All language subtitles for Grand.Crew.S01E03.720p.AMZN.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Legendas01.ENG

- You have lost your damn mind.
- Nah, you tripping, bro.

I'm not arguing
with you about this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's up with you two?

I asked Sherm, "What would
be scarier to fight,

20 badgers or 1 bear?"
and this fool said 20 badgers.

Yes, because
it's obvious, Wyatt.

You can beat one animal,
but 20 little freaks?

That's four paws each,
five claws per paw.

That's 400 claws.
You are done for.

But bears are huge.

They're like 600 pounds
of pure muscle.

You wouldn't stand a chance.

I'm not scared of weight.
I'm scared of teamwork.

20 little brains
all working together

like a damn badger
wireless network.

Are y'all still arguing
about this?

A bear is way scarier, okay?

They're the heavyweights
of the forest.

It's like saying
you would rather fight

Evander Holyfield
than 20 little kids.

I would.
Kids scare the crap out of me.

They are ruthless.
"Lord of the Flies" much?

Sherm's right.

I once saw a five-year-old
pull the legs

off a lizard while laughing.

What are we even fighting
about now?

all: Kids versus Holyfield.
- Keep up.

Holyfield would crush
20 little kids.

20 kids all day.
What are you talking about?

♪ Whoop, whoop

♪ Cabernet and sauvignon

♪ Team is here
and now it's on ♪

♪ Carry on and Carignan,
sippin' on Perignon ♪

♪ Fine wine,
got notes like a cello ♪

♪ Pull up in the spot
like hello ♪

♪ If you got me,
then I got you ♪

♪ This is the vibe,
this is the crew ♪

♪ Grand crew, grand crew, uh

♪ Grand crew, grand crew,
grand crew, uh ♪

♪ Grand crew

It's not often we get graced
with the presence

of Wyatt's other half.
Thanks for the drinks, you two.

Don't thank me.

Thank my high-powered,
sexy lawyer wife

who can strong-arm
anyone in Hollywood.

She's the one
that makes the money.

Hey,
since you're an attorney,

I gotta ask you
about this judge

I went on a date with.

You're dating a judge?
That is amazing.

I suppose.
However, when we went out

for coffee, she wore
her judge's robe.

That's weird, ain't it?
- Eh.

Maybe she was just
coming from work.

It would be kind of
like if a doctor

showed up wearing scrubs.

Yeah, I've seen some judges

in their robes
outside of the courthouse.

I don't know.
I'm with Sherm.

When I was dancing on Broadway,

I wouldn't wear
my costume to a date.

Wait, you were on Broadway?

Mm-hmm.
Nothing crazy.

Just "Wicked", "Color Purple."

I was a giraffe
in "The Lion King."

Yeah, I feel
like I've known you for so long

that I forget that we just met.

I don't know anything
about you.

You pretty much
know everything.

There's really not
that much more to learn.

Anyway, can I get anybody
anything from the bar?

We have a great merlot
from Argentina in.

Wait, why did you
say it like that?

Do you work here now?
- I do. I needed a job.

Yup, there's nothing else
to learn about you.

Great talk.

What's good, y'all?
all: Okay.

That's right, you're looking
at the newest vice president

at Joseph & Phillips
Accounting...

Incorporated!
[all cheering]

That means King TUT
is in the building.

I love King TUT.
- King TUT?

Oh, it stands for
Turn Up Tony,

his party persona from college.

Whenever he aced an exam,
and now,

whenever he gets a promotion,
he transforms into King TUT.

And also because he gets
so drunk, he falls asleep

with his arms
crossed like a mummy.

I detect no lies.

Y'all down to get it
in tonight?

I'm definitely down
to get it in,

but I actually
have to make a run first.

I am getting my hair did.

- Okay, okay.
- Yeah. Yeah.

The self-care journey
continues,

and I'm calling it self-hair.

- Don't call it that.
- Okay, I won't call it that.

I'm not gonna call it
self-hair,

but you guys get the vibe.

Peace.
- Peace.

Yo, what's up with you, Fay?
Coming out with us tonight?

Yeah, I just gotta do
some laundry first.

All my clothes are a mess
from making cookies.

I love baking.

Huh, not
shocking new information,

but new information
nonetheless.

