Original subtitles

MALE: I'm gonna get a big tattoo of a rusty chain,

that goes from my leg

- and wraps around up my neck. - Ugh.

You can't just get a tattoo of a chain.

- You've got to earn it. - I will when I take over a ship.

- [ALL LAUGH] - Come on, Risik.

We deliver fuel and supplies to real pirates.

We're, like, pirate adjacent.

Right now I'm just a plunder sorter,

but I'm capable of way more.

Sure you are. Trash barrel.

Hey, did you guys see that Maleer got

big pieces of metal attached to her head?

- No way. - They look awesome.

She shaved off her hair and now she has these, like,

gnarly bolts sticking out.

Whoa! Maybe I'll get some of those, too.

How about you get an original idea for once?

I'm stealing. Pirates steal.

Uh, I think that makes you more of an Orion plagiarist.

[LAUGHING]

- [ALARM BLARING] - Huh?

Hailing frequency's open, Captain.

Small vessel, power down your engines

and we will board you without violence.

FEMALE: [SCOFFS] We have dilithium to deliver.

- This will put us behind. - Oh, hush, Z'oto.

Let's have some fun for once. They're right there.

ORION WOMAN: Captain, the vessel's speed is decreasing.

CAPTAIN: See? This'll be a quick pillage.

- They're powering weapons! - Raise shields.

Power relays are failing!

- Get them back online. - Trying to reroute power.

How did they access our system?

[ALL SCREAMING]

? ?

? ?

? ?

TENDI: And...

Done! [CHUCKLES]

All the diseases blocked by the transporter biofilter

after last week's shore leave, have been cataloged.

Next up is...

Nothing?

That can't be right.

There's always something to do.

Well, one of the great things about being a lieutenant JG,

is it's actually possible to finish your work.

We should do something fun!

Celebrating a lack of purpose is illogical.

Hey, Ma. What up?

I have exciting news for Lieutenant Tendi.

You've been granted leave to visit your family on Orion,

effective immediately.

Oh, wow. My family.

Apparently, your sister is getting married.

- Congratulations. - Wait, wedding, sister, parents?

Tendi, I-I'm sorry, I'm freaking out...

this is more backstory than I have

ever been able to get out of you.

Oh, that's okay, Captain Freeman.

I don't need to go. I mean,

there's so much work to catch up on.

[LAUGHS WEAKLY]

Starfleet is eager to demonstrate goodwill,

after the recent disappearance of an Orion ship.

Oh, right. If it's to help Starfleet, I...

- I guess I could go. - Thank you, Lieutenant.

[DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN, SHUT]

- [SIGHS] - Hey, you okay, D?

Yeah, I-I just haven't been home in so long.

Plus, they want me to be in the ceremony,

which means writing a speech.

Oh, and of course they'll want photos of all of us

in our belly dancer outfits.

Hmm. It is rare for outsiders to observe Orion rituals.

May I accompany you on this mission?

The High Council would find my report enlightening.

What? No! I mean, uh,

it's going to be super unenlightening, actually.

Come on, dude, T'Lyn's right. I mean,

nobody knows anything about your culture.

I have put my foot in my mouth enough

when it comes to Orion stuff.

We want to learn about the real you.

But the real me is just gonna be doing

a bunch of boring traditions.

Sounds awesome. Plus, I'm sorry, I just...

I have to get away from Boims and Rutherford.

Ever since they moved in together, they're, like,

finishing each other's sentences.

Their emotional closeness is unpleasant.

- [SIGHS] I don't know. - Please.

Let me support my number one Orion amiga.

Okay, sure. Why not?

Maybe it'll be good for you guys to see

what my homeworld is actually like.

Hell yeah. Triple threat girls' trip.

I hope we will be allowed to view their aquifers.

MARINER: [CHUCKLES] Ooh, okay. T'Lyn getting rowdy.

Ooh, love the new bedspread, roomie.

- Andorian linen? - You know it, roomie.

- So breathable. - So breathable.

It's like grandmama Boimler used to say:

"A cool duvet keeps the raisin rats away."

Speaking of sleep,

is there anything I can do to improve yours?

I know sometimes I shift around

when I'm engineering in my dreams.

Your squirming is so gentle.

It actually lulls me to sleep faster.

Aw, roomie, your presence comforts me, too.

I'm so glad we ended up bunking together.

- Nothing can stop Brutherford! - Brutherford!

