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1
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,552
And since I am strongly
of the opinion...
2
00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:12,922
that we are already
providing more than
3
00:02:12,923 --> 00:02:14,919
enough entertainment for visitors,
4
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:19,153
I wish to propose the motion
that the provision of more
5
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:22,517
would be detrimental to the
good name of the borough.
6
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,354
- Knickers.
- Please, Councillor.
7
00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:27,598
Strike that from the
minutes, Miss Drew.
8
00:02:27,599 --> 00:02:29,354
I beg your pardon, Your Worship?
9
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:31,397
Don't take down "knickers".
10
00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:33,790
Chance would be a fine
thing, wouldn't it, love?
11
00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:36,566
Councillor Fiddler, I
really must request you
12
00:02:36,567 --> 00:02:39,194
to moderate your language
when in committee.
13
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:41,033
I second that.
14
00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:43,476
I do beg the committee's
pardon, Your Worship.
15
00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,788
But all this bleeding
codswallop about mucking
16
00:02:45,789 --> 00:02:47,873
up the name of the
borough gets on my wick.
17
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,395
- Should I...
- No, no.
18
00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:53,437
Oh, gorblimey, why
don't we face facts?
19
00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:55,866
We don't attract visitors
to this dump because
20
00:02:55,867 --> 00:02:57,912
there's nothing for
them to flipping do.
21
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,246
Of course, we are
well aware that Mr...
22
00:03:00,247 --> 00:03:02,552
Fiddler would like
to see more people
23
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:05,103
in that so-called
amusement arcade of
24
00:03:05,104 --> 00:03:07,760
his, playing on those
dreadful machines.
25
00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:09,970
You're dead right.
Do you know how much
26
00:03:09,971 --> 00:03:11,993
What the Butler Saw
took last season?
27
00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,675
£1.60... that works out at
about two pence a grope.
28
00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:16,319
Please.
29
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,295
I really do feel
that we are somewhat
30
00:03:18,296 --> 00:03:19,791
straying from the point here.
31
00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:22,630
That is the point. It's
the only indoor amusement
32
00:03:22,631 --> 00:03:25,160
we have, except snogging
under the bandstand.
33
00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:27,267
I do feel, you know,
that Councillor
34
00:03:27,268 --> 00:03:29,075
Fiddler does have a point there,
35
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:32,995
considering our very high
seasonal rainfall figure.
36
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,037
Oh, really, Mr Mayor?
37
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:37,680
Personally, I think it
is quite an average one.
38
00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:40,992
If you think nine inches is an
average one, you've been spoilt.
39
00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:42,309
Yes...
40
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:43,959
yes, yes.
41
00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:46,316
Does anyone else have
any useful suggestions?
42
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:48,995
- I have.
- What is that, Councillor?
43
00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:52,790
- Miss Fircombe.
- I beg your pardon?
44
00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:55,103
Miss Fircombe... a beauty
queen. That's what
45
00:03:55,104 --> 00:03:57,079
we want. All the best
resorts have 'em.
46
00:03:57,160 --> 00:04:00,597
Mr Mayor, I think we have wasted
quite enough time here today,
47
00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:03,149
and I propose that you
close the meeting.
48
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:06,199
Please. Mrs Prodworthy, please.
49
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:10,513
I do feel that the proposal
merits some discussion.
50
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:16,193
Mr Mayor, you are well aware
of my views on women's rights.
51
00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:18,848
And there can never
be anything proper in
52
00:04:18,849 --> 00:04:21,355
young women being shown
off like cattle,
53
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:24,831
for the sexual gratification
of a lot of drooling men.
54
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,195
Bowls.
55
00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:28,636
I beg your pardon, Alderman Pratt?
56
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,599
A bowls competition.
That's what we need.
57
00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:35,276
Poor old Pratt. He
really will have to go.
58
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:38,831
And so will I. We've heard quite
enough rubbish spoken here today.
59
00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:41,799
Oh, but we still wish to
hear yours, Mrs Prodworthy.
60
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:46,074
Your views, I mean.
61
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:48,516
I think I have made
myself perfectly clear.
62
00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:51,354
And as far as I am concerned,
the matter is closed.
63
00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:53,397
Good morning.
64
00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:55,358
Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear.
65
00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:57,397
I'm afraid that's that, then.
66
00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:00,393
We're still in committee. I
propose we put it to the vote.
67
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:05,077
- What? Without Mrs Prodworthy?
- We've still got a quorum.
68
00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:07,117
Yes.
69
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:10,157
Yeah, all right, then.
70
00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:14,393
All those in favour of the
motion to hold a beauty contest?
71
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:18,837
One only.
72
00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:21,355
How about you? You were
all for it a moment ago.
73
00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:22,590
Very well.
74
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:25,838
All those against?
75
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:30,596
Two also. I'm afraid we still
haven't a majority, Councillor.
76
00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:32,637
Hang on just a minute.
77
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:35,872
Oi. You're all for it, ain't you?
78
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,714
Yes... any time.
79
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:41,110
Carried.
80
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,431
- Morning, madam.
- Good morning, William.
81
00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,116
Mrs Dukes.
82
00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:52,095
Let me give you a hand, Mrs Dukes.
83
00:05:52,096 --> 00:05:53,317
Thank you, William.
84
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:55,357
It's been a...
85
00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:59,314
Go. One, two, three.
86
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:07,476
Thank you, William. Are
you all right now?
87
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:10,120
Yes, thank you. It were
just a touch of... eugh.
88
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:12,874
I generally get it at
this time of the... whay.
89
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:15,111
Yes, it's the sea air.
90
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,317
Yes.
91
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:20,313
Hello, Mrs Dukes. I thought
you were going to the cinema.
92
00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:22,716
I did, but I had to leave.
A young man sat next
93
00:06:22,717 --> 00:06:25,031
to me and started to make
improper suggestions.
94
00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:27,516
Again? You should
complain to the manager.
95
00:06:27,517 --> 00:06:29,592
I can't. He's after
me too, you see.
96
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:33,560
Well, perhaps you shouldn't make
yourself look quite so attractive.
97
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:35,916
I can't help it. I give
out waves, you know.
98
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,000
Really?
99
00:06:37,001 --> 00:06:39,596
Yes, my late husband
used to call it "oomph."
100
00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:48,791
William... have you
seen Mr Fiddler?
101
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,111
Yes... not a bad
photo, considering.
102
00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:53,920
No, I don't mean this. I
mean, has he been in?
103
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:55,878
Ah.
104
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,917
Yes, it was last Tuesday.
105
00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,992
Has he been in today?
106
00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:01,514
Today?
107
00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:03,557
Now, let me see...
108
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,699
Never mind, William. If
you do see him, could
109
00:07:05,700 --> 00:07:07,714
you tell him I'd like
to see him right away?
110
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:09,314
Yes.
111
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,631
What shall I tell him
if I don't see him?
112
00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:14,712
Nothing, William. Nothing.
113
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:17,235
Yes, I'll try and remember
that, Mrs Philpotts.
114
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:22,871
- Is the Admiral all right?
- Yes, I think so.
115
00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:26,999
He's quite old, you know. He's
not as fit as some of us.
116
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,436
Whay-ahh.
117
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:47,877
We don't need your
recommendation, thank you.
118
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,792
Go on, hop it.
119
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:57,036
Blimey, it's all happening here.
120
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,720
I'll get him. I am the greatest.
121
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:04,554
I beg your pardon. I thought
I was back in the game then.
122
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,853
Willy, I want a nice
double room, with
123
00:08:06,854 --> 00:08:08,839
hot and cold running chambermaids.
124
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:10,877
Yes, sir.
125
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,998
Here, does that mean you and Mrs
Philpotts are going to do it?
126
00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:15,080
Don't be filthy.
127
00:08:15,081 --> 00:08:17,198
I didn't mean that.
I mean get hitched.
128
00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,636
No, I wouldn't say that.
We're just good friends.
129
00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:21,740
Oh. Well, I wouldn't
bank on that for
130
00:08:21,741 --> 00:08:23,760
the minute if I were
you, Mr Fiddler.
131
00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:25,320
Oh. It's like that, is it?
132
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,756
Yes. Oh... I'm glad
you reminded me.
133
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,797
Mrs Philpotts said to tell you...
134
00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:32,156
Now, I must get this right.
135
00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:34,197
Take your time.
I've got all night.
136
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,317
No, that wasn't it...
Yes, it was. No.
137
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:39,916
No, it wasn't. Dearie me.
It's on the tip of my tongue.
138
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,310
- Your finger.
- My finger, yes.
139
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,357
No, that wasn't it.
140
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:47,672
While you're thinking, get
that number for me, will you?
141
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,717
I'll remember it, don't you worry.
142
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:52,360
I'll get this number for
you while I'm waiting.
143
00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:56,237
Hoyah-mm.
144
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:58,277
Get off. Hoya... shoom.
145
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:01,877
All right, I'll do it myself.
146
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:02,960
Gorblimey.
147
00:09:02,961 --> 00:09:04,794
I'm only doing my
best, that's all.
148
00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:08,440
Give me that thing. What's
the matter with you?
149
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:10,955
Give me the book. Thank you.
150
00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:15,316
01-754-3230.
151
00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:20,751
Potter Publicity Bureau. To
whom do you wish to speak?
152
00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:23,400
Hello, Paula. Sid here,
Sid Fiddler. How are you?
153
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:24,704
Oh, very well, thank you.
154
00:09:24,705 --> 00:09:26,518
You haven't changed.
Is Peter there?
155
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,375
It's that terrible
man Sidney Fiddler.
156
00:09:28,376 --> 00:09:30,150
You don't want to
talk to him, do you?
157
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:32,391
- I'd better.
- You know what he's like.
158
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:33,920
He may have something for me.
159
00:09:33,921 --> 00:09:36,520
If it's like the last time,
you'll need bailing out.
160
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,593
I can handle him. Hello, Sid?
161
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,956
- Hello, Pete. How's business?
- Great, great.
162
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:44,839
I've got a job here you'd
love to get your teeth into.
163
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,080
What is it? He's got a job for me.
164
00:09:47,081 --> 00:09:48,081
I can imagine.
165
00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:51,471
I want you to do the publicity for
a beauty contest here in Fircombe.
166
00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:53,950
A beauty contest...
What, you mean girls?
167
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:55,713
I don't mean budgerigars.
168
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:58,047
Oh, I don't know. I
don't think Paula would
169
00:09:58,048 --> 00:10:00,397
like me getting mixed
up with a lot of girls.
170
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,790
- Why not?
- Well, we're engaged.
171
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:04,917
And you know how
jealous Paula can be.
172
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:08,835
Just think of all those lovely 38s
and 40s bobbling up and down.
173
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:10,877
I am. Phwoar.
174
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:16,400
Sounds an interesting assignment,
Sid, putting Fircombe on the map.
175
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:19,632
Writing about local trade
figures and that sort of thing.
176
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:22,140
Oh, she's come back into
the office, has she?
177
00:10:22,141 --> 00:10:23,350
What's the job worth?
178
00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:25,434
£100, in round
figures. And there'll
179
00:10:25,435 --> 00:10:27,320
be plenty of those, I promise you.
180
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:29,039
£100?
181
00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:31,112
It could be more.
I'm on the council.
182
00:10:31,113 --> 00:10:32,955
I think I'd better come down, Sid.
183
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:36,192
That's my boy. Don't take any
of that old guff from Paula.
184
00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:38,643
If she doesn't like it,
tell her she can lump it.
185
00:10:38,644 --> 00:10:40,911
That's how to deal with
women, treat 'em rough.
186
00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:47,438
Hello, sweetheart.
I didn't see you.
187
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:50,035
Obviously. I'd like
to see you, Sidney...
188
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:52,077
right away.
189
00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:55,317
Ah, that's it.
190
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:57,676
Mrs Philpotts wants to
see you right away.
191
00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:01,037
- Thank you, Willy.
- I knew I'd get it.
192
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,680
And how's my favourite
little hotel keeper today?
193
00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:06,319
Hungry... very hungry.
194
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,066
So would I be if I
had to eat here.
195
00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:09,074
But I haven't eaten.
196
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,473
Are you on a diet again?
197
00:11:10,474 --> 00:11:12,392
No, you had asked me out to lunch.
198
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:14,437
Oh. Blimey, so I did.
I'm sorry, love.
199
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,592
I've had a very busy day. I've
been in it right up to here.
200
00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:19,637
So I see.
201
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,677
That's it. Great idea, isn't it?
202
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:23,717
Oh, for you, I'm sure it is.
203
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,757
No, I did it mainly
for you, darling.
204
00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:27,115
For me? Oh, really?
205
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:29,015
You've got a hotel.
Just think of all
206
00:11:29,016 --> 00:11:30,830
the people this will
bring into town.
207
00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:34,277
You'll be packed out. And the
beauty contestants will stay here.
208
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,653
Of course, I hadn't
thought of that. Now,
209
00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:38,673
that was very clever
of you, Sidney.
210
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:40,991
You know me, love.
Anything for you.
211
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:42,434
Anything but marriage.
212
00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:44,571
As I was saying, you'll
have at least a dozen
213
00:11:44,572 --> 00:11:46,355
beauty queens staying
here for a start.
214
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:47,640
At the usual rate?
215
00:11:47,641 --> 00:11:50,400
You can't charge the
contestants, can you?
216
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:51,960
Why not?
217
00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:54,077
Well, they're the
bait, aren't they?
218
00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:56,318
When people hear about
these dolly birds
219
00:11:56,319 --> 00:11:58,791
staying here, they'll
queue up for your rooms.
220
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:01,904
I don't doubt that. But
I won't have anything
221
00:12:01,905 --> 00:12:04,797
going on here that might
upset my regulars.
222
00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:07,127
Don't worry. I've fixed
that. There will be
223
00:12:07,128 --> 00:12:09,272
a full-time chaperone
here day and night.
224
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:11,317
Well, that is better.
225
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:12,959
Who?
226
00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:15,999
It wasn't easy, but we got it down
to a short list of possibles.
227
00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:17,830
We had to find people
that would not
228
00:12:17,831 --> 00:12:19,391
take advantage of the situation.
229
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:22,234
Somebody honest and dependable
with strict morals.
230
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:24,277
- And?
- They talked me into it.
231
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:27,319
I knew it. Chaperone? You and
a bunch of beauty queens?
