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1
00:00:01,871 --> 00:00:03,916
Last season on "You Me Her"...
2
00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,092
[ Applause ]It's really happening.
3
00:00:05,179 --> 00:00:06,876
Kylie: It is
our two-month anniversary.
4
00:00:06,963 --> 00:00:08,530
Emma: The things I'm gonna do
to you when we get home...
5
00:00:08,617 --> 00:00:10,184
Emma: Uh, so, this is
a bit awkward, but you
6
00:00:10,271 --> 00:00:12,099
postponed the last two
scheduled signings,
7
00:00:12,186 --> 00:00:14,188
and I just want to make sure
that we're still on for Monday.
8
00:00:14,275 --> 00:00:16,407
Yep. Tell Kylie
and pop some corks.
9
00:00:16,494 --> 00:00:18,931
Are you sure that you left
for the right reasons?
10
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:20,977
And you're still
getting divorced Monday
11
00:00:21,064 --> 00:00:22,979
and driving
back to Seattle?Yes.
12
00:00:23,066 --> 00:00:25,677
I texted Emma that Jack and I
would be out of the loft all day
13
00:00:25,764 --> 00:00:27,679
so she could come deal
with all the shit that
we've been storing.
14
00:00:27,766 --> 00:00:29,029
Did Izzy not
know you'd be here?
15
00:00:29,116 --> 00:00:30,160
Of course she knew
I'd be here.
16
00:00:30,247 --> 00:00:31,901
I think she wants us
to scream
17
00:00:31,988 --> 00:00:34,034
and throws things
at each other.
18
00:00:34,121 --> 00:00:36,297
What the fuck?
19
00:00:36,384 --> 00:00:38,386
What the three of us
did here was special.
20
00:00:38,473 --> 00:00:39,822
I told you, Izzy,
this was a mistake.
21
00:00:39,909 --> 00:00:41,606
If you walk out that door,
don't call.
22
00:00:41,693 --> 00:00:42,912
You are dead to me.
23
00:00:42,999 --> 00:00:44,696
Well, congratulations.
You're pregnant.
24
00:00:44,783 --> 00:00:46,350
You have got to be
fucking kidding me.
25
00:00:46,437 --> 00:00:47,482
You have
a right to know.
26
00:00:47,569 --> 00:00:48,961
Izzy:
Why is she here again?
27
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,138
She was at a meeting.
28
00:00:51,225 --> 00:00:53,140
So why is
my Spidey sense screaming
29
00:00:53,227 --> 00:00:54,489
that something weird's
going down?
30
00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:56,273
What the fuck
are you doing here?
31
00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:59,015
Yellow roses,
the official flower of apology.
32
00:01:00,582 --> 00:01:02,540
Em, what really matters is,
what do you want?
33
00:01:02,627 --> 00:01:03,802
I want this baby.
34
00:01:03,889 --> 00:01:05,761
And I want my husband.
And Izzy.
35
00:01:05,848 --> 00:01:06,762
-...glad that you'll be --
-Iz!
36
00:01:06,849 --> 00:01:07,763
-What?!
-I'm pregnant.
37
00:01:07,850 --> 00:01:09,330
And I'm keeping it.
38
00:01:09,417 --> 00:01:11,462
I'm aware of how acutely
fucked up this must seem.
39
00:01:11,549 --> 00:01:13,508
And seven months ago, I would've
thought the same thing.
40
00:01:13,595 --> 00:01:15,205
She is never gonna
feel permanent
41
00:01:15,292 --> 00:01:17,468
in yourworld with yourkid.
42
00:01:17,555 --> 00:01:19,557
Jack: Actually, that's
exactly what we were
discussing on the way home.
43
00:01:19,644 --> 00:01:21,037
We wanna make it official.
44
00:01:21,124 --> 00:01:23,257
Wouldn't be my first
Poly Commitment Ceremony.
45
00:01:23,344 --> 00:01:25,302
If any one of us
tries to leave again,
46
00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:27,087
there's no coming back.
47
00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:30,699
I hereby now pronounce you
spiritually, soulfully,
48
00:01:30,786 --> 00:01:34,572
and lovingly committed to
one another forever and ever.
49
00:01:34,659 --> 00:01:36,444
Whoo![ Cheers and applause ]
50
00:01:36,531 --> 00:01:42,667
♪♪
51
00:01:42,754 --> 00:01:45,279
[ Woman vocalizing ]
52
00:01:45,366 --> 00:01:52,373
♪♪
53
00:01:52,460 --> 00:01:53,722
[ Snoring ]
54
00:01:53,809 --> 00:01:56,072
♪ When you can't think maybe
55
00:01:56,159 --> 00:02:00,076
♪ Weighed down from the gridlock
and the city sounds♪
56
00:02:00,163 --> 00:02:03,123
♪ Throw your hands in the air
and just wave 'em around ♪
57
00:02:03,210 --> 00:02:05,951
♪ You'll be fine in the middle
when your energy's out ♪
58
00:02:06,038 --> 00:02:09,085
♪ When you can't sleep
and it's still dark ♪
59
00:02:09,172 --> 00:02:12,088
♪ Get a front piece
in a brick wall ♪
60
00:02:12,175 --> 00:02:14,830
♪ 'Cause I won't be mad
at the end of the day ♪
61
00:02:14,917 --> 00:02:18,312
♪ Just knowing that you moved
in a beautiful way ♪
62
00:02:18,399 --> 00:02:21,619
♪ All you got to do
is keep moving ♪
63
00:02:21,706 --> 00:02:22,968
♪ Keep moving
64
00:02:23,055 --> 00:02:24,666
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh
65
00:02:24,753 --> 00:02:27,451
♪ All you got to do
is keep moving ♪
66
00:02:27,538 --> 00:02:29,149
♪ Keep moving on
67
00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:30,541
♪ Keep moving
68
00:02:30,628 --> 00:02:33,544
♪ All you got to do
is keep moving ♪
69
00:02:33,631 --> 00:02:36,721
[ Alarm chimes ]Ah. Oh. [ Sighs ]
70
00:02:36,808 --> 00:02:39,420
Dear God,
why is it so bright?
71
00:02:39,507 --> 00:02:41,161
It's called morning.
72
00:02:41,248 --> 00:02:43,902
Happens almost every day here
in lovely Hawthorne Heights.
73
00:02:43,989 --> 00:02:46,601
What do you say we, uh,
break this little sex slump
74
00:02:46,688 --> 00:02:48,124
before the nausea kicks in?
75
00:02:48,211 --> 00:02:49,952
Okay.Mm, too late.
76
00:02:50,039 --> 00:02:51,127
Mm.
77
00:02:51,214 --> 00:02:52,955
Just, um,
start without me!
78
00:02:53,042 --> 00:02:54,783
Ugh.
79
00:02:54,870 --> 00:02:57,568
So, our pregnant wife
just told us to have sex
80
00:02:57,655 --> 00:02:59,135
while listening
to her barf.[ Emma coughing ]
81
00:02:59,222 --> 00:03:01,093
I've never been so aroused.
82
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,183
Come closer
and bring your penis.
83
00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:05,141
[ Smooches ][ Toilet flushes ]
84
00:03:05,228 --> 00:03:06,969
Coffee?
Yeah.
85
00:03:07,056 --> 00:03:08,623
[ Grunts ]
86
00:03:08,710 --> 00:03:11,278
♪♪
87
00:03:11,365 --> 00:03:13,758
[ Groans ]
88
00:03:13,845 --> 00:03:16,718
[ Man vocalizing ]
89
00:03:16,805 --> 00:03:19,851
♪♪
90
00:03:19,938 --> 00:03:22,202
You look nice.
91
00:03:22,289 --> 00:03:23,507
Thank you.
92
00:03:23,594 --> 00:03:25,683
Ooh.
Watch out for these.
93
00:03:25,770 --> 00:03:28,730
That's a household calamity
waiting to happen.
My boots?
94
00:03:28,817 --> 00:03:31,298
How the hell
did those get there?I don't know.
95
00:03:31,385 --> 00:03:32,995
You think maybe, like,
a burglar came in
96
00:03:33,082 --> 00:03:35,911
and tried on your boots
and then used your toothbrush?
