All language subtitles for Beverly Hills Vamp [1989]_EN

[ dramatic organ music
playing ]

Vampires,

fact or lurid
dime-novel fiction?

Reality

or the stuff
of twisted imaginations,

created by filmmakers
seeking excuses

to photograph women
with breasts

larger than their head?

Hello,
I'm Professor Sommerset,

and this
is Vampire Central.

Within these walls,

the study of undead phenomenon
isn't taken lightly.

In fact,
we're dead serious about it.

Every day,
hundreds of calls come in

reporting sightings
and attacks--

Desperate people
with desperate problems,

all looking
to Vampire Central

to help against
this growing horror.

[ phone rings ]

Oh, there's a call now.

Vampire Central.

Yes?

No. No, listen,

it's very easy--

Pepperoni on its own side.

Yes, sausage and onion

on its own side.

Thank you.

After years
of painstaking research

in the field of history,
geography, genealogy,

and mammography,

the shocking truth
has become clearly evident--

Not only do vampires
really exist,

but currently
they represent

a shadowy
worldwide scourge

that makes the bubonic plague
look like the hiccups.

Here at the center,

we're well equipped
to track this problem

and pinpoint
the troublesome areas.

Let's take a look.

What's it like
out there today, Sandra?

- [ typewriters clacking ]
- Well, professor,

there's a heavy
concentration of vampires

moving in
from northern California,

which should bring
some pretty heavy scares

to those people just east
of Las Vegas, Nevada,

by early tomorrow morning.

That doesn't sound
too good.

No, it doesn't.
And while that front
moves across the state,

we're expecting unusually
high appetites and a lot
of cloudiness.

It's gonna
be dark out there.

Everyone should drive
carefully.

And remember,
don't pick up any hitchhikers.

It's gonna be raining blood
for the next few days.

You heard me--
Cancel my gig at the Sahara.

Gotta go now.

Thanks for
that report, Sandra.

Anytime, professor.

You're probably
asking yourself,

how in the hell

could something
like this happen?

Well, don't ask me.
I'm just a man like
any one of you.

However,

I think I can
trace the problem

right into
your own living room.

That's right, buddy,
you're the problem.

And don't sit there
looking so smug either,
you little wimp.

It's you, all right.

You're the troublemaker
because you don't
believe in them.

That's right.

The vampires'
greatest strength

is that people refuse
to acknowledge their existence.

The case you're
about to see,

taken word for word
from "The Big Book Of Vampires,"

is just such a story.

In it you will see sex,

blood,
girls with huge melons,

more blood,
stupid, naive kids,

and a lot more blood.

And in case you're wondering
just what to look for

when you're out
vampire hunting,

this is a good place
to start.

"The Big Book Of Vampires,"
it's at your local library.

Check it out.

[ thunder rumbles ]

- [ thunder rumbling ]
- [ crickets chirping ]

[ distant howling ]

[ sighs ]

That was incredible.

We aim to please,
officer.

You know, you should be
arrested for assaulting
a police officer

with a deadly weapon.

Well, are you willing to
let me off on a warning?

Maybe, but I'll have to
confiscate your weapons.

Again?

'Fraid so.

Well, all right,
but this time we're gonna
do things my way.

You know, you girls should
be a little more subtle

in your advertising.

This is Beverly Hills,
you know.

We should be hauling you
down to the station right now.

I don't know how I'm going
to explain this one

to the chief
back at the base.

Well, you'll have plenty
of time to figure that out.

What-- What do you mean?

- [ hisses ]
- [ organ playing ]

[ girl neighs ]

- Giddy up, horsey! Giddy up.
- Whoa, whoa.

Let's ride.

- Whoa, whoa!
- Oh, oh.

- Here comes a hedge!
- Oh, baby! Whoa.

- And another one.
- Oh!

Oh, come on, horsey,
don't run out of steam now.

We're almost
to the finish line.

When am I gonna get
a chance to be the rider?

- Huh?
- Oh, right after I brand you.

Brand me?
Where are you gonna brand me?

How about...

right on your neck?

Oh, no!

Aah!

[ upbeat music playing ]

Man:
Ah, Hollywood,
home of the stars,

where people gather
from all corners of the globe

to stare in awe at the glitter
of the famous movie idols
we've come to love.

Aw, there it is--
Grauman's Chinese Theatre.

And Elvis,
he never did really die,
you know. It was all a hoax.

Look, Tom Cruise. Reminds me
of myself in my younger days.

Ah, Hollywood boul--
Oh, a "physical" reader there.

That's swell.

Oh, look, there's a movie star!
Hey, Eddie! Eddie!

I guess he didn't hear me.

Tourist traps, yeah.

Club Hollywood.
Gee, this is swell.

Hollywood "Shoppay."

Oh, look,
Roy Rogers.

Wow, look at the bazooms
on that babe.

Ah, Hollywood, what a town--
Where legends are born.

Ah, Frederick's of Hollywood,
home of the crotchless panties,

edible underwear.

Oh, Musso's Franks--
Oh, the Frolic Room.

Le Sex Shoppe.

Pussycat--
Oh, a veterinarian's place.

Gee, I wonder where
Spectacular Action Pictures is?

Oh, here it is.
Oh, there's the address.
It's right up here.

Come on, fellas.

Man:
How many copies
of this script did you bring?

Three.
I told you-- Three.

Three? Three?
Why three?

Well, it seemed
like a doable number
at the time--

One for him
to read and a couple
for his associates.

Maybe we should have
just brought a treatment.

Treatments
don't mean --
in this town.

You need a script.
Can't tell anything
from a treatment.

Russ, you bring
the tapes?

Yeah, right here--
three-quarter, V.H.S., Beta.

I mean, with all this stuff,
he's bound to look at something.

- Great.
- Gee, I wish we had more
than just the local T.V. ads.

- Yeah.
- Hey, guys,
we have what we have.

I know it sounds
a little deep
for you fellas,

but that's what
we're selling here--

His script
and the three of us--
Package deal.

You know, this project's
going to be great.

I can see every cut,
every shot.

Yeah.
I can't wait
to shoot in 35.

I mean, the cameras,
lenses, so much better
than the Super 8.

So you guys
makin' a movie, huh?

That's right.

That's nice.

Nice? No, see,
your nails are nice.

Movie's gonna be great.

Okay, don't get your underwear
tied in a knot.

Say, are you an actress?

No, I'm the ambassador
to Sweden.

What do you think I am?

Hey, hey, hey,
don't tie your underwears
up all in knots and stuff.

Hmph, don't wear any.

This is Hollywood.
Um, excuse me. Ahem.

What's your name?

Sherry Santa Monica.

Oh, any relation
to the street?

[ laughs ]
It's not my real name.

It's my nom de plumage.

All: Ahh!

Something funny?

Uh, no, no, nothing.
Say, maybe you'd like
to be in our movie?

I mean, yes, you have
very well-developed cheekbones.

Ha!

So what's
this epic about anyway?

