All language subtitles for Boston.Legal.S02E17.2005.Disney+.WEB-DL.1080p.H264.DDP-HDCTV_track6_[eng]

BRAD: Previously on Boston Legal…

-Nice night.
-Suddenly it is.

-You had sex with her here?
-Hot…

-(Beverly laughing)
-…sweaty sex…

-(Denny panting)
-(Beverly moans)

…in the coat check room.

I'm not a one-woman man.

As long as we're together,

feel free to have sex
with anyone else you want.

I care about what could happen
to this firm now!

Let me tell you what will happen
to this firm if Denny Crane left.

It would dry up and blow away
and you with it!

By the way, uh, did I tell you?

Bev and I are getting married.

ALAN: No.

I would have remembered that.

("Minuetto" by Boccherini playing)

(groans)

Alan, help me with my tie.

Certainly.

I can't do it this way. Turn around.

Oh, I wish you and I were getting married.

That's you and I.

Both of us. To others.

I'm not gay.

I understood you the first Freudian slip.

Well, I…I don't want to leave you.

No doubt there will be some adjusting.

But you're not losing an Alan,
you're gaining a Bev.

The girl of your recent dreams.

Alan, you're my best friend.

If you want, you can dream about her, too.

Denny, you're generous to a fault.

There you are.

Well!

Denny Crane.

Getting hitched.

Indeed.

DENNY (mouthing): I do.

BEVERLY (mouthing): I do.

EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen,
would you please rise

and welcome for the first time
as husband and wife,

Mr. and Mrs. Denny Crane.

(guests whistling, applauding)

EMCEE: ♪ I've had… ♪

♪ The time of my life ♪

♪ No, I never felt like this way before ♪

♪ Yes, I swear it's the truth ♪

White roses, gold-leaf cake,

Bev's boobs swimming out
of her wedding dress.

Who said money can't buy tastelessness?

I think Bev and Denny did a lovely job.

PAUL: Eleven marriages
between the two of them.

They've had plenty of practice.

Will you listen to you people?

Can we not for just one moment
appreciate the simplicity

and timelessness of two souls in love?

BAND: ♪ This could be love ♪

♪ Because… ♪

♪ I've had the time of my life ♪

♪ No, I never felt this way before ♪

♪ Yes, I swear it's the truth ♪

♪ And I owe it all to you ♪

(theme music playing)

(band playing romantic music)

Congratulations.

I saw you were the lucky one

who caught Bev's garter.

Yes, I'm going for a full battery of tests

first thing in the morning.

I love you.

-I love you more.
-I love you more more.

-TROY: Mainlander!
-Oh, my Angel!

Denny, this is my dear friend, Troy.

-Troy.
-Denny, mahalo, and congrats.

-Thank you.
-Troy lives on the big island.

Oh, yeah?
Well, we'll have to come and look you up

on our honeymoon, if there's time.

TROY: Oh, excellent, excellent.

I've got some new listings
you two are going to fall for.

Ah, Troy's a realtor.

He's been keeping an eye
out on houses for us.

I didn't know we were in the market
for a second home.

(Beverly chortles)

Well, actually, darling,
when you see the Kona coast,

you may be thinking of first homes.

What am I supposed to do,
beam myself to Boston every morning?

(Denny giggles)

Would you excuse us, Troy?

Hey, come here.

Now, honey, I just want you
to humor me in my wild notions.

I want to put this thought in your head
and it's only a thought. That's all.

But now that we're starting
this new chapter in our lives…

what do you say we really do it?

Retire?

No, that's an old person's word.

I'm talking about new beginnings.

But Bev, you know
I'm the rainmaker at the firm.

Our clients want to know that Denny Crane
is taking care of their business.

And Bev wants to know that Denny Crane
is taking care of…

Well, Denny Crane.

But we have lots of time
for these thoughts.

Tonight's all fun and games, right?

(romantic music playing in background)

WAITRESS: Hi.

Nice night.

Suddenly it is.

Has anyone seen Denny?
It's time for our toast.

Oh, last time I saw him
was over near the coat check room.

(Beverly gags)

(frantic music playing)

(glass shatters)

Denny?

