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1
00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,239
Who's steerin'?
2
00:00:55,240 --> 00:01:00,480
He's steering. I thought YOU were!
Well, someone better START!
3
00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:12,319
♪ The colour of summer's gone,
Of golden days when I was young,
4
00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:16,879
♪ Of girls who came
but soon moved on
5
00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:19,600
♪ Is in my summer wine
6
00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:23,619
♪ The perfumes of earth and vine
7
00:01:23,620 --> 00:01:27,239
♪ Of meadows
when the rain has gone
8
00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:31,159
♪ Of women with their finery on
9
00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:35,299
♪ Is in my summer wine
10
00:01:35,300 --> 00:01:41,699
♪ The memories
I can see
Here in my cup
11
00:01:41,700 --> 00:01:46,599
♪ Of sweet, short days,
Bitter days
12
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:49,760
♪ Now all drunk up
13
00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:53,999
♪ The taste of
the life that slips
14
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:57,699
♪ From day to day
through fingers blind
15
00:01:57,700 --> 00:02:01,339
♪ The honey from a woman's lips
16
00:02:01,340 --> 00:02:04,899
♪ Is in my summer wine
17
00:02:04,900 --> 00:02:08,899
♪ I drink now to mellow days
18
00:02:08,900 --> 00:02:12,379
♪ To grapes forever
pressed and gone
19
00:02:12,380 --> 00:02:16,419
♪ To girls
whose warmth
became the sun
20
00:02:16,420 --> 00:02:21,440
♪ And gave my summer wine. ♪
21
00:02:28,420 --> 00:02:34,679
This time last year
the tar was melting in the road
outside the TV rentals.
22
00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:39,719
Hot? The Far East now,
my word, THAT was hot.
23
00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:45,479
Whenever it's hot the bird
in the dry cleaners wears almost
nothing under her overall.
24
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:48,800
When do YOU go to the dry cleaners?
Whenever it's hot!
25
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:54,660
They even turned the heat down
in the electricity showrooms.
26
00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:13,239
Have you any idea how many
unseemly substances may be
on that blade of grass?
27
00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:18,080
It'll be covered in THAT
for a start!
28
00:03:22,340 --> 00:03:27,419
Be warm for Sam this afternoon.
Well, it always is in hospital.
29
00:03:27,420 --> 00:03:31,899
I thought he were gettin' better.
Maybe they'll let 'im sit outside.
30
00:03:31,900 --> 00:03:33,200
Maybe.
31
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:36,259
Any road, we'll cheer him up
tonight.
32
00:03:36,260 --> 00:03:39,819
Oh yes? God's gift
to the National Health, are we?
33
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:43,399
And no more language in front of
his wife!
34
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:47,100
THAT were 'n EMERGENCY!
I'd dropped me fag down me welly!
35
00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:50,239
You shouldn't smoke in the wards!
36
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:53,899
For an HOUR?
What d'they expect you to do?
37
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:59,599
Have some consideration for Sam's
condition. I mean, he's had to
give up PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING!
38
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:02,379
They're not consistent about THAT.
39
00:04:02,380 --> 00:04:07,040
If he's cutting out all what's bad
for him, why's his missus there?
40
00:04:07,260 --> 00:04:11,800
Maybe he likes her better
now he's near death's door.
41
00:04:12,580 --> 00:04:13,899
Would you?
42
00:04:13,900 --> 00:04:17,859
No... but he IS under
strong medication.
43
00:04:17,860 --> 00:04:20,480
She's a hard bitch, is Sybil.
44
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:23,740
She's good with flaky pastry.
45
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,639
She keeps his house immaculate.
46
00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:29,439
Well, she never lets anyone in it!
47
00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:33,659
SAM'S had to spend best part of
his married life in GARDEN SHED!
48
00:04:33,660 --> 00:04:37,479
Well, she must be SOME
consolation to him.
49
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:42,079
If ANY mortal thing could make
death seem palatable, Sybil could.
50
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:53,259
I must say, Sam's made
the best of it.
51
00:04:53,260 --> 00:04:59,580
Preserved his marriage by combining
Christian patience and a twice
weekly frolic with Lily, Bless Her.
52
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:03,639
Aye, she's been good to 'im
has Lily, Bless Her.
53
00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:07,520
Eh, he'll be SICK if he has
to give THAT up as well!
54
00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:15,580
Ey up! That's old Fairburn's car!
55
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:18,120
Fairburn's Co-op Tailoring.
56
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:24,600
What's he doing up here in his
STITCHED LAPELS? He's not
your TYPICAL nature lover.
57
00:05:24,740 --> 00:05:27,619
I understood
he was a stamp collector.
58
00:05:27,620 --> 00:05:29,479
That's more like it.
59
00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:35,059
British Empire and Possessions...
which won't take up a lot
of anybody's time these days.
60
00:05:35,060 --> 00:05:37,919
Well, he can't play bar billiards.
61
00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:42,199
He made a RIGHT hack t'other night
at the Shoulder of Mutton.
62
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,339
It's stuffy in the Co-op Tailoring.
63
00:05:45,340 --> 00:05:52,080
I expect the poor chap's come here
to rid his lungs of accumulated
Harris Tweed and flecks of mohair.
64
00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:55,740
Well, it's none of our business
why he's here...
65
00:05:56,500 --> 00:06:00,320
Which I find makes it rather
MORE fascinating.
66
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:06,680
'Ello, 'ello!
So THAT'S what he's doin'!
67
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,739
It's Her-From-The-Bacon-Counter!
68
00:06:11,740 --> 00:06:14,080
The DIRTY DEVIL!
69
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:18,159
That's the LAST TIME I let 'im
round MY inside leg!
70
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:21,719
What kind of carry-on is THAT
for a stamp collector?
71
00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:24,139
Get down! He'll SEE you!
72
00:06:24,140 --> 00:06:28,920
Cheeky Prawn! 'Ey, I wonder if
he gets his DIVI on that?!
73
00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:34,640
Put your eyes back in!
They'll roll down the hill!
74
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:40,280
Tell thee what, I 'ope for her sake
he's slicker at that than he is
at bar billiards!
75
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:57,119
'Ey up! That's a picture!
76
00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:59,920
Oh, come away! Come ON!
77
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:09,799
Now Lily, you know it's NO use.
78
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:14,779
You can't go visiting Sam in
hospital... not while Sybil's there.
79
00:07:14,780 --> 00:07:18,680
I wouldn't mind, but she doesn't
even LIKE him.
80
00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:21,919
She doesn't have to.
She's married to him.
81
00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:23,600
'Scuse me.
82
00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:27,639
Oh, I like your knickers, Lily!
83
00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:32,780
Do you? Got to keep up appearances.
I'm not getting any younger.
84
00:07:32,940 --> 00:07:38,620
Come in. Don't stand there.
You'll have HER-ACROSS needing
A HINGE ON HER FACE!
85
00:07:40,220 --> 00:07:45,600
It can't be easy keeping one eye
on telly and t'other on me.
86
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:56,880
Sit yourselves down.
I'll get some glasses.
87
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:03,239
Does his wife stay the full hour?
88
00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:05,760
Every minute. She knits!
89
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:11,260
She goes to visit him and KNITS?
90
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,699
Sit down, you've time for a beer.
91
00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:19,280
Aye, we've time for a beer, love.
92
00:08:24,060 --> 00:08:29,119
I'd like to talk Nora Batty
into these piggies!
93
00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:32,480
Put it away! PIGGY-PIG!
PUT IT AWAY!
94
00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:40,319
She fills every minute FULL
of THOSE kind of excitements.
95
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:45,979
If he had ANOTHER attack I wonder
if she'd DROP A SINGLE STITCH!
96
00:08:45,980 --> 00:08:49,600
All right, I can't visit...
but I've baked more buns.
97
00:08:51,660 --> 00:08:54,920
Oh GOD! Not MORE buns!
98
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:05,840
There's plenty if you'd like one.
No, we'll just 'ave the beer, love.
99
00:09:05,940 --> 00:09:08,960
That'll leave more for Sam.
100
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:18,300
Well, here's wishing all the best
to Sam.
101
00:09:27,420 --> 00:09:30,619
When you see 'im,
tell 'im to shape 'is self.
102
00:09:30,620 --> 00:09:33,920
Tell 'im to write.
I've only 'ad ONE letter.