Oh, I'll tell you
all about it. It's sort
of a tender love story.

It's about the loss
of innocence, a guy learning
to take control of his life,

and learning values
in the wake of personal loss.

You know,
that kind of thing.

Any nudity?

- Nudity?
- Yeah, nudity.

They don't exactly hire me
to do Ensign Chekhov, you know?

Well, there's--
Tell her. Tell her.

Eh, that's okay.
I only do topless now anyway.

My hardcore days
are behind me.

[ laughs ]
Get it? Behind me?

[ all laugh ]

You guys are
really clever, you know?

[ intercom buzzes ]

Yes, sir?

Okay.

You can go in now.

Mr. Pendleton is ready
to see you.

Oh, thank you.

- Thanks a lot.
- Thank you.

Was it good for you, too,
big boy?

Can I get you
a Band-Aid?

What do you mean I can't get
a product placement deal
with Lamborghini?

Hey, you know
who you're talking to?

Aaron Pendleton,
spectacular films.

Listen, if you guys
don't like it,

I may just change the title
to "Motorcycles."

How do you like that?
Come on in.

- Come on in.
- Put her there, pal.

- Hey, Brock!
- Good to see you.

- Brock, I'd know you anywhere.
- I'm Brock.

- I'm Brock.
- Brock, I'd recognize you
anywhere, buddy.

Yeah, it's been a long time.
How are you, uncle Aaron?

Yeah, I haven't seen you
since you were about as small

as a grip's paycheck,
huh?

- Paycheck?
- Little film humor.

Oh, right. Humor.
I got it. We got it.

Hey, so these two
are the other Warner Brothers?

Right, this is Russell Penny,
cameraman.

- Russ, nice to meet you.
- Hi.

And this is Kyle Carpenter.
He wrote the script.

- Nice to make
your acquaintance.
- Carl, hey!

- That's Kyle.
- Yeah, sure.

Hey, a photographer,
a scriptwriter--

Just what we need
in Hollywood.
[ laughs ]

Well, sit down.
Sit down. Sit down.

- How about you, Brocko?
- Well, I'm a director.

A director!
I love this kid.

Now...

your old man tells me
that you're putting
a project together, right?

- Right.
- You want to tell me
about it?

One better than that--
We got a script.

Script?
Nobody reads scripts
in this town.

- You got a treatment?
- Uh, treatment?

Um, let me have Kyle
tell you about it.

Sure. Sure, let the writer
take a shot at it.

Go ahead,
shoot, Carl.

- It's Kyle.
- Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Well, sir, it's a kind
of a love story.

Yeah, wait a minute--
Kind of a love story,
kind of a--

Kind of an offbeat thing,
you know?

Kind of a weird tale,
a twist?

- Well, sort of.
- Jeez, I like it already.

So you got a love story.
What's the title?

It's called,
"What Now, My Love?"

"What Now, My Love?"

Great title.
I remember it already.

Now let's get this straight--
You got this love story,

and it's called,
"What Now, My Love?"

and you want to direct it,
you want to write it,

- And you want
to shoot it, right?
- That's correct.

- Just like that?
- Just like that.

We got a reel.

Well, great, great, great.

You mean that shows
all the features

that you've directed
and you've written

and you've photographed?

Well, not exactly.

I mean, it's mostly
local T.V. spots we've done.

Wonderful.

Boys, boys, boys.

As much as I love
to encourage new talent,
you understand,

and to bring you along
with fresh ideas,

I mean, face it--
You don't just waltz
into a town like Hollywood

and just make a movie.
Come on.

See, we thought you could
help with the production.

You know?
Studio equipment and everything.

No. I'll tell you
what I can do for you--

I can probably
get you started out

doing some crewing work
on a couple of films,

maybe, you know,
just to get your feet wet,

help you learn a few things
about the ropes.

And meanwhile I want you
to keep working up

on these great ideas,
okay?

And keep in the back
of your head all the time,

"Who's going to be seeing
my picture?"

now...

Here's a little something
I'm developing right now,

sort of a desert epic,
you know?

Like "Lawrence of Arabia."

It's called
"Motorcycle Sluts In Heat."

[ exhales ]
Now there's a love story.

Gonna take
about five days to shoot it.

Fred Olen Ray
is dying to direct.

Sir, will you at least
have a look at our script?

Well, sure. Sure.
Go ahead and leave it.

And give us
your reel, too.

And meanwhile,
what I want you guys to do

is to go out and just kind
of have some fun, you know?

See the sights.
Go to Disneyland.

Try the Universal Studios
tour.

You'll learn a lot.
I know I did.

And I'll tell you
what I'll do--

I'll have my girl
call your girl in a couple days.

We'll do lunch, kid,
all right?

Right.

Ciao.

[ dialing ]

Yeah, get me Fred Olen Ray
on the phone, will you?

Yeah, I think
it went okay.

Some connection, Brock.

Yeah? Well, I don't see
the M.G.M. lion jumping
all over your --.

You think he'll at least
read our script?

- I don't know.
- Well, he seemed
pretty sincere.

Yeah, pretty sincere.
He kept calling you Carl.

- What's wrong with that?
- Your name's Kyle.

Oh, yeah. Yeah,
but he said it so sincerely.

"Motorcycle Sluts
In Heat."

You know, I could get into
some motorcycle footage--

Kind of an "Easy Rider"
genre.

You ever see Clint Eastwood
in "The Great Escape"?

Don't show your ignorance.
That was Sylvester Stallone.

Guys, Harvey Korman.
Come on.

Let's get the stairs.

[ dings ]

[ organ playing ]

[ knocking at door ]

Yes?

Man:
It is I, Balthazar.

Enter.

Ahem.

Oh, Balthazar,
what is it now?

You know I need
my beauty sleep.

You instructed me
to inform you

when the gentlemen
from the police department

left the premises.

Oh, yes.
Did they get off okay?

I believe their visit
was very satisfactory

to all concerned.

Mmm. Good.

Then maybe they'll stay
off our backs for a while.

[ laughs ]

Get it?

"Stay off our backs
for a while."

Good one, huh?

Yes, madam,
very humorous.

[ sighs ]
Balthazar, why don't
you lighten up a bit?

Yes, ma'am.

[ phone rings ]

Kyle?

Oh, I've been dying
for you to call.

I miss you already.

Yeah, I miss you too, babe.
How you doin'?

I'm fine.
So how was the trip?

When did you get in?

It was okay.
It was a little long
after a while,

but all in all, it was okay.

Yeah, we got in this morning;
we went right to
our first meeting.

You've already
had a meeting?

That's what we do
down here-- We have meetings.

Yeah, it was with Brock's uncle.
He's a producer.

Oh, you told me
about him.

Well, how'd it go?

Well, pretty good.
He's gonna get back to us.

He's got to read
the script and everything.

Yeah, these things
take time, you know.

Yeah, he loved
the concept, though.

- Really?
- And guess what.

- He especially loved the title.
- My title?

He loved my title?

Oh, I can't believe it.

Yeah, of course.