Is it time to cut the cake?

(upbeat music playing)

Of course, there is no prenup.

Actually, Denny signed one.

He just neglected to have Bev sign it.

I thought it was a lovely reception.

I never got to the cake.
It looked fantastic.

Any of you try it?

It was supposed to be marble
with a little fudge.

Shut up. Just shut up!

While you sit here prattling
about cake fillings,

Bev has hired an army of lawyers
to gut this firm.

She won't get far, Paul.
It's a straightforward annulment.

They were only married for three hours.

Legally, they never had the opportunity
to consummate the marriage

after the ceremony.

Oh, yes, we did.

You had sex with another woman

and your wife in the three hours
you were married?

It was my special day.
I'd taken my little blue pill.

No cure for cancer,
but we've got three pills for that.

Look, there are other criteria
for an annulment.

Legally, we can always say
that Denny was not of sound mind.

That cannot become public knowledge.

Despite the repeated shootings,

the television appearances,

people still believe Denny runs this firm.

I am one of those people.

Bev's attorney, Eli Granger will be here
in less than an hour.

My suggestion for now is that
we simply hear him out.

Alan, it's awful!

Joan? What's awful?

JOAN: My boss…

Mr. Lumis just fired me.

I'm sorry.

You work so hard, you know?

Eight years at that
frigging escrow company.

Why did he fire you?

Well, one day, six weeks ago,
he brings us all in for a staff meeting

and he says, "Due to the spiraling costs
of health care insurance,

all smokers have exactly
six weeks to quit.

At which point I'll test their system
for nicotine,

and if you fail the urine test,
then you'll be terminated."

Fired!

Fricking health Nazi.

You know, I got rent to pay.
And of course, I tried to quit.

You know, I…I wanted to.

I…I did the patch.

And I did that little, um,
nicotine sucky thing, you know?

But the more I imagined losing my job,

the more I panicked
and the more I panicked,

the more I smoked.

Now I'm up to three packs a day.

And today was the day.

He just made me pee in a cup
and then he fired me.

Well, unless that's some type
of sex game with your lover,

I find it appalling
and we won't let him do it.

We won't?

I'm off to court right now.
But what floor is your office on?

-I'll pay him a visit.
-The tenth.

Just follow the evil stench
of vitamins and celery.

(laughs)

(brisk stinger playing)

ELI: Ah, well, good morning, everyone.

Shirley, I can see
I didn't bring enough silent flunkies

to fill my side of the table.

(whispers) Double-shot espresso,
skim milk, two sugars.

Scoot.

Let's start over.

Eli, welcome to Crane, Poole & Schmidt.

That's my seat. Get out.

Please get Mr. Granger a cup of coffee,
skim milk, two sugars.

Thank you.

Now, Eli, besides telling you your fake
tan is coming off on your collar,

what can we do for you?

The parting of ways, marital dissolution.

My client's trauma is incalculable,
and yet…

look at me. I've calculated it.

To the point.

Mrs. Crane gave up her career,
a lucrative office furniture business,

to be a stay-at-home wife.

She made irrevocable sacrifices
and still as a generous offer,

considering her pain,

she is willing to take only 50%
of Mr. Crane's assets.

What?

Including his equity in the firm here,
of course.

They were married only three hours.

And it would've lasted longer
had Denny here not banged

a cocktail waitress
at his own wedding reception.

We're not here to judge.

Though the State of Massachusetts is,
and in cases like this,

we are a "fault" state
and clearly Denny is at fault.

And by the time Mrs. Crane
gets what's hers, who knows?

Maybe I'll have my name on the door here.

-Do you smoke it or take it in the arm?
-Brad.

(Eli chuckles)

There'll be no divorce.

I beg your pardon?

Bev and I had an agreement
when we first got together.

She told me that I could sleep
with whomever I want.

Delmonico's restaurant, January 14th.

Happiest night of my life.

So, I had sex with another woman or a…

Navy Burberry.

I'm not quite sure which.
But the point is,

she granted me the right to tomcat,
and I exercised that right.

No divorce.

No reconciliation.