232
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:30,472
It's like asking Dracula to
be in charge of a blood bank.
233
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:33,917
Darling, that's not true. You know
I don't go for beautiful women.
234
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,957
- I like you.
- That does it. Get out.
235
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:37,327
All right, I'm going.
236
00:12:37,328 --> 00:12:39,397
You lecherous so-and-so. Get out.
237
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:51,394
Really, Mother. I don't see
why I have to come too.
238
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:54,120
You haven't come to since
the day you were born.
239
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,159
Look.
240
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:00,800
You were there when he
gave out this statement.
241
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:03,759
You even took this photograph
of the revolting man.
242
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:06,594
I want you here as a witness
to what the Mayor says.
243
00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:08,637
She's still under way, sir.
244
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,677
She's not heaving to, sir.
245
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:15,832
Very well, Mr Christian,
fire a shot across her bows.
246
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,798
Aye aye, sir.
247
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,837
Oh, come along, answer the door.
248
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,037
All right, I'm coming.
249
00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:32,359
Sorry if I kept you waiting.
I was in the lav, you see.
250
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:36,478
Mrs Bumble, I wish to speak
to your husband immediately.
251
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:38,517
You'd better come in, then.
252
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,714
I've only got to go to the lav and
253
00:13:42,715 --> 00:13:44,630
someone starts
knocking at the door.
254
00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:46,677
It's almost as if they knew.
255
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:49,036
Mind you, I must admit,
I do go rather a lot.
256
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,951
Well, I'm not here
to take a census
257
00:13:50,952 --> 00:13:52,477
on toilet habits, Mrs Bumble.
258
00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:54,517
Please take me to your husband.
259
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,876
I couldn't disturb him
now, dear. He's upstairs.
260
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:58,917
Well, I damn well can.
261
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,957
Very well, Mr Christian.
262
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:03,794
Stand by to ram and board her.
263
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,634
You've seen this, I presume?
264
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,677
Yes, but...
265
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:11,673
you have no right to be
in here, Mrs Prodworthy.
266
00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:13,991
Never mind that. Do you
mean to tell me that,
267
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:16,060
in my absence, the
committee actually
268
00:14:16,061 --> 00:14:17,676
approved this disgusting idea?
269
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:20,316
Mrs Prodworthy, I hardly
think that this is
270
00:14:20,317 --> 00:14:22,755
the time or the place
to discuss matters.
271
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:25,594
Poppycock. I've seen men
naked before, you know.
272
00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:27,717
Damn it, I've buried
three husbands.
273
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,359
I'm not surprised to hear it.
274
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:31,397
Excuse us, sir.
275
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,949
- Come along, Mother, please.
- Now, you shut up.
276
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,874
I want a straight answer. Was
it or was it not approved?
277
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:40,317
Mrs Prodworthy, I refuse to
discuss this with you in my bath.
278
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,437
I am not in your bath,
thank goodness.
279
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:44,557
- Was it or wasn't it?
- Yes, it was, but...
280
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:48,111
Then I must warn you that I mean
to fight it to the bitter end.
281
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,157
Mrs Prodworthy.
282
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:52,311
I have a civic duty to
support any project...
283
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:56,280
Oh, fiddlesticks. You
are a weak-kneed ass.
284
00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:58,577
And as far as I can
see, you are as poorly
285
00:14:58,578 --> 00:15:00,639
equipped to carry out
your civic duties
286
00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:02,677
as your domestic ones.
287
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:08,317
That's what the job's all about.
288
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:11,040
I still don't see why you
have to stay down there.
289
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:13,271
They need some on-the-spot
publicity now.
290
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:15,920
I've done all I can at this
end. Surely you understand?
291
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:17,904
No. Stop being so
secretive and tell
292
00:15:17,905 --> 00:15:19,550
me what the job's really about.
293
00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:22,394
- It's a publicity campaign.
- To publicise what?
294
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:25,951
Fircombe. They're having a sort
of competition to go with it.
295
00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:27,633
Like spot the boobs?
296
00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:29,518
What? What made you say that?
297
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,121
Well, like the one spotting the
298
00:15:31,122 --> 00:15:33,230
deliberate mistakes
on cornflake packets.
299
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:35,085
Well, not quite like that. It's to
300
00:15:35,086 --> 00:15:37,109
encourage people to
come to Fircombe.
301
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:39,032
You haven't exactly
encouraged me to.
302
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:41,635
I couldn't trust myself to
ask you to come with me.
303
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:43,819
I'd burst in and try
to make love to you.
304
00:15:43,820 --> 00:15:45,680
You know I wouldn't
let that happen.
305
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:48,514
Exactly, that's why I didn't...
didn't want the temptation.
306
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:51,479
Anyway, I'd lose my job, and then
I couldn't afford to marry you.
307
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:54,314
Excuse me, are you
going to Fircombe?
308
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:56,756
This train's going there, yes.
309
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:58,433
Good.
310
00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:00,477
- Do you know that girl?
- No.
311
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,597
Funny, she's going
to Fircombe too.
312
00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:05,593
- A lot of people must live there.
- Are we all right for Fircombe?
313
00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:08,434
- I'm sure you are.
- Thanks.
314
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:12,070
I'm beginning to understand why
you don't want me down there.
315
00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:14,409
Don't be ridiculous,
darling. You're the
316
00:16:14,410 --> 00:16:16,439
only girl in my life,
you know that.
317
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,464
Is this the train for
the beauty contest?
318
00:16:20,465 --> 00:16:21,754
Yes, that's right.
319
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:24,275
- Oh, good. Are you coming?
- Certainly not.
320
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,636
Perhaps you're right.
Are you in this one?
321
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:28,790
That's right, I am.
322
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:31,031
Oh, I'll join you, then.
323
00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:34,983
You didn't say anything
about a beauty contest.
324
00:16:34,984 --> 00:16:36,314
I think I'd better go.
325
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,357
Excuse me.
326
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,871
Well, goodbye, darling. I'll
be back as soon as I can.
327
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:49,956
Oh. Oh.
328
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,960
Why didn't you wait until
we were in the tunnel?
329
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:55,997
I thought I was. Sorry.
330
00:16:57,360 --> 00:16:59,317
Sorry, darling.
331
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:01,357
Kiss?
332
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:10,597
I'll take bust any time.
333
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:12,637
Bust. Any time.
334
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,947
I saw them soaking
in the bathroom last
335
00:17:17,948 --> 00:17:20,034
night, and in the
morning they were gone.
336
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:22,263
Mrs Dukes, I cannot
believe that one of these
337
00:17:22,264 --> 00:17:24,080
young ladies would
take your knickers.
338
00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:55,480
I'll make enquiries, of
course. What were they like?
339
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,517
Red flannelette... reinforced.
340
00:17:57,600 --> 00:17:59,751
Yes, I see. Well, I'm
sure they must turn up.
341
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:02,716
They can't. They've got
elastic at the bottom.
342
00:18:02,717 --> 00:18:03,717
How chic.
343
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:05,353
Well, I'm sure they'll be fine.
344
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:07,888
I certainly hope so,
because I don't feel at
345
00:18:07,889 --> 00:18:10,390
all safe walking about
this town without any.
346
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:13,120
- Perhaps I can help, Mrs Dukes.
- Oh, Admiral.
347
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:16,238
Come outside, madam. I've
got something to show you.
348
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:21,510
- What do you mean? Where?
- All will be revealed, madam.
349
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:23,796
Across the promenade there. Look.
350
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:32,711
I've got to check all
your measurements.
351
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:35,759
- I've never had it before.
- The experience will do you good.
352
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:38,196
- Sidney, I'd like a word.
- Yes, love, what is it?
353
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:39,766
It's about these complaints.
354
00:18:39,767 --> 00:18:42,194
I'm not complaining.
Everything's going fine.
355
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:43,680
Yes, I can see that.
356
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:45,855
Run along, we'll finish off later.
357
00:18:45,856 --> 00:18:48,516
Finish what? You measured
everything I have.
358
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:50,557
Off you go.
359
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:52,597
She's always kidding, that one.
360
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:53,723
What's the trouble?
361
00:18:53,724 --> 00:18:55,957
I'm worried about my
permanent residents.
362
00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:58,060
All this running about,
in and out of each
363
00:18:58,061 --> 00:19:00,034
other's bedrooms...
it's not good enough.
364
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:02,077
At their age they
ought to know better.
365
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:04,117
It's your girls I mean.
366
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:07,113
I've heard them... all
night long, doors banging.
367
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:09,041
With a bunch of young
dollies, you've
368
00:19:09,042 --> 00:19:10,591
got to expect a bit of banging.
369
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:13,991
I expect you to get them all
into bed at a reasonable hour.
370
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,072
I promise you I'll
do my very best.
371
00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:20,073
Mr Fiddler, what about these
photos? I haven't got all day.
372
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,117
Excuse me, love. Business.
373
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,237
I'm waiting for my
publicity man to turn up.
374
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:26,755
I'm covering the Mayor's
opening this afternoon.
375
00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:28,503
You do get some unpleasant jobs.
376
00:19:28,504 --> 00:19:30,754
He's opening a municipal
building at four.
377
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,359
Thank you.
378
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:38,397
Thank you, ladies and...
379
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:42,959
And what about the
ladies, may I ask?
380
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:44,997
What was that?
381
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:48,404
Why is there provision
only for gentlemen in this
382
00:19:48,405 --> 00:19:51,395
monument to natural and
universal functions?
383
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:52,480
Hear. Hear.
384
00:19:52,481 --> 00:19:54,518
Because it was
specifically designed
385
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,720
for use by the male
sex as approved
386
00:19:56,721 --> 00:19:58,310
in council last September.
387
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:01,120
I see. So the ladies
must wait, is that it?
388
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,516
Mrs Prodworthy... I
do feel that the
389
00:20:03,517 --> 00:20:05,831
place for protest
is in the chamber.
390
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:08,435
I did protest in the
chamber, Mr Mayor,
391
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,637
and most strongly.
392
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:13,048
I still insist on knowing
why this place could
393
00:20:13,049 --> 00:20:15,078
not have been for the
use of both sexes.
394
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:17,117
Because it's for men.
395
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,635
We can't have them all
using the same one.
396
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,959
Perhaps the Mayor
would care to explain
397
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,919
why we can't all use the same one?
398
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:25,957
Yes, well...
399
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,271
Why can't we all use...
400
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,317
Ah, yes.
401
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:33,074
Because the fittings are
different, for one thing.
402
00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:35,834
We all have only one
thing, Mr Mayor.
403
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:40,600
Mrs Prodworthy, you are
deliberately misun...
404
00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:42,956
misunderstanding me.
405
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:44,464
What I am trying to say...
406
00:20:44,465 --> 00:20:46,397
I know what you are trying to say.
407
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:51,360
You are trying to say...
that women are inferior.
408
00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:52,715
Hear, hear.
409
00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:55,516
I put it to you that
this is one more
410
00:20:55,517 --> 00:20:57,875
example of this council's policy
411
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:00,794
to deliberately demean
and debase womanhood.
412
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:02,837
Hear. Hear.
413
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:07,836
A policy which was brought to a
head recently when, in my absence,
414
00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:10,196
they passed this
disgraceful resolution
415
00:21:10,197 --> 00:21:11,960
to hold a beauty contest here.
416
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:13,997
Hear. Hear.
417
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:16,037
I want every male here to know
418
00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:18,573
that the women of
Fircombe are determined
419
00:21:18,574 --> 00:21:20,558
to stop this degrading spectacle.
420
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:24,071
Until it is called
off, we will squat...
421
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:29,194
in this erection to man's
so-called superiority.
422
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,920
- Hear, hear.
- Mrs Prodworthy, please.
423
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:34,720
Forward, liberators of Fircombe.
424
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:36,393
Forward.
425
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:39,437
Please, please.
426
00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:43,791
Come on. Girls.
427
00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:45,837
Get changed for photos.
Back in 15 minutes.
428
00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:51,237
What do you want us to wear?
429
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:54,154
Anything that will bring out
your best... points, Miss...?
430
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:55,594
Downs. Ida Downs.
431
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:57,478
I bet you come from Beds.
432
00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:00,473
- No, Bristol.
- I should have guessed.
433
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:03,155
I've got a rather smashing
two-piece swimsuit.
434
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:05,147
Great, just wear
one piece of that.
435
00:22:05,148 --> 00:22:07,154
Will they publish
pictures like that?
436
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,755
- Not in my paper.
- All right, I was only joking.
437
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:11,797
You go and get 'em both on.
438
00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:13,837
Go on, get your gear ready.
439
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,957
- How's it going, love?
- Wonderful.
440
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,077
Since all this
started, I've let ten
441
00:22:18,078 --> 00:22:20,114
rooms... all for
you... for nothing.
442
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:22,840
Wait till old Pete gets that
publicity really rolling.
443
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:24,877
The contest is in ten days.
444
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:27,149
You've still got your
permanent residents.
445
00:22:27,150 --> 00:22:28,317
If I've got any left.
446
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:31,359
Ooh. You're a dirty old man.
447
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:35,397
Er... Mrs Philpotts.
448
00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:38,234
I wish to complain. This
young woman molested me.
449
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:39,385
Well, I like that.
450
00:22:39,386 --> 00:22:42,155
Whether you like it or
not, dear, is immaterial.
451
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:43,240
He pinched my...
452
00:22:43,241 --> 00:22:45,472
Don't worry about it.
I'll sort it out.
453
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:50,397
Cheeky little thing. I'd like
to put her across my knee.
454
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:53,996
- I'm sure you would, Admiral.
- Yes, by Jove... What?
455
00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:56,231
Mrs Philpotts. Are
you suggesting...
456
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:58,596
Damn it, for two pins,
I'd move out of here.
457
00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:01,036
Good afternoon, sir.
Can I help you?
458
00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:03,476
Yes. Have you got
any rooms, please?
459
00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:05,950
Certainly, sir. Our
terms are £7 a day
460
00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:07,997
or £40 a week all in.
461
00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:11,430
Mr Fiddler said it had
all been arranged.
462
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:13,796
You see, we're in
the beauty contest.
463
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:15,599
Yes. So I see.
464
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:20,880
Oh, well... in that case, take
your pick. Take the lot. Go on.
465
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:23,208
Be my guest, room with
a view and all that
466
00:23:23,209 --> 00:23:25,352
sort of thing. Righto,
have a good time.
