Original subtitles

DENISE: Previously on Boston Legal…

I don't fear death.

But I am afraid of being hooked up to a machine.

If it came to that, my friend, I would pull your plug.

Pull the plug? I want you to shoot me.

Professor Clifford Cabot's cabinet of sexual curiosities.

I intend for it to be my legacy to the world.

PAUL: I need a favor.

I want you to find out if my daughter is using drugs again.

-I'm Rachel. -I'm Brad. Nice to meet you.

PAUL: You made contact with Rachel?

She's been clean for five years.

Denise Bauer, attorney. Daniel Post.

Guy dying of cancer.

You're going off like a dog, aren't you?

-What do you mean? -When a dog knows it's going to die,

it goes off into the woods by itself.

ALAN: Imagine killing somebody you deeply love.

You said you do it for me. You promised.

I don't know that I could.

-We had sex. -Yes.

-BRAD: Incredible sex. -DENISE: Yes.

-And that's it? -Yes.

If you're okay with going back to the way things were, so am I.

-Just friends? -Just friends.

DENISE: Friends with benefits.

SHIRLEY: Alan, Marlene Stanger. Marlene, Alan Shore.

I look forward to working with you, Miss Stanger.

-Marlene is a first-rate lawyer. -She stole my case.

I thought we could do better.

You're not going to get very far at Crane, Poole & Schmidt

pulling the kind of crap you did with this case.

Cancel the rest of your weekend. I'm taking you to Nimmo Bay.

I'm going to take you to my spa.

-What are you doing in my bed? -I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

ALAN: Anything Denny Crane can do,

I can do backwards and wearing high heels.

-Who are we? -Denny Crane.

-Alan Shore. -Leaders of men.

With bull's-eyes on our asses.

(slow stinger playing)

(women grumbling and screaming)

(objects clattering)

SHIRLEY: What the hell? Paul, stop them!

Security's been called

-Oh, dear. This could be my fault. -(glass shattering)

-(women grunting) -I seem to have mated them both.

(women screaming)

Yes, I did, all right.

Jane. Sheila.

-Alan, this is absolutely… -Wrong, yes.

Office policy manuals and such. I know, Shirley.

But you'll just have to cut me some slack this time of year.

-This time of year? -It's spring. I'm in heat.

(comical stinger playing)

-I hear you're in the heat. -It seems so.

Me too. We must be on the same cycle.

What do you do when you're in heat?

-Generally, I have a good deal of sex. -Me too! Where?

Out and about.

You mean right here in Boston?

-It's the most convenient locale. -Don't do that, man.

The women in Boston are pale this time of year

and they haven't lost their Winter fat.

Like spring snow, Boston women have their own particular benefits.

Nonsense! You come with me to California.

It's spring all the time there.

I have some business to do in the Los Angeles office.

We'll have time to prowl all we want, and we can write the whole thing off.

Denny, in all modesty,

my state of heat doesn't generally require me to prowl.

Women have a tendency to find me.

Well, let them find you in L.A.

Now don't be difficult. You know we're going.

We'll take the jet, grab a limo,

drop by Crane, Poole & Schmidt, Los Angeles, do a little business.

Then we'll check in to Chateau de Mer.

They have that luxury down bedding with the 500-thread cotton sheets.

Women love that high thread count.

As do I.

You mean, I've convinced you?

I do have a hankering for some strip mall sushi.

Yes, the thread count put me over. A few days.

I'll make some calls.

(theme music)

("Appreciate" by Plantlife playing)

♪ You look so good tonight ♪

♪ Baby, I can hardly wait ♪

♪ 'Cause I love your style Your look, you're flying ♪

♪ Baby, I love your shake, yeah ♪

♪ Watch your curl, watch your eyes, watch your legs, watch your thighs ♪

♪ Talk to me, my ♪

♪ Watch your love, watch your style, watch your smile ♪

♪ Appreciate, yeah ♪

♪ Appreciate, yeah ♪

I was doing research.

