All language subtitles for Maria Bamford - The Special Special Special

- THE REASON I DECIDED TO DO
THE SPECIAL HERE

UH, WAS BECAUSE IT IS FREE
TO PERFORM IN YOUR OWN HOME.

- WE ARE
AT THE MARIA BAMFORD SPECIAL!

ARE YOU GUYS PSYCHED?
ARE WE ALL PSYCHED?

- UH, SURE,
I'VE DONE TELEVISION SHOWS.

I'VE BEEN IN A FEW SECONDS
OF CERTAIN MOVIES,

BUT THE PEOPLE
I'M REALLY CREATING THINGS FOR

ARE JOEL AND MARILYN BAMFORD,
MY PARENTS.

I DO KNOW THEIR NAMES,
JOEL...

AND MARILYN BAMFORD.

- IT'S MARIA BAMFORD,

PERFORMING LIVE
IN HER OWN LIVING ROOM

IN EAGLE ROCK, CALIFORNIA.

IT'S
THE SPECIAL SPECIAL SPECIAL!

TONIGHT'S ONLY
AUDIENCE MEMBERS,

MARIA'S PARENTS.

- IT'S GONNA BE
A SPECIAL, SPECIAL SPECIAL.

MY CURLING IRON'S PRETTY HOT.

THESE CURLS ARE GONNA BE TIGHT.

- ALL RIGHT, AND WE'RE READY.

LET'S HEAR YOU LAUGH.
LET'S HEAR YOU LAUGH.

AND THAT'S WHAT I THINK.

THAT'S RIGHT.
WE'RE READY TO BEGIN.

WAYNE, LET'S GET SOME MUSIC
GOING, GET MARIA OUT HERE.

YOU KNOW HER FROM BIRTH.

YOU'VE KNOWN HER
FOR A LONG TIME,

SINCE THE VERY BEGINNING.

LET'S HAVE A BIG ROUND
OF APPLAUSE,

A BIG EAGLE ROCK WELCOME
FOR MARIA BAMFORD.

- JACKIE KASHIAN,
WAYNE FEDERMAN.

WHOA! BOOM!

YEAH.

YEAH, EAGLE ROCK!

THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING,
MOM AND DAD.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,

BUT I'M REALLY PRETTY CONCERNED
ABOUT CELEBRITY CHEF PAULA DEEN,

BECAUSE NOW HER RECIPES
REALLY READ LIKE A SUICIDE NOTE.

YOU KNOW, WE GONNA BE MAKING

SOME SWEET CREAMS,

LITTLE BALLS
OF BUTTER CHURNED IN CRISCO,

FATBACK CRACKLINGS,
BLUBBER,

MARGARINE, MAYONNAISE, EACH DAY
I WAKE TO A FRESH NIGHTMARE.

THE PAIN IS TOO GREAT.

ROLL THAT
IN SOME GRANULATED SUGAR,

POWDERED SUGAR, CANDY,

CANDY COAT, GUMMY SNACKS,
MELBA TOAST, CUPCAKES...

SOME NERDS.

DON'T LOOK FOR ME.

I'VE MADE A PLAN, AND I WILL
FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT.

DRESS THAT IN SOME FUDGE.

HEAVY CREAM,
WHIPPED CREAM, SOUR CREAM,

ICE CREAM, CAKE BATTER,
PEANUT BUTTER,

FRENCH-FRIED STUFF,
MARSHMALLOW FLUFF, WAFFLE.

AN EGG.

BON APETIT, AND GOOD-BYE."

SHE'LL BE FINE.

I'M TRYING TO LEARN TO COOK.

EVERYBODY ALWAYS SAYS
HOW EASY IT IS TO COOK,

BUT IT IS NOT ANY EASIER
THAN NOT COOKING.

OH, JUST GET A REALLY GOOD
VIRGIN OLIVE OIL.

UH, GIRL SCOUT COOKIE
WRAPPED IN MEAT?

OH, NO, JUST SLICE UP A COUPLE
OF VEGETABLES,

SQUEEZY CHEESE ON FINGER,
CAN OF WINE.

NO, JUST...

PREHEAT THE OVEN TO--
AAH!

HOT POWER BAR
FROM GLOVE COMPARTMENT.

OOH, DOODLY-DOO, DOODLY-DOO,
DOODLY-DOO.

FRESH FROM THE OVEN.

SO, UM...

I WISH THEY'D PROVIDE RECIPES
FOR FOOD

THAT YOU CAN GET
AT THE GAS STATION.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GAS STATION
TUNA FISH SANDWICH?

OH, MY GOSH. SO GOOD,
'CAUSE THERE'S NO TUNA IT.

IT'S JUST
A SCRUMPTIOUS FISHY NOUGAT.

OR A GAS STATION MUFFIN--

YOU'D HAVE TO START
WITH THE COLOR YELLOW.

THOSE BEAUTIFUL GOLDEN GIANTS,

HOW DO THEY MAKE THEM
SEEM SO REAL?

I ALWAYS WANT TO CALL UP

ONE OF THOSE
PUBLIC-RADIO COOKING SHOWS,

AND ASK, "HI, MY HUSBAND AND I--
WE LOVE THE SHOW.

"GUESTS ARE COMING IN AT 6:00.

"I'M GONNA PICK UP
THE SLURPEES AT 5:45.

"THE CORN-DOG TAQUITO ROLLERS--

IN ORDER TO KEEP THEM WARM,
DO I JUST SIT ON THEM?"

"I'LL TAKE MY ANSWER
OFF THE AIR."

I HAVE SOME FRIENDS
WHO ARE HEALTH ORIENTED,

AND THEY SAY THINGS LIKE,
"YOU KNOW, YOU LOVE CARROT CAKE.

ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS JUST PUT
A CARROT IN A CAKE PAN."

OH, YOU MEAN INSTEAD OF HAVING
SOMETHING THAT I REALLY LIKE,

HAVE A LOT OF SOMETHING
THAT I REALLY HATE?

IN THAT VEIN, I HAVE, UH...

EXCHANGED
MY AFTERNOON M&M SNACK

WITH A LONG WALK THROUGH
THE TUNNELS OF THE L.A. RIVER,

AND I LISTEN TO MYSELF
MAKING THIS NOISE.

IT'S ALMOST
A LITTLE TOO RICH.

A LITTLE TOO SWEET.

I WOULD LIKE TO BE
A VEGETARIAN,

BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO THINK
THAT I'D BE AN OSKAR SCHINDLER

IN THE FACE
OF A SYSTEMATIC GENOCIDE,

BUT APPARENTLY, FIRST, THEY CAME
FOR THE CHEESEBURGERS,

AND I SAID NOTHING
'CAUSE I WAS NOT A CHEESEBURGER.

OKAY.

NOT COOL.

NOT COOL.

OKAY.

AH, HA HA!

COOKIES. COOKIES!

THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT SO SPECIAL.

HEY, RIGHT?

ANYBODY?

OOH, AH.
COOKIES, HERE YOU GO.

HERE YOU GO.
PLEASE.

- WOW.
- PLEASE TAKE ONE OR--

- WELL, YEAH--

WELL, OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE TWO.

WE GOT TO MAKE SURE
THERE'S ENOUGH

FOR EVERYBODY IN THE CREW.

GOT TO MAKE SURE.

WOULD YOU LIKE A COOKIE?

YES.

♪ ♪

YES.

OH, SOUND FRIEND?

WE'LL HAVE TO KEEP...

- HERE, I'LL TAKE THE TRAY.

- OH, OKAY.
OH, GREAT, GREAT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OKAY.

VERY NICE.
VERY NICE.

NOW, I SEE
THERE'S A LOVING COUPLE

IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT.