103
00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:45,059
"Dear Lily. Did I leave
me reading glasses?
104
00:09:45,060 --> 00:09:49,899
"A bloke here knows you from
the Three Horse Shoes with a hernia
called Trevor.
105
00:09:49,900 --> 00:09:54,040
"I haven't got to lift,
but I'm doing nicely. Sam"
106
00:09:56,540 --> 00:10:00,619
It's been 3 weeks now and THAT's
the ONLY word I've had!
107
00:10:00,620 --> 00:10:03,779
Give over, love,
we've kept you posted.
108
00:10:03,780 --> 00:10:07,799
You can tell that I must be
constantly on his mind.
109
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:12,739
It's got the authentic ring
of ungovernable passion about it.
110
00:10:12,740 --> 00:10:17,520
He's just glib, is Sam.
And who's this flaming Trevor?
111
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:20,559
Could be him in the corner.
112
00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:26,239
With screens round?!
They don't put screens
round a hernia.
113
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:30,179
They put screens round Uncle Dudley
when he went in.
114
00:10:30,180 --> 00:10:34,360
YE-ES! Maybe it's compulsory
round Uncle Dudleys?
115
00:10:42,636 --> 00:10:44,955
Your Colin called.
116
00:10:44,956 --> 00:10:46,755
I wish he wouldn't.
117
00:10:46,756 --> 00:10:48,596
He smells rusty.
118
00:10:50,056 --> 00:10:53,735
He wanted to borrow your socket set.
I told him he couldn't.
119
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:56,116
He hasn't brought
your tenon saw back yet.
120
00:10:57,756 --> 00:11:01,775
I've had the Jehovah's Witnesses
at the front door.
121
00:11:01,776 --> 00:11:05,295
I told 'em -
"Convert someone who lives scruffy."
122
00:11:05,296 --> 00:11:10,235
SAM THINKS
"Good skin...
She's always had a good skin..."
123
00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:12,456
"Hoarded it like a miser, though."
124
00:11:14,916 --> 00:11:17,255
And another thing...
125
00:11:17,256 --> 00:11:23,996
"If she'd only given the marriage
bed the same determination she
gives to cleaning the house."
126
00:11:32,376 --> 00:11:36,595
"Cosgrave's missus
has decent knees.
127
00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:40,795
"She never takes her eye
off him.
128
00:11:40,796 --> 00:11:43,415
"She squeezes his hand
whenever she can.
129
00:11:43,416 --> 00:11:47,316
"He lets her, when he thinks
nobody's looking.
130
00:11:48,276 --> 00:11:53,815
"She's 45... badly dressed...
and lovely.
131
00:11:53,816 --> 00:11:58,615
"She brings him books
and massive quantities of affection.
132
00:11:58,616 --> 00:12:02,375
"Do him more good than medication.
133
00:12:02,376 --> 00:12:04,936
"She'll have him home in no time.
134
00:12:07,036 --> 00:12:09,815
"A bit of sun wouldn't hurt."
135
00:12:09,816 --> 00:12:14,055
Cosgrave's wife wants to learn
how to sit properly!
136
00:12:14,056 --> 00:12:17,815
She idolises him, woman!
137
00:12:17,816 --> 00:12:21,595
That IS sitting properly!
I knew YOU'D think so.
138
00:12:27,216 --> 00:12:31,496
'Ay up, Sam!
Keep your voice down!
139
00:12:43,076 --> 00:12:46,076
And WHO baked them?
140
00:12:46,216 --> 00:12:48,836
He did! He did! He did!
141
00:12:50,096 --> 00:12:54,875
Er... it were joint...
We all did a bit.
142
00:12:54,876 --> 00:12:57,555
Like your hat.
Don't WE like Sybil's hat?
143
00:12:57,556 --> 00:12:59,555
Ravishing as ever!
144
00:12:59,556 --> 00:13:03,356
And that's only Sam.
145
00:13:04,836 --> 00:13:08,296
Sssssssssss! He DON'T look well!
146
00:13:10,476 --> 00:13:13,795
They only like two to a bed.
147
00:13:13,796 --> 00:13:17,035
Don't we all, hee-hee-hee!
148
00:13:17,036 --> 00:13:18,116
Ouc-c-c-h!
149
00:13:28,376 --> 00:13:31,795
He's not supposed to have food
brought in.
150
00:13:31,796 --> 00:13:35,235
A gesture.
We can take it back again.
151
00:13:35,236 --> 00:13:38,055
Funny bringing it in, then.
152
00:13:38,056 --> 00:13:41,115
Easy... easy... The lid sticks.
153
00:13:41,116 --> 00:13:43,195
I'LL manage!
154
00:13:43,196 --> 00:13:46,955
It's my best bun tin!
Go steady with it!
155
00:13:46,956 --> 00:13:49,575
Allow me, Sybil.
156
00:13:49,576 --> 00:13:53,155
Your BEST bun tin, is it?
157
00:13:53,156 --> 00:13:56,676
And WHAT'S THIS a picture of?
158
00:14:09,996 --> 00:14:11,976
Buckingham Palace!
159
00:14:13,776 --> 00:14:18,476
That is what THEY usually are,
but this one is... er...
160
00:14:21,996 --> 00:14:23,555
St JANE'S.
161
00:14:23,556 --> 00:14:26,275
James, you prawn!
162
00:14:26,276 --> 00:14:28,856
St James, you prawn Palace.
163
00:14:30,416 --> 00:14:33,996
I-I'll take him out.
There's only 2 to a bed.
164
00:14:38,076 --> 00:14:40,056
Cheerio, Sam.
165
00:14:43,676 --> 00:14:47,956
Let it be acknowledged, Sybil,
yours ARE superior buns.
166
00:14:48,556 --> 00:14:51,435
It looks like somebody's knee-cap.
167
00:14:51,436 --> 00:14:53,295
Not enough fat.
168
00:14:53,296 --> 00:14:57,035
There's fat enough
where THESE came from!
169
00:14:57,036 --> 00:15:00,175
It's irrelevant,
seeing I'll be dead.
170
00:15:00,176 --> 00:15:05,175
Can't evade your
responsibilities!
It's a good start!
171
00:15:05,176 --> 00:15:09,135
He means it!
He's determined to die!
172
00:15:09,136 --> 00:15:12,775
He's improving.
He'll be home next week.
173
00:15:12,776 --> 00:15:16,435
Aye. Once I'm out,
they'll NOT get me back in.
174
00:15:16,436 --> 00:15:21,415
It's all right. It's good enough.
But it's not home, is it?
175
00:15:21,416 --> 00:15:24,315
Since when have you known YOUR home?
176
00:15:24,316 --> 00:15:27,276
Mostly it's been in the back shed.
177
00:15:30,876 --> 00:15:33,915
I've wanted to get
you two on your own.
178
00:15:33,916 --> 00:15:39,115
You're a witness. I want our Colin
to have me woodworking tools.
179
00:15:39,116 --> 00:15:41,295
Put a good face on it.
180
00:15:41,296 --> 00:15:46,275
Your mate can have me best suit.
Foggy? No. Compo? Why not?
181
00:15:46,276 --> 00:15:52,476
I 'ope he can steer it,
or it'll drag 'im round
to 'er in Sugden Street.
182
00:16:22,516 --> 00:16:25,755
It's Fred Astaire
and Ginger Rogers!
183
00:16:25,756 --> 00:16:29,716
That man has no idea
of military footwork.
184
00:16:35,076 --> 00:16:37,955
We saw thee down by the river.
185
00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:40,076
Down..by..the..river!
186
00:16:41,276 --> 00:16:44,596
With 'er from t' bacon counter!
187
00:16:52,636 --> 00:16:55,795
There was no need to embarrass
the man.
188
00:16:55,796 --> 00:17:00,516
'Ay up! I was only pulling 'is leg!
Nobody's going to split on him.
189
00:17:02,996 --> 00:17:05,995
Mum's the word, then? Right?
190
00:17:05,996 --> 00:17:07,355
Relax.
191
00:17:07,356 --> 00:17:11,555
She's only a slip of a thing...
but we love each other.
192
00:17:11,556 --> 00:17:13,795
You great, daft begger!
193
00:17:13,796 --> 00:17:15,995
SLIP of a thing?!
194
00:17:15,996 --> 00:17:20,236
She's built like a brick...!
We don't wish to know that!