But you know, as they say,

nothing's final till
the check's in the mail.

Yeah. So let's not get
too worked up about it.

Oh, I won't, but it's--
It's so exciting.

Yeah, well, hey,
it's Hollywood, babe.

Take a walk
on the wild side.

Yeah, well, let's not
get too wild down there.

I've heard
about those starlets.

Starlets? Starlets?
No, honest, I haven't seen
a single starlet,

not in the whole hour.

Kyle, you stop it now.

I mean it.
You stay away from those--

Those bimbos.

Okay, I promise.
After tonight, no more bimbos.

Tonight?
What do you mean,
tonight?

What's happening tonight?

Look, did I say tonight?
No, no, honest, trust me.

I could just kill you.

Hey, look, honey,
the guys are here.

I gotta go.
Dinner's served.

Hey, Kyle, off the phone.
Girls are here!

Hey, girls, right in here.
Over here, girls.

Do you mind?
I'm talking to somebody
on the phone here.

Oh, God, look at 'em.
Have you ever seen girls
like that before?

You never get those at home.
Look at the tan lines.

Come on, hurry up.
You're next.
Let's get it going.

- Kyle, do you have
girls in there?
- Yeah.

No, Molly, it's only Brock.
You know how Brock is.

Yeah, I'll see
you later, honey.
I love you, too.

Bye.

Oh.

Adolescent neanderthal.

I was talking to somebody
there on the phone.

Hey, easy, easy.
She knew we were just kidding.

Yeah, well...

What, are you two
getting serious now?

Well, you know
how it is.

Listen, do you know
how long it took for me
to get up enough courage

to ask her out
for the first time?

No, go ahead and bore us
with that one again.

Tell us how long
it took you to get it up.

Wise guy.

Guys, I got something
to take your mind
off everything.

- What?
- Look at this.

- Holy cow.
- What is this?
What'd you get?

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Let me see this.

- I got 75¢ tied up in this.
- Give me my share.

Okay, I'll take
one section.

Brock:
I cannot believe
some of those ads.

Oh, man.

Brock:
Jesus, this is like
a damn sex menu.

Is this Hollywood
or what?

My gosh.

Uh-oh, look at this.

"I'm for real.
Submissive blonde seeks
dominant man and couples.

Spank me, tease me,
please me.

I love it all.

Plenty of B&D
and T.V.s welcome."

Hey, Brock,
what's T.V.s?

Transvestite, idiot.

You know, a guy
who's not a girl,
but he wants to be a girl?

Actually, he wears dresses,
but he acts sort of like--

It's a chick with balls,
Kyle.

Gee, I never
had one of them.

Oh, wait, here's one.
"I'll make you wet
and make you sweat

to see how freakish
you can get."

Oh! That's it.
That's it.

- We gotta call one.
- Get out of here.

No, seriously, I bought this
just for the fun of it,

but how about it?
Let's call one.

Wait--
5'7", 36-26-36,

21 years, 125 lbs,
blonde, blue-eyed,

seductress,
sweet as a peach..."

Oh, oh-- "I'll make you
feel like a man

because I'm 100% woman.
Angelyne."

- That's it.
- I think I'm in love
with Angelyne.

You see?
Do you see that face?

How can we abandon
a friend in need here, huh?

Let's get organized.
Okay, we need a group thing
going here.

Look up a group thing.
You know what I mean?

Oh, oh, like three of us
and three of them?

Or three of us
and six of them.

Or-- Or three of us
and a big one of them.

Or three of us,
two dogs and a pony.

Brock, you can count me
out of this. I already
got a girlfriend.

Who, Molly?

- Of course!
- You guys are separated.

- What do you mean, separated?
- Well, you're separated.

You're here
and she's there.

That don't matter.
I love her.

Oh, no. Here we go.

Listen, I really believe
that if you care
about somebody,

you should stay
faithful to them.

Hey, hey, hey,
this is Hollywood.
Fantasyland.

I've met Molly.
Very nice girl.

However, I'm sure
she wouldn't mind.

All right, maybe
I can just come along
as an observer.

All right.
That's the spirit.

Let's go.

Hey, hey, hey.
Listen.

These girls aren't gonna
do this for free.

We gotta pay 'em
with something, don't we?

Say no more.

Charge card.
Plastic for leather.

It seems like a fair trade
in my books, huh?

A charge card?
How'd you get hold
of a charge card?

Well, I save it
for emergencies.

I can't think
of a better one
than three naked women.

Besides, it's my dad's.
Guy's not going to get
the bill till next month.

- I think I found it.
- What?

- I think I found it.
- You found what?

- What do you got?
- Well, okay, check this out.

"Three little kittens
have shaved their mittens.

Any guys out there
ready to keep us warm?

Lovely,
sensuous hot ladies.

Two's company;
three's delicious.

We don't bite
unless you want us to."

Exactly. Let's do it.
Let's call. Let's call.

- What's the number?
- Okay.

Oh, get this--
"555-Wett."

Okay, look up another one
in case this one's busy.

- Look up another one.
- All right.

No animal stuff.

It's ringing.

It's ringing.
It's ringing. Hold on.

Shh!

Hello? Hi.
Did I dial right?

555-Wett.

Yeah, we're looking
for a lady in the ad.

Oh oh,
it's the butler.

It's the butler.
Yeah, we're looking
for a little company.

Three of us.

Right. Yeah.
Uh-Huh.

Of course.
We're young, healthy,
and very good-Looking.

Uh, we're young and healthy.

Right.
8:00?

Aw, come on.
Can't you make it
a little sooner?

I don't know
if we'll still
be young at 8:00.

8:00.
Pencil. Pencil.

Let me get the directions
down here. Okay.

Up the hill--
All right--
And left.

Okay, we'll see you at 8:00.
Oh, and before you go,

what city is this in?

Oh, my God.
I mean, see you at 8:00.

- Right. Guys?
- What?

These girls live
in Beverly Hills.

- Holy cow, Beverly Hills.
- Jesus H. Christ.

- Good-- That's good.
- Beverly Hills! Yeah!

[ organ playing ]

You know, I don't think
this is such a hot idea.

- Oh, yeah?
- I'm telling you,
money or no money,

these beautiful
California babes

will have nothing
to do with guys like us.

Yeah, well, you got Molly,
and we got nothing,

so we're going,
and you're coming with us.

And besides, when was
the last time old Moll
put out for you, huh?

- Well, uh, uh, uh...
- You know what we gotta do?

We gotta get the girls.
There's no girls in California,
so let's go pay for them.

Yeah, that's
our only solution here.

I mean, you know,
even if we found
those beautiful beach babes,

what are we gonna do?
They're not even gonna
look at us.

Hey, come on, act cool, guys.
We're in Hollywood now.

I'll be back.

Wow.

Nice tits.

Are you gonna
buy something?

Yeah, sure,
lots of things.

Well, then get on
with it.

Yes, ma'am.

[ cash register dings ]

Ah, yeah, some marshmallows
would be good.

