All language subtitles for Boston.Legal.S02E24.2005.Disney+.WEB-DL.1080p.H264.DDP-HDCTV_track6_[eng]

PAUL: Previously on Boston Legal…

You know why she dumped me?
Because I'm a lousy kisser.

Maybe you could use some…

-pointers.
-We had sex.

Yes.

Mr. Mkeba was only attacking Armus
in revenge.

-ALAN: Jerry…
-My first trial and I blew it!

I've never been involved in a case
that was going as badly as this one.

So what do we do?

You could run.

Do you have any evidence
that Mr. Shore is hiding Mr. Mkeba?

-Not yet.
-Sorry I'm late, good people.

Edwin.

DENNY: Everything all right?

EDWIN: Hunky-dory.

Hunky-dory.

(upbeat stinger playing)

Did he escape?

He did not. He was released.

Are we to assume that he's recovered?

We are.

Gentle, soothing tones,
no sudden movements.

We don't want to startle him.

Bonjour, mes amis.

Edwin Poole is back.

Edwin, welcome back.

Shirley.

-Edwin.
-Paul.

Edwin.

Brad.
(laughs)

-I'm glad to see you're…
-Well?

Well, yes.

Shirley, this is for you.

-What is it?
-It's a signed, certified letter

from New Beginnings stating
that I am 100% mentally healthy.

-How lovely. You had it framed.
-Mm-hmm.

That would make you the only certifiably
sane person here.

(Edwin laughs)

Oh, my God!

-Edwin Poole.
-Denny Crane.

-Name on the door.
-Mine, too.

-Crane…
-Poole and…

-Schmidt.
-(Edwin laughs)

Man, you look great.

-DENNY: Still mental?
-EDWIN: Over it.

-You?
-Never. Mad cow.

-Denny Crane.
-EDWIN: Edwin Poole.

-Crane…
-Poole and…

-Schmidt.
-(Edwin giggles)

Take a picture.

(camera shutter clicks)

(theme music)

So, Edwin,
is the plan to come back full-time?

Big-time.

I'm coming back big-time.

Ah.

Shirley…

I must admit,

during my many long nights
at the laughing academy,

as I lay in bed in want…

Oh, yeah.

It helped to think of all those times
you and I were…

-carnal.
-We were never carnal.

But it helped to think of it
just the same.

-Edwin.
-I would… Yeah?

It's important
to take things slow at first.

No worries.

It's not lost on me how the world
is moving too fast these days.

Everyone on their PDAs, their cell phones.

Competition. Overworked. Underpaid.

Running, running, running.

I was just the first one to react
to the artificial way we're living.

The canary in the coal mine.
The sensitive one.

(knocking on door)

SHIRLEY: Um, this is Phil Mickle.

-He's here to hook up your computer.
-EDWIN: Good God.

Will you look at the size of that?

(Edwin chuckles)

SHIRLEY: Phil, you remember Edwin.

The sensitive one.

(ominous rock music playing)

(indistinct radio chatter)

(sighs)
Okay, look. I paid my taxes.

So whatever this is about,
I did not do it.

We're looking for Alan Shore, please.

Huh.

Alan! Men with guns. Again.

It wasn't me.

-What's going on?
-Alan Shore?

-It depends.
-You're under arrest.

ALAN: Arrest for what?

Aiding and abetting a fugitive,
obstruction of justice,

and conspiracy
to aid a defendant to avoid prosecution.

You just described anyone
who's ever given money to Tom DeLay.

Oh, please put your hands
behind your back.

Do I have to?
It makes me feel so pretentious.

Alan, please don't joke. They don't…
(chuckles)

…look funny.

-You have the right to remain silent.
-Must you? I'll waive reading.

(comical stinger playing)

I-I'll get you a lawyer.

(employees murmuring)

(upbeat stinger playing)

Evidently, he advised a client
to flee the country.

Told him to go where?

Nimmo bay.

The arraignment's at 10:00.

-Which I'll handle.
-Which you won't.

He asked for me, Shirley.

We better call the managing partners
and present this to them

before they hear it on the news.

BRAD: It doesn't make sense.

I don't date men at the office.

-Stupid.
-Well, just the same.