195
00:17:22,036 --> 00:17:25,356
Your secret is safe with us.
196
00:17:28,136 --> 00:17:33,316
It's NOT just a physical thing,
it's spiritual, really.
197
00:17:39,056 --> 00:17:44,635
She has eyes like the colour
of me favourite green check
in the best pattern book.
198
00:17:44,636 --> 00:17:49,095
A 14 ounce, thorn-proof tweed,
199
00:17:49,096 --> 00:17:51,816
with a faint loved fleck.
200
00:18:24,316 --> 00:18:27,655
Good morning, Sybil.
'Ay up, Sybil. Is Sam 'ome yet?
201
00:18:27,656 --> 00:18:30,876
If 'e was 'ome,
he'd have fixed the squeaky gate.
202
00:18:31,016 --> 00:18:35,395
Thought he was coming home today.
No ambulance till this afternoon.
203
00:18:35,396 --> 00:18:41,656
But... he COULD come home this
morning IF somebody fetched him?
If 'e had some transport.
204
00:18:45,756 --> 00:18:48,376
Can you drive it?
205
00:18:52,656 --> 00:18:57,415
I said, can you drive it?
He's not a mechanical cretin.
206
00:18:57,416 --> 00:18:59,436
No... but he's close.
207
00:19:03,716 --> 00:19:08,775
We can't leave Sam
kicking 'is heels all day.
'E wants to be 'ome.
208
00:19:08,776 --> 00:19:11,956
Did you HAVE to leave it
pointing at the river?
209
00:20:09,836 --> 00:20:15,076
Ha... We'll wait out 'ere with Sid
till tha gets the 'ang 'o it.
210
00:20:36,956 --> 00:20:39,655
There's no synchromesh on first.
211
00:20:40,676 --> 00:20:42,696
There isn't now!
212
00:21:08,856 --> 00:21:12,795
Now, there's your letter.
DO take care of yourself, won't you?
213
00:21:12,796 --> 00:21:14,196
Bye.
214
00:21:16,956 --> 00:21:22,235
NO cream cakes, NO animal fats,
NO fornication.
215
00:21:22,236 --> 00:21:24,855
Time you packed it in, anyway.
216
00:21:24,856 --> 00:21:28,496
Cream cakes at your age?!
DISGUSTING!
217
00:21:30,476 --> 00:21:34,435
By hell! No expense spared.
218
00:21:49,516 --> 00:21:51,755
Bonny day!
219
00:21:51,756 --> 00:21:54,856
They forecast rain later.
220
00:21:56,496 --> 00:22:00,116
Hey! There's some cold chips
back 'ere!
221
00:22:01,296 --> 00:22:03,336
Turn off 'ere!
222
00:22:08,796 --> 00:22:09,796
STOP!
223
00:22:17,956 --> 00:22:20,996
What about me ASHES?
224
00:22:21,196 --> 00:22:24,075
Flick them on the floor.
225
00:22:24,076 --> 00:22:26,895
Not me cigarette ash...
226
00:22:26,896 --> 00:22:29,235
my OWN ashes.
227
00:22:29,236 --> 00:22:33,815
My personal residue,
when I've snuffed it.
228
00:22:33,816 --> 00:22:38,476
LISTEN, we'll ALL snuff it,
if you carry on like that.
229
00:22:38,576 --> 00:22:41,335
You're only saying that.
230
00:22:41,336 --> 00:22:45,316
When it comes to the crunch,
I'll have to go on me own.
231
00:23:02,376 --> 00:23:04,516
This is it!
232
00:23:08,076 --> 00:23:10,216
This IS it!
233
00:23:11,216 --> 00:23:14,436
I want 'em scattering just 'ere.
234
00:23:15,756 --> 00:23:18,635
I want you to promise.
235
00:23:18,636 --> 00:23:21,436
It's nice up 'ere.
236
00:23:21,596 --> 00:23:24,616
I can see Ducket's Foundry...
237
00:23:24,856 --> 00:23:27,836
and Mottishaw's Bakery.
238
00:23:28,936 --> 00:23:31,515
I shall know where I am.
239
00:23:31,516 --> 00:23:34,415
They're not likely to build up 'ere.
240
00:23:34,416 --> 00:23:39,176
I don't want anybody goin' through
me with a bleedin' motorway.
241
00:24:02,096 --> 00:24:05,255
'Ay up, Sybil!
We've brought 'im 'ome.
242
00:24:05,256 --> 00:24:11,116
Take 'is boots off!
He's not trampling over me carpets!
His boots aren't poorly.
243
00:24:13,516 --> 00:24:17,515
Listen, come and get me
when she's gone to bed.
244
00:24:17,516 --> 00:24:21,295
I want you to sneak me down
to Lily, Bless Her.
245
00:24:21,296 --> 00:24:24,315
You're not ready for Lily,
Bless Her.
246
00:24:24,316 --> 00:24:27,495
Get back into training!
247
00:24:27,496 --> 00:24:31,756
Start with something easier...
Build yourself a garage.
248
00:24:34,076 --> 00:24:36,396
You've GOT to promise.
249
00:24:41,656 --> 00:24:44,995
What's THAT damn thing
parked in t' street?
250
00:24:44,996 --> 00:24:46,956
Oh, not ours.
251
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:05,139
DON'T forget...
252
00:25:05,140 --> 00:25:07,460
I'm relying on you.
253
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:51,140
Get off, you daft devil!
254
00:25:57,678 --> 00:25:59,957
Are we sure this is a good idea?
255
00:25:59,958 --> 00:26:04,258
I'm sure it's a bad idea,
but he's RELYING on us, isn't he?
256
00:26:04,418 --> 00:26:08,038
That sounded like thunder.
It will be if Sybil catches us.
257
00:26:20,558 --> 00:26:24,217
Hey up, her bedroom light's
still on.
258
00:26:24,218 --> 00:26:28,237
Maybe she's doing something special
on his first night home.
259
00:26:28,238 --> 00:26:31,758
Like what? Papering a ceiling?
260
00:26:34,698 --> 00:26:38,138
We'll give it 15 minutes.
261
00:26:38,538 --> 00:26:42,557
We CAN'T wait here 15 minutes!
262
00:26:42,558 --> 00:26:46,617
We CAN wait here 15 minutes,
it's a normal thing to do.
263
00:26:46,618 --> 00:26:50,297
We're just 3 people chatting,
that's all.
264
00:26:50,298 --> 00:26:53,557
The thing is,
not to look suspicious.
265
00:26:53,558 --> 00:26:59,038
I FEEL suspicious an' he LOOKS
suspicious. It's a knack I 'ave.
266
00:27:00,958 --> 00:27:05,378
The thing is not to be seen
skulking in the shadows.
267
00:27:10,158 --> 00:27:12,917
I was looking forward to a skulk!
268
00:27:12,918 --> 00:27:16,417
I REALLY was looking forward
to a GOOD skulk!
269
00:27:16,418 --> 00:27:22,217
We do it openly in the lamplight.
Like Lily Marlene.
270
00:27:22,218 --> 00:27:25,997
I feel a right LILY standing 'ere.
271
00:27:34,658 --> 00:27:38,758
Remember... we're just 3 people
standing here talking.
272
00:27:52,258 --> 00:27:56,538
It's all right, we're just 3 people
standing here talking.
273
00:27:59,458 --> 00:28:02,378
I think he likes you.
274
00:28:04,138 --> 00:28:07,038
Couldn't he just wag 'is tail?
275
00:28:16,478 --> 00:28:19,557
Does anyone remember
if the gate squeaks?
276
00:28:39,558 --> 00:28:41,718
Psst!...Sam!
277
00:28:44,238 --> 00:28:46,237
ABOUT time!
278
00:28:46,238 --> 00:28:51,018
I must tell you that you don't look
like you've got animal magnetism.
279
00:28:54,038 --> 00:28:57,658
Can't you postpone
the HEAVY BREATHING?
280
00:28:57,758 --> 00:29:04,158
I have to breathe. It's just a habit
you could break it if you tried.
281
00:29:10,438 --> 00:29:11,438
OOW-W-W!
282
00:29:14,838 --> 00:29:18,718
He's got 100 ways to make
your eyes water!
283
00:29:34,118 --> 00:29:37,397
You're going the LONG way round.
284
00:29:37,398 --> 00:29:43,738
We've got to. We DAREN'T go past
the police station and all those
bright lights!
