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(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Come on. Let's go.

Wait a minute!
You can't just return them.

They said I wasn't
a good fit.

There'll be another
family, Michelle.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, come on!
Wait a minute!

What's the matter
with me?

Not a thing, Michelle.

God's children
are all perfect.

In their own way.

(ROCK BALLAD PLAYING)

Fuck you!

Never lose hope, Michelle.

There's a family out
there for everyone.

Come on, Agnes.
Families are for suckers.

Don't worry about me.
I don't need anybody.

I'm going straight
to the top.

Michelle. Michelle?

AUDIENCE CHANTING: Michelle! Michelle! Michelle!
SISTER ALUMINATA: Michelle?

MALE ANNOUNCER: She's the CEO of three
Fortune 500 companies

and the best-selling financial
author of Money Talks, Bullshit Walks.

The one, the only,
Michelle Darnell!

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Who wants to make
some money?

(MAN SHOUTING)

I can't hear you, Chicago!

Get those hands up!

Come on! There we go!

(RAPPING) MD going in on the verse
'Cause I never been defeated

And I won't stop now

Keep your hands up,
put 'em in the sky

For the homies didn't make it
and my folks locked down

I never went nowhere

They're saying 'Chelle's back
Blame it on the conjure

They call it M.D. -ac

Can 't never count me out

Y'all better count me in

Got twenty bank accounts
Accountants count me in

Make millions every year

The Chi's champion

'Cause all I do is...

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Give it up for T-Pain!

All I do is win, win, win no
matter what Got money on my mind

I can never get enough

And every time I
step up in the building

Everybody hands go up

And they stay there

And they say yeah

And they stay there

Up down, up down, up down

'Cause all I do
is win, win, win

And if you goin' in put your hands
in the air Make them stay there

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

MICHELLE: Thank you, Chicago!

Thank you. All right.

WOMAN: I love you!

Thank you. I love you, too.

My name is Michelle Darnell

and I am the 47th wealthiest
woman in America.

How wealthy am I?

I had Destiny's Child reunite

only to have them come over
to my personal living room

so I could watch
them break apart again.

Huh?

How did I get to my success level?
What's my secret?

I worked myself silly.

Okay, number one.

You work your ass off
to get what you want.

Number two. You do not let
other people drag you down.

'Cause they will.

They are an anchor in your
life that you do not want.

Cut 'em loose and sail off.

If you work this program...

You. Will. Get. Rich.

And I'm not talking
about chump change.

And I'm not talking about some loose
dollar bills at the bottom of your purse.

I'm talking about
real fucking money!

Life-changing money!

AUDIENCE CHANTING:
Real fucking money! Real fucking money!

That's how you do it.

Now let's go make some money!

Thank you, Tito.
What a night!

That's right, MD.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah.

I don't know if it's gonna fit
if you buy it online.

Oh, you know the rules, boys.
Go, go, go, go!

If I have to wait for an elevator,
one of you is carrying me up the stairs

on their back.

Good evening, Ms. Darnell...
No, no, no.

Oh...

Oh, and I was looking
forward to a piggy-back ride.

Ah.

Come on, Tito.

Good evening.
Have a good evening.

Claire.

Have a good evening, Miss Darnell.
Yeah.

Shut the doors, Paul.
It's...

It's shutting. It's automatic.
It's coming. Oh, it's coming.

Right. There it goes.
Good night. Yeah, there it goes.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God. Um...

You didn't press it.
Can I fuck 'em up?

It's dealers choice.
It's up to you, really.

I'd run, boys.
I'm gonna fuck 'em up.

Oh, Jesus!
Jesus Christ.

I'm amazed that the United
Center is even still standing

because I crushed it tonight.

You crushed it like velvet.

Like velvet! Send T-Pain some
"thank you" flowers.

Okay?
Okay.

Look into getting more
fire power to that bird.

Absolutely.
More power.

No. The fire marshal
almost shut us down

based on the pyrotechnics
we used tonight.

I don't think
that's an option.

Let's hire a new
fire marshal.

CLAIRE: I don't think you
can hire a fire marshal.

I think it's a
city-appointed position,

but I'll look
into it.

TITO: All she does
is win, Claire. Toot-toot!

CLAIRE: I got this, Tito.
Okay? You can sit this one out.

MICHELLE: Claire?

Oh, teeth whitening.
Sorry. Sorry, yes.

My God.
Sorry.

Hmm. I have to remind you.
That seems...

That seems like
a little the opposite, right?

Yeah.

Okay. Yeah,
I think if you keep your...

You need to keep your tongue inside
your mouth for this to work.

Last week you very specifically said,
"Keep tongue out."

No.
You did say that, Claire.

I said, "Get your tongue out of
the picture."

She's got to
breathe, Claire.

Somebody must
be hungry.

Somebody gets very crabby
when she's hungry.

You're a little
hangry, Claire.

I'm not hangry, Tito.

Hungry and angry.
You hangry, Claire.

Sixty seconds
of no talking.

'Cause this has to
set for 60 seconds.

I've been waiting.
I mean, I'm in here.

You're the only one
that's talking, Claire.

You're the only one talking.
It's hilarious.

It's like that classic comedy gag,
"He's on my baseball."

Who's on my baseball?

Uh, who's on my baseball? (CHUCKLING)
(MICHELLE CHUCKLING)

Oh, no it's...
Who's on my baseball?

I think it's, "Who's on first. What's on second?
I Don't Know is on third."

Right?

I don't think that's...
Uh, no.

I think you're on
my baseball.

TITO: Who's on my baseball?
First base.

(MICHELLE AND TITO LAUGHING)

(SINGING) What's on
my baseball?

Baseball

Great. So, since I
have you for a second,

you told me to remind you
exactly a year ago today

that it's been three years
since my last pay increase.

I don't think that's true.

That doesn't ring...

Does that seem
accurate to you?

That sounds false.

But you crushed
it tonight!

CLAIRE: It's not false, Tito.
It's entirely accurate.

And I wrote
down what you said.

Oh, Claire, I don't know why
you always have to quote.

"Claire, exactly
one year from today

"I'm going to give
you a raise so big

"you'll cream your jeans
and shat your chaps."

Claire. That is
wildly inappropriate.

MICHELLE: Wildly.
TITO: Lowbrow, Claire.

CLAIRE: I run your entire
organization, Michelle.

I do a great job.

I made myself available
for you 24 hours a day

while being a single mom,
I might add.

I deserve a raise
and a title change.

I'd like
"Executive Assistant."

Now that surprises me,
'cause I did not know that you had a child.

Was that through...
Was that through intercourse?

Yes.

MICHELLE: You know what?
Good for you.

Michelle, if you can't
give me a raise,

I can't continue
to work here.

Well, look who finally
showed up to my seminar.

(CLAPPING)
MICHELLE: 'Bout time, Claire. I love it.

I didn't know if you were
listening all these years.

What am I always saying?

"Don't go in that room."

MICHELLE: True. I do say that.
But I also say,

"If you want something,
you gotta take it."

Claire, you just took it.

And you grew
a pair in the process.

I'm holding your earrings.
(CHUCKLES)

You're holding
a pair of earrings

that in 2001,
I paid $62,000 for.

And that's your raise, now.
That's a good raise.

And you earned it.

Thank you.

Congratulations on
your balls, Claire.

MICHELLE: Isn't Tito the greatest?
(FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS)

CLAIRE: I love Tito.

MICHELLE: What are
you doing up here?

Miss Darnell, this just came for you.
They said it was urgent.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, it's ringing.

MICHELLE: (GROANS)
Oh, boy.

Go for Darnell.

RENAULT: (VIA PHONE)
I will not be ignored.

Ah. (CHUCKLES)

MICHELLE: Hi there, Ronald.

It's "Renault."

Why are you muscling
in on my Takoro deal?

You know what?
A little birdie told me

that Takoro was merging
with Samson International.

So I acquired the
majority of the stock.

That's called
insider trading, Michelle.

Which makes you a criminal.

You're going to be sorry
you ever dishonored me.

God, for the last time,
you're not a samurai, Ronald.

It's "Renault"!

No, it's not.
It's "Ron," and you're from Jersey.

Phil. Take off that
ridiculous top.

You should
never cover that up.

Okay.

Please don't forget you have an
interview first thing Monday.

MICHELLE: We'll see.

Let me just... Let me just
help you out there.

You'll regret
this, Michelle!

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Get me the SEC.

Okay.

We are back with the one and only,
Michelle Darnell.

Let's talk about your
relationship with your mentor,

that mega mogul,
Ida Marquette.

Well, Gayle, we've got
a terrific relationship.

Really? I'm so
surprised to hear that,

only because we came across
this tape the other day. Take a look.

Oh.
IDA: I was Michelle's mentor.

It's so hard to describe her.

She's a business woman,
a visionary, a leader,

a natural born
(BLEEPING) cocksucker, a motherfucker,

an ass-wipe, a shit stain,

and sewer rat,
fuck-face, professional.

(SNICKERING)

Doesn't sound so chummy.

Oh, I think a couple of those
beeps were actually compliments.

That's one way
to look at it.

Michelle, I want to
talk about you.

That you were, basically,
abandoned as a child,

bounced around from foster
home to foster home,

and that, really, you were
raised in an orphanage.

No, no, no.

I was lucky enough to attend a beautiful,
lovely elite boarding school,

very much like Hogwarts,
to give you a visual.

And almost as magical.
I feel very lucky.

Where'd you get that?

GAYLE: We've got a really
good research team,

and when I look at that picture,
I don't think "elite."

Can we talk about
this for a second?

This interview is over.
Where are you going?

I was not trying to
upset you, Michelle.

Why are you leaving?
MICHELLE: You know what, Gayle?

Nobody spells "Gayle" with a "Y ".
It's pretentious.

You've got a great
story to tell.

Keeping the mic!

Gayle King ambushed me.
You get that segment pulled before it airs.

Miss Darnell,
you're under arrest

for insider trading and defrauding
the Securities Exchange Commission.

Are you kidding me?

Would I kid you?

Claire, call my lawyer.
Okay.

Stay back.

What do you make a year?
I'll double it.

Did you just try
to bribe me?

No. I mean,
unless you're tempted...

Hey! This is...

This is not
reasonable. Claire!

Don't fight it, Michelle!
Let me go!

Ooh. Don't struggle, baby!

Renault ratted me out!

It's just insider trading!
Everybody does it!

You are fighting
with the wrong redhead!

(GRUNTS)

Yeah. I'm out.