Look, in order for relations to be
as compatible as they were,

-two people…
-Okay, let me just stop you right there.

Any man that I would be with,

he would use the word "sex."

He would never say "relations,"

and certainly not to describe what we did.

Come on, Brad.
We were like a couple of wild apes.

Exactly.

And if you're so quick
to measure a man by a kiss,

why not attach a little bit of weight
to his ability to intercourse?

EDWIN: I don't want to sue.

Stop making it about you. I need to sue.

I need to make money for this firm.
For that, I need a victim.

-But I'm not a victim.
-Of course, you are, Paul.

-Phil.
-You're gigantic.

Something has gone amiss here.

People simply do not grow this large.

For god's sake,
you need to blame somebody.

This is America.

(comical stinger playing)

42444, the Commonwealth vs. Alan Shore.

-Aiding and abetting…
-ALAN: Waive reading, judge.

The charges depress me.

Douglas Kupfer representing
the Commonwealth, Your Honor.

Well, well, well. Now it all makes sense.

Denny Crane for the defense.

Glad to be back, judge.

What's going on here?

Last week, he was in here defending you.

Yes, Judge. He gets me off, I get him off.

-We're flamingos.
-Don't ask, don't tell.

-Silence.
-Your Honor, they've already started

making a farce out of this matter.

You made the farce
by bringing the charges.

Silence. Mr. Shore, you are the defendant.

I don't want to hear
another poop out of you.

How do you plead?

Not guilty by reason
of the District Attorney's insanity.

JUDGE ROBERT: All right, then.

We'll schedule… That's not a real plea.

Not guilty, then.

-Do you wish a trial?
-If it's not too much trouble. Speedy.

The Commonwealth stands ready, Your Honor.

-Bail?
-I ask to be released

on my own recognizance.

I assure you I will not flee.

No objection.

JUDGE ROBERT: Fine. ROR is granted.

We'll resume at ten o'clock tomorrow.
Adjourned.

-This is a happy day.
-KUPFER: Yes.

People like you always
bring themselves down, Mr. Shore.

And just in case we don't, we've got you.

(comical stinger playing)

You're a diabetic?

-Yeah.
-So you are a victim.

We can sue.

Brother.

Congratulations. You have a real disease.

We'll file in the morning.
This is wonderful, Phil.

I'm gonna make you a very rich man.

Edwin, you can't sue a disease.

But he has it, Shirley.

The man's a diabetic. I mean…

But you cannot file a lawsuit
against diabetes.

-That's a disease.
-It's not…

But there are foundations, okay?

What about
the American Diabetes Association?

That's a deep pocket. We go after them!

The American Diabetes Association
is trying to cure it. They don't cause it.

So they'll settle out of court. Trust me.
They all pay to avoid a trial.

Edwin, you seemed less crazy
with your pants down.

Thank you.

I don't think you're ready
to resume the practice of law.

What do you mean?

(upbeat stinger playing)

ALAN: I have no defense, Denny.
I broke the law.

-So?
-So usually in these situations,

I go with jury nullification,

persuade the jury to focus
on the moral, not the legal.

But here, it makes no difference.

What I did was unethical,
immoral, illegal.

You're being so negative.

I need you to close.

-What do you mean?
-I'll try the case, but at the end,

I need somebody else to stand
before the jury and say, "Let the man go."

And you want me to do that?

There was a day when all you had to do
was say your name.

That's still all I do.

Denny, I find in life,
and I know you must,

that craft doesn't matter so much
if one is a big enough star.

You've spent your entire life getting away
with who and what you are

because you're a star.

Big star.
I blow solar flares out of my ass.

I need your star power here.

I need you stand up before that jury
when we're done, and tell them,

"Let Alan Shore go."

Really?

I have a gut feeling it's my best shot.

(pensive music playing)

Let him go.

Denny Crane.

I'll do it.

(upbeat stinger playing)

(rock stinger playing)

MKEBA: They have offered me two years
if I testify against you.

-Two years for attempted murder?
-Yes.

DENNY: And you took it?

I have a family.

Alan…

I am so sorry.

DENNY: That's all right, son.

You look at me.

-We know where your family lives.
-ALAN: Denny.

Mr. Mkeba, you'd be insane
not to take that deal.