I MYSELF HAVE NOT HAD
A LOT OF CONFIDENCE.

I HAVE NOT HAD THE GIFT OF,
"YEAH, WE BOTH MET,

AND WE BOTH
JUST KIND OF KNEW."

OH, OH, SO YOU GUYS NEVER FIGHT
ABOUT ANYTHING?

"OH...

HE DOESN'T LIKE ONIONS."

OH, SO YOU NEVER HAD ANY ISSUES
YOU HAD TO WORK THROUGH

WITH, LIKE, A FUCKING WORKBOOK?

"YOU KNOW, IF WERE YOU, I'D JUST
WATCH OUT FOR RED FLAGS."

OH, OKAY.

BUT WHAT IF I'M, LIKE,
A FLAG FACTORY

THAT ONLY MANUFACTURES
GIANT RED FLAGS.

"MAYBE YOU NEED TO LEARN
TO BE THE ONE

BEFORE YOU MEET THE ONE."

OH, IS THAT BOB DYLAN?

HE'S SO FUNNY.

"HEY, GOOD LUCK."

YEAH, GOOD LUCK WITH WHATEVER
YOU'RE DOING, MERLIN,

THE MAGICIAN WITH YOUR BOOK
OF SPELLS AND POTIONS.

UH...

I HEARD A D.J. SAY
ON THE RAH-DIO,

"YEAH, IF A WOMAN'S OVER 40
AND SHE'S NEVER BEEN MARRIED,

THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG
WITH HER."

OH, NO!

OH, NO! OH, NO!
OH, NO! OH, NO!

OH, NO! OH, NO!
OH, NO! OH, NO!

OH, NO! OH, NO!

OH, NO!

"YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB."

OH, WHO'S THAT?
"YOUR SELF-ESTEEM."

AWESOME.

YEAH, CERTAINLY,

UM, THERE'S THE POSSIBILITY
OF DYING ALONE,

UH, BUT I'M FUN.

PRETTY SOON THEY'RE GONNA WHEEL
YOUR WHEELCHAIR INTO A WALL

AND FORGET ABOUT YOU
FOR FIVE HOURS.

"MISS BAMFORD, WE'D WONDERED
WHERE YOU'D GONE."

OH, I WAS JUST WORKING OUT

THIS PUZZLE IN THE AIR.

I FINISHED THE OLD MILL,

AND NOW I'M FINDING PIECES
OF SKY.

"YOU GONNA SPEND TIME

WITH MR. PETERSON
LATER THIS AFTERNOON?"

OH, NO,
WE'RE JUST KEEPING IT CASUAL.

IF YOU, UM...

EVER GET
IN A TERRIBLE RELATIONSHIP--

SOMETIMES THAT CAN HAPPEN.
YOU MAKE A MISTAKE.

MY LAST BOYFRIEND--HE SAID,
"SOMETIMES I GET ARRESTED

'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE ICE
IN MY DRINKS."

AND I SAID,
"OH, MY GOD, THAT'S GREAT,

"BECAUSE I CRY AT EVERYTHING.

LET'S HELP EACH OTHER."

ALSO, IF YOUR SWEET PEA SAYS
SOMETHING LIKE,

"HEY, BABE, I JUST WANT
TO LET YOU KNOW,

I WOULD NEVER HIT YOU."

OOH, YOU'RE GONNA BE GETTING
A BEATDOWN, YEP, RIGHT QUICK.

BRACE FOR IMPACT.

PAPA'S COMING HOME.

AND I KNOW
THE SIGNS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE,

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN
IN AN OFF-AND-ON,

POTENTIALLY VOLATILE
RELATIONSHIP WITH MYSELF.

UM, I KNOW I SEEM REALLY
CHARMING WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER,

BUT I'LL KEEP IT DOWN,
'CAUSE I HAVE A BIT OF A TEMPER.

WHENEVER IT'S JUST ME,
ALL OF A SUDDEN--

I CAN'T PREDICT IT--

FOR NO REASON AT ALL,
I'LL START YELLING AT MYSELF.

WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THE GYM,
AND HAVE A BABY?

BUT THEN I CAN BE SO SWEET.

I MEAN, LATER,
I'LL MAKE IT UP TO MYSELF,

AND I'LL BUY MYSELF
A HERMIT CRAB

AND PAINT THE SHELL
MY FAVORITE NFL TEAM COLORS--

PURPLE PEOPLE-EATERS.

IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE
THAT SIDE OF ME.

I'M SO SWEET, SO SWEET.

YEAH, THE GREAT THING
ABOUT GETTING OLDER

IS I STOPPED LYING
TO GET INTO RELATIONSHIPS.

YOU KNOW WHEN SOMEBODY ASKS YOU,

"HAVE YOU SEEN THAT MOVIE?"

YES.

IT'S GOO--NOT.

I HAVEN'T--
I HAVEN'T SEEN IT.

I JUST WANT TO CONNECT.

I WANT US
TO KEEP BEING TOGETHER.

ON THE, UH--

I WAS ON EHARMONY,
AS WELL AS ATTACH.GLOM,

AND...

THOSE ONES WERE, UH...

I CAST A WIDE NET.

I SAID I WAS
A LITTLE MORE ACTIVE

AND FLEXIBLE
THAN I TRULY AM, YOU KNOW.

HEY, GUYS,
I CAN PULL ON A SPARKLY GOWN

AND GO TO THE STEAK HOUSE,

OR I CAN...

STRAP US BOTH TO A BOXCAR
AND RIDE THE RAILS.

NO, I WORK HARD.
I PLAY HARDER.

I'LL REST WHEN I'M DEAD,
AND I'M NEVER GONNA DIE.

GOT YOUR PASSPORT?
LET'S GO PARASAIL-CLIMB-BIKING.

MY CURRENT AD READS,

"I CAN WEAR THE SAME OUTFIT
FOR FIVE DAYS,

"OR I CAN CROUCH NAKED
IN THE SHOWER

AND GET REAL SMALL."

I SLEEP HARD.
I DREAM HARDER.

I'M ON A ROLLER COASTER
WITH MY DOGS AND BEYONCE.

I WILL WAKE UP WHEN IT'S TIME.

GOT YOUR LIBRARY CARD?

LET'S GO PAY OFF SOME
OF MY FINES,

'CAUSE I DO NOT BORROW BOOKS.

I LEASE.

I LIKE THERE TO BE
A PUBLIC RECORD

OF ME STEALING SOMETHING.

MOM, DAD,
I HATE TO STOP THE SHOW,

BUT I HAVE TO GIVE BURT
HIS EYE MEDS.

- IT'S OKAY, HONEY.
- AW, IT'S OKAY.

- OKAY, YOU GUYS ARE GREAT.

[upbeat fun music,
applause]

BURT, WE GOT TO PUT IN
YOUR EYE MEDS IN.

YEAH, YEAH, MY BUD.

WE NEED TO PUT A LITTLE BIT
IN HERE.

IT'S SO IMPORTANT

TO PUT IN THE MOISTURIZERS,

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE
A HARDWORKING PUG,

THINGS CAN GET DRY.

IT'S THE SAME
FOR PEOPLE AS WELL.

AND BURT'S BASICALLY A PERSON.

HE DESIGNS MENSWEAR.

HE'S NOT GAY,
BUT, YOU KNOW, HE'S OPEN TO--

HE LOVES BEING A MAN.

OKAY, BURT,
LET'S GO DO THE SHOW.

YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GUY
IN THE WORLD.

♪ ♪

OKAY.

♪ ♪

I STARTED MENTORING KIDS
IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD

WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE.

"YOU'RE WEIRD."

