All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Bruce.2007.720p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]
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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
3
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,642
(BOTH SlNGlNG)
4
00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:29,379
Bull's-eye, yeah.
5
00:01:29,672 --> 00:01:30,881
(LAUGHS)
6
00:01:31,716 --> 00:01:34,301
-Here, have a swig, man.
-No, it's okay. Thanks.
7
00:01:34,385 --> 00:01:36,720
Come on, it's just beer, you pussy,
have a drink.
8
00:01:36,805 --> 00:01:38,388
All right, fine.
9
00:01:40,683 --> 00:01:41,892
(COUGHlNG)
10
00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:46,647
-l love beer.
-Yeah, l can tell.
11
00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:52,236
l thought l told you to ditch
all this monster movie crap.
12
00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:55,322
-What's wrong with it?
-Jesus, Jeff.
13
00:01:55,406 --> 00:01:56,865
When are you gonna grow up?
14
00:01:56,908 --> 00:01:58,242
Getting you laid is hard enough
15
00:01:58,284 --> 00:02:01,995
without having to explain
the whole Bruce Campbell factor.
16
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,540
What's wrong with Bruce Campbell?
17
00:02:05,583 --> 00:02:07,501
Death of the Dead?
18
00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:08,919
Maniac Cop?
19
00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:12,214
Moonwarp?
20
00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:14,424
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
21
00:02:16,427 --> 00:02:20,013
Bruce Campbell is the greatest actor
of his generation!
22
00:02:20,098 --> 00:02:22,182
Man with the Screaming Brain.
23
00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:23,433
Alien Apocalypse.
24
00:02:23,518 --> 00:02:26,145
Oh, here's a good one, Cave AIien.
25
00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:27,688
That is a good one!
26
00:02:27,772 --> 00:02:30,232
Yeah, "Bruce Campbell is
Lieutenant Jack Stryker,
27
00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:34,611
"a rogue clone warrior and mankind's
last hope against the deadly cave aliens."
28
00:02:34,696 --> 00:02:36,446
Yeah. So?
29
00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:40,284
Dude, forget thumbs, Ebert wouldn't
wipe his crack with this trash.
30
00:02:40,368 --> 00:02:41,493
Get out of the car.
31
00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:44,163
-What?
-You don't like Bruce, you walk!
32
00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:46,123
Hey, take it easy, man.
33
00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:49,918
Besides, l kind of liked Bubba Ho-tep.
34
00:02:49,961 --> 00:02:52,462
Everyone liked Bubba Ho-tep!
35
00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:53,839
Calm down.
36
00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:58,468
Okay. All right, fine.
37
00:02:59,804 --> 00:03:03,307
-Now, can we please go get laid?
-All right.
38
00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:37,466
Holy shit.
39
00:03:42,388 --> 00:03:43,889
Boo!
40
00:03:43,973 --> 00:03:45,015
Dick!
41
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,851
(LAUGHlNG) Dude,
just fucking with you. Come on.
42
00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:49,728
What the hell?
43
00:04:08,122 --> 00:04:09,623
(SCREAMS)
44
00:04:09,707 --> 00:04:10,916
(GlRLS LAUGHlNG)
45
00:04:11,459 --> 00:04:14,127
You scream like a girl.
46
00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:16,213
Jeff, Little Debbie.
47
00:04:16,297 --> 00:04:17,464
Hey.
48
00:04:17,548 --> 00:04:20,217
Clayton, Big Debbie.
49
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,427
-Hey.
-Hey.
50
00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:25,806
Come on, let's go check out
this creepy graveyard.
51
00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:27,057
(LlTTLE DEBBlE WHOOPlNG)
52
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,935
When l told the mascara queen
about this old graveyard,
53
00:04:30,019 --> 00:04:32,896
-she practically dry humped me on the spot.
-GlRLS: Yeah.
54
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:36,358
-She's sort of cute.
-Yeah. Don't worry, hard on.
55
00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:37,776
Morticia's all yours.
56
00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:41,822
l'm gonna go practice my human fly
on little Miss Skyscraper over there.
57
00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:43,407
(CLAYTON WHOOPlNG)
58
00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:46,243
(COUGHlNG)
59
00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:53,583
-Hey.
-Hi.
60
00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:57,296
They look ancient, historic.
61
00:04:57,380 --> 00:05:01,758
Yeah, these graves have been around
since the cave-in of...
62
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:03,593
A long time ago.
63
00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:06,263
Must have meant a lot to these people.
64
00:05:07,765 --> 00:05:09,766
Let's break something.
65
00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:13,562
As long as it's not my heart.
66
00:05:13,604 --> 00:05:15,605
What do you say?
Give me some sugar, baby.
67
00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:17,607
-What?
-Hey, look.
68
00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:21,028
We can play the hard to get all night,
69
00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:25,699
but if this game's called eye-tag,
your lips say l'm it.
70
00:05:25,783 --> 00:05:26,783
(SPlTS)
71
00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:27,826
(GROANS)
72
00:05:27,910 --> 00:05:29,286
(LlTTLE DEBBlE LAUGHlNG)
73
00:05:31,956 --> 00:05:33,582
Your loss, baby.
74
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:35,917
Your loss.
75
00:05:39,213 --> 00:05:40,547
(CLATTERlNG)
76
00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:45,135
So, why haven't l seen you around school?
77
00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:47,804
-That's 'cause l'm never there.
-Cool.
78
00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:52,059
-You seeing anybody?
-No.
79
00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:53,226
Cool.
80
00:05:53,811 --> 00:05:55,979
(BlRD CAWlNG)
81
00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:29,221
Groovy.
82
00:06:35,853 --> 00:06:37,396
Christ! Shit!
83
00:06:39,857 --> 00:06:41,691
(ROARlNG)
84
00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:43,985
(JEFF EXCLAlMS)
85
00:06:44,028 --> 00:06:46,029
JEFF: Run! Get the hell out of here!
86
00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:48,240
Freak.
87
00:06:48,324 --> 00:06:50,117
(GROWLlNG)
88
00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:56,331
(EXCLAlMlNG
lN STRANGE LANGUAGE)
89
00:06:57,375 --> 00:06:58,375
(BlG DEBBlE SCREAMS)
90
00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:01,420
Shit, Clayton, run!
91
00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:03,338
Yeah, right, Romeo.
92
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:10,262
(BlG DEBBlE SCREAMlNG)
93
00:07:15,017 --> 00:07:16,143
Shit!
94
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:23,066
-What's up with that fucking lightning?
-That's heat lightning, baby.
95
00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:24,359
(LAUGHlNG)
96
00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:25,902
(CLAYTON GROANS)
97
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:27,487
(SCREAMS)
98
00:07:28,364 --> 00:07:30,574
(BOTH SCREAMlNG)
99
00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:35,954
(SCREAMlNG)
100
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:39,082
-Jeff, don't leave me!
-Come on, Clayton, run!
101
00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:43,295
Jeff! Jeff, don't leave me, man!
102
00:07:43,379 --> 00:07:44,838
Come on, man!
103
00:07:44,922 --> 00:07:46,923
Don't fucking leave me!
104
00:07:47,758 --> 00:07:50,343
(CLAYTON GROANlNG)
105
00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:53,096
No! No!
106
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:55,765
Shit!
107
00:07:59,687 --> 00:08:01,771
(GUAN-Dl ROARlNG)
108
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:08,445
What did l do?
109
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:16,828
Hold it right there.
110
00:08:18,539 --> 00:08:22,501
What's wrong with you, Stryker?
We've got the cave alien cornered.
111
00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:25,629
Okay, so transmit the scans
up to Delta Baker,
112
00:08:25,671 --> 00:08:28,173
plant some bio blasters
and send out for Chinese.
113
00:08:28,257 --> 00:08:31,218
-Colonel Parker's still trapped down there.
-Cry me a river, toots.
114
00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:35,096
Last time l ran into Colonel Parker,
he had me in front of a firing squad!
115
00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:37,766
Coward!
116
00:08:37,808 --> 00:08:40,477
l should have left you on Regula Nine.
117
00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:44,314
You know you couldn't do that, baby.
118
00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:46,733
Yeah. That's right.
119
00:08:46,817 --> 00:08:51,321
You knew they built me
out of your old man's DNA, don't you?
120
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:54,991
So l say we keep in the family
and start swapping some spit, ASAP.
121
00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:57,494
-You're disgusting.
-l'm a man.
122
00:08:57,578 --> 00:09:01,081
And l've wanted to do this
ever since we landed on this rock.
123
00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:04,960
(ROARlNG)
124
00:09:15,596 --> 00:09:17,639
Damn it! We're surrounded!
125
00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:20,350
BRUCE: Behind you! Look out!
126
00:09:20,434 --> 00:09:21,851
Get down!
127
00:09:24,188 --> 00:09:27,274
Watch out, watch out!
Take him out! Take him out!
128
00:09:28,859 --> 00:09:30,694
Can't you die?
129
00:09:33,739 --> 00:09:35,365
(CREATURE GROANlNG)
130
00:09:35,866 --> 00:09:37,242
(EXCLAlMlNG)
131
00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:42,080
Cut! Cut!
132
00:09:42,164 --> 00:09:43,290
Cut!
133
00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:45,000
(BELL RlNGlNG)
134
00:09:46,460 --> 00:09:48,336
(PEOPLE CHATTERlNG)
135
00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:54,426
-Dude, light me, don't fight me.
-Hey, bite me.
136
00:09:57,555 --> 00:09:59,097
Bruce, that was sweet.
137
00:09:59,181 --> 00:10:01,558
Don't you think it was just,
l don't know, a little over the top?
138
00:10:01,642 --> 00:10:04,352
No, no, no. lt was very CaIiguIa
meets The Apple Dumpling Gang.
139
00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:05,729
That's not an answer.
140
00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:08,732
lt was perfect for Cave AIien 2. Moving on!
141
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:15,322
Hey, Tiny,
fetch me another lemon water, will you?
142
00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:18,408
-They just ran out, man.
-Well, then, dude, you run out, capiche?
143
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,201
Come on, now.
144
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,497
(EXCLAlMS)
145
00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:26,416
Nice job, baby.
146
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:28,710
l'll tell you, what a relief,
on these down-and-dirty shows,
147
00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:30,003
to be working with a pro.
148
00:10:30,087 --> 00:10:31,671
l wouldn't know.
149
00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:36,760
Good.
150
00:10:36,844 --> 00:10:40,805
God damn it. "Get me some lemon water.
Give me some sugar, baby."
151
00:10:43,517 --> 00:10:44,768
Perfect.
152
00:10:46,437 --> 00:10:48,021
Get a load of this, bitch.
153
00:10:48,105 --> 00:10:49,439
(TRlCKLlNG)
154
00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:53,401
Hey, l know this bar off Cahuenga
where the drinks are cheap,
155
00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:55,445
and, well, l'll be there.
156
00:10:55,529 --> 00:10:57,072
(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)
157
00:10:57,948 --> 00:10:59,449
Hello?
158
00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:01,743
Oh, hello.
159
00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:04,037
No, you're not interrupting anything.
160
00:11:04,121 --> 00:11:05,872
At least think it over.
161
00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:08,500
Mr. Campbell, that refreshing lemon water
you asked for, sir.
162
00:11:08,584 --> 00:11:10,335
Thanks.
163
00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:11,461
Hey.
164
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,799
-This is warm.
-Sir, l'm sorry.
165
00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:18,927
l'll make sure you get an ice-cold case
of it in your trailer by the morning.
166
00:11:18,969 --> 00:11:20,303
All right.
167
00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:22,806
You're lucky. See to it.
168
00:11:24,892 --> 00:11:26,851
(CHUCKLES) Man, that's good.
169
00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:28,645
(GULPlNG)
170
00:11:32,316 --> 00:11:33,400
Boo.
171
00:11:33,484 --> 00:11:34,818
You're on.
172
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:36,736
(LAUGHlNG)
173
00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:39,531
(FANS CLAMORlNG)
174
00:11:39,657 --> 00:11:42,617
Hey, guys, how you doing? Here you go.
One for you. One for you.
175
00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:44,160
-Mr. Campbell? Mr. Campbell?
-Yeah.
176
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:46,830
When you were in Army of Darkness,
when you were stuck down in the pit,
177
00:11:46,914 --> 00:11:48,164
how did you get your shotgun back?
178
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:49,666
Talk to the writer, man, l don't know.
179
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,459
Hey, when you worked with Ellen,
did it turn you gay?
180
00:11:51,502 --> 00:11:53,044
No, but your stupid question did.
181
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:54,671
Why did you do Serving Sara?
182
00:11:54,714 --> 00:12:00,009
Why did l do Serving Sara?
For the money, mouth breather, why else?
183
00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:02,804
For the love of God, what is that stench?
184
00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:07,517
Here, it's called deodorant.
Look it up on your lnternets.
185
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,228
See you, boys. Late for a soirée.
186
00:12:10,312 --> 00:12:12,355
-Hey, Mr. Campbell?
-Yeah.
187
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:14,315
Give me your autograph.
188
00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:19,195
-Got a pen?
-Why, you ain't got no pen?
189
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,784
-What's your name?
-Gerard.
190
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:26,870
Okay.
191
00:12:28,205 --> 00:12:29,539
Here you go, Gerard.
Have a good one, buddy.
192
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,792
Yeah, hey, hey, hey.
That's Gerard with a "G."
193
00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:39,799
Here you go, Gerard.
Have a good one, buddy.
194
00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:45,054
Yeah, hey, Mr. Campbell, come on.
You got a more recent picture than this?
195
00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:46,389
Let me ask you something.
196
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:48,099
-Ever see Rawhide?
-Yeah.
197
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:49,517
-You like it?
-Yeah.
198
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,895
Well, then you know
you gotta keep them doggies rolling.
199
00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:53,271
Hey!
200
00:12:53,355 --> 00:12:54,355
(CARS HONKlNG)
201
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:55,440
Freak.
202
00:12:55,524 --> 00:12:56,858
(CRASHlNG)
203
00:13:18,422 --> 00:13:20,673
(MEN LAUGHlNG)
204
00:13:21,842 --> 00:13:23,134
MAN: Nice rack.