467
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:27,416
Pete, we're waiting.
The photographer's
468
00:23:27,417 --> 00:23:29,195
here. Where the
hell have you been?
469
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:31,954
Sorry, the train was late.
Some trouble on the line.
470
00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:34,271
Trouble? With these
two? You're joking.
471
00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:37,797
- This is Miss Bangor.
- Really? How do you do?
472
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:40,156
And this is Miss
Brakes... Dawn Brakes.
473
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:42,232
Dawn, my favourite
time for getting up.
474
00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:44,233
I was Miss Dairy Queen, you know.
475
00:23:44,234 --> 00:23:46,200
You still are in my book, darling.
476
00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:48,237
Sid, are there any rooms for us?
477
00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:51,518
The woman behind the desk went all
peculiar and threw these at us.
478
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,570
She's overwhelmed.
They haven't done
479
00:23:53,571 --> 00:23:55,594
this kind of business
since Mafeking.
480
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:57,637
Photo call in ten minutes.
481
00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:00,639
Gorblimey, not again.
482
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,077
William.
483
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:16,800
I want you to come over
the promenade with me.
484
00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:17,880
Yes...
485
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:19,394
Why?
486
00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:21,119
I want you to take
my knickers down.
487
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:23,998
Pardon?
488
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:26,800
Well, they're on the
pole over there.
489
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:28,837
Oh, I see.
490
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,072
Well, you'd better take
my arm, because it
491
00:24:31,073 --> 00:24:33,073
can be a bit tricky
crossing this road.
492
00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:34,640
Right.
493
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:10,560
- It's already been done.
- Well. What hasn't?
494
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,791
- Excuse me.
- Not now, sonny, I'm busy.
495
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:15,634
Sonny? You want your eyes tested.
496
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:20,398
I thought they always built the
shock absorbers into the bikes.
497
00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:21,755
Saucy.
498
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:23,684
Are you the bloke in charge?
499
00:25:23,685 --> 00:25:25,959
That's right. Fiddler's the name.
500
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:27,356
I'm Hope Springs.
501
00:25:27,357 --> 00:25:29,920
Hope Springs? I don't believe it.
502
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,432
True... Well, actually,
my real name's Muriel
503
00:25:32,433 --> 00:25:34,916
Bloggs. But it was hardly
right for this game.
504
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:37,720
- What game?
- Beauty contests, of course.
505
00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:40,112
Don't tell me you're a competitor?
506
00:25:40,113 --> 00:25:41,237
Of course I am.
507
00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:43,277
See?
508
00:25:43,360 --> 00:25:45,317
Miss Easy Rider.
509
00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:48,120
- I beat 14 other girls for that.
- Doing what?
510
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:50,920
I was at an advantage. We had
to do it on a motorbike.
511
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:52,996
I'd have thought
that was a handicap.
512
00:25:52,997 --> 00:25:55,392
No, I mean I've been
riding a bike for years.
513
00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:57,732
Good for you. But
this is a straight
514
00:25:57,733 --> 00:25:59,679
beauty contest. No kinky stuff.
515
00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:01,831
You feel I'm not right
for it, don't you?
516
00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:04,389
No, I just don't want you to
waste your time, that's all.
517
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:06,437
Oh, I won't, don't you worry.
518
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:08,383
I look a lot different
in a bikini.
519
00:26:08,384 --> 00:26:10,196
So does he, but he's not entering.
520
00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:13,591
Just wait and see. You're
in for a big surprise.
521
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:15,600
Have you got a room
I can change in?
522
00:26:15,601 --> 00:26:17,358
- Use mine.
- You won't come in?
523
00:26:17,359 --> 00:26:19,279
Not until you're halfway through.
524
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,552
Maybe I'd better have
a room of my own.
525
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:27,714
Perhaps you're right. Come on.
526
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:34,240
Connie, have you got a
room for this young lady?
527
00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:36,277
Of course, Sidney.
528
00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:40,397
I think you'll find
that an ideal one.
529
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:42,437
Thank you, Connie.
530
00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:44,477
Just a minute. It's for
the broom cupboard.
531
00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:46,791
Right... where we keep
all the scrubbers.
532
00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:48,837
- How...
- All right, keep your hat on.
533
00:26:48,920 --> 00:26:51,355
Go and change in mine.
I'll sort it out later.
534
00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:54,274
Ta. I heard that. Does she
fancy you or something?
535
00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:56,376
You know how it is. A
widow with a place
536
00:26:56,377 --> 00:26:58,195
like this, things
get on top of her.
537
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:01,034
Yeah, I bet they do... frequently.
538
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:04,077
Go on, get changed.
539
00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:06,117
Ta. See you.
540
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:24,637
Ahem. Excuse me.
541
00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:26,677
Mind if I join you?
542
00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:29,036
Help yourself. It's
big enough, isn't it?
543
00:27:29,120 --> 00:27:31,077
By Jove, yes.
544
00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:36,597
I won't ask how far you want to
go. I might get the wrong answer.
545
00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:38,637
Only to the bottom, my dear.
546
00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:43,759
Oh... so you want to play, do you?
547
00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:45,797
Come on, then.
548
00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:47,837
Argh, get off.
549
00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:49,877
No, no.
550
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:58,358
Come on, lover. I've
only just started.
551
00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:04,232
- That will teach the old buzzard.
- What did you do to him?
552
00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:06,277
I think I tickled his fancy.
553
00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:08,317
Well, do I pass now?
554
00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:10,551
With honours, in at
least two subjects.
555
00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:13,075
Saucy. Let's hope the
judges think like you.
556
00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:15,197
If they do, they'll
all get locked up.
557
00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:17,715
Promises, promises. Am I
too late for the pictures?
558
00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:20,076
- No, go to the others over there.
- Ta.
559
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:22,423
That's the lot, is it?
560
00:28:22,424 --> 00:28:24,949
Er... no. There's still
Miss Brakes to come.
561
00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:28,636
- Oh, no, not Dawn. Is she here?
- That's right. Do you know her?
562
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:30,871
Do I? I'm not saying
anything against her,
563
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:34,397
but if this was a dog contest,
none of us would stand a chance.
564
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:36,676
If it was a cat show you'd
do all right, though.
565
00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:38,717
I like the girl, honest.
566
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:41,190
It's not her fault she
has to wear a falsie.
567
00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:42,583
What do you mean a falsie?
568
00:28:42,584 --> 00:28:44,352
She has one bigger than the other.
569
00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:46,796
- Is that right?
- No, left.
570
00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:48,997
But you're crazy about her?
571
00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:51,117
Oh, I wouldn't say a
word against her.
572
00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:53,157
Like in the last
contest we were in.
573
00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:55,618
We were sharing this
dressing room together,
574
00:28:55,619 --> 00:28:57,678
and I had this fabulous
silver bikini.
575
00:28:57,760 --> 00:28:59,717
And I just popped out for a while.
576
00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:01,792
It could quite easily
happen in that outfit.
577
00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:04,156
I'm not saying she
nicked it, mind, but...
578
00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:09,597
Push, push.
579
00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:10,875
Keep him coming.
580
00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:13,634
Good boy. That's a...
Keep him quiet. Push.
581
00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:15,074
Aagh.
582
00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:18,031
- What's that?
- All right. It's only a donkey.
583
00:29:18,120 --> 00:29:20,794
I know it's a donkey. What's
it doing in my lounge?
584
00:29:20,880 --> 00:29:22,837
That's a good question.
585
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:27,071
What the hell do you
think you're doing?
586
00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:29,231
- Sid, meet Cleopatra.
- How do you...
587
00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:32,279
- Have you gone out of your mind?
- No, it's for the photos.
588
00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:34,317
Beauty and the beast. Get it?
589
00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:37,710
Beauty and the beast.
What a great idea.
590
00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:40,360
Come over here. Come on.
591
00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:42,335
I am not having it
here. Take it out.
592
00:29:42,336 --> 00:29:44,514
Be reasonable. It's
only for a few minutes.
593
00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:46,821
Reasonable? I don't even
allow dogs in here.
594
00:29:46,822 --> 00:29:47,822
It's not a dog.
595
00:29:47,823 --> 00:29:50,355
I know it's not, but these
carpets are very expensive.
596
00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:53,756
I'm afraid it's too late.
597
00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:56,059
Don't just stand
there, get a shovel.
598
00:29:56,060 --> 00:29:57,060
Yes.
599
00:29:57,061 --> 00:29:59,475
It'll be very good for
the potted palms.
600
00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:01,756
Get it out of here,
Sidney. Get it out.
601
00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:03,069
Right.
602
00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:05,117
We'll get a couple of
quick shots first.
603
00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:08,945
This is what we'll do.
We'll get one of the girls
604
00:30:08,946 --> 00:30:11,112
to sit on the donkey...
What's wrong with you?
605
00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:12,520
Oh. Gosh.
606
00:30:14,000 --> 00:30:17,676
- Are you ready for me now?
- More than ready, darling.
607
00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:19,911
I want you to come and
sit on this donkey.
608
00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:23,152
All right. Are you sure it's
safe? He doesn't look too happy.
609
00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:25,436
He should be. He just got
a big load off his mind.
610
00:30:25,520 --> 00:30:27,079
If you say so.
611
00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:28,355
Wait.
612
00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:31,478
Don't just stand there. Come
and give her a bunk up.
613
00:30:31,560 --> 00:30:34,314
- What?
- A bunk up. Come on.
614
00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:36,392
Oh, I see... right.
615
00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:39,437
Ready?
616
00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:42,911
There we are. All right, girls.
Come on, let's have you.
617
00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:44,957
Round the donkey. Please. Come on.
618
00:30:46,040 --> 00:30:47,997
That's it.
619
00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:51,837
All right?
620
00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:53,400
All right, Larry, we're ready.
621
00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:55,756
Just a minute, I've
still got my robe on.
622
00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:57,991
Hang on.
623
00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:00,037
I knew it.
624
00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:03,715
You thieving bitch.
625
00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:06,838
- What's going on here?
- That's my bikini she's got on.
626
00:31:06,920 --> 00:31:09,480
Really, I don't know what
she's talking about.
627
00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:10,560
Just a minute.
628
00:31:10,561 --> 00:31:12,519
She nicked it from my
dressing room last year.
629
00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:14,990
Darling, I wouldn't be seen
dead in your old rags.
630
00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:17,470
You'll be seen dead if
you don't give it back.
631
00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:19,517
That's quite enough.
632
00:31:19,600 --> 00:31:21,557
You stay out of this.
633
00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:28,871
You rotten cow.
634
00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:55,910
No.
635
00:32:06,640 --> 00:32:08,518
Hope, come on.
636
00:32:19,360 --> 00:32:21,875
Get it off.
637
00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:24,957
Stop it, somebody.
638
00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:27,600
Break it up. Come on.
639
00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:36,117
Is Councillor Fiddler here?
640
00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:39,034
- Just about.
- What?
641
00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:42,359
What is going on?
642
00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:53,238
Ladies, please.
643
00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:04,836
Come on. You've done
enough damage as it is.
644
00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:06,877
Come on, leave my
potted plants alone.
645
00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:08,750
William, come on with the shovel.
646
00:33:08,751 --> 00:33:10,920
Quick, before there's
any more damage.
647
00:33:56,760 --> 00:33:58,717
Mildred.
648
00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:01,757
Yaagh.
649
00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:05,437
Mil...
650
00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:09,437
Mildred.
651
00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:20,437
You're up, then.
652
00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:22,637
Of course I am. Didn't
you hear me calling?
653
00:34:22,720 --> 00:34:24,677
No, I had the radio on.
654
00:34:24,760 --> 00:34:26,717
I know you had it on.
655
00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:28,757
I can't remember
when you had it off.
656
00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:30,752
Neither can I.
657
00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:33,674
Are you aware that it
is now five past nine?
658
00:34:33,760 --> 00:34:35,717
Am I missing something, then?
659
00:34:35,800 --> 00:34:38,998
My tea. I ordered it
for eight-thirty.
660
00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:41,993
Better late than
never, I always say.
661
00:34:56,120 --> 00:34:58,077
Here you are, then.
662
00:34:58,160 --> 00:35:00,117
Thank you very much.
663
00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:02,157
- Enough sugar?
- Quite.
664
00:35:02,240 --> 00:35:04,118
And cigarette ash.
665
00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:09,715
Isn't it time you started
thinking of getting dressed?
666
00:35:09,800 --> 00:35:11,473
What for?
667
00:35:11,560 --> 00:35:15,395
Have you forgotten what I kept
on telling you last night?
668
00:35:16,480 --> 00:35:18,278
To stop snoring?
669
00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:21,426
At ten o'clock, we
have an official
670
00:35:21,427 --> 00:35:23,320
visit to the maternity hospital.
671
00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:25,517
Do I have to go?
672
00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:27,671
Of course you do.
They're expecting you.
673
00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:30,434
I don't really feel
up to it, Frederick.
674
00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:34,150
You've got to. You are the
Mayor's wife, God help him.
675
00:35:34,240 --> 00:35:35,879
You have a duty to do.
676
00:35:35,960 --> 00:35:38,370
And that doesn't
mean sitting around
677
00:35:38,371 --> 00:35:40,910
here all day like an
old compost heap.
678
00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:43,151
Yes, Frederick.
679
00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:46,850
You should take pride in being the
680
00:35:46,851 --> 00:35:49,560
wife of Fircombe's
leading citizen.
681
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:55,954
And what, may I
ask, is so amusing?
682
00:35:56,040 --> 00:35:58,396
- You.
- What do you mean?
683
00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:05,073
Here you are.
684
00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:22,954
- Is that you, Rosemary?
- Yes.
685
00:36:26,600 --> 00:36:28,432
Have you seen this?
686
00:36:28,520 --> 00:36:30,477
Yes. Bloody disgrace.
687
00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:32,677
Still, what can you
expect from a man?
688
00:36:32,760 --> 00:36:34,717
My boy Lawrence took it, you know.
689
00:36:34,800 --> 00:36:37,676
It's done him quite a
bit of good. And us.
690
00:36:37,677 --> 00:36:38,677
Us? Why?
691
00:36:38,720 --> 00:36:42,077
The more old Bumble lays himself
open to ridicule like this,
692
00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:45,437
the better our chances of
having a lady mayor next time.