285
00:29:43,978 --> 00:29:50,957
CLEGG THINKS:
"Lord have mercy on this damn fool
man being wheeled on a bicycle
286
00:29:50,958 --> 00:29:54,017
"to an unwise assignation
287
00:29:54,018 --> 00:29:55,798
"with no socks on."
288
00:29:58,298 --> 00:30:02,638
"Oh..all right...
Be like that then!"
289
00:30:25,678 --> 00:30:28,777
It's nice and snug in here.
290
00:30:28,778 --> 00:30:32,238
Ha! Not as snug as where Sam is!
291
00:31:14,798 --> 00:31:17,198
What are you doing? AAAH!
292
00:31:35,598 --> 00:31:38,817
It's Sam. He won't wake up.
293
00:31:38,818 --> 00:31:41,998
He's dead!
294
00:31:50,598 --> 00:31:53,078
Come on, Sam.
295
00:31:53,778 --> 00:31:55,778
Stop messing about.
296
00:31:56,778 --> 00:31:59,798
Sam, pack it in.
297
00:32:38,338 --> 00:32:41,498
Quiet. You're not emptying a BATH!
298
00:32:45,658 --> 00:32:49,978
He only wanted a CUDDLE.
Where's the harm in that?
299
00:32:51,898 --> 00:32:56,117
A terminal cuddle.
What a time to go!
300
00:32:56,118 --> 00:33:00,877
I saw him lying there,
and I thought...
301
00:33:00,878 --> 00:33:04,998
Sam, you tactless prat!
302
00:33:05,858 --> 00:33:09,217
'E's dropped us RIGHT in it now.
303
00:33:09,218 --> 00:33:13,077
He thinks it's funny. Did tha see
his face?
304
00:33:13,078 --> 00:33:17,538
He wanted a bit a COMFORT,
that's all!
305
00:33:17,698 --> 00:33:21,918
From the expression on his face,
I think he found it!
306
00:33:23,258 --> 00:33:25,517
You can't trust anybody.
307
00:33:25,518 --> 00:33:32,698
We sneak him out once - and
right away - OFF he goes on this
impulsive trip into the infinite!
308
00:33:33,218 --> 00:33:36,037
It will be a shock for Sybil.
309
00:33:36,038 --> 00:33:39,177
God, who's going to tell Sybil?
310
00:33:39,178 --> 00:33:45,198
You hear of people dying in BED,
but, dammit, it's supposed to be
YOUR OWN BED.
311
00:33:47,478 --> 00:33:52,737
He ought to go back to Sybil.
It's not right, him being here.
312
00:33:52,738 --> 00:33:55,997
SOME things you can only do at HOME.
313
00:33:55,998 --> 00:34:01,877
Never 'ad much time for that woman,
but I'd not embarrass her with THIS.
314
00:34:01,878 --> 00:34:05,918
You'll have to take him home!
315
00:34:07,978 --> 00:34:09,198
HOW!?!
316
00:34:09,318 --> 00:34:11,997
The same way you brought him!
317
00:34:11,998 --> 00:34:17,557
I've never turned him away before,
and I don't like doing it now,
318
00:34:17,558 --> 00:34:22,138
We all know his proper place now -
and it isn't HERE!
319
00:34:44,738 --> 00:34:49,558
Honestly - you'd think he'd never
ridden a bike before!
320
00:34:50,698 --> 00:34:58,077
We CAN'T wheel him through the
streets like that. He's got to
look NATURAL.
321
00:34:58,078 --> 00:35:00,538
Don't tell ME - TELL HIM!
322
00:35:00,918 --> 00:35:05,318
It's no good. We'll have to
borrow Sid's van again.
323
00:35:12,158 --> 00:35:15,457
Listen, somebody's at the window.
324
00:35:15,458 --> 00:35:18,378
Don't talk wet -we're upstairs.
325
00:35:24,438 --> 00:35:29,557
Oh God! There IS
somebody at the window.
Go and see who it is.
326
00:35:29,558 --> 00:35:33,518
And be a male chauvinist pig?
How about equal opportunity?
327
00:35:36,118 --> 00:35:40,757
Worm! Expecting your wife to go -
it could be ANYBODY!
328
00:35:40,758 --> 00:35:43,637
Some lunatic desperate for a woman!
329
00:35:43,638 --> 00:35:45,318
See - it's for you!
330
00:35:56,798 --> 00:36:01,578
You can relax, it's nobody
who wants to bite your neck.
331
00:36:01,658 --> 00:36:03,117
It's Clegg!
332
00:36:03,118 --> 00:36:06,137
What does he want at this time!
333
00:36:06,138 --> 00:36:09,678
I'm going to find out, aren't I?
334
00:36:32,218 --> 00:36:36,717
I thought I could wake you without
disturbing Ivy.
335
00:36:36,718 --> 00:36:39,498
You've made a right bog of it!
336
00:36:39,938 --> 00:36:43,977
I was standing on me bike,
Me bike slipped.
337
00:36:43,978 --> 00:36:47,498
You know, I've got potty friends.
338
00:37:00,618 --> 00:37:02,277
WELL?
339
00:37:02,278 --> 00:37:04,438
Nothing, really.
340
00:37:05,758 --> 00:37:08,957
NOTHING! At this time of night?
341
00:37:08,958 --> 00:37:12,138
I don't mean it's not important.
342
00:37:12,238 --> 00:37:14,437
He came to tell me...
343
00:37:14,438 --> 00:37:16,197
poor old Sam's dead.
344
00:37:16,198 --> 00:37:19,917
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
345
00:37:19,918 --> 00:37:21,197
Me too!
346
00:37:21,198 --> 00:37:23,958
It's not unexpected.
347
00:37:24,118 --> 00:37:28,577
Funny, why tell you
at this hour?
Why not?
348
00:37:28,578 --> 00:37:32,797
In a hurry, too!
I SAW him, scuttling away.
349
00:37:32,798 --> 00:37:37,197
You've had that effect
on my friends for years.
350
00:37:37,198 --> 00:37:39,778
Well you know such rogues.
351
00:37:39,938 --> 00:37:42,997
Have you TOLD me EVERYTHING?
352
00:37:42,998 --> 00:37:45,997
No secrets
between husband and wife!
353
00:37:45,998 --> 00:37:50,677
That's RICH! You undress
behind the wardrobe door.
354
00:37:50,678 --> 00:37:55,777
You'd sooner hop on one leg than let
me lamp your infinite varieties.
355
00:37:55,778 --> 00:37:59,277
Just like my mother said!
356
00:37:59,278 --> 00:38:06,698
"You want to talk about wallpaper,
and all they want is the rolls of
fat at the top of your leg!"
357
00:38:08,298 --> 00:38:12,857
SID THINKS:
"How can you refuse a late mate
the use of your chip van.
358
00:38:12,858 --> 00:38:15,477
"Just don't get caught, that's all.
359
00:38:15,478 --> 00:38:19,597
"Poor old Sam. You wonder
about life after death.
360
00:38:19,598 --> 00:38:26,998
"You never dreamed it would
consist of falling into the hands
of them three dozy beggars."
361
00:38:52,558 --> 00:38:54,757
Shut up, will ya?
362
00:38:54,758 --> 00:38:58,697
A dead man's hand,
how would you like it?
363
00:39:02,558 --> 00:39:07,257
Will you pack it in,
we nearly had an accident.
364
00:39:07,258 --> 00:39:10,198
We did, he nearly had kittens.
365
00:39:11,238 --> 00:39:17,717
FOGGY THINKS:
"All we need now is the
constabulary. The scandal of it!
366
00:39:17,718 --> 00:39:25,417
"We'll end up in Madame Tussaud's.
Serves me right for mixing with
this riff-raff.
367
00:39:25,418 --> 00:39:29,177
"But what a prospect for eternity.
368
00:39:29,178 --> 00:39:33,978
"Me, as a wax figure,
next to this dozy prat!"
369
00:39:59,578 --> 00:40:03,597
Get in step.
We're NOT in the guards!
370
00:40:03,598 --> 00:40:10,398
Don't tell me.
We're just 3 carpet salesmen going
about their lawful business!
371
00:40:20,678 --> 00:40:23,078
Get a move on!
372
00:41:02,058 --> 00:41:04,038
He's covered in fluff.