- My godfather is Famous Amos.
- Well, there it is.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
we have a quorum,

which means that tonight
is a TUT party

where the champagne flows
like the River Nile.

[phones buzz]
- Oh. Oh, dang.

There's a wildfire
in Griffith Park,

and our place
is in the evacuation zone.

- Yeah, mine too.
- Damn, so is the bar.

Well, I guess the party
is postponed, y'all.

Not necessarily.

I know a place not in the zone

where you all could spend
the night.

Welcome to the
Wyattdorf Kristoria.

Oh, this is gonna be lit.

I'm talking about the vibes,
not the wildfire.

Yeah, but should we be
worried about how frequent

these fires are happening?

I'm sure the scientists
are figuring it out.

We're good.

all: Yeah, man.

Wyatt, I always forget
how dope your house is.

This is a TUT hut.

Oh. Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, I can definitely
pass out here.

Man. It is so dope that
your wife is the breadwinner.

I mean, I'm not trying
to settle down,

but if I was,
that would be the move.

Sure.

My wife is the provider,
but we both have our roles.

I take care of the house.

And yeah, she may
bring home the bacon,

but I'm the one who cooks it.

And she may make the bread,

but I'm the one
who makes the sandwiches.

And she may buy the limes,
but I'm the one who makes--

Margaritas anyone?
all: Oh, yes.

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.

I thought he was gonna go on
forever.

Ooh, this margarita
is too good.

Kristen, how dare you?
- It's actually my recipe.

No, I made some adjustments.

A little Kristen kiss
of mezcal.

Sorry, I'm late y'all.
What's happening?

- Wow.
- Wow.

So they didn't finish your hair
because of the fire?

- No, this is what I asked for.
- It looks perfect.

That is a TUT cut if I've
ever seen one.

You look crazy.

You know, Old Noah might've
taken this passive-aggression

and dwelled on it,
but new Noah doesn't care.

I've been reading
"The Three Pillars of Zen,"

and I feel more relaxed
than my hair, baby.

Well, can I get anyone
anything else?

Coffee, tea, juice?

Coffee, tea, juice?
How about shots, shots, shots?

- Hey.
- Yes.

Now, Kristen, we might need
to evacuate your house soon

because you are on fire
with the hosting.

[forced laughter]

She's so great.

Hey, babe, can I talk to you
for a second in the study?

Sure.
[forced laughter]

Hey, I know you have, like,

a lot of work
that you probably have to do.

You don't have to be doing
any hosting duties.

Hosting is kind of my thing.

So you're saying
I don't know how to host?

No, I'm just saying that I've
been hosting since the womb.

In fact, I left the womb
better than it was

before I got in there.
The doctors were in awe.

Okay, then,
well, if you think

you're a better host,
why don't we find out?

Let the houseguests decide.

A hosting competition?
Okay.

Okay, but I won't hold back.
I must break you.

Bitch, I'm gonna crush you,
crumble you up,

and then put you in a dish
as a garnish

while I eat you alive.

I'm gonna host so good
that it's gonna make you sick,

and then I will nurse
you back to health

because that's how dope
of a host I am.

I'm gonna cut your head off
with a knife.

My bad.
I got carried away.

Don't apologize.
I loved it.

As you know, we are elated
to have you all here today.

So much so that we decided
to make hosting you guys

a friendly competition
between lovers.

Y'all are cute.

Whoever loses has to do
that freaky thing

that the other one
likes in the bedroom.

We did not need
to know that part.

Yes, you did.

You need to know that
the stakes are high, sexually.

Or low depending on who wins.

You are nasty.

- Oh, you're nasty.
- You're nasty.

- No, you are nasty.
- You're nasty.

- Aye, aye, aye. Too horny.
- Don't listen to him.

We all get horny,
and sex is what made us.

Sex is life,
and life is beautiful.

Thank you, Long Hair Noah.
First up is dinner.

And at the Wyatt Hyatt,
we would like to bring you

Ye Rustic Inn, wings, nachos,
and a veggie deluxe burger

for Anthony's
plant-based needs. My treat.

Thank you. Dope.

Or you can head over
to the Ritz-Kristen

and try this new spot
off Hillhurst called Nossa.

Hmm, what's that Nossa
talking about?

They talking about plantains.
all: Ooh.

They talking about sangria.
all: Aye.