205
00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:26,721
MAN 2: All right!
206
00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:27,764
(WHlSTLlNG)
207
00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:28,890
(GLASS BREAKlNG)
208
00:13:28,974 --> 00:13:30,558
MAN 3: Yeah, baby!
209
00:13:33,312 --> 00:13:36,773
Yo, baby cakes, how about a bourbon
with a loaded revolver back?
210
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:39,359
How about you wait your turn, jerk?
211
00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:45,281
There's more where that came from.
Okay. All right. That's it.
212
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,283
Good girl.
213
00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:53,873
You. You, give me some sugar, baby. You.
214
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:56,376
Okay.
215
00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:57,877
Huh?
216
00:13:58,295 --> 00:14:00,964
-How you doing?
-Good. Good.
217
00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:02,423
-Hey, good news.
-Yeah?
218
00:14:02,466 --> 00:14:04,801
Yeah, l made the trades today.
219
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,427
-Really?
-Yeah, check the obituaries.
220
00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:08,847
You'll find my career there.
221
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:11,474
You know, Bruce, l just talked to the studio.
222
00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:15,353
They saw the dailies for Cave AIien 2.
They said you have never been better.
223
00:14:15,437 --> 00:14:17,897
Yeah, that's because
unlike most action stars,
224
00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:20,984
l can speak... What's the word? English.
225
00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:23,194
-Will that be cash?
-Oh, yeah, that'll be cash, all right.
226
00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:26,114
My friend and agent, Mr. Mills Toddner, here
will take care of that.
227
00:14:26,156 --> 00:14:28,658
That's perfect. You keep the change.
Don't be a stranger.
228
00:14:28,742 --> 00:14:31,494
-Sure, it's a special occasion.
-Yeah, it's a special occasion.
229
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:33,997
lt's the night l fire your polyester ass.
230
00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:37,166
Bruce, l'm sensing a little hostility
coming this way.
231
00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:39,002
Yeah? You think so?
Maybe that's because l've spent
232
00:14:39,086 --> 00:14:43,464
the last six days of my life making a sequel
to one of the crappiest movies ever.
233
00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:45,884
-You make lots of crappy movies.
-Oh, that doesn't help.
234
00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:47,677
Liquor! Liquor, please!
235
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:50,847
Look, the customer reviews
on Amazon were great.
236
00:14:50,931 --> 00:14:53,683
Yeah, the ones you posted.
237
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:57,520
BC, l sense that you wanna unload.
238
00:14:57,563 --> 00:15:01,107
l sense that you have a lot on your mind.
239
00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:03,860
So, l'm here. Give it to me.
240
00:15:05,195 --> 00:15:06,362
lt's just that l think that...
241
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:07,655
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
242
00:15:07,698 --> 00:15:10,033
Excuse me. Gotta take this.
243
00:15:10,284 --> 00:15:14,078
(SPEAKlNG FRENCH)
244
00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:22,712
Go on. l'm sorry.
245
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:28,009
lt's just that l think l'm losing my muse.
Do you know what l mean?
246
00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:32,388
The childlike, innocent quality
that all great artists tap to create.
247
00:15:32,473 --> 00:15:37,226
Now, if an actor's life is like a painting,
then it's a work in progress.
248
00:15:37,269 --> 00:15:41,689
But how can l create my great masterpiece
if my paint is drying up,
249
00:15:41,732 --> 00:15:42,982
my canvas is cracked
250
00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:46,361
and all my brushes
are covered with a fake monster blood?
251
00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:47,737
-lt's Cheryl, isn't it?
-No.
252
00:15:47,821 --> 00:15:49,072
-lt's Cheryl.
-l said no.
253
00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:51,115
-You can't stop thinking about her.
-lf l say no three times,
254
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,450
will the Candyman come out?
255
00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:54,911
You were fired before,
you're twice as fired now.
256
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:58,581
Okay, you'll never know
what l got you for your birthday.
257
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:01,042
My birthday?
258
00:16:02,086 --> 00:16:03,962
You actually remembered my birthday?
259
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:07,215
Compadre, hello. Loco.
260
00:16:07,257 --> 00:16:11,719
l am your agent.
You are my number one client.
261
00:16:12,721 --> 00:16:15,765
-lf this is another Matthew Perry movie...
-Better.
262
00:16:15,849 --> 00:16:17,850
-Give me a hint.
-But you fired me so...
263
00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:20,269
God damn it, Mills! Just tell me.
264
00:16:21,313 --> 00:16:22,438
Okay.
265
00:16:22,481 --> 00:16:27,860
Let's just say this is gonna be the best
birthday present you've ever had.
266
00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:29,112
-Nice.
-You're crazy.
267
00:16:29,196 --> 00:16:30,780
-No, you are.
-We're celebrating.
268
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,532
l love you, man. How about it?
269
00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:33,741
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
270
00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:35,201
Excuse me. l gotta take this. Sorry.
271
00:16:35,285 --> 00:16:36,452
Hello?
272
00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:40,081
(SPEAKlNG GERMAN)
273
00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:42,250
Movie. Movie, movie.
274
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:48,131
(BlRD CAWlNG)
275
00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:56,764
This bean curd's kind of watery and gross.
276
00:16:56,807 --> 00:16:58,808
Well, you did get
the winning goal, didn't you?
277
00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:01,310
-Yeah.
-Finish your bean curd.
278
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:02,979
lt's still gross.
279
00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:11,362
-What was that, Mom?
-l'm not sure, Skippy. You stay here.
280
00:17:34,178 --> 00:17:37,388
Must die!
281
00:17:40,976 --> 00:17:42,810
(EXCLAlMlNG)
282
00:17:48,692 --> 00:17:49,942
Sorry.
283
00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:08,086
BRUCE: l don't know why l'm complaining.
284
00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:10,421
(LAUGHlNG) l'm a lucky guy.
285
00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:12,090
l've got my health.
286
00:18:12,174 --> 00:18:13,216
(HACKlNG)
287
00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:14,342
(SPlTS)
288
00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:16,052
Jesus!
289
00:18:16,136 --> 00:18:18,054
My divorce is final.
290
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,056
Lousy whore.
291
00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:24,393
And l got my loyal fans,
who hated my last movie.
292
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:27,146
Hated my last five movies. Yeah.
293
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:30,858
Me and my wonderful, wonderful fans.
294
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,028
(PANTlNG)
295
00:18:39,159 --> 00:18:40,326
(MUTTERlNG)
296
00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:42,078
(KEYS JlNGLlNG)
297
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:52,088
(DOOR CREAKlNG)
298
00:18:53,257 --> 00:18:54,257
(EXCLAlMlNG)
299
00:18:59,596 --> 00:19:01,472
That was easy.
300
00:19:09,273 --> 00:19:11,357
Hey, buddy.
301
00:19:11,441 --> 00:19:13,568
Hey, little Sam'nRob.
302
00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:15,945
Come here, boy. Come on.
303
00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:17,113
(WHlNlNG)
304
00:19:17,197 --> 00:19:18,906
What's the matter?
305
00:19:19,074 --> 00:19:21,033
(LAUGHlNG)
306
00:19:21,451 --> 00:19:23,828
You thought l forgot about you,
didn't you, huh?
307
00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:26,247
Time for some hooch. Come on!
308
00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:27,957
Hooch for the pooch.
309
00:19:28,041 --> 00:19:29,458
(LAUGHlNG)
310
00:19:32,671 --> 00:19:35,464
There you go. And some for Dad.
311
00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:37,216
(LAUGHlNG)
312
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:41,053
(GROANS)
313
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:44,140
What's on the boob tube?
314
00:19:47,811 --> 00:19:48,936
(TĐťEME MUSlC PLAYlNG)
315
00:19:48,979 --> 00:19:54,525
FEMALE NARRATOR: And now part nine of
an ongoing, exclusive, investigative series.
316
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,611
Oh, who wants to watch that horseshit?
317
00:19:56,653 --> 00:19:58,654
Next, we take a scary look
318
00:19:58,697 --> 00:20:02,575
at the life and times of B-movie horror star
Bruce Campbell.
319
00:20:02,659 --> 00:20:04,493
Hey, l know that guy.
320
00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:07,830
Yeah, that's entertainment. l'll drink to that.
321
00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:11,709
Campbell, best known for his parts
in the horrific Evil Dead films,
322
00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:14,503
appears to have disappeared
from the entertainment scene.
323
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:17,340
What?
324
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:21,052
Tonight, our "Where Are They Now"
reporter, Charlie Payne,
325
00:20:21,136 --> 00:20:22,762
takes an affectionate look back
326
00:20:22,846 --> 00:20:27,516
on a promising career that many feel
was squandered on low-budget trash.
327
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,352
You shut your face.
328
00:20:29,394 --> 00:20:30,645
(GLASS SHATTERlNG)
329
00:20:34,483 --> 00:20:37,193
They're treating me like l'm a has-been!
330
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,908
Like l'm... Like l'm all washed up.
331
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:53,918
They're trying to make me look pathetic.
Yeah, they are. Not me.
332
00:20:55,337 --> 00:20:57,380
Not me!
333
00:20:58,048 --> 00:20:59,924
(BRUCE LAUGHlNG MANlACALLY)
334
00:21:07,224 --> 00:21:08,516
(CHUCKLlNG)
335
00:21:08,558 --> 00:21:10,101
(LAUGHlNG)
336
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:11,352
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
337
00:21:11,395 --> 00:21:12,770
CHERYL: Oh, God.
338
00:21:17,734 --> 00:21:21,195
-Hello?
-(SLURRlNG) Hello, Cheryl. lt's me.
339
00:21:21,697 --> 00:21:22,905
(GROANS)
340
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:28,119
-Bruce, what now?
-Oh, l was just, you know,
341
00:21:28,203 --> 00:21:31,122
celebrating the almost wrap
of my latest movie.
342
00:21:31,206 --> 00:21:34,166
You know, just one more day.
343
00:21:34,251 --> 00:21:36,252
You got into the dog's bowl again,
didn't you?
344
00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:37,336
(DOG BARKlNG)
345
00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:39,171
Shut up, you selfish mutt!
346
00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:40,506
(GROWLlNG)
347
00:21:40,757 --> 00:21:42,591
lt's your birthday, isn't it?
348
00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:46,554
Every year,
it's the same old "poor me" routine.
349
00:21:46,596 --> 00:21:50,433
Oh, come on, can't a guy get bombed
and call his ex-wife at 3:00 in the morning
350
00:21:50,475 --> 00:21:52,768
without it meaning something?
351
00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:55,938
Bruce, l talked to Mills today.
352
00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:58,941
Yeah? What did
old "Ten Percent" have to say?
353
00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:01,277
Oh, just that you were depressed.
354
00:22:01,361 --> 00:22:02,445
(SCOFFS)
355
00:22:02,487 --> 00:22:05,406
So he's planning something special
for your birthday.
356
00:22:05,449 --> 00:22:08,242
Yeah? Did he say what?
357
00:22:08,285 --> 00:22:09,910
No, no. lt's a surprise.
358
00:22:09,953 --> 00:22:14,498
(WHlNlNG) Oh, come on, Cheryl. Tell me.
Tell me, please, please, Cheryl.
359
00:22:14,583 --> 00:22:17,460
-l'm hanging up.
-No, no, no, don't. Don't, baby!
360
00:22:18,378 --> 00:22:19,754
I'm sorry.
361
00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:23,132
How did things get so messed up
between us?
362
00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:24,300
Oh...
363
00:22:24,426 --> 00:22:27,011
You slept with the dog sitter, Bruce.
364
00:22:27,095 --> 00:22:29,180
One lousy mistake.
365
00:22:29,264 --> 00:22:32,350
-All of them.
-Okay, 1 2 lousy mistakes.
366
00:22:32,434 --> 00:22:36,520
But come on, baby. l was confused then.
l'm fine now.
367
00:22:37,314 --> 00:22:39,607
God, l miss you and the kids.
368
00:22:40,817 --> 00:22:42,485
What kids?
369
00:22:42,527 --> 00:22:45,363
The ones we would have had
if you'd just hung on!
370
00:22:45,447 --> 00:22:47,823
You wanna know the truth about us, Bruce?
371
00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:50,826
lt wasn't the cheating, or the boozing,
372
00:22:50,911 --> 00:22:54,246
or even the endless whining
that killed our marriage.
373
00:22:54,331 --> 00:22:55,956
You just couldn't commit,
374
00:22:55,999 --> 00:23:00,336
to your career, to our relationship,
to much of anything.
375
00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:03,964
So, the cheating, boozing
and endless whining were okay?
376
00:23:04,007 --> 00:23:05,299
(CHERYL HANGlNG UP)
377
00:23:05,342 --> 00:23:07,009
(LAUGHlNG)
378
00:23:07,094 --> 00:23:08,177
(EXCLAlMS)
379
00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:12,848
-Who was that, baby?
-Oh, nobody.
380
00:23:13,934 --> 00:23:18,687
Come on, Millsy, introduce me
to big Jim one more time.
381
00:23:18,730 --> 00:23:21,065
l already set up the meeting.
382
00:23:21,149 --> 00:23:22,733
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
383
00:23:24,319 --> 00:23:25,528
Let me make a call.
384
00:23:25,612 --> 00:23:26,987
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
385
00:23:36,915 --> 00:23:40,000
What could you possibly want
at 4:30 in the morning?
386
00:23:40,043 --> 00:23:43,504
-Mr. Campbell, we need your help.
-l need my sleep.
387
00:23:43,547 --> 00:23:46,841
Sir, Gold Lick needs you.
388
00:23:46,883 --> 00:23:49,885
A group of teenagers
unwittingly unleashed Guan-Di,
389
00:23:49,970 --> 00:23:52,888
the Chinese god of war
and protector of the dead.
390
00:23:52,973 --> 00:23:56,058
And unless you help us stop him,
he will kill every one of us.
391
00:23:56,143 --> 00:23:59,520
Okay, settle down.
l'm gonna give you some advice, okay?