I'mma get my job back
at Best Buy. Boom!

God, you're the worst.

FEMALE NEWSCASTER:
In breaking news...

Michelle Darnell was sentenced
to five months in federal prison

for insider trading.

(DOGS GROWLING)
Currently, Darnell Enterprise stocks...

I told you
you'd regret it.

STEPHAN: You can really
hold onto a grudge.

I can't believe
you two used to date.

RENAULT: Ah. It was
the Go-Go Nineties.

She was my yin,
I was her yang.

Our bodies were intertwined, but our
spirits were in constant opposition.

Dynamic.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(SOFT GROAN)

I got this promotion locked!

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Don't worry.
Once I become senior VP,

nothing's gonna
change between us.

It better not. You look so
fucking rad when you do coke.

BRYCE: Hey, guys! Guys!

What?

They're about to announce
who gets the promotion.

Pretty exciting, huh?

Fuck off, Bryce!

BOSS: All right,
listen up, everybody.

I'd like you all to join me

in offering a hearty congratulations
to our newest senior VP.

Michelle Darnell!

Oh, my...

What? (CHUCKLING)
Oh, my God.

(STAMMERING)

I totally...

Fuck off if you
think that you can take

my client list and I
wasn't gonna notice.

You bitch.

Oh, thank you!
That's so supportive, Ron.

I couldn't have
done it without you.

Ron! Coffee!

"Ron" is gone.

End of broadcast.

(DOOR ALARM BUZZING)

MICHELLE:
It's bullshit, Marty.

I take one little
tip from an insider

and I find myself in
an absolute hellhole.

I mean, look at me,
fighting for my life in the yard.

MARTY: Well,
the news gets worse.

All your accounts have been frozen.
MICHELLE: What?

Your shareholders
have all sold off.

Renault is orchestrating
a hostile takeover

of your entire
holding company.

No.
Darnell Enterprises is bankrupt.

Can he do that?
Turn off the machine, Don.

No, he cannot.

Yes, he can.
He actually did it beautifully.

(CHOKING)

That's my Adam's apple,
you bitch!

Claire, get me
a new lawyer.

There's not gonna
be another lawyer

if you don't have
any money,

you stupid ginger!

You know what?
I'm a ginger, but I'm a natural redhead.

Not that you're
ever gonna find out.

Because you will never be
invited into my basement.

I don't wanna
see your basement!

MICHELLE: Yes, you do!

And by the way,
Claire works for me.

CLAIRE: Actually, Michelle,

I can't work for you anymore.
I got a new job.

I just came to tell
you as a courtesy.

I would think
a courtesy would be

you sticking with me through
my tough times, Claire.

I would. You know
I have a kid to think about, so...

You have a kid?

I can't tell if you're joking
because I did tell you

that I do have
a kid. And I... I am.

Remember?
Yes.

You do?
I am. I'm joking. I gotcha.

Okay.
Zinger.

MICHELLE: Hello, gal.
I wasn't into you but I was flattered.

Okay, here we go. Tom, do
you mind grabbing that bag for me?

Kimberly, I thought
you had today off.

Yeah, I knew
you were leaving.

You're sweet, Kimberly.
(CHUCKLES)

Now, you're gonna remember
what I told you?

Yes.
Okay?

Stocks are gonna
go up and down.

The big money's
in the long game.

Thank you so
much, Michelle.

Thank you, Tom.
You're so sweet.

We're actually gonna
miss you around here. (SIGHS)

Well, I would hope so!
It sounds right to me.

All right, give me
my freedom.

(BELL RINGING)

Yep, the air is
sweeter out here.

Did you set up a ride?

No, I was assuming
that a town car

or something
would be provided.

KIMBERLY:
Lock it up, Danny.

(LAUGHING)

You know, she thought
a town car was coming!

Well, could you
call a cab?

I'll get one myself.

MICHELLE: Okay, this is
my house right up here. This is good.

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

Oh, come on!

Hey!

Can you please stop
ringing the door?

Hi. Does Claire Rawlings
live here?

I don't know.

You don't know because you're
not very bright, or...

I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.
(MICHELLE CHUCKLES)

You know what?
Are you Claire's daughter?

I thought you were in jail.

Aren't you charming for yelling
that out on the street like that.

May I?

No way.

MICHELLE: Why not?

Because Mom's at work and
you're fresh out of prison.

Okay, white-collar
crime doesn't count!

Yes, it does!

No, it does not.
It does not.

Hi.
Hi.

(SNORTS)

Whoa.

Claire. Wow.

Hi, Dana.

My goodness,
you are so late.

I am?

You're right. You're
absolutely right, Dana.

I'm three minutes late.

Hey, do you work at
the excuse factory?

I wasn't making an excuse.
I was just agreeing that I was a little...

Well, I think that
you're saying

this is an
excuse factory, right?

Hey! Yo, Dana!
Hey, hey, hey.

MIKE: So, hey,
I wanted to tell you.

There is a bunch of people
gathered in the break room...

What, why?

...just raving about
your fourth-quarter review.

Who is? What?

That's why I was late.

Because we were all up there, you know,
trading our favorite Dana stories.

So it was...
It's positive...

It's good buzz?
There's a lot of good buzz?

Buzzworthy. Absolutely, yeah.
I mean, they're raving.

I have to go get coffee.
Yeah, you do. (CHUCKLING)

She's a nightmare.
She's a tool. (SIGHS)

She's so many things.

She is definitely
a lot of things.

Uh... (CHUCKLING)

Look at this, look at this!
We have so much in common, me and you.

We have a good
banter here, right?

A little back and forth.

I think maybe we should

try and keep this little
banter wagon going, right?

Maybe we can go hang out...

We can dish about the boss,
and gossip about stuff and...

You know, probably do it
over dinner or something,

'cause all that dishing
can be exhausting.

Work up an appetite.

Yeah, well, I'm...
First of all, I'm flattered.

It's a little
complicated for me.

I'm a single mom and I
really try to, you know,

devote a ton of
energy to my kid,

and see her as
much as possible.

I just don't think
that it's a good time.

Yeah, cool.

I was hoping
you would say that

because I love rejection,
so... (CHUCKLING)

Cool.
Cool.

Sorry.

(SNORING)
Michelle.

Michelle.
(GASPS)

MICHELLE: Hello.
Hi!

Hi. Hello, Claire.

Surprise!

What are you
doing here?

Oh, well, I had stopped
at our old office

and the security
gentlemen did mention

that you were now
the curator of my estate.

So, I just thought
I should pop over

and maybe
pick up my things.

Okay, I guess you wanna
come up and grab it.

Yes, absolutely.
Do you need...

If you'd like,
you can grab that trunk.

Oh, no.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, this is just...

This is...

This can't be all of it.

I mean,
this isn't all of it. This is...

Where are my things?

My paintings, or, I mean,
my Degas, my rugs, my...

Where are my things?
I'm really sorry, Michelle.

They seized everything.

This is what's left.

(SIGHS)

Martha Stewart
got everything back.

I mean, they rallied around her.
They loved her more.

Well, Michelle, know that Rachel
and I are rooting for you,

and, if you need us,
you can always call

or send a letter here,
or just a quick text.

Um, do you want me to
help you out with this?

If she doesn't have anywhere to go,
she should stay here.

Honey, she knows plenty of people.
She has plenty of places to stay.

Tito won't return
any of my calls.

My sweet Tito.

Fucking Tito.

(SIGHS)

Mom, we can't let her
sleep on the street.

Do you really not
have anywhere to go?

No. I don't.

Okay, you can
stay here.

But for a very limited
amount of time. Okay?

Yes. Just until you get
back on your feet.

All right?
MICHELLE: Yes.

CLAIRE: It's a small
space. You know.

It's tight sometimes
for Rachel and I, so...

It is really small, it's
like... It's freaky small.

Well, but you're
welcome, here.

If you need to crash,
you can have the couch.

Yes. We'll draw straws.
Okay.

It'll be a fun
kind of roommate...

It's not a negotiation.

...stuff. Okay.

Ha.

A bed inside a sofa.
That's neat.

Well, it's old,
but it's comfortable, so...

Thank you, Claire.

Good night, Michelle.

It's...

Well...

This isn't so...

(YELPING)

(GROANING)
Oh, my God! Oh, God!

Claire!

I think I've
shattered my pelvis.

(SOFT GROAN)

(GASPS) Oh, Michelle!
Oh, my God.

Claire!

Michelle, why
are you in my bed?

Because your sofa
threw me against a wall,

and I've had a cellie
for the last six months.

I find it very difficult
to sleep on my own.

Wow. Okay.
You're kicking up a lot of...

Is that from...
Is that me?

I think...
(BLOWS)

Yeah, that's me.

You know what?
I got into

a wee bit of your
Scotch last night.

And, you know
what else I tried

that I thought was
terrific, was a Dorito.

I think it was
the cheese.

I mean not a cheese found in nature,
but cheese-adjacent.

I just thought
it was wonderful.

What a wonderful chip.

(SIGHS) Michelle, you can't sleep in my bed.
I don't want you in here.

You gotta get it
together, Michelle.

I am together, okay?

This morning, I'm meeting with
a bunch of old colleagues.

I'm gonna pour this
into something

creamy and delicious,

and see who
takes a big sip.

Get out, out of my bed.

God. I see why this half
of the bed maybe is empty.

Okay? You're a real
B-I-T-C-U-N-T in the morning.

You think about that.

Michelle, you gotta
get out of the bathroom.

I'm already late for work and
Rachel's gonna be late for school.

MICHELLE: Well, I'm going
as fast as I can.

You're welcome
to come in.

Fine, but we gotta get on a
schedule if you're gonna be here...

(GASPS)
Oh, my God!

Close your robe.

No, absolutely not!

I'm self-tanning and
my legs are still wet.

I can see your vagina.

Well, congratulations
and you're welcome!

You know, I had it
rejuvenated in 2010.

They call it
a vaguvenation!

You know, it's like
a soft silk coin purse.

I can barely urinate.

Oh, my God!

Now, do me a favor

and tell me if I have
any streaks on my hamstrings.

(GASPS) Oh, God!
Put it away!

Whoa.
Put it away.

Hi, Raquel!

It's Rachel!

Go grab your
backpack, honey.

We don't need to brush our teeth today.
Our teeth are fine.

You need to wipe some of that off your face.
You know it dries darker?

No, does it?
CLAIRE: Yes.

But that's not
what the bottle says.

Oh, it's okay. It's coming off
like a dream on your towel.