They talking about
all the flavors of Brazil.

all: Yo!

Now that is
the better choice.

It's all good.

You know, hosting
is a marathon, not a sprint.

Is there anything else
I can do for anyone?

Fay, weren't you saying
that you needed to do laundry?

Oh, yeah.

If you don't mind,
my laundry is in the car.

Wyatt, we just got
that new machine.

We don't know
how to use it yet.

Oh, you don't, but I do.

Okay, so I have no idea
how to use this thing.

Then why did you say you did?

Because I'm trying to win
a marriage competition,

and you all wanted
to eat at Nossa.

Well, it's just
a washing machine.

I mean, how complicated
can it be?

It's the Schweistinger
Grosse Macht Siében-Funf.

The BMW of washing machines.
There are no buttons,

only this tablet,
and it's all in German.

Not a problem.
I know German.

You do?

My ex-husband was
from Germany.

- You were married?
- Yeah, but not for long.

That's what happens when you
find love on a reality show.

Reality show?

- [reads German]
- Damn girl, who are you?

[speaking German]

Yes!
All right, good.

Just remember that
your host hooked you up.

Ooh, King TUT's
first outfit change.

I've been waiting for this.

Thank you, sir.
The look that I'm going for

is "accountant that's so fly,

you're worried
he's gonna steal your money."

Oh yeah, I definitely see it.
I'd be very suspicious of you.

- Thank you.
- So the plot is thickening

between me
and Judge Eva, y'all.

We followed each other
on Instagram today.

And look, she got
one picture up,

and it's of her in a robe.

Who cares?

A robe ain't nothing but a wide
dress, and life ain't nothing

but a dress for the universe.

- Oh, yes.
- What?

Well, I think Eva sounds
really sweet.

Maybe you should invite her
over for dinner

so you can see her
outside of the robe.

That is a great idea.
Kristen, you are the best host.

I have an announcement.
As your host,

I will be providing each of you
with your own air mattresses.

Bro, you got
five air mattresses?

Yes,
because I am always prepared,

and I care about your comfort.

Well, mostly because he meant

to buy 1
but accidentally bought 11.

The quantity button
is tricky.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have some mattresses
to inflate.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, yes.
- Yes, cheers!

♪

[laughter]

♪

You figure out the dryer.
I got this.

Okay.

Hold up.

The door won't open.
Something's wrong.

[reads German]

[speaking German]

Oh, this is bad.
I think I broke it.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I don't think
that's helpful.

All right, y'all,
allow me to present to you

wardrobe change number two,

the accountant who's gotten one
too many questions from the IRS

and just touched down
in Costa Rica.

Man, King TUT don't miss.
Take my money, King.

I just got an email.

I'm live on the company site,

which means I'm finally
on the officers' page.

Are y'all ready to pop
some champagne?

- Allow me to pop it?
- No!

Ha. Clearly, he wants me,
the better host, to pop it.

No, no, not that.

They didn't put me
on the officers' page.

They put me on my own page
titled "Celebrating Diversity."

Am I just a damn token to them?

Celebrating diversity?

They need to celebrate
these nuts.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too,
but you know what?

The world is always spinning,

and all that means
is that eventually,

you'll end up
on the other side.

My foot's about to end up
on the other side of your ass.

Okay, I'll walk away, baby.
[doorbell rings]

Ooh, that must be Judge Eva.

[upbeat music]

both: Hey.

Oh.
You just coming from work?

- No.
- Oh, okay, cool.

Yeah, that's what's up.

Hey, everybody, I'd like y'all
to meet Judge Eva.

As you can tell,
she's just coming from home.

Hi.
Nice to meet you all.

Thank you so much
for having me over for dinner.

[phone dings]

So about dinner,
I just found out

that our delivery from Nossa
got cancelled.

They were overwhelmed with
orders because of the fire.

Damn.

Score one host point
for Wyatt.

Oh, this ain't over yet.
Don't sleep.

Oh, I'm wide awake.

Not for long, 'cause you are
about to get slept.

Keep talking, keep talking.

Oh, hey, Sherm,
here's a glass of wine,

and remember, dinner
didn't come because of Kristen.

You good, bro?

This competition is starting
to feel a little too real.

No, this is what
Kristen and I do.

We're just a fun couple
that competes.

It's our thing.