[BOTH LAUGH]

- Ah. - Oh...

Whoopsie-doopsie.

I was just gonna give our bonsai here a little spritz.

Uh, I was, too. Lil Boney loves

a little watery hug in the morning.

I've got an algorithm which tells me exactly

how many ounces Lil Boney needs for optimal health.

Uh, yeah, but I've got a green thumb

from growing up on a vineyard.

You can't trust an algorithm for everything, right?

- Give me the mister. - Nope.

- Give it to me. - No!

- Give it to me! [GRUNTING] - I said no, Mr. Rutherford!

Oh, I'm sorry. What?

You grew up in a castle, like friggin' Billups?

Just a regular old Orion upbringing.

- No fancy stuff. - Halt!

- Hiyah! - [GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS] Get in the shuttle.

I'll hold them off while you guys get airborne.

Greetings, Mistress.

May we take your bags?

Hi, Syraa. Yes, please.

Ooh, I am sorry about that.

Uh, I think we can skip the sedan, if that's...

Whoop! [WEAK CHUCKLE]

All right, we're getting lugged by the big boys.

- Tendi, I'm sorry, are you loaded? - Oh, no.

We're barely the fifth-largest family in the Syndicate.

Orions downplay their wealth, while simultaneously

- making a spectacle of it. - [CHUCKLES]

I mean, you don't have to put that in your report, do you?

Look, I am from a post-scarcity world,

and this is still impressive.

Look at that big-ass gate!

TENDI: Oh, n... I mean, it's not that big.

D'Vana, my light in the dark.

Welcome home.

Mwah. Mwah.

Mariner, T'Lyn, meet my parents,

the Warrior Queen Shona and B'Rt.

So, you do have Starfleet friends.

I would say I've heard so much about you, but,

well, Orions don't lie.

- You don't? - No, we do all the time.

I can't stay silent any longer.

D'Vana, D'Erika's been kidnapped.

Oh, what? No way.

Bridal kidnappings are an Orion rite of passage.

Hmm. Interesting.

I'm sure the rival family will make their demands soon enough.

[SCOFFS] Brides are only abducted after save-the-dates

and before the invitations.

This is far too late.

Mom, you're overreacting.

As prime daughter it's up to you

to rescue your sister.

What is a prime?

I don't know, but it sounds cool as hell.

I concur.

You've turned your back on our traditions.

Oh, so this wasn't an invitation.

You just wanted me to rescue D'Erika.

Don't be dramatic. Of course it's nice to see you.

There's also a box of stuff

we want you to get out of the garage.

You have to save your sister.

Because you love her or because this wedding's

just an excuse to merge our house

with another Syndicate family?

Obviously both.

Ugh! Fine.

I knew we could count on you.

To the oil baths.

Wow, everyone here really loves

getting carried around on platters.

Who's ready for a very standard,

borderline boring Orion rescue mission?

Let's do it.

And then after, maybe we do

those oil baths I keep hearing about.

I've never asked you for anything!

I've never asked you for anything, too.

Aah!

[GASPS] You misted me.

It just went off in my hand.

Oh, we have the holodeck reserved.

How about we go have some fun, and then after,

maybe we'll get along better.

[GRUNTS]

? ?

[GASPS]

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]: Oh, what in the Sam Hill are you a-wearing?

I thought I was supposed to be Twain.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]: I say you are incorrect, sir.

I believe we decided I would be Twain.

Twin Twains? That dog won't hunt.

Uh, Mr. Clemens?

- Mm-hmm. That's me. - No, I'm Twain.

Switch costumes, you ignominious pretender.

You're more stubborn than a senate mule.

- Grits, grits, grits! - Tarnation!

- Fancy pants, big-city lawyer. - I say you are incorrect, sir.

I fail to understand why we must wear this attire

when we are clearly not Orions.

The material is inefficient.

I know the uniform is more comfortable, but,

Slit Throat has a dress code. [CHUCKLES]

You know, got to respect that they didn't even pretend

to add a pun in there.

It shows strength. I like it.

We're just gonna grab some info and be on our way.

MARINER: Sure, but how the hell are we getting in there?

Oh...

- Let us in. - Get in line. Oh...

Oh, Mistress of the Winter Constellations!

Oh, I didn't realize! Please don't flay me.

Oh, h-he's just kidding. I would never flay.

I owe you an eternal debt of gratitude.

My grandchildren will sing of this day.