All I can say to you is that
if you plan to tell the truth,

which I think you should,
please tell it exactly.

Try not to misquote me.

-Because we know where your…
-ALAN: Denny.

Well, I guess we'll see you in court.

I'm sorry.

(calm music playing)

You should've let me break him.

You were breaking me.

-Alan.
-Jerry.

JERRY: I'm so sorry.

Don't tell me you've turned quisling.

It's all my fault.

If I hadn't screwed up the case,
you never would've advised him to flee.

I feel so terribly responsible.

Jerry, I made the decision to do
what I did here.

As such, I take full responsibility.

Good God, man. Nobody does that.

I have done it. I have cracked the case.

I'll assume, for the sake of argument,
one cannot sue diabetes.

-Thank you.
-Better to sue the cause of the disease,

the proximate cause.

Now there's lawyer talk.

Thank you.
So I sat down with Pete last night.

-Phil.
-Right.

And I went over his diet, going way back
to when he was a child.

Together, we dissected
his eating habits, which…

(chuckles)
So I think we found it.

We found the cause of his diabetes.

(indistinct chatter)

High-fructose corn syrup.

-We're filing today.
-You're suing corn syrup.

Yes, the makers of it.

Do the makers of corn syrup
market directly to the public?

Well, no. But I-I-I don't see how…

All right.

-DENISE: You're a partner.
-You're a hypocrite.

You lecture me on not being able
to express my feelings.

Meanwhile, you keep yours bottled up

-like one of Denny's kidney stones.
-(groans)

Ah! You're touching me. That's battery.

We had sex.

(whimsical music playing)

Happy?

-I said the word.
-Oh.

I am 34 years old.

When I meet a man, I think long-term.

Is he potentially
the father of my children? You're not.

Every now and again,
I'll think, what the hell.

Have some fun in the short-term.

But not with somebody from the office.

Too messy.

Too complicated.

We should know better.

He never told me he advised
Mr. Mkeba to flee the jurisdiction.

-He did not. He did not!
-KUPFER: Okay, okay.

Well, after Mr. Mkeba did flee,
did the defendant indicate to you

in any other way that he might have
proffered this advice?

No. No, no, no.

Well, then can you tell us, Mr. Espenson,
why, after Mr. Shore was arrested,

did you come racing to me

to say it was all your fault
that Mr. Shore told the client to run?

What I said was,
if Mr. Shore gave such advice,

and I have no knowledge that he did,

it was my fault since I had so totally
screwed up Mr. Mkeba's trial,

leaving him no option but to run.

Mr. Espenson, do you typically take
responsibility for what others do

even when you think they haven't done it?

Nothing further.

(slow music playing)

Denny, not now. The closing.

No questions.

The truth is, we could sue
the soft drink manufacturers.

And the wheat and corn growers.

And the makers
of all those sugary cereals.

We could even, perhaps,
sue the federal government

for not regulating these foods…

-Did you know about this?
-Of course not.

We need to contact his doctor.
find out what the hell is going on.

…start with L'il Jimmey's Yum Dingers
because this is what Bob…

-Phil.
-Phil Mickle grew up

eating more than anything else.

-My client has been…
-He's suing a snack cake?

…consuming three packages
of these delicious treats

every day of his life
since he was five years old.

And we are going to prove
that they are as deadly as cigarettes.

Did you see that turnout?
It'll be on every network news tonight.

Edwin Poole is back.

You know what?
It's a niche, Shirley. I can feel it.

I'm gonna be the lawyer
who brings down big sugar.

-Edwin.
-Yeah?

-Have a seat.
-Okay.

Ah.

-Edwin.
-Hmm?

You just sued the Lillian Corporation.

And it feels good.

You called their snack cakes poison,
deadlier than cigarettes.

-I stand behind it.
-They could sue you, Edwin.

(clicks tongue)

-And us.
-Oh, stop it.

Don't be silly. I have qualified immunity.

Only for what you say in court.

That immunity does not extend
to press conferences, Edwin.

You just accused the world's largest
vertically integrated conglomerate

of selling poison.

And you did it in your capacity
as a lawyer of this law firm!

(quirky stinger playing)

(upbeat stringer playing)

They brought a motion to dismiss,
and they've counterclaimed for defamation.