CLAIRE: You need to
clean up the bathroom.

And consider staying away
from self-tanner altogether.

Your pelvic region
is the color of curry.

(WHISPERING) Namaste,
Claire. Thank you.

It's not a compliment.

Oh.

(MOANING)

BRYCE: All right, here's
a little joke for everybody.

What do golfers do
on their day off?

Putter around.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Tom, I'm gonna crunch
those numbers for you,

but I'm going to make you
pay through the teeth.

Oh.

Bryce Crean!

Oh, my God!
How long has it been?

You old son of a bitch!
It has been too long!

Terri. Hello, gentlemen. Hi...

Carl.

Oh. Look at that beard.

How's that old ball-and-chain
Pam treatin' ya? (CHUCKLING)

Pam passed away
four months ago.

(SOFTLY) That's tough.
That's tough.

We're kind of in the middle of
something here, Michelle.

So, thank you very much.

Word on the street,
Bryce, is that

you're just about to
close on that Kraft deal.

So if you want me to
head up that division...

I think I could be a pretty big
asset to you on that account.

You've got no capital
and nobody likes you.

Nobody here at
this table likes you.

Nobody at this entire club likes you.
(WHISPERING) That's not true.

Horrible, horrible
feedback from everybody.

So, thank you for
the groveling. Good bye!

Fuck off, Bryce.

Yeah. You know what?

You wouldn't even be here

if I hadn't brought you
in as a junior executive.

And, Terri, you think
anybody else

would've hired you
right out of college?

No! I don't who
the fuck you three are.

But I'll guess this.

I bet you got here
climbing on my back somehow.

Carl, I gave you
that Landis account.

I handed you your career and I'm
the one that made Pam a sales rep!

Pam is dead.

Pam was a whore!

She fucked her way through
the whole IT department.

And Terri knows it,
'cause you were in on it, too!

MICHELLE: Yeah!
CARL: The tech guys?

You think Pam did
all the tech guys?

The lowest, weirdest,
saddest guys!

That's who Pam fucked!

Go to hell, Michelle!
Go to hell!

When I get to hell,
I'll tell Pam that you said hello,

'cause she's probably down
there fucking IT guys.

Weird little guys,
carrying wires around in weird hats.

That's who she's
fucking in hell.

Yeah.

I don't need you.

I don't need you and
you're gonna be sorry.

'Cause I got
a sweet deal for you

and you're
letting it walk out.

You know, you want to be dumbasses?
Be my guest.

I'll tell you what,
you're gonna regret this.

Yow!

(GROANING)

Yow! Son of a bitch!

Holy shit!
Son of a bitch!

How'd she survive that?

BRYCE: 'Cause she's horrible.

Let's go.

MICHELLE: Mother of shite!

I dinged my pelvis again.

Ah.

(EXHALES)

Tell me everything.
Okay.

So, right off the top,
Bryce ordered a Nicoise salad

but he asked for the tuna
to be really well done.

But if it's a quality piece of tuna,
you don't wanna have it...

Not relevant.
Okay, right.

Bryce did everything
you asked him to do.

Michelle came in.
She was like,

"I wanna be in a business."

And he was like,
"No dice."

And then, she fell
down a flight of stairs.

(GASPS) Did she hurt
her wonderful body?

I have a video of it.
Do you wanna see?

MICHELLE: I'll tell you what.

Oh, look at her.
STEPHAN: Mmm-hmm.

Oh. (LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh.

DR. OZ: So you see
the normal intestine.

Now, notice the difference between
that intestine and this intestine.

I'm getting light-headed.
Is there any of that brownie left?

Yeah. I feel like my
blood sugar's dropping.

I should probably pop
it with a little sugar.

Holy shit!
That is a good brownie.

Language.

Well, I'm sorry,
you give me a holy-shit brownie.

I'm gonna say,
"Holy shit!"

'Cause holy shit,
this is a good brownie.

I can't believe...
Your mom makes these, right?

Yeah, it's a family recipe.

Hi!

I'm pretty sure Michelle
has diverticulitis.

What?
MICHELLE: I got it.

I think it's
pretty advanced, Claire.

CLAIRE: Who said that?

Doctor Oz.

MICHELLE: Look.

Oh, my God!

There's my colon again.

Okay, you need
to get off the couch

because you've been laying
down for about three weeks.

And, also, you have to start
pulling your weight around here.

We can start tonight.

You can take Rachel
to her Dandelions meeting.

What?
Why aren't you taking me?

Sweetie, I can't.

My boss, who is a massive fan of yours,
by the way,

has decided I need to go
back in for the evening.

CLAIRE: Okay?
(CLAPS HANDS)

Let's go! The most important part of
the plan being "get off the couch."

I don't think I
like sassy Claire.

MICHELLE: All right. I want you to
give me the lowdown on this meeting.

What are my opportunities?
What are my pitfalls?

RACHEL: What do you mean?

MICHELLE: Well, I want to know
what I'm walking into.

RACHEL: Oh,
everyone's pretty nice.

I forgot how many people ride the "L."
It's kind of fascinating.

Some people depend on this.
Like, they don't have a car.

Well, I know that.

MICHELLE: Roller-skating
or roller-blading?

Roller-blading.

Honey or agave nectar?

Agave.
No, they're both terrible.

Cell phone, landline?

What?
Oh, God.

Do you not know
what that means?

No.
(SIGHS) Oh, Jesus.

MICHELLE: Okay, this
should be interesting.

Ladies, big news.
Great news.

Marsha Swan's tabby cat,
Spaghetti, is on the mend

and expected to
make a full recovery.

Yay, Spaghetti!

Yay!

My daughter, Beth,
was so worried about Spaghetti.

Thank goodness she's
back on her feet.

Funny fact about Spaghetti,
she hates spaghetti.

You seem fucking
crazy to me.

Excuse me?

Cute as a daisy to me.
(GIGGLING)

SANDY: Okay, now,
not to sound too kookie,

but let's talk
"cookie" sales, that is.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Okay, so this year,
we came in with $21,000.

Pretty good job, big bucks.

But Detroit is still in the lead
for the year with $189,000.

Can I just ask you,
are these numbers

you're talking about
just cookie sales?

And, if so, how many troupes
are we talking about here?

There are 3.2 million
Dandelions all over the world

blown across the earth,
making a difference.

Is this global?

Wait, I recognize you.
You're Michelle Darnell.

Please, don't make a fuss.

Oh, I'm gonna
make a fuss.

You're a convicted felon sitting
in a room full of children.

You're a criminal.

It was white-collar crime.

Okay, you don't
have to defend me.

You're such
a loser.

I'm sorry,
what did he say?

What?

SANDY: Well, I would...
(WHISPERING) Yeah.

Excuse me. Hi.

MICHELLE: I gotta ask you.

Now are we talking part-time
or full-time employees here?

Nope, just happy volunteers.

What?

For your information,
jailbird...

She seems great.

The Dandelions helps girls
build leadership skills.

It looks good on their
high-school transcript

and they are bettering
their community,

which is more than
I can say for you.

A-ha. What is your name?

Helen Kreagan.

Oh, you know what? I think you
dropped something right here.

You go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.

(WHISPERING)
Go fuck yourself.

I don't think you know
who you're talking to.

I think I do.
And I think I want you to fuck off.

I don't think you do.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my gosh!

Can we just take a minute and
give congrats to Sarah, here?

Thank you.
It's Sandy. It's Sandy.

Or Sandy.
I like Sarah.

Whatever, either one.

I gotta know how much
are you selling these boxes for?

SANDY: Girls.
GROUP: $7.

MICHELLE: $7?

Ka-ching, right?

I got a guy in Shanghai who can make
this same box of cookies, 19 cents.

This is an official meeting
and you're interrupting it.

Let's take a poll,
show of hands.

Who finds Helen
to be a bummer?

MICHELLE: Lots of hands.
Oh, Helen.

Toot. (CHUCKLING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Do something, Mom.

I object to parolees
attending our meetings

and I'd like to put
that in the minutes.

May I?

Let me just handle this.

Another great point
by Helen.

You know what, Helen?

If you don't get
off my fucking back,

I'm gonna shove a box of chocolate
clusters up that tight ass of yours.

(GASPING)

(GASPING) Oh.

I would love
to go to lunch.

You're on. You got yourself a date.
That sounds terrific, okay?

MICHELLE: Sandy,
I love that kerchief.

(SOFTLY) Was that necessary?

Super necessary.
Yeah.

(METAL RATTLING)

(MICHELLE CHATTERING)

CLAIRE: Michelle?

Hi!
What are you doing?

What is all this?

This is my way
back, m'kay?

You are looking
at Darnell 2.0.

I wondered when
you were getting up.

Have you not
gone to bed yet?

No, I have been
up and percolating

since 11:00 p.m.
last night.

Just great stuff, Claire!
Okay.

You're having a breakdown.

No, no, no!
I'm having a breakthrough, because of you.

Sit down,
I gotta show you this.

Let me introduce you
to my new golden goose...

Darnell's Darlings.

Rough sketches.

So, I know.
Those will be perfected.

But, really, tell me,
what's your initial thoughts?

Stalin.
Okay.

Communist youth.
All right!

Japanese-y black power?

My takeaway from
that is "powerful."

Powerful imagery and I'll take
that any day of the week.

Why are you up?

Sit down, sleepyhead.
Let's wake it up.

Claire, we're gonna
start a brownie company.

No, we're gonna
start a brownie empire.

Okay? And we're gonna call it
Darnell's Darlings.

Illinois alone has
25,000 Dandelions.

They're pulling in,
in one year, $32,500,000.

This is a global company.

The Dandelions are making
a billion dollars a year.

Is that going in your pocket?
Helen's probably pocketing it.

I mean, that horrible
bitch would take teeth

right out of a kid.
Am I wrong?

If she could sell teeth,
she'd rip kids' teeth out.

I'm gonna let it go,
but Helen's horrible.

The Dandelions are
a non-profit, Michelle.

That money goes back into
great programs for the girls.

MICHELLE: Oh, great programs?
That's interesting.

Rachel, do me a favor.

Tell your mom what was the last
"great program" you completed.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Scout leader Sandy gave me a
"Social Butterfly" badge.

That's great!

Tell her what a
"Social Butterfly" badge is.

I had to hold a conversation with
a new person for 30 minutes...

Okay.
...and demonstrate

how to be
a good hostess.

Next week, I'm thinking
maybe they'll arrange marriages.