At a motel with a prostitute?

I promise you, I've done nothing licentious.

Me neither.

I was cultivating case studies,

conducting interviews with ladies of the eve

for my survey of Victorian sexual mores versus present-day.

-Me too. -(Shirley sighs)

Clifford.

Oh, my God. You don't believe me.

She was naked during the interview.

It looks suspicious.

It was a demonstration speech.

The art of seduction vis-a-vis clothing removal.

Just ask LaFonda.

Look, Clifford, it doesn't matter what I think.

You've got your story. You're sticking to it.

I will post bail.

-Shirley? -Yes?

Could you see about getting my shoelaces back?

Yeah.

(lively stinger playing)

Now the legal concepts of sufficiency of evidence

and weight of evidence are different.

A prime example is the Commonwealth

-versus Thompkins. -(phone rings)

Yes?

OPERATOR: Brad, Beth Guttman on line two.

Tell her I'm in a meeting. I'll call her right back.

OPERATOR: She said it was an emergency.

It's my sister. This will just take a minute.

Yeah, Beth. What's up?

What?

When?

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Okay, I'm on my way.

Don't let her say a thing until I get there.

(somber music playing)

(binder slaps shut)

(siren wailing)

(indistinct chatter)

-Brad. -Beth.

What happened?

Oh, Hannah was at this party.

Kids were… There were drugs. And this one boy…

(sobs) …died of an overdose.

(somber music intensifies)

(lively stinger playing)

Denny, you…

Good Lord.

-Does this make me look fat? -Yes. Wear heels.

(sighs) Don't do this.

You know you can't handle Los Angeles.

I'll be fine.

Every spring you take this little trip out west,

and then we spend every summer, fall and winter

trying to get the charges dropped.

If you're referring to the Vanna White incident,

there was contributory negligence on her part.

You groped her rear end during the whole buffet line

at a cocktail party.

How exactly was she negligent?

DENNY: Her tushy.

Legally, it's called an attractive nuisance.

Look, if you are sincerely concerned

about my dalliances in Los Angeles,

there's one way to prevent them.

Come with me. You know how I feel about you.

SHIRLEY: Hmm.

Your wetsuit's doing all the talking.

Bogey and Bacall had Paris.

You and I can have Los Angeles.

We can take the first flight out.

Denny, every year I threaten.

Every year I cajole.

All I have left is to plead.

If you care about me, don't make me plead.

Denny Crane does not make promises

but for you, I will try and be a good boy.

SHIRLEY: Thank you.

How did you get into that thing, anyway?

A lot of vaseline,

and Chuck in word processing helped.

Poor Chuck.

I hope he'll help me get out of it.

She doubled the client's money.

Denise was there, too.

I thought that was the case you settled at ten.

-Well… -You guys make a great team.

Every team needs a great closer.

Oh, and it really helps that one of you is funny,

-because funny helps with the clients. -Her?

-Thanks, guys. -Too bad you're both up for partner.

-Spring vote. -Always a lot harder.

-This place is so sexist. -Four spots.

There's no way they're gonna give two of them to women.

You guys should team up.

Whoever makes it this time can then vote for the other one next time.

I'm just gonna run in and grab a seat.

That's what you should do!

And then the other one can just buy you dinner or something.

(brisk stinger playing)

We won't know what the boy died of until after the autopsy.

More than likely a bad mix of prescription medication.

What are you talking about?

You ever heard of pharming parties?

No.

Not farming with an F but a P-H.

DET. JACOBS: It's what kids are doing as of late.

They go to their parents' medicine cabinets,

find the leftover prescriptions.

Pain medicines for backaches, sleeping pills,

even their own medications for ADD.

They take all these pharmaceuticals, get together,

trade them, mix them into various medication cocktails,

just to see what kind of fun can be had.

This poor kid more than likely got a bad mix.

Do you know about this?

First time hearing.

DET. JACOBS: The kids were smart enough to dump all the pills down the toilet.

But we found the prescription bottles, labels missing, in the trash out back.