Now we're the target.

They didn't waste any time.

They're also deposing Phil this morning.

What about notice?

I waived it in the hopes of getting them
in the room today.

If we agree to dismiss Phil's claim,

maybe I can get them
to drop the suit against us

and this whole thing will go away.

Now how do we get Edwin to go away?

Let's just deal with this case first,
then we'll turn to Edwin.

(files thud)

(groans exasperatedly)

Mr. Shore informed me

that we would lose the trial,
and that I would be convicted.

-Of attempted murder?
-Yes.

What else did Mr. Shore say, Mr. Mkeba?

MKEBA: He told me that perhaps my only
option at avoiding prison was to run,

but as a member of the Bar,
he could not advise me to do so.

Now you interpreted
Mr. Shore's statement to mean

that you should flee the jurisdiction?

-Objection. Leading.
-Sustained.

How did you interpret
Mr. Shore's statement?

And I would remind you, sir,
you are under oath.

I guess I felt that
if he were in my shoes, he would run.

But as a lawyer, he was not allowed
to advise me to do so.

Yes, and as a result of this communication
with Mr. Shore, what did you do?

-I fled to Canada.
-You were captured and brought back?

Yes.

Thank you, sir.

Denny, not until the close.

So, Mr. Mkeba, as I understand it,

I specifically told you
I could not advise you to run?

That's correct.

Nothing further.

Mr. Kupfer?

The prosecution rests, Your Honor.

The witness is excused.

Your Honor, at this time,

the defense moves
for a directed verdict of not guilty.

The prosecution has failed to make a case.

Denied.

Fine. Then we'd like to call
our first witness.

Ladies and gentlemen,
A.D.A. Douglas Kupfer.

You can't call him.

It's not unprecedented, Your Honor,
especially when defense goes to bias.

The only reason I'm on trial…

-Objection.
-Sustained.

Mr. Shore, the court instructed
you not to poop.

Sidebar, judge.

The only reason I'm on trial is him.

I should be allowed
to cross-examine him on motive.

My courtroom will not be turned
into a sideshow.

-I told you…
-Your Honor, I have no problem testifying.

In fact, since Mr. Shore rang
the bias bell in front of the jury,

I'd appreciate the chance
to refute the attack.

It is highly unorthodox…

Yes, but as Mr. Shore pointed out,
not unprecedented.

Your Honor, let's just do this.

Let the, uh, defendant take his shot.

Uh…

I think if we agree to withdraw the case

now before generating
massive attorney fees…

It's a little late to be singing

"Let's call the whole thing off,"
Ms. Schmidt.

Your colleague declared us to be poison
manufacturers to the whole world.

SHIRLEY: Which he regrets.

I do. It was all my idea.

Yes, well, if only contrition
could make us whole.

We have assembled
to conduct Mr. Mickle's deposition.

You waived notice. I see…

Look, if this goes forward, it will only
bring more publicity to an idea that…

Mr. Mickle is not
the first overweight person

to pin the responsibility
for his obesity on us.

We look at it as test case.

Now, should we proceed
with the deposition,

or should we take a break for a snack?

(Edwin laughs)

(coughs)

(comical stinger playing)

Let's dismiss and then pay court costs.

I don't want to settle.

Phil, if they go after you for defamation…

They already are!

The fight is on.

(upbeat stinger playing)

So how would you describe me
to your friends?

I'm curious.

I really don't see
what difference that would make.

-I'd like to know.
-Brad.

-I'd like to know, please.
-Okay. Well, um…

I guess I would describe you as, uh…

Buzz Lightyear.

You think I'm Buzz Lightyear?

You're very military.

Brad, my idea of how to wind down after
a tough day is to pour a glass of wine,

light a candle and get into a hot
bubble bath with my partner.

Can you ever see yourself doing that?

Well, it's just alcohol
and extreme temperatures.

We're complete opposites.

You know that. Come on.

You haven't the slightest idea
of who I am.

(pensive stinger playing)

PHIL: I'm not saying I got fat
only because of L'il Jimmey's.

I ate the bad cereals, soda pops,
brownies, cookies.

I've had a sweet tooth since I was two.