693
00:36:45,520 --> 00:36:48,797
Gosh, yes. That would hit 'em
where it hurts, wouldn't it?
694
00:36:48,880 --> 00:36:51,858
Oh, please, Rosemary. I
don't like any reference
695
00:36:51,859 --> 00:36:54,592
to that area of their
so-called superiority.
696
00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:57,718
By golly, you'd make a
spiffing mayor, Augusta.
697
00:36:57,800 --> 00:37:01,237
We've got to keep up the pressure
against this damn beauty contest.
698
00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:03,312
I agree. What's the next step?
699
00:37:03,400 --> 00:37:06,080
I've been wondering.
Have you any pull
700
00:37:06,081 --> 00:37:08,759
with anyone at the
maternity hospital?
701
00:37:08,840 --> 00:37:10,797
Good Lord, no.
702
00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:12,837
It's hardly my scene, is it?
703
00:37:12,920 --> 00:37:16,596
Only the Mayor is opening a
new nursery there today.
704
00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:19,240
I thought we might
arrange a little...
705
00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:21,277
surprise for him.
706
00:37:27,760 --> 00:37:29,717
How do you do?
707
00:37:33,040 --> 00:37:35,509
Mr Prodworthy, I'm so
pleased you could come.
708
00:37:35,600 --> 00:37:37,796
You didn't mind me
calling you, did you?
709
00:37:37,880 --> 00:37:39,492
Not at all, Miss Brakes.
710
00:37:39,493 --> 00:37:42,591
I saw your photos in the
paper. I'm impressed.
711
00:37:42,680 --> 00:37:44,863
I thought perhaps
you could help me.
712
00:37:44,864 --> 00:37:46,151
Of course. Anything.
713
00:37:46,240 --> 00:37:48,092
A magazine wants
some pin-up photos,
714
00:37:48,093 --> 00:37:49,995
and you'd be the
person to take them.
715
00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:53,915
- Thank you... here, do you mean?
- No, on the beach.
716
00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:57,118
Oh, fine. Oh, but I advise
plenty of warm clothing.
717
00:37:57,200 --> 00:37:59,180
I don't think the
magazine would like that.
718
00:37:59,181 --> 00:38:00,181
Why not?
719
00:38:00,182 --> 00:38:02,435
They only want nudes.
720
00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:04,318
You have done nudes before?
721
00:38:04,400 --> 00:38:07,040
- Oh, yes.
- Shall we have a bash, then?
722
00:38:07,120 --> 00:38:09,384
Pardon? Oh, er... pictures. Now?
723
00:38:09,385 --> 00:38:12,514
Yes, they want them by
the end of the week.
724
00:38:12,600 --> 00:38:14,557
Yes, but naked...
725
00:38:14,640 --> 00:38:17,519
on the beach, in broad
daylight, in Fircombe?
726
00:38:17,600 --> 00:38:19,557
I'm sure we'll find
a deserted spot.
727
00:38:19,640 --> 00:38:21,597
Come on.
728
00:38:33,240 --> 00:38:34,390
Oh.
729
00:38:34,480 --> 00:38:36,278
I beg your pardon?
730
00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:39,359
Of all the filthy rotten beasts.
731
00:38:40,760 --> 00:38:42,831
Disgusting. You're a sex maniac.
732
00:38:43,920 --> 00:38:46,480
I didn't... Honestly,
I didn't do a thing.
733
00:38:46,560 --> 00:38:49,792
Say goodbye to Mrs Philpotts
for me, there's a good fellow.
734
00:39:00,600 --> 00:39:03,354
That's about the fourth
that's left this morning.
735
00:39:03,440 --> 00:39:06,080
You don't have to tell
me. Where's Mr Fiddler?
736
00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:09,710
He's still up in his room. He just
sent down for some more coffee.
737
00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:11,757
I'll give him coffee.
738
00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:13,832
Good. It'll save me a trip.
739
00:39:16,040 --> 00:39:17,997
Come in.
740
00:39:19,720 --> 00:39:22,257
I'll have it here,
please, on the bed.
741
00:39:22,258 --> 00:39:23,680
You won't, you know.
742
00:39:25,600 --> 00:39:27,637
I'm sorry, I thought
it was my coffee.
743
00:39:27,720 --> 00:39:29,691
That's ok. Look, I
came to apologise
744
00:39:29,692 --> 00:39:31,236
for what happened yesterday.
745
00:39:31,320 --> 00:39:33,622
Are you joking? Have
you seen the publicity
746
00:39:33,623 --> 00:39:35,872
we got out of it? Front
page, every paper.
747
00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:37,911
Good. I was hoping
it'd do the trick.
748
00:39:37,912 --> 00:39:39,715
What do you mean, you were hoping?
749
00:39:39,800 --> 00:39:41,757
Well, the donkey
wasn't a bad idea,
750
00:39:41,840 --> 00:39:43,967
but there's nothing
like a really good
751
00:39:43,968 --> 00:39:46,039
punch-up, particularly
amongst women.
752
00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:48,351
You mean you started
it deliberately?
753
00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:52,631
You're a clever little
devil, ain't you?
754
00:39:52,720 --> 00:39:54,784
Well, I'm pretty sure
it was my outfit
755
00:39:54,785 --> 00:39:56,953
she had on. Of course,
I could be wrong.
756
00:39:58,040 --> 00:39:59,997
We should get together.
757
00:40:00,080 --> 00:40:02,675
With your brains and my
beauty, we could go places.
758
00:40:03,960 --> 00:40:05,917
I don't think I could
teach you much.
759
00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:08,117
- You want a bet?
- I think I'd better be going.
760
00:40:08,200 --> 00:40:10,157
Come here. What's the hurry?
761
00:40:10,240 --> 00:40:12,675
You know what the others would
say about me being here.
762
00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:14,592
"Why should she
have all the luck?"
763
00:40:14,680 --> 00:40:17,878
They'd say I was trying to work
on you to fix myself to win.
764
00:40:17,960 --> 00:40:19,904
They'd be dead wrong.
Nothing in the
765
00:40:19,905 --> 00:40:21,954
world you could do
would influence me.
766
00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:23,554
Hop in here and I'll prove it.
767
00:40:23,555 --> 00:40:25,920
No, thanks. I'll take my
chance with the rest.
768
00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:28,467
Send the others in one at
a time, and I'll prove it
769
00:40:28,468 --> 00:40:30,791
to them all. Now you can't
say fairer than that.
770
00:40:30,880 --> 00:40:32,872
I really think you would, too.
771
00:40:35,000 --> 00:40:36,957
Leave it outside the door, please.
772
00:40:37,040 --> 00:40:39,680
- Sidney. I want to talk to you.
- It's Connie.
773
00:40:39,760 --> 00:40:42,116
- She mustn't catch you in here.
- Sidney?
774
00:40:42,200 --> 00:40:44,157
Just a minute, love.
775
00:40:44,240 --> 00:40:46,709
Quick, get in the cupboard.
776
00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:48,757
My dressing gown's got caught.
777
00:40:48,840 --> 00:40:50,593
- Oh, no.
- Sidney.
778
00:40:50,680 --> 00:40:52,160
All right, love. I'm not decent.
779
00:40:52,240 --> 00:40:55,119
- It's caught in the spring.
- Do something, for God's sake.
780
00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:56,919
But turn the other way.
781
00:41:03,480 --> 00:41:05,437
Sidney?
782
00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:07,477
Coming.
783
00:41:10,040 --> 00:41:11,997
Come in.
784
00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:14,967
Sorry to keep you waiting...
just getting dressed.
785
00:41:14,968 --> 00:41:16,438
You didn't get very far.
786
00:41:16,520 --> 00:41:18,739
What's the matter?
Something's upset you.
787
00:41:18,740 --> 00:41:19,740
Upset?
788
00:41:19,741 --> 00:41:21,367
Four more of my regulars moved out
789
00:41:21,368 --> 00:41:23,440
today. That's seven
gone in two days.
790
00:41:23,520 --> 00:41:26,274
We don't want to discuss it here.
Let's go down to the office.
791
00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:29,717
In your pyjamas? Charming, that
should get rid of a few more.
792
00:41:29,800 --> 00:41:32,156
I'll put on my dressing
gown... No, I won't.
793
00:41:32,240 --> 00:41:34,311
You go downstairs and
I'll follow straight...
794
00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:36,835
- What is it?
- That's what I'm wondering.
795
00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:38,752
There's my dressing gown.
796
00:41:38,840 --> 00:41:40,797
I'd wondered what happened to it.
797
00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:42,837
Won't be long.
798
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:46,917
- It's shrunk.
- Where is she?
799
00:41:47,000 --> 00:41:49,231
I don't know what
you're talking about.
800
00:41:49,320 --> 00:41:52,358
There isn't one. I always
go to the bathroom. Connie.
801
00:41:52,440 --> 00:41:54,671
- Connie, wait a minute.
- Oh... hello.
802
00:41:54,760 --> 00:41:56,717
I thought as much.
803
00:41:56,800 --> 00:41:58,757
Connie... wait a minute.
804
00:41:58,840 --> 00:42:00,797
Connie.
805
00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:05,233
Gosh, you're right,
it is a bit nippy.
806
00:42:05,320 --> 00:42:07,880
What do you keep looking
round like that for?
807
00:42:07,960 --> 00:42:10,919
I'm just worried somebody
might come along.
808
00:42:11,000 --> 00:42:13,674
So what? I'm sure they've
seen a naked girl before.
809
00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:17,197
Well, I haven't. Well,
not like this, anyway.
810
00:42:17,280 --> 00:42:19,556
You're not embarrassed, are you?
811
00:42:19,640 --> 00:42:21,597
You shouldn't be. You know.
812
00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:24,957
As a photographer, you should
regard these things objectively.
813
00:42:25,040 --> 00:42:27,680
Nobody could regard those
things objectively.
814
00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:29,911
Why, what's wrong with them?
815
00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:31,957
Oh, nothing. They're, er...
816
00:42:33,240 --> 00:42:35,357
Come on, let's get on
with the photographs.
817
00:42:35,440 --> 00:42:38,114
Oh, I've still got my panties on.
818
00:42:38,200 --> 00:42:40,954
Oh, er... haven't you
taken enough off?
819
00:42:41,040 --> 00:42:42,952
Not for the magazine
these photos are for.
820
00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:49,837
Oh. My God.
821
00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:55,158
Ok, now, Larry?
822
00:42:57,040 --> 00:43:01,000
Oh, help. Help. Get me out.
823
00:43:03,120 --> 00:43:05,077
Help, help. Get me out.
824
00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:13,157
It won't be long now.
825
00:43:13,240 --> 00:43:16,199
- I'm used to this sort of thing.
- Quite all right, Your Worship.
826
00:43:17,560 --> 00:43:20,029
- Here she is.
- Sorry to keep you all waiting.
827
00:43:20,120 --> 00:43:21,985
It's a weakness of mine, you know.
828
00:43:21,986 --> 00:43:23,750
That's all right, Lady Mayoress.
829
00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:26,176
Frederick could tell
you. I have to get up
830
00:43:26,177 --> 00:43:28,676
four or five times during
the night, don't I?
831
00:43:28,760 --> 00:43:30,710
I'm sure the matron has no wish to
832
00:43:30,711 --> 00:43:33,118
listen to our nocturnal
habits, Mildred.
833
00:43:33,200 --> 00:43:35,157
I didn't mean those
sort of habits.
834
00:43:35,240 --> 00:43:37,516
We haven't done anything
like that for...
835
00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:39,717
Could we please get
on with it, Matron?
836
00:43:39,800 --> 00:43:41,757
Yes, of course, Your Worship.
837
00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:44,672
This is the new nursery.
838
00:43:45,880 --> 00:43:49,237
As you can see, we've named it
the Frederick Bumble Nursery.
839
00:43:49,320 --> 00:43:51,880
I am, of course, highly honoured,
840
00:43:51,960 --> 00:43:54,433
but I would have thought
that Mrs Prodworthy
841
00:43:54,434 --> 00:43:56,796
here, as chairman of
the hospital board...
842
00:43:56,880 --> 00:43:59,022
Thank you, Your Worship,
but the committee
843
00:43:59,023 --> 00:44:00,715
felt the honour should go to you.
844
00:44:02,280 --> 00:44:04,636
The commemoration plaque
is at the far end.
845
00:44:04,720 --> 00:44:06,947
Now I must ask you all
to be very quiet,
846
00:44:06,948 --> 00:44:08,794
as the babies will all be asleep.
847
00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:10,951
Of course. Bless
their little hearts.
848
00:44:29,160 --> 00:44:30,913
Just leave them. Leave it.
849
00:44:31,000 --> 00:44:33,390
Just leave them there. Leave them.
850
00:44:46,960 --> 00:44:50,431
Just pull the cord when
you're ready, Your Worship.
851
00:44:50,520 --> 00:44:52,477
Yes, of course, Matron. Yes.
852
00:44:52,560 --> 00:44:54,517
Ladies and gentlemen...
853
00:44:58,720 --> 00:45:00,757
Ladies and gentlemen,
854
00:45:02,240 --> 00:45:04,197
it is with the
greatest pleasure...
855
00:45:04,280 --> 00:45:06,636
nay, even with pride...
856
00:45:06,720 --> 00:45:09,679
that I unveil this
commemorative plaque
857
00:45:09,760 --> 00:45:14,312
to mark the completion of
this splendid new nursery.
858
00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:28,917
Who is responsible for this?
859
00:45:29,000 --> 00:45:31,151
Who was responsible for this?
860
00:45:31,240 --> 00:45:33,197
I'll have them...
861
00:45:34,120 --> 00:45:35,793
Who did this?
862
00:45:35,880 --> 00:45:37,712
Shut up, you little devils.
863
00:45:37,800 --> 00:45:39,598
Shut up.
864
00:45:39,680 --> 00:45:41,637
Who was it?
865
00:45:41,720 --> 00:45:45,191
I tell you, I've never
been so humiliated.
866
00:45:45,280 --> 00:45:47,237
And it's all your fault.
867
00:45:47,320 --> 00:45:49,391
You and this wretched
beauty contest.
868
00:45:49,480 --> 00:45:52,040
Come off it, Fred. It can't
be all that serious.
869
00:45:52,120 --> 00:45:54,077
I tell you, I was
a laughing stock.