Hannah would never be involved in anything like that.

She's already on an antidepressant.

She knows better than to mix it with anything.

Hannah's on antidepressants?

She's had clinical depression for two years.

She won't tell me anything. (sighs)

The other kids aren't talking, but the DA's not gonna let this one go.

Someone's going to jail.

I'll talk to her.

(door opens)

(door shuts)

-You cut your hair since Christmas. -Yeah.

(groans softly)

Well, we've got a long road ahead of us.

And I realize you're probably still in shock, but…

as you can see, we've got a little bit of a problem here.

Besides Ryan being dead?

No, I understand you lost a friend, Hannah.

But Ryan's parents also lost a son.

And they are not gonna stop, and nor should they,

until they find out exactly what happened last night.

And right now as we're talking,

all your other friends are with their attorneys

who are advising them to speak up.

And the first one to speak up is gonna make a deal with the District Attorney.

Everyone else is gonna take responsibility for the crime,

and someone is going to go to jail.

(suspenseful music playing)

Hannah, I know you're a good person.

I know you're a good friend.

But this is the one time you need to think of yourself first.

Um, the Strom trial doesn't begin until the fall,

so we can discuss that at a later date. Denise, what have you got?

DENISE: Uh, the Preitzler deposition starts Monday,

plus, I'm still negotiating on Friedman versus Langston,

and, oh, Paul needs help on MacCush and Wassen.

-Full load. -Very full.

Lots of billables, but I'm handling it.

Good. In that case…

I'm available.

Excellent, so you're with me on the Clifford Cabot case.

Okay, people, that does it. Thank you very much.

Marlene. You're typing with such intensity,

almost as though there was some imminent climax.

(exciting stinger playing)

She's on antidepressants.

I had no idea. I thought we were close. Suddenly we're ordinary people.

You're holiday close.

You get together for the biggies,

you know, Christmas, Easter, share some laughs, old stories.

And there's something really comforting about that.

But in-between the jokes, that's where stuff like…

"Hannah's got clinical depression" hang out.

I mean, how do you share something like that?

Plus, it's Hannah's private business.

Not anymore. It's like we've been strangers for years.

Do they know everything about you?

BETH: Brad?

Can I, um…

Hey, Beth.

They arrested her.

One of the kids talked.

He said it was all Hannah's fault, that she organized the whole party,

that she brought all the drugs.

I know that's not true.

-Where is she now? -Rick's arranging bail.

(upbeat stinger playing)

CLIFFORD: This is my world.

Welcome to it.

The current research from the top academics in my field

at the most prestigious universities in the country.

"Sex and love in the time of the booty call."

"Buzz off: A history of anti-vibrator legislation in the United States."

All legitimate papers, presented at the Yale Sex Week symposium last month.

You know, you have a way about you.

Anyhoo, the paper that I'm working on entitled

"Low as a ho: Privileging sexual purveyors and the fallacy of phallocentricism"

could only be made possible through field research,

which is what I was doing when accosted by the fuzz.

Clifford, I think you can understand

how the police might have mistaken your intentions

and let their imaginations get away from them.

And that's their problem.

Finally, our universities are making great strides in understanding

the human sexual condition.

Graphic sexuality has become ubiquitous in modern society.

It's irresponsible not to teach young people about it.

-These are for real. -You're kidding.

As whacked out as some of these things sound, no offense, Clifford,

they're all legitimate scholarly research articles.

Exactly. Research which required extensive interviews.

My cousin went to elementary school with the DA.

I think we've got enough here to go to him and get these charges dropped.

(quirky music playing)

I like her.

That's not how it happened! They're lying!

Then you have to tell the truth.

Now these kids are doing exactly what is expected of them.

They're acting in their own self-interest.

Hannah, you must understand, you could go to jail for this.

They are charging you with second-degree murder.

No.

(somber music playing)

No.

(Beth sighs)

(scoffs)

(giggling)

MARLENE: Casey?

Casey.