Let's see.
Cigars. Cigars.

Huh.

What kind
would Brock want?

I guess these things'll
do in a pinch.

Beer. Beer.

Mmm, I could go
for some of this right now.

Uhh. Must be Australian
or something.

[ muttering ]

You gonna be here
all night?

No, ma'am.
I'm just about done.

I hope this doesn't
become a habit with you.

No, ma'am.

Well, there's only
one other thing I need.

- What is it?
- I, uh...

- Spit it out.
- I--

I need some, um,
protection.

They don't sell dogs here.
They don't sell guns here.

You're in
the wrong store.

I don't think
you understand.

I need prophylactics,
okay?

You know, rubbers?

Rubbers?
You want rubbers?

[ spring boings ]

Yeah, lady.

What kind do you want,
big guy?

I don't know.
Plain wrap?

You cheap--

Wait, lady, look,
I just want to buy these,

and I just want to get
the hell out of here, okay?

My friends are waiting
for me in the car.

I can't sell it
to you, casanova.

Why's that?

Because I don't work here.

What? Do you expect me
to help you?

[ thunder crashing ]

[ wolf howls ]

[ owl hoots ]

[ knocking ]

Boy, this isn't
what I expected.

You sure you got
the right directions?

Yeah, I got
the directions right.

You know what it is?
It's kind of like

"Leave It To Beaver"
meets "The Exorcist," huh?

I got a weird feeling
about this.

Yeah, well, most the time,
I get a weird feeling about you.

"Even a man
who is pure in his heart

and says his prayers
by night..."

- Will you knock that off?
- Hey, hey.

This place gives me
the creeps.

Yeah, creeps.
Me, too.

[ thunder rumbles ]

Yes?

Well, come, come now.

Goodness knows
I haven't got all evening.

We're the guys that called
earlier this afternoon.

We got an appointment
for 8:00.

Oh.

I suppose so.

Follow me.

Is this place Hollywood
or what? Come on.

[ all chattering ]

You boys wait here.

I'll be back
in two shakes.

[ thunder rumbles ]

Hey, Brock, maybe this
isn't such a good idea.

Right. Better idea is us three
go back to the motel

and take turns
in the bathroom, huh?

- Bathroom?
- Come on, this is Hollywood.

We're Hollywood.
What is it without
a little decadence, huh?

Biz without show;
lane without fast;

tinsel without town.

- Los without Angeles?
- [ clock strikes ]

You're a wild man.

Come on.

[ growls ]

- [ clicks ]
- Yeah, it's a real
nice mansion.

The wallpaper's real pretty,
and the butler seems like
a real friendly guy.

Yeah, you can see
the whole place is designed

to heighten your excitement
and expectations.

- Hi, Molly.
- Do you mind, butt-head?

I might use this
in a script someday.

Butt-head?
That's real hip, Kyle.

I don't know
about this, Brock. I--

[ high-pitched chattering ]

God, you're gorgeous.

Punch me.
I must be dreaming.

It's "pinch me."

Ouch.

Woman:
Hello, boys.

How is it hanging?

It's hanging good.

I like you.

Like?
Like-- I like "like."

This is Jessica.

This is Claudia,

and I'm Kristina.

But we don't know
your names.

This is Russell,

and this is Brock.

I'm Brock.

- What's your name?
- My name is a-a-a-a...

Kyle.
My name is Kyle.

Kyle?

You look delicious,
Kyle.

Girls, what do you say
we hit the sheets?

Now, now.
Business before pleasure.

Business?

Is this on separate checks
or all together?

Oh, it's on my dad.

I mean,
it's on-- On me.

Oh, how generous.

I like your style.

I have something
very special in mind for you.

I bet you do.

You haven't seen
the half of it yet.

I have all sorts
of hidden talents.

Come on, boys.
Right this way.

[ spring boings ]

You know, I had fantasies,
but never like this.

Do you like S&M?

I like all the letters.

Ah!

[ both grunting ]

So how do you want me
to pose?

Uh, improvise.
Wait, how many shots do I get?

As many as you need
to get what you want.

That's great.

Here, wait. Okay.

Oh, yeah.
Ooh, that's hot.

That's good. Okay.

Oh, God, yeah.

Nice arches. Nice arches.

Oh, that's nice.

Okay.

Ooh.

That works for me.
That works for me.

So you been
working here long?

A very long time.

Yeah, well, it must be
very satisfying for you--

Working with the public
and all.

We don't often
do it in public.

Yeah, well, what I mean is it
must be very satisfying for you

to help people
and everything.

The name of the game
is satisfaction,

and I'm insatiable.

Are you the man
to quench my thirst?

You know, it's a funny thing.
I've been thinking about that.

Maybe I'm not the right guy.
Maybe you should get hooked up
with somebody else.

I didn't mean to say hooked!
What I meant to say is--

I know.

But I think you'll do
just fine.

Relax. Enjoy it.

Oh, I'm really enjoying it.
I'm having a swell time.

I'm really excited, too.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
Listen, I gotta be moving.
Don't forget to write.

See you later.

Oh, damn.

[ ticking ]

[ striking ]

[ stairs creaking ]

Excuse me?

Ahh!

You startled me.

I didn't hear you.

You shouldn't sneak up
on a person like that,
you naughty boy.

Listen, I'm gonna be
leaving now, and I'm gonna
be taking the car,

so when my friends come down,
can you tell them
to just grab a cab?

Something displeases you?

No, that's not it.
It's just this place
isn't exactly my cup of tea.

Oh, I know what you mean.

There's no reason the evening
should be a total loss.

[ laughs ]
Listen, I'm very
liberal-minded.

That's okay for you,
and it's okay for me.

No, I didn't mean that.
I mean it's okay by me.

No, no, I didn't
mean to say "bi."

What I mean is
bye-bye. I gotta--

- Balthazar!
- [ wolf howls ]

[ spring pops ]

[ thunder rumbles ]

Did I hear you say
you were leaving?

Well, look,
it's nothing personal.

It's like I was telling
the young lady upstairs--

See, back home
I have this little girlfriend.

Oh, a girlfriend?

How cute.

Yeah, well, listen,
I really had a fun time here,

and I really appreciate
everything you've done,
but I--

You must stay.

Look, lady, let's not
get our feathers ruffled here.

I don't mean
any disrespect--

You must stay.

Well, perhaps I could come back
a little later maybe and--

Stay.

I must stay. Stay.

[ hisses ]

[ both panting ]

Ah. Oh.
That was fantastic.

Did you like it?

Like it?

At one point,
I thought we'd have
to call the fire department.

Maybe next time
we can try something

a little more different.

I didn't think there was
anything-- Anything left.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe we could
try something

with a little more
bite in it.

Yeah.

Like what?

[ hisses ]

No, no, no!

Yes, yes, yes!

- [ horse neighs ]
- Oh, yes. Ah, ah!

Brock:
Yes, yes, yes! Yes!

Boy, it sounds like they're
really having a good time
up there, doesn't it?