870
00:45:54,160 --> 00:45:56,550
Even the babies were
wetting themselves.
871
00:45:56,640 --> 00:45:59,553
I wish we'd known. We'd have
had a photographer there.
872
00:45:59,640 --> 00:46:03,520
You won't need any photos, not
with Augusta Prodworthy there.
873
00:46:04,600 --> 00:46:06,557
It'll be all over the town by now.
874
00:46:06,640 --> 00:46:09,599
I still think you're making a
mountain out of a molehill.
875
00:46:09,680 --> 00:46:12,514
Now if you hadn't been
wearing your underpants...
876
00:46:12,600 --> 00:46:14,557
It was ghastly enough, thank you.
877
00:46:14,640 --> 00:46:16,757
If you don't believe me, ask her.
878
00:46:16,840 --> 00:46:18,354
She'll tell you.
879
00:46:19,440 --> 00:46:21,238
Well, say something, woman.
880
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,710
Is there a ladies' handy?
881
00:46:23,800 --> 00:46:25,519
Oh, shut up.
882
00:46:25,600 --> 00:46:27,981
I warn you, Fiddler, I
will not be involved
883
00:46:27,982 --> 00:46:30,038
in any more of your
publicity stunts.
884
00:46:30,120 --> 00:46:32,077
No more.
885
00:46:32,160 --> 00:46:34,436
Pity, because he's got
a good one lined up.
886
00:46:34,520 --> 00:46:36,311
I do not care. Come
along, Mildred.
887
00:46:36,312 --> 00:46:38,150
It would have done
you a lot of good.
888
00:46:38,240 --> 00:46:40,471
Put you in a heroic
light for a change.
889
00:46:40,560 --> 00:46:42,517
I don't wish to... know.
890
00:46:42,600 --> 00:46:44,557
Oh?
891
00:46:44,640 --> 00:46:46,597
How do you mean?
892
00:46:46,680 --> 00:46:48,672
Heroic light?
893
00:46:48,760 --> 00:46:51,832
You know Lovers' Walk, where
everybody goes for a snog?
894
00:46:53,320 --> 00:46:56,279
Yes... what about it?
895
00:46:56,360 --> 00:46:59,361
This is it. One of our
girls goes for a walk,
896
00:46:59,362 --> 00:47:02,231
is attacked, has half
her clothes torn off,
897
00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:04,789
but is rescued in the nick
of time by guess who?
898
00:47:04,880 --> 00:47:06,837
Me.
899
00:47:07,920 --> 00:47:09,877
What would I be doing there?
900
00:47:09,960 --> 00:47:13,431
Well, you just happened to be
there, with your wife, of course.
901
00:47:14,480 --> 00:47:15,994
What, me...
902
00:47:16,080 --> 00:47:18,037
down Lovers' Walk with her?
903
00:47:19,080 --> 00:47:21,117
You must be raving mad.
904
00:47:21,200 --> 00:47:23,237
He's got a point there,
Pete. Tell you what.
905
00:47:23,320 --> 00:47:25,391
We'll fix you up with
one of our girls.
906
00:47:25,480 --> 00:47:28,234
You are raving mad. Oh,
let me get out of here.
907
00:47:29,720 --> 00:47:31,677
Oh, it's you, Your Worship.
908
00:47:31,760 --> 00:47:34,229
I didn't recognise you
with your trousers on.
909
00:47:35,320 --> 00:47:37,277
Mildred. Let's get out of...
910
00:47:37,360 --> 00:47:39,317
Oh, dear. Did I say
something wrong?
911
00:47:39,400 --> 00:47:41,676
Not so as you'd notice.
Did you talk to Connie?
912
00:47:41,760 --> 00:47:44,719
Yeah. I tried to explain to her
but she just wouldn't listen.
913
00:47:44,800 --> 00:47:46,837
- Just like a woman.
- What do you expect?
914
00:47:46,920 --> 00:47:49,287
She finds you and Hope
naked in your room and
915
00:47:49,288 --> 00:47:51,551
you expect her to believe
nothing happened?
916
00:47:51,640 --> 00:47:54,075
I still don't believe it
myself. I must be slipping.
917
00:47:54,160 --> 00:47:56,908
Silly. I like to think a man
can have a relationship
918
00:47:56,909 --> 00:47:59,189
with a woman which isn't
just based on sex.
919
00:47:59,280 --> 00:48:01,715
I fully agree. She should
have money, as well.
920
00:48:01,800 --> 00:48:03,757
Hello?
921
00:48:03,840 --> 00:48:05,797
Yes, just a minute.
922
00:48:05,880 --> 00:48:09,157
It's a fellow from the television
studios. He wants to talk to you.
923
00:48:09,240 --> 00:48:11,038
Councillor Fiddler speaking.
924
00:48:11,120 --> 00:48:14,272
Are you the person organising
the beauty contest?
925
00:48:14,360 --> 00:48:18,957
- That's right.
- Well, I'm... Cecil Gaybody.
926
00:48:19,040 --> 00:48:20,040
You don't say.
927
00:48:20,041 --> 00:48:22,317
I do Woman's Things every weekday.
928
00:48:22,400 --> 00:48:25,120
- Aren't you lucky.
- The magazine programme.
929
00:48:25,200 --> 00:48:27,715
What did you have
in mind, Mr Gayboy?
930
00:48:27,800 --> 00:48:29,757
Gaybody.
931
00:48:29,840 --> 00:48:33,470
You know the kind of thing... come
down, interview some of the girls.
932
00:48:33,560 --> 00:48:35,925
Oh, yes. And I think
that's a great idea. I
933
00:48:35,926 --> 00:48:38,237
should be very happy
to lay it on for you.
934
00:48:38,320 --> 00:48:41,518
- We could come down this evening.
- Six o'clock? Fine.
935
00:48:41,600 --> 00:48:42,829
Byesy-wyesy.
936
00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:44,877
Yes, and byesy-wyesy to you, too.
937
00:48:44,960 --> 00:48:46,917
We're in.
938
00:48:47,000 --> 00:48:50,550
I'm telling you, we're in. They
want to do a television bit on it.
939
00:48:50,640 --> 00:48:52,597
- Great.
- On what?
940
00:48:52,680 --> 00:48:54,673
That's what we've got to sort out.
941
00:48:54,674 --> 00:48:56,959
It's got to be
something sensational.
942
00:48:57,040 --> 00:48:58,110
Think.
943
00:48:58,200 --> 00:49:01,830
You've had a lot of experience.
What we want is some big surprise.
944
00:49:01,920 --> 00:49:04,007
Nothing would surprise
me in this game,
945
00:49:04,008 --> 00:49:06,199
even if one of us
turned out to be a man.
946
00:49:06,280 --> 00:49:08,237
That's it. That's it.
947
00:49:08,320 --> 00:49:11,358
I love you. Didn't I tell
you you were a genius?
948
00:49:11,440 --> 00:49:13,875
- Are you kidding?
- No, no. Can't you see it?
949
00:49:13,960 --> 00:49:16,919
There are the girls lined up,
being interviewed on the telly,
950
00:49:17,000 --> 00:49:19,469
then one arrives looking
absolutely fantastic.
951
00:49:19,560 --> 00:49:21,517
Suddenly... pop.
952
00:49:21,600 --> 00:49:22,600
One flat tyre.
953
00:49:22,601 --> 00:49:24,832
Do you know, it could be
kind of funny at that.
954
00:49:24,920 --> 00:49:26,464
It'd be money in the bank.
955
00:49:26,465 --> 00:49:28,834
Aren't you overlooking
one small point?
956
00:49:28,920 --> 00:49:31,674
- None of our girls are men.
- How do you know?
957
00:49:31,760 --> 00:49:32,998
Don't be ridiculous, Sid.
958
00:49:32,999 --> 00:49:34,832
All right, we'll get
a man to do it.
959
00:49:34,920 --> 00:49:37,640
I'm sure the Mayor would be
only too willing to oblige.
960
00:49:37,720 --> 00:49:39,677
I don't know.
961
00:49:39,760 --> 00:49:42,275
I don't think we'd have
to look very far, do you?
962
00:49:43,280 --> 00:49:46,193
You know, I think we might
just about get away with it,
963
00:49:46,280 --> 00:49:48,920
- with a good wig and make-up.
- And flat heels.
964
00:49:49,000 --> 00:49:50,320
Oh, no.
965
00:49:50,400 --> 00:49:51,775
No, I'm not having that.
966
00:49:51,776 --> 00:49:54,155
Come on, Pete, what
have you got to lose?
967
00:49:54,240 --> 00:49:56,755
Nothing much, but I'm not
losing it dressed as a woman.
968
00:49:56,840 --> 00:49:59,992
Nobody will know it's you. You can
change back immediately after.
969
00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:02,166
I'm not changing my sex
for you or anybody
970
00:50:02,167 --> 00:50:04,154
else and that's flat.
No, definitely no.
971
00:50:07,480 --> 00:50:09,437
Stop wriggling.
972
00:50:09,520 --> 00:50:12,592
I can't help it. I can hardly
breathe in this damn thing.
973
00:50:12,680 --> 00:50:14,478
Then don't breathe.
974
00:50:14,560 --> 00:50:16,836
That's fine. Don't move,
stop breathing...
975
00:50:16,920 --> 00:50:18,991
Why don't you just
bury me and have done?
976
00:50:19,080 --> 00:50:21,037
That would be a good stunt.
977
00:50:21,120 --> 00:50:23,349
You can have the other
girls as coffin bearers
978
00:50:23,350 --> 00:50:25,672
with black armbands and a
lily stuck up their...
979
00:50:25,760 --> 00:50:27,717
There. Here.
980
00:50:27,800 --> 00:50:31,157
Not bad. I wish your knees weren't
quite so knobbly, though.
981
00:50:31,240 --> 00:50:32,865
Oh, I am sorry. I'll go to the
982
00:50:32,866 --> 00:50:34,870
hospital and get
myself deknobbled.
983
00:50:34,960 --> 00:50:37,236
Anything else you'd
like me to have off?
984
00:50:39,040 --> 00:50:41,794
We could do with a little bit
more padding up here, though.
985
00:50:41,880 --> 00:50:44,154
That's all right. We'll
just get them to
986
00:50:44,155 --> 00:50:46,318
transplant the knobbles
from my knees.
987
00:50:48,400 --> 00:50:50,357
I'll do that, saucy.
988
00:50:56,160 --> 00:50:57,719
Hello.
989
00:50:59,200 --> 00:51:01,510
Hello, is that Mrs Prodworthy?
990
00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:03,717
Yes, it is. Who is that?
991
00:51:03,800 --> 00:51:06,190
You won't know who this is, but...
992
00:51:06,280 --> 00:51:09,193
- Choo-gai, hurgh.
- Blimey. Not much, she won't.
993
00:51:09,280 --> 00:51:10,953
Kindly state your business.
994
00:51:11,040 --> 00:51:13,316
Well, this may come
as a surprise to you,
995
00:51:13,400 --> 00:51:15,280
but one of the entrants in the
996
00:51:15,281 --> 00:51:17,599
beauty competition
is really a man.
997
00:51:17,680 --> 00:51:20,275
What? I can't believe it.
998
00:51:20,360 --> 00:51:22,323
Well, have you ever seen a young
999
00:51:22,324 --> 00:51:24,593
woman using the
gentlemen's toilet?
1000
00:51:24,680 --> 00:51:27,559
No... but it's
possible, I imagine.
1001
00:51:27,640 --> 00:51:28,960
What, standing up?
1002
00:51:30,440 --> 00:51:32,397
Good heavens.
1003
00:51:32,480 --> 00:51:35,757
But this is incredible.
Which one of them is it?
1004
00:51:35,840 --> 00:51:38,908
I'm not prepared to say.
If you're at the hotel at
1005
00:51:38,909 --> 00:51:41,916
six o'clock, you'll have
a chance of finding out.
1006
00:51:43,000 --> 00:51:45,469
- Did she swallow it?
- Hook, line and sinker.
1007
00:51:45,560 --> 00:51:47,302
Willy, well done.
Not a word of this
1008
00:51:47,303 --> 00:51:48,997
to anybody,
particularly Mr Potter.
1009
00:51:49,080 --> 00:51:51,037
Of course not, Mr Fiddler.
1010
00:51:51,120 --> 00:51:53,077
Very nice, I won't forget...
1011
00:51:54,160 --> 00:51:57,232
Mr Fiddler? Could you...
I seem to have mis...
1012
00:51:58,320 --> 00:52:00,596
This is silly. I can't
even see my feet now.
1013
00:52:00,680 --> 00:52:03,559
You should worry. I haven't
seen mine since I was 13.
1014
00:52:04,640 --> 00:52:08,111
Come on. Sit down at the dressing
table and we'll try the wig on.
1015
00:52:08,200 --> 00:52:10,157
Now, what do you think
you look best in?
1016
00:52:10,240 --> 00:52:12,197
A blackout.
1017
00:52:12,280 --> 00:52:14,715
Which would you prefer,
a short or a long one?
1018
00:52:15,800 --> 00:52:17,757
I think this one.
1019
00:52:22,840 --> 00:52:24,797
There you go.
1020
00:52:24,880 --> 00:52:26,837
There. What do you think?
1021
00:52:26,920 --> 00:52:29,958
Do you know, it may
sound kinky but...
1022
00:52:30,040 --> 00:52:31,997
I could fancy myself.
1023
00:52:32,080 --> 00:52:34,311
You wait till you see
yourself in a dress.
1024
00:52:41,080 --> 00:52:43,311
Come up and see me sometime.
1025
00:52:43,400 --> 00:52:45,357
Who is it?
1026
00:52:45,440 --> 00:52:48,114
- It's me, Sid.
- Just a minute. I'm not decent.
1027
00:52:48,200 --> 00:52:50,157
What am I saying?
1028
00:52:52,480 --> 00:52:54,437
How's it going?
1029
00:53:00,200 --> 00:53:02,157
Hey... you're lovely.
1030
00:53:02,240 --> 00:53:03,240
Shut up.
1031
00:53:03,241 --> 00:53:04,880
No, really, I mean it. Come here.
1032
00:53:04,960 --> 00:53:06,917
Get away from me,
you dirty old man.
1033
00:53:10,640 --> 00:53:12,597
Well, Sid, what do you think?
1034
00:53:12,680 --> 00:53:14,911
Absolutely perfect. Look.