When you finish perusing,

please note that what our client had on his mind

was purely Q&A for research purposes only.

There was no intent to solicit.

Oh, no intent, huh?

(both men laugh)

You guys want to let us in on the joke?

We found that Professor Cabot, in doing his research,

was extremely thorough.

CASEY: Check it out.

CLIFFORD ON TV: Show me!

Show me the plight of the exploited sex worker.

-Oh, and show me your ass. -(LaFonda moans)

Oh, dear Lord.

Check it out. She's about to graduate magna cum laude.

CLIFFORD ON TV: Tell me your quim is quivering!

LaFONDA: What's a quim? (gasps)

Can you believe she didn't know what a quim was?

-Clifford. -I know, it's awful. Pure misery.

-What do we do? -Plead this out. Take your lumps.

I can't do that. My reputation is at stake.

If I plead guilty, there goes my entire academic career.

You should have thought of that before you hired Eliza Doolittle

to polish your knob.

Okay, Shirley. Yes, I'm guilty. Put me in shackles.

Let's not go there.

But I really did go to that motel for research.

Only this time, LaFonda looked so inviting.

CLIFFORD: Her smile told me everything was gonna be all right.

Then I got carried away.

Shirley, I'm mortified to admit this

but I hadn't been intimate with a woman for years.

My wife left me emotionally and sexually

long before we ever parted ways legally.

And loneliness, well, it isn't something you can just think your way out of.

Clifford, how many of these interviews have you done?

With this latest study, 11.

But this is the first time anything inappropriate has ever happened.

Ooh, maybe it's the third.

We're sunk.

(comical music playing)

(music halts)

(comical music resumes playing)

This will stop.

-What will stop? -You and your little games.

They're a distraction, and they will stop.

What do you suggest instead?

We're going to make love.

You're going to give me everything you've got.

We're going to get this out of our system.

It will be kept between the two of us, and then we will move on.

Sounds very organized.

Cut the nonsense. Are you in or not?

I am very much in.

However, I have some thoughts.

First, I am a bit old-fashioned.

When it comes to certain women, I prefer to do the stalking.

-You've got 24 hours. -I certainly won't be timed.

-I think you're vile. -That's a very good sign.

For some, it takes quite a while to reach that point.

(suggestive music playing)

But you seem very in touch with the worst that the world has to offer.

You've always been a very bad girl.

Now you're working up to awful

and you think I'm just the lucky lad to get you there.

You might just be right,

as long as it's messy,

and it hurts just a bit.

Just as soon as I return from Los Angeles.

(harsh stinger playing)

("Go-Go" by Evan Olson playing)

This has a familiar feel to it.

Oh, I forgot. You haven't been to this branch.

How are you? Denny Crane.

I'm a big believer in consistency.

Whether you kill someone in Boston, New York, Chicago…

Denny Crane.

…L.A., London, Tokyo, you'll feel right at home here.

Oh, my God.

So I'll messenger those contracts to you this afternoon.

COURTNEY: Perfect. Thank you.

-Ms. Reese. Denny Crane. -Hello.

I'm sorry, the Denny Crane. Crane, Poole & Sperm… Schmidt.

May I say that I have seen every single one of the episodes of Night Bay?

-Thank you. -(elevator dings)

And I wonder, how can they keep this thing going?

(both laugh)

But, you know, night swimmers need protection, too,

and drug smugglers thrive under the cloak of darkness.

-(chuckles softly) -And this is my colleague Alan Shore.

A pleasure, Miss…

Oh, he doesn't watch television.

I doubt he's even seen the sex tape your boyfriend filmed of you.

-I have to go now. -DENNY: Oh.

Bye-bye.

I love L.A.

Denny Crane, you son of a gun. How are you?

(mumbling) Good, good, good.

-Barry Goal. -Alan Shore. How do you do?

Senior partner, Crane, Poole & Schmidt, L.A.

-Barry Goal. -You said that.

Denny Crane west, almost.

Got it.