97
00:03:35,998 --> 00:03:37,260
It's the only thing
I can think of.
98
00:03:37,347 --> 00:03:38,914
Very funny.Should we change the locks?
99
00:03:39,001 --> 00:03:40,307
-[ Groans ]
-Poor baby maker.
100
00:03:40,394 --> 00:03:41,960
I'll get you tea.
101
00:03:42,047 --> 00:03:44,354
Okay, I am officially
the anchor in this relationship.
102
00:03:44,441 --> 00:03:45,834
Just, you know, cut me loose.
103
00:03:45,921 --> 00:03:47,488
I won't be bitter.
104
00:03:47,575 --> 00:03:50,752
That's nonsense, honey.
You are the wind and the sails.
105
00:03:50,839 --> 00:03:52,623
God, at least
soothe me credibly.
106
00:03:52,710 --> 00:03:54,103
-That was pretty good.
-Hey, you know,
107
00:03:54,190 --> 00:03:56,758
there's more to life
than sex, weed, and booze.
108
00:03:56,845 --> 00:03:58,412
[ Smooches ]No way.
109
00:03:58,499 --> 00:04:00,240
I know. It sounded
very strange to me, too, but...
110
00:04:00,327 --> 00:04:02,459
exhibit "A."Iz, that's really sweet,
111
00:04:02,546 --> 00:04:03,721
but you must be so bored.
112
00:04:03,808 --> 00:04:05,419
I mean, good thing
you work downtown
113
00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:07,203
so you can grab a drink
with Shaun and Nina, right?
114
00:04:07,290 --> 00:04:08,552
Yeah. Totally.
115
00:04:08,639 --> 00:04:11,251
Besides,
traffic is a real bitch
116
00:04:11,338 --> 00:04:12,948
when I get off my shift
at Directions, so it works out.
117
00:04:13,035 --> 00:04:14,079
-Yeah.
-Mm.
118
00:04:14,166 --> 00:04:15,516
And sometimes
it stays bitchy
119
00:04:15,603 --> 00:04:17,779
till, what, like, 2:07,
3:00 in the morning,
120
00:04:17,866 --> 00:04:19,781
depending on the night?
-Yeah.
121
00:04:19,868 --> 00:04:21,783
Wait a minute. So you're saying
that a burglar didn't come in
122
00:04:21,870 --> 00:04:23,524
and use her boots
and her toothbrush?[ Gasps ]
123
00:04:23,611 --> 00:04:25,613
So, have you guys just been
getting your jollies off
124
00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:28,616
at my expense?Hey, babe, seriously,
just do your thing.
125
00:04:28,703 --> 00:04:30,182
Actually, we all need
to do our things.
126
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,619
Yep.
127
00:04:31,706 --> 00:04:32,968
We're talking about
masturbation, right?
128
00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:34,274
[ Chuckles ]
129
00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:35,623
Uh, I've been doing
some research,
130
00:04:35,710 --> 00:04:37,102
and it is becoming
glaringly obvious
131
00:04:37,189 --> 00:04:39,279
that we're doing poly,
like, all wrong.
132
00:04:39,366 --> 00:04:41,106
Did you know that trying
to do everything in threes,
133
00:04:41,193 --> 00:04:44,501
especially sex,
is a [Whistles] poly foul?
134
00:04:44,588 --> 00:04:46,503
That's very clever.
Thank you.
135
00:04:46,590 --> 00:04:48,026
But please don't
ever do it again.
136
00:04:48,113 --> 00:04:49,637
So this mean
you guys are cool
137
00:04:49,724 --> 00:04:52,335
with me meeting Nathan Malik
for happy hour?
138
00:04:52,422 --> 00:04:54,119
Nathan
from Hawthorne School?Yeah.
139
00:04:54,206 --> 00:04:55,686
He went through
a nasty divorce,
140
00:04:55,773 --> 00:04:57,166
and I figured
I could give him some support.
141
00:04:57,253 --> 00:04:58,515
Plus, Dave's not around.
142
00:04:58,602 --> 00:05:00,300
He's on his stupid book tour,
so...
143
00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:02,693
Yeah, I guess you don't really
have that many guy friends, huh?
144
00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:04,782
Yes, I do.
Who?
145
00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:06,044
Uh, guy friends?
Mm.
146
00:05:06,131 --> 00:05:07,132
Dave.Yeah, you have Dave.
147
00:05:07,219 --> 00:05:08,743
He's a good friend.Yeah.
148
00:05:08,830 --> 00:05:10,614
Yeah, but didn't he just,
like, come along with Carmen?
149
00:05:10,701 --> 00:05:13,661
Like, buy this now and get this
furry little rascal for free?
150
00:05:13,748 --> 00:05:15,880
And G-Gabe.
151
00:05:15,967 --> 00:05:18,187
Well, he's --
he's your brother,
152
00:05:18,274 --> 00:05:20,058
so that's different.And a friend.
Very good friend.
153
00:05:20,145 --> 00:05:21,321
[ Breathes deeply,
clears throat ]
154
00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:23,061
Now there's Nathan.
155
00:05:23,148 --> 00:05:26,543
Um, so, the baby doc
appointment is Tuesday, right?
156
00:05:26,630 --> 00:05:27,631
Yeah, the ninth.
157
00:05:27,718 --> 00:05:28,806
What, the ninth?Yeah.
158
00:05:28,893 --> 00:05:30,025
T-Today is the ninth.Shit.
159
00:05:30,112 --> 00:05:31,418
Yeah,
how is it Tuesday already?
160
00:05:31,505 --> 00:05:33,071
We got to get going, guys.
Come on.
Yeah.
161
00:05:33,158 --> 00:05:34,464
[ Cellphone rings ]
162
00:05:34,551 --> 00:05:35,900
It's Helen Wilberg.
163
00:05:35,987 --> 00:05:37,119
[ Cellphone beeps ]
164
00:05:37,206 --> 00:05:38,686
Hello, Helen.
165
00:05:38,773 --> 00:05:41,776
No, we're s-- We're definitely
still interested, so...
166
00:05:43,604 --> 00:05:45,823
Okay. Well, thank you
for the heads-up.
167
00:05:45,910 --> 00:05:47,390
We -- We will.
Great.
168
00:05:47,477 --> 00:05:49,087
[ Cellphone beeps ]Shit.
169
00:05:49,174 --> 00:05:51,133
That is not optimal.What?
170
00:05:51,220 --> 00:05:53,265
Somebody put a full-price
offer on this house.
171
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,224
She's gonna do us
a landlord solid
172
00:05:55,311 --> 00:05:57,052
and give us 72 hours
to match it.
173
00:05:57,139 --> 00:05:59,141
Looks like the Hawthorne Heights
decision window
174
00:05:59,228 --> 00:06:01,970
just got a whole lot smaller.
-Mm.
175
00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:03,406
Yeah.
176
00:06:03,493 --> 00:06:04,799
Could this morning
be any more stressful?
177
00:06:04,886 --> 00:06:05,843
Dude!
178
00:06:05,930 --> 00:06:07,062
Ooh, don't say that.
179
00:06:07,149 --> 00:06:08,629
Guys, that's not a thing.
180
00:06:08,716 --> 00:06:10,195
I didn't just "hex" us.
181
00:06:10,282 --> 00:06:12,459
I'm having what?!
Calm down.
182
00:06:12,546 --> 00:06:13,982
They're twins,
normal human girls,
183
00:06:14,069 --> 00:06:15,810
not aliens or devil children.
184
00:06:15,897 --> 00:06:17,420
You said you wanted two kids,
right?
185
00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:18,769
So you knocked 'em out
with one swing.
186
00:06:18,856 --> 00:06:19,988
Yeah, I did.
187
00:06:20,075 --> 00:06:22,294
A month ago,
there was just one.
188
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,340
Check again.
Check again!
189
00:06:24,427 --> 00:06:25,776
Little sister was hiding.
190
00:06:25,863 --> 00:06:27,517
Give her
the weird ancestor name.
191
00:06:27,604 --> 00:06:28,736
Vengeance is yours.
192
00:06:28,823 --> 00:06:30,172
Huh.