392
00:23:59,563 --> 00:24:02,481
Keep it under a-million-and-half,
get one name actor,
393
00:24:02,566 --> 00:24:05,734
and if you go straight to DVD,
you might break even.
394
00:24:05,819 --> 00:24:08,028
-Now, fuck off!
-Mr. Campbell!
395
00:24:08,572 --> 00:24:12,283
(LAUGHlNG) Oh, man, l've heard
some lame pitches in my day,
396
00:24:12,367 --> 00:24:14,201
but that takes the cake.
397
00:24:14,244 --> 00:24:15,744
(BANGlNG ON DOOR)
398
00:24:17,038 --> 00:24:19,248
l said get lost, you little...
399
00:24:23,503 --> 00:24:25,379
Huh. A quarter.
400
00:24:32,471 --> 00:24:34,096
(BOTH SlNGlNG)
401
00:25:23,772 --> 00:25:26,232
(CAR RUNNlNG)
402
00:25:28,193 --> 00:25:29,818
(GROANlNG)
403
00:25:33,073 --> 00:25:34,615
What the hell?
404
00:25:35,659 --> 00:25:38,702
Hey! Hey, let me out of here!
405
00:25:39,162 --> 00:25:41,288
JEFF: Mr. Campbell, are you okay?
406
00:25:41,331 --> 00:25:44,875
-Who... Who are you?
-This is Jeff.
407
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:48,212
Look, l'm sorry about
the whole baseball bat thing.
408
00:25:49,464 --> 00:25:52,132
Look, l left some Twinkies back there.
409
00:25:54,135 --> 00:25:57,012
And there's a flashlight next to the spare.
410
00:25:57,973 --> 00:26:02,268
Oh, l also left an empty bottle back there,
if you need to, you know...
411
00:26:04,187 --> 00:26:07,940
Look, Mr. Campbell,
l know you're probably tired and sore,
412
00:26:08,024 --> 00:26:10,526
and suffering from a concussion,
413
00:26:10,569 --> 00:26:14,113
but is it true you're making a sequel
to Cave Alien?
414
00:26:14,197 --> 00:26:17,116
Oh, my God. He's a fan.
415
00:26:18,702 --> 00:26:20,953
lt finally happened.
416
00:26:21,037 --> 00:26:23,247
Help! Help!
417
00:26:24,708 --> 00:26:28,711
Oh, for God's sake, kid,
at least go easy on the bumps!
418
00:26:28,795 --> 00:26:31,088
l'm sorry, Mr. Campbell, l'll do my best.
419
00:26:31,172 --> 00:26:33,048
(BRUCE GROANlNG)
420
00:26:44,853 --> 00:26:46,186
(LAUGHS)
421
00:26:47,897 --> 00:26:50,816
-Gin.
-Dang it.
422
00:26:50,900 --> 00:26:52,234
That's three in a row, Edna.
423
00:26:52,319 --> 00:26:53,652
(ROARlNG)
424
00:26:53,737 --> 00:26:56,614
-What was that, Hank?
-l don't know.
425
00:26:57,574 --> 00:26:59,575
Sounded like something out by the barn.
426
00:26:59,659 --> 00:27:00,826
(THUNDER CRASHlNG)
427
00:27:00,910 --> 00:27:01,910
(GASPlNG)
428
00:27:06,082 --> 00:27:07,791
(ELECTRlClTY BUZZlNG)
429
00:27:11,713 --> 00:27:13,547
You close that door. You lock it.
430
00:27:13,590 --> 00:27:15,591
But, Hank,
what if you need to come back in?
431
00:27:15,634 --> 00:27:19,637
You just close that door,
and don't open it, no matter what you hear!
432
00:27:28,897 --> 00:27:29,897
(GUN FlRlNG)
433
00:27:29,981 --> 00:27:32,107
(SCREAMlNG) Oh, Lord! Lord!
434
00:27:33,610 --> 00:27:36,820
Open the door! Open the door, Edna!
435
00:27:36,905 --> 00:27:39,615
But, Hank, you said don't open the door!
436
00:27:39,699 --> 00:27:42,117
For Christ's sake, woman,
we've been married for 35 years!
437
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:44,328
Open the goddamn door!
438
00:27:45,955 --> 00:27:47,790
(LAUGHlNG) Got you!
439
00:27:47,874 --> 00:27:50,334
There weren't nothing out there.
l was just funning with you.
440
00:27:50,418 --> 00:27:54,505
You old fool,
l can't believe you got me like that.
441
00:27:54,589 --> 00:27:56,632
You should have seen the look on your face.
442
00:27:56,675 --> 00:27:58,092
(LAUGHlNG)
443
00:28:02,138 --> 00:28:06,517
(SCREAMlNG)
444
00:28:09,437 --> 00:28:11,814
"Hey, Luigi, paint the sign."
445
00:28:11,856 --> 00:28:14,817
l tell you something,
you paint the damn sign.
446
00:28:14,901 --> 00:28:16,568
(SlGHlNG) But l do.
447
00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:23,117
Hmm.
448
00:28:35,672 --> 00:28:37,923
l paint a beauty sign.
449
00:28:44,431 --> 00:28:48,016
(PEOPLE CHEERlNG)
450
00:29:02,615 --> 00:29:04,616
(ALL CHEERlNG)
451
00:29:10,290 --> 00:29:15,544
ALL: Hip-hip hurray! Hip-hip hurray!
Hip-hip hurray!
452
00:29:15,628 --> 00:29:17,963
Welcome to Gold Lick, Mr. Campbell!
453
00:29:18,882 --> 00:29:22,301
-Gold Lick? Where the fuck is Gold Lick?
-Hey, easy, man. That's the mayor.
454
00:29:22,385 --> 00:29:24,720
l don't give a shit
if he's the king of kiss-my-assy.
455
00:29:24,763 --> 00:29:29,391
l just spent the last six hours in a trunk
and l want some answers chop-chop, and l...
456
00:29:36,357 --> 00:29:37,941
Well, hello.
457
00:29:39,861 --> 00:29:41,028
(CHUCKLES)
458
00:29:41,988 --> 00:29:45,908
Consider yourself officially exempt
from my wrath, sweet cakes.
459
00:29:45,950 --> 00:29:49,578
And if you're lucky, a little later,
l'll let you play with my boom stick.
460
00:29:49,621 --> 00:29:51,246
What?
461
00:29:51,289 --> 00:29:56,794
(CHUCKLlNG) Now, l don't imagine you get
moving pictures here in this farthole,
462
00:29:56,878 --> 00:29:58,921
so let me explain something.
463
00:29:58,963 --> 00:30:00,798
What you just did,
464
00:30:00,882 --> 00:30:04,092
you just kidnapped a movie star,
you got that?
465
00:30:04,177 --> 00:30:06,762
So you didn't just
commit a crime against me,
466
00:30:06,846 --> 00:30:09,014
which was pretty freaking huge!
467
00:30:09,098 --> 00:30:12,059
You committed a crime against art itself.
468
00:30:12,101 --> 00:30:16,980
ln fact, l was due back on the set
of my latest motion picture hours ago,
469
00:30:17,065 --> 00:30:18,982
and you can bet your bottom dollar
470
00:30:19,067 --> 00:30:22,194
they're gonna be doing everything they can
to get me back.
471
00:30:23,279 --> 00:30:25,280
What are we waiting for?
472
00:30:26,533 --> 00:30:29,368
A-hole Campbell didn't show up.
On to plan B, my friend.
473
00:30:29,452 --> 00:30:30,577
(BELL RlNGlNG)
474
00:30:30,620 --> 00:30:33,247
Okay, people, big energy. Let's go!
475
00:30:33,289 --> 00:30:34,540
DlRECTOR: Action!
476
00:30:38,044 --> 00:30:39,795
That's good.
477
00:30:40,463 --> 00:30:42,214
(CREATURE ROARlNG)
478
00:30:42,674 --> 00:30:46,593
So as much as l'd love to hang around here
479
00:30:46,636 --> 00:30:49,972
until the FBl rips you grit-eaters
a new one...
480
00:30:50,014 --> 00:30:54,226
Mr. Campbell, l don't understand.
Your agent said you were free.
481
00:30:54,310 --> 00:30:56,353
What does my agent
have to do with any of this?
482
00:30:56,437 --> 00:31:00,649
Well, he just said not to book you
on your birthday, or something like that.
483
00:31:00,733 --> 00:31:02,150
My birthday?
484
00:31:05,738 --> 00:31:07,155
My birthday.
485
00:31:08,783 --> 00:31:10,242
(LAUGHlNG)
486
00:31:10,785 --> 00:31:12,369
My birthday, that's it.
487
00:31:12,453 --> 00:31:14,413
Mills, you magnificent bastard.
488
00:31:14,497 --> 00:31:18,625
When you said there was a surprise in store,
holy moley...
489
00:31:18,668 --> 00:31:20,168
That's a great tie, by the way.
490
00:31:20,211 --> 00:31:21,461
(LAUGHlNG)
491
00:31:21,504 --> 00:31:24,172
l gotta make a phone call. l'll be right back.
492
00:31:24,257 --> 00:31:25,841
Don't do anything quaint until l return.
493
00:31:25,884 --> 00:31:27,092
(BRUCE LAUGHlNG)
494
00:31:27,176 --> 00:31:28,510
(ALL CHATTERlNG)
495
00:31:33,808 --> 00:31:35,392
(DlALlNG)
496
00:31:35,476 --> 00:31:36,560
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
497
00:31:36,644 --> 00:31:39,688
-SECRETARY: Mills Toddner's office.
-Yes, Mills Toddner, please.
498
00:31:39,772 --> 00:31:42,190
-Who's calling?
-Bruce Campbell.
499
00:31:42,275 --> 00:31:44,443
-Who?
-Bruce Campbell.
500
00:31:44,527 --> 00:31:47,404
-He's not here. Voicemail okay?
-Yeah, voicemail is fine.
501
00:31:47,488 --> 00:31:50,782
-MlLLS: (RECORDlNG) Mills, thrill me.
-Mills, listen, Campbell here.
502
00:31:50,867 --> 00:31:52,242
l gotta tell you, pal,
503
00:31:52,327 --> 00:31:53,619
this is, without a doubt,
504
00:31:53,703 --> 00:31:56,121
the most outrageous birthday present
l've ever gotten.
505
00:31:56,205 --> 00:31:57,706
So thanks, man.
506
00:31:57,790 --> 00:32:01,919
You're beautiful, and that whole firing thing,
what are you, crazy? lt's a joke, come on.
507
00:32:02,754 --> 00:32:04,755
(LAUGHlNG)
508
00:32:05,214 --> 00:32:07,758
Now, l know you guys
probably can't break character,
509
00:32:07,842 --> 00:32:09,635
but l gotta tell you,
510
00:32:09,719 --> 00:32:12,804
man, you really had me going.
You really did.
511
00:32:12,889 --> 00:32:15,140
-l don't understand.
-Well, for a minute there,
512
00:32:15,224 --> 00:32:17,392
l thought l was in the sequel
of DeIiverance, you know,
513
00:32:17,435 --> 00:32:19,686
and someone was about to say,
"Squeal like a pig, boy."
514
00:32:19,729 --> 00:32:20,938
(BRUCE LAUGHlNG)
515
00:32:22,565 --> 00:32:25,567
Yes, there's no reason
beating around the bush,
516
00:32:25,610 --> 00:32:28,028
and l realize this is rather unorthodox but...
517
00:32:28,071 --> 00:32:31,448
Say no more, Mr. Mayor.
My hero senses are tingling.
518
00:32:32,116 --> 00:32:33,825
(HUMMlNG)
519
00:32:34,035 --> 00:32:37,079
l sense that the town of Gold Lick
is in trouble.
520
00:32:37,163 --> 00:32:40,415
Huh? Big trouble and you need my help.
521
00:32:40,541 --> 00:32:41,708
Hmm?
522
00:32:41,751 --> 00:32:43,961
Do you? You need my help, Mr. Mayor?
523
00:32:44,045 --> 00:32:45,253
-Yes or no?
-That's exactly right.
524
00:32:45,338 --> 00:32:47,506
How about that?
Put the words right in your mouth, didn't l?
525
00:32:47,590 --> 00:32:50,092
But not just any help, huh?
526
00:32:50,176 --> 00:32:52,427
You need someone special,
527
00:32:52,470 --> 00:32:54,930
someone who can take on
a heinous monster
528
00:32:55,014 --> 00:32:58,767
and stop him in his tracks
and take him to justice.
529
00:32:58,851 --> 00:33:00,435
That would be me. Whoa!
530
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:01,853
(LAUGHlNG)
531
00:33:01,938 --> 00:33:05,107
Mr. Mayor, your worries are over
532
00:33:05,149 --> 00:33:08,860
'cause there's a new sheriff in town
and he's gonna clean up this mess.
533
00:33:08,945 --> 00:33:12,406
Gold Lick, it's a good day. l'm here to help!
534
00:33:12,448 --> 00:33:14,449
Let's hear it for Mr. Bruce Campbell.
535
00:33:14,534 --> 00:33:19,538
ALL: Hip-hip hurray! Hip-hip hurray!
Hip-hip hurray!
536
00:33:19,622 --> 00:33:22,791
Now, it's just another day
in the life of a hero.
537
00:33:23,418 --> 00:33:26,628
Mr. Mayor, tell us what's next.
538
00:33:26,671 --> 00:33:30,257
We'd like to show you
exactly what you're up against.
539
00:33:40,685 --> 00:33:41,935
(FEEDBACK)
540
00:33:42,687 --> 00:33:45,647
(PEOPLE CHATTERlNG)
541
00:33:59,829 --> 00:34:05,250
Leather, red leather, yellow leather,
red, yellow, red leather, yellow leather.
542
00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:08,962
MAN: Ow!
543
00:34:09,005 --> 00:34:11,381
-My foot!
-Pardon me there, Gomer Pyle.
544
00:34:11,466 --> 00:34:13,925
-Jesus!
-Oh, excuse me, Goober.