- [DANCE MUSIC THUMPING] - Tendi.

Shame on you for not bringing me here before now.

? ?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Are we gonna talk about how everyone's in awe of Tendi?

She does command an unexpected gravitas

for someone so excitable.

It's on the house, Mistress.

And that is from the Madame.

- [GRUNTS] - Mariner!

[GRUNTING, GROANING] All good.

Ah, I love it, actually.

All part of the ambience.

[CHUCKLING]

Here for payback, D'Vana?

I don't know what you're talking about, Madame G.

- I'm just here looking for my sister. - Ugh.

Bridal kidnappings are so gaudy.

I thought the Tendis had class.

I don't care what you think, just what you know.

I've heard some whispers,

but you'll have to earn them.

Oh, please, can we not?

[SIGHS]

[HISSING, SNARLING]

Oh, has Starfleet softened you?

Ah. Yes. I love being soft.

Tendi, how are you so good at the murder-bug drinking game?

I don't know. It's my first time.

Guess I'm just a natural.

[COUGHS]

Nya'al is still in love with D'Erika.

Everyone knows it.

So you're saying he's to blame?

[COUGHING]

Bridenappings are for show.

But if it was Nya'al, D'Erika could really be in trouble.

- Let's get moving. - Ah, let's get brunch

- while you're in town, girl. - Oh, for sure.

There is no way I'm calling her.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]: And you, sir, are as clever

as an alley cat on his tenth life.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]: I am but a humble crumb

on the biscuit of your wit, sir.

[GUFFAWING]

I say, I can't believe two charming devils

such as ourselves were ever at odds,

my identical friend.

[REGULAR ACCENT]: Yeah. For some reason, when we're both Mark Twain,

we seem to be able to really find common ground

- without any lingering resentment. - [CLEARS THROAT]

[CLEARS THROAT] [SOUTHERN ACCENT]: I mean, uh,

to paraphrase the old rail-splitter,

a house divided in Twain cannot stand.

- [GUFFAWING] - Okeydokey.

It would be my honor if you would mist the bonsai

on odd stardates, my doppleganging devil.

And you, sir, shall have the evens.

RANSOM [ON COMMS]: Lieutenants Boimler and Rutherford,

- report to the bridge. - I say, we're on the way, sir.

Computer, arch.

[REGULAR ACCENT]: Why are vests so complicated?

So, uh, Tendi, would you like to talk

about how you totally whupped ass back there?

Oh, yeah, sorry about that.

High school friendships always age weird, you know?

This next place will be way more chill.

Fascinating. Orions attend secondary education.

Yeah. I wasn't going to get into Starfleet Academy

because I can tie a lot of knots.

How many knots can you tie?

Mm... [WEAK CHUCKLE]

Hey, I, eh... who cares? We've all tied some knots.

Knots are fun.

? ?

[LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT CHATTER]

MARINER: Ooh, pretty nice hump dungeon.

I think they have one of these in New Seattle.

These are pretty common on Orion.

The males appear to be under some sort

of chemical manipulation,

perhaps controlled by pheromones.

- Don't log that. - Yeah, Tendi's made it clear

that Starfleet made those pheromones up.

I mean, they had to explain why a captain

would get taken out by some Orion showgirls.

CLUBGOER: Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.

Blast me with more 'mones.

- [INHALING] - Huh.

Uh, technically, I said that not all Orions

control men with pheromones. Some of us definitely do,

- just not me. - [MALE WHOOPS]

- Nya'al! - Oh, [BLEEP]!

Get back here!

Nya'al's got some speed for being

a big ol' hunk of ham steak.

He is aesthetically pleasing.

[CRYING]

Mistress, I swear I know nothing.

I'm just a 'monehead.

I spend all day and night hopped up on the stink.

So what's gonna spill first... your mouth or your guts?

Uh, I heard that in a holo-movie.

- FEMALE: D'Vana? - [PATRONS GASP]

Why are you threatening one of my most obedient boys?

Relax, have a drink, get lascivious.

I'm not interested in any of the sexy nonsense, Ingreeta.

I'm here for D'Erika's ex.

Pity...

The D'Vana I know would never turn down

- a cage shower. - [SHORT CHUCKLE] She's kidding.

Tell them you're kidding.

It never mattered that she didn't have the pheromones.

- She didn't need it. - [INHALING]

Men would simply fall at her feet, stricken.

You stricked people?