193
00:06:30,259 --> 00:06:32,522
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, God.
194
00:06:32,609 --> 00:06:33,741
Are you okay?
195
00:06:33,828 --> 00:06:35,482
Oh, I mean, come on.
196
00:06:35,569 --> 00:06:38,180
I'm sorry.
It's just [Sighs]
197
00:06:38,267 --> 00:06:40,400
I mean, God damn it.
198
00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:43,620
There's too much estrogen
in this room, I guess.
199
00:06:43,707 --> 00:06:46,231
I know feelings are hard.
200
00:06:46,318 --> 00:06:48,799
So would it help
to clumsily explain things
201
00:06:48,886 --> 00:06:51,062
that we already know
in this room?
202
00:06:51,149 --> 00:06:53,891
No.
It's unbelievable.
203
00:06:53,978 --> 00:06:57,025
You know
that fetuses require estrogen?
204
00:06:57,112 --> 00:06:59,070
To grow.
Whether they're male or female.
205
00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:01,290
In fact, twins require
not two times as much,
206
00:07:01,377 --> 00:07:03,031
but three times as much.
207
00:07:03,118 --> 00:07:04,859
Thanks, Jack.
208
00:07:04,946 --> 00:07:06,208
Sure.
209
00:07:06,295 --> 00:07:08,210
There it is.
210
00:07:08,297 --> 00:07:13,563
♪♪
211
00:07:13,650 --> 00:07:15,130
Carm, you know I'd love
to watch the girls,
212
00:07:15,217 --> 00:07:16,784
but, um, the doc said
213
00:07:16,871 --> 00:07:18,263
I have bed rest.
"Bed rest"?
214
00:07:18,350 --> 00:07:20,265
I didn't hear her say
"bed rest."
215
00:07:20,352 --> 00:07:23,225
Ooh, you better sharpen up
your lying skills there, Em.
216
00:07:23,312 --> 00:07:24,792
It's a vital part
of parenting.
217
00:07:24,879 --> 00:07:27,447
My God, you're having twins!Yeah, I heard.
218
00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:31,494
Hey, you know what's a perfect
training for raising two girls?
219
00:07:31,581 --> 00:07:32,756
Two girls.
220
00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:34,541
Carm, I seriously wanna help,
I do,
221
00:07:34,628 --> 00:07:36,151
but if I want to nail
this interview tonight,
222
00:07:36,238 --> 00:07:37,457
I gotta prep like crazy,
and, you know,
223
00:07:37,544 --> 00:07:38,980
you are the one who said,
224
00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:40,982
"Can't work at home
with kids," so...
225
00:07:41,069 --> 00:07:43,375
Wait, you're still doing that
after what the doctor said?
226
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:46,944
Remember? With your history
and your advanced ag--
227
00:07:47,031 --> 00:07:50,208
Based mostly on your history,
228
00:07:50,295 --> 00:07:52,559
we need to be careful,
right?
229
00:07:52,646 --> 00:07:53,864
Carmen,
would you like a coffee?
230
00:07:53,951 --> 00:07:55,387
I would love one.Great.
231
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,215
But let's just take a beat
to get real, okay?
232
00:07:57,302 --> 00:07:59,914
Because, right now, we wouldn't
qualify for a bicycle loan.
233
00:08:00,001 --> 00:08:01,655
And you know what's
more expensive than one kid?
234
00:08:01,742 --> 00:08:04,309
Let me guess: Two kids?Yeah.
235
00:08:04,396 --> 00:08:06,834
So unless Mr. Academia
or Ms. Nonprofit
236
00:08:06,921 --> 00:08:08,052
have any other ideas...
237
00:08:08,139 --> 00:08:09,663
Uh, hey, sorry.
238
00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:11,665
Did I black out and we voted
to buy this place and --
239
00:08:11,752 --> 00:08:13,057
[ Whistling ]
240
00:08:13,144 --> 00:08:14,581
Poly foul. No voting.
241
00:08:14,668 --> 00:08:15,973
Reinforces
couples privilege.
242
00:08:16,060 --> 00:08:17,148
She does that now?She does.
243
00:08:17,235 --> 00:08:18,280
It's super fun.
244
00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:20,151
Poly foul!
245
00:08:20,238 --> 00:08:22,153
Oh, you see?
They listen.
246
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,025
They're good sounding boards.
247
00:08:24,112 --> 00:08:27,332
So, Em, did we decide to buy
this place and I missed it?
248
00:08:27,419 --> 00:08:28,508
What happened to, um,
you know
249
00:08:28,595 --> 00:08:30,335
[Deep voice]
"It's good for now.
250
00:08:30,422 --> 00:08:32,381
[ High-pitched voice ]
Buys us time to see if
you really hate it
251
00:08:32,468 --> 00:08:33,513
or really, really
hate it here."
252
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,166
Is that --
Is that me or him?
253
00:08:35,253 --> 00:08:37,081
I can't tell.Yeah, it's
a terrible impression.
254
00:08:37,168 --> 00:08:39,127
[ Normal voice ] Oh, it's...You got to work
on your skills.
255
00:08:39,214 --> 00:08:41,651
It's EmJack.
It's a composite.
256
00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:43,261
Okay, well, listen,
257
00:08:43,348 --> 00:08:45,699
we'll talk Hawthorne Heights
pros and cons tonight, okay?
258
00:08:45,786 --> 00:08:47,570
That sounds like
so much fun.Yeah.
259
00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:48,658
You should come, Carm.
260
00:08:48,745 --> 00:08:50,834
Mnh-mnh.Bye, babe.
261
00:08:52,706 --> 00:08:54,708
Will you at least take a nap?
262
00:08:54,795 --> 00:08:56,536
No.
263
00:08:56,623 --> 00:08:58,450
Not tired.
264
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:02,367
[ Door closes ]Well, I'm just gonna put this
in a travel mug
265
00:09:02,454 --> 00:09:04,805
'cause I need the caffeine
on my way to work, and...
266
00:09:04,892 --> 00:09:06,589
Okay, Carm,
I can't take the guilt.
267
00:09:06,676 --> 00:09:08,548
Just please sedate them
268
00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:11,115
and tell them not to shit
or talk till you get back.
269
00:09:11,202 --> 00:09:13,944
Nah,
I'll exploit an intern.
270
00:09:14,031 --> 00:09:16,294
But you damn well better knock
it out of the park tonight.
271
00:09:16,381 --> 00:09:18,340
Oh. Come here.
272
00:09:18,427 --> 00:09:19,776
Oh, my God,
tell me something
273
00:09:19,863 --> 00:09:21,430
so I feel
a little less crazy.
274
00:09:21,517 --> 00:09:24,259
Hmm. Well, work has been insane,
I'm still waiting to hear
275
00:09:24,346 --> 00:09:25,913
about The Portland
Byline Award nomination,
276
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:29,090
which I damn well better get
because it's a circle jerk
277
00:09:29,177 --> 00:09:31,005
with a million
hyper-specific categories,
278
00:09:31,092 --> 00:09:33,398
and so everybody, including
the plumber, gets a nomination,
279
00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:34,748
and, oh...
280
00:09:34,835 --> 00:09:36,532
and I hate my husband.
Do you wanna know why?
281
00:09:36,619 --> 00:09:38,055
Because it took him
like two minutes
282
00:09:38,142 --> 00:09:39,796
to sell a socially significant
children's book
283
00:09:39,883 --> 00:09:41,929
while already basking in sexist
and hyperbolic acclaim
284
00:09:42,016 --> 00:09:43,017
for tending
to his own children?
285
00:09:43,104 --> 00:09:44,366
Or for selling said book
286
00:09:44,453 --> 00:09:45,672
when you're the writer
in the family,
287
00:09:45,759 --> 00:09:47,064
then going
on a cushy West Coast tour
288
00:09:47,151 --> 00:09:49,284
while you slowly spiral
into madness?
289
00:09:49,371 --> 00:09:51,112
What kind of witch
are you?
290
00:09:51,199 --> 00:09:52,461
The kind
who's a really good listener
291
00:09:52,548 --> 00:09:53,810
and loves
your scrambled eggs
292
00:09:53,897 --> 00:09:55,812
with smoked salmon
and cream cheese?