(percussive music playing)

We're going to court.

Every good marriage takes work.

(comical stinger playing)

(upbeat stinger playing)

Kurt Lumis.

Alan Shore. I've noticed you
at the juice bar on the first floor.

You always leave a penny, never take one.

I admire that.

(chuckles) Thank you, Al.

So, I guess you're here
to speak about Joan.

Yes, Kur, I am.

Well, I'm sorry to see her go
but rules are the rules.

You break them,
you've got to pay the price.

I've never heard our entire system
of justice encapsulated so succinctly.

-(chuckles) Well, that's me.
-(Alan chuckles)

However, instances arise
where the rules themselves are unfair.

This is one of those cases.

Nope, the no-smoking rule
is as right as the Bible.

Good for the company,
good for the employees.

It's just good, period.

Well, and this may be
in the Bible somewhere,

you do have the right to forbid
your employees from smoking at work,

but why do you think
you're justified in telling anyone

what they may or may not do
on their own time?

Because it's good for them.

And my lawyer told me I could.

Guy just like you.

You see, everyone here is what you call
an at-will employee.

And like most workers in this country,

they can be fired for anything,

anytime, anyplace,

anyway.

You see, Al, I used to coach football.

-I never would have guessed.
-It's like I used to tell my players.

There are two ways to do things,

my way and the wrong way.

Joan did things the wrong way,
so I cut her from the squad.

(chuckles) I have a similar bit of wisdom
I like to share.

We can do this my way or another way

that will have you writing
a very large check and crying like a baby.

Are you threatening me, Al?

Why not just rehire Joan

and forget we ever met?

I know I'd like nothing more.

Nope. I think we're done.

Actually, this is just the beginning
of our little game.

I assume that as a coach,
you'd have figured that out.

(quirky stinger playing)

(door shuts)

Trying to quit?

Not really.

I just suppose there should be a law
requiring me to try to quit. (giggles)

What are you in for?

Divorce.

Ah! Been there.

Not with a husband, actually but…

boyfriend after frigging boyfriend.

I suck at relationships.

Actually, I suck at almost everything.
(giggles)

When I'm not inhaling, I'm sucking.

(laughingly) The story of my life.

The only thing I've actually
ever been good at is my job,

which I never sucked at

but got fired just the same for inhaling.

I was good at it.

I was good.

I was good.

I was…

Good.

I can't make my rent.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

No, I do! Actually, I'm suing.

That's it. And I'm going to win.

Alan Shore's my lawyer and he's good.

He's good.

Who have you got?

Uh, I had Denny Crane.

Now I've got Eli.

Alan Shore's in my boss' office
right now trying to settle.

He's going to come walking off
that elevator any second

and… and tell me I've got my job back.

Or they're giving me money.

Or I'm going to get everything I want.

Otherwise…

I have to win this.

I have to win.

(melancholic stinger playing)

SHIRLEY: We're being audited.

The entire firm?

To determine Denny's net worth.

Let them. We have nothing to hide.

Hold on a second there, Aunt Sally.
This could be…

Well, a problem.

Why?

Denny, what have you done?

Little things.

How little?

I may have on occasion,

laid off an occasional personal expense
on the firm, occasionally.

Good Lord!

Call Joel Landson in accounting.
Get him up here right away.

Mind you, it's not exactly illegal
but it's not legal either.

It's in the fuzzy gray area.

Denny's home address.

Bottom line?

Should this information become public…

And we can be sure that Bev's lawyers
will see that it does.

JOEL: The IRS could get involved.

Our reputation will be sullied.

Clients will begin to wonder
if they've been bilked.

There could be more investigations

and, uh,
all of the partners will be liable.

We're talking Arthur Andersen headlines.

-We're screwed.
-We don't own enough shredders.

Our only chance right now is to settle
and settle quickly.

Um, we can't do that.

-Why not?
-DENNY: Because…

I want to stay married to Bev.

-I thought you were bluffing!
-That doesn't seem to be

an option right now, Denny.

I'm going to make it an option.

And as we know, my name on the door.

(Paul exhales deeply)

That's it!