YOU'RE WEIRD.

"MY MOM'S GONNA KILL YOU."

MY MOM GONNA KILL YOU.

"I'M GONNA TELL MY MOM

YOU'VE BEEN SWEARING
IN FRONT OF US."

OH, GOD DAMN YOU.

I ALREADY FUCKING TOLD MY MOM,
SOME OF THE SHIT YOU SAID TO ME.

"YOU'RE THE ONLY WHITE PERSON

ON OUR BLOCK."

I KNOW!

"WHY DID YOU MOVE HERE?"

"'CAUSE IT'S MEXICAN--
I'M A MEXICAN."

OKAY, THAT'S RACIS-CIS-CISTA.

"NO, I CAN SAY I'M MEXICAN

BECAUSE I'M MEXICAN.

LA MAESTRA
BECOMES EL ESTUDIANTE.

- OH.

"MY DAD SAID YOU'RE A COMEDIAN."

YEAH.

"TELL ME A JOKE."

IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.

"HOW CAN YOU BE A COMEDIAN

IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY JOKES?"

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

CALL MY MANAGER.
HE'LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.

UH...

I'M NOT SAVING ALL THE LOVE
IN MY HEART ANYMORE

FOR ROMANCE, YOU KNOW?

WHY NOT PUT
ALL THAT POOR BOUNDARIES

AND HIGH EXPECTATIONS
TOWARDS EVERYONE IN MY LIFE?

I STARTED CALLING MY PARENTS.

"DAD, WHAT HAPPENED?"

"WHAT?"
"YOU SAID YOU'D CALL."

"I THOUGHT
IT WAS JUST YESTERDAY."

"YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S OVER."

"OKAY, I'LL GET YOUR MOTHER."

I'VE STARTED TO LISTEN
TO THE EMOTIONS

BEHIND THE WORDS
OF MY LIQUOR-STORE CLERK.

"JUST THE DIET COKE?"

YEAH. YOU SOUND FRUSTRATED.

"NO, I'M FINE."

OKAY, JUST--

I WOULD NEVER WANT
TO UPSET YOU.

YOU'D LET ME KNOW IF YOU FELT--
FELT ANGRY AT ME.

"DID YOU JUST
WANT THE DIET COKE?"

WELL, I JUST--
YOU MEAN A LOT TO ME.

WHERE ELSE AM I GONNA GET

FREEZER-BURNT HAAGEN DAZS
FOR $9,

SOAP THAT DOESN'T WORK,

DIRECTLY ACROSS THE STREET
AT FOUR IDENTICAL LIQUOR STORES?

I DON'T KNOW IF THESE MEN'S
SLIPPERS THAT I BOUGHT HERE

WILL CARRY ME THAT FAR.

"YOU'RE TRYING TO FIX IT.

I JUST NEED A WITNESS
TO MY EXPERIENCE."

I'M TRYING TO LEARN, UH...

SOME OF THE LANGUAGES
AROUND MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

I'VE LEARNED
A LITTLE PRETEND SPANISH.

OH, OH.

TURNS OUT, I'M QUITE PROFICIENT
AT PRETEND LANGUAGES.

OF COURSE, I HAVE SOME PRETEND
SWAHILI I'M WORKING ON.

TRYING TO LOSE MY ACCENT.

PRETTY MUCH A NATIVE SPEAKER
IN PRETEND TIGER.

OH, YOU GUYS
DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT?

SORRY.

'CAUSE IT'S IN FUCKING TIGER.

I HAVE A HARD TIME OPENING UP,
CONNECTING IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD,

SAYING "HI" TO PEOPLE,

AND, UM...

I DO HAVE A GIFT,
THOUGH, FOR...

SEEMING AWKWARD,

AND I'M A LITTLE SHY,

SO, UH...

SOMETIMES
I, UH, DON'T SAY MUCH.

AND, UH...

THAT HAPPENED THE OTHER NIGHT

WHEN I WAS WITH MY FRIEND
AND HER FRIENDS.

THEY DIDN'T KNOW ME.

ALL I SAID THE WHOLE NIGHT WAS,

"I'M WEARING MY ROOSTER DRESS,"

WHICH I WAS, UH...

BUT THEY THOUGHT THAT I MIGHT BE
DEVELOPMENTALLY DISABLED.

THEN I READ THAT PEOPLE
WHO ARE MENTALLY RETARDED

OFTEN BRING
ENTIRE COMMUNITIES TOGETHER

BECAUSE THEY LACK
THE SOCIAL AWARENESS

THAT MAKES LONELINESS
POSSIBLE.

THEY'RE SO STUPID.

SO I'M TAKING A PAGE FROM
THAT BOOK OF MOSTLY PICTURES,

GOING TO MY LOCAL CAFE,

AND REALLY BEING MORE MYSELF.

HI!

HI.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME, HIPSTER.
YOU GOT YOUR EAR BUDS IN!

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

"UH, MY NAME'S STEVE."

HI, DAVE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
ON YOUR LAB

"JUST WORKING ON SOMETHING
FOR MY BAND."

DAVE'S IN A BAND, EVERYBODY!

DAVE PLAYS MUSIC.

DAVE...
DAVE, DAVE, DAVE, DAVE, DAVE,

I'M WRITING A BOOK ABOUT HAWKS.

IT'S CALLED HAWK BOOK,

CAN I GO POUR MYSELF
A GRANDE OF FREE HALF

BECAUSE IT IS FREE.

AND PEOPLE BEGIN TO CONNECT.

"OH, YOU KNOW, MARIA--
SHE'S SO SWEET.

"WE, UH--
YOUR NAME'S DAVE?

"I'M IN MUSIC TOO.
YEAH, THAT'S COOL.

MARIA, DO YOU WANT THE CRUMBS
FROM THE BAKERY CASE?"

YES, I DO, CARMEN!

WEAVING TOGETHER
A STRONG SOCIAL NETWORK

IS THE DUMB-DUMB.

OKAY, THERE ARE NOW
37 POT CLINICS ON MY BLOCK.

UH, WENT INSIDE
THE HUMMINGBIRD COLLECTIVE,

AND I SAID, "WOULD YOU MIND
IF I OPENED A POT CLINIC,

"LIKE, INSIDE OF A POT CLINIC?

"LIKE, A LITTLE TINY, TINY,

"LIKE, INSIDE OF A TINY,
SUPER-TINY POT CLINIC,

BUT INSIDE OF, LIKE,
THIS POT CLINIC?"

'CAUSE I DON'T NEED
A PRESCRIPTION TO HAVE FUN.

OH, THERE'S A NEW BUILDING
IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD, AND, UM...

HAVE YOU EVER HAD THAT HAPPEN,
WHERE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS?

AND IT SAYS "VINEYARD OUTREACH"
OR "OASIS"

OR MY NEIGHBORHOOD,
IT WAS CALLED "THE ROCK,"

AND THERE'S A GUY
HANDING OUT SOME FLYERS.

"YOU COMING ON DOWN TO THE ROCK
THIS WEEKEND?

WE GOT LIVE MUSIC, FOOD, DRINKS,
STUFF FOR THE KIDS."

UH...
THAT SOUNDS LIKE CHURCH.

"NO, IT'S A TEEN CENTER

"WITH COMMUNITY-BASED
HEALTH INITIATIVES

AND A PREGNANCY COUNSELING--
YEAH, IT'S CHURCH."

I WOULDN'T GET MAD,

BUT THEY HAVE GENUINELY TRIED
TO TRICK ME.

"WANT TO COME TO A SHOW?"

YEAH, WHERE'S IT AT?

"COOL NEW COFFEE SHOP."

OH, YEAH, WHAT'S IT CALLED?