Yes, but L'il Jimmey's
is the only one that you're suing.

Well, I was addicted to them.

You know, whenever I had a sugar low
or I was feeling depressed, I'd eat…

I'd eat a box of them.

And that's what caused your diabetes?

-She's a skinny.
-Phil.

No, I-I know the way
skinnies think of fat people.

And diabetics, like lung cancer victims
and smokers,

"We did it to ourselves," right?

Well, I didn't eat three boxes a day.

VIVIAN: Did you read the labels
on those boxes, Mr. Mickle?

Did you see the calorie count?
Were you able to perform basic math?

-I was addicted, Thin Mint.
-All right.

Let the record reflect
that he called me food.

-A cookie, no less.
-Ms. Marino, you've been rude.

And I might also point out
that we are not the first people

to connect junk food with diabetes.

Did a medical professional
ever connect your diabetes,

specifically,
to L'il Jimmey's snack cakes?

Well, my doctor said
my intake of sugar was too high and…

But did he connect specifically
your diabetes…

Yes! He knew I was eating box
after box of L'il Jimmey's,

and he told me to stop,
but I was addicted.

Did he use the word "addicted,"
or is that yours?

-It's mine.
-Did he ever say, "Eat less"?

Objection! Rudeness.

What? You can answer.

And when you claim
our product poisoned you,

do you have any evidence of that?

Do you talk dismissive like that
to everybody, or just me?

I wasn't in a dismissive mood

when you tried to wiggle out
of this lawsuit, was I?

You know what, Vivian?
You're starting to piss me off.

(scoffs)
Your client sued us.

What'd you think, I was gonna come in here
all sugar and spice?

Oh, perhaps you would've liked that.

Consider my willingness
to drop this case revoked,

you skinny little bitch!

(quirky stinger playing)

You were wonderful, Shirley.
No, I'm serious. You were brilliant.

My God, it was… What's the word? You, uh…

Escalated a situation
I was hoping to quash?

That's it.

-Edwin.
-Yo!

Do you have any medical
or scientific research

to back the claims laid out
in your complaint?

Not a shred.
But we're just getting started.

We'll do that research, you and I, burning
the midnight oil like the old days, huh?

You may not get an opportunity
to do research

if the claim is dismissed tomorrow, which,
at the moment, seems extremely likely.

Tosh.

Edwin, have you prepared anything
for the hearing?

Not a thing.

(sighs)
Okay, then, I'll…

I'll have to prepare something myself.

-Yes!
-Uh… and, Edwin.

EDWIN: Hmm?

I'll need you to leave me alone
so that I can concentrate.

Yes.

-And Edwin?
-Hmm?

What I really need
is for you not to sue anyone else.

Yes.
(chuckles)

You can do it, Shirley. I know you can.

Thank you.

You're thinking.

There was a day I used to do that.

I'm thinking this may be a mistake,
putting Kupfer on the stand.

It gives him the opportunity
to put prior bad acts in evidence,

which is obviously
why he so readily agreed.

If he does that,
he gives you grounds for a mistrial.

Not if I've opened the door.

I've gotta be very careful, Denny.

I could end up sinking myself here,

which I have a feeling
he knows all too well.

Maybe we should just rest.

-His case is thin.
-But possibly enough.

And if I lose, never mind jail.

These are felony charges.
My law career would be over.

That never used to bother me.

Well, it bothers you because as you
get older, your priorities change.

You begin to realize…

What really matters…
(sighs)

…money.

I've never seen you look so nervous.

Well, except for the night terrors,
and the clowns,

and the girl, and the word salad.

I've never kidded myself.
I've always known how it would end for me.

I'm just not ready for it yet.

But what you keep forgetting…

is at the end of the day,
you always have me.

(bright stinger playing)

(upbeat stinger playing)

I'm into rock climbing,
competitive biking.

I want a woman who can keep up with me
both physically as well as intellectually

and who is also incredibly hot.

That's who I am.

I've given it some thought
and you're right.

There's no romantic future between us.

I value our friendship.
I don't want to screw that up.

So if you're okay with going back
to the way things were, so am I.

-Just friends?
-Just friends.

Conspiracy to aid a defendant
to avoid prosecution.

Isn't that a defense lawyer's job?