He'd fool anybody.
1035
00:53:15,000 --> 00:53:17,834
- Until I open my big mouth.
- You don't open your big mouth.
1036
00:53:17,920 --> 00:53:19,260
When they twig you're a bloke,
1037
00:53:19,261 --> 00:53:20,958
gallop back to your
room and change.
1038
00:53:21,040 --> 00:53:23,077
What do I do to show
them I am a bloke?
1039
00:53:23,160 --> 00:53:25,914
If the answer is what I think
it is, no, I won't do it.
1040
00:53:26,000 --> 00:53:27,993
It's all right,
don't worry. When I
1041
00:53:27,994 --> 00:53:30,153
introduce you, you
step forward, trip,
1042
00:53:30,240 --> 00:53:32,960
your wig flies off, I scream,
"Gorblimey, it's a fella."
1043
00:53:33,040 --> 00:53:34,190
Sensational.
1044
00:53:34,280 --> 00:53:36,237
Very subtle.
1045
00:53:36,320 --> 00:53:38,277
- Take this.
- Give me this.
1046
00:53:38,360 --> 00:53:40,317
Room 44.
1047
00:53:40,400 --> 00:53:42,357
Yeah, I'll tell him.
1048
00:53:42,440 --> 00:53:44,397
The television people are here.
1049
00:53:44,480 --> 00:53:46,437
Here we go. Now, stop worrying.
1050
00:53:46,520 --> 00:53:48,751
Go on, get into your dress,
there's a good girl.
1051
00:53:50,760 --> 00:53:52,717
No. It goes over your head.
1052
00:53:52,800 --> 00:53:54,757
Bend down.
1053
00:53:56,000 --> 00:53:59,072
You could do with a spot
of rouge on your cheeks.
1054
00:53:59,160 --> 00:54:00,992
Get out.
1055
00:54:02,160 --> 00:54:04,117
What television interview?
1056
00:54:04,200 --> 00:54:06,271
I don't know anything
about any interviews.
1057
00:54:06,360 --> 00:54:08,324
Excuse me, but we made
arrangements with
1058
00:54:08,325 --> 00:54:10,240
Mr Fiddler to film
here at six o'clock.
1059
00:54:10,320 --> 00:54:11,370
In here?
1060
00:54:11,371 --> 00:54:14,519
Not in this dreary room.
It's not Bleak House.
1061
00:54:14,600 --> 00:54:16,910
Look here, I refuse to
stand here any longer
1062
00:54:17,000 --> 00:54:19,560
- and take any more...
- Connie, leave it to me.
1063
00:54:19,640 --> 00:54:21,979
Get them out of here,
understand? Out. I'm
1064
00:54:21,980 --> 00:54:24,317
not having any more of
your little stunts.
1065
00:54:24,400 --> 00:54:26,357
Excuse us. Connie...
1066
00:54:26,440 --> 00:54:29,274
I can't just chuck them out.
Think of the publicity.
1067
00:54:29,360 --> 00:54:31,317
We can't possibly
get enough of it.
1068
00:54:31,400 --> 00:54:33,648
Really? I was under
the impression that
1069
00:54:33,649 --> 00:54:35,952
you were getting more
than enough of it.
1070
00:54:36,040 --> 00:54:37,997
Excuse me. I'm sorry about that.
1071
00:54:38,080 --> 00:54:41,232
Mr Fiddler, we've come
quite a long way,
1072
00:54:41,320 --> 00:54:44,279
and I'm really rather worn out.
1073
00:54:44,360 --> 00:54:46,431
And you look it... tired, I mean.
1074
00:54:46,520 --> 00:54:48,273
I'd like to get it over with.
1075
00:54:48,360 --> 00:54:50,317
Through here, please.
1076
00:55:00,400 --> 00:55:02,631
Hello, can I won't
keep you a moment.
1077
00:55:02,720 --> 00:55:04,677
Hello? Hello?
1078
00:55:06,960 --> 00:55:08,917
Oh, it wasn't... it was...
1079
00:55:10,840 --> 00:55:12,797
I'd like to see Mr Potter, please.
1080
00:55:12,880 --> 00:55:15,031
Yes, just one moment, I'll...
1081
00:55:16,120 --> 00:55:18,032
Ee, give over.
1082
00:55:18,120 --> 00:55:20,077
Mr Potter? I won't
keep you a second.
1083
00:55:22,160 --> 00:55:24,117
Yes, Potter, that's quite right.
1084
00:55:24,200 --> 00:55:26,157
It's room 43, the fourth floor.
1085
00:55:26,240 --> 00:55:30,678
It's all right, don't you bother.
I'll give him a buzz for you.
1086
00:55:35,520 --> 00:55:37,477
No, no, please don't bother.
1087
00:55:37,560 --> 00:55:39,597
I'd like to surprise him, anyway.
1088
00:55:39,680 --> 00:55:41,637
Yes, well, it's room
43, fourth floor.
1089
00:55:41,720 --> 00:55:43,393
Ho. Shut up.
1090
00:55:49,400 --> 00:55:51,357
Careful.
1091
00:55:55,800 --> 00:55:58,400
I think you'd better go
down a couple of flights,
1092
00:55:58,401 --> 00:56:00,636
so you can get used to
the frock. Come on.
1093
00:56:36,520 --> 00:56:38,557
All right. Quiet,
everyone, please.
1094
00:56:38,640 --> 00:56:40,597
Ready whenever you
are, Mr Fiddler.
1095
00:56:40,680 --> 00:56:42,637
Hang on, we've just
got two more to come.
1096
00:56:45,440 --> 00:56:47,397
Excuse us.
1097
00:56:54,360 --> 00:56:57,034
Here they are. Up here,
please. Come on.
1098
00:57:00,800 --> 00:57:03,474
By Jove, what a magnificent beam.
1099
00:57:05,040 --> 00:57:06,474
You clumsy cow.
1100
00:57:06,560 --> 00:57:09,519
- I'm awfully sorry.
- Don't worry, I'll do it myself.
1101
00:57:09,600 --> 00:57:12,274
Miss Potter, would you get
on the end of the line?
1102
00:57:12,360 --> 00:57:14,317
Be a darling, Miss Potter.
1103
00:57:21,840 --> 00:57:23,797
There we are. All set.
1104
00:57:23,880 --> 00:57:25,837
Thank goodness for that.
1105
00:57:25,920 --> 00:57:27,639
Now we'll start.
1106
00:57:27,720 --> 00:57:31,191
Come on, girls, don't forget,
tease, please, plenty of tease.
1107
00:57:31,280 --> 00:57:34,432
Come on, throw your
thingamabobs out.
1108
00:57:34,520 --> 00:57:38,673
Not right out, darling. It's
not an educational programme.
1109
00:57:38,760 --> 00:57:40,824
Yes, yes, I know.
But even supposing
1110
00:57:40,825 --> 00:57:42,720
that your information is correct,
1111
00:57:42,800 --> 00:57:44,757
I fail to see what
we can do about it.
1112
00:57:44,840 --> 00:57:48,470
Inspector, is there no law against
a man masquerading as a woman?
1113
00:57:48,560 --> 00:57:51,917
Well, if it's with intent to
defraud the public, yes, madam.
1114
00:57:52,000 --> 00:57:54,077
But he would only
be defrauding if he
1115
00:57:54,078 --> 00:57:56,153
was offering something
he hadn't got.
1116
00:57:56,240 --> 00:57:58,596
He would be offering
something he hasn't got.
1117
00:57:58,680 --> 00:58:00,637
It depends what he's offering.
1118
00:58:01,720 --> 00:58:04,410
Well, that is tricky.
Take this gentleman here.
1119
00:58:04,411 --> 00:58:06,875
He can dress up as a
woman if he so wishes.
1120
00:58:06,960 --> 00:58:08,280
She is a woman.
1121
00:58:09,360 --> 00:58:11,317
Oh, well, that's different.
1122
00:58:11,400 --> 00:58:14,313
- She can dress up as a man.
- She is.
1123
00:58:14,400 --> 00:58:16,357
Oh, this is getting us nowhere.
1124
00:58:16,440 --> 00:58:18,494
Inspector, is it
or is it not fraud
1125
00:58:18,495 --> 00:58:20,320
if a man masquerades as a woman
1126
00:58:20,400 --> 00:58:22,357
in order to win a prize?
1127
00:58:22,440 --> 00:58:24,397
That would be an offence.
1128
00:58:24,480 --> 00:58:26,756
Then that is all we wish
to know. Come along.
1129
00:58:28,880 --> 00:58:31,361
And now, Woman's
Things takes you to
1130
00:58:31,362 --> 00:58:33,909
the darling seaside
town of Fircombe,
1131
00:58:35,000 --> 00:58:37,435
for an exclusive
behind-the-scenes peep
1132
00:58:37,520 --> 00:58:41,420
at the drama in a
typical beauty contest.
1133
00:58:41,421 --> 00:58:42,720
Stop.
1134
00:58:44,240 --> 00:58:48,234
Madam, if you don't mind, we are
recording a television show.
1135
00:58:48,320 --> 00:58:50,421
You are recording
a public scandal,
1136
00:58:50,422 --> 00:58:51,996
that is what you're doing.
1137
00:58:52,080 --> 00:58:54,390
I beg your pardon?
1138
00:58:54,480 --> 00:58:58,838
I have every reason to believe
that one of those women is a man.
1139
00:59:01,800 --> 00:59:03,439
Really?
1140
00:59:03,520 --> 00:59:05,273
Do tell.
1141
00:59:05,360 --> 00:59:07,431
You don't know what you're saying.
1142
00:59:07,520 --> 00:59:11,036
Oh, yes, I do. I had an
anonymous phone call.
1143
00:59:11,120 --> 00:59:12,664
Well, we'll soon sort that out.
1144
00:59:12,665 --> 00:59:14,557
Girls, you heard
what the lady said.
1145
00:59:14,640 --> 00:59:17,792
If it's true, would the guilty
one kindly step forward?
1146
00:59:19,120 --> 00:59:20,440
Satisfied?
1147
00:59:20,520 --> 00:59:23,957
Certainly not. I demand that each
one undergoes an examination.
1148
00:59:24,040 --> 00:59:26,839
- Physical examination?
- Exactly.
1149
00:59:26,920 --> 00:59:29,418
It's up to them. If it
was me, I'd be only too
1150
00:59:29,419 --> 00:59:32,075
happy to prove you wrong.
What do you say, girls?
1151
00:59:32,160 --> 00:59:33,177
Strip off, you mean?
1152
00:59:33,178 --> 00:59:35,119
Just to the undies.
That'll be enough.
1153
00:59:35,200 --> 00:59:37,431
Well, I'm game. Come on.
1154
00:59:39,040 --> 00:59:40,679
Miss Potter.
1155
00:59:47,240 --> 00:59:49,277
Keep shooting, Cyril,
it'll be a sensation.
1156
00:59:51,360 --> 00:59:53,317
You too, Miss Potter.
Now don't be shy.
1157
00:59:53,400 --> 00:59:56,120
- You rotten, stinking...
- That's him.
1158
00:59:56,200 --> 00:59:58,590
- Stop him, somebody.
- Stop him.
1159
01:00:00,640 --> 01:00:02,233
Stop that... person.
1160
01:00:03,680 --> 01:00:05,637
After him.
1161
01:00:05,720 --> 01:00:07,677
Tally-ho.
1162
01:00:17,280 --> 01:00:20,034
This way, my dear. Over here.
1163
01:00:25,080 --> 01:00:27,037
Up the stairs.
1164
01:00:32,120 --> 01:00:34,476
How dare you, you thing, you.
1165
01:00:37,640 --> 01:00:40,394
Serves you right for trying,
you dirty old lecher.
1166
01:00:40,480 --> 01:00:42,437
Help.
1167
01:00:52,360 --> 01:00:54,317
Sorry, wrong room.
1168
01:00:58,000 --> 01:00:59,957
Peter, in here.
1169
01:01:04,680 --> 01:01:06,637
Get your own clothes on.
1170
01:01:06,720 --> 01:01:09,679
Go on, get in the bathroom.
Get your make-up off.
1171
01:01:15,560 --> 01:01:19,793
Excuse me. Have you seen a
half-clothed... woman up here?
1172
01:01:19,880 --> 01:01:22,839
Why, yes. She came into my
fiancé's room a moment ago.
1173
01:01:22,920 --> 01:01:25,230
- It's in there.
- What is?
1174
01:01:25,320 --> 01:01:27,277
Don't ask me, sir.
1175
01:01:27,360 --> 01:01:29,317
Leave this to me, please.
1176
01:01:32,040 --> 01:01:34,839
I must ask you to open the
door. Please. It's the police.
1177
01:01:34,920 --> 01:01:36,877
Quick, on the bed.
1178
01:01:39,000 --> 01:01:40,719
Ahem.
1179
01:01:41,800 --> 01:01:44,076
How dare you burst in like that.
1180
01:01:44,160 --> 01:01:47,631
Excuse me, madam... sir.
We were looking for a...
1181
01:01:49,240 --> 01:01:51,596
Sorry. All right, come on.
1182
01:01:54,000 --> 01:01:56,674
Oh, you're wonderful.
1183
01:01:58,800 --> 01:02:02,680
- Peter.
- Oh, no.
1184
01:02:23,160 --> 01:02:24,885
See the way they're
pouring in. It's
1185
01:02:24,886 --> 01:02:26,517
even better than we bargained for.
1186
01:02:26,600 --> 01:02:28,304
Than you bargained for, you mean.
1187
01:02:28,305 --> 01:02:30,435
You're not still sore
about what happened?
1188
01:02:30,520 --> 01:02:32,477
Oh, no, I'm chuffed to bits.
1189
01:02:32,560 --> 01:02:36,236
I've lost my fiancée, I nearly get
raped by a sex-starved admiral,
1190
01:02:36,320 --> 01:02:38,880
and if it hadn't been for
Hope, I'd be in jail by now.
1191
01:02:38,960 --> 01:02:41,413
Her idea, was it? All
that rumpo on the bed?
1192
01:02:41,414 --> 01:02:42,874
It certainly wasn't mine.
1193
01:02:42,960 --> 01:02:45,362
What are you complaining
about? Consider
1194
01:02:45,363 --> 01:02:48,115
yourself dead lucky you
got anywhere near her.