(Paul opens, shuts door)

(pensive stinger playing)

Paul.

Denise, I want you to look over
the partnership agreement

and tell me hypothetically
what would be required

for me to sell my portion out
and take early retirement.

And hypothetically,
I would need that very fast.

Paul, don't do anything you'll regret.

Doing nothing is what I'll regret most.

I have devoted my life to keeping
this firm an outstanding institution.

Now in the twilight of my career, this…

this mess could destroy my reputation,

all because Denny cannot control
his aged groin.

All right, listen, guys. I can fix this.

Now just let me talk to Denny.
I know what to say.

I can make him settle.

Paul, just wait this out, please.

(tense stinger playing)

(upbeat stinger playing)

The purchase of a home
is one of life's great stressors.

And while I'm no braggart,
in my eight years at Lumis Escrow,

I had the most escrow closes.

I had the highest customer
satisfaction record.

All of my year-end reviews were fours.

That's out of a possible four.

I was employee of the year
three years running.

I mean, if I was such a bad worker,

then why was I awarded the $100
gift certificate to the Hungry Whistler?

Your Honor, at this time,
if I may enter into evidence

Ms. Zeder's three
Employee of the Year plaques.

Please note the inscribed nickname,
"Just Ask Joan."

Thank you. I can see that.

Now, Joan, do you smoke cigarettes?

Yeah.

Have you ever smoked at work?

Yes, but only on my breaks,
on my time, away from the door.

And I'm a courtesy waver, so you know, I…

Not in anyone's face.

Does your smoking impact your job
in any way?

No, and I've never been late
because of smoking.

In fact, actually, it helps calm me down
so I can focus on my work.

Thank you, Ms. Zeder.

Ms. Zeder, did your boss tell you
to quit smoking or you'd be fired?

Yes.

Nothing further.

(slow stinger playing)

Denny.

I was a marine.

I served my country proudly
in the first Gulf War.

I am an honest, honorable person.

I want you to know that I do not lie.

-We're clear on that?
-Yes.

Are there any guns in here?
I want to be clear on that as well.

There are many guns.

-Within reach?
-No.

All right.

Several weeks ago,
I took your fiancée out to lunch.

It's not that.

I offered her $500,000
to end her relationship with you.

-What?
-I know.

It was a foolish thing to do,

but I felt that I was acting in the best
interests of the firm and you.

-She turned you down.
-Yes. (sighs)

But before she did, she hesitated.

She considered it.

And it's my belief that
if I had offered her more,

she would have taken it.

Thank you, Brad, for telling me that.
It couldn't have been easy.

(sighs in relief)

You're fired.

-What?
-Name on the door.

See you.

(percussive stinger playing)

He fired me.

I'm a partner. He fired me.

Brad, the review committee
will take care of this.

He can't just fire you
without consulting the partners.

Of course, he can.

He's Denny Crane.

His name's on the door.
If he wants me gone, I'm gone.

Damn it, Denny. You just can't.

-Can't…?
-All of it.

This is a law firm!

This is a living, breathing entity.

Yes, you may have founded it

but hundreds and hundreds of people
now have their lives attached to it.

And at this moment,
through the choices you make,

you have the potential
to unravel this entire place

and the individuals
who have given everything to it.

That may be, but still…

So help me, if you say
it's still your name on the door,

I'll shoot you with one of your own guns.

That won't change the door.

Denny, you cheated on your wife

at your own wedding reception

in what has become some sort
of cloakroom fetish.

That is a new low even for you.

Yeah.

It is, isn't it?

And now you're saying
you don't want the marriage to end?

What is going on here?

You've known me 30 years. You tell me.

One moment I'm enjoying
my own wedding reception

and the next, my gut is telling me
something's wrong.

And somehow having sex with that waitress,

or the coat
made everything feel right. And…

once things felt right again…

I wanted Bev back.

(somber music playing)

Denny, your once charming
and eccentric behavior

has turned into a series
of self-destructive impulses.

I love you,
but it's time to take a step back

and look at what you're turning into.

Shirley…

(comical stinger playing)

…I love you, too.

(sighs)

(upbeat stinger playing)

Shirley. You want something.