I'll tell you what,
I'm gonna design

a special new badge
for the Dandelions.

It's gonna be a real big one,
so no one misses it.

And I'm gonna make it
a picture of a woman.

A real sad woman with apron strings on,
bent over in front of an oven.

And it's gonna say,
"You know why

"we like vaginas
better than your mouth?

"Because they don't have
teeth and they don't talk."

And you could turn that badge
over and you're gonna realize

that there's a man in the oven
and she's giving him a blowjob.

Good luck earning that!

Michelle!

I heard everything anyways.

These girls are gonna
earn some real money

that can go
towards a college fund,

give them empowerment,
give them a good sense of self.

I find that exciting, Claire.

It's a nice idea, Michelle,

but it's also a crazy one.

Claire, I want you
to listen to me.

You have an amazing product.

You make a mind-blowing brownie.
Okay.

And I can sell anything I believe in,
and I believe in your product.

We can be partners.
Not my assistant. Fifty-fifty.

That's how much I believe in this.
What do you say?

I have to keep
my job, Michelle.

This is...
It's just too risky.

(SIGHS) Come on.

You don't even
like your job, Mom.

Oh, that was
beautiful timing.

I didn't even set that up.

You know what, Claire?
Keep your terrible job.

Do this on the side.

Okay? Plus,
it's gonna get me off your couch.

I'm in.

You're in?
CLAIRE: Mmm-hmm.

Let's do it, people!

Okay, Rachel,
you go get dressed.

I'm gonna take you to school.
We're gonna get some new recruits!

(YAWNS) It's 4:00 a.m.
I'm going back to bed.

Night, sweetie.

What? Okay, you know what?

You get your rest,
you're gonna need it!

We gotta recruit some
Darnell Darlings today!

Claire, my quarterback,

I need you to bust
ass into that kitchen

and start making pan after
pan after pan of brownies,

'cause that's how fast
I'm gonna sell 'em, okay?

Right now?
Right now! All right?

I may have tried to
preheat that oven,

so I think there's
a little bit of a gas leak.

Huh? If you think
about it, it may be

why you guys are
feeling a little logy.

Hey, Rach, you know what?
Don't go to sleep! Don't go to sleep!

Oh, my God!

MICHELLE: Okay. We may
have to walk her.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Ah. You know what?

It feels good to kind of put the
shine and polish back on again.

People say it doesn't
matter, but it does.

Puts a little kick in your step.
(MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING)

Who is that beast?

That's Chrystal Delveccio.

She's always
getting into fist fights.

Later, Dad.
MICHELLE: That's perfect.

That is exactly the kind
of gal we want to recruit.

You know what?
Another little tip.

Look for girls that are named
after precious stones.

Topaz, Sapphire,
Opal, Amber.

They're all gonna
spiral down.

We want to get 'em when they're
angry and fresh going in.

Why don't you check out
Chrystal's availability?

Got it.

My mom never lets
me drink coffee.

Really, why?

She says it'll
stunt your growth.

That's not true.
That's crazy.

What, do you wanna
be freakishly tall?

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

All right. Get in there,
drum up some good recruits.

(GASPS) I feel kind of
sweaty and scared.

That's just the coffee kickin' in.
It's good for...

Oh, you know what?
Wait a minute, let me see something.

Oh, I may have
switched them.

This one's yours. I put a little
splash of bourbon in mine.

That's okay.

It's kind of
a secret weapon.

It's what makes
the Irish so mean.

And I can say that
'cause I'm Scottish!

Go get 'em!

SANDY: And so, due to some
unforeseen complications,

and just, um...

Giving up...

Spaghetti passed
away last night.

Listen up,
motherfuckers!

Michelle, language!

Who here wants
to hear about

an un-freaking-believably
exciting opportunity?

Huh?

All right! Woo!
Look at this group!

All right. What's with
all the long faces?

Did somebody die?
(CHUCKLING)

Yeah. Spaghetti
died last night.

Who is Spaghetti?

The cat.

The cat? Oh.
Can I be honest?

That cat probably
killed himself

because his name
was "Spaghetti."

Right? Hey-oh!

Michelle.
MICHELLE: Oh...

All right, okay.
Why don't you take off, Sandy?

It's my meeting
and I'm...

Okay.

Go catch it. Go catch it.

Really sorry
about your loss.

MICHELLE: As you already know,
my name is Michelle Darnell

and this is my partner.

And by "partner," I don't mean like
girl-on-girl kind of stuff.

Whoa!
What's "girl-on-girl stuff"?

Uh, well, great question.
I love an inquisitive mind.

Girl-on-girl stuff is
really just referring to

something you're probably
gonna dabble with in college,

but not stick
with, you know?

Let's not...
Don't tell her that.

Unless you're Hannah.

Hannah, you're gonna stick with it.
(GIGGLING)

Don't... You know
what? Let's...

And I got a hunch that your
mom should've stuck with it.

She wouldn't be so
pent-up and angry.

MICHELLE: That's my hunch.

CLAIRE: Let's change
the subject.

We brought you guys some delicious
homemade brownie treats.

Ooh. Look at this!
We brought treats, everybody! Treats!

Let me ask you
one question.

When you sell a box of cookies,
what do you get?

You get points that can
apply to your canoe trip.

Wrong, you get
a big plate of bullshit!

That is 100% right,
you beautiful giant!

Now, at Darnell's Darlings,
we don't think that's right.

We think if you go out
and sell a box of cookies,

we should give
you 5% commission.

5% commission,
every box you sell.

It was supposed
to be 10%, I think.

That's right, we did say that.
Yeah.

So far, you suck at this.
Just letting you know that.

Okay, it's 10%.

You come work with us,
you get a share of the profits.

Okay. Or you can stay here!

Be my guest and,
I don't know, build some

dirty badger nests
in some kind of tree.

Or what did you
have planned, Sandy?

Well, actually, we were gonna build
a dirty badger nest in a tree.

My God.

My God! And I was
making that up.

I was trying to think of the worst
possible scenario on Earth.

What the hell is
going on in here?

I leave the room for one minute
to talk to my landscaper

and the meeting
goes into the toilet?

Sorry, Helen,
we're almost done.

Okay, you guys, the best part
about Darnell's Darlings

is that, for each
box sold, an extra 10%

will go into a college fund for you.
Okay?

We are gonna help you save
for your college education.

Wait, are you trying to poach
girls from a Dandelions meeting?

No!

Helen, we are not
trying to poach girls.

We are actively and definitely
poaching girls from this meeting.

HELEN: Get your hands off me.

Fuck you, Helen!
You fuck you!

Tell your little
shitty daughter,

never talk to
Rachel like that again.

Let's um, go, girls.
MICHELLE: Okay, girls!

Whoever wants to go to the
fun room, come on with me!

Just down the hall. The bigger,
the better room. We got foosball!

Okay. And I promise,
no Helen!

Bye, Helen!
Good luck with your product!

Oh, man.

I mean, what is
it, anyway?

It looks like just a bunch of homemade,
gluten-filled, sugar-filled,

diabetes cake.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

HELEN: With chocolate!

Oh, my God.

It's good.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

MICHELLE: Now,
what are we doing?

GROUP: Selling brownies!

Okay, what do we say if
somebody doesn't want to buy?

"Buy my brownies
or I'll kill you."

Don't say
that, Chrystal.

Say that.
That's perfect.

All right,
now go make some money!

Woo!

MICHELLE: The van
leaves at 7:00!

If you're not back,
we will leave without you!

No, we're not gonna leave.
Nobody's leaving you.

We're leaving
at 7:00 sharp.

MICHELLE: 7:00!
CLAIRE: The van'll be here.

I didn't count
how many there were.

I did. Whew.
Oh, good.

(SOBBING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Okay, these are cut
and cooled. Bag 'em.

Michelle, are you helping?

Yes, of course,
I'm helping.

By the way, don't give him
anymore freebies, okay?

He's gotta pay for them,
just like everybody else.

Oh, they're so good!

There you are. All set.

Don't forget the tip.

Now, how could I?
You're so big.

You've said it so many times.
And, there, you got it.

Hi, do you have money?

Hey!

There ain't gonna be any
brownies left in the world.

Get outta here.
Go sell brownies!

(CHUCKLING)

Okay.
Hello, Bonnie!

Look at this.
Patrice, take that.

Take that and
buy me something!

I'm just kidding,
but if you want to...

Remember, girls, when the houses
are nice, we double the price.

Rich people don't
trust affordable snacks.

You know what? Let's go up to $10 a box.
HELEN: Hey!

What do you
think you're doing?

MICHELLE: Hi, Helen!

We're participating
in the American Dream.

Not on this street,
you're not.

This is
Dandelion territory.

It's okay,
Helen, we'll just...

HELEN: Shut up, Sandy!
Okay.

You guys are losers!

Hey, suck
my dick, Gigantor!

(ALL GASPING)
You're fucking dead!

Hannah, stop it!

HELEN: We are not gonna
behave like this!

Michelle.

A word?

MICHELLE: I'd be delighted.

First rule of business, pretend to
negotiate and then take what you want.

Listen, jailbird.

You think because
you used to be someone

that the rules
don't apply to you

and your pathetic
band of rejects?

Well, you're wrong, bitch.

Ugh. Helen!

You got a case of
the old trench-mouth.

Did you let a corpse
curl up and die in there?

RACHEL: Forget it, Michelle.

Let's just start on the next block.
MICHELLE: No, no, no.

Second rule of business is when a stanky,
hummus-eating bitch

and her yeti of a daughter
gets in your face,

you gotta regulate.

Hannah, give me some space.

(ALL GASPING)

(CHUCKLING)

Oh.

How'd that taste?
Nice.

(GROANING)

Chomp on that!

(DARLINGS CHEERING)

(GRUNTING)

Let's get 'em!

(ALL CLAMORING)

They're animals!
They're animals!

Rachel's not done!

Rachel's thirsty for more!

Yeah!

Hey, Chrystal!
I'm coming for you!

Bring it on!

Oh, no, you don't!
You're not going anywhere!

Do you understand me?
Dandelions never leave a street fight!

God damn it, Helen!

We're gonna wipe the floor!

Sandy, why?

'Cause I'm
the leader, dang it!

You're a traitor!
SANDY: No.

Move! That bitch is mine!

Wait. No!

Hey, time to put the cookies
back in the cookie jar, Helen!

BOTH: Ooh. I warned you, Helen!
I warned you!

Those clusters
are scratching me!

Good! Darlings!

Let's go!

Stay down!