545
00:34:14,010 --> 00:34:15,177
(LAUGHS)
546
00:34:16,137 --> 00:34:18,388
Boy, this is exciting, huh?
547
00:34:18,473 --> 00:34:21,099
-Think they'll give me the key to the city?
-l doubt it.
548
00:34:21,184 --> 00:34:22,893
How about the key to your place?
549
00:34:22,977 --> 00:34:26,188
l'm sorry, we haven't met. l'm Kelly Graham.
550
00:34:26,230 --> 00:34:29,649
Graham? Well, l'll bet all the boys
go cracker over you.
551
00:34:29,692 --> 00:34:30,734
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
552
00:34:30,818 --> 00:34:33,361
That was funny when l was six.
553
00:34:33,446 --> 00:34:36,031
Well, l was six once.
Hey, we already have something in common.
554
00:34:36,115 --> 00:34:37,240
(CHUCKLES)
555
00:34:37,992 --> 00:34:42,204
Oh, heck. l'm... l'm Bruce. Bruce Campbell.
556
00:34:42,246 --> 00:34:46,124
Yes, l'm well aware of that.
Jeff's been bragging about you for years.
557
00:34:46,209 --> 00:34:47,334
Ah...
558
00:34:47,376 --> 00:34:50,629
-Uber fan's connected to you, huh?
-(CHUCKLlNG) l'm afraid so.
559
00:34:51,297 --> 00:34:54,674
-Younger brother?
-(CHUCKLlNG) Son.
560
00:34:54,717 --> 00:34:58,637
-Young mother.
-lt's a country thing.
561
00:34:58,721 --> 00:35:00,180
Oh, hey, a MlLF is a MlLF.
562
00:35:00,223 --> 00:35:01,473
(LAUGHlNG)
563
00:35:02,725 --> 00:35:04,851
But l don't see a wedding ring.
564
00:35:04,894 --> 00:35:07,145
Are you married or happy, Kelly Graham?
565
00:35:07,230 --> 00:35:10,107
l'm not sure l'm comfortable
answering that.
566
00:35:10,650 --> 00:35:12,567
Mr. Campbell, if you're ready.
567
00:35:12,610 --> 00:35:16,029
Yeah, knock yourself out, chief.
Showtime, huh?
568
00:35:16,072 --> 00:35:18,824
Mr. Treppin, let's start the slide show.
569
00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:26,498
As we all know,
Gold Lick is a mining community.
570
00:35:29,710 --> 00:35:31,253
ln the late 1 850s,
571
00:35:31,295 --> 00:35:35,674
hundreds of Chinese immigrants
came to our shores to help work the claims.
572
00:35:35,758 --> 00:35:37,050
(SNORlNG)
573
00:35:41,180 --> 00:35:43,765
At her height, the Triple-T mine
574
00:35:43,850 --> 00:35:46,768
employed hundreds
of Chinese immigrant laborers.
575
00:35:46,811 --> 00:35:50,105
They worked long hours,
in primitive conditions,
576
00:35:50,148 --> 00:35:52,983
surviving on rice and bean curd.
577
00:35:53,609 --> 00:35:54,609
(BLOWS)
578
00:35:54,735 --> 00:35:55,735
Oh!
579
00:35:56,070 --> 00:35:57,612
(LAUGHlNG)
580
00:36:11,586 --> 00:36:13,795
Then disaster struck.
581
00:36:13,838 --> 00:36:15,046
You want disaster?
582
00:36:15,131 --> 00:36:17,132
Anyone here seen AssauIt on Dome 4?
583
00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:19,301
-That's probably my favorite movie...
-Don't answer that.
584
00:36:19,343 --> 00:36:21,136
A mine shaft cave-in.
585
00:36:21,804 --> 00:36:27,142
Over a hundred Chinese were buried alive
and remain there today.
586
00:36:28,102 --> 00:36:31,479
Gold Lick has never been the same since.
587
00:36:32,857 --> 00:36:35,358
That guy's pretty good.
Did he come from dinner theater?
588
00:36:35,443 --> 00:36:36,860
No, lowa.
589
00:36:38,279 --> 00:36:41,239
You know, they go to all that trouble
to kidnap somebody,
590
00:36:41,324 --> 00:36:44,951
l'd have kidnapped that Jake character
from Evil Dead II.
591
00:36:44,994 --> 00:36:47,412
My money'd bet on that blacksmith
from Army of Darkness.
592
00:36:47,496 --> 00:36:50,165
-Now, that's one stud.
-(CHUCKLlNG) Damn straight.
593
00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:54,920
l wish l could quit you.
594
00:36:55,546 --> 00:36:59,007
Soon after,
rumors began to spread of a curse.
595
00:37:01,093 --> 00:37:04,304
Okay. When did my ex-wife start modeling?
596
00:37:04,347 --> 00:37:06,181
Mom, that's it. That's the thing.
597
00:37:06,224 --> 00:37:09,643
MAYOR: Legend has it that
a Chinese demon was summoned
598
00:37:09,685 --> 00:37:12,979
to protect the spirits
of all those who had died.
599
00:37:13,522 --> 00:37:15,649
(STRANGE MOANlNG)
600
00:37:16,317 --> 00:37:17,359
Mom.
601
00:37:18,653 --> 00:37:20,362
(WOMAN SCREAMlNG)
602
00:37:20,738 --> 00:37:22,739
(ROARlNG)
603
00:37:23,324 --> 00:37:24,866
A warning.
604
00:37:25,451 --> 00:37:28,203
He who would confront Guan-Di,
605
00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:32,832
would also confront death itself.
606
00:37:33,709 --> 00:37:37,045
-Well, hello, Mr. Plaitpoint.
-His name is Wing.
607
00:37:37,088 --> 00:37:41,049
He's one of the last surviving descendents
of the dead laborers.
608
00:37:41,133 --> 00:37:45,095
Guan-Di has been unleashed from his grave.
609
00:37:45,888 --> 00:37:48,765
(MOCKlNG CHlNESE ACCENT)
l'm sorry, was that "unreashed"?
610
00:37:48,849 --> 00:37:50,600
Unleashed, unleashed.
611
00:37:50,685 --> 00:37:53,561
What's the matter?
Don't you speak English?
612
00:37:53,646 --> 00:37:58,358
Guan-Di, great warrior.
Guan-Di, protector of dead,
613
00:37:58,401 --> 00:38:03,238
savior of the innocent and the bean curd.
614
00:38:04,156 --> 00:38:05,865
Bean curd? What...
615
00:38:07,410 --> 00:38:10,078
Bean curd's a popular Chinese dish. You...
616
00:38:10,121 --> 00:38:13,081
You chatter like monkey.
617
00:38:13,124 --> 00:38:15,709
l call you Chattering Monkey.
618
00:38:15,751 --> 00:38:19,754
(CHATTERlNG)
619
00:38:22,383 --> 00:38:24,634
His grave has been disturbed.
620
00:38:25,219 --> 00:38:28,263
And Guan-Di will not stop
until every last relative
621
00:38:28,347 --> 00:38:32,559
of the one who did this
lay rotting in the earth.
622
00:38:32,601 --> 00:38:36,104
Well, hell, what could be so bad about that?
623
00:38:36,188 --> 00:38:38,940
Okay, blood relatives, raise your hand.
624
00:38:40,484 --> 00:38:43,653
Guan-Di knows that you and l
are not related, right?
625
00:38:44,572 --> 00:38:47,282
l shall do an ancient Chinese dance,
626
00:38:47,325 --> 00:38:50,869
which will rid you all
of the curse of Guan-Di.
627
00:38:53,205 --> 00:38:58,793
(SlNGlNG lN MOCK CHlNESE)
628
00:39:00,838 --> 00:39:03,298
Has he been dispelled? No?
629
00:39:03,382 --> 00:39:05,759
Okay, you're all going to die.
630
00:39:05,801 --> 00:39:07,761
But know this,
631
00:39:07,803 --> 00:39:11,765
Guan-Di grows stronger
with every person he kills,
632
00:39:11,807 --> 00:39:16,478
until all of you will die!
633
00:39:18,064 --> 00:39:19,647
(PEOPLE CHATTERlNG)
634
00:39:21,484 --> 00:39:23,943
Will die!
635
00:39:27,907 --> 00:39:29,491
(ALL CHATTERlNG)
636
00:39:30,368 --> 00:39:31,910
He's gone!
637
00:39:33,496 --> 00:39:35,997
No, no. Actually, he's... He's right...
638
00:39:37,666 --> 00:39:41,711
Well, folks, it looks like
the presentation is over.
639
00:39:41,796 --> 00:39:46,758
Just be careful on your way home,
and look out for your neighbors.
640
00:39:48,677 --> 00:39:50,553
Boy, that was exciting.
641
00:39:53,349 --> 00:39:57,268
As you can see, Mr. Campbell,
the future of Gold Lick rests in your hands.
642
00:39:57,353 --> 00:39:59,187
We sure appreciate you being here.
643
00:39:59,230 --> 00:40:01,940
We were thinking you might want
to freshen up and get a bite to eat
644
00:40:02,024 --> 00:40:03,441
before you lead us into battle.
645
00:40:03,526 --> 00:40:05,318
Mr. Mayor, that's a good idea.
646
00:40:05,361 --> 00:40:09,072
'Cause l always freshen up
before l go into battle and kill monsters.
647
00:40:09,156 --> 00:40:13,201
-You don't want to leave a bad impression.
-Lordy, you're good people.
648
00:40:13,953 --> 00:40:15,412
(WHlSPERlNG)
649
00:40:16,205 --> 00:40:19,207
You're welcome to wash up at my tavern.
650
00:40:19,250 --> 00:40:22,585
Well, that's good 'cause,
as you can see, l'm a dirty little boy.
651
00:40:22,670 --> 00:40:25,463
Oh, oh, yeah,
and l've got a nice little place upstairs.
652
00:40:25,548 --> 00:40:28,133
You can wait there until dinner
and no one will hassle you or anything.
653
00:40:28,217 --> 00:40:31,052
Well, Jeff, if you insist.
654
00:41:20,769 --> 00:41:23,480
l'd say the only thing missing
is the stool sample.
655
00:41:23,564 --> 00:41:27,025
-Yeah, l guess l am kind of a fan.
-Yeah, do you think?
656
00:41:30,404 --> 00:41:33,740
-That's not familiar.
-Hey, hey. That's personal.
657
00:41:33,782 --> 00:41:37,577
Look, Mr. Campbell,
l fixed you up a room back here.
658
00:41:37,620 --> 00:41:41,080
l gave you some fresh towels
and clothes and...
659
00:41:41,123 --> 00:41:44,083
Look, l know this is
a big imposition for you so
660
00:41:44,126 --> 00:41:47,921
whatever l can do to make feel you at home,
just let me know, okay?
661
00:41:50,132 --> 00:41:54,636
First of all, kid, Mr. Campbell makes soup.
My name is Bruce.
662
00:41:54,720 --> 00:41:56,471
Secondly, you wanna get on my good side,
663
00:41:56,555 --> 00:41:59,641
you'll dig up a bar of soap
and a bottle of Jack,
664
00:41:59,725 --> 00:42:01,059
and not in that order.
665
00:42:01,143 --> 00:42:02,727
(TOlLET FLUSHlNG)
666
00:42:03,395 --> 00:42:06,314
Nothing like a shower
to wash the blues away.
667
00:42:10,319 --> 00:42:13,655
Jeff, where the heck
did you find this EviI Dead shampoo?
668
00:42:14,782 --> 00:42:16,824
Bruce, that's drain cleaner.
669
00:42:16,909 --> 00:42:18,159
Oh...
670
00:42:18,202 --> 00:42:21,287
Maybe that would explain
the burning sensation.
671
00:42:22,331 --> 00:42:23,456
(CHUCKLES)
672
00:42:23,832 --> 00:42:25,083
What?
673
00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:29,462
Well, it's just that
you're going up against Guan-Di tonight
674
00:42:29,505 --> 00:42:32,006
and you're not even scared.
675
00:42:32,091 --> 00:42:34,884
(CHUCKLES) You don't know fear, kid.
You never worked with Sam Raimi.
676
00:42:34,969 --> 00:42:39,305
You know, compared to most hell spawn,
this Guan-Di cat's no biggie-mo.
677
00:42:39,348 --> 00:42:40,890
-Really?
-Nah.
678
00:42:40,975 --> 00:42:42,684
You know, in the hero business,
679
00:42:42,726 --> 00:42:44,852
you only really
have to remember two things.
680
00:42:44,979 --> 00:42:48,022
One, most monsters
are just a guy in a rubber suit.
681
00:42:48,065 --> 00:42:51,150
Two, you can't fight a guy in a rubber suit
on an empty stomach.
682
00:42:51,193 --> 00:42:54,362
So this particular hero
needs some food and some drink.
683
00:42:56,407 --> 00:43:00,326
(PLAYlNG COUNTRY MUSlC)
684
00:43:06,667 --> 00:43:08,585
MAN: There's Bruce Campbell.
685
00:43:08,669 --> 00:43:10,920
(ALL CHEERlNG)
686
00:43:18,637 --> 00:43:19,887
(LAUGHlNG)
687
00:43:19,972 --> 00:43:23,308
-Pick your poison, Mr. Campbell.
-Oh, l hardly ever touch the stuff.
688
00:43:23,392 --> 00:43:25,018
-lt's on the house.
-Well, in that case,
689
00:43:25,060 --> 00:43:27,812
l'll take a slow screw against the wall
and make it a double.
690
00:43:27,896 --> 00:43:29,606
Maybe this is all a big joke to you,
691
00:43:29,690 --> 00:43:31,232
but Jeff's talked the whole town
into thinking
692
00:43:31,317 --> 00:43:33,359
you're gonna save us from this Guan-Di.
693
00:43:33,402 --> 00:43:34,652
Yeah, and?
694
00:43:34,737 --> 00:43:37,405
And as far as l can tell,
you're pretty much full of shit.
695
00:43:37,489 --> 00:43:39,449
Sounds to me like
you're wandering from the script, sister.