"CROSSROADS."

NO!

STOP LURKING
BEHIND YOUR JIMI HENDRIX FONT.

IF YOU WANT TO GET THE NUMBERS
IN, DO THE SWITCHEROO.

JUST CALL IT SOMETHING
EVERYBODY WANTS TO GO TO.

"YOU COMING ON DOWN
TO SEX HOLE?"

YES!

YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE
TO ADVERTISE SEX HOLE.

EVERYBODY WANTS TO GO
TO SEX HO-O-O-LE.

WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE?

"WELL, YOU GOT TO COME ON IN
TO FIND OUT."

OH!

THAT--

MM.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE CHURCH.

I WILL NOT BE ATTENDING.

HEY, ARE YOU GUYS OKAY?

DO YOU HAVE TO, YOU KNOW,
GO TO THE--THE POD,

THE POWDER ROOM?

MY DAD, UM...

HAD PROSTATE SURGERY,
AND, UM...

SO NOW, UM, HE HAS A BAG.

♪ ♪

YEAH.

YEAH.

UH, I HOPE NOBODY HERE
IS DEEPLY RELIGIOUS.

IF YOU ARE, PLEASE JUST REST
IN THE GLORY THAT I AM WRONG.

UH, I AM TRYING TO BE
MORE SPIRITUAL--

I MEAN MORE SELF-RIGHTEOUS.

I GET THOSE CONFUSED.

I-I WISH THAT SCIENCE--

IF THERE IS A SCIENCE--

WOULD COME UP
WITH A BRAIN RIDE,

WHERE YOU COULD TAKE A RIDE
IN SOMEONE'S BRAIN

AND SEE ALL THEIR THOUGHTS
AND THEIR MEMORIES

AND THEIR FEELINGS

AND WHY THEY DO
THE THINGS THEY DO

AND WHY THEY FEEL
THE WAY THEY DO.

AND I KNOW THERE'S A LOW-TECH
VERSION JUST CALLED "LISTENING,"

BUT I WANT A RIDE!

I WANT A RIDE.

UM...

I WOULD LIKE TO BELIEVE
IN SOMETHING.

I'VE HEARD IT IS SUPPOSED
TO FEEL GOOD.

THIS IS WHAT I IMAGINE IT FEELS
LIKE TO BELIEVE IN GOD.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE
IN A THIRD-WORLD SHANTYTOWN

AT MIDNIGHT

AND YOU'RE TERRIFIED,

BUT THEN OFF IN THE DISTANCE,

YOU SEE THE GLOWING LOGO OF
AN INTERNATIONAL CONGLOMERATE,

AND YOU JUST FEEL LIKE...

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY!

OH, SOMEONE'S LOOKING OUT
FOR ME.

MAYBE IT'S TIME I SEEK
THE EXXON WITHIN.

MY MOM, UH, SAYS, UH,

"HONEY, WHATEVER YOU THINK ABOUT
ALL THE TIME,

THAT IS WHAT YOU WORSHIP."

OH.

IF THAT'S THE CASE,

I'D LIKE EVERYONE TO POP OPEN
THEIR DIET COKE CANS,

SURROUND THEMSELVES
WITH OBESE HOUSE PETS,

TURN TO PAGE 37
IN THEIR PEOPLE MAGAZINES.

THIS HOLY SCRIPTURE--WE READ THE
PARABLE OF MISS KIRSTIE ALLEY.

ONCE ON TELEVISION,
THEN LOST FROM POP CULTURE.

NOW WELCOME BACK
INTO THE ZEITGEIST AGAIN,

AND THE WORST DRESSED
SHALL BE THE BEST DRESSED,

AND THE BEST DRESSED
SHALL BE THE WORST DRESSED.

I FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT,

THAT I WORSHIP CELEBRITIES,

BUT THEIR MOODS
CREATE WEATHER.

OF COURSE, I'M A TINY,
FRIGHTENED ANIMAL.

I'M GONNA LOOK TOWARDS THE MOST
POWERFUL- AND FERTILE-APPEARING

OF OUR SPECIES FOR INFORMATION
ON HOW TO SURVIVE.

NEED TO FIND OUT WHAT THAT
JENNIFER ANISTON IS DOING.

SHE'S A STRONG, SEXY MONKEY.

SHE'S GONNA TELL US WHERE
ALL THE BANANAS ARE LOCATED.

SHE WAS QUOTED AS SAYING,
"I ALWAYS SAY,

'DON'T MAKE PLANS,
MAKE OPTIONS.'"

SO YOU DON'T MAKE PLANS.

YOU MAKE, LIKE, A SHITLOAD
OF PLANS, AND THEN YOU DON'T--

ANYWAYS, THAT IS A PRETTY BIG
PIECE OF PHILOSOPHICAL FRUIT.

I AM GOING TO BE GNAWING ON THAT
RIND OF TONGEWITTED POETRY

FOR AT LEAST
A COUPLE OF YEARS.

OR MAYBE
I SHOULDN'T BE LOOKING

TOWARDS PROFESSIONAL ACTORS
FOR GUIDANCE.

HEY, UM...

SO, UH, YEAH,

MY MOM BELIEVES THAT YOU
SHOULD ALWAYS PRAY FOR PEOPLE,

'CAUSE MAYBE GOD WILL DO
SOMETHING FOR THEM.

MY SISTER BELIEVES

THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER BLAST
SOMEONE WITH ENERGY,

UNLESS THEY KNOW
THEY'RE BEING BLASTED,

BECAUSE WHAT IF THEY WANT TO DIE
SLOWLY OF LOU GEHRIG'S DISEASE?

AND YOU'RE GONNA SCREW
THAT ALL UP.

I BELIEVE

THAT IT'S ALL A COGNITIVE
BEHAVIORAL DISTORTION

THAT HELPS
COMPARTMENTALIZE CHAOS.

ANYWAY, IT'S GONNA BE
A GREAT CHRISTMAS.

UM...

YEAH, UH, A LOT OF MY FRIENDS
DO HAVE RELIGIOUS BELIEFS,

AND I WILL QUESTION THEM.

HEY, WHY'D
THAT HORRIBLE THING HAPPEN?

"OH, IT WAS GOD'S WILL."

WHY'D THAT
AWESOME THING HAPPEN?

"IT'S GOD'S WILL."

YOU CAN'T JUST ANSWER THE SAME
ANSWER TO EVERY QUESTION.

IT JUST SHOWS YOU DIDN'T STUDY.

"OR MAYBE THAT'S GOD'S WILL."

THE ONE ANSWER
THEY ALWAYS SAY IS,

"WE CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.
IT'S A MYSTERY.

"GOD'S JUST
SO MUCH SMARTER THAN US.

YES, WE CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.
IT'S A MYSTERY."

WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE,

'CAUSE ALL OF GOD'S MYSTERIES
START WITH A HORRENDOUS MURDER

WITH NO DISCERNIBLE MOTIVE.

IT WAS MUHAMMAD

IN MANHATTAN WITH A HAMMER.

I LONG FOR THE CONTENTMENT
AND PEACE OF MIND

THAT RELIGIOUS
AND SPIRITUAL PEOPLE HAVE,

BUT WITHOUT ALL THE HOCUS POCUS,
SO I'VE CREATED A NEW GOD.

UH, HE'S ABOUT THE SIZE
OF THIS ROOM.

HE'S SORT OF UNDULATING
REPTILIAN FLESH,

AND HE JUST HAS A MOUTH.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT HE'S SAYING,

BUT IT'S REALLY WORKING.

MY SISTER, SARAH,
WHO YOU KNOW,

IS A LIFE COACH,

AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO
MY BEST TO CHALLENGE HER

WITH MY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS.