373
00:41:05,378 --> 00:41:09,318
Only dead 5 minutes and look at the
state he's in!
374
00:41:18,438 --> 00:41:20,298
Why are you thumping about?
375
00:41:22,798 --> 00:41:24,938
Better get your sleep.
376
00:41:30,338 --> 00:41:33,537
You're not to loll about in bed
all day.
377
00:41:33,538 --> 00:41:36,958
You can fix that gate tomorrow.
378
00:41:38,658 --> 00:41:42,298
No good lolling about in bed all day
379
00:41:42,718 --> 00:41:46,297
the thing is to pick up your life
as normal.
380
00:41:46,298 --> 00:41:50,497
Enjoy yourself.
Go repair things in your shed.
381
00:41:50,498 --> 00:41:54,197
It's just as you left it.
382
00:41:54,198 --> 00:42:01,098
It'll give you an interest in things
working in your shed.
383
00:42:10,690 --> 00:42:17,689
It's not our fault. He insisted
we took him to Lily, Bless Her.
He wanted to go.
384
00:42:17,690 --> 00:42:24,409
Maybe last night. On impulse.
But I wonder how he feels about
it this morning?
385
00:42:24,410 --> 00:42:27,489
But what a way to go!
386
00:42:27,490 --> 00:42:28,669
Exactly.
387
00:42:28,670 --> 00:42:35,169
He knew what he was doing.
He launched himself from her
like a high cliff.
388
00:42:35,170 --> 00:42:40,389
And left us to pick up the pieces
at the bottom!
389
00:42:40,390 --> 00:42:46,030
Did tha see that daft grin?
He looked happier dead than alive.
390
00:42:59,350 --> 00:43:01,849
You're not horse racing TODAY?
391
00:43:01,850 --> 00:43:06,729
I must find a WINNER,
I need a new suit for the funeral.
392
00:43:06,730 --> 00:43:13,189
You DON'T need a new suit for
the funeral, cos Sam left you his.
393
00:43:13,190 --> 00:43:14,889
Me?
394
00:43:14,890 --> 00:43:16,049
You.
395
00:43:16,050 --> 00:43:18,269
Why me?
396
00:43:18,270 --> 00:43:21,669
Who do you think needs one MORE?
397
00:43:21,670 --> 00:43:25,029
The navy blue? The navy blue.
398
00:43:25,030 --> 00:43:31,790
That's not bad!
Tha should a said last night,
I could a brought it with me
399
00:43:34,690 --> 00:43:37,249
Who's a dozy little man, then?
400
00:43:37,250 --> 00:43:39,269
I bet that's me.
401
00:43:39,270 --> 00:43:41,609
He recognises the description.
402
00:43:41,610 --> 00:43:44,189
What have I DONE?
403
00:43:44,190 --> 00:43:48,229
We DIDN'T see Sam last night.
404
00:43:48,230 --> 00:43:54,249
We NEVER went NEAR him.
We'd like you to repeat that.
405
00:43:54,250 --> 00:43:56,749
We never went near him.
406
00:43:56,750 --> 00:43:59,609
So we couldn't collect your suit.
407
00:43:59,610 --> 00:44:03,190
Because we weren't THERE.
408
00:44:06,010 --> 00:44:07,610
Got it!
409
00:44:07,970 --> 00:44:11,930
Where are you going?
To Sybil's to get me suit.
410
00:44:13,390 --> 00:44:15,130
What's up now?
411
00:44:15,210 --> 00:44:19,270
You CAN'T just go to Sybil's to
fetch your suit.
412
00:44:19,370 --> 00:44:21,069
It's MY suit.
413
00:44:21,070 --> 00:44:28,890
Because we are not supposed to know YET that..
- HE IS DEAD.
414
00:44:30,390 --> 00:44:37,669
We WAIT until we hear it
through the proper channels,
and then we act SURPRISED.
415
00:44:37,670 --> 00:44:40,110
Now do you understand?
416
00:44:41,110 --> 00:44:46,070
Let 'im keep 'is rotten suit
if it's gonna be all this trouble.
417
00:44:49,750 --> 00:44:52,730
'Ey up, I've left my paper!
418
00:45:04,170 --> 00:45:06,350
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
419
00:45:20,650 --> 00:45:23,110
The thing about growing up,
420
00:45:23,290 --> 00:45:28,749
is that you get fewer scabs on your
knees, but more internal injuries.
421
00:45:28,750 --> 00:45:31,489
They were great days at school.
422
00:45:31,490 --> 00:45:37,989
Yes, great days, but even then
there was no real amnesty.
423
00:45:37,990 --> 00:45:43,909
Remember when that yellow-hammer
flew at the window?
You picked it up.
424
00:45:43,910 --> 00:45:46,269
They've got lovely markings.
425
00:45:46,270 --> 00:45:53,289
It had a drop of blood on its beak.
Identical colour to ours.
Just one drop.
426
00:45:53,290 --> 00:45:55,969
Like a bright bead.
427
00:45:55,970 --> 00:46:00,569
Then all those brightly plumed
kids who left school,
428
00:46:00,570 --> 00:46:08,270
flying cheerfully and didn't get
far. Ran smack into World War II.
429
00:46:11,150 --> 00:46:15,809
That's right.
Look on the bright side!
430
00:46:15,810 --> 00:46:19,269
Cheer up.
431
00:46:19,270 --> 00:46:24,829
Little Tommy Naylor,
lying in Africa somewhere.
432
00:46:24,830 --> 00:46:31,510
Blood on his beak.
Identical colour to ours.
433
00:46:40,290 --> 00:46:45,550
'Ey, hang about, hang about.
434
00:47:39,490 --> 00:47:46,909
Four letter words were a gift
from the first bloke who ever laid
a spanner to an unyielding nut.
435
00:47:46,910 --> 00:47:54,509
Speaking of unyielding nuts,
how goes mankind this morning?
It's in the paper.
436
00:47:54,510 --> 00:47:57,709
There you are, then.
No, about Sam.
437
00:47:57,710 --> 00:48:00,609
I haven't got me reading glasses.
438
00:48:00,610 --> 00:48:05,049
"Mordroyd. Samuel H.
Beloved husband of Sybil."
439
00:48:05,050 --> 00:48:08,349
Are you sure it's the right one?
440
00:48:08,350 --> 00:48:13,509
"At his home after a long illness.
Funeral Monday."
441
00:48:13,510 --> 00:48:16,749
Did you hear that? AT HIS HOME!
442
00:48:16,750 --> 00:48:21,889
We've had more luck than we deserve
and GOT AWAY with it.
443
00:48:21,890 --> 00:48:26,330
So, now we can go and pay
our respects officially.
444
00:48:32,410 --> 00:48:39,029
FOGGY THINKS:
"It knocks a hole in the dignity
of it, him carrying that thing.
445
00:48:39,030 --> 00:48:45,950
"In the protocol of bereavement
there's no place for a rusty
bicycle wheel."
446
00:48:47,870 --> 00:48:50,750
'Ey up! It's dangerous round here.
447
00:48:50,850 --> 00:48:52,689
Steady on, madam.
448
00:48:52,690 --> 00:48:54,849
Don't stick up for 'im!
449
00:48:54,850 --> 00:48:56,929
Evil little monkey.
450
00:48:56,930 --> 00:49:03,190
What a thing to do to a married
woman! Wait till my 'usband's home!
451
00:49:03,290 --> 00:49:05,129
Steady, madam.
452
00:49:05,130 --> 00:49:06,390
Out of the way!
453
00:49:06,510 --> 00:49:07,989
I'm trying, I'm trying.
454
00:49:07,990 --> 00:49:10,190
Don't stick your nose in!
455
00:49:10,270 --> 00:49:12,890
That's it. Thee tell 'im, Nora!
456
00:49:12,990 --> 00:49:14,670
Don't you speak to me!
457
00:49:14,810 --> 00:49:19,310
She's all woman.
Quite a lot of is BRUSH!
458
00:49:19,430 --> 00:49:21,690
What's he supposed to have DONE?
459
00:49:21,790 --> 00:49:27,130
There's nothing SUPPOSED about it.
I know SUPPOSED from DONE!
460
00:49:27,210 --> 00:49:30,070
He had hold of my left leg!
461
00:49:32,970 --> 00:49:35,390
What have you got to say?