Don't tell your mom.
Okay.

(PANTING)
This was great.

Ooh!

That batch is burnt!

Bye.

One of 'em's in me.

MICHELLE: Hi, is
there a Claire here?

Is Claire...

Hi! Where is Claire?

Section 509,
but return on investment...

Ugh, ugh.

Oh.

Look at you, in the middle of everything...
I'll call you back.

In a bullpen.

What are you doing here?

We're out of brownies.
We need you to make more.

Well, I'm at work!

Uh, hi, there!
Hey! You're Michelle Darnell.

Of course I am.
(LAUGHS) Yes, you are.

Mike, this is Michelle.
Michelle, Mike.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Ah...

"Mike" Mike.

Oh. Rejected Mike.

The rejected Mike?
Don't...

You know, he is kind of cute.
I think you should toss him a pity date.

MIKE: I don't need the pity,

but I will take the date
if that's out there.

If that's an option.

Pity's all you've got.
Pity's your best friend.

Okay. Good to know.
Okay.

Just stop talking to him, okay?
Leave him alone.

DANA: What is
going on here?

(STAMMERING) Oh, my...
Greatest. Okay.

You are Michelle Darnell.

Guilty as charged.

Oh, wow. I have
two personal heroes in my life,

and I am staring at
one of them right now.

Oh, no. No touching.
No.

Curious to know
who the other one is.

It's Benedict Cumberbatch,
and you.

Huh. I did not peg you
for a "Cumbersnatch."

That's me. Cumbersnatch.

You seem like
a real Cumbersnatch.

Well, thank you so,
so much.

You're welcome. Oh...

Thank you.
Great encounter.

It's always fun.
And I think I'm done with you.

Absolutely.
And, madam, it was an honor.

Off you go!
And here I am, okay.

MICHELLE: Strange girl.

Okay.

Claire, if this company is going to work,
I need you full time.

I can't have you here.

Are you in or are you out?

I can't just leave my job!

I mean, I have to
have a steady income.

I have Rachel
to think about.

No, no, no.
This is for Rachel. Okay?

If this works out the way I
know it's going to work out,

it's gonna set
you two up for life.

We're already
making enough money

to pay your rent
and all your bills,

and I'm just about to put a very big
fish on the hook as our investor.

This is what I do.

Okay? You know that.

You have to trust me.

I do hate this job.

I mean, it's a terrible job.

My God. I mean,
look at him.

He's slumped over, asleep.
I hope he's asleep.

You don't want
to be that guy.

What do you say?

Okay.

Yes. I'm all in.

Dana, I quit.

I'm gonna start my
own business, okay?

I have my own business.
Yes, she does.

Guys, it was lovely here.

Not really, but I hope you all
have a wonderful day.

Mike, would you still
like to go on that date?

Uh, yes, I would.

I'm free tomorrow at 7:30.
Bring your A-game.

Tracy? Wake up! I'm out!

MICHELLE: Wake it up, Tracy!

No.
No.

No, thank you.
I'm so...

Ooh. No.
I'm very flattered.

Seems like a good night for
sexual activity, Claire.

(CHUCKLES)

How long has it been since
you've had sexual activity?

Stop yelling "sexual activity."
'Cause Rachel might hear you.

You know, you're
the one that's yelling

"sexual activity"
out in the hallway.

Just answer
the question, Claire.

I don't know.

If I had to guess,

maybe four, five,
six years?

What? Oh, my God.
Did you take a vow?

It's very hard to
find a good sitter.

Okay. We'll go
with that. I just...

I'm gonna say,
it probably doesn't help

that you're dressed like
you grocery-shop at a CVS.

What?

I love this sweater.

I don't know
why you would.

This sweater goes with everything.
It's a neutral.

It doesn't go with you or your skin,
or your face.

That sweater is the equivalent
of a sandwich board

that just says,
"I give up."

And then in the back,
it says, "I never started tryin'."

It somewhat
looks like you have

sewn together two very long,
sad tube socks and then filled each end

with wet sand and rocks.

What are you
talking about?

It just looks like
two basset hounds

may have cried
themselves to death

in your sweater.

I like it.
I think this looks great.

Can I...
(GASPS)

Michelle!
Well...

You are...
I had to check.

I didn't know
what was in there.

You're making me feel very
insecure right before my date.

Don't!

If your breasts
could speak right now,

I think they'd be
saying, "Claire,

"please don't zip me
up in your jeans."

That is...
You're gonna zip a nipple.

That's not what
they'd say.

May I adjust your strap?

'Cause I'm trying to help you, Claire.
(SIGHS)

You say, "Be more helpful."
And I'm trying to be helpful.

You can tighten
the strap.

Okay. What...

Just a little,
'cause I want it...

What is that toggle?

Oh, it's a nursing bra.

Oh, my God.
Are you still nursing Rachel?

No, it's from when she was a baby.
But it's very comfortable.

That's not
comfortable to see.

Now, let me see this.

It's very often a fit issue.
(EXHALES)

Why do these
have so much pull?

All right, well...
(GASPS)

Claire! It's
like Geppetto!

Look at that. Look at this.
It's like, "Horses, horses."

It's like I'm...
Oh, my God.

Okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay!

It feels good.
I need to be comfortable.

It doesn't feel
good to my eyes.

Can I just put 'em
where they're supposed to be?

And I want you to be able
to see the difference.

You got "Happy girl",
and then, uh-oh.

They just drop out.

And I should not be
able to separate...

Okay. All right.
They're heavier, but...

So how do you like it when I just
get in there and bang around?

I love it.
Why is there not...

Oh, there's no give.

Look at that.
I can't even feel that.

That's when
you know...

I don't feel it, okay?
100% silicone.

And not the kind that's supposed
to ever be inside the body.

(SNORTING)
I know. They're fantastic.

That's something else.

Might feel that.

That's my nipple.

Yeah, they're up here,
where they should be. Oh, my God.

No, see, you need
to bring 'em down.

No! They can't,
anyway, no.

That's what you need to do.
They're too high, Michelle.

There's a structure. Stop.
No.

If we were...
You need to...

Look, just take 'em a little bit lower.
Oh, my God.

How about that?
I paid a fortune for these.

No, I'm gonna bring 'em...
I'm keepin' 'em up!

Just gonna push
'em right down.

I'm trying to
help you not...

What're you guys doing?

Hey, there!

We're just... There was a...
Probably a...

I was...
Bugs.

We were jostling
each other's bosoms like...

Gals do.

No, we weren't.

I was just trying to help your mom
here get ready for her big date.

I'm a little nervous.
She's a little bit nervous.

Always gotta stretch your
boobs when you're nervous.

RACHEL: You should change.

That's your
TV-watching sweater.

Thank you.

Okay. Thank you for that.

Okay, well, we're
gonna leave you to it.

You can treat yourself
to a little underwire

and something that doesn't
look like you sell ceramics.

Let's go watch a movie.
I'm babysitting.

Have you seen Texas
Chainsaw Massacre? No.

I'm kidding!
I'm not kidding.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(SIGHS)

Hi.

Hi. Oh, my God.
You look gorgeous.

I'm wearing a bra,
a new bra. It's not new.

It's old. I just haven't
worn it in a while.

Hey, you know what,
I went with an old bra tonight, too, so...

Let's get a table.

Absolutely.

I wanted to tell you earlier actually,
on a serious note.

When you walked out the
other day from work,

quite dramatically,
I might add,

six other people quit.

What?
Mmm-hmm. They just walked out.

Oh, my God.
I know, right?

I started a chain reaction.

You started
a huge chain reaction.

Six people walked out

and then immediately three
people walked back inside.

I think they were
outside smoking.

But it was like you
were a cult leader.

It was like a tremendous
show of support.

It was, like,
very inspiring.

Really?
Yeah, really.

Do you find that
hard to believe?

That I'm tremendously inspiring?
Yeah.

Yeah, a bit.
Really?

Well, let me tell
you something, lady.

You are more than
a little inspiring.

I have been talking
ad nauseam here.

Can you, uh, grab
the mic for a sec?

Well, I, um...

I got knocked up in
grad school by my TA.

When he found
out I was pregnant,

he pretended like we
didn't know each other.

What?
Then gave me a "D."

What?
Yeah, nice surprise.

Yeah.

But I got a great
kid out of it.

I bet you're a great mom.

I try.

I mean, unless she is currently
unsupervised. Then you're a horrible mom.

No, she's with Michelle.

She's with Michelle?
Yes.

She's your felon babysitter.

(LAUGHING)
Oh! Oh, my God!

Rachel,
it's the goriest part!

It's the goriest part.
You're missing it!

Oh, my God.
He's killing her with a chainsaw.

Oh.

I have a felon
watching my child.

That just occurred
to you, didn't it?

Yes, it did.
Yeah.

It's good thing I'm here.
Let's have some more wine.

Absolutely, yeah.
Hey, excuse me.

Hi. Do you think maybe we could get
two more glasses of the...

No. Hold on.

Bring us a bottle of
whatever the lady would like

in the twenty-five to
twenty-eight dollar range.

Sure, I'll send somebody to Walgreens
to get you something nice.

Cool. You guys do that?
What's with that?

(LAUGHING)
Oh, my God!

Is that like a really
cheap bottle of wine?

IDA: You got a lot of balls
showing up here, Darnell.

Listen, Ida, I know you're still mad at me,
and I don't blame you.

I shouldn't have cut you
out of that Emerson deal.

But if it makes it
any better,

I made a blinding amount
of money on that deal.

You know the first time I saw you?
Twenty-three years old.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
I knew right away,

you were a tough,
money-hungry,

self-serving,
see-you-next-Tuesday gal

just like me.

And that's why I decided to mentor you.
Just let you get too close.

I started to think
of you as family.

Well, families are
for suckers, right?

That's for sure.

What do you
want, Michelle?

I need an investor.

Oh, for your little
brownie venture?

How do you even
know about that?

Because I'm Ida Marquette.
I know everything.

Here.

Come on, Ida.

I'm sure you got quite an overhead
on this glue factory here.

Do you want in or not?
You know,

I once made love
on a pool table

in Hot Coffee,
Mississippi

with six members of the
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Are you stroking out?

What does this
have to do with

what we're talking
about right now?

The point is, Darnell,
I have very few regrets in my life.

But you...
You were my best protégée.

Tell you what.

I'll back you, if this checks out.
Just for old times' sake.

Okay.

If you'll
excuse me, Shawshank,

I'm late for
my morning ride.

IDA: Yes!