"HMM.
MARIA, YOU GOT ONE FOR ME?"

SURE, I'M WORRIED I'M TOO OLD
TO BE IN SHOW BUSINESS.

"BETTY WHITE, DAME JUDI DENCH,
JOAN RIVERS.

YOU'RE NOT OLD ENOUGH.
HIT ME."

FEAR I'LL NEVER BE IN A LOVING,
COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP.

"OOF. I DON'T KNOW.
PASS. PASS.

I'LL GO BACK.
I'LL GO BACK."

OKAY, FEAR OF THIS SCENARIO.

YOU LOSE EVERYTHING,
INCLUDING YOUR MIND,

EXCEPT THE PART
OF YOUR MIND THAT KNOWS

THAT YOU LOST EVERYTHING.

SOMEHOW YOU END UP
IN THE PHILIPPINES

WALKING THE STREETS OF MANILA

IN A BUNCH OF ITCHY,
FILTHY SWEATER REMNANTS,

PLUCKING A ONE-STRING BANJO.

[imitates
plucking banjo string]

"MM.

"NO BAGGAGE. HITTING BOTTOM
IS A JUMPING OFF POINT.

WHAT A GIFT."

"HEY, MARIA, WHY DON'T YOU TELL
A JOKE ABOUT BEING HAPPY, HUH?

"WHY DON'T YOU CHALLENGE
YOURSELF, OKAY?

"YOU HAVE A HOUSE.
YOU HAVE FRIENDS.

"YOU LIVE
IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY TO TELL A JOKE
ABOUT BEING HAPPY?"

UM...

SO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE FILLED
WITH A DEEP CONTENTMENT

AND WAVES OF JOY
KEEP CRASHING INTO YOU

AND YOU DON'T THINK
IT CAN GET ANY BETTER,

BUT YOUR SELF-ESTEEM
IS SO HIGH

THAT YOU'RE
JUST FUCKING BUOYED?

I DO.
I TOTALLY DO.

I USED TO BE LIKE YOU.

I USED TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG,

BUT THEN I MOVED TO LOS ANGELES,
AND I LOST TEN POUNDS,

'CAUSE THEY TAKE AWAY THE FOOD
BEFORE YOU'RE DONE.

"YOU'RE DONE."

I HAD THE STOMACH FLU
FOR A MONTH,

AND A DOZEN PEOPLE
CAME UP TO ME AND SAID,

"YOU LOOK AMAZING."

I KNOW.
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT

ABOUT HOW THIN WE'LL BE
WHEN WE'RE DEAD?

I WAS AT MY GRANDMA'S FUNERAL,
AND I WAS LIKE,

"THANK GOODNESS
IT'S OPEN CASKET,

"'CAUSE YOU GOT THIS, GIRL.

YOU FINALLY GOT THIS."

UH...

I, UH...

MY MANAGER SUGGESTED IT MIGHT BE
TIME FOR ME TO GET SOME BOTOX.

I SAID...

"I'M KIND OF
STILL EXPLORING MY FACE.

"IS--IS

IS THIS NO LONGER RELEVANT?"

UH...

UM, YEAH, BUT YOU
KNOW HOW IT GOES.

I USED TO BE LIKE YOU,
LIVING IN A HIPPIE COOPERATIVE,

GOING TO SLEEP
TO THE CLICK-CLACKETY-CLACK

OF A LOOM OPERATED
BY A MAN NAMED OCEAN...

MAKING AN ILL-FITTING WOOL HAT

LATER TO BE SOLD
FOR FAIR-TRADE PRICES.

I HAVE PROTESTED EVERY WAR.

GULF WAR--I PUT WHAT I THOUGHT
WERE PEACE SIGNS ON MY FACE.

TURNED OUT TO BE
A MERCEDES-BENZ LOGO.

A FORESHADOWING.

I'VE BUSKED FOR CHANGE
ON THE STREET

WHILE PLAYING
A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT POORLY.

"OH, DO YOU PLAY
ANY TCHAIKOVSKY?"

YOU GOT A DOLLAR?

"SURE"

"THAT DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE TCHAIKOVSKY."

WELL, I'M NOT THE ONE
WHO'S TRYING TO BUY

THEIR CLASSICAL MUSIC
ON THE STREET!

YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES.
UM...

YOU, UH--YOU NEED
HEALTH BENEFITS, YOU KNOW,

SO YOU START WORKING
FOR THE MAN.

YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST TYPING OUT
WHAT HE HAD TO SAY, YOU KNOW.

I FELT LIKE
I WAS TAKING BACK THE NIGHT

FROM INSIDE THE MACHINE,

'CAUSE IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE
TO THIS STARFISH.

AND...

THEN, UH...

YOU KNOW,
YOU GET A PROMOTION.

AND MY EGO SAYS,
"I WANT TO BE ON TV,"

AND IT TURNS OUT
THE MAN OWNS THAT,

AND HE JUST WANTS TO MAKE YOU DO
A COUPLE CHANGES TO YOUR JOKES,

SO AS NOT TO UPSET
HIS BUDDIES/CORPORATE ENTITIES.

AND I MADE THOSE CHANGES,
AND THEN THE MAN SAID,

"I'LL GIVE YOU A BIG BAG
OF MONEY

IF YOU JUST SAY
EXACTLY WHAT I WANT YOU TO SAY."

AND I TOOK THAT BIG BAG
OF MONEY,

AND I SAID EXACTLY
WHAT HE WANTED ME TO SAY.

NOW I'M REDECORATING MY HOUSE
IN SHADES OF GRAY...

NOT THE POPULAR BOOK,

THE ACTUAL ETHICAL CONUNDRUM.

OH, OH, PIZZA!

PIZZA!

- YES.
LET'S GET THE PIZZA.

- I LOVE PIZZA.

♪ ♪

OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.

PIZZA!

CAN I GIVE YOU A SLICE?

IF YOU CONTINUE BEING GOOD,

YOU CAN HAVE A SECOND PIECE.

- OH, YEAH.

♪ ♪

- OKAY.

OKAY.

PERFECT.

THIS IS GOOD, BECAUSE WE'RE
ABOUT TO GET DARK.

UM...

I HAVE A LOT OF ANXIETY.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOURS FEELS LIKE.

HERE'S WHAT MINE FEELS LIKE.

YOU'RE AT A PARTY,

AND IT'S JUST
A REGULAR FUN PARTY,

AND THEN SOMEONE SHOWS UP

IN A REALLY PRETTY FRIGHTENINGLY
REALISTIC GORILLA COSTUME,

EXCEPT YOU CAN SEE
THEIR EYEBALLS INSIDE,

AND YOU KNOW IT'S JUST FUCKING
STEVE BENAQUIST,

AND EVERYONE SAYS,
"OH, YEAH, STEVE BENAQUIST."

BUT HE WON'T SAY
HE'S STEVE BENAQUIST,

AND THEN HE STARTS
CHASING YOU.

THAT'S WHAT I FEEL LIKE
ALL THE TIME.

MY MOM HAS ANXIETY.

SHE COULD NOT FIND ME
IN THE HOUSE.

AN OBJECT AT REST
STAYS AT REST.

I'M IN A CORNER CURLED
WITH MY BRISTLES TO THE OUTSIDE.

I'M ASLEEP SOMEWHERE.

SHE CALLED MY SISTER
IN A PANIC AND SAID,

"MARIA HAS DISAPPEARED,

"AND I'M WORRIED
SHE'S KILLED HERSELF,

AND I HAVE
A HAIR APPOINTMENT IN TOWN."