Barry Goal. (giggles)

(comical stinger playing)

Docket number 52893.

Commonwealth versus Hannah Guttman on a charge of second-degree murder.

-Great. -How do you plead?

-Not guilty, Your Honor. -JUDGE DALE: Bail?

The defense requests ROR.

BRAD: Hannah's parents can take responsibility for her.

The defendant is charged with second-degree murder.

-Bail… -That's way out of whack, Your Honor.

This case is involuntary manslaughter at its best.

You're gonna tell me how to file?

BRAD: She's overcharging, Your Honor, hoping we'll plead for manslaughter.

An innocent boy is dead, Your Honor. Forgive me for taking it seriously.

All right.

The defendant has no prior record.

I'm gonna release her into the custody of her parents.

JUDGE DALE: Conference with the clerk for scheduling.

TERESA: Hannah.

-You're not going to look at us? -BRAD: Let's go.

TERESA (yells): You killed our son. You're not going to even look at us?

(somber music playing)

DENNY: And did you take care of what we talked about?

Just as you requested.

All the amendments to your living will

have been incorporated per your specifications.

-We just need the proper signatures. -Excellent.

BARRY: And just so you know, we did a search,

and there's no place that will legally sanction euthanasia

by bullet to the brain.

Oh. Chest?

Sorry, the most you can hope for is a slow morphine drip

or counting on Alan here to pull your plug.

Excuse me?

Denny has amended his living will

to grant you power of attorney so you can enforce the DNR clause.

Just in case, uh… you know.

Since Cap Weinberger died, I need someone else to pull my plug.

You're up, Alan. I've got a slot open.

Hancock?

I'm sorry, Barry.

We'll have to take care of this another time.

(slow stinger playing)

We are so screwed on the Clifford Cabot case.

Really? Oh, I'm sorry.

And you were so eager to get on that one, too.

I know. (sighs)

I thought we had a real strong argument that his encounter with the crazy hooker

was just part of his crazy academic research,

but it turns out he videotaped the whole thing.

-He videotaped it? -Yeah.

And it's not one of those blurry night-vision videos.

This one is crystal clear.

But the important thing is, he filmed it.

He made a film.

A film which is protected under the First Amendment.

Ah, Denise!

("William Tell Overture, Finale" playing)

Paul, uh, I can't. Not now.

(grunts)

("William Tell Overture, Finale" continues playing)

Shirley, I had a thought.

-(elevator dings) -SHIRLEY: Ride with me.

Get out!

(Denise grunts)

(groans) No!

(grumbles) No!

-(Denise kicking) -(panting) And if he filmed it

for distribution to entertain an audience,

that's pornography, which is protected under the First Amendment.

-Good thinking. -(Denise knocking)

What is that pounding?

(inhales deeply)

This building has a lot of quirks. Haven't you noticed?

I hate her.

(slow music playing)

Great.

I need your help.

Hannah, this is Rachel Lewiston.

-Hi, Hannah. -Hi.

I'm just gonna be out there.

(Brad inhales deeply)

(door shuts)

Well, nothing awkward about this, is there?

I'm sorry, but why am I even talking to you?

Honestly, 'cause your uncle is a little lame.

Yeah, he thought I could help you,

but the only thing I can think to do is to tell you about Jenny Diner.

-Who? -She was a girl I met in rehab.

I was there recently.

Jenny's about your age. Angry as hell.

We got along great. (chuckles softly)

I mean, there were other addicts there who I had more in common with,

but Jenny and I, um…

Well, we really understood each other.

I, uh…

I mentioned it to one of the counselors one day.

He said he wasn't surprised.

They've done studies that show

that drug and alcohol abuse stunts your emotional growth.

Whatever age you start abusing, that's the age you are emotionally.

So even though I'm pushing the big 4-0,

and I'm raising a three-year-old, in many ways, I'm still 16,

which is why my father's stare can still make me feel two feet tall.

And why my best friend and confidant in rehab

was a 16-year-old hooked on heroin.

I don't do drugs.