Well, it's not fun
from the outside.

And while you're celebrating,

I'm so hungry, my damn stomach
is speaking in tongues.

[gibberish]

All I'm hearing is that
we need to step it up

a notch and get you fed.
Kristen!

What's up, dummy?

How about we see who can cook
a better dinner for everyone

in the least amount of time?

Oh, "Top Chef"
quickfire style.

Sure.
But you're going down.

Oh, we'll see about that.

Alexa, set a timer
for 30 minutes

so I can flex
on my wife in the kitchen.

30 minutes starting now.

Actually, Alexa,
update the timer to 20 minutes,

because that's all the time
I need to destroy my husband.

Ten minutes removed.

You now have about 19 minutes
and 51 seconds left.

Alexa--

Just cook
the damn food, please.

Damn it.

These buttons
aren't fixing anything.

Kristen and Wyatt
are gonna be so upset with me.

Oh, boy.

Okay, what are you doing?

I sweat
when I do something bad,

and we just did
a very bad thing.

My body's about to rain.

Okay, a new discovery,
although not a fun one.

Listen, it's no big deal, Fay.
It's just a washing machine.

To you, maybe, but I lost
all my friends in the divorce,

and I'm new to this group,

and the first thing I do
is break the washing machine?

I'm gonna be
Washing Machine Fay forever.

Oh, damn.
You're right.

They're definitely
gonna call you that.

Oh, wow.
You are really sweating.

- I told you.
- I got you covered.

I'm gonna--wow,
that is a lot of sweat.

I'm gonna text my handyman.
He's gonna fix it.

All we have to do is distract
everyone until then.

How?

By making them feel so good
they don't suspect a thing.

I call it the Oprah Technique.

Hey, beautiful Black people.

Oh, your melanin is glistening.
You are all very special.

I love all of you.
I love you. I love you.

I love your robe, and ooh,
that suit is looking real good,

King TUT, TUT, TUT, TUT.

I'm not king TUT anymore.
I'm King BUTT.

Big Underwhelming Token Tony.

I don't think
the Oprah Technique is working.

Really?
'Cause I don't hear anyone

talking about
a washing machine right now.

Fay, why are you
sweating so much?

Oh, she's not sweating.
She's glowing.

She's probably sweating
because it's hot in here.

I'ma hang up my jacket.

Can I hang up any extra layers
of anyone else?

No, thanks, Sherman.
I'm good.

Of course you are.

Dinner!

Good evening.
What I have for you

is a beautiful seared chicken
with the tomato confit

and a sprig
of homegrown oregano.

And I've prepared fettuccine
with a white wine butter sauce,

mushrooms, and a chiffonade
of crispy sage.

[heavy rock music]

♪

Well, what do you think?

I think the food
is objectively trash,

with all due respect.

Thank you so much for letting
us stay here, by the way.

- Did you try mine?
- I did; it was just as bad.

20 minutes
is not enough time

to do what you tried
to achieve.

This was a failure.

Thank y'all so much
for having us.

Fay, are you okay?
You're sweating.

Oh, yeah.
It's just the food.

It's so spicy.

There are no spices.

This dinner is incredible.
Such wonderful textures.

And I love
the play on the temperatures.

Nicky, are you crazy?
This is an abomination.

Just wanna reiterate,
I'm truly grateful to be here.

I'm vegan,
so I can't eat any of this.

Seems like the first good thing

that happened
to King BUTT today.

Okay, so it seems that dinner
could have been better,

but surely y'all can decide

that one was less worse
than the other, right?

I actually don't like giving
judgment outside the courtroom.

She always got on
a damn robe.

What's that?
[knocking at door]

Did someone call
for a repairman?

Dang, I told him to text me
before he got here.

What is going on?

Um... [clears throat]
Well, earlier-

what happened was, I--
- I--

I broke
the washing machine.

My brand-new
laundry machine?

Yes, I did it.
Give me all the blame.

[knocking at door]
- Come in.

It's not your fault.

Wyatt lied and said he knew
how to work the machine.

Some host.
- Not so fast.

There's a repairman here,
and he can make it good as new.

That's right, but first,

I need a little help
finding my tool.

Oh, no.

[heavy percussive music
playing]

♪

What the hell
is going on in my home?

I knew I recognized him
from somewhere else.