I'll guess it's sex.
Let me take my coat off.

As much as I'd love to, Alan, if we did,

I wouldn't have time to deal
with your needs.

Yes. Well, another time.

ALAN: What's on your mind?

I am sure you know
what's going on with Denny.

Shirley, in this case,
I've decided to stay above the fray

and catch the show from the mezzanine.

In case you missed the first act,

Denny's decision not to settle
on his divorce

leaves the firm quite vulnerable.

We may be open to public audit,
uh, potential lawsuits.

Paul has threatened to leave
and we may lose Brad if we're not careful.

Sounds exciting.

So you want me to convince Denny to settle

so that we all may be settled?

Something like that.

I won't do it.

Alan, you're willing to see
this firm go down?

You're asking me to manipulate my friend,
and I won't do it.

It would have been easier
just to have sex with you.

(upbeat stinger playing)

Health insurance premiums keep going up.

I run a small business.

I'm competing against escrow services
that are nationwide chains

and others that are on the internet.

I have to either cut costs
or close my doors.

It's that simple.

And if Ms. Zeder would have been able
to quit smoking,

would you have kept her on the payroll?

Of course.

I mean, we didn't give her
the $100 gift certificate

to the Hungry Whistler for nothing.

Mr. Lumis, your desire to cut costs
makes absolute sense.

Uh, but earlier, we heard
your office manager testify

that when you weigh, uh,
Ms. Zeder's productivity

against any increased
health insurance premiums,

you still come out ahead.

So your argument is,
dare I say it, a fumble, correct?

I have to think of the future.

If she gets cancer or heart disease or any
of the other things that smokers get,

my rates go sky-high.

Mr. Lumis, how do you feel
about fat people?

Because according to the Surgeon General,

300,000 Americans die every year
from obesity-related illnesses.

Other businesses
are firing people for that.

I haven't done it yet.

-So you're thinking about it?
-I'm always thinking.

Anyone can see that.
How about alcohol consumption?

People who have more than 15 drinks a week
are at risk of becoming alcoholics.

And alcoholism can cause cirrhosis
of the liver, pancreatitis,

increased incidence of cancer.

Wouldn't it be a good idea to monitor
your employees' alcohol intake?

-Maybe I should.
-Well, what about coffee?

Caffeine temporarily increases
your blood pressure.

Trans-fatty acids and stress,

both of these things
could cause heart attacks.

That would certainly raise
your premiums sky-high.

It's been proven arguing 30 minutes a day

lowers your immune system,
as does loneliness.

There go your married employees
and your single ones.

You're going to have to watch
these people all the time, Mr. Lumis.

I hope you're a multitasker.

Mr. Shore, I think you're exaggerating.

No, I'm just welcoming us all to 1984.

The bus arrived a little late
and our tour guide George Orwell

is good and dead.

But nonetheless we made it,
and Big Brother Lumis is watching us.

-Objection.
-Nothing further.

That is if it's okay with Mr. Lumis.

(giggles)

(whimsical music playing)

I, um… (clears throat)

I drafted a memo for you regarding
the partnership agreement.

Thank you.

As a second topic,

I'm not saying this firm
is about to dissolve,

but if it did…

-Hypothetically.
-If it did,

would you be interested in breaking off
and setting up your own firm with someone?

Someone and Bauer would probably
be the name on the door.

Um,

I would certainly have to think
about that, hypothetically.

Well, that's all I could ask,

if I were asking.

(knocking on door)

-There you are.
-Here I am.

-How's your case?
-Not over.

How are your various enterprises?

You mean Bev?

Everyone here thinks my situation upstairs
is clouding my judgment.

That only an idiot
would want to stay with her.

Everyone in love is something of an idiot.

This might get ugly, Denny.

It may have already.

And I don't care.

At a certain age, Alan,

you'll find it extraordinary
the compromises one is willing to make

for even the possibility of love.

(melancholic stinger playing)

Increased globalization.
Mega corporations.

How can a small businessman compete?

Two ways. He must offer a unique,
terrific product or service,

and he must keep costs down.

Now Kurt Lumis runs a first-rate
escrow company.