1195
01:02:48,200 --> 01:02:50,157
I've got nothing against her.
1196
01:02:50,240 --> 01:02:52,550
It's just that I happen
to be in love with Paula.
1197
01:02:52,640 --> 01:02:55,109
Oh, forget it. She'll come
back. They always do.
1198
01:02:55,200 --> 01:02:57,389
Look at old Connie.
Last night she wouldn't
1199
01:02:57,390 --> 01:02:59,479
speak to me, today
she'll be all over me.
1200
01:02:59,560 --> 01:03:01,995
Hello, darling. Doing
all right out there?
1201
01:03:02,080 --> 01:03:04,549
I told you they'd come
flocking in, didn't I?
1202
01:03:08,800 --> 01:03:12,316
All over you... and
from a great height.
1203
01:03:12,400 --> 01:03:15,279
That's exactly how it
happened, believe it or not.
1204
01:03:15,360 --> 01:03:18,000
I suppose Peter asked you
to come and tell me this.
1205
01:03:18,080 --> 01:03:20,037
No, he doesn't know I'm here.
1206
01:03:20,120 --> 01:03:22,102
But he was so upset,
I thought I ought
1207
01:03:22,103 --> 01:03:23,830
to try and straighten things out.
1208
01:03:23,920 --> 01:03:26,992
You mean that this mysterious
Patricia Potter was Peter?
1209
01:03:27,080 --> 01:03:28,116
Yes.
1210
01:03:29,200 --> 01:03:31,715
The silly fool. What
made him do it?
1211
01:03:31,800 --> 01:03:34,110
It wasn't his idea. Sid
talked him into it.
1212
01:03:34,200 --> 01:03:36,795
From what I've heard about
him, I can well believe that.
1213
01:03:36,880 --> 01:03:38,758
Oh, Sid's not so bad. He's really
1214
01:03:38,759 --> 01:03:40,920
quite nice when you
get to know him.
1215
01:03:41,000 --> 01:03:43,469
I'm sorry, I didn't realise
you were keen on him.
1216
01:03:43,560 --> 01:03:46,837
Now you come to mention
it... neither did I.
1217
01:03:46,920 --> 01:03:49,310
There's a thing.
1218
01:03:49,400 --> 01:03:52,711
Look, are we the only two who
know Peter was this girl?
1219
01:03:52,800 --> 01:03:55,076
Yeah, why?
1220
01:03:55,160 --> 01:03:57,959
If Peter can be a beauty
queen, I'm damn sure I can.
1221
01:03:58,040 --> 01:03:59,997
Do you think I stand a chance?
1222
01:04:00,080 --> 01:04:01,753
Yeah.
1223
01:04:01,840 --> 01:04:04,400
Here, you'll be the greatest.
1224
01:04:04,480 --> 01:04:06,437
Mildred.
1225
01:04:07,520 --> 01:04:08,520
Mildred?
1226
01:04:23,920 --> 01:04:25,877
There.
1227
01:04:25,960 --> 01:04:27,917
That should do it good.
1228
01:04:29,200 --> 01:04:31,157
Now, perhaps, you
will get dressed.
1229
01:04:31,240 --> 01:04:33,197
Why?
1230
01:04:33,280 --> 01:04:35,237
The car will be here soon.
1231
01:04:35,320 --> 01:04:38,836
We are due at the fire
station at ten o'clock.
1232
01:04:38,920 --> 01:04:40,877
What for?
1233
01:04:40,960 --> 01:04:42,917
To inspect their new fire engine.
1234
01:04:43,000 --> 01:04:44,957
That should be exciting.
1235
01:04:51,800 --> 01:04:54,952
Will you please go to the
toilet before we leave?
1236
01:04:55,040 --> 01:04:57,714
I don't think I'll
bother, thank you.
1237
01:04:57,800 --> 01:05:00,156
I don't feel like looking
at fire engines.
1238
01:05:00,240 --> 01:05:02,197
Have you taken leave
of your senses?
1239
01:05:02,280 --> 01:05:04,633
Those firemen are
expecting you to be there
1240
01:05:04,634 --> 01:05:06,718
with me. What am I
going to tell them?
1241
01:05:07,800 --> 01:05:10,679
Tell them there's more than
one way to put a fire out.
1242
01:05:10,760 --> 01:05:14,071
And that's exactly how I
feel about their new engine.
1243
01:05:15,560 --> 01:05:18,758
As you all know, this degrading
spectacle is due to take place
1244
01:05:18,800 --> 01:05:21,872
at 3pm on Saturday
in the pier theatre.
1245
01:05:21,960 --> 01:05:25,920
And our primary objective now
is to ensure that it does not.
1246
01:05:26,000 --> 01:05:28,276
- Hear, hear.
- Now for your orders, then.
1247
01:05:29,360 --> 01:05:31,591
This is a plan of the
pier and the theatre.
1248
01:05:31,680 --> 01:05:34,149
Each one of you section leaders
1249
01:05:34,240 --> 01:05:37,312
will be in command of one
area of the offensive.
1250
01:05:37,400 --> 01:05:40,519
I must stress that
the success of the
1251
01:05:40,520 --> 01:05:43,556
whole operation
depends on surprise.
1252
01:05:43,640 --> 01:05:48,510
And I must ask you to regard
this briefing as top-secret.
1253
01:05:51,640 --> 01:05:54,075
I think there's someone
in the outer office.
1254
01:06:00,840 --> 01:06:03,799
Aha. All right, come in here.
1255
01:06:05,520 --> 01:06:07,477
I'm sorry.
1256
01:06:07,560 --> 01:06:09,756
I didn't mean to disturb anything.
1257
01:06:09,840 --> 01:06:11,593
Mrs Bumble.
1258
01:06:11,680 --> 01:06:13,637
What are you doing here?
1259
01:06:13,720 --> 01:06:16,918
Please... I'd like to join up.
1260
01:06:18,440 --> 01:06:21,080
Rosemary, get the candle.
1261
01:06:21,160 --> 01:06:23,117
Right, it's a deal.
1262
01:06:23,200 --> 01:06:25,760
Three o'clock in the pier
theatre on Saturday.
1263
01:06:25,840 --> 01:06:27,797
And thank you. Mr Gaybody.
1264
01:06:27,880 --> 01:06:29,865
How about that, Pete?
5,000 quid for
1265
01:06:29,866 --> 01:06:31,635
the exclusive television rights.
1266
01:06:31,720 --> 01:06:32,720
Marvellous.
1267
01:06:32,721 --> 01:06:34,758
What are you looking
so worried about?
1268
01:06:34,840 --> 01:06:37,992
We haven't seen those Women's
Lib pickets out all day today.
1269
01:06:38,080 --> 01:06:40,151
So what? We've got 'em
licked and they know it.
1270
01:06:40,240 --> 01:06:42,197
But why should they
choose to stop now?
1271
01:06:42,280 --> 01:06:44,423
That is women's
fundamental weakness.
1272
01:06:44,424 --> 01:06:46,115
They never know when to stop.
1273
01:06:46,200 --> 01:06:49,193
Don't worry. It's all plain
sailing from now on.
1274
01:06:51,960 --> 01:06:53,818
Yes, Inspector? What
can I do for you?
1275
01:06:53,819 --> 01:06:54,819
Excuse me, sir,
1276
01:06:54,820 --> 01:06:57,633
we've had information that Miss
Patricia Potter is here again.
1277
01:06:57,720 --> 01:07:00,519
- Impossible. He's here.
- That's what I said, sir.
1278
01:07:00,600 --> 01:07:02,301
But he can't... she can't be.
1279
01:07:02,302 --> 01:07:04,879
William booked her into
Miss Spring's room.
1280
01:07:04,960 --> 01:07:06,770
What the hell's going on here?
1281
01:07:06,771 --> 01:07:08,920
Perhaps we'd better find out, sir.
1282
01:07:09,000 --> 01:07:11,356
You're dead right,
matey. We will find out.
1283
01:07:24,840 --> 01:07:26,797
Oh... Oh, hello, Sid.
1284
01:07:26,880 --> 01:07:30,351
The Inspector seems to think that
you have Patricia Potter in here.
1285
01:07:30,440 --> 01:07:33,353
- Yes, that's right.
- You have?
1286
01:07:33,440 --> 01:07:35,591
I'd like to see him, please, miss.
1287
01:07:35,592 --> 01:07:36,638
You mean "her".
1288
01:07:38,360 --> 01:07:40,317
I'd like to see him
or her, please.
1289
01:07:40,400 --> 01:07:41,834
Ok. Come in.
1290
01:07:46,160 --> 01:07:48,117
Someone to see you, Patricia.
1291
01:07:49,560 --> 01:07:51,119
Yes?
1292
01:07:52,360 --> 01:07:55,114
- You are Miss Patricia Potter?
- That's right.
1293
01:07:55,200 --> 01:07:57,351
Is that the one what was
here before, Cookson?
1294
01:07:57,440 --> 01:07:59,113
I think so, sir.
1295
01:07:59,200 --> 01:08:01,369
I'm sorry about running
away like I did,
1296
01:08:01,370 --> 01:08:03,274
but I hadn't got
my best undies on.
1297
01:08:03,360 --> 01:08:04,635
Oh. Yes?
1298
01:08:05,680 --> 01:08:08,144
Do you still intend to
enter the beauty contest?
1299
01:08:08,145 --> 01:08:09,594
Of course. Why shouldn't I?
1300
01:08:09,680 --> 01:08:12,639
Because we have reason to believe
that you are of the male sex.
1301
01:08:12,720 --> 01:08:14,279
Oh, well, really.
1302
01:08:14,360 --> 01:08:16,317
Do I look like a man?
1303
01:08:16,400 --> 01:08:19,154
These days, it's very
often difficult to tell.
1304
01:08:21,040 --> 01:08:23,565
What about you? Do
you think I'm male?
1305
01:08:23,566 --> 01:08:24,920
I'd rather not say.
1306
01:08:25,000 --> 01:08:28,152
Well, there's only one way of
proving I'm not, I suppose.
1307
01:08:28,240 --> 01:08:29,272
No, no, don't do that.
1308
01:08:29,273 --> 01:08:31,551
It's all right. I've got
something on underneath.
1309
01:08:31,640 --> 01:08:33,597
Is that enough?
1310
01:08:33,680 --> 01:08:35,637
Yes. Thank you, miss.
1311
01:08:35,720 --> 01:08:38,155
I must apologise. I am
perfectly satisfied.
1312
01:08:38,240 --> 01:08:40,197
All right, Cookson, come along.
1313
01:08:42,200 --> 01:08:44,157
Nice work, darling.
1314
01:08:44,240 --> 01:08:46,197
Hey.
1315
01:08:47,280 --> 01:08:49,237
What about you, Peter?
1316
01:08:49,320 --> 01:08:51,312
Are you perfectly satisfied?
1317
01:08:51,400 --> 01:08:52,436
No.
1318
01:08:52,520 --> 01:08:54,477
But I bloody well soon will be.
1319
01:09:00,560 --> 01:09:02,517
By the... Ooh, dear.
1320
01:09:05,040 --> 01:09:07,316
- And by this action...
- And by this action...
1321
01:09:07,400 --> 01:09:09,756
- I, Mildred Bumble...
- I, Mildred Bumble...
1322
01:09:09,840 --> 01:09:11,877
publicly proclaim my
equality to man...
1323
01:09:11,878 --> 01:09:13,914
publicly proclaim my
equality to man...
1324
01:09:14,000 --> 01:09:16,316
and cast aside the
bonds of womanhood.
1325
01:09:16,317 --> 01:09:18,631
And cast aside the
bonds of womanhood.
1326
01:09:18,720 --> 01:09:20,677
- Proceed.
- Proceed.
1327
01:09:33,560 --> 01:09:35,711
Call the fire brigade, someone.
1328
01:09:35,800 --> 01:09:39,032
This is indeed a proud day for
the Fircombe Fire Brigade.
1329
01:09:40,120 --> 01:09:42,077
Very nice.
1330
01:09:43,680 --> 01:09:46,320
- Highly polished. What is that?
- That's the bell, sir.
1331
01:09:46,400 --> 01:09:48,357
The new high-speed hose.
1332
01:09:49,440 --> 01:09:52,751
Well, well, I must say, it all
looks very efficient to me.
1333
01:09:52,840 --> 01:09:54,115
What is all this?
1334
01:09:54,200 --> 01:09:58,194
Well, amongst other things, Your
Worship, this houses the lifeline.
1335
01:09:58,280 --> 01:10:00,112
The lifeline?
1336
01:10:00,200 --> 01:10:03,830
When any of the men are entering
a smoking building or suchlike,
1337
01:10:03,920 --> 01:10:06,640
first they attach one of
these hooks to their belt.
1338
01:10:06,720 --> 01:10:08,677
Oh, I see.
1339
01:10:08,760 --> 01:10:10,717
Very good, yes.
1340
01:10:10,800 --> 01:10:12,757
- Like this?
- That's right.
1341
01:10:12,840 --> 01:10:15,309
Your Worship, I'd like to
take a photograph of that.
1342
01:10:15,400 --> 01:10:17,357
Certainly, my boy, certainly.
1343
01:10:20,800 --> 01:10:23,872
- Good heavens, what was that?
- That's the alarm, I'm afraid.
1344
01:10:56,560 --> 01:10:58,517
How much is that, please?
1345
01:10:58,600 --> 01:10:59,762
50 pence, please, sir.
1346
01:10:59,763 --> 01:11:02,037
Half a quid? Blimey,
it'll have to be good.
1347
01:11:02,120 --> 01:11:04,510
I assure you, you won't see
anything like it again.
1348
01:11:04,600 --> 01:11:06,557
Great, inn't it?
1349
01:11:06,640 --> 01:11:08,597
I didn't expect a crowd like this.
1350
01:11:08,680 --> 01:11:11,320
- We'll be sold out soon.
- Thanks for helping, Con.
1351
01:11:11,400 --> 01:11:13,551
Oh, I wouldn't have
missed it for anything.
1352
01:11:13,640 --> 01:11:15,640
You can't say I haven't
worked for it.
1353
01:11:15,641 --> 01:11:18,078
No, you're going to get
everything you deserve.
1354
01:11:18,160 --> 01:11:19,958
I've got to get up
to the theatre now.
1355
01:11:20,040 --> 01:11:22,794
Just make sure all this money
is locked up nice and safe.