293
00:09:55,899 --> 00:09:58,815
[ Baby voice ] Pwease,
will you make you some?
294
00:09:59,729 --> 00:10:02,253
Did you just try to baby talk me
into cooking for you?
295
00:10:02,340 --> 00:10:04,429
Did it wook?
[ Sighs ]
296
00:10:04,516 --> 00:10:05,648
If you weren't pregnant...
297
00:10:05,735 --> 00:10:07,302
[ Normal voice ]
Marry me!
298
00:10:07,389 --> 00:10:09,696
Stop proposing
to everybody who's nice to you.
299
00:10:09,783 --> 00:10:11,654
You're not wrong.
300
00:10:11,741 --> 00:10:15,571
[ Laughs ]
Sorry. One more time.
301
00:10:15,658 --> 00:10:17,094
[ Clears throat ]
302
00:10:17,181 --> 00:10:18,530
[ Laughing ]
303
00:10:21,708 --> 00:10:24,536
Oh, man,
and this -- this happened
304
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:27,278
right after you found out
you have three days
305
00:10:27,365 --> 00:10:28,671
to decide
on Hawthorne Heights?
306
00:10:28,758 --> 00:10:29,933
Okay, give me the picture,
307
00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:31,631
or else
it's a double titty twister.
308
00:10:31,718 --> 00:10:34,329
No. Whatever. You're never gonna
find my nipples in this bra.
309
00:10:34,416 --> 00:10:36,070
Anyway,
I've got a session.
310
00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:37,158
You wrecked it.
311
00:10:37,245 --> 00:10:39,116
Wow.
"I've got a session."
312
00:10:39,203 --> 00:10:41,162
I never thought
I'd actually be saying that
313
00:10:41,249 --> 00:10:42,946
as the therapist
and not the patient.
314
00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:44,034
Like...
315
00:10:44,121 --> 00:10:46,341
Are you okay?
316
00:10:46,428 --> 00:10:47,821
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
317
00:10:47,908 --> 00:10:49,518
Shaun: Definitely no mirror
behind the bar.
318
00:10:49,605 --> 00:10:51,520
-Well, you're the boss, boss.
-Yeah.
319
00:10:51,607 --> 00:10:52,782
This is that place
where you come
320
00:10:52,869 --> 00:10:54,436
to get away from that shit,
you know?
321
00:10:54,523 --> 00:10:56,830
They leave their insecurities,
their hang-ups at the door.
322
00:10:56,917 --> 00:10:58,222
No mirrors in the bathrooms,
either.
323
00:10:58,309 --> 00:10:59,833
-What?
-Can I get an amen, people?
324
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,748
-No.
-Mm, no mirrors means your demo
325
00:11:01,835 --> 00:11:03,488
is uggos hiding
from their own reflections,
326
00:11:03,575 --> 00:11:05,795
and even uggos don't
wanna look at other uggos,
327
00:11:05,882 --> 00:11:08,450
so assuming you wanna stay open
for more than five minutes?
328
00:11:08,537 --> 00:11:10,191
There will be mirrors,
ma babe.
329
00:11:10,278 --> 00:11:11,496
There'll be mirrors, ma babe.
330
00:11:11,583 --> 00:11:13,585
Aww. After the insensitive
word salad,
331
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:14,674
you called him "ma babe."
332
00:11:14,761 --> 00:11:15,849
I did.
Hi.
333
00:11:15,936 --> 00:11:17,981
Mm!
-This guy, eh?
334
00:11:18,068 --> 00:11:20,027
Entrepreneurship's
brought out his BDE.
335
00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:21,158
-Dad, don't.
-His Big --
336
00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:23,073
Don't say that.Big Dorky Energy.
337
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:24,727
That's not
what it stands for.
338
00:11:24,814 --> 00:11:26,598
Mm, this guy could have
a whole bouquet of dicks,
339
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,165
and he'd still be my slave,
so...
340
00:11:28,252 --> 00:11:30,602
-Dicks.
-[ Clears throat ]
341
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,866
Later, bitches.
-Okay.
342
00:11:34,171 --> 00:11:35,346
[ Hand slapping ]
343
00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:36,478
C'mon, puppy.
You're driving me.
344
00:11:36,565 --> 00:11:37,609
-Don't fall for that.
-No.
345
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,394
If you start falling
for that now,
346
00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:41,004
you're never gonna get
out of it.Dude, dude, dude! Do--
347
00:11:41,091 --> 00:11:42,266
And you're gonna be
driving her for years.
348
00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:43,224
-[ Gasps ]
-Okay.
349
00:11:43,311 --> 00:11:45,008
Suck it, Silvas!
350
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:49,360
Okay,
th-- that is disturbing.
351
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:51,623
You get used to it.I need a coffee.
352
00:11:53,147 --> 00:11:55,279
So, what's the 411, kiddo?
353
00:11:55,366 --> 00:11:57,586
You seem distracted.
354
00:11:57,673 --> 00:12:00,632
Directions put me on
part time -- budget cuts.
355
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,287
And now, with two kids
on the way
356
00:12:03,374 --> 00:12:06,638
and Emma still looking
for a job, it's...
357
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,771
Whatever.
358
00:12:08,858 --> 00:12:10,120
Tell me.
359
00:12:10,207 --> 00:12:11,861
I get it.
360
00:12:11,948 --> 00:12:15,125
It makes perfect sense
to buy the Wilberg house
361
00:12:15,212 --> 00:12:17,475
and raise the girls there.
362
00:12:17,562 --> 00:12:19,390
But...
363
00:12:19,477 --> 00:12:21,653
it kind of feels like
we're just circling back around
364
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,481
to living their life
instead of mine.
365
00:12:23,568 --> 00:12:25,788
Right?What's the alternative?
366
00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:27,834
Some weird,
woodsy poly-commune?
367
00:12:27,921 --> 00:12:29,183
Hmm?
368
00:12:29,270 --> 00:12:30,532
Dragging them off
to another suburb
369
00:12:30,619 --> 00:12:31,968
just to prove
that you can?
370
00:12:32,055 --> 00:12:33,491
You know, I miss you
walking on eggshells,
371
00:12:33,578 --> 00:12:36,886
trying to win me over.Iz.
372
00:12:36,973 --> 00:12:38,714
It's not just their house.
373
00:12:38,801 --> 00:12:40,934
That's their home,right?
374
00:12:41,021 --> 00:12:42,892
With their best friends
living across the street
375
00:12:42,979 --> 00:12:44,372
and their two little girls.
376
00:12:44,459 --> 00:12:45,765
They built
a good life there,
377
00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:48,942
where everybody knows
your name.
378
00:12:49,029 --> 00:12:50,160
What's happening?
379
00:12:50,247 --> 00:12:51,335
"Cheers."
380
00:12:52,206 --> 00:12:53,424
Okay.
381
00:12:53,511 --> 00:12:55,818
No. Right. Okay.
382
00:12:55,905 --> 00:12:57,211
Answer me this:
383
00:12:57,298 --> 00:12:58,821
Are you still in love
with them?
384
00:12:58,908 --> 00:13:00,605
More than ever.
385
00:13:00,692 --> 00:13:04,566
Then you need to figure a way
to love their life, too.
386
00:13:05,741 --> 00:13:07,264
Mm.
387
00:13:07,351 --> 00:13:09,440
Are you trying
to mike-drop me right now?
388
00:13:09,527 --> 00:13:11,573
Mm.
389
00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:13,793
So amazing.
390
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:15,751
Um...hold on.
391
00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:17,144
I'm just looking for a pen.
392
00:13:17,231 --> 00:13:19,450
God, I buy twenty,
and they disappear.
393
00:13:19,537 --> 00:13:21,757
I think we have a ghost.
[ Chuckles ]
394
00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:23,541
Or there's
nothing supernatural afoot,
395
00:13:23,628 --> 00:13:26,631
and I just have a weird habit of
storing pens all over my body.
396
00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:27,981
[ Clatter ]
397
00:13:28,068 --> 00:13:29,460
[ Muttering ]
398
00:13:29,547 --> 00:13:31,419
Hello? You still there?