And he wants to do right by his employees
by offering them health insurance.

But if he doesn't keep his biggest
expense in check, health care,

he loses everything.

So he instituted a very strict
no-smoking policy.

Now Mr. Lumis is not only reducing
his business costs,

he's also helping his employees who smoke

by giving them motivation to quit.

Now Joan Zeder knew the company policy.

She was given ample time to quit smoking,

and she knew she'd be fired if she didn't.

But she chose cigarettes over her job.

And because Ms. Zeder
is an at-will employee,

Mr. Lumis had a legal right to fire her.

And as to what smoking is doing
to her health,

she can read the warning label
on the pack.

The great Irish playwright
George Bernard Shaw

had a rather jaundiced view
of our country.

Shaw said that "While our constitution

"was set up to prevent
political dictatorship,

"in doing so, we established a society

where every ward boss is a dictator,
every financier a dictator,

every private employer a dictator,

all with the livelihood of the workers
at their mercy."

Well, if Mr. Lumis wants
to emulate Mussolini

in how he treats his employees
at the office, that's one thing.

But Joan Zeder's actions at work
have always been commendable.

Mr. Lumis also declared himself
emperor over Ms. Zeder in her home.

There he found her smoking.
Something which is not against the law.

Which is, in fact, none of his business,
but he fired her anyway.

Shouldn't we be able to have private lives

that aren't governed by the people
we work for?

My God, I cannot believe

I just asked that question
in an American courtroom.

My head may explode.

Your Honor, the right to privacy,

as you well know,
is guaranteed under our Constitution.

But now,
thanks to our current Supreme Court,

that right is flickering
like a candle in the wind.

And the breeze is picking up.

But Justice Scalia and his ilk
aren't judging this case.

You are.

And at what point will we say,
will you say,

that provided we do not violate the law,

other people cannot dictate what we do

in the privacy of our own homes?

Your Honor, when you consider this case

in the privacy of your chambers

where no police or lawyers

or Lumis may enter,

please think about the dying gasps
of our precious right to privacy

and what our lives might be like
if it actually passes away.

(resolute stinger playing)

("Old School" by Guitar Shorty playing)

Conference room.
I'm putting this thing to bed.

ELI: It's high.

It could have been much higher.

-Denny, you want to take a look at this?
-No need.

DENNY: Here's our counteroffer.

Two words. Uh, maybe three.

Barbara's Built-ins.

(coughing)

Can Denny and I please have the room?

-ELI: Bev…
-It's all right. I've got it.

-(door shuts)
-(sighs)

So what do you know?

"Barbara's Built-ins. Only the best."

You marketed to old people
in retirement homes

in and around Boca Raton.

You sold Built-ins for television sets,

Built-ins for dishwashers,
Built-ins for microwaves,

but you never built them in.

That's not true. I did some lovely work.

I always meant to finish the jobs
that people had contracted me for,

but I had a cash flow problem.

And it made more sense financially to…

To rob the geezers and skip town.

(groans)

(clicks tongue)

(scoffs)

How long have you known?

Since our third date.

Whenever I make love to a woman
more than twice, I have her investigated.

But Denny, since you knew my history,

why didn't you have me sign a prenup?

Because I loved you.

And when you can send someone to jail
with a phone call, there's your prenup.

Well, you know,
I still could have you audited.

Mm-hmm.

Stalemate.

Exactly.

And you know why it's a stalemate?

'Cause, we're so much alike.

The fact that we have something
on each other means we belong together.

Our love is a fairy tale
written by real people.

What I'm saying is, even after all this…

I'd like to make it work.

(somber music playing)

Denny.

I love you.

But…

I love Hawaii more.

(chuckles softly)

Well…

you'll be the one that got away
from Denny Crane.

Which… That makes you, uh…

a large fish in a very small pond.

Mr. Shore, I believe
in the right to privacy

that you so passionately defended.

And I believe that when Mr. Lumis
fired Ms. Zeder

for actions that in no way affected
her performance at work,

he acted unreasonably.

But unfortunately,

the law doesn't require Mr. Lumis
to be reasonable.