Okay.

You better make me
a shitload of money.

Away, Butters!

(HORSE WHINNYING)

MICHELLE: Come on!
Eat up, ladies.

This is a celebratory dinner.

We got our investor.

Okay. Here we go.

Hoo-hoo-hoo.

Look at this!

What is this?

Well, I feel it's time you
become more adventurous.

(CHUCKLING)

RACHEL: Thank God! Pizza!

I know you
don't like sushi.

Thank you, Michelle!
I'm starving.

And fugu for the lady.

MICHELLE: Thank you, Ping.
Fugu?

(EXHALES)

The infamous pufferfish.

When prepared incorrectly,
it can lead to paralysis or even death.

But when it is
prepared correctly,

it is like a volcano
erupting in my mouth.

Let's hope for
the second. (SLURPING)

(CHUCKLES)

(MICHELLE MOANING)

Oh, this is nice.
Get in here, guys.

I don't wanna
hog it all.

Michelle, are you all right?

When it's this perfect,
it takes you to the brink of paralysis.

And then, at the last minute,
it just lets you go.

Three, two...

Uh-oh.

(MICHELLE GROANING)

Michelle?

MICHELLE: Whoo.
That's a very risky dish.

Oh, God.
How long was I out?

Are you serious?
Like 10 seconds.

Yeah.

It's a personal best.

I was thinking
about having more.

CLAIRE: All right,
I think everybody's done with the fugu.

I'm gonna tea it out, just for a second.
Yeah.

I made you something.

What?

I mean, I thought I
should give it to you now

'cause you keep eating
things that almost kill you.

(MICHELLE CHUCKLING)

I made the frame
at school.

It's a nice frame, Rachel.
You did a good job.

Thanks.

When I look at the picture,
I just think we're like a weird family.

Okay. Ah.

Family? That's
a little heavy-handed.

I think, you know,
I'm not much into labeling.

You say "family",
and we don't look alike.

I mean, I'm not even sure
that you two look alike.

We'll have to do a blood
test on you for that.

You know, it's funny, looking at this,
I think what day is this?

'Cause I'm pretty
sure I have a...

I have a previously
scheduled thing.

I don't know what
I was... You know.

Do what you do.
I'm gonna do what I do.

I'll take care of
the check.

I just...

What was that about?

(SIGHS) I don't know,
sweetie. I don't know.

Hi! Sorry, baby.
Michelle was supposed to pick you up.

I know. I texted her
like 500,000 times.

All of her
stuff is gone.

"Thank you for letting me stay
in your home. Sincerely, MD.

"P.S. I won't
miss your couch."

That's impersonal.

A bit.

I shouldn't have given
her that picture of us.

Sweetie, she
loved your picture.

No, come on. She left because
it was her time to leave.

Michelle is a redhead
and a Scorpio.

It's a very
impulsive combo.

These little bites of goodness
are puttin' kids in college...

Yes.

...are giving young women in
this country a business plan

and the thought in their head of like,
"Yes, I can."

Is she picking up?

And if you buy four sets, you get
this adorable wagon. (CLEARS THROAT)

No. It's her voicemail.

I got 'em! I got 'em!

(INHALES DEEPLY)

These are going
to be huge.

How does she
do it? I want in.

More milk.

No, I'm feeling reckless.
I want to do it myself this time.

Ah.

Good job.

CLAIRE: It's just, a little common
courtesy would be nice, you know?

If she ever returned
my calls,

I would know about these press
days in the middle of nowhere.

Mom, look!

RENAULT:
Congratulations, Claire.

Honey, why don't you,
um, go on inside,

just look both ways
before you cross, okay?

Okay.

What're you doing here?

Looks like you and Michelle have built
yourself quite a little empire.

What do you want?

I want to take what
Michelle Darnell has built.

I want her to realize
that I have taken it away.

And when she realizes it, when that
moment of realization crosses her face,

and she realizes that I
have realized it as well...

I've lost my
train of thought.

Yeah, I'm not following.

I want the fucking
company, Claire.

(INHALES DEEPLY)
It's only a matter of time

before Michelle Darnell
screws you over.

MICHELLE: So get in there.

I see you eyein'
those brownies.

Let's have some bites.
Go ahead.

They're not gonna
bite you.

You're gonna bite
them. (CHUCKLES)

Let's get
a shot of those.

Huh, pretty good
stuff, right?

Oh, my God.

MICHELLE: Oh, amazing!

This is Chrystal.
It's one of the Darnell originals.

She's a giant. Huh?

I mean, I'm not a doctor,
but I have eyes.

(CHUCKLES) Isn't that fun?
Come on with me.

I got a surprise
for all of you guys... (SIGHS)

I think you're gonna
be very excited about.

I'd like to present the new
Darnell Darlings' mascot!

Hit it!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Take some
snaps of this. I know you want to.

MICHELLE: It's a phoenix.

Michelle.

You get in there.
I know you're not shy.

What is this?

It's a phoenix, Claire.
It's my totem animal.

Okay. So you leased a commercial
kitchen without telling me?

Yes. I'm kind of waiting for a,
"Thank you, Michelle!"

Wow, um. I'm having a hard time
with the "thank you"

because you also hired all of these
people without consulting me.

I do know that you've been
complaining pretty consistently

about having to do all the baking
and doing it at your house.

I fixed all that for ya.

And you're more
mad than ever.

I don't get it, Claire.
You didn't...

Michelle, you didn't consult
me on any of this, okay?

I see a bunch of press.

One of us, not you,
got the press here.

Right. Okay.

Well, maybe they
should know that

the new and
improved Michelle Darnell

is just as self-centered and egotistical
as the old Michelle Darnell.

Really? Do you wanna do this?
Sure!

'Cause I would love to do this.
Great.

You follow me.

I will follow you,
from the front.

No, not from the front.
From the back! Yes!

Don't put your
arm in front of me!

You can't tell
me what to do!

You're not my
boss anymore!

We are partners, 50-50,

and you can't make decisions
without telling me!

We are not
partners, Claire!

I am a successful
businesswoman.

You are a lonely woman who can
make a halfway decent brownie!

And we all have our little secrets,
Claire. Right?

You double-crossing,
hand-holding, sneaky little rat!

What are you
talking about?

God, I can't believe
I helped you!

I took you in
off the street, okay?

When no one else would.

You are such a cliché.

Okay? You're
getting close to people

so now you have
to push them away.

Okay, don't analyze
me, Dr. Phil!

Why're you guys
doing this?

Rachel, you know what,
just go inside, honey.

No! No! You do not tell
my daughter what to do.

And you know what?
Don't ever speak to her again.

Mom, why would
you say that?

It's fine, Rachel, just...
Girls, go inside! Now!

You know what?
I don't need this.

I don't need that.

I don't need any of it.

Let's see how far your
brownie recipe takes you.

I'm cutting you
loose and sailin' off!

I don't need you two
weighing me down!

Rachel!

Rachel?

You're the only one that's
gonna take care of you.

The only one.

STEPHAN: Excuse me,
you can't just go in there!

Watch me.

Hi, Ronald!

Ooh, I like your
new bitches.

I saw you sniffing
around my bakery.

You looking to get into
the brownie business?

Why? Are you looking
to sell your business?

Why not?

I have no personal stakes in it.
It's just business to me.

And you've always liked
collecting my things.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(LOW GRUNT)

Okay. And since this one's
coconut macadamia,

if you have a nut allergy,
I don't want you anywhere near...

When's Michelle
coming back?

I don't know, Chrystal.

She's like our leader.

My mom's gonna
run this place.

Yes, I will be
running the business

until Michelle
comes back, or...

STEPHAN: Knock, knock.
Hi, it's Stephan!

Hi! I have a message from the new
owner of Darnell's Darlings,

Mr. Renault.

Uh, sorry, I think
there's a mistake.

I'm one of
the owners here.

This is an eviction notice.

She sold us out?

How could she do that?

Oh, she just did it.

Okay, let's kick
this guy's ass!

Hey, shit brains!

Chrystal!

Protect me. Protect me.

This is not cowardice.
She's very tall!

Really wish you'd
let me kick his ass.

You know what?
It was a good business decision.

Don't start feelin'
bad about good...

(SIGHS)

Good decisions.

Why would Michelle
do that to us?

I just don't get it.

(SOBBING)

(CLAIRE SIGHS)

Well, you know, sweetie,
Michelle has got a lot of baggage.

She's an asshole.

Language.

Sorry.

But you're right.
She is an asshole.

Darnell, you are
a real asshole.

(GRUNTS)

Piece of shit.

(SNIFFLES)

After the match I told Kent,
"I'd put my family fortune

"up against anybody's."

(BOTH LAUGHING)

This should really
just take a minute.

Normally, I wouldn't
just drop in.

Oh... Oh, sorry.

Michelle, what a surprise.

Family, this is
Michelle Darnell.

She's making me
a bunch of money.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Why don't you join us?

No, no, actually, I was just hoping
to talk to you for a minute.

Oh, of course.

No hurry, Mother.

Okay, I got it.

Continue eating that delicious spring
lamb you heard screaming this morning.

(SIGHS)

I sold the company
to Renault last night.

Or Ronald or whatever
name he's going by now.

Whoa, sweet baby Jesus.
Yeah.

You know, we went
to get sushi once

and he tried to speak
Japanese to the waitress.

I swear, some of the words
were Spanish.

But, you know,
he's gonna sell it off.

Whew, I'm gonna
make a mint.

Yeah, you probably will.

And I did it just like
you taught me.

I took nothing, made it
into something

and didn't let anybody
weigh me down,

and got out of there
when the money was right.

Perfect, kill or be killed.

Take that money and run.

You know, I kinda...

I think I kinda
lost my friend

and hurt a bunch
of kids in the process.

Who the fuck cares?
We're gonna make a shit load.

We're gonna make
a million shit loads.

(LAUGHING IN DISTANCE)

I dunno what I'm doing. I'm keeping
you from dinner with your family.

Come on, that's not
my family.

Those are actors. I hire actors every
once in a while to play my family.

My family is bonkers.

All I want is money.

Money, money, money.
Ida "Money" Marquette.

Grandpa Joe... Joe.

Psst, Joe!

You have a fake family.

I've been taking advice
from you for 20 years.

And you hire and spend
the night with a fake family.

I try to get better
actors, but I just...

Bennett is unresponsive.
The actor who plays Grandpa Joe.

He's always
playing possum.

This man needs
medical attention, stat!

Is that a line
from one of your soaps?