696
00:43:39,533 --> 00:43:41,826
Didn't you read the fine print?
Never piss off the hero.
697
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:43,911
Hey, hey, Kelly's been known
to speak her mind.
698
00:43:43,996 --> 00:43:47,582
Sounds to me like she needs to be recast.
She adlibs too much.
699
00:43:47,666 --> 00:43:49,917
Walk with me, Mr. Campbell.
Walk, walk with me.
700
00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:52,378
You know, if l wanted to take shit
from a bunch of bogus actors,
701
00:43:52,421 --> 00:43:54,088
l'd go back to LA.
702
00:43:54,173 --> 00:43:57,258
-Get that out of my face.
-Sure, sure, l understand, Mr. Campbell.
703
00:43:57,343 --> 00:43:59,177
But you see,
Kelly's been through a rough patch.
704
00:43:59,261 --> 00:44:02,263
Her whining, cheating, boozing husband
left her and Jeff in the lurch,
705
00:44:02,306 --> 00:44:04,057
and she just hasn't been herself lately.
706
00:44:04,099 --> 00:44:05,099
Go ahead and have a seat.
707
00:44:06,101 --> 00:44:09,103
We're gonna treat you so many ways,
you're bound to like one.
708
00:44:09,146 --> 00:44:10,897
And we appreciate you being here.
709
00:44:10,939 --> 00:44:13,399
Yeah, you could have spelled
my name right.
710
00:44:19,448 --> 00:44:22,575
Hey, Kelly, like it or not,
that man is our salvation.
711
00:44:22,618 --> 00:44:24,744
Good gravy, you've got to play ball.
712
00:44:24,787 --> 00:44:27,246
He's talking like he's crazy,
like none of this is real.
713
00:44:27,289 --> 00:44:30,833
You know, great warriors are often
on a different plane than you and l.
714
00:44:30,918 --> 00:44:32,502
Service, please.
715
00:44:35,214 --> 00:44:37,423
Eccentricity is often the brother
to greatness.
716
00:44:37,466 --> 00:44:40,093
And obnoxiousness is often the brother
of a black eye.
717
00:44:40,135 --> 00:44:42,470
Oh, l admit, he is bit of an odd duck,
718
00:44:42,554 --> 00:44:46,140
but hopefully, he'll be gone lickety-split
and we can get back to our normal life.
719
00:44:46,183 --> 00:44:47,558
l just hope you're right.
720
00:44:47,643 --> 00:44:49,936
Could it possibly get worse?
721
00:44:49,978 --> 00:44:51,813
May l have another sarsaparilla?
722
00:44:55,526 --> 00:44:57,026
(GUAN-Dl MOANlNG)
723
00:45:07,329 --> 00:45:09,122
(COUNTRY MUSlC
PLAYlNG ON RADlO)
724
00:45:09,581 --> 00:45:10,998
(HONKlNG)
725
00:45:12,668 --> 00:45:15,044
Ding, ding. Can you fill her up, buddy?
726
00:45:20,801 --> 00:45:23,344
Oh, for crying out loud.
727
00:45:26,306 --> 00:45:28,850
Hey, sometime today would be great.
728
00:45:34,148 --> 00:45:36,399
Hey, you old ball sack,
l've been honking for you.
729
00:45:36,483 --> 00:45:38,067
l want some gas.
730
00:45:44,158 --> 00:45:45,867
Oh, l got you.
731
00:45:45,951 --> 00:45:49,036
You're still upset
about your little sister, Wanda.
732
00:45:49,079 --> 00:45:53,666
Well, truth is, it was late, she was lonely,
733
00:45:53,709 --> 00:45:55,960
and l was using my wrong head.
734
00:45:57,045 --> 00:45:59,213
(SCREAMlNG)
735
00:46:04,178 --> 00:46:05,553
Jesus Christ.
736
00:46:06,597 --> 00:46:08,097
Please!
737
00:46:13,061 --> 00:46:15,646
(BAND PLAYlNG COUNTRY MUSlC)
738
00:46:18,358 --> 00:46:19,567
(SlGHS)
739
00:46:19,610 --> 00:46:20,860
(LAUGHlNG)
740
00:46:21,653 --> 00:46:23,571
Can't a guy get something to eat
around here?
741
00:46:23,655 --> 00:46:25,031
(LAUGHS)
742
00:46:28,869 --> 00:46:30,787
Time for some dancing.
743
00:46:35,626 --> 00:46:36,751
(CLEARS THROAT)
744
00:46:37,586 --> 00:46:40,338
Ma'am, may l have this dance?
745
00:46:40,422 --> 00:46:42,882
-Do you believe in reincarnation?
-Why?
746
00:46:42,925 --> 00:46:45,301
Because it's not gonna happen
in this lifetime.
747
00:46:45,385 --> 00:46:48,846
Well, there's a cold wind blowing
in Gold Lick tonight.
748
00:46:48,931 --> 00:46:49,931
(CLEARS THROAT)
749
00:46:51,350 --> 00:46:54,894
(STAMMERlNG) What's the matter?
Can't you take a joke, Mr. Actor Boy?
750
00:46:56,396 --> 00:46:58,815
l'd love to dance with you.
751
00:46:59,942 --> 00:47:02,902
-Do you really mean that?
-Like my life depended on it.
752
00:47:12,704 --> 00:47:14,914
Now, l've gotta warn you,
l'm not a very good dancer.
753
00:47:14,957 --> 00:47:17,542
Oh, l'll bet all you country girls
say the same thing.
754
00:47:17,626 --> 00:47:19,752
Come on, show me some stuff.
755
00:47:20,796 --> 00:47:22,046
(LAUGHlNG)
756
00:47:22,506 --> 00:47:23,798
Hey!
757
00:47:23,882 --> 00:47:25,007
Whoa!
758
00:47:25,133 --> 00:47:26,342
(SCREAMlNG)
759
00:47:26,927 --> 00:47:28,177
MAN: Hey!
760
00:47:33,475 --> 00:47:36,519
Why, you weren't kidding. You really suck.
761
00:47:36,603 --> 00:47:38,771
Oh, well, let's see how the city boy fares.
762
00:47:38,814 --> 00:47:41,566
All right. Yeah. Round we go!
763
00:47:43,193 --> 00:47:45,444
Watch us go!
764
00:47:49,408 --> 00:47:51,117
You all right, honey?
765
00:47:51,159 --> 00:47:53,995
l've heard of break dancing,
but this is ridiculous.
766
00:47:54,079 --> 00:47:56,205
Oh, l hope you're a better actor
than you are a dancer.
767
00:47:56,290 --> 00:47:58,040
Obviously, l have no idea what l'm doing.
768
00:47:58,125 --> 00:48:01,502
-Maybe we should try something together.
-You better lead.
769
00:48:04,172 --> 00:48:06,966
BRUCE: Okay, now we're getting somewhere.
770
00:48:07,009 --> 00:48:09,302
Hey, everybody, we're dancing!
771
00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:15,057
(COUGHlNG)
772
00:48:15,851 --> 00:48:18,853
Hey, lady, 1 0 cents a ride, no exceptions.
773
00:48:20,230 --> 00:48:21,856
-Hey, what was that?
-Nothing.
774
00:48:21,940 --> 00:48:25,484
Oh, no. Corners of your mouth
turned up at the edges.
775
00:48:25,527 --> 00:48:27,653
There's an old lndian saying
for that phenomena.
776
00:48:27,696 --> 00:48:29,572
(lMlTATlNG lNDlAN LANGUAGE)
777
00:48:29,865 --> 00:48:34,410
That's Cherokee for "She who smiles at one
she no longer continues to hate."
778
00:48:34,494 --> 00:48:36,454
Oh, shut up and dance.
779
00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:46,505
Well, l don't know about you,
but l could use some fresh air.
780
00:48:46,548 --> 00:48:49,759
-Oh, me, too, and just fresh air.
-Of course.
781
00:48:51,261 --> 00:48:55,097
Even after everything that's happened,
God, l love this place.
782
00:48:55,182 --> 00:48:58,726
Yeah, l grew up in a town just like it.
Little Place in Michigan.
783
00:48:58,810 --> 00:49:00,478
-Ever hear of it?
-Michigan?
784
00:49:00,562 --> 00:49:04,106
-No, Little Place, it's just north of Flint.
-(CHUCKLlNG) Oh, sounds nice.
785
00:49:04,191 --> 00:49:06,525
l made my first movie there
when l was still in high school.
786
00:49:06,568 --> 00:49:07,693
Really?
787
00:49:07,736 --> 00:49:10,029
Oh, we were young and naive,
788
00:49:10,072 --> 00:49:13,908
and we wanted to make a movie
that represented our hopes and dreams.
789
00:49:13,992 --> 00:49:17,078
-What was it called?
-Blade of the Skull Ripper.
790
00:49:17,120 --> 00:49:20,831
-That's when l got the acting bug.
-Oh, you've come a long way since then.
791
00:49:20,916 --> 00:49:22,875
You haven't seen much of my recent stuff,
l guess.
792
00:49:22,918 --> 00:49:25,753
Well, believe it or not,
Jeff has shown me a couple.
793
00:49:25,837 --> 00:49:29,423
l don't know about the plots,
but you're usually pretty good in them.
794
00:49:29,466 --> 00:49:33,427
-You really mean that?
-l wouldn't say it if l didn't.
795
00:49:33,512 --> 00:49:36,180
Well, you're just full of surprises,
aren't you, Kelly Graham?
796
00:49:36,264 --> 00:49:38,265
Well, here's one for you.
797
00:49:39,518 --> 00:49:44,522
l actually think l'm a little shy.
That's why l come on so strong.
798
00:49:44,606 --> 00:49:47,400
Oh, hey, l came on kind of strong myself.
799
00:49:49,444 --> 00:49:51,654
lt's not easy for me to...
800
00:49:52,155 --> 00:49:53,364
Yes?
801
00:49:54,992 --> 00:49:57,910
...express my true feelings.
802
00:50:01,289 --> 00:50:03,416
You want to move that hand?
803
00:50:05,752 --> 00:50:06,836
(CHUCKLES)
804
00:50:07,879 --> 00:50:12,633
-Yeah, sorry about that.
-Yeah, well, l'll let it slide, this time.
805
00:50:17,848 --> 00:50:19,181
(MAYOR COUGHlNG)
806
00:50:19,808 --> 00:50:21,392
Mr. Campbell.
807
00:50:21,476 --> 00:50:24,770
Sure, Mr. Mayor, of course.
Just give me five minutes.
808
00:50:24,813 --> 00:50:25,855
lt's time.
809
00:50:25,939 --> 00:50:28,649
For the love of God,
l can smell her ChapStick!
810
00:50:31,486 --> 00:50:34,113
l'm so gonna take a rain check.
811
00:50:34,156 --> 00:50:35,906
All right, come on.
812
00:50:41,872 --> 00:50:44,832
All right, small-town America,
show me what you got.
813
00:50:44,875 --> 00:50:47,918
Well, no matter which way you wanna go,
Mr. Campbell,
814
00:50:48,003 --> 00:50:50,421
-l think we got you covered.
-All right.
815
00:50:50,505 --> 00:50:53,674
You might want to slip
this little Beretta .22 in your pocket.
816
00:50:53,717 --> 00:50:57,011
lt's for that close range,
last-minute desperation stuff.
817
00:50:57,054 --> 00:50:58,971
-What's your name?
-Frank.
818
00:50:59,014 --> 00:51:01,390
Frank, nice gun, for a girl.
819
00:51:01,475 --> 00:51:04,310
-You want to step it up a bit, do you?
-Hello.
820
00:51:05,854 --> 00:51:09,190
This .45 long-slide "Widow Maker."
821
00:51:09,858 --> 00:51:11,859
l think it'll be just right for you.
822
00:51:11,902 --> 00:51:13,861
Close, Frank, but no cigar.
823
00:51:13,904 --> 00:51:16,697
-Well, if it's accuracy you want...
-Duh.
824
00:51:18,033 --> 00:51:20,159
That's a Marlin 336.
825
00:51:20,202 --> 00:51:23,537
Shoot a pig's eye out from 1 ,000 yards.
826
00:51:23,622 --> 00:51:25,581
And who wouldn't wanna do that?
827
00:51:25,665 --> 00:51:27,666
Frank, you're holding out on me. Come on.
828
00:51:27,709 --> 00:51:30,544
Well, then again, if you're taking out
the Chinese god of war...
829
00:51:30,629 --> 00:51:32,379
And we are.
830
00:51:32,464 --> 00:51:36,717
...wrap your hands around this
Parker 1 2-gauge, double-barrel beauty.
831
00:51:36,843 --> 00:51:38,177
(PEOPLE SCREAMlNG)
832
00:51:39,471 --> 00:51:42,098
That's for people that don't call 91 1 .
833
00:51:42,182 --> 00:51:43,557
(LAUGHlNG)
834
00:51:43,600 --> 00:51:46,227
l think we get the idea, Frank,
and thanks for that,
835
00:51:46,311 --> 00:51:49,563
but l'd be willing to wager that Mr. Campbell
is more than capable of telling us
836
00:51:49,606 --> 00:51:52,399
which weapons should be used
under the circumstances.
837
00:51:52,442 --> 00:51:55,945
-Of course. l'm sorry, Mr. Campbell.
-That's okay.
838
00:51:56,029 --> 00:51:58,989
Go ahead, Mr. Campbell,
tell us exactly what we need.
839
00:51:59,074 --> 00:52:04,954
Well, l... Don't you think Frank really
said it all with the guns and everything? l...
840
00:52:05,038 --> 00:52:08,124
Of course, for personal protection,
you may have never heard of this gun,
841
00:52:08,208 --> 00:52:14,046
(MUMBLlNG) but l always
use a...permanent press.
842
00:52:14,756 --> 00:52:17,091
But l can see that you
obviously don't have that gun here,
843
00:52:17,134 --> 00:52:21,595
so l'll just have to limp along
with this .31 long-bow.
844
00:52:21,680 --> 00:52:22,972
.45 long-slide.