We can have
an even better time.

Look, I thought
I explained this to you.

See, I got this
little girl back home--

Boy, you really
mean business, don't you?

Look, I gotta tell you,
I'm from a small town
in the Midwest.

This big-city stuff
is all new to me.

I can help you
adapt.

No, look, seriously,
I really gotta be
moving along, see?

I'll write you later.

I promise.
I'll send you a letter.

I'm sorry.

He was too skinny anyway.

He'll be back.

[ wolf howls ]

I wonder where the heck
those guys are.

- [ knock on door ]
- Hey, maybe that's them.

Maid service,
come to clean your room.

Look, I'm not quite ready
for you now. Can you come back
in a few minutes?

This isn't gonna be
a habit with you, is it?

No, ma'am.

I've got a schedule
to keep, you know?

I've got 27 rooms
to take care of.

This isn't gonna be
a habit with you, is it?

Look, lady, if you just
come back in a few minutes,
I'll be all ready for you.

Yeah, hello.
My name is Kyle, and I--

Oh, great,
an answering service.

Yeah, hi.
My name is Kyle Carpenter,

and I called
this number last night.

And see, a couple of my buddies
came by there last night
for a session,

see, and they
haven't shown up yet.

And I was wondering
if they came back there.

Or when you do see them,
can you call me back
so I'll know

so I can get
in touch with them, okay?

Yeah. My number
is 555-1377,

room 312.

And if you could call me back,
that'll be great.

And, yeah, it's 10:00--
10:30 A.M. Tuesday.

All right?
Thanks.

Whew.

[ rings ]

Hello.

Yes, yes,
this is Kyle Carpenter.

Hold? Okay.

Maid service,
come to clean the room.

You still here?

- Well, yes, I--
- I've already rearranged
my schedule once.

No, no, I know.
I really appreciate it,
but-- Hello?

Yeah great.
Look, I'm glad you got
my message.

- What message?
- No, no-- Please wait.

No, not you.
Look, I need to find out
if my friends are at your place.

This isn't
gonna be a habit?

No.
No, not you.

Yes, yes, we all
did come in early.

- Since when?
- Since last night.

No, no, I'm not there now.
I'm here.

I'll vouch for that.

What do you mean,
you have no record
of the call?

Or the session?
Is this 555-WETT?

You can clean
your own sheets.

Yeah, but we were there--
Three of us.

It's a mansion-type place.
The girl I was with
was named Kristina.

Wait, I was--

All right, you guys
want to act paranoid,
go right ahead.

I was there-- I know.
I'm just gonna have to
retrace my steps.

Okay, lady, you can
have the room. It's all yours.

I'm off duty now.

May I help you, sir?

Hi. Remember me?

I can't say
as I do, sir.

It's me, Kyle--
Kyle Carpenter.

I was here last night
with my two friends.

I'm not certain
I know what you're
talking about, sir.

But what about
those two girls
and the tall lady?

Oh, madam?
Madam is vacationing
in Ibiza, sir.

The house
is not occupied

except for myself
and a few other servants.

Oh, I get it, shorty.
You're starting up a little
racket of your own, huh?

While the cat's away,
the mice will play.

Trying to make
a little dinero
for yourself, eh?

Pardon me, sir.

Look, all I ask is a minute.
Just give me a minute.

Maybe I'm totally mixed up,
but can I just have a little
look around here?

Very well, sir,
if it will satisfy you.

Hey, what kind of a gag
is this? What's going on
around here?

As I said,

the house
is not occupied.

Yeah, but it was
last night.

Hey, you mind if
I have a look upstairs?

I'd rather you didn't,
sir.

Aha! So there is something
going on upstairs.

I'll be back in a flash.

You don't want me
to check upstairs, so that's
just what I'm gonna do.

Just how stupid
do you think I am?

Kristina? Kristina?

Hey, what's going on
around here?

Madam's little girl.

The room's been kept
this way ever since she...

passed over.

Passed away?

Yes, quite.

Listen, this is
the same room I was
in last night,

but it's not the same room
I was in last night.

I sure don't know
what's going on around here.

At the moment,
all is at rest.

Listen, are you sure
you don't remember me
and my pals?

I'm afraid not, sir.

Yeah, well, you're gonna
remember us 'cause I'm gonna
go get the cops, muy pronto.

- [ falling down stairs ]
- Ow! Oh! Ah!
Help! Oh! Yipes!

Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh!
Ooh, that smarts.

Here, fill this out.

Then what?

Then you wait
24 hours.

24 hours?
What are you talking about?

I'm not taking
a blood test here.
I'm trying to find my friends.

It's procedure.

You see, we can't act
on a missing-persons report

for 24 hours
till after it's made.

Besides, your buddies
are probably partying it up

somewhere in some hot tub.

They'll come back
on their own.

They wouldn't do that
to me, Sarge.

Look, can't you
at least follow up
on that call-girl operation?

That's vice.
I'm missing persons.

Besides, we'd have to
have grounds--

Catch 'em in the act.
Otherwise it's called
harassment.

Yeah, but I went back
to the mansion.

- Were your buddies there?
- No, they disappeared.

And everything
was changed around.
It was all different.

There you go.
Slippery little minx,
aren't they?

Look, I don't know
the exact address,

but I know it's somewhere
out on Berman Drive.

Berman Drive?
That's Beverly Hills.

This is Hollywood.
Out of our jurisdiction.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'll go
to the Beverly Hills cops then.

Yeah? Well, let me
tell you something.

Beverly Hills cops are real
protective of their residents,

and they're especially
touchy about people

coming from out of town.

- Oh, swell!
- Don't worry, kid.

They'll show up sooner
or later safe and sound.

Think positive.
Now get out of my office.

You went where?

Look, Molly, relax.
Nothing happened.

And besides, it wasn't
my idea anyway.

It was just something
to do, that's all.

That's a fine
something to do.

Look, if you're gonna
be that way about it,
I'll just hang up on you.

We got a maid here
at the motel who can give me
that kind of grief.

A maid?

Oh, will you stop?

Now come on,
this is serious.

You know, the only reason
I called you is 'cause

I couldn't think
of what to do next.

Well, did you try
going back to that place?

Yeah, but it's
all different somehow.

This guy says he doesn't
remember me or the other guys.

And it doesn't look
like the police are going
to be too much help either.

Well, maybe the guys
will show up...

maybe.

Yeah, too much of this
is too weird.

I just have a bad feeling
about this, and it's getting
worse all the time.

Well, don't you know anybody
out there who can help you?

Hey, wait a minute.
Aaron Pendleton, Brock's uncle.

Of course.
How could I be so stupid?
What an idiot I am.

Hey, Molly, I gotta run.
I love you.

I'll call you back later.
Bye.

But--

Kyle? Kyle?

[ dial tone ]

What would you do?

Wanna go to Hollywood?

Is Mr. Pendleton in?

Yes, but he's
in a very important
casting meeting right now.

Ah, casting shmasting.
I got no time for formalities.