Yes.

Joe? Oh, crap.

(YELLS) Joe!

He's not getting
paid for this.

Holy shit.

Joe!

CLAIRE: I know
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna sue the pants off her.
Oh...

No, I'm not because she'll
throw too many lawyers at me

and she's
a shark in court.

Yeah. This is a test.

You want me to kill her
with this bagel knife.

And I'll do it.
(CHUCKLES)

To pledge my allegiance to you,
milady, I'll do it.

No. Thank you.

Ooh, you guys
are kissing.

Heya, Rachel! Hi. How are you?
Hi.

Did you sleep over?
CLAIRE: Oh, God, no.

What, have
a sleepover here? Ew.

No, he didn't. (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Yuck!
No, that would be terrible.

I don't know
about "yuck".

I don't mean "yuck."
I meant...

CLAIRE: Don't know if it'll...
MIKE: I mean...

It could be nice.
Might be nice.

It's nice for people to spend the night.
We don't know yet.

We don't know yet.
We don't know yet.

Would you please grab
some more garbage bags?

We have a
lot of trash.

Yeah.

Why did I make
that so weird?

It's fine.
Didn't have to.

Didn't have to
make it that weird. (GASPS)

Holy shit!
CLAIRE: Language!

Holy shit!

Uh...

This is all seeming
probably so much

stranger than
what I had intended.

I'm sorry to
startle you, Rachel.

What are you
doing in my closet?

Well, uh, to give
you the whole...

I thought I have
a great idea

to surprise you
with an apology,

and my sincere
"I'm sorry."

So I let myself in,
in the middle of the night.

So once I was actually
waiting here in the dark,

and you were getting up for the morning,
I thought, "Uh-oh.

"This could seem kind of
threatening and menacing."

And I panicked
a little bit

and just darted
into the closet.

So, surprise! I'm sorry.

And, dang it,
I shouldn't have sold that company.

I think we're done.
Okay, well...

You know... So thank you, I guess,
for breaking into my home.

I said I was sorry.

Great.
We heard you. Okay.

I apologized.
I heard you.

There's the door.

You sold us out.

Yeah, I did.

I sold you out.
And I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

And I'm hoping, somehow,
you can forgive me.

And I just wanna
throw it out there

that I have completely
forgiven you, Claire,

for trying to sell me out
first with Renault so...

What are you
talking about?

I saw you.

Okay? I saw you and Ronald
outside the bakery.

He was smelling
your hand

and I know what that means, okay?
(SCOFFS)

I mean, he has smelled
many of my parts,

and I have smelled
many of his parts.

I was telling Renault
that I'm not willing

to sell him a single,
solitary brownie,

let alone my
entire company.

(STAMMERING)

That's a mix-up, huh?

Michelle, I would never in a million
years do that to you, okay?

You know... I mean, God.
What goes on in your brain?

I don't know.

I mean,
I don't have a lot of,

you know, experience
or a reference point for...

I didn't have a family,
or a mom, or a dad.

And I totally get it
if you never talk to me again.

So I don't want you
to feel bad about that.

I just wanted you to know that I
think you're very nice people.

Great people, actually.

You're the closest thing
to a family I've ever had.

And I'm real sorry
I screwed that up.

I'm gonna miss you, Michelle.

MIKE: Should I go?

I think I should go.

Oh, my God.
It's an awkward time for me

to just be, like, creeping
around in the background.

I had no idea you
were still here.

Should I go, or should I...
No, you're fine.

I do not like
what you did.

I do not like it!
And I do not like it.

She really
doesn't like it, guys.

You know, I...

If anyone's curious,
I do think I know how to fix this.

I signed that contract with
Renault late Friday night.

I wanna remind you I was wounded,
I was a little tipsy.

CLAIRE: Oh, God.
Okay.

And it's Sunday.
No one will be in his offices.

Plus, he can't file for a
corporate change of ownership

until tomorrow morning.

I can get in there tonight,

I can get that contract,
and I can take our company back.

Wait, what do you
mean "get the contract"?

He must have scanned and emailed
it a hundred times by now.

No, no, no. Anybody else,
yes, but not him.

Ronald is completely paranoid
about being hacked. Okay?

He has no cell phones, no emails.
He leaves no digital trail.

Claire knows this.
He's all old-school pen and paper.

It's the samurai way.

Okay, I'm in.
Let's do this. I'm in.

CLAIRE: Why would you be in?

MIKE: What do you mean
why would I be in?

You've been talking
all morning about

how you wanted to
get your company back.

And you guys are gonna need help,
and I'm a helpful guy.

How's that for a reason?

You're gonna get
rewarded for that.

MIKE: Well, that's
not why I did it.

I'm in, too.
MICHELLE: No, Claire.

This is my fault
and I'm gonna fix it.

Michelle, this is my decision.

And I want our
company back.

Yes, Claire.

All right, let's
fuck this shit up.

Language.
Sorry. I'm sorry.

I need to get a sitter.

Yeah, you do.

MICHELLE: As soon as we get out I
want you to grab the gasoline,

some rags,
and torch the van.

MIKE: What are you
talking about?

I rented the van.
It's on my credit card.

You go down,
you go down alone.

How would we
even get home?

That's a good point.
MVP, Claire.

Uh-oh. There's no door handle back here.
There's absolutely... Oh.

Thank you, Claire.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Okay. I still don't
think you should be here.

But if we get caught,

I want you to tell the police
that I forced you here by gun.

You gotta watch out for Rachel.

Okay. You don't have
a gun, though, right?

What am I, a thug?
Okay.

MIKE: I'm such a badass!
This is gonna be amazing!

Also, by the way, guys,
I was googling jail sentences.

Since none of us are actually armed,
minimal jail time.

Oops. Just excuse me
for one minute.

(GASPS) Michelle!
Well, it's a collector's item.

Ditch it.

Chuckin' a gun in a garbage can.
That's smart.

What?
Oh, my God.

Okay! I know it was wrong.
I self-corrected.

No, you didn't.
I just asked you to throw...

Well, you made me
throw it away. Okay.

Okay, there it is.
Renault Enterprises.

The contract is probably
in his private office,

which is at the top
of the building.

I'm guessing there's a safe,
could be in the wall.

Could be behind
one of those creepy paintings.

We got two guards on tonight.

We got one at the main desk
and one by the elevators.

Mike, I need you to
distract the guard

while Claire lumbers in,
and I follow behind like a cougar.

Okay, next, we head upstairs.

Claire, I'm gonna
give you a head start

'cause I'm gonna take those
motherfuckers 10 at a time.

You stand there with your mouth
hangin' open, and pointin',

and I'll slide into home base.

Mike, I need you to
distract the guard

by coming from the east,
turning him around,

so when we approach,
while you're sucking his dick,

we can get right past him.

So under no circumstances...

I'm sucking his what?

You're sucking his dick.

I'm sucking his dick?
Oh.

MICHELLE: Well, I'm not
gonna suck his dick.

I'm the brains behind it.
The brains never sucks the dick.

Why am I sucking his dick?
I don't wanna suck his dick!

Claire doesn't
wanna suck his dick!

How 'bout none of us
suck that man's penis?

Yeah, what if nobody
sucks his dick?

No dick suckin'.

Well, I worked on
that plan a long time.

Fine. Fine,
let's go to plan B.

MIKE: Yeah,
that sounds good.

If you're gonna be a baby and not
suck dick, that's fine with me.

(GROANING)

KENNY: Hey, there.
Hey! How you doing?

Is this 9800 Michigan?
I'm late for a birthday party.

No, this is 9900.

This is 9900?
Yeah.

Well, wouldn't you know it?
Yeah.

Why are you
dressed like that?

What are you
dressed as?

I'm glad you asked me.

I am actually a demon.
I'm a phoenix.

(SNICKERING)

Pretty cool, right?

Are you into demons?

Yeah. I know
a fair amount.

KENNY: That is very cool.

MIKE: You can touch
the feathers if you want.

Yeah, a lot of people don't know that.
It was a demon.

It's actually
pronounced Quetzalcóatl.

(WHISPERING) He's
talking too much.

He'd be a lot quieter
with a penis in his mouth.

I'm into demons.
You are?

Yeah.
I think you said that.

I really am. I do
a lot of fantasy role-play.

That's so weird.

Yeah, gets a little
boring in here sometimes.

I bet.
I whistle.

You whistle?
I whistle a lot in here.

Let's hear some.
Yeah.

(WHISTLING)

Why is that
one whistling?

Just kind of
holding that one note.

Yeah, I like to do that.
I like to play with

bars and structures,
things like that.

MIKE: You got a real hefty
lung capacity there.

I never got your name.

Yeah, it's... It's Jim. Jimberly.
Jim?

Jimberly?
Jimberly Stevenson.

(MIKE YELLING)

What's going on?

It's a cramp!
God, I got a cramp!

Kenny! All right. I can help you.
I can help you.

It's in the quad! No, it's in the quad.
Right here? Right here?

That's the top.
That's the top.

KENNY: Okay? Right there?

MIKE: That's a little too close to the
groin, Kenny. That's a no-fly zone.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Thank God you're here.

I'm always here.
This is my shift.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah.

Sorry. You are so funny.
That really got me.

I'm Pete. I'm security.

Hi, Pete. I

am a specialty dancer.

Whoa.

"Whoa" is right.
Nice blouse.

CLAIRE: It's Talbots.

One of my more expensive
clients asked

that I pay him a visit here,
in the building, tonight.

No one goes up without a pass.

Right.

All I need you to do is swipe that
little card, okay?

And then, mama
can get to work.

Sometimes, before the dance,
I have to limber up.

I do some
sexy stretches. Like...

All right? How's that?
Jelly. Back to square one.

We're good?
Yup! Yup, yup.

I don't wanna overdo it.
Phew.

Okay. Well, hey.

Kenny, you're one of the
good ones, man. Yeah.

Yeah, not a lot of guys
would do that for another guy.

I'll do it for you.
Thanks, man.

But we'll hang. We'll do it.
Yeah, we'll totally hang.

No big deal, buddy.
All right, have a good one.

Bye, Jimberly.

You buzz me up,

and I'll give you a free dance
on the way down.

How about that?

I'll let you up.

I like Gordon Lightfoot.

Who doesn't?

The legend lives on
from the Chippewa on down

To the big lake they
call Gitche Gumee

The lake... Said and...
(MUMBLING)

Oh, my God.
Pete! Pete! Pete! Pete!

Did you just...

Yes.

Did you?