Are all pheromonal Orions naturally manipulative

or is it specific to this woman?

How dare you judge me, Vulcan?

[GRUNTS] [BLEEP]!

Oh, what are the odds?

Are-Are you seeing this?

You can't come into my scentuary and insult me.

Prepare to face my thrall.

Kill her.

Tendi, look out for the hunks!

[GRUNTING]

Oh, man, another pheromone dungeon?

Wh-What did you do to him?

Just a little compound I mixed up

to counteract the effects of the pheromone.

Would be a pity if I dispersed the whole bottle in here.

Don't! All I have is my stink.

Nya'al, tell her what you know.

I've been a mess since D'Erika got engaged,

but, all I did was give myself over to the 'mones.

Sometimes I follow her and watch wistfully from a distance.

Last time, she was just wandering around

the ship graveyard.

All right, that makes sense. You're a good guy, Nya'al.

- You should go home. - I will.

Stop groveling.

- Lick my foot. - Yes, ma'am.

[MALE ROARING]

- Dude, your 'stache. - [YELPS]

[ROARS]

With all due respect, Coqqor,

you have no claim to this sector.

That nebula is ours to scan.

No. Your vessel will interfere with our data gathering.

We can power down systems or share the data...

We don't trust Starfleet data.

- It's too nuanced and thorough. - I'm sorry,

but analyzing that nebula, is my mission.

Are you willing to die for it?

If we can't resolve this the nebula will phase shift

and neither of us will get to scan it.

Then so it shall be!

[SCOFFS] Close channel.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance

to scan an oscillating nebula.

There has to be something we can do to find common ground

without any lingering resentment.

Uh, Captain?

Uh, there is one thing.

What?

[CHUFFING]

Why am I wearing this itchy hair hat?

Is this it?

No. You have to talk to each other.

[CLEARS THROAT] Thank you, Captain,

for agreeing to do... this.

No, you have to do the accent.

[GROANS]

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]: I say, uh, uh, uh, uh,

my-my good creature,

uh, the moral arc of history is a m...

Oh, what the hell am I supposed to say, Lieutenant?

Homespun aphorisms about compromise.

[ROARS]

Okay, uh, maybe you try that in a Southern accent.

[EXCLAIMS] I am from South Chalnoth.

That was a Southern accent.

[ROARS]

Whoa!

[GRUNTING]

[GLASS BREAKING]

[REGULAR ACCENT]: What the hell made you two think

- this would work? - We-we were arguing a lot

and we both dressed like Mark Twain.

Something about us talking old-timey

helped us figure out who should water our bonsai.

What is bonsai?

Oh, oh, watch out.

There's a loose panel over there.

Curious. You seem familiar with this location,

yet it appears to be abandoned.

D'Erika and I used to sneak away here when we were little.

There!

That was one of our favorites.

I loved pretending I was off-planet, exploring space.

Doing anything other than pirating.

Guys, I have to come clean about something.

I wasn't just a regular Orion teenager.

I was trained to be a Syndicate assassin.

MARINER: Tendi, yeah, we know, girl.

You can't just say you're joking around

when you kick-flip a knife out of the air.

Your upbringing was quite obvious.

I just hate that you guys had to see the real me.

Tends, the real you

is the one who geeks out about science on the Cerritos.

But I'm a prime, you know? A...

A trained assassin.

It's-it's the most piratey someone can be.

Incorrect. You are who you choose to be.

A Starfleet lieutenant and a loyal friend.

Don't worry, we know you're a big nerd

and not some hot assassin.

[SIGHS] That is the nicest thing

anyone's ever said to me.

It's so weird to be here.

This is where I told my sister that I was joining Starfleet.

More like where you decided to abandon your family.

TENDI: D'Erika?!

Hey, we did it. Case closed.

You kidnapped yourself.

Wow, did Starfleet teach you those amazing detective skills?

Was this just to get me to show up for the wedding?

I would have just come.

Classic D'Vana...

Always assuming it's about you.

[GRUNTING]

Ha, ha. Nope. I'm gonna stand way over here.

Fascinating, Orions primarily resolve disputes through violence.

No, no, that is not true. [WEAK CHUCKLE]

D'Erika, please, can we just talk about this?

I'll let my blade do the talking.

[GRUNTS] Oh, come on!

- D'Erika, don't stab my friends. - [CHUCKLES]

What are you gonna do about it?