MUCH LIKE
OUR NATION'S AIRPORTS,

MY MOM IS ALWAYS
AT LEVEL ORANGE

AND CANNOT DISCERN BETWEEN
A 12-OUNCE BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO

AND AN EXPLOSIVE DEVICE.

"WELL, SARAH,

"I WOULD DREDGE THE SHALLOWS
FOR YOUR SISTER'S BODY,

"BUT WE'RE OUT
OF GINGER SNAPS,

"AND YOUR FATHER
LOVES GINGER SNAPS,

"BUT HE WOULD NEVER TELL
YOU GIRLS.

OH, HE WOULD NEVER TELL
YOU GIRLS."

UH, IS ANYONE THINKING
OF SUICIDE?

OH, DON'T DO IT.
DON'T DO IT.

PEOPLE WILL BE SO MAD AT YOU
IF YOU DO THAT.

THEY WILL BE SO MAD AT YOU.

IT'S NOT THE SEASON FOR IT.

EARLY SPRING.
EARLY SPRING.

MOST PEOPLE
DON'T THINK OF SUICIDE

DURING THEIR LIFETIME,
JUST IN TERMS OF,

"OH, THE STEWARDESS
WON'T GIVE ME THE WHOLE CAN.

"OH, TURBULENCE.
I WANT TO LIVE."

I GET VERY PASSIONATE
ABOUT THIS TOPIC,

'CAUSE OVER 7,000 U.S. VETERANS
DIE OF SUICIDE EVERY YEAR,

WHICH IS FUNNY, 'CAUSE
YOU'D THINK THEY DIE OVER THERE,

BUT THEY COME HOME, RIGHT?

EVERYONE'S ALWAYS, LIKE, WORRIED
WE GOT TO PROTECT THEM

WHEN THEY'RE OVER THERE,
BUT THEN, LIKE, NOBODY...

THAT MUST BE FUNNY,

'CAUSE NO ONE WAS TAKING IT
THAT SERIOUSLY.

THE REASON PEOPLE
DON'T GO FOR HELP

IS BECAUSE
THERE'S STILL STIGMA,

'CAUSE PEOPLE DON'T TALK
ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESSES

THE WAY THEY DO
OTHER ILLNESSES.

WELL, APPARENTLY
STEVE HAS CANCER.

IT'S LIKE, FUCK OFF.

WE ALL HAVE CANCER, RIGHT?

I HAVE CANCER PRETTY BAD
RIGHT NOW,

BUT I GO TO CHEMOTHERAPY.

I GET IT TAKEN CARE OF.

I GET BACK TO WORK.

YEAH, I WAS DATING
THIS CHICK ALL THIS TIME.

APPARENTLY SHE LET ME KNOW SHE'S
BEEN WEARING CONTACT LENSES.

I SAID, "WHOA.

"YOU KNOW,
DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO,

"BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IN
ALL THAT WESTERN-MEDICINE SHIT.

"YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO SEE
LIKE OTHER PEOPLE,

"IT'S ALL ABOUT ATTITUDE.

YOU GOT TO WANT IT."

YOU THINK YOU WOULD BE
ABLE TO STOP VOMITING

FOR ME AND THE KIDS.

UM, ANYWAYS, I MYSELF

WENT THROUGH A TERRIBLE TIME,

AND I STARTED
HAVING SOME PLANS,

SOME REPETITIVELY SHIT IDEAS,

'CAUSE THINGS WERE UNBEARABLE.

"OH, I SHOULD KILL MYSELF.

OH, I SHOULD KILL MYSELF.
OH, I SHOULD--"

THEN I REALIZED,
"WAIT A MINUTE.

I'VE HAD A LOT
OF REPETITIVELY SHIT IDEAS."

I'VE OFTEN THOUGHT
IT'D BE A GREAT IDEA

TO BUY DAY-OLD RAISIN BREAD
IN BULK

AND THEN FREEZE IT.

I'M NOT GONNA FOLLOW THROUGH
ON THAT!

I'VE ALSO THOUGHT MANY TIMES

IT'D BE A GREAT IDEA TO GO
ON VACATION WITH MY FAMILY.

THEY ARE MY MORTAL ENEMIES.

I WILL FIGHT THEM
TO THE VERY LAST.

"HONEY, WE'RE GOING TO MICHIGAN.
IT'S GONNA BE FUN."

GET THEE BEHIND ME.

"SWEETIE,
IT'S WITH YOUR COUSINS.

WE'RE GOING CAMPING."

I WILL NOT BE DASHED
UPON THE ROCKS

BY YOUR SIREN SONG!

UH, YOU KNOW,
BUT YOU'RE FEELING BAD,

SO YOU START THINKING,

"OH, WHAT A WASTE OF SPACE,
AND I'M A BURDEN."

YOU FORGET THAT ALSO DESCRIBES
THE GRAND CANYON.

WATCH HOW FRIENDS AND FAMILY
TAKE PICTURES OF YOU

FROM A SAFE DISTANCE.

REVEL IN YOUR MAJESTIC PROFILE.

OH, BUT I OWE PEOPLE
A LOT OF MONEY,

AND EVERYBODY HATES ME.

HELLO, EUROPE.

OH, BUT I KILLED SOMEONE.

SO, ONION RINGS,
FIRECRACKERS.

WHO GIVES A SHIT?

OH, BUT I'VE DONE

SOME OTHER HORRIBLE,
UNFORGIVABLE, UNSPEAKABLE THING.

THERE'S 79 BILLION OF US NOW.

UH, GOOGLE IT.

SOMEONE HAS DONE EXACTLY
WHAT YOU HAVE DONE OR WORSE

AND IS CURRENTLY
ON A BOOK TOUR.

YOU'RE NEVER ALONE!

AND AS EVIDENCE OF THAT,

I KILLED MY BEST FRIEND
BY ACCIDENT--

BLOSSOM THE AWESOME PUG.

SHE WOULD'VE FORGIVEN ME.

"LISTEN, I HAD A GREAT LIFE.

"I DIED AS I LIVED--

"NUDE, YOU KNOW, SUNBATHING
WITH A LIGHT HARNESS.

"I GREW UP IN BERLIN
IN THE '30s.

"YOU KNOW,
WE COULD PISS AND SHIT

"ON EACH OTHER WITH IMPUNITY.

"IT WAS NO BIG DEAL.

"NOW YOU GO TO A DOG PARK,
YOU LIFT A LEG,

"EVERYBODY'S UP IN ARMS,
YOU KNOW.

"BUT, YOU KNOW,

"HAD I SHOT YOU
WITH MY LADY BERETTA,

"YOU KNOW, IF THE SAFETY
HAD BEEN OFF OR SOMETHING,

"JUST KNOW THAT
WITHIN SIX TO EIGHT HOURS,

"AND IT'S BEEN DOCUMENTED
ABOUT PUGS,

I WOULD'VE EATEN YOU."

UH...

SO, ANYWAYS, BUT I TYPED IN
"I KILLED MY LOVED ONE"

INTO AN INTERNET SEARCH ENGINE,

AND UP CAME A CHAT ROOM

WHERE A WOMAN
TALKED TO ME FOR AN HOUR

WHO HAD LEFT HER BABY
IN A HOT CAR.

"WE'RE ALL DOING
THE BEST WE CAN,

AND SOMETIMES
IT IS NOT THAT GOOD."

THIS IS A HOMEOPATHIC REMEDY
FOR DEPRESSION .

IF YOU'RE EVER
FEELING TERRIBLE

AND YOU DON'T HAVE INSURANCE,
HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.

YOU TAKE A BLUE OR BLACK PEN.

YOU DRAW A RABBIT'S FACE
ATOP YOUR OWN FACE.