But-- But you
can't go in there.
He'll kill ya!

Very nice reading,
Miss Smith.

Thank you.

Now see here,
young man,

you can't just come
barging in here like this.

Do you remember me?

Oh! Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yesterday.

Well, I'm sorry.
My reader hasn't gotten
to your script just yet.

Yeah, I can see that.

Well, I mean,
we're going to be shooting

"Motorcycle Sluts"
in two more days.

Mr. Pendleton,
Brock is missing.

- Brock?
- Your nephew.

Oh, Brock.

Yeah, and Russell,
the other guy I came in with?

Missing, huh?

Yeah, they disappeared.
It's a long story.

You see, we were
kind of lonesome one night,

and we bought one
of these sex newspapers, see?

And we were reading through it,
and it more or less kinda--

Boys, boys, boys, why didn't
you tell me you wanted
a little entertainment?

You could have called me.
I could have fixed you up.

Well, I guess we weren't
thinking too clearly.

Oh, I know, I know.
Little head doing the thinking
for the big head, right?

- Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Tsk tsk tsk.
- Well, you see,

the three of us went up
to this mansion, see?
Way up there.

And then we met
these three beautiful women.

And then I kinda left.
I chickened out, see?

But those two guys
stayed up there.

Then I went back
to look for 'em,
and they were gone.

And the people at the mansion
won't help me,

and I don't know
how to get in touch with them.

Well, they probably just
extended the party, you know?

They're probably out there
somewhere now

- Just enjoying a hot tub.
- Hot tubs?

What is it with you people
and your hot tubs?

Listen, I know these guys.
They wouldn't disappear
on me like this.

We had things planned for today.
We were all set.

Well, did you think
of calling the police?

Police? Yeah, fat lot
of help they are.

You know you can't do anything
for 24 hours after you file
a missing-persons report?

There's no way--

Hey, wait a minute,
Mr. Pendleton.

I'm a nobody out here,
but you, you're a big important
Hollywood producer.

Maybe you could use
some of your influence
and clout

to help me out
with the police.

With the police? No.

Uh, no, I don't think
we want to call the police.

Don't want to, you know,
call in too many favors
all at once, you know?

No, no, I think that
we need to find another plan.

Actually,
I'll tell you the truth.

I think that you may be just
overreacting just a little, huh?

Overreacting?
How can you say that?

[ Sherry screams ]

Call it intuition.

What the hell's
wrong with her?

Oh.

Brock!
Are you okay?

Fine. Actually I'm
not feeling so fine.

You don't look
too good, sport.

Hi, uncle Aaron.
Listen, I hope you don't mind--

I stopped by the hotel.
The guys weren't there,

so thought I'd come by
and see you.

I'm not feeling so well.

What happened to you guys?

Well, you know how it was.
You were there.

We got
the sexual thing going,
the physical thing,

and all of a sudden,
blacked out.

Don't remember much
after that.

- You look terrible.
- Thanks.

- You're so pale.
- Feel pale.

Wait.
You know, it looks like--

Looks like you have
no temperature.

In fact you're
kind of clammy.

- Clammy?
- Whoa, hold on.

What is this right here?
Look at that.

That's real blood.

- You know how it is.
- You're hurt, Brock.

Girls kind of get
carried away and all.

- You're definitely hurt.
- Excuse me.

Ah!
[ sucking ]

Sorry.

Got a little
carried away myself.

Is there any way
we can get a raw steak
around here, guys?

Ah.

Hey, you got one of them--
Them-- What do you call it?
Compact?

Your makeup's fine, honey.

It's not for me.
It's for my friend Brock.

Oh, in that case...

- Here you go.
- Thanks, baby.

No problem.

Pale, clammy,
the bite marks on the neck...

and no reflection
in the mirror.

- Ow.
- Sorry.

Brock, I hate to
break the news to you,

but I think
you're a vampire.

- You think I'm a what?
- Those women--

The only ones
available at night,
the call-girl service,

the mysterious instructions--
What a perfect setup.

I think the one you were with
bit you in the neck

and you became
a vampire.

You know, I hate it
when that happens.

Now wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You guys trying
to pull a fast one
on the old A.P., huh?

Is this your way
of trying to get me
to read that script of yours?

No, sir.
I'm deadly serious.

And to be perfectly frank,
I'm very scared.

Well, how come
if he's a vampire,

he's still walking around
in broad daylight, huh?

I mean, aren't they supposed
to shrivel up and die
or something?

Answer that one for me,
smart guy.

Well, I don't know.
He just got bit last night.

Maybe it hasn't
taken full effect yet.

Maybe he's just
an apprentice vampire.

You know,
my parents said I would
never amount to anything.

Look at this.

What do we do now,
Pendleton?

Well, I might know somebody
who can help us.

Who's that?

- A priest.
- A priest.

Yeah, yeah.
He was technical consultant
on a movie I made

called "Teenage Exorcist."

Now if anybody knows anything
about vampires, he's the man.

Sherry?

Yes, sir?

Listen, sweetheart,
I want you to keep an eye

on our friend Brock here,
all right?

Don't worry.
He won't bite.

Let me rephrase that.

Um, I just want to know
that someone will be here
to take care of him

if he wants anything, you know?
I mean a drink...

of water or something?

He's pretty weak.
He'll be okay.

Anything you say,
Mr. Pendleton.

All right.
Let's go, pal.

Yeah.

Well, don't take
any wooden stakes.

[ laughs ]
I love this kid.

Can I get you
anything?

Kyle?

Kyle?

Brock?

Anybody?

"Spectacular Action Pictures."

- [ organ playing ]
- [ chorus singing ]

Ahem.

Oh, Aaron,

how good to see you.
Please be seated.

Well, now are you here
for some more advice
about fighting Satan?

Begone, Satan!
[ laughs ]

Well, actually, I don't think
that we're casting a Satan
on this show.

We were thinking more
in terms of a vampire.

Oh, wrong reading, eh?

Begone, Count Yorga.
Is that better?

Yeah, but I don't think
we're gonna be able to go
for Count Yorga either.

What we really had in mind

was more the garden-variety
kind of vampire.

Have you got a script yet
or what?

Look, to tell you
the truth,

Father, it's not
really a movie.

My young friend here
thinks that he saw
a real vampire.

What do you mean,
"my young friend here"?

You saw Brock.
You saw what happened.

- Who's Brock?
- He's my friend.

He's the one
the vampires got.

Oh, really?

I'm telling you the truth,
Father-- I saw this guy.

He's got two big holes
in his neck.

He's real pale.
He's walking around
in a stupor.

He looks like all
the blood's been drained
out of his body.

And then we saw him
bend over and lap blood
up off the ground.

Go ahead, tell him.
Pendleton, tell him.

Well, yeah, really--
Right there, see?

I'm surprised
at you, Aaron.

With all the films you've made
with disgusting,

stomach-churning,
vomit-inducing makeup effects,

you're trying
to tell me you actually saw
two real vampire bites?

I wasn't reborn yesterday,
you know?