Therefore, there is nothing I can do.

I am granting the motion to dismiss.

Court is adjourned.

(gavel pounding)

What?

I'm sorry, Joan.

We can always appeal this, Joan,
and in the meantime, find you a new job.

New job?

Alan, I'm a smoker.
An evil, villainous smoker.

If I go on a job interview and I'm honest,

I tell them I have a two-pack-a-day habit,
that's it.

Liability. Leper.

Yeah, no, this is a new world order, Alan.

I'm just a cog
and I got to find a way to fit in.

I got to find a way to quit,
even if it kills me.

(Joan sighs)

You know what I'm gonna miss most
about smoking?

It's like, you work your ass off all day,
people screaming at you,

"Where's my this? Where's my that?"

"Why haven't you answered my email
that I sent you seven seconds ago?"

And in all that chaos, all that frenzy,

smoking was more than a habit.

It was… it was a place to go

where I could just shut out
the rest of the world

and find a little square bit of time

and peace for me.

Just a little bit.

That sounds perfect.

If I may suggest an alternate habit.

Intercourse.

-What?
-I find it just as relaxing.

That break in the day or several times

when you shut the rest of the world out.

Breathing in the moment. (inhales deeply)

Feeling it run through your body.

That nice high in the end.

Much like a cigarette.

(soft romantic music playing)

Was… was that a proposition?

(laughs softly)

Not really.

But if, as a friend,
you ever need any assistance,

whenever you feel like having a smoke,
just call me instead.

Thanks, Alan.

An agreement has been reached
on the matter of Crane vs. Crane.

I will buy a house for Bev in Hawaii.

She will accept.

Marriage is dissolved.

Mrs. Crane, I think we should consider
our options…

We're done.

Eli, we're done.

Look me up if you're ever
on the big island.

I am the big island.

Come on.

Brad.

I really couldn't have fired you
by myself.

-Yes, you could have.
-Yes, I could have.

But sometimes people say things
they don't really mean,

like "I love you" or "You're fired."

So I really want you to stay
with the firm.

While everyone was whining about Bev,
you actually tried to take her out.

I admire that.

You have very large testicles, my friend.

Well, thank you, Denny.

I'm flattered you have that opinion of me.

DENNY: It's not my opinion.

I saw you in the shower at the gym.

Good God!

("Days Like This" by Van Morrison playing)

You know the best part of my marriages
has always been the first day.

Just married. Grand thing.

But for me, there was nothing more…

devastatingly lonely
than being married for a while.

You never talk about your wife.

What was she like?

She had all the most delectable qualities
one could hope for.

Creativity, desire,

zealotry, a gorgeous clavicle…

(inhales deeply)

…healthy lack of inhibition.

Sounds spectacular. What happened?

She began…

to know me too well
and I began to hate her for it.

Even when I was unpredictable,
she'd predict it.

For those of us who aspire to be original,

it's the worst sort of banality.

She died.

I've missed that banality ever since.

I wonder if sometimes I get remarried

just to have someone listen
to my stories again.

(laughs) Not a terrible reason.

Someone with that admiring look
in their eye.

(chuckles softly)

Yes.

Denny, they're doing some sort
of renovations at my hotel.

They start at dawn
and make a horrendous racket.

It wakes me up. I can't get back to sleep.

-It's always something with you.
-(chuckles)

DENNY: Night terrors, clowns, renovation.

I was wondering if I could
spend the night at your place.

How long is the renovation going to take?

They won't say.

Well…

("Days Like This" by Van Morrison playing)

Stay as long as you need.

Thanks.

BRAD: Next on Boston Legal…

It's no use, Alan.
Nothing interests me anymore.

Russell Blayney, victim or vigilante?

I want that case!

I see your bliss is back as well.

PAUL: I don't want your legal advice.

I want you to find out if my daughter
is using drugs again.

-I'm Brad. I'm a drug addict.
-CROWD: Hi, Brad.

That was a nice story.
Too bad it was a lie.

Please tell me this is going
where I think it's going.

Karl took some very tasteful
black-and-white nudes of me.

I am so glad I came into work today.

(theme music playing)