MAKE SOME RABBIT EARS OUT
OF PAPER PLATES, COTTON BALLS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE.

YOU MAKE SOME FUDGE,

WHICH IS VERY EASY TO MAKE,
FROM WHAT I HAVE READ.

YOU GO OUT
ON YOUR FRONT PORCH.

YOU OPEN UP YOUR WINDOW,
AND YOU START YELLING AT PEOPLE.

HEY, JACKASS!

WANT SOME FUDGE?

HEY, HEY, PRETTY LADY!

IS THAT--OH, IT'S A GUY.
SORRY, SORRY.

WANT SOME FUDGE?

HI.
HOW YOU DOING?

WANT SOME FUDGE?

IT GETS YOU OUT AND ABOUT
IN YOUR COMMUNITY,

AND IT SHOWS EVERYONE
THAT YOU NEED HELP.

OH, IT'S COOL.

I'LL BE BACK.

WHAT IS THIS?

THERE'S TOO MUCH HAPPENING.

OH.

YOU CAN'T HAVE
THE AIR CONDITIONER ON

WHEN YOU HAVE OTHER THINGS ON.

IF YOU STAY ALIVE
FOR NO REASON AT ALL,

PLEASE, DO IT FOR SPITE.

THERE IS A TREND OF PEOPLE
BLAMING OTHERS WHEN THEY'RE ILL.

OH, I HAVE A BIT OF A--
I THINK I HAVE A BIT OF A COLD.

"OH, THAT'S INTERESTING.

"YOU KNOW,
WHENEVER I'M STUFFED UP,

"IT'S BECAUSE
I'M NOT LETTING GO OF STUFF.

"YOU KNOW, THERE'S A LOT OF
STUFF THAT I'M NOT DEALING WITH.

"YOU KNOW, OR I'M SICK.

IF I'M SICK, IT'S LIKE I'M SICK
OF SOMETHING IN MY LIFE."

OH, RIGHT, THAT MAKES SENSE,

'CAUSE AS SOON
AS WE STARTED TALKING,

I STARTED TO GET THIS DULL ACHE
IN MY TAILBONE.

IT'S YOU.
YOU'RE A PAIN IN MY ASS.

IF YOU'RE FEELING BAD

AND YOU HAVE A PLAN,
DO WHAT I DID.

WRAP A LITTLE BLANKET BURRITO
AROUND YOUR MEATS AND CHEESES.

PUT A LITTLE FEED BAG

OF MICROWAVE POPCORN
AROUND YOUR NECK,

'CAUSE IT'S GONNA BE
A 12-HOUR WAIT AT THE E.R.,

AND HAVE THE COAST GUARD TAKE
YOU TO "LOST AT SEA" HOSPITAL,

BECAUSE YOU ARE LOST AT SEA,

AND THERE YOU'LL WALK
FOR 72 HOURS

WITH A SCHIZOPHRENIC MAN
WITH NO TEETH AND NO PANTS,

KEEPS SAYING STUFF LIKE...

"IT GETS BETTER."

I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU,

BUT YOU'RE VERY SWEET.

AND YOU'LL BE ALIVE.

AND, UH...

BUT I DID HAVE A FRIEND
COME VISIT ME

IN THE HOOSEGOW,
IN A PSYCH WARD,

WHICH IS A GREAT THING.

THAT IS AMAZING FOR SOMEBODY
TO COME VISIT.

VERY GRATEFUL.

BUT THEY GAVE ME
A REAL TALKING-TO.

"YOU KNOW, I JUST FEEL LIKE...

"THIS PLACE IS SO NEGATIVE.

IT'S GOT A LOT
OF NEGATIVE ENERGY."

I KNOW.

MY BRAIN IS KIND OF GOING OFF
LIKE AN UNTETHERED JACKHAMMER,

BUT I THINK I KNOW
WHAT YOU MEAN,

IN TERMS OF THAT GUY SCREAMING
INTO THE WALL.

I DON'T KNOW. HE SEEMS
TO MAKE SENSE SOMETIMES TOO.

"YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO?
IS GET OUT INTO NATURE.

YOU KNOW, GET OUT IN THE WOODS."

THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

LIKE, I CAN GET MYSELF
ON A TREE,

YOU KNOW,
HANG MYSELF THERE.

LIKE, YOU KNOW, LIKE, GET
INTO A COLD BODY OF WATER

AND JUST, LIKE,
FLOAT AWAY, RIGHT?

BUT THEY TOOK AWAY
MY SHOELACES.

"I JUST TALKED
TO MY SPIRITUAL ADVISER,

"AND HE SAID THAT PEOPLE
WHO COMMIT SUICIDE--

"SOMETIMES IT'S TIME
FOR THEM TO GO,

"THAT THEY JUST NEED TO MOVE
TO THE NEXT DIMENSION,

"AND I JUST--
I WANT TO GIVE YOU PERMISSION.

I LET YOU GO."

OKAY, UH, YOU'RE HORRIBLE,

AND PLEASE COME VISIT ME
TOMORROW,

AND YOU'RE HORRIBLE,
AND PLEASE COME VISIT.

IF YOU COULD ME BRING ME
A 20-OUNCE DIET COKE,

BECAUSE THEY WON'T LET US
HAVE CANS.

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU BRING
THAT LITTLE RAY OF SUNSHINE

OVER TO
THE CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL?

"YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO MAKE
A WISH IF YOU BELIEVED."

OH, YOU KNOW THERE'S STILL
STIGMA AGAINST MENTALS,

BECAUSE PEOPLE USE IT AS A WAY
TO MAKE FUN OF SOMEBODY.

THEY GO--LIKE, HAVE YOU EVER
MADE SOMETHING SUBLIME?

LIKE, YOU MAKE A--
IT JUST COMES OUT OF YOU.

YOU MAKE A HAT
OF YOUR MOTHER'S HAIR,

OR YOU MAKE A PAINTING
OF THE SEASIDE ALL IN BLACK,

'CAUSE THAT'S
HOW YOU FUCKING SEE IT, MAN,

AND SOMEBODY MAKES FUN OF YOU.

THEY GO, "OH, CUCKOO, CUCKOO."

THAT'S A VERY VAGUE DIAGNOSIS,
BY THE WAY.

HOPEFULLY THAT WILL BE ADDED
TO THE D.S.M.,

ALONG WITH "I'M AFRAID YOUR SON
IS A PSYCHO MOTHERFUCKER

WITH ELEMENTS
OF, 'HEY, STOP THAT.'"

I WAS ON A RADIO ESTACION
IN CLEVELAND, O,

AND THE DEEJ SAID IN RESPONSE
TO THE PROMOTION OF MY WARES,

"WELL, I DON'T GET IT.

"APPARENTLY
SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.

I JUST THINK
SHE'S SCHIZOPHRENIC."

WELL, CLEARLY, THAT IS NOT
MY MENTAL ILLNESS.

SCHIZOPHRENIA
IS, OF COURSE, HEARING VOICES,

NOT DOING VOICES.

I AM BIPOLAR II,

WHICH IS
THE NEW GLADIATOR SANDAL.

I AM TRYING TO EDUCATE PEOPLE
WITH A NEW ANIMATED SERIES.

"I'M SID,
THE SCHIZOPHRENIC SQUID.

"SAY HELLO.

"WELL, I MIGHT SAY HI BACK,

"IF I WASN'T DISTRACTED
BY THE CACOPHONY

"OF SENSORY HALLUCINATIONS
THAT BOMBARD ME AT EVERY TURN.

OH, SHUT UP, CHARLTON
HESTON, MY FEET ARE ON FIRE!"

IT'S A HILARIOUS DISEASE.

AND, UH...