399
00:13:31,506 --> 00:13:32,899
Fuck!
400
00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:34,944
I'm sorry.
401
00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:36,337
I'm sorry, guys.
402
00:13:36,424 --> 00:13:38,513
[ Ringtone plays ]
403
00:13:43,474 --> 00:13:44,562
[ Keyboard clacks,
ringtone stops ]
404
00:13:44,649 --> 00:13:45,650
Hey!
405
00:13:45,737 --> 00:13:47,478
Good morning, darling.
406
00:13:47,565 --> 00:13:49,437
Busy day at work?
Well...
407
00:13:49,524 --> 00:13:51,134
You look a little, uh...
408
00:13:51,221 --> 00:13:52,788
gorgeous.
409
00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:54,485
That's the word
I was gonna say -- "gorgeous."
410
00:13:54,572 --> 00:13:56,357
I look a little gorgeous.
411
00:13:56,444 --> 00:13:57,488
Yeah.
Thanks?
412
00:13:57,575 --> 00:13:58,968
Oh.
Um, you try, you know --
413
00:13:59,055 --> 00:14:00,883
Honey, they got me
this French press.
414
00:14:00,970 --> 00:14:02,537
It's great. It is, like, some
of the best coffee I ever had.
415
00:14:02,624 --> 00:14:04,017
And check this out, huh?
Look.
416
00:14:04,104 --> 00:14:06,019
Can you see this?
Can you see that?
417
00:14:06,106 --> 00:14:08,630
That's a -- That's a --
an Edible Arrangement.
418
00:14:08,717 --> 00:14:10,719
Looks like a little pineapple
in the shape of flowers.
419
00:14:10,806 --> 00:14:12,155
You ever seen that?
420
00:14:12,242 --> 00:14:13,504
I'm gonna go crazy
on that thing.
421
00:14:13,591 --> 00:14:15,028
Uh, why fruit?
422
00:14:15,115 --> 00:14:17,160
Did you tell them
that travel constipates you?
423
00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:19,467
You don't have to tell
everybody everything, David.
424
00:14:19,554 --> 00:14:21,861
Hey, are you mad at me?
I feel like I'm sensing
that you're a little --
425
00:14:21,948 --> 00:14:24,820
Mad? Why would I be mad?
I-I should be proud.Should be proud.
426
00:14:24,907 --> 00:14:26,430
So you're saying you're not --
you're not proud of me?
427
00:14:26,517 --> 00:14:27,823
Uh, so, where are you now?
Like, what city?
428
00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:29,738
Uh, I am in...
429
00:14:29,825 --> 00:14:31,566
Oh, boy,
I can't even keep track.
430
00:14:31,653 --> 00:14:32,872
Oh, Sacramento.
[ Chuckles]
431
00:14:32,959 --> 00:14:34,525
Jesus.
Man, I'm like a rock star,
432
00:14:34,612 --> 00:14:35,700
just moving
around the country.
433
00:14:35,787 --> 00:14:37,485
"Good morning, Sacramento!"
434
00:14:37,572 --> 00:14:39,095
[ Computer chimes ]
435
00:14:40,183 --> 00:14:42,055
What else is going on?
Where are the girls?
436
00:14:42,142 --> 00:14:44,318
Uh, I locked them
in a supply closet.
437
00:14:44,405 --> 00:14:46,146
Oh, good, good.
That's good.
438
00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:48,191
Closet's good. There's a lot
of space, probably.
439
00:14:48,278 --> 00:14:49,627
It's big.
There's a window.
440
00:14:49,714 --> 00:14:51,151
Oh, perfect.
That's all they need.
441
00:14:51,238 --> 00:14:52,979
They're like plants.
442
00:14:53,066 --> 00:14:54,371
[ Sighs]
I miss you.
443
00:14:54,458 --> 00:14:55,938
Um, it's been great.
444
00:14:56,025 --> 00:14:57,766
Tell you, it's a little
stressful, though,
445
00:14:57,853 --> 00:14:59,986
'cause they keep asking about
Books Two and Three, you know?
446
00:15:00,073 --> 00:15:01,813
I keep trying to give off
the impression that I'm, like,
447
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,642
this genius full of ideas, but
I'm mysterious and enigmatic.
448
00:15:04,729 --> 00:15:06,209
J.D. Salinger.
449
00:15:06,296 --> 00:15:07,819
Don't know how long
I can pull that off.
450
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:09,952
I mean, I came up
with the first book idea
451
00:15:10,039 --> 00:15:11,432
when I was watching
a "Fluppies" marathon,
452
00:15:11,519 --> 00:15:13,564
hammered on rosé.
453
00:15:13,651 --> 00:15:15,871
So maybe I should re-create
that whole type of magic.Ha ha ha ha!
454
00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:17,481
That's a funny story, babe.
455
00:15:17,568 --> 00:15:19,092
Is it breaking up
on your end, too?
456
00:15:19,179 --> 00:15:21,311
Uh, no.
You're coming in perfectly.
457
00:15:21,398 --> 00:15:23,009
Free...zing.
458
00:15:23,096 --> 00:15:25,359
Can't...hear...boop...
459
00:15:25,446 --> 00:15:28,753
Uh... Honey, you're --
you're clearly faking.
460
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:30,973
I just saw Scotty wave at me.
461
00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:32,583
[ Keyboard clacks,
computer beeps ]
462
00:15:36,239 --> 00:15:38,241
[ Man vocalizing ]
463
00:15:38,328 --> 00:15:46,684
♪♪
464
00:15:46,771 --> 00:15:47,859
[ Deliberately ]
Hello, Amy.
465
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,818
[ Sighs ]
[ Normal voice ] Great.
466
00:15:49,905 --> 00:15:52,473
I sound like I'm gonna wash her
liver down with a good Chianti.
467
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:54,301
[ Breathes deeply ][ Footsteps approaching ]
468
00:15:54,388 --> 00:15:56,825
Oh, sweet Jesus.
469
00:15:56,912 --> 00:15:58,218
Babe, where to start?
470
00:15:58,305 --> 00:15:59,697
Oh, my God.
471
00:15:59,784 --> 00:16:02,570
Is it the flannel
or the jacket or the boots?
472
00:16:02,657 --> 00:16:06,487
Yes, yes, yes, yes,
and hard yes.
473
00:16:06,574 --> 00:16:08,750
You were Nathan's mentor,
okay?
474
00:16:08,837 --> 00:16:10,665
That dynamic
never really changes.
475
00:16:10,752 --> 00:16:12,058
[ Sighs ] What about you?
You nervous?
476
00:16:12,145 --> 00:16:13,711
Ain't no thing.
477
00:16:13,798 --> 00:16:15,670
Just need to correctly
pronounce French menu items
478
00:16:15,757 --> 00:16:18,238
while trying to decide whether
I let her know I'm pregnant
479
00:16:18,325 --> 00:16:20,283
or let her think it's
a [French accent] biére bell-ey.
480
00:16:20,370 --> 00:16:21,763
Mm, when you go all French.Yeah?
481
00:16:21,850 --> 00:16:22,938
Yeah.
Izzy: Yay!
482
00:16:23,025 --> 00:16:24,287
You're open for business again?
483
00:16:24,374 --> 00:16:26,855
Wow.
We will talk about that later.
484
00:16:26,942 --> 00:16:29,031
I'm open for selfless service
to relax me before my interview.
485
00:16:29,118 --> 00:16:30,685
Uh, pass, but I have a gift.
486
00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:33,035
-Aww.
-It's symbolic.
487
00:16:33,122 --> 00:16:36,734
Pumpkin spice. The official shit
candle of Hawthorne Heights.
488
00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:38,214
-Oh, that's the good stuff.
-Starting to get
489
00:16:38,301 --> 00:16:40,086
the human feces-
pumpkin spice connection.
490
00:16:40,173 --> 00:16:41,478
-Pregnancy.
-Okay.
491
00:16:41,565 --> 00:16:43,480
Over the next few days,
492
00:16:43,567 --> 00:16:46,657
I'm going to sincerely try
to shed my prejudices
493
00:16:46,744 --> 00:16:48,355
and love the 'burbs.