462
00:49:43,430 --> 00:49:45,269
Mistaken identity.
463
00:49:45,270 --> 00:49:50,549
There was only you there. Couldn't
be mistaken identity. My left leg!
464
00:49:50,550 --> 00:49:53,230
I thought it were your right one!
465
00:49:55,010 --> 00:49:59,930
Go on! Get off! All of you!
466
00:50:25,850 --> 00:50:28,670
Haven't you got a tie?
467
00:50:30,750 --> 00:50:33,289
What happened
to your bit of rope?
468
00:50:33,290 --> 00:50:36,890
At the laundry.
I'm not one of your scruffs.
469
00:50:40,470 --> 00:50:41,669
'Ey up!
470
00:50:41,670 --> 00:50:45,230
You'll manage.
Keep your hands in your pockets.
471
00:50:53,050 --> 00:50:56,310
Everybody else just brings flowers.
472
00:51:00,330 --> 00:51:04,569
We called to offer our condolences.
473
00:51:04,570 --> 00:51:06,509
And maybe pick up the suit.
474
00:51:06,510 --> 00:51:09,350
Not yet,
I haven't been through his pockets.
475
00:51:09,410 --> 00:51:11,629
We could give thee a hand.
476
00:51:11,630 --> 00:51:12,630
Listen, I...
477
00:51:14,890 --> 00:51:18,070
If there's anything we can do...
478
00:51:18,730 --> 00:51:26,109
You can tell me how he managed
to die in bed and still get his
slippers wet through,
479
00:51:26,110 --> 00:51:27,929
lipstick on him,
480
00:51:27,930 --> 00:51:30,909
and fluff all over his trousers.
481
00:51:30,910 --> 00:51:32,910
Couldn't a been easy.
482
00:51:33,070 --> 00:51:40,349
Poor old Sam, I hope he wasn't
wandering about or something -
half delirious?
483
00:51:40,350 --> 00:51:44,449
Me granddad's lips went purple when
he died.
484
00:51:44,450 --> 00:51:47,550
This looked like PASSION PINK.
485
00:51:47,990 --> 00:51:51,390
His looked like he'd been eating
blackberries.
486
00:51:51,470 --> 00:51:53,390
Shut up. Listen...
487
00:51:54,250 --> 00:51:56,950
Ugh, who does your laundry?
488
00:52:00,170 --> 00:52:03,009
Have you a piece of string, Sybil?
489
00:52:03,010 --> 00:52:04,389
Look in the shed.
490
00:52:04,390 --> 00:52:07,849
Could we pay our respects to Sam?
491
00:52:07,850 --> 00:52:10,870
He's in the shed as well.
492
00:52:11,450 --> 00:52:12,989
In the shed?
In the shed?
In the shed?
493
00:52:12,990 --> 00:52:16,990
I'm not having his cronies trampling
my carpets!
494
00:52:27,130 --> 00:52:32,109
Typical of Sybil.
Keeps her dead in the shed.
495
00:52:32,110 --> 00:52:35,610
Unorthodox, but practical.
496
00:52:53,230 --> 00:52:55,150
Don't 'e look well?
497
00:53:05,930 --> 00:53:08,129
It's their kid.
498
00:53:08,130 --> 00:53:12,910
Come to raise a stink about Sam
being in here. There you are.
499
00:53:13,030 --> 00:53:14,430
Oh, ta.
500
00:53:16,950 --> 00:53:21,910
I'm glad you're here, give us a hand
with our kid. I should think so!
501
00:53:37,990 --> 00:53:42,870
Right, hold it there while me and
my mate get that lathe.
502
00:53:43,630 --> 00:53:47,510
And them tools.
He left thee them remember.
503
00:53:48,430 --> 00:53:50,430
He left me the lot!
504
00:53:57,450 --> 00:54:01,310
Well, I think it's terrible.
505
00:54:03,510 --> 00:54:07,950
I think we should be grateful
their Colin left the shed.
506
00:54:11,150 --> 00:54:12,630
♪ Gone...
507
00:54:14,210 --> 00:54:17,270
♪ ...has my lover,
508
00:54:19,450 --> 00:54:26,150
♪ No familiar step upon the stair
509
00:54:27,590 --> 00:54:31,070
♪ Now... I'm alone... ♪
510
00:54:34,210 --> 00:54:37,230
BIG SPENDER
♪ Would you like
to have fun, fun, fun? ♪
511
00:54:37,530 --> 00:54:42,830
It's no place for 'im to spend
'is last weekend.
512
00:54:45,390 --> 00:54:48,250
I'd have 'im, and welcome.
513
00:54:49,890 --> 00:54:55,310
At least with me,
e' could have me best room.
514
00:54:56,310 --> 00:55:02,810
I could keep 'im nice, till they
were ready for 'im on Monday.
515
00:55:02,890 --> 00:55:09,310
Yes, well, as a tactical problem,
I'd say it could be done.
516
00:55:10,650 --> 00:55:14,270
You see, all we need is
the transport.
517
00:55:59,831 --> 00:56:03,171
Mind the gate, it... SQUEAK!
518
00:56:23,371 --> 00:56:24,710
'Ey up, 'ey up!
519
00:56:24,711 --> 00:56:28,470
We need your jacket for a curtain.
Why mine?
520
00:56:28,471 --> 00:56:32,971
It looks like an old curtain,
now hang it over the window.
521
00:56:37,611 --> 00:56:41,090
Aaah!
What's the matter with you?
522
00:56:41,091 --> 00:56:43,370
It's Sam, he's laughing at us.
523
00:56:43,371 --> 00:56:47,411
He's always like that.
He never used to be.
524
00:56:47,531 --> 00:56:50,370
Pull yourself together.
525
00:56:50,371 --> 00:56:55,531
This is the last time I'm taking
him to Lily, Bless Her's.
526
00:56:56,051 --> 00:56:58,210
Where're you going with that coffin?
527
00:56:58,211 --> 00:57:00,010
You KNOW where.
528
00:57:00,011 --> 00:57:05,571
Not with the COFFIN. Me van's not
a furniture lorry you know.
529
00:57:10,231 --> 00:57:15,971
Put your jacket on and
get hold of his feet.
I don't fancy 'is feet!
530
00:57:16,051 --> 00:57:18,891
Listen to who's talking.
531
00:57:22,071 --> 00:57:24,110
What is wrong?
532
00:57:24,111 --> 00:57:27,951
Well, he feels..
- Different.
533
00:58:08,011 --> 00:58:09,031
Never again.
534
00:58:09,631 --> 00:58:13,551
But we have to bring him back for
his funeral.
535
00:58:13,911 --> 00:58:15,491
Oh my God!
536
00:58:15,691 --> 00:58:19,791
What do we leave in the coffin in
the meantime?
537
00:58:19,871 --> 00:58:22,870
We need some sort of a dummy.
538
00:58:22,871 --> 00:58:24,510
Fairburn.
539
00:58:24,511 --> 00:58:29,870
Co-op tailoring.
He'll lend us a window dummy.
540
00:58:29,871 --> 00:58:31,891
At this time of night?
541
00:58:32,211 --> 00:58:34,790
If 'e knows what's good for 'im.
542
00:58:34,791 --> 00:58:40,750
Hang about. We can't just leave an
empty coffin. Suppose Sybil looks in.
543
00:58:40,751 --> 00:58:44,150
Needs to be something in the coffin.
544
00:58:44,151 --> 00:58:49,051
There's only one thing it can be.
One of you lot. I'm driving.
545
00:58:52,291 --> 00:58:55,971
Right.
Short straw stays in the coffin.
546
00:59:06,891 --> 00:59:11,871
I suppose you think it's funny.
I bet it's not even aired.
547
00:59:12,711 --> 00:59:17,610
Fits thee like a glove, Foggy.
Tha's never looked better.
548
00:59:17,611 --> 00:59:20,370
Hurry up and get that dummy.
549
00:59:20,371 --> 00:59:22,411
Oh, get off, will you!
550
00:59:36,811 --> 00:59:41,571
Don't pass the police station.
Go the long way round,
551
00:59:51,591 --> 00:59:57,771
It's nowt. Just the petrol feed.
I'll clear it in a jiffy.
552
01:00:20,171 --> 01:00:24,490
I used to bring my ferrets up here,
on a bike.
553
01:00:24,491 --> 01:00:27,331
Never knew your ferrets had a bike.