Within the bounds of the law.

Okay, but certainly,
if I were to advise a client,

"Do not tell the police the truth,"
that would be okay?

But if you advised him to lie,
it would not.

And you took it a step further.

You advised your client to jump bail,
to flee the jurisdiction.

No, I told him it was his only option.

-Same thing.
-No, but come on.

If the client comes to me and says,
"Gee, as I look at things,

it seems my only real shot
at avoiding prison is to run,"

and it happens to be true,

I have a legal obligation
to lie to my client, to disagree?

-No, but…
-ALAN: And yet if I agree,

I've committed a crime?

If that agreement can be construed
as advising him to flee,

yes, it's a crime.

And by the way,

your client didn't come to you
and lay it all out.

You laid it out to him,
which crosses the line.

I expressly told him
I was not allowed to advise him to flee.

While conveying to him all the while that
that is exactly what he should do.

But I'm a kidder. You know that.

I offered you $10,000 to drop this,
did I not?

Yes, as either a transparent attempt
to entrap me

or a demented plan to have me recused.

The point is,
you didn't take me seriously.

But you claim I was serious
with Mr. Mkeba.

You seem to know this
beyond all reasonable doubt, in fact,

-which given you weren't even there…
-Do you think that you're fooling anybody?

Do you, Mr. Kupfer?
This is a personal grudge.

No, it isn't. However much…

It's becoming jibber-jabber.

Did you not say in Judge Thompson's
courtroom two weeks ago

-that you would like to see me suffer?
-KUPFER: No.

You said your only fear
was that someone would stab me

before you would get the chance
to take me down.

Is it your testimony to this jury
that you do not hold a grudge against me?

It's my testimony that
that grudge is not in play.

-It's not in play?
-No, it is not.

Admittedly, I do not like you.

-It makes me happy to be prosecuting you…
-You despise me.

All right.

Tell us why.

(Kupfer sighs exasperatedly)

Oh, you would love for me to tell you why.

That would be grounds for a mistrial. No.

My grudge makes this prosecution
a little more thrilling,

but you're on trial
because you broke the law.

-Objection. Calls for a legal ruling.
-Sustained.

You advised a client accused of attempted
murder to flee. That's a crime.

-Objection.
-Sustained.

Perhaps you'd like to take the stand now.

Put your character in issue.

My client trusted me to tell him
the truth, which trust I honored.

That's my character, Mr. Kupfer.

(scoffs)

(suspenseful stinger playing)

Well, they calendared the meeting
for later on this afternoon.

No, I know it's bogus.

But I could be there in about a half-hour.

I love it when he goes to court.

(whimsical music playing)

(gasps)

No doctor or medical professional
has ever linked his diabetes

to L'il Jimmey's snack cakes.

And even if they could, so what?

All the information Mr. Mickle needed

to make his informed dietary decision
was right there on the label.

My God, when are people going
to start taking responsibility?

This man snorted down three boxes a day,

not to mention the soft drinks
and the potato chips.

The only exercise he got was reaching
for the cookie jar.

And he wants to blame us?

Then what? We outlaw desserts altogether.

We criminalize the cupcake
because people cannot be expected

to eat in moderation.

It's ridiculous.

Mr. Mickle wants to be able
to snack and sue.

He wants to have his cake and eat it, too,
and enough is enough.

That's one word this plaintiff
can't seem to appreciate.

"Enough."

"Yellow dye tartrazine,"
which is a coal tar derivative.

"Blue dye triphenylmethane,"
which is a petroleum-based product.

"Red dye carminic acid,"

which is derived from the carcasses
of the cochineal beetle…

I'm sorry.
Did you say the cochineal beetle?

Carcasses. That's right.

"Partially hydrogenated vegetable
or animal shortening,"

which is beef fat, pork gelatin,

which is made from boiled bones,
tendons and skin of pigs.

(groans)
So far, we're up to motor oil,

bugs, road tar, and pig bones.

So far she hasn't named a thing

that isn't in the majority
of cookies and snack cakes.

(scoffs)
And isn't that scary?

No, what's scary
is that we're being singled out.

Yes, it has us all terrified.

May I continue?