Teach you how to respect your prime.

[GRUNTS]

Yes, yes.

Beautiful.

We love it, too. Super hard to raise.

Yeah, he's basically a son to us.

Every day we have to make sure

he gets just the right amount of...

[POT SHATTERS]

Now I'm thirsty for mist.

[GLUGGING]

I'm sated.

You may inspect the nebula.

But pray I don't change my mind.

Yes, yes, you are very intimidating.

- Thank you. - [DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN]

- Lil Boney. - Lil Boney.

[GRUNTING] I don't get it.

Why do this? Why kidnap yourself?

Because I knew it was the only way

to get you to come home.

- [GRUNTS] - You didn't invite me.

Oh, would you have even come? [GRUNTING]

You haven't been home once since you left.

Yeah, I've kind of been busy. Hiyah!

[GRUNTING]

With what... Scanning?

Why is Starfleet so obsessed with scanning?

To learn stuff!

- You abandoned me for science. - [GRUNTING]

Don't.

You were trained from birth

to be the Tip of the Moonlit Blade,

the greatest duty of the Mistress

of the Winter Constellations.

I didn't ask for that.

Neither did I.

[GRUNTS]

You forced this on me without asking.

Running to Starfleet was your choice,

but it meant all your duties fell on me.

I had to train, I had to be the Mistress.

I had to drop my whole life to become the new prime.

You're right.

I should have talked to you before I left

instead of just assuming you'd want to take my place.

I'm sorry.

[GRUNTS]

Of course I wanted to take your place.

But I'm no D'Vana Tendi.

Once I'm married, people are going to see

that I'm a pale comparison.

Are you kidding me?

The only reason I felt comfortable leaving

was because I knew you would be better at it than me.

You just kicked my butt.

You're an amazing prime.

[SIGHS] I guess I did kick it a little bit.

A lot a bit.

D'Erika, I always loved science.

That was my path.

This is yours.

Yeah, lady, if you're worried about not being a badass,

I have some good news for you.

I, too, was alarmed by your combat abilities.

You really think I can do this?

You absolutely belong on the Crime Throne.

That means a lot. [GASPS]

- What time is it? - The bridal procession

is scheduled to begin in under two hours.

We are never going to make it back in time.

[GRUNTS] I might not be a pirate,

but I've rerouted my fair share of EPS conduits.

Who wants to hotwire a stolen ship?

- I do not. - Oh, stop, stop, stop.

We're in.

D'ERIKA: See?

Sometimes being an Orion pirate isn't so bad.

Yeah, it does come in handy.

I know you're turning in your observations

to the High Council, but,

maybe could you leave off some of the stabbings?

Curious. My report appears to have been damaged.

Orion culture will have to remain undocumented.

But why?

A report without the subject's consent would be unethical.

- [ALARM BLARING] - Oh, no!

I think the plasma manifold just ruptured.

D'ERIKA: We're losing altitude.

The goddess chooses our fates now!

[GATES OPEN]

Mom, Dad, found her!

Sorry, sorry, had to steal a ship.

Oh, my special girls. [SNIFFLES]

Accomplices.

Ah, he looks radiant.

? ?

That's when I got stabbed in the shoulder

during the daddy-daughter dagger dance.

This is when we encountered a priest with an eight-pack.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

And, uh, this is when D'Erika

swung her husband across the threshold.

Yeah, well, our bonsai got gobbled up by a Chalnoth.

Yeah, yeah, a-and the captain forbid us

from playing Mark Twain on the holodeck.

Are you guys jealous? Ugh.

It was just a wedding.

Why would we ever want to go to an awesome pirate wedding

on a planet nobody ever gets to see?!

Aw, sorry you can't release

some of this anger with Mr. Clemens.

Shockingly, it's not

the universal problem solver we thought it was.

Yeah, but we've got it covered.

Ooh, like, today we were arguing about whether

to hang an oil painting of the Enterprise-D

or watercolor of the Enterprise-D.

Well, you guys just talked about your feelings

with honesty, right?

Yeah, I guess we could try that.

[UPPER-CLASS ACCENT]: Shall we go with an acrylic of the D, Mozart?

[UPPER-CLASS ACCENT]: An exceptional compromise, Mozart.

Then let us tickle the ivories.

- [BOTH PLAYING] - [GUFFAWS]

RUTHERFORD [REGULAR ACCENT]: Dang...

This thing is really hard to play.

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