Yeah, I guess
you're right.

Come on,
we were a little hasty.

Hasty?
What do you mean, hasty?

We're talking
about Brock here.
This is my pal.

It's your nephew.

The next thing you're
going to tell me

is that he cast no reflection
in the mirror.

That's exactly right,
Father.

There was no reflection
in the mirror.
I tested it.

- You saw this?
- Yeah.

- No.
- Well, no, but--

- Yeah. Well, yes--
- Yeah, but--

- No, not exactly.
- What--

I didn't see a reflection
in the mirror, no.

I saw the mirror there.
There was a table,
there was a chair,

but no Brock.

When-- When did your friend
become afflicted?

Since last night.

Oh.

Then the first 24 hours
are nearly up.

He's close to achieving
full power.

So you do believe me,
right, Father?

When you've encountered
as many demons from hell
as I have,

you learn
to take it seriously.

Wow.
You've actually fought
the demons from hell--

The vampires?

Well, a vampire
by any other name.

Oh, they come
in various forms, you know?

There's mass-murdering
religious cults,

heavy-metal band,
acupuncturists,

television evangelists.

Whoa.
No kidding?

You'd be surprised.

I once encountered
a vampire

who disguised himself
as an I.R.S. agent.

Of course, nobody would
believe that he was really
a bloodsucking leech.

So what do we do now,
Father?

Well, first you have
to arm yourself with
the proper weapons.

You need sharp
pointed wooden stakes, crosses.

I'll give you some holy water
before you leave.

Uh-Huh. And what then?

Now your friend Brock,
is he safe?

Yeah, I guess so.

As safe as anybody can be
with my secretary.

Well, nothing will
occur to her,

so he'll be safe there.

Now I suggest that
you return to their lair,

to the place where
you first encountered them.

- That's the mansion.
- Exactly.

Now if you can find
the head vampire--

That's that tall lady
I was telling you about.

A woman? Oh, dear.
They're the worst kind.

Why is that, Father?

Who do you think
created feminism, dear boy?

So what happens then?

Well, when you meet
this head vampire--

The top dog,
the big cheese,
the super suck, as it were--

Yeah, we--
We get the point.

Well, if you can
confront that one--

If you can dispatch it
from this land of the living

to the eternal damnation
of the living dead,

the rest will be
a piece of cake.

What about Brock?

Oh, well, that's the idea.

Then if you can confront
this lady vampire in time,

perhaps the spell
will be broken.

Then your friend will
be left with nothing
but a monstrous hickey.

- Russell!
- Where?

I don't know.
He's still at the mansion.

I don't know what kind of
condition he'll be in.

Well, since one
of your friends got away,

the other one will probably
be under double protection.

Of course, if they're
still feeding on him,

it may be too late.

Oh, Father!
You mean I might have to--

Exactly.

But remember, my son,

a man hath no greater friend
than one who's willing

to jam a wooden stake
through his heart.

Really.

I'll try and remember that,
Father.

Yeah.
Well, we'd better get going.

Oh, Aaron,
before you leave,

I finished
another script.

Oh, great.

Yes, I want you
to finish every page of it.

It's time
for your bath, Father.

- [ choir singing ]
- God bless you, my child.

[ Brock mumbling ]

[ muttering ]

[ thunder rumbling ]

[ wolf howling ]

- [ knock at door ]
- Yes?

- [ door creaks ]
- It is I, Balthazar.

- Enter.
- [ door closes ]

Ahem.

The chief of police called
to ask of the whereabouts
of his men.

Our little Sammy.
He misses his Madam Cassandra.

Yes, ma'am.

Have you scheduled him in
for tonight?

Yes, ma'am.

You're having him
for dinner.

Mmm! Good.

Maybe we'll settle our business
once and for all

between me
and the Beverly Hills cops.

Very good, madam.

[ sucking ]

Hello?

Is anybody here?

- [ hisses ]
- Kyle?

Kyle?

Hello?

Ahh!

- Molly.
- Oh, Brock.

God, you scared
the hell out of me.

- What are you doing here?
- Kyle called.

You had disappeared
or something?

Don't worry about it.
It was nothing.

What happened
to your teeth?

Oh, these?
Busted on a piece of corn.

Temporary caps--
Didn't have my size.

I'll get 'em filed
when I get home.

Brock, look!

Ah, special effects.
You know we're shooting
a horror film here.

- Oh.
- Sherry.

She's good, huh?

You know, Kyle 's going
to be real happy to see you.

- I've been so worried.
- You know, I have, too.

Okay, so it's dark out
already.

All right. It's all right.
We're almost there.
We're almost there.

[ car honks ]

Oh.

The forces of evil are
no match for the power of good.

Hey, wait a minute.

Yeah, I think I paid
good money for that line once.

[ thunder rumbles ]

[ wolf howls ]

What's going on here?

Hey, any of you guys
seen my camera?

- Ha ha!
- What's going on?

Oh, my God.
Hey! Ow!

Hey, wait. Wait!
Ouch, ouch!

- [ all sucking ]
- Ah! Ow!

Eat, drink, and be merry.

- Save some for me.
- Aah!

[ screams ]

Checklist ready?

Oh, um, yeah. Shoot.

Crucifix?

Yeah. Check.

- Wow.
- [ horn honking ]

[ tires screech ]

- Sharpened wooden stake?
- Yeah, right here. Check.

Holy water?

Holy wa--
Yeah, check.

Okay, then.
We're all set.

Yeah, now just let some
ancient vampire hooker

try and pull a fast one
on us, huh?

Yeah, that's telling 'em.

[ sucking ]
Mmm.

[ wolf howls ]

- What are we gonna do?
- Kick butt.

- What kind of butt?
- Vampire butt!

- I can't hear you.
- Vampire butt!

- I can't hear you!
- Vampire butt!

Shut up. They'll hear you.
Come on.

Whoo! High five.

- Now get 'em, tiger.
- Argh!

Give me the holy water.

You got it.

Shrivel up and die,
vermin from hell.

Oh, I love it
when you talk dirty.

What'd I do wrong,
Pendleton?

Maybe he's not
a real vampire.

Hey, are you
a real vampire?

Only on
Saturday nights.

Out of the way,
guardian of the underworld.

That's telling him.

[ thunder rumbles ]

Boys, boys, really!

All right,
where are they?

Who?

The hell-born
fiends of the night.

- Who?
- The daughters of darkness.

I got a good one--
The soulless denizens

from the pits of oblivion.
Top that one.

The undead bloodsuckers
from the realms of corruption.

- You win.
- Thank you.

Oh, them?
Oh, out.

- Out?
- Out.

- Out.
- Yeah, out.

And God knows
when they'll be back.

They never think
to telephone or anything.

Listen, shorty,
I've had just about
enough out of you.

Oh, really?

Pendleton, can you
do something with this guy?

What'd you have in mind?

Use your imagination,
sailor.

- Okay.
- [ gasps ]

Ah.

Oh, that really was
a pistol in your pocket.