Hannah…

I just want to tell you

the one thing I learned the really, really hard way,

and that is you have to own your crap.

What you do, what you say, who you hurt,

you have to own all of it.

And if you don't want to be stuck here at age 16 for the rest of your life,

you're gonna have to tell people what happened.

(pensive music playing)

Your Honor, the defense's motion to dismiss is absurd.

We have a videotape which clearly shows that the defendant was caught fully…

in the commission of the illegal act.

It used to be called in flagrante delicto,

but people don't speak as colorfully anymore.

It's a damn shame, too.

Ms. Stanger.

Professor Cabot was indeed in that motel room.

He did purchase the services of LaFonda Raymond

and he did set up his camera and make a videotape.

And that is why these charges should be dismissed.

I'm not following you, Ms. Stanger.

Your Honor, professor Cabot was not engaged in an act of prostitution.

He was, in fact, making a pornographic movie,

and as a result, everything he did is protected under the First Amendment.

Oh, come on.

Your Honor, Professor Cabot is a distinguished professor

and budding director. But unlike many other first-time

-independent filmmakers… -Please!

Professor Cabot comes to his subject after years of study and research,

which will only serve to broaden and deepen

the potential impact of his cinematic creation.

Wow. (chuckles)

I hope you can see through this ridiculous smokescreen.

It doesn't matter if the defendant is a professor or a bog worker.

It doesn't matter if he had ten cameras rolling the whole time.

The fact is, he paid to have sex with a prostitute

and that's against the law.

Your Honor, I have a witness who will prove my argument.

Mr. Craven, have you had a chance to look at the film made by professor Cabot?

Yes.

In your expert opinion as a filmmaker, what is Professor Cabot doing in the film?

Well, he's acting, he's directing the action,

and, of course, he's screwing.

-MARLENE: As part of his performance? -WES: Yes.

So we have acting, directing, cinematography…

If you include his humming, he's doing the score.

MARLENE: We're talking about a film here, aren't we?

Oh, yes.

Now I think we would all agree that this isn't a particularly good film.

-Oh, boy. -MARLENE: But let me ask you this.

Is this film, a film produced and directed by Professor Cabot,

starring himself and LaFonda…

is it the worst film you've ever seen?

No, not by a long shot.

(slow stinger playing)

(door shuts)

It was just stuff from the drug store,

prescriptions.

It was safe.

No. Not for Ryan.

Everybody's on something.

I have friends who have to take a pill to wake up in the morning,

to go to sleep, to study.

I need to take something to calm down before a test.

Hannah, I'm not here to judge.

Yes, you are.

Everyone is.

They're trying to pin this whole thing on me.

And I didn't organize the party.

And I didn't bring all the drugs.

Okay.

But, um…

I gave Ryan the meds that killed him.

(sobbing) I was just trying to make him better.

You need to explain this to me.

I can't. You don't know what it's like to be depressed.

Sure, I do.

HANNAH: No, you don't.

Real depression affects you physically.

You literally can't get out of bed.

There's a weight pressing down on you all the time.

You don't care if you eat, if you stink.

It's all too much.

(sniffles)

And Ryan had it.

I told him to talk to his parents.

They told him to study harder and play sports after school.

Ryan was drowning, and they couldn't see it.

(somber music playing)

The night of the party,

I swear, I gave Ryan the exact dose that I was taking.

He must have, you know, had something first, or he was drinking,

or I don't know, he was allergic, but he wasn't supposed to die, though!

(weeping) He wasn't supposed to die.

He wasn't supposed to.

(sobbing)

PAUL: So it's true?

Wes Craven was your ace in the hole?

Paul, she was brilliant.

I know we're not supposed to say clients are guilty

but this guy was guilty, and she got him off.

Oh. (giggles)

I'll see you guys.

Marlene, tell me more.

Shirley, I realize there's no way that I can say this without sounding petty,

but that whole pornography-slash- First Amendment rights thing, that was…

-my idea. -(laughs)

Yeah, it sounds like you, but, Denise…

(whispers) …she got to the elevator first.

