, I love a
silver tongued man.

Goodbye, Merrill.

Goodbye, Stacy.

ANNOUNCER: Captain Stubing?

Captain Stubing, please
come to the bridge.

[theme music]