1356
01:11:22,880 --> 01:11:25,349
- Oh, I'll take good care of it.
- That's my girl.
1357
01:11:30,800 --> 01:11:34,350
You'd better keep your eye on that
lot. We don't want any trouble.
1358
01:11:34,440 --> 01:11:37,000
Don't worry, sir. None of
them will get past us.
1359
01:11:37,080 --> 01:11:39,037
Good lad.
1360
01:11:49,680 --> 01:11:51,637
Yes?
1361
01:11:57,680 --> 01:12:01,196
Excuse me, I'm looking for
Paula... Miss Patricia Potter.
1362
01:12:01,280 --> 01:12:03,511
All right, darling, I'll
come out. Just a tick.
1363
01:12:06,320 --> 01:12:09,313
- Enjoying the view?
- Oh, sorry.
1364
01:12:13,280 --> 01:12:15,237
What is it, darling?
1365
01:12:15,320 --> 01:12:17,676
Paula, I don't want you
to take part in this.
1366
01:12:17,760 --> 01:12:20,639
But, darling, I'm enjoying
it. And I might even win.
1367
01:12:20,720 --> 01:12:23,228
I can't help it. I can't
stand the thought of
1368
01:12:23,229 --> 01:12:25,954
those people leering and
mentally undressing you.
1369
01:12:26,040 --> 01:12:28,635
They won't have to strain
their mentality much.
1370
01:12:29,760 --> 01:12:31,717
You're not going
out there in that?
1371
01:12:31,800 --> 01:12:33,817
Don't you think it's suitable?
1372
01:12:33,818 --> 01:12:36,591
Suitable? You're showing
your... button.
1373
01:12:36,680 --> 01:12:39,036
- My what?
- Your button. That.
1374
01:12:39,120 --> 01:12:41,316
Oh. Is that bad?
1375
01:12:41,400 --> 01:12:43,286
Don't you know there
are certain things
1376
01:12:43,287 --> 01:12:45,030
a woman just doesn't
show in public?
1377
01:12:45,120 --> 01:12:48,318
But I didn't think that was one of
them. My mother always told me...
1378
01:12:48,400 --> 01:12:51,359
I don't care. You're not going
out there and that's that.
1379
01:12:51,440 --> 01:12:52,954
Peter, you don't own me.
1380
01:12:53,040 --> 01:12:55,077
I damn well do. When
people meet my wife,
1381
01:12:55,160 --> 01:12:57,516
they'll say, "There's the
woman with the button".
1382
01:12:57,600 --> 01:12:59,956
Yes, darling. Let's see now...
1383
01:13:00,040 --> 01:13:02,545
How would it be if I wore
this bit down there?
1384
01:13:02,546 --> 01:13:03,670
Well, that might...
1385
01:13:04,760 --> 01:13:06,717
Darling, I'm going to marry you.
1386
01:13:08,600 --> 01:13:11,752
Don't worry, darling. I'll try and
find something more respectable.
1387
01:13:26,640 --> 01:13:28,597
Sun Ray to A Able.
1388
01:13:28,680 --> 01:13:30,637
Commence Operation Nobble.
1389
01:13:30,720 --> 01:13:32,074
Roger and out.
1390
01:13:43,520 --> 01:13:45,477
Five minutes, girls.
1391
01:13:45,560 --> 01:13:47,517
Excuse me.
1392
01:13:48,600 --> 01:13:50,557
Are you going to wear your own?
1393
01:13:50,640 --> 01:13:52,597
Yeah, I like it, actually.
1394
01:13:53,680 --> 01:13:56,149
It makes you look
younger. Doesn't it?
1395
01:14:07,400 --> 01:14:09,727
All right, Fred. All I
want from you is a few
1396
01:14:09,728 --> 01:14:12,156
well-chosen words to start
the whole thing off.
1397
01:14:12,240 --> 01:14:14,709
Yes, I had thought of
something along these lines:
1398
01:14:14,800 --> 01:14:17,139
"Good afternoon, ladies
and gentlemen..."
1399
01:14:17,140 --> 01:14:18,680
Great, that's just enough.
1400
01:14:18,760 --> 01:14:21,229
- Excuse me.
- Are you going to wish me luck?
1401
01:14:21,320 --> 01:14:23,915
- You won't need it, darling.
- You reckon?
1402
01:14:24,000 --> 01:14:26,356
I know. I'll speak to the
judges. They're mates.
1403
01:14:26,440 --> 01:14:29,512
- You great big stupid ape.
- What's the matter?
1404
01:14:29,600 --> 01:14:31,635
You think you can go
through life fixing
1405
01:14:31,636 --> 01:14:33,719
things, even me. Well,
you're dead wrong.
1406
01:14:33,800 --> 01:14:35,792
If I do win, it'll be
without any help from you.
1407
01:14:35,880 --> 01:14:38,156
Wait a minute. Come here.
1408
01:14:38,240 --> 01:14:41,199
Don't you see? I'm trying to
do something nice for you.
1409
01:14:41,280 --> 01:14:43,749
Well, if you want to do
something nice, wish me luck.
1410
01:14:43,840 --> 01:14:46,116
I do, but even luck
needs a bit of a shove.
1411
01:14:46,200 --> 01:14:49,557
You'll never change, will you? No,
Sid, but thanks all the same.
1412
01:14:49,640 --> 01:14:51,597
All right, good luck.
1413
01:14:58,480 --> 01:15:00,358
Do you mind? This is private.
1414
01:15:00,440 --> 01:15:01,760
This is the ladies' cloakroom.
1415
01:15:01,840 --> 01:15:03,797
Oh, Gawd.
1416
01:15:12,440 --> 01:15:14,318
Good afternoon, madam.
1417
01:15:15,400 --> 01:15:19,076
And although this venture
has not been welcomed
1418
01:15:19,160 --> 01:15:21,629
by some of our more
retrogressive residents,
1419
01:15:21,720 --> 01:15:23,677
I venture to say...
1420
01:15:23,760 --> 01:15:25,717
nay, nay...
1421
01:15:25,800 --> 01:15:27,757
I more than venture,
1422
01:15:27,840 --> 01:15:29,797
I proudly say...
1423
01:15:29,880 --> 01:15:32,634
I proudly say... what?
1424
01:15:32,720 --> 01:15:34,791
- Ready? I'll introduce you.
- Not quite yet.
1425
01:15:34,880 --> 01:15:36,519
All right, Fred.
1426
01:15:38,600 --> 01:15:40,557
Thank you.
1427
01:15:41,880 --> 01:15:43,837
Ladies and gentlemen,
1428
01:15:43,920 --> 01:15:47,755
welcome to this. The very first
Miss Fircombe beauty contest.
1429
01:15:47,840 --> 01:15:50,116
I am highly delighted
to be able to tell you
1430
01:15:50,200 --> 01:15:52,525
that all the contestants
you will see today
1431
01:15:52,526 --> 01:15:54,956
represent the very cream
of their profession.
1432
01:15:55,040 --> 01:15:58,078
Cream, let me say, that comes in
the most magnificent containers.
1433
01:16:01,200 --> 01:16:03,157
Thank you. Before
we go any further,
1434
01:16:03,240 --> 01:16:05,300
I'd like you to meet
the man who has given
1435
01:16:05,301 --> 01:16:07,120
unstintingly of his
time to Fircombe,
1436
01:16:07,200 --> 01:16:09,032
your own distinguished mayor,
1437
01:16:09,120 --> 01:16:11,077
Alderman Bumble.
1438
01:16:11,160 --> 01:16:13,311
Clear my throat.
1439
01:16:17,880 --> 01:16:19,837
Ladies and gentlemen...
1440
01:16:19,920 --> 01:16:21,434
Get 'em off.
1441
01:16:23,880 --> 01:16:26,520
Get 'em off. Bumble.
1442
01:16:28,440 --> 01:16:30,397
That's your lot, Fred.
Don't overdo it.
1443
01:16:30,480 --> 01:16:32,437
It gives me great
pleasure to be here...
1444
01:16:34,840 --> 01:16:36,797
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
1445
01:16:36,880 --> 01:16:40,191
It's time for you to meet our
distinguished panel of judges,
1446
01:16:40,280 --> 01:16:42,840
who have given their
services entirely free.
1447
01:16:42,920 --> 01:16:45,435
First of all, we have
Miss Carlotta Strong,
1448
01:16:45,520 --> 01:16:47,716
principal of the Fircombe
School of Dancing.
1449
01:16:47,800 --> 01:16:49,757
Miss Charleston 1932.
1450
01:16:56,120 --> 01:17:00,319
Second, Mr Alf Foggett,
landlord of the Royal Oak.
1451
01:17:05,640 --> 01:17:07,836
And finally, ladies and gentlemen,
1452
01:17:07,920 --> 01:17:09,978
none other than Mr Roger Tipson.
1453
01:17:09,979 --> 01:17:12,358
Your own borough
sanitary engineer.
1454
01:17:15,800 --> 01:17:18,064
And now, ladies and
gentlemen, now comes
1455
01:17:18,065 --> 01:17:20,272
the moment you've all
been waiting for,
1456
01:17:20,360 --> 01:17:23,000
the grand parade of all
our lovely contestants,
1457
01:17:23,080 --> 01:17:26,073
introduced to you
by Mr Peter Potter.
1458
01:17:33,280 --> 01:17:35,351
Our first contestant
this afternoon
1459
01:17:35,440 --> 01:17:37,869
is a young lady who is the present
1460
01:17:37,870 --> 01:17:40,799
holder of the title
Miss Dairy Queen...
1461
01:17:40,880 --> 01:17:42,837
Dawn Breaks.
1462
01:17:55,560 --> 01:17:56,994
Reminds me of HMS Bristol.
1463
01:17:57,080 --> 01:17:59,037
Thank you, Dawn.
1464
01:17:59,120 --> 01:18:02,227
Next a young lady who is
a late but nonetheless
1465
01:18:02,228 --> 01:18:04,752
very welcome entrant
to the contest...
1466
01:18:04,840 --> 01:18:06,991
Miss Patricia Potter.
1467
01:18:17,840 --> 01:18:19,718
By Jove.
1468
01:18:19,800 --> 01:18:21,757
Thank you, Miss Potter.
1469
01:18:23,800 --> 01:18:26,031
Third, we have a very
popular young lady,
1470
01:18:26,120 --> 01:18:29,516
who is the current
holder of the title
1471
01:18:29,517 --> 01:18:32,390
Miss Easy Rider... Hope Springs.
1472
01:19:05,560 --> 01:19:07,472
What's the matter?
Has she got fleas?
1473
01:19:09,760 --> 01:19:10,796
They all have.
1474
01:19:13,880 --> 01:19:15,678
Well done, Section A.
1475
01:19:16,760 --> 01:19:18,717
Get the next one on quick.
1476
01:19:18,800 --> 01:19:20,439
Contestant number four,
1477
01:19:20,520 --> 01:19:22,477
Geraldine Payne.
1478
01:19:25,680 --> 01:19:27,911
Section B, commence downfall.
1479
01:19:28,000 --> 01:19:29,400
Roger.
1480
01:19:31,800 --> 01:19:33,154
That's more like it.
1481
01:19:52,200 --> 01:19:53,793
What's happening here?
1482
01:20:18,600 --> 01:20:20,557
And now for a lady from bonny...
1483
01:20:22,240 --> 01:20:25,756
land, Miss Susan Brooks.
1484
01:20:32,040 --> 01:20:34,635
Oh, my God. Get the
rest of them on quick.
1485
01:20:34,720 --> 01:20:36,951
Miss Eileen Denby.
1486
01:20:38,120 --> 01:20:40,271
Miss Maureen...
1487
01:20:41,920 --> 01:20:43,877
- A-choo.
- Aagh.
1488
01:20:47,360 --> 01:20:49,920
Miss Gloria Grimes.
1489
01:20:53,000 --> 01:20:55,390
Miss Melanie... Parker.
1490
01:20:57,880 --> 01:21:00,156
Miss Frances Dent.
1491
01:21:01,880 --> 01:21:03,872
Miss...
1492
01:21:04,440 --> 01:21:06,159
Sun Ray to all sections.
1493
01:21:06,240 --> 01:21:08,436
Commence Cloudburst.
1494
01:21:56,320 --> 01:21:58,277
Ladies and gentlemen, please.
1495
01:21:58,360 --> 01:22:02,320
There is no need to panic. If
you'll all try and keep your feet,
1496
01:22:02,400 --> 01:22:05,393
we will endeavour to find
out what has gone wrong.
1497
01:22:05,480 --> 01:22:07,437
Ladies and gentlemen, please.
1498
01:22:07,520 --> 01:22:10,433
This is your mayor
speaking to you.
1499
01:22:12,200 --> 01:22:15,876
I know how terribly
disappointed you must all be,
1500
01:22:15,960 --> 01:22:18,191
but we mustn't let it get us down.
1501
01:22:19,800 --> 01:22:22,315
Man the pumps. Abandon ship.
1502
01:22:26,240 --> 01:22:28,311
It's all right,
ladies and gentlemen.
1503
01:22:28,400 --> 01:22:31,632
- Keep your seats.
- It's a swindle.
1504
01:22:31,720 --> 01:22:34,189
There's Fiddler. Come
on, let's get him.
1505
01:22:34,280 --> 01:22:36,237
All right. Goodbye.
1506
01:22:46,080 --> 01:22:47,080
There he is.
1507
01:22:54,080 --> 01:22:56,640
Look out, he's gone raving mad.
1508
01:22:59,600 --> 01:23:01,557
Sid, wait for me.
1509
01:23:38,400 --> 01:23:41,837
"Thanks, Sid, this will pay for
all my hotel damages. Connie.
1510
01:23:41,920 --> 01:23:43,877
Love."
1511
01:23:44,960 --> 01:23:47,634
Love? The crooked old cow.
1512
01:23:56,200 --> 01:23:58,157
Stop.
1513
01:24:00,840 --> 01:24:02,399
There's another one. Hey.
1514
01:24:02,480 --> 01:24:04,949
- Sid, wait for me.
- Stop that woman.
1515
01:24:05,040 --> 01:24:06,997
Stop them.
1516
01:24:07,080 --> 01:24:09,436
Somebody stop those two.
1517
01:24:17,360 --> 01:24:19,317
Not bloody likely.
114157
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