845
00:52:23,056 --> 00:52:27,101
Long-slide, like l said.
So, come on, Gold Lick, get your guns.
846
00:52:27,185 --> 00:52:29,436
MAN: Give me a big one.
FRANK: Take it easy.
847
00:52:29,479 --> 00:52:30,980
One at a time.
848
00:52:31,064 --> 00:52:33,732
-Bruce, can l show you something?
-Sure.
849
00:52:33,775 --> 00:52:36,402
We got you covered. All right, look at us.
850
00:52:36,444 --> 00:52:38,028
My goodness me.
851
00:52:38,989 --> 00:52:43,742
-Now we can slide off to San Francisco.
-And l'm riding shotgun.
852
00:52:46,621 --> 00:52:49,123
l thought you might wanna use this.
853
00:52:53,628 --> 00:52:55,588
l had it made special.
854
00:52:55,964 --> 00:52:59,884
Briggs & Stratton two-stroke, half-inch claw.
855
00:52:59,968 --> 00:53:03,846
-What do you think?
-Wow, it's really something.
856
00:53:05,473 --> 00:53:07,057
You know, Jeff,
857
00:53:07,726 --> 00:53:11,020
l've gotten a lot of use
out of chainsaws over the years,
858
00:53:11,104 --> 00:53:15,149
killed a lot of zombies, saved a lot of lives.
859
00:53:16,318 --> 00:53:19,737
But at the end of the day,
when push comes to shove,
860
00:53:19,821 --> 00:53:21,405
they're just too damn heavy.
861
00:53:21,489 --> 00:53:24,909
So thanks just the same, kid.
See you out there.
862
00:53:27,204 --> 00:53:30,039
-Yeah.
-Don't be late.
863
00:53:31,041 --> 00:53:32,124
(DOOR CLOSES)
864
00:53:33,668 --> 00:53:34,668
(CAR STARTlNG)
865
00:53:34,836 --> 00:53:36,086
(PEOPLE CHEERlNG)
866
00:53:36,504 --> 00:53:38,005
BRUCE: All right.
867
00:53:38,089 --> 00:53:39,673
-You guys ready for some violence?
-MAN: Yeah!
868
00:53:39,716 --> 00:53:41,675
That's right. All right.
869
00:53:41,718 --> 00:53:42,968
(CAR HONKlNG)
870
00:53:43,178 --> 00:53:45,763
-Sure you're ready for this, Bruce?
-Kid, l made a movie in Bulgaria.
871
00:53:45,847 --> 00:53:49,683
l'm ready for anything.
Put yourself on ice, sugar lips,
872
00:53:49,726 --> 00:53:51,518
because when l come back,
l'm gonna lay claim
873
00:53:51,603 --> 00:53:53,979
to the prettiest pair of green eyes
l've ever seen.
874
00:53:54,022 --> 00:53:55,731
MAN: Let's do this thing!
875
00:53:55,815 --> 00:53:57,274
Be careful.
876
00:53:58,109 --> 00:54:00,319
And my eyes are brown!
877
00:54:00,362 --> 00:54:01,695
Dumb shit.
878
00:54:10,580 --> 00:54:12,581
BRUCE: All right, folks, listen up.
879
00:54:12,666 --> 00:54:14,833
lt could get ugly out there tonight.
880
00:54:14,876 --> 00:54:16,627
Real ugly.
881
00:54:16,711 --> 00:54:20,214
So if something happens
and you don't think you're gonna make it,
882
00:54:20,257 --> 00:54:21,674
just remember this,
883
00:54:21,716 --> 00:54:23,842
even though
you don't have medical insurance,
884
00:54:23,885 --> 00:54:26,053
emergency rooms
are mandated by federal law
885
00:54:26,137 --> 00:54:27,680
to treat critically-injured patients.
886
00:54:27,722 --> 00:54:31,141
So, technically,
you got nothing to worry about.
887
00:54:31,226 --> 00:54:33,352
Aside from that,
Bruce Campbell's got your back.
888
00:54:33,395 --> 00:54:34,895
-ALL: All right!
-Yeah!
889
00:54:34,938 --> 00:54:38,399
Now, come on, Gold Lick,
let's kick some Guan-Di butt!
890
00:54:38,566 --> 00:54:40,901
(ALL CHEERlNG)
891
00:54:45,365 --> 00:54:48,575
(ON RADlO) Oh, yeah. This is Henderson.
l'm crossing Old Stage Road.
892
00:54:48,660 --> 00:54:50,286
No sign of the demon, over.
893
00:54:50,370 --> 00:54:52,788
BRUCE: Oh, my God, Henderson,
he's right behind you.
894
00:54:52,872 --> 00:54:53,914
(HENDERSON EXCLAlMlNG)
895
00:54:53,957 --> 00:54:55,040
Oh, Jesus!
896
00:54:55,083 --> 00:54:56,083
(BRUCE LAUGHlNG)
897
00:54:56,209 --> 00:54:58,752
-Just kidding, chief!
-That ain't funny.
898
00:54:59,129 --> 00:55:01,213
(ROARlNG)
899
00:55:02,048 --> 00:55:03,424
(PEOPLE CHATTERlNG)
900
00:55:03,675 --> 00:55:06,510
BRUCE: Jeff, after this is over,
l gotta meet your sound guy.
901
00:55:06,594 --> 00:55:07,928
JEFF: We don't have a sound guy.
902
00:55:07,971 --> 00:55:10,014
All right, we're gonna try
and smoke him out.
903
00:55:10,098 --> 00:55:12,808
-HENDERSON: He's got a sword, over!
-Stay your course, Chicken Little.
904
00:55:12,892 --> 00:55:14,476
Oh, he's a big sucker!
905
00:55:14,561 --> 00:55:16,603
Well, what do you expect?
He's the Chinese god of war.
906
00:55:16,688 --> 00:55:20,024
Oh, no, he's spotted me.
He's coming to fight!
907
00:55:20,108 --> 00:55:21,817
No! No!
908
00:55:21,901 --> 00:55:23,277
(SCREAMlNG)
909
00:55:23,361 --> 00:55:25,321
Give it a rest, Shatner.
910
00:55:29,326 --> 00:55:31,118
(THUNDER CRASHlNG)
911
00:55:33,455 --> 00:55:35,956
Bruce, do something!
912
00:55:37,625 --> 00:55:39,209
(GROWLlNG)
913
00:55:39,502 --> 00:55:42,004
-What the fuck is that?
-lt's Guan-Di!
914
00:55:42,088 --> 00:55:45,883
-You mean the son-of-a-bitch is real?
-Shouldn't we shoot it?
915
00:55:49,012 --> 00:55:52,473
No! No! No!
916
00:55:52,515 --> 00:55:54,266
Retreat!
917
00:55:54,309 --> 00:55:55,809
(SCREAMlNG)
918
00:55:55,894 --> 00:55:57,186
(ALL SCREAMlNG)
919
00:55:57,354 --> 00:56:01,523
-JEFF: Bruce, where are you going?
-Shoot it! Shoot it!
920
00:56:01,608 --> 00:56:05,819
(GUN FlRlNG)
921
00:56:06,154 --> 00:56:07,654
(SCREAMlNG)
922
00:56:08,698 --> 00:56:13,452
Daddy?
923
00:56:13,953 --> 00:56:14,995
(GUN FlRlNG)
924
00:56:15,038 --> 00:56:18,499
MAN: My ear.
MAYOR: Stop shooting! Stop shooting!
925
00:56:23,671 --> 00:56:25,339
GUAN-Dl: Must die!
926
00:56:27,342 --> 00:56:29,134
BRUCE: Keys! Keys!
Come on, it's the country.
927
00:56:29,177 --> 00:56:31,345
Don't you keep your
fucking keys in your trucks?
928
00:56:31,471 --> 00:56:33,347
(GUAN-Dl ROARlNG)
929
00:56:36,476 --> 00:56:37,559
All right.
930
00:56:39,521 --> 00:56:41,980
Coil wire to the ignition.
931
00:56:42,607 --> 00:56:44,691
What could possibly go wrong?
932
00:56:44,734 --> 00:56:46,527
(GROANlNG)
933
00:56:47,695 --> 00:56:49,363
Oh, man!
934
00:56:49,406 --> 00:56:51,073
That always worked in the movies.
935
00:56:51,199 --> 00:56:52,449
(BELL DlNGlNG)
936
00:57:00,708 --> 00:57:02,584
Hey! Hey! Hey!
937
00:57:02,669 --> 00:57:04,044
Thank you.
938
00:57:05,004 --> 00:57:08,882
Give me back my bike, you old prick!
And McHaIe's Navy sucked.
939
00:57:14,931 --> 00:57:16,056
(CAR HONKlNG)
940
00:57:16,141 --> 00:57:17,391
(EXCLAlMlNG)
941
00:57:22,897 --> 00:57:25,274
Young man, are you all right?
942
00:57:26,067 --> 00:57:29,278
Lady, you gotta give me
a ride out of here right now.
943
00:57:29,362 --> 00:57:33,073
-l'm sorry, but there's no room.
-Oh, yeah, there is.
944
00:57:33,116 --> 00:57:37,411
Oh, yeah. Get out of there.
Get out of there! Get out of here!
945
00:57:45,503 --> 00:57:48,297
Oh, my kitty! My kitty cat!
946
00:57:48,590 --> 00:57:49,923
(CAT SQUEALlNG)
947
00:57:51,176 --> 00:57:52,926
Oh, you horrible man!
948
00:57:52,969 --> 00:57:55,554
And you were the worst thing
about Moontrap!
949
00:57:57,557 --> 00:58:01,310
"Yeah. Come to Gold Lick.
Help us fight a monster."
950
00:58:01,394 --> 00:58:03,854
What the hell were they thinking?
951
00:58:04,230 --> 00:58:07,191
Now the supernatural son-of-a-bitch
is after me.
952
00:58:07,275 --> 00:58:10,360
Oh, man. l gotta blow this pop stand fast.
953
00:58:10,445 --> 00:58:11,612
(ENGlNE FALTERlNG)
954
00:58:11,779 --> 00:58:12,946
Oh!
955
00:58:14,073 --> 00:58:17,618
l'm so screwed!
Oh, that cheapskate old lady.
956
00:58:23,041 --> 00:58:24,666
Hey, guys.
957
00:58:26,878 --> 00:58:28,462
l need a car, pronto!
958
00:58:28,505 --> 00:58:31,798
Hey, ain't you that demon-fighting
son-of-a-bitch?
959
00:58:31,925 --> 00:58:33,300
Yeah, l am.
960
00:58:33,343 --> 00:58:35,844
l came back 'cause l needed
some garbage bags
961
00:58:35,929 --> 00:58:37,638
and shovels 'cause we killed...
962
00:58:37,722 --> 00:58:40,682
Hold that thought, guys. Nice talking to you.
963
00:58:42,143 --> 00:58:45,562
Suckers! You won't have me
to kick around anymore.
964
00:58:45,647 --> 00:58:50,317
You can take this little crappy-ass town
and shove it right up...
965
00:58:50,360 --> 00:58:52,444
Hey, hey. What...
966
00:58:56,658 --> 00:58:58,283
-Bruce.
-Yeah?
967
00:58:58,326 --> 00:58:59,826
-Where's Jeff?
-Jeff...
968
00:58:59,869 --> 00:59:01,620
What, you just left him out there?
969
00:59:01,663 --> 00:59:03,747
Well, that depends on what the definition
of "out there" is.
970
00:59:03,831 --> 00:59:07,167
And you know, lady, you never told me
that this monster was real!
971
00:59:07,210 --> 00:59:08,585
Shoe lace.
972
00:59:10,797 --> 00:59:13,173
MAN: There he is!
MAN 2: Stop that truck!
973
00:59:14,717 --> 00:59:16,510
(ALL CLAMORlNG)
974
00:59:19,514 --> 00:59:20,847
Mom!
975
00:59:22,767 --> 00:59:24,309
Where's Bruce?
976
00:59:25,436 --> 00:59:27,229
MAN: Stop that truck!
977
00:59:39,701 --> 00:59:41,702
MAN: He's just a damn coward.
978
00:59:45,540 --> 00:59:48,750
l've been here five years, nobody die.
979
00:59:48,835 --> 00:59:50,877
Now, everybody die.
980
00:59:58,052 --> 01:00:01,888
Nobody else better die.
You're gonna have to answer to Luigi.
981
01:00:01,973 --> 01:00:03,223
(BlRD CAWlNG)
982
01:00:03,266 --> 01:00:04,933
Oh, shit.
983
01:00:05,018 --> 01:00:08,270
There's some crazy shit
going down in this town.
984
01:00:09,355 --> 01:00:11,064
(THUNDER CRASHlNG)
985
01:00:14,527 --> 01:00:16,695
What are you gonna do with that?
986
01:00:18,156 --> 01:00:20,490
(GROANlNG)
987
01:00:26,080 --> 01:00:27,080
Huh?
988
01:00:42,472 --> 01:00:44,139
(BOTH SlNGlNG)
989
01:01:21,803 --> 01:01:22,969
(GROWLlNG)
990
01:01:24,555 --> 01:01:26,932
Cute little Sam'nRob.
991
01:01:27,183 --> 01:01:28,350
(CHUCKLlNG)
992
01:01:28,518 --> 01:01:31,561
At least l still have you. Come here, boy.
993
01:01:31,646 --> 01:01:32,646
Come on.
994
01:01:32,689 --> 01:01:33,855
(WHlSTLlNG)
995
01:01:34,232 --> 01:01:36,024
You son-of-a-bitch!
996
01:01:39,028 --> 01:01:41,321
Maybe l'll feel better after breakfast.
997
01:01:41,364 --> 01:01:44,324
lt's the most important meal of the day.
998
01:01:44,367 --> 01:01:47,160
(ON ANSWERlNG MACHlNE) This is
Bruce Campbell, actor eŃ…traordinaire.
999
01:01:47,203 --> 01:01:50,789
If you're young, female
and not currently incarcerated,
1000
01:01:50,832 --> 01:01:54,918
page me at star-998,
otherwise, leave a message after the tone.