Where'd you get that?

Prop department.
I used it in my last flick--

"Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers."

Look, it has
silver bullets in it.

- Isn't that for werewolves?
- Yeah, but you never know.
They might have pets.

Besides, a speeding bullet
has no conscience.

How profound!
Oh, that's early "Superman,"
isn't it?

Right.

What're you gonna
do with him?

Ah.

Come on,
get in there.

I spent years trying
to get out of the closet.

There's not
a straight man left.

Now, remember,
you try to come out of there,

and I'll fill you
full of lead.

Promises, promises!

That should take care of him.
Come on, let's go find Russell.

Listen, Carl,

that holy-water gag
didn't work too well
at the front door.

Now maybe we ought to
call up Father Ferraro

and maybe get a brush-up course
on that bag of tricks
you're packing, huh?

Good.

Your time is running out,

demonic banshees
of the everlasting hellfire.

- Pretty good, huh?
- [ clock chiming ]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Father Ferraro.

Aaron Pendleton here.

Yeah--

Well, no, actually
I haven't gotten around
to reading it yet, Father.

Well, I think you'll find it
a highly inspirational

and uniquely
uplifting piece

that squarely addresses
the moral issues

of our troubled times
with profound insight,

imagination,
and intelligence...

it's been done.

...not to mention
a high body count,

two car chases,

and full-frontal nudity.

Well, now that
sounds interesting.

Listen, Father,
actually the reason we called

is to discuss that matter
that my little buddy and I
were talking about earlier.

Well, we're actually
in the mansion right now,
you see?

And I want to clarify
some of the rules

about kicking
vampire butt--

Doing vampire business,
right?

Now we're about to
square off with the undead here.

So this simple
crucifix thing,

are you sure that's
an adequate defense
against this sort of thing?

Oh, most certainly.
And a potent one at that.

Oh, yeah,
but will it work?

Just looking at it
makes them recoil in terror.

Of course, the real trick
is to make it come in contact
with the flesh.

Yes, that way they know
you really mean business.

Of course, with a female,
it works exceptionally well

if you can just
manage to slide it
in between her bosoms

- And leave it there.
- [ metal clangs ]

Hmm.
And the holy water?

Oh, just a few drops is enough,
but aim for her face.

Ah. Now, listen, about this
stake-in-the-heart routine,

I mean, we don't have
a hammer or anything.

I mean, what do we do
when we actually come up
against one of these chicks?

Well, just give it
a good solid thrust.

Yes, put all your weight
behind it.

Well, one of you
may have to hold her down.

Now do we have to really
use a sharpened stake,

or can we improvise?

Well, in case
of a rough situation,

you may want to
experiment with something that's
long enough and hard enough

to cause sufficient
penetration,

providing you can
ram it home with full force.

Now how deep does it really
have to puncture to be lethal?

Well, eight inches
should satisfy.

But remember, no matter how much
she begs or screams,

don't pull it out until
she's completely disintegrated.

Thanks, Father.

Hey, we'll do lunch.

May the lord
be with you, my son.

Yes. Oh!

It's time for
your hot tub now, Father.

[ choir sings ]

Well, it looks like
there's nobody here.

- [ hisses ]
- Ahh! Ahh!

Fie on me,
minion of evil.

Aah!

[ yelling ]

Aaron:
Hey, kid, what'd you do to her?

She's bleeding guacamole.

Ow!

Eat crucifix,
bitch.

Ow!

Wow.

Thanks for all your help,
Pendleton.

I just wanted to see
how you handle yourself, kid.

Ow.

- Russell: Ow!
- That sounds like Russell.

Come on, yellow-belly,
let's go find him.

Wait a minute. There might
be some of those babes
with terminal overbite.

We're going to have to
locate the boss vampire
if you want to save Brock.

I've been thinking about that.
Tell me something.

How much do you
really like Brock?

Eh, come on.

It's awful quiet in here.
Maybe they left already.

Yeah, I think the worst
is behind us now.

Hey...

Why don't you come with me
if you want a blowjob?

I always wondered
who you had to --
to get off this movie.

Ah! Then again,
maybe they're still here.

That's okay,
'cause I'm ready for 'em.

Oh, little boy?

Don't be afraid.

I'm not
going to hurt you.

I just want to

bite your neck and

drink your vital juices

and make you my sex slave
for all eternity.

Hey, hey, be careful.
You're messing up my hair.

But I can make you feel

like you've never
felt before.

- [ pants zing ]
- Ooh, I felt that before.

Is that a stake
in your pocket,

or are you just glad
to see me?

Ha ha! It's a stake.
Now die, bitch.

Ah!

My, that's a big one.

Aah!

Boy, what a waste.

- Eh!
- Hey.

Ah! Ow!

Russell,
you poor little schnook.

Look, I know
what you're thinking,

but it's not so bad.

I mean, there are a lot
of fringe benefits here,
if you know what I mean.

- Stay back.
- I thought I was your friend.

I mean, we go way back.
Am I right?

I mean, why not
continue for centuries?

I don't think so.

We could be blood brothers.

I'd rather
just keep it casual.

All you need
is a little persuading, huh?

Ah!

And I lent you
my roller skates.

Aw, gee, Russell,
I feel bad enough already.

Okay, who's next?

I'm locked
in a closet here,

and outside in the house
there's violence,

death, and bloodshed,
and horror.

Rats,
and I'm missing it all.

What the hell
is going on here?

Can't you see
I am entertaining?

I came to end
your reign of terror
once and for all.

And I'd like to get
my friend's gold card
back too if that's okay.

I know you,
young man.

You're the one that couldn't
quite make it the other night.

I already explained that
to you--

I got this
girlfriend back home.

I am so sick
and tired of hearing
about that little bitch.

You resisted my affection
last time,

but now you
will belong to me.

[ sucking ]

You don't impress me.

Well, I'll have to
just try harder.

Ah!

[ spring boings ]

Ha! I figured you'd try
something like this.

Aah!

Aah!

I'll be right back.

Aah!

[ hisses ]

You're going to
pay for this, kid.

Oh, yeah? You're the one
that's going to pay.

I'm gonna grind you
into hamburger.

Here you go, lady.
Have some Pope soda.

Aah!

[ screaming ]

[ scream fades ]

Hey, this stuff is great.

Brock:
Kyle?

Kyle?

Kyle, come on out.

Are you here?

Hey, Kyle?

- Molly, Brock!
- Yeah, great.

Molly, what are you
doing here?

I flew out
after your last call.

I was so worried.
Are you all right?

I'm fine.
Brock, buddy,
how you doin'?

I feel fantastic.

Oh, good.
Father Ferraro told me
if I killed the boss vampire,

- Everything would be okay.
- Who's Father Ferraro?

I'll take you out to breakfast.
I'll explain everything
to you there.

- Come on. Let's go.
- [ clock chimes ]

[ both hiss ]

Let's get him.

Who'd have thought
I'd get the last shot
in this movie?

[ upbeat music playing ]