("Where It's At" by Beck playing)

(reporters chattering)

(crowd cheering)

DENNY: Denny Crane.

Denny Crane.

I sometimes forget that you're famous.

I'm well-known.

REPORTERS: Courtney!

What a small world.

DENNY: And what big…

You knew she'd be here.

It's her favorite restaurant.

DENNY: My God, they're beautiful.

MAN: Courtney!

-WOMAN: Hey! -DENNY: Hey, hey, hey.

Knock it off. Give her some space!

DENNY: What's the matter with you?

Hey, hey.

(tranquil music playing in background)

She's magnificent.

Ever see the show she hosts?

It's called The Phoenix.

Is it about mythology?

Oh, yeah, people would watch that.

No! It's a reality show.

They take these wrecked broads and make them look, uh, pretty.

She could at least have shared a drink with me.

Why should she? You stalked her.

I did not stalk her.

You found out where she eats. You showed up. That's stalking.

All right. Why are you still miffed at me?

I'm not miffed, Denny.

You're miffed enough to ruin my meal.

I thought being my plug-puller would be an honor.

It is. And I'm not saying I don't want to be the one to pull your plug.

I just felt the way the whole package was presented to me was wrong.

I just told you to sign my document.

Exactly. With something as monumental as that,

you don't just push a piece of paper in one's face.

You discuss it first.

We've discussed it plenty of times. You said you would shoot me.

There's a difference between talking about it and signing a legal document.

You're a fricking lawyer for God's sake. That's what you do!

With others, yes. When it comes to my personal life,

I don't actually sign contracts at the drop of a hat.

When I say I'll do something, I do it, regardless of a piece of paper.

And I expect people to hold me to my word.

What's the matter with you?

People don't do that anymore.

And you certainly can't expect the hospital to acknowledge your word.

In this case, I can see that.

(sighs deeply)

Well, are you gonna sign the damn thing or not?

(sighs exasperatedly)

Okay.

I apologize.

How about I ask you properly?

Okay.

Would you do me the honor of killing me?

I will.

(bright stinger playing)

Waiter. Champagne.

(slow stinger playing)

-This is just a nightmare. -BRAD: It is, but…

we've got a case.

(sighs relievedly) Thank God.

Hannah had a very compelling motive for giving Ryan those pills

and I'm almost positive that I can plead out.

-She told you she gave him the pills? -Yes.

And I believe that she was trying to help him

and I think she can convince the DA, too.

Well, if she pleads guilty, will she get probation?

No.

It's…

She's probably gonna have to do some time in a juvenile facility.

Maybe a year.

No, it would kill her, Brad.

She's a sick girl!

I'll get the best deal that I can,

but I'm certain it's gonna involve some jail time.

A kid died, Beth!

What if she says she didn't do it?

But she did it.

Yeah, well, there were a lot of other kids at that party.

That… that one, Jason has a prior drug conviction.

What if Hannah just keeps her mouth shut?

Beth, what are you asking me to do?

I'm asking you to do what's best for your niece!

What's best for her is, to tell the truth

and get this behind her and to get on with her life.

No, what's best is to keep her out of jail.

I'm not gonna pin this on some other kid when I know that Hannah did it.

(tense music playing)

Then I'm getting another lawyer.

(percussive music playing)

Hi, Denise.

Marlene.

You know, those girls were right.

We really do make a pretty good team.

I like the way we bounce ideas off each other.

Well, you know what they say, Marlene.

You can't beat an idea whose time has come, and, Marlene,

your time is coming.

(quirky stinger playing)

HANNAH: Does my mom know we're having this conversation?

Hannah, your mother…

she likes perfect endings.

(scoffs) Tell me about it.

There's no perfect ending here.

There's a lousy one,

where a kid is dead, you're held accountable,

you end up serving six months, possibly a year in jail.

Then there's a catastrophic one,

where a kid is dead, you try to avoid being held accountable.