1001
01:01:55,002 --> 01:01:56,002
(MACHlNE BEEPS)
1002
01:01:56,087 --> 01:01:57,671
Bruce, it's Cheryl.
1003
01:01:57,714 --> 01:01:58,797
Cheryl?
1004
01:01:58,840 --> 01:02:01,049
There's something
I've been meaning to tell you,
1005
01:02:01,134 --> 01:02:04,219
something that's been weighing on me
ever since our divorce.
1006
01:02:04,303 --> 01:02:05,762
Well, of course l forgive you!
1007
01:02:05,847 --> 01:02:08,724
It's the alimony payment.
It's just not cutting it.
1008
01:02:09,517 --> 01:02:10,517
Huh?
1009
01:02:10,601 --> 01:02:13,061
So my lawyer's filed a motion
to have it increased,
1010
01:02:13,146 --> 01:02:15,147
along with a fresh restraining order,
1011
01:02:15,189 --> 01:02:18,650
so don't even try returning this call,
you fuck head.
1012
01:02:19,819 --> 01:02:24,489
You heartless hell-spawn!
Get the fuck out of here!
1013
01:02:25,491 --> 01:02:28,160
Sleep with the scorpions, bitch!
1014
01:02:29,454 --> 01:02:31,830
Who does she think she is?
1015
01:02:31,873 --> 01:02:36,918
Think l'm some low-budget, two-bit actor?
Tell you what...
1016
01:02:41,966 --> 01:02:44,760
"From the desk of Mills Toddner.
1017
01:02:44,844 --> 01:02:48,054
"Pack your bags, baby.
Back-to-back in Bulgaria.
1018
01:02:49,182 --> 01:02:53,477
"Cave Alien 3 and 4."
1019
01:02:54,979 --> 01:02:56,229
Oh, no!
1020
01:02:57,190 --> 01:02:59,900
No!
1021
01:02:59,942 --> 01:03:01,193
Help me!
1022
01:03:08,326 --> 01:03:09,993
Hang on a second.
1023
01:03:10,077 --> 01:03:11,536
(GRUNTlNG)
1024
01:03:17,251 --> 01:03:18,710
What the hell do you want? l'm busy.
1025
01:03:18,753 --> 01:03:21,755
Hi, l'm Kasey,
the famous singing prostitute.
1026
01:03:21,798 --> 01:03:24,716
I'm here to offer birthday greetings
and wish you lots of luck
1027
01:03:24,759 --> 01:03:26,968
And if you're really, really lucky
I'll even toss in a...
1028
01:03:27,053 --> 01:03:29,346
Oh, God, whoa, whoa. Who sent you?
1029
01:03:31,265 --> 01:03:35,310
"From your friend and agent, Mills Toddner.
Here's some birthday sugar, baby."
1030
01:03:35,394 --> 01:03:38,438
That's it? That was my special gift?
A woman?
1031
01:03:38,481 --> 01:03:41,942
Actually, l'm only half-way through
my transgender surgeries, so technically...
1032
01:03:41,984 --> 01:03:44,694
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
For the love of God, just stop!
1033
01:03:44,779 --> 01:03:46,488
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
1034
01:03:53,496 --> 01:03:56,540
-Campbell residence.
-Bruce, it's Jeff.
1035
01:03:57,667 --> 01:03:59,292
You little bastard.
1036
01:03:59,335 --> 01:04:00,961
You're the one
who dragged me into this nightmare.
1037
01:04:01,003 --> 01:04:04,256
Now, what, are you calling
to chew my ass out for taking a powder?
1038
01:04:04,298 --> 01:04:08,009
No, l... l just wanted to thank you.
1039
01:04:08,094 --> 01:04:09,803
Thank me? For what?
1040
01:04:09,846 --> 01:04:12,264
For teaching me the meaning of courage.
1041
01:04:12,306 --> 01:04:15,851
-l ran like cheap mascara.
-Well, that's just it.
1042
01:04:15,935 --> 01:04:19,396
While l was trying to dodge my
responsibilities by dumping them on you,
1043
01:04:19,480 --> 01:04:22,691
you showed me
l have to face this thing on my own.
1044
01:04:23,484 --> 01:04:24,693
Yeah.
1045
01:04:25,152 --> 01:04:28,613
l'm glad you learned the error
of your ways, kid, yeah.
1046
01:04:28,656 --> 01:04:31,992
l'm the one who unleashed Guan-Di.
lt's up to me to kill it.
1047
01:04:32,702 --> 01:04:36,329
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're gonna take on
Toshiro McFuckhead solo?
1048
01:04:36,372 --> 01:04:38,331
Thank you, Mr. Campbell.
1049
01:04:39,417 --> 01:04:41,585
All l needed was a push.
1050
01:04:43,963 --> 01:04:45,046
No, no! Kid! Kid!
1051
01:04:45,131 --> 01:04:46,298
(DlAL TONE)
1052
01:04:46,507 --> 01:04:48,675
-Son-of-a...
-Boyfriend troubles?
1053
01:04:48,718 --> 01:04:49,885
No!
1054
01:04:50,678 --> 01:04:53,388
Stupid kid's gonna get himself killed!
1055
01:04:53,472 --> 01:04:56,433
What do l care? l got problems of my own.
1056
01:04:58,269 --> 01:05:01,479
-Who are you?
-l'm your good nature, Bruce.
1057
01:05:01,522 --> 01:05:03,273
Now, you heed my warning.
1058
01:05:03,357 --> 01:05:06,568
lf Jeff goes up against Guan-Di
all by himself,
1059
01:05:06,694 --> 01:05:08,194
oh, he'll be cut to ribbons.
1060
01:05:08,279 --> 01:05:10,780
You've got to help the dear boy!
1061
01:05:10,865 --> 01:05:14,200
Oh, don't listen to him! Kid's an asshole!
1062
01:05:14,285 --> 01:05:16,828
Fuck him! Nobody lives forever!
1063
01:05:16,871 --> 01:05:20,373
How can you say such a thing?
You awful devil.
1064
01:05:20,416 --> 01:05:23,168
l got something for you right here, angel.
1065
01:05:23,210 --> 01:05:25,545
Bruce, you've got to help Jeff.
1066
01:05:25,630 --> 01:05:27,672
He's your biggest fan!
1067
01:05:27,715 --> 01:05:29,341
(MOCKlNG ANGEL)
1068
01:05:29,467 --> 01:05:32,385
-BRUCE: Get out of here, you freaks!
-l'm flying!
1069
01:05:33,012 --> 01:05:37,265
You, Nurse Ratched,
how would you like to make $1 00?
1070
01:05:37,725 --> 01:05:39,476
Story of my life.
1071
01:05:40,645 --> 01:05:43,897
-No, no, no. l need a ride.
-That's why l'm here.
1072
01:05:43,940 --> 01:05:45,398
ln your car.
1073
01:05:46,651 --> 01:05:50,236
-Kinky.
-No, l need a ride to a town called Gold Lick.
1074
01:05:51,906 --> 01:05:54,032
l need to kill me a Guan-Di.
1075
01:06:06,963 --> 01:06:09,839
-MAN: Keep away from him, honey.
-All right. Now, stay here.
1076
01:06:09,924 --> 01:06:12,634
Try not to blow anybody till l get back.
1077
01:06:30,277 --> 01:06:31,569
Hey, Kelly!
1078
01:06:32,822 --> 01:06:34,447
Why don't you go home?
1079
01:06:34,490 --> 01:06:40,120
Go find yourself some fake Hollywood girl
'cause you and me were never real.
1080
01:06:40,162 --> 01:06:42,414
Kelly, please.
1081
01:06:42,456 --> 01:06:46,626
l'm not one of those shallow sex machines
like all those other Hollywood types.
1082
01:06:46,711 --> 01:06:49,295
KASEY: Hey, mister, you still owe me $1 00!
1083
01:06:49,714 --> 01:06:51,965
And we still have to have sex!
1084
01:06:55,136 --> 01:06:57,887
Would you excuse me forjust a second?
1085
01:06:59,598 --> 01:07:02,684
For the love of God,
just take the money and go.
1086
01:07:02,768 --> 01:07:06,646
Oh, l'll take a rain check
on the ex-say a little ater-lay.
1087
01:07:06,731 --> 01:07:08,273
Whatever, dude.
1088
01:07:12,194 --> 01:07:15,613
Kelly, look, we don't have much time...
1089
01:07:15,656 --> 01:07:17,323
Hey, that's all my stuff.
1090
01:07:17,366 --> 01:07:20,660
Yeah, well, Jeff asked me to purge his loft.
1091
01:07:20,703 --> 01:07:22,287
lt was my pleasure.
1092
01:07:22,329 --> 01:07:25,206
Oh, sweet Jesus! That's a limited edition!
1093
01:07:26,083 --> 01:07:28,543
Plenty more where that came from.
1094
01:07:28,919 --> 01:07:32,005
Are you still here?
Don't you have a bad movie to make?
1095
01:07:32,089 --> 01:07:35,800
Listen, l know l let you down and l'm sorry.
1096
01:07:36,677 --> 01:07:39,012
But the callow movie star
who came into your life yesterday
1097
01:07:39,096 --> 01:07:42,057
is not the same man
who's standing here today.
1098
01:07:43,392 --> 01:07:48,021
lt took the faith of a teenager and the
decency of a good woman to open my eyes.
1099
01:07:48,105 --> 01:07:52,984
Believe me, in the last 24 hours,
l've learned a lot about decency, respect,
1100
01:07:54,612 --> 01:07:57,906
(STAMMERlNG) even...love.
1101
01:07:59,366 --> 01:08:02,869
A man's isn't much of anything
unless he can learn from his mistakes
1102
01:08:02,953 --> 01:08:05,080
and make them right. So...
1103
01:08:05,873 --> 01:08:08,208
Look, l'm here to say l'm sorry.
1104
01:08:08,876 --> 01:08:11,878
But more importantly, l wanna make it right.
1105
01:08:12,713 --> 01:08:15,799
So l'm not asking
you for a second chance, Kelly.
1106
01:08:15,883 --> 01:08:17,550
l'm begging you.
1107
01:08:17,635 --> 01:08:22,514
Now, maybe it doesn't make much sense
because we don't know each other but...
1108
01:08:22,556 --> 01:08:23,932
l think l...
1109
01:08:26,185 --> 01:08:28,394
-l think l...
-Move the hand.
1110
01:08:31,482 --> 01:08:32,690
Sure.
1111
01:08:34,276 --> 01:08:37,487
Well, even if we're over,
at least help me rescue Jeff.
1112
01:08:37,571 --> 01:08:39,072
What, Jeff needs to be rescued?
1113
01:08:39,156 --> 01:08:41,032
Yeah, he's going after Guan-Di.
l thought you knew.
1114
01:08:41,075 --> 01:08:42,617
Oh, my God!
1115
01:08:43,035 --> 01:08:44,202
l...
1116
01:08:51,585 --> 01:08:52,752
Hey!
1117
01:08:58,217 --> 01:09:00,969
Hey! Wait! Wait!
1118
01:09:18,404 --> 01:09:21,739
Okay, maybe this was a bad idea.
1119
01:09:21,907 --> 01:09:23,241
(GUAN-Dl EXCLAlMlNG)
1120
01:09:23,409 --> 01:09:25,493
(THUNDER CRASHlNG)
1121
01:09:27,246 --> 01:09:29,831
Okay, this was definitely a bad idea.
1122
01:09:32,501 --> 01:09:35,628
KELLY: Big ass, self-obsessed movie star.
1123
01:09:35,671 --> 01:09:39,966
-Haven't you ever heard of a telephone?
-Look, l am not self-obsessed.
1124
01:09:40,509 --> 01:09:43,136
Do you really think l have a big ass?
1125
01:09:43,846 --> 01:09:46,598
Do you even know where we're going?
1126
01:09:46,640 --> 01:09:50,018
Jeff's friends were killed outside
an old Chinese graveyard.
1127
01:09:50,102 --> 01:09:52,645
l'm guessing that's where they went.
1128
01:09:54,982 --> 01:09:58,651
-Move the hand.
-Okay, okay. My God.
1129
01:10:08,454 --> 01:10:11,331
Jeff!
1130
01:10:12,249 --> 01:10:13,917
He's not in there.
1131
01:10:14,668 --> 01:10:17,295
Well, if he has any sense,
he's probably hightailing it back to town.
1132
01:10:17,338 --> 01:10:19,672
lf he had any sense,
he wouldn't have called you.
1133
01:10:19,715 --> 01:10:20,882
Jeff!
1134
01:10:20,966 --> 01:10:22,800
(GUAN-Dl ROARlNG)
1135
01:10:25,512 --> 01:10:29,224
Stand back, Kel.
Mr. Winchester is itching for some action.
1136
01:10:30,643 --> 01:10:31,809
(CLlCKS)
1137
01:10:31,852 --> 01:10:34,771
What? What? What am l... Oh.
1138
01:10:34,855 --> 01:10:35,855
(CHUCKLES)
1139
01:10:35,898 --> 01:10:36,898
(ROARlNG)
1140
01:10:38,317 --> 01:10:41,694
Hey, you big son-of-a-bitch,
pick on somebody your own size!
1141
01:10:41,737 --> 01:10:43,321
Jeff, come on!
1142
01:10:43,614 --> 01:10:44,864
(EXCLAlMlNG)
1143
01:10:44,907 --> 01:10:47,200
-You okay, baby?
-Yeah.
1144
01:10:47,284 --> 01:10:50,411
Yeah, l'm okay
in a scared-to-death kind of way.
1145
01:10:55,251 --> 01:10:56,876
Okay, here's the deal.
1146
01:10:56,961 --> 01:10:59,921
l'm gonna stall the one-ton wonton,
which should give you, oh, l don't know,
1147
01:11:00,005 --> 01:11:02,382
maybe 30 seconds to find a way to stop him
1148
01:11:02,424 --> 01:11:06,636
before he rips my head off and
shoves it in my face, so better get busy.
1149
01:11:06,720 --> 01:11:08,554
-Bruce.