494
00:16:48,442 --> 00:16:50,313
Like, totally buy the T-shirt.Mm, there really is a --
495
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:53,229
I'm not gonna buy the T-shirt,
Jack, but, um,
496
00:16:53,316 --> 00:16:55,536
I'm gonna get a real job
with a real salary
497
00:16:55,623 --> 00:16:58,495
so I can help us get the loan
for the house.
498
00:16:58,582 --> 00:17:00,758
-Isabelle Silva, you are --
-Wait, wait, wait.
499
00:17:00,845 --> 00:17:02,543
There's more. Sit.
500
00:17:05,328 --> 00:17:06,590
Drum roll, please!
501
00:17:06,677 --> 00:17:08,940
[ Hands tapping rapidly ]
502
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,334
Okay. Stop.
503
00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:13,858
There's a gas leak, and
I'm the only one with a mask.
504
00:17:13,945 --> 00:17:15,512
Okay, here it is:
505
00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:17,732
It is almost
the one-year anniversary
506
00:17:17,819 --> 00:17:20,387
of the day I showed up at
your front door like a weirdo,
507
00:17:20,474 --> 00:17:25,131
so I'm planning my first
bougie suburban blowout!
508
00:17:25,218 --> 00:17:26,915
Ha!
A night to forget,
509
00:17:27,002 --> 00:17:28,264
assuming
I get properly wasted,
510
00:17:28,351 --> 00:17:30,745
which I can
pretty much guarantee.
511
00:17:30,832 --> 00:17:31,833
[ Laughs ]
512
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,575
Come here.
513
00:17:34,662 --> 00:17:35,924
What's got you
all frisky?
514
00:17:36,011 --> 00:17:37,621
-You, making an effort.
-I am.
515
00:17:37,708 --> 00:17:38,796
-Mm-hmm.
-Yeah, when I want some,
516
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:39,841
I clean the kitchen.
517
00:17:39,928 --> 00:17:40,842
-Oh, really?
-Oh, yeah.
518
00:17:40,929 --> 00:17:42,235
So hot.
-Is it?
519
00:17:42,322 --> 00:17:44,193
So sexy.
520
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:45,499
Let's relax
before your interview.
521
00:17:45,586 --> 00:17:46,717
Mm!
522
00:17:48,110 --> 00:17:49,851
Mm. Mm.
523
00:17:49,938 --> 00:17:52,027
-I can't. Seriously, I can't.
-No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
524
00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:53,724
I have to leave
in like 10 minutes.
525
00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:55,596
I know that sounds like
the dog ate my libido, but --
526
00:17:55,683 --> 00:17:57,598
No, no, it's fine.Yeah, we're good.
527
00:17:57,685 --> 00:17:59,078
Whenever you're ready.No.
528
00:17:59,165 --> 00:18:01,080
No, I am gonna walk out
that door,
529
00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:02,907
and you two
are gonna do the nasty.
530
00:18:02,994 --> 00:18:04,170
[ Pops lips ]
531
00:18:04,257 --> 00:18:05,736
But, seriously, get weird
532
00:18:05,823 --> 00:18:08,696
because only having sex
in threes is a poly foul!
533
00:18:08,783 --> 00:18:09,871
[ Whistles ]
-She's still doing that.
534
00:18:09,958 --> 00:18:11,438
[ Laughs ]
535
00:18:11,525 --> 00:18:13,092
It was never gonna happen,
but then she did...
536
00:18:13,179 --> 00:18:15,703
Yeah, she totally ruined it
with that hand-gesture thing.
537
00:18:15,790 --> 00:18:17,139
Later.
Yeah.
538
00:18:17,226 --> 00:18:19,315
So, going out with one
of my many male friends.
539
00:18:19,402 --> 00:18:21,448
Gonna have some beezos
with ma brah.
540
00:18:21,535 --> 00:18:24,146
Oh, hey, um, P.S. --
No one says that.
541
00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:25,756
So just -- just don't.
542
00:18:25,843 --> 00:18:29,978
Also, if you plan on
having sex with me ever again,
543
00:18:30,065 --> 00:18:33,808
you need to take off
these clothes -- now.
544
00:18:33,895 --> 00:18:35,375
What's wrong with this?
545
00:18:35,462 --> 00:18:37,681
Icare. I care.
546
00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:41,120
♪ He-e-e-y, yo
547
00:18:41,207 --> 00:18:42,164
♪ Let's go
548
00:18:42,251 --> 00:18:43,731
♪ He-e-e-y
549
00:18:43,818 --> 00:18:47,300
[ Piano music plays,
indistinct conversations ]
550
00:18:47,387 --> 00:18:48,692
[ Clears throat ]
551
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:54,176
Well, turns out there
really is a Pinot Grigio bar
552
00:18:54,263 --> 00:18:56,265
that serves nothing
but Pinot Grigio.
553
00:18:56,352 --> 00:18:58,398
I did not know that.
554
00:18:58,485 --> 00:19:01,357
Um, I mean,
it is called "Grigio."
555
00:19:01,444 --> 00:19:04,055
Yeah, I just thought
it was Mexican.
556
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:06,449
You know, um, I was --
557
00:19:06,536 --> 00:19:09,409
I was drunk most
of the summer after Jess left
558
00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:12,325
and then gave up all booze
except white
559
00:19:12,412 --> 00:19:15,676
because what man really wants
to binge white wine?
560
00:19:15,763 --> 00:19:17,504
Yeah, or drink it at all.
561
00:19:17,591 --> 00:19:18,635
[ Laughs ]
562
00:19:19,941 --> 00:19:21,464
Uh,
I'm just messing with you.
563
00:19:21,551 --> 00:19:23,074
That's it.
All right, man.
564
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,164
You know,
divorce laid me out, man.
565
00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:27,601
Um, but now I'm getting
my act together,
566
00:19:27,688 --> 00:19:28,993
really taking the wheel.
567
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,299
That was
one of the books I read.
568
00:19:30,386 --> 00:19:31,387
[Loudly] "Take the Wheel!!!"
569
00:19:31,474 --> 00:19:32,823
Ooh.
570
00:19:32,910 --> 00:19:35,478
Do you have to yell it?
571
00:19:35,565 --> 00:19:38,089
Well, it's got
three exclamation points, so...
572
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:39,830
Makes sense.
Yeah.
573
00:19:39,917 --> 00:19:41,745
Anything else
you had to give up?
574
00:19:41,832 --> 00:19:43,530
Uh, yeah, actually.
575
00:19:43,617 --> 00:19:46,533
Uh, uh, red meat,
then meat of every hue.
576
00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:49,666
Uh, carbs, sugar,
weed, television.
577
00:19:49,753 --> 00:19:52,669
Replaced that all
with gallons of water,
578
00:19:52,756 --> 00:19:54,105
at least an hour of cardio
a day,
579
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,716
meditation,
deep breathing...
580
00:19:55,803 --> 00:19:58,719
Jesus.
So much self-flagellation.
581
00:19:58,806 --> 00:20:02,288
You know, um, I got nuked.
582
00:20:02,375 --> 00:20:06,553
And, uh,
it was the opposite of mutual.
583
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:11,035
So I won't be offended
584
00:20:11,122 --> 00:20:14,474
if you find someone else
for ManFest 2019.
585
00:20:14,561 --> 00:20:16,084
[ Sighs ]
586
00:20:16,171 --> 00:20:20,349
You know, my dad was
a man among men, right?
587
00:20:20,436 --> 00:20:22,656
He just really knew
how to hang. He...
588
00:20:22,743 --> 00:20:24,266
Whenever his posse came over
589
00:20:24,353 --> 00:20:26,877
for a basketball game
or something, he was --
590
00:20:26,964 --> 00:20:28,357
You could just tell
he was the top dawg.
591
00:20:28,444 --> 00:20:29,706
You know,
like everywhere he was
592
00:20:29,793 --> 00:20:31,404
was the center of the room.
593
00:20:31,491 --> 00:20:34,407
That's, uh...great?
594
00:20:34,494 --> 00:20:36,104
[ Laughs ]
I'm sorry.