Okay, what had happened was,
I texted Jerry Pipe,

who is a stripper,

when I meant
to text Pipe Jerry,

who is my handyman.
Classic mix-up.

Ha, there goes
another host point, sucka.

It's just a stripper
and a broken machine.

Things are not that bad.

[loud bang]

Oh, no.

What was that?
Cherry Pie, what was that?

♪

Damn, that's a lot
of bubbles.

I am very sorry, you guys.

Again, this is just my fault.
Nobody else's.

Yeah, you keep
reiterating that.

Is something up?
both: No.

No need to apologize.
I'm sorry on behalf of Wyatt.

He really tried his best
as the host,

and, well,
this is what happened.

Yes, and I should apologize
on behalf of my wife,

who insists we have the most
bougie appliances around.

Those are some shady kisses
right there.

Who cares?

The world is burning.
Nothing matters.

What is that?

Down here from King BUTT.

Come on, brother.

Now isn't the time
to take a bath.

It's time for a new path.

Take my hand and follow me
on this new journey--no!

What the hell?

My hair.
You ruined my perfect hair.

Oh, your hair
was far from perfect.

- How dare you?
- I'm still hungry.

- That's Wyatt's fault.
- That's Kristen's fault.

[all speaking at once]

[gavel hammering]

Order.
Order in this living room.

Now she got a gavel.

Everybody, y'all need
to pull yourselves together.

You two, why the hell
are y'all competing like this?

There is clearly
a deeper issue here.

Handle it between yourselves.

And you two, it's clear

that you were covering
for your sweaty friend.

Who cares?
It's just a washing machine.

And you, you need a glass
of water and some bread.

Facts.

And Sherman,
I know it bothers you

I've been wearing
this robe.

Would you like to know
why I wear it everywhere?

Yes, please.
It's driving me insane.

I'm the first in my family
to go to college,

the first to go to law school,

and the first
to become a judge.

I wear this robe
because I am proud of myself.

Is that crazy?

I mean, yeah. Kinda.

Whatever. I don't care
what anyone thinks.

I know my worth.

In all of my years as a judge,
I have never seen

such a blatant display
of tomfoolery amongst friends.

Also, your hair was bad.

- That stings.
- It is what it is.

Have a good evening, everyone.
Stay Black.

She's harsh but fair.

[gentle music]

- Thanks for the pizza.
- Of course.

Sorry this is the only room
not full of suds.

No, it's working for me.

- Yeah, I like it.
- I like it.

So that was the most intense
laundry day I've ever had.

Thank you for taking
the blame from me.

Of course,
that's what friends do.

And I'd say we're
pretty close friends now,

considering how much
I learned about you today.

But I have a lot
to learn about you.

You have a stripper saved
in your phone?

Strippers. Plural.

Ooh, and each one has a freaky,
nasty, unique story, okay?

You good, TUT?

You know what?
I am.

That thing Judge Eva said
gave me some new perspective.

Oh, that you needed
some bread and water?

Yes, that, too,

but the thing she said
about her robe and her worth.

I'm good at what I do,
and I know it,

so I called my boss
and I took a stand.

Why is everyone white?
Do better.

Now, I was a little drunk,
but he took it well.

So now I'm on
the officers' page.

My man.
Congrats, bro.

Thanks.
Now, if you'll excuse me.

Babe, I need to apologize
about how I acted today.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Before this gets too real,

I wanna remind y'all
that this is a small room,

so you might want to lower
your voices a little.

I'm not ashamed
of my feelings.

Y'all gonna have
to feel this with me.

I love how successful you are.

It's just
sometimes I get insecure

about not being a provider.

Babe, I was feeling
insecure too.

Damn, I did not expect that.

Can y'all speak up a little bit
so we can all hear?

Insecure
about working too much

and not helping out
around the house.

You do more than enough.
You are more than enough.

And I am blessed.

I am too. Truly.

That said, I did win today,
and it wasn't even close.

[all agreeing]

Okay, yeah, yeah. I knew it.
All right. Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

I'm not tired.
Are y'all tired?

- No.
- Mm-mm.

I could turn up.

I'm always down.

Thank you all
for having me tonight.

Feels good to be
a part of something.

- Aww.
- Jerry Pipe, thank you.

[heavy percussive music]

♪

Not a doctor.
Shh.