I ALWAYS WANT TO GO BACK
AND TELL THAT GUY,

"LIKE, IT TAKES TENACITY
AND COURAGE TO USE A GLUE GUN,

"YOU KNOW, IT'S ABOUT
THE EASIEST THING IN THE WORLD

TO CRITICIZE STUFF."

CLICK.
DON'T LIKE. BOO.

YOU KNOW,
IF I HAD THE COURAGE...

AND I DON'T,

I'D GO BACK AND TELL THAT GUY,

"HEY, COWARD...

"IF SOMEBODY SINGS OUT
THEIR BATMAN POETRY

"TO A LARGELY HOSTILE
BARNES & NOBLE CROWD

"OR IF YOU CRANK OUT A RAW,
UNEDITED SKULL

"OUT OF A GRANNY SMITH APPLE,

"POP THAT
ON A BRATZ DOLL TORSO,

"UPLOAD THAT TO ETSY,
PRICE IT HIGH.

"IF YOU THINK OF DOING
A NUDE CLOWN OPERA,

"YOU WRITE IT, YOU CAST IT,
YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING DO IT,

"THAT DOESN'T SHOW YOUR INSANE.

"IT SHOWS THE SYMPTOMS
OF BEING HARDWORKING

"AND A HUGE SIXTH SENSE.

"NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I HAVE TO GET BACK TO LA QUINTA,

BECAUSE I HAVE FACES TO MAKE
IN THE BATHROOM MIRROR."

LITTLE BIT I'M WORKING ON.

SO I WANTED TO TEACH YOU GUYS
HOW TO PLAY A NEW GAME--

SOMETHING ME
AND MY FAMILY PLAY.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU ARE MY FAMILY.

UH, I, UH...

AND PROBABLY
OTHER PEOPLE PLAY IT,

BUT WE CALL IT
"JOY WHACK-A-MOLE."

WHAT HAPPENS IS THAT SOMEBODY
BRINGS UP SOMETHING

THAT THEY'RE
REALLY HAPPY ABOUT,

AND THEN THE OTHER PERSON
TRIES TO SLAM IT DOWN

BEFORE THEY EVER FEEL TOO GOOD

ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON
IN THEIR LIVES.

I PLAYED
WITH MY DAD RECENTLY.

DAD, CHECK OUT THIS NEW JACKET.

"OOH, THAT'S VERY NICE."

YEAH, GUESS HOW MUCH.

"I DON'T KNOW. 100 BUCKS."

NO, TEN.

"OH!

JEEZ, THAT'S A GOOD DEAL."

YEAH, YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.

IT'S LIKE, TEN BUCKS--
HOW DO THEY DO IT?

"OH, I WAS READING ABOUT THAT.

"SLAVERY.

"YEAH...

"THEY PUT THE MANUFACTURING
OUT OF THESE PEOPLE.

"THERE'S NO LABOR LAWS,

"HUMAN-RIGHTS VIOLATIONS,
AND NO ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION,

AND THEN THEY PASS
THE SAVINGS ON TO YOU."

IT'S A PRETTY SWEET JACKET,
THOUGH, DAD.

MY SISTER AND I PLAY
OCCASIONALLY.

SARAH, I THINK I MET SOMEBODY.

"MM. THAT'S GREAT.
GOOD FOR YOU. AWESOME."

YEAH, I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW.
WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

"THAT'S GREAT.

"ARE YOU SURE
YOU HAVEN'T PROJECTED A FANTASY

"ON A TRISEXUAL STRANGER

"YOU MET ON PETFINDER.UK?

YOU LIKE 'EM GAY
AND OUT OF TOWN."

THAT HAPPENED, LIKE, TWICE.
THAT'S NOT EVEN A PATTERN.

MY MOM IS THE KING
OF THIS GAME, THOUGH.

MOM, AMY HAD HER BABY.

"OH, THAT IS GREAT NEWS, HONEY.

"I MEAN,
IT'S NOT THE GREATEST NEWS

"FOR THE 600,000 KIDS
IN FOSTER CARE,

"BUT IF SHE WANTS
A FRESH ONE...

"OH, JEEZ. EVERYBODY WANTS ONE
THAT LOOKS LIKE THEM.

IT'S SO SELFISH."

MOM, I'M DOING A SHOW TONIGHT.

"SWEETIE,
I GOT A JOKE FOR YOU.

"A FRIEND OF MINE--
SHE'S SO FUNNY.

"SHE SAID YOU COULD USE IT.
SHE--

"COINCIDENTALLY,
SHE WAS IN FOSTER CARE.

"SHE HAD BEEN AIRLIFTED OUT
OF THE SUDAN IN THE LATE '90s,

"'CAUSE SHE HAD BEEN BE-ARMED,
AND BE-LEGGED

"BY THE JANJAWEED--
THE HORSEBACK MILITIA.

"SHE'D LOVE TO DO STAND-UP,

"BUT SHE CAN'T...

"AND IT'S REALLY
A HOSPICE SITUATION.

"IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME.

"BUT THE PRIEST COMES IN,
AND HE ASKS HER,

"'WOULD YOU LIKE US TO LIGHT
A CANDLE FOR YOU IN THE CHAPEL?'

"SHE SAYS,
SASSY AS YOU PLEASE,

"TELETYPING
THROUGH HER EYELIDS,

"'WELL, HOW MANY CANDLES
YOU GOT?'

"BECAUSE SO MANY HORRIBLE
THINGS HAVE HAPPENED TO HER

"AND KEEP HAPPENING.

"SWEETIE,
HAVE A GOOD SHOW TONIGHT.

WHAT YOU DO IS SO IMPORTANT."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANKS, EVERYBODY.
THANKS, EAGLE ROCK.

ALL RIGHT!
THANKS, GUYS!

THANKS, GUYS!

- GREAT JOB.
- I'M HAPPY!

HAPPY!
- OKAY.

- THAT WAS A GREAT SHOW.

- THANKS.
- YEAH.

AND YOU DID THAT JUST FOR US.
- I DID.

- OH, I LOVE DOING IT
IN THE HOUSE.

I MEAN, I HAVE TO SAY,
OTHER THAN A PARTY,

I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MANY PEOPLE
IN MARIA'S HOUSE,

- I THOUGHT
THAT WAS A GREAT SHOW.

- THAT WAS GREAT.
- YEAH.

I MISSED THE LARGER AUDIENCE.

I THINK THAT WOULD BE THE THING
THAT I MISSED,

AND I WOULD HAVE WANTED
TO HIDE AWAY A LITTLE BIT,

NOT BE THE ONLY AUDIENCE.

- THE PAULA DEEN ROUTINE,
I THINK, IS JUST HYSTERICAL,

BUT THEN I SORT OF BEGIN TO FEEL
CODEPENDENTLY SAD

FOR PAULA DEEN, BECAUSE I THINK,
"OH, POOR, PAULA DEEN.

"SHE'S LOST 25 POUNDS NOW,
I JUST READ IN PEOPLE MAGAZINE,

"AND I THINK SHE'S CHANGED
A LITTLE BIT.

MARIA SHOULD GIVE HER CREDIT."

- I LIKE TO SEE MYSELF
IN THE ROUTINES.

- WE LOVE THE SHOW,
AND WE LOVE MARIA.

SHE'S THE BEST.

- AND WE LOVE ALL
HER, YOU KNOW, ABILITY,

THE THOUGHTFULNESS THAT SHE HAS

AND KINDNESS SHE HAS TO OTHER
PEOPLE AND TO HER PARENTS.

SHE'S BEEN GOOD TO HER PARENTS.

- INDEED.

- GOOD JOB.
THANK YOU, GUYS.