595
00:20:36,191 --> 00:20:38,759
I've just been thinking
a lot about my dad lately
596
00:20:38,846 --> 00:20:40,195
since I'm about to be one.
597
00:20:40,282 --> 00:20:42,458
Right. Yeah.Mm.
598
00:20:42,545 --> 00:20:44,068
Maybe we can help
each other.
599
00:20:44,155 --> 00:20:46,288
Okay, yeah.
600
00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:47,985
Cheers.
Cheers.
601
00:20:48,072 --> 00:20:49,726
To manhood.
602
00:20:49,813 --> 00:20:51,119
[ Gulps ]
603
00:20:51,206 --> 00:20:52,338
Yes!
604
00:20:52,425 --> 00:20:54,818
Ah-ha, the burn!
Mm!
605
00:20:54,905 --> 00:20:57,081
That's some wicked fucking
Greezhe right there.
606
00:20:57,168 --> 00:20:59,823
Yeah, you're, uh, ahem,
not supposed to --
607
00:20:59,910 --> 00:21:01,564
You know what's even better
than a white-wine bar?
608
00:21:01,651 --> 00:21:03,479
Hmm?
Absolutely everything.
609
00:21:03,566 --> 00:21:04,915
[ Laughs ]
Okay.
610
00:21:05,002 --> 00:21:07,396
But especially a bar
that hasn't opened yet.
611
00:21:07,483 --> 00:21:08,397
Okay.
612
00:21:08,484 --> 00:21:09,703
Yeah, I know a place.
613
00:21:09,790 --> 00:21:10,878
I think one of my wives
is there.
614
00:21:10,965 --> 00:21:14,011
Wait. What?
615
00:21:15,230 --> 00:21:17,276
Amy: Emma, your qualifications
are impeccable.
616
00:21:17,363 --> 00:21:19,016
Your references
gave glowing reports,
617
00:21:19,103 --> 00:21:20,714
with the exception
of Dani Monro,
618
00:21:20,801 --> 00:21:22,019
who called you
a traitorous pervert,
619
00:21:22,106 --> 00:21:23,978
but she says that
about everybody.
620
00:21:24,065 --> 00:21:26,676
Your portfolio
speaks for itself.
621
00:21:26,763 --> 00:21:29,549
However, I am left
wondering one thing.
622
00:21:29,636 --> 00:21:31,638
How I managed to kick
this much professional butt
623
00:21:31,725 --> 00:21:33,640
in 27 short years?
624
00:21:33,727 --> 00:21:36,512
S-Sorry. I, um -- I got
a little over my skis there.
625
00:21:36,599 --> 00:21:38,122
Um, I'm really nervous.
626
00:21:38,209 --> 00:21:40,473
Sure.
I'm not really 27.
627
00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:42,213
Gasp. Astonishment.
628
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:43,389
What? No way.
629
00:21:43,476 --> 00:21:44,781
[ Both chuckle ]
630
00:21:44,868 --> 00:21:48,829
So, just tell me about
your work-life balance.
631
00:21:48,916 --> 00:21:51,222
[ Chuckles ]
632
00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:53,399
Come on, Amy. I get it.
I get it.
633
00:21:53,486 --> 00:21:55,966
You're hesitant to hire
anyone who's in the family way
634
00:21:56,053 --> 00:21:57,533
for such
a high-level position.
635
00:21:57,620 --> 00:21:59,361
You know, can't risk me
bailing six months in.
636
00:21:59,448 --> 00:22:01,581
But, um, well,
once I have the girls --
637
00:22:01,668 --> 00:22:03,409
What's that?Huh?
638
00:22:03,496 --> 00:22:04,714
You said "girls." Plural.
639
00:22:04,801 --> 00:22:07,587
Shit. Uh...
640
00:22:07,674 --> 00:22:09,153
I'm having twins.
641
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:10,241
Oh.
642
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:11,678
Yeah, but Jack and Izzy --
643
00:22:11,765 --> 00:22:13,593
Wait. Izzy?
You already have a kid?
644
00:22:16,857 --> 00:22:18,685
Hello? [ Chuckles ]
645
00:22:18,772 --> 00:22:20,774
Sorry. I just realized
that this interview
646
00:22:20,861 --> 00:22:22,993
is gonna go a whole lot better
if I just stop talking.
647
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:24,517
[ Chuckles ]
648
00:22:24,604 --> 00:22:25,996
[ Rock music plays ]
649
00:22:29,173 --> 00:22:30,653
[ Laughs ]
650
00:22:30,740 --> 00:22:32,829
[ Speaks indistinctly ]Jack: Wait a second.
651
00:22:32,916 --> 00:22:35,092
You're not at home,
alphabetizing the spice rack?
652
00:22:35,179 --> 00:22:36,180
You're here
with Shaun and Nina?
653
00:22:36,267 --> 00:22:37,356
-Hey, babe.
-What a surprise.
654
00:22:37,443 --> 00:22:38,661
-What are you doing here?
-Hey.
655
00:22:38,748 --> 00:22:39,923
-Hey. Mmmm!
-Nice T-shirts, hoss.
656
00:22:40,010 --> 00:22:41,316
Going for the whole
657
00:22:41,403 --> 00:22:42,970
Douchebag-Jason-Bateman-
in-"Juno" look?
658
00:22:43,057 --> 00:22:45,102
No, this is actually --
The T-shirt-on-T-shirt look
659
00:22:45,189 --> 00:22:46,887
is back in vogue,
I'll have you know.
660
00:22:46,974 --> 00:22:48,584
Mnh.
You shoulda seen
what he was gonna wear.
661
00:22:48,671 --> 00:22:49,933
It was -- It was very bad.
662
00:22:50,020 --> 00:22:52,196
So, is this --
This is your new brah?
663
00:22:52,283 --> 00:22:55,765
Yeah. This is one of
my many male friends, Nathan.
664
00:22:55,852 --> 00:22:56,766
Nathan, Izzy.
665
00:22:56,853 --> 00:22:58,072
Hello.
Hi. Hey.
666
00:22:58,159 --> 00:22:59,595
Your hubby hired me
as a counselor
667
00:22:59,682 --> 00:23:01,162
at The Hawthorne School,
668
00:23:01,249 --> 00:23:03,382
and, uh, now I'm doing his job
better than he ever did.
669
00:23:03,469 --> 00:23:04,600
-Mmmm!
-Ooh!
670
00:23:04,687 --> 00:23:06,515
Nina: Ooh!
Super impressive.
671
00:23:06,602 --> 00:23:09,518
Oh, by the way, um, Carlton
from "Fresh Prince" called,
672
00:23:09,605 --> 00:23:11,651
and he wants
his sweet pink sweater back.
673
00:23:11,738 --> 00:23:13,435
Oh, well, I mean,
it -- It's not pink.
674
00:23:13,522 --> 00:23:15,306
It's -- It's Sunset Rose,
675
00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:16,786
and it was actually
very expensive, so...Don't even bother.
676
00:23:16,873 --> 00:23:18,266
You'll just make it worse
with her, right?
677
00:23:18,353 --> 00:23:20,137
-Yeah.
-Yep.
678
00:23:20,224 --> 00:23:21,835
Izzy is also a shrink.
679
00:23:21,922 --> 00:23:23,967
She works with troubled teens
at Directions.
Oh.
680
00:23:24,054 --> 00:23:26,709
Well, barely, since
the budget cuts, but, yes, I am.
681
00:23:26,796 --> 00:23:28,232
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
682
00:23:28,319 --> 00:23:30,539
And, I mean, if you weren't
currently doing drugs,
683
00:23:30,626 --> 00:23:32,889
I would ask
if you were interested
684
00:23:32,976 --> 00:23:34,674
in the fulfilling world
of education.
685
00:23:34,761 --> 00:23:38,504
Mm, thanks, but you can keep
your, uh, entitled rich kids
686
00:23:38,591 --> 00:23:40,723
with their faux damage, and
I will continue saving the world
687
00:23:40,810 --> 00:23:43,247
in just 18 hours a week.
688
00:23:43,334 --> 00:23:44,292
[ Chuckles ]
689
00:23:44,379 --> 00:23:45,554
Would you like some?
690
00:23:45,641 --> 00:23:48,122
No, I am good, thank you.