You roll the dice. You go to trial. You lose.

You end up serving three years, possibly more.

Now this perfect life that your mother was so determined for you to have,

that's off the table.

She's not seeing clearly on this.

And you are?

I know the law…

and I know your mom.

Yes, I'm the one you should be listening to right now.

Six months?

Juvenile, minimum security.

I may even be able to do better, but you gotta trust me.

Okay, this is going to look like I am completely kissing your ass, and I am,

but look what I actually found in the cold aisle at the grocery store.

Schmidt beer.

Well, would you look at that?

(chuckles)

(percussive music playing)

(inaudible speech)

(sneaky music playing)

(objects clatter)

(both breathing heavily)

(Denise moans)

-Oh! -Oh!

(both sigh)

You know I'm good.

You're very good.

I spent nine years working my tail off to make partner.

In three minutes she comes in and tries to take my spot.

Marlene?

Squid.

Ruthless, horrible sea creature.

It's so unfair when people like that win.

So don't let her.

Right.

DENISE: Hmm.

-What? -You just kind of…

broke it for me.

(groans)

-Sorry. -No, it's not your fault.

It's this thing with my niece.

(scoffs) We're friends with benefits.

This is supposed to be our break from all those hassles.

I just can't let it go.

Maybe it would help if you didn't think about it personally.

You know, if you thought about it like an attorney.

Okay.

Brad, nothing excites you as much as the law.

(giggles) I know.

(chuckles) So imagine yourself

standing tall in front of the jury box…

adrenaline pumping, juices flowing,

the judge up there with his gavel,

banging,

banging,

banging.

-Oh, yeah. -Yeah.

(upbeat music)

(Denise moans softly)

I bet Marlene isn't getting laid right now.

(Brad sighs)

DENNY: Alan, I want you to know,

when we get back to Boston, first thing I'm gonna do

is sign your living will, be your plug-puller.

-You don't have to do that, Denny. -DENNY: I want to do that.

It meant a great deal to me

when you agreed to give me the… the big send-off.

It was a great show of affection, of love.

You showed me yours. Now I want to show you mine.

I certainly appreciate that,

but the fact is my living will, as it were, is taken care of.

Well, we'll amend it.

-There's really no need. -I want to.

-You don't have to. -But I want to.

-It's fine. -It's not.

I'm telling you it is.

I'm telling you it's not.

What are we talking about?

-My living will. -DENNY: Right.

So first thing we get back,

I sign on as your plug-puller. Cased closed.

No!

Is there something you're not telling me?

Is there somebody else?

No, it's just I've made my arrangements.

It's not a particularly pleasant subject to revisit,

so I'm going to preserve the status quo.

You don't trust me.

I'd trust you.

DENNY: Not with this.

Not with your life. Waiter, bring him the check.

Denny…

The trouble with you is your brain is so clogged up with big words,

you don't have room for the stuff that's really important.

Trust in a friendship is a two-way street, or there's no friendship.

A real friendship doesn't include one person being positively giddy

over the prospect of pulling the plug on the other.

-I'm not giddy! -ALAN: You are.

I think part of you really wants to be the guy who kills me.

(distant gunshot)

(distant clamoring)

(people murmuring)

(ominous music playing)

I just shot someone.

MAN 1: It's over here.

-MAN 2: It's Courtney. -MAN 1: Hey!

-Denny Crane. -WOMAN: What happened?

Everything's gonna be all right.

MAN 3: Courtney, did you see what happened?

-DENNY: Denny Crane. -MAN 1: Courtney, are you all right?

DENNY: Call 911.

-Denny Crane. -MAN 4: Crane, what's going on?

DENNY: Who is that? Get out of the way.

-Denny Crane. -MAN 5: Sir, sir, who are you?

(reporters clamoring)

(dramatic music playing)

-MAN 6: Is he dead? -MAN 7: No, he's still breathing.

(reporters clamoring)

MAN 8: Who are you?

(reporters clamoring)

(theme music playing)