554
01:00:31,631 --> 01:00:36,911
I could do with a Jimmy Riddle.
Make that two, it's all this
excitement. And the beer.
555
01:00:41,491 --> 01:00:43,890
She'll be all right now.
556
01:00:43,891 --> 01:00:51,811
Wish I'd thought about this before
I started on the engine. Hell of a
place to leave FINGERPRINTS.
557
01:01:22,511 --> 01:01:23,590
Hello Sid.
558
01:01:23,591 --> 01:01:25,871
I thought it was your wagon.
559
01:01:25,951 --> 01:01:28,450
Doing a bit of chipping up here?
560
01:01:28,451 --> 01:01:31,950
Thought I'd give it a try,
catch the late night trade.
561
01:01:31,951 --> 01:01:37,631
Money grabber.
Be back in half an hour,
save us a couple of fish.
562
01:01:42,671 --> 01:01:49,871
Oh my God!
Now I'll have to light up all me
pans. Put me in a nice haddock.
563
01:01:58,631 --> 01:02:03,890
He's scratching to go out again.
You sure he did his bizzy?
Yes
564
01:02:03,891 --> 01:02:06,210
Did you actually see it?
565
01:02:06,211 --> 01:02:10,831
It's dark out there, should I dabble
for it with me fingers?
566
01:02:19,251 --> 01:02:20,531
Me beer!
567
01:02:20,671 --> 01:02:24,830
Don't you dare hurt that sweet
harmless creature.
568
01:02:24,831 --> 01:02:28,310
He can't help it.
He's all knotted up inside.
569
01:02:28,311 --> 01:02:33,811
Just because
you don't walk him properly
and see he does his functions.
570
01:02:37,271 --> 01:02:40,950
I'll take him,
I'll go out there in the dark.
571
01:02:40,951 --> 01:02:45,450
What do you care if there's someone
lurking out there intent on rape.
572
01:02:45,451 --> 01:02:48,010
Who'd rape a pedigree poodle?
573
01:02:48,011 --> 01:02:51,151
All right. I'll walk
the damn thing.
574
01:02:53,991 --> 01:02:59,091
Where the hell are they?
What time is it?
575
01:03:04,331 --> 01:03:08,051
Don't just sniff about.
Do something.
576
01:03:13,451 --> 01:03:15,411
Not in THERE.
577
01:03:23,391 --> 01:03:28,650
Here! You can't disturb people when
they've got a death in the house.
578
01:03:28,651 --> 01:03:30,730
Well in the shed, anyway.
579
01:03:30,731 --> 01:03:35,951
Poor old devil. She wouldn't really
leave him in the shed, would she?
580
01:03:50,311 --> 01:03:56,651
And one, no peas...
and give us 4 fishcakes...
581
01:03:56,851 --> 01:03:59,811
Have you got any prawns?
582
01:03:59,911 --> 01:04:04,310
Listen, fartface. It's gone midnight
on a lonely road.
583
01:04:04,311 --> 01:04:08,131
You want topless waitress
and a bloody cabaret?
584
01:04:09,451 --> 01:04:13,731
Right... 4, no prawns.
585
01:04:33,011 --> 01:04:36,931
What time is it by your clock?
586
01:04:49,111 --> 01:04:54,171
All right, all right.
No blasted prawns.
587
01:04:59,811 --> 01:05:05,651
I want the police. It's my 'usband,
he's DISAPPEARED.
588
01:05:15,411 --> 01:05:19,090
Ah, he looks more at 'ome here.
589
01:05:19,091 --> 01:05:22,770
Doesn't he look more at 'ome here?
590
01:05:22,771 --> 01:05:25,770
You were a LONG time. What kept ya?
591
01:05:25,771 --> 01:05:27,951
Don't ask.
592
01:05:31,311 --> 01:05:33,591
I hate having to do this.
593
01:05:36,491 --> 01:05:41,610
It's gonna be difficult
keeping his missus in the dark.
594
01:05:41,611 --> 01:05:44,210
Maybe she'll forgive 'im.
595
01:05:44,211 --> 01:05:46,951
Then she'll make him suffer.
596
01:05:51,311 --> 01:05:53,811
You've got to help us.
597
01:05:53,931 --> 01:05:57,130
On account we know too much.
598
01:05:57,131 --> 01:06:00,931
The wife asks have you been
drinking.
599
01:06:01,111 --> 01:06:05,150
We need a shop window dummy.
600
01:06:05,151 --> 01:06:10,270
I think she strongly suspects you've
been drinking.
601
01:06:10,271 --> 01:06:15,050
If it wasn't crisis time,
we wouldn't ask.
602
01:06:15,051 --> 01:06:19,231
Greetings to your missus
from 'er-on-the-bacon-counter.
603
01:06:21,291 --> 01:06:27,650
He's tall -
and he has sensitive features.
604
01:06:27,651 --> 01:06:29,710
Any distinguishing marks?
605
01:06:29,711 --> 01:06:32,150
Distinguishing mar...
606
01:06:32,151 --> 01:06:37,450
He's dead, isn't he?
You think he's DEAD!
607
01:06:37,451 --> 01:06:42,771
They're not usually dead, madam,
just run off with some other woman.
608
01:07:11,251 --> 01:07:17,391
She's called the police!
Can't tell them what I've seen,
they'd lock me away.
609
01:07:24,960 --> 01:07:28,300
Oh my God, two killers and a corpse!
610
01:07:34,000 --> 01:07:40,860
I heard a moan.
I distinctly heard something moan.
611
01:07:50,780 --> 01:07:53,520
Oh, stuff me!
612
01:07:58,520 --> 01:08:00,780
Get off! Get off!
613
01:08:21,500 --> 01:08:25,140
That's him! He's coming back to me!
614
01:08:32,720 --> 01:08:36,220
Where the hell have you been?
Don't you start.
615
01:09:15,680 --> 01:09:18,239
Alice, will you let me in!
616
01:09:18,240 --> 01:09:25,300
Why are we going through all this?
I lent some friends
a dummy, that's all.
617
01:09:46,840 --> 01:09:49,279
I've done 24 butterfly buns.
618
01:09:49,280 --> 01:09:53,739
You'll want some fresh scones,
a nice piece of ham and some sherry.
619
01:09:53,740 --> 01:09:56,439
No alcohol, we've got enough drunks!
620
01:09:56,440 --> 01:10:02,640
Him-Further-Down was brought home
last night and he tried to strangle
his poodle!
621
01:10:10,840 --> 01:10:13,199
'Ey up, Ivy. We've called for Sid.
622
01:10:13,200 --> 01:10:16,279
He's upstairs. Come in a minute.
623
01:10:16,280 --> 01:10:19,639
We won't inconvenience you...
We'll see him at the pub.
624
01:10:19,640 --> 01:10:25,640
It's no bother. I've told you,
I want to talk to you lot.
625
01:10:44,980 --> 01:10:52,159
Just tell me how it is that you lot
knew all about Sam being dead
626
01:10:52,160 --> 01:10:54,460
before anybody else did?
627
01:10:57,440 --> 01:11:02,560
Yes, well, um... we were very close.
628
01:11:03,240 --> 01:11:09,259
I don't know what you're doing, but
I WON'T have him dragged into it.
629
01:11:09,260 --> 01:11:15,260
You start off these daft games and
sometimes they end up serious.
630
01:11:24,560 --> 01:11:29,599
I wish it was over. Why did we
take him back to Lily, Bless Her's?
631
01:11:29,600 --> 01:11:32,599
It seemed a good idea last night.
632
01:11:32,600 --> 01:11:34,859
How does it seem today?
633
01:11:34,860 --> 01:11:39,500
There's one consolation,
things can't get worse.
634
01:11:55,220 --> 01:11:59,599
I really don't fancy carting Sam
about again.
635
01:11:59,600 --> 01:12:04,980
It's got to be done. We must get
him back in time for his funeral.
636
01:12:06,040 --> 01:12:08,479
My missus is getting suspicious.
637
01:12:08,480 --> 01:12:13,020
Do what any decent husband would -
keep lying.
638
01:13:00,400 --> 01:13:05,220
It's too late now, anyway.
It's getting light.
639
01:13:06,560 --> 01:13:08,300
That's it then.
640
01:13:09,600 --> 01:13:16,760
You'd better get off home now,
it's not your problem, but thanks.