"Bleached white flour,"

the common ingredient used to bleach flour
is chloride oxide,

the use of which has been linked
to the destruction of the pancreas

and a form of Type 2 diabetes.

And finally, the biggie,
"High-fructose corn syrup."

This product does not metabolize
as a normal sugar in the body,

and it prevents a certain hormone,
leptin, from reaching the brain.

This hormone normally sends
a signal to the brain

that your stomach is full
and tells you to stop eating,

but whenever you eat anything
with high-fructose corn syrup,

your brain thinks it's not full,

and so you keep eating
and eating and eating.

This product, like many dessert cakes,

is addictive and causes diabetes,

and that is what this lawsuit will show.

As for defense counsel's remark
that the whole thing is ridiculous…

Is it?

The rate of diabetes has increased
80% in the last decade.

Nearly 21 million Americans have diabetes.

One in three children
will get it in their lifetime.

I just want to say that again.
One in three children.

These companies are
corporate drug dealers.

Their products are killing our children.

Objection! This is beyond inflammatory.

Is it? One in three children?

You market to children.

At least tobacco companies say
on the packages

that cigarette can kill you.

(scoffs)

And you have the temerity to accuse
my client of not taking responsibility?

(tense music playing)

(upbeat stinger playing)

KUPFER:
He effectively counseled his client

to skip trial and run.

Now he prefaced this by saying

he was not legally permitted
to give such advice, but come on.

He gave it all the same.

And the client did, in fact, flee.

Now do I have a grudge
against the defendant?

Yes, I do.

But as I said in that witness chair,

we are not here today
because of my hard feelings.

We are here
because Alan Shore broke the law!

A law he is not above.

A law that the 12 of you…

took an oath to uphold.

(neck cracks)

Denny.

It's the closing.

This would be the time to talk.

Pregnant pause, man.

Who the hell are we kidding?

Defense attorneys make their living

helping their clients
get away with murder.

We put rapists back on the street,
knowing they're gonna rape again.

Let's not pretend
we don't aid and abet crime.

The key is, make sure we cover our asses.

Attorneys do that better than anybody.

Now, uh, Alan Shore covered his.

He knew he couldn't legally advise
Mr. Mkeba to run,

and he expressly said
he couldn't give him such advice.

Did Mr. Mkeba get the message anyway?

Sure. But technically,
Alan Shore didn't break the law.

Ass covered, over and out.

Not guilty. Simple as that.

Oh, and here's another thing…

about… asses.

Not you. We'll get to you in a second.

If you have too much success
against the DA's office,

and Alan Shore out of luck,
especially against this putz,

beats him every time.

-Objection.
-Sustained.

Mr. Crane…

I'm sorry, Your Honor.

Too much success, eventually,

you get a giant bull's-eye
painted on your bottom.

(people gasping)

-Objection!
-JUDGE ROBERT: Sustained!

Mr. Crane!

I'm just trying to make a point,
Your Honor.

Alan Shore was a target.

He's got a bigger bull's-eye on his ass
than I have on mine.

And this man, Douglas Kupfer,
is aiming for it.

Said he wanted to stab him. That's subtle.

This is a vendetta.

He wants my client any way he can get him.

That's the only reason we're here.

Over and out. Reasonable doubt.
You all know that.

Last name, Crane. First name, Denny.

Not guilty.

Over and out.

(comical stinger playing)

(door opens)

JUDGE KATHERINE: I've read the complaint.

I can see no detailed evidence

which would allow me
to hold the defendant liable.

Nor can I conclude these charges
cannot be established during discovery.

The emerging research today
is increasingly indicating

that the major cause of disease and death
in the United States

is our national food supply.

The defendant's motion
to dismiss is therefore denied.

We'll confer and set a trial date.

Adjourned.

(laughs)
You did it, Shirley.

-So the fight's on?
-The fight is on.

If you dismiss the claim
of your own accord,

we will agree to withdraw
our defamation suit.

How sweet.

We'll dismiss for a number
with a lot of zeros in it, Ms. Marino,

otherwise, we have a trial.

I covet trials.

As do I.

I'm thinking class action.
We should start rounding up fatties.

What… what are your thoughts?

Edwin, my thought is,
let's get you back in the hospital.

That's a put-down.