I can't.
691
00:23:48,209 --> 00:23:51,604
Said every man who paid too much
for a Sunset Rose sweater.
692
00:23:51,691 --> 00:23:53,214
I can.
693
00:23:53,301 --> 00:23:54,433
Hello, old friend.
694
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:56,609
Nina: Oh, shit!
You guys made it!
695
00:23:56,696 --> 00:23:57,914
Awesome!
-Hey!
696
00:23:58,001 --> 00:24:00,395
Shaun: Hey!
Drinks are on the house!
697
00:24:00,482 --> 00:24:03,354
But only 'cause I can't
legally charge you for them yet.
698
00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:05,966
Who wants shots?
Yeah?
699
00:24:06,053 --> 00:24:07,271
-Oh, yeah.
-Go for it.
700
00:24:07,358 --> 00:24:08,925
Shaun:
Straight for the top shelf, huh?
701
00:24:09,012 --> 00:24:11,014
Nothing but the best for
all these non-paying customers.
702
00:24:11,101 --> 00:24:13,234
Good. Awesome.
Have at it.
703
00:24:13,321 --> 00:24:14,409
Mm!
704
00:24:14,496 --> 00:24:15,584
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
705
00:24:15,671 --> 00:24:17,151
Big Dog's off his leash!
706
00:24:17,238 --> 00:24:18,805
Don't just stand there.
Bust a move.
707
00:24:18,892 --> 00:24:20,067
Hey, check it out.[ Nail gun fires ]
708
00:24:20,154 --> 00:24:21,242
-Shit!
-Nailed it!
709
00:24:21,329 --> 00:24:22,417
-Babe, put it down.
-No.
710
00:24:22,504 --> 00:24:24,288
That's a hard no,
John McClane.
711
00:24:24,375 --> 00:24:25,594
-There you go.
-Thanks.
712
00:24:25,681 --> 00:24:27,204
So, uh,
what're you drinking?
713
00:24:27,291 --> 00:24:29,250
Oh, you know,
I'll have a club s-- It's fine.
714
00:24:29,337 --> 00:24:32,427
You know, I-I've already had
my limit of Pinot Grigio, so...
715
00:24:32,514 --> 00:24:35,343
That sentence is gonna --
is gonna haunt you for a while.
716
00:24:35,430 --> 00:24:37,258
Mm.Hey, for shits and giggles,
717
00:24:37,345 --> 00:24:38,999
why don't
you just pitch me this job?
718
00:24:39,086 --> 00:24:40,957
Maybe I'll be interested.
719
00:24:41,044 --> 00:24:44,265
Well, there it is, that unearned
twentysomething arrogance.
720
00:24:44,352 --> 00:24:47,398
You know, if I didn't currently
have a stack of résumés
721
00:24:47,486 --> 00:24:49,444
from way more qualified
candidates than you
722
00:24:49,531 --> 00:24:52,882
who never once really dissed
this wonderful sweater, I --
723
00:24:52,969 --> 00:24:54,797
You're not listening --
724
00:24:54,884 --> 00:24:57,321
I wouldn't hire you.[ Group cheering ]
725
00:24:57,408 --> 00:24:58,671
-Whoo-hoo!
-Here's the floss.
726
00:24:58,758 --> 00:25:00,760
Man: Whoo! Whoo!
727
00:25:00,847 --> 00:25:04,546
Wow. Uh, this is gonna end
poorly for Big Dog.
728
00:25:04,633 --> 00:25:07,070
God, let's hope so.
729
00:25:07,157 --> 00:25:09,769
I'm married to him.
730
00:25:09,856 --> 00:25:11,771
So if you think I can't
create multiple humans,
731
00:25:11,858 --> 00:25:13,642
maintain a healthy marriage
to two spouses,
732
00:25:13,729 --> 00:25:15,644
and slay dragons at work,
then you haven't met me, lady,
733
00:25:15,731 --> 00:25:17,994
because I am still
Emma Goddamn Trakarsky,
734
00:25:18,081 --> 00:25:19,692
not some mobile incubator
who drops everything
735
00:25:19,779 --> 00:25:20,997
to wipe babies' butts
736
00:25:21,084 --> 00:25:23,130
and yell at passing cars
to slow down!
737
00:25:23,217 --> 00:25:25,001
Ow! Ow.
738
00:25:25,088 --> 00:25:26,699
D-Did you just say "ow"?Mm-hmm!
739
00:25:26,786 --> 00:25:28,439
Mm, ahh!
740
00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:30,703
Sorry. I feel like
I ate a couple puppies,
741
00:25:30,790 --> 00:25:32,574
and they grew into
two very large Dobermans,
742
00:25:32,661 --> 00:25:35,098
and they're currently trying
to eat their way out of me.
743
00:25:35,185 --> 00:25:38,101
Oh, dear.
Yeah, but I'm --
I'm just gonna play it cool
744
00:25:38,188 --> 00:25:41,583
until you tell me I'm
definitely not getting this job.
745
00:25:41,670 --> 00:25:46,196
Yeah, you are definitely
not getting this job.
746
00:25:46,283 --> 00:25:48,285
Okay.
No hard feelings.
747
00:25:48,372 --> 00:25:50,287
I'm just gonna call 911.
748
00:25:50,374 --> 00:25:51,462
[ Dialing ]
749
00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:53,987
Hi.
This is Emma Trakarsky,
750
00:25:54,074 --> 00:25:55,902
and, uh, yeah, I, um...
-Oh, dear.
751
00:25:55,989 --> 00:25:57,817
Oh, my God,
I'm about to explode!
752
00:25:57,904 --> 00:25:59,688
-Sorry.
-Yeah, no. No, no, no, no.
753
00:25:59,775 --> 00:26:01,995
No need
to call Homeland Security.
754
00:26:02,082 --> 00:26:03,823
Check, please.
755
00:26:03,910 --> 00:26:06,608
[ Rock music plays,
indistinct conversations ]
756
00:26:06,695 --> 00:26:09,698
♪♪
757
00:26:09,785 --> 00:26:12,179
[ Cellphones ringing ]
758
00:26:12,266 --> 00:26:16,052
♪♪
759
00:26:16,139 --> 00:26:18,838
Jack. Izzy.
760
00:26:18,925 --> 00:26:22,145
Jack! Izzy!
761
00:26:22,232 --> 00:26:24,365
[ Cellphones chime ]
762
00:26:25,758 --> 00:26:27,847
Jack. Izzy.
-Yeah?
763
00:26:27,934 --> 00:26:32,025
♪♪
764
00:26:32,112 --> 00:26:33,679
Can you turn down
the music?
765
00:26:35,245 --> 00:26:37,160
Can you turn down
the fucking music?!
766
00:26:37,247 --> 00:26:38,553
[ Music stops ]
767
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:40,381
Emma.
768
00:26:40,468 --> 00:26:42,775
♪ No sun, and the sky is gray
769
00:26:42,862 --> 00:26:45,821
♪ Find a good path
in the right place ♪
770
00:26:45,908 --> 00:26:48,824
♪ And let all your little walls
fall away to the floor ♪
771
00:26:48,911 --> 00:26:52,611
♪ You'll be thanking yourself
when you open the door ♪
772
00:26:52,698 --> 00:26:55,439
♪ All you got to do
is keep moving ♪
773
00:26:55,526 --> 00:26:56,963
♪ Keep moving
774
00:26:57,050 --> 00:26:58,617
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh
775
00:26:58,704 --> 00:27:01,489
♪ All you got to do
is keep moving ♪
776
00:27:01,576 --> 00:27:03,056
♪ Keep moving on
777
00:27:03,143 --> 00:27:04,623
♪ Keep moving
778
00:27:04,710 --> 00:27:07,408
♪ All you got to do
is keep moving ♪
779
00:27:07,495 --> 00:27:08,801
♪ Keep moving
780
00:27:08,888 --> 00:27:10,629
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh
781
00:27:10,716 --> 00:27:13,414
♪ All you got to do
is keep moving ♪
782
00:27:13,501 --> 00:27:20,116
♪♪
783
00:27:20,203 --> 00:27:25,774
♪♪
56569
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