No.

God damn it, Pete.

I gotta sit down.
Yeah.

Okay.
I gotta sit down.

I'm embarrassed.
Just...

He seems nice.

Jesus.

Jimberly. "J", "J".

Maybe it's "J-Y-M."

What the fuck?
There's no Jimberlys.

(SNORING)

Well, then where
is his office?

I don't know.
The last time I was here, I was tipsy.

(ELEVATOR DINGING)

Oh, my God. You guys,
we're total burglars. Look at us!

How did you get
past the guards?

That was a piece of cake.
He was, like, totally passed out.

I don't know what was
going on there.

Me neither.

(LAUGHING)

I feel like this is
going great.

Michelle, you brought trash bags,
baby wipes, shower gel.

Do you actually think
we're gonna need rope?

Come on! Every story about a
burglar always involves rope.

That's true.
It's in all the movies.

I am a mogul,
not a cat burglar.

I'm also the only one that
thought to bring provisions.

MIKE: Michelle, stop!
I forgot, I'm sorry.

I stole the guard's keycard.
What?

You stole his key?

Yeah. Okay.

MIKE: Somebody loves
Mortal Kombat.

CLAIRE: Let's just find the
contract and get outta here.

Okay. I bet you he put
it in his panic room.

That's what I'd do
if I had a panic room.

It's probably voice-activated,
high-tech stuff in here.

Open desk.

Yeah. Open desk!
CLAIRE: Open...

No, it was just manual.

I got it! In his
desk drawer,

in a file marked "Darnell."

Probably overthought that one.
It's classic Mike.

MIKE: I do that a lot.
Let's go!

RENAULT: Son of a bitch,
Stephan! You left the door open!

Oh.

Well, who do
we have here?

Michelle Darnell,
the baker and Quetzalcóatl.

That is impressive.
I mean, you gotta give him that.

I'm not even
wearing the mask.

That wouldn't be our contract
you're holding, would it, Michelle?

You wouldn't be foolish enough to
back out of our plan, would you?

You know what?
It was never her company to sell.

I own 50% of it, so...
RENAULT: Yeah.

I may have fudged the initial paperwork.
You what?

But I am sorry.
So, I'm not...

And I will rectify...
Michelle!

You will be. You will be.
I'm sorry.

I wonder, how should
I approach this?

Call the proper authorities
and turn you in?

Or we could just talk it
out amongst ourselves.

Do you know what the
fascinating thing is

about the Japanese
martial arts?

The discipline.

(INHALES DEEPLY) Ya!

The integrity.

The loyalty.

Okay, okay, stop!

I'll do it.

I'll suck your dick.
What?

MIKE: I don't wanna do it,

but if you promise not to
hurt anybody in this room,

I'll suck your dick.

Mike, no.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, my God.
Mike, no. What?

You don't want me to
suck his dick? No.

Wrong dick,
wrong time, Mike.

Wrong dick.
Wrong dick.

It was supposed to be
the security guy's dick.

I was trying to
be a team player.

Real eager, Claire.
It's a red flag.

I don't like
sucking dicks.

It's not my business.

RENAULT: Nobody's
sucking my dick.

CLAIRE: Fair enough.

Well, that's the first time
I've heard you say that, but...

I'm going to plan B,

my tongue has
always been my sword.

MIKE: Okay.

Put the knife
away, Ronald.

It's not a knife.
It's a katana.

Katana.

You're not gonna cut anyone with
that knife and we all know it.

(GASPS)

MIKE: Oh, shit!

Big bird, blondie,
over there! Go! Scoot!

MIKE: Okay. All right, easy!

(GROANS)

Oh, shit.

Are you crazy, Ron?
I'm bleeding!

Give me back what's mine.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Michelle!

Oh, hello, old friend!
Get off!

Oh, God,
I've missed this.

God, you keep
that shit tight. No!

(GRUNTING)

CLAIRE: Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Michelle, get up!
Get up!

(GROANING)

MIKE: Just get up.

MICHELLE: Okay,
let's be reasonable.

You know, I'm sure we can come
to some kind of an agreement.

Oh, we're past that point.

For the first time in my life,
I'm trying to do the right thing!

This is not about
me and you!

You don't even
want our company!

That's true, but you screwed me over
25 years ago, you bitch.

I thought sending you
to prison would help,

but cutting you to ribbons is the
only way I'll get satisfaction!

(GRUNTS)

Had enough?
(GRUNTING)

Shit.

Oh, check this out.
MICHELLE: Fucking psycho!

(GRUNTING)

Back up.

(YELLING)

Look at that!

Just a figure eight.
It's like double Dutch!

That's not
how you do it.

Yeah, looks like
I'm doing it.

Look at that.
I can bob, somebody can weave.

You see this shit.

Ow! God!

Huh? Twelve years
of baton.

Everybody likes to make
fun of the baton girls.

Seven, eight,
one, two, three, four...

(GASPING)

Just give him
the contract!

No! I'm getting
our company back!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

(EXCLAIMING) I will cut you in
your white meat!

What?
Oh, my God.

Ha!

Now we both
have swords, huh?

What is happening?

Pretty fucking
literal, Claire!

We're having a sword fight.
We're both fighting with swords.

I haven't been with another
woman since I've been with you.

Really? I've been
with hundreds of men.

You whore!

(GRUNTING)

Oh, shit!

Claire!

CLAIRE: Michelle, let's go!
MIKE: Michelle, come on!

(BOTH GROANING)

It's been so long.

That's enough!
It's too hot.

(BARKING)

Wait a minute!
Why are we running up?

I don't know, it was the only door.
I'm doing the best I can!

I should not be
running with a sword!

Okay, all right! Okay. All right.
There's gotta be a way down!

Get away from there.
Come here.

Michelle, I'm not so good
with heights, you know.

I'm feeling
kind of tingly.

Claire, look at me.
You have been on

a helipad before and
it's gonna be fine.

Right. Right, but then they
weren't chasing us with swords!

You make a good point.
Claire, I'm sorry I got you into this.

RENAULT: Michelle!

STEPHAN: God, I need
to do more cardio.

Go over there.
Go over there! Be careful.

You left so suddenly.

Okay, let them go.
I'm the one you want.

You know, I killed a man in
Costa Rica with this sword.

I guess you would
call it my killing sword.

(SHOUTING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

You're terrible in bed!

I know.

(WHIMPERING)

Oh, my God!
Michelle!

Whoa. Honey!
Let her go, Claire!

She's making
a fortune in heaven.

Hey, hey.
Hey, smile!

Okay, everyone
take it easy.

I've been filming
this the whole time.

Take the sword away from her or I
swear to God I'm gonna hit "send."

Yeah, you're not
gonna hit "send"

because I'm gonna
chop your hand off.

(GRUNTING)
CLAIRE: No!

Oh, my God.

Brother!
RENAULT: No!

Son of a...
(YELLS) Samurai!

Shut up!

Oh, thank goodness!
Michelle, are you all right?

MICHELLE: I'm fine!

I'm about to feel
much better.

RENAULT: No.
Yes!

Be wrong to ask
for your forgiveness?

It's Ron talking.

Oh, Ron!
I'm sorry.

Renault, do you still need
me to hold them at bay?

Oh, my God.

Come here.

Ow.

Ow.

Michelle, don't make
out with the sociopath!

I know. You make
a good point.

But this is really
good stuff.

Victim here.

Michelle!

CLAIRE: Michelle! He literally
tried to kill you!

MICHELLE: I know.
But his mouth didn't!

MICHELLE: Okay!
Attention, everyone!

I just wanna say what a great first
year for the Darnell's Darlings.

And what a great first house
for Rachel and Claire.

(ALL CHEERING)

MIKE: Cheers!

Finally, they have a decent guestroom
so I can stay over when I get blasted.

CLAIRE: Michelle.
What's "blasted"?

I'll show you in about
three drinks. (LAUGHING)

No, she won't.
MICHELLE: I'm kidding.

But if I can,

can I take a serious
note for a minute,

and I just wanna
say I'm proud of you.

You've built a great family
home here for you and Rachel.

And I'm awfully glad that I
get to be a part of that. So.

Thank you, Michelle.

Thank you.

Oh, and thank you for the new sofa!
You really shouldn't have done that.

Oh, well, I should
have, though.

I mean, the old one was very
uncomfortable and very dangerous.

But don't worry.
I don't wanna hear it.

I did donate it to
just the right person.

(THUDDING)

Hannah!

Michelle Darnell
just sent us a sofa bed.

You know what I call that?
A victory. I win.

Whatever.

Oh, it is comfortable.

Ah. (CHUCKLING)

It's comfortable...

(YELLING)

Darnell!

I may have had a little bit
of your Scotch last night

and I got into
the most wonderful chip.

It was called a Dorito.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

I've had wonderful
Vermont ched...

(BOTH GIGGLING)

I'm so sorry.
God, I'm a hack.

MICHELLE: Hi, Rachel.

It's Rachel!

That's what I said.

DIRECTOR: One more time.

(ALL GIGGLING)

I'm an icon. I am not
a professional burger.

(LAUGHING)

But I like burgers.

I took the guard's
keycard. Oh, fuck me.

I took the card from the geek.
What the fuck is it?

I took the
guard's keycard.

I took the card
from the geek.

(LAUGHING) Oh,
my God. Again.

Katana.

Oh, gosh. Sorry.

CLAIRE: Stop picking up wood! Michelle!
(CREW LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

DIRECTOR: Here we go.

Oh, God. I'm gonna
pee my pants.

(BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER)

Oh, my God.
No. Please give me one more shot.

You pop...
(GIGGLING)

When you left my life...
(STAMMERING) Shit. Fuck.

What was that?
I should've been so...

Meryl Streep would've
just kept going.

I stand corrected.
Do you want some nuts?

(GIGGLING)

So we can get to the elevators while
you're sucking his dick. (GIGGLING)

Wait. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. I saw it coming
from a mile away. I'm so sorry.

Okay.
I can get in there.

I can get the contract and I
can take back our country.

DIRECTOR: What do
you mean "take..."

God damn it. (GIGGLING)
(CREW LAUGHING)

I object to parolees
attending our meetings

and I'd like to put that in the
official transcreept...

(CHUCKLING)

I made a good business...

You know what?
You made a good business...

Really? You fucking kidding me?
I can't say "decision."

CLAIRE: Language, Michelle.
Yeah.

Good night!

(CREW LAUGHING)

You think they'll
ever yell "cut"?

(LAUGHING)

No.

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