You're not stable yet, Edwin.

Unless you want your name
to come off the door permanently,

it's back in the hospital.

I'm not kidding.

(somber music playing)

(lively stinger playing)

Hey.

Hey.

What's up?

DENISE: Nothing.

Just wandering.

You want this?

Sure. You don't want it?

I've already had two.

Thanks.

(breathes deeply)

I really liked what you said earlier.

And you could say it,

because, um,
we can be honest with each other,

you know, the way…
the way friends should be.

Cool.

It's funny, 'cause I've been talking
to some of my girlfriends and, um…

it turns out there's a lot of different
kinds of friends.

Like my friend Alyssa
has a friend that, um…

she goes to museums with.

That's it.

Just museums.

-Do you want to go to a museum with me?
-No.

God, no.

I have another friend, Melanie, uh…

She, uh…
(clears throat)

She has a friend, this guy,
and they have an understanding.

It's, um…

it's called friends with benefits.

(smacks lips)
You've heard of it.

Uh, friends with benefits, yes.

But maybe it's not what
you're talking about.

Actually, you should just tell me.

Well, we would, um…

as friends do, help each other out when…

in need.

Need of?

Intercourse.

-Which would be the…
-(whispers) Benefit.

I have never had
that kind of friend before.

But I have to admit,
I can imagine circumstances

where that would be beneficial.

(sighs)

Great.

-Great?
-(laughs)

Great.

BRAD: So when do these benefits kick in?

Tonight too soon?

("You're My Best Friend" by Queen playing)

♪ Ooh, you make me live ♪

♪ Whenever this world is cruel to me ♪

♪ I got you to help me forgive ♪

♪ Ooh, you make me live now, honey ♪

♪ Ooh, you're my best friend ♪

(song ends)

Ms. Foreperson, has the jury reached
a unanimous verdict?

-We have, Your Honor.
-What say you?

"On the matter of the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts vs. Alan Shore,

we the jury find the defendant Alan Shore

not guilty of all charges."

JUDGE ROBERT: This concludes
the jury's service as well as this trial.

You are dismissed
with the thanks of this court.

Mr. Shore, you are free to go.

-(gavel bangs)
-Thank you.

Phew! What a nail-biter.

Mr. Shore, one day
I hope to speak at your funeral.

(Alan chuckles)

(pleasant music playing)

Thank you, Denny.

You pulled it out of…

well, your ass, I guess.

-Scotch.
-Indeed.

I was lucky.

If Javert hadn't decided
to prosecute me himself…

Nah. The case was too thin.

The simple truth is,
you did cover yourself.

They never would've got you,
not beyond reasonable doubt.

I was lucky I had you.

(Denny sighs)

Still undefeated.

Never lost, never will.

(chuckles)
It was a deft touch with the underwear.

All's well that ends well.

Two years of jail time
didn't exactly end well for Mr. Mkeba.

Well, he nearly beat a man to death.

He deserves to go to jail.

People need to take responsibility.

-Hell, that's what you did, right?
-No.

In the end, I didn't have to take
responsibility for my actions.

I'm drinking scotch on the balcony.

Hey, I bared myself in open court for you.

If you haven't got the decency
to celebrate your own victory,

celebrate mine, for God sakes.

-To triumph.
-And to me, king of the world.

Are we setting a bad example?

-I shoot people.
-I bribe them.

-We drink.
-Smoke.

-I'm unfaithful.
-Not to me.

Never to you.

We're not setting examples, Denny,
we're just being true to who we are.

Who are we?

-Denny Crane.
-Alan Shore.

Leaders of men.

With bull's-eyes on our asses.

(slow music playing)

DENISE: Next on Boston Legal…

Denny Crane
for the United States of America.

Donny Crane for the plaintiff.

This is all about beating your old man,
isn't it, son?

I can't believe the squid
is working here now.

The only thing that can kill a shark.

I looked at the settlement figure you had.

I thought we could do better.

She just went to Denny
and stole my case. Just stole it.

Toughen up.

Just so you know, that little incident
would be considered sexual harassment.

How about I just clear everything
off this desk?

(loud clattering)

We can take care of things right now.

Then afterwards, you can write me up
and send me on my way.

(closing theme music)