-Yes, Kelly?
1150
01:11:09,640 --> 01:11:11,557
-Before you go...
-Yes?
1151
01:11:13,602 --> 01:11:15,270
You'll need ammo.
1152
01:11:16,689 --> 01:11:18,064
l knew that.
1153
01:11:19,233 --> 01:11:22,235
Okay, Jeff, you know this stuff
way better than l do.
1154
01:11:22,278 --> 01:11:24,279
-How do we stop it?
-Okay. Okay.
1155
01:11:24,363 --> 01:11:26,447
Hollywood writers
have spent countless hours
1156
01:11:26,532 --> 01:11:29,409
writing stories about defeating monsters.
1157
01:11:29,493 --> 01:11:32,036
There's gotta be something
we can use in here.
1158
01:11:32,496 --> 01:11:34,747
Hey, stay where l can see you!
1159
01:11:38,043 --> 01:11:40,253
Okay, doofus, here l am!
1160
01:11:41,630 --> 01:11:45,425
-How we doing, team?
-Okay. Bruce, l think this might work.
1161
01:11:45,509 --> 01:11:48,094
Where's the nearest
oceanic oil-drilling platform?
1162
01:11:48,137 --> 01:11:49,762
Oh, about 1 ,000 miles away.
1163
01:11:49,847 --> 01:11:51,264
(GUAN-Dl ROARlNG)
1164
01:11:53,726 --> 01:11:55,101
JEFF: Okay.
1165
01:11:56,270 --> 01:11:59,814
Do we have any abandoned steel mills
with giant vats of molten metal?
1166
01:11:59,898 --> 01:12:01,399
Oh, come on.
1167
01:12:01,442 --> 01:12:02,442
(EXCLAlMS)
1168
01:12:02,818 --> 01:12:04,694
(GUAN-Dl ROARS)
1169
01:12:04,778 --> 01:12:08,698
Okay, how about
extensive mine shaft systems
1170
01:12:08,782 --> 01:12:10,658
with cannibal bats
underneath active volcanoes?
1171
01:12:10,743 --> 01:12:12,452
You gotta be shitting me.
1172
01:12:12,536 --> 01:12:14,037
(ROARlNG)
1173
01:12:20,669 --> 01:12:22,920
"Protected for those who
1174
01:12:27,092 --> 01:12:28,384
"died."
1175
01:12:33,390 --> 01:12:34,974
Be patient.
1176
01:12:35,851 --> 01:12:37,060
Oh!
1177
01:12:37,269 --> 01:12:40,605
You can't bowl for shit.
You should go back to Dayton.
1178
01:12:41,357 --> 01:12:42,482
Oh!
1179
01:12:42,524 --> 01:12:45,151
-Hello.
-Hello.
1180
01:12:46,111 --> 01:12:47,695
You here for me?
1181
01:12:50,240 --> 01:12:54,118
No, this and this. Thank you.
1182
01:12:56,413 --> 01:12:58,998
(EXCLAlMS lN FRUSTRATlON)
1183
01:12:59,333 --> 01:13:01,000
You tricked me!
1184
01:13:01,627 --> 01:13:04,087
An island full of giant, mutated gorillas?
1185
01:13:04,171 --> 01:13:06,339
Oh, wait, no, you died in that one.
1186
01:13:06,423 --> 01:13:10,134
Jeff, Hollywood writers spend all day
in dark rooms by themselves.
1187
01:13:10,177 --> 01:13:12,178
They have no concept of reality whatsoever.
1188
01:13:12,262 --> 01:13:16,182
So you'd better think of something else
and pretty damn fast.
1189
01:13:18,352 --> 01:13:19,602
Bruce!
1190
01:13:22,356 --> 01:13:25,566
The sign.
He's also the protector of bean curd.
1191
01:13:30,489 --> 01:13:33,616
(CHUCKLES) l'll be a horse's ass.
Pardon me, big guy.
1192
01:13:38,247 --> 01:13:42,125
Well, it's nice to know that tofu
really is good for your health.
1193
01:13:43,127 --> 01:13:45,253
-There he is.
-WlNG: Hey, lady!
1194
01:13:45,337 --> 01:13:49,382
l'll get you. Give me back my bean curd.
1195
01:13:51,885 --> 01:13:54,637
You afraid of Wing, huh?
1196
01:13:54,721 --> 01:13:55,721
(GROWLlNG)
1197
01:13:55,848 --> 01:13:57,390
(WlNG CHUCKLlNG)
1198
01:13:58,392 --> 01:13:59,934
Wing powerful.
1199
01:14:00,060 --> 01:14:04,439
More powerful than Guan-Di,
who is Wing's servant
1200
01:14:04,523 --> 01:14:07,066
and must listen to anything Wing say.
1201
01:14:07,151 --> 01:14:08,484
Right, Guan-Di?
1202
01:14:09,319 --> 01:14:11,070
Guan-Di!
1203
01:14:12,156 --> 01:14:13,614
Bean curd.
1204
01:14:13,740 --> 01:14:16,075
(GUAN-Dl EXCLAlMlNG)
1205
01:14:25,419 --> 01:14:27,253
-Hey, that's gives me an idea.
-What?
1206
01:14:27,337 --> 01:14:29,547
Look, l know l'm throwing
a real Hail Mary here,
1207
01:14:29,590 --> 01:14:31,507
but have you got any dynamite
in this truck?
1208
01:14:31,592 --> 01:14:32,592
Of course l don't have any dynamite.
1209
01:14:32,676 --> 01:14:35,428
-What kind of a freak would have dynamite...
-l do.
1210
01:14:39,433 --> 01:14:43,352
Bruce, l've got dynamite,
wire and a plunger.
1211
01:14:45,647 --> 01:14:47,440
What? l was going up
against Guan-Di, Mom.
1212
01:14:47,524 --> 01:14:50,485
l brought all kinds of shit. l mean, stuff.
1213
01:14:50,569 --> 01:14:53,946
Good. You get the dynamite,
meet me at the entrance of the mine shaft.
1214
01:14:54,031 --> 01:14:56,616
-What, you're gonna use yourself as bait?
-Well, yes and no.
1215
01:14:56,658 --> 01:14:58,993
We're gonna get a little help
from my friend here.
1216
01:14:59,077 --> 01:15:00,828
When Guan-Di spots
my ass on his doorstep,
1217
01:15:00,913 --> 01:15:02,580
he's gonna go totally Pearl Harbor.
1218
01:15:02,623 --> 01:15:04,665
That's when we drop the mountain
on his demon ass.
1219
01:15:04,750 --> 01:15:09,086
-lt sounds a little risky.
-You're telling me. This is our only standee.
1220
01:15:09,129 --> 01:15:10,296
BRUCE: All right. Now, look,
1221
01:15:10,339 --> 01:15:14,175
when hari-kari Larry takes a dirt nap,
we take this sacred amulet,
1222
01:15:14,259 --> 01:15:18,262
you know, the entire reason why we're here,
we put it right back where it belongs.
1223
01:15:18,305 --> 01:15:21,140
That way we can all get back
to our normal, miserable lives.
1224
01:15:21,225 --> 01:15:24,143
(GUAN-Dl ROARlNG)
1225
01:15:27,731 --> 01:15:29,357
Well, this is it.
1226
01:15:29,441 --> 01:15:33,110
l'll keep him away from the entrance
until you give the signal.
1227
01:15:34,321 --> 01:15:38,908
Now, look, no matter which way this goes,
l want you both to know one thing.
1228
01:15:39,826 --> 01:15:42,954
l'll never forgive you
for dragging me out here.
1229
01:15:50,879 --> 01:15:53,464
Okay, just you and me, Top Ramen.
1230
01:15:53,924 --> 01:15:57,176
You're the protector of bean curd.
Get busy.
1231
01:16:00,764 --> 01:16:02,431
Nice catch.
1232
01:16:08,230 --> 01:16:09,855
Hey, grounder.
1233
01:16:10,857 --> 01:16:13,317
That's gonna mean some extra runs!
1234
01:16:16,238 --> 01:16:18,030
Oh, another one!
1235
01:16:18,991 --> 01:16:20,866
Oh, bad hop.
1236
01:16:20,909 --> 01:16:22,535
KELLY: Almost ready.
1237
01:16:22,703 --> 01:16:25,496
(EXCLAlMlNG)
1238
01:16:35,465 --> 01:16:36,674
(LAUGHlNG)
1239
01:16:39,303 --> 01:16:41,596
-Good to go, Mom.
-We're ready!
1240
01:16:47,394 --> 01:16:49,145
(BRUCE LAUGHlNG)
1241
01:16:49,354 --> 01:16:52,064
Just walking along,
minding my own business.
1242
01:16:52,149 --> 01:16:54,066
Oh, look, a mine shaft.
1243
01:16:56,445 --> 01:16:57,820
(BRUCE LAUGHlNG)
1244
01:16:58,614 --> 01:17:00,114
Hey, asshole!
1245
01:17:00,824 --> 01:17:02,533
Go fuck yourself!
1246
01:17:13,045 --> 01:17:16,464
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait.
Let him get all the way in.
1247
01:17:25,724 --> 01:17:29,018
-He's not buying it.
-That's weird, l approved that likeness.
1248
01:17:29,102 --> 01:17:30,728
Bruce, what do we do?
1249
01:17:30,771 --> 01:17:33,105
Well, looks like we're gonna have to do this
the old-fashioned way,
1250
01:17:33,190 --> 01:17:36,359
-mano a monster.
-But that's suicide.
1251
01:17:36,443 --> 01:17:39,236
Only if l die, kid. Wish me luck.
1252
01:17:39,279 --> 01:17:41,614
-Bruce.
-Yes?
1253
01:17:43,241 --> 01:17:44,617
For luck.
1254
01:17:48,622 --> 01:17:51,957
-You wanna move that hand?
-That's not my hand.
1255
01:17:58,715 --> 01:18:00,174
(EXCLAlMlNG)
1256
01:18:00,884 --> 01:18:02,343
(GUAN-Dl ROARlNG)
1257
01:18:03,804 --> 01:18:07,264
-Okay, Jeff, do it. Now!
-Mom, l can't!
1258
01:18:08,809 --> 01:18:10,976
BRUCE: Not the face! Not the face!
1259
01:18:11,812 --> 01:18:13,145
lt is Bruce Campbell!
1260
01:18:13,230 --> 01:18:15,773
Look, l know how much he means to you,
1261
01:18:15,816 --> 01:18:18,859
how much he means
to all the audiences across the world,
1262
01:18:18,944 --> 01:18:20,653
how much he means to me.
1263
01:18:20,696 --> 01:18:24,115
But look, you've got to just think
of one question right now.
1264
01:18:24,157 --> 01:18:26,701
What would Bruce Campbell do?
1265
01:18:26,785 --> 01:18:28,536
-Run away?
-No!
1266
01:18:40,590 --> 01:18:42,633
(BOTH COUGHlNG)
1267
01:19:03,655 --> 01:19:05,698
l can't believe he's gone.
1268
01:19:06,199 --> 01:19:07,783
(BRUCE GROANlNG)
1269
01:19:27,637 --> 01:19:29,180
Stay there.
1270
01:19:31,850 --> 01:19:35,352
Bruce.
1271
01:19:35,395 --> 01:19:38,147
Well, l'm glad that's over.
1272
01:19:38,273 --> 01:19:39,440
(LAUGHlNG)
1273
01:19:39,608 --> 01:19:42,443
-Jeff, l just have one request.
-Anything, Bruce.
1274
01:19:42,527 --> 01:19:46,071
Next time you unleash an ancient demon,
call that Buffy chick.
1275
01:19:46,156 --> 01:19:47,656
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
1276
01:19:54,664 --> 01:19:56,749
(ROARlNG)
1277
01:20:00,921 --> 01:20:02,254
(ALL SCREAMlNG)
1278
01:20:02,881 --> 01:20:04,548
BRUCE: Stop! Stop!
1279
01:20:05,759 --> 01:20:08,135
What's the problem, Bruce?
1280
01:20:08,887 --> 01:20:11,764
Look, l'm sorry,
but these shock endings are a rip off.
1281
01:20:11,848 --> 01:20:15,768
l mean, we just killed the creature
like 30 seconds ago, and now it's back?
1282
01:20:15,811 --> 01:20:17,520
The fans deserve better.
1283
01:20:17,604 --> 01:20:22,233
And come on, for once, could we please
have a happy ending to a horror film?
1284
01:20:22,776 --> 01:20:26,570
-Yeah. A happy ending is a great...
-l'll think about it.
1285
01:20:26,613 --> 01:20:28,531
Think about it, though.
1286
01:20:36,581 --> 01:20:39,625
Oh, l never knew life could be so swell.
1287
01:20:39,709 --> 01:20:43,462
Well, once you've made love
the Bruce Campbell way, you never go back.
1288
01:20:43,505 --> 01:20:47,299
Father, Mother,
l've just been accepted to Harvard.
1289
01:20:47,342 --> 01:20:48,384
(LAUGHlNG)
1290
01:20:48,468 --> 01:20:50,678
l told you that C average
was nothing to worry about.
1291
01:20:50,762 --> 01:20:51,762
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
1292
01:20:51,805 --> 01:20:53,430
Group hug.
1293
01:20:54,975 --> 01:20:56,225
You happy?
1294
01:20:56,309 --> 01:20:57,518
-You happy?
-Oh, yes.
1295
01:20:57,602 --> 01:21:00,813
-We're all happy.
-One big happy family.
1296
01:21:00,939 --> 01:21:02,356
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
1297
01:21:04,609 --> 01:21:06,110
(LAUGHlNG)
1298
01:21:10,782 --> 01:21:13,909
Now, l ask you,
what could be a better ending than that?
1299
01:21:13,994 --> 01:21:15,160
(SCREAMlNG)
1300
01:21:15,203 --> 01:21:16,662
Oh, my God!
1301
01:21:25,046 --> 01:21:27,298
(BOTH SlNGlNG)
1302
01:22:33,949 --> 01:22:35,157
Bean curd.
91076