641
01:13:25,920 --> 01:13:28,859
Well, what are we going to do now?
642
01:13:28,860 --> 01:13:31,639
We're going to have to tell Sybil.
643
01:13:31,640 --> 01:13:39,399
Not now, she'll still be in bed.
I'll get dressed and go round at 8.
No need for us all to go.
644
01:13:39,400 --> 01:13:43,940
You know how she feels about too
many feet on her carpets!
645
01:13:46,400 --> 01:13:50,700
Do they have central heating
in Her Majesty's Nick.
646
01:13:51,680 --> 01:13:56,320
I'd be the first Dewhirst
to go to prison. No comment.
647
01:14:12,550 --> 01:14:19,710
Any tea left?
We're in this together,
one goes, we all go.
648
01:14:22,170 --> 01:14:27,269
'Ey up, we're looking smart.
I'll change when we get there.
649
01:14:27,270 --> 01:14:29,489
When she gives me the suit.
650
01:14:29,490 --> 01:14:36,349
Nobody open their big gob about
anything till I have the suit.
651
01:14:36,350 --> 01:14:38,349
Done.
652
01:14:38,350 --> 01:14:42,550
We wouldn't come between you and
improvements in your tailoring.
653
01:14:43,830 --> 01:14:49,990
Get it down you. It's gonna be
a hard, dry morning.
654
01:14:52,450 --> 01:14:59,550
Make yourselves comfortable,
but watch me carpet
and don't spill that tea.
655
01:15:03,730 --> 01:15:05,549
Oh, Cousin Olive.
656
01:15:05,550 --> 01:15:09,070
This is my gentleman friend, Mr.
657
01:15:10,790 --> 01:15:12,110
Come in.
658
01:15:14,110 --> 01:15:16,470
Wipe yer feet.
659
01:15:21,530 --> 01:15:26,770
And no smoking. If you must smoke,
the smokers are in the shed.
660
01:15:28,510 --> 01:15:31,089
Who's that, then?
661
01:15:31,090 --> 01:15:34,429
That's Cousin Olive.
God knows who 'e is.
662
01:15:34,430 --> 01:15:36,789
Does she know
her skirt's too short?
663
01:15:36,790 --> 01:15:39,430
With her looks
she has to do something.
664
01:15:42,670 --> 01:15:49,190
God, look at this lot.
They're early, I thought
we'd be first.
665
01:15:50,450 --> 01:15:55,270
Don't forget, not a WORD till
I get my suit.
666
01:16:14,010 --> 01:16:20,049
Sorry, Sybil, but you'll have to
call round at Lily, Bless Her's.
667
01:16:20,050 --> 01:16:22,269
You what?
668
01:16:22,270 --> 01:16:26,769
Oh. 'Ey up, Nora.
669
01:16:26,770 --> 01:16:29,629
Tha's looking very tasty.
670
01:16:29,630 --> 01:16:34,689
Keep away. Have you been invited?
No. But I'm ready when you are.
671
01:16:34,690 --> 01:16:40,109
I wondered if you'd hear we had to
bring the funeral forward an hour.
672
01:16:40,110 --> 01:16:43,090
Quick - the suit! Wait here.
673
01:16:43,570 --> 01:16:45,090
Could we have a word?
674
01:16:50,910 --> 01:16:56,450
Tha looks a treat, Nora.
Keep your eyes off me legs.
675
01:16:57,730 --> 01:17:01,109
They really do suit you,
do funerals.
676
01:17:01,110 --> 01:17:04,230
Take it. But I want the hanger back.
677
01:17:05,030 --> 01:17:09,489
We'd like a word with you, Sybil.
In private.
678
01:17:09,490 --> 01:17:12,170
I haven't time now.
679
01:17:15,550 --> 01:17:20,410
Can we stop at the dairy on the
way back, I'm low on milk.
680
01:17:21,510 --> 01:17:26,029
Well, I tried. You heard me.
681
01:17:26,030 --> 01:17:28,709
What do we do now?
682
01:17:28,710 --> 01:17:33,530
There's nothing to it.
We just wait till they LYNCH us.
683
01:17:34,070 --> 01:17:37,530
She's been through every pocket.
684
01:17:55,330 --> 01:18:01,370
Oh my God. Who coloured that.
Get the lid on, quick.
685
01:18:32,370 --> 01:18:38,810
How's that for professional
negligence? They'll cremate
ANY damned thing.
686
01:18:39,510 --> 01:18:42,130
I'll get changed in the shed.
687
01:18:47,550 --> 01:18:51,990
We've got to stop it before it
goes any further.
688
01:18:55,450 --> 01:19:01,109
No, not here in the street
in front of all her neighbours.
689
01:19:01,110 --> 01:19:04,190
Wait till we get to the church.
690
01:19:18,750 --> 01:19:22,150
Anybody like a coconut mushroom?
691
01:19:45,990 --> 01:19:48,549
"Life. Funny.
692
01:19:48,550 --> 01:19:53,669
"Even the ordinary,
perhaps ESPECIALLY the ordinary,
693
01:19:53,670 --> 01:20:00,209
"from the standpoint of heaven, how
magical must Mottishaw's Bakery be.
694
01:20:00,210 --> 01:20:07,309
"Could Paradise boast anything rarer
than OK Motors Northern Ltd?
695
01:20:07,310 --> 01:20:09,689
"And what about us three?
696
01:20:09,690 --> 01:20:17,010
"Sucking coconut mushrooms
on our way to the last rites
of a co-op window dummy."
697
01:20:32,470 --> 01:20:34,010
Go on.
698
01:20:40,310 --> 01:20:43,649
My missus wants a word.
699
01:20:43,650 --> 01:20:49,730
Mind my suit. I'm helping a young
lady out of the car. Oooh!
700
01:20:50,330 --> 01:20:55,089
No time for that.
We've got to stop the funeral.
701
01:20:55,090 --> 01:20:57,110
You've time for this.
702
01:21:25,210 --> 01:21:28,570
It wasn't Sid's fault.
We made him do it.
703
01:21:28,970 --> 01:21:33,330
I reckon the blame's about equal.
You're equally thick.
704
01:21:38,030 --> 01:21:40,570
No more dummies, thank you.
705
01:21:40,870 --> 01:21:44,470
Not another dummy, it's YOUR dummy.
706
01:21:46,710 --> 01:21:48,709
Who's in the...?
707
01:21:48,710 --> 01:21:52,050
Who do you think's in. Sam's in.
708
01:21:55,130 --> 01:22:00,469
When he got home at dawn,
looking shifty,
I made him tell me about it.
709
01:22:00,470 --> 01:22:04,569
She thought it was
another woman.
I had to say something.
710
01:22:04,570 --> 01:22:10,290
Then she got the garage out,
started the van and
got Sam back in time.
711
01:22:11,110 --> 01:22:16,349
The only danger was in the street
so we wrapped him in brown paper,
712
01:22:16,350 --> 01:22:20,669
put his feet in a plant pot with
leaves showing at the top,
713
01:22:20,670 --> 01:22:24,550
and carried him into the shed.
Who'd notice that.
714
01:22:24,630 --> 01:22:28,109
Why didn't you tell us?
715
01:22:28,110 --> 01:22:33,390
I made him wait.
Thought it'd do you good
to sweat a bit.
716
01:22:34,070 --> 01:22:37,030
Oh, Ivy.
717
01:22:37,830 --> 01:22:40,510
What're you doing? Get away!
718
01:22:41,510 --> 01:22:43,110
Get off!
719
01:22:47,730 --> 01:22:51,230
♪ The Lord is my shepherd. ♪
720
01:23:35,910 --> 01:23:41,330
Oh, come on, get in.
721
01:24:07,750 --> 01:24:10,129
No! Not like that.
722
01:24:10,130 --> 01:24:14,789
Dammit.
You're not emptying an ashtray.
723
01:24:14,790 --> 01:24:19,710
This is a solemn moment.
It calls for a certain ceremony.
724
01:24:21,190 --> 01:24:25,390
If Sam's not bothered,
what's thee fussing for?
725
01:24:26,030 --> 01:24:29,530
Just leave it with me, all right?
726
01:24:30,670 --> 01:24:37,330
'E gets on my wick.
He's particular how he pours
people over the landscape.
727
01:24:59,510 --> 01:25:03,730
Farewell, Old Sam.
58573
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